apparently making me more "dependent" on services to make me LESS independent is more USEFUL to this sad excuse of a state.

one of the biggest reasons i clearly am moving from minnesota is because this state seems to disregard me as a person in general and just thinks, "well- nobody cares about stacy as a person, so one less person driving is better for this state because stacy and everyone supporting her will just think she's too stupid to drive if we fail her during her driving tests and seeing as nobody cares about her- IT WON'T MATTER!" at least in boston, concord, or new york they have ACCESSIBLE transit systems which are more available- so i won't be kept in my apartment like a hermit because of my problems with the transportation. i must've passed that stupid driving knowledge test AT LEAST FIVE times in my life and people STILL ignore that because thinking i'm an idiot who can't drive makes more sense to them and helps them take advantage of my lack of advocacy.
i was thinking lately about how my grandma attempted to claim that i "changed" all the time. i'm not exactly sure what "changed" about me, so i've been thinking it was probably her attempt to get me to act obedient to how she wanted me to act, so i'd make her think i didn't change. problem is- i didn't really think much about her accusing me of "changing", i thought that she was just being paranoid and taking it out on me (which also could have been the case). although i'm kinda leaning toward the first possibility because at least that way she'd actually intend on seeing changes in behavior from me. she probably figured that's what she'd do if someone told her that she "changed" since she swore we were so much alike all the time. the difference between us was that she seemed to actually care what people thought of her and i gave that up a LONG time ago. so i probably disappointed her and that's also why she always sounded so depressed on the phone when i'd talk to her towards the end of her life. i wasn't about to change my behavior for someone's approval- family or not because it's not like i was physically harming anyone.

occupation choices..

i was thinking.. and it feels like i've thought about this before- i wonder if maybe my grandma wanted me to work a home data entry job to avoid shit that happened to me yesterday with transportation (which i'm not even sure they'll still wanna hire me because of my transportation and they don't know if they could rely on me to work if my transportation didn't come and/or i have to reschedule the ride for a later time again). then i also remember the most probable reason why she tried to make a home data entry job look more appealing to me- my grandma was a very nervous woman who was more than likely on a lot of anxiety meds and she was more than likely trying to protect me from anyone who would give me a bad time. i had thought that was the correct direction to go when looking for occupations until i actually put myself out there and volunteered for different things. i enjoyed interacting with people and it wasn't as boring as just working with a keyboard in front of a monitor, day after day without any communication or interaction with anyone. it was probably better for my mental health too because i wasn't just left alone to think negative thoughts and/or about things that were going wrong for me that just thinking about them wouldn't make things better- so it basically distracted me from reality. i remember asking my grandma probably close to 20 years ago about what she thought about being a receptionist. she scoffed and said, "OH! THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE ON THE PHONE AND NOT EVERYONE IS HAPPY ALL THE TIME! YOU DON'T WANNA DEAL WITH MAD PEOPLE ALL THE TIME! NO.." my grandma was also a pretty controlling person. i think that's probably why i don't think i was actually employed while she was alive, but she always said how she wanted someone to help me get a job. i just stopped and thought to myself, "i let her influence my life so much when it was MY life- NOT hers." what did letting her direct my life get me? unemployed and depressed (although i have to thank my mom for the PTSD diagnosis that the psychologist gave to me). i thought family was supposed to help and care for a person to actually support them to be truly helpful and satisfied with their lives. my family reads my blog because they're nosey and anxious to read something they did which actually benefited me and so they have something to talk and laugh about with each other. proof that they don't ACTUALLY care enough to REALLY know me. (with exception to my cousin joe and my brother jay) which is MORE than likely not many of them read my blog anymore because I'M NOT GONNA LIE ON MY BLOG. find someone else to traumatize and stalk which you can act like they're stools to step on to help elevate you in life because you're NOT gonna get that bullshit here.
i just went to the bathroom and i wondered if there's anything i can be grateful for in my situation. the ONLY thing i can honestly come up with is at least i'm NOT still mindlessly hauling my ass to courage kenny getting NOTHING done with my life because i don't have CARING advocacy who is more concerned about my PROGRESSION in life. i'm actually volunteering and applying to jobs, going to interviews and actually TRYING to make something of my life.

not having reliable transportation makes me look bad again.

so the ics worker came over to my place and at first she had planned on telling fredrick that he HAD to bring me to the interview, he explained that he didn't think his car was in the condition to take me to the interview (he wasn't sure it'd make it there). then vicki must've called her and told her that she should see what's wrong with my lyft account. so we tried to use the app and it kept telling me that the card i used wasn't valid or something like that- so she called the number on the back of my card to find out if i spent too much money- like fredrick CLAIMED the problem probably was but.. oh! as soon as she found the balance being $5000 some dollars- they realized that wasn't the problem. then she called the bank to ask them about if they knew the problem and they said there was a block on my card and i was supposed to check my text messages to take the block off. so i checked my text messages and the block was off, although that was AFTER i had rescheduled the interview (luckily it was the same day we rescheduled it for), i used the lyft app to get to my interview at the rescheduled time. then i explained to the lady who was interviewing me what the problem with my transportation was and why i had to reschedule the interview. i HOPE she understood- it didn't seem like she held my tardiness against me but i'm not really a wise judge of character. she asked me, "so is there anything else you'd like to tell me?" and i honestly couldn't think of anything i didn't say in the first interview with another lady, so i said, "uh.. nope." then she told me that she'd call me on monday to tell me if i got the job. i'm not sure if i forgot to do or say anything- i feel like i probably did. and usually when you're interviewing, you want to make yourself stand out and be memorable which i'm not sure i did. so i don't really know.. i know i didn't say something wrong like usual but like i said- i don't really remember saying or doing anything prominent that she'd remember me and i also had to reschedule the interview- which could be looked at as "tardy" and she might have thought that there's a possibility that i wouldn't be reliable or dependable for the job because of the issue i had with lyft and i'm not sure if she gave me points for still showing up at the interview even when i had bad transportation. hopefully it shows my persistence.. i don't really know though. the way things usually go for me- i'm not sure i can count on getting employed at this job for sure being realistic though.
i was thinking about exactly why amanda is obviously looking over the time i ALREADY spent at courage kenny- the only thing i can think of is because her sister-in-law probably told her that i had to be a client of courage kenny in order for her to help me get my driver's license again.. this may be realistic to a naive, overconfident person because i must admit- i fell for the SAME damn LIE at LEAST two or three times when i wasted my time there in the past. i EVEN specified getting my driver's license again in my "goals" book that they have you fill out when you're first joining that overrated waste of space. i don't have advocacy to jerk them off, so they felt like they could lie to me over and over and FAIL me every fuckin time i took that damn behind-the-wheel test at that waste of space. "needs more therapy" MY ASS. that's the bullshit they'd comment after every fucking behind-the-wheel test. MORE LIKE "NEEDS ADVOCACY AND PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT HER". i took the damn written knowledge permit test and got my permit and the therapist who usually worked with me in the fitness center asked me surprised how i got my permit and i said, "i went to burnsville city hall and took the written test and passed. it wasn't that hard." then he just said, "oh." when i used to live at the apartment i lived at before this one on marshall ave- THERE WAS A MAN WHO DIDN'T HAVE LEGS THAT HAD HIS LICENSE. james also got his license from courage kenny- however he DIDN'T have to go to that fuckin waste of space, he worked a job during the day.. why did they give him his license you're wondering? HIS PARENTS ACTUALLY CARE about him to advocate for him to be truly successful and able in life. james is also wheelchair bound and he can't walk at all. must be nice having a family that ACTUALLY CARES about you. if i see him again, i'll have to ask him how that is.

NEED A RIDE!

so i got ready for my interview and i was gonna call lyft and then it gives me some error saying that my card payment isn't valid. so i called the # on my card and it told me i had $5000 some dollars in my account- so it's not that i didn't have enough funds. the ics worker came over to my apartment and assisted me in calling the back of the card again, then the bank, we figured out there was a block on it because i didn't authorize a payment for one of my amazon purchases. i called the place i'm interviewing at and rescheduled the interview at 2 today. i just hope they don't give me a "slap on the wrist" for having to reschedule and i'm pretty sure i told them that it was because i needed to get my lyft app straightened out. so then i authorized the payment and i HOPE it'll work now when i call a ride in like 10 minutes because i don't wanna be late again and it takes about 30 minutes to get there. i just hope they don't think i'm disorganized and unprepared so that makes me unreliable.. IF i had my OWN vehicle and DRIVER'S LICENSE- I WOULDN'T HAVE PROBLEMS WITH THIS SHIT. ONE THING- IN ORDER TO GO TO COURAGE KENNY, I ALSO HAVE TO HAVE LYFT FOR TRANSPORTATION.. SO I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO WASTE MY TIME AT THAT SHIT EITHER. NO ONE GIVES A FUCK THOUGH! STACY IS MENTALLY HANDICAPPED! HER PLACE IS AT HOME.. RIGHT AMANDA AND MOM?! get bent. unsupportive pricks.

a few thoughts.. can't rise to a place that no one else can reach because of jealousy and they say it's "inconvenient" to them when they haven't done anything to help me get there.

i've been looking at the "traffic" on my blog lately and it was JUST as i expected- once i blocked my mom on facebook so she couldn't see my profile and blog link.. my traffic MYSTERIOUSLY went DOWN. if she really cared about me- she'd remember the url to my blog off the top of her head ESPECIALLY since she views it so much a day. 5 views on sunday.. 3 views on saturday.. and a hell of a lot more views BEFORE that. misery loves company. she's anxious to see someone who came from the same place she did doing just as bad as her and she's looking to be inspired (because she's a sad, ignorant little woman). i told my psychologist that one of my biggest fears was to turn out EXACTLY like she is. my psychologist disregarded it immediately, trying to reassure me that i'm NOTHING like my mom. she said that i actually work jobs and put myself out there. she said that anytime i have bad thoughts about becoming like my mom- i was supposed to picture putting the thoughts in a briefcase and shoving the briefcase on the back of the highest shelf in my closet- outta sight, outta mind. i'm not her or my fat sister's form of entertainment and/or amusement. i was thinking about this and i honestly think my mom is partially to blame for me running off to new york and getting in a car accident. i was using the stupid excuse of confidence i got from her to motivate me to take the opportunity to run off without telling anyone. i also more than likely felt like it's not like i had much to lose if anything bad happened- seeing as my mom shows absolutely NO concern about me if it doesn't have to do with her selfish ass. same goes for the rest of my family except joe and jay.
i really hope i get the job tomorrow. i hope i'm not forgetting anything- i'm gonna have ics assist me to make sure i'm prepared for the interview tomorrow. i think back to the last job i was working at the hotel and just going in for training and i ended up quitting because the guy who was training me complained to some women that worked at the hotel also about how he didn't see how the supervisor expected him to train me because "look at her." so i'm guessing he's referring to the fact i use a cane to walk because i don't see anything else that would prevent me from working adequately. i wonder if i should've told his supervisor about that comment instead of quitting but i didn't really like the fact that another worker was talking about the worker he was training in and felt comfortable enough to basically insult me before really seeing what i can and can't do.
then i always think about how a lady who works at sabathani community center called me and asked me if i took any aptitude or skills tests to see my strengths at working. i KNOW i've taken tests like this before and i told my job coach and she killed the idea and said, "i'd have to have you sign a release of information and talk to my supervisor." then i said, "fine. i'll sign a release of information." and i called her supervisor at least TWICE and left him voicemails about this and got ZERO responses. i don't really understand the fuckin point of volunteering for a place if there's no promotion to the job and i'm not getting ANYTHING whatsoever besides experience from the job. i have a feeling that the lady from sabathani spoke to her supervisor and he seen how well i work first hand experience and told her to contact me to see if they can move me to another more hands-on position because the supervisor has actually seen me working first hand experience a few times at the front desk. however- I'M NOT GONNA GET ANYWHERE WITH SAD EXCUSES OF EMPLOYMENT COACHES LIKE THIS. people wonder why i'm so pissed off with things at times. i can't do ANYTHING with my fuckin life that actually makes me look like an actual SUCCESSFUL person. i get held back from excelling to a place I want because it's inconvenient for others or because they don't think i should get opportunities if they don't (even if I AM the one doing all the work).

cero dinero.

well.. shit. i just attempted to use my debit card to pay for my lyft ride to my hair appointment and it kept saying my card wasn't valid. so i'm thinking i went over my monthly limit and it's not working anymore. so i don't know how the hell i'll get to my appointment.. i called the salon to cancel my appointment and the lady said, "well- we're gonna have to charge you anyway because you didn't give a 24 hour notice." and i said, "okay." while i was thinking, "you can try but i'm not sure they'll even give YOU money.." so whatever. i kinda figured that shit would happen to me because i'm sure it happened to me before. ah well.. i'll just have to wait to get my hair foiled until i ACTUALLY have dinero.

AI STACY?!

i was thinking about the lack of care and respect i'm receiving from my mom and amanda.. probably the rest of my family with exception to joe and jay. amanda seems to think she can be considered "supportive" doing the LEAST she can do and just encouraging me to go BACK to courage kenny where they DON'T help me with shit JUST because her sister-in-law is a physical therapist at courage kenny. SHE NEVER GAVE A FUCK WHEN I WAS ATTENDING THAT OVERRATED EXCUSE OF A "REHABILITATION CENTER". does she think my videos of me walking which i put on facebook were AI generated or something? an AI stacy! everyone's worst nightmare. courage kenny DIDN'T help me with anything but giving me a place to practice walking. i never used any of their useless machines that my living room wall could operate. i also walked in their pool.. so like i said- they gave me a safe place to walk. the main reason behind my walking was tram holloway's arp therapy. my grandma seen how frustrated i was getting with courage kenny refusing to help me get better because they'd underestimate my potential so they could get me to think i still needed their help in therapy so they could get money doing absolutely NOTHING. i can't remember how many nights i'd cry to my grandma on the phone about courage kenny wasting my life and i could be other places actually making a life for myself. she'd just dismiss the complaints and say, "WHEN I DIE- AMANDA WILL HAVE YOU IN NEW YORK! NO MORE COURAGE KENNY!" my grandma died over 10 fuckin years ago- I'M STILL IN MINNESOTA! so my grandma went out and found tram holloway to ACTUALLY get RESULTS. my grandma made me promise that i'd wait for amanda to assist me in moving to new york because i'm sure she thought i'd get into an accident or some other fatal way in order to get there JUST like last time i went to new york on my own. so amanda is pretty much the barrier here. that and my naive careless grandma. YOU LIKE THAT AMANDA? I'M INSULTING MY OWN GRANDMA BECAUSE OF YOU. maybe one day you'll lose your sense of entitlement and actually CARE for someone other than yourself. i blocked my mom on facebook to see if my traffic views for my blog would decrease and they decreased dramatically. so my mom and/or sister didn't fuckin care about me enough to know the url of my blog- which they viewed at least 15 times a day or they just carelessly depended on my facebook profile which has the url to my blog on it because they're nosey bums. i'm pretty sure family is supposed to be SUPPORTIVE and not jealous, nosey headcases which don't wanna see someone who came from the same place as them do worse or the same in life. someone needs God. and i'm not talking about that phony shit wearing crosses so people assume you're Christian like my mom does. it's gonna take more than that to get your selfish, nosey ass into heaven. i have an appointment to get my hair foiled this afternoon at the salon. the stylist i had which dyed my hair like a week or two ago told me to make an appointment with her in two weeks for a foil but i forgot the name of the stylist. i suppose it doesn't matter.

don't wake the monster.

i was speaking to one of my friends yesterday and he said that i surprised him a long time ago when i was with him and i said that he had a big.. while he was telling me this, he was like, "you were this nice girl that i just helped in summit and you're talking about how you knew i had a big.." i read when he said that and i thought, "haha this sounds a little demanding but i wouldn't put it past me to say something like this.." so needless to say- i didn't doubt that i said that. it surprises me when i look back at things i've done and it's so crazy but i don't doubt it. i must have this calm composure that surprises people.. it's funny because things seem so crazy but i can't NOT imagine myself doing certain things i've been told i did. i don't seem like the kind of person to say/do half the shit i do.. it surprises me also when i think about it. kinda like "you woke the monster.. WATCH OUT." kinda thing because it's so unpredictable.

ANOTHER *common* BARRIER to living successfully and happy.

i told my psychologist about being tired lately and how i have an interview on friday that i don't wanna be tired for because i haven't had any concerta in probably around two weeks. my psychologist told me i should call my doctor and request another prescription since the only way i'm able to pick up my concerta is with an ID because it's a controlled substance and a doctor is supposed to call a new prescription when i don't have any which is the case now. i called my nurse that fills my anodyne machine and asked her about the concerta and said i needed to have some by friday because i have another interview then. the nurse returned my call like 20 minutes ago and told me that the prescription is sitting at the pharmacy waiting to be picked up and she wrote a note for me to go pick up the meds the last time she was here. so i asked fredrick if he could bring me tomorrow since i'm apparently unable to drive myself and i don't have the benefit of actually having someone who ACTUALLY cares about me enough to advocate for me to get my driver's license again. whatever. doesn't concern my supposed "loved" ones. IT'S JUST NOT CONVENIENT FOR THEM! I GOT THIS! *ROLLS EYES*

SOMEONE *WILL* PAY ME.

you know what? i'm more than positive that BOTH my trustee and payee are fuckin me over. why do i say that? when brian USED to be my trustee- he ALWAYS made sure i got my renters rebate and tax refund. *GASP* i HAVEN'T received one since he stopped working with me.. which has been a year or two i think. just more proof of how shitty jobs WOMEN do compared to men. i remember douglas asked me if i got my renters refund check a while ago and i just said, "no, my payee said she's working on it." and the jackass NEVER ended up sending it to me- SAME WITH AMY'S SMART ASS. i WILL contact the irs MYSELF and report this shit in if i don't get the money that is owed to ME. got it, bitches? since i can't take a shit without people talking about it- i know this shit will get back to them. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. DO YOUR FUCKING JOBS CORRECTLY. "we just won't give stacy this money because then it'll look like we're actually doing our jobs and we can spend this money along with amanda! we'll give her a cut so she doesn't say anything since stacy IS mentally handicapped!" FUCK YOU ALL. I DIDN'T GO THROUGH ALL THE SHIT I DID IN LIFE SO PEOPLE CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME AND TREAT ME LIKE A DAMN IDIOT.