trying to move to a place where people *ACTUALLY* do their *JOBS*

i just met with ics and he changed my clocks for me and reminded me to check my email about when the meeting about me moving to boston was. my case manager sent an email to me also, stating she won't be present when we're having this meeting. i'm not really sure why- my previous case manager, gregory, was at all the meetings about when i wanted to move to new york and even offered some resources (doing his JOB PROPERLY). i'm pretty sure a lot of these pca agencies would also prefer to speak to a case manager when dealing with someone moving but i've just been advocating for myself and these people who i speak to at the pca agencies are actually PROFESSIONAL and they act willing to help me and answer any questions while NOT assuming i'm mentally handicapped (UNLIKE certain relatives who act too entitled to be "advocating" for me when they told their deceased aunt they would), so they'd be trying to take advantage of my situation. i did NOT get that impression from any of them and they didn't give me the feeling that i was bothering them or not being serious about why i called. i hope that i can just get what i need to get done without my case manager because if i can't- then i'll be researching who i CAN talk to who will actually do their damn jobs.

i'll just do it MYSELF like always.

i took a shower, then ate while fredrick went to the store to pick up my meds and some groceries. so i remembered that my psychologist wrote down for the ics workers to assist me in making a list of pca agencies in boston and calling them to find out if they have waittimes and about if they'd assist me and other questions i might have. i called ics and the ics worker came to my place, i had planned on having a phone conversation with my trustee about moving plans and she emailed me back (because last night in bed, i emailed her saying that i thought an in-person meeting might be more appropriate for such a big decision) and she agreed with me- so we scheduled that meeting in 2 weeks. then i came to my computer and i opened the list i had started for pca agencies in boston. i called three pca agencies and i had to leave a message for 2 of them. the other one gave me prices for their services and we had a conversation about what kind of assistance i needed. a little after i got off the phone with the one who answered, one of the two agencies that i left a message for returned my call. i asked them how much their services were and i told them information about me and they asked me questions. i think that both of the women i spoke to about pca services asked me why i wanted to move to boston from minnesota and i told them that i just took a trip there and it was an interesting place and it seemed like there'd be more opportunities for me there compared to minnesota. i think both of them asked me if i had family there and i said, "no.. but it's not like they really help me now here." so i'm pretty sure they were both surprised that i wanted to move from minnesota but they got the picture of why i want to move there. so i'm not sure if i surprised them with the fact that not EVERYONE in minnesota feels they have opportunities. OH SURE. I HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK LIKE A MINDLESS HANDICAPPED IDIOT THAT GOES TO SOME SAD EXCUSE OF A "REHABILITATION" CENTER WHO TAKES ADVANTAGE OF THEIR UNADVOCATED VULNERABLE CLIENTS! WHAT A LIFE!.. NOT. no wonder why i have PTSD.

did i judge correctly?

i was just thinking on the other hand, i'm pretty sure amy was calling me to see what time she should be at my place for the meeting since it's obviously important. this meeting could determine where i ultimately end up for many years and she probably expected me to expect her to be at my place for it. i didn't wanna seem so demanding and/or inconvenience anyone with my life. i forgot to remember that these people get paid to ensure i'm making wise and safe decisions. staying here in minnesota has lead to nothing but depression and a remainder of the time unemployed. i hope i can be more constructive in concord. i also hope i made the correct decision by telling amy i just wanted to have our first meeting about living in massachusetts only a phone interview. the ics tried to reassure me and told me that it should be alright. i'm not sure if i should take their advice because i'm unsure if they're just trying to help themselves and the meeting goes wrong because she would've understood better PERSONALLY. i'm probably just overthinking though. i hope that if the meeting needs more information, we can just have an in-person meeting afterward. i anticipate there to be more than one meeting that's pertaining to me moving to massachusetts though. this is probably the first- even though i don't want it to be a disaster so they just decide to try to talk me into staying in an opportunity-less state with support from most of my family (which is the ONLY reason why i'm even here) only when it's convenient/beneficial for them (except joe- he's the only family member who actually talks to me now). i'm sick of wasting my potential for people that don't even support/care for me when it's convenient/beneficial for THEM.

WHO has to deal with the consequences of these choices? ME. so mind your own.

amy emailed me back and asked if i wanted to have an in-person meeting or if a phone conversation about what i'll all need to live in boston was okay because that's what she had planned. i don't really see any reason why i should have an in-person meeting to discuss this that can't be discussed over the phone.. not right away anyway- so i said a phone conversation during my ics meeting tomorrow seemed alright to me. i mentioned my frustration with how ics gave the people at the boston housing business the impression that i needed more assistance than i ACTUALLY do (they probably assume it's better to have more help than not enough help). however- it's not fair because it impedes on my independence and more than likely privacy because i've ALREADY had 24 hour pca assistance when i lived in minneapolis and some of the time in burnsville (i think most of the time). fredrick's hours got cut down to only five hours a day with me now- i don't wanna be forced to go back in my progress just because it's more convenient for other people to ignore everything i've already been through and make money off of "helping" me when i don't even really need that much help. for instance- i'm sure boston or massachusetts in general has a similar system to what i use now for emergencies (my health alert necklace that i press if i need help in emergencies). plus- whenever i fall, i always manage to make sure (as much as i can) to avoid hitting my head and finding a way to get back up on my own. i don't honestly remember the last time i had to press the button. i'll never get outta this state and live MY own damn life if people keep advertently ignoring what I'VE ALREADY done in my life just for the convenience of people who don't have to deal with all the consequences of the choices being made. by taking away my choices and independence will NOT make going back to a state based on assistance look anymore damn appealing to me- it'll more than likely irritate me more and i'll make people sorry that they didn't help me move OUT of this state. i'm AWARE of what i'm getting myself into and the fact that you assume i'm not irritates the fuck outta me. i'm NOT YOU. i am my own person who has obviously experienced more than you if you're gonna make these stupid ignorant assumptions about me. don't assume you'll scare me either. i'm not as naive as you or my mom.
i'm pretty sure i discovered how the person who stole money from me got access to my lockbox. i used to have TWO copies of my lockbox keys on my lanyard and no one has given me problems about this before because i've had them both on my lanyard ever since i lived in burnsville i think. i asked douglas if he knew where the other copy of the lockbox keys were and he said, "no you know where they are. i need to go to sleep, i have work at 4." i don't "know where they are" because if i did- i wouldn't be asking him. so there's another suspect. it disgusts me to see people think they can steal from a person- who is disabled and basically unemployed when the thief more than likely is employed and not disabled. i do EVERYTHING i can to help other people when they need help. i end up getting stole from. whatever. they'll get theirs.

still preparing..

i got up and got ready for my eye appointment, then i called my lyft ride. the lyft vehicle came and picked me up and brought me to the eye doctor. the eye doctor said my eyes looked good and i didn't need to change the prescription in my glasses.
then i came home and had lunch and took a shower. i called the ics # and abdul told me that i didn't have ics until after the meeting he claimed amy called the ics office to tell them i'm having an interview on friday to talk about what i'll need to move to boston. i asked him what time the meeting was and he said he didn't know- so he may be lying just to get outta having ics with me or he doesn't know but i really don't see amy telling them she's having a meeting with the ics workers and i with no planned exact time.
then i started making my list of pca providers in massachusetts, so in case we actually do have the interview- i'm prepared. i thought i found some at work yesterday but i can't find them on my cell phone (i didn't actually make an ACTUAL list.. i just assumed they'd save in open windows in thumbnails).
i checked my lock box and fredrick claims that no money is missing. i don't remember exactly how much i had the last time i checked- so i'm just gonna take his word for it because i know he doesn't like douglas and he's telling me it's all there when he could've got me pissed off at douglas by telling me i had more money.

The.. all I am is a bank?

i just woke up this morning and realized that douglas and the girl that he had with him the last time he was here, were more than likely stealing from my lock box. i found the keys to my lockbox in my couch the other day and i remember the girl quickly moving the bag that i had my keys in like she was quick trying to hide something and over $100 dollars was missing from it another time i checked and douglas had just been at my place. i'm going to check the lockbox with fredrick when he comes at 7:30.

trying to stay prepared.

i went to sabathani today and worked the desk. before i went there- i had a job interview for a concierge position at some assisted living home for older people. the major reason why i'm not sure they'll hire me is because it took so long for lyft to pick me up- i think i was around an hour late but LUCKILY the lady was still there and interviewed me, she didn't even bring up my tardiness at any time during the interview. she asked me if i had any experiences around older people- business or personal and i told her that i was basically raised by my grandparents from the age of 12 on until i got in a car accident and while i was in my coma, my mom and grandma put me in an assisted living home for elderly people since they didn't wanna put me in a nursing home. i told them about how my grandma told me that my grandpa, who died of ALS, told my grandma that he absolutely didn't want me to go to a nursing home. so i think i probably gained a few points from my experience with elderly people? i remembered when i left the interview that i forgot to tell her about how i lived in an assisted living program for elderly people in minneapolis the very first apartment i lived in minneapolis. so that probably would've gained me a lot of points being personally familiar with what goes on in apartments like the one i had the interview at today. i told the ics workers that my psychologist wrote down that they should help me make a list of pca's in boston, call the pca agencies and ask them wait time for services. abdul said to me, "do you know what you should do now?" and i said, "no.. what?" then he said, "google pca agencies in boston and the numbers." that was right before i went to sabathani so i didn't really have much time to look into them. i did look on my cell phone to see if i'd get a list and i did, so i'm gonna make a list on my computer so hopefully i can just print them out. abdul also told me that my trustee wrote them an email saying she wanted to schedule a meeting to talk about the things i need to live in boston on friday but i assumed she sent me the same email, so i checked BOTH of my emails and i couldn't find any. so hopefully i get something arranged because that particular meeting would be helpful.
i have to go to the eye doctor tomorrow for a yearly check-up i think.. i don't THINK there's anything wrong with my eyes (other than the fact i'm near-sighted).

EVERYONE IS *DIFFERENT*! NEWSFLASH TO ENTITLED, IGNORANT MOMS.

i received a text message from some apartment and i have an interview tomorrow at 11:30. i hope i can get this job. i forgot to write it on my calendar when i made it, so it's a good thing they texted me to remind me of the interview tomorrow. my psychologist said when she was trying to come up with reasons to make me different from my mom that i've gotten jobs and i still keep confident enough to look for more jobs. besides that- i'm not as ignorant as her and i NEVER will be. i realize people are different and God made everyone UNIQUE for a reason. which is different than the ignorant entitled vibes i get from her. the only people that i can possibly think she got it from is my grandma because my grandpa didn't show any racism whatsoever in ANY of his actions.. her and/or my mom's siblings.. i'm pretty sure i heard troy say the "n" word a time or two and if troy says that shit- i'm pretty much guaranteeing todd was the same way.. especially coming from wyoming where i experienced racism MYSELF when i was younger when we took a trip there from my uncle's wife's younger relatives. i think i'll look over the job that i'm interviewing for tomorrow to just remind me of the tasks you're expected to do working there. plus- it's probably too much work for my mom NOT to be an ignorant, entitled bigot.

box of problems.

i just met with my psychologist and she listened to my complaints about people advertantly ignoring what I need to do to get this housing/apartment in massachusetts. i was in tears while explaining my frustration with the situation. my psychologist asked me what we could do to address the situation and if we could call the housing agency and see if they could move my name down on the list so i'd have time to get the things i need to arrange my services and needs to live there. LUCKILY we got ahold of the (i think) caretaker lady that i wrote down to call with my ics anyway. she was really understanding and said they're working on getting me down a little on the waitlist so it doesn't take another 4-5 years to come up on the list. my psychologist wrote down a list of things i need to arrange and who i need to call to get pca services because that's about the only service i'd require. the lady we spoke to asssumed i needed 24 hour care and then i said, "no.. i only have pca services for 5 hours here."- so my guess is that amy tried to make me seem as vulnerable and helpless as possible so it'd take longer to find the services and seem more unlikely for me, then she said, "OH! good! we have clients here that have pca's for only 5 hours too!" then she must've been looking at some site for service requests from massachusetts because she said, "OH! i see you're on the waitlist for pca services here too!" zen helped put me on the list last week or the week before (i think). so i guess all i need to continue to do is keep my head up. my psychologist said whenever i get negative thoughts about everyone assuming i'll be like my mom- picture putting all those thoughts in a box and putting them away in the back of my closet. i need to keep that in mind because i think that might be the cause of A LOT of my problems. while i was crying, i expressed my fear of turning into EXACTLY what my mom is and my psychologist said, "well.. you could use that as an advantage to you to motivate you to NEVER become what she is." then i said, "i've honestly been doing that since i was in a wheelchair. anytime i come to decisions or think of what i need to do- i always do EXACTLY what my mom WOULDN'T do." then my psychologist said to me, "oh! well just continue to do that then! you've got this down!" i just wish shit worked for me faster though because i'm afraid i'll get so old that people will be anxious to shove me in a damn nursing home to appear as "caring" family members for their convenience and i KNOW if it's up to amanda- THAT'LL BE MY DESTINATION.

STOP *ACTING* LIKE YOU'RE DOING YOUR JOBS BY *NOT* DOING YOUR DAMN JOBS.

i've had it. amy acts like finding housing is an easy thing to do.. it might be easy in stupid ass states like minnesota but I TOLD HER I'VE BEEN A MEMBER OF THE HOUSING COMPANY SINCE 2022. THAT'S A LITTLE MORE THAN 3 YEARS. I AM AWARE THAT I AM FORTY YEARS OLD. I DON'T HAVE ALL THE FUCKIN TIME IN THE WORLD TO ACCOMODATE YOUR NEEDS BECAUSE THIS IS MY LIFE AND YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING YOUR JOB. you act like i just woke up one day and was like, "OO BOSTON AND NEW YORK LOOK LIKE COOL PLACES TO LIVE! I WANNA LIVE THERE!" NONONO.. this has been MY dream and goal since i was FIFTEEN years old. i even ALMOST died trying to complete it when i was sixteen. i do know what i want and it's NOT to live off social security, drink pepsi, and smoke cigarette after cigarette while living in subsidized housing in minnesota.. SO GO FUCK YOURSELVES IF YOU HAVE THAT IN MIND FOR ME- AMANDA, MY MOM, AND AMY. i've BUSTED my ass off in rehabilitation therapy at the courage center, went to a few colleges, and worked a few jobs NOT to just be satisfied living in minnesota where it's more convenient for people who just pay attention to me when it's convenient and/or beneficial for THEM when it's NOT THEIR LIVES. i hope jem can see why the hell it took so damn long just to get where i am today. I'M NOT GONNA BE SATISFIED FOR JUST "GOOD ENOUGH" BECAUSE I'VE BEEN THROUGH WAY TOO MUCH SHIT IN LIFE TO GET LESS THAN WHAT I TRULY FUCKING DESERVE. "I'M NOT GONNA TALK TO YOU IF YOU SWEAR AND YELL AT ME." WELL- DO YOUR DAMN JOB CORRECTLY AND YOU WON'T HAVE TO. heh.. when i think back to people asking me why i don't be a lawmaker- this is an example here.. i have a temper and i'd be too vulgar for the government. i guess the only good thing about today would be i get to talk to my psychologist today about how much i fuckin hate my life. it pisses me off that amy acts like finding housing is easy on the east coast and i'm sure she knows it isn't but she's acting like it is to trick an idiot like me into thinking it is when i know IT'S NOT. SHE'S LIKE ALL THOSE ASSHOLES AT THE COURAGE CENTER WHO UNDERESTIMATE MY INTELLIGENCE AND ABILITIES AND JUST TRY TO KEEP ME FROM PROGRESSING FOR THEIR DAMN CONVENIENCE WHEN THEY CAN JUST SHOVE ME IN A NURSING HOME SOON! i hate amy, my mom, amanda, my fat sister, and all those other fuckin idiots who act like i'm the stupid one and are just trying to keep me from progressing because they don't wanna see someone actually doing something with their fuckin lives because people would wonder why they didn't do things that were as hard to do with their lives also and because i don't deserve to be truly happy with my life if they aren't because MISERY LOVES COMPANY. get me a new trustee.. brian would've never pulled this shit from his ass. you're all selfish pricks. what do i have to do in order to live MY life the way I want? DIE? BECAUSE THAT CAN BE DONE AND I'M GONNA MAKE SURE THAT EVERYONE WHO'S NOT HELPING ME GET WHAT THE FUCK THEY DESERVE.

i've had it.

i read my email and i got an email from amy.. she was talking to zen (the ics worker) and asked him if the people at the number we called to ask about insurance said how long it'd take for my insurance to kick in. i KNOW she asked him this question on the phone during our last ics meeting and he told her what they told him (that it'd kick in within 24 hrs. and the waiver services could take 3-4 months to kick in).. HOWEVER- that'd totally defeat the purpose of her dragging her feet by asking questions she ALREADY ASKED, so it takes longer and i'll miss the deadline. IF i happen to miss this opportunity at this apartment, i'm gonna promise you that i WILL be switching banks so i have a different trustee. i've also told my cousin joe (the ONLY cousin who REALLY cares about me because he supports MY goals and choices) and he said i should file a complaint and he asked which bank she works at. stop trying to distract me, so i miss the deadline because YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO YOUR FUCKIN JOB PROPERLY. i suppose i could take advantage of people underestimating my intelligence and pull some shit under your noses.. amanda and amy- since you both seem to think you're smarter than me and shut down all of my goals and aspirations JUST for your convenience so YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOW CONCERN AT ALL AND TO MAKE MY SITUATION IN LIFE EASIER FOR YOU (TOTALLY IGNORING THE FACT THAT THIS IS MY LIFE- NOT WHATEVER'S MORE CONVENIENT AND BENEFICIAL TO YOU OR TO MAKE ME INTO A MINI-TRACY TO MAKE THINGS EASIER FOR US (amanda and my mom) IN LIFE BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING BUT HER DAMN DOGS, SMOKING CIGARETTES, AND DRINKING PEPSI). another reason why i want to get the hell outta this stupid state because you're both entitled pretentious pricks who act like you're concerned about me just to make yourselves look good when it benefits you. drop the bullshit before i DROP BOTH OF YOU. i register for massachusetts housing back in 2022 and i was told my name would come up in like 10 years- NOW THAT IT COMES UP.. NO ONE WANTS TO DO THEIR DAMN JOBS AND ASSIST ME WITH TAKING THE OPPORTUNITY. AMY CLAIMS, "OH YOU JUST APPLIED TO THIS A FEW MONTHS AGO? WE CAN JUST REJECT IT AND WAIT 3-5 YEARS!" no.. this is MY life- NOT WHATEVER IS MORE CONVENIENT FOR YOU AND PEOPLE WHO ARE TOO ENTITLED AND BUSY TO CARE ABOUT WHAT I WANT'S LIFE. I'LL BE FORTY FUCKIN YEARS OLD IN JULY AND I HAVEN'T EVEN GOT MARRIED OR HAD KIDS YET. so you have the opportunity to actually do your job CORRECTLY and make sure i have a travel pca along with airline tickets by friday (when the deadline was pushed back to) or i'm getting a new bank to handle my trust and/or speaking to your supervisor- which brian always told me that he was the supervisor when i asked him for his supervisor's #.. so i could try to contact brian or the bank itself and figure it out. my cousin joe would help me because he actually cares about me- UNLIKE THE REST OF MY SELFISH FAMILY MEMBERS.