they're one of the main reasons i'm moving.

i was laying in bed this morning and the thought that i need to check my new jersey housing account came to mind. so when i got up and spoke to the ics worker about what i wanted to work on- i told him that something told me to check how my new jersey housing status is. so the ics worker told zen to come over here because he's more familiar with housing. he checked on it and said i moved up like 20 places or something for the hackensack housing. then he checked how my massachusetts housing status was doing because it seems like housing is more available there for me. he told me it should be about a half a year until they tell me i have an apartment there. i'm thinking back to something my delusional sister said to me when i lived in burnsville. she seems to think we can get apartments by each other and be perfect sissies or some bullshit. one thing that annoys me in particular about my sister is that she has this false sense of entitlement- like it doesn't matter if she works for something- it's automatically hers. THE WORLD DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT, TUBS. you don't even have a high school diploma and you're talking about living by me. the apartments I live in require that you have at least a high school diploma- so you're at least making some income. where does she get this crazy thinking from? i'm convinced it's from my mom- who got it from my grandma (just judging by nearly at least 10 years of talking to my grandma on the phone EVERY night.. my grandma tried to convince me that i didn't need to work. at first i was like, "cool!" then as the years went on- i understood more about what her intentions were for me. she figured if she could talk my mom into not working (so she wouldn't have to deal with any difficulties/issues because she wouldn't be doing anything- so she couldn't bother anyone!), she could make me EXACTLY like my goalless mom. a few problems with that besides it'd probably kill me psychologically to be kept from doing ANYTHING (an idle mind IS the devil's playground.. because i wouldn't have experience to show i'm capable of actually doing something), number one and the most significant- i am NOT my mom- we don't look alike or act alike, we also aren't interested in the same things. number two- i KNOW i'm CAPABLE of more than just sitting at home, talking to my dogs and cats. i am not convinced i'm mentally handicapped (so other people have to work and i don't). i'm aware there ARE actually people out in this world in that condition that i don't feel right taking any funds or resources away from them. i have more INTEGRITY than that.. unlike my mom. so the longer i'm kept in this goalless environment, so bums can make it seem like they "support" me from reading my blog like it's the bible. i had a conversation with the travel pca who usually goes on trips with me and she said that i didn't need to always take trips to look for housing all the time and i said, "well it helps me so i can get away from my mom sooner." then she said, "well if you live in minnesota- you'd have to say bye to fredrick. you wouldn't HAVE to see your mom.." then i said, "well yeah but then people would insinuate that she actually comes and sees me and supports me because that's what they would do if they were her and they had a daughter with a tbi." i'm sure that's also why the bum reads my blog- so she can make it seem like she talks to me since she knows what's going on with me- besides impressing her fat daughter who also reads my blog like it's the bible because like i said earlier- she has some sense of entitlement that she can actually do what i do because we're sisters.. a problem with that- i obviously got my persistent mindset from my dad (and *GASP* we have DIFFERENT fathers!) since my mom just lets people walk on her and tell her she's too disabled to work. SO THERE YA GO! MY MOM AND SISTER CAN GET WET OVER ME TALKING ABOUT THEM ON MY BLOG!.. i know if i had a sister who insulted me on her blog- i wouldn't wanna read that shit. THERE is another BIG difference between our personalities.
i'm going to sabathani to volunteer at the front desk in like a half an hour. another BIG difference between my mom and i. she's afraid of black people (she can deny it all she wants in order to look tough or cool but i think of how she would refer to them when i was younger and she'd always point them out..), i realize that we are ALL DIFFERENT and God did that so we'd all be UNIQUE and i don't want ANYTHING to do with ANYONE who thinks otherwise. your ignorance irritates me. i remember having to deal with this shit PERSONALLY growing up as one of the only brown kids in a school full of white people. say whatever the fuck you want to try to ignore this shit but i remember growing up with little naive white kids calling me the "n" word because they were ignorant pricks who more than likely thought they were "smart" saying this shit because they overheard their parent saying it normally. they were young little shits but that still doesn't excuse that bullshit in my opinion. there's another reason why i'm NEVER going back to the hometown where i was raised. i was basically traumatized at a young age because i even have these pictures with powder put on my face when i was younger- so i'd look WHITE since i thought my race wasn't acceptable (i was young and naive). now that i'm older and allowed to go to bigger cities with more DIVERSITY- it's definitely BETTER for me psychologically. my fat sister can't relate to me either like she attempts to do by insisting she hates it in this state so she can be kewliez like me and i have her live by me! my sister's looks came from my mom. she has a white skin tone. my brother and i have tan skin tone because we took after our FATHER (her dad is from texas, ours is from mexico- so i think that might also be why). NOW MY MOM CAN GO TELL PEOPLE SHE ACTUALLY KNOWS WTF IS GOING ON WITH ME LIKE TUBS!! i'm gonna get ready to go to sabathani now.. so i can be by people who actually SUPPORT DIVERSITY NOW!

so let me get this straight- what *I* want for my life *DOESN'T* matter because of my mom?

i'm glad i get someone to talk to about what goes on with me or i'd go crazy. for instance, i told my therapist today about how ridiculous i thought it was for my cousin to just expect me to forget EVERYTHING i worked my ass off to get in rehabilitation and all the college classes, along with the jobs i've worked JUST to depend on social security just to stay by my mom just because she supposedly helped me so much after my car accident. my therapist looked at me confused and said, "LIKE WHAT did she do for you after your car accident?" then i said, "she walked with me and helped me get in and out of the bath and took care of me.. you know.. LIKE PARENT RESPONSIBILITIES." then my therapist said, "yeah.. you're right.. she is your mom. she should act like it." when a parent has a child- the child is THEIR RESPONSIBILITY as long as they're able to help them. i'm not even a damn parent and i know that. THAT IS OF COURSE IF THEY ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THEIR KIDS. i get the feeling that my mom is pissed off that she didn't do more with her life and is trying to prevent someone who came from the same place from actually doing something with their lives because she's an unaccomplished jealous bum. i realize i have NOTHING to lose- and those people are the most dangerous. don't try me. it's ONLY UP from here. I'M NOT GOING BACK TO APPEASE A PERSON WHO FEELS TOO USELESS TO DO ANYTHING BUT PAY ATTENTION TO HER CHILDREN AT HER OWN CONVENIENCE AND BENEFIT. GRANDMA'S DEAD. NO ONE IS GOING TO CODDLE YOU ANYMORE. TIME TO PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES BEFORE AMY AND JAY SHOVE YOU IN A NURSING HOME.. them or the state.. which might be more probable considering you can't always call to them and whine about things- well, i suppose you could but they'd probably institutionalize you quicker. SO GIVE IT A SHOT! i also told my therapist about how my mom never used to give a shit that i wanted to move to new york- she knew even when i was in a wheelchair talking about it and she'd always say, "IT'S YOUR LIFE! LIVE IT HOW YOU WANT!" until recently- when i'm pretty sure the flying monkey and my fat sister came along. so i'm pretty sure this unencouragement originates between those two because they're jealous imbeciles who don't want to see me doing things with my life. mind your business. you're just wasting your time. i'm anointed, bitches.

go f yourself.

i'm not sure why this thought came up in my mind but i was wondering if people with ptsd usually suffer from imposter syndrome.. "Trauma-induced imposter syndrome can occur no matter your accomplishments. Most of us experience it from time to time, a belief that we are just not good enough or worse, a fear of being “found out” as a fraud.Jan 15, 2024" so i'm slowly beginning to learn why i said and did a lot of shit that i did. thanks to my immature parents who should've never reproduced in the first damn place until they were mature enough to safely have children. selfish dicks. i know you might be saying, "HOW CAN SHE CALL HER PARENTS SELFISH DICKS?! IF IT WEREN'T FOR THEM, SHE WOULDN'T BE HERE!" true.. i also wouldn't have had to go through all the surgeries and abdominal pain i sustained. i AM aware that neither parent is MORE guilty or innocent than the other. i grew up thinking my mom was beat by my dad and she was the innocent one until i had my bowel surgeries and reminiscant dreams of my dad kicking me and my mom holding me up in front of my dad when he kicked her to use my body as a shield while nanchalantly trying to make it seem like she was trying to show him WHY he should calm down. YEAH!! MY HUSBAND IS ANGRY (PROBABLY DRUNK) AND VIOLENT! YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE SMART TO DO?! BRING MY TODDLER DAUGHTER INTO THE QUARREL SO AT LEAST SOMEONE WILL ACTUALLY CARE THAT I'M GETTING BEAT ON! I DON'T CARE IF IT ENDANGERS HER JUST AS LONG AS I LOOK LIKE A VICTIM AS USUAL!!.. i find it mildly amusing that my mom has NEVER challenged my memories and/or denied any my memories.. MAYBE BECAUSE SHE KNOWS IT'S TRUE?! it's too fuckin late to deny any of this happened, jackass. like my bowel just decided to perforrate by itself and later get blocked for fun by itself?! just gives me more motivation to cut your selfish ass off. your selfish ass has traumatized me enough. go traumatize your other daughter. i'm done with you. your flying monkey better mind her damn business because i'm realizing the LACK of care coming from her and it changes my opinion on her for her convenient LACK of empathy for me while she's taking the abuser of an aunt's side.

this'll probably bother me *FOREVER*.

alright.. i'm getting frustrated with certain cousins inability to have the desire to see what I am saying and my goals. she posts on facebook some bullshit trying to excuse how i'm being controlled by my mom (because she's a whiny bum who seems to think if she whines to people about me being aware of my rights and feelings about the shit my mom has put me through in my life they'll do something to make me shut up about the shit she has put me through). the bullshit included something about missing how families don't just get together and have supper with each other, helping each other out- do you think it could POSSIBLY be because everyone in the family is too busy with their OWN families?! *GASP* i don't even have my own family yet to be aware of that reality. stop trying to camouflage your intentions for your bum aunt to put a damn leash on me. do you remember the COUNTLESS hours of studying and rehabilitation i went through in order to not rely on a wheelchair and to live INDEPENDENTLY?! MY MOM DIDN'T HELP ME AT ALL WITH MY EDUCATION. GRANDMA WAS THE ONE WHO TAUGHT ME HOW TO READ WITH HOOKED ON PHONICS WHEN I WAS IN KINDERGARDEN AFTER EVERYONE TRIED TO TELL HER THAT I WAS ILLITERATE JUST LIKE MY DAMN MOM. so people were already trying to limit my capabilities since i was younger because of MY MOM. she DID assist me in practicing walking when i depended on a wheelchair because MY GRANDMA USED TO HAVE TO BLACKMAIL HER IN ORDER TO TAKE CARE OF HER OWN FUCKING DAUGHTER. i even remember hearing my mom whine to my grandma on the weekends i went to my mom's place for the weekend (so i could basically see MY GRANDMA since my mom obviously doesn't give a shit about me). my grandma finally came into town and stayed with me while my mom's selfish ass went to the bar for a few hours to play pool with her boyfriend carlos. DON'T ever try to tell me my mom went through so much for me- IT'S HER RESPONSIBILITY AS A CARING PARENT. she's inspired me NOT to reproduce myself! i don't wanna pass down my generational trauma to another human being. i obviously have more RESPECT than my mom. she passed down generational trauma to me. i think she got the trauma because she was bullied as a kid, so naturally, she tries to make herself a victim in ALL situations- whether she actually is or not. she enjoys the attention. i know that my sister and her get entertainment from reading my blog. i don't understand why. in hopes that i'll actually say something GOOD about them and my experiences with them?! someone is in DENIAL. i'm trying to actually do SOMETHING with my life and jealous fucks don't like that. misery loves company. WHY CAN'T I BE MORE SATISFIED FORGETTING EVERYTHING I'VE MANAGED TO DO FOR MYSELF TO BE SUCCESSFUL?! I SHOULD BE HAPPY DEPENDING ON LIVING ON A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF MONEY I RECEIVE FROM THE STATE ALONG WITH EBT! FUCK ALL THE GOOD GRADES I RECEIVED IN SCHOOL AND HOW I WAS EVEN SUPPOSED TO GO TO COLLEGE FOR HALF A DAY AND HIGH SCHOOL HALF A DAY BECAUSE I PASSED THE TESTS AND MY GRADES WERE GOOD ENOUGH! RIGHT AMANDA?! RIGHT MOM?! WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE MY MOM AND UNEMPLOYED, NOT LOOKING FOR WORK, AND SMOKING CIGARETTE AFTER CIGARETTE (ALTHOUGH AMY CLAIMS SHE QUIT BUT JAY SAYS ALL SHE DOES IS DRINK POP AND SMOKE CIGARETTES AND JAY IS MORE HONEST, HE NEVER PUSHED HIS OWN GRANDMA ON HER ASS AND BRAGGED ABOUT IT WITH HIS BOYFRIEND LIKE AMY DID). FOR AN IDIOT WITH A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY I SURE REMEMBER A LOT, RIGHT AMANDA?! FORGET MY GRADES AND WORK HISTORY! I BELONG ON SOCIAL SECURITY WHILE THE FAT ASS THAT YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND SUPPORT RIPS AWAY ALL MY INCOME AND BENEFITS AWAY!! MAKKKE AMERIKKKA GRATE AGAIN! I'M TOO STUPID AND DISABLED TO CONTRIBUTE TO SOCIETY! WHO THE HELL DO I THINK I AM?! I'M TRACY'S DAUGHTER! I SHOULD NEVER FORGET WHERE I CAME FROM- ESPECIALLY IF THAT MEANS ACTUALLY WORKING A JOB AND LIVING SOMEWHERE WHERE MY MOM COULDN'T SEE ME BECAUSE IT'D TAKE TOO MUCH WORK AND EFFORT FOR HER TO DO IT! WHY CAN'T I BE A LOSER LIVING BY MY MOMMY AND BEING UNEMPLOYED?! RIGHT JESSIY AND AMANDA?! that's EXACTLY the sorry excuse of "support" i get from you. your egos are just threatened because i came from basically the same place and i'm actually doing different things which you view as inconvenient or different than what you're used to. i got NEWS for you guys.. THIS is MY life and I deal with the consequences of my choices- YOU DON'T. if you can't be supportive of MY GOALS for MY life- MIND YOUR BUSINESS and amanda- tell my financial workers and care team you aren't up for the job. it's obviously too damn inconvenient for you to care about when something bad happens to me and the emergency room calls you. i could be dead or severly injured.. doesn't bother you as long as it inconveniences you because I GOT THIS!

a few words..

the fact that amanda and my mom (and the rest of my family except joe and jay) refuse to see that they're NOT respecting ME as a person by holding the support of the things I want for my life. IF they had any respect for me- they would be supportive of MY GOALS because I do have a brain and I know what I want for MY life. which amanda and my mom don't want because it's inconvenient for them even when i'm still in this damn state and my "emergency contact" CAN'T even answer the phone- so i stopped trying to call her, i've called the only cousin who really gives a damn about me instead- JOE. like amanda assumes i'm too stupid to make my own decisions seeing as this is MY life.. NOT my mom who always cries victim, NOT amanda's (who emergency services can never get ahold of anyway). IF YOU GUYS REALLY CARED ABOUT ME AS MUCH AS YOU TRY TO MAKE IT SEEM- YOU'D TRUST IN MY JUDGMENT AND GOALS SEEING AS I AM THE ONE WHO HAS TO DEAL WITH MY DAMN CONSEQUENCES OF MY CHOICES. BUZZ THE FUCK OFF. I'M DONE WITH YOU CHICKENHEADS. you too fat amy. go work on getting your damn GED. you won't get ANYWHERE in life without it.

trying to keep me from spending *MY* money so it actually looks like you're doing your *JOB*.

i was told by the lady who's in charge of this ics program yesterday that i needed to either get rid of the shower mat or see if fredrick could clean it because it has mold all over it and she said that PRES would evict me if they seen mold growing in my bathroom because they evicted some person from dakota county for not having a clean apartment. fredrick came today and he cleaned around my apartment, then i said, "well.. aisha said there was mold on the mat in the bath and we were either supposed to clean it or get a new mat." i HAD ordered one on amazon after she told me about the mold on the mat but *GASP* it's canceled.. AS USUAL. so i tried to order another on amazon this morning and it kept rejecting my payment saying "card reported stolen." I DIDN'T REPORT MY CARD AS STOLEN AND I AM THE CARD HOLDER. i ABSOLUTELY NEED A BATH MAT SO I DON'T SLIP IN THE SHOWER.. so it's for SAFETY. so now i'm gonna be evicted because amy feels like she has to LIE and have my assets frozen so it appears like she's actually fuckin doing her job. and oh.. WHAT A COINCIDENCE! RIGHT BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY- SO I'M NOT ABLE TO USE IT ON MY BIRTHDAY! the only people i can report this shit to is ics and my psychologist. i'm sure there has to be some law about financial advisors trying to stop their clients, who are VULNERABLE ADULTS, from using THEIR savings and assets. I NEVER HAD THIS DIFFICULTY WHEN BRIAN WAS MY TRUSTEE.. OR DIRK (BEFORE HIM). maybe because they're MALES and actually know how to invest the money they're in charge of- so they didn't have to prevent their client from using THEIR OWN MONEY just to make it look like they're actually doing their jobs. amanda probably thinks this is hilarious because now her kids can have money (my trust) when she dies! PERFECT! *claps* amanda is supposed to be making sure shit like this doesn't happen to me. i'll just have to tell the only other person who actually cares about me and is familiar with this stuff- WHICH OF COURSE IS NOT AMANDA. my grandma was wrong about EVERYTHING- INCLUDING YOU.

possible reasons for stagnation in moving..

alright.. i don't remember if i wrote about this already but it's been frustrating me lately and i haven't got to see my therapist yet to get it off my chest. my cousin made a remark about how a parent can help their kid and the kid is ungrateful because she doesn't want to stay by her parent or something along those lines.. i haven't had children yet (in fact- i'm pretty sure i'm not going to because i don't wanna pass down generational trauma like which was passed down to me by my mom- SO THANKS MOM! YOU WON'T BE GETTING ANY GRANDCHILDREN FROM THIS VAGINA!). i KNOW my cousin would be pissed at her mom if she selfishly used her as a shield while her dad was kicking her. ESPECIALLY since it's caused TWO surgeries SO FAR in my life. i'm on the path to shitting in a colostomy bag because my mom is a selfish bum! don't even fuckin deny you wouldn't be mad at your mom either. i KNOW this shit happened because of the several nightmares i've had reminiscing my mom acting naive and holding me in front of her (i'm pretty sure she tried to make it look like she was telling my dad to calm down because I was there while my mom was selfishly using my body to block his kicks while holding me and i was too small to realize what was going on- so i couldn't scream at my parents to stop but i DID manage to get kicked instead of my selfish bum mom!) and also because i distinctly remember my grandma mentioning to the doctors when they asked me if my stomach/abdominal region had sustained any damage or trauma before they figured out i had a perforrated bowel and my grandma tried to cover my mom's shitty parenting by saying i might have got hit accidentally when my mom was holding me. you don't have your mommy to cover for you anymore because I'M NOT GOING FOR THAT SHIT. I REALIZE THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR ABILITIES- LIKE TO READ FOR INSTANCE, BECAUSE I REMEMBER YOU ASKING ME SPECIFICALLY ABOUT THINGS I POSTED ON MY BLOG THAT NO ONE ELSE WOULD KNOW UNLESS THEY READ MY BLOG. you're nothing but an entitled, selfish person who works WHEN SHE WANTS TO WORK. you're the shittiest mom because most parents want their kids to do better than them but NOT YOU! you've built up a competition with your own damn daughter. i'm not sure why you don't compete with amy.. it's probably because you know she'll kick your ass if you do. you don't compete with jay because he's your SON and you only pay attention to your daughters. people may think that i'm making this up but i remember when i was younger and whenever me, jay, and amy would get into a physical fight, you'd always take the girl's side.. i don't really remember fighting with my brother much though because we shared a lot of the same interests but i remember you ALWAYS favoring amy. which is also why i'm at a loss whenever amy would call me complaining about you because she didn't really have a reason to be mad at you- you've always favored her. i KNOW you would've NEVER used her body as a shield while her dad was kicking you (because her dad used to beat on you also i remember). i sat and thought about WHY exactly your boyfriends (you were married to the dad of jay and i though) used to beat on you. then i remember how you frustrate and make me mad a lot.. so i guess i can understand if the guy has a bad temper and doesn't know how to control his anger. if you weren't my mom- NO WAY would i want to deal with you because you're such a selfish person who tries to make it look like she's too disabled and/or slow to do things so she doesn't have to.. you know what those people are called? LAZY. i'm sick of biting my tongue for you when you clearly DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME. go tell someone who fucking cares because I DON'T. you're one of the reasons why amanda hasn't helped me move to another state (she figures she can use the excuse that you'll miss me too much if i LIVE MY OWN LIFE and she assumes it'll inconvenience her to help me move when my family (with exception to joe) doesn't help me with SHIT the way it is- they haven't since my grandma was alive and i'm sure that was just because my grandma always believed in having a SUPPORTIVE FAMILY which went in the ground with her when she died- she WAS afterall convinced amanda would ACTUALLY help me move to the east!.. so her great ol' neice is making her aunt look like a careless, naive, overconfident old lady.. NICE!). just because my mom is a bum- I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE ONE ALSO. i've tried EVERYTHING i can think of to actually get out there and work, so i don't make myself look like a HANDICAPPED, ENTITLED BUM (LIKE MY MOM). you should've helped me move before i got the opportunity to vent this shit. GOOD JOB! YOU GOT THIS! if you weren't selfish and entitled yourself (must run on my grandma's side of the family..?), you'd actually be assisting your cousin who needs advocacy because the public doesn't really work for the disabled unless they have advocacy. it explains why brian brought up me paying an advocate but my grandma foolishly was strung on my naive cousin amanda helping me. IF you were as smart as you try to make yourself look- YOU'D KNOW THAT!.. unless you DO know that and just don't care about me.. which could also be a possibility. YOUR AUNT WOULD BE PROUD! SHE'S BEEN DEAD FOR 11 YEARS IN AUGUST. I HOPE MY NEICES CARE ABOUT ME THIS MUCH!.. right. then they'll be over my knee for lying to me.

memory not as bad as people probably think.

alright.. we're gonna try something (even though i'm pretty sure i'm wasting my time even posting this)- amanda.. HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF PEOPLE JUST ASSUMED YOU WERE EXACTLY LIKE YOUR MOM AND YOUR MOM HAS A DISABILITY? not too good, if you're being HONEST of course. NOTHING you do changes people's judgment of you. you're probably ignoring this because you LACK empathy which is basically what i'm attempting to do- put you in my shoes. you also don't have the care or respect to be empathetic with me- well not for ME anyway. afterall- you ignore all my accomplishments just for your advantage to make you appear "caring" to your in-laws. my grandma used to foolishly tell me that "AMANDA WILL HELP YOU GET YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE BACK ALONG WITH A VEHICLE YOU CAN DRIVE!" she hasn't even brought getting my license up to me EVER. i find out with the ics' assistance that i need to get another loss of consciousness form from a doctor. i remember getting a letter from the dmv but i'm not sure what happened to it. the ics worker helped me call the dmv and find out what i needed- so my memory is not shot considering i remembered that- i just don't remember WHERE i put the letter itself- so ics helped me call and find out what i needed to get, then they assisted me in scheduling an appointment to get the loss of consciousness form filled out by my primary care doctor. thanks for nothing, you know who! YOU GOT THIS! *thumbs up*

another interview

i just got back from my interview at like 1 or so (i forgot the exact time). the interview went good- but i say that about all my interviews for the most part. i don't remember saying anything wrong, although i DID have the opportunity to do so when she asked me what would prevent me from doing a good job at this job. i don't remember my response- so she obviously didn't think it was too bad because i don't remember her reaction (if it was bad- i know i'd remember). the only question i'm not clear on if i answered correctly was when she asked me what i'd do if someone was giving me a hard time at the front desk- i know i said that i'd tell them to calm down but i don't remember exactly what else i said. i'm pretty sure i said, "if they didn't calm down, i'd see if there was someone else around to help me." i don't remember if i said i'd try to find a way to solve their problem or if i just jumped to, "if they didn't calm down, i'd see if there was someone else around to help me." other than that question- i brought the questions that me and my job coach came up with to ask.. she didn't seem too uninterested in hiring me. so hopefully that's a good thing. i was pretty punctual- even though i put the wrong numbers in the address and the lyft driver LUCKILY caught it when we arrived to the wrong address and he LUCKILY just re-routed to the correct address which i found and i'm not sure why the wrong numbers were entered in the destination. ah well. she DID give me an exact time she'd get back to me and asked me if she should call or email me. so hopefully that shows interest. at least everything worked out and i wasn't too late. while we were driving in minneapolis, i observed the tents under a bridge where people were living. i honestly have had a dream in the past where i was living in a tent under the bridge because i had got kicked outta my apartment. i also just read yesterday about something with the homeless camps in minneapolis- grump is trying to put a stop to them i think and wants to institutionalize those people. grump should be institutionalized IF ANYONE, the unempathetic fat fuck. what? is he afraid that his incompetence to do his job PROPERLY and make sure his citizens of the country he presides ARE NOT HOMELESS AND DYING will be publicized? that ship has sailed. shit happens. don't get cocky. him and all the other UNEMPATHETIC people will FIND OUT personally and they'll SEE. i know from experience and family does NOT help for shit. which is so unlike what my grandma tried to tell me. she was so naive. mucho gracias goes to her unempathetic niece who is just naive as her, if not more, who helped make this evident to me.

they gave me no reason to want to continue at their sorry excuse of a "facility"

i have an interview in about 20 minutes. i wanted to express my frustration about how when i went to courage kenny- people REFUSED to acknowledge it.. so it was basically like i was working hard in rehab. FOR NOTHING. it doesn't surpise me that my family refuses to recognize EVERYTHING i've been through because IF they REALLY cared about me.. THEY'D WORK ON ACTUALLY HAVING ME PROGRESS IN LIFE. the fact that courage kenny themselves refuse to give me credit for what i've ALREADY done doesn't give me the desire to continue going there OR wasting my time in this particular state because i don't get help or happiness doing anything else in this state (with exception to working the 2 hours i volunteer at sabathani on tuesday). IT JUST SHOWS ME THE LACK OF CARE I RECEIVE FROM MY FAMILY FOR NOT SPEAKING UP FOR ME AND HELPING ME BECOME ACTUALLY USEFUL AND CONSTRUCTIVE.. I BLAME AMANDA- SINCE MY GRANDMA ALWAYS USED TO SAY HOW SHE WAS TAKING HER PLACE IN BEING MY ADVOCATE. IF i actually get ahold of her- ALL i get from her is empty encouragement by her saying, "YOU GOT THIS!" to me. my psychologist asked me if amanda ever spent time with people with traumatic brain injuries before and i said, "no. it doesn't seem like it either." AMANDA IS LIKE A BIG OL' HOLE TO MY LIFE. if you didn't wanna take my grandma's place as an advocate- YOU SHOULD'VE SAID IT WHEN SHE ASKED. YOU GOT THIS!

no recognition.. no surprise..

i was also thinking about how i do my stretches (range of motion exercises at my counter EVERY DAY in my kitchen and range of motion exercises EVERY NIGHT) and i also walk up and down the hallway of this apartment on my floor for 15 minutes EVERY DAY and how amanda and everyone else refuses to give me credit for that or take that into consideration. IF i didn't stay active- i KNOW that i'd be getting hurt MORE and have to be hauled off to a nursing home by now. i'm expected not to work on being an actual productive piece of this society JUST because i'm disabled with a traumatic brain injury FOR THE CONVENIENCE OF ALL MY SORRY EXCUSE OF A "LOVING" FAMILY (except joe and jay aren't sorry excuses).. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY WORK WITH ACCOMODATIONS TO HELP THEM ACTUALLY BE A PRODUCTIVE PIECE OF THIS SOCIETY SO THEY CAN ACTUALLY WORK JOBS (and i'm not talking those remedial jobs of putting cardboard boxes together or something my living room wall could do). when i was in the car accident i was in, i basically died because now EVERYONE looks at what they don't have time to consider that i have the ability to do and just assumes i can't do them because IT'S FASTER AND EASIER FOR THEM TO DO IT THEIRSELVES SINCE I AM TOO DISABLED TO DO EVERYTHING! i just got the opportunity to actually help myself look more constructive and useful when i started working at sabathani community center. they didn't go assuming i was too disabled or stupid to ACTUALLY HELP people. the hours that i volunteer there have been cut to just one day now though (i'm assuming it's because they wanna give more people the opportunity to volunteer). i'd also like to be compensated so i can actually put a working job on my resume but volunteering is better than nothing. i read over the job description of the job i'm interviewing for tomorrow a few times, hopefully that helps me with the interview tomorrow.

dragging ass coming to an end.. HOPEFULLY.

well.. my nurse came today to fill my anodyne machine and i ACTUALLY had concerta- so she filled it with concerta in the morning. i haven't had any in what feels like almost a month because they CLAIM fredrick didn't pick it up but i distinctly remember fredrick bringing me the other meds when he'd go and pick them up for me. at least i'll feel a little more energetic since i've been dragging ass for the last month or so because i haven't had any in addition to having a broken cpap, so i also haven't got more than about 4 hrs. of sleep. i'm honestly thinking of the cause of my apnea- paired up with a side effect to the surgeries i've had on my palate (i remember reading how i might develop apnea after the surgery) is the second-hand smoke from my grandparents and mom. that's just one more reason why i hate being my mom's child. not only is she a narcissist who used me as a shield when my dad was kicking her, she smoked like a chimney when i was growing up and around her. WHO WOULDN'T LIKE HAVING HER AS A MOM WHEN SHE ACTS LIKE THAT?! HAH! ONLY ANYONE WITH AN ACTUAL WORKING BRAIN WITH INTELLIGENCE. i've gotta be damned with having her as a mother. plus, she acts like she cares about me just to convince amanda that she shouldn't help me move because she "cares" so much about me (for attention from other people because no one gives a damn about only her). stupid people have an odd way of showing affection. so HOPEFULLY i'll have more energy for the interview since my stupid ass cpap that i've built a dependency on the stupid cpap to assist me sleeping- so now that it doesn't work for me, it takes me at least 2 hours to fall asleep naturally, seeing as the ground HAS been shifting every now and then for me now (i'm pretty sure this happens whenever i might have a seizure- so that's not good, although i can't really remember exactly because i haven't had a seizure in probably at least 15 years).
i have my interview tomorrow and i'm really hoping something actually starts working out for me since this is a job i really wouldn't mind working and the kind of job i'm actually looking to get more experience in hospitality- even though i'm pretty sure it takes hospitality to volunteer at sabathani- so hopefully that's an advantage for me and makes me more qualified. i like working jobs where i actually have a purpose to working the job and where i'm actually helping people. i'm already qualified for this front desk job at the hotel because i was SUPPOSED to work the front deak at some hilton which hired me but i ended up quitting while in training because the man who was training me at the time was talking about me to the front desk girls and he said, "I DON'T SEE WHY SHE TOLD ME TO TRAIN HER. I MEAN- LOOK AT HER." i really should've told the lady who hired me about him gossiping to other people but i figured they might take his side because of senority (he mentioned he worked there for like 10 years or something like that when he was training me). ah well.. hopefully i find a job which actually pays me for my work, so i'll look more qualified and have it on my resume- even though i'm pretty sure volunteering at sabathani makes me look more qualified since i only really started getting jobs actually interested in hiring me since i started volunteering there. i'm glad someone actually gives me the opportunity to volunteer there because most people assume i'm too disabled to do anything because it's easier and faster to just assume that i can't help. WHICH IS ACTUALLY BETTER THAN BEING UNDERESTIMATED AT SOME SORRY EXCUSE OF A "REHABILITATION INSTITUTION" WHICH IS ONLY WILLING TO HELP PEOPLE THAT ADVOCATE FOR THEM AND JERK THEM OFF (JUST TO MAKE THEIR FAMILIES LOOK "CARING" WHEN THEY IN NO WAY ARE HELPFUL SEEING AS THEY CAN'T EVEN ANSWER THE PHONE WHEN THE EMERGENCY ROOM CALLS THEM AND THEY CAN'T EVEN DO WHAT THEY TOLD THEIR DECEASED AUNT THEY'D DO).