i think i remember.

i'm pretty sure that i DID go back to gillete for treatment for atrial fibrilation. i remember because i'm pretty sure the physical therapist had me on some table and scanned my body and did treatment through some kind of light treatment.

another interview.

i just got back from my interview at buffalo wild wings. it took a long time to get there, i think i arrived right on time- maybe a few minutes late but he didn't say anything. the man who interviewed me asked me the normal questions an interviewer would ask- mainly to tell him about myself. i told him my work history and asked him questions that i managed to find this interview (i couldn't find them last interview). i was correct- it WAS a bar-like environment. the man kept bringing up how workers would have to be on their feet a lot, i'm sure it was because i had my cane with me. i told him i use the cane just for assistance with balance sometimes. so i'm pretty sure he may tell me the job isn't right because i walk with a cane, even though i'm pretty sure it's illegal for employers to discriminate against me for being disabled. that's one of the things i like especially about sabathani community center- they don't look down on any disabilities and they work to help EVERYONE become successful and get opportunities. at least the guy interviewed me because i feel like i went to an interview in the same environment before and they just straight out told me they didn't think it was the right job for me. i don't even think he asked me any questions then.
i've been having pain in my chest/heart again lately (the last time i remember having this pain i lived in burnsville and i had to go to the emergency room a few times). it says having irregular heart beats are a symptom of atrial fibrillation and i feel like i got tested for that when i lived in burnsville. i feel like they might have treated me for it unless i'm just imagining it. i asked if it's a symptom of a stroke and it said that it's more than likely atrial fibrilation.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

i called amy this morning and i left her a message frustrated with how i'm not able to cash MY renter's rebate check and someone told me i had to automatically deposit in my trust. MY TRUST ABSOLUTELY REFUSED TO PAY ANY OF MY RENT. so ABSOLUTELY NONE of MY money should go to my trust. ESPECIALLY since i wanted to use that money to buy a vehicle- SINCE EVERYONE ELSE FUCKIN REFUSES TO PURCHASE A CAR FOR ME. it's like NO ONE wants me to progress in life- I GOTTA LIVE IN THIS FUCKING STATE, DEPENDING ON SOCIAL SECURITY, SMOKING CIGARETTES AND DRINKING PEPSI WHILE I TALK TO MY DOGS. SOUND FAMILIAR, MOM?! amanda is SUPPOSED to HELP me so this emotional abuse DOESN'T get passed down to me. generational trauma. "YOU GOT THIS!" is ALL i get from her as a sad excuse to be supportive. i've said this a million times- i should've died in the accident i was in. HOW'S THAT FOR "GRATEFUL", CATHY?! being forced to reduce my ability so i can rely on social security my whole life while being unemployed= THAT WOULD BE AMANDA'S MASTER PLAN FOR ME! IT SEEMED TO WORK FOR MY MOM UNTIL MY GRANDPARENTS WERE DECEASED. A HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MY MOM'S SUPPORT AND MY SORRY EXCUSE OF "SUPPORT" WHICH AMANDA IS RESPONSIBLE FOR- my grandparents ACTUALLY supported my mom FINANCIALLY and PHYSICALLY, plus they left her live in the apartment they used to own before it was stolen from them because of "eminent domain". i'm left with- "YOU GOT THIS!" if and when i actually call amanda- which i gave up on a long time ago because she'd never answer the phone or return any of my voicemails when i actually called her. it felt like i was begging for support and begging isn't my thing. if you're gonna be an unsupportive, entitled person and expecting that to be enough for a PERSON WHO NEARLY DIED AND COMATOSE FOR SIX MONTHS, HAD TO RELY ON A DAMN WHEELCHAIR FOR AT LEAST TWENTY YEARS OF HER LIFE BECAUSE HER SAD EXCUSE OF SUPPORT JUST LIKED THE IMAGE OF APPEARING AS "CARING" FOR A PERSON WHO RELIES ON A WHEELCHAIR (PROOF WOULD BE HOW MY GRANDMA ALWAYS INTRODUCED ME AS HER "QUADRIPLEGIC GRANDDAUGHTER"). when i got in my car accident- I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF MY DAMN FAMILY MEMBERS BEING IN THE CAR WITH ME DURING THE ACCIDENT TO RECIEVE ANY FUCKING SYMPATHY WHATSOEVER. my mom actually has the audacity to think i'm ANYTHING like her- so i should just be by her. AFTER SHE HELD ME IN FRONT OF MY DAD WHILE HE WAS KICKING HER WHEN I WAS A KID.. i'm supposed to sweep this abuse and neglect under the rug? KISS MY ASS. i've had SEVERAL dreams reminiscing this situation in the past- PLUS, TWO SURGERIES ON MY BOWEL. OH PLEASE!! LET ME BE A HELPLESS, UNEMPLOYED LOSER LIKE MY MOMMY! that's what you might as well say. that's a HUGE motivation for me to actually get out there and apply to all these jobs, so i don't end up unemployed, smoking, and drinking pepsi after pepsi like my mom does. she's never been forced to be accountable or responsible for ANYTHING in her whole life.. including holding me in front of my dad while he kicked her. SHE'S NEVER APOLOGIZED TO ME FOR IT, SO SHE'S OBVIOUSLY NEVER TAKEN ACCOUNTABILITY FOR IT- OR EVEN BROUGHT IT UP TO ME IN THE PAST. i'm thinking it's because she's afraid of being forced to take accountability for things since she has to be ashamed of her stupidity. DOESN'T MATTER TO AMANDA! JUST CONDONE THIS NEGLECT AND ABUSE BECAUSE IT WORKED ALL OF TRACY'S LIFE AND WE'RE (INCLUDING YOU, AMANDA) TOO FUCKIN STUPID TO TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY AND ACTUALLY BE HONEST AND EMPATHETIC DEALING WITH THIS! go cry to grandma's friend carol, amanda, debbie, or whoever the hell you whine to about my blog posts since you're such a damn loser. I'M NOT PUSSYFOOTING. whenever i refer to my mom in the future, don't count on it being positive. she's honestly EVERYTHING i AVOID being/doing. she's NOTHING but a huge weight on ANY progress i make in life and AMANDA DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME- SO SHE DEPENDS ON MY MOM CLINGING TO ME AND TRYING TO WEIGH ME DOWN SO HER SELFISH, NAIVE ASS DOESN'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING TO HELP ME! YOU GOT THIS! you'll see what it's like to have to depend on someone for help and THEY AIN'T GONNA BE THERE. your aunt used to always say "what goes around, comes around" and that'll go for this too. karma's a bitch.

maybe it'll actually help me get somewhere i can be truly happy?

i just had my interview at grey wolf's lodge and i'd say it went good- but i say that about all the interviews i've had and still not hired. the lady interviewing me asked me the typical questions an interviewer asks and i answered them honestly without making a mistake.. (that i can think of). i should've asked her when she was gonna get back to me but i'm not sure if or when she told me she'd get back to me. i think it'd be by next week for sure. i'm also having this difficulty with getting my damn renters rebate check cashed and ics just tried to tell me if i opened up another bank account, i'd get my benefits taken away. that's funny because when i used to live in burnsville, i went to usbank and opened up an account independently and *GASP* I DIDN'T LOSE MY BENEFITS! stop trying to scare me from being independent, jackasses. i have a feeling i know who that "someone" is that told abdul that information. he doesn't want me to be independent- he wants me to stay a vulnerable, dependant person. my lock box isn't safe to keep my money in anymore either- so that poses a problem. NOBODY GIVES A FUCK THOUGH BECAUSE IT'S NOT THEIR PROBLEMS. can't depend on anyone to assist me around here either. EVERYONE STEALS FROM ME OR TELLS ME UNCARINGLY "YOU GOT THIS!". no one wants me to have ANYTHING. i wonder why the hell i want to get as far away from this stupid ass state as possible. i'm just hoping one day not to wake up because my apnea prevents me from breathing in my sleep and no one will properly assist me in making sure my damn cpap works. SO IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME!

occupado

i have a busy remaining week starting tomorrow, i have 3 interviews coming up until after saturday. i just scheduled one at shake shack today, i'm pretty sure they won't hire me but it'd be like the one of the only food-service jobs i'd actually be okay working. i also have an interview at great wolf lodge and buffalo wild wings.. i'm not sure if buffalo wild wings will be the kind of environment i want to work at because i picture a bar-like environment and that's the last place i'd be comfortable working but i honestly don't remember ever being at a buffalo wild wings before- so i could be wrong.. it may be a less rowdy place than i picture. i guess out of all the jobs i have scheduled, the only one i'm for sure qualified for is great wolf lodge because it's a hospitality job and i think i'm more qualified for that job because it's not a food service job specifically and i kinda assume that the employer may assume i'm not in the physical condition to cook or clean up dishes like when i was being trained in for the job at the hotel (i'm pretty sure it was a hilton) when the guy training me gossiped and talked about me to the girls working the front desk about how he didn't "understand how the supervisor expected him to train a person in that condition.. LOOK AT HER.". i've got an open mind though, i'll give anything a try as long as i find it to be safe and not put me in danger or danger of messing everything up. i'm trying to find a job to keep me busy so i won't have time to think about things and get into trouble.

i don't know why i even waste my time complaining about this shit- IT'S NOT LIKE *ANYONE* CARES!

so i spoke to my care coordinator about something and how i'm unable to drive came up, he HAD told me before that we could try to go around what the assessments said and now he says to me, "you didn't pass the assessments." i don't remember what else he said because i was so irritated with how he's changed his tone about helping me so i could drive again- i shouldn't really be surprised that he's changed his tone because he doesn't exactly seem like the kind of person i could depend on. i've went to courage kenny's behind-the-wheel driving program in the past at least THREE fucking times with the hope they'd actually help me get my driver's license again. even after i had attended there for at least 5 years- THEY STILL FAILED ME WITH THE COMMENT "NEEDS MORE THERAPY". courage kenny had facebook remove a bunch of the videos of me doing therapy so they could take part in GASLIGHTING me into believing i should go to therapy EVEN THOUGH I SPENT AT LEAST FIVE FUCKING YEARS DOING NOTHING TO PROGRESS MY ABILITY BECAUSE NO ONE CARED ENOUGH TO RESPONSIBLY ADVOCATE FOR ME- MAKING SURE I'M ACTUALLY MAKING PROGRESS SO I SEE RESULTS BECAUSE THEY ENJOYED THE IMAGE OF BEING A FAMILY MEMBER OF SOMEONE WHO'S HANDICAPPED (INSINUATING IT MADE THEM LOOK "CARING"). i've seen people MORE disabled than i am with their damn driver's licenses. so people are obviously taking advantage of the fact that no one gives a damn about me. and amanda wonders why i wanna move to the east coast- THEY HAVE MORE ACCESSIBLE AND AVAILABLE TRANSPORTATION. YOU ASSUME I'LL BE SATISFIED BEING A DISABLED BUM ON SOCIAL SECURITY DEPENDING ON OTHERS TO HELP ME DO EVERYTHING WHEN I AM CAPABLE OF DOING MORE FOR MYSELF THAN JUST DEPENDING ON PEOPLE WHO ONLY FUCKIN HELP ME WHEN THEY FEEL LIKE IT OR WHEN IT'S CONVENIENT AND/OR BENEFICIAL FOR THEM. i'm glad i see my psychologist tomorrow because this just irritates and depresses the fuck outta me. it makes me mad that no one cares to actually fucking help me because they assume i have this "better than nothin" attitude. GUESS WHAT DICKS? I REALIZE THAT SHIT WON'T GET ME ANYWHERE. IT'S THE REASON WHY I LIVED IN THE SUBSIDIZED SHITHOLE FOR SO LONG, ALLOWING OLD PERVERTS TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME BECAUSE IT WAS BETTER THAN NOTHIN! if you assholes knew some of the shit i experienced- you'd be disgusted and it's YOUR fault for not checking to see if i was truly happy because IT DIDN'T AFFECT YOU. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT ME THOUGH, SO I DON'T DESERVE THE OPPORTUNITIES THAT PEOPLE GET!

maybe i'm not the only one?

i turned the breakfast club on this morning and they had a psychologist who deals with mommy wounds. i'm not sure i would've recognized my mommy wounds if it weren't for the TWO SURGERIES i've been FORCED to endure because i was used as a shield while my mom was being kicked by my dad when i was a toddler. i wouldn't consider either parents less guilty than the other.. they were both too immature to have kids- but my mom is stupid, so she just had more! my grandparents recognized this and tried to help as much as possible. i had always been attached to my grandparents and my psychologist and i came up with the reason for that. thinking about the traumatizing dreams that were reminiscing of when i was KICKED by my dad because my mom nanchalantly turned with me in her arms (as if to tell him he should calm down because i was there- i think, but then again- my mom doesn't think that logically, so it was to use me as a shield while he was kicking her). i had naturally had an attraction of staying at my grandparents' house when i was growing up and my psychologist came up with how i felt safety by trusted adults. i realized that my facebook reactions by my friends have went down ever since i figured out the reason for my bowel surgeries. they were raised in safe, happy families and this kind of situation is foreign to them and they're not sure what the appropriate way to react. my mom has NEVER denied this ridiculous parenting at her hands. she's more than likely ashamed and still immature- so she's not sure what to do and her mommy-savior isn't here to condone her neglect/abuse anymore- SO SHE'S SCREWED! i honestly couldn't figure out the reason why i always wanted to be at my grandparents' house over my mom's house until i thought about it one day with my psychologist. has she ever even brought this situation of neglect and abuse to me ever? HELL NO. she assumes i'm stupid- so i'll just kick it under the rug and act like it never happened. a few problems with that- my body doesn't seem to want to forget this neglect/abuse.. SO I'VE BEEN FORCED TO ENDURE TWO SURGERIES SO FAR! at this rate- i'll be shitting in a colostomy bag soon thanks to my asshole parents! the rest of my family who has knowledge of this abuse/neglect just assume it'll go away if no one brings it up too! that alone shows the amount of disrespect and lack of CARE they have for me as a person- especially since i've went through TWO surgeries caused by this narcissistic bum. SO IF YOU HONESTLY DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I WANT TO MOVE AS FAR AWAY FROM MY NARCISSISTIC-SELFISH MOM, YOU'RE SERIOUSLY CLUELESS AND SELFISH YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT MY SAFETY AND HAPPINESS. MY MOM WILL CAUSE MORE WORK FOR YOU, CLEANING UP HER MESS AND ALL THE PAIN SHE'S BOUND TO BE THE CAUSE OF. especially if you think not helping me get somewhere safe and successful will help you because it's not your business- NARCISSISTIC BUMS LIKE MY MOM HAVE A WAY OF MAKING IT YOUR BUSINESS! laugh at that and call me "crazy" all you want but i'm sure in the back of your mind- YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE. that's what you get for enabling this abuse and negligence. you got this! *rolls eyes* i know she hasn't grown up either because even AFTER the car accident i was in when i was in a wheelchair, my mom would still leave me at her apartment helpless and alone so she could go play pool with her little boyfriend carlos at the bar. i called my grandma when i needed help once and i told her the situation, to which my grandma was PISSED off at my mom and bitched her out for it. now that my grandma isn't here anymore to tame her- she does WTF she wants and is trying to bring me down to her level so she's not lonely. you need help. time to grow up.

Noises

man.. i hear someone messing with my door right mow and my damn cpap isn't working to distract me to sleep. i called the guy who works overnight duty and he said he'd check on it but i was supposed to give him a while. my damn health alert isn't working either. i got up like 5-10 minutes ago to check if my door was locked and it was. so i'll just continue waiting for the overnight guy to come.

who's "RESPONSIBILITY" is it to assist me with my medical equipment then, genius?

i didn't do much today. fredrick took me to southdale center so i could exchange the pants i ordered at abercrombie & fitch. luckily it didn't require too much energy from me to go there and back because i'm kinda tired because my stupid cpap doesn't work properly. again- the joys of having apnea passed down to you! to top it off- zen told me that i shouldn't call the overnight ics worker when my cpap stops working because it's "not their responsibility". again- he speaks to me like i'm stupid and i'll believe whatever he says. IT IS THE ICS WORKERS RESPONSIBILITY BECAUSE THEY'RE GETTING PAID TO HELP ME. it's funny because i'm pretty sure that zen tries not to help me as much as he can because the ics workers aren't fully getting paid for caring for me- fredrick shares the other hours of pay. THIS is part of the reason WHY i refuse to tell my case manager to give the ics workers more hours. zen treats me like i'm a fucking idiot- SO THAT REALLY DOESN'T HELP THE ICS' CASE OR PUSH FOR MORE HOURS. if and when i have to- i WILL tell the appropriate people what zen claimed about my cpap not being the ics workers' responsibility, so i shouldn't call them when it stops working when i'm sleeping. WTF DO YOU GET PAID FOR AT NIGHT ANYWAY IF THAT'S THE CASE?! learn how to do your fucking job properly, negligent toad. i remember how logan, who used to have zen's place in this ics agency and how he actually seemed more proactive in assisting me to move to the east coast. he wrote down all these resources to places in new york (when i was looking to move specifically there) and i think he helped me call some. logan reminded me of my cousin joe because he was so caring. he doesn't work here anymore. probably got a job that pays more. the good ones always get better jobs. the guy who usually works overnight came to my apartment and actually got my cpap working a few times so far.. he doesn't seem that bothered, although he has to be the one reporting my cpap not working so he's gotta fix it when it doesn't work. zen may be trying to make things in life harder for me too.. i'm not really sure why. i don't remember having any disagreements with him in the past.

DO YOU TRULY *KNOW* (OR CARE FOR THAT MATTER) EVERYTHING I'VE WENT THROUGH TO GET WHERE I AM?

i'm reminded of how i'm NOT able to do things i've proven i'm STILL capable of doing, then i get angry and i find something to do to take my mind off how i'm a USELESS FUCKING PAWN that people don't concern themselves with because it's NOT THEIR PROBLEMS PERSONALLY. i had my driver's permit when i lived in burnsville and i drove my ex's car a few times. so i'm not really sure how amanda or anyone else who supposedly "cares" about me can live with themselves just watching me struggle to get my life back and be successful and TRULY happy and i DON'T MEAN WASTING MORE OF MY DAMN TIME AT COURAGE KENNY SINCE MY GRANDMA SWORE TO ME THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE TO RETURN THERE AFTER SHE DIED BECAUSE AMANDA WOULD HAVE ME LIVING IN NEW YORK! more proof that amanda DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME BECAUSE SHE'S NOT WILLING TO HELP ME IF IT DOESN'T BENEFIT HER IN SOME WAY. the fact that i've shown absolutely NO interest in hauling my ass mindlessly to courage kenny where her super kewliez sister-in-law is a therapist (so if she's ANYTHING like the other therapists there- she's ignorant, unhelpful, and entitled while trying to take advantage of vulnerable adults.. :o KINDA LIKE AMANDA IS TO ME!). amanda used to warn me i'd hate her because she'd have me working so hard.. WHEN DOES THAT START, GENIUS?! WHEN YOU LEARN TO REALIZE WHAT PEOPLE (WHO DON'T BENEFIT YOU) GO THROUGH?! wait.. that's empathy and that's too difficult and inconvenient for you to do. I KNOW MY GRANDMA IS ROLLING IN HER GRAVE NOW. GREAT CARING NEICE! *ROLLS EYES* do you ever stop to think that MAYBE i'm UNABLE to move myself and get myself where i really want to live because NO ONE LISTENS TO A DAMN VULNERABLE ADULT?! i had hopes that i was actually gonna move where I want but with zen acting like i'm a handicap idiot- so he can tell me whatever he wants because i'm too stupid to realize the truth.. i'm kinda thinking this will just be another 10 years or whatever acting like i'm actually getting something done with moving and IT'LL BE TIME FOR PEOPLE TO LIE AND SAY I CAN'T TAKE CARE OF MYSELF INDEPENDENTLY (LIKE THEY HAVE BEFORE NUMEROUS TIMES- WHICH IS WHY I HAD TO TAKE ALL THESE TESTS TO PROVE :o *GASP* I AM CAPABLE OF HELPING MYSELF SO I COULD CONTINUE LIVING INDEPENDENTLY NO THANKS TO MY *SUPPOSED* ADVOCATE BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T PERSONALLY FIND BENEFIT IN HELPING ME GET WHERE I TRULY WANT TO BE IN LIFE!) i've lived in the courage residence when i stopped living with my devil-mom.. hm, now that i think about it- i may have lived in the courage residence TWICE in life, i've went through NUMEROUS years of therapy at courage kenny (i used to have videos on facebook proving it until elon muskrat had them all taken down because he wanted to gaslight me with courage kenny, so they could get more money off therapy I'VE ALREADY DONE AND YOU'D FUCKIN KNOW THAT IF YOU CARED ABOUT ME AS MUCH AS YOU TRY TO MAKE IT SEEM. GO FUCK YOURSELF. IF YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND THE SHIT I'VE BEEN THROUGH TO GET WHERE I AM NOW AND YOU'RE SUPPOSEDLY SUPPOSED TO BE "ADVOCATING" FOR ME. JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY DOES NOT MAKE ME ANY LESS OF A PERSON. I HAVE GOALS AND A LIFE TOO. JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK I SHOULD GO TO COURAGE KENNY AND THEY'LL HELP ME- DOES NOT MEAN THAT'S CORRECT. YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY NEVER BEEN THERE IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE. DON'T EVEN TRY TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE YOU CARE BECAUSE YOU, MY MOM, AND THE REST OF MY FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE AND JAY) OBVIOUSLY DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ME. YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET ANYTHING FROM ME GOING TO COURAGE KENNY- BUT MAYBE A FEW CALLS FROM COURAGE KENNY AND THE POLICE COMPLAINING ABOUT MY ERRATIC BEHAVIOR IF I GO. THAT MUST BE YOUR INTENTION. TRY TO MAKE ME GO CRAZY SO YOU CAN JUST MAKE YOURSELF LOOK LIKE A "CARING" RELATIVE WHEN YOU CLEARLY DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME. especially NOT since you don't find any benefit in my goals personally!) WHY AREN'T I MORE GRATEFUL WITH THE FACT THAT EVERYONE THINKS I'M TOO FUCKING STUPID TO HELP MYSELF AND LIVE AN ACTUAL LIFE OF MY CHOICE?! THEY IGNORE ALL THE WORK I'VE DONE TO AVOID GETTING MY RIGHTS TAKEN AWAY FROM ME AND THEY'RE STILL BEING TAKEN FROM ME. I SUPPOSE THAT MAKES AMANDA HAPPY BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T WANNA SEE ANYONE DOING BETTER THAN HER. ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY CAME FROM BASICALLY THE SAME PLACE. why did my grandma think such an entitled, uncaring person would ACTUALLY HELP me?! THE CLOSER I GET TO MY FAMILY- THE CRAZIER I'LL GET. SO FOR YOUR BEST INTERESTS- I SUGGEST YOU ACTUALLY DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO ASSIST ME IN LIVING IN THE BOSTON/CONCORD AREA. that's not a threat. that's a promise. you're an idiot if you think i'm lying because my history in life seems to tell a different story- it may not happen now.. but i PROMISE you, i'll get FAR AWAY from my narcissistic mom and her flying monkeys.. she'll probably be too old to remember me anyway judging by how i'm pretty sure she thinks and her mental capacity (or lackof) now.