IT'S CALLED "EMPATHY".. SOME PEOPLE NEED TO LEARN IT IN ORDER TO OPERATE IN THIS LIFETIME TO GAIN RESPECT.

in case you're naive and convinced otherwise- my family has obviously been LITTLE to NO help to me. I got myself where I am today. if it was up to amanda (the person who i was told would help me get to where I am truly happy and successful), i'd still be in the subsidized shithole of an apartment that i lived in burnsville. she was just concerned with making me feel satisfied and content with giving up ALL of my goals. because after all- i DO have a traumatic brain injury- so in her eyes that means i have to haul my ass to courage kenny every fuckin day and not ask anyone to help me progress in life because i AM a complete imbicile who has a traumatic brain injury! NO ONE LISTENS TO ME ANYWAY RIGHT, EINSTEIN?! ALL i'm capable of is MINDLESSLY attending some overrated, sad excuse of a "rehabilitation institute" which only helps people with proactive, supporting advocates! SOMETHING I OBVIOUSLY LACK! i had this conversation with my psychologist today (i've had MANY conversations similar to this one) about how i'm almost certain that amanda got the idea that being my "advocate" would be just like how my grandma was to my mom. NO ONE in this world is the exact same as another person. situations between EVERYONE are always different. EVEN if it means going against your damn convenience. IF you REALLY cared about another person- you'd actually make an effort to help them the way THEY want and need to be helped in order to be a truly successful, happy person. you may just sarcastically and PRETENTIOUSLY laugh at me finding support in the ONLY person in my family who cares about me but his lifestyle has NOTHING to do with the love and support i get from him. he's aware that i recognize that and SHOULD BE too. he's got more care and experience in life than any of you could ever HOPE to have. you all could learn something from him if you dropped your ignorant, entitled fucking attitudes. JOE is the ONLY relative of mine that actually helps me the way I want and NEED to be helped. might have something to do with genes because my grandpa just seemed like a more genuinely caring person, so the help comes from that side of the family now. not JUST because my grandma expects it because that's her family either and families are SUPPOSED to "support" one another- regardless if what they want for themselves is different from what they want. now that she's dead though- she doesn't have knowledge of how amanda refuses to help me in the way that my grandma used to swear to me that she would help ME and not just my uncaring, entitled mom who didn't have to go through living through a coma for 6 months, busting her ass in rehab. to get OUT of a wheelchair, and banging the hell outta her body when falling while trying to behave and operate like a NORMAL, HEALTHY person (NOT TO FORGET TWO SURGERIES ON MY BOWEL THANKS TO HER NEGLECTFUL, SELFISH ASS). it's ridiculous that you idiots don't understand WHY i want to move from this unopportunistic state where i don't get any care or support given to me (except joe- but i can't put everything on him). besides- i have absolutely NO interest in remaining in this state- they can't even give me my damn driver's license back without trying to take advantage of my disability. it's not like there's a good transportation system available around here either.

responsibility.

i have a meeting with my job coach and her supervisor in about a half an hour. i'm supposed to get a new job coach.. so i was unsure if she'd be at this meeting but i just looked and it says "and tabitha" written after her supervisor's name- so this may be the last meeting with her. i hope i get a job soon because i'm going crazy not having anything to do and when i'm bored- i tend to get in trouble.. i'm sure i told some lady at the last hotel that i was supposed to be working at but i decided that job was too physical and i'd more than likely end up getting hurt. i also scheduled an interview tomorrow i think to be the concierge at some nursing home tomorrow. the lady who i was speaking to when i scheduled the interview claimed it wasn't physical work and just at a desk doing computer work mostly.. so HOPEFULLY i get the job because she made it sound like a job that i would be completely capable of doing.
these recurring thoughts of how i'm pretty sure amanda just assumed i'd be like my mom and her job would be like how my grandma used to help my mom when she was alive. some problems with that assumption. i went to college+graduated high school WITH HONORS+had a few jobs in my life already.. WE'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT THE SAME. not even for your convenience. i was not entitled to be raised by parents who BOTH were EMPLOYED.. i had to learn how to basically support myself monetarily and with the mindset that i'd have to do so. my dad didn't own an apartment and wasn't a tileman on the side.. I DIDN'T EVEN REALLY KNOW MY DAD BECAUSE I'M SURE MY MOM PLAYED THE VICTIM WELL ENOUGH TO GET MY GRANDPA TO CHASE MY DAD OFF TO MEXICO. it takes TWO to tango- so i'm almost positive my dad didn't just beat on my mom for fun. whatever. i more than likely won't ever find out but i'm not enabling my mom's entitled mind by just acting like she's a good parent because SHE'S NOT. the only reason why she ever took care of me while i was in a wheelchair was because MY GRANDMA MADE HER. i remember hearing a phone conversation between the two of them and my mom wanted to go out to the bar and my grandma had to threaten my mom to take care of me just so she'd fuckin take care of HER OWN daughter. so you're SUPPOSED to be considered a "caring" parent when you show objection to taking care of your OWN daughter when she's handicapped and wheelchair-bound just because YOU want to go to the bar and play pool? okay.. sorry if you don't realize how ridiculous this sounds. i remember telling my grandma about how she went to the bar when i needed something i couldn't get because i was paraplegic at the moment.. she ended up having to come into town for a while when i used to go to my mom's place for the weekend when i think i used to live in burnsville. you're a moron if you don't understand what built my independent mindset because it's CLEAR that I am ALL i have now that my grandma's dead. i could be dead and NO ONE would give a flying fuck! they'd all pretend just to get sympathy i suppose.

it's *JUST* stacy! who gives a damn about her anyway!

douglas came over last night and he brought some girl he called his "homegirl" over with him. he told me her name was stacy.. which i kinda have doubts about because no one ever tells me their real fuckin name around here. he said she had schizoprenia.. and i'm not doubting it- she mumbled shit that didn't even make sense non-stop and then she asked me for a piece of paper because she was gonna draw me something (i forget what right now.. OH YEAH! SHE CLAIMED SHE COULD MAKE A CHECK- like one worth money appear) , so i got her my notebook off my computer desk and gave her a piece of paper. she wrote some words on it that didn't even make sense put in the order they were put in, douglas said she was giving him a headache trying to understand her- so i didn't even try because i didn't wanna get a headache (there actually was a moment where i was gonna try to understand what she was saying, then douglas said he had a headache trying to understand what she was saying- so i dropped that intention mostly for my own good, because i didn't really feel like getting a headache). then she started raising her voice about something and said, "FUCK IT. I'M OUTTA HERE." then i just shrugged my shoulders and said, "okay." then douglas said to her, "I TRIED TO BE NICE TO YOU. I BOUGHT YOU THAT FOOD AND POP. I'M SURE STACY WOULD'VE LET YOU SLEEP ON THE FLOOR WITH A BLANKET AND PILLOW BUT YOU'RE SITTING THERE KICKING OVER THE DRINKS ON THE FLOOR." because she had accidentally walked and kicked over the bottle of booze douglas set on the floor. so he was irritated with her for that and he wiped it up but i can still smell it when i'm sitting at my computer right now. then she stumbled outta my apartment and i said to douglas, "you gotta make sure she's okay.." then he walked outta my apartment and said something to her, i'm not really sure what went on but he came back after like 5 minutes if that and i said, "is she gonna be ok?" then he said, "yeah.. she'll be alright.. i pointed her to the bus stop.." so the cops more than likely picked her up for being crazy.. hopefully she's safe.
i had my ics worker find the company that said i was safe to drive last time i took driving lessons since my trustee gave me the same terms my last trustee gave me and he never ended up buying a vehicle (WITH MY OWN MONEY) for me after i went through driving lessons and the guy told me i was safe to drive. then he goes and denies it, in hopes that i'll fail it the second time i take the lessons and i just have to be inconvenienced with proving my ability once AGAIN because- HEY! WHO THE FUCK CARES IF STACY WANTS TO GET ON WITH HER LIFE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.. SHE'S DISABLED! SHE CAN'T POSSIBLY HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO BESIDES PROVE HERSELF OVER AND FUCKING OVER! if i actually had people that gave a fuck about me- I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL THIS SHIT IN ORDER TO BE A SUCCESSFUL PERSON! this is just confirmation that no one would care if i died. of course they'd pretend to get attention and sympathy but they don't give a fuck.. RIGHT MOM? JUST SO YOU'D APPEAR YOU ACTUALLY CARED! and "caring" DOES NOT equal forcing me to go back in my progress and ability just to give some pathetic excuse of an OVERRATED rehabilitation "facility" business AGAIN SINCE I HAVE ATTENDED THAT WASTE OF TIME FOR AT LEAST 4 OR 5 FUCKING YEARS. OF COURSE THE DICKS WILL LIE AND DENY IT JUST TO GET A CLIENT SINCE NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WASTES THEIR TIME ON THAT BULLSHIT ANYMORE.

i hope i'll find something i'm interested in.

this late afternoon, i received a call from some place in minneapolis and they asked me if i was still interested in the concierge position at their business. i said, "yeah." then while the lady was talking to me about the job, i started to wonder if maybe there was something i couldn't do because i thought concierges had more responsibilities but i continued to listen to what she said the concierge usually does and i'm positive that i'm capable of doing all the tasks she listed. so that was reassuring. so i have this possible back-up plan if they decide they're interested in hiring me if the job i interviewed for last week isn't interested. the job coach that went with me to that interview told me that i did a good job at the interview and they should hire me if they don't find someone else. i thought the interview went well also but that doesn't say much because i think most of my interviews go well and i'm still not hired for the job. i'll just keep working at it, seeing as i'm on the waiting list of the apartment in boston and still entering appropriate information to get the apartment. zen said another year or two it should take to get the apartment but i hope i come across good luck to get in sooner, seeing as i thought i just entered my application in for this apartment and my name is already in the 20's (i think) on the waiting list. i'll just keep working on making my resume look good, so it won't be AS HARD to get employed when i finally get the apartment.

i keep coming across reasons why i'm moving.. WHAT A SURPRISE!

i'm waiting on my doctor to sign some papers for concord.. then i think they'll work on getting me a residence. i asked the ics worker if we should remind the doctor that we need them to sign papers for me since i KNOW there's a deadline (zen claims that the housing agency gave us an extension but i'll feel more reassured if and when the doctor gets the signature to them). i just don't want to get dropped off the waiting list because people who were supposed to be helping me purposely didn't get the appropriate documents signed and sent to the agency by a certain date because that would be just my luck. it wouldn't bother people because it's not their personal business. that's another reason why i hate depending on others for support because half the time you don't know if they're REALLY trying to help you or if it's just at their convenience (which i'm actually used to dealing with a narcissistic family.. joe is pretty much the only relative who actually helps me anymore now that my grandma isn't alive to ask others for help). so if they don't wanna help me- i don't see any reason to remain in a state where certain family members think showing care equals emptily supporting me to go to some sad excuse of an overrated "rehabilitation center" which i'm DONE with- i attended that shit for at least 5 years for them to say i need to rely on a walker or trekking poles to assist me to walk so they can continue sucking money outta me to go to their "rehabilitation center" and they can just have me do the SAME UNHELPFUL shit because no one gives a shit about me to actually advocate for me to progress in my condition and abilities! they KNEW i want to get my driver's license back again and i've taken that fuckin stupid driving program at least twice in my life. i'm more ambulatory and stronger than a lot of licensed drivers i've seen driving vehicles. they can't even help me to walk again (tram holloway gets ALL the credit for that).. WHAT MAKES ANYONE THINK THOSE ASSHOLES WOULD HELP ME TO GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE BACK AGAIN?

trying to progress with NO resources or "support".

alright! that went better than my interview before the phone interview i'd say. i told the lady at the desk that i was there for an interview and she told me that i could sit by the door and wait. when i was sitting, waiting for the guy who interviewed me, the guy who interviewed me walked up to the door and looked at me, then turned around to ask the lady where the woman he was interviewing was and she pointed to me- then he walked over to me and said hi then we went further into the lobby and sat. i had first got the impression that this interview would be another strike out after he couldn't even recognize the person he was interviewing, then i tried to reassure myself with the fact he's never met me before, so he probably just didn't know (ignoring the MOST logical reason- i was sitting there with a cane and although i WAS dressed professionally- he probably didn't wanna assume and assumed i was just a guest or something?). he asked me about what i did before i applied to this and i told him about how i was volunteering at sabathani now but i wanted to actually be paid for my work and i told him about when i used to work at license and registration systems for accord. then i told him about my first job at pc's for people and i mentioned how i worked for the NFL superbowl experience when the superbowl came to minnesota. then the job coach who was helping my regular job coach came and interrupted us, apologizing for being late and introduced herself. the guy who was interviewing went outta his way to ask if i knew how to work with computers. i told him i did and i had studied information systems management at rasmussen college. my technology savvi seems to be an advantage for me because i remember the interviewer at 3 or 4 of my past job interviews if i knew how to work with computers. so i'm just assuming that attracts employers to ask me for interviews (because that's the last step in hiring). so being a nerd actually gives me an advantage finally. HOPEFULLY it ACTUALLY assists me in getting this job. then he asked me if i had any questions for him- i had actually been mentally preparing myself for this EXACT question because i tend to struggle with it during interviews. i actually asked him the questions i was curious about and had been thinking of since i applied because during the last interview, i don't think i could think of any. the job coach who sat in on the interview did go out of her way after the interview to compliment me on the questions i asked after the interview when she was talking with me about how the interview went when i was waiting for my lyft ride to come. i just hope he doesn't use my method of transportation against me (because i don't have my own car because people that have their own cars are probably more available to work all the time.. but i'll probably NEVER have the advantage to drive again thanks to all the support i get to make sure i'm successful and have everything i need to be successful *ROLLS EYES* another reason why i'm moving OUT of this unopportunistic state). hopefully he doesn't use that against me because there's nothing i can do to get my license again that i haven't already tried. it's not fair that i get punished for NOT drinking in the car accident that i was in when that's the WHOLE reason why the damn accident even happened. whatever.. tell it to someone who actually cares which is.. *gasp* NO ONE!

another one i'm not sure of.

i just had a phone interview with some insurance company for a receptionist position. i'd say it went fairly well- i don't remember saying anything wrong but i don't remember saying anything that would make me stand out from the other candidates really. that was the problem at at least one of my previous interviews. when the guy asked me if i had any questions for him- all i could come up with what's the regular day like for someone who works this position. after i hung the phone up, i said to myself that he probably wasn't interested in hiring me.. just the feeling i got, like i didn't spark any interest in him. i have another in-person interview in the afternoon which is actually in-person at a hotel in minneapolis. this time, a job coach will be with me at the interview, sorta for support. so i just hope to get working soon. i was thinking about the last job i was supposed to be working and i think the lady who interviewed me seen potential in me but i don't think i had the physical potential to work the only job she had open at the time. she probably was hoping to fill the job opening as fast as possible and i had been applying to another position which they were going to fill, but she obviously seen potential in me that she didn't wanna lose, so she just stuck me in the open position and i tried to tell her that i didn't think the position would work for me in a voicemail but i also doubt they had any other open positions even though one of the girls who work the front desk said they need help at the front desk during weekends in particular- i told the lady that's what a front desk person said and she just denied it. just gonna have to find another job somewhere else. hopefully this interview in the afternoon goes better for me.

some people *ACTUALLY* have this thing called "INTEGRITY". LEARN IT.

i met with ics today and he made sure my application was all sent in to the boston housing authority. i thought i had to verify my priority and preferance.. zen claims all i have to do is wait for my name to come up on the waiting lists i entered myself in. i'm pretty sure he was making sure my doctor sent in my letter saying i was disabled and i need accomodations in the apartment to make things easier for me. i just hope he's not telling me that we don't need to do anything else when there IS something they're asking me to do and my name gets dropped off the list. he said the last letter i got from them was just telling me i was the last priority of the waiting list because i'm not a citizen of the state. a person has to start somewhere i suppose. zen said my name should come up within about 2 years. that's better than what i was told the length of time it'd take to get housing in new york when i actually had a consultant assisting me hired by wells fargo when my money was with them at first. so in the meantime, i'm gonna work on building my work experience, so i have a useful resume to help me get employed when i finally get to boston, so it's not too difficult to find a job seeing as i'm not entitled enough to have parents who are actually employed and own apartments- so all i have to do is depend on social security unlike other neglectful parents. i also am aware that i NEED to ACTUALLY be CONSTRUCTIVE and busy or my mind tends to wander and i get myself into trouble. so the WISEST and most LOGICAL thing to do would be to work on building my resume with work experience, NOT for the convenience of neglectful uncaring selfish relatives who just want to LOOK like they actually care by underestimating me and carelessly keeping me within their comfort bubbles at their convenience. who's life is this anyway? MINE. just because my mom feels satisfied living below the cost of living and letting everyone do everything for her- does NOT make me the same. go fuckin bother one of her other kids with that assumption if you wanna feel like that makes you appear "caring". i'm aware that i'm more capable than living depending SOLELY on social security, throwing all my goals away for everyone else's CONVENIENCE. just go away if you think you can force me to lower my capability and ability just for the convenience of people who really DON'T give a shit about me. don't even attempt to look like you "care" about me if you're gonna underestimate my capability and abilities, not even if it makes your ego look better in front of your damn in-laws. you're not using me to make yourself look better. i'm sick of this false sense of "caring" i get from family members only for the reason that it's better than nothing! fuck that. don't even "care" about me if you're gonna underestimate my abilities and capabilities just so it's CONVENIENT for YOU because this is MY life. not yours. not my uncaring pretend-to-be-handicap-so-people-feel-sorry-for-me mom's. MINE. i'm NOT stupid enough to believe you actually care about me- so cut the shit. IF you ACTUALLY did- you'd be working with ME to see how I am GENUINELY HAPPY. if i was just laying down, not working- i KNOW from EXPERIENCE that people would be bitchin about it too. that shit is too fuckin boring and i know i'm more capable than that. another reason why i'm moving from this particular state- because amanda assumes she won't have to care about me or do anything for me if i'm in the same state as her, attending some overrated pathetic excuse of a "rehabilitation center", and LIVING OFF SOCIAL SECURITY BECAUSE SHE THINKS I'M STUPID ENOUGH TO THINK THAT'S WHERE THE MONEY'S AT! yeah! hotdog! living on a certain BELOW living wage and on benefits, while basically having an allowance of how much i CAN and can't spend money like a fucking kid getting paid for doing chores by their mom and dads! MY DREAM COME TRUE! I BUSTED MY ASS IN SCHOOL AND GOT A'S, WHILE ALSO PARTICIPATING IN SPORTS, THEN WENT ONTO A FEW DIFFERENT COLLEGES JUST TO DEPEND ON SOCIAL SECURITY! THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE! *rolls eyes* shut up. the reason why i say amanda lacks EMPATHY because i KNOW she wouldn't want the same thing for herself or even her kids if the shoe was on the other foot. ha.. what am i thinking? empathy requires intelligence.. something she can't even vote for- so this figures. my grandma got me excited for nothing. my grandma was so NAIVE.. just like amanda.. must run in the family. the job coach who will be attending my interview with me tomorrow called me about an hour ago and she asked me how i found the job, i told her that i found it on indeed and some lady called me about scheduling an interview yesterday and i scheduled it for thursday because i was busy on friday and today. the job coach said to me surprised, "WOW! WHERE DID YOU SAY YOU FOUND THIS JOB?!" then i said, "indeed." then she said, "i'm surprised because all my other clients just wait for ME to find the jobs and get them interviews but you actually did that all yourself!" so i guess "naive" wouldn't be a good descriptive word for ME.. well- not judging by my persistence and actual desire to get my ass up and work. another reason why i don't think i'm living in the correct environment (this particular state) to really thrive and make myself TRULY CONSTRUCTIVE. i got asshole relatives underestimating me here for their own fuckin convenience- guess what dicks? BEING UNEMPLOYED KILLS MY MENTAL HEALTH. if you were as damn smart as you try to make yourself out to be amanda- YOU'D RECOGNIZE THAT BY THE TONES OF MY BLOG POSTS. you're lucky that i take my frustration out just blogging.. if i didn't have a blog or anywhere else to write this shit in- i'd probably be in a casket in a grave right now. my previous care coordinator used to say i was "all talk, no action." i was thinking.. she probably said that SAME thing to her son who ended up committing suicide. don't underestimate people with brain injuries.. we mean what we say. IF you REALLY cared- YOU'D REALIZE THIS AND ACTUALLY *SUPPORT* ME THE WAY I WANT. i suppose that doesn't matter to you seeing as you could care LESS about ME.
oh! i see i also have a phone interview with an insurance company tomorrow morning. i'm not sure if they'll want an in-person interview to decide to hire me? because i'm at the "in-person" interview with a hotel tomorrow afternoon. i'm pretty sure that's the last stage to hiring but i'm trying to keep my options open.

i'm on lists!

i got on indeed this morning and i see the hotel i was interviewing with at 8 am on friday switched my interview to 2 on thursday which accomodates me a lot better. i was prepared to get up at like 6 am on friday morning but i really didn't want to.
i received a letter from the boston housing authority today confirming that i was added to one or more waiting lists for housing. i'm pretty sure i picked at least 4 or 5 waiting lists to be added to when i was applying for this housing authority. i had thought that maybe i should register for medical assistance/insurance to be prepared, so i'm not forced to go without health care but the ics worker told me that he couldn't help me with that until i know a residence i'll be living at. i suppose i'll be forced to pay outta pocket for medical assistance in boston until my insurance kicks in but that's pretty much anywhere you move. i'm pretty healthy but i seem to have shitty luck and shit seems to go wrong for me at the worst times. those are the sacrifices and gambles a person has to make to progress in life though.

struggling to find something that will *ACTUALLY* HELP me.

i was just thinking while doing my standing exercises this evening about when i went to a physical therapy appointment in gillette and they put some scanner thing over my body and it somehow helped my balance. i think my balance was worse then but i'm not sure if it'd help me now.. i'm willing to try anything (but mindlessly attend some overrated pathetic excuse of a "rehabilitation center" more time and money for my services NOT to help me progress in my condition, only waste my time). another major reason why i'm moving is because NO ONE that supposedly "cares" about me is willing to take my opinion of the dump into consideration like i'm actually telling the truth because they could care less about my life and what's REALLY best for me if it doesn't benefit them in some way (except JOE of course.. who is more than likely from the more intelligent side of the family..). amanda gets benefits from me attending that shithole because her in-law is a physical therapist there and she'd appear "caring" and "supportive" for getting her another mindless, vulnerable client to RE-attend the sorry excuse of an "institute"! ever consider ACTUALLY COMMUNICATING with your family member who you're supposedly SUPPOSED to actually assist them in becoming successful and productive?! *GASP* i remember talking to my psychologist a while ago about this and she said the problem with my family is that they don't communicate- i try to talk to them and it doesn't matter (she acknowledged that i actually make an effort to communicate with them and i DON'T mean talking to my mom about her damn dogs). another reason why i don't see a reason to remain in a state where communicating with people who SUPPOSEDLY "care" about you is like pulling teeth. i don't see any reason to try to make shit work between us when it would require me to sink down to their level because MISERY LOVES COMPANY! do the work to make yourself decent fucking people or kiss my ass and leave me alone. i'm not dealing with this shit anymore. i'm just gonna continue trying to get a decent job to take my mind off my bullshit life.

mind on the prize.

i applied to a hotel in minneapolis yesterday and they requested an interview tomorrow, i'm volunteering at sabathani tomorrow at the time they requested, so i requested an interview on friday and the only available times for an interview was at 8, so i took that time. i'll probably have to get up at at least 6 that day to be guaranteed to be on time for the interview because it takes 20 minutes to get there from here. they haven't accepted the request yet but i just requested it about 15 minutes ago. i hope that a hotel will actually give me an opportunity to get my feet wet in the hospitality category of jobs. i've worked customer service jobs in the past and took information technology classes, along with worked with databases and computers at my last job at accord and pc's for people. so i'm pretty sure my experience adds up to a hospitality job along with my attitude to have the desire to work and help others. HOPEFULLY this will land me a job with a hotel soon.