*PREPARING*!!

fredrick just took me to the store, so i could withdraw money from the atm from my debit card for the strip club on tuesday. i'm pretty sure they HAVE to have an atm at rick's cabaret though but now that i think about it- they probably charge out the ass in addition for using the atm there. so i probably made a wise decision in getting some money on my own before going to rick's. i was trying to decide if me not going to mexico made any difference in me deciding to go to rick's.. i'm not sure if it made much of a difference- i've always had a desire to check it out, it just so happens to be my birthday on tuesday and doug said they give you lap dances for free for your birthday (i'm pretty sure i remember him saying that)- ah well. i'm still gonna get a lap dance- free or not. hopefully i take my concerta that night to keep me awake, so i don't just run on adrenaline to keep me awake and going. i'm not sure how long my adrenaline would keep me going.

IT'S A PLAN!

well.. i checked with doug if he's still bringing me to rick's cabaret and he said, "yeah.. we could go to the casino after too, if you want". i'd go to the casino and all- it's just that i'm not sure i'll have much money remaining after i get back from rick's. we'll see. i figure i go big on my 40th birthday, seeing as i was told i couldn't take a trip to mexico for my birthday like I WANTED. so the strippers at rick's just may see a pay day on tuesday. *shrugs shoulders* whatever. i guess i'm cool with either but i'm just saying if i would've got to go to mexico for MY BIRTHDAY i probably wouldn't have a face full of titties in my face for my birthday and a few lap dances. i asked tyler how much you typically should tip strippers and i THINK he said $50.. i told him i didn't wanna look cheap when tipping but i am kinda tight with my money typically.
i was thinking about how my grandma used to tell me i changed.. i don't think i realized how manipulating she was trying to be. she was trying to scare me into just acting the way she wanted, so i'd think i didn't change. then it hit me- PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO CHANGE! i don't remember if i told her that when she told me once that i changed.. i kinda feel like i did. just judging by that manipulation tactic- you should understand how i was basically raised and all the abuse (my dad kicking me because my mom used MY BODY as a shield while he was kicking her) was condoned because my grandma jumped to the conclusion that my mom had a disability since she was illiterate. my mom can read. she reads my blog all the time. so she's just lazy. which to me is worse than being disabled but i'm not sure how stupid people think. i'm pretty sure my mom probably had something to do with amy telling me i couldn't go to mexico. my mom thinks she can go to mexico but she tries to stop me from going there.. which i don't really understand why except for the fact she's incredibly jealous of her own daughter. go act like you care about fat amy. she's your favorite kid anyway. if my kids spoke about this on their blogs.. i would NEVER want to read that shit. another difference between me and my mom. if you people were SMART you'd work on helping me to move out of this state- so i don't have time to think about how she abused me and open the can of worms because i'd be too busy living and making my OWN life to post or think about something as depressing as my mom and the shit she did to me.

Bound to happen.

i have this feeling that douglas might ghost me on my birthday, so he won't even bring me to rick's cabaret. maybe i'm just being paranoid because it's for my FORTIETH birthday and i was excited to have plans for it FOR ONCE since nobody gives a damn about me to make plans for me. that's also one of the reasons why i don't wanna live in this particular state. i'm not gonna go switching my interests/personality just so i can actually do things and have friends.

interviews

i just got done at my last interviews of the day. the first interview went alright, although i'm not sure if they'll count that i thought i was interviewing for front desk when it was actually guest services. they didn't make a big deal about it but i finally got to interview with them after about 40 minutes. so, i kept looking at my watch to make sure i'd have enough time to get to the second interview at a different hotel. i got there on time with probably 15 minutes to spare at least but i came when there wasn't many hotel guests- so the lady interviewing me did it earlier than the interview was while still answering phone calls. i didn't mind- i'm sure that's common during the day (having interruptions and still managing to assist people). the only mistake i made during this interview was forgetting to mention that i'd like to work more when she asked me why i was looking for another job other than the one at sabathani. i forgot to bring a notebook to write down when the employer would be getting back to me (so it shows i'm actually interested in getting the job) but i'm pretty sure one of them said by monday they'd get back to me and it feels like the other said something about thursday but i don't remember which one said what. so i'll just pay attention to my indeed account because i know at least one of them said she'd get back to me on indeed. the good thing is that i don't remember saying anything wrong during either of these interviews- it's just that i forgot to say things that may make me look more appealing to hire.

test rings

i'm wearing one of the test rings on my finger (which happysleep sent me to try on and wear), i don't think there's like a monitor in this particular test ring because it looks plastic. i'm not sure of the purpose of having me actually wear the ring all day- i can see just trying them on to see what size fits best but the ics worker who was helping me read that i had to keep it on all day. i'm pretty sure the reason why my head has been hurting me lately has to do with my lack of sleep due to sleeping without a cpap even though i recognized that my head stopped hurting when i got up, ate breakfast, and drank WATER. i also stretched my neck but i'm not sure if that had any influence on how my head felt- even though i suppose it would make sense. so now i've gotta wear this ring to sabathani when i go there to volunteer, oh well.. it's just like a plastic ring- it doesn't interfere with anything really. at first, i took the ring off and went to the bathroom and after the second time of going to the bathroom- i realized the ring is just plastic so there's no way it can get messed up by water, so i left it on when washing my hands. plus- the ics never told me that i couldn't get it wet- so i assume i'm fine.
when i had ics, the ics worker helped me check my champs account so a housing offer isn't just slipped under my awareness and so i don't lose an opportunity AGAIN for housing there. he seen that i'm still on the second to last stage for housing still. now i just have to continue to be patient until a housing offer comes up.
i think i may have recognized my mom and sister's obsessions with my blog account. it's not that they're genuinely interested/care what's going on with me. it's just because my mom is eager to see what life COULD be like IF she actually worked/lived somewhere other than her hometown in basically the same situation she came from- which she's NEVER done in her whole life (little honkey towns right next to your hometown don't count either- like new auburn or brownton) and my sister is eager to see what it's like to live anywhere other than with/by her mommy, with a HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA and actually living life. she can try to make it seem like we're alike ALL she wants but she's never actually been comatose, in a wheelchair for at least 15 years because her family is naive and just like sympathy and attention. she's never pushed herself to graduate and excel in any academics whatsoever. we don't have anything in common but the dna part of me i'm REALLY ashamed of. that's what you suckers get for being nosey. i'll be as honest as i have to, even if it bothers you. if you were smart- you'd ignore what i say (meaning not read it every damn day) and WORK on YOURSELVES. of course they're not smart- so they try to take the easy way out in life. so basically- they're just nosey cows.
i asked my therapist what to do about the interviews that i have tomorrow yesterday because they're so close together. she suggested that i go to the first one, then when that's done- call lyft and have them bring me directly to the second one. i might be there like 30 minutes early but now that i think about it- traffic usually tends to suck when i need to make it to interviews- so i'll probably be okay doing what my therapist told me to do.

running into the common problem of having nobody to help me in the way *I* need- *NOT* just what's convenient for others.

i got some more things done today. i called my community health worker and asked her if she knew who i could call to have them help me with my virtual interview. she told me to call my job coach.. i'm pretty sure my job coach is on vacation and she said someone would call me when she's on vacation to check in to see if i need help with anything and i'm pretty sure i don't remember anyone calling me. so i just did the virtual interview MYSELF the best i could and sent it in. i did everything they said in the directions- so hopefully it went through. they texted me saying my patience is appreciated while they review the results. they didn't say how they would contact me or even that they'd contact me with the results but i assume i'll find out somehow. i also have been thinking about how my next two interviews on wednesday are scheduled so close together and i hope that lyft won't fuck things up again. knowing my luck- they will. so i don't even know if i can count on attending any of my next interviews on wednesday. the good thing is- at least my therapist called me and scheduled a meeting with me in about an hour- so i can tell her about this and hopefully get some good advice on what to do about this problem. seeing as everyone just assumes i'm good relying on lyft for transportation when they can't even bring me to the appropriate destinations at the most critical times but just as long as i'm safe! i should be happy i get transportation even though it ruins a lot of opportunities for me! right amanda?! i belong at courage kenny where they do shit for their own convenience and don't even REALLY help me in the ways i need!.. story of my fuckin life. i'm stupid for expecting to actually be successful and satisfied with my life.. I DO HAVE A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY!.. right amanda? NOTHING THAT INCONVENIENCES YOU AND DON'T BENEFIT YOU!

getting things done for a change on sunday.

fredrick took me to the grocery store to get some groceries. it's hot as hell out there. when he brought me back, i think when i was opening the door for him to bring the groceries in- he said to me, "now you'll learn how to do this yourself because when i go home- you'll be able to help yourself!" so that tells me that he plans on going to africa on vacation again for like a month or so like he usually does. it irritates me that other people just jump to assuming i can't do things without even seeing for themselves, so they appear "responsible" or "caring" or wtf. so it was probably a good thing that i had fredrick buy tide pods today since i have a little difficulty lugging the big bottle of detergent around when washing my clothes. he claims that the washing machines on this floor are broken though- so he always goes in the laundry room UPSTAIRS to wash the clothes and i KNOW that it wouldn't be safe for me to try to haul my laundry up and down some stairs when i do the laundry.. so i may have to think of an alternative for that.
douglas came over on friday and he casually asked me when my birthday was, since we talked about going to a strip club for it- then he asked me if i still wanted to go to rick's cabaret. i said, "YEAH!" because there's gotta be a first time for everything and it's coincidentally my birthday when we're going. i looked at the calendar this morning and i'm scheduled to volunteer at sabathani on my birthday- so at least i'll have something to do that day besides the strip club at night.
i also managed to express my interest in working at some bank today, they want me to schedule a virtual interview with them and i'm HOPEFULLY gonna do the virtual interview tomorrow when my job coach comes.. i figure it might be more appropriate if she's there to assist me or give me tips on the interview. if it doesn't work to schedule it tomorrow for whatever reason- i'm comfortable doing it independently another day but i just figured she might help me be more successful at the interview so i ACTUALLY get hired.