it probably doesn't pay to get frustrated with things that are inevitable to happen.

alright.. so i had some other ics worker today, so zack wasn't able to assist me in calling the housing agency today. the ics worker that i DID have said zack would be here on monday though. so HOPEFULLY i have help on monday getting registered for this housing agency.
i can't figure out what stimulates my mom and sister to stalk me. there's nothing they can do to stop me from getting where I TRULY want to be in life (which happens to be FAR away from both of them). i chose to move far away from both of them because they give me negative vibes and they have nothing but negative intentions for me. they're more interested in using me as a step stool (so to speak) to live their lives and are both miserable- so misery loves company and they figure they'll get an advantage from me. my sister doesn't have any REAL qualifications to get her hired (she's just lucky my grandma's brother is a supervisor at some creamery/manufacturing like place, so he got her a job- although i'm not positive she still even works it.. it was so long ago when i went to my mom's place and seen my grandma and her brother, chances are she got fired because my great uncle said that she was a hard worker but she got in trouble all the time because her deadbeat boyfriend would make her late or miss work). when i got into my car accident, i was 16 and going into 11th grade- i could've just dropped out of school because of my traumatic brain injury as a result of the car accident and i was in my wheelchair in high school. HOWEVER- i stuck it out and graduated high school with HONORS- i KNEW that i wouldn't have a chance at being employed if i dropped outta school. my sister gets pregnant in 7th or 8th grade.. what does she do? DROP OUT OF SCHOOL, NEVER TO RETURN. she is just lucky as hell that my grandma's brother is/was a supervisor of the creamery to be employed.. she really can't count on ever getting employed if she doesn't get that damn high school diploma. so i'm not really sure why she tries to be like me because we're both clearly NOTHING alike. i happen to have this thing called "INTEGRITY" which she clearly lacks. then we got my mom who also stalks me.. she also doesn't have a thing in common with me besides our DNA. so she's also got that inclination to mimic her own daughter (me). i'm not sure if she's doing this to look good in front of her favorite child (my sister), so they can have something to talk about and bond over? i'm just trying to survive and make a living for myself. i don't need some unaccomplished bums to cling to me to distract me from my goals. play cards or board games with each other. find something else to bond over which isn't as pointless as mimicing or mocking me. you're not gonna gain ANYTHING from it but a pissed off sister and daughter.
ics helped me schedule an ot evaluation today. i'm thinking it was at gillette again.. the only thing i think i really need occupational therapy for is to get my driver's license again. the last time i went to gillette for an ot evaluation, this old therapist seen me in the gym area and i was waiting for my appointment and she said to me, "oh.. not YOU AGAIN!" i'm almost positive she failed me during my last evaluation.. maybe both of my previous times. i'm not sure what her problem is with me but i better not have that old bag as an occupational therapist again. i'm almost positive she spoke to my grandma when she was alive (yes.. i was doing occupation therapy when my grandma was still alive and my grandma spoke to the OT herself and my grandma said she was an "old bag" when she got done speaking to her on the phone, when she attempted to advocate for me to get my driver's license again). so i tried courage kenny again for the driving program and those dicks just attempted to take advantage of my lack of advocacy. i have my driver's permit and i've passed my permit knowledge test at least 3 or 4 times.. i used to drive my ex's car around burnsville when we were in a relationship. i'm not a clueless wreckless driver. people are just trying to take advantage of my lack of advocacy.. so i'm not sure i'll even get my driver's license again from this state because everyone is so concerned about themselves that they ignore the fact that I was NOT driving the car in my accident (OR EVEN DRINKING for that matter- which is why i sustained a traumatic brain injury because i didn't have alcohol in my immune system to paralyze it!.. unlike tim and i assume zack- he just happened to be in the wrong area of the car at the wrong time) and i've passed the damn driving knowledge test NUMEROUS TIMES. the fact that i'm more than likely just wasting my time trying to get shit done for myself just dawned on me but i "GOT THIS!" *rolls eyes* you're just enabling people to take advantage of my efforts and desire not to be a vulnerable helpless person that depends on others for EVERYTHING.. shit.. my grandma was so naive.. she put confidence in people to help me get places when they just throw their hands up and say, "YOU GOT THIS!" while refusing to actually help me. IT'S NOT LIKE I'M ASKING YOU TO DRIVE THE FUCKING CAR FOR ME DURING THE LICENSE TEST AND PASS THE LICENSE TEST FOR ME, PROVIDING ME WITH A VEHICLE OF COURSE.. i'm pretty sure people were also ignoring and neglecting me so i lose my ability to drive and my confidence, so i just wither away and depend on other people for everything while i get weaker and older (and possibly just kill myself outta frustration of NO ONE ALLOWING ME TO DO THINGS I'M CAPABLE OF DOING JUST TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME- they're probably depending on my mental health problems to make me go crazy), so i'm eventually too old to drive- thanks a lot assholes. even jesse and james had their damn driver's licenses when i lived in burnsville and NEITHER of them can walk. so don't try to pull that excuse out of your ass. i could walk better than BOTH of them- i just lack advocacy. this guy who lived at the apartment that i lived at in the apartment on marshall ave. before this one has his driver's license and he ONLY had ONE fuckin leg. my ex has his driver's license and *gasps* he ONLY has ONE eye! it's all advocacy being the reason why i don't have my license anymore. I'M SICK OF GOING TO COURAGE KENNY. i've failed thair driving program at least three times.. why's that? ADVOCACY. YES.. MINNESOTA DOES HAVE THIS COMMON PROBLEM OF TAKING ADVANTAGE OF PEOPLE WHO LACK ADVOCACY. chances are- you can't say shit to defend them because YOU have NEVER experienced being vulnerable and lacking advocacy. now remove your head from your entitled, negligent asses AND GO READ SOME BOOKS ON "EMPATHY". another reason why i HATE THIS state. it seriously fucks with my mental health seeing as NO ONE gives a damn except for making their own negligent careless asses look GOOD. i'm starting to understand why this girl (who i really don't like because she always finds a way to make problems with me) is content with not having a driver's license. she probably figured that people wouldn't give it to her anyway- so it doesn't pay to get herself all upset for something that isn't gonna happen. i'm not saying i agree with it but i understand why she doesn't try. it's not fair that people can be this damn selfish to stop another person from doing something they have the ability to do just because they want this person to be dependant on others for something. if i had people who ACTUALLY fucking cared about me- I WOULDN'T HAVE THIS DIFFICULTY.

a little closer hopefully.

i had fredrick check my mail before i walked and i finally got the packet from the housing authority that zen was helping me get the proper documents for (so i had to have my doctor's office send them a letter for accomodations and to confirm my disability). it says you're supposed to return the required information 10 days after the date of the letter.. it says the date of the letter was december 10- so it's already been 10 days because it took so long to get through the mail. i told zen and he said he'd tell another ics worker to help me with it tomorrow and it should be okay if we get in contact with them and explain it just came today in the mail. so HOPEFULLY it won't take so long since we're gonna call them on the phone instead of relying on the slow ass mail to communicate with them. so at least i'm a little bit closer now to getting housing.. i just need the ics to help me continue to get this sent in and working for me because i assume housing will probably be more difficult for me considering i'm from out of the state.

have i always had this desire to live elsewhere because i'm "different" or was it because of how people treated me because i was different than them?

i'm thinking and i'm considering just giving the gifts i bought to the salvation army since i really have no desire to connect with my mom or sister. my mom feels too entitled to take accountability for damage that SHE was responsible for and just assumes if it's swept under the rug (so to speak), it'll just disappear. until it's time for me to be hooked up to a colostomy bag on account of irresponsible, selfish, negligent parents who really shouldn't have been allowed to reproduce in the first place. i'm sure my brother would agree with me. it's almost like i'm rewarding her for her irresponsible, selfish actions which have been the cause of at least TWO of my past abdominal surgeries SO FAR (i'm sure i'll have to have more because they assumed i was done with my bowel problems after the first perforrated bowel when i think i was 11 or 12? until my recent bowel blockage). my mom grew up entitled not to take responsibility for things- so she just assumes this is the same. i'm assuming my grandma felt responsible for her disability because she was born with the umbilical chord around her neck.. well guess what?! I AM NOT YOUR MOM. TIME FOR SOME TOUGH LOVE. THE ROLES ARE REVERSED- YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MY PARENT. my desire to speak to her is fading when i think about how she SHOULD HAVE done EVERYTHING possible to remove me from the situation when my dad was obviously angry and i'm assuming drunk. that's not a safe environment for a toddler to be.. my mom was more concerned about herself though (that's how narcissists operate and i remember from my reminscing dreams.. she was like holding me in front of her as a sign to my dad he should settle down but his drunkiness kinda disabled him from acknowledging the reality of the situation and he kicked me while aiming for my mom because my mom used me as a shield- she'll probably say she was trying to show him that i was there, so he should calm down or some garbage but a REAL CARING PARENT would have done EVERYTHING to protect her daughter and removed her from the situation.. NOT MY MOM! she was raised to be too entitled to take accountability for this shit (i remember my grandma telling me this story and CONVENIENTLY ignoring to mention my mom's duty of making sure her daughter was safe)). besides, i don't really have any desire to speak to my sister because i know she'll assume we're KEWLIEZ SISTAS and call me all the time- getting in my business and trying to threaten my boyfriend again (like she did to zack when i was going out with him and his dumbass just hit on her because he's a chubby chaser and she gave him a boner after she sent him a picture of her- which he asked for).
i was also thinking about how black people seem more accepting to mexicans/brown people than white people are because MANY of the events i've been to that were hosted by black people- they ALWAYS managed to specify and INCLUDE us- "black AND brown people.." when making speeches. i grew up in a small town with white people being the majority and they NEVER mentioned "brown people" or mexicans (unless they were maybe bitching about them in a racist fashion). i'm pretty sure i could pull off a black person in the summer when the sun tans my skin and the bracelet fredrick gave me to wear is from kenya and i remember a few people in new york and boston asking me if i was kenyan because that was their flag. i smiled and said, "no. my pca is. he gave it to me because i thought it was cool." when a person GROWS up around white people, you'd assume they'd be leaning towards white people more but i've always felt discriminated against because i was darker. it's also one of the reasons why i've never had the desire to live in this state. say wtf you want to excuse white people's ignorance or minimize the effect this had on me but I know the shit i've experienced- YOU DON'T. new york and boston are much MORE diverse. so with that said- i suppose it's fitting that i've been going out with a black guy for at least 3 or 4 months i'd say. i don't catch the judgmental remarks from him like i did from a few of my past ex-boyfriends who were white. i'm not sure why white people find themselves entitled to be judgmental of anyone different than them, as if they're better than them because they're whiter than them. oooo you'll get burnt BEFORE me! there's something to be proud of. there's a good chance you'll be the minority (if you're not already) soon, so can it.
i'm going to my spanish class in like an hour. i figure- if i get deported for some reason, i'll at least be able to communicate with people that i'll most likely be deported to. seeing as my family have shown absolutely NO concern for my citizenship status and a bunch of them are grump supporters. hopefully this starts to *click* with me soon because i feel like i know what most of these words mean when i see them- almost like remembering. i kinda doubt that i'd remember all the way back to spanish classes in high school but i've also had a few other spanish classes before in my life. my mom doesn't care about my citizenship.. just as long as she gets to look like a victim when her oldest daughter is deported! i KNOW my sister can't copy me with these frustrations. she was born in minnesota.. i remember going with my grandma to visit my mom in the glencoe hospital when that little devil was born. i don't remember my brother's birth but i remember seeing my sister as a baby. my brother is only 2 years younger than me though.. so that's more than likely why.

big mouths and even bigger goals to get accomplished.

i just got back from the little christmas party thing that my ics threw. i was talking about something with another girl- i think she had asked me if my family had came to my place or called me, i said, "no. i bought my mom and sister presents for nothing.. it's not my job to keep up with my kids and wish them merry christmas, so i'm not gonna go outta my way to call her when it's not my responsibility to do that. she's the reason i have ptsd." then the girl said to me surprised, "OH?! YOU HAVE PTSD?! IS THAT WHY YOU STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT ALL THE TIME?!" i'm really not sure if that's the reason why i chose to separate myself from people and isolate myself from others generally. she's kinda a big mouth who says whatever is on her mind- i'm pretty sure that must be some of her disability but i'm not really sure i should've told her my business because she might tell everyone and their mom now. i'm not sure many people actually listen to her because i think she might piss people off because i remember when some guy in our living program was talking to her and he was basically talking through his teeth because she said something to him which irritated him and he was holding his temper. it feels like a long time ago at one of our events, she said something to him to make him start yelling at her, asking her why she asked so many questions all the time. the new manager lady was at the party for a while and to tell you the truth, that was basically one of the only reasons why i went- so she couldn't say i didn't participate in any of the activities. they brought up having ics every day.. i can't have ics every day. there's some days that i have to work. then they brought up having coffee every day- i don't drink coffee and i'm sure i'd get so annoyed with that loud mouthed girl who says everything that's on her mind, i'd probably blow up at her like.. hm.. i'm trying to think of his name- i'm pretty sure it started with a v and had an "ay" or "o" sound at the end of it. i should've asked him since he used to always forget my name too. i shouldn't have wasted my money on presents for my family. the only person who i'd actually be alright giving them to from my family (my brother) didn't answer his phone today when i called him. he's probably sleeping since he always works. at least the rush hour movies are on to keep me occupied today before the vikings play today and HOPEFULLY ruins the christmas wishes of the lions so they're knocked outta the playoffs. i'm pretty sure we're outta the play-offs but i'm reading this site trying to understand and it says "Minnesota needs a ton of help over the final four weeks of the season. The only scenario that would involve the Vikings surging to the postseason would require Minnesota going 4-0 in Weeks 15-18, plus having other teams drop multiple contests down the stretch." i'm pretty sure that's the remaining games.. i just hate to see players like justin jefferson warming the bench when he's got ALL the tools to help them win. it's kinda like these idiots making me warm the bench of minnesota before actually moving east. i'm not sure WHAT their intentions are for this shit other than neglect for their own convenience (selfishness). so i know the frustration justin jefferson feels warming the damn bench when he has more POTENTIAL and CAPABILITY than to just warm the damn bench and cheer his teammates on with a good attitude. i know for a fact, if i were him, i couldn't do it and i'd make a scene in front of cameras which would probably get me kicked off the team or at least suspended. so i give the guy credit for being a better teammate than i could ever be.

ANOTHER christmas.

okay.. so i just got done breaking down in my bathroom as i was brushing my teeth. i yelled some profanities in frustration to myself while crying. she can just use her fuckin infant daughter as a shield while her daughter's dad is KICKING her. NO WONDER WHY HE WAS KICKING HER STUPID ASS IF SHE'S GONNA BRING HER OWN DAMN DAUGHTER INTO THE FIGHT INSTEAD OF PROTECTING HER OR DOING EVERYTHING SHE COULD DO TO MOVE HER OUT OF THE CONFLICT. CAN'T EXPECT A NARCISSISTIC SELFISH BUM TO DO THAT THOUGH! she can't even visit her own fucking daughter on christmas or EVEN call her to wish her a merry christmas. i just hope she has to experience EVERYTHING that i've had to go through on account of her stupid ass. i was listening to the positive note of the day on the radio and it said you're not supposed to wish bad things on other people. i'm not sure if this would count as a "bad" thing seeing as she was the CAUSE of everything i wish she has to experience HERSELF. just sweeping this negligence and abuse DOESN'T solve shit either amanda and the rest of my negligent, uncaring family. IT WON'T JUST MAKE IT GO AWAY. i've went through TWO surgeries SO FAR and i read the last stage to damages to my bowel is shitting in a bag- so a colostomy! DOESN'T BOTHER MY MOM! IT'S NOT HER PROBLEM! JUST AS LONG AS SHE CAN FIND A WAY TO MAKE HERSELF A "VICTIM" IN THIS SITUATION! she's never even taken any accountability for any of my surgeries OR ANYTHING that i've been through because of HER. i stayed in minnesota for this SHIT. now NO ONE WILL HELP ME GET TO WHERE I CAN BE TRULY CONSTRUCTIVE AND HAPPY BECAUSE IT'S TOO MUCH DAMN WORK FOR ANYONE TO SHOW ME CARE OR ADVOCACY. one example of the carelessness is how i called both amanda and her mom to notify them i was going to have to have surgery but NO ANSWER FROM EITHER OF THEM! FAMILY DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING THESE DAYS, WHICH IS ALSO WHY I SHOULDN'T BE FORCED TO DECREASE MY POTENTIAL AND ABILITY JUST TO FIT INTO THE MEDIOCRE AND EASY ASS BUBBLE THAT PEOPLE WHO ARE SELFISH AND HAVE NEVER ACHIEVED ANYTHING WANT, SO I DON'T PASS THEIR EGOTISTICAL ASSES IN ACCOMPLISHMENTS THAT THEY CAN'T LAUGH SMUGLY AT OR TALK ABOUT. i should've figured i wasted my money on some presents for my mom, sister, and a few of her kids because my mom is too fucking stubborn to apologize. NEWSFLASH: THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND TRACY. i even thought about calling the man who almost killed me but had enough INTEGRITY to apologize for it (my mom could probably learn some things from him).. but then i remembered that he's an actual LOVING parent who pays attention to his family on the holidays and i didn't wanna spread any of my negative shit to him. so i'll be left until monday to discuss this with my psychologist. thanks mom and the rest of my family who feel it's wise to just condone this abuse/neglect! you're making me crazy (literally)! if i wasn't here.. i could at least be making MY OWN LIFE without thinking about this neglect and abuse BUT THAT'S TOO FUCKING MUCH FOR MY FAMILY TO ASSIST ME WITH BECAUSE MISERY LOVES COMPANY!.. *puts head down and middle finger up*. seriously. you're NOT helping like family is SUPPOSED to do. you're just helping my PTSD. this inability to communicate is just confirming my suspicions of the reason for both of my surgeries so far. my mom feels guilty and instead of being a person of integrity, she refuses to take accountability for this shit- which also feeds my ptsd. so if i sit here and think about the shit she's put me through and let it get to me- I'LL BE A MANIAC AND I'LL PROBABLY HAVE TO BE HAULED TO A MENTAL INSTITUTE. THEN SHE CAN GET SYMPATHY AND ATTENTION! so i'm trying my best not to think about how bums like her get away with this shit in life. i'm gonna go eat my pizza that i had fredrick get me yesterday so i could warm it up today for christmas dinner.

under the bridge isn't looking so bad now..

i was laying in bed this morning before i got up and i was thinking about how i got told to live here (pretty much because my case manager claimed she couldn't find any other apartments that would rent to someone who got evicted from another apartment..). i'm almost positive that amanda may have spoke to the last lady who used to run this ICS living program to get her agree to let me live here. i'm sure amanda isn't aware that lady isn't the boss here anymore because she never keeps track of what goes on with me- except stalking me through my blog. only immature asses like my sister do that. so you're joining the club! ever considered the fact that if you ACTUALLY communicated with ME- you wouldn't have to be on the same level as nosey ass sisters and moms who are basically "spying" because they don't talk to me otherwise and they don't have anything better to do with their lives. all you people need to grow up and use the energy you use to read my blog all the time (to the point i can't take a shit without someone knowing about it) to make your OWN damn lives! go fishing.. play chess.. play or help all of your children with school work.. take a jog outside or in a damn gym- DO SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE WHICH WILL ACTUALLY GET YOU RESULTS IN LIFE- OTHER THAN PISS ME OFF. one might say "well you don't have to write in your blog if you have such a problem with them reading it." i write in my blog for MY OWN GOOD. psychologically, it helps me express my thoughts and feelings.. it also helps me with memory since i have difficulty remembering things sometimes because of my traumatic brain injury. i would've probably slit my wrists or ran out in front of a driving car on the street a long time ago if i wasn't able to express myself through my blog. my life isn't a source of entertainment for you. make your own life if you feel so damn bored to be nosey about mine. it's not gonna get you anywhere stalking me. so when it comes time for me to move from this apartment or if i happen to get so pissed off with something in this particular apartment again like in burnsville (the caretaker sitting in the apartment across the hall from my apartment EVERY DAY didn't help things either), i eventually make an angry scene so that i get kicked out of here- I'M NOT GONNA HAVE ANYWHERE I CAN GO! doesn't concern amanda.. she has somewhere to live.. I GOT THIS! (according to her).. or if this living program happens to end for some reason- I WON'T BE ABLE TO LIVE IN ANOTHER APARTMENT THANKS TO THOSE DICKS IN BURNSVILLE!.. doesn't concern amanda though even though she happens to be my "advocate"! "YOU GOT THIS!" is ALL i'll be told. wonder if there's any nice bridges around here where i can live until they arrest me for being homeless. OH BUT I COULD ALWAYS BE STUCK INTO A GROUP HOME (WHICH MY GRANDMA ABSOLUTELY REFUSED TO PUT ME IN WHEN SHE WAS LIVING)! another example of amanda's careless ability to advocate for me PROPERLY! just as long as i don't use too much toilet paper when i go to her house! which is more than likely the reason why she'll never invite me to her house.. which is also more than likely contributing to why she didn't ask me to spend christmas with her this year.. "well what about her own mom?" my mom prefers to stalk me also and she doesn't bare ANY responsibility to her OWN daughter (she can't even take accountability for the two incisions i have on my abdomen region because she thought it was a good idea to use ME as a shield while my dad was kicking her when i was an infant and she had me in her arms)!.. plus, she's negative- i told myself i wasn't gonna deal with negativity starting last year.. ALL she does when she calls me is COMPLAIN. i'm not sure if it's to "spur" my interest or wtf but it DOESN'T. go play checkers or something. so in case you may be wondering where i got this ability to complain so much.. LOOK AT MY MOM! ONE OF THE ONLY THINGS SHE HAS GAVE ME IN THIS LIFE BESIDES PTSD! then i know certain moms are saying "YOU SHOULD BE MORE GRATEFUL!".. YEAH! GRATEFUL FOR HAVING A FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE) WHO ONLY PAYS ATTENTION AND CARE TO ME WHEN IT'S CONVENIENT AND/OR BENEFICIAL FOR THEM! or how bout the shitty ass renting record i have thanks to smokers?! YEAH! I CAN BE GRATEFUL ON THE EDGE OF BEING HOMELESS! ROCK ON!.. seriously, worry about YOURSELF before taking the iniative to say anything about their lack of gratefulness to anyone. i haven't heard any lectures about how i should be more "grateful" from her lately though.. i'm just thinking of any possible reactions i may get from this post. i might be considered paranoid for that but whatever. i need to contact the guy that justin suggested to me soon though because no one else is concerned about me being on the edge of being homeless, it doesn't concern them personally so I GOT THIS!.. pfft. you're NOT "helping" me by NOT helping me. I ALMOST DIED OVER 23 YEARS AGO. I WAS IN A COMA FOR 6 MONTHS. THE DOCTORS WANTED TO DISCONNECT THE LIFE SUPPORT BECAUSE THEY TOLD MY GRANDMA I'D BE A VEGETABLE ALL MY LIFE IF AND WHEN I CAME OUTTA THE COMA. if amanda was there- she wouldn't hesitate to unhook the life support for her CONVENIENCE and because that's what doctors said! so i can be grateful that i didn't have an advocate who was only concerned about her own convenience and benefit. i also busted my ass in rehabilitation at the courage center (and with the help of tram who never was concerned about liability so he actually got me OUT of my chair!) for at least 7 years. if i hadn't got myself kicked outta that burnsville shithole- I'D PROBABLY STILL BE LIVING THERE THANKS TO HOW LITTLE AMANDA CARES ABOUT MY WELL-BEING. JUST AS LONG AS IT'S CONVENIENT FOR HER AND MAKES HER APPEAR "CARING" AND "SUPPORTIVE"!.. merry fuckin christmas.

crummy renting records.. THANKS.

considering i have my doubts about zen/the rest of my ics workers ACTUALLY doing their damn jobs.. i decided to tell justin, who works at the community center i work at about how the asses at the burnsville shithole are trying to ruin my renting record by saying i got evicted. i told justin about how they basically gave me a "slap on the wrist" because they SAID they weren't gonna formally evict me since i said i filed complaints about smoking in a NON-SMOKING APARTMENT.. however- i'm also not sure if zen is using that email from the caretaker of the burnsville shithole as an excuse NOT to do his job of advocating for me because he was so quick to side with the caretaker after he read the email from them telling me he was gonna kick me out of the apartment, zen said, "if management says they don't want something you do and you do it- then there's reason for them to kick you out." TOTALLY IGNORING MY side of the story and why i reacted like that in the first place. justin scrunched his face after i told him that they kicked me out for complaining about the smoking in a non-smoking apartment and said, "something there doesn't sound right." i'm pretty sure he wasn't referring to my side of the story because he helps me the best he can with things when he can, so he told me i could contact a man that deals with homelessness at the community center i work at. i'm gonna contact him seeing as no one else seems to give a fuck about me (FAMILY INCLUDED AMANDA). i told him about my breathing problems and how i've had at least 3 surgeries on my palet in my life, so i'd breathe better and so you could understand me better. YOU'RE COMPLETELY CARELESS IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I WANT TO MOVE OUTTA THIS DAMN STATE WITH THE LACKOF CARE AND SUPPORT I HAVE. MINNESOTA IS GREAT MY ASS. MAYBE FOR ENTITLED, SELFISH, IGNORANT, AND NEGLIGENT PEOPLE WHO HAVE THEIR HEADS SO FAR UP THEIR OWN FUCKIN ASSES THEY IGNORE THE REALITY THAT JUST BECAUSE IT'S GOOD FOR ONE PERSON- DOES NOT MEAN IT'S GOING TO BE GOOD FOR EVERYONE ELSE. IGNORANT ASSHOLE. don't even try to assist me anymore- you're just pissing me off. i'm telling EVERYONE i can think of you are unhelpful and ignorant to my needs. AMANDA JUST TURNS HER HEAD WHEN IT COMES TO THE FACT THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE I'LL NEVER FIND ANOTHER APARTMENT THAT WILL ACTUALLY RENT TO ME BECAUSE OF THAT BURNSVILLE SHITHOLE AND THE FUCKIN SMOKERS. DOESN'T CONCERN HER AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T HAVE TO DO WITH HER!

well i've got ONE person to vouch for me for sure!

the nurse who fills my anodyne machine just left my apartment. she asked me how i was doing and i said, "well.. i just seen ics this morning and they were helping me register for some boston housing company and we got to the part where they asked my history of apartments. the ics worker was looking through my email to find out information on my past apartments and he found an email from the caretaker of the burnsville apartment basically stating he was evicting me. i said that the only reason i got kicked outta there was because of my reactions to the SMOKING in a NON-SMOKING APARTMENT." the nurse was surprised at what i just said and she said, "WHAT?! I CAN VOUCH FOR YOU IF YOU NEED ME TO. I REMEMBER IT STUNK LIKE SMOKE AT THAT APARTMENT! CAROLINE AND (SOME OTHER NURSE I DON'T REMEMBER) CAN EVEN VOUCH FOR YOU! YOU NEVER SWORE AT OTHER RESIDENTS!" i'm positive that joe will speak up for me also, seeing as he's the ONLY family member who cares about me and will stick up for me. i had a feeling those fuckers ruined my renting record when they told me i had to get outta that apartment. i could take those dicks to court. joe had numbers i could call. so if it comes to that- you better bet your ass i'm gonna do it because I'M NOT CONTENT OR HAPPY JUST SETTLING FOR AN APARTMENT THAT WREAKS LIKE CIGARETTE SMOKE, LIVING OFF SOCIAL SECURITY, AND BEING STALKED BY SOME LOSER OF A CARETAKER EVERY FUCKING DAY. i've got better things to do for my life. you're a fuckin idiot if you don't understand what i'm saying because it's JUST INCONVENIENT FOR YOU. THIS IS MY LIFE, DICKS.

more proof that life isn't fair for ME!.. what a surprise.

ics called me this morning and asked if i wanted to have a session. so i said i'd be up for a session because i had just got done eating and brushing my teeth. we checked on if the boston housing company we were gathering information for had received the doctor's note saying i was disabled and how accessible housing would improve my living. i had given the doctor's office the mailing address to the housing company and so we called to check on it. then they said we could have it emailed if it hadn't came and it'd be faster. so he got the email address from them and we were filling out the past apartments info. and zen was looking through my past emails and he found the email from the past caretaker at burnsville and then zen said, "i don't know if they'll still take you, it may be a little harder since i read in this email that you were evicted from the apartment in burnsville." then i said, "i was upset and made a scene because NO ONE would address my smoking complaints in a NON-SMOKING APARTMENT! i couldn't breathe because i had AT LEAST 2 or 3 surgeries on my palet! PLUS- IT SAID WHEN YOU CAME INTO THE FRONT DOOR THAT IT WAS A NON-SMOKING ENVIRONMENT AND I GET PUNISHED FOR IT?!" then zen said, "well.. it might be more difficult to get you in an apartment.." i remember when joe came to my apartment in burnsville and he told me he had to wash his clothes because they smelled like SMOKE from JUST visiting me ONCE. THAT'S HOW BAD IT WAS. i get punished for people's lack of care to do the APPROPRIATE WORK to make sure a "NON-SMOKING APARTMENT" has CLEAN AIR AND A CLEAN ENVIRONMENT. RIDICULOUS. so zen told me to get the names of the past apartments i lived at and the dates of the times i lived there. i asked my case manager for this information and she replied back with the information i requested within about an hour. people's lack of care and negligence is preventing me from MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE AGAIN!.. what a surprise. it's like they won't be satisfied until i'm an unemployed chain smoking bum. WHATEVER'S MORE CONVENIENT FOR THEM! RIGHT AMANDA?! MINNESOTA IS THE BEST FOR HEALTH CARE!.. so it should just make me alright to live through throat and/or lung cancer! so i can be by my family who only pays attention to me when it makes them look good or it's convenient for them! woo!..shaddup. you're all careless, selfish, and ignorant asses. i'm just gonna keep going to sabathani and just keep my eyes on the prize while completely IGNORING people's attempts to drag me down with them because MISERY LOVES COMPANY!

causes of my ptsd diagnosis.

i forgot to mention the conversation i had with my psychologist today. i was expressing my frustration with my mom's refusal to take accountability or EVEN mention how my dad accidentally kicked ME the last time i'm pretty sure i seen him because my mom's selfish narcissistic ass used ME as a "shield" while my dad kicked her and he accidentally kicked ME instead. she's NEVER brought it up to me (probably because my psychologist agreed with me that she's ASHAMED and i'm sure she's afraid of my reaction, my mom just assumes if she just "sweeps the abuse and neglect under the rug" and doesn't address it- IT'LL GO AWAY! my psychologist made the observation that that's how my mom and i are different- i DON'T ignore shit, i address it right away.. the psychologist said that's how i learn NOT to be- from looking at my mom's behavior).. the way i found out was remembering how my grandma brought up the doctors asking her and my mom if i had went through anything that would cause injury to my stomach/abdomen and my grandma said straight out, "i didn't tell the doctors about a fight that tracy and poncho had when poncho was kicking at tracy, tracy had stacy in her arms and turned to get away from him and accidentally kicked stacy." my grandma was condoning my mom's selfishness and neglect. my grandma called my dad "poncho" for some reason. i went through MOST of my life without a damn father because my mom is selfish and uncaring. since i know she lives to read my blog because she likes reading about how fuckin horrible of a person she is because someone cares enough about her to talk about her (and since she's an ignorant ass, she doesn't care if it's revealing how shitty of a person she is- JUST AS LONG AS IT'S ABOUT HER!) after having to have been cut open at least TWO times due to her selfishness- time for someone to actually let her know how fucking horrible of a person she is. everyone is probably saying, "SHE SHOULDN'T TALK ABOUT THE WOMAN WHO GAVE HER LIFE LIKE THAT!".. so she gave me life.. the credit goes to MY GRANDPARENTS for basically raising me. she never shot hoops with me and went to ALL of my basketball games (and i'm pretty sure one of the bigger reasons why i even was on the traveling team when i was younger was thanks to my grandpa knowing the banker who was one of the coaches of the team). she never taught me how to read. the credit goes to my grandma who refused to listen to people when they told her i was illiterate (i think because my mom is basically illiterate when i was growing up.. until she COINCIDENTALLY knows how to read my blog now) and my grandma used hooked-on-phonics to have me reading when people tried to tell my mom and grandma i was illiterate. she CAN'T take credit for ANYTHING in my life. oh.. maybe she can take credit for all those times she left me alone at her house while i was wheelchair-dependant and she went to the bar to play pool! *claps* nice.. *rolls eyes* and people WONDER why i hauled ass when i got my driver's license and took the opportunity to go to new york without the acknowledgement of my mom and/or grandparents.. or anyone for that matter. it's NOT like my mom REALLY cared anyway and i had anything to lose! she can put her "concerned parent" mask on now and act like I am the crazy one. not after at least TWO surgeries on my abdomen organs. you've done more damage physically AND psychologically to me than ANYTHING. my advice is to just LET ME create my life without trying to pull my bum mommy or my family who acts entitled to a relationship to me after they've done NOTHING for me along with me and/or ask permission to go where i'm going!.. except joe but it's not fair to stack all the responsibility on him.. and he's told me several times, he's supportive of me as long as i'm truly happy. that's MORE than i can say about ANY of my family members who only show care when it's convenient and/or beneficial for THEM.

getting prepared.

my psychologist just left my place. i called my care coodinator when my ics worker was here yesterday and zen helped me fill out an application for some housing assistance company yesterday and they said i needed a referral from a doctor saying i'm disabled/handicapped and i need accomodations for the apartment in massachusetts. so i called my care coordinator and left him a message asking for my primary care doctor's number because i need accomodations for my apartment there and to verify that i'm handicapped, with a brain injury. i didn't get any response from him yet today, so i called my case manager and found out my primary care doctor's number and called them before my psychologist came today and asked them if they could have my primary care doctor write a note saying i'm disabled with a traumatic brain injury, so i need accomodations in the apartment, at first they wanted to fax my doctor and i couldn't find a fax number for the primary care doctor and then they asked if i could find a mailing address for my primary care doctor and i found the address but i just remembered something- i don't remember if i specified which primary care doctor it was exactly. hopefully i told them. then my psychologist came and we had a conversation about how my mom and amanda don't provide me with any support whatsoever. we talked about how they were only supportive of me when it came to going to the courage center and i'm DONE going there- the car accident that i was involved in was OVER TWENTY FOUR FUCKIN YEARS AGO. my psychologist agreed with my frustration. i said, "THERE'S STAGES WHEN IT COMES TO REHABILITATION AND IT SEEMS LIKE THEY WANT ME TO STAY IN THE STAGE WHERE I ATTEND THE COURAGE CENTER JUST SO THEY ACTUALLY APPEAR CARING AND SUPPORTIVE WHEN THEY'RE NOT BEING ANY OF THOSE THINGS, TRYING TO KEEP ME IN THE SAME PLACE MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE. THIS IS WHERE THE LACK OF EMPATHY PART COMES IN- HOW WOULD THEY LIKE THEIR PROGRESS AND EVERYTHING THEY'VE DONE IN LIFE JUST TO GET WHERE THEY ARE COMPLETELY DISREGARDED AND IGNORED?! THEY WOULDN'T FUCKIN LIKE IT." my psychologist agreed with me and said there should be a program that deals with patients when they just get out of rehabilitation like i am. i think the stupid courage center might have a program for that but no one conveniently told me about it because they wanted to keep making money off me going to their easy ass therapy.
before my psychologist came, my job coach came and had the 60-day evaluation meeting with her supervisor. i told him about the interview i just had last week and how the lady seemed interested in hiring me because she asked me where i lived and was asking me questions that i told her i was qualified with and she said she'd get back to me today if i got the job. then i asked if i should call them to see and she said the day wasn't over yet, i should wait. then while my job coach and her supervisor were talking to each other, my job coach brought up an idea of how i could get someone else to work with me because they probably have other methods and one of her other clients did this with her and ended up getting hired for some job the first week with the other job coach. i'm open to suggestions as long as it'll help me get employed, so i agreed with the idea. so i'm hopefully starting to get my ducks in a row for housing and a new job. i'm NOT going back or staying in the same place in my life. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS.

2026 is for *ACTION*. not for settling for just good enough. if you ain't with the program, buzz off.

the ics told me to check on the massachusetts housing application, to see if my care coordinator could get me a doctor's note saying that i'm disabled, so i can get handicapped/disabled housing i'm pretty sure in massachusetts. certain entitled naive people are acting clueless about WHY i wanna move from minnesota because i have "EVERYTHING HERE!".. i'm NOT a naive, brainwashed idiot that will just believe whatever the hell you tell me. YOU might have "EVERYTHING" here but that doesn't mean everyone else does. i lack the proper support and resources to help me be an actual constructive citizen. THAT DOESN'T MEAN A HANDICAPPED PERSON WHO RELIES ON SOCIAL SECURITY WHILE THEY MINDLESSLY ATTEND SOME SORRY EXCUSE OF A "REHABILITATION INSTITUTE" JUST FOR THE CONVENIENCE OF SOME PEOPLE WHO DON'T EVEN GIVE ME THE TIME OF DAY/SUPPORT AT ALL. i told people that come to help me do things what amanda says to me whenever i call her, not offering me any help at all but just "YOU GOT THIS!" a person looked blankly at me in disbelief that someone could be so careless and they asked me, "has she EVER worked with a person who has a brain injury before?" i answered, "i don't know. it doesn't seem like it." they agreed. my advice is to take a class in empathy along with one that teaches about traumatic brain injuries since you think you know everything. maybe then you'd actually have something to back your false convenient claims (such as "minnesota is the best for health care because they got courage kenny!".. just for your information- my friend, who is a citizen of new york, said they have courage kennys in new york). try researching things before you act like you know things. go tell someone else to go to courage kenny because i have OTHER GOALS which deserve to be addressed by myself before going back in my capability just to appease people who only give me the time of day when it's convenient or beneficial for them. don't even try if you've just got your own self interests in mind while totally disregarding EVERYTHING i've been through and everything i've done to get where i am today. you're not helping. don't even try to make it seem like you are either because i WILL shut down ALL your fucking lies and depending on my mood at the time- it may not be very nice.

needed information

i had ics today and we checked on my application to the apartment i toured in boston when i took a trip there last. good thing too because the ics asked me if i sent this information and i could've sworn that another ics worker assisted me in sending it in a while ago but zen said they didn't.. so he had to enter everything in and we need a doctor to state that i'm disabled. since it's sunday, i couldn't call the doctor's office, so the best i could do was call my care coordinator and left him a voicemail saying i needed a letter from my doctor saying i was disabled for the apartment that i'm applying to in boston. i hope i can get this information as soon as possible because i need to get this information to the apartment soon in order to confirm my application.
i was thinking (i probably mentioned this before).. and my family is responsible for my PTSD. i wasn't diagnosed with PTSD right after my accident like a person would assume.. my recent psychologist diagnosed me with PTSD after her last evaluation with me. i'm thinking that when i had dreams about my dad kicking me by accident while meaning to kick my mom, when she was holding ME in FRONT OF HER.. those reminscant dreams coincidentally came during my last surgery on my blocked bowel.. sorta like God was trying to tell me why i was going through what i was currently going through. i remember looking up PTSD a while ago and it mentions having traumatic dreams about traumatic events in a person's life.. so that explains why i was diagnosed with PTSD. it's NOTHING but NEGLECTFUL for amanda and the rest of my "care" team to avoid helping to get me as FAR from my mom as possible, because she obviously has the worst intentions and motives for me. i'm pretty sure the LACK of care towards my brother and i has to do something with trying to get back at my dad through me (and my brother.. who DOES have the SAME father as me.. kinda explains how she felt entitled to steal a bunch of money from my brother when she did a while ago too). your narcissistic ass should've just aborted us since you don't plan on taking care or loving us fully if other people aren't giving you attention or credit for it. you should've just stuck to having fucking dogs. you're obviously not suited and responsible enough to be a mother. now you can go whine about how i came to this realization to grandma's friends or any other relatives that can tolerate your whining. i'm not gonna help you or listen to you anymore.. you're just a big clingy idiot who wants to drag everyone who is actually trying to make a life for themselves down. you don't have the best intentions for me. you feel the need to drag me down to your level and cling to me because.. MISERY LOVES COMPANY! like i said.. you have another daughter WITH children (your grandchildren) that you can concentrate on! be a good grandma and see how they're doing. although i just remembered something- she would probably beat your ass like her dad used to if you bothered her. so it's probably just best to resume talking to your dogs.