*JUST* because you're stupid- does *NOT* mean i am too.

for any idiots out there that THINK i'm actually stupid enough to think that courage kenny is the only place that can give me my driver's license (courage kenny obviously does because EVERY time they failed me during my driving test, they ALWAYS commented "needs more therapy"). I WASTED AT LEAST 10 FUCKING YEARS AT THERAPY THERE WITH HOPES THEY'D ACTUALLY HELP ME GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE BACK. I'VE SEEN A GUY WITH ONE LEG WHO HAD HIS DAMN DRIVER'S LICENSE- HE DIDN'T GET IT FROM COURAGE KENNY. i have the videos on facebook to prove i attended that useless excuse of a "rehabilitation facility". i'm NOT stupid like you and i have a LIFE to LIVE. which doesn't consist of looking like a handicap rehabilitation tool JUST to give people the idea that my family is caring and supportive because THEY'RE NOT (except joe). EVERYTHING I DO IS INCONVENIENT FOR THEM. it's really fuckin sad if you need to have a family member WHO IS DISABLED to make you look "caring" because you're not caring naturally. i'm not here to make anyone look good that ISN'T MYSELF. i've been disabled since 2002- i KNOW there are other people who are disabled who got their driver's license and IT WASN'T FROM COURAGE KENNY. just because YOU are naive and have the idea that the only place that gives people who are disabled their driver's license is courage kenny.. does NOT mean I have the same ignorance. my grandma was so wrong about you. she stupidly had the idea that you'd help me in different ways than she thought (which would be attending courage kenny mindlessly). she told me nearly EVERY night i would cry to her about how i was wasting my life doing shit that wasn't helping me at courage kenny, "WHEN I'M GONE- AMANDA WILL HAVE YOU IN NEW YORK! NO MORE COURAGE CENTER!" she had the idea you'd ACTUALLY help me with MY goals since she was aware that she didn't have a clue on how to help me get to new york and she wanted to make sure it was SAFELY this time. you don't have enough sense to realize that though. it's not convenient for you. PLUS- I'M MENTALLY HANDICAPPED LIKE MY MOM- SO I'LL BE GLAD THAT MY KEWLIEZ COUSIN IS JUST TALKING TO ME! (although you never make the time to do that either..) so i'm putting this SHIT you put me through behind me and trying to pick myself up by my bootstraps BECAUSE NO ONE (except joe- who i really didn't expect to help me but it's awesome that he at least cares enough about me to make sure i'm SUCCESSFUL and truly HAPPY being constructive and useful with my life) ELSE will ACTUALLY take the time and effort to actually care and assist me any way they can. THANKS FOR NOTHING, AMANDA. YOU GOT THIS! you know.. this is really bad for my mental health. having people assume i'm acceptive of LESS than what i ACTUALLY want. especially after EVERYTHING i've been through- find me another person who managed to live through SEVEN MONTHS in a coma, AT LEAST 15 YEARS IN A DAMN WHEELCHAIR FOR HER SELFISH FAMILY'S EGOS, and over 10 years of physical therapy (that pathetic excuse of a "rehab facility" courage kenny will just deny it because THEY GET THEIR MONEY FROM GASLIGHTING CLIENTS AND TAKING ADVANTAGE OF CLIENTS WHO LACK KNOWLEDGABLE, CARING ADVOCACY). i'll just continue to build my resume and get to a place which ACTUALLY is able to help me get out of the house and work like an actual, responsible citizen of this country with their accessible and more available transportation. CAN'T EXPECT AMANDA AND/OR ANY OF MY OTHER FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE) TO ASSIST ME AND SUPPORT ME TO BE TRULY HAPPY AND CONSTRUCTIVE. JUST because i used to be in a damn wheelchair does NOT mean that i should stay disabled and handicap just so everyone assumes my family is actually caring and supportive people because THEY'RE THE OPPOSITE. how many other people have moms who have held them in front of their dad while he was kicking them and used them nanchalantly as a shield while attempting to show him why he should calm down? any other CARING parent would do EVERYTHING they could to remove their daughter from that situation SAFELY.. my mom? PFFT. I SAID "CARING".. WHICH SHE IS NOT. I'LL USE MY DAUGHTER'S BODY AS A SHIELD AND PLAY DUMB (ALTHOUGH SHE DOESN'T REALLY NEED TO "PLAY")! proof that this happened and i'm not making this up, you ask? the TWO bowel surgeries i've had to have in my life. i distinctly remember my grandma saying under her breath after i had my first perforrated bowel surgery, "well she did get in the middle of a fight between her parents and she accidentally got kicked while her mom had her in her arms and was turning away." so my grandma KNEW what went on and she purposely condoned it, so people wouldn't assume my mom was a bad mom. after i got a blocked bowel, i looked up on google how people get blocked bowels and it said people get blocked bowels when there's trauma inflicted on the abdomen region.. LIKE A FOOT KICKING A MOM WHILE THE MOM IS SELFISHLY USING THEIR BODY AS A SHIELD SO HER STUPID ASS DOESN'T GET KICKED?! "Yes, a person can get a blocked bowel from trauma to the abdomen, though it is less common than other causes like prior surgery. Blunt or penetrating force to the stomach area can harm the intestines and lead to a mechanical blockage or functional slowdown." i was sitting at my computer the first time i felt the pain before i got taken to gilette when they determined i had a blocked bowel. the fact that i'm sure i've told this story many times before on my blog and my "friends" still seem to think i'm the crazy one for wanting to get as far away from the mother from hell justifies the reason why i'm leaving and have absolutely NO desire to appease amanda's careless, selfish ass by wasting MORE of my fucking life at courage kenny. i've had recurring dreams about being held in front of my dad while he was kicking my mom- which is a symptom of PTSD. so LOOK! my mom DID give me something! PTSD! the SAME PSYCHOLOGICAL MENTAL CONDITION THAT PEOPLE WHO HAVE FOUGHT IN WARS EXPERIENCE! and just ANOTHER reason why i'm getting as far away from the mother from hell AS POSSIBLE. the doctors tested me MANY times after my car accident to see if i had PTSD because of all the shit i've been through in life- i wasn't diagnosed with it until after i had this last surgery on my blocked bowel, when i had recurring dreams about being kicked by my dad because the mother from hell held me in front of her to block him from kicking her. "what about how she took care of you after your car accident?" GRANDMA MADE HER, flying monkey- MIND YOUR BUSINESS. i remember hearing SEVERAL calls of her whining to grandma about having to take care of me. she even left me at her apartment several times alone while she went to the bar and played pool with her little boyfriend carlos while i was in a wheelchair at the beginning of my traumatic brain injury- before i told my grandma about it and she bitched her out and eventually came into town to sit with me while the mother from hell went out to the bar. I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR THIS SHITTY EXCUSE OF "PARENTING"! *rolls eyes* stfu. just because YOU have "caring" parents- does NOT mean that everyone else has parents who actually care for their kids and have their well-being in mind. i'm convinced that my mom was NOT (and probably still isn't) mature enough to have children. what a coincidence! my dad wasn't either!.. i didn't know him personally because my grandpa chased him to mexico after he accidentally kicked me.. i have a feeling he drank a lot. i think i remember my grandma telling me that. don't you EVER get the stupid idea that i'll THANK you for NOT helping me either. for some reason i'm getting that's the stupid shit you'll try to pull outta your ass to hide your ignorance and lack of knowledge of the things that my grandma was expecting you to have. AFTER 11 YEARS ON THE 22ND I'M STILL IN THE SAME STATE. you didn't help me get outta that shithole in burnsville- i was the one who had to act rambunctious to get told i needed to leave that smokey ass apartment. my grandma used to lie to me every night on the phone during the last few months of her life, saying, "AMANDA WILL GET YOU TO NEW YORK WHEN I'M DEAD! NO MORE COURAGE CENTER!" she forgot the most important detail- you could care less about me, her, or WHERE I WANT TO LIVE!.. silly her.

just looking to be *ACTUALLY* constructive and useful.

alright.. i just went to sabathani to volunteer at the front desk and i USED to be assigned on tuesdays and thursdays until someone told me like 2 months ago at least that they didn't need me on thursdays anymore. i thought, "alright.. they're giving other people opportunities. that's fine- it'll give me more time to work on getting an actual job." but then like 2 weeks ago, i went to sabathani to volunteer on thursday again and no one else was there- so i kinda figured that they didn't get someone else to volunteer that day and they might not have wanted to ask me to volunteer there more since i asked about possibly getting compensated for volunteering and they figured i was only about getting paid. i am not strictly expecting to get paid from there because i'm pretty sure my job coach said that no one that works there gets paid, so i thought to myself, "why should i be any different?". i'm pretty sure that volunteering there DOES happen to make me look more qualified to employers though because employers would very RARELY contact me about being interested in hiring me before i started volunteering there but now after i've volunteered there for a while- more people are actually asking me for interviews and are interested in hiring me. it's also good experience for working the jobs i'm interested in working. with that said- i DID manage to schedule a phone interview for an office administrator job next week about 15 minutes ago. since the woman at the salvation army made a comment about how my work experience were really only office jobs and she was looking for people with experience in retail, so i took my chances and applied to this job and they're ACTUALLY interested enough to schedule a phone interview with me. so i'm HOPEFULLY getting somewhere in getting hired again, since i see that office jobs will actually be interested in hiring me. i've been getting a couple phone interviews lately though and they don't lead to anything though. hopefully that's not the situation now.

mammogram results

i also just received a letter summing up my mammogram. it says that the results of my breast imaging are NORMAL. breast tissue can either be dense or not dense. dense tissue makes it harder to find breast cancer on a mammogram and also raises the risk of breast cancer. guess who's privileged enough to have DENSE BREAST TISSUE?! that's right.. genetics fuck me again- my mammogram results state that MY breast tissue IS DENSE. just my luck. i kinda figured that would be the case since my grandma had breast cancer in BOTH of her breasts. so my risk of getting breast cancer is also increased!.. whatever- have to die some way or another eventually. hopefully not of breast cancer but my risks are increased. that does NOT mean that i should "stay in minnesota because they're the best for healthcare" either! i'm more than positive boston has a great health care system. so take your lies to the first aisle of k-mart and SHOVE IT. i'm not an idiot that will believe anything my naive ass cooliez cousin says. where'd you get your MD? the beauty school of how-to-falsely-promise-my-cousin-things-i-can't-do- so i LIE to her?! i feel stupid just for believing she'd actually help me get where i can be TRULY HAPPY. not just because it's convenient for HER. i stupidly didn't realize you don't have the intelligence or desire to help a vulnerable cousin in need. WELP! BETTER GO LAUGH AT HER STUPIDITY WITH DUSTIN! AIN'T THAT RIGHT?! such cousinly LOVE. just another reason that inclines my desire to move.

reason for what i do.

to expand on my last post- i REQUIRE ADVOCACY because i happen to have a TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY and for the ignorant, entitled cousins who have never had to deal with health problems that debilatates her so bad that she needs someone to speak for her because people assume she's not capable of making decisions/speaking for herself. IF they DID think i was capable of speaking for myself and making my own decisons- DON'T YOU FUCKIN THINK AFTER TWENTY TWO FUCKIN YEARS I'D BE WHERE I WANT TO BE?! you probably assume i'm a pushover like my mom since we both require others to speak for us. so you're NOT helping AT ALL. if you were as god damn smart as you act like you are- YOU'D KNOW THAT.
i've tried to call the reason for my traumatic brain injury and he's too good to answer the phone. sure.. he could be busy but every time i try to call him lately- HE'S TOO GOOD TO ANSWER THE PHONE. he used to answer the phone.. so i'm sure he was influenced by his perfect mom, wife, and sister. must be nice to have those. however- also, the difference between when he actually answered the phone and now when he doesn't answer the phone- i'm pretty sure he didn't have knowledge of how fucking selfish and toxic of a person my mom was and how she was the cause of TWO of my abdominal surgeries in life so far. it was just easier to go with his mom's assumptions that i was an ungrateful, evil, wild girl who is corrupting her precious son to do evil things like drink and drive! considering i did NOT make him drink the beer and drive during the accident which NEARLY killed me but killed his friend in the back seat. also- the fact that i did NOT have a drop of alcohol in my system to paralyze my immune system like the driver did should mean SOMETHING to ANYONE with a functioning BRAIN. so i end up feeling the effects of the car accident and sustaining a traumatic brain injury. beer wreaks and if you drink too much of it- you act like an idiot. HOW TEMPTING!.. i think not. CONSIDERING I WAS IN A COMA FOR SEVEN MONTHS AND THE CROCS AT BUFFALO'S HOSPITAL DECLARED ME A VEGETABLE AND TOLD MY GRANDMA AND MOM THEY SHOULD DISCONNECT THE LIFE SUPPORT BECAUSE IF I EVER CAME OUTTA THE COMA- I'D BE A VEGETABLE ALL MY LIFE. JUST PROOF OF THE LACK OF INTELLIGENCE BUFFALO HAS. BUT NONE OF THAT MATTERS TO HIS FAMILY- JUST AS LONG AS THEIR PERFECT SON IS OKAY- HE COULDN'T HAVE POSSIBLY DONE ANYTHING WRONG! IT CAN'T POSSIBLY BE HIS FAULT!.. i do EVERYTHING in life for a reason. NOT JUST FOR "FUN" OR TO BE WILD. there's a purpose to everything i do. i was trying to get away from people who clearly don't care about me unless my grandma tells them to do it (and she's dead now) and so they look "caring" in front of everyone else (which they are NOT because EVERYTHING i ask for seems to inconvenience them and they don't take the iniative of seeing how they can help me anymore now that my grandma is dead). except for my cousin joe. IF PEOPLE ACTUALLY LISTENED TO PEOPLE WITH BRAIN INJURIES- NO WAY WOULD I STILL BE IN THIS STATE.

advocacy? *CRICKETS*

i went to the interview at the hotel i had an interview scheduled at today and the hotel DID look familiar.. but that really doesn't say much since basically all hotels look familiar if you think about it. when i got there, i walked where i figured the front desk was and i told them i was there for an interview, the FIRST thing they asked, pretty much assuming they were correct but asking to be sure, "you here for a housekeeping interview?" then i said, "no.. front desk." then they said, "oh! we'll get her and tell her you're here for an interview!" then i said, "ok." because- in case you're unaware, MOST hotel housekeepers are hispanic ladies. all the housekeepers i seen there were little hispanic ladies. the lady who interviewed me didn't say anything about interviewing me before though.. so i'm still not sure. she asked me some questions in her office and i answered them. she did bring up what i was sure she'd bring up too since it DID take more than just 15 minutes to get there. "so where do you live?" and i said, "st. paul." then she said, "oh. how'd you get here?" then i said, "lyft." then she said, "well.. that'll probably get expensive paying for lyft all the time.." then i said, "well, my insurance pays for it." they might as well, seeing as they can't even fuckin pay for the RESOURCES and ADVOCACY to get my fuckin driver's license BACK after it expired- I DIDN'T HAVE IT TAKEN AWAY FOR ERRATIC DRIVING OR ANY OTHER REASON THAT WOULD'VE BEEN MY FAULT. the thought of interviewing for housekeeping briefly came to mind- then i remembered my BRAIN INJURY and how i would more than likely get hurt doing housekeeping. IT DOESN'T MATTER TO AMANDA AND THE REST OF MY FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE)! JUST AS LONG AS I ACT DISABLED AND ATTEND SOME OVERRATED PATHETIC EXCUSE OF A "REHAB. FACILITY" KNOWN AS COURAGE KENNY LIKE ALL THE OTHER DISABLED PEOPLE TO GET THEM ATTENTION AND SYMPATHY! the second i got a tbi- i lost my right to live life like a REGULAR, HEALTHY person.. RIGHT AMANDA?! I BELONG AT COURAGE KENNY WHERE THEY JUST WANT TO KEEP ME LOOKING AND FUNCTIONING AS DISABLED AS POSSIBLE SO THEY CAN LOOK LIKE THEY'RE ACTUALLY FUCKING DOING THEIR JOBS EVEN IF THEY AREN'T REALLY HELPING THEM ESPECIALLY IF THEY DON'T HAVE PEOPLE WHO ARE KNOWLEDGABLE AND CARING ADVOCATING FOR THEM- TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE VULNERABLE CLIENTS WITH A LACK OF PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THEM! (WHICH MOST DISABLED PEOPLE DON'T HAVE BECAUSE THE PEOPLE WHO CARE FOR THEM ASSUME THAT COURAGE KENNY WILL HELP WITH ADVOCATING AS WELL AS REHABILITATION!). i'm DONE with courage kenny's bullshit (PROOF I ATTENDED THERE IS ON MY FACEBOOK TIMELINE IF THE MUSKRAT DIDN'T GET THEM TO TAKE IT DOWN). you CAN get your damn driver's license when you're disabled and NOT attend courage kenny! I KNOW OF MANY FUCKING PEOPLE WHO ARE DISABLED WHO DIDN'T WASTE THEIR TIME THERE. IF YOU ACTUALLY CARED- YOU'D FUCKIN ASSIST ME IN GETTING IT AGAIN. i'm not pretending that you're actually fucking helping me because as far as i'm concerned- YOU HAVEN'T DONE SHIT. I had to make a scene just to get kicked out of the shithole in burnsville so people would ACTUALLY help me find somewhere else to live. it's probably on my renting record now. JUST HAVE TO GO TO A DIFFERENT STATE SO I CAN ACTUALLY FIND AN APARTMENT THAT WILL ACCEPT ME! so in reality- it's amanda and the rest of the people who supposedly care about me to help me find somewhere i can be truly constructive and safe while being satisfied with living where i am who have ALWAYS been the REAL PROBLEM. WHICH- *GASP* DOESN'T INCLUDE ATTENDING FUCKING COURAGE KENNY! those jackasses only care about taking advantage of my LACK of CARING advocacy which i was TOLD would be amanda- by the person who naively advocated for me before but died of lung cancer! so i'm actually getting punished for her lung cancer also! I'M JUST A FUCKING INCONVENIENCE FOR ACTUALLY WANTING TO LIVE MY LIFE THE WAY I WANT. thanks so much amanda! YOU HAVE HELPED ME TO SEE EXACTLY HOW MUCH MY FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE AND JAY) DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME IF IT DOESN'T BENEFIT THEM AND/OR MAKE THEM FALSELY APPEAR LIKE THEY ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME. YOU GOT THIS! YOU HELP MY MENTAL HEALTH SO MUCH! *ROLLS EYES* i've basically cut off one of my best friends for my mental health, don't you dare think for a second that you couldn't be next. that goes for my mom too.. even though i've pretty much cut her ass off too.

i actually get new spectacles!

i just got back from the eye doctor. they examined my eyes and asked me what letters i could see- i'm not sure if my eyes got worse but she said the prescription was different than my previous. my eyes are really blurry after the exam, i'm assuming that's because they dilate my eyes with that shit. the glasses i picked out are thinner frames than my previous glasses- i figured i'd do something different than before. i'm pretty sure i remember having glasses similar to the ones i picked out today. the optician always seems to point out how the glasses i pick out bring out my eyes. my eyes' irises actually look red to me.. which would explain why my last glasses' frames were a reddish color. this time- i think they're also reddish but thinner and more professional looking. the optician said i'll get them in 3 weeks. red eyes.. haha.. i'm possessed or something.

eye appointment

i have to leave for an eye appointment in like 15 minutes. i think it's just a check-up. i'm not sure if i'm eligible for new glasses yet. i don't THINK there's anything wrong with my glasses now. there's always room for improvement i suppose though.
tomorrow i have an interview at a hotel. i'm pretty sure i've interviewed at a while ago since it sounds familiar. it's either the same hotel that i was late for and the lady gave me a lecture about how she showed up for all her interviews an hour before time or it might be the hotel i was gonna work at but quit during training because the guy training me in for a different job than i applied for was frustrated while training me and he was gossiping about me to the front desk girls. it just sounds familiar but i'm sure they have new workers there by now because it was so long ago.

Pictures?

don't SCRATCH.

i'm not sure what this little patch of red bumps on the front of my right shoulder/arm pit is. i think i mentioned them on my blog a few days ago and i STILL have them. they itch and i tried scratching them a few days ago to see what would happen and they started to sting and it got red.. so, i stopped scratching them. i'm talking to joe right now and seeing if he knows what it is- i even took a cellphone pic of them. i just need to schedule an appointment with a dermatologist tomorrow and see if fredrick can get me some topical steroid cream that joe recommended for me- to stop the itch. it doesn't itch as much because i just look at my arm pit and start bitching about how much it itches and it goes away. HOPEFULLY i get relief soon.- okay, i see i wrote about this FOUR days ago and i still don't have this problem solved. i'm always busy lately though.. i just may have to squeeze a visit to urgent care soon if i can't make an actual appointment.

finding things out about me..

well, needless to say- i don't think that i got that job. i'm not sure if it's because that "elizabeth" person she referred to was the same elizabeth at camp or just because she figured since i didn't have work experience in retail.. i'd be a bad fit? who knows? i'm not really disappointed.. the work environment really wasn't what i preferred anyway. she made a point in observing how most of my work experience was office type environments anyway. i found out on indeed that i didn't get the job but i remember the lady i interviewed with telling me she'd get back to me on monday or tuesday.. whatever- not putting too much confidence in it anyway.
i just got back from spanish and the spanish tutor there made the observation and was actually shocked that he noticed how i could understand what he was saying in spanish, i just wasn't sure of how to respond in spanish back. he seemed kinda impressed and said that was something he could work with. it's like i can understand spanish but i'm not fully confident in my response back in spanish which he said was more than likely my problem with confidence in knowledge. *gasp* it's like i was in an ACCIDENT and only have HALF the knowledge i need!.. i DID get in the car accident that i was in during the summer of 10th grade which was the second summer break of spanish classes (since i took spanish class in ninth and tenth grade). i'm not sure if there's any connection there but it kinda makes a little more sense. i told him how i had listened to a spanish tv channel on one of my plane ride trips either going to new york or coming back from it and understood most of it. i also told him about the few incidents where i had people call me in spanish at sabathani or asking if sabathani had a translator for spanish and i was somewhat able to help them. hopefully that helped him still have confidence to teach me and not assume i'm too handicap to understand a foreign language and there's no hope. i'm interested in any new skill i can understand and grasp. spanish looks to be a knack for me. cool.

latest interview

i just had an interview with goodwill and i made a mistake AS USUAL. i DID manage to remember my interview questions and ask them (unlike last interview at a hotel last week). the interview went well in my opinion- i'm not sure i really impressed her though. when she asked me if i had worked with donating things, i said, "yeah." right away but then she asked me what i had worked with specifically. i honestly feel like i've worked with donating every day items but maybe it was just interviews because i can't think of a specific job with donations until i just remembered the very first job i worked at was at pc's for people and that company deals with donated computers. i cleaned out keyboards and made sure they were in good shape to donate. i need to see if i can email the lady and tell her. i'm not sure it will matter but i always have a different interview scheduled next week at a hotel. so i'm not completely hopeless yet.