YOLO!! SI SI!

i spoke to my therapist today. i told her my birthday was tomorrow and she said to me, "OH! do you have any plans?!" then i said, "well. since it's my FORTIETH BIRTHDAY- i wanted to do something big. i HAD planned on going to mexico since i was born there- it just seems appropriate.. but since amy said i couldn't take more than 1 trip a year.. i'm just going to a strip club with doug." then she said, "oh? yeah mexico would be fun.. i thought we determined a calendar year would be in november if you still wanted to go this year.. how do you feel about going to a strip club now instead of mexico?" then i said, "well.. i had REALLY wanted to go to mexico for my birthday but i'll just do the next best thing and go to rick's cabaret.. since i've never been there before.." then she tried to clarify if I was the one who wanted to go to rick's or if it was just douglas (because i'm not really sure why people don't see this as MY idea? do i really seem that uptight?). so then i said, "no.. it was MY idea. i always wanted to check it out since even when i lived in burnsville and nick from the half assed morning show would always talk about it. fredrick asked me why i wanna see naked women dancing around and i said that i just wanted a new experience. i'm completely secure with my sexuality." then my therapist seemed a little more at ease when she said, "oh." and i said, "plus, i don't really think douglas would be up for going to a strip club for men.. he isn't as secure with his sexuality as i am." then she said, "well.. you know- you could always go by yourself." then i said, "yeah but it doesn't seem like as much fun." heh.. i'm not sure if she was nervous that she was talking to an undercover carpet muncher or if she thought i was being pushed into something because i'm usually so uptight or something? you only turn 40 once and no one ever does things surprising for me on my birthday- which i told her that i was pretty sure it's because people don't care about me that much around here. SO, IT'S MY CHOICE! IF I CAN'T RETURN TO SEE WHERE I WAS BORN- I'LL GO CRAZY ELSEWHERE. i'm pretty sure i've done crazier shit- so i wouldn't put this past me and you'll see tomorrow since everyone acts too fucking stupid to help me get to where I TRULY want to live. you idiots will regret this. it just might bite you in your lame uptight asses. that's what you get for trying to control me and ACT like you "care" about me. tell me.. DID YOU CARE THIS MUCH ABOUT ME WHEN YOU WERE ABOUT TO GET KICKED BY MY DAD AND YOU SELFISHLY USED ME AS A SHIELD WHILE NANCHALANTLY HOLDING ME IN FRONT OF YOUR STUPID ASS TO ACT LIKE YOU WERE TRYING TO SHOW HIM WHY HE SHOULD SETTLE DOWN? DID YOU CARE THIS MUCH ABOUT ME WHEN THE EMERGENCY ROOM ATTEMPTED TO CALL YOU WHEN I FELL OUTTA MY WHEELCHAIR AND BANGED MY HEAD ON THE ICE/STREET?! i remember having to even get stitches above my eye. don't try to say you did because JOE was the ONLY one who actually made an effort to check to see if i was alright last time i was having surgery because my mom's selfish ass using my body as a shield.. so i got kicked- which resulted in a perforrated bowel and a blocked bowel. you are quite honestly the best example of what i should AVOID doing and being. thanks for the guidance of what to avoid turning into.. that's the ONLY thanks you'll ever receive from me. "WHAT ABOUT HOW YOUR MOM TOOK CARE OF YOU AFTER THE CAR ACCIDENT YOU WERE IN?!" i know better, FLYING MONKEY. mind your own business. you obviously have no respect and/or care for me. GRANDMA MADE HER TAKE CARE OF HER OWN FUCKING DAUGHTER. there were SEVERAL nights when i heard my mom whining to my grandma how it wasn't fair that she should have to stay home with her OWN DAUGHTER and she actually went out a bunch of times when i was wheelchair dependant without leaving me with someone to help me- until i told my grandma, then she chewed my mom out and came into town a few times and sat with me while my mom selfishly went to the bar to play pool with her little boyfriend carlos. i'm pretty sure i've experienced pretty close to everything dealing with neglect. that is NOTHING to be PROUD of either. the perpetrators should be ASHAMED of themselves. shit's gonna change. i realize i can do things by MYSELF and i'm NOT turning into a bum who smokes cigarettes and talks to her dogs. if i see that happening- I WILL KILL MYSELF AND WRITE "THANKS MOM AND AMANDA" IN BLOOD. that'll probably just make them wet with admiration for themselves though. can't win for losing.

*PREPARING*!!

fredrick just took me to the store, so i could withdraw money from the atm from my debit card for the strip club on tuesday. i'm pretty sure they HAVE to have an atm at rick's cabaret though but now that i think about it- they probably charge out the ass in addition for using the atm there. so i probably made a wise decision in getting some money on my own before going to rick's. i was trying to decide if me not going to mexico made any difference in me deciding to go to rick's.. i'm not sure if it made much of a difference- i've always had a desire to check it out, it just so happens to be my birthday on tuesday and doug said they give you lap dances for free for your birthday (i'm pretty sure i remember him saying that)- ah well. i'm still gonna get a lap dance- free or not. hopefully i take my concerta that night to keep me awake, so i don't just run on adrenaline to keep me awake and going. i'm not sure how long my adrenaline would keep me going.

IT'S A PLAN!

well.. i checked with doug if he's still bringing me to rick's cabaret and he said, "yeah.. we could go to the casino after too, if you want". i'd go to the casino and all- it's just that i'm not sure i'll have much money remaining after i get back from rick's. we'll see. i figure i go big on my 40th birthday, seeing as i was told i couldn't take a trip to mexico for my birthday like I WANTED. so the strippers at rick's just may see a pay day on tuesday. *shrugs shoulders* whatever. i guess i'm cool with either but i'm just saying if i would've got to go to mexico for MY BIRTHDAY i probably wouldn't have a face full of titties in my face for my birthday and a few lap dances. i asked tyler how much you typically should tip strippers and i THINK he said $50.. i told him i didn't wanna look cheap when tipping but i am kinda tight with my money typically.
i was thinking about how my grandma used to tell me i changed.. i don't think i realized how manipulating she was trying to be. she was trying to scare me into just acting the way she wanted, so i'd think i didn't change. then it hit me- PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO CHANGE! i don't remember if i told her that when she told me once that i changed.. i kinda feel like i did. just judging by that manipulation tactic- you should understand how i was basically raised and all the abuse (my dad kicking me because my mom used MY BODY as a shield while he was kicking her) was condoned because my grandma jumped to the conclusion that my mom had a disability since she was illiterate. my mom can read. she reads my blog all the time. so she's just lazy. which to me is worse than being disabled but i'm not sure how stupid people think. i'm pretty sure my mom probably had something to do with amy telling me i couldn't go to mexico. my mom thinks she can go to mexico but she tries to stop me from going there.. which i don't really understand why except for the fact she's incredibly jealous of her own daughter. go act like you care about fat amy. she's your favorite kid anyway. if my kids spoke about this on their blogs.. i would NEVER want to read that shit. another difference between me and my mom. if you people were SMART you'd work on helping me to move out of this state- so i don't have time to think about how she abused me and open the can of worms because i'd be too busy living and making my OWN life to post or think about something as depressing as my mom and the shit she did to me.

Bound to happen.

i have this feeling that douglas might ghost me on my birthday, so he won't even bring me to rick's cabaret. maybe i'm just being paranoid because it's for my FORTIETH birthday and i was excited to have plans for it FOR ONCE since nobody gives a damn about me to make plans for me. that's also one of the reasons why i don't wanna live in this particular state. i'm not gonna go switching my interests/personality just so i can actually do things and have friends.

interviews

i just got done at my last interviews of the day. the first interview went alright, although i'm not sure if they'll count that i thought i was interviewing for front desk when it was actually guest services. they didn't make a big deal about it but i finally got to interview with them after about 40 minutes. so, i kept looking at my watch to make sure i'd have enough time to get to the second interview at a different hotel. i got there on time with probably 15 minutes to spare at least but i came when there wasn't many hotel guests- so the lady interviewing me did it earlier than the interview was while still answering phone calls. i didn't mind- i'm sure that's common during the day (having interruptions and still managing to assist people). the only mistake i made during this interview was forgetting to mention that i'd like to work more when she asked me why i was looking for another job other than the one at sabathani. i forgot to bring a notebook to write down when the employer would be getting back to me (so it shows i'm actually interested in getting the job) but i'm pretty sure one of them said by monday they'd get back to me and it feels like the other said something about thursday but i don't remember which one said what. so i'll just pay attention to my indeed account because i know at least one of them said she'd get back to me on indeed. the good thing is that i don't remember saying anything wrong during either of these interviews- it's just that i forgot to say things that may make me look more appealing to hire.

test rings

i'm wearing one of the test rings on my finger (which happysleep sent me to try on and wear), i don't think there's like a monitor in this particular test ring because it looks plastic. i'm not sure of the purpose of having me actually wear the ring all day- i can see just trying them on to see what size fits best but the ics worker who was helping me read that i had to keep it on all day. i'm pretty sure the reason why my head has been hurting me lately has to do with my lack of sleep due to sleeping without a cpap even though i recognized that my head stopped hurting when i got up, ate breakfast, and drank WATER. i also stretched my neck but i'm not sure if that had any influence on how my head felt- even though i suppose it would make sense. so now i've gotta wear this ring to sabathani when i go there to volunteer, oh well.. it's just like a plastic ring- it doesn't interfere with anything really. at first, i took the ring off and went to the bathroom and after the second time of going to the bathroom- i realized the ring is just plastic so there's no way it can get messed up by water, so i left it on when washing my hands. plus- the ics never told me that i couldn't get it wet- so i assume i'm fine.
when i had ics, the ics worker helped me check my champs account so a housing offer isn't just slipped under my awareness and so i don't lose an opportunity AGAIN for housing there. he seen that i'm still on the second to last stage for housing still. now i just have to continue to be patient until a housing offer comes up.
i think i may have recognized my mom and sister's obsessions with my blog account. it's not that they're genuinely interested/care what's going on with me. it's just because my mom is eager to see what life COULD be like IF she actually worked/lived somewhere other than her hometown in basically the same situation she came from- which she's NEVER done in her whole life (little honkey towns right next to your hometown don't count either- like new auburn or brownton) and my sister is eager to see what it's like to live anywhere other than with/by her mommy, with a HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA and actually living life. she can try to make it seem like we're alike ALL she wants but she's never actually been comatose, in a wheelchair for at least 15 years because her family is naive and just like sympathy and attention. she's never pushed herself to graduate and excel in any academics whatsoever. we don't have anything in common but the dna part of me i'm REALLY ashamed of. that's what you suckers get for being nosey. i'll be as honest as i have to, even if it bothers you. if you were smart- you'd ignore what i say (meaning not read it every damn day) and WORK on YOURSELVES. of course they're not smart- so they try to take the easy way out in life. so basically- they're just nosey cows.
i asked my therapist what to do about the interviews that i have tomorrow yesterday because they're so close together. she suggested that i go to the first one, then when that's done- call lyft and have them bring me directly to the second one. i might be there like 30 minutes early but now that i think about it- traffic usually tends to suck when i need to make it to interviews- so i'll probably be okay doing what my therapist told me to do.

running into the common problem of having nobody to help me in the way *I* need- *NOT* just what's convenient for others.

i got some more things done today. i called my community health worker and asked her if she knew who i could call to have them help me with my virtual interview. she told me to call my job coach.. i'm pretty sure my job coach is on vacation and she said someone would call me when she's on vacation to check in to see if i need help with anything and i'm pretty sure i don't remember anyone calling me. so i just did the virtual interview MYSELF the best i could and sent it in. i did everything they said in the directions- so hopefully it went through. they texted me saying my patience is appreciated while they review the results. they didn't say how they would contact me or even that they'd contact me with the results but i assume i'll find out somehow. i also have been thinking about how my next two interviews on wednesday are scheduled so close together and i hope that lyft won't fuck things up again. knowing my luck- they will. so i don't even know if i can count on attending any of my next interviews on wednesday. the good thing is- at least my therapist called me and scheduled a meeting with me in about an hour- so i can tell her about this and hopefully get some good advice on what to do about this problem. seeing as everyone just assumes i'm good relying on lyft for transportation when they can't even bring me to the appropriate destinations at the most critical times but just as long as i'm safe! i should be happy i get transportation even though it ruins a lot of opportunities for me! right amanda?! i belong at courage kenny where they do shit for their own convenience and don't even REALLY help me in the ways i need!.. story of my fuckin life. i'm stupid for expecting to actually be successful and satisfied with my life.. I DO HAVE A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY!.. right amanda? NOTHING THAT INCONVENIENCES YOU AND DON'T BENEFIT YOU!