lazy ics worker

alright. so i called the ics office to see if they'd have my ics session with me since NO ONE came to my apartment today at 9:30 am.. they didn't even call me. then abdul said, "IF the ics has time later- they can see you." well i just called them like 10 minutes ago to see if they'd have ics with me and the only worker it seems abdul answered and said, "well.. i don't have time now.." and then i said, "YOU SAID EARLIER THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO CALL LATER AND THE ICS WOULD HAVE A SESSION WITH ME." then he said, "yeah but you called me at the wrong time.." he does this shit to me all the time and if my case manager doesn't take care of this- i will call the case manager's supervisor and tell her about this. i just remembered i have a few cards from the state of minnesota who would probably be interested in the ics not doing their jobs to help a vulnerable adult when they're paid to help them. i know i must have at least two different cards (i think i lost the other ones) from different people from the state who came to visit me every now and then at my apartment.. i see why now. checking to see if people are actually doing their jobs. that more than likely explains these state of minnesota cards i found in my planner and couldn't remember who gave them to me- now i remember.

Appropriate way of speaking at certain times

i forgot if i pointed this out when speaking about how the guy for the tax verification job at thomson reuters asked me if there was something wrong with me yesterday.. THAT is just ONE of the MANY reasons why i don't "GOT THIS!".. when people inappropriately deal with me- like asking me disrespectful questions like that. i suppose he felt like he didn't really feel that he needed to take my feelings into consideration because i didn't have anyone like my job coach listening in on the conversation. i did tell my job coach that he asked me if anything was wrong with me and she said that was "mean" of him to ask me. like i said though- if they're going to think it's acceptable to ask their employees questions like that- i don't wanna work there anyway.

when you have a tbi- be prepared for people to take advantage of you and cancel ANY goals/plans you have for yourself.. ESPECIALLY IF YOU LIVE IN MINNESOTA!

i was supposed to have ics today at 9:30 am and i was unaware, i forgot to check my calendar to see when i was supposed to have it yesterday because i ASSUMED it'd be at like 5 today because i work from 3-5 today. however, i just looked at my calendar on my computer desk and i'm supposed to have it at 9:30 am this morning but *gasp*.. no one showed up OR called me! so i called the office immediately to see when i could have a session and unsurprisingly- abdul is working. i told the lady who is in charge of this ics program that abdul always tried to avoid having ics with me, it's like he assumes and takes advantage of the fact that most of the clients in this program skip their ics sessions because i'm assuming they don't wanna be bothered. I, on the other hand, have goals which i need assistance from a healthy body and i'm anxious to get them completed because sittin here is just wasting time. needless to say- i doubt the lady in charge of this ics program addressed my concerns about abdul trying not to have ics sessions with me- that moron is really the main ics worker here- so i'm not really getting anything done and God forbid anyone advocates for me because that would mean they'd have to go through the work of helping advocate for a vulnerable adult who lived through a car accident which NEARLY killed her but she worked her ass off in rehab. with the help of ARP therapy- became ambulatory (even though i lose my balance every now and then, it beats having a sore ass from sitting in the same place EVERY DAY). SO.. CONSIDERING SHE DID MANAGE TO BECOME AMBULATORY AGAIN.. SHE'S GOT THIS! 6 MONTHS IN A COMA, OVER 15 YEARS IN A DAMN ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIR, SHE'S GOT THIS! RIGHT AMANDA?! EVEN THOUGH NO ONE LISTENS TO HER AND TO PROVE THAT- I JUST STARTED TO WORK AN ACTUAL JOB (WITHOUT THE HELP OF MY GRANDMA NETWORKING FOR ME) SINCE IT WAS EASIER FOR EMPLOYERS TO TOSS MY APPLICATION RATHER THAN TO GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO ACTUALLY WORK! AMANDA DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT THOUGH.. SHE DOESN'T CARE EITHER BECAUSE IT'S EASIER FOR HER TO JUST EMPTILY SAY TO ME, "YOU GOT THIS!".. another reason why it's taking so fucking long to do ANYTHING. generally, when people are in car accidents (especially ones that cause a traumatic brain injury, nearly killing the person), their FAMILY helps to advocate for them and supports them.. my family? no.. "YOU GOT THIS!" is ALL the "support" i get. just because she doesn't agree with my goals and it'd actually take TIME along with CARE to help me successfully complete my goals- amanda doesn't have time or desire to do any of that and she can just make it make sense seeing as she doesn't agree with my goals. she wants me to live my life all the ways that her husband and her insult! it's easier for her, SO WHO CARES ABOUT STACY, RIGHT? SHE REFUSES TO GO TO THE COURAGE CENTER MINDLESSLY LIKE SHE TRIED TO GET ME TO DO BECAUSE IT'D GIVE HER SISTER-IN-LAW ANOTHER MINDLESS CLIENT AT THERAPY AT THE COURAGE CENTER EVEN THOUGH I MUST'VE WENT THERE FOR AT LEAST 20 FUCKING YEARS OF MY LIFE. I DON'T EVEN HAVE MY DRIVER'S LICENSE BACK AND I TOLD THEM WHEN I FIRST STARTED GOING THERE, THAT WAS ONE OF MY GOALS. so OF COURSE- THEY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY LACK OF ADVOCACY.. BECAUSE WHY NOT?! STACY IS STUPID WITH A TBI, SO WE'LL TRY TO MAKE HER DO REHABILITATION HER WHOLE FUCKING LIFE SINCE NO ONE IS ADVOCATING FOR HER! time to get ready for work.

on to other pathways..

so i just move onto the next possible job- an employer that i HAVE interviewed with at least twice before called me after thomson reuters and asked me to come to their eagan offices on wednesday to have an interview. i feel like i've interviewed with them a few times in the past and for some reason, i remember this mean girl who i met at camp courage working at one of their offices.. so i pretty much didn't put much confidence in getting and keeping that job when i interviewed with them that time- needless to say, they didn't call me back or they told me they found someone else. i should look for them work-try out flyers that my job coach gave me and i'm pretty sure most of the cards she gave me fell outta my bag.. i may have one or two of her business cards to call if they're interested but i need to look for those flyers. i feel like i have one or two of them in my bag that i bring to work.

i'm not to blame here.

alright.. i'm trying to take this assessment for some tax verification assistant job and i couldn't get the zoom meeting loaded on my desktop. so the guy who is giving me the assessment just called me and i said, "well, i have my email logged on my desktop and it's still not working.." then i went on my cell phone's gmail account and it worked there but it says the assessment must be taken on a laptop. so i assume a pc is the next best thing because i DO have THREE laptops sitting under my windows between my living room and kitchen but i'm trying to improvise to make it more convenient for me. then the guy pretty much put the nail in the coffin when he asked me if something was wrong with me, my speech is completely clear and i personally don't think anything sounds wrong with my tone of voice but i'm not really sure how some people think. i should've taken the hint when the guy asked me if something was wrong with me for no reason. accusing ME of having "something wrong" with ME when i was speaking clearly.. i'm not even sure if i wanna work for a place which is gonna jump to accusing me of having something wrong with ME when shit goes wrong. fredrick is gonna bring me to the mall now to go christmas shopping. i'll hopefully forget about this shit. i think i speak with my psychologist later, so maybe she can help me work it out (if not with job itself- but in my mind).

bloody hell

now i'm pretty sure i understand why rochelle was always so happy to get her period. i HATE my period- so when she used to always announce happily that she got her period to maurice and i, i was confused- then i just assumed it was because she was such a whore that it was just reassurance she wasn't pregnant. i hadn't got my period in a few months and i had a fear in the back of my mind that one of the stupid medicines i take caused me to be infertile.. i don't know of any of the pills i take having that side effect but with my luck- i'd run into one that they would just find out it causes infertility after it caused me to be infertile. that's not the case.. YET anyway, i found blood in the toilet tonight and i also was cautious because the last few times i had sex, the guy hadn't used a condom and i assumed i might be pregnant after a few months of not getting my period. so now i see why rochelle may have been happy to have her period- now that i experienced it personally. don't get me wrong here- i am by NO MEANS anxious to have a baby but i'd like to have the opportunity still available to me IF i ever found a guy worth it to me (which i haven't PERSONALLY yet, so i'm on the pill and i even asked my nurse if she made sure i got my birth control doses every day and she insisted that she always loads doses in my anodyne machine and i make sure i take my pills EVERY day whenever it tells me to). getting pregnant is just not one of my top priorities at this moment because i'm trying to get back on my feet and adding another life to take care of as a single mom would not be very easy for me and i would really prefer NOT to kill another fetus through abortion.

PASAPORTE!

i wrote a post before about how i just had ics and the guy helped me fill out and print off an application to get a passport because i told him that i wanted to take a trip to mexico and i told the travel pca who went with me to boston that i have joint citizenship but i was still unsure if this country would let me come back when i took the trip. she wasn't sure if they would, so i'm getting a passport just in case. i've always wanted to go to canada anyway and i'm sure i need a passport to do that.. so at least i'll be able to travel there also. close-minded fools are probably pissing their pants at the thought of me traveling to mexico even though THEY traveled there themselves- they had to have traveled there for me to be born in chichuahua. don't try to make me a hermit just because YOU are. you must think that YOU are the only one entitled to injure me so i have to have numerous surgeries, so there's absolutely no way i can go out because of the possibility of getting hurt. YOU CAN GET HURT ANYWHERE. the risk is higher for me here in this state in the area you live in because it's less diverse and more ignorant. you can deny that ALL you want but since YOU are NOT hispanic.. YOU DON'T HAVE ROOM TO TALK. I HAVE EXPERIENCED RACISM IN THE AREA/TOWN THAT YOU LIVE IN. you and amanda can doubt that ALL you want but NEITHER of you are hispanic.. SO YOU DON'T FUCKIN KNOW. at least on the east coast it's MORE DIVERSE. white people problems *rolls eyes* i wouldn't know about any of those. the day any of you can recognize the SHIT i've had to go through JUST because i'm hispanic- is the day i listen to you. seeing as that ain't ever gonna happen because you're careless bums- you both can shut the hell up and let me do my thang- seeing as amanda refuses to help me anyway like her aunt made me promise i'd wait for. IF my own grandma had confidence in me to successfully live where I want- doesn't it make sense for my grandma to let me make MY OWN DECISIONS and never put me in a group home mainly for the reason she didn't want ANYONE to take my rights and privileges away? she had confidence in me to live where I wanted- she even told me MANY times that she thought i had my head on my shoulders enough to make my OWN decisions. NOT MY MOMMY. NOT AMANDA. ME.

WHY SHOULD I REMAIN IN A STATE WHICH INTENTIONALLY REFUSES TO RECOGNIZE MY ABILITIES AND POTENTIAL?

i'm positive i've expressed my confusion about this before on my blog MANY times. SURVEILLANCE does NOT equal "support". i've been trying to move OUT of this state for 23 years. i even NEARLY died while in the process of it the first time. let's look at the obvious reasons for having the desire to move OUT of this state. there are NO opportunities for me here. "you have EVERYTHING you need here! i don't understand why you wanna move to new york."- amanda, a LONG time ago when she actually spoke to me back when i was living in the burnsville shithole. NONONO honey.. YOU have "everything" YOU need here. WE are NOT in the same boats with the same experiences and you don't care to recognize or empathisize from where I am coming from. the thought of how i'm wasting my time explaining myself to someone who doesn't have the mental capability to understand this just came to me again because i KNOW that i've explained this MANY times before on my blog. my family is so stupid and uncaring that they'd rather just read about me struggling than to actually SHOW they CARE by attempting to actually help me and advocate for me to get the things i need done to be TRULY happy. i don't even have my damn driver's license anymore.. but the great courage kenny has a driving program that will help me get it again! after being failed by them at least 3 times before.. i seriously doubt their so-called reputation of being considered so helpful. I'VE PAID FOR BEHIND-THE-WHEEL LESSONS LIKE THEY ADVISED ME TO DO AND THEY STILL FAILED ME. THEY'RE A JOKE OF A "REHABILITATION INSTITUTE" WHO ONLY HELPS PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY HAVE ADVOCACY. that's another reason i GAVE UP on this fucking state. they don't help me so i'm fully able to do EVERYTHING i'm FULLY CAPABLE of doing. I'M A CRAZY BITCH. I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO LOSE AND THOSE PEOPLE ARE THE MOST DANGEROUS. maybe if someone would actually help me so i have something to actually lose- I'D HAVE THE DESIRE TO LIVE HERE. my family is too fucking selfish and STUPID to realize that, if they pulled their heads outta their fucking asses- MAYBE THEY'D REALIZE THAT. "misery loves company".. WELL DICKS, NOT THIS COMPANY. THE MORE I REMAIN HERE- THE LESS I LOVE, CARE, OR EVEN WANT TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOU AGAIN. you're keeping a person who is capable of SO MUCH MORE because.. what? misery loves company. don't pretend like you actually care either because if you DID "care"- YOU'D KNOW THAT I WENT THROUGH EVERY LIVING SITUATION AND I'M NOT IMPRESSED WITH THIS PARTICULAR LOCATION/STATE AT ALL. i came outta my coma in a foster group home, then i moved back to my mom's place for my senior year of high school, then went to the courage center to live in the courage residence there then they found a shithole apartment to live in at minneapolis which was an assisted living program, then my grandma and her friend carol found me another apartment which was assisted living in burnsville, then i went to an ics apartment in st. paul which i stayed at for only like a year because i signed a lease, then i finally came here. PROOF I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE HERE in this STUPID STATE. my grandma CLAIMED amanda would have me in new york.. she made me promise her that i'd wait for amanda's negligent, arrogant ass to assist me to move SAFELY to new york.. IT'S BEEN TEN FUCKING YEARS SINCE SHE DIED (i just looked at her funeral announcement that i keep on my fridge). MORE PROOF THAT MY FAMILY DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME AND IS SELFISH! if they HONESTLY don't understand why i want to move.. they're incredibly STUPID. by now.. amanda's hoping that jem is already married and has a family.. so i lost the reason of why i wanna move there. THERE ARE MORE OPPORTUNITIES THERE. YOUR STUPID ASS IS JUST DEPENDING ON SOME SHITTY EXCUSE OF A "REHABILITATION" CENTER TO DISTRACT ME MORE FROM ACTUALLY LIVING A REAL LIFE- NOT DEPENDING ONLY ON FUCKIN GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE BECAUSE THAT'S ALL YOU ASSUME I'M CAPABLE OF. WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND. YOU'LL FIND YOURSELF FORCED TO DOWNGRADE YOUR FUCKING POTENTIAL AND CAPABILITY ONE DAY. WE'LL SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT.

true intentions and goals

one of the ladies who's in charge of this ics program that i'm in is coming to my place to discuss my goals. i'm pretty sure i'm moderately set on my goals. they may have kinda changed a little because housing in new york seems to be so difficult to get- so i'm probably gonna settle for boston which seems to be a more cleaner environment anyway. i've been seeing the traffic go up on my blog lately. the person who is bored enough to read what i say every day is NOT the person i suspect is responsible for these. i suspect my ex doug is responsible for these views because it's christmas time and he figures that since my family don't give a fuck about me- i'm desperate for company on the holidays, so he assumes i go over to his sister's place again and go through the insults from his brother in-law about how i eat and his sister immaturely laughing at the bullying basically provoking laughing at a disabled woman who has had NUMEROUS surgeries on her palate, so closing my mouth while chewing and breathing isn't ALWAYS the easiest thing for me all the time. seriously.. he couldn't even stick up for me while his sister was laughing her ass off at me while her husband was bullying me. if you can't respect me- i'm not gonna waste my time on you.. i don't give a fuck if i'm alone during the holidays.. it's better than having people laugh at you for something you really can't control. plus, i'm sure he just assumes that i don't have anything better to do, so i'll be anxious to do whatever he wants. i must be his broom or something that he assumes he can pick up and use, then put it down whenever is good for him. i kinda suspected he'd be trying to talk to me during this time because i always end up buying him a present when i go to his house, so i'm like a little santa claus to him. since i KNOW he reads this blog, i don't really understand why he doesn't get the picture that I'M TAKEN. not interested in you. especially NOT because when we were together- i distinctly remember you angering me when i was at your place a few times, to the point i was gonna reserve a lyft ride to pick me up at your place. you don't give a fuck about MY feelings. you prided yourself at screaming at me how i'd never make it to new york whenever you got pissed at me. what is that the thing that stupid people jump to when attempting to insult me/make me feel bad? "YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT TO NEW YORK." bitch, i don't forget shit.. it doesn't matter if i do have a brain injury. you can't talk to me however the fuck you want WHEN you want, and just assume i'll just be your girlfriend again. LIKE I SAID- I'M TAKEN AND AS TEMPTING AS IT SOUNDS TO JUST DUMP MY BOYFRIEND FOR SOME RACIST, DISRESPECTFUL PRICK- I'M NOT GONNA DO IT.
in other news- i just met with the lady who is gonna be in charge of this ics program and i told her that i want to get a passport because when i was just in boston with the travel pca, i was telling her how i wanted to go to mexico for my 40th birthday and i assumed i'd be okay for mexico to allow me in the country but the travel pca said that the united states may not let me return, even if i AM a dual citizen with mexico.. especially not with the wanna-be fat ass of a DICKTATER in the white house right now. my ex can go make some other chickenhead watch gordo making presidential speeches. people must think i forget about what i say on the computer and/or they DON'T care because they don't value what i think or say. i have better things to do besides deal with you assholes. go screw yourself.

new goggles!

i forgot to mention that yesterday fredrick took me to pick up my new glasses. they fit fine.. however, i'm unsure if they may need to still be adjusted because i'm not sure the bi-focals are in the correct position. it may just take some time getting used to having bi-focals, so i didn't say anything to the optometrist. it's not bothering me to the point that i have a headache or anything yet.. so i assume i probably just need to get used to the bi-focals.
there's not much to do here on thanksgiving.. so i'll probably just do my stretches and lift weights like usual. i get the feeling amanda thinks i don't do anything to stay fit just because she assumes i'm stupid because i have a traumatic brain injury- so i need courage kenny to tell me how to do things. she OBVIOUSLY doesn't REALLY care about me if she's so quick to underestimate me just to benefit her in-law who she definitely HASN'T known as long as she's known me but that doesn't seem to matter to her.. probably explains the lack of care for me. i'm OBVIOUSLY doing SOMETHING right if i haven't had to be hauled to a damn nursing home because i don't know how to take care of myself and i haven't developed any conditions or diseases like diabetes. i also have only had to go to the emergency room and have the ambulance take me there once while living at this apartment because of my blocked bowel (actually.. now that i think about it- one of the ics workers may have brought me because i remember telling them my side hurt and they didn't really hesitate to bring me straight to the emergency room).. so it's not like that was MY fault.. it's not like I held myself in front of my dad before he kicked at my mom SELFISHLY. and yes.. i DID look up the causes of a blocked bowel after i had surgery and google said that bowel obstructions are caused by trauma caused to the abdomen/bowel region.. *gasp* you mean like being KICKED when your mother narcissistically holds their infant daughter in front of their dad while he's kicking and beating on her, so he ends up kicking the infant in the ABDOMEN REGION (considering i WAS just sitting at my computer, not turning when i first felt the pain which resembled a baby kicking my abdomen and i hadn't had sex in probably at least 5 months when i felt this pain)?! yeah probably. i had to have a surgery on my bowel when it was PERFORRATED after he kicked me (because my mom was using ME as a shield to block his kicks) while my dad was angry and i assume drunk. the doctors asked my grandma if i had trauma on my stomach region and my grandma just said "no" condoning the shitty ass parenting of my parents. my mom won't be satisfied until she sees me as a vegetable, so there's absolutely no chance that i can do better than her and she gets attention from people assuming that she's "caring" because narcissists don't like seeing people close to them doing well in life. OH LOOK! ANOTHER reason why i need to be FAR away from her as possible- so her jealous ass doesn't cause me anymore pain! the only condition/disease i really need to keep my eye on is my osteoporosis because i really prefer NOT to drink milk- which is why i take TWO calcium supplements a day. so hopefully i'm not as bad as i could be. my grandma always used to express her concern about me "breaking a hip" during the winter when the previous caretaker of the shithole apartment i used to live in at burnsville would never salt or shovel the damn parking lot of the apartment. i don't weigh that much- so it'd just be a bunch of bones breaking if i were to fall. i got my dad's metabolism- so i can't gain weight for shit- literally, because it ALL ends up in the toilet. fredrick made ugali for me last night or the night before and that shit is supposed to make you fat from what i read and how i used to gain weight when i'd eat it, then i think i got sick when i had my last surgery on my bowel/intestines and i lost A LOT of weight when i got outta the hospital. i think and hope i'm slowly gaining it back now. i remember how my grandma tried to reassure me by saying, "oh stacy.. i don't think you'll EVER be fat in your whole life.." i kinda doubt it too, considering i have MY DAD's metabolism.. at least he gave me that.

DO YOUR DAMN JOB AND BE *HELPFUL*, NOT SELFISH AND ENABLING.

i'm almost positive i must've brought this up before considering it HAS been 10 YEARS, 3 MONTHS, AND 4 DAYS since my grandma died and amanda STILL has NOT helped me get my driver's license back, along with a vehicle I could drive, and she has NOT got me moved to new york (i'd settle for boston or another east coast city) like my grandma used to claim to me EVERY night amanda would do for me when she died. the courage center failed me THREE TIMES during my behind-the-wheel test to get my driver's license again EVERY TIME with the comment "needs more therapy". they're basically admitting they aren't an adequate rehab. facility who takes advantage of people lacking advocacy. i've seen people who can't fucking walk get their driver's licenses from courage kenny.. did THEY tell THEM they needed "more therapy" in order to get their driver's license? NO. BECAUSE THEY HAD THEIR PARENTS TO ADVOCATE FOR THEM. POOR EXCUSE OF AN ADVOCATE IS WHAT I HAVE. i took their advice and PAID for behind-the-wheel driving lessons (i even asked brian to pay for it and after the guy giving me the lessons told me i was absolutely safe to drive- brian claimed he couldn't legally pay for a vehicle for an unlicensed driver)- the guy told me i was absolutely safe to drive independently. courage kenny is just desperate for clients who happen to lack advocacy and they get plus points because i'm optimistic and persistent. they know that- so they're trying to get as much money outta me putting me on useless machines and discouraging me from walking independently because that would mean they'd lose money from a client who lacks advocacy and is driven. i don't know how ANYONE can live with themselves having the knowledge they're discouraging a person from progressing and reaching their true capability JUST so they can appear "supportive" and "caring".. IT'S BEEN TWENTY THREE FUCKING YEARS SINCE I LAST HAD MY DAMN LICENSE. I'M CONTEMPLATING TALKING TO AMY AND GETTING A *NEW* ADVOCATE WHO ACTUALLY FUCKING CARES AND ACTUALLY FUCKING HELPS ME IN LIFE. NOT THIS "YOU GOT THIS!" BULLSHIT. IT'S BEEN 23 FUCKING YEARS- DON'T YOU FUCKING THINK I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING I COULD DO WITHIN MY ABILITY TO GET MY DAMN LICENSE AND MOVE TO THE EAST BY NOW?! LAZY AND NEGLIGENT IS WHAT YOU ARE. i'm NEVER going to forgive YOU or my grandma for this shit my whole life. EVERYTHING IS NOT JUST THAT FUCKING EASY FOR ME- I AM A VULNERABLE ADULT FOR THE MILLIONTH FUCKING TIME. the government and public in general DON'T allow me to have the same damn rights as the healthy, normal person. YOU INSINUATE THAT YOU'RE SO FUCKING SMART. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT. even my psychologist was surprised at how naive you are. she asked me a while ago, "has she ever worked with people with brain injuries before?" i said, "no. but she acts like she knows everything- so it doesn't matter." then my psychologist just said quietly, "okay.." i don't wanna overwhelm the person i have in mind to take your place but you're pushing me to ask them. my grandma probably enticed you by saying, "YOU'LL GET MONEY IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO HER!" .. i highly doubt that because i made my will and you aren't on it. plus, i'm pretty damn healthy.. just a crazy bitch. you know that but your confidence is probably just in the "crazy" part.. again.. my intelligence is underestimated because according to dr. amanda, a traumatic brain injury makes you stupid.. ever heard of steven hawking? he was thought to be one of the most intelligent physicist but oh!.. HE WAS IN A WHEELCHAIR! i don't know why i'm telling your smart ass any of this.. YOU SHOULD KNOW IT! SINCE YOU'RE SO SMART AND YOU APPARENTLY KNOW THAT WASTING MY TIME BEING UNDERESTIMATED AND KEPT FROM SHOWING WHAT I'M REALLY CAPABLE OF AT COURAGE KENNY IS BEST FOR ME! they took advantage of my lack of advocacy LONG ENOUGH. you're a failure. i can't trust you, so i'm really considering telling amy i want a new advocate. everyone is enabling this neglect and abuse- IT'S NOT FAIR. it pisses me off that I was NOT even DRINKING or driving the car in the car accident i was involved in. proof of that would be how messed up i got in the accident compared to the driver (who is still able to walk and consciously act normal because ALCOHOL PARALYZES YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM IN TRAUMATIC EVENTS- i learned that from when i gave speeches for Mothers Against Drunk Driving for their victim impact panel, so i caught the brunt of the accident). THE DRIVER HAS HAD HIS DAMN DRIVER'S LICENSE BACK FOR AT LEAST 10 YEARS NOW. why's that? HE'S A NEW YORKER WITH A FAMILY THAT ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT HIM. two things i definitely LACK.

still looking..

i got up relatively earlier than usual this morning for a customer service job zoom meeting. in the zoom meeting, he said they have a few different jobs you could pick to work. i checked sales, management, and one other one i can't think of right now.. i think it might've been marketing? then before i had the zoom meeting, some other guy called me telling me about some data entry job. i think the data entry job was a contract job for a few months. i'm pretty sure that i can find out for sure in the email he sent me. i feel like i've said this before but because i'm sure amanda doesn't give a shit what i say- i'll reiterate this- courage kenny did NOT get me hired at sabathani community center.. i got hired from networking at another volunteer job for PHILANDO CASTILE, a BLACK man who was killed by police. he is like my guardian angel. he was a school cook when he was alive- so i'm almost positive a school cook can't be that dangerous. however- i'm sure amanda's redumplikkkan ass has other thoughts. i think about this home i pass every time i go to work at sabathani, i think it may be a few streets down from sabathani which has "STOP KILLING MY NEIGHBORS" on the fence in front of the house. the first time i seen that, i felt like bawling.. tears came to my eyes. it's pretty fuckin sad that officers feel like they can kill black men at the drop of a hat and get away with taking another HUMAN BEING'S LIFE, ESPECIALLY since they're INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY IN A COURT OF LAW. guess it's this thing that amanda seems to be missing which people who actually have RESPECT have- EMPATHY. go take your white people beliefs to a different cousin and you guys can have a good ol honkey cook-out! the courage center didn't help me with SHIT except to help me see how the disabled population get shitty care if they don't have ADVOCACY and how much they get taken advatage of. which kinda makes sense seeing as my grandma was a big supporter of me going to courage kenny but then *GASP* she died! which opened the door for underestimating me to take advantage of me lacking advocacy. i'm NOT going back there even if amanda CLAIMS she'll be my advocacy.. yeah.. you'll be my advocacy alright whenever it's CONVENIENT for YOU. i feel like i've heard that shit before. I USED TO CRY TO MY GRANDMA ALL THE DAMN TIME WHILE I WAS GOING TO COURAGE KENNY BECAUSE IT FELT LIKE I WAS WASTING MY TIME AND LIFE DOING SHIT THAT WAS TOO EASY FOR ME AND NOT PROGRESSING, SO THEY COULD KEEP A MINDLESS CLIENT.. MY GRANDMA FOOLISHLY CLAIMED THAT AFTER SHE DIED- I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO TO COURAGE KENNY ANYMORE- AMANDA WOULD GET ME LIVING INDEPENDENTLY IN NEW YORK! *ROLLS EYES AND YAWNS* congratulations! you made me realize my grandma was an overconfident crazy old liar! in the back of my mind i hear "so that's where you got it from!".. *sigh* you are so completely selfish, don't even try to make it look like you're "helping" me anymore because you NEVER have helped me actually progress in life. i won't forgive my grandma or you for this shit ever. go pretend to support charity or courtney.. missy's stupid ass needs someone acting like they're setting her bigot ass straight. telling them that i mentioned them on my blog will NOT solve anything either considering i didn't say anything about them that they didn't know. they can insult me for being unemployed again!.. ah wait.. that won't work considering i have a job. oh well. they can insult me for being handicapped since they like to insult shit that a person really can't control. *claps* SEE HOW MUCH SUPPORT AND CARE I RECEIVE FROM MY RELATIVES (ON MY MOM'S MOM'S SIDE)?! no wonder why i've always wanted to get my ass OUT of this state.