i have BETTER things to do.

when i was walking for 15 minutes up and down the hallway (like i do every day) this afternoon, the nurse who filled my anodyne machine came walking into my apartment to fill my anodyne machine and she said loudly, in a shocked tone, "STACY! IF COURAGE KENNY SEEN YOU WALKING TODAY! YOU SHOULD GO BACK THERE AND JUST WALK INTO THEIR FACILITY AND BE LIKE- HAH! I CAN WALK WITHOUT YOUR ASSISTANCE!" and i just kept walking and said, "nah." because the last time i tried to show up at their pathetic excuse of a facility without a walker or trekking poles, kevin (the physical therapist) bitched at me for showing up at courage kenny without a walker, trekking poles, or anything else assisting me to walk and told me never to return without my walker or trekking poles assisting me to walk because of LIABILITY (i didn't even come close to falling while walking). he assumed if i got hurt walking there without anything assisting me to walk, i'd sue the courage center because of liability or some bullshit. he just couldn't admit that he was butthurt because SOMEONE ELSE (TRAM) HELPED ME TO BECOME AMBULATORY and assumed he'd scare me because he assumed i was a gullible dumbass. so i'm just doing what he told me to do and NOT RETURNING without my walker, trekking poles, or something else assisting me to walk and i'm NOT returning (not even to rub it in their faces) because i have BETTER things to do and chances are, those fuckers would try to take credit for me gaining the ability to walk. so they (along with ANYONE and EVERYONE trying to get me to go back there and waste more of my fucking life there- you people obviously have NO respect for MY VALUES AND LIFE because you're convinced i'm not capable of anything but going to some pathetic overrated excuse of a rehabilitation center- which i attended for at least 5 years while my grandma was alive and be dependant solely on social security) CAN KISS MY ASS. kapeesh? kapeesh.

this is what you get when i don't get sleep.

i'm not sure how much sleep i DID manage to get last night.. i just remember waking up at about 2 and turning my tv off and struggling with my damn cpap. then i woke up at like 5 and couldn't get my cpap to stay on again.. i'm pretty sure i got pissed off at it and threw the mask on the floor and somehow managed to fall back asleep naturally- it probably took a while. seeing as the ics or ihs workers don't do what the fuck they're paid for and are just obviously trying to take advantage of the amount of time they get paid for assistance because they want fredrick's hours- the day they take me to stores to buy things, walk with me for 15 minutes a day, make sure i get all my meals, and make sure my clothes are clean is the day they CAN get paid more- TAKE ADVANTAGE OF SOME OTHER MENTALLY DISABLED VULNERABLE ADULT (since i'm convinced that's how they, most of my family (INCLUDING AMANDA but not joe) and other people i see around this place think i am). AFTER A LITTLE MORE THAN TWENTY THREE YEARS- I STILL GET CHARACTERIZED AND DEPICTED AS A DISABLED BUM- WHY'S THAT YOU ASK? LOCATION. IN OTHER LOCATIONS PEOPLE AREN'T WORRIED ABOUT LOOKING BETTER THAN THE OTHER PERSON- THEY MIND THEIR OWN FUCKIN BUSINESS AND ARE MORE WORRIED ABOUT THEMSELVES. from my experience in traveling to other locations. they aren't concerned about keeping their relatives and people they supposedly "care" about back from doing better than themselves or just doing things differently than what they're used to. they're also more supportive of people around them and want them to do as well as they can in life. people in this state try to keep me back from progressing to levels that aren't convenient for them and they ignore them because they don't wanna be bothered with even their own damn family. ISN'T THAT RIGHT AMANDA? i won't be thanking you for not helping me. i'm just gonna treat you the EXACT SAME way you treated me all these years.. so ignore you except for when it's convenient for ME. the reason why i'm pretty sure i don't plan on reproducing is based on how I was treated MYSELF by MY family particularly after my brain injury and the selective support i received from my family. i'm not making another human being go through the shit i've had to go through because some selfish pricks who are too worried about themselves to show any amount of "care" for anyone but THEMSELVES.

Inevitable destination

well- i'm stuck laying in bed because my damn cpap doesn't work and i was told by zen that i'm not supposed to call staff for them to fix it anymore because they're not allowed to deal with a life-saving device like a cpap.. kinda defeats the purpose of even having "assistance" being PAID to "!assist" you when they can just use the excuse they were told NOT to assist you. i was thinking and i'm pretty sure that my case manager is assisting to put me in a damn nursing home because on her last evaluation, she claims i need help with bathing and grooming- which i do NOT- the only assistance i require in the bath is getting in and out of the tub for safety reasons so i don't slip and/or fall when getting in or out if the tub. it just sucks because i get the picture they're doing everything possible to make it seem like i need to be put in a nursing home for their convenience and amanda doesn't care! so that's where i'm bound to end up.

explanation for showing up.

i forgot to mention that one of the main reasons why i still went to the in-person interview at the hotel today was because i received a reminder that i had an in-person interview with that particular hotel from indeed last night and i'm pretty sure it was AFTER i spoke to him on the phone. hopefully he takes my persistence as a good thing that i'm trying to show up when i need to and doesn't mistake it for a memory problem which may happen when i'm working- so he doesn't hire me because that's NOT what it was. i honestly thought i had an in-person interview today because of the indeed reminder. he didn't even cancel the interview reminder like i'm pretty sure he could have done.

Can’t do good for anything.

i made another mistake with the interview today.. i completely forgot that i told the guy who interviewed me on the telephone yesterday that the phone interview we had was enough- because he said he felt like he got to know everything he needed when i spoke to him on the phone, so i didn't need to do another in-person interview with him. he'll probably use the fact that i thought there was an in-person interview today against me- knowing my luck. i'll just have to keep lookin for a job!.. ah well- memory problems are just part of having a brain injury. sometimes i wonder why i even try anymore but it's because I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO!

hopefully this interview isn't blown..

alright- so i showed up at the hotel i THOUGHT the interview was at, turns out the interview was at the hotel ACROSS THE ROAD. so i walked my ass ACROSS the street, trudging with my cane and my heavy ass bag hanging from my neck across my shoulder (it'd fall off my shoulder if i just hung it on my shoulder because it's so heavy, secretly praying that i don't trip and fall while walking). the lady there called the guy that the person across the street told me the interview was with across the street and he told me i was there the wrong day and he said, "i thought the interview was tomorrow at this time.. can you schedule it then?" i wasn't in front of my calendar and i forgot that's the time when i usually volunteer at sabathani. i just remembered the supervisor's name, so i might call him or the other lady i have on my cell to tell her i'll be late tomorrow. these hotels either ALL look alike or this is deja-vu because i could've sworn i've been to a hotel EXACTLY like this one that my interview is at before. i hate when this deja-vu shit goes on.. half the time it happens because something bad is gonna happen or something good and it distracts me half the time when i'm supposed to be interviewing. i looked on the calendar on my wall and the job interview WAS today- so i had it correct.

and ANOTHER one.

i have another interview at a hotel this afternoon, it's getting kinda frustrating because it just shows how employers are so picky (it's good to be picky but i've seen a lot of places where the workers just seem to sit around.. ah well, i'm not their bosses). it feels kinda like they're discriminating against me though. the main thing i believe i need help with is when the person interviewing you asks if you have any questions for them. i asked my job coach and she said i put them in my backpack.. so i gotta look there again. i used to think that if you didn't have any questions for the interviewer, they'd get the impression that you didn't have questions because you were listening to the interview- my job coaches told me that a person should have questions to show their interest in the job- which i can understand. i usually do a good job just thinking of some off the top of my head- but it's obviously not good enough because i haven't gotten hired for a new job yet. i remember talking to douglas about the interviews i've had and he was surprised because he said when he has interviews, the employer usually gets back to him right away whereas my interviews- the employer always gives me a week or so. the difference between us two is obviously that he's not disabled. i was going to make the argument that it's also because he's not interviewing for a hospitality job but the job he's interviewing for assists people.. so that argument doesn't work.
my damn cpap makes my nasal passages burn after a while. i seen some nasal spray on my counter and i wonder if that won't help? it's enough of an inconvenience having to wear a stupid mask while you sleep and when it makes your nose burn- it just makes it more difficult to fall asleep.

can't REALLY feel bad about losing something i didn't have for long..

i suppose this news that i can't drive may be more upsetting if i had my driver's license for longer than about a month before i got too injured to be able to use it anymore. however, that doesn't reduce my frustration i'll be forced to have when applying to jobs (i can tell that employers want to hire employees who actually have a car/guaranteed way to and from work when i'm applying to jobs now.. i'm not sure if that's also why someone in boston asked me if i had a job and if i planned on working when i moved to boston- i think i told them that i needed something to keep me busy because bad things tend to happen when i'm not busy.. i just realized how much of a nut i probably came off but at least i was honest). i found two more pca companies to call tomorrow or when i get to it. i'm pretty sure this boston move is actually happening for me because one of the ics workers this morning was helping me with something (i can't remember what it was right now) and he said casually to me, "oh.. is that where you're moving?" NOT "is that where you're TRYING to move?" or "is that where you WANT to move?" so i hope this doesn't fall through. oh yeah- it was about finding out this income information about this waiting list for a new jersey housing company that i've been registered with for at least 3 or 4 years i think. i told him that i just wanted a back-up plan in case this plan (for some reason) falls through and doesn't work for me (knowing my luck with things).

i probably disappointed her with my reaction yesterday.

i was just thinking about when the occupational therapist at the driving evaluation told me i needed to see a psychologist or other mental health professional. i forgot if i told her that i already see a psychologist once a week. i was thinking of the reason as to why she said that to me- i hadn't raised my voice or made any abrupt movements. i'm thinking that she was trying to piss me off, so what the lady more than likely wrote during my previous evaluation was true and she'd just need to fail me without doing any work.. or if she really thought i needed a psychologist (although- AS I SAID BEFORE- i was unusually calm reacting to the news.. i just remembered- i'm not sure if the fact that i haven't had any concerta (generic brand of RITALIN- which acts reverse in people with brain injuries- it gives them energy) in probably at least 2 weeks has anything to do with it- concerta acts as a pick-me-up because my brain injury tends to make me tired a lot (if not ALL) of the day). so with all that said- i think she was probably trying to push me. good thing i felt too tired to give a damn about something that was probably set in stone before i went to the appointment. as if life doesn't suck enough for me- what's one more thing i'm kept from doing? nobody obviously gives a damn- it's too inconvenient for them all. i just have more of a reason to get outta this UNOPPORTUNISTIC state- having to depend on lyft for a ride all the time (when over half the time- i end up late for my appointments because it takes so long for the driver to pick me up- regardless if i try to leave early or not). i'm going to a place with a better transportation system, so i'm not stranded depending on transportation that's not guaranteed to get me from point A to point B within a reasonable time. ADIOS!

so the verdict is..

alright.. i'm gonna give this a little while to hit me. reality hit me a little in the lyft vehicle ride on the way back from gillette phalen. i started to cry but then it came to me that crying about it won't help anything- just like hating the driver of the cause of what was told to me won't help me and/or won't do anything to make MY situation any better. I HOPE HE HAS A GREAT FUCKIN LIFE. WITH HIS FAMILY AND BEING ABLE TO DRIVE AGAIN AND MOVE AROUND LIKE A NORMAL PERSON WITHOUT TAKING THE RISK OF FALLING AND HURTING HIMSELF. HIS MOTHER, WIFE, AND SISTER ARE PROBABLY SAYING IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T GO TO CHURCH ENOUGH. i took the same tests that i remember taking when i took this test to see if i could drive again at gillette- the lady said it was about 7 or 8 years ago. i said to the therapist, "i don't understand why i see a lot of people who aren't half as ambulatory as i am driving." the lady said, "well- you might be physically capable of driving but there are other factors too.. the tests you took 7 years ago had basically the same score as then and you pretty much failed them then.. looks like your cognitive abilities were effected.. have you spoken to psychologists or other mental help about this before?" i'm not sure if she said that because this was such bad news and how dealing with the changes would affect me in life. i wasn't even fucking drinking A DROP of alcohol the night of my accident that gave me a traumatic brain injury (which is the reason why the alcohol didn't paralyze my immune system and i got so hurt in the accident- UNLIKE the driver.. i'm sure the guy who died in back was drinking also but he was probably in an area of the car that got more smashed up). i always try to think about the positive in bad situations and i sighed and said to her, "well.. at least i don't have to worry about gas prices.." then the therapist laughed and said, "i guess you're right." my grandma used to always tell me that eventually nobody would be driving because of the advancement in technology.. i kinda figured she was full of shit. i feel like eating a huge pizza to distract from this shitty ass news but i'm sure i'd be paying for it on the toilet later. i didn't even fuckin have my driver's license for a year and then i got too fucked up to use it and i figured i'd be fine starting over with my permit but i KNOW nobody's gonna ask for another opinion on this- so i just have to deal with being a handicap idiot who can't drive- maybe something will come along so i don't have to suffer so long through this shit. i think back to elle woods saying on legally blonde, "EVERYWHERE HAS VALET ANYWAY!" but knowing my luck- i'll end up living in a shitty ass place like minnesota for the rest of my life with a shitty ass transportation system i have to wait forever just to get a damn ride. anything i wanna do now is gonna be more difficult to do now that i know i'm not supposed to drive anymore. i'm not sure of the next time i talk to my psychologist but it'd be helpful now.

NEGLECTFUL INTENDING ON KEEPING ME THE SAME. WTF IS NEW?

a lady called me today from the ymca to check on how things were going for me. i asked her if she knew where the driving assessment i'm having tomorrow is and she said she didn't know. i called my care coordinator and left a voicemail for him to no response. i hope if these people actually know this information that they know that if i fail that assessment or don't even show up at it tomorrow because i don't know where it is- i AM moving and never returning to minnesota. people think they can put limitations on my access to things which will ACTUALLY help me to just keep me from progressing and/or getting what I want done.. ANOTHER BIG REASON WHY I'M MOVING FROM THIS GOALLESS UNHELFUL STATE. i was just thinking of the reasons why i've never wanted to live in this state since on bob's burgers- linda was trying to preach to tina how she should appreciate where she's at before being so strung on moving other places. this state puts it's limits on me especially now that i'm disabled. like the only thing they think i'm capable of is going to courage kenny where they underestimate their clients (the ones who don't have advocacy) so they can take advantage of no one paying attention to them and say they need to keep attending their unhelpful facilities doing the SAME OLD SHIT. when i got in a car accident- they should've just buried me also because no one (except for joe) actually respects me enough to support me in the way I want to be supported because it's inconvenient and/or unbeneficial to them to assist me in helping me live the life I want to live. i know i've said this numerous times and because no one (EXCEPT JOE) really cares about me to care about what I want for MY life because it doesn't benefit them in anyway.