sleep without a red nose?

alright.. i MAY be able to use my cpap now to fall asleep without it turning off all the time and without making my nose red like rudolph's. loreina took me after pissing me off by asking me if i needed "help" walking trying to make it seem like a normal concern because i have fredrick hired to help me. she's worked with me MANY times before- so it's not like she doesn't know i can walk because she's seen me walk independently a million times before in my apartment during our ics sessions. it aggrivated me for someone to act like they were concerned so it appeared like they were actually doing their job while insinuating i didn't know how to walk and without considering what I thought about their judgments while feeling like others will see them as "useful" for helping me do something i'm more than capable of doing MYSELF SAFELY.
we got to gilette and they were ready to give me a new mask and tubing for the machine, since i told them that it always shuts off after a minute or two. so i need fredrick to install it, since i'm sure he's familiar with it (because he has other clients who use cpaps also) and i'm pretty sure he usually installs it/puts it together for me anyway. i ordered a pillow specifically for people with apnea and i ASSUMED it'd help me and i didn't think i'd need my cpap but i had it on anyway a few nights ago and it shut off and started making a noise like i wasn't breathing- which woke me up.. so i'm not sure the pillow actually helps. i was so pissed off that night at my genetics being the reason why i couldn't fall asleep because they had to smoke their damn cigarettes. i've NEVER actually tried smoking a damn cigarette in my whole life. it never appealed to me. so i was pissed that i have breathing problems now because of their choice to smoke. which further proves my accusation of my family LACKING EMPATHY. if they had any empathy- they'd be worried about how the smoking affected ME so they wouldn't have ever done it. just one of the things they've lacked empathy for and I have to deal with the consequences. my grandma faced the consequences in her urn after lung cancer.

another hotel interview

i just had another interview at a hotel. the hotel was about 30 minutes away and last night i had wrote the time i needed to call my ride by on my calendar. i ACTUALLY got there with about 5 minutes to spare i think. so i didn't have the problem of being late for the interview again. the man interviewed me and i'm pretty sure i don't remember saying anything wrong or messing up but he did ask me how i got there for the interview and if i had reliable transportation because he asked me if i had a car, so i'm pretty sure that'd be another BIG reason why they won't hire me. maybe if i had the support to help advocate for me so that i CAN actually drive MYSELF- more jobs would consider me? I THINK SO. i've tried EVERYTHING within my ability to drive again BUT THIS STATE FEELS LIKE THEY CAN JUST TREAT ME HOWEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT BECAUSE I'M DISABLED- SO JUST MORE PUSH FOR THEM TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY NEED TO HAVE ASSISTANCE EVEN THOUGH IT'S BEEN OVER 23 FUCKING YEARS SINCE I DROVE INDEPENDENTLY. i took driving program after driving program, i took the driver's knowledge permit test and PASSED IT at least five times in my life. THANKS FOR NOTHING "CARING" FAMILY. YOU GUYS SUCK AND YOU'RE A BUNCH OF UNEMPATHETIC ASSES WHO JUST "CARE" WHEN IT'S FUCKING CONVENIENT FOR THEM. SORRY TO DISAPPOINT YOU DICKS- I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO COURAGE KENNY WHERE THEY JUST TOOK ADVANTAGE OF MY LACK OF SUPPORT AND NEVER REALLY HELPED ME GET BETTER OR HEALTHIER BECAUSE I WAS JUST A FUCKING LIABILITY TO THEM. IF YOUR STUPID ASSES WANT TO SEE SOMEONE GO TO COURAGE KENNY SO BAD- YOU GO THERE.. AFTER ALMOST DYING AND HAVING TO DEPEND ON A STUPID ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIR TO GET AROUND FOR AT LEAST 15 YEARS OF YOUR DAMN LIVES- OTHERWISE- STFU. I DON'T WANNA SEE ANY SORRY ASS ATTEMPTS AT "SUPPORT" BY "SUPPORTING" ME TO DO SHIT I ALREADY FUCKING MASTERED AT LEAST 15 YEARS AGO. I'M SORRY I DON'T WANNA DEPEND ON SOCIAL SECURITY AND MINDLESSLY SIT IN A FUCKING WHEELCHAIR MY WHOLE DAMN LIFE. IF YOU GUYS HAD A LITTLE EMPATHY- MAYBE YOU'D UNDERSTAND. HOWEVER- BEING EMPATHETIC REQUIRES INTELLIGENCE WHICH THEY OBVIOUSLY LACK. this state is just obsessed with making me as disabled as possible so they can get money outta me- which is why they told me that i couldn't drive anymore. it wasn't to HELP me. it was JUST so they could continue making money off my fucking disability. IF I GO BACK TO COURAGE KENNY- I PROMISE TO MAKE A SCENE SO BAD THAT THE POLICE WILL BE CALLED BECAUSE OF A MANIAC. YOUR CHOICE, DICKS! I'M IN HELL RIGHT NOW.. I MEAN MINNESOTA WITH A LACK OF SUPPORT AND A FUCKING TBI- SAME THING.

better late than never? evidently doesn't fly with everyone.

i went to the interview. my most typical problem came up- i estimated that it would take LESS time than it actually did- so i was about 8 minutes late. the lady who i interviewed with didn't disregard it like the last lady i interviewed with either. she said, "typically we stay ON TIME here and we don't like when our workers are late. clients might have appointments or someone might be absent and we're just looking for someone to fill in for them." i left about 15-20 minutes before the actual appointment and didn't estimate traffic time. she told me about the time when she hadn't had that particular job and was working other jobs and had to be there in like 30 minutes and she said she woke up like 2 hrs before the interview time to make sure she was prepared. i'm thinking that was more like a lecture than an interview but i'm just gonna take her experience and try to prepare myself. other than that- i had a good interview. the lady praised my wardrobe and said it was "very professional" and that's the way she preferred her workers to dress. she stressed how important it was for people that work there to be empathetic. i don't have a problem being empathetic at all- which is unlike certain family members of mine but they weren't interviewing and i highly doubt they're cut out for the job i was interviewing for anyway. just gonna have to stick to the salon. i forgot when or if she said she'd be getting back to me- usually when that happens, the person never ends up updating me on the job anyway. i have another job interview tomorrow- i know i said that my job coach told me about the job at costco and she said that i didn't seem so thrilled about that job but since this other job interview came along and i seemed to be more interested in that particular job- i should stick with the job I was interested in. so i'm going to the other interview which i'm pretty sure is a receptionist job at some clinic. i'm double checking after this when i estimate when i should call my ride. i might leave about 45 minutes before because i think it takes 20 minutes to get there but i'm gonna double check. it was kinda annoying because the lady who was interviewing me asked me how long i had been working while using my cane. i didn't wanna come off as rude and tell her to look at my resume but i did mention when the interview was over, i mentioned how i was in a car accident when i was 16 and i was in the passenger seat while my friend was drunk driving and i was in a coma for 6 months and in a wheelchair for a lot of my life and i slowly got stronger and finally i'm walking with a cane and nothing happened to the driver because he was drinking but his friend in the back seat died and the lady said, "..and you're here with a cane working on getting a job.." i'm not sure how to take that. i didn't tell her that to get sympathy, i told her so she'd understand my situation and consider all the hard work i've been through just to get where i am and why i was in the condition i was in. i suppose it's up to her if she's gonna hire me. just gonna have to keep applying places.

MY life. MY choice. *I* am the one who will be working this job.

i just checked my email and someone from a hotel is requesting an interview with me tomorrow at 10:30. i have that interview at cds at 11:15 tomorrow and i really don't even want that job but my job coach said it was easy, so they'd more than likely hire me. so she wanted me to work that job, so it'd make it look like she was actually doing her job in "helping" me get a job. i'd rather work the job that requested an interview at 10:30 tommorow.. so i'm pretty sure i'm gonna tell them i'll do an interview with them- even though it's not a guaranteed job unlike the "easy" job my job coach helped me schedule. whatever. my job coach didn't answer her phone when i called her about it just now, so i'll do what I think is best- since this is MY life and i'd rather be working a job which is actually constructive rather than a job "anyone could do". *rolls eyes*

PROPER RECOGNITION.

i spoke with my psychologist now about my frustration how people don't recognize where i came from and what i've been through to get where i am today. she said, "yeah.. that's right. didn't you come from a coma?" and i said, "YES. just 23 years ago or so- I WAS LYING IN A FUCKING COMA IN BUFFALO'S HOSPITAL." although, now that i think of it- i'm not sure how long it took for me to be air-ambulanced to regions hospital to lie there in a coma in a hospital bed in the hospital room. i was in a coma 23 years ago though.. around that amount of time. no one fuckin gives me credit for the shit i've ALREADY been through. DO THEY THINK I MAGICALLY GOT OUTTA BED AFTER BEING IN A COMA?! AMANDA INSINUATES THAT SHIT- TOTALLY IGNORING THE REHABILITATION I'VE ALREADY DONE TO HELP ME BECOME AMBULATORY WITHOUT REQUIRING THE HELP OF A WHEELCHAIR, WALKER, OR TREKKING POLES TO ASSIST ME IN GETTING AROUND. IT'S LIKE I'M BEING PREVENTED FROM PROGRESSING BECAUSE IT'S NOT CONVENIENT FOR SUPPOSED FORMS OF "SUPPORT" TO SUPPORT ME INTO PROGRESSING AND GETTING HEALTHIER BECAUSE THEY DON'T GET CREDIT FOR NEGLECTING ME. THIS IS MY LIFE I'M LIVING- NOT AMANDA'S. NOT MY SORRY EXCUSE OF A MOTHER'S. MINE. IF YOU WANTED ME TO SPEAK BETTER ABOUT YOU- YOU SHOULD'VE FUCKING SUPPORTED ME AND SHOWN ME CARE. SO YOUR OPINIONS OF WHERE I'M HEADED ARE REALLY OF NO INTEREST TO ME. GO ATTEMPT TO LOOK "CARING" TO YOUR FAVORITE CHILD, MOM. SHE NEEDS IT. OBVIOUSLY I'M NOT REFERRING TO MYSELF BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN DECLARED "CRAZY" YET. which leaves the golden child- amy. buzz off. my psychologist brought up how i took the hard way of going through therapy and i said, "YEAH. PEOPLE DON'T GIVE ME CREDIT FOR IT EITHER BECAUSE THEY DON'T LOOK GOOD THE WAY I WENT THROUGH IT ALL. I COULD HAVE JUST LAID IN BED IN A COMA.. I COULDA JUST SAT MY ASS IN A DAMN WHEELCHAIR AND REMAINED THERE BUT I DIDN'T. I ALWAYS FOUND WAYS AROUND SHIT. LIKE WHEN COURAGE KENNY ATTEMPTED TO KEEP ME DORMANT- MY GRANDMA WENT OUT AND FOUND TRAM HOLLOWAY TO HELP ME BECOME AMBULATORY WITH HIS ARP THERAPY. THEN WHEN I WENT TO COURAGE KENNY WITHOUT A WALKER OR TREKKING POLES- KEVIN, THE THERAPIST AT COURAGE KENNY TOLD ME NOT TO RETURN IF I DIDN'T HAVE MY WALKER OR TREKKING POLES TO ASSIST ME IN WALKING." my psychologist said, "oh.. HE's the one that REALLY helped you?" i said, "yeah. courage kenny was more concerned about getting credit for keeping me as disabled and vulnerable as possible. the ONLY help they provided me with was giving me somewhere to practice walking and they tried to put me on exercise machines that my living room wall could do- so they could get credit for helping me. HELPING ME STAY AS HANDICAPPED AS POSSIBLE. and since i didn't have support to jerk them off- i just turned into a liability." i just recognized something- if i really took into consideration about my awareness of shit and people still deliberately refusing to help me progress in the way I want- i could become a very depressed person and even maniacal. wonder if that's amanda and my mom's intention? hm.. you pricks think you're smart. exactly why i don't have any desire to remain in this environment- if you weren't so fucking selfish, you'd realize that.
i have an interview tomorrow and i'm REALLY hoping to get this job. i need to go to my interview before i go to sabathani because both are in minneapolis and i'd only have like 20 minutes (if that) in between to return home.

removal?

i had ics today and i gave the ics worker the eviction letter i received yesterday. he looked it over and said, "well.. it shows that your payee pays the rent.. i think a few days after they're supposed to but they still pay it." and i said, "yeah.. i'm not sure if the mix-up is because i always get the AI bot nagging me about paying my rent and my payee said that it's automatically paid on the 5th i think.." the ics worker tried to reassure me by telling me that the supervisor of our ics program has a good relationship with management and they should understand. so all i can do now is wait for the weekday, when i gotta call my payee and check on this again. i think i called her yesterday when i first got it and i'm not sure it was a very nice message.. but i may have surprised myself and filtered myself as much as possible. i don't really remember. i'm pretty sure i called the company that my payee worked for and i don't know if the voicemail was very nice either. that's what people get for not doing their jobs properly and ON TIME, to avoid any confusion though because i'm pretty sure this exact thing has happened to me before at least once and management is always texting me about how i have an unpaid balance and i know i've asked my payee about it a few times and she just disregards it and said they always do this and she always pays on a certain day of the month (which i can't remember exactly which day she said now.. i think it might be on the 5th?). although looking at this record of when my rent has been paid every month, she pays it on the 20th or another date after the 5th sometimes. SO IT CAN'T BE AUTO-PAY LIKE I WAS TOLD IT WOULD BE A LONG TIME AGO. people lie to the disabled girl here anyway- just tell the mentally handicapped girl whatever sounds better at the time! *rolls eyes* learn how to do your damn jobs- they SHOULD be more pro-active ESPECIALLY because i have a disability. can't ask for too much in this state!.. #1 FOR DISABILITIES MY ASS. don't say shit unless you know PERSONALLY wtf you're talking about. you've proven your lack of intelligence and empathy (since being intelligent DOES require EMPATHY *gasp*) A LONG time ago. that might be why she doesn't answer the phone for me though.. she might have realized she doesn't know what the hell she's talking about and doesn't wanna waste her time or cause any other conflicts and she probably doesn't have time to speak to her mentally handicapped cousin. i'm cracking up just typing this right now but i know that's exactly what she thinks of me since she pretty much treats me that way (insinuating that i don't recognize what's best for myself- i've been through MORE shit than you can dream of and you're older than me.. i suggest you make your assumptions and keep them to YOURSELF because nobody likes a negative nancy or a smart ass who assumes you don't know as much as she does- so you're automatically an idiot that doesn't know what's good for herself because it's NOT convenient for negligent, naive "advocates" like herself).

"MINNESOTA BEST FOR DISABILITIES!" are they the best for helping disabled citizens live INDEPENDENTLY successfully?!

i was just thinking of bullshit amanda the einstein said to me, "MINNESOTA IS THE BEST FOR DISABILITIES!" okay- WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE DISABLED?! you've obviously never personally dealt with someone who was disabled. (i think back to when my psychologist asked me if amanda ever worked with someone with a disability.. i said, "it doesn't seem like it. so i doubt it." plus she LACKS EMPATHY so that really doesn't do anything for her. it can't be the "best" for disabilities because IF it were- i wouldn't have to worry about my payee actually doing their damn jobs in PAYING MY RENT. i got a letter for not only one month unpaid, but TWO months.. so i think that means i'm evicted after TWO months of unpaid rent. DOESN'T MATTER TO AMANDA OR ANY OF MY OTHER FAMILY! THEY'LL APPEAR MORE CARING IF I LIVE IN A NURSING HOME IN MINNESOTA ANYWAY! selfish assholes. i think i brought up in the voicemail to my case manager how if i told my cousin joe- he'd probably be on the phone with attorneys for people who were PAID to ASSIST VULNERABLE ADULTS that dealt with caregivers NOT doing their jobs they're paid to do. he's the only family member of mine who'd actually make sure i'm not pushed around. IF MINNESOTA WAS THE "BEST FOR DISABILITIES"- THEY'D BE MAKING SURE THEY TOOK CARE OF THEIR VULNERABLE ADULTS IN ORDER TO ASSIST THEM TO LIVE SUCCESSFULLY INDEPENDENTLY. don't talk to me like i'm some kind of fucking idiot that will believe anything her kewliez older cousin says because she said it. you've been absolutely NO HELP while trying to live anywhere SUCCESSFULLY while being disabled and vulnerable. explains why massachusetts was ranked higher in quality of living.

GOD FORBID ANYTHING GOES RIGHT FOR ME.

ok. well- i received a letter of eviction for not paying two months of rent. IT'S NOT EVEN MY FUCKING JOB TO MAKE SURE MY DAMN RENT IS PAID. IT'S MY PAYEE'S. they should know that i'm NOT in charge of my finances because of my disability. AMANDA AND THE REST OF MY FAMILY WON'T BE SATISFIED UNTIL I'M LIVING IN A FUCKING GROUP HOME IN GLENCOE! that way i couldn't be doing better than them and they wouldn't have anything to be jealous of! RIGHT GUYS?! fuck my stupid ass mom and amanda. NEWSFLASH: I HAVE A TBI. PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE PAID TO MAKE SURE I'M TAKEN CARE OF. THAT'S TOO HARD FOR AMANDA TO UNDERSTAND. YOU GOT THIS! I SHOULD TELL THE APARTMENT MANAGEMENT COMPANY THAT SAME LINE WHEN THEY ASK FOR RENT PAYMENT! IT WORKS FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPOSEDLY *SUPPOSED* TO BE SUPPORTING ME! what comes around, goes around and she's gonna find out exactly how it feels to be vulnerable without support. YOU GOT THIS! another example of people refusing to support me so i can't live as successful or even more successful than them. the next person i'm calling is my case manager because she should have knowledge of this. it's a weekend though, so she's not gonna get the message at least until monday.

JUST OPENING A CAN OF WORMS.

one of the biggest barriers in my life (causing me anxiety) is that i don't receive "support" or even encouragement when i'm doing ANYTHING in my life because my family doesn't wanna see anyone doing better than them or anything different than them that they can't take credit for (EXCEPT JOE). that's the major reason why amanda doesn't even speak to me, she has an in-law who works at courage kenny- so all of a sudden she can act like she was a "supportive" and "caring" person to me and get credit for me attending that overrated excuse of a rehab. "institute". I WENT TO COURAGE KENNY WHILE MY GRANDMA WAS ALIVE. I'M DONE WITH THAT SHIT. OH YEAH! HOT DOG! I WANNA WASTE MORE OF MY FUCKING LIFE BEING TOLD I'M TOO DISABLED TO DO THINGS AND BE SHOVED ON EXERCISE MACHINES MY LIVING ROOM WALL COULD DO! I'M MENTALLY DISABLED! I WON'T KNOW THAT I'M WASTING MY TIME WHILE MY FAMILY APPEARS "CARING" AND "SUPPORTIVE" DOING SHIT I MUST HAVE DONE AT LEAST FIFTEEN FUCKING YEARS AGO. APPARENTLY TO AMANDA AND ALL MY UNCARING FAMILY- I'M MENTALLY DISABLED, SO I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO WITH MY TIME! you're a complete fucking idiot if you don't understand why i'm moving OUT of this state. WITH "SUPPORT" AND ENCOURAGEMENT LIKE THIS! RIGHT AMANDA?! FUCKIN SELFISH IDIOT. same with my stupid ass lazy mom. i'm remembering that my psychologist told me i should write this letter to amanda in a NOTEBOOK (so everyone wouldn't be able to read it and i'm thinking because she recognizes that it won't be a very nice letter). she's not worth the time writing it in a notebook.. YOU LIKE THAT?! JUST GIVING YOU A TASTE OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE, IDIOT! now.. my mom.. i figure just disrespecting her will do the trick like she disrespects ME and MY life. she won't be able to take credit for anything i do for myself if i move because her kids are the ONLY thing she's ever made in her life which actually do something. that's all she can take credit for in her life and she couldn't even fuckin take care of us by herself. afterall- jay and i lived at my grandparents' house for most of our lives while her youngest daughter ended up living with her and managing to spread her legs and get pregnant at TWELVE FUCKING YEARS OLD (that was JUST the FIRST time- followed by a couple more and a few visits to the abortion clinic which she was pretty much forced to give to a family in south dakota through ADOPTION) a realization just came to me- my sister seems to want to act like me since we were younger and I never got pregnant.. in fact- i think i lost my virginity at about 21. ANOTHER BIG REASON WHY SHE'S NOTHING LIKE ME! NEVER HAS BEEN.. NEVER WILL BE. my mom has never worked an actual job or done anything with her life.. so she jumps on the opportunity of trying to make her disabled daughter JUST like her!.. except i DID graduate high school with honors and i've attended a few colleges, along with worked a few jobs. YOU SEE THAT? NOTHING ALIKE. the only similarities you'll find is with your youngest child! who i'm sure you like best anyway- judging from the fights jay, amy, and i used to have when we were younger and you always favored amy while jay and i would get in trouble. go try to ruin fat amy's life. seeing as i know you can read now (which you faked basically all my life- saying you couldn't read so you didn't have any jobs) but you coincidentally got the ability to read once you found out i had a blog. you're everything i try my hardest to avoid being. an example of what i NEVER wanna be my whole life. however- the second you see a person who has anything in common with you (we both have brain injuries.. however yours is nuchal chord so you should've learned to LIVE with it) even working hard to get outta this shit- you gotta try to cling to them because misery loves company. that's another thing i don't understand- you used to say, "THIS IS YOUR OWN LIFE! LIVE IT WHERE YOU WANT!" but then all of a sudden- a few years ago, you act like you actually care and are concerned about me moving elsewhere (well.. if whining to my grandma's friends on the phone and our family is considered "concern" and "care")- I'VE COVERED ALL THE BASES. I'M WORKING ON HOUSING, I ALREADY ATTENDED NUMEROUS COLLEGES, WORKED JOBS SO I HAVE SOMETHING TO PUT ON MY RESUME. YOU HAVEN'T DONE SHIT FOR ME FOR AT LEAST THE LAST TEN YEARS OR SO. don't try to take advantage of my location, so people will assume you actually support and/or care for me because YOU DON'T. if this is that idiot amanda's idea of distracting me from moving somewhere else and creating a life of MY own- she's just showing her LACK of intelligence. you're not gonna get credit for helping or supporting me because you can't even answer the fucking phone.. for me or the emergency room. I COULD BE DEAD! DOESN'T CONCERN YOU! "YOU GOT THIS!" NO.. i do NOT "got this"! because i'm in the same damn state i've lived in basically my whole life. talk to me when you GAIN INTELLIGENCE. YOU GOT THIS! GROW A HEART AND A BRAIN. YOU GOT THIS! i've researched different locations and the second i find somewhere that's actually rated HIGHER than minnesota for health care, jobs, and environment among other things- *CRICKETS* when an apartment actually becomes available there. NO THANKS TO AMANDA! "WAIT FOR AMANDA TO HELP YOU MOVE!" that's what my grandma told me almost every night towards the end of her life during our phone conversations we had with each other EVERY night. if you had ANY intelligence- you would've helped me move to the east coast before i revealed all this shit i've had to go through.. the only good thing about this (which i'm sure you have knowledge of and are trying to take advantage of it since you don't either) is NOBODY GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT STACY! SO WHO CARES THAT YOU DON'T SUPPORT ME! YOU'LL DO IT WHEN YOU FIND TIME AND IT BENEFITS YOU! i'm just grateful i actually have ONE cousin who actually gives a damn about me- joe. i may have gone crazy by now if i didn't have him. maybe you'll learn some things from him.. instead of more than likely making entitled, selfish, more than likely- bigoted remarks about him (since i know YOU and your husband are grump supporters.. take my cousin down along with the economy and health care!.. NOBODY CARES! MAKKKE AMERIKKKA GRATE AGAIN!).

HOPEFULLY *no more* STACY THE RED NOSED REINDEER SOON!

i had thought that my appointment to help me with why my cpap makes my nose red was on tuesday during the interview that i'm ACTUALLY hoping to get the job but the appointment is actually on wednesday at 2:30 and my interview for a product demonstrator is 11:15 that day while the interview i REALLY am hoping to get the job is on tuesday afternoon. i really don't know if they'll consider me for the product demonstrator job even if my job coach said, "it's an easy job that anyone could do!".. thanks for the confidence in my abilities (which i took as "ANY OLD IDIOT CAN WORK THIS JOB! OF COURSE THEY'LL HIRE YOU!". if i really cared what people thought about me- that might affect me more but considering she has just started working with me and really doesn't have an idea of what i'm capable of (i don't really think she CARES either)- i'm just gonna let it go in one ear and out the other. she obviously is a bad judge of abilities if she just assumes i'm an idiot because i happen to be disabled and unemployed. there's a good chance she won't be working with me very long, just by seeing her effort of helping me get employed again. i'm not dealing with lazy ass health assisting workers anymore. like how some ics worker that always seems to make problems with me when she works with me called me a few days ago and asked me if i needed anything for our session and i told her, "no." because i didn't feel like dealing with her laziness and blaming ME for her lack of effort to actually help and care. she just proves my theory about how women care assistants are lazy and they just expect this job to be easy because they don't have to actually help because they're working with disabled people who just like being paid attention to and don't have lives worth living- so they don't have any goals, so you can just sit on your phone and text people or play on the internet.. although, there really hasn't been much playing with the phones by ics workers i've seen in this apartment nowadays.. so someone must've put their foot down on them at least at this apartment- which was unlike the apartment in burnsville and my first apartment in minneapolis and i don't really remember them being on their phones much when i lived in the apartment on marshall ave.

another no-go but at least i have one opportunity for the future!

i forgot to mention that i was going to another job interview at a hotel after i got done posting in my previous post. it was in forest lake and i didn't know how long it really took because this was the first interview i've had there. on google, it CLAIMED it was about 25 minutes.. so i made sure i called my lyft ride 35 minutes before the actual interview. it didn't really pay because the lyft driver took me to broadway street in minneapolis and we must've spent at least 10 minutes looking for it until i just looked on indeed on my cell phone and i seen the interview wasn't even in minneapolis and he had the building # wrong anyway. he said to me, "call someone and tell them you can't find it.." then i looked at my indeed account and i couldn't find a number for the hotel but i did message the lady who i scheduled the interview with that we were late but i told the driver about it being in the wrong city and we were on our way there. then i looked at the time and it was like 45 minutes after the interview started and he said we still had like 20 minutes to go- so i just told him to go home since he told me he was gonna have to charge me for extra miles. i should've looked at the reviews before i actually applied to the hotel. on the way back from minneapolis (where he ASSUMED the hotel was), i read the reviews about the hotel and it was rated 2 stars out of 5. one person commented about going to have breakfast there in the buffet line and how some girl with dirty hands grabbed some chips to eat out of the bowl while at the buffet and got the chips all dirty without anyone saying anything. there also was a review about people leaving junk under the heater in their hotel room. there were some other reviews but they weren't good and those are some that stuck out in my memory the most. maybe God was realigning me again so i didn't go to that interview on purpose? that's how i'm gonna take it. i thought that was the only interview i have scheduled before the product demonstrator interview next wednesday (i think) and LUCKILY, i forgot about the interview i scheduled yesterday with the clinic in minneapolis.. so i have one more chance for sure before the product demonstrator interview! i'm not gonna get my hopes up though because i had HOPED today would be different for me and i'd actually get hired.. so for my psychological safety- i'm not gonna put too much confidence in this either partly because things never go right for me anyway yet- they're still in the process of alignment and getting things right for me. i just wish it wouldn't take so damn long because i'm not sure how much longer my mental health can take this shit. laugh at that if you want, just shows exactly why i'm still not where i wanna be exactly. the nurse who fills my anodyne machine has this stupid thought that i should go to courage kenny, she obviously doesn't know or care about how they don't assist me in the way that would progress me, she assumes i don't know what i'm doing and i'm mentally disabled as well and not capable of living a NORMAL life like a happy healthy person lives (you know- work, living healthy and happy INDEPENDENTLY). if she keeps suggesting courage kenny, i'm gonna suggest she gets a new job because i don't like working with people who don't have MY best interests in mind. she figures that if i go there- i'll be so distracted and HAPPY that i'll forget about wanting to move to the east. she obviously is NOT concerned about what I want for myself. same with stupid amanda and the biggest idiot- my mom. they're too stupid to realize that IF i truly had no chance at being employed- I WOULDN'T EVEN GET THESE DAMN INTERVIEWS SCHEDULED. NO ONE WOULD WANT TO WASTE THEIR TIME SEEING IF I'M SOMEONE WHO'S ACTUALLY WORTH HIRING. so much for "SUPPORT" from you unsupportive naive pricks. good thing i'm hard headed.

"all talk", hah?

ugh.. i woke up this morning at probably about 2 am and went to the bathroom, lied back down in bed and i couldn't fall back asleep for at least 20-30 minutes, so i slipped my headset on for my cpap (i don't like putting this shit on because the piece of shit makes my nose red, i was thinking about it this morning and my cpap mask resembles the muzzle we used to put on my mom's dog before it died and it ripped up his nose- while clawing at his nose with his own nails trying to get the muzzle off..). i finally fell asleep but i didn't get much sleep because i can tell just my mood right now. i'm irritated and i just have this feeling that i wanna scream in frustration. IT'S NOT MY "TIME OF THE MONTH" EITHER. i'm pretty sure it has something to do with the LACK of sleep i was able to get. i blame genetics also. if my mom and grandparents wouldn't have selfishly smoked their fuckin cigarettes while i was around- I'D BE ABLE TO BREATHE NORMALLY WHILE SLEEPING AND NOT HAVE TO RELY ON SOME PIECE OF SHIT MACHINE THAT'S SUPPOSED TO HELP ME SLEEP BUT IT RIPS THE FUCK OUTTA MY NOSE AND MAKES IT RED. i threw that fuckin mask off my face two or three times the night before because the piece of shit was bothering my nose and making it red and the fucker wouldn't even stay on. i could say, "well now i know what i NEVER want to put my own kids through!" but i'm not even sure i still want to have kids. not in this economy and i don't wanna even take the risk of putting them through the shit i've had to go through and/or pass down ANY of the shit I have to deal with thanks to genetics (this cpap mask situation being JUST one of the examples). "your mom did her best to raise you!! don't be so hard on her!" no. she didn't. WERE YOU THERE? DID YOU HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THE SHIT THAT ME AND MY SIBLINGS DID(WELL, MOSTLY ME AND MY BROTHER BECAUSE MY SISTER WAS THE "GOLDEN CHILD" IN OUR FAMILY)?! my brother shared with me a story about jonas (my sister's dad) hitting him in the eye when we were younger and he almost poked his eye out- what did my mom do? BITCH AT MY BROTHER, OF COURSE! an example of her *great* parenting. i'm sure my grandparents seen that my mom wasn't able to handle all of us kids, so they stepped in and me and my brother lived at my grandparents' house for probably at least 5 years.. so NO- she did NOT do her best.. she had ASSISTANCE. i'm also majorly depressed because one of the ladies from sabathani called me and wanted to see if she could give me another role at sabathani which helped more and she wanted to know if i had any skills tests taken but when i told my job coach, she basically shot the idea down and said, "i can't release those records without a release of information. i'd have to talk to my supervisor." i don't even think she brought it up to her supervisor. i'm gonna call him after i get done eating and ask him. like people don't want me to progress in life. KINDA LIKE WITH THAT APARTMENT OFFER I GOT FROM CONCORD. people weren't prepared to let me move up and on- SO I HAD TO TURN IT DOWN. THIS LACK OF SUPPORT IS KILLING ME AND IT'S GONNA GET TO ME WHEN I'M NOT ABLE TO STOP WHAT I'M DOING IN REACTION TO IT AND THAT'LL BE IT. so my suggestion is people need to start actually fucking doing their jobs properly or i'm not gonna be here anymore to deal with this shit. my ex care coordinator had a son who also had a brain injury and she used to always say i was "all talk, no action".. i'm sure she said that shit to her son too, who ended up killing himself.. i wonder why. with empathy like that telling you that you're "all talk, no action" (i'm sure she said the same shit to him)- he figured he'd shut her stupid ass up and just killed himself. same thing might happen in my situation too if PEOPLE DON'T START ACTUALLY START DOING THEIR FUCKING JOBS PROPERLY. people honestly think i'm gonna put up with this shit because they have better things to do rather than make sure things are working right for me. "YOU GOT THIS!" no i fuckin don't. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A TBI AND ATTEMPTED TO TELL PEOPLE WHAT YOU WANT FOR YOURSELF? obviously not, so stfu. find someone who will actually help me (not just at their own time or when it's convenient for THEM either). it's been over 24 fuckin years since i was in my accident and 14 years since my grandma died.. I'M STILL IN THIS FUCKIN STATE. FIGHTING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND IT'S YOUR FUCKING FAULT. YOU CAN SAY I DID THIS TO MYSELF BUT WHEN A PERSON HAS A FAMILY- THEY GENERALLY EXPECT THEIR FAMILY TO ACTUALLY CARE ENOUGH TO TRY TO MAKE THEM TRULY SATISFIED AND HAPPY WITH THEIR LIVES- NOT JUST WHAT'S CONVENIENT FOR YOU BECAUSE *GASP* THIS ISN'T *YOUR* LIFE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT! take your head out of your entitled ass and grow a damn heart.