just looking to be *ACTUALLY* constructive and useful.

alright.. i just went to sabathani to volunteer at the front desk and i USED to be assigned on tuesdays and thursdays until someone told me like 2 months ago at least that they didn't need me on thursdays anymore. i thought, "alright.. they're giving other people opportunities. that's fine- it'll give me more time to work on getting an actual job." but then like 2 weeks ago, i went to sabathani to volunteer on thursday again and no one else was there- so i kinda figured that they didn't get someone else to volunteer that day and they might not have wanted to ask me to volunteer there more since i asked about possibly getting compensated for volunteering and they figured i was only about getting paid. i am not strictly expecting to get paid from there because i'm pretty sure my job coach said that no one that works there gets paid, so i thought to myself, "why should i be any different?". i'm pretty sure that volunteering there DOES happen to make me look more qualified to employers though because employers would very RARELY contact me about being interested in hiring me before i started volunteering there but now after i've volunteered there for a while- more people are actually asking me for interviews and are interested in hiring me. it's also good experience for working the jobs i'm interested in working. with that said- i DID manage to schedule a phone interview for an office administrator job next week about 15 minutes ago. since the woman at the salvation army made a comment about how my work experience were really only office jobs and she was looking for people with experience in retail, so i took my chances and applied to this job and they're ACTUALLY interested enough to schedule a phone interview with me. so i'm HOPEFULLY getting somewhere in getting hired again, since i see that office jobs will actually be interested in hiring me. i've been getting a couple phone interviews lately though and they don't lead to anything though. hopefully that's not the situation now.

mammogram results

i also just received a letter summing up my mammogram. it says that the results of my breast imaging are NORMAL. breast tissue can either be dense or not dense. dense tissue makes it harder to find breast cancer on a mammogram and also raises the risk of breast cancer. guess who's privileged enough to have DENSE BREAST TISSUE?! that's right.. genetics fuck me again- my mammogram results state that MY breast tissue IS DENSE. just my luck. i kinda figured that would be the case since my grandma had breast cancer in BOTH of her breasts. so my risk of getting breast cancer is also increased!.. whatever- have to die some way or another eventually. hopefully not of breast cancer but my risks are increased. that does NOT mean that i should "stay in minnesota because they're the best for healthcare" either! i'm more than positive boston has a great health care system. so take your lies to the first aisle of k-mart and SHOVE IT. i'm not an idiot that will believe anything my naive ass cooliez cousin says. where'd you get your MD? the beauty school of how-to-falsely-promise-my-cousin-things-i-can't-do- so i LIE to her?! i feel stupid just for believing she'd actually help me get where i can be TRULY HAPPY. not just because it's convenient for HER. i stupidly didn't realize you don't have the intelligence or desire to help a vulnerable cousin in need. WELP! BETTER GO LAUGH AT HER STUPIDITY WITH DUSTIN! AIN'T THAT RIGHT?! such cousinly LOVE. just another reason that inclines my desire to move.

reason for what i do.

to expand on my last post- i REQUIRE ADVOCACY because i happen to have a TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY and for the ignorant, entitled cousins who have never had to deal with health problems that debilatates her so bad that she needs someone to speak for her because people assume she's not capable of making decisions/speaking for herself. IF they DID think i was capable of speaking for myself and making my own decisons- DON'T YOU FUCKIN THINK AFTER TWENTY TWO FUCKIN YEARS I'D BE WHERE I WANT TO BE?! you probably assume i'm a pushover like my mom since we both require others to speak for us. so you're NOT helping AT ALL. if you were as god damn smart as you act like you are- YOU'D KNOW THAT.
i've tried to call the reason for my traumatic brain injury and he's too good to answer the phone. sure.. he could be busy but every time i try to call him lately- HE'S TOO GOOD TO ANSWER THE PHONE. he used to answer the phone.. so i'm sure he was influenced by his perfect mom, wife, and sister. must be nice to have those. however- also, the difference between when he actually answered the phone and now when he doesn't answer the phone- i'm pretty sure he didn't have knowledge of how fucking selfish and toxic of a person my mom was and how she was the cause of TWO of my abdominal surgeries in life so far. it was just easier to go with his mom's assumptions that i was an ungrateful, evil, wild girl who is corrupting her precious son to do evil things like drink and drive! considering i did NOT make him drink the beer and drive during the accident which NEARLY killed me but killed his friend in the back seat. also- the fact that i did NOT have a drop of alcohol in my system to paralyze my immune system like the driver did should mean SOMETHING to ANYONE with a functioning BRAIN. so i end up feeling the effects of the car accident and sustaining a traumatic brain injury. beer wreaks and if you drink too much of it- you act like an idiot. HOW TEMPTING!.. i think not. CONSIDERING I WAS IN A COMA FOR SEVEN MONTHS AND THE CROCS AT BUFFALO'S HOSPITAL DECLARED ME A VEGETABLE AND TOLD MY GRANDMA AND MOM THEY SHOULD DISCONNECT THE LIFE SUPPORT BECAUSE IF I EVER CAME OUTTA THE COMA- I'D BE A VEGETABLE ALL MY LIFE. JUST PROOF OF THE LACK OF INTELLIGENCE BUFFALO HAS. BUT NONE OF THAT MATTERS TO HIS FAMILY- JUST AS LONG AS THEIR PERFECT SON IS OKAY- HE COULDN'T HAVE POSSIBLY DONE ANYTHING WRONG! IT CAN'T POSSIBLY BE HIS FAULT!.. i do EVERYTHING in life for a reason. NOT JUST FOR "FUN" OR TO BE WILD. there's a purpose to everything i do. i was trying to get away from people who clearly don't care about me unless my grandma tells them to do it (and she's dead now) and so they look "caring" in front of everyone else (which they are NOT because EVERYTHING i ask for seems to inconvenience them and they don't take the iniative of seeing how they can help me anymore now that my grandma is dead). except for my cousin joe. IF PEOPLE ACTUALLY LISTENED TO PEOPLE WITH BRAIN INJURIES- NO WAY WOULD I STILL BE IN THIS STATE.

advocacy? *CRICKETS*

i went to the interview at the hotel i had an interview scheduled at today and the hotel DID look familiar.. but that really doesn't say much since basically all hotels look familiar if you think about it. when i got there, i walked where i figured the front desk was and i told them i was there for an interview, the FIRST thing they asked, pretty much assuming they were correct but asking to be sure, "you here for a housekeeping interview?" then i said, "no.. front desk." then they said, "oh! we'll get her and tell her you're here for an interview!" then i said, "ok." because- in case you're unaware, MOST hotel housekeepers are hispanic ladies. all the housekeepers i seen there were little hispanic ladies. the lady who interviewed me didn't say anything about interviewing me before though.. so i'm still not sure. she asked me some questions in her office and i answered them. she did bring up what i was sure she'd bring up too since it DID take more than just 15 minutes to get there. "so where do you live?" and i said, "st. paul." then she said, "oh. how'd you get here?" then i said, "lyft." then she said, "well.. that'll probably get expensive paying for lyft all the time.." then i said, "well, my insurance pays for it." they might as well, seeing as they can't even fuckin pay for the RESOURCES and ADVOCACY to get my fuckin driver's license BACK after it expired- I DIDN'T HAVE IT TAKEN AWAY FOR ERRATIC DRIVING OR ANY OTHER REASON THAT WOULD'VE BEEN MY FAULT. the thought of interviewing for housekeeping briefly came to mind- then i remembered my BRAIN INJURY and how i would more than likely get hurt doing housekeeping. IT DOESN'T MATTER TO AMANDA AND THE REST OF MY FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE)! JUST AS LONG AS I ACT DISABLED AND ATTEND SOME OVERRATED PATHETIC EXCUSE OF A "REHAB. FACILITY" KNOWN AS COURAGE KENNY LIKE ALL THE OTHER DISABLED PEOPLE TO GET THEM ATTENTION AND SYMPATHY! the second i got a tbi- i lost my right to live life like a REGULAR, HEALTHY person.. RIGHT AMANDA?! I BELONG AT COURAGE KENNY WHERE THEY JUST WANT TO KEEP ME LOOKING AND FUNCTIONING AS DISABLED AS POSSIBLE SO THEY CAN LOOK LIKE THEY'RE ACTUALLY FUCKING DOING THEIR JOBS EVEN IF THEY AREN'T REALLY HELPING THEM ESPECIALLY IF THEY DON'T HAVE PEOPLE WHO ARE KNOWLEDGABLE AND CARING ADVOCATING FOR THEM- TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE VULNERABLE CLIENTS WITH A LACK OF PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THEM! (WHICH MOST DISABLED PEOPLE DON'T HAVE BECAUSE THE PEOPLE WHO CARE FOR THEM ASSUME THAT COURAGE KENNY WILL HELP WITH ADVOCATING AS WELL AS REHABILITATION!). i'm DONE with courage kenny's bullshit (PROOF I ATTENDED THERE IS ON MY FACEBOOK TIMELINE IF THE MUSKRAT DIDN'T GET THEM TO TAKE IT DOWN). you CAN get your damn driver's license when you're disabled and NOT attend courage kenny! I KNOW OF MANY FUCKING PEOPLE WHO ARE DISABLED WHO DIDN'T WASTE THEIR TIME THERE. IF YOU ACTUALLY CARED- YOU'D FUCKIN ASSIST ME IN GETTING IT AGAIN. i'm not pretending that you're actually fucking helping me because as far as i'm concerned- YOU HAVEN'T DONE SHIT. I had to make a scene just to get kicked out of the shithole in burnsville so people would ACTUALLY help me find somewhere else to live. it's probably on my renting record now. JUST HAVE TO GO TO A DIFFERENT STATE SO I CAN ACTUALLY FIND AN APARTMENT THAT WILL ACCEPT ME! so in reality- it's amanda and the rest of the people who supposedly care about me to help me find somewhere i can be truly constructive and safe while being satisfied with living where i am who have ALWAYS been the REAL PROBLEM. WHICH- *GASP* DOESN'T INCLUDE ATTENDING FUCKING COURAGE KENNY! those jackasses only care about taking advantage of my LACK of CARING advocacy which i was TOLD would be amanda- by the person who naively advocated for me before but died of lung cancer! so i'm actually getting punished for her lung cancer also! I'M JUST A FUCKING INCONVENIENCE FOR ACTUALLY WANTING TO LIVE MY LIFE THE WAY I WANT. thanks so much amanda! YOU HAVE HELPED ME TO SEE EXACTLY HOW MUCH MY FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE AND JAY) DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME IF IT DOESN'T BENEFIT THEM AND/OR MAKE THEM FALSELY APPEAR LIKE THEY ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME. YOU GOT THIS! YOU HELP MY MENTAL HEALTH SO MUCH! *ROLLS EYES* i've basically cut off one of my best friends for my mental health, don't you dare think for a second that you couldn't be next. that goes for my mom too.. even though i've pretty much cut her ass off too.

i actually get new spectacles!

i just got back from the eye doctor. they examined my eyes and asked me what letters i could see- i'm not sure if my eyes got worse but she said the prescription was different than my previous. my eyes are really blurry after the exam, i'm assuming that's because they dilate my eyes with that shit. the glasses i picked out are thinner frames than my previous glasses- i figured i'd do something different than before. i'm pretty sure i remember having glasses similar to the ones i picked out today. the optician always seems to point out how the glasses i pick out bring out my eyes. my eyes' irises actually look red to me.. which would explain why my last glasses' frames were a reddish color. this time- i think they're also reddish but thinner and more professional looking. the optician said i'll get them in 3 weeks. red eyes.. haha.. i'm possessed or something.

eye appointment

i have to leave for an eye appointment in like 15 minutes. i think it's just a check-up. i'm not sure if i'm eligible for new glasses yet. i don't THINK there's anything wrong with my glasses now. there's always room for improvement i suppose though.
tomorrow i have an interview at a hotel. i'm pretty sure i've interviewed at a while ago since it sounds familiar. it's either the same hotel that i was late for and the lady gave me a lecture about how she showed up for all her interviews an hour before time or it might be the hotel i was gonna work at but quit during training because the guy training me in for a different job than i applied for was frustrated while training me and he was gossiping about me to the front desk girls. it just sounds familiar but i'm sure they have new workers there by now because it was so long ago.

Pictures?

don't SCRATCH.

i'm not sure what this little patch of red bumps on the front of my right shoulder/arm pit is. i think i mentioned them on my blog a few days ago and i STILL have them. they itch and i tried scratching them a few days ago to see what would happen and they started to sting and it got red.. so, i stopped scratching them. i'm talking to joe right now and seeing if he knows what it is- i even took a cellphone pic of them. i just need to schedule an appointment with a dermatologist tomorrow and see if fredrick can get me some topical steroid cream that joe recommended for me- to stop the itch. it doesn't itch as much because i just look at my arm pit and start bitching about how much it itches and it goes away. HOPEFULLY i get relief soon.- okay, i see i wrote about this FOUR days ago and i still don't have this problem solved. i'm always busy lately though.. i just may have to squeeze a visit to urgent care soon if i can't make an actual appointment.

finding things out about me..

well, needless to say- i don't think that i got that job. i'm not sure if it's because that "elizabeth" person she referred to was the same elizabeth at camp or just because she figured since i didn't have work experience in retail.. i'd be a bad fit? who knows? i'm not really disappointed.. the work environment really wasn't what i preferred anyway. she made a point in observing how most of my work experience was office type environments anyway. i found out on indeed that i didn't get the job but i remember the lady i interviewed with telling me she'd get back to me on monday or tuesday.. whatever- not putting too much confidence in it anyway.
i just got back from spanish and the spanish tutor there made the observation and was actually shocked that he noticed how i could understand what he was saying in spanish, i just wasn't sure of how to respond in spanish back. he seemed kinda impressed and said that was something he could work with. it's like i can understand spanish but i'm not fully confident in my response back in spanish which he said was more than likely my problem with confidence in knowledge. *gasp* it's like i was in an ACCIDENT and only have HALF the knowledge i need!.. i DID get in the car accident that i was in during the summer of 10th grade which was the second summer break of spanish classes (since i took spanish class in ninth and tenth grade). i'm not sure if there's any connection there but it kinda makes a little more sense. i told him how i had listened to a spanish tv channel on one of my plane ride trips either going to new york or coming back from it and understood most of it. i also told him about the few incidents where i had people call me in spanish at sabathani or asking if sabathani had a translator for spanish and i was somewhat able to help them. hopefully that helped him still have confidence to teach me and not assume i'm too handicap to understand a foreign language and there's no hope. i'm interested in any new skill i can understand and grasp. spanish looks to be a knack for me. cool.

latest interview

i just had an interview with goodwill and i made a mistake AS USUAL. i DID manage to remember my interview questions and ask them (unlike last interview at a hotel last week). the interview went well in my opinion- i'm not sure i really impressed her though. when she asked me if i had worked with donating things, i said, "yeah." right away but then she asked me what i had worked with specifically. i honestly feel like i've worked with donating every day items but maybe it was just interviews because i can't think of a specific job with donations until i just remembered the very first job i worked at was at pc's for people and that company deals with donated computers. i cleaned out keyboards and made sure they were in good shape to donate. i need to see if i can email the lady and tell her. i'm not sure it will matter but i always have a different interview scheduled next week at a hotel. so i'm not completely hopeless yet.

deja-vu?

great.. i scheduled another meeting for a front desk position at some hotel next week. thing is.. this particular hotel sounds familiar- kinda like one of the very first hotels i applied at and was actually hired but i quit during training because the lady who hired me had already hired too many people to work the front desk- so she tried to stick me in the breakfast attendant position because she was trying to look for a spot for me to work. when she told me that she was gonna hire me as a breakfast attendant, i was neutral and looking for anything to start the hospitality field in- so i said, "ok." because i assumed it was just clearing tables and washing dishes. the guy training me was some old guy who had worked there for somethin like 10 some years and i heard him talking about me to the front desk girls and he was like, "GOSH.. I'M TRYING TO TRAIN HER IN BUT.. LOOK AT HER!" the front desk girls didn't really say anything to go along with him. he was just an ornery old man. he's probably lucky that he was an old man because if a younger person had said that shit and been talking about me to other people just to look smart- i would've probably made it apparent that i could hear him. i tried to do EVERYTHING he told me to and i did it without falling and/or making a mess- the only real difficulty i couldn't do that i needed him to do it for me was taking these jugs of heavy liquid to another part of the hotel kitchen. i didn't really feel like getting hurt while doing a job, so i asked him if he could assist me- he did but then bitched about it to the front desk girls. i'm not sure this is the same hotel though- all the hotels i've interviewed at basically look the same to me. one of the guys interviewing me at some hotel asked me if he had interviewed me before- i said, "i'm not sure. this place looks familiar but all the hotels look similar." i'm anxious to get familiar with the hospitality industry because i think what i'm doing now at sabathani is relatively dealing with hospitality, so i'm managing to get more people in hotels interested in me. i just hope the people aren't like "OH!.. you AGAIN." and they don't even end up considering me. all i can do is check it out with a good attitude and hope for the best. i should've really told the lady who hired me about the guy who was training me- gossiping about me and let her handle it before just quitting. maybe this is a do-over in life? to see if i handle it differently before just letting it get to me and quitting.

something that bothers me.

something irritates me every now and then.. i'm sure that's one of the reasons i was diagnosed with PTSD from my psychologist. how in the hell did my mom just expect to get away with holding ME in front of HER while my dad was kicking her (from my dream flashbacks- it was just in a nonchalant fashion trying to show my dad why he should calm down when he was angry and violent but also as a SHIELD to shield him from kicking her). i find it kind of weird because my flashbacks are not from MY VIEW (my perspective since I am the one witnessing it).. it's like showing the whole picture of me being held up by my mom in front of my dad while he's kicking her when i was like 4 and i was helpless and naive (i really didn't know what was going on except for my narcissistic mother purposely bringing me into a quarrel between her and my dad because no one seemed to really care when it was just between her and my dad- so she figured if she brought me into it, people might actually give a shit).. nice- a mother that cares about her daughter so much she'd risk her daughter's well-being just to save HERSELF. any other parent that actually cares about their child would try their hardest to remove their child from getting hurt- EVEN IF IT MEANT SACRIFICING THEMSELVES. my mom? NOOO. i was truthfully reminded of this shit when i had my last surgery and a dream i had reminiscing it. kinda like God was trying to show me why i was going through what i was going through. the spawn of satan is not gonna get away with this shit. i figured out that's probably why she is where she is just barely scraping by in life. that's more than likely why she doesn't come across opportunities in life to excel. besides- she's convinced she's too disabled to do anything, so she doesn't feel like she has to try! you know what that's called? LAZY. go get your flying monkeys to lie for you and defend you but it's NOT gonna bring me down to your level. cling to fat amy or your flying monkey niece. i'm getting as FAR as i can from you because you don't wanna see me progress in life- your selfish ass figures she should cling to me since misery loves company. get it from your other daughter. i didn't ask to be your daughter. stop making it worse for me. it's sad because when i told jay about my dreams of you holding me in front of our dad- the first thing he said was, "yeah.. that sounds like something mom would do." because even he experienced your narcissism growing up (i'm sure it was worse for him since he's your least favorite child since he's a boy). he told me a story about how you yelled at him when amy's dad almost poked his eye out when we were younger. you're quite possibly the worst mom in history and I GET DAMNED ENOUGH TO HAVE YOU AS MY MOM! talk about shitty luck. OHHH.. i've only had to have at least two surgeries because of your selfish ass! show me some other kid who had to have surgery on their bowels TWICE because their mom held them in front of their dad while he was kicking them and i'll change my mind. bet your flying monkeys never had their mom hold them in front of their dad while he was kicking them. i don't even want anything to do with your negative ass anymore. you can always manage to find something to bitch about. my friends that read my blog and just jump to the conclusion that i'm overexaggering this anger.. has YOUR mom ever held YOU in front of your dad while he was kicking her? if not- i'm not interested on your thoughts or feelings about this. if you had ANY respect or care for me- you'd empathize and see things from MY point of view. not just because you've never had to experience a parent doing horrible, SELFISH things like this to their own daughter. so you assume she's not capable of anything this stupid, selfish, and careless. i wish i was lying but my body doesn't let me get over it- with all the damn surgeries i've had to have on my abdominal organs/bowel. I'M PROBABLY NOT DONE! I'M PROBABLY BOUND TO SHIT IN A COLOSTOMY BAG SINCE MY PARENTS ARE SELFISH ASS PRICKS! *claps* the thing that really peels my grill is that my selfish ass mom has NEVER once brought this situation up to me. she's probably ashamed of her stupidity and doesn't have any excuse for it. she didn't even see how i was doing the last time i had surgery on my bowel. NOBODY but JOE checked on me in the hospital (he even video chatted with me to see how i was doing). so staying in this state really doesn't matter to my family except they care that it makes them look like a bad family since their own family member doesn't wanna stay in the same state as them. people obviously DON'T give a fuck about my living situation or i guarantee you if they did- they'd be trying to get me out of this state for my own well-being. amanda realizes this reality and is taking advantage of it by not assisting me. "what about how your mom took care of you after your car accident?" THAT WAS BECAUSE MY GRANDMA MADE HER. she can't take responsibility for that because i remember MANY times when i heard her whining to my grandma about taking care of me. she even left me at her house ALONE when i was WHEELCHAIR BOUND just to go to the bar and play pool with her little boyfriend carlos. so can it with that bright idea of a defense for her neglect, flying monkey. PLUS, last i knew- that was basically the responsibility of a CARING PARENT- taking care of your kids when they were sick or injured. she should've just stuck to having dogs.. she'd probably ACTUALLY take care of them.