so the verdict is..

alright.. i'm gonna give this a little while to hit me. reality hit me a little in the lyft vehicle ride on the way back from gillette phalen. i started to cry but then it came to me that crying about it won't help anything- just like hating the driver of the cause of what was told to me won't help me and/or won't do anything to make MY situation any better. I HOPE HE HAS A GREAT FUCKIN LIFE. WITH HIS FAMILY AND BEING ABLE TO DRIVE AGAIN AND MOVE AROUND LIKE A NORMAL PERSON WITHOUT TAKING THE RISK OF FALLING AND HURTING HIMSELF. HIS MOTHER, WIFE, AND SISTER ARE PROBABLY SAYING IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T GO TO CHURCH ENOUGH. i took the same tests that i remember taking when i took this test to see if i could drive again at gillette- the lady said it was about 7 or 8 years ago. i said to the therapist, "i don't understand why i see a lot of people who aren't half as ambulatory as i am driving." the lady said, "well- you might be physically capable of driving but there are other factors too.. the tests you took 7 years ago had basically the same score as then and you pretty much failed them then.. looks like your cognitive abilities were effected.. have you spoken to psychologists or other mental help about this before?" i'm not sure if she said that because this was such bad news and how dealing with the changes would affect me in life. i wasn't even fucking drinking A DROP of alcohol the night of my accident that gave me a traumatic brain injury (which is the reason why the alcohol didn't paralyze my immune system and i got so hurt in the accident- UNLIKE the driver.. i'm sure the guy who died in back was drinking also but he was probably in an area of the car that got more smashed up). i always try to think about the positive in bad situations and i sighed and said to her, "well.. at least i don't have to worry about gas prices.." then the therapist laughed and said, "i guess you're right." my grandma used to always tell me that eventually nobody would be driving because of the advancement in technology.. i kinda figured she was full of shit. i feel like eating a huge pizza to distract from this shitty ass news but i'm sure i'd be paying for it on the toilet later. i didn't even fuckin have my driver's license for a year and then i got too fucked up to use it and i figured i'd be fine starting over with my permit but i KNOW nobody's gonna ask for another opinion on this- so i just have to deal with being a handicap idiot who can't drive- maybe something will come along so i don't have to suffer so long through this shit. i think back to elle woods saying on legally blonde, "EVERYWHERE HAS VALET ANYWAY!" but knowing my luck- i'll end up living in a shitty ass place like minnesota for the rest of my life with a shitty ass transportation system i have to wait forever just to get a damn ride. anything i wanna do now is gonna be more difficult to do now that i know i'm not supposed to drive anymore. i'm not sure of the next time i talk to my psychologist but it'd be helpful now.

NEGLECTFUL INTENDING ON KEEPING ME THE SAME. WTF IS NEW?

a lady called me today from the ymca to check on how things were going for me. i asked her if she knew where the driving assessment i'm having tomorrow is and she said she didn't know. i called my care coordinator and left a voicemail for him to no response. i hope if these people actually know this information that they know that if i fail that assessment or don't even show up at it tomorrow because i don't know where it is- i AM moving and never returning to minnesota. people think they can put limitations on my access to things which will ACTUALLY help me to just keep me from progressing and/or getting what I want done.. ANOTHER BIG REASON WHY I'M MOVING FROM THIS GOALLESS UNHELFUL STATE. i was just thinking of the reasons why i've never wanted to live in this state since on bob's burgers- linda was trying to preach to tina how she should appreciate where she's at before being so strung on moving other places. this state puts it's limits on me especially now that i'm disabled. like the only thing they think i'm capable of is going to courage kenny where they underestimate their clients (the ones who don't have advocacy) so they can take advantage of no one paying attention to them and say they need to keep attending their unhelpful facilities doing the SAME OLD SHIT. when i got in a car accident- they should've just buried me also because no one (except for joe) actually respects me enough to support me in the way I want to be supported because it's inconvenient and/or unbeneficial to them to assist me in helping me live the life I want to live. i know i've said this numerous times and because no one (EXCEPT JOE) really cares about me to care about what I want for MY life because it doesn't benefit them in anyway.

I GET IT.

i just scheduled another interview next monday at a hotel in eagan. then i realized that i was supposed to be having ICS at 2:30. so i called them and abdul answered the phone and he asked me what i wanted to work on and i told him that i wanted to look at the letter i got from the housing company in concord. he said, "yeah. we already looked at that on monday when you got it, remember?" and i said, "yeah but i wanted you to explain it to me." then he said, "we already went over it on monday, don't you remember?" it's really irritating me that people who are SUPPOSED to be "supporting" me act like they've never worked with a person with a traumatic brain injury before. i wanted to ask amy if she's ever worked with someone who had a tbi but i must've forgot. then they treat me overly cautious (TRYING TO APPEAR "HELPFUL") about everything else and ignore respecting that i have MEMORY ISSUES due to my traumatic brain injury ALSO. they're short term memory problems though- i can usually remember things that happened a long time ago. which is also why i write random things on pieces of paper all over my apartment to remember. minnesota is the best for disabilities MY ASS. that doesn't entitle me to go back in my rehab. progress JUST to make minnesota actually look like they actually HELP people. i was reminiscing something about courage kenny yesterday and someone stopped me and said, "wait.. i thought courage kenny was supposed to be helpful?" OVERRATED. they don't help people unless they have advocacy to stroke their dicks. i think it might've been the lady who told me i looked like an attorney at sabathani yesterday. i'm beginning to think God put me in this position to see the difficulties disabled people have to go through in order to get advocacy and what they TRULY need. i get the picture, God. no one in this state helps the disabled unless it's convenient or beneficial to THEM. now, get me outta this hell.

SAME OL' STORY

i'm thinking i should lift more weights so people in prison won't push me around when i get arrested for not doing my taxes. i wanted to ask amy if she's ever worked with a vulnerable adult without much advocacy- i should ask her next week at the meeting about what i'll need to live in concord that we're having. i don't count on amanda being there but i told joe when the meeting was, in case people try to team up on me and just get nothing done (which i kinda think MIGHT happen). i lifted weights for a little while earlier, i should probably go lift more. i could be a patsy in prison who just does everything the tough prisoners want so nobody really messes with me though. in the back of my mind, i think to myself, "well they didn't even throw grump in prison for not paying his taxes. they may not throw me in prison." then i remember he's a rich prick and i'm a poor minority.. so they'll probably just be like, "OH GOD. ANOTHER ONE OF THESE." and throw me in my cell. i think that the only hope i have for myself is that i always somehow manage to find the good things in bad situations. i know i've asked amy for her supervisor and she unsurprisingly never got back to me with an answer. hm.. i'll deal with that. i've also been applying for jobs randomly on indeed and i told my job coach that i'm pretty sure i found an apartment in massachusetts but i'm not sure how long it'll take to actually get me there- so i was unsure if i should mention it to my potential employers and she said, "well.. we're just trying to get you working!" so i'm not sure what to make of that because KNOWING MY LUCK- after i tell the employers i'm gonna be moving- i won't get any jobs and my plans to move to massachusetts will go in the dumpster or it'll take 5 years just to move there.

deep thinking discoveries..

i'm beginning to wonder if amanda isn't embezzling money from me to get her salon hair products again because amy seems to be so tight about my money and she told me that my trust wouldn't last but a few more years. i spend maybe $100 or $150 at tops on credit card purchases a month. maybe a little less or a little more depending on what goes on each month. my trust doesn't pay my rent and she hasn't purchased a car or house for me yet- so those possibilities are out of the picture. i swear i caught some beauty salon products being subtracted from my account (and i don't use those at all- never have and probably never will.. tresemme is enough for my hair) when brian was handling my money a long time ago until i said something to him. if that shit is happening again, it's obvious who respects me and who doesn't. she's done absolutely NOTHING for me to deserve ANY of MY money. my trust should be investing enough money to be gaining money and NOT losing money so it'll be "non-existant" in a few years according to amy. this thought comes up in my head almost every night while i'm trying to fall asleep- so needless to say, i usually don't get to bed until late- i try to distract myself with aqua teen hunger force and my cpap WHEN IT ACTUALLY WORKS. which is needed MORE THAN LIKELY thanks to the second-hand smoke i breathed in thanks to my mom and grandma. i've NEVER tried to smoke cigarettes IN MY WHOLE LIFE- they just never tempted me or seemed appealing. so i have problems breathing and i also have ptsd thanks to my loving family. NO WONDER WHY EVERYONE (ALL MY FAMILY BUT JOE) WANTS TO CLING TO ME BECAUSE MISERY LOVES COMPANY and they'd feel inadequate if someone who went through more shit than them and came from the same place is ACTUALLY doing something with their lives!.. i miss when all those assholes just minded their own damn business. i'm referring to my mom and my sister mostly (they're probably wetting themselves seeing that i mentioned them in my blog). my brother is the only other person in my family who minds his OWN business- i'm guessing it's my dad's genes, seeing as my sister DOESN'T have the same dad as my brother and i and she seems to have a problem minding her own business LIKE MY MOM. i made that discovery when over-thinking one night when i was trying to fall asleep i think.

who's gonna ACTUALLY do their jobs to *HELP* -ME-?!

so i did what amy told me to do and asked my ics workers to help me with my taxes. abdul answered the phone and said, "well- that's your trustee's responsibility.. there's nothing that we can really do.. i suppose you could google accountants but that's your trustee's job." then i said, "yeah, i know. when i had my previous trustee, brian, HE'D ALWAYS HAVE THIS TAKEN CARE OF. NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN- THAT I HAVE ICS SHE FEELS LIKE SHE CAN PUT THIS JOB ON SOMEONE ELSE." my cousin joe had made the remark that amy didn't seem like she wanted to work. she hasn't helped me move, she doesn't wanna help me with my taxes, WHAT THE FUCK DOES SHE WANT TO DO?! what's she getting paid for?.. just telling me that i can't spend my money in ways that would give me more opportunities- THAT'S HOW. i know she's in the damn office when i call her and her receptionist always tells me that she's busy and puts me in her voicemail. SO I HAVE SOMEONE CONTROLLING MY MONEY THAT WON'T EVEN SPEAK TO ME. THAT'S GREAT. MY ADVOCATE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT. JUST AS LONG AS I'M GOING TO THE COURAGE CENTER TO PLEASE HER IN-LAWS WITH ANOTHER MINDLESS HANDICAPPED CLIENT THEY CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF TO MAKE THEMSELVES LOOK GOOD! if i get in trouble for not filing my taxes- IT'S ALL ON HER FOR NEGLECTING A VULNERABLE ADULT SHE'S BEING PAID TO ASSIST. YOUR CALL, LAZY ASS!

my responsibilities..

i got my taxes from first fiduciary and it says i'm supposed to give a copy to my tax preparar or accountant. i told amy i received the taxes form because i assumed she'd have me send her a copy of it and take care of it since that's what brian ALWAYS did when he was my trustee- she put the responsibility on me (BECAUSE YOU KNOW.. IT IS MY JOB THAT I'M BEING PAID TO TAKE CARE OF MY OWN MONEY *rolls eyes*) and made it seem like I should automatically know an accountant who will do my taxes for me. if she doesn't come up with someone- i'm gonna have to tell the only family member who gives a damn about me. he brought up filing a complaint about her not doing her job when i told him about another problem i had with her. it feels so nice to go through hell and not have anyone that will advocate and makes sure that no one fucks you over (with an exception of joe). i'm so glad i didn't die in the car accident. now people can refuse to do their jobs properly when handling my care! thanks for giving me something to be thankful for. (if you can't tell i'm being sarcastic- you should kick yourself in the ass) i can also have people act like they "care" about me by trying to send me BACK in my rehab. progression to make other people look they actually care about me and to gain points from their in-laws to get them another client to go to the shitty overrated ridiculous excuse of a "rehabilitation" center known as courage kenny. when a person goes into rehab... they follow steps and i'm way past that shit. they got their kicks outta underestimating me and putting me on machines that my living room wall can do. i just realized i've explained this shit a million times and it still doesn't matter because amanda and her stupid in-laws obviously don't care enough about MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE to even consider what i think and what goes on really matters to them. no more. especially since i'm gonna be getting outta this shithole state which only thinks i'm capable of mindlessly attending courage kenny.

impending plans.. hope i'm prepared.

i got up and got ready for the day, then i had ics. ics helped me check if the lady from the apartment in massachusetts emailed me. i was kinda worried that i missed an email from them and i checked earlier on my own. i'm not really sure about what i all need to make sure i'm all prepared to move. the lady at the apartment told me to make sure i have all my arrangements for cable and internet if i plan on having them but zen said i can't make plans for that until i have my address and i know exactly which apartment i'm gonna be in. i just don't wanna be caught shit outta luck so i'm unprepared to move. hopefully that doesn't happen or at least not for too long. i also wanna make sure i get a job coach to help me find employment asap because i don't wanna be stuck being unemployed because it was too inconvenient for anyone to make sure i stay constructive in life, working a job which can keep me constructive, useful, and busy.

*GASP* i AM aware of the LACK of "support" and "care" i receive from THIS state!

this morning, one of the ics managers (i'm pretty sure anyway- i remember her and the manager showing up at one of my care meetings and amy (although it might've been gaby because it was so long ago) they were planning that they'd try not to get me thinking about moving to new york anymore and planning on making living in this apartment to block any hopes to move there- but i still wanna move out east). people are ignoring the facts that i'm a HUMAN BEING with a WORKING MIND who WANTS to actually do SOMETHING with her life OTHER than live on social security- depending on the government for my income- ERASING ANY FREEDOMS I HAVE WITH THE MONEY I SPEND. she looked at my calendar hanging in my kitchen where i write all my appointments on and she seen that i have a driver's evaluation this friday on it. she asked me anxiously, "OOO! I SEE YOU HAVE A DRIVER'S EVALUATION ON FRIDAY WITH HEALTH PARTNERS! ARE THEY LIKE COURAGE KENNY?!" then i said, "NO.. courage kenny failed me THREE OR FOUR TIMES SAYING "NEEDS MORE THERAPY". they're trying to take advantage of their clients who are UNADVOCATED for because i seen A LOT of people who drive and are less ambulatory than i am. WHERE'S THEIR NEEDS MORE THERAPY COMMENTS?!" james has his license AND a car he can drive AND he's quadriplegic, he can't walk but he can move his hands and arms. SO WHERE'S HIS "NEEDS MORE THERAPY" COMMENT?! he's got ADVOCACY from parents who ACTUALLY CARE about him. i hear in my head the people in the east right now asking me why i didn't get my driver's license from minnesota since they have the courage center. IF ANYONE ACTUALLY GAVE A FUCK ABOUT ME- I WOULD'VE HAD MY LICENSE A LONG FUCKIN TIME AGO. I HAVEN'T HAD MY DAMN DRIVER'S LICENSE IN TWENTY FOUR DAMN YEARS. THE FURTHEST I COULD GET MYSELF WAS MY DRIVER'S PERMIT. I DID NOT GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE TAKEN AWAY FROM ME- IT JUST EXPIRED AND I NEVER RENEWED IT BECAUSE I WASN'T REHABILITATED RIGHT AWAY, SO DRIVING JUST SEEMED POINTLESS BECAUSE I WASN'T AMBULATORY RIGHT AWAY OR REALLY ABLE TO DRIVE (WHICH DID SWITCH WHEN I GOT MY DRIVER'S PERMIT AND I TOOK ALL THOSE DAMN DRIVING LESSONS THAT MY TRUSTEE CONVENIENTLY CAN'T FIND RECORDS OF AND SO I NEVER RENEWED IT.) "WAIT TIL I DIE- AMANDA WILL HELP YOU GET YOUR LICENSE AND SHE'LL GET YOU TO NEW YORK!" i heard that bullshit probably EVERY damn night the last two years of my grandma's life said by my grandma. she either didn't care about me or she was just uncaringly naive. it's probably a mix now that i think about it. THANKS AMANDA! YOU'VE DONE NOTHING FOR ME SINCE MY GRANDMA DIED! YOU'RE THE BEST. i just hope you get to feel what it's like to be underestimated and lacking advocacy so you can't do anything YOU TRULY want. it probably won't happen now.. but when you're older.. things may be a different story, einstein. karma's a bitch. you'll see how it feels to lose everything after you have everything. MAYBE YOUR FELON OF A PRESIDENT WILL HELP YOU!.. chances are he'll be too damn worried about keeping his fat ass away from all the deserved punishments though. all i'm gonna say is health partners better not pull that "WELL YOU'LL BE LIVING SOMEWHERE THEY HAVE A GOOD TRANSPORTATION SYSTEM! I DON'T SEE WHY YOU'LL NEED YOUR LICENSE!" bullshit because then I'M DONE WITH MINNESOTA. THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING WAY I'LL CHANGE MY MIND. courage kenny tried to pull that shit outta their ass and i haven't been back to that shithole excuse of a "rehabilitation" center. people seem to think i'm stupid and i forget shit- NO I DON'T DICKS. I'VE CAME WAY TOO FUCKING FAR FOR SOME JACKASSES TO JUST IGNORE MY PROGRESSION FOR THEIR FUCKIN CONVENIENCE BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ADVOCACY TO MAKE SURE THEY'RE ACTUALLY DOING THEIR FUCKING JOBS PROPERLY. joe has been helping me as much as he can though. OTHER THAN THAT- I GET ABSOLUTELY NO HELP OR CARE FROM ANY OF MY OTHER DAMN RELATIVES. I WASTED MY TIME IN THIS STATE FOR NOTHING. my family could care less. the ONLY relative who actually checked on me the last time i had surgery was joe. i'm positive he'll come see me in boston or wherever i end up. he video chatted with me while i was in the hospital last having surgery. i KNOW that amanda AND her mom had knowledge of me being in the hospital because i left BOTH of them voice mails telling them where i was. did either of them make an effort to see how i was doing? NO. or how about my OWN only living PARENT? HELL NO. i honestly was thinking that if she called me in the hospital, i was gonna scream in the phone, "ARE YOU HAPPY THAT I'M GETTING THIS SHIT DONE TO ME BECAUSE OF YOU?!" she's NEVER brought up holding me in front of her while my dad kicked me instead of her when he was aiming for HER, so she was using me as a shield and tried to cover it up by saying, "STACY IS HERE! DON'T FIGHT IN FRONT OF HER!" i've had MANY dreams reminiscing this, mostly during the time of my last surgery- almost as if God was explaining to me why i was having the surgery and going through everything i was.

trying to move to a place where people *ACTUALLY* do their *JOBS*

i just met with ics and he changed my clocks for me and reminded me to check my email about when the meeting about me moving to boston was. my case manager sent an email to me also, stating she won't be present when we're having this meeting. i'm not really sure why- my previous case manager, gregory, was at all the meetings about when i wanted to move to new york and even offered some resources (doing his JOB PROPERLY). i'm pretty sure a lot of these pca agencies would also prefer to speak to a case manager when dealing with someone moving but i've just been advocating for myself and these people who i speak to at the pca agencies are actually PROFESSIONAL and they act willing to help me and answer any questions while NOT assuming i'm mentally handicapped (UNLIKE certain relatives who act too entitled to be "advocating" for me when they told their deceased aunt they would), so they'd be trying to take advantage of my situation LIKE THEY TRY TO DO HERE IN MINNESOTA (ASSUMING I'LL LIVE HAPPILY ON SOCIAL SECURITY- GOING MINDLESSLY TO COURAGE KENNY WHILE THEY DON'T ACTUALLY HELP ME- THEY JUST HELP ME BE SATISFIED BEING DISABLED AND DOING NOTHING TO FURTHER MYSELF- SINCE I DON'T HAVE ADVOCACY TO MAKE SURE I PROGRESS). i did NOT get that impression from any of them and they didn't give me the feeling that i was bothering them or not being serious about why i called. i hope that i can just get what i need to get done without my case manager because if i can't- then i'll be researching who i CAN talk to who will actually do their damn jobs.