stereotypes.

i had an interview with some chiropractor place for the front desk, then tomorrow i have an interview for a data entry job dealing with target. i'm not sure the interview today went that well because i didn't have any accomplishments or abilities that really stood out. that's been the problem with all my interviews lately- it's not like i make any mistakes but i don't have anything that really impresses the person into hiring me. hopefully i can think of something soon because i'm getting really bored- not working enough to keep me constructive. that doesn't mean i'll stoop to going back in my progress and go BACK to courage kenny where they kept me from progressing and didn't give me the opportunity to progress because of "liability". that's just an excuse for people that don't know how to do their damn jobs/don't feel like they have to REALLY do their job helping clients EXCEL (well for sure NOT if they lack advocacy which i happen to lack and i'm NOT wasting more of my damn life NOT progressing and living MY life.. i'm 40 fuckin years old and nobody feels like i should be given the right to drive when i held my driver's permit for probably at least 2 or 3 years before it was revoked and people were convinced i didn't have the ability to drive because for some reason they think it'll make their life easier the less privileges i have- newsflash dicks, IT JUST PISSES ME OFF AND CONFIRMS THAT I DON'T HAVE SUPPORT IN THIS DAMN STATE- SO I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO STAY IN THIS DUMP OF A STATE). if my supposed caring family REALLY cared about me- THEY'D BE MAKING AN EFFORT TO ACTUALLY HELP THEIR DISABLED, VULNERABLE ADULT RELATIVE. *GASP* YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID IF YOU DON'T REALIZE WHY I WANT TO MOVE TO A DIFFERENT STATE WITH ALL THIS "SUPPORT". i do NOT have "everything" i need in this state- just because YOU have everything.. does NOT mean EVERYONE else in this damn state does, ignorant jackass. it's not my fault that you've never had to deal with health or financial problems in your life to be so damn ignorant. if you try to come back with, "I HAVE HAD TO DEAL WITH PROBLEMS TOO!" now you know how it fucking feels to have judgments and stereotypes thrown on you when the person REALLY doesn't know what the hell they're talking about. joe shouldn't be the ONLY source of family support i have.

cognitive test..

i went to learningrx today and when i was checking in at the front desk, some lady walked in and said to me, "HAH! YOU ACTUALLY CAME HERE!" then i turned and looked at her to see if she was talking to me and i recognized her as the woman who was interviewing at victoria's secret when i was and she said she was a cognitive coach, so i jumped at the opportunity to get a cognitive coach, so i asked her where she worked and looked online at the information and made an appointment for a cognitive assessment today. then i sat in the waiting room until the person came and got me for my appointment. i walked in the room and sat down at some table, the guy who called me into the room for my appointment asked me before he gave me the test, "before we start- why are you here exactly?" then i said, "well.. i was in a car accident when i was 16 and i got a traumatic brain injury from it. i had my license before i got in the accident and the government took it away after the accident. i want to get my license again and they said i had to take a cognitive test and pass it before they give it to me again- which i failed at courage kenny and regions." then he said, "well i don't think they'll take the results from one of our cognitive tests over a government one." then i said, "i want to work on my cognition before i take another test, so i pass it.. i guess." then he said, "alright.. we'll see how you do and have an appointment with the results and figure out what to do from there." then i took the test, it was moderately easy- i didn't find it too difficult but there were a few questions i had to think a while about. the guy who gave me the test kinda suggested an answer or two.. i'm not sure if it's because he felt bad or because i gave off the impression that i was frustrated because i couldn't get the answer? (but to tell you the truth- i don't remember getting frustrated ever..) when i got done with the test, i went back out in the waiting room to wait for my ride but the girl who referred me to learningrx must've been with clients. i DID get a discount because they found out she referred me and she got money for it too. so it worked for both of us.

just gotta wait and see, i guess.

just so certain family members who only help when it's convenient and/or beneficial for THEM know.. INTENTIONALLY NOT HELPING THEM IS NEGLECT which is also a form of ABUSE. "YOU GOT THIS!" which also confuses me why my sister stalks the hell outta me and reads my blog like it's the bible. if she expects me to just forget everything she's said/done to me JUST BECAUSE SHE'S MY SISTER (SHE ONLY HAS SIMILAR DNA BECAUSE OF MY MOM- WHICH IS ACTUALLY THE DNA I'M NOT PROUD OF).. she's got another thing coming and she's wasting her time.
some lady just called me about some job doing administrative work for target. i was trying to remember and it feels like someone called me about a job yesterday at about this same time. that's why remote jobs aren't exactly right.. for me anyway. i'd be more comfortable with a job if it were on site- so i don't feel like i'm not somewhere i need to be. whatever.. i won't know unless i try. if no one from our family (but joe) pays attention to me and really helps me- what the hell makes her think i'll be in the condition to help someone else (or even have the desire to)?! i have my own shit to worry about. ESPECIALLY since the last person who tried to help her was pushed on her ass by her.
i still am going to learningrx later and i hope these guys aren't like courage kenny and they just try to take advantage of my lack of KNOWLEDGABLE ADVOCACY. i hope they don't go assuming things for their own benefit just to make things easier for them or so they can make more money off me. i guess there's a better chance of that not happening since I was basically the one who organized this appointment since my family is too damn naive and uncaring to assist me to be actually capable and happy. "YOU GOT THIS!" (while the phone rings and eventually goes to voicemail which is NEVER returned)

similarities in abuse..

i'm not going to sabathani tomorrow because that's when i scheduled my cognitive assessment at learningrx. hopefully they actually work with me to assist me in getting my driver's license again, since my own family doesn't give a fuck about me to help me get as capable to be as successful as possible- so I am ACTUALLY satisfied with my life and not just seen as a tool to make my own selfish family appear "caring" and "supportive". "YOU GOT THIS!" okay.. so you're taking yourself (along with all my other family members who DON'T support or care about ME) OUT of the picture and my life? great. good riddance. i'm doing what you selfish, uncaring bums NEVER did and i'm WORKING to make MY life better. you only care if you benefit off it and if it's convenient for you. go get kicked by your husband. also pushed on your ass by your granddaughter. i realized that my mom and fat sister have something in common- NEITHER of them apologized for the abuse and pain to my grandma OR myself caused as a result of their actions. WAY TO MODEL INTEGRITY TO YOUR OWN DAMN DAUGHTER! assholes stick together.

finding things to keep me busy without football on sunday.

i forgot to mention that i went to an eye appointment at pearle vision yesterday. the lady had texted me saying that she wanted to reschedule it before i got to the appointment- so the optometrist couldn't even see me. i had to reschedule the appointment for next saturday now. i could've sworn i've already been to the eye doctor a few weeks ago anyway but it could just be my brain putting false memories in my head again- like it tends to do. fredrick is gonna take me to pottery barn in about an hour now. i've never been to the actual store before, so this should be fun- considering i don't have football to watch until TOMORROW.
i'm still annoyed because i'm not sure if amanda tries to make it look like she's actually helping me or TRYING to help me. I'VE ATTENDED THE COURAGE CENTER OVER 15 YEARS AGO. I'M DONE WITH THAT SHIT. and *GASP* i DO have a BRAIN and i realized that all they fuckin did for me was provide me a gym to practice walking in (I CAN WALK ANYWHERE- SO I DIDN'T REALLY NEED THE DUMP). i don't just do whatever the fuck pleases my unsupportive, incompetent family. they were also probably trying to cover their asses because they probably assumed i sued someone for my car accident and didn't wanna be sued, so they were punishing me outta being overprotective dicks. the therapists there came up with the excuse of "liability" for not letting me do things which would've REALLY helped me become more ambulatory. the only person in this world seen that (my grandma) which is why she found tram to help me with ARP therapy. he was the one who actually got me out of my wheelchair. she's (amanda) like everyone else in this damn world who only helps when it's beneficial to her. like the ics worker who refused to help me unless it was "one of your {my} goals". she got butthurt after fredrick actually went with me to get my eyeliner tattoo'd on and i think she may have been the one who helped me find the place. although- i paid for it outta pocket.. so fredrick went with me. also- she more than likely had other ics clients to see.

selfish smokers

when i was waiting for my ride to take me to spanish today, i could smell cigarette smoke and it was like i was breathing the shit in (when you're not even SUPPOSED to be smoking in this damn apartment building). i pointed up to the sign that says you're not supposed to smoke less than 50 feet from the entrance and i said, "YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SMOKE LESS THAN 50 FEET FROM THE DOOR." then one of the guys who always smokes outside got up and walked a few steps away from the door while the other old bitch just sat there mumbling some shit while puffing her cigarette. these people act like i'm complaining about the smoke for fun or something. right now, it's like breathing in smoke (and this situation happened OVER SIX HOURS AGO- my body still smells it) because my palate is so fucked up that it can't filter the smoke from my lungs. i've had 4 surgeries on my palate (an area in your throat which filters out smoke and dust from getting to your lungs). i was trying to think of ONE smoker i actually respected but i can't think of ANY since my grandma died OF LUNG CANCER. she would never smoke around me because she knew what the smoke did to me and the doctors told her what smoke does to me and how it affects me. all the other bastards who smoke absolutely STINK and they're all fuckin selfish pricks who think they can smoke whenever the hell they want. hasn't smoking gotten OLD to people? they're still doing that shit? apparently idiots who don't care about how it affects others and how badly they absolutely STINK. my sister claims my mom stopped smoking but i highly doubt it since my brother said that all my mom does is drink pepsi and smoke cigarettes (and i'll believe my brother over my sister in a second). so YES i AM referring to my own mom too. i hope you selfish pricks get to experience EVERYTHING i have to because you feel like selfishly smoking. i'm pretty sure if you get caught smoking in a new york apartment- you get slapped with a fine if i remember right. i think my friend andrew told me that a LONG time ago.

do these people think i *ENJOY* being helpless and having people think i can't do anything at all?!

this morning, my anodyne machine (med dispensing machine) messed up. it wasn't dispensing the cups of meds at all, i tried to open it up and force the wheel of meds to move over so i could pick the meds out manually, the piece of shit wouldn't move. so i called ics and told her my med machine wasn't dispensing. she told me that she'd come to my apartment and try to fix it. it took her close to an hour to get here, by then i had already called my care coordinator and the supervisor of this program and had to leave voicemails. she finally got here after over an hour and she tried to pop the door open and force the wheel to move and she couldn't do it either. so she had me call the phone number on the door and i scheduled for them to come to my apartment and look at it later. it's like the ics workers of this program have this attitude of not wanting to help me (as if i can help myself). IF I COULD DO THESE THINGS MYSELF SAFELY- I WOULD. DO YOU THINK I ENJOY PEOPLE THINKING I CAN'T DO ANYTHING AT ALL?! it doesn't matter what i DO- people will never fuckin recognize it and/or give me credit for it- then they get all pissy about actually helping me when i show them the difficulty i have trying to do the task myself. then people refuse to assist me getting any opportunities to progress and do things MYSELF even though i KNOW they're getting paid to do so. i don't know what they thought an ics worker would be. i'm pretty sure it's not just working/helping clients whenever YOU FEEL LIKE IT. MINNESOTA SURE TAKES CARE OF THEIR DISABLED PEOPLE! SAID A PERSON WHO'S NEVER PERSONALLY HAD EXPERIENCE BEING DISABLED IN HER WHOLE LIFE.

HOW DID THEY GET THERE?! *GASP*

i was just thinking about how the ics worker yesterday CLAIMED that she could only help me with my goals. ZEN HELPED ME POST MY DAMN CLOTHES ON POSHMARK. WHY THE HELL WAS IT ALRIGHT TO HELP ME POST THE LISTING BUT NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN IT'S SUDDENLY NOT A "GOAL" OF MINE?! lazy. i forgot to tell aisha that today when she was trying to tell me that it's not ics workers jobs to post my stuff on poshmark. SHE DIDN'T HONESTLY THINK I POSTED ALL THOSE LISTINGS INDEPENDENTLY. people just think shit according to their convenience.. SO OF COURSE SHE DID! zen was one of the lead ics workers too.. he helped me post those things. then people assume i'm an idiot when it's convenient or beneficial to them. story of my damn life. get used to it.

jobs and occupations..

and since i'm pretty sure i have more fans that are actually bored enough to read my blog ramblings- the supervisor of this program called me today and said that it's not ics' job to help me with going through clothes (to sell on poshmark). i think she may be trying to cover the ics worker's ass, so they don't get in trouble. i'm almost positive if i'd ask my care coordinator who's job it is to assist me with selling things on poshmark- he'd tell me it was ics' job. CONSIDERING fredrick's hours are gradually getting cut. i think back to when i first decided to go into ics housing- my case manager gregory had got me all psyched up about gradually needing less assistance, while they find me housing in new york (it was before i took the trip to massachusetts and opened up my housing area preferences). i had HOPED to be on the east coast by now. since they haven't managed to do what they're expected to help me with and just tell me it's fredrick's job to help me with the things they refuse to help me with and claim it's not their job- FREDRICK SHOULD GET HIS HOURS BACK. if you're being paid to assist someone with something SPECIFICALLY- YOU SHOULD DO IT (NOT just blow them off and tell them it's not your job to help them whenever it's inconvenient or unbeneficial for you). i realize that housing on the east coast in particular is difficult but you just can't expect to get paid for that specifically if you haven't made results in over a year (my goal to move to new york has been for OVER 20 years but then i realize how difficult housing in new york is to get- so i took a trip to massachusetts to widen my possibilities).
i was thinking about how my sister basically tries to mock me (she has since we were younger- i have pictures to prove it). i'm pretty sure i've said this before- YOU'LL NEVER BE LIKE ME AS LONG AS YOU DON'T EVEN GET YOUR GED. especially since the only REAL similarities i see between us two are our last name (which is ACTUALLY the last name of the father of my brother and i- so you're basically a mutt). i remember looking on indeed and ALL of the jobs i see on there SPECIFY how an employee there HAS to have their high school diploma or ged. my friend avrial went to school for a while in lousiana and dropped out but he managed to get his GED from summit. so at least i can say that i know of someone PERSONALLY who HAS got his GED and i think he's an administrative assistant somewhere (since he went to summit when i did and actually stuck with the administrative assistant diploma program.. so i think he's a pca or another related occupation). jeff isn't always gonna be alive to get you a job IF you still have the job at bongard's he got you anyway (part of me doubts it seeing as i'm pretty sure you're the idiot who stalks me through my blog.. you have that much free time- i doubt you have a job anymore..). it's like you expect someone else to just give you the GED without the work put into getting it. I'M NOT GRANDMA. grandma was actually willing to put up with your shit and help you get the GED until your stupid ass goes and pushes her on her ass at my apartment (when i lived in burnsville). grandma actually somewhat assisted me with some of the work when i was going to brown college (she wanted to, she just took a lot of notes for me.. but i really did most of the work but she just seen what i was doing because she wanted to learn more- which is something i really think i got from my grandma.. she was eager to learn new things and she wasn't afraid of people thinking she was an idiot while just learning new things). besides all this- i'm pretty sure i'm much MORE OPEN MINDED and less prejudiced than my sister, so it'll be hard for her to try to imitate me when she's such a basketcase (which i'm positive she inherited from my mom).

don't act confused to try to convince me i'm not capable of doing something i have experience in.

i just had a virtual interview with ranstad. i didn't make any mistakes i could think of- although, i grabbed my spanish folder instead of the folder for my job interviews out of my bag- so i didn't have the questions i typically ask during job interviews. i tried to remember the questions off the top of my head but i think i could only remember 3 of them. i did grab my resume to look at though. so i wasn't completely without information. before my interview, my job coach called me and she was SUPPOSED to be here at 10 for an appointment, which is also why i scheduled my interview at 10 but i told her that i scheduled a virtual interview at 10 and she said, "oh. what's the job for?" and i said, "data entry" then she asked me in a confused tone, "do you have experience with data entry?" and i said, "yeah. the job before sabathani was data entry." in fact- i'm pretty sure it was for the company she's employed at which assists me with job coaching. then she said, "oh.. call me AFTER you're done with the interview." i scheduled the damn interview at the time she was scheduled to see me so she could lend me pointers/assist with the interview for a reason. then she acts like i have difficulty letting her in the apartment building (since my apartment isn't hooked up to the call box in the entryway of the apartment). i'm pretty sure i've let her in the building before without difficulty but i usually have fredrick walk to the entryway to let her in and he's not here until 3. it's irritating when people act like i'm not capable of doing things. i'm pretty used to it by now but it irritates the hell outta me when people assume i'm too handicap or disabled to do simple things and it keeps me from being successful or makes it more difficult anyway. plus, she never answered the phone after i was done with the interview.. so i'm thinking she was looking for the opportunity to get out of my meeting with her. i'll just have to keep trying to call her.

learning from the wrong ass.

i was just thinking tonight, the ics worker said the same EXACT shit that another ics worker used to say to me all the time and i'm pretty sure he got in trouble for it.. or his hours were cut anyway. if you can't do your damn job and are looking for excuses NOT to help a vulnerable adult when that's part of your job- YOUR HOURS SHOULD BE CUT. she's on the wrong path if she's gonna take hints from him. it's almost like they THINK i ENJOY being disabled and not being able to do things the same speed and quality as when i DIDN'T have a tbi. they're just gonna get complained about to their supervisor and i DO have her phone number and i'm pretty sure her email address.

WHO'S DAMN JOB *IS* IT THEN?! *NOBODY* WANTS TO ACTUALLY HELP THESE DAYS.

i was SUPPOSED to have my ics session about 15 minutes ago, the ics worker called me and asked me before she came to my apartment about what i wanted to work on in our session. i told her that i just got an email from poshmark about one of my shirts being sold and i needed her to help me look for the shirt in my closet in one of the bags with all my clothes i was selling in them. she said, "okay but you should look because i can't go through your things.." so after i got off the phone with her, i looked in my closet in one of the bags and i couldn't really tell at first and i HOPED that ics could help me look at the clothes in the bag better because i didn't wanna fall over. so then she came to my apartment and i told her that i needed to call some lady about my MA because some lady emailed me telling me that it wasn't her job to help people with MA but she can just tell me who to call. it feels like i've already called the lady but then i'm not sure if my memory just put false memories in my head like it tends to do. then the ics worker walked with me to my room to look at the bags to see if i could find the shirt then she said to me, "i told you to look through the bags.. it's not my job to look through your things." wtf? i thought it was your job to assist me with daily living tasks.. then she says, "this isn't one of your goals." the ONLY "goal" that i'm aware of is to assist me in finding an apartment in massachusetts or new york. so that really isn't fair. i called the lady that i was emailed to call to see if she could help me with it and i got a voice mail.. i don't remember if i called her already because like i said, i thought i remembered doing it but that may be false. the ics worker didn't help me with that either. she left my apartment and said, "it's not one of your goals, so it's not my job to help you with it." i closed the door and said to myself, "fine. what the hell IS your job then?" all these fuckin pca's, ics workers, and other people PAID to assist disabled people DON'T DO THEIR DAMN JOBS. what's new? i can't find a place where i actually get help that's truly beneficial ANYWHERE. all these home health aids, pca's, and ics workers are all the SAME. they just play on their damn phones and sit in the fucking offices acting like they're doing their damn jobs. THEY IGNORE THE FACT THAT I HAVE A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY WHICH DOES ACTUALLY REQUIRE A LITTLE BIT OF ASSISTANCE TO HELP ME LIVE SUCCESSFULLY AND CONSTRUCTIVELY. just because i require assistance to do things does NOT mean i should just get assistance when it's convenient or beneficial for the person supposedly helping me. YOU'RE GETTING PAID TO DO A DAMN JOB- DO IT.
i also scheduled an interview on thursday with some guy about doing data entry.