HOW DID THEY GET THERE?! *GASP*

i was just thinking about how the ics worker yesterday CLAIMED that she could only help me with my goals. ZEN HELPED ME POST MY DAMN CLOTHES ON POSHMARK. WHY THE HELL WAS IT ALRIGHT TO HELP ME POST THE LISTING BUT NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN IT'S SUDDENLY NOT A "GOAL" OF MINE?! lazy. i forgot to tell aisha that today when she was trying to tell me that it's not ics workers jobs to post my stuff on poshmark. SHE DIDN'T HONESTLY THINK I POSTED ALL THOSE LISTINGS INDEPENDENTLY. people just think shit according to their convenience.. SO OF COURSE SHE DID! zen was one of the lead ics workers too.. he helped me post those things. then people assume i'm an idiot when it's convenient or beneficial to them. story of my damn life. get used to it.

jobs and occupations..

and since i'm pretty sure i have more fans that are actually bored enough to read my blog ramblings- the supervisor of this program called me today and said that it's not ics' job to help me with going through clothes (to sell on poshmark). i think she may be trying to cover the ics worker's ass, so they don't get in trouble. i'm almost positive if i'd ask my care coordinator who's job it is to assist me with selling things on poshmark- he'd tell me it was ics' job. CONSIDERING fredrick's hours are gradually getting cut. i think back to when i first decided to go into ics housing- my case manager gregory had got me all psyched up about gradually needing less assistance, while they find me housing in new york (it was before i took the trip to massachusetts and opened up my housing area preferences). i had HOPED to be on the east coast by now. since they haven't managed to do what they're expected to help me with and just tell me it's fredrick's job to help me with the things they refuse to help me with and claim it's not their job- FREDRICK SHOULD GET HIS HOURS BACK. if you're being paid to assist someone with something SPECIFICALLY- YOU SHOULD DO IT (NOT just blow them off and tell them it's not your job to help them whenever it's inconvenient or unbeneficial for you). i realize that housing on the east coast in particular is difficult but you just can't expect to get paid for that specifically if you haven't made results in over a year (my goal to move to new york has been for OVER 20 years but then i realize how difficult housing in new york is to get- so i took a trip to massachusetts to widen my possibilities).
i was thinking about how my sister basically tries to mock me (she has since we were younger- i have pictures to prove it). i'm pretty sure i've said this before- YOU'LL NEVER BE LIKE ME AS LONG AS YOU DON'T EVEN GET YOUR GED. especially since the only REAL similarities i see between us two are our last name (which is ACTUALLY the last name of the father of my brother and i- so you're basically a mutt). i remember looking on indeed and ALL of the jobs i see on there SPECIFY how an employee there HAS to have their high school diploma or ged. my friend avrial went to school for a while in lousiana and dropped out but he managed to get his GED from summit. so at least i can say that i know of someone PERSONALLY who HAS got his GED and i think he's an administrative assistant somewhere (since he went to summit when i did and actually stuck with the administrative assistant diploma program.. so i think he's a pca or another related occupation). jeff isn't always gonna be alive to get you a job IF you still have the job at bongard's he got you anyway (part of me doubts it seeing as i'm pretty sure you're the idiot who stalks me through my blog.. you have that much free time- i doubt you have a job anymore..). it's like you expect someone else to just give you the GED without the work put into getting it. I'M NOT GRANDMA. grandma was actually willing to put up with your shit and help you get the GED until your stupid ass goes and pushes her on her ass at my apartment (when i lived in burnsville). grandma actually somewhat assisted me with some of the work when i was going to brown college (she wanted to, she just took a lot of notes for me.. but i really did most of the work but she just seen what i was doing because she wanted to learn more- which is something i really think i got from my grandma.. she was eager to learn new things and she wasn't afraid of people thinking she was an idiot while just learning new things). besides all this- i'm pretty sure i'm much MORE OPEN MINDED and less prejudiced than my sister, so it'll be hard for her to try to imitate me when she's such a basketcase (which i'm positive she inherited from my mom).

don't act confused to try to convince me i'm not capable of doing something i have experience in.

i just had a virtual interview with ranstad. i didn't make any mistakes i could think of- although, i grabbed my spanish folder instead of the folder for my job interviews out of my bag- so i didn't have the questions i typically ask during job interviews. i tried to remember the questions off the top of my head but i think i could only remember 3 of them. i did grab my resume to look at though. so i wasn't completely without information. before my interview, my job coach called me and she was SUPPOSED to be here at 10 for an appointment, which is also why i scheduled my interview at 10 but i told her that i scheduled a virtual interview at 10 and she said, "oh. what's the job for?" and i said, "data entry" then she asked me in a confused tone, "do you have experience with data entry?" and i said, "yeah. the job before sabathani was data entry." in fact- i'm pretty sure it was for the company she's employed at which assists me with job coaching. then she said, "oh.. call me AFTER you're done with the interview." i scheduled the damn interview at the time she was scheduled to see me so she could lend me pointers/assist with the interview for a reason. then she acts like i have difficulty letting her in the apartment building (since my apartment isn't hooked up to the call box in the entryway of the apartment). i'm pretty sure i've let her in the building before without difficulty but i usually have fredrick walk to the entryway to let her in and he's not here until 3. it's irritating when people act like i'm not capable of doing things. i'm pretty used to it by now but it irritates the hell outta me when people assume i'm too handicap or disabled to do simple things and it keeps me from being successful or makes it more difficult anyway. plus, she never answered the phone after i was done with the interview.. so i'm thinking she was looking for the opportunity to get out of my meeting with her. i'll just have to keep trying to call her.

learning from the wrong ass.

i was just thinking tonight, the ics worker said the same EXACT shit that another ics worker used to say to me all the time and i'm pretty sure he got in trouble for it.. or his hours were cut anyway. if you can't do your damn job and are looking for excuses NOT to help a vulnerable adult when that's part of your job- YOUR HOURS SHOULD BE CUT. she's on the wrong path if she's gonna take hints from him. it's almost like they THINK i ENJOY being disabled and not being able to do things the same speed and quality as when i DIDN'T have a tbi. they're just gonna get complained about to their supervisor and i DO have her phone number and i'm pretty sure her email address.

WHO'S DAMN JOB *IS* IT THEN?! *NOBODY* WANTS TO ACTUALLY HELP THESE DAYS.

i was SUPPOSED to have my ics session about 15 minutes ago, the ics worker called me and asked me before she came to my apartment about what i wanted to work on in our session. i told her that i just got an email from poshmark about one of my shirts being sold and i needed her to help me look for the shirt in my closet in one of the bags with all my clothes i was selling in them. she said, "okay but you should look because i can't go through your things.." so after i got off the phone with her, i looked in my closet in one of the bags and i couldn't really tell at first and i HOPED that ics could help me look at the clothes in the bag better because i didn't wanna fall over. so then she came to my apartment and i told her that i needed to call some lady about my MA because some lady emailed me telling me that it wasn't her job to help people with MA but she can just tell me who to call. it feels like i've already called the lady but then i'm not sure if my memory just put false memories in my head like it tends to do. then the ics worker walked with me to my room to look at the bags to see if i could find the shirt then she said to me, "i told you to look through the bags.. it's not my job to look through your things." wtf? i thought it was your job to assist me with daily living tasks.. then she says, "this isn't one of your goals." the ONLY "goal" that i'm aware of is to assist me in finding an apartment in massachusetts or new york. so that really isn't fair. i called the lady that i was emailed to call to see if she could help me with it and i got a voice mail.. i don't remember if i called her already because like i said, i thought i remembered doing it but that may be false. the ics worker didn't help me with that either. she left my apartment and said, "it's not one of your goals, so it's not my job to help you with it." i closed the door and said to myself, "fine. what the hell IS your job then?" all these fuckin pca's, ics workers, and other people PAID to assist disabled people DON'T DO THEIR DAMN JOBS. what's new? i can't find a place where i actually get help that's truly beneficial ANYWHERE. all these home health aids, pca's, and ics workers are all the SAME. they just play on their damn phones and sit in the fucking offices acting like they're doing their damn jobs. THEY IGNORE THE FACT THAT I HAVE A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY WHICH DOES ACTUALLY REQUIRE A LITTLE BIT OF ASSISTANCE TO HELP ME LIVE SUCCESSFULLY AND CONSTRUCTIVELY. just because i require assistance to do things does NOT mean i should just get assistance when it's convenient or beneficial for the person supposedly helping me. YOU'RE GETTING PAID TO DO A DAMN JOB- DO IT.
i also scheduled an interview on thursday with some guy about doing data entry.

NOTHING ALIKE. you'll just have to find something else to *ENTERTAIN* you!

i was just thinking about how my blog seems to have all these views every day, there's always around 40 or 50 views each day.. most of them have to be from my stupid, narcissistic bum of a mom and enabling, narcissistic sister. it's like they can't handle someone ACTUALLY living their lives without them knowing about it- it's like my mom is interested and nosey just because she wants to be nosey about things she never had the balls to do herself because she was so convinced she was disabled to make my grandma feel better and also convince people she actually keeps in contact with me because she knows what goes on with me. that shit is NOT going to continue in a cycle with me. i don't give a fuck if she thinks i'll do it just because my mommy did and to make my mommy feel better. DID MY GRANDMA EVER HOLD MY MOM IN FRONT OF MY GRANDPA WHILE HE WAS KICKING HER?! HELL NO. number one- my grandpa was never stupid enough to kick another woman.. ESPECIALLY NOT his own damn wife. number two- my grandma also had more respect and intelligence for herself than to marry a man who beat the shit outta her. i refuse to play my life small just for my mom's comfort.. especially after she risked my damn body when being kicked by her husband when he was drunk and abusive, kicking her. it irritates me that she REALLY thought she'd get away with this shit without any consequences and without ever taking accountability for it/apologizing to ME for it. it REALLY explains why she's never made something of herself- GOD DON'T LIKE UGLY. i hate to disappoint her stupid ass (no i don't) and make it clear that I'M NOT CHOOSING TO ACT ANYTHING LIKE MY MOM. she's just an example of what will happen if i don't go for my goals and decide to live off social security. my parents don't own an apartment and/or care about me nearly as much as my grandparents did for my mom. they also showed her more care and support than i've EVER received from my parents and/or any of my family members. i'm just gonna have to find myself another black boyfriend. hm.. black guys seem to like this mexican spice anyway. shouldn't be that hard. and my sister will NEVER become anything remotely like me since she refuses to do the actual work (schooling and jobs)- not to mention, she doesn't resemble me physically AT ALL. my grandma always used to say that my brother was a male version of me since we resemble each other physically- she NEVER mentioned ANYTHING about my sister looking like EITHER of us. my brother used to always say how he thought my sister was adopted since she's nothing like either of us.. she actually resembles my mom complexion wise and i think i inherited my mom's eyes but then i looked at my eyes further and how kids inherit their mom's eyes made more sense to me because i originally thought i have the same eyes as my grandma did- so if my mom inherited her mom's eyes it makes sense especially since both my grandma and i had our eyeliner tattoo'd on. my grandma's showed up better than mine did though- my grandma claimed it was because she got some laotian person that she used to work with do her tattoo'd eyeliner and they probably had different materials/methods. i think my eyeliner might not have stuck on as well because my allergies making my eyes itch and i would rub them every now and then when i didn't have someone put eyedrops in my eyes. it makes me mad because i'm sure my mom enjoys reading about all the shit she's done to me because she DOESN'T CARE and she knows that no one else does either. your day will fucking come. i'll continue to let the phone ring when you call. CRY TO GRANDMA'S FAMILY AND FRIENDS ABOUT ME REFUSING TO LET YOU GET AWAY WITH TREATING ME HOWEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT NOW. you jackasses need to learn that NOT EVERYTHING is about YOU and i'll just continue living my life the way i want NOT regressing and/or acting like i'm less capable than i REALLY am because I'M NOTHING LIKE YOU- I ACTUALLY ENJOY WORKING TO GET WHAT I DESERVE. i guess you might call that having INTEGRITY.. which i'm positive my mom can't even spell.

handling situations *CALMLY*

i had my session with my therapist and i told her about how some lady called sabathani community center upset that they overcharged her for space that she already paid for. i said, "i even said i'm pretty sure right away that i wished scott was here so he could help them (since he always manages to come when i have questions and i'm stuck on exactly what to say) and the lady said, "WHO'S SCOTT!" and i told her that he was the supervisor and he could help her.. then she started attacking how i didn't sound interested in her issue and she started to attack how i sounded so bored, then i just took a deep breath and finally said to her "LISTEN HERE.. I'VE HAD FOUR THROAT SURGERIES SO I CAN SPEAK BETTER.. I DON'T NEED PEOPLE LIKE YOU GIVING ME PROBLEMS!" and then i told her scott luckily walked in the room and said, "HEY STACY! WHAT'S GOIN' ON?!" and i handed him the phone while telling him to talk to her about renting a space and he did talk to her and made things right. then my psychologist said exactly what i said when i first spoke about the situation and said, "she was probably looking for the first person she came across to take out her frustrations on.." and i said, "yeah! that's EXACTLY what i said." i don't remember the last time somebody gave me issues or had a problem with how i dealt with things (like the lady complaining how i sounded uninterested in her problem). nobody ever approached me about any issues or problems they had with me anyway and i'm sure scott or another person would've came to me about it, just suggesting ways to deal with the problems or complaints they'd get. my therapist said i handled the situation well though. you're just not gonna make EVERYONE happy all the time. scott's suggestion was to kill 'em with kindness. in my opinion though, i was being kind because ANY other time (outside of sabathani)- i would've gave the woman a piece of my mind. it also probably helped that it was towards the end of the day and i was feeling kinda too tired to deal with anyone's shit- so i just let it slide.

waitlist.

well.. fredrick told me that he'd come make me breakfast this morning and leave, then come back to work at 3 today. he never came this morning and when i call him, i get the message saying, "the person that you are calling is not able to take calls at this time right now.". i hope he's alright. i made myself breakfast and i must've made myself a lot of malt-o-meal because i'm not REALLY hungry right now. the ics helped me check on housing.. i could've sworn that i was on the top of this one waiting list when zen was working here but now that i've checked with them- they said it'll probably be at least 10 yrs until i get to the top of it again. another ics worker just helped me check on one of the apartments and i could've sworn they said i was like #64.. i need to look which apartment that was now. oh yeah.. here it is. i'm not sure if this is the one i just called today and i feel like they might've told me a different number (unless it's my stupid memory placing false information in my brain again).. hm.. wtf.. it IS the same apartment we called today and they told me 88. oh well.. hopefully i get there before they shove me in a nursing home first (since no one cares to advocate for me to make sure they don't try to stick me in one- even though my grandma was STRICTLY against nursing homes.. especially since i'm not elderly). considering no one gives a fuck to make sure i get there faster when i KNOW it's within their abilities. i gotta go let my therapist in now. hopefully she'll help me out with this shit.

turn off.

one thing that turned me off tim was how he seemed to make an issue with my height. it's bad enough having shitty genes from my short ass parents- i don't need someone to basically use it against me and basically rub it in my face when it's something i CAN'T control. although i'm pretty sure he was trying to find the only flaw he could about me after he met me. i never complained or made any issues about his appearance. i'm also pretty sure he was trying to prove to his wife how he didn't show any attraction to me by pointing out my flaws. whatever. if someone has to go out of their way and say mean things about their friend's appearances JUST to prove they're not attracted to them- they're clearly insecure and should work on the trust and honesty part of their relationship so they're more secure about how they feel about friends and their connections to them, not to mention- they're not very good "friends" to me because you don't see me insulting anything about his appearance- in fact, i don't really remember insulting him at all. i'm sure they're more secure now though.. after a few years and i think they've raised a family together- which probably helps. i wouldn't know and i'm not sure i'll ever know about how families work and are ran because i don't wanna pass down generational trauma- which i'm POSITIVE was passed down on my mom's side. my mom is too stupid to recognize she's traumatized her own daughter.. or i could just use the word "selfish" and "uncaring" to describe how she feels also. i don't wanna take it out on another human being so they can continue the abusive cycle. i don't wanna take any risks- so birth control for me. some of us aren't selfish bums. i recognize having a child requires lots of love and responsibility and i'm not sure it's for me because i have enough to worry about at this point in my life. she never treated my sister the way she treats/treated me.. or my brother for example. i think it's got something to do with our fathers.. my brother and i have a different father than my sister and she may just have more spite for our father- so she takes it out on us and favors my sister.

a few things from my memory that keep bothering me.

i was thinking about how my grandma always used to tell me that i "changed". A PERSON IS SUPPOSED TO CHANGE. i kinda think that she said i changed because she was always trying to scare me into just agreeing with her and doing what she wanted- so she didn't think i changed. she was trying to make change seem negative. what EXACTLY about me "changed"? i step back and look at the BIGGER PICTURE. i ran away from home to new york because i WANTED change so bad. I WAS OBVIOUSLY NOT SATISFIED WITH MY SITUATION IN LIFE. so much as i was even willing to LOSE it all, so i could get to where i was actually satisfied in life. i'm not excusing it. i should've been more patient.. but i was a punk kid that thought the world revolved around me and i was willing to grab any opportunity available as soon as it came to me. at least i didn't drop out of school when i was 12 (never to return) though. i, at least, am taking steps to get my life back and constructively- UNLIKE certain sisters who live to read my blog in hopes she'll turn into me- not gonna happen tubs, ESPECIALLY since you can't even get your high school diploma which jobs REQUIRE a person to have (you're not gonna be lucky all the time to have an uncle who can get you a job without it all the time). i don't know what "changed".. i was ALWAYS NEVER satisfied with where i was in life. i knew i was capable of MORE and if you wanna go assuming you know everything about my life and tell your daughter and daughter-in-law how i'm "ungrateful" just to make yourself look good- GO RIGHT AHEAD! at least i'm helping someone.. i guess.. let foolish people try to make themselves look smart. doesn't matter to me because she doesn't have ANY control over where i end up. NOBODY but ME does. apparently i'm UNGRATEFUL for having the knowledge that i'm capable of MORE than just depending on social security and staying by a bunch of unsupportive honkeys who only support me when it's convenient and/or beneficial to THEM. shit on me. i'm more than likely never gonna drop this "ungrateful" shit because it's so UNTRUE and it's wild that someone thinks they can get away with that lie to make themselves appear better and more holy. where'd it say in the bible that it was okay for a person's son to drink and drive while putting his two friends' lives at risk? then he's AUTOMATICALLY forgiven because Christ forgives us of our sins for putting his son to death. i don't think any of this makes sense.. just as long as her family comes out on top! DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES ARE THAT A VICTIM HAS TO GO THROUGH! JESUS SAYS FORGIVE! EVEN AFTER 6 MONTHS IN A COMA AND 15 SOME YEARS WHEELCHAIR-BOUND! DOESN'T MATTER THAT I HAD GOALS TO BE A DOCTOR AND GTFO OF THIS STATE EVEN BACK THEN! I "CHANGED" THOUGH! I DON'T WANNA HEAR THAT SHIT BECAUSE IT TELLS ME EXACTLY WHO YOU CARE ABOUT AND IT AIN'T ME! get bent. mind your business.

morning thoughts.

as i was lying in bed this morning before i actually got outta bed (and before i got up to leave fredrick in my apartment this morning), i was thinking about how nolan's friend erik had been put in a mental institute (i'm not sure if he's still there.. i doubt it). the reason for that is more than likely because mississippi has a shitty mental health program and they more than likely assume anyone who has went through anything traumatic should be institutionalized because they think it's easier than working with the person through therapy- not to mention.. cheaper also. he's more than likely not crazy.. if you think about it- wouldn't you go crazy if your friend was murdered and you were accused for the murder (i'm not positive IF they did do it but i'm positive they know what happened to him)? some "friends" they are.. being the poster-children for grump at his rally.. he doesn't care about them- he doesn't care about anyone but himself and i KNOW nolan would not support his "friends" basically toting getting away with knowing about his death and refusing to give information on it. i didn't know nolan.. but if he had ANY respect- he wouldn't be basically endorsing hate- especially NOT at his cost. erik had to have went through trauma.. the easiest thing for mississippi to do was shove him in a mental institute. HIS "FRIENDS" DON'T GIVE A FUCK! JUST AS LONG AS THEY GET BROADCASTED AND POSTED EVERYWHERE ON SOCIAL MEDIA! they assume it makes them look "smart" or wtf.. if they REALLY cared about nolan and respected him- they'd be negotiating and seeing what they could do to make his family feel like they have closure without broadcasting it everywhere. what does all this have to do with me? well.. nothing but i'm positive IF erik would have been in this particular state- they'd at least have the mental health resources to actually work with him before just shoving him in a mental institute. i'm pretty sure that might be one of the reasons why amanda is dragging her feet when assisting me to move to a different state- because it's easier for her to assume that none of the other states have medical services that ACTUALLY help a person.. just for her information- massachusetts is ranked right below minnesota for best healthcare (they're #2). i'm willing to take that little step down to actually have the opportunity to live my life- especially if it doesn't include everyone assuming that i'm mentally handicapped just because my mom is. i've done MORE school and worked MORE than she has and she's older than me. we're nothing alike. don't go there. not even to make your responsibilities of "helping" me truly succeed at being SUCCESSFUL easier for you by just convincing me to minimize my potential and capability to make YOU look good to your in-laws and everyone else while disregarding EVERYTHING i've been through to get where i am today. I DIDN'T BUST MY ASS AND LIVE THROUGH A FUCKING COMA FOR 6 MONTHS, at least FIFTEEN YEARS IN A WHEELCHAIR (for my family's ego and convenience), multiple years of therapy JUST TO MAKE MY COUSIN WHO ONLY CARES ABOUT ME WHEN IT'S CONVENIENT AND BENEFICIAL FOR HERTO LOOK AND FEEL BETTER. this is MY life. NOT AMANDA AND NOT MY MOM'S. you guys don't even care about me enough to let me live MY life if it's not convenient and/or beneficial for you.

waitlist..

i remembered the waitlists in the new jersey and massachusetts apartments and i called two of the apartments today. the apartment in massachusetts gave me a waitlist # which moved up 24 spots since i checked in april (i compared the #'s from today to the # and date i had recorded in my cell phone in april). their waitlists move surprisingly fast.. well, i remember when i was on waitlists for apartments in new york, i was always like number 1500 some.. so massachusetts definitely has more apartments available and the waiting lists move fast. i'm just gonna work on staying as active as i possibly can in employment until my time comes because i have a suspicion and hope that i may not have such a difficult time finding employment as i do here (because notably- the employer that i came across during one of my interviews opened my resume up on her computer and said, "you have a lot of administrative work on your resume.. but we're looking for customer service and retail for the most part." then i said, "well.. i ALSO have a lot of customer service experience." then she said, "yeah." not really convinced). i think they more than likely have more administrative jobs in bigger cities. which is why i went through such a delay in my work experience when i moved from apartment to apartment until i FINALLY managed to network to get a volunteer job at sabathani community center from when i volunteered at central honors and why i say philando is my guardian angel because i would more than likely be guaranteed to end up this depressed person from the lack of work experience and something to keep me constructive- i can't remember how many times i used to drive my wheelchair out to the highway and look at it thinking about driving on the highway when i lived in burnsville and nobody would even give me a chance to help/work anywhere. amanda can't honestly tell me she's never spoke bad about people on social security because i heard her husband and her discussing how everyone wants to move to minnesota to get the social security payments and not work because minnesota supposedly had the highest payments in social security money in the country. just inspiring me to move to a different state to get away from idiots who complain about people just trying to live their lives. such a loving and caring family. just making what i originally suspected much more clearer to me and reassuring me that i have absolutely NO value to anyone in this state. you should be happy though and don't try to pretend you actually care about me because your definition of "care" is whatever benefits you and makes it look like you actually care about me.. where were you when i WAS attending courage kenny (before they erased the record of my attendance at that useless facility)? don't tell me that i don't have proof because i have videos on facebook of me walking again on there. IF you cared so damn much about me- you wouldn't expect me to regress my capabilities and rehabilitation i've ALREADY done over 10 years ago. stop trying to be like courage kenny and take advantage of my lack of knowledgable and caring advocacy. my grandma was so wrong about you. she died almost 14 or 15 years ago and i'm still in the same fucking state. the only reason i managed to move from the shithole i was in when she died was because i acted erratically just because people refused to follow the NO SMOKING rules at burnsville. you haven't advocated to help me get anywhere I, THE OWNER OF THIS LIFE, ACTUALLY WANTS to live. NOT WHAT'S MORE CONVENIENT TO PEOPLE WHO ONLY PAY ATTENTION TO ME WHEN IT'S BENEFICIAL AND CONVENIENT FOR THEM. i am so beyond disappointed with the sad excuse of "advocacy" and "care" you've shown me as a family member.