searching for something to keep me CONSTRUCTIVE.

my job coach left my place over an hour ago i think and she helped me find and apply to a few more jobs. she suggested a person who tests products in costco and i agreed to it because the pay was good but now that i'm thinking about it- i don't know if i'll be able to stay interested in this job.. i won't know until i try but i'm not sure of the kind of experience i'll get on my resume putting this job experience on it.. a job's a job though. i probably won't get it anyway. i told her about my phone interview with planet fitness tomorrow. so i'm at least making it to the stages before actually gaining employment. i'm not sure if i've already interviewed with planet fitness before- it probably was a different location though. my job coach said to me, "you just have to pour things or try them out!.. it's not a hard job at all." i didn't really think anything of this comment when she said it to me but now i'm wondering if she thinks i'm just looking for easy jobs because those are the only ones i'm capable of doing? i'm not really sure i'll stay interested or with a good attitude at all times when working this job though. it's good money but i'm sure that i won't make a career outta this job- so i'm not really sure it's wise to waste my time on a job that won't qualify or lead to better options in employment.. it's just something to put on my resume to show i'm actively working but i'm not sure of how many jobs will really take this job in consideration.. who knows? i'm not an employer and there are probably people out there who worked this job and it lead somewhere better. i go to sabathani in like 20 minutes to work the front desk.
i keep thinking about how this year it'll be my 40th birthday and amy basically said that i couldn't take a trip to mexico for my birthday this year. it'd probably be more significant to me since it IS my fortieth but i can't expect anyone to care about that- it's too inconvenient for them. i can't even see where i was born.. i haven't been there since i was born. i was also thinking about how amanda might have used how i sarcastically give her credit for being a stylist- now she knows how it feels for people to treat her like she's stupid. I KNOW EXACTLY HOW THAT FEELS. SHE TREATS ME THAT WAY AND INSINUATES IT BY THE LACK OF CARE AND "SUPPORT" I GET FROM HER- EXPECTING ME TO LOWER MY CAPABILITY AND CONFIDENCE JUST TO MAKE IT LOOKS LIKE SHE ACTUALLY CARES AND SUPPORTS ME. IF she REALLY cared about me- she'd KNOW that i already wasted at least 5-10 years at courage kenny and the ONLY reason why i'm not in my wheelchair anymore is because of tram holloway and arp therapy. kevin (the physical therapist at courage kenny) discouraged me from walking without any support at courage kenny because then the pointless, overrated institute couldn't get credit for "helping" me do NOTHING with my body.

*NOT* LIKE THEM.

i just spoke to my psychologist about things that are going on with me lately. some person who claimed he was from ranstad called me this morning, wondering if i was still looking for a job. i said, "yeah.. i'm just volunteering right now.." then he said they have a document imaging job (i think) in minneapolis and he was wondering how fast i'd be able to work the job. i said, "well.. i don't really have any plans this month.. so probably any time this month." and he said he was emailing me a job description along with things i needed to provide them with. i opened up the email and decided i'd have ics help me with obtaining the information they wanted. zen looked at it and said it was a scam because they wouldn't ask someone for their social security number and other confidential information through email- they'd do it in person. so that's a no-go.. my psychologist said that it was horrible that someone would do this to someone.. so i doubt i'll be replying. as tempting as this job offer sounded.. as usual- things that are too good to be true, fall through for me. i told my psychologist about how my sister and my mom seem to be trying to mimic me. my psychologist said, "well.. do you have any idea WHY they mimic you?" and i said, "probably because they have low self-esteems because i noticed how my mom USED to always wear her hair short because my grandma did.. now that my grandma's gone- she's trying to find a person who had a similar attitude as my grandma.. and my sister.. well, i remember seeing old pictures of my brother, sister, and i in pictures and my sister was always wearing something similar to me and acting like me- like facial expressions and hand motions.." then my psychologist said, "you could kind of take that as a compliment and i agree.. that IS a sign of low self-esteem." and we started talking about respect and acknowledging how i've changed from being such a close-minded person- which i mentioned both amanda and dustin seem to be. she remembers what i told her about something my cousins did and she said, "it's good that you can at least identify things you dislike about yourself and change your mindset. many people are afraid to do that." then i said, "yeah.. i think it's because where i grew up- there wasn't diversity.. so i look back at that and i feel ashamed.. so i change it." i told her about one of the first times joe came to my apartment in burnsville and i accidentally casually used a gay slur when talking and how joe looked at me when i said it. that shit is uncalled for and anyone who thinks it's acceptable/funny probably is a horrible person who i've chosen to avoid associating and communicating with. my psychologist said that it's good that i can identify it and realize it's not appropriate. kinda like how i told my psychologist about the reaction to obama's presidential title and how dustin chose to immaturely react to it racist with a comment about hanging him on facebook. i didn't tell her about him commenting in a racist fashion today, i told her a long time ago and she must've remembered it because she brought it up today when telling me how i was different from my family and i acknowledge how i have the ability to change the close-minded beliefs UNLIKE my family. some people need to grow the fuck up and realize we only have ONE life and being hateful and prejudice because someone is different than you will just make things harder for you since *GASP* EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT!.. besides that- it's fuckin sad that i have to explain that shit because of something that someone who is probably AT LEAST TEN YEARS OLDER than i am said. there's a reason why God made everyone different- because if we were all the same, we'd probably get sick of each other and start killing each other. i chose not to associate/communicate with you racist pricks. you're obviously not perfect- so why try to act like you are? you can act like you are without my presence. if you don't give a shit- you wouldn't be reading what i have to say/think about YOU. if you're so damn smart- get something better to do with your time. so change your way dicks or remove me completely from your brains.

YOU'RE *INFAMOUS*. that is *NOTHING* to be proud of.

i'm still trying to figure out the purpose of my mom stalking me- as if she assumes i'll praise her or give her something to be proud about when she reads my blog (which pretty much just consists of ALL the shit she does/has done to me). i think about what the pca who went with me to boston asked me, which was why i can't just live in minnesota and ignore my mom.. because she would take advantage of my location and LIE about how much support and care she gives me and people would just assume she's telling the truth because i'm in the same state as her and they'd support and care about me if the roles were reversed and they were in her spot with me as a daughter. my mom is narcissistic. she has absolutely NO concern for anything that doesn't benefit her or her image. my friends/people who live in my hometown i was raised assume that i'm over-exaggerating but i have a question for you: if YOUR mom held YOU in front of her while your dad was kicking and beating on her, so that you were kicked by your dad and had to go through AT LEAST two surgeries SO FAR to your bowel (abdominal organ)- COULD *YOU* JUST SWEEP THIS UNDER THE RUG AND ACT LIKE THINGS WERE OKAY?! ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE'S NEVER BROUGHT IT UP TO YOU IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE (I'M ASSUMING BECAUSE SHE'S ASHAMED). people might be condoning this shitty parenting with her supposed disability.. i didn't know that there were conditions that make people selfish, uncaring, and narcissistic.. there probably is.. it's called being a SHITTY person. people shouldn't wonder why i ran away and didn't let anyone know where i was going. i was trying to get away from this shit and i was a young punk that just assumed nothing could go wrong. i never had a DRINK of beer though. that shit stinks and it'd make me start gagging just by the smell of it. proof that i'm telling the truth would be how I was the one who ended up with a TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY while the driver walked away from the accident (he might've had a few physical therapy appointments and a day stay in the hospital but that's NOTHING compared to all the shit i've had to go through because of the accident) because alcohol paralyzes the immune system. so me not drinking at all makes sense because of all the shit i had to go through and how i was comatose for 6 months and had to go through rehabilitation for at least 15 years to get outta my wheelchair- which is OF COURSE ignored by amanda and the rest of my family who just enjoy the attention and sympathy for "helping" and "caring" about me.. which i can honestly say i don't remember the last time i spoke to any of them (except for my grandpa's nephew joe, who is the ONLY one who has even made the effort to communicate and care about me). i know my other relatives are probably saying, "OH.. JOE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES ABOUT HER?! LET'S LEAVE IT THAT WAY! LESS WORK FOR US!" because i can honestly say when i used to speak to my mom, she'd always tell me to ask joe about things because she recognized the LACK of care i get from amanda (who was supposed to be meant to help me according to my grandma before she died). amanda didn't find anything beneficial to her with helping me.. so she acts like "I GOT THIS!". i told my psychologist she always says that to me whenever i ask her for help and my psychologist looked at me confused and said, "HAS SHE EVER WORKED WITH SOMEONE WITH A TBI BEFORE?" and i told her that it didn't seem like it. THAT'S THE AMOUNT OF "HELP" I RECEIVE HERE AND I'M SUPPOSEDLY SUPPOSED TO GET MORE HELP AND "CARE" FROM FAMILY- SO THAT'S WHY I'VE STUCK AROUND HERE SO LONG! *rolls eyes* IF you couldn't take on the responsibility to help a family member in need- YOU SHOULD'VE FUCKIN SAID IT. YOU CAN'T EVEN ASSIST ME WITH ADVOCATING FOR ME TO GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE AGAIN (WHICH MY GRANDMA CLAIMED OVER AND OVER YOU HAD PLANS TO HELP ME GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE ALONG WITH A VEHICLE I COULD DRIVE AGAIN). so THAT'S FINE. i'll just go somewhere where they ACTUALLY have a useful transportation system which is used by everyone, so i don't have to be stranded in my apartment not doing anything because i can't get out of the apartment MYSELF because the transportation takes at least 20 minutes to get a ride and i'm still usually late. the problem with my life is mainly caused by having a selfish "support" system (except joe). that's the reason why it's taken so damn long just to do anything.

what can i thank my mom for?

i was thinking about this recently (and i'm sure this is a symptom of PTSD) and i don't really understand the purpose or logic behind my mom assuming if she just ignores all the neglect and abuse she's done to me- i'll just "sweep it under the rug" or accept it. she can try to play the victim ALL she wants but she's never brought up exactly what i had dreams about/the reason why my dad left my mom, brother, and i. she's basically to blame for the reason why my brother and i never really got to know our dad. the ONLY thing i can think of which she's actually managed to give me besides PTSD are weak kidneys and a weak bladder, so that i have to urinate at least 3 times every 2 hours or so it seems. thanks a lot. she just feels good to read that i blog about her, it doesn't matter that it makes her look bad or uncaring- probably because my family condones her behavior because my grandma convinced them she has a disability and didn't/doesn't know better. i used to think so also but then she was talking to me about something i blogged about.. how does she all of a sudden get the ability to read when she discovers i have a blog? a little coincidental to me. then my psychologist suggested that my nosey, fat sister was telling her what i wrote but i just got the feeling that she ACTUALLY read my blog and understood what i said because she asked me about some specific details on my post that it just felt like she read it- this interpretation coming from the AUTHOR of what she asked me about.. like you know whether someone is understanding from hearsay or if they actually read it THEMSELVES. it doesn't matter WHO told her because she got the jist of it and i don't have respect for either my mom OR sister considering it didn't solve anything by my mom actually knowing what i post on my blog. i don't write this blog for the entertainment or amusement any of you fucking idiots. i write it to get out what goes on in my life and so i don't forget things. when i mentioned "douglas" yesterday on my blog- i noticed my traffic went up.. i OBVIOUSLY was NOT referring to my RACIST cyclops ex. you serve absolutely ZERO purpose in my life. run along to your klan meetings. you're also one of the MANY reasons why i'm NEVER attending courage kenny again. i meet jackasses like you there. i'll pass. everyone is just lucky that i care enough to bring their incompetent excuse of a "rehabilitation institute" up. they caused me enough trauma by underestimating and neglecting my attempts to actually rehabilitate myself with a good attitude. i'm sure if i ask any psychologist if they can cause a person trauma by underestimating and taking advantage of their lack of advocacy they'll say "yes" if they're good, useful, and EFFECTIVE. they're NOT helping me get stronger.. wtf is the point of me attending that joke of an institute? GIVE STACY SOMETHING TO DO UNTIL WE SHOVE HER IN A NURSING HOME IN MINNESOTA! YEAH! SHE'LL BE RIGHT BY US AND HAPPY! IT DOESN'T MATTER IF SHE HAS OTHER PLANS.. i will seriously blow my brains out the day someone even brings up that shit. i promise i'll get myself kicked out and banned from EVER attending courage kenny or whatever other rehabilitation joke people come up with if i'm forced to go there. that of course, doesn't eliminate going crazy in the nursing homes either. amanda and the rest of my family are probably saying, "THAT'S ALL WE GOTTA DO TO GET RID OF HER?! CALL A NURSING HOME!" my grandma would be so proud and thankful for everything you've neglected to do for me. nice to see how much respect you have for your OWN aunt. *sarcasm* i'll never forgive you or her for refusing and neglecting to help me get where I wanna be in life. i suppose that would mean more if they actually cared about me.

i don't know how to "stand out".. i think that may be why i'm still unemployed.

i just had another interview with the same company i believe i've had a few interviews with in the past. i don't think it went bad but i don't think i really impressed her or stood out like other applicants may. ah well. that's typically my problem. she said she'll get back to me on tuesday if i got the job.

another interview

i have a microsoft teams meeting interview for a job later. i'm glad that it says it's at 1 on my cell phone in my email on the invite because i have 2:30 written down on my calendar and i gotta go to spanish class at about 2:45 to get there on time for my class today. so at least i have more time to do everything and a little time in between because i had originally planned to just have the teams meeting on my cell while i was on the way to spanish because i didn't think i had time. i told douglas about the interview today and he wished me good luck and said, "at least you'll have something to do." because i told him i wasn't completely sure of who the job was for when i spoke to him and i was just reminded when i checked my phone today. he recognizes how bored i am which is one of the major reasons why i need a job to keep me busy and so i don't have time to think negatively. it feels like i interviewed with these guys a few times before but it was probably a different location. i'm not sure if this is like the 3rd step in hiring or if they're just having a teams meeting with me because it's easier than in-person interview and they're busy? ah well. i'll just keep my head up and do the interview. thinking negatively won't help me in any way.

don't get cocky.

i've been continuously irritated by the thoughts of amanda attempting to use my mom as a pawn to stop her from doing as she told her aunt she'd help me do. if she really cared about me as much as she insinuates- she'd take into consideration EVERYTHING i've been through and ALL the work it took me to get here. when i say "ALL the work it took to get here" i OBVIOUSLY mean all of MY hard work to get where i am and i'm NOT stopping here because my mom or anyone else who HAS NOT WENT THROUGH THE SHIT I HAVE supposedly "want" for me. WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANT?! YOU KNOW.. THE OWNER OF THIS LIFE. i think back to a phone conversation i had with my grandma a long time ago and she mentioned how she threatened my mom IF she EVER stole money from me when my grandma was dead, she told my mom that she'd "regret it" (now that i read this over, it's pretty fuckin sad when a grandma has to threaten her daughter NOT to steal from her granddaughter.. THAT'S THE KIND OF "MOM" I HAD THOUGH! ASK MY BROTHER JAY IF YOU NEED PROOF!). i know my grandma scared the hell outta my mom- if she didn't, there would have been NO way my mom would've taken me to her house to see my grandma when she was still alive. she didn't do it because she genuinely wanted to see me like a normal parent would want to see their offspring because she would've never left me at her apartment ALONE when i was wheelchair dependant a LONG TIME AGO just to go to the damn bar. i KNOW my grandma would be disappointed with amanda because she's basically not helping to do what she CLAIMED she'd do and using my mom as an excuse. IF my mom REALLY cared about ME, she NEVER would've held me in front of her while my dad was kicking and beating on her. i've had TWO surgeries on my bowel so far because of the kick to my abdomen where my mom used me as a shield and in-directly trying to use me as an excuse why my dad should stop hitting her because i was there while my dad was hitting and kicking at my mom. first of all- my dad should've never been hitting my mom in the first place but i thought about this one night, i'm PRETTY SURE he wasn't fluent in english.. so to be THAT pissed off at someone when you don't even understand them is somethin- she must've REALLY pissed him off.. i'm assuming he was drinking though, so that probably changes things also. a person has to be pretty fucking irritating for you to want to kick them when your own daughter is present. i will admit that my mom pisses me off pretty bad.. it's probably a good thing that i'm seeing a psychologist to talk about my temper also. BUT I SHOULDN'T BE EXPECTED TO THROW EVERYTHING I'VE BUSTED MY ASS TO GET JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE OLDER THAN ME AND WHO IS ONE OF THE CAUSES OF MY PTSD CAN'T HANDLE ME MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE THE WAY I WANT. I CAME FROM A FUCKING COMA- TO A DAMN WHEELCHAIR, WALKERS AND TREKKING POLES.. TIL FINALLY A CANE. KEVIN (THE THERAPIST AT COURAGE KENNY) TOLD ME NOT TO RETURN TO COURAGE KENNY IF I DIDN'T HAVE MY WALKER OR TREKKING POLES. HE WAS MORE CONCERNED ABOUT MAKING IT LOOK LIKE COURAGE KENNY WAS ACTUALLY HELPING ME. NONE OF MY STRENGTH CAME FROM DAMN COURAGE KENNY. THEY ASSISTED ME IN LETTING ME WALK AROUND THEIR BUILDING BUT I COULD'VE GOT THAT ANYWHERE. I'M NOT LYING WHEN I SAY ALL CREDIT FOR ME BECOMING AMBULATORY IS OWED TO TRAM HOLLOWAY- WHO MY GRANDMA FOUND BECAUSE SHE REALIZED COURAGE KENNY WASN'T DOING SHIT FOR ME AND I WASN'T PROGRESSING WITH ACTUAL RESULTS. he told her that he'd have me out of my wheelchair and i could tell my grandma really didn't believe it but would try anything- and i THANK HIM FOR THE WORK HE DID ON ME TO GET ME ON MY FEET AGAIN. amanda is like everyone else in this fuckin world who doesn't want to see any progress if she doesn't get credit for it and they can't do better than her. NO THANKS go to her. she can't handle me living a productive life if she doesn't get attention/credit for it- which is also a reason why she tries to keep me here, so people can assume she's actually helping me because i'm in the same state as her. to tell you the truth- i honestly don't remember the last time i seen or even SPOKE to her or any of my other family members (except joe and jay), yet i'm expected to throw away EVERYTHING i've done just for family because as you can see- they care about me SO MUCH.. *ROLLS EYES*. I'M NOT LYING ABOUT THE SHIT THEY DON'T DO FOR ME TO JUST "KEEP THE PEACE" AND MAKE A LOVING FAMILY IMAGE.. THEY SHOULD HAVE JUST BURIED ME IN A COFFIN IF THIS IS WHAT KIND OF "CARE" AND "SUPPORT" THEY EXPECT ME TO RECEIVE. oh but then the thought: amanda has never experienced ANY of the shit i have and she don't care enough about me to be genuinely empathetic and supportive. so it's like driving in a car without a steering wheel. i "GOT THIS!" though. that's her excuse of "support" without offering me any resources and/or care. she NEVER answers my phone calls when i used to try to call her and she DOESN'T return my voicemails. i've gave up on calling her because i'm sick of wasting my time. my psychologist asked me, "has amanda ever dealt with disabled or handicapped people in her life?" and i said straight out to her, "pfft.. i don't think so." IF AMANDA'S MOM EXPECTED HER TO QUIT HER JOB AND LIVE BY HER- WOULD SHE LIKE THAT? NO EXCEPTIONS. JUST QUIT, JUST TO LIVE BY YOUR MOM. that's what the situation would be like for amanda if she was in my shoes. she can easily reply, "well my mom works and she'd never do that." but what if your mom DIDN'T work and DID do that- so you were basically in MY SHOES?! that's called EMPATHY and she obviously doesn't have it. it's times like these where i could pull my grandma's favorite saying outta my ass: "WHAT COMES AROUND, GOES AROUND." don't get cocky. speaking from first hand experience- you'll regret it.

another interview

i spoke to visionworks today and scheduled a microsoft teams meeting on friday with them. i feel like i've interviewed with them before, so i'm not sure if i can put too much confidence in this interview but i won't know if i don't try. i actually had referrals this time to put on the resume, so i didn't need to search too hard. i hope they give me good referrals but i don't see why they wouldn't.

apparently that's *ALL* i am- an idiot who provides you with amusement.

i just got done visiting with someone from the ymca to talk about what resources i need in my life to make me TRULY HAPPY and SUCCESSFUL (because that IS what it'll take for me to be TRULY happy and NOT just living off of social security and attending some pathetic excuse of a "rehabilitation center" who only assist people with advocacy that'll stroke their dicks(which i don't have) THE ONLY REASON WHY I EVEN BOTHERED TO GO THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE WAS BECAUSE MY GRANDMA DIDN'T KNOW WHERE ELSE I COULD GO AND I'M GETTING FUCKING SICK OF EXPLAINING THIS SHIT). LEARN HOW TO ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT YOUR RELATIVES AND NOT JUST SO IT APPEARS YOU "CARE" ABOUT THEM WHEN NOT ASKING THEM WHAT THEY TRULY WANT. STOP ACTING LIKE YOU CARE WHEN YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT WHAT I, THE OWNER OF MY LIFE WANTS FOR MY LIFE. JUST AS LONG AS IT'S MORE BENEFICIAL AND CONVENIENT FOR YOU. amanda really IS naive because i see my nosey ass cousin's friend viewing my timeline on facebook- so my nosey ass cousin dustin must be reading my timeline since i blocked him because i find absolutely NO reason to remain "friends" with someone who just wants to amuse themselves with what's going on with someone who's ACTUALLY trying to do something with their lives which doesn't include throwing it all away to remain in some boring ass state, miserable because i don't have anything better to do- so i resort to insulting people who are actually TRYING to do something with their lives besides take the easy way out and depend merely on social security while my family and so-called friends just laugh at me like i'm some kind of joke LIKE YOUR SISTER AND HER STUPID BOYFRIEND DO. IF amanda had ANY intelligence- she'd recognize that dustin just reminds me of EVERYTHING i HATE in THIS state. he's the whole package- bigotry and racism tied with nosiness!.. so a male version of amanda. I PUT YOU DICKS ON BLOCK FOR A REASON. YOU DESTROY MY MENTAL HEALTH. take that as a compliment of actually making an impact in someone's life because that's what people like you would do. JUST MIND YOUR BUSINESS. that's ALL you gotta do. dustin is DEFINITELY NOT gonna change my mind. it actually makes me more desperate for finding an exit to this shithole of a state. you're a complete fucking moron if you don't understand WHY i want to move from this state.. fuck the hell off. maybe now your stupid asses recognize EXACTLY why i've been so anxious to leave this state because all my damn relatives were busy condoning my mom's pathetic excuse of parenting. unless i was the only idiot who just figured out this shit after TWO surgeries on my bowel so far and my traumatizing reminiscing dreams. which could be possible. that provides another reason for me to get the hell outta this state because people IN THIS STATE think i'm too much of an idiot to handle something traumatizing that happened to me. it was kinda like God was trying to explain the reason why i was going through so much shit (all the surgeries on my bowel) and my mom has NEVER taken accountability for it or even brought it up to me. EVEN the man who nearly killed me driving drunk when i was 16 could take accountability for the accident and apologize- my OWN mom? PFFT. SHE'S TOO ENTITLED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HER STUPIDITY. IT HAPPENED A LONG TIME AGO. STACY'S STUPID! SHE'LL NEVER REMEMBER! RIGHT MOM? HELL NO. it just pisses me off that this shit is condoned by my damn family because they want to "keep the peace". WELL KEEP THE PEACE WITHOUT ANY FUCKING COMMUNICATION TO ME. MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS AND FIND SOMETHING THAT CONCERNS YOU THAT ACTUALLY MATTERS TO YOU BECAUSE I OBVIOUSLY DON'T AND YOU'VE PROVEN THAT WITH YOUR IGNORANCE OF WHY I WANT TO GET OUTTA HERE. YOU LACK EMPATHY AND IN ORDER TO REALLY CARE ABOUT SOMEONE- YOU NEED TO HAVE EMPATHY AND RESPECT HOW YOU'D FEEL IF IT WERE YOU IN THEIR SHOES. i'm getting annoyed having to explain this to someone who acts like they know everything, so i'm gonna go watch fresh prince.