gotta keep busy.

i got up for the day and went to a job interview in the morning at a hotel. like i said- ALL hotels look familiar, so i couldn't tell from memory if i interviewed there before. i don't remember interviewing with either of the people who sat and interviewed with me either. the main guy was really nice, he recognized sabathani community center right away when he looked at my resume and said him and his family had to go there a few times in the past. then after the interview, i came home and had a session with my therapist right away. it's nice to have someone to vent to. things would be a lot more difficult in life if i wasn't seeing her. then i ate and now i'm going to volunteer at sabathani for a while. i told my therapist how i tried to keep myself busy, so i didn't have time to think about bad things in my life. she said that a lot of people have the problem of getting depressed when they don't have things to do. i'm not sure a lot of people tend to get in trouble like i do when i'm bored though. so it's best that i'm always busy. my mind when it's idle IS the devil's playground. the ics worker assisted me in filling out an application for this apartment in massachusetts. all i need is my trust #.. then i want to send it back as soon as possible because i have a feeling this apartment might be the one to house me- since it said in the letter that i was nearing the top of the waiting list if they request this information.

MOVIN TO *CLEAN* PLACES!

i had my ics session today and i remember how i said i'd contact the apartment that i got the recent letter request for accomodations doctor's letter from but then i also just remembered how it's labor day and nobody was probably in the office. the ics worker asked me curiously if i preferred boston or new york.. i said almost immediately, "well.. boston is MUCH more CLEANER.. the people in new york seem to think it's their jobs to have an attitude- so boston has nicer people also. it's much more PROFESSIONAL." then the ics worker said, "oh! yeah! i remember it was really clean when i went there before also!" i think that MAY explain partially why they have high taxes there. the money may pay to help the environment stay clean? after he agreed with me that the environment was clean, i said, "I FELT SO AFRAID TO LITTER OR DROP GARBAGE BY ACCIDENT BECAUSE IT WOULD'VE BEEN SO OBVIOUS I DID IT BECAUSE IT'S SO CLEAN THERE!" i'm sure they also don't have many egotistical racist hicks there. kinda explains why grump doesn't do well in polls there also. it kinda irritates and amazes me how people assume i'll change my mind about wanting to live EAST rather than waste my life in this opportunity-less boring ass state if they show any objection to me wanting to live in another place besides what they're used to. like they assume i don't have an opinion, experiences here and where i'm looking to live.. like they don't respect MY GOALS to be my own person. like they assume i'm just saying it for fun and i don't really know/care where i live. LET ME REMIND YOU IDIOTS- I ALMOST DIED TRYING TO ESCAPE THIS NARCISSISM/SELFISH ASS MOM WHO NEVER SHOULD'VE REPRODUCED IN THE FIRST PLACE. I KNOW WHAT I WANT. I KNOW WHAT I'M CAPABLE OF. NO ONE FEELS LIKE THEY SHOULD BOTHER GIVING ME THE CHANCE HALF THE DAMN TIME. I'VE WENT THROUGH THIS SHIT MY WHOLE LIFE. probably because people assumed i'm mentally disabled because my mom is (she's really not- she's just lazy and she CAN read- so get that illiterate bullshit outta your head). i get shit on for attempting to ACTUALLY make something of myself. the only person who ever really had confidence in me is dead. i remember those dicks at school tried telling my grandma that i was mentally disabled when she was trying to enroll me in kindergarden. she didn't listen to them and worked with me using hooked-on-phonics nearly every night and i was honestly able to read easy books at like the 1st and 2nd grade. i ended up graduating with HONORS from high school with goals to become a doctor but after i got into a car accident- i had to give up on the doctor goal because med school would've taken way too long for me to go through when i was busy trying to walk again. i think i got my hard head from my grandma because after the renowned dr. schuh asked me why i wanted a prescription to go to the courage center back when i was in a wheelchair, i said to him, "i wanna walk again." and he tried to explain to me that some people can't walk and are handicapped their whole lives or some bullshit (i honestly don't remember because i didn't care enough to understand what some guy who was only interested in getting more money off me being disabled and vulnerable). so i came home and told my grandma what he said on the phone, she went and found tram holloway who hooked his ARP machine plugs to my body and turned up the machine gradually at my apartment (i forget for how long he seen me). i eventually felt strong enough to walk in courage kenny without a wheelchair or walker and was immediately discouraged from kevin (a physical therapist who is also only interested in taking advantage of my vulnerability and lack of knowledgable advocacy) about walking. just who the fuck hires these shisters? it's your damn job to help people get as strong as they can and i put that i wanted to walk again and get my driver's license again in my goal book when i was wasting my time at the courage center. it's like that's guidance for them to know what to steer me away from because i remember seeing paraplegics who depended on wheelchairs and couldn't bare any weight getting their driver's licenses and vehicles they could drive because they have something i lack (and always have lacked)- KNOWLEDGABLE ADVOCACY. all the stuff i wrote about today should describe most of the TRAUMATIZING experiences i've been through in my life- INCLUDING BEING UNDERESTIMATED AND TOLD I CAN'T DO CERTAIN THINGS JUST TO KEEP OTHER USELESS EXCUSES OF FACILITIES RUNNING. i can't live an ACTUAL LIFE without rehabilitation because I'M MENTALLY DISABLED ACCORDING TO AMANDA AND ALL THOSE OTHER CARELESS IGNORANT FUCKS. i remember amanda telling me when i was living in burnsville when my grandma just died about how i'd end up hating her because of all the hard work she'd have me doing.. WHEN DOES THAT "HARD WORK" START?! you have the first part right but it's not because of "all the hard work" she has me doing. "HARDWORK"? MINDLESSLY HAULING MY ASS TO COURAGE KENNY IS APPARENTLY "HARD WORK" NOW! YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVEN'T BEEN THERE BEFORE. MY GRANDMA CLAIMED "NO MORE COURAGE KENNY WHEN I'M DEAD! AMANDA WILL HAVE YOU IN NEW YORK!" she meant well but she was aware that she was getting old and naive and didn't know the proper resources.. she NAIVELY had confidence in amanda to help me get where I want since this is MY LIFE. she was aware that my mom wasn't able to support me pragmatically. she didn't want to see what would happen if i was stranded in this particular location (she basically knew i wouldn't survive HERE more than likely by choice). i honestly can't remember how many times she used to say to me, "YOU BELONG IN NEW YORK." *crickets* she was obviously mistaken because she put her confidence in someone who DOESN'T CARE TO HELP ME GET TO A PLACE WHERE I'LL BE TRULY HAPPY AND CONSTRUCTIVE BECAUSE IT'D TAKE TOO MUCH WORK AND TIME TO HELP ME GET THERE!.. besides- i really don't think she knows HOW because if it were something she could do- she wouldn't have hesitated this long in order to help me get there (she still hasn't). you aren't getting ANY credit from me for doing ANYTHING for me anymore because if i did give you credit- I'D BE LYING! and i'm trying not to lie anymore.. it got me in enough trouble.
besides- i'm pretty sure i remember reading somewhere online about how people with traumatic brain injuries experience PTSD because of the LACK of support they receive AFTER the accidents they're in.

go get your miserable company elsewhere.

when i was listening to the breakfast club this morning, dj envy made a comment about how he encourages his kids to go for their goals and dreams because he's satisfied with his life. that would probably explain why he has a daughter who excelled to go to nyu. i always had this suspicion that was my mom's problem and misery loves company- so she clings to what's familiar to her so she can feel fulfilled. YES- I DO BELIEVE MY MOM IS THAT SELFISH. she proved her lack of care for me when she used my body as a shield to nonchalantly block my dad's kicks. that's not something a person can forget- when their OWN mom holds them in front of their dad to block his kicks.. i was even involved in a car accident and suffered a TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY (which DOES affect memory) and *GASP* i STILL remembered it! her flying monkeys can try to deny it but the TWO surgeries i've had to have on my bowel prove otherwise. after my surgery on my blocked bowel, i went to my computer to look on google to see what causes blocked bowels. it said that prior trauma to the abdomen area could cause a bowel to get blocked.. OR MAYBE IT WAS THE SURGERY ON MY PERFORRATED BOWEL WHICH I HAD WHEN I WAS 7 AFTER MY MOM USED ME AS A SHIELD WHEN MY DAD WAS KICKING HER THAT CAUSED IT?! i was just sitting at my computer, not turning, not getting kicked after my narcissistic selfish ass mom used me to block being kicked by my dad.. i don't understand exactly why she has the desire to cling to me- i'm not her favorite child (my sister), i've never found anything in common with her (interests), and i've always kept my distance from her whenever possible. clingyness is NOT support, idiot. it's a disrespectful attachment to something. don't think i won't hesitate to send your crazy ass away when everyone else refuses to take care of you. i'm sure that's why people have the hopes that i'll be empathetic to her and take care of her when she can't take care of herself. people also seem to ignore the fact that i can BARELY take care of myself. no way am i taking care of some selfish bum who's responsible for at least two of my bowel surgeries and immense abdomen pain. i'll never forget that and you'll just be disappointed when you don't see my presence ANYWHERE near you. go take care of your dogs and cling to them. if her stupid flying monkeys care to ignore any of this- ask yourselves HONESTLY how you would feel if YOUR MOM used YOU as a shield when getting kicked by your dad and then expecting you to throw EVERYTHING YOU'VE BUSTED YOUR ASS OFF TO GET IN LIFE JUST TO BE HER SLAVE OR A MINI-HER (since i read that's the goals of narcissistic moms- to turn their daughters into versions of them)? you're full of shit if you say you'd be alright with it since my mom took care of me after the car accident that i was in.. SHE ONLY TOOK CARE OF ME BECAUSE GRANDMA MADE HER. I REMEMBER HEARING GRANDMA BLACKMAIL MOM INTO TAKING CARE OF HER OWN FUCKING DAUGHTER ON THE PHONE MANY TIMES. I ALSO REMEMBER MY MOM WHINING TO MY GRANDMA ABOUT HAVING TO STAY HOME FROM PLAYING POOL AT THE BAR TO TAKE CARE OF ME. SHE TRIED LEAVING ME ALONE WHEN I WAS WHEELCHAIR DEPENDANT AND I TOLD MY GRANDMA- SO THEN MY GRANDMA CAME INTO TOWN TO SIT WITH ME WHILE THE MOTHER FROM HELL WENT TO THE BAR. i've lived at courage center's courage residence for almost a year before i moved into my first apartment in minneapolis. PEOPLE REFUSE TO GIVE ME CREDIT FOR ANY OF THE HARD WORK I'VE DONE- THEY JUST ASSUME THAT I'M AN IDIOT WHO WILL APPRECIATE PEOPLE DOING EVERYTHING FOR ME. so amanda.. if you really cared about me and had any respect for me. you'd realize the HARD WORK i've ALREADY done and not try to keep me there just because it makes you look good to your kewliez physical therapist in-law at courage kenny. I'M NOT GOING BACK IN MY REHABILITATION/LIFE PROGRESS FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE JUST SO YOU'LL PAY ATTENTION TO ME BECAUSE I REALIZE IT'S NOT ALWAYS CONVENIENT FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE YOUR LIFE TOO. WELL- *GASP* SO DO I! i graduated from high school WITH HONORS and i attended 3 colleges, taking classes at all of them and over half the damn time i was in a wheelchair (in high school mainly- 11th and 12th grades). stop wasting your time trying to take me back in my progress because you aren't getting thanked for shit. i know when someone actually cares about me and when someone cares for me ONLY AT THEIR CONVENIENCE (which really isn't care). just because you seem to think i'll be just like my mom being pushed around to do whatever other people want does NOT mean i will be. if you think i'm anything like my mom- you can go screw yourself.

hopefully this is promising.

GOOD NEWS! i got a request for more information (reasons why i requested accomodations- so i gotta have my doctor fill out another form or write a letter stating why the accomodations would assist me to live more successfully) from the apartment i just applied to in massachusetts and it says the reason why i'm receiving the letter is because my name reached the top of their waiting list.. so hopefully- NOT LONG! the ics worker said they'd help me fill it out during my session tomorrow. i just had a brief moment where i paniced because i thought the ics appointment time might be the same time as my next job interview, then i remembered it's labor day and i actually have the interview on TUESDAY. i also looked on my old wall calendar pages to see if i already interviewed at this hotel and i interviewed with a hotel with the same name in july (although, i'm pretty sure it's a different city because the addresses were different). so that explains why i thought i may have interviewed there before.

still workin at it..

in my ics session today, i told the ics worker that i wanted to make a notebook to keep track of my job interviews, so i'm more consistent in actually getting back to the employer. she helped me to write out all the information in a spare notebook i found by my desk. i said to her, "i hope this ACTUALLY helps me get a job sooner!" then she reassured me that it would because i schedule the interviews and go to them and it'll help me stay more organized. i feel like i've already interviewed at this next interview but i ALWAYS get that feeling and i thought that showing up at the hotel would help me recognize if the place was familiar until the realization that almost ALL the hotels look SIMILAR.. so needless to say- looking at the hotel itself didn't help. i suppose i could look back at my previous months on my calendar to see if i wrote the place on there before. i don't believe i'm going crazy for thinking i've already interviewed at the place because i HAVE ran into people who interviewed me saying to me, "have we interviewed before? you look familiar.." i hope it was a good memory.. heh. obviously not good enough to hire me/make me an employee though. i suppose it's a good thing i have a bad memory sometimes from my TBI because i might feel a little more frustrated and discouraged if i actually remembered how many times i've interviewed without getting hired yet. i just don't think about it, so i don't get frustrated, so it doesn't affect me during the interview itself. i'm convinced that my brain injury doesn't make me look more qualified- if anything (even if it IS ILLEGAL) it makes employers discriminate against me. if i talk to someone from the state and i get solid proof there's discrimination- you better believe i'm gonna tell them EVERYTHING. i've been working for years to get hired for a job- i even have a job coach which i've had for at least 20 years i think. i've attended colleges and had previous jobs.. so there really isn't any reason why they shouldn't hire me, other than finding someone more qualified.. which can't always be the case. i'm pretty sure that even felons have an easier time at finding a job than i do. the driver of my accident doesn't seem to be lacking work experience. just proof that i don't just sit around, doing nothing while having the easy life- like his mom and sister assume. MAYBE IF I WASN'T FUCKIN WALKING AROUND WITH A DAMN CANE I'D BE ABLE TO ACTUALLY FIND A JOB?! them assholes can't say that i'm not trying to be a valuable working part of society. i'm sorry that my daddy isn't rich and i wasn't spoon-fed with a fucking silver spoon. no.. instead, my daddy is dead from a drug trading incident on the border with the cartels! he didn't leave me ANYTHING but was partly responsible for the two surgery scars i have on my abdomen (can't forget about the narcissistic bum of a mom who shouldn't have even brought me into the quarrel between her and my dad- she should've been doing EVERYTHING she could to REMOVE me from the situation, not hold me up as a damn shield when being kicked). but no.. like cathy says- I'M UNGRATEFUL. i should be grateful for having parents who clearly didn't give a FUCK about me and my mom STILL doesn't (except for when it's beneficial and convenient for her!). DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER. you act like you're so damn smart to say SHIT like that when your son almost killed me. GO BACK TO CHURCH. you and your smart ass daughter might learn something. "you shouldn't have got into the car with him." SINCE WHEN AM I A PSYCHIC?! i didn't have any other ride and i KNOW my grandpa would've been pissed if i called him from new york, asking for a RIDE HOME. i admit- i was a dumb punk kid but IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO. if your damn son wouldn't have been drinking that night- I WOULDN'T HAVE A TBI. it's ridiculous that I get shit on for NOT DRINKING or DRIVING in the accident and simply surviving from the family of a man who nearly killed me.. SIX MONTHS IN A COMA, AT LEAST 15 YEARS WHEELCHAIR DEPENDANT (FOR MY FAMILY'S CONVENIENCE SO THEY COULD GET SYMPATHY), probably hundreds of shots of botox and a bunch of surgeries just so i could WALK and TALK. BUT YEAH! LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW I'M "UNGRATEFUL"! more like your parenting skills and how your son was raised to think it was appropriate to drink and drive are FUCKED UP. i realize that we were both young punks and shit happens- I DON'T NEED TO BE SENT SCRIPTURES ON FORGIVENESS. "YOU SHOULD GET OUT THERE AND WORK! OR YOU SHOULD BE DEPORTED." i'm sure that's what tim's smart ass sister is talking about with her kewliez sister-in-law. my grandpa SERVED in the navy for a long time, that's more than you probably can admit to. i know you like to think your shit don't stank but lean a little bit closer- roses really smell like poo.

STOP WITH THE BULLSHIT.

alright.. i don't really understand how my family (except joe and jay) expect me to think they care and love for me if they don't show support and/or care for me JUST because i don't share the same goals/interests as them. for example- if it's not white, it's not right to them and ANYTHING ELSE is out of the question and they don't find the need to show care for me (either by ignoring me and not supporting me) or mocking/making fun of me BEHIND MY BACK OF COURSE (like amanda and dustin felt the need to do). then i got those naive people who assume that i'll start acting like they'll convince me to act like they want if they tell me i've "changed".. i've CHANGED? GREAT! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CHANGE IF YOU WANNA GET ANYTHING DONE. you don't like it? don't whine and lie to everyone how much you "support" me and just remove me COMPLETELY from your life without ever mentioning me or attempting to change how i think because you don't value who i am- so you assume i'm confused or brain injured- so i don't know what i'm doing. YOU COULDN'T FUCKIN TIE MY SHOES. i've been through MORE shit than you could take or even believe. like i said- the ONLY people who seem to truly love and care for me are joe and jay. loving and caring for me doesn't include stalking me and acting like you talk to me all the time just because i can't take a shit without you reading and talking about it, mom and amy (my sister). you really care for me? mind your business and let me live my life. i've managed to get myself this far and i have absolutely no plans to just stop here, hop in a wheelchair, and mindlessly attend courage kenny (where they DON'T respect me- they underestimate me, so they can continue getting money "helping" me stay IN THE SAME FUCKIN PLACE IN LIFE- HAVING ABSOLUTELY NO PROGRESSION BECAUSE I LACK CARING, KNOWLEDGABLE ADVOCACY WHO WILL JERK THEM OFF AND MAKE SURE I'M ACTUALLY PROGRESSING AND GETTING STRONGER, SO I DON'T LET MY DISABILITY STOP ME FROM LIVING MY LIFE SUCCESSFULLY). i wasted at least 10 years doing that shit- only for them to ignore my progress and even presence at their sorry excuse of a "rehabilitation" facility. i owe ALL my progress to tram holloway, who had the confidence in me to help me get outta my wheelchair- i remember him telling my grandma one day when he was at my apartment in burnsville, helping me with his ARP therapy that he'd have me outta my wheelchair. my grandma laughed sarcastically at him. he helped me get strong enough so i didn't feel a need for my wheelchair and i showed up at the fitness center at courage kenny and the physical therapist there (kevin) told me not to come back to courage kenny without my walker or wheelchair because of "liability". THAT DEFEATS THE PURPOSE OF EVEN HELPING A FUCKIN CLIENT WALK AGAIN. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT SHIT. KEVIN AND ALL THE OTHER SORRY EXCUSE OF THERAPISTS WHO PREY ON CLIENTS WHO LACK KNOWLEDGABLE ADVOCACY CAN KISS MY ASS. THAT GOES FOR YOU TOO AMANDA. YOU DON'T REALLY FUCKING CARE ABOUT ME. YOU JUST ALL OF A SUDDEN LEARN THAT YOUR SISTER-IN-LAW IS A PHYSICAL THERAPIST FOR COURAGE KENNY AND ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU'RE SUPPORTIVE OF ME WASTING MY FUCKING LIFE AND THROWING AWAY EVERYTHING I'VE BUSTED MY ASS TO GET JUST TO MAKE YOU LOOK "SUPPORTIVE" OR "CARING" OR WTF BULLSHIT YOU AND MY MOM TRY TO MAKE YOURSELVES APPEAR. tell me something- WHERE WAS ALL THIS "SUPPORT" WHEN I WAS ACTUALLY FUCKIN ATTENDING THAT DUMP WHEN MY GRANDMA WAS ALIVE?! you can't pull me BACK in my progression in life FOR YOUR FUCKING CONVENIENCE. LIFE DON'T WORK LIKE THAT. I DON'T CARE HOW STUPID AND DISABLED YOU THINK I AM BECAUSE OF MY TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY. GO TREAT YOUR OWN DAMN KIDS THAT WAY. WHAT'S THAT? YOU HAVE MORE RESPECT FOR THEM THAN ME? yeah. that's what i thought. "well what does she want us to do?!" IN CASE YOUR EGO IS TOO DAMN BIG TO SEE THAT I WANT YOU TO TREAT ME AS A NORMAL PERSON AND CARE FOR ME LIKE A FUCKING FAMILY MEMBER. (supporting MY goals and interests and RESPECTING ME)

what's the point of this?

i was thinking and i don't really understand the EXACT purpose of my family's attempt to not support me of MY goals.. no one clearly gives a fuck about me to make my family appear "caring" and "supportive" or wtf bullshit they're aiming for (i'm thinking they're gonna try to get as much money out of my trust as possible.. my grandma probably enticed amanda into agreeing to "advocate" for me because when something happens to me- SHE'LL GET ALL MY MONEY! *rolls eyes* what she failed to predict was that i paid for a will saying everything goes to jay when i die). people assume i'm stupider and more incompetent than i REALLY am. i'll let them think whatever the hell they want because i'm not the idiot depending on getting money from me when something happens to me. i don't have any fatal illnesses or terminal diseases that would kill me yet. BUT PUT ALL THE BETS YOU WANT ON MY LIFE! IF anyone REALLY cared about my well-being- they'd be doing everything they could to see that i was successful at independently and responsibly living life the way I want because this is MY life. i just hope housing comes along faster now that i added another possibility which has shown it will give me more opportunities and hopefully sooner. my mom obviously doesn't give a damn about me- to put your own daughter in front of you when being kicked by the other parent.. what a way to show "care". seriously- go fuck yourself. you're not concerned with my well-being and i hate to break it to you- the only thing you'll see if something bad happens to me because of you is bad consequences.. something will get you. so my suggestion is to just let me live my damn life the way I want because i've managed to get myself this far in life and i'm not stopping here. it's funny that people assume i'm more stupid and unable than i really am. it annoyed me at first but now that i've lost nearly everything- WHAT'S ONE MORE THING?! RIGHT.

espanol

i just got back from spanish. the tutor asked me if they had any translators at sabathani after i told him i volunteered there and i said, "no.. but i have ran into a few people who speak spanish to me when i've answered the phone at sabathani. i've tried my best to talk to them and help them as much as possible in spanish but there are a few times where i haven't been able to help them." then he said, "oh.. interesting." we went on to review words, colors, and numbers. i think i may surprise him sometimes with my knowledge of some of the words- like today when he asked me how i'd say at the end of the hallway.. i got most, if not all (i honestly forget.. i think i may have needed to be started off with final de.. but i got the word "corridor" right away- which i don't think he expected.. like i said- i surprise him and myself of my knowledge of some of the language). so he's probably a little more motivated to help me now that i actually have a real reason of understanding and helping people at my job- so now i'm learning spanish for another purpose. he also recognizes that i just need a little help with the language- then i can get the grasp of it. because like i said before- it's almost like i was interrupted while learning it- so i'm able to communicate some but i didn't get to finish my spanish classes because a car accident which gave me a brain injury interrupted my ability to be fluent in the language. just have to do my best to pick up where i left off.

my finger will probably be messed up for the rest of my life like *EVERYTHING* else!

i got up and seen the hand/plastic surgeon at health partners today. i had seen him before because he was the doctor who gave me the splint for my finger. i said, "well.. my finger looks more big than the other hand's middle finger." then he said, "oh.. yeah.. it'll probably look swollen for a while longer because of the tone in your fingers.." (i have tone in my fingers from the car accident i was in- not EVERYONE who was in the car accident was alright after just a day or two in the hospital and some minor physical therapy- I DIDN'T HAVE ALCOHOL IN MY BODY TO PARALYZE MY IMMUNE SYSTEM). i have to wear a damn hand splint EVERY night so my hands don't close up again before i had them casted open surgically and after MANY shots of botox in them. it's kinda amazing how some people feel they need to be ignorant in order to be supportive. amazing.. and sad.. if you actually cared to have the knowledge of the HELL i've had to endure because of the mistake to get in a vehicle with a drunk driver (BUT HE'S MARRIED, WALKING, HAVING CHILDREN, AND LIVING LIFE CARELESSLY!). i should go to church because i need to learn how to forgive when it cost me more than you'll EVER know/experience. RIGHT CATHY? THE EVIL IN ME MIGHT GO AWAY JUST LIKE YOUR PERFECT SON AND REST OF YOUR FAMILY!.. shit- talk about getting fucked for associating with the wrong people. it takes two to tango though. so i'm taking responsibility of my shitty ass choices too. i was thinking about this a long time ago and i believe that EVERYONE that you come across in life have a purpose.. God does everything for a reason. i'm just trying to figure out his intentions for my life still. just because i supposedly got compensated for being in the accident does NOT mean that it paid for everything i lost. i may never drive again thanks to your son. among other things i may never do again. BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER! AS LONG AS I GOT PAID IN COURT! *rolls eyes* shut the fuck up. i've also had many falls, so i'm forced to depend on a cane (which doesn't always help), i've also had a few seizures a long time ago but NONE OF THAT MATTERS AS LONG AS YOU HAD TO PAY ME IN COURT! that makes me evil and i need to go to church!.. i don't think that's how it works. considering Jesus stands for the vulnerable and getting injured and almost killed makes ME vulnerable! (thanks to YOUR son.. so i guess that may determine where he ends up after he dies.. i suppose he could do a bunch of hail mary's because you're catholic if i remember right.. so God may be easier on him then?) i feel like a sunday school teacher explaining this to the devil. do you get my drift? this feels kinda like having to explain to an emotionally immature parent about their responsibilities of being a CARING parent to her or her flying monkey nieces and daughter. reason why i don't think i'll be looking to reproduce.. i don't wanna pass the generational trauma on. it stops here.

life keeps moving..

i got up and got ready for an interview at another hotel in burnsville. i haven't been there in a while, so it looked different considering i USED to live there and was forced to pretty much waste away all my potential for people who only care about appearing "caring" to other people, so i didn't get much work experience until i finally moved from that dump. it must have been on a different side of the city from which i used to live at, although if it's around where cub foods USED to be located before they tore it down(like i'm pretty sure it is- i remember going to that part of the city for groceries in my wheelchair all the time and going to the taco bell in that area also). when i got there, i walked to the front desk and told the guy at the front desk i was there for an interview, then some other short lady walked up to the counter and she asked me, "are you interviewing for housekeeping?" haha.. that's the first question they ALWAYS ask me. probably because a lot of housekeepers for hotels are typically little mexican ladies. i said, "no. front desk." then she said that she'd have to interview me since the lady who scheduled the interview with me was out of the office for the day, so another lady interviewed me. she said to me almost right away, "i see you're living in st. paul.. so that's close.." they must have a lot of other people who live far away applying for the job because i iniatially thought they'd make that a reason not to hire me (because i was located too far away). i guess it wasn't THAT long of a ride though. one of the only reasons they may not hire me is because i don't have hotel experience but i hope the jobs i've worked/volunteered for dealing with hospitality make me look more qualified. i hope they'll consider my previous work experience when deciding whether or not to hire me because another hotel said the same thing about me lacking hotel experience but they noted that i worked jobs in hospitality.. so it was basically the same thing. she also went out of her way to mention they're looking for people who are good with computers and she seen my data entry experience, i hope she sees that i took classes in college for information systems management.. so i'm also good with computers. i believe she said she'd get back to me by monday or tuesday if i got the job.
i pretty much just came to the realization of why my family isn't supportive of my goals (except joe). they aren't personally familiar with the goals i have and so they can only support me to do things they're familiar with. THIS IS MY LIFE. i didn't go through ALL the shit i've been through just to live off social security in some small town, chainsmoking, drinking pepsi, and talking to my dogs. sound familiar, mom? i realize i have MORE potential than that and if you can't support or even encourage me- i don't see ANY reason to stay in contact with you. GO CRY TO GRANDMA'S FRIENDS, OUR FAMILY MEMBERS WHO ARE ACTUALLY WILLING TO LISTEN TO YOUR SHIT, and anyone else even willing to waste their time listening to an egotistical, negative, and entitled sad excuse of a mom. you're probably just upset that you can't cause any more problems in my life (two surgeries and excruciating abdominal pain come to mind WHICH YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR.. the other parent who did the kicking, is dead.. so God took care of him- you didn't need to bring me into the fight between you and my dad- you should've tried to remove me from the quarrel as soon as possible.. NOT USE MY BODY AS A FUCKING SHIELD WHEN MY DAD WAS KICKING YOU- were your flying monkeys there? DID THEIR MOM USE THEM AS A SHIELD WHEN THEIR DAD WAS KICKING THEM? NO. SO CAN IT. my dreams reminiscing being kicked by my dad because of YOU and the bowel surgeries along with the immense bowel pain PROVE IT). i'm NOT thanking your stupid ass for taking care of me after my car accident because i remember hearing you whine to grandma how you didn't wanna take care of me and i remember being left ALONE while i was wheelchair dependant at your old apartment. SO NO. YOU CAN BOTH GO SCREW YOURSELVES- THAT INCLUDES YOUR FESTIVELY PLUMP DAUGHTER. call me ungrateful or wtf bullshit you want but it doesn't mean a DAMN thing until YOUR mom has used your body as a shield while your dad was kicking her and expects you to throw away EVERYTHING you've busted your ass off for to get where you are.
i got a text message from another apartment in massachusetts to respond to their waiting list on the housing program. i have about 13 or 14 days to get back to them. the ics worker said she'll help me send the response back but i'm thinking it'll probably take a while going through the mail- so she said she'll help me respond electronically when she gets to my apartment in about 15 minutes for my ics session.

Thanks for not doing your job.

i was doing something on my couch this afternoon and the battery fell out of the back of my health alert. i pressed the button on the health alert machine to tell them i needed a new necklace/button.. no one answered me on the machine, so i just went on a walk in the hallway with fredrick like i do every day. then someone called me on my cell phone, asking if i pressed my button. i told him i pressed the button because i need a new necklace /button since mine fell apart. the guy said he'd connect me who to talk to and it kept ringing until i got a message saying they closed at 4 every day (it was 4:12- so i'm sure the guy who connected me to them knew they were closed and just wanted to get off the phone with me). i've had to press the button because i couldn't breathe at night before- oh well.. maybe i'll stop breathing again when the necklace isn't working so i can get away from all these selfish, narcissistic fucks attempting to make themselves look good to everyone else. my will says that everything goes to jay anyway.

are you sure about that?

i was just thinking and laughing to myself about how my sister and jessiy probably hope they can make me empathetic and caring about how my mom is doing, to make her my responsibility and/or to bring us magically together to "care" for her!.. a few problems with that- i remember ALL the pain i had to go through in account of her stupid ass holding me in front of my dad while he was kicking her. it's NOT something i can forget. i screamed in pain because my abdomen was giving me so much pain right before my last surgery on my bowel because it was blocked. i'm kinda surprised i didn't get kicked out of this apartment.. until i got the pain meds for the abdomen pain until i finally had surgery. i'll make my mom go through the SAME pain i had to endure. BUT YEAH! SHOW YOUR MOM AND AUNT HOW MUCH YOU CARE!.. if you guys had brains- you might be genius (but i doubt it considering one of you can't even get your ged- i don't think she made it past the 7th or 8th grade.. i may be giving her too much credit though). i'm not positive why i'm making this post.. something must be bound to happen to the mother from hell soon. huh.. oh well.
i have another interview tomorrow at some hotel. i hope that someone realizes my persistency and hard work i've done. again.. i'm not sure if they'll say i live too far away but they wouldn't have scheduled an in-person interview with them in the first place if they were concerned about that.

we'll see..

that interview went better than i expected. the lady who was interviewing me asked me what i'm doing right now, i told her that i'm volunteering at sabathani community center and she asked me what i did there, i told her that i answered phones and directed people where they need to go in the community center and answered questions for people that need various resources. then i told her about my work history before that. i said, "well.. i used to be doing data entry but it got boring.. just sitting there on a computer- i like interacting with people and helping them." then the lady said, "OH I KNOW! THAT'D BE BORING! KIDS THESE DAYS DON'T KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE! THEY'RE ALWAYS WITH THEIR HEADS DOWN, TEXTING AND ON GAMES!" then i laughed and said, "yeah.. i know what you're talkin about." then i got her card and she said she'd get back to me at the end of the week or monday. i also might have HOPEFULLY scored points when she said she seen i was from st. paul and i didn't live far away from the car place. LUCKILY my lyft ride didn't take long to pick me up and i think i only had to wait 5 minutes or so to be picked up. i got to the interview on time also. that'd probably be the only reason- besides finding someone else- they wouldn't hire me- because my driver's license expired and i got it revoked since no one cares about me enough to help me get it back so i have the appropriate resources and qualifications to live a productive, successful life. i'm not pussyfooting around this topic- that's EXACTLY why. (and OBVIOUSLY no one cares.. because i'm still licenseless after TWENTY FOUR FUCKING YEARS)
so i'm almost positive that my sister reads my blog like it's the newspaper- hoping that she'll magically turn into me since i managed to fuck up my life and i'm slowly making steps to get it back. i'm sure she's looking to see if there's any shortcuts that could help her skip over all the hard work it took to get where i am (i don't get credit for any of it, because it's not directly beneficial to anyone probably)- THERE'S NO SHORTCUTS, FATSY. go get your damn ged, so jobs will actually hire you without having a great-uncle to give you a referral to the job.. you're just lucky jeff actually was nice enough to put up with your shit. you probably fucked that up though- i haven't spoke to you in a long time.. so you're probably scrounging off of mom's social security- talking about how you're gonna get your ged and not even taking the steps to get it. grandma helped me get to where i am today, she tried to help you but ended up getting physically pushed on her ass by you after she stuck up for you when your monkey ass boyfriend was trying to push you around at my apartment a while ago when she was still alive. so i have absolutely NO desire to help your fat ass. same with mom. she used me as a shield when my dad was drunk and mad, so he kicked her but I was the one who really felt it because she had me in her arms- so she held me up (trying to naively tell him that he should calm down but actually trying to shield her dumb ass from his kicks). i have had at least TWO surgeries on my bowel so far and dreams reminising this shitty parenting and the mother from hell has never denied it either.. too much proof. FUCK YOU AND HER. if jessiy's stupid ass is looking for someone empathetic enough to care for my mom (since she cared for me after my car accident)- SHE HAS ANOTHER THING COMING.. YOU care for your crazy aunt if you're that damn concerned about her. i can barely take care of my damn self- I DON'T NEED SOME NARCISSISTIC ASSHOLE WHO DOESN'T CARE FOR ME ANYWAY TO DRAG ME DOWN TO HER DAMN LEVEL. sometimes you gotta be "ungrateful" to actually live a fulfilled life which you can actually survive.