new places

i called my great aunt today, since i can NEVER get ahold of her daughter to tell her my issues. she has to be one of the only people in this world that ACTUALLY answers the phone when you call her the first time. well- she answered for me anyway. i told her that i wanna take a trip to mexico and see where i was born for my birthday since it IS my FORTIETH BIRTHDAY. then i told her how amy says i can't go because it costs too much. my grandma's sister asked me, "how much does it cost?" then i said, "well.. amy CLAIMED she asked the travel pca that i usually take and she says $40,000. but then my friend and i looked ourselves and it costs $800 or $900 round trip." then she said to me, "your dad's dead though." then i said, "yeah i know but i wanted to see where i was born and it IS my fortieth birthday." then she said, "oh.. yeah. you could see some of the carmona family there too!" and i said, "yeah.. i have a few of them my friends on facebook but most of them can't understand me." although i forgot to tell her that i've shared a few brief conversations with a few of them on facebook- using what i've learned in spanish class to help me understand.
i had ics today and it was after i checked my mail, so i couldn't get started on the second apartment i've got applications to specifically in massachusetts (other than the housing company automatically applying me to a few others). zen said it's located a little further away from boston than the last one but i said it'd probably just help me get my "foot in the door" so to speak as a massachusetts resident. so, zen needs to assist me in filling out this application on monday when we meet. housing in massachusetts seems to be easier and more available compared to new york.. so HOPEFULLY i get an apartment there sooner.
i was just thinking about how my grandma always used to tell me how my dad used to hit my mom and that's why he got chased to mexico by my grandpa. she did say that my dad never hurt me though because he "loved me to death". i was thinking about that and i read something in one of the books i read and online about how kids usually see which parent was the ACTUAL problem in marriages that end up in divorce and separating custody. so needless to say- i grew up with this idea that my dad wasn't a very nice person until life actually happened to me. so i started to question what was told to me, i tried to look at how my dad felt and i could understand him getting so frustrated with my mom because i often get frustrated with her myself. although, i've never actually hit her (unlike my sister when i was younger- like father, like daughter.. seeing as my sister had a DIFFERENT father than my brother and i but he still beat my mom). i'm thinking that my mom probably played victim (as she always does) and my grandpa got pissed off and chased him to mexico when he accidentally kicked me because MY MOM used me as a SHIELD while she was about to get kicked by my dad and she intentionally held ME up in front of my dad to make it seem like he should calm down because i was there and he ended up kicking ME instead of the true idiotic, selfish target. it took me nearly 40 years to realize that and also a few dreams reminiscing the situation. i KNOW that my dad was killed in mexico during a drug trading accident with the cartels. i have a right to see where i was born and my OTHER side of the family though. i also haven't got to really use my passport. even though i DO have DUAL CITIZENSHIP- i just wanna be sure i can actually return to this country after my trip because grump's fat ass would probably try to keep me there by saying i was an illegal alien or wtf even if i DO have a certificate of naturalization.

I GUESS PEOPLE THINK I'M STUPID- SO THEY CAN LIE TO ME.

i went to spanish today and then i came home and warmed up my supper. i called amanda and had to leave her another message (as usual), i told her i tried to ask amy if i could go to mexico and she ended up lying to me about how much the trip was, so i couldn't go because she claimed it was too expensive because my friend and i checked how much ROUND-TRIP TICKETS WERE AND THEY WERE NOT $40,000 AND NOW I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO FOR MY 40TH BIRTHDAY. i hate when people lie to me like i'm some kind of fuckin idiot who will believe everything they say because I'M SO STUPID! see the thoughts she puts in my head?! amanda probably likes that because she's probably hoping amy depresses me so much i end it all- I MADE A WILL. AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED- YOU GET ZILCH, NADA, NOTHING. gonna have to find something else to leave your kids when you die! besides- it's ridiculous that a person should have to call her own family members (especially when they have TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURIES) and basically beg them for support in VOICEMAILS which are NEVER returned. MY GRANDMA WOULD BE PROUD! talk about love. besides amy just sitting on my money and not investing it properly to make me any money.. she has her receptionist LIE to me and tell me she's not in the office and sends me to her voicemails which she ALSO selectively returns (she DOES return some every now and then though.. unlike amanda). so not only do i have an "advocate" who doesn't support me- I ALSO HAVE A TRUSTEE THAT HATES MY GUTS AND WE'VE GOT INTO YELLING ARGUMENTS ON THE PHONE A FEW TIMES! I'M SO SUPPORTED IN THIS SHITTY ASS STATE- IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY. *ROLLS EYES* i also still am sleeping without a working CPAP- so ANY NIGHT NOW.. I MAY STOP BREATHING AND NEVER WAKE UP! no wonder why i'm so fuckin tired during the day and it feels like the ground is shifting when i walk at times. i did let people know and they usually say, "did you call your case manager about this?" and when i tell them i did and he doesn't answer my voicemails.. AS YOU CAN SEE- PEOPLE LOVE RETURNING MY CALLS!

maybe this will tell you that you should get something better to do?

i met with ics today and i wanted to make sure i had everything that i needed to for the housing company i registered with in massachusetts(so they wouldn't pull the rug out from under me without notice and say, "well you didn't provide us with this information on time!" but zen pretty much reassured me that i had everything in).
it irritates me that my mom for some reason finds it necessary to make it seem like she's concerned or worried about me. tell me.. were you worried about me while you were holding me in front of my dad while he kicked you? or is it just selective concern or wtf to get attention? i have dreams reminiscing when i got kicked by my dad BECAUSE OF YOU. you're definitely NOT in the clear with me for this shitty parenting. it's like God was trying to tell me why i was going through the SECOND surgery i went through (because of YOU) the last time i had the dream. you've NEVER brought it up to me.. probably because you're ashamed at your reaction to him kicking you (which was hold ME in front of you so he'd kick me and NOT your dumbass). SO IF YOU HAVE THAT MUCH RESPECT NOT TO APOLOGIZE TO ME FOR IT- THEN I HAVE THE RESPECT TO REFUSE TALKING TO YOU AT ALL. people are probably saying, "that's a little harsh not to talk to your mom again.." WERE YOU THERE? HAS YOUR MOM HELD YOU IN FRONT OF YOUR DAD WHEN HE WAS KICKING HER BUT KICKED YOU INSTEAD? NO? didn't fuckin think so. did you have to have not one but TWO (so far) surgeries on your abdominal organs because your mom held you in front of your dad while he was kicking her? i'll probably end up having to shit in bags now! THANKS A LOT. don't tell me how i should react to having a negligent bum of a mom who refuses to take accountability FOR ANYTHING. newsflash bitch, i'm NOT grandma. i don't feel accountable for your so-called "disability". since when is being a shitty person a disability? maybe you and your heifer daughter will find something or someone else to amuse themselves with. being related to me does NOT give you a pass to fuck my life up since your lives are so fucking pathetic. don't start with me. maybe this will make you mind your own fucking business for once.. i doubt it- people like you guys don't have anything better to do than attempt to pull others down to your levels. i'm not sure why the hell my mom is convinced that i'm ANYTHING like her? she enjoys crying victim, i DO something about the problem (don't be a bitch- as kevin hart says). like she assumes that just because i happen to have a brain injury, i'll just lay down and cry victim just like HER. vulnerability ISN'T "cool" to me. being helpless isn't COOL either. i'm working on trying to get working again. i don't happen to have parents who owned an apartment and actually CARED about me like she did. i read those reports that social security is gonna be non-existant soon. my grandma used to always say naively to me, "OH! THEY'LL NEVER GET RID OF SOCIAL SECURITY!" this is the same woman who CLAIMED a black man could never be president. obama was TWICE. i voted proudly for him TWICE. i remember driving my electric wheelchair to the convention center with maurice and both of us thought it was so great to vote for him. i still think it was great to vote for the first black president. he has more sense than the joke we have as "president" now. you redumplikkkans will learn that voting for that racist heifer just because he hates the same people you do- was a COMPLETE MISTAKE when you lose your fuckin jobs because they're sent overseas because he's such a fuckin idiot that has his hand in his russian pimp daddy's pants. i have RESPECT and INTEGRITY. you idiots also have never been prevented from taking a trip to where you were born for your 40th birthday because of incompetent, selfish trustees who don't know how to do their fuckin jobs.

MAYBE i *DO* have birthday plans!

douglas came over last night and he had asked me what i was doing for my birthday- i told him that i WANTED to go to mexico but my trustee, amy said it was too expensive. he asked me how much it was, i said, "well- my trustee said she asked the travel pca and she said it was 40 thousand." then douglas' eyes widened and said, "AH.. I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT MUCH!" and i said, "i don't know. it seemed kinda expensive to me too." then he said, "WE'LL LOOK AT HOW MUCH FLIGHTS COST TO MEXICO!" so he took out his cell phone and looked, i think i remember they were around $800-$900. so amy gets her joys in lying to me and ruining my plans. douglas said to me, "man.. you should get a NEW TRUSTEE if she's gonna lie to you about that! she's probably stealing money from you!" then i said, "yeah.. she was probably planning on embezzling or pocketing the difference." if she gets her rocks on ruining my plans/life (she ruined my FORTIETH BIRTHDAY PLANS)- SHE'LL DO ANYTHING. then douglas said, "WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING ON YOUR BIRTHDAY! YOU DON'T EVEN SPEND MONEY OUT OF YOUR TRUST! WE GOTTA GO TO THIS PLACE WITH OLD VIDEO GAMES.. OR A STRIP CLUB OR SOMETHING.." then i said, "LET'S GO TO THE STRIP CLUB!" then he said, "HELL YEAH. THERE'S RICK'S CABARET.. THERE'S SMOKEY'S.. THERE ARE A BUNCH MORE IN MINNEAPOLIS.." then i said, "okay! we can go there then because you only turn forty ONCE!" if amy's not gonna let me spend my money responsibly on a trip to where i was born- I'LL JUST DROP A FEW HUNDREDS ON THE STRIP CLUB FLOOR AND I'LL MORE THAN LIKELY GO CRAZY IN THE STRIP CLUB. THAT'S WHERE SHE TURNED ME TO. THANKS A LOT. i told douglas that amy was the first and only trustee i've had who is a female (i just remembered this older lady before dirk who was my trustee now.. she wasn't my trustee for long though, my grandma liked her because she said that i should get to spend my money however I wanted because it's MY life) and she's (amy) the only one who's gave me troubles, my previous trustee, brian, would've tried to find an alternative right away which was more affordable if he was still my trustee. SHE CAN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE MONEY I SPEND IN THE STRIP CLUB BECAUSE SHE WAS THE ONE WHO SHUT DOWN MY PLANS TO GO TO MEXICO- THAT'S WHAT YOU GET. i have a feeling she'll put a block on my spending now- considering i only had GOOD INTENTIONS FOR MY FORTIETH BIRTHDAY AND SHE DIDN'T OFFER ME ANY CHEAPER ALTERNATIVES- I'M PRETTY SURE I WILL BE GETTING A NEW TRUSTEE. YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF. so TRY IT. SEE WHAT HAPPENS. douglas even put my birthday in his cell phone, so he'd remember to help me make plans for it.

getting closer to the grave.. THAT'S ALL.

douglas asked me yesterday if i had any plans for my birthday and i said, "no. just like EVERY other year." i HAD hoped to go to the place i was born but i can't even do that because amy says it's too expensive. EVEN if it's for my FORTIETH birthday and YOU ONLY TURN 40 ONCE IN YOUR LIFE. i'm pretty sure brian would've tried to find an alternative for me seeing as it IS my fortieth birthday. can't expect good things to happen in my life though.

depending on a machine that DOESN'T work to sleep will be the *END* of me.

i attempted to call the number that my care coodinator emailed me to fix my cpap and i got ahold of someone who asked the ics worker helping me what the sticker on the cpap said and they'd see if they had me in their systems. she told them and they didn't- so the only way i can get it fixed is if i bring it to the address she texted me. i think i got like 4 or 5 hrs. of sleep last night and it just feels like i'm falling when i walk sometimes. "YOU GOT THIS!".. the line used to avoid the responsibility of ACTUALLY helping me. some person from another hotel called me today about some hiring event they have on friday- i THINK i'm gonna attempt to go to it- i'm pretty sure i seem to be a morning person so i wanted to try to go before spanish class at 3. hopefully i can get a job where i can work more soon. it makes me mad because over 20 fucking years after my accident and people still treat me like i'm a handicapped/disabled idiot. i've grown tired of correcting them because usually, what they think i am doesn't make a difference on REALITY but you're an idiot if you don't understand why i'm so pissed off/irritated a lot of the time. you're an unempathetic fool who just needs to mind their damn business and LEAVE ME ALONE because you obviously DON'T have my well-being in mind.. *COUGHS*AMANDA*COUGHS*MOM*COUGHS* go bother the daughter who is TRULY like you (NOT ME obviously).

wardrobe

i kinda wondered if i dressed appropriately today but i remember a few people i interviewed with in the past going outta their way to mention how women who work there generally wore leggings and a shirt during their shifts. so i wore some leggings (i have another pair but i can't really find them now, so i wore the ones i just ordered) and threw on a blouse and a blazer. fredrick said to me in the morning, "ARE YOU GONNA WEAR THAT?" and i said, "yeah." then he said, "i don't know if that looks good." then i thought to myself, "don't take fashion advice from him." so i finished getting ready and went to my interview in the morning, the guy who was interviewing me didn't look displeased or judgmental about what i had on, so i decided it was probably alright. i went to sabathani about 3 hrs. or so after the interview and i actually was praised on how i looked and another woman said she liked my blazer. scott runs the place and he didn't say anything to me about it being inappropriate or anything (it's not like i was showing my panties or any body part bare). he just said to me, "AH! STACY! LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN CATCHIN SOME SUN!" and i looked at him confused and said, "no.. but the sun likes me- so i probably attracted the sun." i looked in the mirror when i got home and i guess i do look a little darker. i honestly don't remember going out in the sun for that long but the sun DOES attract to me. i'd rather be tanner than white. i was thinking on my way home from sabathani about how hispanic/mexican people seem to get along better with black and how when i used to live with my family (seeing as i really only remember living at my grandparents' house more than my mom's) and when i went to school- there weren't any black kids in my school whatsoever. i actually like it better in this particular area with more black people because they treat me like i'm one of them. like i remember at a get-together to remember philando castile, they went out of their way to mention "BLACK AND BROWN PEOPLE NEED TO STAND TOGETHER!" because we ARE MINORITIES. some of my family's ignorant behavior towards black people doesn't turn me off of black people- it just embarrasses the hell outta me being related to such fucking ignorant idiots. it doesn't make you appear "tough" or "smart" being racist against people. grow the fuck up. we're all HUMAN BEINGS, you're not better than someone because it's not like they chose what color they are. i don't want anything to do with you dicks. i honestly grew up thinking white people were better than me because i was only half white. the kids i grew up around didn't help things either. that's also a major reason why i'm moving to an area which is more DIVERSE. i was traumatized. ignorant dicks are probably laughing sarcastically at me saying all this- you see that dicks? THAT'S THE REASON WHY I WANT TO GET THE FUCK OUTTA MINNESOTA. you're all a bunch of unempathetic ignorant pricks. except for joe and jay.

better than i expected.

i went to this last interview at the hotel which contacted me last week i think to ask if i was available for an interview. i'm THINKING that i've interviewed here before.. not only because i got the typical deja-vu feeling when i went into the hotel and told them i was there for an interview but also because the guy who was interviewing me himself asked me if i had interviewed there before because he recognized me from another time. hopefully he remembers me for a good reason. so at least i'm not the only one who got that deja-vu feeling, so i'm thinking i more than likely have interviewed there before. he asked me questions and i answered them honestly (and i'm pretty sure i didn't say anything i would regret- like i usually do). he said he'd get back to me in a few days about the job, in my past experience with interviews- they usually tell me they'll get back to me next week or when they're done interviewing people.. so HOPEFULLY he actually gives me good news in a few days. when i was on my way home, i DID get to see the shithole i FIRST lived at, i mean- i usually get to see a relatively close view on tuesdays when i go to sabathani, but this was from a different side of the apartment and i'm pretty sure it was closer. i'm going to sabathani community center in like a half an hour. my care coordinator got back to me about getting an appointment to get my cpap fixed sooner and said he'd send me an email of a provider who will ACTUALLY fix it because my insurance is ACTUALLY in network (which is why i suspected they pushed my original appointment out so far anyway.. people don't like covering my insurance). i think i got about 5 hrs of sleep last night, just because i turned my tv off earlier than usual in an attempt to help me get more sleep- i laid there with my eyes closed for probably around 2 hrs until i FINALLY fell asleep naturally. i can't breathe properly to sleep and NO- i've NEVER smoked cigarettes in my whole life (which i'm almost positive is part of the cause of my apnea- second-hand smoke). that's probably ONE of the causes- but the other cause probably is because of the SIDE EFFECTS to my palate surgeries because i remember reading a paper that said i might have to use a cpap in order to breathe properly when i sleep after i had the surgeries (there were at least THREE- including the minor ones to adjust the threads on my palate i'm pretty sure). i'm gonna get ready to go to sabathani now.

HOPEFULLY this one is better than the last!

i was getting ready and i heard my watch ringing- followed by my cell phone very faintly. so i answered the phone and it was a lady who was interested in scheduling an interview with me to work at some hotel, i had been talking to her on indeed because she said my experience at sabathani community center would help a lot at their hotel and she was interested in talking to me about a job there. i didn't really expect her to call today but it's good that she did, so i could get an in-person interview scheduled with her tomorrow.
i just had ics and i'm not really sure i should be expecting all the ics workers to help me do what I want help with even though they get PAID FOR IT. it seems like the only ics worker who really wants to help me with my move to concord is zen and all the other ones think they shouldn't have to help me.. except for abdul and this other ics worker i forget his name. i just hope i don't miss any opportunities for housing because i called concord myself today and asked them what the next steps were for housing and the lady acted like she didn't know what i was talking about, so i explained that i had to reject my last housing offer and they gave me another offer, so i wanted to know the steps. the lady said, "yeah.. i remember you rejecting the last offer.. but there's no housing opportunities available here right now.." so i'm not sure if it was some other housing company or if i misunderstood- because i'm almost positive that zen said that we'd have to talk to amy about making a trip to see this other apartment. zen doesn't come into work again until tomorrow and the ics meeting we have scheduled with each other is at the time as the interview i scheduled my interview with the hotel just about an hour ago. hopefully if i get hired at this hotel, it's not like the last time i got hired at a hotel when they tried to move me into the breakfast attendant position because that's the only opening they had when i interviewed for the FRONT DESK position. i'm pretty sure if i got a job working at a hotel in minnesota, i'd probably be a little more satisfied with living in this particular state because then i'd at least be doing something CONSTUCTIVE and RESPONSIBLE to keep my mind off of shit that goes on with me. i can't get that from being a mindless-handicap client of courage kenny. i know because i wasted at least 5 years doing that shit while getting absolutely NOTHING accomplished that i couldn't do safely and independently at my own damn apartment. attending that dump (courage kenny) would just make me feel vulnerable and give people a reason to think i was too handicapped to do anything because i attended a rehabilitation "institute" for other vulnerable adults who are disabled. PLUS- NOTHING i did at courage kenny is even relevant to anyone anymore- so WTF makes people think i wanna go back to a place where people don't recognize anything i do? DO PEOPLE REALLY THINK I'M THAT FUCKIN STUPID?! i don't have time for that shit. my presence is more valuable than that.

cognitive?

i think i forgot to mention about how i was thinking about how i SUPPOSEDLY failed the cognitive test i just took to determine whether i had the cognitive skills to drive. i'm not exactly sure how they're graded but i DO know that i didn't sleep well the night before i took it and *gasp* what a coincidence! I ALSO DIDN'T HAVE MY CONCERTA THAT MORNING! i remember taking a few of those in the past and i USED to be able to drive (so i obviously PASSED them). i was thinking.. if i failed that shit, i wouldn't have been able to have the ability to drive my electric wheelchair as well. OR DO THEY ONLY CARE ABOUT "COGNITIVE" SKILLS WHEN IT'S CONVENIENT FOR THEM?! nobody cares enough about me to advocate for me to get my driver's license again and i'm sure they assume the reason why i lost it was because i was drunk driving.. MY LICENSE EXPIRED AND I DIDN'T HAVE A DROP OF ALCOHOL IN MY BODY. THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T HAVE IT TO PARALYZE MY IMMUNE SYSTEM AND PREVENT ME FROM GETTING A TBI. i learned that in the mothers against drunk driving victim impact panels i went to, AMANDA DOESN'T PAY ATTENTION TO THAT THOUGH! IT'S SOMEHOW MORE WORK FOR HER IF I GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE SO HER PHONY ASS "SUPPORTIVE" ATTITUDE FOR ME TO GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE ISN'T EVEN SOMETHING SHE FEELS IS CONVENIENT FOR HER TO HAVE. MY GRANDMA WAS FULL OF SHIT. AMANDA IS FULL OF SHIT. MUST RUN ON THAT SIDE OF THE FAMILY.

surprised i made it THIS long.

i was just brushing my teeth in the bathroom and fredrick was in the hall outside my bathroom and he said, "EY!! 15 YEARS AND DOWN!" i'm assuming he was saying i looked like i was 15 because i'm aware i look like a kid- probably because i don't really have many things that stick in my head to worry me (because i forget about them due to my TBI which affects my memory) and cause wrinkles and also- I'VE NEVER SMOKED (which DOES cause wrinkles- my mom is proof of it because she used to smoke- i'm pretty sure she still does because she's so damn careless but my sister claimed she quit). i told fredrick i'd be 40 next month- i don't believe i look it at all. more than likely THANKS to my DAD's genes.
i need to get a ticket for an airplane ride to see the apartment that was just offered to me, so i can view it and officially sign the papers which amy fucked up last time i got an offer and she said it was too short of notice and tried to gaslight me into thinking it was so short notice that we wouldn't have time to arrange a plane ride and hotel arrangements. guess what? i happened to look at my CHAMPS account and it said i was a member of the housing company for at least 4 damn years back when i got the offer.. SHORT NOTICE MY ASS. i told my good luck charm that i want a new trustee and they're looking into it. i also don't like the fact that when i call amy- she always has her receptionist lie and say she's busy or not in the office (i'm pretty sure i remember calling one time and the receptionist said to me, "OKAY MS. CARMONA.. I'LL CONNECT YOU TO HER NOW.. UH.. OH.. SHE JUST STEPPED OUT! CAN I PUT YOU INTO HER VOICEMAIL?") very RARELY do i ACTUALLY get to speak to her when i call the first time. brian NEVER used to have his receptionists LIE to me in order to cover his ass, so he couldn't speak to me. just in my experience- MEN trustees ACTUALLY know how to do their damn jobs CORRECTLY. amy is the first trustee i've ever had problems with and *GASP* she's a FEMALE! all my previous trustees were males, btw. i hear some woman saying in an irritating tone, "MENOPAUSE!" (i hear marlon wayans' voice in my head playing in White Chicks saying that). could be.. i don't know, not my business. she just shouldn't let that shit influence how she treats her own damn clients. so i plan on having zen advocate for me when speaking to her, so i can actually get shit done and not have it end up in another argument. i know she reads my blog also, so it just doesn't seem like a very responsible or wise way to perform your job when a client needs to do something and gives you enough notice to get it done and you put the brakes on the plans because it'd actually include you ACTUALLY having to do your damn job. brian should've made it CRYSTAL CLEAR that i'm NOT going to remain in this state. it's killing me psychologically. if anyone actually gave a damn about me- they'd realize that (joe is the only family member who does). you already fucked up my first housing offer- YOU DON'T GET ANY MORE FUCKUPS. i'm pretty sure i need to re-enroll in this housing company again if i reject this offer AND IT WILL BE YOUR ASS- ALONG WITH AMANDA'S IF I LOSE THIS OPPORTUNITY. DON'T FUCKIN PUSH IT. I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO LOSE ANYMORE- THOSE PEOPLE ARE THE CRAZIESTMOST DANGEROUS AND YOU BETTER BELIEVE I DO KEEP IN MIND THAT I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING LEFT TO LOSE WHEN MAKING MY DAMN DECISIONS. you already ruined my birthday plans for a trip to mexico- you're on your last leg. i'll just have to do NOTHING on my FORTIETH BIRTHDAY BECAUSE NOT EVEN I CAN TRY TO CELEBRATE IT HOW I WANT TO BECAUSE YOU SAID IT'D BE TOO EXPENSIVE. I'LL JUST HAVE TO SPEND MY 40TH BIRTHDAY ALONE LIKE ALL MY OTHER FUCKING BIRTHDAYS. it's surprising that i actually made it forty years having to deal with this shitty ass life. seeing psychologists to help keep me sane probably helps because NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME. my previous care coordinator used to always say that i was "all talk, no action".. i'm sure she said the same thing to her son who ended up committing suicide- i know he had a brain injury also. it irritates me that people just assume that my mom couldn't have possibly done this shit and can't be as shitty as a person as i say because she's mentally handicapped and she can't read! guess what dumbasses? i KNOW she CAN read because she asked me about something a while ago that you'd only know if you READ my blog. my psychologist said, "it could be your sister telling her what you say" but just judging by her questions about what i wrote, i could tell that she personally read it. i can't make people actually act like they give a damn about me- so i'll just have to continue to drag myself through this shit i call "life" until it ends. i'm not passing this shit down to my kids- which my mom DID do.. i don't give a fuck what you say to defend her- YOU DIDN'T SEE PERSONALLY HOW I WAS TREATED. MY SURGERY INCISIONS PROVE THE NEGLECT AND ABUSE. i DO have TWO of them going up my abdomen and on the side of my stomach (along with dreams flashing back to the incident when i was kicked as a little girl because my mom felt like no one gave a shit about my dad beating on her but if I got hurt as well- SHIT WOULD GO DOWN, so she held me in front of my dad when he was kicking her.. and it did- my grandpa got pissed and chased him back to mexico where my brother found out he died during a drug trading accident or something with the cartels)- I LOOK LIKE A FUCKIN VOODOO DOLL ALL STITCHED UP ALL BECAUSE OF MY IMMATURE PARENTS. you dicks can't condone her abuse and neglect now. GOTTA TRY SOMETHING ELSE, AMANDA! YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME THOUGH.. SO HELPING ME GET TO A PLACE WHERE I CAN ACTUALLY BE CONSTRUCTIVE AND HAPPY IS OF NO INTEREST TO YOU! I'M HANDICAPPED! I BELONG AT COURAGE KENNY WITH ALL THE OTHER HANDICAP PEOPLE! WTF MAKES ME THINK I'M CAPABLE OF ANYTHING ELSE? FORGET MY WORK EXPERIENCE, COLLEGE CREDITS, AND HOW I GRADUATED WITH HONORS! I ONLY MATTER WHEN IT'S CONVENIENT AND/OR BENEFICIAL TO YOU! RIGHT AMANDA?!