this is what i get for attempting to be prepared without looking at *ALL* the details FIRST.

damnit. i accidentally scheduled ANOTHER hair appointment before seeing that i already scheduled one yesterday for thursday. i think that might explain why they were charging me at least $100 for not showing up at the appointment i couldn't go to because my issues with lyft and i don't think my card was working properly at the time of the last appointment if i remember right. this is just some of the shit i'm forced to go through not being able to drive MYSELF and relying on lyft for all my damn rides. one naive person may be saying, "OH! JUST USE METRO MOBILITY LIKE ALL THE OTHER HANDICAP PEOPLE!" those dicks made me miss at least two concerts- so i lost money on the cost of the tickets all because the driver either left me or said he came and never did and when i called metro mobility to get another ride- they acted like they didn't have any open buses or cars. if you don't believe me- i'm sure if you search back in my blog, i bitched about it on several entries. WHO CARES THOUGH! IT'S NOT OUR MONEY OR PROBLEM, RIGHT AMANDA AND AMY?! IT'S THAT MENTALLY HANDICAP GIRL STACY'S PROBLEM! JUST MAKE HER WASTE ALL HER MONEY SO SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO BOTHER US ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE!! RIGHT?!

what a surprise.. can't do anything that will progress me..

it's so depressing to be kept from doing something you KNOW you're capable of doing. i'm referring to driving a vehicle. zen just met with me and he said, "well.. you took your cognitive test didn't you?" and then i said, "pfft.. yeah." then he said, "did you pass it?" (i'm sure he knows the answer to this question, so it was more or less rubbing it in my face) and i said, "no." then he said, "well if a medical professional says you can't drive- there's nothing i can do about it." i actually feel like i've taken a few before. i could've sworn that my care coordinator said that there was something else we could do to fight it but i was just like, "nah. not right now." so me being so laid back is gonna cost me. nobody gives a shit because it's NOT THEIR situation/problem. just ANOTHER fucking thing that was taken from me. DO YOU GUYS WANT ANYTHING ELSE OR ANY OTHER PRIVILEGES/RIGHTS I WAS GIVEN TO TAKE FROM ME?! amanda and my mom won't be satisfied until i'm in a damn nursing home so they can get all the attention and sympathy they can get from others when THEY DON'T DO A DAMN THING TO HELP ME. i had my other interview which was virtual today. i told the guy about my work history and he told me about the company. i'm not sure i sprung interest in hiring me. i still got the interview on wednesday with a hotel.. so hopefully i actually interest them in hiring me then. i thought they may have been interested in hiring me since i thought i interviewed with them before but i may be just imagining this to give myself a better attitude about getting hired.

TRY *EMPATHY* FOR *ONCE*!.. you might gain some intelligence.

i have another job interview tomorrow on zoom tomorrow. i think it's an administrative assistant position if i remember right.. could be a receptionist job. i need to check for sure later. i would have liked to stuck at sabathani but the supervisor never returned my call about some lady asking if i took aptitude or skills tests so they could know better which position would be appropriate for me. he told me to call him if i had any problems- so i just assumed he'd actually help me and be more proactive about it.. he's probably really busy though. i also received a report on how my trust is doing in the mail yesterday. at least i see that i'm not losing money (i'm pretty sure anyway.. i didn't gain a lot but at least i didn't lose money- with that said- i don't see ANY reason why i wouldn't be able to take a trip to mexico and see where i was born.. i have a passport and i haven't gotten to really take any trips and put it to use- so it was basically a waste of money if nobody assists me in actually fucking using it). i have an in-person interview later on this week and i'm pretty sure that's the woman who said my skills matched the position at the hotel for the job i'm having an in-person interview with.. it also sounds familiar- so i'm not sure if this is a second in-person interview.. i'm pretty sure this job is the job where they said i already interviewed with them and they have a position for me now at the hotel. i need to look at my messages again to be sure. "an idle mind is the devil's playground." that quote pretty much sums up the problem i come across personally. being in a boring ass state like minnesota doesn't help for me either. so i'm always trying to keep myself busy and i honestly can't think of a better way and a way i can be constructive than work a job. it pisses me off that people just assume i'm not capable of working because it's more convenient for them if i stay unemployed on social security.. what does my employment have ANYTHING to do with YOUR life? it doesn't. how would you like to be seen as a mentally disabled rehabilitation tool when you've ALREADY spent at least 4 or 5 fuckin years of your life at some overrated rehabilitation institute which just gets their business taking advantage of people who lack advocacy or people who are rich with advocacy. amanda probably thinks, "i don't know what she's complaining about! i'd love to not have to worry about paying for things and going to work out at courage kenny!" how would you like other people to treat you like you were too stupid and weak to do anything and take ALL your privileges away then tell you that you're too handicapped to do them?! you're lying if you said you wouldn't mind. ESPECIALLY if you KNOW you're capable of MORE but IT'S TOO FUCKING INCONVENIENT FOR ANYONE TO ADVOCATE FOR YOU AND MAKE SURE YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE CAPABLE OF. THAT'S WHERE I'M AT RIGHT NOW.

their definition of "care" has to do about what's *CONVENIENT* for them MORE than anything.

i'm watching 50 first dates on tv for probably the millionth time and i find some similarities between my own situation and what happens to drew barrymore on the movie. she was injured in a car accident also and has a traumatic brain injury as a result and her family basically gaslights her into thinking nothing went wrong, so she doesn't have to deal with the difficulties a person with a tbi usually has to deal with. i can see my family doing this to me if they had the opportunity if so many memories didn't surround me which contrast the truth. it's also why i haven't gotten MORE done with my life to rehabilitate myself. paying attention to my problems requires too much time and care for it to be convenient or beneficial for them. at least drew barrymore on the movie HAS her damn driver's license. BET THEY MADE HER WASTE HER TIME AND LIFE AT COURAGE KENNY IN ORDER TO GET IT! RIGHT AMANDA?! courage kenny also played a role in GASLIGHTING me because most, if not all, of my cell phone videos of me in rehabilitation practicing walking when i was going there are DELETED from facebook and they treat me like they have to put me BACK on all them easy machines which my living room wall could operate when i went there because God forbid, i made ANY progression because then i wouldn't need to pay them anymore to "help" me do the SAME SHIT i've been doing for years and think i'm actually getting stronger. so- AGAIN.. for my mental health- i'm choosing to avoid going to that overrated pathetic excuse of a "rehabilitation" facility. so with that said- family is SUPPOSED to be SUPPORTIVE and NOT enabling gaslighting of the family member who they SUPPOSEDLY "care" about just for their own fucking convenience. it's unbelievable and incredibly SAD that i have to put up with this kind of abuse after EVERYTHING i've been through- "recovering" from my tbi is more depressing and stressful than the ACTUAL accident itself. the only family member who has WILLINGLY and GENUINELY been there for me is joe. the rest of my family were all basically forced by my grandma to help or "care" about me.
i got up earlier than usual this morning to have a phone interview with someone about a hotel front desk position because they had told me they read my resume on ziprecruiter. they were going through the tasks of the particular position and i said, "i'm sure i can do all of the things you listed." then the lady went into the hours i'd need to work and it didn't sound like part-time hours, so i asked her if this was a part-time position and she said, "no.. it's full time." then i said, "well, i'm sorry. i can only work part-time." and she said, "oh. okay. have a good day." i have this same problem ALL the time and i always make sure it's part-time i'm looking into- i'm not sure if the employer just tries to slip people into a full-time position without really knowing what they're REALLY getting into? trust me. if i could work full time- i'd be all in. it's something to do with how much government assistance i get and not really if i could physically handle the work. God forbid a vulnerable adult gets the same opportunities as a regular person. ah well. just gonna have to keep at it. i might be the age of retirement by the time someone actually gives me a shot.

the long process of looking for a job..

so i interviewed for a front desk position at a hotel this week and they told me they'd get back to me on indeed and said they were still going through applicants. so at least they're keeping me updated on my application status and not just leaving me with my hopes up wondering what's going on. douglas came over last night and we were discussing about how i went to interviews at a hotel and a healthcare program. he told me to just keep applying, eventually someone will come around. he could also relate to my frustration of applying to jobs and going to numerous interviews- only for them to tell me they wanted to go another route in hiring. he told me that he did the exact same thing before he finally found his recent job. i was thinking back and i thought he asked me why i didn't get responses from jobs sooner when applying for them because when he applied for jobs- they'd always tell him if he got the job around the same day of the interview. it might've been someone else that told me that, even though i'm almost positive it was him. at least he realizes that i'm actually trying to get hired because of all the interviews i have. i'm sure many people just assume i sit at home watching tv, on facebook, or doing something else unproductive during the day. that used to bother me until i realized what they think won't really change what i'm ACTUALLY doing during the day. they can think whatever they want. they seem to be worried about what I am doing MORE than i am worried about it. kinda surprising they don't have anything better to do than worry about what someone who is minding their own damn business is doing. also sad but it's not my problem. i read part of my book today about how people admire people who actually do what they say they're going to do rather than people who it takes longer for them to do things because they care what others think so much. i could care less what people admire but it irritates me that i'm sure the only reason why people read my blog is to monitor me, so they can say they actually keep in contact with me- so people will think they ACTUALLY talk and interact with me on a daily basis which couldn't be FURTHER from the TRUTH. point is- i don't need people carelessly surveillancing me when i'm a GROWN PERSON, who i GUARANTEE they could NEVER handle HALF the shit i've been through. i got myself this fucking far in life and I'M NOT STOPPING OR GOING BACKWARDS FOR ANYONE'S CONVENIENCE OR BENEFIT. this is MY LIFE. not amanda's. not my mom's. not fat amy's. those are just three of the people who i believe spy on me and they try to make it seem like it's for my own good when it's really because they have NOTHING BETTER to do! go read a book. seeing as i know my mom is capable of reading when she wants- it shouldn't be hard for her! i gotta get ready to go to spanish now..

some observations.

i'm pretty sure i'm gonna get a new financial worker because i was laying in bed this morning thinking about it AGAIN. she wouldn't pay for me to get a ticket to get the apartment in concord- so i lost my opportunity there. i think i only have 2 opportunities left, then i need to re-register for the housing or i'm not sure if i'm eligible anymore. i also asked her if she could buy some tickets for a trip to mexico because i've always wanted to return to the place i was born. i have a passport, so i'll at least be able to re-enter this country without problems. she told me that i shouldn't take a trip this year because i went to boston last year. when brian used to be my financial worker, he helped me take a trip EVERY year. so either she's just trying to make it seem like my account is actually making money by reducing my spending and limiting what i use MY OWN money for or she's trying to hide the fact that she's not doing her job efficiently, so in results- my account isn't gaining money and if anything- it's losing money.. which i really don't think it should be if they actually invested my money proficiently and wisely. i think back to when my grandma was alive and she had my money with wells fargo and the trustee there used to share with me how my stocks were doing which probably explained why he was actually doing his job CORRECTLY and making me money. can't count on amanda to do that for me.. I GOT THIS! A VULNERABLE ADULT WITH A TBI TELLING A TRUSTEE HOW TO DO THEIR JOBS! RIGHT.. *rolls eyes* trying to cover your entitled careless mindset. maybe they teach how to invest and gain money in the salon! YOU GOT THIS! i'm not talking about purchasing hair products for your damn salon anymore either. it's not my fault you chose a profession that can't pay for their own damn tools to make them successful.

i feel like i repeat what i've been through at least three times a week.. maybe if people ACTUALLY cared about ME- i wouldn't have to do so?

i was thinking and i'm wondering if amanda TRUTHFULLY believes courage kenny helped me get to where i am now.. courage kenny was more concerned about covering their sad excuse of a "rehabilitation" institute (more like MENTAL institute because they cause a sane person who is just looking to rehabilitate CRAZY). i can't forget that my grandma PROMISED me that amanda wouldn't have me go to courage kenny anymore after she died because she'd be busy getting me to ny! i just looked at my grandma's funeral announcement and it says she died on august 22, 2015.. so it's been NEARLY ELEVEN YEARS. am i in new york? no.. do i have my driver's license and a vehicle i can drive (like my grandma CLAIMED amanda told her she'd help me get again)? no.. SHE'S DONE A WHOLE LOTTA NOTHING FOR ME. the furthest i could manage to get independently was my driver's permit. i took NUMEROUS behind-the-wheel classes (one of them said i was safe to drive and take the behind-the-wheel test) and i took that overrated excuse of a rehab. "institute"'s behind-the-wheel test two or three times. they FAILED me EVERY time- with the comment "needs more therapy". IF I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS SHIT ONE MORE TIME- I'M GONNA GO NUTS. DID THEY TELL JAMES, WHO IS A PARAPLEGIC AND CAN'T WALK BUT HE DRIVES A CAR, THAT HE NEEDED MORE "THERAPY" BEFORE THEY GAVE HIM HIS LICENSE? i think not. he HAS advocacy who ACTUALLY cares about him- so of course they told him he could drive. i've went to courage kenny from the time i was 19 until about 34.. I THINK I GOT ENOUGH FUCKIN THERAPY. AMANDA DOESN'T CARE AND IS JUST TRYING TO FIND ANY OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK GOOD AND FOR IT TO ACTUALLY BENEFIT HER. HER SISTER-IN-LAW HAPPENS TO WORK AT COURAGE KENNY! HOW PERFECT! NOW SHE CAN PRETEND TO ACTUALLY BE "SUPPORTIVE" OF ME WHILE CAUSING ME TO GO BACK IN MY REHABILITATION PROGRESSION SO SHE CAN LOOK GOOD TO HER IN-LAWS! ROCK ON! NOBODY REALLY CARES ABOUT STACY ANYWAY! SHE'S MENTALLY HANDICAPPED! RIGHT AMANDA? THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE ME FEEL. THAT'S NOT HOW FAMILY WORKS. family is supposed to be caring and supportive. NOT JUST to what benefits them.. ESPECIALLY NOT a person who has spent at least 15 years in a fucking wheelchair and were in a damn coma for 6 months. the most that overrated pile of shit of a rehabilitation center did for me was find my first apartment in minneapolis for me. that apartment had mice, bed bugs, roaches, you name it- it probably had it. i suppose anything is better than a place just concerned on taking advantage of their clients who are vulnerable adults and without advocacy. the past times i had to go to the emergency room, i tried calling amanda and her mom just to let them know where i was- did any of them return the call and check on me? hell no. so i told my cousin joe the last time i was in the hospital and having surgery on my bowel.. he even did a video chat with me for a few minutes to check how i was doing since i was being released from the hospital before he could come see me personally. THAT is how a truly CARING family member treats their family members. i read this post about how people were saying they had to tell people how to treat them who are older than them. i know EXACTLY how that feels. i got to the condition i'm in now with the help of tram holloway, who my grandma went out and found to ACTUALLY help me get outta my wheelchair because she realized how courage kenny wasn't truly helping me, he came to my place in burnsville and did arp treatment on me and i went to his offices for a while. courage kenny just gave me somewhere to practice walking- i realized i could do everything they were "helping" me with at my own apartment and i stopped wasting my time there. i remember filling out a goals chart when i first started going there and i put that i wanted to get my driver's license again and i wanted to walk without a wheelchair. so they took the opportunity to take advantage of my lack of helpful advocacy and failed me all the times i took the behind-the-wheel test there so i'd have to keep attending their overrated sorry excuse of a "rehabilitation" institute. my family cares about me so much they just assume all i'm capable of doing is attend an overrated excuse of a rehabilitation institute. that's ALL my mom, sister, and all my other (except joe and jay) relatives ask me about when i speak to them- assuming i'll think they actually care about me if they ask about the only thing they think they know i'm capable of doing. when i showed up at courage kenny without a walker, wheelchair, or anything else helping me to walk- kevin (my therapist at courage kenny) had told me not to return to courage kenny without something assisting me to walk because of liability. i never came close to falling when walking there ever- so that told me enough about their sorry excuse of a "rehabilitation" center and IF i'm EVER forced to go there again- i'll act like a maniac and the cops will be forced to remove me. don't put anything past me. my grandma used to always tell me, "where there's a will there's a way". that's the quote that motivates me and has got me this far. so it might be a good idea for amanda to ACTUALLY do what she told my grandma she'd do? that IS OF COURSE ONLY if she REALLY CARES about me. SHE'S MORE CONCERNED ABOUT HER IN-LAWS! YOU KNOW- THE PEOPLE WHO AREN'T MENTALLY HANDICAPPED! although, now that i think about it- my grandma was telling me how the son of her neighbor who is mentally handicapped (the son is) was driving now because her neighbor's wife helped him get it. so it IS possible for mentally handicapped people to drive.. so you lost your excuses not to help me get it again.. you're just a selfish, naive relative to me. the only reason i haven't killed myself yet is because i have a suspicion you'll try to get what money i have left even though i put in my will to give it all to my brother when i die.

damn genetics causing LACK of sleep.

i had a hell of a hard time sleeping last night AS USUAL (i'm almost positive that my mom passed her shitty sleeping patterns down to me because she'd complain about migraines and i'm sure they came from lack of sleep along with being dehydrated since all she drinks is pepsi.. no water). besides my shitty ass genetics- my cpap wasn't working properly and i couldn't really sleep because i was breathing wrong as usual. then, fredrick came to work at like 6 and he fixed it as well as he could but the piece of shit was still making vibrating noises when i'd put the mask on my face. so, that was distracting and i couldn't really sleep because of that noise it was making. fredrick went to the store and told me he'd take me to sabathani and take me home after. so now i'm in an even worse mood, since i barely got any sleep and i need to go to sabathani to volunteer. i'm pretty sure i won't take it out on anyone there though because i feel like i've had to go there tired a million times before. i remember telling douglas he shouldn't come over to my place yesterday because i "wanted to get my sleep" because i was going to sabathani today.. so i'm not really sure there would've been much of a difference in how awake i feel today at sabathani.

*NOT* really an "interview" but hopefully i get the job!

i just got back from the interview at the motel.. i wouldn'tve actually considered it an actual "interview" persay. i walked into the motel, told her i was there for an interview, she told me to go to an area and we'd talk there. i waited about 5-10 minutes while she checked people in and she came over to me and handed me some papers and told me to fill them out. i filled them out and told her i was done, then walked and handed them to her. the form referred to me as the "employee" so i'm not sure if that's a sign i got the job and they just needed to see my resume and if i could be present at an "interview" or maybe it was so they could see what kind of person i was who entered in the resume. in the back of my mind, i feel like this might give them an opportunity to discriminate against me because i use a cane? maybe i'm just being paranoid. while i was waiting for her and while she was checking people in, i thought about how i should've just walked without the cane just for this "interview" and that way they couldn't know how disabled i was to discriminate against me but then i heard some guest say the headboard fell off in their room.. so i'm not exactly sure this is the nicest motel- shit happens though.. everything falls apart all the time but i don't really think the nicest motels have this going on there. who knows? it might be a nice place. i only got to sit at the tables at the little cafe they have there to wait for the lady to hand me some papers i filled out and signed. after i filled them out, i walked to hand them to her and she held the paper out reading it.. i'm not sure if she was doing that because she couldn't read my handwriting (although fredrick just complimented me on my handwriting the other week) or if she had problems with her eyes- so she had to hold it away from her to read it, i'm not really sure why she did that but she never told me she couldn't read it- so i shouldn't really think too much into this. she told me they'd contact me about the "next steps".. so i'm kinda thinking that all they needed was a resume and to see if someone would actually show up. although- i was just trying to remember back and it feels like i've filled out papers to work at a motel before where they referred to me as the "employee" on the form but i think that was the hotel where they tried to stick me in a different position than what i applied for and it turned out to be more physical work than what i applied for- so i quit (also because the guy training me in was some old guy gossiping about he didn't know how the supervisor expected him to train me because "look at her {me}!" it didn't strike me as a very welcoming environment to be employed at). although some other lady who worked there said they needed help during the weekends at the front desk and they didn't understand why the supervisor stuck me in the breakfast duty when that wasn't what i interviewed for. i probably should've stuck it out and told the supervisor about the guy who trained me in and how he was talking about me to the other workers at the front desk but i thought maybe they'd ignore it outta senority because i'm pretty sure the guy told me he had worked that job for a long time. that's one thing my psychologist complimented me on today- i ACTUALLY try to do jobs before assuming i can't do them without even trying first. don't get me wrong- i know my limits and i highly doubt they'd even give me a shot at working this job if they thought i couldn't handle it.
oh yeah.. i forgot to mention that i asked zen about calling some insurance company in massachusetts to make sure i could get insurance and he told me we already did that a while ago and they said i'm eligible for their insurance- i just needed to get an address in massachusetts. so that takes away a reason why i wouldn't be able to move there. the only thing i think i need is housing, which the ics workers are trying to assist me with.

another interview

i got a text message from some lady from a hotel here in st. paul asking about if i could come in for an interview either today at 4:30 or tomorrow. i immediately assumed it was too short of notice if i interviewed today but then i was having my session with my psychologist and i was checking my text messages and i was reminded of the request for an interview today by the hotel. i told my psychologist about it and i said, "i just told asked them if i could do tomorrow because it's so short notice and i'm not sure when we'll be done." then she said, "oh well.. you go to sabathani on tuesdays from 3 to 5 and so you'd probably need to leave sabathani tomorrow at 4 if you're still gonna go there.." then i said, "ah yeah. that's right. do you think i'd still have time to go today?" then she said, "yeah. we'll be done in like 15 minutes.. you should leave here at 4 if you wanna get there on time with traffic." so i looked at the text message that the lady sent me and i found her phone # there, so i called and arranged an interview today about 20 minutes ago. while i was looking for the hotel's #, i looked at reviews for the hotel just like the last hotel i interviewed at and i found a review saying they killed a roach and another bad review i can't remember. this EXACT same thing happened to me last week when i went to my last interview- i looked at reviews of the hotel and they had bad reviews. so i'm not sure if there's someone who always posts bad reviews about hotels because i had a similar experience when i interviewed at the last place (i looked at the reviews after i had the interview last week though). we'll see. there's only one way to find out and that's myself. i don't really feel like changing into my work suit now though- so hopefully they won't pay too much attention to my wardrobe. it's not bad.. just every day clothes and not professional like i'd usually dress for work.

i'm not even gonna waste my time attempting to explain.

i don't really think my family really understand (or care, for that matter) about the abuse and everything i've already done in my life to get past it. they don't realize how I was KICKED by my own father because my mom decided to place me in front of her to block him from kicking HER. i've had NUMEROUS dreams reminiscing this shitty-selfish parenting ALONG with a few surgeries as a RESULT of it. i'm sure a lot of my family members think my mom isn't capable of doing something like this because she's handicapped and slow- so people with that intelligence are too stupid to do something this horrible. EXPLAIN THE DREAMS AND THE DAMN SURGERIES. she's NEVER brought it up to me before in my whole life.. probably because she's ashamed and doesn't have any excuses for her selfishness. her only defense is dead now- so the abuse can no longer be condoned. my grandma told me a long time ago that my dad was chased to mexico for beating on my mom by my grandpa. i'm sure she couldn't defend my mom using me as a shield while my dad kicked her, so she claimed that my mom had me in her arms and "turned to get away from him as he was kicking her to get stacy away from poncho (my grandma always called my dad "poncho"- his name was really alfonso) and he ACCIDENTALLY kicked stacy." HOWEVER.. my dreams remember differently. my mom DID have me in her arms but she placed me in front of my dad while he was kicking her, nanchalantly acting like she was trying to show him that he should calm down because I was there. i'm gonna have to believe my dreams and i told my brother about it and he said, "yeah. that sounds like something mom would do." so EVEN he believed my dreams. this destroys amanda's plans to selfishly not assist me to move somewhere i'm TRULY happy and successful and her plans to keep me as depressed and dependent on government assistance as possible because then she wouldn't have to do anything to help me because she can just neglectfully "encourage" me with "YOU GOT THIS!" and just pay attention to me when it's convenient and/or beneficial for HER even though this IS MY life.. NOT WHATEVER'S MORE CONVENIENT FOR AMANDA AND/OR MY NEGLECTFUL MOM WHO ONLY ACTS LIKE SHE "CARES" WHEN IT MAKES HER IMAGE LOOK GOOD OR WHEN IT'S BENEFICIAL FOR HER. i've gone through more anxiety and depression AFTER my accident then during the actual fuckin accident in THANKS to my LACK of "support" and my family (EXCEPT FOR JOE AND JAY). THANKS A LOT YOU SELFISH PRICKS! i'm not gonna tell you to put yourself in my shoes because that's "empathy" which is obviously too difficult of a quality for you idiots to understand. empathy requires intelligence which my family (except for joe and jay) OBVIOUSLY lacks.