this state is NOTHING but a *HOLE* for me.

well my therapist just left my place, then i was sitting on my couch, thinking about what to do and LUCKILY i was looking at indeed at i seen that some guy who i scheduled a google meeting for a job interview for a receptionist job at his business was messaging me asking me if i was in the google meeting yet. so i went to the google meeting and did the interview with the man. he asked me a question, i'm not really sure it was polite to ask.. "do you have any medical problems? you sound like something is wrong with you." i'm pretty sure i squinted my eyes with a "WHAT THE FUCK" look on my face after he said that for a second. then i swallowed my temper and said, "well, i have a brain injury." i'm pretty sure he's gonna discriminate against me for telling him what my medical issue was. so i'm not sure if i should tell the lady from the ymca about him possibly discriminating against me because of my brain injury.. i'll probably tell her and i'm trying to think if there's anyone else that i can tell about this that would help me. i don't really have a desire to work at some place who discriminates against me for something that really isn't in my control and doesn't identify my persistence and motivation to work, just by looking at my job experience. he also asked me why there was a big gap in my work experience and i told him it was because i moved so much. he asked me why i moved so much (of course) and i said, "well.. i was living in burnsville at an apartment and i got told i had to leave, so i moved to another apartment in st. paul but i only signed a lease there.. now finally, i'm here.. i've been looking for jobs ever since." so needless to say (if you have ANY intelligence), location was a big barrier for me finding jobs which would actually consider hiring me because when i was living in burnsville- i had a job coach but no jobs would actually consider hiring me because i lived so far away from the jobs and that wasn't reliable. the fact that those anuses also took my driving privileges away doesn't help transportation to jobs either. i didn't start getting interviews until i moved to st. paul. so me being kept in burnsville made my resume look bad since nobody wants to hire a worker who takes forever to get to work did NOT help me in life. i'm not being a fucking idiot depending on just social security for people who REALLY don't give a fuck about me- they just like keeping the image they're "caring family members". so the only reason i lived there was for the convenience of people who just care about me whenever it's CONVENIENT and/or BENEFICIAL for them which really aggravates a person after a while. they can't even answer the fucking phone when i'd go to the emergency room (whenever i called my mom- she'd always start bawling, acting like the world was ending- i'm OBVIOUSLY ok if i can fuckin call you.. she just wanted attention AS USUAL- so i stopped calling her and i foolisly had confidence in amanda caring- but IT WASN'T CONVENIENT FOR HER TO ANSWER THE PHONE! so i called the only family member of mine who actually cares- joe and he actually answered the phone and video chatted with me when i ended up having to have surgery because of my narcissistic, selfish mother). let me tell you- i don't give a fuck about my "friends" who refuse to talk to me but have to have their noses in my business- so they check my blog so they have something to talk about because THEY'RE PERFECT. NOT EVERYONE HAS FAMILIES THAT ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THEM! yes- that IS the amount of "care" i receive from people in this state. however- nobody seems to give a fuck about me to help me get to a place where people ACTUALLY care about me when there's not something in it for them and/or when it's not convenient for them. the longer i'm in this fuckin hole of a state- THE LESS LIKELY I'LL ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO FIND PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT ME (acting clingy and stalking me so it appears you care- is NOT "care" either, fat amy and mother from hell). i was talking to my therapist about how some people ONLY look at the negative side of things. i said, "because it gives them somethin to talk about. that's exactly why i don't call and i avoid speaking to my mom. i realized she ALWAYS has something to complain about and i'm trying to get rid of negativity in my life.". maybe you asses will figure that out and find something to concern yourself with that ACTUALLY HELPS YOU. stalking someone trying to get theirselves out of the hell you put them in does NOT "help" you. if anything- the only thing it does is help piss me off and remove my desire to EVER speak to any of you again. that includes my mom and her flying monkeys (my sister and cousin jessiy). mind your business and go read a book or something.. unless that's your motive! and you dicks have succeeded.

CAN'T PEOPLE DO THEIR DAMN JOBS?!

are ALL people who are paid to help people in times of need this fucking incompetent and useless? i just got off the phone with some guy who said he was in charge of maintanence for pres (the apartment management for this apartment) this weekend and he said, "you know how the toilet is full of water? don't flush it anymore and just use a plunger.." then i raised my voice when speaking in the phone and said, "I JUST TOLD YOU. THE PLUNGER ISN'T THAT GOOD. MY PCA JUST TRIED TO USE IT AND IT'S NOT WORKING." then he said, "well tell your caretaker to go to the store and buy a new one." then i said in an irritated voice, "OKAY. I'LL TELL MY PCA TO GO TO THE STORE AND BUY A NEW PLUNGER BECAUSE THE MAINTANENCE IS TOO DAMN INCOMPETENT TO DO THEIR DAMN JOBS!" then i hung up and told fredrick what the guy said and then fredrick said, "i'm off work. i told you to just go to the bathroom without flushing it.." then i said, "IT'LL OVERFLOW BECAUSE I PISS TOO MUCH! I FELT THE WATER TOUCHING MY VAGINA!" then he just used a cup to physically scoop the water out of my toilet and threw it in the shower. man.. i don't even know if the maintanence guy is gonna come still after i yelled at him and hung the phone up. i'll just have to go to the bathroom until it overflows and let it overflow on me- hopefully i don't get a yeast or bladder infection from this shit touching my vagina all the time after i let it just overflow.. and hopefully i don't have to take a shit before it gets fixed. i told the ics that it was overflowing and the woman said, "just let it overflow. we'll deal with it when it happens." disgusting.. alright. i don't have any other solutions presented to me.

the purpose..

i'm pretty sure God is probably delaying or taking away the possibility of having children because i don't need a child to soften my heart- i already have enough empathy and understanding to be a complete person that i don't need to have children in my life to make me a better person. he is probably putting children in the people who actually need to understand more about humanity and actually MATURE. God may also realize my LACK of support and help i get in my life and doesn't wanna add to it and put any more difficulty in my life.

haven't i had ENOUGH taken from me?

i was scrolling facebook the other day (i think it was?) and there was a post from a disabled woman complaining about how she was having trouble getting married because something with her income and it was required to file joint with her husband and he had to make so much. so that's probably just another thing that will be taken away from me! oh well- i hadn't planned on having kids anyway. i can't remember a time in my life where i genuinely had the desire to have children. who knows though? i'll probably end up having a bunch after i'm posting on my blog how i don't wanna have any.. so i'll shut up about that now. i'm just a little irritated that i'm not even the real cause of my tbi but i'm the one who has to deal with the consequences. the cause of my traumatic brain injury is able to get married and have kids all he wants though! MUST BE BECAUSE I'M THE SPAWN OF SATAN! (who happens to wear a cross on her neck.. probably just to fool people into thinking she's a good person)
i really don't know if the last place i interviewed with has filled the position by now and the woman who wrote down her information for me on a card for the living program was just trying to be nice?.. i hope not because i really want to work more than i am now. i might have to tell scott i'd like more hours.. he seems like a nice guy, so he'll probably try his best to help me.

why is it doing this?

i searched "when your heart flutters what does that mean?" on google yesterday and it said: Common Everyday Triggers- Stress and anxiety: High emotions trigger a fight-or-flight response that speeds up your heartbeat. Stimulants: Consuming caffeine (like coffee or energy drinks), nicotine, or certain cold medicines with pseudoephedrine can stimulate your heart. Dehydration: Low fluid levels in your body force your heart to work harder to pump blood. Lifestyle factors: Intense physical exercise, lack of sleep, or heavy alcohol use can make you more aware of your heartbeat. Hormones and health: Changes during pregnancy, menstruation, menopause, fever, or an overactive thyroid can also cause flutters.
well, considering i only have 1 or 2 cans of pop a day at the most- i highly doubt it's that because i used to drink more pop and my heart never fluttered. nicotine.. i don't smoke, the first puff of a cigarette would probably kill me and besides that- THEY STINK. i don't remember the last time i had a cold to take cold medicine.. so that possibility is out. i'm not as active as i used to be and so i'm also doubting the "intense physical excercise" suggestion, could be lack of sleep and i don't drink alcohol enough for it to be considered "heavy". i'm really thinking it's dehydration related even though ALL i drink now is water, along with one or two cans of mt. dew. i know my mom has (maybe HAD but i doubt it) migraines which are caused by dehydration. that's why they pump her with shots of water and botox when she goes to the emergency room. i've had botox but i'm pretty sure i first started getting pumped with shots of botox at least 10 years before she did and i had it in everything from opening my hands up (because they used to be closed from muscle tone after i was in a car accident and i had to have my hands/fingers casted open) to my neck, arms, and legs. however- i'm thinking that my heart also never used to flutter because of the ARP therapy i used to get because i remember how they used to encourage me to drink water so it would be more effective and i'm thinking the fluid that tram used to use in his arp box thing used to have something that hydrated me? i'm no expert but i'm really thinking that it's fluttering now because the difference in how i used to be more hydrated and my body thinks it should have the same level of hydration as back then- i'm aware i'm far from a doctor.. so i really don't know but that's about the only reason for it i can come up with (other than the only relative i'm aware of having issues with their heart was my grandpa- but he also used to smoke.. which like i said- i don't smoke because it'd probably kill me the first puff.. i wonder if my dad's side of the family had cardiac issues?). even when i'm just laying in bed, my heart will flutter every now and then- i actually got a quick stabbing pain a few days ago in my heart. i'm also guaranteeing that's probably a reason why my psychologist told me not to think about my mom because i noticed my heart starting to flutter when i was thinking about her once. SO THANKS MOM! YOU CAUSE YOUR OWN DAUGHTER TO HAVE HEALTH PROBLEMS! i'm sure she doesn't care. if anything- she feels proud that she actually has an affect on someone. she doesn't give a damn if she causes her own daughter to have anxiety.. SHE'S JUST HAPPY THAT SHE COULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN SOMEONE'S LIFE! also because it's not her favorite daughter.. so who gives a damn! i'm convinced that she doesn't like my brother and i as much as she favors her youngest daughter. could have something to do with how my brother and i have different fathers than my sister and our father traumatized her more, so she figures she has to take it out on us? both men used to beat on her. oh well. she can't give me anything i couldn't get from anyone/anywhere else. after a while without support from your own mother, you learn to find it other places!.. besides, if she just all of a sudden started offering me "support" now- it wouldn't be genuine so it wouldn't matter- AND BESIDES THAT: she doesn't know how to give the support i need! too little, too late.
heh, fredrick just made the observation that he thinks i could be a good secretary because i type fast and how much i've typed just in this blog entry. he also said, "AND YOU'RE A GOOD SPELLER!.. THERE'S NO GRAMATICAL ERRORS! WOW! LOOK AT THAT!" glad someone noticed my talents.. i'm not sure if it'll actually pay off though. shit doesn't tend to work for me. i managed to schedule more interviews for this week coming up- even if they're just virtual, it gets me closer to being hired. i've also noticed the more i talk about getting a job/interviews, the less my mom and sister seem to be interested in my blog. because they can't relate and it's of NO INTEREST to them? they only enjoy seeing me fail and shit not work out for me because misery loves company? thanks assholes, you've just motivated me to get more job interviews!

sleep stats..

i didn't know i slept so little.. just looking at these sleep stats from my happysleep ring. i slept 6 hours and 20 minutes last night. the sleep quality was 77% and breathing quality 96%. i thought my breathing quality was worse than that- but i guess not. i honestly thought i get at least 7 hours of sleep a night but not according to these stats. ics is gonna help me check with happysleep on what to do from here on monday. does fatsy wanna copy my sleeping problems too? she's gotta if she wants to be like me. point is- i go through A LOT of shit just to even exist. i don't just depend on fuckin hand-outs and do nothing all day. i would honestly kill myself if my life was that boring and unconstructive. but maybe that's the point of keeping me from doing things and not being more supportive of me to actually be useful and productive. so i have more time to think about all the things i can't physically do anymore and how much of a useless person i am. THANKS AMANDA FOR HELPING ME!! if i would be forced to go back to courage kenny- i'd get myself kicked outta the facility- i can guarantee you that i'd snap because of the therapists there trying to tell me i can't do certain things because of LIABILITY. it's like people don't care enough about me to help me get to where I want, so i can be constructive and truly useful- NOT JUST PEDDLING MY FUCKIN FEET AND PUSHING AND PULLING BARS AT THE SAME TIME (WHILE SITTING, OF COURSE) AND CALLING IT "PROGRESSING". PROGRESSING AT WHAT?! TURNING INTO A USELESS ROCK?! screw you guys who think i should be grateful for the minimum- when i KNOW i'm capable of MORE. i was thinking.. i wonder if courage kenny is pulling this "liability" bullshit outta their asses and refusing to help ACTUALLY help me physically so i'm ABLE to do things the normal healthy person does- like walk because they found out about details from the car accident i was in? that's fine. i'd rather not go to some place that just assists people who have advocacy that can stroke their dicks. everyone else with a lack of caring, knowledgable advocacy is fucked then- they're just shoved on machines that my living room wall could operate. if amanda and/or anyone else thinks i'm just making this shit up- ask them the last time they PERSONALLY attended courage kenny with me when i used to waste my time there. "YOU GOT THIS!" okay then.. let me do what the fuck I want and support and encourage me, otherwise mind your damn business and stop telling people you're actually trying to help me because YOU DIDN'T HELP ME THE LAST TIME I CALLED YOU IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM (i think it was because i stopped breathing while sleeping and my heart was fluttering). or there was the time when i was still wasting my time at the burnsville dump and i fell outta my wheelchair on the icy parking lot and almost busted my head open- i just had to have stitches above my eye and i had a huge bump on my head. YOU WANNA BE LIKE YOUR BIG SIS SO BAD NOW, FATSY?! i've been through shit that i didn't have the option of taking the easy way out with an abortion. OH! MAYBE BECAUSE I KEPT MY LEGS SHUT AND I'VE BEEN ON THE PILL (OR THE DEPO SHOT A LONG TIME AGO) SINCE I CAN REMEMBER.
i'm on the second to last step for the massachusetts housing company i've applied to (and had to reject a previous housing offer because amy claimed it was so short notice and i had just applied to the housing company (i looked on the account itself after she said that shit and i think it said i had been a member of the housing company for around 7 years?)). i don't enjoy being gaslighted- i don't care how mentally disabled you THINK i am. you work for me. you're supposed to be supportive of my goals for myself, so things work out smoothly in my life without problems (which would probably cost me monetarily in the end). i know what's BEST for MY own life- my grandma told me straight out that i have my head on my shoulders, that's why she didn't have someone be my guardian. if you actually knew how to do your job, you'd know that though, because I am the client.. NOT AMANDA, not any of my other family members. amanda can't even answer the phone for me when i'm in the emergency room- SHE CAN'T EVEN FOLLOW UP ON THE CALL! YOU GOT THIS! i knew who to call that would actually lend care and support- my cousin joe. I know what's best for MY life. i can honestly see why brian used to ask me if i wanted to hire an advocate (before joe came along). my grandma's overconfident, naive ass had all this confidence in amanda to "GET YOU {ME} TO NEW YORK!" *yawn* she didn't consider that amanda is too busy with her own life to be bothered with her vulnerable adult cousin's. she doesn't understand the amount of support a person with a traumatic brain injury who has already lived INDEPENDENTLY in two apartments before this one (with minimum support in an assisted living program). DISABLED PEOPLE ARE NOT ALL THE SAME! *gasp* some require more assistance than the others. you don't see me or anyone else assuming all stylists are the same. i don't just go assuming they ALL know how to do the SAME things. check yourself.

"imitation is the sincerest form of flattery".. except when they're attempting to drag you down to their level and cling to you.

i viewed my stats for my blog this morning, there's always someone that finds the desire to read my blog at about 8 am.. i was trying to determine who that might be- i'm pretty sure it's my sister. she finds the need to stalk me and has told the flying monkey about this blog too i'm sure. i don't know exactly why she reads my blog so much but i think she may be looking for short-cuts in life to get her further.. she assumes it HAD to be easy to get where i am because like everyone and their mom- they underestimate me and think any idiot can do what i do while completely IGNORING the shit i've been through to get where i am today. like she figures just because i can get where i am today- SHE MUST BE ABLE TO ALSO BECAUSE OF DNA OR SOME BULLSHIT. let me remind her.. dna comes from TWO PARENTS and we have the same part of dna which is "disabled" or so she tries to portray anyway. she cannot do what i've done to get as far as i am JUST because of dna (if that theory worked- only my brother could get to where i am.. which he HAS and further with his job in welding). she can attempt to step on me because dna similarities but i hate to tell her that I AM NOT GRANDMA. it doesn't matter how similar of a personality i have to grandma's- i'm not gonna waste my time allowing your fat ass to step on me to get further in life like you did when you PUSHED grandma on her ass at my apartment (later on laughing about it with your monkey ass boyfriend) after she attempted to help you get your GED (but your stupid ass sold the books for drug money with your deadbeat monkey boyfriend). she was forgiving because she ACTUALLY had a heart- guess what? I DON'T. I REALIZE I HAVE WAY TOO MUCH TO LOSE JUST FOR SOME FAT ASS WHO HAS BEEN OBSESSED WITH BEING LIKE HER BIG SISSY SINCE WE WERE YOUNGER (I HUMORED IT BACK THEN BECAUSE WE WERE YOUNG BUT NOW THAT YOU ATTEMPT TO DRAG ME DOWN TO YOUR LEVEL AND CLING TO ME LIKE MOM DOES- YOU REALLY NEED TO GET YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT AND FOCUS ON YOUR GED.. NOT ATTEMPTING TO SEE IF YOU CAN FIND SHORTCUTS BECAUSE IN SCHOOL- I WAS IN THE HONOR ROLL EVERY SEMESTER AND IN SPORTS EVERY SEASON BEFORE I WAS TOO DISABLED TO PARTICIPATE IN THEM BECAUSE I WAS IN A CAR ACCIDENT.. HOWEVER- I STILL MANAGED TO GRADUATE WITH HONORS- YOU GOT WORK TO DO IF YOU WANNA COPY ME SO DAMN BAD). i was thinking while i was doing my hair this morning about how i probably would've been more screwed in the car accident i was in if i hadn't participated in sports before the accident. although- i think my apnea may have caused me to have a bad heart because even when i was lying in bed this morning, my heart was beating irregularly. DO YOU WANT THAT FOR YOURSELF, TUBS?! BE LIKE YOUR BIG SISSY! you can't just copy the easy shit in my life and expect to be like me. i'm sure that's why you read my blog every day, so you can attempt to imitate me. you have to be in sports and get A's and some B's in all your subjects. THERE'S NO SHORTCUTS, TUBS. i'm gonna go do my spanish homework now. grandma had said to me on the phone one night and made the observation how i had a good heart and i was a good person but she didn't know about my sister- she was probably influenced by her boyfriend otherwise she could go further in life. she can blame my sister's stupidity on my sister's boyfriend ALL she wants but amy has her own damn brain. she can decide what she does and doesn't wanna do. grandma could try to excuse your stupidity ALL SHE WANTS- but i KNOW better. so you and beavis need to brainstorm how you're gonna get your diploma and participate in sports, then take college courses and work a few jobs.. THEN YOU MIGHT BE JUST LIKE YOUR BIG SISSY! *CLAPS*

interview verdict

i just got back from the most recent interview i've had, i'd say it went good.. probably one of my best interviews (although, she never told me she actually hired me). she asked me some questions and i'm pretty sure that i DID mention that i stayed in an assisted living program when she asked me what made me want to apply to the place. i'm sure i can empathize with residents about certain issues they may have and probably understand better what to do. the woman understood what i said about how i felt like i could understand some of the issues and/or problems residents had and i could help them with them better. when she told me when she'd get back to me, i dug in my bag and i couldn't find any blank pieces of paper right away, so i asked if she could write down when i could expect to hear back from her, she didn't seem bothered at all by my request and said, "yeah!" then she wrote down on a little pamplet for the program so i'd know who was getting back to me and she wrote down when. i honestly don't remember making any mistakes unless you consider being honest about the first question she asked me about what attracted me to apply to the place. i don't think so because she didn't seem at all bothered by it. all i can do is wait now. she'll probably find more qualified people to work the position knowing my luck though.

I NEED TO WORK FOR MY MENTAL WELL BEING.. *EXACTLY* WHY MY FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE) DOESN'T SUPPORT IT!

i went to sabathani to volunteer again, on the way back home from there, i got an email from someone asking me if i could schedule an interview at their facility tomorrow between like 11-4. i remember applying for this job like last week and it feels like i might've interviewed here before. i'm not 100% sure but i'm debating on whether i should reveal my living situation so i can relate to the facility and show familiarity with the setting/environment.. but then i'm not sure if they would assume i'm less capable of working the job? so i might just play it by ear and if the person interviewing me seems like an understanding and not ignorant person.. i'll probably tell them. i don't think my family (except for joe) understands WHY i wanna get a job over wasting my capability and potential just to be a rehabilitation tool JUST so i can make my family appear proactive and supportive of me (WHICH THEY DEFINITELY ARE NOT.. they can't even answer the fuckin phone when the emergency room calls them- YES, I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE- other than my mom putting on an act and ACTING overly upset and showing fake concern for ATTENTION). i need to get outta the house and be CONSTRUCTIVE, so i can actually feel USEFUL and i won't have time to think about how much most of my family fuckin sucks for not being more supportive and open-minded and because they're all (except joe and jay) a bunch of fake, entitled, close-minded asses. they don't even TRY to help their VULNERABLE ADULT relative who has worked her ass off to get where she could be truly happy because it'd take too much work and care. AMANDA AND MY MOM DON'T CARE ABOUT ME ENOUGH TO HAVE THE DESIRE TO SEE ME TRULY HAPPY AND SATISFIED WITH MY LIFE BECAUSE IT DOESN'T BENEFIT THEIR SELFISH ASSES.