when will it end?

i was just thinking while sitting on my couch this morning, i wonder if people are deliberately trying to refuse to give me the resources i need to sleep fully, so i'm rested and i don't have a seizure and/or feel lightheaded when i'm walking. my stupid cpap isn't working at all AND i haven't had concerta in at least 3 weeks (my grandma used to make sure i ALWAYS had my concerta when she was alive CAN'T DEPEND ON AMANDA TO CARE LIKE THAT- she can't even assist me in the way she told my grandma she would). ah well- if a seizure doesn't kill me, then maybe i'll stop breathing while sleeping (which i've been told my a lot of people i tend to do while sleeping). JUST A MATTER OF TIME!

*GASP* i'm NOT too stupid to recognize when people AREN'T doing their jobs *PROPERLY*!

fredrick and i went to the bank today to open up an account to put my renter's refund check in since i'm convinced amy makes herself look like she's actually doing her job by using my benefits and money i earn outside of my trust to insinuate she's actually doing her job. i remember brian used to invest my money, along with my trustee before when my grandma was still alive- dirk (i seen the reports). amy also puts a stop on how i want to use my money- like buying myself a vehicle and taking a trip to mexico for my fortieth birthday. i'm also convinced that she purposely says i can't use my money how i want, so it looks like she's actually doing her job thoroughly. brian used to let me take a trip EVERY year and he never objected to it at all, while still allowing me to spend my money how i wanted. maybe because he was ACTUALLY making me money in my trust and didn't have to worry about losing money because he ACTUALLY did his damn job?! *gasp* you're not showing your dominance by preventing me from using MY money the way I want. get the fuck over yourself and learn how to do your damn job correctly.

people judging that i'm STUPIDER and more GULLIBLE than i really am! WHAT A SURPRISE.

alright.. when i was showering just now i thought of a conversation i had with amanda's mom when i called her last week i think, she said to me, "i don't know if mexico is safe.. you heard about your dad, right?" then i said, "yeah i know. he's dead." then she said, "well your dad is dead.. i don't see why you wanna go there.." and i said, "i wanna see where i was born." then she said, "oh." she said that all to me as if she was talking to my mom, thinking she'd scare me because she's assuming i'm gullible and easily scared like my mom. there is a DIFFERENT PRESIDENT in mexico from when my dad was killed. i'm assuming it's 100% safer. afterall, i DO remember seeing facebook pictures of crystal (back when she didn't think she was too good to be my facebook friend) and brent in mexico.. i highly doubt they'd take a trip there if it was unsafe. I'M NOT MY MOM. I WON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU SAY JUST TO SCARE ME WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN FUCKIN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. there's OBVIOUSLY NEW government there. THEY HAVE A WOMAN PRESIDENT WHO NOW HAS ALL MEXICAN CITIZENS ON UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANNA FUCK THEIR CITIZENS OVER FOR WANTING TO ACTUALLY LIVE HEALTHY LIKE THE GOOD OL' UNITED STATES FUCKIN THE CITIZENS OVER WITH THEIR MEDICAL BILLS! BET MY MOM DIDN'T KNOW THAT! BUT YOU PEOPLE SEEM TO THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING AND I'M EXACTLY LIKE MY BUM MOM. you're just gonna piss me off saying i'm like her when she hasn't been through HALF the shit i have because she's a scared bum and you and the rest of the family members scared her because you're overprotective and ultimately- uncaring. GUESS WHAT DICKS? I HAVE TWO SETS OF DNA- MY MOM'S AND MY DAD'S AND I THINK MY DAD'S IS TAKING OVER FOR MY DECISION MAKING BECAUSE I'M AWARE I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO LOSE ANYMORE AND THOSE PEOPLE ARE THE MOST DANGEROUS. if you people were to take away my decision-making for some reason (i actually KNOW i'm 10x more intelligent than my mom), i'll probably do something you all will regret. i think i was in tears one day when talking to my therapist about how i didn't wanna end up like my mom and my therapist tried to reassure me by saying, "you've worked jobs before in your life. your mom doesn't work." that made me feel a little better but everyone else refuses to acknowledge my differences to my mom. BET MY MOM NEVER ATTENDED THREE DIFFERENT COLLEGES. NOTHING i do will make me appear more able or knowledgable to anyone. people refuse to acknowledge how i already attended courage kenny for at least 3 or 4 years. i have proof of it on facebook. go fuckin gaslight someone who ACTUALLY CARES because i don't..

DON'T make important decisions if you have ABSOLUTELY *NO* EXPERIENCE in doing so.

i'm watching family feud on bet right now and the question was "what is something you should choose in life wisely?" and the woman said, "banker" and that was the 4th popular answer. i'm trying to think if i got to PICK MY BANKER and i don't believe i got to pick amy. the (terry) bradshaw family answered that answer. i called amy last week and i had to leave her a voicemail as usual asking her what her supervisor's name and number are- STILL NO RESPONSE! that should be another slap on the wrist for her. MY MALE TRUSTEES ACTUALLY RETURNED MY DAMN CALLS MORE RELIABLY AND QUICKER THAN THE SAD EXCUSE OF A "TRUSTEE" I HAVE NOW- ESPECIALLY SINCE SHE STILL HASN'T ANSWERED MY DAMN QUESTION. i'm almost positive SOMEONE STUPID AND SEXIST decided she'd be a better trustee for me since she's a kewliez woman! that person has NO right making important decisions like that for me considering she NEVER answers the fuckin phone herself. must be a stupid people thing because i make SURE i answer all the calls that come to me and if i'm not able- I HAVE ENOUGH RESPECT TO RETURN THE DAMN CALLS. regardless if i know who called- i call back the people using my caller id. all my trustees have been male (except for ruth ann when my grandma was alive and she delt with her and she said i should be able to spend my money however i wanted because it's MY money and MY life and the money is useless when i die). males are just more psychologically responsible when it comes to my finances- IN MY EXPERIENCE anyway. THEY ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO INVEST AND MAKE ME MONEY AS OPPOSED TO SIT ON MY DAMN MONEY- NOT ALLOWING ME TO SPEND IT, JUST SO IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE ACTUALLY DOING THEIR FUCKING JOBS. LET THE PEOPLE WITH ACTUAL INTELLIGENCE MAKE DECISIONS ON WHO'S HANDLING THEIR FINANCES. so now i'm not gonna get to take the trip to where i was born because my smart ass of a trustee enjoys sitting on my money and not allowing me to spend it to take the first trip back to where i was born since i was born. thanks a lot smart ass! you're doing more damage to my life than actually helping me like my grandma intended. i'll just spend it at a strip club seeing some titties. THANKS A LOT AMANDA!

Get something better to do.

i don't really understand the purpose of my sister always reading my blog. i clearly don't like you and you don't do anything for me (like the rest of my family with an exception to joe). i know that if i were in your situation- i wouldn't be wasting my time reading the blog of someone who don't even like me. then i wonder if some views aren't from my mom and the only reason she'd be interested in what i was doing is just because it interests my sister to stalk me and see what kind of things she COULD be doing with her life if she hadn't spread her legs for the convenience store deadbeat so many times. work on yourself. stalking your kewliez older sister isn't gonna get you ANYWHERE. now i kinda understand what attracted mike the convenience store deadbeat to you! you're both losers!

fredrick was gonna bring me to the bank to open a new account, so i could deposit my refund check in there, since i'm convinced that amy doesn't know how to do her job and INVEST her clients' money- so she tries to stop the clients from spending money any way she can by refusing to give money for trips for their FORTIETH BIRTHDAY so they get so depressed they kill themselves- so she can run away with the money in her trust because she IS the other holder! if i kill myself- i'd make sure i came back and HAUNTED YOU! plus i'm pretty sure my will says to give everything to my brother if i die. you haven't helped me with ANYTHING since you've took brian's spot. at least brian and i would go out for dinner and he wouldn't charge me to talk to him like you do and he wouldn't get into arguments with me like YOU do. i don't remember the last phone conversation i had with you where we weren't arguing with each other.

this has to be at least the 5th or 6th day where i got around 5 hrs. of sleep if i'm lucky.

well- i didn't get much sleep AGAIN.. my cpap still isn't working. i probably got around 4 or 5 hours of sleep. i lost track of the days and i was thinking it was saturday or sunday.. until i walked by my calendar and seen that my care coordinator was coming to meet with me in my apartment for an annual check-up or somethin like that. i ate and brushed my teeth, then sat on my couch and waited for him to come. he came and we talked with each other in my living room. he asked me how things were going and he looked at my health alert, since that hasn't been working for at least 3 weeks i'd say. he determined that the battery in the pendant was dead- so fredrick and i are gonna go get a new battery in a little while. then he asked me what about my physical health, i should've figured someone who is on my "care" team would bring this up when they seen me. i'm not too outta shape (in my opinion) but people will always try to urge a person who used to be going to rehab. and isn't anymore to go back to rehabilitation, so it looks like they're doing their jobs. the fact that i'm volunteering probably eases their minds a little- so i'm at least doing something constructive and i don't have time to get in trouble. i don't have time for people's ideas of wasting my time acting like i'm helping myself get physically fit when they don't do SHIT for me because i lack ADVOCACY to jerk them off and make them actually appear "HELPFUL" (which they by NO MEANS are if you don't have the proper advocacy- i've been on both sides of support systems- ACTUALLY having advocacy (but my grandma was naive, so i think that helped reel them in) and LACKING advocacy (right now when my grandma is dead and most people are too busy to care about me). IF YOU HAVE ANY SIGN OF INTELLIGENCE- YOU SHOULD REALIZE THAT I DON'T HAVE THE PROPER RESOURCES OF SUPPORT IN THIS STATE- SO I'M GOING SOMEWHERE THERE'S ACTUALLY RESOURCES FOR ALL DISABLED PEOPLE (and people in general). taxes may be high there but they're definitely not higher than minnesota's and you ACTUALLY get what you pay for in massachusetts, judging by how people treat each other and the CLEANLINESS and ACCESSIBILITY of the ENVIRONMENT there. minnesota just steals money from taxes and rewards the rich dicks.

still no sleep..

i should've figured there'd be a reason i couldn't get my cpap again. we called to find out the clinic and they said they didn't cover my insurance. i left my care coordinator ANOTHER voicemail since i'm pretty sure he claimed this was one of the clinics who did cover my insurance.
i'm pretty sure that i didn't get that mobile job either because i was looking at my indeed account and it said "response unlikely" but i suppose they could be busy since the guy DID tell me that he'd get back to me NEXT WEEK when he was finished interviewing people. so i suppose there could be a small chance now that i think about my phone conversation with him yesterday. i think that indeed tried to tell me i had a "response unlikely" to sabathani before i found out i was volunteering there as well (now that i think about it). so who knows? my employment luck may have changed, even though i wouldn't really count on it- considering how things typically go for me.
i also called the housing authority that my champs account told me i was on the housing list for and i got an apartment application from them last week (i think?) and asked them if i needed to send in a paper copy of the application to the apartment if i applied online already, she said, "no i don't think so." then she said she'd call me back and see, well- she called me back and told me that she didn't think i needed to, so i'll hopefully have a better chance at getting an apartment in massachusetts sooner than the one in boston at least, it's only an hour and a half away from boston.. so at least i'll have my feet wet in massachusetts before the one closer to boston houses me. hopefully it'll be less time than if i were to pursue new york instead. looking for the fastest, safest exit to the east coast as possible now.

SLEEP?!

i forgot to mention that i should ACTUALLY be getting some sleep tommorow or soon anyway because ICS is bringing me into the place where they're repairing cpaps and other medical equipment. i also found the wireless provider that i interviewed with yesterday and asked him when i could find out if i was hired and he told me that he had some more interviews and i should know by next tuesday for sure. i meant to take a notebook with me to the interview to write it down when i asked- but of course, that didn't happen.

didn't say anything wrong that i can think of.

i just got back from my interview with the wireless provider i just interviewed with. at first, i got the impression this would be another dud of an interview because i showed up at the place on time and the guy i was interviewing with stood inside the store, doing other things and he told me to wait because the store hadn't even opened yet. then he finally let me in and he had me wait for his colleague to come to work since he was gonna interview me and he needed someone on the floor working to help customers. his colleague came finally and he had me come with him in a room. he told me about himself and then i told him what made me want to apply to this job. he went over the hours and asked me if i had anything going on that would prevent me from working those hours. i told him that i volunteer at sabathani community center in minneapolis every tuesday and he knew where i was talking about right away and said, "oh! i know where that is! my family and i have went there for food!" so he knows the kind of environment of work i'm familiar with at least. then he asked me what would prevent me from doing a good job. i must've stopped for a while, trying to think of what was appropriate to say because he said, "what? be honest." then i said, "well, at one of my other interviews they asked this same question and i told them. i tend to get angry at things when people say certain things but i see a therapist and they've helped me with solutions on what to do." then the guy said, "like taking time to think about when someone says something to you.. i know. i've went through the same thing. is it for like a temper?" then i said, "yeah. i'm glad someone can relate to me and knows what i'm talking about." then i'm pretty sure he said he had some more interviews and he'd get back to me (although i forget exactly when). i said, "good! i just don't want you to forget about me!" then he said, "oh.. no, i won't forget about you." so i'm not sure if i should take that as a good or bad thing. we'll just have to see.