eyeliner

i was looking into my mirror today and after i got my eyeliner retattoo'd on and it looks like the lady who did the tattoo actually touched up on my lower lids' eyeliner a bit because it shows off more after i got the top lid tattoo'd- which she spent more time doing. then she told me that she'd do the bottom lids' if i ever decide to come back in and she claimed it hurt more i think. i couldn't really tell a difference. i was more afraid of her slipping and blinding me, i kept saying, "DON'T BLIND ME." while she was tattooing my lids and she tried to reassure me by saying, "i've been doing this for six years and i haven't blinded anyone yet." i'm also not sure if the bottom just looks brighter now just because of the top eyelid's tattoos? i DO remember her quickly tattooing the bottom lids though even though she claimed she'd do the bottom lids if and when i come back. i can't really distinguish the difference between it because i don't really remember what it looked like the last time i had them touched up. i just remember crying the very first time i had it done and my grandma took me to get my eyeliner tattoo'd because i thought it was too bright and i looked like a hooker, so i rubbed a lot of it off. i'm trying not to even touch my eyes at all now though. i'm more satisfied with my eyes now compared to my reactions the first time my grandma took me to get my eyelids tattoo'd. maybe this time the lady did a better job or i was just surprised by the difference the first time i had it done, so i'm more aware of any differences now and more accepting?

trying to avoid becoming what the people who supposedly "care" about me want me to be for THEIR CONVENIENCE.

i was learning how to work and put things back in the kitchen and i said to the guy who was training me, "i'm kinda having some difficulty doing things back here and i don't wanna get in the way or slow you down and i don't wanna get hurt.." then the guy said to me, "yeah.. i don't know what they were thinking- putting you back here.." then i overheard a girl say to him while he was complaining about how they expected him to teach me to help in the kitchen when i'm so slow and he's afraid i'll get hurt, "yeah.. i can't even understand her sometimes.." okay bitch, i've had at least THREE surgeries on my palate to assist me with speaking so people can understand me, along with numerous years of speech therapy. then i texted ginger (the lady who hired me) that i didn't think this job was the appropriate position for me. the girls at the front desk, who bob (the guy training me) was complaining to said, "yeah.. we need help on the weekends at the front desk. she could do that." then gabriela came in and she's the one taking ginger's place because she is sick or something and she spoke with me at a table, she asked me if i texted ginger telling her that i didn't think this position would work for me and i said, "yeah.. i interviewed for the front desk and then she tells me they're all filled." then i said, "well- one of the front desk people were talking to me and they claim they need help on the weekends in particular." then gabriela dismissed what they said and said, "no. we're full on weekends too." so i got the feeling they just totally weren't interested in hiring me. to top it off- a person at sabathani told me they only need me working there once a week. i don't wanna work in an environment where i'm treated as a burden and where people say they can't understand me. i don't wanna end up smoking like a chimney, drinking pepsis, and talking to my damn dogs all damn day (LIKE MY MOM- YEAH I SAID IT- NO PUSSYFOOTING HERE) SOUND FAMILIAR?.. i'm on the path to that shit and i'll kill myself if i ever do. people are so fucking unhelpful and entitled- they don't have the time to help me so i can get things in line so i can be TRULY successful which does NOT include sitting in a fucking wheelchair, hauling my ass mindlessly to courage kenny where they just give me more reasons to kill myself. i get laughed at for having any fucking goals in my life just because they're not CONVENIENT to anyone else. this is MY life. it ALWAYS has been. NOT "WHATEVER'S MORE CONVENIENT FOR RELATIVES WHO JUST ACT SUPPORTIVE WHEN IT'S GOOD FOR THEM". SO THAT COUNTS MY MOM AND AMANDA OUT. JUST because my goals don't interest YOU- doesn't give you the right to laugh at them and call me stupid, totally dismissing ANY way for me to make MY OWN life. NOT JUST TO SATISFY SOME PEOPLE WHO DON'T OWN THIS LIFE.

moderately new tattoo- at least now you can actually tell my top lids were tattoo'd without staring!

i just had my eyeliner tattoo'd on my top lids. she said she was eerie of tattooing my bottom lids because of all the bleeding my top lids did and my eyes kept reflixively closing. i told her the first time i got my eyeliner tattoo'd on my bottom lids- my grandma had to hold me down and tell me i've went through worse things in my life. so that didn't give the woman the desire to tattoo my bottom lids- even though she said the top looks really good. i was checking my email in the car on the way home and i see that the people at sabathani are getting someone else to work the desk on thursdays.. which actually works out great for me because my job at home2suites is thursday, friday, saturday, and i think sunday (i'm not positive about sundays- i need to check again tomorrow at training- but at least now i'll have more time to actually rest because originally i would've been working AND volunteering on thursday). just have to look at things positively and the rest of the shit loses meaning. i told the lady who was tattooing my eyelids today about how i got traumatic brain injury and how i had to wheel up the podium on graduation day to accept my diploma in high school. i said i went through at least 15 years in a wheelchair until i went through rehab. and arp therapy to get myself OUT of my wheelchair (amanda and my dumb mom purposely seem to ignore that FACT.. as if i just woke up one day and was able to walk- WHILE COMPLETELY IGNORING THE EFFORT AND HARD WORK I DID IN REHAB/and 6 months in a coma.. i was named "quadriplegic" by my own grandma.. "i have a quadriplegic granddaughter." is what she'd tell EVERYONE.. kinda like i was a fucking trophy or something). she tried to make things look worse about me to everyone because I have NEVER been "quadriplegic" in my whole life. i CAN move my damn arms. i've always been able to. you ignorant ass entitled people will NEVER know what it's like to bust your ass in order to live another day and have your damn relatives ignore EVERYTHING you did to get where you are JUST to look "good" or satisfy their in-laws with more business for their sad ass excuse of a "rehabilitation center" where they only like looking like they're helping disabled people who have advocacy to jerk them off and get them more money along with business. oh look! a reason why i chose NOT to communicate/associate with people who supposedly "care" about me while not ACTUALLY helping me to progress in life so they can just look good helping vulnerable adults.

new job?

i woke up at 4 this morning and got ready, i called lyft and met my job coach at my training. it took a while for me to even get called back to the kitchen area to train. the old guy who was training me said to me, "huh. i seen you sitting out there at about 5:30.. just waiting.. you could've came back here and started then!" then i said, "well i didn't want you guys to assume i was rude or too anxious.. so i never said anything." i'm really not sure if this is the right job for me, i could do it but it'd take a while to catch on and i had the wrong pants on today- so they were too fuckin long because i'm fucked with my damn height THANKS TO GENES, so i was trying not to trip over them (i had rolled them up but they kept coming unrolled) and i didn't put on a damn belt.. so i had to keep pulling them up in addition. i'm not really even sure this is the type of job i want to work specifically because it may be too physical and we work putting things away in a kitchen. i could've sworn that someone texted me about an interview on friday, so i wrote it on my calendar but i can't find the text message- so i'm not sure if they canceled it but i forgot to take it off my calendar? now that i match up the text message with my calendar, i see they canceled it. the guy who was training me today looked at me and said, "you sure you're gonna be able to do this job?" and i immediately got frustrated because everyone assumes i can't do things without giving me a chance. then he said, "well alright. then we'll see." so he took me back in the kitchen and told me where they put some dishes and what he turns the ovens on.. i just hope i don't hurt myself- so i'm not sure they'll keep me employed there but this is also taking caution after going there with the wrong kind of pants on. just have to do this shit again tomorrow and see. i SHOULD have pants that i don't trip on. i need to try my best to reel this job in, so i can show people i'm capable of working in a hotel.. but my job coach said i should keep the job i volunteer at also. i might be kinda tired on thursdays because i'd be working the hotel job AND volunteering at sabathani in the afternoon. that's what the concerta is for i suppose.
i also received an email from my case manager asking me how she thought i was registered with a driving program that would assist me with getting my license. now that i rethink it- the only thing i can remember is the last driving instructor telling me i was safe to drive- i just needed to get a vehicle to take the behind-the-wheel test with to get my license.. i told brian (because he was my trustee at that time) and he told me that he didn't feel comfortable buying a vehicle for an un-licensed driver. HE is NOT "comfortable" buying ME a vehicle with MY own money is what i translated from that. thanks for nothing. good thing i have a new lady taking care of my money to ACTUALLY HELP ME become successful with my life. i just hope she doesn't lean on brian's ignorance of handling my money to assist me to buy a vehicle so that i can be an able, successful person who doesn't need to depend on others for something i CAN do. my case manager has been advocating for me so that i can have the opportunities to be able to actually help myself the way i'm TRULY capable of doing things.. UNLIKE a CERTAIN ENTITLED COUSIN who was expected to help me. takes too much time and effort for her to show "care" for me. whatever. that's why i'm going to refuse to look BACK when i'm trying to progress and get things done. "LOOKING BACK" which consists of including family members who only pay attention to me at their own convenience and benefit- so i'll be IGNORING my mom and amanda- which is probably to amanda's satisfaction. now at 12:30, i'm getting my eyeliner retattood on. i've had my eyeliner tattoo'd on at least three or four times in my life- you can't really tell. hopefully this will be more evident and last longer.

early morning training!

when i was at work today, i checked my text messages and i got a text message from the lady i've been talking to about a job doing breakfast shift at a hotel, since i'm pretty sure she said something about the front desk just being filled (the position i originally intended on working). i gotta train at like 5:15 am tomorrow, so i need to get right to bed so i can get enough sleep- i probably won't fall asleep until like 11 or 12 if i'm lucky. it doesn't really matter how early i lay down- my body can't seem to naturally fall asleep and for any geniuses who feel they're smart for the thought of sleeping meds- i've went through NUMEROUS sleep studies in the past and sleeping pills make me act fucked up. so take that solution outta your heads, einsteins. my cpap DOES actually assist me in falling asleep MOST of the time. so i'll have to have that on tonight. i was kinda looking forward to working front desk at the hotel but i suppose any job i can get to just get my foot in the door satisfies me. i'm not sure if that's why my job coach suggested i continue working at sabathani because the job i have there is more like the job types i want to work SINCE AN IDLE MIND IS DANGEROUS. (YES.. I DO KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE FOR YOU SMART ASSES WHO THINK THEY KNOW EVERYTHING.. I GOT A TBI AS A RESULT OF TRYING TO KEEP MYSELF BUSY which is also the reason why i've NEVER wanted to live in this state- too much down time and time for me to get into trouble). i told the lady who interviewed me for this breakfast assistant position that i seem to get in trouble when i'm not constructive and busy. which may actually be why she found this position for me instead of the front desk position i interviewed for- because they're always busy? i'm not sure. i haven't experienced the job to know exactly yet. like everything else i do- i'm gonna try my best to make it work for me.

new destinations.. sort of.

and to add to my desire to move to mexico, all of the carmonas that i've seen/talked to on facebook seem to be loving, ACCEPTING people.. which is something my family in minnesota LACKS now. they might've been more supportive, loving, and caring back when my grandparents were actually alive- but now.. the only one i can really count on for care and support is my grandpa's nephew. i know the rest of my relatives are just dying for a reason to condone their carelessness and are probably like, "OH! SO HE'S THE ONLY ONE SHE'S GOT NOW?! I'LL REMEMBER THAT NEXT TIME SHE CALLS!" no need to express your fake incentive of "care"- nobody gives a damn anyway. you displayed that every time you wouldn't answer the phone when the emergency room called you- you were too busy to give enough a damn to check on me also (except joe). which is why my mom pretends to "care" about me- because then people can't compare her sad examples of "care" to anybody else's because :o THERE AREN'T ANY! really.. just mind your business and let me live my life. go play checkers or something with amy if you get so damn bored. you could also play with your dogs. an idle mind is the devil's playground.. UNDERSTAND THAT QUOTE AND YOU'LL GET EXACTLY WHY I DO THE THINGS I DO. which is precisely why i've ALWAYS wanted to move from this opportunity-less state. take your sense of entitlement and actually do something constructive with it. i say that to amanda and my mom.
amanda should've just did as she told my grandma she'd do. then everyone wouldn't have seen what a shitty, careless, and selfish parent my mom is because i wouldn't have had a reason to open the can of worms/her shitty excuse of "parenting". no turning back now, you're just proving to be just as negligent and selfish as my mom is. must run in the family (on my mom's mom's side anyway).

dual

i've decided to take advantage of my dual citizenship and find a place in mexico. it's more affordable to live there (YES.. i HAVE looked into it) and they don't have racist pricks there. they also don't have family members who enable shitty ass rehabilitation centers to take advantage of their family members just to look good to everyone else (except the family member being taken advantage of). i'm sure they (the CARMONA side of the family) wouldn't make me go back to shitty ass courage kenny just to get my damn driver's license again. then my fake ass mom can act caring about me to get sympathy and attention all she wants! she's just doing this shit because she thinks she's gonna get something outta it. she never fucking cared about me when she left me at her place when she went to the bar to play pool with her little boyfriend carlos. OR when she had me in her arms while my dad kicked her and she used ME as a shield because she's a narcissistic bum. i've went through at least TWO surgeries SO FAR in life on my abdominal organs because your selfish, narcissistic ass. don't even try anymore. my will is made and everything goes to jay if something happens to me- so that means you get ZERO, ZILCH, NADA. plus- i highly doubt her old ass is gonna live much longer because of how she always worries, drinks pop, and smokes like a chimney. that's how grandma was and you'll meet the same fate.. except God kept her living longer because he seen she was actually a caring, useful person- UNLIKE YOU. and grandma's choice of beverage was old milwaukee. i don't think i ever seen my grandma with a pop my whole life.

hm?

to amanda and anyone who dares to give me a good reason why i should REMAIN in THIS state- i'd like you to actually fucking spend time telling ME why i should REMAIN in this particular STATE. there's a great chance that you won't take the time to figure out a way to tell me because it's too fucking INCONVENIENT for YOU. proof that i really have NOTHING to remain in this opportunity-less state. you're just lucky (if you actually care as much as you claim you do) that i found a job that'd actually hire me- so my mind doesn't do crazy things outta boredum. it's guaranteed to happen if i go back to courage ken-do-nothing-but-take-advantage-of-vulnerable-adultsy. i'm sure they found out at camp courage a long time ago.. it'll happen again. which is probably part of why i got sent home in the middle of my stay one year. i guess it's your choice because i don't have the ability to do anything without the approval of people who don't give a fuck about me unless it's convenient or beneficial to THEM. cluck about that now.. since judging by the people who recently looked at my facebook timeline- you must be acting like you're smart and i'm disabled and stupid bitching to probably the only other people in this world who feel an obligation to show "care" about me. it's so nice to have "support" that would rather talk ABOUT me than take iniative to REALLY *HELP* ME. people doubt my ptsd i'm sure.. it's difficult to do that if you really have knowledge of my so-called "support".

DON'T EVEN TRY TO "HELP". YOU AIN'T DOING SHIT ANYWAY.

i'm constantly reminded exactly how much i CAN'T do by people who are supposedly trying to "help" me. THEY DON'T TAKE THE TIME TO IDENTIFY MY SITUATION AND MY PAST EXPERIENCES- EVEN WHEN I REITERATE THEM NUMEROUS FUCKING TIMES. the lady who is paid to control my money won't let me buy with MY own fucking money and GOD FORBID MY SUPPOSED ADVOCATE HELPS ME GET A DAMN VEHICLE SO I CAN TAKE MY BEHIND-THE-WHEEL LICENSE TEST. i have a suspicion that she KNOWS how courage kenny takes advantage of my lack of advocacy and resources. i've paid for fucking behind-the-wheel lessons and i have my damn driver's permit.. probably for at least 2 or 3 years. i'm more ambulatory than people who i've seen with their damn driver's licenses. i'm trying to think of the least painful way to end it all but then the realization just came- when i'm gone, it won't matter how much it hurts because i'll be GONE. then i won't have to ask permission to LIVE MY FUCKING LIFE AND HAVE ADVOCACY FROM PEOPLE WHO REALLY DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ME- SHE WAS JUST BASICALLY CORNERED INTO AGREEING SHE'D ADVOCATE FOR ME AND SHE ASSUMED IT'D BE EASY LIKE HOW MY GRANDMA USED TO ADVOCATE FOR MY MOM WHEN SHE WAS ALIVE BECAUSE WE'RE BOTH RETARDS AND MY MOM DOESN'T HAVE A JOB! SO THEREFORE SHE DOESN'T HAVE A MIND AND WILL JUST BE GRATEFUL FOR THE LITTLE SHIT SHE DOES GET BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T WORK FOR IT- WHY SHOULD SHE EXPECT TO GET WHAT SHE WANTS IN LIFE. THIS'LL BE EASY! RIGHT AMANDA?! I'M A RETARD WITH A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY! I JUST DESERVE WHATEVER I GET AND I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR IT! NOW SHE CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME NOT HAVING A DRIVER'S LICENSE AND GET HER IN-LAW ANOTHER BRAIN INJURED CLIENT FOR HER SORRY ASS EXCUSE OF AN EMPLOYER AGAIN AT COURAGE KENNY! WHO GIVES A SHIT IF STACY HAS DONE ALL THIS SHIT BEFORE NUMEROUS FUCKING TIMES! SHE'S A RETARD WITH A BRAIN INJURY AND NO ONE CARES ENOUGH ABOUT HER TO SPEAK UP FOR HER ANYWAY! RIGHT AMANDA?! YOU GOT HER RIGHT WHERE YOU WANT HER! FUCK ANY OF HER GOALS! IT'S ALL ABOUT WHAT'S CONVENIENT AND BENEFICIAL TO YOU AND THE REST OF MY FAMILY WHO DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME UNLESS IT'S CONVENIENT AND/OR BENEFICIAL FOR THEM! i'll never get anywhere or anything as long as i don't have advocacy and my advocacy has her head up her in-law's ass, thinking she'll gain points if she gets them another mindless rehab. tool who already has went through MANY years of therapy along with i passed my knowledge test to get my permit AT LEAST four times i think. i just thought of a pretty painless way but i'm not sure how long it'd take. it's kinda surprising that i feel this shitty after meeting with my psychologist because i think she usually may makes it more obvious about things i should be grateful for.. then i get brought back down to earth after checking my e-mail and reminded by amy just how vulnerable and neglected i REALLY am. thanks a lot. i'll just continue to think of ways to end it. if that's alright- IF THAT'S CONVENIENT AND BENEFICIAL FOR YOU GUYS. MY MOM WOULD BE HAPPY! SHE'D GET ALL THE SYMPATHY AND ATTENTION SHE WANTS!.. wait wait wait.. i'm trying to TALK myself INTO this. my mom's happiness is the LEAST of my concerns. so i hit a wall again. I HOPE SHE SUFFERS AT LEAST AS MUCH AS I'VE BEEN FORCED TO ON ACCOUNT OF HER. on earth too because i already know she's going to hell for it. hopefully i get this shit solved soon before it literally kills me. AMANDA AND MY MOM DON'T GIVE A FUCK THOUGH! JUST AS LONG AS IT'S CONVENIENT AND BENEFICIAL FOR THEM! if somehow i get forced to go back to that sorry ass excuse of a "rehabilitation center", i'm gonna act like a lazy ass maniac who hates the world- ESPECIALLY my pathetic ass excuse of a "family" (except joe). seeing as i'm never gonna go back to that sorry ass excuse of a "rehabilitation center" ever again- people should be glad that i'm not gonna do this. trust me.. if i get bored- i may show up and get my ass kicked out of there.. to the point where i'm BANNED. could be fun and trust me i'm capable of it. i've done crazier shit in my life before. people better hope i stay employed. (i have absolutely no plans to act like a maniac at any of my jobs- so people better hope that i continue to have a job so i don't get bored enough to act maniacal like examples i have just provided.. trust me- i'll do it).

let's try this AGAIN.

i went to my occupational therapy appointment today at gillette. it was originally supposed to be scheduled as just a mobile visit and airport taxi texted me telling me they were gonna bring me to gillette. i didn't wanna miss an appointment, so i went on the airport taxi ride. i got to the clinic, checked in, she called me to her office. when i was sitting in her office, she told me that it was supposed to be a mobile visit, so she could see by my cell phone what i all needed in my apartment. i told her about what i had in my apartment and she came up with ideas of things to get for my apartment and printed them off and gave them to me to give to someone that'd help me get them (i'm thinking my case manager). then i said, "i came because i thought they were gonna be doing a driving assessment with me again." then she said, "well.. i see that dr. ohland also wrote orders for you to schedule a driving assessment here.. have you made that?" then i said, "no.. partly because i know occupational therapy helps with driving and i was assuming that's what this visit was for." then she said, "no.. this was a visit scheduled to see what you all need to make your apartment more accessible but i'll write on here that you need to schedule a driving assessment. have you done driving assessments before?" then i said, "yeah.. i've done a few at courage center and they failed me because they're trying to take advantage of my lack of advocacy.. trying to get as much money outta me as possible for rehabilitation i don't need since i went there for at least 10 years.. then i went HERE for an assessment and the first thing the lady said to me when i walked in there for a driving assessment was "OH NOT YOU AGAIN!". so needless to say i failed that assessment." then the occupational therapist asked me, "who said that to you?" then i said, "some old bag of a therapist." then she said, "OH! LINDA! well she retired in november.. you could go in again and have them tell you what you need to work on.." so i scheduled another assessment at the desk when i left the occupational therapist's office. HOPEFULLY things are different this time around. i'm not sure why i have such shitty luck with therapists.. i do EVERYTHING i'm supposed to.. hopefully i catch a damn break now..

slowly moving up..

i called the lady who i interviewed with last week and left her a message because the people at the hotel told me she'd be back in the office on monday in the morning. i just hope that i didn't annoy her with my persistance because i know she had originally planned to have me start tomorrow but i told her i was pretty busy this week, so she scheduled a training next monday. i hope she still has that down in the books and i don't get there and she gave the job to someone else who was actually available to work tomorrow.. because that'd be just my luck. it says on my calendar that i have a virtual occupational therapy appointment tomorrow morning. the ONLY thing i've been really working with occupational therapy is to get my driver's license again.. so HOPEFULLY this is one step closer to that. it irritates me how people that have their driver's license seem to disregard what it's like NOT to have your driver's license and have the ability to go where you want, when you want. the thought of how i should just tell people i wanna get a scooter since no one will assist me to get my driver's license grazed my mind but then the realization came to me that people would just assume i'm a handicap tool and screw me over more- erasing any possibilities to make myself more able to do more things. plus- a scooter takes up a lot of room. it's like when i had my wheelchair in the apartment in burnsville. i think back to those days- i was taken to the emergency room multiple times because my heart beat was racing/irregular. i read somewhere that a person's heart starts beating irregularly when a person gets depressed. that doesn't surprise me since i honestly didn't have much of an appetite a lot of the time when i was living in burnsville either. you think it could've been because i was depressed that i was wasting my life doing what my family wanted and living where my family wanted for my family's CONVENIENCE?! i was unemployed and depending on social security when I knew i was capable of MORE. didn't concern my family though. whatever's more convenient for them! so i decided that i wasn't gonna get any help getting to where I wanted and i'm slowly getting more job opportunities. it also helps that i'm not an ignorant cunt like where i was brought up.. i volunteer for things that help EVERYONE and it's actually got me further in life when i make an effort to help others. that is also the reason why certain people will never get opportunities to better themselves. it's unfair that they seem to think they can act like they care about me- to cling to me and drag me down to their levels because they can't handle seeing someone who came from the same place they did actually progressing in life. just because you can't do something- does NOT mean that i can't do it. chances are (depending on who you are- i'm just assuming my jealous family stalks me and reads this) i've been to places you'd never dream of and done MORE than you'll EVER do in life. you can thank your entitlement and ignorance for that. that includes YOU too- mom & amy (my sister.. because there may be other amys reading this).

moving ON with *MY* life..

i've been looking at vehicles to purchase since i haven't even purchased a vehicle that I can drive or a house with my trust yet and amy let me know that my trust will be non-existant in a few years. so this trust ULTIMATELY hasn't helped ME become successful in life. so i messaged a few people on facebook marketplace since that's what an ics worker suggested to me (i'm assuming other clients from this ics program got their vehicles off there). i told my case manager about ics helping me to look for vehicles to buy so i'd have a vehicle for my behind-the-wheel test and she encouraged the idea. so any ics workers who seem to think they can take advantage of my brain injury and services- so they only help me when ics gets paid more- can just focus on everyone else (like they usually do) and just leave me to get my own shit since they obviously don't REALLY care about anything but attempting to take advantage of my situation.
i seen that the lady i spoke to yesterday (i think) about scheduling my first day of work left me a message yesterday. i called her back and left her a message but now that i think about it, i may have spoke to her immediately after she left the message and she might've told me to disregard it since we scheduled a time to meet.. my memory sucks though- so i left her a message just in case i didn't speak to her. she didn't seem like the kind of person who'd get annoyed by me forgetting that she called and leaving a message but i guess ya never know these days. she didn't think i was crazy or a trouble maker after i told her that i tend to get in trouble if i have too much time on my hands and i get bored- so i'm probably okay. i have to learn when it's appropriate to say certain things. i was looking at my med list yesterday when i went to the doctor and i wasn't aware that i was on a med for anxiety. that may have been the med they gave me last time i had surgery because i was so frustrated with my family.. i thought they were only giving me one dose but i'm not sure why it's still in my meds. it DOES piss me off that i need to be drugged up because my family is so negligent but controlling (except joe and jay). if you really care as much as you try to insinuate you do- help me to be a SUCCESSFUL AND TRULY SATISFIED, HAPPY PERSON NOT JUST FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE EITHER SINCE THIS IS MY LIFE- NOT YOURS. just because you never got outta this place- doesn't mean that you should be weights on everyone else trying to successfully and safely live their own fuckin lives. and helping me be succesful and truly happy does NOT include going BACK in my progress and mindlessly hauling my ass to the courage center where they DON'T help anyone but THEIRSELVES. if you really fucking cared about me as much as you try to insinuate you do- YOU'D COMMUNICATE WITH ME AND SEE WHAT I WANT FOR MY LIFE TO MAKE ME HAPPY. my psychologist told me the problem with my family is that they don't know how to communicate.. she said i did a good job of advocating for myself and i wasn't like my family who assumes that if you just sweep your problems under the rug (so to speak)- they'll go away and/or solve themself. that's exactly why i refuse to keep letting my family TAKE ADVANTAGE of me, so i can be JUST like THEM since MISERY LOVES COMPANY. (except joe) if i happen to be wrong about any of this- THEY HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO PROVE ME WRONG AND ACTUALLY COMMUNICATE WITH ME. i'm not talking about what's going on with your damn dogs either, mom. understand where I am coming from and the reason why i do/say the things i do.. IF YOU CARED SO MUCH ABOUT ME- YOU'D ACTUALLY TRY TO UNDERSTAND. oh look! another reason why i want to gtfo here! my family refuses to be empathetic and understanding with me.

your entitlement doesn't help anything. MAYBE THAT'S THE GOAL THOUGH! IF YOU DIDN'T WANT THIS RESPONSIBILITY- YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE AGREED TO IT!

my day started out good. i was going to the bathroom and i heard my phone ringing while i was on the toilet. i assumed it was probably just ics checking on me or something but i checked who called me. it was the lady who i had an interview with earlier this week telling me that she wants me to work the morning shift to set up for the day and i was supposed to tell her if i was still interested. i called her back and she scheduled a training day for next monday. she told me that she was gonna send me some forms to fill out by then but if i didn't get them all filled out by next week- she'd help me when we had our meeting.
then i went to my doctor's appointment to talk to her about the medications i'm on and if i need refills. she asked me if there was anything else i needed from her. then i said, "well.. i'm thinking about how my family member and other people SUPPOSEDLY "supporting" me have been gaslighting me about the things i've already done, just so they can keep me in the same spot in life for their convenience." then i said, "they tell me to do driving lessons and i KNOW i've paid for lessons AND went to courage kenny at least twice and they fail me all the time with the excuse "NEEDS MORE THERAPY." when i was living in burnsville- there was a paraplegic who had his license and a vehicle and another guy who walked with a reverse walker who had his license and a vehicle. i'm thinking it's because i lack advocacy." then the doctor wrote in her orders to schedule an appointment with occupational therapy. she also brought up how she wondered if a cane was the appropriate choice for helping me to walk and tried to talk me into getting a walker or crutches." then i said, "I'VE ALREADY HAD SEVERAL WALKERS. THEY TAKE UP TOO MUCH ROOM." then she said we'll talk about if i can maybe use something that takes up less room but offers me more support. i'm not sure when i'm having an appointment to discuss that but as i was writing on my calendar when i got back from the appointment, i see i have a virtual occupational therapy on monday morning. i don't remember why i had that scheduled but i suppose there's only one way to find out.
then i came back from my appointment just on time for my virtual spanish lesson. it was kinda hard to hear the tutor because i THINK there's a microphone in my i-watch because he couldn't really hear me that well when i was away from the spot underneath my computer which i charge it at (my watch was plugged in- charging). i figured out what i thought was the problem and sat on the chair by my computer and spoke to him.
it frustrates me when people act like i'm stupid or unable to do things because i'm too disabled or handicapped to. who the fuck made them God to make judgments about me based on their convenience? at least in new york or boston, they have a better transportation system which makes it possible for everyone to get around and live their damn lives. it doesn't help having an unempathetic, entitled, NAIVE excuse of "support" either.