huh.

i know i've pointed this out before but i'm going to reiterate it- ONE of the many reasons why i'm looking to move is the LACK of support and care i'm shown in this particular state. i'm pretty sure amy realizes it also, that's why she asked me once a long time ago if i had called amanda when i was in the emergency room and i told her i did but she never answered- i even left a voicemail which she did NOT return. the longer i'm kept in this supportLESS area- the harder it will be for me to find somewhere people ACTUALLY care about AND support me. IF my family actually gave a damn about me- THEY'D REALIZE THAT.
i also have been giving a more than likely homeless guy water and snacks because i doubt he gets much of either. fredrick told me that i should stop because he'll probably rape me or something but i DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO LOSE ANYMORE ANYWAY and i showed fredrick my go-to plan if he tries anything- my health alert necklace (which actually DOES work- the health alert people responded to it going off for no reason yesterday when i was on the toilet yesterday- i didn't fall or press it, i think it just was moved wrong and it thought i fell or something). plus, the guy is really puny like i am. i doubt he's much taller than i am and he obviously doesn't eat from the looks of him. he's never showed any bad intentions towards me. i also remember that i'm a shitty judge of character- which is why i am where i am today. then i think back to Jesus saying "Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me." and i keep confidence that he's guiding me to the promised land and will protect me from anything bad and not lead me into anything bad. *shrugs shoulders* the guy hasn't tried anything yet and i know my neighbors will beat his ass if anything goes wrong. well, for sure the one who lives on the right side of me and drives his motorcycle and always tells me, "HI NEIGHBOR!" would. i'm trying to think if this guy lives on the other side of me because i vaguely remember seeing that neighbor and he resembles him a lot now that i think of it but i could be wrong- so then he's obviously not homeless.. if i see him again- i'll ask. i seem to attract the most damaged people. if any idiots from my family think they're doing something helpful by preventing me from what i do to be around other people- YOU DROVE ME TO WHERE I AM AND I CAN GUARANTEE YOU IT AIN'T GONNA GET BETTER.. ESPECIALLY NOT IF YOU TRY TO STEP IN FOR ONCE AND "PROTECT" ME FROM SOMETHING YOU DON'T HAVE A FUCKIN CLUE ABOUT SINCE YOU DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT ME TO PREVENT ME FROM HAVING THE DESIRE TO PUT MYSELF OUT THERE AND GET NEW EXPERIENCES- SOMETHING YOU HERMIT-ASS MENTALLY DISABLED PEOPLE WOULD KNOW NOTHING ABOUT. i don't do things to harm myself and put myself in danger and you're a fucking moron if that's what you think- I'M FORTY FUCKIN YEARS OLD. I'VE MANAGED TO GET MYSELF THIS FAR IN LIFE WITHOUT YOU JACKASSES FALSELY "SUPPORTING" ME TO DO WHAT'S CONVENIENT AND BENEFICIAL FOR YOUR CARELESS, SELFISH ASSES. YOU ARE THE BIGGEST REASON FOR MY PTSD AND WHERE I AM TODAY. if you don't like it- DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT AND MIND YOUR BUSINESS. YOU'LL SEE DIFFERENT RESULTS.

at least contract jobs show experience on your resume.

i got some tax preparar company calling me interested in hiring me for a contract job. i'm pretty sure they're more interested this particular time of year because it's tax season. so i did an interview today and i did one yesterday, i think i have another one tomorrow morning as well. people don't think i can do my own taxes though- probably because there's more involved because of the trust or something? or they all assume i'm mentally disabled because my mom is- so i'm not allowed to do my own taxes! if my intelligence had ANYTHING to do with my genetics- I WOULDN'T HAVE GRADUATED WITH HONORS OR GONE TO COLLEGE. *sigh* oh well. UNLESS- my dad was really smart (which i wouldn't know since i didn't grow up around him and i found out later he got killed in a drug trafficking accident in mexico by my brother when he was told that at a welding job he had). i had another interview with some company about some data entry job today which ALSO scheduled another interview with me tomorrow.
i'm not sure if my nurse is going crazy but she told me today how it looked like i was losing weight. i just brushed her comment off and said, "this shirt is big.. so it probably looks like it." my weight DOES tend to fluctuate. the only time recently that i think i lost weight was when i last had surgery because of my blocked bowel. i think i lost 10 or 15 lbs. and i don't even weigh that much the way it is, so they kept me there until i reached 100 lbs. again. i remember them forcing me to eat drink this chalky shit which was supposed to help me gain weight- i even started gagging /on the verge of throwing up while drinking it. i haven't been sick lately and i really don't feel like i lost weight- so the nurse is probably just going crazy.

steps in employment..

i got up and got ready for the day. then fredrick drove me to get my nails done quick and then my job coach came to my place, she helped me so i figured out where to go (on my cell phone) to have my zoom interview for the data entry job. during the interview, i told the lady who i've been talking to the job about my work experience and she told me that she scheduled me for another zoom interview tomorrow with her supervisor and her. i hope this is a step to getting the job. it's on-site and a contract job. i feel like i need to work on-site jobs to be motivated to actually work hard and get outta the house. i'm not really interested in remote jobs. i don't THINK i've ever actually worked one to honestly judge though- i'm not interested in really trying it out either.. although for some reason, i remember the lady telling me this was an on-site AND remote job. so i might be able to find out personally how both jobs are. i'm just happy that someone gave me an opportunity to work.
i had an appointment at learningrx that i forgot to write on my calendar today and the tutor called me and told me that i could reschedule the appointment, so i rescheduled the appointment. the guy who assessed me said they couldn't use results from learningrx to get my license but i'd like to work on my cognition, so i can pass the cognitive test i need to pass to drive. i have a feeling none of what i really do will matter because of my LACK of advocacy. i can't say i didn't try though.. so i'll just always remember exactly why i wasn't able to progress in life and more than likely disown my family (except joe) and move FAR AWAY to where i can actually get resources and support to be TRULY SUCCESSFUL. that doesn't include allowing courage kenny telling me i'm not able to get better and sucking as much money as they can get out of me while not ACTUALLY helping me get better and more able to do everyday tasks because MY FAMILY IS TOO DAMN STUPID TO HAVE THE KNOWLEDGE OF WHAT I REALLY NEED TO DO TO BE MORE CAPABLE AND ABLE TO DO EVERYDAY TASKS. COURAGE KENNY KNOWS THAT WHICH IS WHY THEY KEPT TELLING ME I NEED THERAPY EVERY TIME I'D GO TO THEIR DRIVING ASSESSMENT (WHICH I ACTUALLY PASSED WHEN I PAID OUT OF POCKET FOR IT). my family cares more about the image of being looked at as "caring".. if they ACTUALLY cared about ME- they'd be supportive of what i wanna do in life.. NOT JUST WHAT'S CONVENIENT AND BENEFICIAL FOR THEM. all those bastards at courage kenny have done for me is show me that my family (except joe) REALLY doesn't give a fuck about me. they're selfish and they care too much about appearing "CARING" which they are NOT but nobody really knows since i don't live around them and i don't talk to the people they LIE to. i have absolutely no desire to talk to them or backtrack my progression JUST to live depressed and haul my ass back and forth to courage kenny. i can't remember how many times i drove my wheelchair out to the highway when i used a damn wheelchair for my family's convenience and basically lived HOW AND WHERE I LIVED FOR THEIR CONVENIENCE and thought about driving on it IN THE MIDDLE OF TRAFFIC since people obviously don't REALLY care about me because if they DID- they'd be trying to make sure all MY GOALS WERE ACCOMPLISHED since this IS MY life. not my mentally disabled mom's. not her flying monkeys. not amanda's. MINE. i never want to see or talk to my mom again since she obviously doesn't really care about ME because she can't even realize that the only reason why i ran off and got in an accident was to ESCAPE her stupid ass and how my family seems to think they can dictate how i live my damn life. mind your business. that goes for you too, fat amy (the YOUNGEST mistake of my family- your fat ass isn't innocent in this).

stereotypes.

i had an interview with some chiropractor place for the front desk, then tomorrow i have an interview for a data entry job dealing with target. i'm not sure the interview today went that well because i didn't have any accomplishments or abilities that really stood out. that's been the problem with all my interviews lately- it's not like i make any mistakes but i don't have anything that really impresses the person into hiring me. hopefully i can think of something soon because i'm getting really bored- not working enough to keep me constructive. that doesn't mean i'll stoop to going back in my progress and go BACK to courage kenny where they kept me from progressing and didn't give me the opportunity to progress because of "liability". that's just an excuse for people that don't know how to do their damn jobs/don't feel like they have to REALLY do their job helping clients EXCEL (well for sure NOT if they lack advocacy which i happen to lack and i'm NOT wasting more of my damn life NOT progressing and living MY life.. i'm 40 fuckin years old and nobody feels like i should be given the right to drive when i held my driver's permit for probably at least 2 or 3 years before it was revoked and people were convinced i didn't have the ability to drive because for some reason they think it'll make their life easier the less privileges i have- newsflash dicks, IT JUST PISSES ME OFF AND CONFIRMS THAT I DON'T HAVE SUPPORT IN THIS DAMN STATE- SO I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO STAY IN THIS DUMP OF A STATE). if my supposed caring family REALLY cared about me- THEY'D BE MAKING AN EFFORT TO ACTUALLY HELP THEIR DISABLED, VULNERABLE ADULT RELATIVE. *GASP* YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID IF YOU DON'T REALIZE WHY I WANT TO MOVE TO A DIFFERENT STATE WITH ALL THIS "SUPPORT". i do NOT have "everything" i need in this state- just because YOU have everything.. does NOT mean EVERYONE else in this damn state does, ignorant jackass. it's not my fault that you've never had to deal with health or financial problems in your life to be so damn ignorant. if you try to come back with, "I HAVE HAD TO DEAL WITH PROBLEMS TOO!" now you know how it fucking feels to have judgments and stereotypes thrown on you when the person REALLY doesn't know what the hell they're talking about. joe shouldn't be the ONLY source of family support i have.

cognitive test..

i went to learningrx today and when i was checking in at the front desk, some lady walked in and said to me, "HAH! YOU ACTUALLY CAME HERE!" then i turned and looked at her to see if she was talking to me and i recognized her as the woman who was interviewing at victoria's secret when i was and she said she was a cognitive coach, so i jumped at the opportunity to get a cognitive coach, so i asked her where she worked and looked online at the information and made an appointment for a cognitive assessment today. then i sat in the waiting room until the person came and got me for my appointment. i walked in the room and sat down at some table, the guy who called me into the room for my appointment asked me before he gave me the test, "before we start- why are you here exactly?" then i said, "well.. i was in a car accident when i was 16 and i got a traumatic brain injury from it. i had my license before i got in the accident and the government took it away after the accident. i want to get my license again and they said i had to take a cognitive test and pass it before they give it to me again- which i failed at courage kenny and regions." then he said, "well i don't think they'll take the results from one of our cognitive tests over a government one." then i said, "i want to work on my cognition before i take another test, so i pass it.. i guess." then he said, "alright.. we'll see how you do and have an appointment with the results and figure out what to do from there." then i took the test, it was moderately easy- i didn't find it too difficult but there were a few questions i had to think a while about. the guy who gave me the test kinda suggested an answer or two.. i'm not sure if it's because he felt bad or because i gave off the impression that i was frustrated because i couldn't get the answer? (but to tell you the truth- i don't remember getting frustrated ever..) when i got done with the test, i went back out in the waiting room to wait for my ride but the girl who referred me to learningrx must've been with clients. i DID get a discount because they found out she referred me and she got money for it too. so it worked for both of us.

just gotta wait and see, i guess.

just so certain family members who only help when it's convenient and/or beneficial for THEM know.. INTENTIONALLY NOT HELPING THEM IS NEGLECT which is also a form of ABUSE. "YOU GOT THIS!" which also confuses me why my sister stalks the hell outta me and reads my blog like it's the bible. if she expects me to just forget everything she's said/done to me JUST BECAUSE SHE'S MY SISTER (SHE ONLY HAS SIMILAR DNA BECAUSE OF MY MOM- WHICH IS ACTUALLY THE DNA I'M NOT PROUD OF).. she's got another thing coming and she's wasting her time.
some lady just called me about some job doing administrative work for target. i was trying to remember and it feels like someone called me about a job yesterday at about this same time. that's why remote jobs aren't exactly right.. for me anyway. i'd be more comfortable with a job if it were on site- so i don't feel like i'm not somewhere i need to be. whatever.. i won't know unless i try. if no one from our family (but joe) pays attention to me and really helps me- what the hell makes her think i'll be in the condition to help someone else (or even have the desire to)?! i have my own shit to worry about. ESPECIALLY since the last person who tried to help her was pushed on her ass by her.
i still am going to learningrx later and i hope these guys aren't like courage kenny and they just try to take advantage of my lack of KNOWLEDGABLE ADVOCACY. i hope they don't go assuming things for their own benefit just to make things easier for them or so they can make more money off me. i guess there's a better chance of that not happening since I was basically the one who organized this appointment since my family is too damn naive and uncaring to assist me to be actually capable and happy. "YOU GOT THIS!" (while the phone rings and eventually goes to voicemail which is NEVER returned)

similarities in abuse..

i'm not going to sabathani tomorrow because that's when i scheduled my cognitive assessment at learningrx. hopefully they actually work with me to assist me in getting my driver's license again, since my own family doesn't give a fuck about me to help me get as capable to be as successful as possible- so I am ACTUALLY satisfied with my life and not just seen as a tool to make my own selfish family appear "caring" and "supportive". "YOU GOT THIS!" okay.. so you're taking yourself (along with all my other family members who DON'T support or care about ME) OUT of the picture and my life? great. good riddance. i'm doing what you selfish, uncaring bums NEVER did and i'm WORKING to make MY life better. you only care if you benefit off it and if it's convenient for you. go get kicked by your husband. also pushed on your ass by your granddaughter. i realized that my mom and fat sister have something in common- NEITHER of them apologized for the abuse and pain to my grandma OR myself caused as a result of their actions. WAY TO MODEL INTEGRITY TO YOUR OWN DAMN DAUGHTER! assholes stick together.

finding things to keep me busy without football on sunday.

i forgot to mention that i went to an eye appointment at pearle vision yesterday. the lady had texted me saying that she wanted to reschedule it before i got to the appointment- so the optometrist couldn't even see me. i had to reschedule the appointment for next saturday now. i could've sworn i've already been to the eye doctor a few weeks ago anyway but it could just be my brain putting false memories in my head again- like it tends to do. fredrick is gonna take me to pottery barn in about an hour now. i've never been to the actual store before, so this should be fun- considering i don't have football to watch until TOMORROW.
i'm still annoyed because i'm not sure if amanda tries to make it look like she's actually helping me or TRYING to help me. I'VE ATTENDED THE COURAGE CENTER OVER 15 YEARS AGO. I'M DONE WITH THAT SHIT. and *GASP* i DO have a BRAIN and i realized that all they fuckin did for me was provide me a gym to practice walking in (I CAN WALK ANYWHERE- SO I DIDN'T REALLY NEED THE DUMP). i don't just do whatever the fuck pleases my unsupportive, incompetent family. they were also probably trying to cover their asses because they probably assumed i sued someone for my car accident and didn't wanna be sued, so they were punishing me outta being overprotective dicks. the therapists there came up with the excuse of "liability" for not letting me do things which would've REALLY helped me become more ambulatory. the only person in this world seen that (my grandma) which is why she found tram to help me with ARP therapy. he was the one who actually got me out of my wheelchair. she's (amanda) like everyone else in this damn world who only helps when it's beneficial to her. like the ics worker who refused to help me unless it was "one of your {my} goals". she got butthurt after fredrick actually went with me to get my eyeliner tattoo'd on and i think she may have been the one who helped me find the place. although- i paid for it outta pocket.. so fredrick went with me. also- she more than likely had other ics clients to see.