PASAPORTE!

i wrote a post before about how i just had ics and the guy helped me fill out and print off an application to get a passport because i told him that i wanted to take a trip to mexico and i told the travel pca who went with me to boston that i have joint citizenship but i was still unsure if this country would let me come back when i took the trip. she wasn't sure if they would, so i'm getting a passport just in case. i've always wanted to go to canada anyway and i'm sure i need a passport to do that.. so at least i'll be able to travel there also. close-minded fools are probably pissing their pants at the thought of me traveling to mexico even though THEY traveled there themselves- they had to have traveled there for me to be born in chichuahua. don't try to make me a hermit just because YOU are. you must think that YOU are the only one entitled to injure me so i have to have numerous surgeries, so there's absolutely no way i can go out because of the possibility of getting hurt. YOU CAN GET HURT ANYWHERE. the risk is higher for me here in this state in the area you live in because it's less diverse and more ignorant. you can deny that ALL you want but since YOU are NOT hispanic.. YOU DON'T HAVE ROOM TO TALK. I HAVE EXPERIENCED RACISM IN THE AREA/TOWN THAT YOU LIVE IN. you and amanda can doubt that ALL you want but NEITHER of you are hispanic.. SO YOU DON'T FUCKIN KNOW. at least on the east coast it's MORE DIVERSE. white people problems *rolls eyes* i wouldn't know about any of those. the day any of you can recognize the SHIT i've had to go through JUST because i'm hispanic- is the day i listen to you. seeing as that ain't ever gonna happen because you're careless bums- you both can shut the hell up and let me do my thang- seeing as amanda refuses to help me anyway like her aunt made me promise i'd wait for. IF my own grandma had confidence in me to successfully live where I want- doesn't it make sense for my grandma to let me make MY OWN DECISIONS and never put me in a group home mainly for the reason she didn't want ANYONE to take my rights and privileges away? she had confidence in me to live where I wanted- she even told me MANY times that she thought i had my head on my shoulders enough to make my OWN decisions. NOT MY MOMMY. NOT AMANDA. ME.

WHY SHOULD I REMAIN IN A STATE WHICH INTENTIONALLY REFUSES TO RECOGNIZE MY ABILITIES AND POTENTIAL?

i'm positive i've expressed my confusion about this before on my blog MANY times. SURVEILLANCE does NOT equal "support". i've been trying to move OUT of this state for 23 years. i even NEARLY died while in the process of it the first time. let's look at the obvious reasons for having the desire to move OUT of this state. there are NO opportunities for me here. "you have EVERYTHING you need here! i don't understand why you wanna move to new york."- amanda, a LONG time ago when she actually spoke to me back when i was living in the burnsville shithole. NONONO honey.. YOU have "everything" YOU need here. WE are NOT in the same boats with the same experiences and you don't care to recognize or empathisize from where I am coming from. the thought of how i'm wasting my time explaining myself to someone who doesn't have the mental capability to understand this just came to me again because i KNOW that i've explained this MANY times before on my blog. my family is so stupid and uncaring that they'd rather just read about me struggling than to actually SHOW they CARE by attempting to actually help me and advocate for me to get the things i need done to be TRULY happy. i don't even have my damn driver's license anymore.. but the great courage kenny has a driving program that will help me get it again! after being failed by them at least 3 times before.. i seriously doubt their so-called reputation of being considered so helpful. I'VE PAID FOR BEHIND-THE-WHEEL LESSONS LIKE THEY ADVISED ME TO DO AND THEY STILL FAILED ME. THEY'RE A JOKE OF A "REHABILITATION INSTITUTE" WHO ONLY HELPS PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY HAVE ADVOCACY. that's another reason i GAVE UP on this fucking state. they don't help me so i'm fully able to do EVERYTHING i'm FULLY CAPABLE of doing. I'M A CRAZY BITCH. I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO LOSE AND THOSE PEOPLE ARE THE MOST DANGEROUS. maybe if someone would actually help me so i have something to actually lose- I'D HAVE THE DESIRE TO LIVE HERE. my family is too fucking selfish and STUPID to realize that, if they pulled their heads outta their fucking asses- MAYBE THEY'D REALIZE THAT. "misery loves company".. WELL DICKS, NOT THIS COMPANY. THE MORE I REMAIN HERE- THE LESS I LOVE, CARE, OR EVEN WANT TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOU AGAIN. you're keeping a person who is capable of SO MUCH MORE because.. what? misery loves company. don't pretend like you actually care either because if you DID "care"- YOU'D KNOW THAT I WENT THROUGH EVERY LIVING SITUATION AND I'M NOT IMPRESSED WITH THIS PARTICULAR LOCATION/STATE AT ALL. i came outta my coma in a foster group home, then i moved back to my mom's place for my senior year of high school, then went to the courage center to live in the courage residence there then they found a shithole apartment to live in at minneapolis which was an assisted living program, then my grandma and her friend carol found me another apartment which was assisted living in burnsville, then i went to an ics apartment in st. paul which i stayed at for only like a year because i signed a lease, then i finally came here. PROOF I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE HERE in this STUPID STATE. my grandma CLAIMED amanda would have me in new york.. she made me promise her that i'd wait for amanda's negligent, arrogant ass to assist me to move SAFELY to new york.. IT'S BEEN TEN FUCKING YEARS SINCE SHE DIED (i just looked at her funeral announcement that i keep on my fridge). MORE PROOF THAT MY FAMILY DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME AND IS SELFISH! if they HONESTLY don't understand why i want to move.. they're incredibly STUPID. by now.. amanda's hoping that jem is already married and has a family.. so i lost the reason of why i wanna move there. THERE ARE MORE OPPORTUNITIES THERE. YOUR STUPID ASS IS JUST DEPENDING ON SOME SHITTY EXCUSE OF A "REHABILITATION" CENTER TO DISTRACT ME MORE FROM ACTUALLY LIVING A REAL LIFE- NOT DEPENDING ONLY ON FUCKIN GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE BECAUSE THAT'S ALL YOU ASSUME I'M CAPABLE OF. WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND. YOU'LL FIND YOURSELF FORCED TO DOWNGRADE YOUR FUCKING POTENTIAL AND CAPABILITY ONE DAY. WE'LL SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT.

true intentions and goals

one of the ladies who's in charge of this ics program that i'm in is coming to my place to discuss my goals. i'm pretty sure i'm moderately set on my goals. they may have kinda changed a little because housing in new york seems to be so difficult to get- so i'm probably gonna settle for boston which seems to be a more cleaner environment anyway. i've been seeing the traffic go up on my blog lately. the person who is bored enough to read what i say every day is NOT the person i suspect is responsible for these. i suspect my ex doug is responsible for these views because it's christmas time and he figures that since my family don't give a fuck about me- i'm desperate for company on the holidays, so he assumes i go over to his sister's place again and go through the insults from his brother in-law about how i eat and his sister immaturely laughing at the bullying basically provoking laughing at a disabled woman who has had NUMEROUS surgeries on her palate, so closing my mouth while chewing and breathing isn't ALWAYS the easiest thing for me all the time. seriously.. he couldn't even stick up for me while his sister was laughing her ass off at me while her husband was bullying me. if you can't respect me- i'm not gonna waste my time on you.. i don't give a fuck if i'm alone during the holidays.. it's better than having people laugh at you for something you really can't control. plus, i'm sure he just assumes that i don't have anything better to do, so i'll be anxious to do whatever he wants. i must be his broom or something that he assumes he can pick up and use, then put it down whenever is good for him. i kinda suspected he'd be trying to talk to me during this time because i always end up buying him a present when i go to his house, so i'm like a little santa claus to him. since i KNOW he reads this blog, i don't really understand why he doesn't get the picture that I'M TAKEN. not interested in you. especially NOT because when we were together- i distinctly remember you angering me when i was at your place a few times, to the point i was gonna reserve a lyft ride to pick me up at your place. you don't give a fuck about MY feelings. you prided yourself at screaming at me how i'd never make it to new york whenever you got pissed at me. what is that the thing that stupid people jump to when attempting to insult me/make me feel bad? "YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT TO NEW YORK." bitch, i don't forget shit.. it doesn't matter if i do have a brain injury. you can't talk to me however the fuck you want WHEN you want, and just assume i'll just be your girlfriend again. LIKE I SAID- I'M TAKEN AND AS TEMPTING AS IT SOUNDS TO JUST DUMP MY BOYFRIEND FOR SOME RACIST, DISRESPECTFUL PRICK- I'M NOT GONNA DO IT.
in other news- i just met with the lady who is gonna be in charge of this ics program and i told her that i want to get a passport because when i was just in boston with the travel pca, i was telling her how i wanted to go to mexico for my 40th birthday and i assumed i'd be okay for mexico to allow me in the country but the travel pca said that the united states may not let me return, even if i AM a dual citizen with mexico.. especially not with the wanna-be fat ass of a DICKTATER in the white house right now. my ex can go make some other chickenhead watch gordo making presidential speeches. people must think i forget about what i say on the computer and/or they DON'T care because they don't value what i think or say. i have better things to do besides deal with you assholes. go screw yourself.

new goggles!

i forgot to mention that yesterday fredrick took me to pick up my new glasses. they fit fine.. however, i'm unsure if they may need to still be adjusted because i'm not sure the bi-focals are in the correct position. it may just take some time getting used to having bi-focals, so i didn't say anything to the optometrist. it's not bothering me to the point that i have a headache or anything yet.. so i assume i probably just need to get used to the bi-focals.
there's not much to do here on thanksgiving.. so i'll probably just do my stretches and lift weights like usual. i get the feeling amanda thinks i don't do anything to stay fit just because she assumes i'm stupid because i have a traumatic brain injury- so i need courage kenny to tell me how to do things. she OBVIOUSLY doesn't REALLY care about me if she's so quick to underestimate me just to benefit her in-law who she definitely HASN'T known as long as she's known me but that doesn't seem to matter to her.. probably explains the lack of care for me. i'm OBVIOUSLY doing SOMETHING right if i haven't had to be hauled to a damn nursing home because i don't know how to take care of myself and i haven't developed any conditions or diseases like diabetes. i also have only had to go to the emergency room and have the ambulance take me there once while living at this apartment because of my blocked bowel (actually.. now that i think about it- one of the ics workers may have brought me because i remember telling them my side hurt and they didn't really hesitate to bring me straight to the emergency room).. so it's not like that was MY fault.. it's not like I held myself in front of my dad before he kicked at my mom SELFISHLY. and yes.. i DID look up the causes of a blocked bowel after i had surgery and google said that bowel obstructions are caused by trauma caused to the abdomen/bowel region.. *gasp* you mean like being KICKED when your mother narcissistically holds their infant daughter in front of their dad while he's kicking and beating on her, so he ends up kicking the infant in the ABDOMEN REGION (considering i WAS just sitting at my computer, not turning when i first felt the pain which resembled a baby kicking my abdomen and i hadn't had sex in probably at least 5 months when i felt this pain)?! yeah probably. i had to have a surgery on my bowel when it was PERFORRATED after he kicked me (because my mom was using ME as a shield to block his kicks) while my dad was angry and i assume drunk. the doctors asked my grandma if i had trauma on my stomach region and my grandma just said "no" condoning the shitty ass parenting of my parents. my mom won't be satisfied until she sees me as a vegetable, so there's absolutely no chance that i can do better than her and she gets attention from people assuming that she's "caring" because narcissists don't like seeing people close to them doing well in life. OH LOOK! ANOTHER reason why i need to be FAR away from her as possible- so her jealous ass doesn't cause me anymore pain! the only condition/disease i really need to keep my eye on is my osteoporosis because i really prefer NOT to drink milk- which is why i take TWO calcium supplements a day. so hopefully i'm not as bad as i could be. my grandma always used to express her concern about me "breaking a hip" during the winter when the previous caretaker of the shithole apartment i used to live in at burnsville would never salt or shovel the damn parking lot of the apartment. i don't weigh that much- so it'd just be a bunch of bones breaking if i were to fall. i got my dad's metabolism- so i can't gain weight for shit- literally, because it ALL ends up in the toilet. fredrick made ugali for me last night or the night before and that shit is supposed to make you fat from what i read and how i used to gain weight when i'd eat it, then i think i got sick when i had my last surgery on my bowel/intestines and i lost A LOT of weight when i got outta the hospital. i think and hope i'm slowly gaining it back now. i remember how my grandma tried to reassure me by saying, "oh stacy.. i don't think you'll EVER be fat in your whole life.." i kinda doubt it too, considering i have MY DAD's metabolism.. at least he gave me that.

DO YOUR DAMN JOB AND BE *HELPFUL*, NOT SELFISH AND ENABLING.

i'm almost positive i must've brought this up before considering it HAS been 10 YEARS, 3 MONTHS, AND 4 DAYS since my grandma died and amanda STILL has NOT helped me get my driver's license back, along with a vehicle I could drive, and she has NOT got me moved to new york (i'd settle for boston or another east coast city) like my grandma used to claim to me EVERY night amanda would do for me when she died. the courage center failed me THREE TIMES during my behind-the-wheel test to get my driver's license again EVERY TIME with the comment "needs more therapy". they're basically admitting they aren't an adequate rehab. facility who takes advantage of people lacking advocacy. i've seen people who can't fucking walk get their driver's licenses from courage kenny.. did THEY tell THEM they needed "more therapy" in order to get their driver's license? NO. BECAUSE THEY HAD THEIR PARENTS TO ADVOCATE FOR THEM. POOR EXCUSE OF AN ADVOCATE IS WHAT I HAVE. i took their advice and PAID for behind-the-wheel driving lessons (i even asked brian to pay for it and after the guy giving me the lessons told me i was absolutely safe to drive- brian claimed he couldn't legally pay for a vehicle for an unlicensed driver)- the guy told me i was absolutely safe to drive independently. courage kenny is just desperate for clients who happen to lack advocacy and they get plus points because i'm optimistic and persistent. they know that- so they're trying to get as much money outta me putting me on useless machines and discouraging me from walking independently because that would mean they'd lose money from a client who lacks advocacy and is driven. i don't know how ANYONE can live with themselves having the knowledge they're discouraging a person from progressing and reaching their true capability JUST so they can appear "supportive" and "caring".. IT'S BEEN TWENTY THREE FUCKING YEARS SINCE I LAST HAD MY DAMN LICENSE. I'M CONTEMPLATING TALKING TO AMY AND GETTING A *NEW* ADVOCATE WHO ACTUALLY FUCKING CARES AND ACTUALLY FUCKING HELPS ME IN LIFE. NOT THIS "YOU GOT THIS!" BULLSHIT. IT'S BEEN 23 FUCKING YEARS- DON'T YOU FUCKING THINK I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING I COULD DO WITHIN MY ABILITY TO GET MY DAMN LICENSE AND MOVE TO THE EAST BY NOW?! LAZY AND NEGLIGENT IS WHAT YOU ARE. i'm NEVER going to forgive YOU or my grandma for this shit my whole life. EVERYTHING IS NOT JUST THAT FUCKING EASY FOR ME- I AM A VULNERABLE ADULT FOR THE MILLIONTH FUCKING TIME. the government and public in general DON'T allow me to have the same damn rights as the healthy, normal person. YOU INSINUATE THAT YOU'RE SO FUCKING SMART. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT. even my psychologist was surprised at how naive you are. she asked me a while ago, "has she ever worked with people with brain injuries before?" i said, "no. but she acts like she knows everything- so it doesn't matter." then my psychologist just said quietly, "okay.." i don't wanna overwhelm the person i have in mind to take your place but you're pushing me to ask them. my grandma probably enticed you by saying, "YOU'LL GET MONEY IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO HER!" .. i highly doubt that because i made my will and you aren't on it. plus, i'm pretty damn healthy.. just a crazy bitch. you know that but your confidence is probably just in the "crazy" part.. again.. my intelligence is underestimated because according to dr. amanda, a traumatic brain injury makes you stupid.. ever heard of steven hawking? he was thought to be one of the most intelligent physicist but oh!.. HE WAS IN A WHEELCHAIR! i don't know why i'm telling your smart ass any of this.. YOU SHOULD KNOW IT! SINCE YOU'RE SO SMART AND YOU APPARENTLY KNOW THAT WASTING MY TIME BEING UNDERESTIMATED AND KEPT FROM SHOWING WHAT I'M REALLY CAPABLE OF AT COURAGE KENNY IS BEST FOR ME! they took advantage of my lack of advocacy LONG ENOUGH. you're a failure. i can't trust you, so i'm really considering telling amy i want a new advocate. everyone is enabling this neglect and abuse- IT'S NOT FAIR. it pisses me off that I was NOT even DRINKING or driving the car in the car accident i was involved in. proof of that would be how messed up i got in the accident compared to the driver (who is still able to walk and consciously act normal because ALCOHOL PARALYZES YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM IN TRAUMATIC EVENTS- i learned that from when i gave speeches for Mothers Against Drunk Driving for their victim impact panel, so i caught the brunt of the accident). THE DRIVER HAS HAD HIS DAMN DRIVER'S LICENSE BACK FOR AT LEAST 10 YEARS NOW. why's that? HE'S A NEW YORKER WITH A FAMILY THAT ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT HIM. two things i definitely LACK.

still looking..

i got up relatively earlier than usual this morning for a customer service job zoom meeting. in the zoom meeting, he said they have a few different jobs you could pick to work. i checked sales, management, and one other one i can't think of right now.. i think it might've been marketing? then before i had the zoom meeting, some other guy called me telling me about some data entry job. i think the data entry job was a contract job for a few months. i'm pretty sure that i can find out for sure in the email he sent me. i feel like i've said this before but because i'm sure amanda doesn't give a shit what i say- i'll reiterate this- courage kenny did NOT get me hired at sabathani community center.. i got hired from networking at another volunteer job for PHILANDO CASTILE, a BLACK man who was killed by police. he is like my guardian angel. he was a school cook when he was alive- so i'm almost positive a school cook can't be that dangerous. however- i'm sure amanda's redumplikkkan ass has other thoughts. i think about this home i pass every time i go to work at sabathani, i think it may be a few streets down from sabathani which has "STOP KILLING MY NEIGHBORS" on the fence in front of the house. the first time i seen that, i felt like bawling.. tears came to my eyes. it's pretty fuckin sad that officers feel like they can kill black men at the drop of a hat and get away with taking another HUMAN BEING'S LIFE, ESPECIALLY since they're INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY IN A COURT OF LAW. guess it's this thing that amanda seems to be missing which people who actually have RESPECT have- EMPATHY. go take your white people beliefs to a different cousin and you guys can have a good ol honkey cook-out! the courage center didn't help me with SHIT except to help me see how the disabled population get shitty care if they don't have ADVOCACY and how much they get taken advatage of. which kinda makes sense seeing as my grandma was a big supporter of me going to courage kenny but then *GASP* she died! which opened the door for underestimating me to take advantage of me lacking advocacy. i'm NOT going back there even if amanda CLAIMS she'll be my advocacy.. yeah.. you'll be my advocacy alright whenever it's CONVENIENT for YOU. i feel like i've heard that shit before. I USED TO CRY TO MY GRANDMA ALL THE DAMN TIME WHILE I WAS GOING TO COURAGE KENNY BECAUSE IT FELT LIKE I WAS WASTING MY TIME AND LIFE DOING SHIT THAT WAS TOO EASY FOR ME AND NOT PROGRESSING, SO THEY COULD KEEP A MINDLESS CLIENT.. MY GRANDMA FOOLISHLY CLAIMED THAT AFTER SHE DIED- I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO TO COURAGE KENNY ANYMORE- AMANDA WOULD GET ME LIVING INDEPENDENTLY IN NEW YORK! *ROLLS EYES AND YAWNS* congratulations! you made me realize my grandma was an overconfident crazy old liar! in the back of my mind i hear "so that's where you got it from!".. *sigh* you are so completely selfish, don't even try to make it look like you're "helping" me anymore because you NEVER have helped me actually progress in life. i won't forgive my grandma or you for this shit ever. go pretend to support charity or courtney.. missy's stupid ass needs someone acting like they're setting her bigot ass straight. telling them that i mentioned them on my blog will NOT solve anything either considering i didn't say anything about them that they didn't know. they can insult me for being unemployed again!.. ah wait.. that won't work considering i have a job. oh well. they can insult me for being handicapped since they like to insult shit that a person really can't control. *claps* SEE HOW MUCH SUPPORT AND CARE I RECEIVE FROM MY RELATIVES (ON MY MOM'S MOM'S SIDE)?! no wonder why i've always wanted to get my ass OUT of this state.

interesting..

i made an observation on my way home from work today in the lyft vehicle while the driver said to me, "man.. this traffic is bad. have you ever seen anything so bad in your life?" then i said, "hm.. maybe a long time ago but i don't think it was at night like this." then he said, "i've never seen anything this bad since i lived here." i assume he came from africa because his reaction to the snow was similar to fredrick's reaction to the snow when i first met him a long time ago. i made the observation that no one had said that i sounded grumpy or mad ever while answering the phone at my job yet and i've been there a few months. i'm kinda surprised at that because i remember my grandma telling me NUMEROUS times when i used to speak to her on the phone every night when she was still alive that i needed to start sounding nicer because she said that i always sounded so grumpy. NO ONE has EVER told me that i sounded "grumpy" or mean or any other unpleasant mood while speaking to them on the phone at my job. i was thinking of the cause of why i might have sounded so unpleasant and pissed off to my grandma and all i can think of is because of my living situation at that current time. i was unemployed and living in a subsidized dump that my grandma claimed no one would help her move me from. that's kinda odd seeing as when she died, i asked my case manager at the time if he'd move me and he got right on it. my family was just forcing me to live based around their own fucking convenience. WTF IS NEW? that apartment and living situation was MISERABLE for me and i'm NEVER going back. this is MY life. NOT AMANDA'S. NOT MY DUMBASS MOM'S. NOT MY STUPID SISTER'S. MINE. if i ever get forced to go back there and/or back in my progression in life- you're not going to have a very happy stacy. AS IF YOU CARE. IT TOOK ME LONG EFUCKINGNOUGH TO GET MY ASS OUT OF THAT SHITHOLE AND TO FINALLY NETWORK A JOB THROUGH MY VOLUNTEERING FOR PHILANDO. MORE PROOF HE'S MY GUARDIAN ANGEL. THIS IS MY LIFE. NOT AMANDA'S. NOT MY MOM'S. JUST SO THEY CAN APPEAR SUPPORTIVE TO THEIR IN-LAWS LIKE THEY ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT MY FUCKING GOOD. NOT TO GET EVERYONE'S ATTENTION LIKE YOU'RE AN ACTUAL "SUPPORTIVE" AND LOVING PARENT- BECAUSE YOU AREN'T. the only fuckin reason why i ever used to come home every other weekend is because GRANDMA was alive and she threatened you if you didn't take me to your house. it's not like you gave a fuck anyway- i had to sit ALONE at your place while you went to the bar all the time until i told grandma that you used to make me sit at your house alone. she came into town for a while and sat with me while you went to the bar like the wannabe bar rat you are. then, she started to have you just take me to her house to see her and stay with her on the weekends. i might have a brain injury but i remember shit that happened after my accident pretty damn well now. might be because i continue being traumatized as long as i'm in this state. i sound more happier because i actually feel CONSTRUCTIVE now that i'm not just going to some sad excuse of a "rehabilitation" center like a mindless rehabilitation tool which purposely doesn't recognize my TRUE POTENTIAL AND ABILITY. therefore- I WASN'T GETTING ANYWHERE- which pleased my family since they're not going anywhere themselves and MISERY LOVES COMPANY. i definetely don't recommend trying to get me to go back to that sad ass excuse of a "rehabilitation center"- courage kenny because i WILL act like a maniac and make sure i get kicked outta there. don't put it past me. don't EVER put ANYTHING past me. i promise you, i'll act like a maniac and make you regret even trying to look like you were "helping" me (because you AREN'T. this is MY life. NOT YOURS to have me do the shit you never would've wasted your time on but since it's not you- WHO GIVES A SHIT?!). i heard one of my past care coordinators claim i was all bark and no bite. interesting. we'll see about that. don't push it. i don't have anything left to lose and chances are you do.. so we'll see about that.

getting mixed up on my schedule..

i asked fredrick if he'd take me to get my glasses and he told me on thursday he'd take me. i just looked at the calendar and it's thanksgiving day on thursday, so i doubt they'll even be open. i just looked at my calendar again and i thought i remembered the spanish tutor saying something about not having class on friday like usual.. i gotta check with her because that'd be my only free day this week- although maybe i'd be able to pick them up in the afternoon on wednesday? i forgot i had physical therapy this morning, so i missed that at about 8 am this morning. i think i forgot to set my alarm. damnit. then later, i have to leave for work at about 1:30 i think.. since i always come too early or late because i get the correct times i gotta be there mixed up half the time and/or traffic. and a solution to this problem would NOT be to just force me to go to the waste of space AND time institute known as courage kenny so i wouldn't have any responsibilities whatsoever and they could just continue to discourage me from doing anything to progress so they could have another mindless client WITHOUT advocacy- so they'd be able to make money off of me doing the same unhelpful shit while everyone THINKS they're ACTUALLY helping. JUST UNDERESTIMATE the clients without advocacy! THEY'RE TOO STUPID TO FIND ADVOCACY AND/OR PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THEM- LET'S JUST TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT! ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE PERSISTENT AND MOTIVATED! i'm SICK of that shit. plus, it just takes away from the possibility of actually gaining work experience to actually make something of my life. DOESN'T CONCERN AMANDA AND/OR THE REST OF MY FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE)! IT'S NOT THEIR PROBLEM! STACY'S "GOT THIS!!" that's like pushing a person in a canoe without paddles or oars in the middle of a lake and expecting them to steer the damn boat, of course screaming at them "YOU GOT THIS!" because SOMEHOW that'll actually fuckin help them. *rolls eyes* they're too ignorant to give a damn- JUST AS LONG AS THEY APPEAR "SUPPORTIVE" TO THEIR IN-LAWS AND OTHER PEOPLE STUPID ENUGH TO BELIEVE THEY'RE DOING WHAT THEY TOLD MY GRANDMA THEY'D DO. i'm NEVER going to respect you as long as you live for not doing what you claimed you'd do. stop trying to take advantage of the fact my grandma is dead and can't back me up here. i'm not kissing your ass for support. FAMILY SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT. JUST AS LONG AS IT'S CONVENIENT AND/OR BENEFICIAL TO YOU THOUGH! STACY IS STUPID! SHE HAS A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY! THAT MEANS SHE'S STUPID! NO ONE LISTENS TO HER ANYWAY! IF MY MOM AND THE REST OF MY FUCKING FAMILY REALLY CARED ABOUT ME- THEY'D BE EAGER TO HELP ME IN A WAY THAT WOULD ACTUALLY HELP ME IN LIFE. NOT WHAT'S MORE CONVENIENT FOR AMANDA AND/OR HER IN-LAWS TO MAKE THEM LOOK GOOD. HAVEN'T YOU IDIOTS EVER HEARD OF "MENTAL HEALTH" BEFORE?! MINE IS ALWAYS ABOUT TO EXPLODE BECAUSE YOU PRICKS ASSUME YOU KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR ME- WHICH COINCIDENTALLY IS WHATEVER IS MORE CONVENIENT OR BENEFICIAL FOR YOU. i don't know how much more of this shit i can take. THIS IS WHY I GO CRAZY WHEN I'M NOT OCCUPIED/CONSTRUCTIVE. AND NOT WITH THOSE STUPID ASS MACHINES MY LIVING ROOM WALL COULD OPERATE.

HOPEFULLY this helps!

my job coach came today and we were looking for jobs, then she said to me, "here's something you can give the employers next time you have an interview.." then she handed me a paper advertising a job try-out program that my employment coach's company pays for. her supervisor told me about this program at the last 30 day (or something like that) meeting with my job coach, her supervisor, and i. he said, "you've been applying to all these jobs- so that's not the problem. it should help to show the employer you have potential and ability to work the job. accord pays for this program for a client to try out a job." i remember him bringing it up a long time ago and nothing happened for the longest time- so i almost gave up on the idea until she gave me the paper today. now i just need to find employers actually interested in hiring me. HOPEFULLY people will at least have confidence in my potential to do a job, seeing as i DO have the drive and potential to work. i've never missed a day of work that wasn't excused in my whole life.
the vision center that i just went to a few weeks ago for a vision check-up called me today and said my new glasses were in and i could pick them up. so these glasses should help more than my previous glasses because they're actually bi-focals and i won't have to lift my glasses every time i'm reading.

of course she's a liar! she voted for grump!

about an hour after the vikings got done shitting on themselves, some guy i had started talking to a long time ago and just stopped (i honestly don't remember where he went, i had assumed that i bitched at him and scared him off for some reason because he had given me his phone number and when i called it like 2 or 3 times and asked for him, the person said, "who? they don't live here. wrong number." i told him they said that when i called that number and he said, "oh.. i got a new phone and number. here it is." then he called me personally, so i could add it and he told me his name was "polo".. alright- so i'm not really sure of his real name. the guy had claimed his name was "Myron" before.. guess we just get to pick our own names when we get sick of them?
i've been thinking of something the pca who went with me to boston said, she said, "well.. minnesota has affordable resources.. more affordable than new york.." then i said, "well, minnesota also has MY MOM, who i'm sure people assume she's more caring and supportive of me because we're both in the same state. when i was younger, she was holding me while my dad kicked her and she basically turned and used ME as a shield.. i don't wanna deal with that shit anymore. she doesn't care about me and my family just condones it." then the pca said, "well you wouldn't have to live in the same area or talk to her all the time." so basically like my situation with her now. i can't remember the last time i seen her because she refuses to drive down to st. paul because she "doesn't like driving in the cities". i just don't like that she takes advantage of people's assumptions that she's actually caring and supportive of me because that's how my grandma was to me. whatever though. i'll just continue to be HONEST about how close and supportive my mom and amanda aren't to me. I'M FUCKING DONE WITH THAT RIDICULOUS EXCUSE OF A "REHABILITATION INSTITUTE" KNOWN AS COURAGE KENNY BECAUSE THEY HONESTLY DIDN'T RECOGNIZE MY POTENTIAL AND ABILITIES TO DISCOURAGE ME, SO THEY'D CONTINUE HAVING A MINDLESS CLIENT THEY COULD TAKE ADVANTAGE OF BECAUSE THEY LACK ADVOCACY. it's basically THEIR fault it took me so long just to find a damn job- so now i also lack work experience! that doesn't matter to amanda though! AS HANDICAP AND UNABLE AS I CAN BE SO I REMAIN DEPENDANT ON GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE, SO I REMAIN IN THIS STATE BECAUSE AMANDA WAS BITCHING ABOUT HOW PEOPLE ALWAYS CAME TO THIS STATE TO DEPEND ON OUR SOCIAL SECURITY AND WELFARE BECAUSE WE GIVE OUT THE MOST MONEY IN THIS STATE!- which, by the way, i CHECKED on PERSONALLY when i asked a case manager a long time ago about this and they said that wasn't true. it's based on cost of living and so i'm almost positive the eastern states would pay MORE since it costs more to live there. ANYMORE LIES, EINSTEIN?! SINCE AMANDA KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING and i don't know anything because i'm STUPID with a traumatic brain injury (which amanda insinuates).