trying to keep me from spending *MY* money so it actually looks like you're doing your *JOB*.

i was told by the lady who's in charge of this ics program yesterday that i needed to either get rid of the shower mat or see if fredrick could clean it because it has mold all over it and she said that PRES would evict me if they seen mold growing in my bathroom because they evicted some person from dakota county for not having a clean apartment. fredrick came today and he cleaned around my apartment, then i said, "well.. aisha said there was mold on the mat in the bath and we were either supposed to clean it or get a new mat." i HAD ordered one on amazon after she told me about the mold on the mat but *GASP* it's canceled.. AS USUAL. so i tried to order another on amazon this morning and it kept rejecting my payment saying "card reported stolen." I DIDN'T REPORT MY CARD AS STOLEN AND I AM THE CARD HOLDER. i ABSOLUTELY NEED A BATH MAT SO I DON'T SLIP IN THE SHOWER.. so it's for SAFETY. so now i'm gonna be evicted because amy feels like she has to LIE and have my assets frozen so it appears like she's actually fuckin doing her job. and oh.. WHAT A COINCIDENCE! RIGHT BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY- SO I'M NOT ABLE TO USE IT ON MY BIRTHDAY! the only people i can report this shit to is ics and my psychologist. i'm sure there has to be some law about financial advisors trying to stop their clients, who are VULNERABLE ADULTS, from using THEIR savings and assets. I NEVER HAD THIS DIFFICULTY WHEN BRIAN WAS MY TRUSTEE.. OR DIRK (BEFORE HIM). maybe because they're MALES and actually know how to invest the money they're in charge of- so they didn't have to prevent their client from using THEIR OWN MONEY just to make it look like they're actually doing their jobs. amanda probably thinks this is hilarious because now her kids can have money (my trust) when she dies! PERFECT! *claps* amanda is supposed to be making sure shit like this doesn't happen to me. i'll just have to tell the only other person who actually cares about me and is familiar with this stuff- WHICH OF COURSE IS NOT AMANDA. my grandma was wrong about EVERYTHING- INCLUDING YOU.

possible reasons for stagnation in moving..

alright.. i don't remember if i wrote about this already but it's been frustrating me lately and i haven't got to see my therapist yet to get it off my chest. my cousin made a remark about how a parent can help their kid and the kid is ungrateful because she doesn't want to stay by her parent or something along those lines.. i haven't had children yet (in fact- i'm pretty sure i'm not going to because i don't wanna pass down generational trauma like which was passed down to me by my mom- SO THANKS MOM! YOU WON'T BE GETTING ANY GRANDCHILDREN FROM THIS VAGINA!). i KNOW my cousin would be pissed at her mom if she selfishly used her as a shield while her dad was kicking her. ESPECIALLY since it's caused TWO surgeries SO FAR in my life. i'm on the path to shitting in a colostomy bag because my mom is a selfish bum! don't even fuckin deny you wouldn't be mad at your mom either. i KNOW this shit happened because of the several nightmares i've had reminiscing my mom acting naive and holding me in front of her (i'm pretty sure she tried to make it look like she was telling my dad to calm down because I was there while my mom was selfishly using my body to block his kicks while holding me and i was too small to realize what was going on- so i couldn't scream at my parents to stop but i DID manage to get kicked instead of my selfish bum mom!) and also because i distinctly remember my grandma mentioning to the doctors when they asked me if my stomach/abdominal region had sustained any damage or trauma before they figured out i had a perforrated bowel and my grandma tried to cover my mom's shitty parenting by saying i might have got hit accidentally when my mom was holding me. you don't have your mommy to cover for you anymore because I'M NOT GOING FOR THAT SHIT. I REALIZE THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR ABILITIES- LIKE TO READ FOR INSTANCE, BECAUSE I REMEMBER YOU ASKING ME SPECIFICALLY ABOUT THINGS I POSTED ON MY BLOG THAT NO ONE ELSE WOULD KNOW UNLESS THEY READ MY BLOG. you're nothing but an entitled, selfish person who works WHEN SHE WANTS TO WORK. you're the shittiest mom because most parents want their kids to do better than them but NOT YOU! you've built up a competition with your own damn daughter. i'm not sure why you don't compete with amy.. it's probably because you know she'll kick your ass if you do. you don't compete with jay because he's your SON and you only pay attention to your daughters. people may think that i'm making this up but i remember when i was younger and whenever me, jay, and amy would get into a physical fight, you'd always take the girl's side.. i don't really remember fighting with my brother much though because we shared a lot of the same interests but i remember you ALWAYS favoring amy. which is also why i'm at a loss whenever amy would call me complaining about you because she didn't really have a reason to be mad at you- you've always favored her. i KNOW you would've NEVER used her body as a shield while her dad was kicking you (because her dad used to beat on you also i remember). i sat and thought about WHY exactly your boyfriends (you were married to the dad of jay and i though) used to beat on you. then i remember how you frustrate and make me mad a lot.. so i guess i can understand if the guy has a bad temper and doesn't know how to control his anger. if you weren't my mom- NO WAY would i want to deal with you because you're such a selfish person who tries to make it look like she's too disabled and/or slow to do things so she doesn't have to.. you know what those people are called? LAZY. i'm sick of biting my tongue for you when you clearly DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME. go tell someone who fucking cares because I DON'T. you're one of the reasons why amanda hasn't helped me move to another state (she figures she can use the excuse that you'll miss me too much if i LIVE MY OWN LIFE and she assumes it'll inconvenience her to help me move when my family (with exception to joe) doesn't help me with SHIT the way it is- they haven't since my grandma was alive and i'm sure that was just because my grandma always believed in having a SUPPORTIVE FAMILY which went in the ground with her when she died- she WAS afterall convinced amanda would ACTUALLY help me move to the east!.. so her great ol' neice is making her aunt look like a careless, naive, overconfident old lady.. NICE!). just because my mom is a bum- I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE ONE ALSO. i've tried EVERYTHING i can think of to actually get out there and work, so i don't make myself look like a HANDICAPPED, ENTITLED BUM (LIKE MY MOM). you should've helped me move before i got the opportunity to vent this shit. GOOD JOB! YOU GOT THIS! if you weren't selfish and entitled yourself (must run on my grandma's side of the family..?), you'd actually be assisting your cousin who needs advocacy because the public doesn't really work for the disabled unless they have advocacy. it explains why brian brought up me paying an advocate but my grandma foolishly was strung on my naive cousin amanda helping me. IF you were as smart as you try to make yourself look- YOU'D KNOW THAT!.. unless you DO know that and just don't care about me.. which could also be a possibility. YOUR AUNT WOULD BE PROUD! SHE'S BEEN DEAD FOR 11 YEARS IN AUGUST. I HOPE MY NEICES CARE ABOUT ME THIS MUCH!.. right. then they'll be over my knee for lying to me.

memory not as bad as people probably think.

alright.. we're gonna try something (even though i'm pretty sure i'm wasting my time even posting this)- amanda.. HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF PEOPLE JUST ASSUMED YOU WERE EXACTLY LIKE YOUR MOM AND YOUR MOM HAS A DISABILITY? not too good, if you're being HONEST of course. NOTHING you do changes people's judgment of you. you're probably ignoring this because you LACK empathy which is basically what i'm attempting to do- put you in my shoes. you also don't have the care or respect to be empathetic with me- well not for ME anyway. afterall- you ignore all my accomplishments just for your advantage to make you appear "caring" to your in-laws. my grandma used to foolishly tell me that "AMANDA WILL HELP YOU GET YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE BACK ALONG WITH A VEHICLE YOU CAN DRIVE!" she hasn't even brought getting my license up to me EVER. i find out with the ics' assistance that i need to get another loss of consciousness form from a doctor. i remember getting a letter from the dmv but i'm not sure what happened to it. the ics worker helped me call the dmv and find out what i needed- so my memory is not shot considering i remembered that- i just don't remember WHERE i put the letter itself- so ics helped me call and find out what i needed to get, then they assisted me in scheduling an appointment to get the loss of consciousness form filled out by my primary care doctor. thanks for nothing, you know who! YOU GOT THIS! *thumbs up*

another interview

i just got back from my interview at like 1 or so (i forgot the exact time). the interview went good- but i say that about all my interviews for the most part. i don't remember saying anything wrong, although i DID have the opportunity to do so when she asked me what would prevent me from doing a good job at this job. i don't remember my response- so she obviously didn't think it was too bad because i don't remember her reaction (if it was bad- i know i'd remember). the only question i'm not clear on if i answered correctly was when she asked me what i'd do if someone was giving me a hard time at the front desk- i know i said that i'd tell them to calm down but i don't remember exactly what else i said. i'm pretty sure i said, "if they didn't calm down, i'd see if there was someone else around to help me." i don't remember if i said i'd try to find a way to solve their problem or if i just jumped to, "if they didn't calm down, i'd see if there was someone else around to help me." other than that question- i brought the questions that me and my job coach came up with to ask.. she didn't seem too uninterested in hiring me. so hopefully that's a good thing. i was pretty punctual- even though i put the wrong numbers in the address and the lyft driver LUCKILY caught it when we arrived to the wrong address and he LUCKILY just re-routed to the correct address which i found and i'm not sure why the wrong numbers were entered in the destination. ah well. she DID give me an exact time she'd get back to me and asked me if she should call or email me. so hopefully that shows interest. at least everything worked out and i wasn't too late. while we were driving in minneapolis, i observed the tents under a bridge where people were living. i honestly have had a dream in the past where i was living in a tent under the bridge because i had got kicked outta my apartment. i also just read yesterday about something with the homeless camps in minneapolis- grump is trying to put a stop to them i think and wants to institutionalize those people. grump should be institutionalized IF ANYONE, the unempathetic fat fuck. what? is he afraid that his incompetence to do his job PROPERLY and make sure his citizens of the country he presides ARE NOT HOMELESS AND DYING will be publicized? that ship has sailed. shit happens. don't get cocky. him and all the other UNEMPATHETIC people will FIND OUT personally and they'll SEE. i know from experience and family does NOT help for shit. which is so unlike what my grandma tried to tell me. she was so naive. mucho gracias goes to her unempathetic niece who is just naive as her, if not more, who helped make this evident to me.

they gave me no reason to want to continue at their sorry excuse of a "facility"

i have an interview in about 20 minutes. i wanted to express my frustration about how when i went to courage kenny- people REFUSED to acknowledge it.. so it was basically like i was working hard in rehab. FOR NOTHING. it doesn't surpise me that my family refuses to recognize EVERYTHING i've been through because IF they REALLY cared about me.. THEY'D WORK ON ACTUALLY HAVING ME PROGRESS IN LIFE. the fact that courage kenny themselves refuse to give me credit for what i've ALREADY done doesn't give me the desire to continue going there OR wasting my time in this particular state because i don't get help or happiness doing anything else in this state (with exception to working the 2 hours i volunteer at sabathani on tuesday). IT JUST SHOWS ME THE LACK OF CARE I RECEIVE FROM MY FAMILY FOR NOT SPEAKING UP FOR ME AND HELPING ME BECOME ACTUALLY USEFUL AND CONSTRUCTIVE.. I BLAME AMANDA- SINCE MY GRANDMA ALWAYS USED TO SAY HOW SHE WAS TAKING HER PLACE IN BEING MY ADVOCATE. IF i actually get ahold of her- ALL i get from her is empty encouragement by her saying, "YOU GOT THIS!" to me. my psychologist asked me if amanda ever spent time with people with traumatic brain injuries before and i said, "no. it doesn't seem like it either." AMANDA IS LIKE A BIG OL' HOLE TO MY LIFE. if you didn't wanna take my grandma's place as an advocate- YOU SHOULD'VE SAID IT WHEN SHE ASKED. YOU GOT THIS!

no recognition.. no surprise..

i was also thinking about how i do my stretches (range of motion exercises at my counter EVERY DAY in my kitchen and range of motion exercises EVERY NIGHT) and i also walk up and down the hallway of this apartment on my floor for 15 minutes EVERY DAY and how amanda and everyone else refuses to give me credit for that or take that into consideration. IF i didn't stay active- i KNOW that i'd be getting hurt MORE and have to be hauled off to a nursing home by now. i'm expected not to work on being an actual productive piece of this society JUST because i'm disabled with a traumatic brain injury FOR THE CONVENIENCE OF ALL MY SORRY EXCUSE OF A "LOVING" FAMILY (except joe and jay aren't sorry excuses).. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY WORK WITH ACCOMODATIONS TO HELP THEM ACTUALLY BE A PRODUCTIVE PIECE OF THIS SOCIETY SO THEY CAN ACTUALLY WORK JOBS (and i'm not talking those remedial jobs of putting cardboard boxes together or something my living room wall could do). when i was in the car accident i was in, i basically died because now EVERYONE looks at what they don't have time to consider that i have the ability to do and just assumes i can't do them because IT'S FASTER AND EASIER FOR THEM TO DO IT THEIRSELVES SINCE I AM TOO DISABLED TO DO EVERYTHING! i just got the opportunity to actually help myself look more constructive and useful when i started working at sabathani community center. they didn't go assuming i was too disabled or stupid to ACTUALLY HELP people. the hours that i volunteer there have been cut to just one day now though (i'm assuming it's because they wanna give more people the opportunity to volunteer). i'd also like to be compensated so i can actually put a working job on my resume but volunteering is better than nothing. i read over the job description of the job i'm interviewing for tomorrow a few times, hopefully that helps me with the interview tomorrow.

dragging ass coming to an end.. HOPEFULLY.

well.. my nurse came today to fill my anodyne machine and i ACTUALLY had concerta- so she filled it with concerta in the morning. i haven't had any in what feels like almost a month because they CLAIM fredrick didn't pick it up but i distinctly remember fredrick bringing me the other meds when he'd go and pick them up for me. at least i'll feel a little more energetic since i've been dragging ass for the last month or so because i haven't had any in addition to having a broken cpap, so i also haven't got more than about 4 hrs. of sleep. i'm honestly thinking of the cause of my apnea- paired up with a side effect to the surgeries i've had on my palate (i remember reading how i might develop apnea after the surgery) is the second-hand smoke from my grandparents and mom. that's just one more reason why i hate being my mom's child. not only is she a narcissist who used me as a shield when my dad was kicking her, she smoked like a chimney when i was growing up and around her. WHO WOULDN'T LIKE HAVING HER AS A MOM WHEN SHE ACTS LIKE THAT?! HAH! ONLY ANYONE WITH AN ACTUAL WORKING BRAIN WITH INTELLIGENCE. i've gotta be damned with having her as a mother. plus, she acts like she cares about me just to convince amanda that she shouldn't help me move because she "cares" so much about me (for attention from other people because no one gives a damn about only her). stupid people have an odd way of showing affection. so HOPEFULLY i'll have more energy for the interview since my stupid ass cpap that i've built a dependency on the stupid cpap to assist me sleeping- so now that it doesn't work for me, it takes me at least 2 hours to fall asleep naturally, seeing as the ground HAS been shifting every now and then for me now (i'm pretty sure this happens whenever i might have a seizure- so that's not good, although i can't really remember exactly because i haven't had a seizure in probably at least 15 years).
i have my interview tomorrow and i'm really hoping something actually starts working out for me since this is a job i really wouldn't mind working and the kind of job i'm actually looking to get more experience in hospitality- even though i'm pretty sure it takes hospitality to volunteer at sabathani- so hopefully that's an advantage for me and makes me more qualified. i like working jobs where i actually have a purpose to working the job and where i'm actually helping people. i'm already qualified for this front desk job at the hotel because i was SUPPOSED to work the front deak at some hilton which hired me but i ended up quitting while in training because the man who was training me at the time was talking about me to the front desk girls and he said, "I DON'T SEE WHY SHE TOLD ME TO TRAIN HER. I MEAN- LOOK AT HER." i really should've told the lady who hired me about him gossiping to other people but i figured they might take his side because of senority (he mentioned he worked there for like 10 years or something like that when he was training me). ah well.. hopefully i find a job which actually pays me for my work, so i'll look more qualified and have it on my resume- even though i'm pretty sure volunteering at sabathani makes me look more qualified since i only really started getting jobs actually interested in hiring me since i started volunteering there. i'm glad someone actually gives me the opportunity to volunteer there because most people assume i'm too disabled to do anything because it's easier and faster to just assume that i can't help. WHICH IS ACTUALLY BETTER THAN BEING UNDERESTIMATED AT SOME SORRY EXCUSE OF A "REHABILITATION INSTITUTION" WHICH IS ONLY WILLING TO HELP PEOPLE THAT ADVOCATE FOR THEM AND JERK THEM OFF (JUST TO MAKE THEIR FAMILIES LOOK "CARING" WHEN THEY IN NO WAY ARE HELPFUL SEEING AS THEY CAN'T EVEN ANSWER THE PHONE WHEN THE EMERGENCY ROOM CALLS THEM AND THEY CAN'T EVEN DO WHAT THEY TOLD THEIR DECEASED AUNT THEY'D DO).

hopefully this goes better than the previous ones

i got up and got ready for the day, did my exercises and then fredrick and i went to abercrombie and fitch to get the order i ordered online. we found out that we were a day late, so they sent it back. although- i'm pretty sure i'm wearing the pants that i ordered in that same order right now and i mistakenly ordered another pair.. so i don't really think it was much of a loss (seeing as they did refund me fully when i didn't pick up the order from yesterday). some lady from a hotel called me and told me she wanted to interview me to work a position at a hotel today like right before fredrick and i left for abercrombie. so after i got back, i ate lunch and went to sabathani. i emailed the lady and asked her if the interview she requested from me was a microsoft teams interview (because she sent me an invite using microsoft teams) or if it was an in-person interview because the subject of the email and microsoft teams interview was "in-person interview". she replied when i got back from sabathani (or that was when i viewed it anyway) and she said it was at the hotel, in person and she just messed up sending me a microsoft teams invitation. so i got another in-person interview for a hotel.. i'll mentally try to prepare myself to avoid saying and doing the wrong thing. i will also review the job description a few times tomorrow before the interview. i don't know of anything else i need to do to prepare. *GASP* i AM capable of doing more than mindlessly hauling my ass to a sad excuse of a "rehab institute" because people are ACTUALLY interested in hiring me, so they take the iniative to schedule IN-PERSON INTERVIEWS WITH ME, AMANDA AND MOM! if you guys REALLY cared about me as much as you try to make it seem to other people- YOU'D BE ENCOURAGING OF MY GOALS. this was one of the reasons why i ran off to new york when i was 15- i assumed my family wouldn't be helpful/supportive of my goal- so i took the iniative MYSELF and found the first exit i could (tim didn't live in the area of new york i had truly wanted but it was a fast way to get closer to my goal of living where I wanted- SO I TOOK IT). not like i had caring family who REALLY CARED anyway! things haven't changed but i have more experiences in life to know what to avoid doing compared to when i was 16. SO LET'S NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE JACKASS FAMILY MEMBERS. stop with the fake concern bullshit just to appear "caring" to everyone else- YOU CAN'T EVEN ANSWER THE PHONE FOR ME IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM. I GAVE UP CALLING MY MOM BECAUSE SHE GETS HYSTERICAL AND ACTS LIKE THE WORLD IS ENDING WHICH DOESN'T HELP THINGS. my grandma must've assumed shit like this would happen, so she put her reliable niece in her spot to handle emergencies.. proves how naive she was.

*ACTUALLY* "CARING" does *NOT* deal with *just* when it's *CONVENIENT* for *YOU*!

i had a phone interview this morning about 20 minutes ago. it went alright even though i'm not positive i really sounded happy while doing the interview, i compared my voice to the lady who was interviewing me and she sounded more peppy and happy.. so hopefully she doesn't use it against me.
i was thinking today while laying in bed about how i called my great aunt and told her i want to take a trip to mexico for my birthday and it felt like she wasn't encouraging it because how my dad was killed there. i went through this a million times- there's a NEW PRESIDENT there and she even got the country UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE so the citizens aren't screwed when they're sick or injured. IF my family cared so much about my well-being, they WOULD be more concerned about me sleeping healthily because i've said it on my blog a million times about how i don't get sleep because my damn cpap isn't working before me wanting to actually have fun for once on my FORTIETH BIRTHDAY. just proof that they don't REALLY care about me- they care about how it looks to other people like they're an actual concerned family.. TELL ME- THE PAST THREE TIMES I CALLED AMANDA WHEN I WENT TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.. DID SHE ANSWER THE PHONE?! HELL NO. maybe debbie should be more concerned about how her own daughter doesn't care about her cousin. oh wait.. that'd be too constructive. my family doesn't understand that. except joe- who's actually answered the phone and was HELPFUL. amanda just wants me to go to courage kenny because her kewliez sister-in-law works there and that'd make her appear "caring" which she is NOT at all. IF she cared so damn much, she'd have the knowledge that i've ALREADY attended that sorry excuse of a "rehab institute" and got absolutely NOTHING done because i lacked advocacy to jerk them off and make them appear helpful to other people. my grandma told me that i'd be DONE attending courage kenny when she died because "AMANDA WILL HAVE YOU IN NEW YORK!" *yawn* just an example of the LACK of care amanda has for her aunt. she makes her appear as an over-confident naive uncaring liar. TALK ABOUT LOVE! would a grandma who TRULY cared about her granddaughter want her granddaughter to throw away EVERYTHING she worked her ass off to get JUST to make her family members appear "caring"?! i think not. she was just naive and aware of her lack of knowledge and wanted to make sure i was 100% safe when moving to a completely different state independently, so she foolishly put confidence in someone JUST as naive as her (if not more) to assist me because she assumed she actually CARED about me. now i'm left without plans for my FORTIETH birthday.. i'm going to the strip club with doug if amy doesn't actually give me a safe alternative to mexico. my grandma used to always say that the trustee didn't know how to do their job if they said i couldn't afford it and she's correct. i've looked at the recent reports of how much money my trust was making and spending and there's MORE than enough for a trip to mexico- because doug and i DID look up how much flights costed. SHE'S TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY LACK OF ADVOCACY JUST TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE SHE'S ACTUALLY FUCKIN DOING HER JOB. i'm calling the manager of the bank and demanding a new trustee who ACTUALLY does her damn job, i'm also going to file a complaint on her.

when will it end?

i was just thinking while sitting on my couch this morning, i wonder if people are deliberately trying to refuse to give me the resources i need to sleep fully, so i'm rested and i don't have a seizure and/or feel lightheaded when i'm walking. my stupid cpap isn't working at all AND i haven't had concerta in at least 3 weeks (my grandma used to make sure i ALWAYS had my concerta when she was alive CAN'T DEPEND ON AMANDA TO CARE LIKE THAT- she can't even assist me in the way she told my grandma she would). ah well- if a seizure doesn't kill me, then maybe i'll stop breathing while sleeping (which i've been told by a lot of people i tend to do while sleeping). JUST A MATTER OF TIME! for example, i remember when i was sleeping at my grandma's house once and she woke me up, shaking me hysterically because she claimed i stopped breathing.