looking for an opportunity to *ACTUALLY* be constructive *MORE* than just once a week.

well.. i got a busy remaining week. two interviews each day.. zoom interview and personal interviews except for friday because i have spanish and one zoom interview. i hope the salvation army actually gives me a chance this time (i've interviewed with them a few times before but that was when i lived in burnsville- so they more than likely thought that i didn't have as much experience as i do now- since nobody would really hire me for most of the time i lived there). that's one of the biggest reasons why i prefer living here compared to burnsville- i wasn't constructive in burnsville and it was really bad for my mental health because an idle mind IS the devil's playground when it comes to my mind in particular. i just hope people continue to see me ACTUALLY persisting and help me continue to persist when it comes to working actual jobs in general- seeing as amanda and my mom don't encourage me worth a damn to be constructive because me looking like an unemployed vulnerable mindless adult just benefits them so they actually feel necessary and useful when they're not even fucking doing anything personally but being a huge clingy, negative, goaless weight on me- NEWSFLASH: I am NOT gonna make you look more "caring" and "loving" in life. if you haven't figured that out by now.. YOU'RE STUPIDER THAN I THOUGHT. i know my grandma would be disappointed with amanda for being so damn selfish and not having the time or motivation to really HELP me get further in life because she didn't find any benefit in it for herself. maybe i'll actually get a damn job because i've had at least one interview a week for the last couple of months i think. someone has to eventually give me a chance. it's not like i'm a damn criminal or a person completely lacking experience anymore now that i finally managed to find an apartment outside of the subsidized shithole i used to be at with the obsessed caretaker who just cleaned when he found an opportunity to stalk me. he was COINCIDENTALLY fired when i was told to live elsewhere. isn't that a COINCIDENCE? i don't know or care where that freak is now. i honestly haven't thought about him since just now. i'm not sure if they assume i'm a liability for having a cane- that's the only reason i can think of for employers not hiring me since i DO have experience now.
..and i also forgot probably one of the BIGGEST things i should be "grateful" for- I FORGOT THAT I LAID IN A DAMN COMA FOR 6 MONTHS AND THE DICKS IN BUFFALO HOSPITAL TOLD MY MOM AND GRANDMA TO DISCONNECT THE LIFE SUPPORT BECAUSE IF I EVER CAME OUTTA IT- I'D BE A VEGETABLE ALL MY LIFE! so either vegetables can talk and function like a normal person or the docs in buffalo don't know a DAMN THING. when you're in a coma.. YOU'RE BASICALLY DEAD. YOU CAN'T WALK OR TALK OR EVEN MOVE. KEPT ALIVE BY MACHINES- WHICH THE GENIUSES IN BUFFALO NY WANTED TO DISCONNECT ALL THE TIME ACCORDING TO MY GRANDMA. AN EXAMPLE OF THE LACK OF INTELLIGENCE IN BUFFALO.

OH?! THERE'S MORE!

i forgot to mention the MANY surgeries due to the car accident that i was in which i had to have on my palate (in my throat) and at least 4 or 5 years of SPEECH THERAPY i had to have in order for people to understand me. I USED TO HAVE TO COMMUNICATE WITH PEOPLE WITH A LETTER BOARD TAPED ON MY WHEELCHAIR TRAY. i also forgot the SEIZURES i've had because of my traumatic brain injury. i think i've only had 3 or 4 in my life but trust me- you NEVER want to have a seizure in your life. THANKS TIM AND DEBBIE! i would've MUCH rather paid a damn settlement over go through the shit i've had to in life- AND I'M NOT DONE GOING THROUGH THE SHIT EITHER! *claps excitedly* i'm so excited to think of all the shit i have to be kept from doing because i'm too damn disabled to because of a TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY i got from the car accident i was in because someone figured it was cool to drink and drive. i haven't been able to get married OR have children yet BECAUSE I WAS TOO FUCKIN BUSY TRYING TO LIVE MY DAMN LIFE. LITERALLY. I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?! *ROLLS EYES* GET BENT. i don't expect any of you to read this because people tend to ignore everything bad they've done to another person outta guilt and ignorance ESPECIALLY when accusing someone of being "ungrateful" when they were the CAUSE of the problem. WHY THE FUCK AIN'T I MORE GRATEFUL FOR THE SHIT I'VE BEEN FORCED TO GO THROUGH WHEN I WASN'T EVEN THE DIRECT CAUSE OF IT?! for the millionth time- i hadn't even been drinking A DROP of alcohol the day of the accident which is evident because i got so fucked up in the accident because i didn't have alcohol to PARALYZE MY IMMUNE SYSTEM. OH YEAH! I FORGOT THE MANY (PROBABLY CLOSE TO HUNDREDS) OF BOTOX INJECTIONS AND SURGERIES I HAD TO HAVE IN ORDER TO GET MY BODY (BOTOX TO OPEN MY HANDS BECAUSE THEY WERE CLOSED AFTER THE ACCIDENT, MANY INJECTIONS TO MY NECK SO I COULD HOLD MY HEAD UP, IN MY ARMS AND LEGS SO I WOULDN'T HAVE MUSCLE TONE) PARTS FUNCTIONING BETTER! ..but YEAH.. let's bitch about how someone who had to go through ALL that shit is "UNGRATEFUL". SHUT THE FLYING FUCK UP. like NONE of the shit i was forced to go through EVEN MATTERS because you had to pay money. IF YOU'D LIKE TO TRADE SPOTS WITH ME (TURNING TIME BACK)- I'D BE UP FOR IT!.. moron.

possible reason..

i just spoke with my psychologist and i told her how i just wrote a blog entry wondering WHY exactly the mother of a man who NEARLY killed me could say i was "ungrateful". i said to her, "she doesn't know me. she doesn't know what went on in my life to make me "ungrateful". the most she can probably see are the pictures i posted on facebook of me and my family doing things through the years." then my psychologist asked me, "did you know her before the accident?" then i said, "no. she really doesn't have the right to say i'm "ungrateful" when her son ALMOST killed me." then my psychologist came up with an idea that i can't believe i honestly didn't think of myself, "maybe she's saying it because of the settlement?" i'm pretty sure that's the reason why because his nosey ass sister had brought up the settlement before in one of her stupid facebook messages to me a long time ago. YEE-FUCKIN-HAW! i had AT LEAST 10 fuckin years taken from my life and had to RE-LEARN ALL THE FUNCTIONS A NORMAL PERSON CAN DO (WALK, RUN, SHOWER, EAT, TRANSFER MYSELF TO DIFFERENT AREAS, USE THE BATHROOM LIKE AN ADULT- MEANING I DID HAVE TO WEAR DEPENDS AT ONE TIME LIKE A FUCKIN BABY AND BE CHANGED LIKE A DAMN BABY, EVER-Y-THING) JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE DECIDED TO DRINK AND DRIVE. i had to have a BACLOFEN PUMP INSERTED IN MY SPINE just so i could walk (which i got removed before my grandma died), i also had to be tube-fed for a while when i was relearning how to eat so my body could handle it, i also had to have enemas) you ignorant asses are NOT making yourselves look any better. i also had my driver's license taken away from me and i have a hell of a time getting employed since employers discriminate against disabled people.. you can ignorantly say, "PFFT! THEY CAN'T DISCRIMINATE AGAINST HER! IT'S AGAINST THE LAW!" DOES IT SAY "STUPID" ON MY HEAD?! THERE'S NO WAY YOU CAN PROVE AN EMPLOYER DISCRIMINATED AGAINST YOU FOR BEING DISABLED. i've even considered going to my in-person interviews without my cane. i never used to have a cane before i lived here and i think i still got a few interviews (not as many but i still got some). i'm pretty sure that's the reason why jesse stopped using his reverse-walker to get around. it's sad that disabled people get discriminated against for even trying to work but IT DOES HAPPEN. call me "ungrateful" or wtf you want to make yourself feel better about being a shitty ass parent and to impress your daughter-in-law ALL YOU WANT- but it's NOT gonna change the TRUTH. DON'T EVEN FUCKIN START TO TELL ME I'M UNGRATEFUL AFTER ALL THE SHIT I'VE WENT THROUGH (I'M NOT DONE GOING THROUGH SHIT IN LIFE) BECAUSE OF SOME MAN WHO DECIDED IT'D MAKE HIM LOOK COOL TO DRINK AND DRIVE WHILE PUTTING NOT ONLY HIS LIFE AT RISK BUT TWO OTHER PASSENGERS ALSO- ONE NOT MAKING IT). WHEN YOU SHIT ON ME- YOU'RE BASICALLY SHITTING ON THE OTHER MAN WHO DIED IN THE ACCIDENT TOO. check yourself before you wreck yourself. I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR MY TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY! *rolls eyes* and i thought MY family was naive. they're nothin compared to tim's family!

still workin at attempting to get PAID.

when i woke up today, i looked at my calendar to check if i had any interviews this week. i seen that i have a phone interview on wednesday and then i received an email confirming an in-person interview on thursday at st. anthony. at first, i was afraid that st. anthony would be too far away and i remembered that when i was in school, we played st. anthony in volleyball and basketball- so i started to get nervous it'd be too far away if it was around where my hometown was. i checked google maps in case though and it reassured me that st. anthony is only 15 minutes away from here.. so it's definitely not too far and i need to review the job description but i'm pretty sure i'll be able to do this job. i just forgot to write the interview on my calendar last week when they were scheduling it.
something has been bothering me for a while now- ever since tim's mom called me "ungrateful".. how does she know my situation and how i'm "ungrateful"? other than looking at facebook pictures from my past- she really has NO idea WHO i am. she's not aware of what has happened in my life. she doesn't have any right to call me "ungrateful". it's not like i'd take pictures and post them of the abuse/neglect i experienced thanks to my immature parents. although- i DID post pictures of my last incision when i was in the hospital i think. so i suppose that might count as pictures of part of the abuse/neglect i've experienced. i don't care if she was trying to take the blame off her son for driving drunk and nearly killing me. she was more than likely trying to look wise in front of her daughter-in-law and smart ass daughter. i'm sorry that the opinion of the mother of a man who nearly killed me when he was driving drunk's opinion doesn't mean more to me. we can't all have rich daddies and attend church every sunday. guess that makes me evil even though i was SOBER during the accident, my traumatic brain injury proves it- tim didn't get a traumatic brain injury because the ALCOHOL PARALYZED his IMMUNE SYSTEM while we were in the accident and he walked away from the accident. I LEARNED THAT DURING ONE OF MY MANY VICTIM IMPACT PANELS FOR MOTHERS AGAINST DRUNK DRIVING. GO CONDONE HIS MISTAKES SOMEWHERE ELSE. i told him during a phone conversation that i understand that EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES. i don't need someone trying to blame me for their son's actions which nearly killed me. you and your daughter are insecure about disappointing your daughter-in-law. she's a person like everyone else on this earth. she's not a queen or a healer. she puts one foot in front of the other like everyone else with working legs. her shit stinks too.

causes

i'm sure i've complained about this before but it kinda irritates me that people assume that i can't do anything to help myself, i think that's probably why they assume i have fredrick helping me. i remember when i used to live in burnsville, it didn't feel like people just assumed i needed help doing everything and fredrick helped me there too. i'm not sure if it's because i lived in a handicap-accessible apartment in burnsville- so everyone just naturally assumed i had adapted to my handicap because i had accomodations in the apartment (i had a roll-in shower and the bathroom was bigger than the one i have now, so i couldn't fall off my toilet right into my bath- which HAS happened to me before i think when i first started living here. my health alert was actually working at that time, so it started beeping when it censored i fell in the bath (i hit my head) and called 911 and they called the ambulance who checked on me and brought me to regions to check my head out). shit happens.. you adapt.. you shouldn't be sentenced to being a vulnerable, helpless person ALL your damn life. i'm only 39. not 60. don't make me more helpless than i am just to accomodate your carelessness and/or for your convenience when you can't even answer the fuckin phone when the emergency room calls you. you've made your sense of concern and care obvious. don't try to fuckin make it seem like you actually care when you CLEARLY DON'T. i'm not my mom. i don't play victim for attention. OH YOU DIDN'T KNOW? your ass better call somebody. this is how people get the sense that they belong in nursing homes when they're completely well enough to help theirselves but idiotic, careless relatives feel like it makes them look like they actually fucking care when they have their relatives go to courage kenny or some nursing home because BOTH are the same environments. handicap people or disabled people are fooled into thinking they need more help than they actually do- so they depend on cna's and pca's when they can actually help theirselves but it's more convenient for people to do everything for them- WELL THAT'S WHAT CARELESS RELATIVES WHO DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO THEM THINK BECAUSE OH!! THEY GOT THIS! i'm a human fucking being. i've went through more shit than you could ever think of or HANDLE YOURSELF.. don't act like you care because YOU DON'T. learn empathy. i'm younger than you and more empathetic than you'll ever be. just the fact that i have to explain this to you says ENOUGH. YOU GOT THIS! you're one of the biggest reasons why i'm moving. GREAT JOB! YOU'RE SO NAIVE THAT YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE ANY OF THE DAMAGE YOU AND MY MOM HAVE DONE TO ME. *YOU* GUYS ARE ONE OF THE BIGGEST REASONS WHY I HAVE PTSD. you're so smart though- you should recognize that! proof of that should be that i wasn't diagnosed with PTSD until AFTER at least 15 years AFTER the accident itself. they DID check for it NUMEROUS times when i first started going to gillette too. i remember having MANY evaluations when i first started going to gillette. then i had MORE problems with my bowel and i started having dreams which flashbacked of my mom holding me in front of my dad while he KICKED her and i also remember my grandma silently mentioning when i went in to children's hospital for my perforrated bowel that i had *ACCIDENTALLY* got kicked by my dad while my mom was turning to get away from him while i was in her arms.. my reminscing dreams remember a little differently- my grandma was trying to cover for my mom because i'm sure she knew what really happened. i can't even get away from this shit thanks to amanda's careless, selfish ass. YOU GOT THIS! A VULNERABLE ADULT WITH A TBI! do you realize how STUPID that sounds?! of course not, you lack empathy. that was probably one of the biggest reasons why i never really lived at my mom's house. i was always living at my grandparents' house. it felt more comforting.

feliz cumpleanos?

i forgot to mention that i brought up to amy that i wanted to take a trip to mexico for my 40th birthday- since it's in july and i'm sure she'd need time to make the arrangements before going there. at first she tried to gaslight me into believing i just took a trip to boston this year and i corrected her and said that i looked at facebook and the pictures were taken in 2025.. so that's LAST year and i used to take trips every year when brian was my trustee. then amy said, "okay. i'll check with brit about a trip there." so zen briefly looked at his cell phone for sights in mexico because i told amy i wanted to go to chichuachua, since i remember that city being on my mexican birth certificate about where i was born. during our boston trip, brit told me that i should look at actually taking trips to places sometimes where it's not just for looking for housing.. this would qualify as one of them trips. even though i'm sure grump's ass will attempt to deport me but i DO have joint citizenship, along with a damn passport, and valid american citizenship. it'd just give me more of a reason to live further away from my mom if i did get deported- that'd be one of the pro's along with universal health care. although i'm not really fluent in spanish yet- so i'd probably be lost for a while but i remember jose telling me that i'd understand it better if i were surrounded by spanish speakers.. obviously.. i'd prefer to live somewhere by CHOICE though- not because i'm forced there by citizenship. i always try to see the good in situations to make it more bearable though. got me through the shitholes i've been previously forced to live at (not ALL the apartments were bad.. but i had to deal with roaches and mice during my very first apartment). this current apartment isn't that bad and the previous apartment on marshall ave. wasn't that bad but i had to sign a lease for that apartment- so i HAD to live elsewhere after that one. i remember someone bringing up to me how i'd need to find a travel pca with a passport and i'm positive that brit has a passport because i remember asking her if she'd go to canada with me and if we needed a passport to go there and she said that she had a passport and she thought they'd require a passport there. so i seriously doubt that should be a problem. fredrick and i didn't get myself a passport for nothing. it's time i put it to use even though i'm pretty sure i'd be okay with my dual citizenship because mexican police shouldn't be anal over someone who looks like them going in and out of their country. probably one of the only times where my skin color will actually benefit me (along with the fact that i don't burn as easily as the regular caucasion person). i also haven't been back to mexico since i was actually born- so it'll be a moderately new experience for me.

bump on the head!

the left part of my forehead hurts like a bitch right now from when i lost my balance last night while getting my ice packs (that i sleep with every night) outta my freezer and i smacked my head on the floor in my kitchen. my piece of shit health alarm didn't even fuckin go off and start beeping because i fell. so either i need a new battery in the machine or a completely new health alert itself OR someone disabled my health alert without notifying me. i had to fuckin crawl to my couch to get myself up and then i stumbled over to my health alert to press the health alert button on the machine itself on the counter in my kitchen(because i suspected there might be something wrong with the necklace itself).. but NOPE! i attempted to press the button on the health alert and NOTHING HAPPENED. so i stumbled to my bedroom, to where my cell phone was charging by my bed and i called the ics and asked them what to do because i fell and hit my head on the floor. the ics worker, zack told me to call 911 and have the ambulance bring me to regions so i could have them check my head out and make sure i didn't damage anything. so i called 911 and the ambulance came within 3-5 minutes. i walked to my door and unlocked the door, letting them in my apartment and i told them my problem. the emt said that i wasn't bleeding and he couldn't really see a bump on my head (even though i felt one forming) and so they just left and told me to call 911 if i started seeing spots again or if i passed out (which i don't really understand how i could call them if i was passed out). the emts here don't seem to be as helpful as the ones in burnsville. so i got my ice packs and laid down, putting one on my head and falling asleep (i wasn't positive i'd even wake up because generally a person isn't supposed to sleep after they hit their head because they might have a concussion and never wake up again- so i took my chances, uncaringly). the joys of having balance problems because of my traumatic brain injury! shit just never ends for me.

still looking.

i had an annual review of my services today- the supervisor of this ics program, a lady from the ymca, and my new case manager had a virtual interview. i was telling the new case manager about me and i told him that i had originally been looking at new york for housing until i realized that the boston/concord area would be easier for me to get housing. my new case manager said, "oh! they have good resources for disabled people in the boston area! good choice!" and i said, "thanks. yeah, it seemed like a really nice place because i took my last trip there." so amanda's hopes to make me live here and do NOTHING with my life, so i'm a junior version of my mom took a turn for the better FOR ME. i said to the people in my meeting today, "amanda has never been disabled in her whole life. she's never even been to courage kenny and somehow she thinks it's a good idea that i should go BACK in my progress and go back to courage kenny. i owe ALL my thanks for me being ambulatory to tram holloway, who my grandma went and found after i kept complaining about not getting stronger. he brought his arp machine to my apartment and i went to his offices. courage kenny was more concerned about LIABILITY because when i showed up at courage kenny once without a walker or trekking poles- my therapist in the fitness center told me not to return if i didn't have my walker or trekking poles helping me walk. so i didn't return." at least a few more people know the TRUTH now. i told the lady from the ymca about the job interviews i had yesterday- i told her that the first interview said they weren't hiring me on indeed and i seen it while i was on the lyft vehicle going to the second interview. the people from the second interview told me they'd tell me their decision on monday about their hiring decision. i don't remember making any mistakes for the second interview, so i'll just have to see. the lady from the ymca asked me if i ever considered having a job coach where they automatically get you a job and transportation to the job.. i forgot to mention that the job coach i have now were thinking about getting me into a program like that- i can't think of the name right now. it'll probably come to me later. i think she said she was gonna call some of those programs or look for some to call with me the next time we meet.

was she naive or just care LESS and completely selfish? thanks for making me question my grandma, amanda!

my grandma was wrong AGAIN. i've been using my CPAP and i remember how she used to always rave about how she wanted me to get a CPAP because it helped her sleep so well and i wouldn't be as tired anymore. i wear the CPAP when i can't fall asleep and i need to wake up for an appointment in the morning (which is frequent), i don't use my CPAP all the time particularly because the stupid thing causes my nose to turn red.. i've told the people at the sleep store about how it makes my nose red and they switched the mask i have on the CPAP, yet it STILL causes my nose to turn red. i wore it last night because i had TWO job interviews today and i wanted as much rest as possible for the interviews.. the fucker didn't help me fall asleep- so after about 30-45 minutes, i threw the mask off and just fell asleep naturally i think within 15 minutes or so. the cpap is just one of the things my grandma lied to me in life so far, she used to always say, "WHEN I DIE- AMANDA WILL GET YOU LIVING IN NEW YORK! she knows the game plan and she has so many plans for you like helping you get your driver's license and a vehicle you can drive!".. if amanda's defense to why she hasn't helped me is because i won't go back to courage kenny- I'VE WENT BACK TO THAT DAMN WASTE OF SPACE THREE OR FOUR TIMES WITH HOPES I GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE BACK AGAIN AND I EVEN TOLD THEM THAT I WANTED TO GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE AGAIN WHEN I FIRST STARTED GOING THERE IN MY "GOALS" BOOK I MADE WHEN I WAS FIRST ATTENDING THAT SHIT, THEY STILL FAILED ME EVERY FUCKING TIME I TOOK THE BEHIND-THE-WHEEL TEST WITH THE COMMENT "NEEDS MORE THERAPY". i'm not fucking wasting my time ANYMORE with hopes of getting my damn driver's license again. i've paid for NUMEROUS BEHIND-THE-WHEEL LESSONS and the bastards STILL failed me. they just revealed your LACK of care and respect for me along with played you with those stupid lies telling you they'd help me get my driver's license again i'm sure (especially since your sister-in-law happens to be a cooliez therapist there!). i also just remembered that i'm probably wasting my time typing this blog entry out because YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME. if you and the rest of my family even gave a trace of care about me- you'd be helping me so that i'm more capable of doing everything i'm REALLY capable of doing and what I TRULY want for myself. NOT what makes YOU appear as if you actually care about me. same with my mom. she's just obsessed with me going back to courage kenny, so i can appear disabled like her and depend on other people to help me- whether i TRULY need it or not. if my family ACTUALLY cared about me- they'd be helping me so that i'm able to do EVERYTHING i'm capable of doing- so my mental health is actually healthy. i learned why my heart fluttered so much when i lived in burnsville and it was to the point where i had to be rushed to the emergency room a couple times. the anxiety was getting to my heart while being forced not to progress in life the way I wanted- so my heart started fluttering because of the anxiety. i just hope that doesn't start to happen here because my lack of progressing with MY life- license wise mostly. when i was in the car accident i was in, i DON'T remember ANY of my family sitting next to me in the car during the accident. I deal with the consequences of MY life- YOU DON'T. i've gotten myself this far and you better believe i'm NEVER returning to where or what i used to do. it doesn't say ANYBODY but MY own name on MY birth certificate. worry about yourself. you're just wasting your time stalking what i do when you could actually be doing something beneficial for your own damn lives. it just shows your complete and utter LACK of care and respect for ME.

verdicts of interviews

i went to BOTH of my interviews. the first interview was in the morning and it went alright- although i ran into the common problem of not having anything to really make me stand out as a candidate (i don't think anyway) and at the end of the interview, when the lady told me that she thought she asked me everything she needed to, unless i had any other questions, i gave the woman a smile and thanked her for the interview but i'm not sure if the smile was too fake or something- i remember my grandma telling me to smile at the person interviewing you (when she was alive and i was going on interviews, she tried to give me this tip), the lady gave me a confused look and smiledc a little.. so i think i may have made her feel uncomfortable hahaha because right before the last interview i had at the motel- indeed notified me that the hotel i had just interviewed with this morning wasn't hiring me. the second interview at a motel went pretty well but i'm not sure if i was dressed too formal for the job (i'm wearing a blouse and some business pants, i also had a blazer on). i seen the girl who worked there was wearing leggings + some shirt- it was pretty casual and laid-back. i remember some other lady who i was interviewing with a while ago, telling me that usually girls that worked there wore leggings and a shirt that usually worked there. i'm not really sure how many pairs of leggings i have- i must have at least one black pair.. other than that, i usually prefer wearing flare/looser fitting pants but i'll wear what i need to for work. i'm not sure i said or did anything wrong for the last interview at the motel and i know i didn't smile stupidly at the lady interviewing me. i'm not sure though. she'll probably find someone more qualified to work the job. i also should've taken it as a sign when the lady from the first interview asked me if i could go to the area she was at (like she insinuated that i may be unable to PHYSICALLY get to that part of the room when i wasn't having difficulty maneuvering or walking at all but she tried to make it seem like she was being cautious when she really had no reason to be other than discriminating against me because i had a cane). i debated on walking without a cane to my interviews today, to see if that made an impact on whether employers wanted to hire me- i forgot to do it during the first interview and by the second one- i was just too used to using my cane that i felt like people would probably be nagging me to use it and if i ended up falling during the second interview, people would blame me for falling and tell me i had to lug around a big walker again.