deep thinking discoveries..

i'm beginning to wonder if amanda isn't embezzling money from me to get her salon hair products again because amy seems to be so tight about my money and she told me that my trust wouldn't last but a few more years. i spend maybe $100 or $150 at tops on credit card purchases a month. maybe a little less or a little more depending on what goes on each month. my trust doesn't pay my rent and she hasn't purchased a car or house for me yet- so those possibilities are out of the picture. i swear i caught some beauty salon products being subtracted from my account (and i don't use those at all- never have and probably never will.. tresemme is enough for my hair) when brian was handling my money a long time ago until i said something to him. if that shit is happening again, it's obvious who respects me and who doesn't. she's done absolutely NOTHING for me to deserve ANY of MY money. my trust should be investing enough money to be gaining money and NOT losing money so it'll be "non-existant" in a few years according to amy. this thought comes up in my head almost every night while i'm trying to fall asleep- so needless to say, i usually don't get to bed until late- i try to distract myself with aqua teen hunger force and my cpap WHEN IT ACTUALLY WORKS. which is needed MORE THAN LIKELY thanks to the second-hand smoke i breathed in thanks to my mom and grandma. i've NEVER tried to smoke cigarettes IN MY WHOLE LIFE- they just never tempted me or seemed appealing. so i have problems breathing and i also have ptsd thanks to my loving family. NO WONDER WHY EVERYONE (ALL MY FAMILY BUT JOE) WANTS TO CLING TO ME BECAUSE MISERY LOVES COMPANY and they'd feel inadequate if someone who went through more shit than them and came from the same place is ACTUALLY doing something with their lives!.. i miss when all those assholes just minded their own damn business. i'm referring to my mom and my sister mostly (they're probably wetting themselves seeing that i mentioned them in my blog). my brother is the only other person in my family who minds his OWN business- i'm guessing it's my dad's genes, seeing as my sister DOESN'T have the same dad as my brother and i and she seems to have a problem minding her own business LIKE MY MOM. i made that discovery when over-thinking one night when i was trying to fall asleep i think.

who's gonna ACTUALLY do their jobs to *HELP* -ME-?!

so i did what amy told me to do and asked my ics workers to help me with my taxes. abdul answered the phone and said, "well- that's your trustee's responsibility.. there's nothing that we can really do.. i suppose you could google accountants but that's your trustee's job." then i said, "yeah, i know. when i had my previous trustee, brian, HE'D ALWAYS HAVE THIS TAKEN CARE OF. NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN- THAT I HAVE ICS SHE FEELS LIKE SHE CAN PUT THIS JOB ON SOMEONE ELSE." my cousin joe had made the remark that amy didn't seem like she wanted to work. she hasn't helped me move, she doesn't wanna help me with my taxes, WHAT THE FUCK DOES SHE WANT TO DO?! what's she getting paid for?.. just telling me that i can't spend my money in ways that would give me more opportunities- THAT'S HOW. i know she's in the damn office when i call her and her receptionist always tells me that she's busy and puts me in her voicemail. SO I HAVE SOMEONE CONTROLLING MY MONEY THAT WON'T EVEN SPEAK TO ME. THAT'S GREAT. MY ADVOCATE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT. JUST AS LONG AS I'M GOING TO THE COURAGE CENTER TO PLEASE HER IN-LAWS WITH ANOTHER MINDLESS HANDICAPPED CLIENT THEY CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF TO MAKE THEMSELVES LOOK GOOD! if i get in trouble for not filing my taxes- IT'S ALL ON HER FOR NEGLECTING A VULNERABLE ADULT SHE'S BEING PAID TO ASSIST. YOUR CALL, LAZY ASS!

my responsibilities..

i got my taxes from first fiduciary and it says i'm supposed to give a copy to my tax preparar or accountant. i told amy i received the taxes form because i assumed she'd have me send her a copy of it and take care of it since that's what brian ALWAYS did when he was my trustee- she put the responsibility on me (BECAUSE YOU KNOW.. IT IS MY JOB THAT I'M BEING PAID TO TAKE CARE OF MY OWN MONEY *rolls eyes*) and made it seem like I should automatically know an accountant who will do my taxes for me. if she doesn't come up with someone- i'm gonna have to tell the only family member who gives a damn about me. he brought up filing a complaint about her not doing her job when i told him about another problem i had with her. it feels so nice to go through hell and not have anyone that will advocate and makes sure that no one fucks you over (with an exception of joe). i'm so glad i didn't die in the car accident. now people can refuse to do their jobs properly when handling my care! thanks for giving me something to be thankful for. (if you can't tell i'm being sarcastic- you should kick yourself in the ass) i can also have people act like they "care" about me by trying to send me BACK in my rehab. progression to make other people look they actually care about me and to gain points from their in-laws to get them another client to go to the shitty overrated ridiculous excuse of a "rehabilitation" center known as courage kenny. when a person goes into rehab... they follow steps and i'm way past that shit. they got their kicks outta underestimating me and putting me on machines that my living room wall can do. i just realized i've explained this shit a million times and it still doesn't matter because amanda and her stupid in-laws obviously don't care enough about MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE to even consider what i think and what goes on really matters to them. no more. especially since i'm gonna be getting outta this shithole state which only thinks i'm capable of mindlessly attending courage kenny.

impending plans.. hope i'm prepared.

i got up and got ready for the day, then i had ics. ics helped me check if the lady from the apartment in massachusetts emailed me. i was kinda worried that i missed an email from them and i checked earlier on my own. i'm not really sure about what i all need to make sure i'm all prepared to move. the lady at the apartment told me to make sure i have all my arrangements for cable and internet if i plan on having them but zen said i can't make plans for that until i have my address and i know exactly which apartment i'm gonna be in. i just don't wanna be caught shit outta luck so i'm unprepared to move. hopefully that doesn't happen or at least not for too long. i also wanna make sure i get a job coach to help me find employment asap because i don't wanna be stuck being unemployed because it was too inconvenient for anyone to make sure i stay constructive in life, working a job which can keep me constructive, useful, and busy.

*GASP* i AM aware of the LACK of "support" and "care" i receive from THIS state!

this morning, one of the ics managers (i'm pretty sure anyway- i remember her and the manager showing up at one of my care meetings and amy (although it might've been gaby because it was so long ago) they were planning that they'd try not to get me thinking about moving to new york anymore and planning on making living in this apartment to block any hopes to move there- but i still wanna move out east). people are ignoring the facts that i'm a HUMAN BEING with a WORKING MIND who WANTS to actually do SOMETHING with her life OTHER than live on social security- depending on the government for my income- ERASING ANY FREEDOMS I HAVE WITH THE MONEY I SPEND. she looked at my calendar hanging in my kitchen where i write all my appointments on and she seen that i have a driver's evaluation this friday on it. she asked me anxiously, "OOO! I SEE YOU HAVE A DRIVER'S EVALUATION ON FRIDAY WITH HEALTH PARTNERS! ARE THEY LIKE COURAGE KENNY?!" then i said, "NO.. courage kenny failed me THREE OR FOUR TIMES SAYING "NEEDS MORE THERAPY". they're trying to take advantage of their clients who are UNADVOCATED for because i seen A LOT of people who drive and are less ambulatory than i am. WHERE'S THEIR NEEDS MORE THERAPY COMMENTS?!" james has his license AND a car he can drive AND he's quadriplegic, he can't walk but he can move his hands and arms. SO WHERE'S HIS "NEEDS MORE THERAPY" COMMENT?! he's got ADVOCACY from parents who ACTUALLY CARE about him. i hear in my head the people in the east right now asking me why i didn't get my driver's license from minnesota since they have the courage center. IF ANYONE ACTUALLY GAVE A FUCK ABOUT ME- I WOULD'VE HAD MY LICENSE A LONG FUCKIN TIME AGO. I HAVEN'T HAD MY DAMN DRIVER'S LICENSE IN TWENTY FOUR DAMN YEARS. THE FURTHEST I COULD GET MYSELF WAS MY DRIVER'S PERMIT. I DID NOT GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE TAKEN AWAY FROM ME- IT JUST EXPIRED AND I NEVER RENEWED IT BECAUSE I WASN'T REHABILITATED RIGHT AWAY, SO DRIVING JUST SEEMED POINTLESS BECAUSE I WASN'T AMBULATORY RIGHT AWAY OR REALLY ABLE TO DRIVE (WHICH DID SWITCH WHEN I GOT MY DRIVER'S PERMIT AND I TOOK ALL THOSE DAMN DRIVING LESSONS THAT MY TRUSTEE CONVENIENTLY CAN'T FIND RECORDS OF AND SO I NEVER RENEWED IT.) "WAIT TIL I DIE- AMANDA WILL HELP YOU GET YOUR LICENSE AND SHE'LL GET YOU TO NEW YORK!" i heard that bullshit probably EVERY damn night the last two years of my grandma's life said by my grandma. she either didn't care about me or she was just uncaringly naive. it's probably a mix now that i think about it. THANKS AMANDA! YOU'VE DONE NOTHING FOR ME SINCE MY GRANDMA DIED! YOU'RE THE BEST. i just hope you get to feel what it's like to be underestimated and lacking advocacy so you can't do anything YOU TRULY want. it probably won't happen now.. but when you're older.. things may be a different story, einstein. karma's a bitch. you'll see how it feels to lose everything after you have everything. MAYBE YOUR FELON OF A PRESIDENT WILL HELP YOU!.. chances are he'll be too damn worried about keeping his fat ass away from all the deserved punishments though. all i'm gonna say is health partners better not pull that "WELL YOU'LL BE LIVING SOMEWHERE THEY HAVE A GOOD TRANSPORTATION SYSTEM! I DON'T SEE WHY YOU'LL NEED YOUR LICENSE!" bullshit because then I'M DONE WITH MINNESOTA. THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING WAY I'LL CHANGE MY MIND. courage kenny tried to pull that shit outta their ass and i haven't been back to that shithole excuse of a "rehabilitation" center. people seem to think i'm stupid and i forget shit- NO I DON'T DICKS. I'VE CAME WAY TOO FUCKING FAR FOR SOME JACKASSES TO JUST IGNORE MY PROGRESSION FOR THEIR FUCKIN CONVENIENCE BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ADVOCACY TO MAKE SURE THEY'RE ACTUALLY DOING THEIR FUCKING JOBS PROPERLY. joe has been helping me as much as he can though. OTHER THAN THAT- I GET ABSOLUTELY NO HELP OR CARE FROM ANY OF MY OTHER DAMN RELATIVES. I WASTED MY TIME IN THIS STATE FOR NOTHING. my family could care less. the ONLY relative who actually checked on me the last time i had surgery was joe. i'm positive he'll come see me in boston or wherever i end up. he video chatted with me while i was in the hospital last having surgery. i KNOW that amanda AND her mom had knowledge of me being in the hospital because i left BOTH of them voice mails telling them where i was. did either of them make an effort to see how i was doing? NO. or how about my OWN only living PARENT? HELL NO. i honestly was thinking that if she called me in the hospital, i was gonna scream in the phone, "ARE YOU HAPPY THAT I'M GETTING THIS SHIT DONE TO ME BECAUSE OF YOU?!" she's NEVER brought up holding me in front of her while my dad kicked me instead of her when he was aiming for HER, so she was using me as a shield and tried to cover it up by saying, "STACY IS HERE! DON'T FIGHT IN FRONT OF HER!" i've had MANY dreams reminiscing this, mostly during the time of my last surgery- almost as if God was explaining to me why i was having the surgery and going through everything i was.

trying to move to a place where people *ACTUALLY* do their *JOBS*

i just met with ics and he changed my clocks for me and reminded me to check my email about when the meeting about me moving to boston was. my case manager sent an email to me also, stating she won't be present when we're having this meeting. i'm not really sure why- my previous case manager, gregory, was at all the meetings about when i wanted to move to new york and even offered some resources (doing his JOB PROPERLY). i'm pretty sure a lot of these pca agencies would also prefer to speak to a case manager when dealing with someone moving but i've just been advocating for myself and these people who i speak to at the pca agencies are actually PROFESSIONAL and they act willing to help me and answer any questions while NOT assuming i'm mentally handicapped (UNLIKE certain relatives who act too entitled to be "advocating" for me when they told their deceased aunt they would), so they'd be trying to take advantage of my situation LIKE THEY TRY TO DO HERE IN MINNESOTA (ASSUMING I'LL LIVE HAPPILY ON SOCIAL SECURITY- GOING MINDLESSLY TO COURAGE KENNY WHILE THEY DON'T ACTUALLY HELP ME- THEY JUST HELP ME BE SATISFIED BEING DISABLED AND DOING NOTHING TO FURTHER MYSELF- SINCE I DON'T HAVE ADVOCACY TO MAKE SURE I PROGRESS). i did NOT get that impression from any of them and they didn't give me the feeling that i was bothering them or not being serious about why i called. i hope that i can just get what i need to get done without my case manager because if i can't- then i'll be researching who i CAN talk to who will actually do their damn jobs.

i'll just do it MYSELF like always.

i took a shower, then ate while fredrick went to the store to pick up my meds and some groceries. so i remembered that my psychologist wrote down for the ics workers to assist me in making a list of pca agencies in boston and calling them to find out if they have waittimes and about if they'd assist me and other questions i might have. i called ics and the ics worker came to my place, i had planned on having a phone conversation with my trustee about moving plans and she emailed me back (because last night in bed, i emailed her saying that i thought an in-person meeting might be more appropriate for such a big decision) and she agreed with me- so we scheduled that meeting in 2 weeks. then i came to my computer and i opened the list i had started for pca agencies in boston. i called three pca agencies and i had to leave a message for 2 of them. the other one gave me prices for their services and we had a conversation about what kind of assistance i needed. a little after i got off the phone with the one who answered, one of the two agencies that i left a message for returned my call. i asked them how much their services were and i told them information about me and they asked me questions. i think that both of the women i spoke to about pca services asked me why i wanted to move to boston from minnesota and i told them that i just took a trip there and it was an interesting place and it seemed like there'd be more opportunities for me there compared to minnesota. i think both of them asked me if i had family there and i said, "no.. but it's not like they really help me now here." so i'm pretty sure they were both surprised that i wanted to move from minnesota but they got the picture of why i want to move there. so i'm not sure if i surprised them with the fact that not EVERYONE in minnesota feels they have opportunities. OH SURE. I HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK LIKE A MINDLESS HANDICAPPED IDIOT THAT GOES TO SOME SAD EXCUSE OF A "REHABILITATION" CENTER WHO TAKES ADVANTAGE OF THEIR UNADVOCATED VULNERABLE CLIENTS! WHAT A LIFE!.. NOT. no wonder why i have PTSD.

did i judge correctly?

i was just thinking on the other hand, i'm pretty sure amy was calling me to see what time she should be at my place for the meeting since it's obviously important. this meeting could determine where i ultimately end up for many years and she probably expected me to expect her to be at my place for it. i didn't wanna seem so demanding and/or inconvenience anyone with my life. i forgot to remember that these people get paid to ensure i'm making wise and safe decisions. staying here in minnesota has lead to nothing but depression and a remainder of the time unemployed. i hope i can be more constructive in concord. i also hope i made the correct decision by telling amy i just wanted to have our first meeting about living in massachusetts only a phone interview. the ics tried to reassure me and told me that it should be alright. i'm not sure if i should take their advice because i'm unsure if they're just trying to help themselves and the meeting goes wrong because she would've understood better PERSONALLY. i'm probably just overthinking though. i hope that if the meeting needs more information, we can just have an in-person meeting afterward. i anticipate there to be more than one meeting that's pertaining to me moving to massachusetts though. this is probably the first- even though i don't want it to be a disaster so they just decide to try to talk me into staying in an opportunity-less state with support from most of my family (which is the ONLY reason why i'm even here) only when it's convenient/beneficial for them (except joe- he's the only family member who actually talks to me now). i'm sick of wasting my potential for people that don't even support/care for me when it's convenient/beneficial for THEM.

WHO has to deal with the consequences of these choices? ME. so mind your own.

amy emailed me back and asked if i wanted to have an in-person meeting or if a phone conversation about what i'll all need to live in boston was okay because that's what she had planned. i don't really see any reason why i should have an in-person meeting to discuss this that can't be discussed over the phone.. not right away anyway- so i said a phone conversation during my ics meeting tomorrow seemed alright to me. i mentioned my frustration with how ics gave the people at the boston housing business the impression that i needed more assistance than i ACTUALLY do (they probably assume it's better to have more help than not enough help). however- it's not fair because it impedes on my independence and more than likely privacy because i've ALREADY had 24 hour pca assistance when i lived in minneapolis and some of the time in burnsville (i think most of the time). fredrick's hours got cut down to only five hours a day with me now- i don't wanna be forced to go back in my progress just because it's more convenient for other people to ignore everything i've already been through and make money off of "helping" me when i don't even really need that much help. for instance- i'm sure boston or massachusetts in general has a similar system to what i use now for emergencies (my health alert necklace that i press if i need help in emergencies). plus- whenever i fall, i always manage to make sure (as much as i can) to avoid hitting my head and finding a way to get back up on my own. i don't honestly remember the last time i had to press the button. i'll never get outta this state and live MY own damn life if people keep advertently ignoring what I'VE ALREADY done in my life just for the convenience of people who don't have to deal with all the consequences of the choices being made. by taking away my choices and independence will NOT make going back to a state based on assistance look anymore damn appealing to me- it'll more than likely irritate me more and i'll make people sorry that they didn't help me move OUT of this state. i'm AWARE of what i'm getting myself into and the fact that you assume i'm not irritates the fuck outta me. i'm NOT YOU. i am my own person who has obviously experienced more than you if you're gonna make these stupid ignorant assumptions about me. don't assume you'll scare me either. i'm not as naive as you or my mom.
i'm pretty sure i discovered how the person who stole money from me got access to my lockbox. i used to have TWO copies of my lockbox keys on my lanyard and no one has given me problems about this before because i've had them both on my lanyard ever since i lived in burnsville i think. i asked douglas if he knew where the other copy of the lockbox keys were and he said, "no you know where they are. i need to go to sleep, i have work at 4." i don't "know where they are" because if i did- i wouldn't be asking him. so there's another suspect. it disgusts me to see people think they can steal from a person- who is disabled and basically unemployed when the thief more than likely is employed and not disabled. i do EVERYTHING i can to help other people when they need help. i end up getting stole from. whatever. they'll get theirs.

still preparing..

i got up and got ready for my eye appointment, then i called my lyft ride. the lyft vehicle came and picked me up and brought me to the eye doctor. the eye doctor said my eyes looked good and i didn't need to change the prescription in my glasses.
then i came home and had lunch and took a shower. i called the ics # and abdul told me that i didn't have ics until after the meeting he claimed amy called the ics office to tell them i'm having an interview on friday to talk about what i'll need to move to boston. i asked him what time the meeting was and he said he didn't know- so he may be lying just to get outta having ics with me or he doesn't know but i really don't see amy telling them she's having a meeting with the ics workers and i with no planned exact time.
then i started making my list of pca providers in massachusetts, so in case we actually do have the interview- i'm prepared. i thought i found some at work yesterday but i can't find them on my cell phone (i didn't actually make an ACTUAL list.. i just assumed they'd save in open windows in thumbnails).
i checked my lock box and fredrick claims that no money is missing. i don't remember exactly how much i had the last time i checked- so i'm just gonna take his word for it because i know he doesn't like douglas and he's telling me it's all there when he could've got me pissed off at douglas by telling me i had more money.

The.. all I am is a bank?

i just woke up this morning and realized that douglas and the girl that he had with him the last time he was here, were more than likely stealing from my lock box. i found the keys to my lockbox in my couch the other day and i remember the girl quickly moving the bag that i had my keys in like she was quick trying to hide something and over $100 dollars was missing from it another time i checked and douglas had just been at my place. i'm going to check the lockbox with fredrick when he comes at 7:30.