Get something better to do.

i don't really understand the purpose of my sister always reading my blog. i clearly don't like you and you don't do anything for me (like the rest of my family with an exception to joe). i know that if i were in your situation- i wouldn't be wasting my time reading the blog of someone who don't even like me. then i wonder if some views aren't from my mom and the only reason she'd be interested in what i was doing is just because it interests my sister to stalk me and see what kind of things she COULD be doing with her life if she hadn't spread her legs for the convenience store deadbeat so many times. work on yourself. stalking your kewliez older sister isn't gonna get you ANYWHERE. now i kinda understand what attracted mike the convenience store deadbeat to you! you're both losers!

fredrick was gonna bring me to the bank to open a new account, so i could deposit my refund check in there, since i'm convinced that amy doesn't know how to do her job and INVEST her clients' money- so she tries to stop the clients from spending money any way she can by refusing to give money for trips for their FORTIETH BIRTHDAY so they get so depressed they kill themselves- so she can run away with the money in her trust because she IS the other holder! if i kill myself- i'd make sure i came back and HAUNTED YOU! plus i'm pretty sure my will says to give everything to my brother if i die. you haven't helped me with ANYTHING since you've took brian's spot. at least brian and i would go out for dinner and he wouldn't charge me to talk to him like you do and he wouldm't get into arguments with me like YOU do. i don't remember the last phone conversation i had with you where we weren't arguing with each other.

this has to be at least the 5th or 6th day where i got around 5 hrs. of sleep if i'm lucky.

well- i didn't get much sleep AGAIN.. my cpap still isn't working. i probably got around 4 or 5 hours of sleep. i lost track of the days and i was thinking it was saturday or sunday.. until i walked by my calendar and seen that my care coordinator was coming to meet with me in my apartment for an annual check-up or somethin like that. i ate and brushed my teeth, then sat on my couch and waited for him to come. he came and we talked with each other in my living room. he asked me how things were going and he looked at my health alert, since that hasn't been working for at least 3 weeks i'd say. he determined that the battery in the pendant was dead- so fredrick and i are gonna go get a new battery in a little while. then he asked me what about my physical health, i should've figured someone who is on my "care" team would bring this up when they seen me. i'm not too outta shape (in my opinion) but people will always try to urge a person who used to be going to rehab. and isn't anymore to go back to rehabilitation, so it looks like they're doing their jobs. the fact that i'm volunteering probably eases their minds a little- so i'm at least doing something constructive and i don't have time to get in trouble. i don't have time for people's ideas of wasting my time acting like i'm helping myself get physically fit when they don't do SHIT for me because i lack ADVOCACY to jerk them off and make them actually appear "HELPFUL" (which they by NO MEANS are if you don't have the proper advocacy- i've been on both sides of support systems- ACTUALLY having advocacy (but my grandma was naive, so i think that helped reel them in) and LACKING advocacy (right now when my grandma is dead and most people are too busy to care about me). IF YOU HAVE ANY SIGN OF INTELLIGENCE- YOU SHOULD REALIZE THAT I DON'T HAVE THE PROPER RESOURCES OF SUPPORT IN THIS STATE- SO I'M GOING SOMEWHERE THERE'S ACTUALLY RESOURCES FOR ALL DISABLED PEOPLE (and people in general). taxes may be high there but they're definitely not higher than minnesota's and you ACTUALLY get what you pay for in massachusetts, judging by how people treat each other and the CLEANLINESS and ACCESSIBILITY of the ENVIRONMENT there. minnesota just steals money from taxes and rewards the rich dicks.

still no sleep..

i should've figured there'd be a reason i couldn't get my cpap again. we called to find out the clinic and they said they didn't cover my insurance. i left my care coordinator ANOTHER voicemail since i'm pretty sure he claimed this was one of the clinics who did cover my insurance.
i'm pretty sure that i didn't get that mobile job either because i was looking at my indeed account and it said "response unlikely" but i suppose they could be busy since the guy DID tell me that he'd get back to me NEXT WEEK when he was finished interviewing people. so i suppose there could be a small chance now that i think about my phone conversation with him yesterday. i think that indeed tried to tell me i had a "response unlikely" to sabathani before i found out i was volunteering there as well (now that i think about it). so who knows? my employment luck may have changed, even though i wouldn't really count on it- considering how things typically go for me.
i also called the housing authority that my champs account told me i was on the housing list for and i got an apartment application from them last week (i think?) and asked them if i needed to send in a paper copy of the application to the apartment if i applied online already, she said, "no i don't think so." then she said she'd call me back and see, well- she called me back and told me that she didn't think i needed to, so i'll hopefully have a better chance at getting an apartment in massachusetts sooner than the one in boston at least, it's only an hour and a half away from boston.. so at least i'll have my feet wet in massachusetts before the one closer to boston houses me. hopefully it'll be less time than if i were to pursue new york instead. looking for the fastest, safest exit to the east coast as possible now.

SLEEP?!

i forgot to mention that i should ACTUALLY be getting some sleep tommorow or soon anyway because ICS is bringing me into the place where they're repairing cpaps and other medical equipment. i also found the wireless provider that i interviewed with yesterday and asked him when i could find out if i was hired and he told me that he had some more interviews and i should know by next tuesday for sure. i meant to take a notebook with me to the interview to write it down when i asked- but of course, that didn't happen.

didn't say anything wrong that i can think of.

i just got back from my interview with the wireless provider i just interviewed with. at first, i got the impression this would be another dud of an interview because i showed up at the place on time and the guy i was interviewing with stood inside the store, doing other things and he told me to wait because the store hadn't even opened yet. then he finally let me in and he had me wait for his colleague to come to work since he was gonna interview me and he needed someone on the floor working to help customers. his colleague came finally and he had me come with him in a room. he told me about himself and then i told him what made me want to apply to this job. he went over the hours and asked me if i had anything going on that would prevent me from working those hours. i told him that i volunteer at sabathani community center in minneapolis every tuesday and he knew where i was talking about right away and said, "oh! i know where that is! my family and i have went there for food!" so he knows the kind of environment of work i'm familiar with at least. then he asked me what would prevent me from doing a good job. i must've stopped for a while, trying to think of what was appropriate to say because he said, "what? be honest." then i said, "well, at one of my other interviews they asked this same question and i told them. i tend to get angry at things when people say certain things but i see a therapist and they've helped me with solutions on what to do." then the guy said, "like taking time to think about when someone says something to you.. i know. i've went through the same thing. is it for like a temper?" then i said, "yeah. i'm glad someone can relate to me and knows what i'm talking about." then i'm pretty sure he said he had some more interviews and he'd get back to me (although i forget exactly when). i said, "good! i just don't want you to forget about me!" then he said, "oh.. no, i won't forget about you." so i'm not sure if i should take that as a good or bad thing. we'll just have to see.

how much did she *REALLY* help me (if you think about it)?

i got my nails done and while i was getting them done, some mobile telephone company called me to do a phone interview before my in-person interview with them tomorrow. i had to have the interview while actually getting my nails done, so hopefully i didn't say something wrong but they ended the conversation after asking questions, saying they'd see me tomorrow at the in-person interview- so i don't think i said anything wrong. i have a feeling my mom reads my blog in order to see the things she could never do- while secretly wishing she would've actually TRIED to do more with her life at the same time as hoping i'll fail, so someone that came from basically the same place as she did is miserable like her. ANY CARING parent doesn't look at their own children as competition but my mom is narcissistic! she's not ANY parent!.. it's gotta be all about her. i've said this before and i'll say it again- my parents were too immature to be parents and that reflects on my brother and i (seeing as my sister has a different father). my brother was able to drift away from my mom's influence and drifted towards my grandparents- who basically saved him. i wasn't always dependant of my mom- for a while, i also depended on my grandparents for leadership but then i got in an accident and was FORCED to depend on my mom again, since she could physically transfer me.. until i got stronger and basically transferred myself (with a little help from jessiy when i'd go to my grandma's and had to take a bath). my mom has basically served as little-to-NO help to me if you try to even it out with the surgeries and pain she's caused me in my life (bowel surgeries and psychologically).

flying monkeys

i seen on facebook recently, my cousin jessiy basically condoning my mom's abuse/neglect to me with something like "she took care of you and you're bringing this up.." alright. i'm not a parent yet (i don't even know if i have the desire to be one after seeing how shitty parents can be towards their kids PERSONALLY) but i have enough knowledge to know that it IS the parent's responsibility to take care of their kids when they have them and ESPECIALLY if something traumatic happens to them. run along flying monkey, run. as much as you care about your aunt more than your cousin- that doesn't change the facts that it IS a parent's responsibility to make sure their child is healthy and functioning constructively. you can't do what my mom had done for her basically my whole life and condone her shitty immature, selfish parenting. IF that's the side you're going to take- remove yourself from my life. i don't have time for that shit. it isn't gonna get me ANYWHERE and it WON'T get you anywhere either. maybe that's the goal of my supposed "caring" family members though! care just enough for it to be beneficial and convenient for YOU, RIGHT GUYS?! if an outsider doesn't understand why the hell i've never had the desire to live in the same state/area of my family- THEY'RE CRAZY AND NAIVE. my therapist and i discovered that this is the reason why i've never grew an attachment or connection to my mom. jessiy- WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOUR MOM HELD YOU UP IN FRONT OF YOUR DAD WHEN HE WAS KICKING HER TO BLOCK HIM FROM KICKING HER?! i know troy wasn't that fuckin mean to kick your mom.. so i'm just gonna answer for you and say "never". so don't speak on things unless you know what's happening PERSONALLY in a FIRST-HAND EXPERIENCE. you just appear as foolish as the abuser (my mom).. if not MORE. besides- i know the common obsessed reader (my stupid sister) told you about my blog, i'm not sure if you're as much of a loser to read what i do in hopes to become me though like she does. i'm starting to realize why my grandma told me to take my blog down when she was alive. people misinterpret what i say and they tell their kewliez cousin so she can stick up for their abusive, neglectful mommy and the generational trauma cycle continues. whatever. i realize that NOTHING you do or say can affect me if i don't let it.

new places

i called my great aunt today, since i can NEVER get ahold of her daughter to tell her my issues. she has to be one of the only people in this world that ACTUALLY answers the phone when you call her the first time. well- she answered for me anyway. i told her that i wanna take a trip to mexico and see where i was born for my birthday since it IS my FORTIETH BIRTHDAY. then i told her how amy says i can't go because it costs too much. my grandma's sister asked me, "how much does it cost?" then i said, "well.. amy CLAIMED she asked the travel pca that i usually take and she says $40,000. but then my friend and i looked ourselves and it costs $800 or $900 round trip." then she said to me, "your dad's dead though." then i said, "yeah i know but i wanted to see where i was born and it IS my fortieth birthday." then she said, "oh.. yeah. you could see some of the carmona family there too!" and i said, "yeah.. i have a few of them my friends on facebook but most of them can't understand me." although i forgot to tell her that i've shared a few brief conversations with a few of them on facebook- using what i've learned in spanish class to help me understand.
i had ics today and it was after i checked my mail, so i couldn't get started on the second apartment i've got applications to specifically in massachusetts (other than the housing company automatically applying me to a few others). zen said it's located a little further away from boston than the last one but i said it'd probably just help me get my "foot in the door" so to speak as a massachusetts resident. so, zen needs to assist me in filling out this application on monday when we meet. housing in massachusetts seems to be easier and more available compared to new york.. so HOPEFULLY i get an apartment there sooner.
i was just thinking about how my grandma always used to tell me how my dad used to hit my mom and that's why he got chased to mexico by my grandpa. she did say that my dad never hurt me though because he "loved me to death". i was thinking about that and i read something in one of the books i read and online about how kids usually see which parent was the ACTUAL problem in marriages that end up in divorce and separating custody. so needless to say- i grew up with this idea that my dad wasn't a very nice person until life actually happened to me. so i started to question what was told to me, i tried to look at how my dad felt and i could understand him getting so frustrated with my mom because i often get frustrated with her myself. although, i've never actually hit her (unlike my sister when i was younger- like father, like daughter.. seeing as my sister had a DIFFERENT father than my brother and i but he still beat my mom). i'm thinking that my mom probably played victim (as she always does) and my grandpa got pissed off and chased him to mexico when he accidentally kicked me because MY MOM used me as a SHIELD while she was about to get kicked by my dad and she intentionally held ME up in front of my dad to make it seem like he should calm down because i was there and he ended up kicking ME instead of the true idiotic, selfish target. it took me nearly 40 years to realize that and also a few dreams reminiscing the situation. i KNOW that my dad was killed in mexico during a drug trading accident with the cartels. i have a right to see where i was born and my OTHER side of the family though. i also haven't got to really use my passport. even though i DO have DUAL CITIZENSHIP- i just wanna be sure i can actually return to this country after my trip because grump's fat ass would probably try to keep me there by saying i was an illegal alien or wtf even if i DO have a certificate of naturalization.