transition?

well.. i just called amy to tell her about how i'm getting sick from the mice in my apartment (i'm no doctor but all i smell right now is something that could be mouse piss- it smells kinda like poisoning mixed with a sweet-urine type smell). i don't know though- it might be somethin else but i've been seeing a lot of mice around my apartment lately- i'd say AT LEAST ONE a day. i used to just shrug it off because i just thought they weren't hurting anything, they just wanted to get warm until i read on msn.com about how mice droppings and urine can make you sick. this place looks fine to live in but i've been sneezing and blowing my nose a lot lately and i THOUGHT it was just allergies but i take medicine for allergies, so i'm not sure if they aren't working or if it's the mice. amy is arranging for me to take the trip next week i think. she said she'll call the travel pca and HOPEFULLY get everything arranged to take a trip next week to boston. she told me that she didn't want me to end up giving up my services for a place where i'd just lose all the services and i'd end up not even liking it. i'm sure i could get the same services.. i'd probably just need to see if i can get a case worker to help me arrange them all. i thought it'd just transition over from state to state but i'm not really positive (because when i move to a different city and it's in a different county- it just transitions over to a different person doing the same job). i'm not positive though. it may be different between different states.

SICK OF THIS SHIT.. LITERALLY.

i got this message from concord housing telling me that if i didn't accept the housing offer they gave me in two days, i'd lose the opportunity at housing. i was just reading something on msn.com about mice coming into houses while fredrick and i went out for pizza. i read how they live in the walls and you can get sick from mice droppings and urine. i've been seeing mice around my apartment recently and fredrick actually just killed one today about an hour ago in the corner of my kitchen with a broom. i woke up sneezing and with a stuffy nose. fredrick blamed it on douglas but i don't remember douglas being sick when he came over to my place last. i swear i hear those little fuckers in my wall and i was beating on my wall one day when i heard noises and one of the ics workers asked me what i was doing and i said i heard mice in the wall, the pca disregarded it and said it was the heater. so when douglas was trying to sleep in my bed one day, he said, "I CAN'T SLEEP BECAUSE OF THEM NOISES IN THE WALL! WHAT IS THAT?!" then i said, "the ics workers told me it was the heaters." so, my health is being effected by staying here but MY TRUSTEE IS OFF ON VACATION BECAUSE SHE'S NOT CONCERNED ABOUT ONE OF HER CLIENTS LOOKING INTO MOVING WHERE THE CLIENT WANTS (NOT THE CLIENT'S NEGLECTFUL FAMILY WHO ONLY CARES ABOUT LOOKING LIKE A "HAPPY FAMILY" SO THEY DON'T WANNA ASSIST THEIR FAMILY MEMBER IN FINDING SOMEWHERE THE CLIENT ACTUALLY WANTS TO LIVE BECAUSE IT'S TOO INCONVENIENT AND THEY ONLY PAY ATTENTION TO THAT PARTICULAR FAMILY MEMBER WHEN IT'S BENEFICIAL OR CONVENIENT FOR THEM). THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF NEGLECT IF I CAN THINK OF ONE. JUST AS LONG AS IT MAKES AMANDA AND MY MOM LOOK GOOD AS LONG AS IT'S BENEFICIAL FOR THEM AND CONVENIENT FOR THEM. i'm going to figure out a way to accept the offer before seeing it because the longer i stay here, the more sick i'll get. i told the management about the mice and they laid down traps and poison.. i'm pretty sure all the poison is gone now and i think all the traps already got mice stuck in them- so i don't have anymore. WHO GIVES A SHIT THOUGH! KEEP STACY IN AN UNOPPORTUNISTIC STATE BECAUSE NO ONE REALLY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT HER ANYWAY= SHE'S MENTALLLY HANDICAPPED! SHE HAS A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY! SHE CAN'T POSSIBLY HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO!

new deadline.. my "care" team probably DOESN'T *CARE* though.

i looked at pictures of the apartment the lady offered online and it looks like a place i could see myself living in, i'm pretty sure i'll be able to fit all of my furniture in it- which is actually a rarity for city apartments (i had to get rid of several things just to live in this apartment i'm in now in st. paul). the only thing i'm kinda on the edge about is that i read something that said "senior living" on the same page as the apartment i'm being offered is on.. so i may just get stuck with a bunch of old people like when i lived in the first independent living program i lived in which was located in minneapolis and i ended up getting stuck living there for at least 10 years i think.. i just agreed to live there because it was the very first apartment i viewed and i was anxious to get outta my mom's house. so right now, i'm anxious but not as desperate as i was when i was living with mrs. smokey magee. however- i'm annoyed with my mom and/or my fat sister stalking me and more than likely attempting to mimic me. if you're gonna mimic me- you gotta get out and volunteer your time at several different places like i do or you are and will NEVER be ANYTHING like me. you also gotta stop the racism/being scared of black people because i happen to have something big and black pounding the fuck outta my vagina recently. he likes to call it his "BBD".. so.. you can't attempt to mimic me unless you mimic EVERYTHING. besides- the positive note from a few days ago urged me to take risks because it could be something that'll be greater than i could ever imagine my life being. i'm pretty sure i need to personally go to the apartment to sign the papers by the new deadline of march 13th. i don't wanna give up this opportunity to lose a chance at a nice apartment in massachusetts which is affordable just because my "care" team are listening to my damn family OVER their ACTUAL client so they think their jobs would be easier. there WILL be many, many more medical appointments and bills if i'm forced to give up opportunities which are REALLY MY decisions. that's funny.. i don't remember my fake ass narcissistic mom or amanda's entitled ass next to me in the car when i was in the accident i was in.. no.. must be the TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY i personally experienced as a result of it or something.. amanda's much too entitled and SMART to ever make a stupid decision to get in the car with a drunk driver and my mom is too afraid of her own damn shadow to do something like that.

*ONLY* the *FIRST* offer

zen reminded me again today that i COULD reject the apartment that they're showing me next week because they give me THREE offers (choices of housing). i looked at pictures online of the apartment they offered me and the place looks habitable to me- it's nothin special (i wouldn't necessarily want anything special- just not like roach and mice infested.. like my very first apartment in minneapolis), i'm just not sure of the accomodating features because i don't remember how the counters looked and i remember specifically looking at the bathroom pictures because i know the bathroom that i currently have- i've fell off the toilet into the bath a few times (it feels like i did around the time when i first moved into this apartment, i think i got used to being cautious of my surroundings now though). they mentioned an accessible apartment but i'm not sure they're gonna give me an accessible apartment seeing as i remember reading they only had TWO accessible apartments in this building. i've just been utilizing the space i've been given in the past apartments i've lived in so far in minnesota. heh.. fredrick just flipped the month to my bob's burgers calendar on the wall next to my computer desk and he said to me after he did, "the woman on here resembles you." it's a picture of teddy, bob, and linda.. so i'm guessing he's referring to linda. the only similarities i see between us two is the color of our hair and she wears glasses also.. my glasses are somewhat the same color as her's.. not really a bright pink though- they're dark red/maroon. i remember thinking about this while eating breakfast a while ago- the belcher family resembles my family sort of (except my brother and i have different dads than my sister, but i'm sure louise could resemble my sister when my sister was younger if she had brown hair). my mom really looks nothing like linda though- she has blonde hair and is short and chunky. linda has black hair and is tall and skinny. those two are the differences of our families (when my brother was younger- he was kinda chunky like gene and i didn't start wearing glasses like tina until AFTER the car accident that i was in). these are the kind of thoughts that run through my head during the day. i don't have anything really more important to do with my time during the day- which i hope to change when i move to massachusetts.

i got a response!

i checked my email this morning in bed and i received an email from the program manager of the apartment i'm moving to in massachusetts. she said that they expected me to sign papers personally to move into the apartment next week. so at least they gave me an extension because they originally expected me to sign the papers on monday of this week. i'm trying to make sure that i got EVERYTHING transferred over- i hope i'm not forgetting anything. the ics worker said that we'll look over the email when i see them for my appointment today. the job coach who's taking over my previous job coach's job texted me this morning also. she was checking to see if we're still meeting and we'd talk about me "possibly moving" at the meeting. i hope i can have a job coach when i get to massachusetts because they actually assist me in finding jobs in a more organized fashion and they have resources at finding jobs. i told zen that i needed to transfer my cable and internet over and he said that it'd be easy to switch it over- we can't switch it over until i know an absolute address (apartment number and all)- which is pretty much what i figured. i can't really think of anything else right now.. there's more than likely something i'm forgetting but hopefully it'll be brought to attention before i actually move- so it's not difficult to get.
i find it moderately amusing that the traffic to this site went down as soon as i got an apartment in massachusetts. it's like.. people read it JUST to see me struggling and were just interested in seeing bad things happening to me but as soon as i come across an opportunity to make my life BETTER- they (i'm assuming it's nosey family members because no one else is really interested in what happens to me to amuse themselves with) are suddenly UNINTERESTED! *gasp* if THAT is TRULY "love".. they can keep it- i'll pass. joe is the ONLY relative who expressed his happiness and support for me when i told him. can't say that i'm not surprised. an example of what helped me and motivated me to get outta this UNOPPORTUNISTIC state. thanks a lot dicks. you made me realize how much i didn't have in this state if shit happens. you guys are great.

i'm NOT gonna live *ANYONE*'S life but *MY* own. if i'm forced to downgrade *MY* goals.. we'll see how much of my life i'll have left- THANKS TO AMANDA

i'm hopefully getting prepared to move. *GASP* what am i thinking?! who do i think i am thinking I can live MY life how I want?! pfft.. i'll never make it- ISN'T THAT RIGHT AMANDA?! YOU ARE PART OF THE REASON WHY I'M GETTING OUTTA THIS UNOPPORTUNISTIC STATE. *GASP* I BELONG AT COURAGE KENNY LIKE A MENTALLY HANDICAPPED MINDLESS CLIENT SO I CAN MAKE *YOUR* LIFE EASIER BY NOT HAVING MY MOM CALL YOU AND YOUR MOM WHINING ABOUT HOW MUCH SHE SUPPOSEDLY MISSES ME. I'M TOO STUPID TO HAVE MY OWN GOALS! I DO HAVE A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY SO THAT MAKES ME MENTALLY HANDICAPPED! RIGHT AMANDA?! NO ONE CAN BE AS SMART AS YOU! WHO IN THE HELL DO I THINK I AM?! this morning when i was listening to the breakfast club this morning- the positive note of the day was about how it's rewarding to take risks because the risk could be an opportunity to make your life the best life you can imagine (something around that meaning.. i have a bad memory.. so i don't remember EXACTLY what it was.. this is ironic because if i don't take the risk of moving to boston- my life will more than likely become an uneventful one where i end up drinking pepsi and smoking cigarettes while talking to my dogs which will drive me to end it).
this business at mall of america is interested in hiring me. i spoke to the guy about the job about 10 minutes ago and i'm more than capable of performing the tasks this job asks except i might get tired if i escort guests from the store to the bus stop all the time but i'm not sure if there's some way i can get around that- the guy i spoke to today about the job is going to check on it. i'm also not sure how much longer i'll be in this state because i remember zen telling me that he'd help me check out the apartment in concord this week because they have a deadline i have til i can PERSONALLY accept the apartment and view it so i can sign papers personally but zen asked the lady for an extension and she hasn't gotten back to us about that yet.

Proof!

furthermore- the fact that i STILL don't have my driver's license back here in minnesota is just MORE proof of the LACK of care and love i receive from my family (who is expected to HELP their "loved" ones to get EVERYTHING to help them be SUCCESSFUL and truly HAPPY) that's OVER TWENTY THREE YEARS SINCE I GOT A TBI. my family clearly doesn't care about me- the furthest i'm able to get is my permit and i'll probably be forced to take the knowledge test again in massachusetts. hopefully it's easier to get my drivers license there compared to unhelpful ass minnesota.

advocacy issues- WHAT'S NEW?!

okay.. tomorrow afternoon i go to have another driving evaluation. this time it's not at that pathetic overrated excuse of a "rehabilitation center"- who is simply MORE concerned about taking advantage of clients who lack advocacy rather than ACTUALLY assisting EVERYONE (regardless of how "good" they'll make them look) progress and succeed. the person who my grandma CLAIMED would assist me in getting my driver's license back again, along with a vehicle I could drive- neglects me and ignores what she told the aunt who she SUPPOSEDLY cares about would do. i've went through that pathetic excuse of a rehab. center's driving program AT LEAST TWICE and failed BOTH times with the comment "needs more therapy".. i KNOW of people who aren't ambulatory who the courage center approved to drive.. why's that? they ACTUALLY had ADVOCACY to stroke courage kenny's dicks. if the people tomorrow don't give me my license back tomorrow- just further proof that this state tries to take advantage of the unadvocated and vulnerable clients. you're honestly NOT proving anything but your poor judgment and incompetence of the health care of minnesota which is enabled to take advantage of their most vulnerable clients who have taken ALL the steps in order to advance to the next stage by naive, negligent twats of relatives of the clients but they're too fucking incompetent, so they falsely lie just to keep vulnerable people depending on them and naive careless relatives just eat what they say up because IT'S NOT THEIR PROBLEMS PERSONALLY! hopefully it'll be different tomorrow considering i'm going to a different place than those asses at courage kenny. more proof that nobody gives a damn about me in this state.

hope i'm not forgetting anything.

i'm not sure if there's something else i need to do to accept this housing offer. i forgot if the offer was in boston or a surrounding area. i just hope there's not something else that i need to be doing in order to accept this offer. i'll probably figure out how to get ahold of the lady who i'm talking about the apartment to. she told me that i should make sure my cable and internet are switched over but i'm not sure i can do much on the weekend and i hope she sent me the address of the apartment i'll be living in. zen told me that next week i should be able to see the apartment personally but i need to make sure my trustee can get me an airplane ticket and hotel reservations, along with a travel pca to go with me for a few days. i just hope nothing falls through and there's not something i'm forgetting to do. from the sounds of it- the apartment is gonna be a handicapped accessible.. so there should be a walk-in shower like in burnsville along with lowered kitchen counters and accessible stoves. God has just been uplifting me to better environments- so i'm just going with the flow and hoping it continues. boston is like minnesota except A LOT CLEANER environment, climate, the people seem more helping (surprising since minnesota is SUPPOSED to be "minnesota nice".. people in minnesota seem to be have entitled attitudes at times- i'm sure there's entitled attitudes everywhere but not that i really noticed there) but straight to the point. i spoke with someone yesterday and they said, "well massachusetts has high taxes.." then i said, "yeah. so does minnesota." then they said, "oh.. yeah.. i don't think the taxes there are quite as expensive as minnesota though.. close but i don't think they're more than here." the high taxes there would explain why it's so nice there and why i don't remember seeing much garbage if any on the ground there, besides- it doesn't have phony ass relatives who just want to see you doing as bad as them, so they ACT like they care about you- where was this concern when my dad was kicking you and you felt like using me as a shield, so you wouldn't get kicked? i had reminiscing dreams of the situation around the time of my last surgery.. so don't deny that bullshit parenting. it's like God was telling me something to protect me. whatever it was- you can't even take accountability for the abuse and neglect done to me. i never asked to be born to such an entitled and negligent mom. EVEN the man who nearly killed me had enough respect to take accountability for it- NOT even my OWN mom can apologize to me for being the reasons of the surgeries i've needed to have as a result of using me as a shield. kinda explains the lack of communication.. when narcissists hurt people, they refuse to take accountability for it (i'm sure she's ashamed of herself but she still hasn't apologized for it- so i could care LESS). SO I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THE ELEVATION IN LIFE. i've wasted too much of my time, ability, and life minimizing my capabilities just so people can appear "helpful" and "loving". it's MY time now. if they REALLY CARED about me as much as they insinuate- they'd be supporting me to be as successful and happy with my life as possible- NOT just to BENEFIT them.

it's starting to hit me.

i was waiting for this moment to come- i realize that i'm giving up a good situation for an unknown situation. to finish it off- i'm not even positive jem will give me the time of day.. especially since he's never made an effort to stay in communication with me for years. so i'm chasing unsure possibilities and giving shit up just to do so- then once that falls through, i'm back at first base/where i started. however.. i always have to be optimistic about this and think, "what if it works out better than i hoped?" there's also not a certainty that it WON'T work out and if i just sit here thinking pessimistically, basically nanchalantly hoping it DOESN'T work.. it's sure not to work and i will end up EXACTLY where i dread ending up and being a disabled bum who depends on social security, drinks pepsi, smokes cigarette after cigarette and talks to her damn dogs. that is one of the biggest reasons why i jumped at this opportunity to get as far AWAY from what i don't wanna end up. i broke up with my boyfriend also because i'm pretty sure long distance relationships don't work and i wouldn't mind it but i assumed my boyfriend wouldn't really like it eventually- that doesn't seem fair, so i had to break it off. then he said he was coming over to my place yesterday to get the tent and sweatshirt he left here and never showed up. i've been trying to message him asking him if he was gonna come get his tent and he hasn't responded.. he told me the last time he was here that his cell phone wasn't working right- so he didn't get any of my texts. so he never did anything wrong to make me break up with him- it was more because of me. i keep getting these waves of depression/sadness where i start crying when i think about what if all this doesn't work out and i gave up a good guy for nothing.. hopefully it works out because i will blow my brains out if i end up depending on social security, still in this state, drinking pepsi and smoking cigarette after cigarette. people can try to say, "she's all talk, no action.. she won't do it." we'll see. we'll see. i think back to my previous care coordinator who said to me that i'm all talk and no action- then i think about how her son who also had a brain injury killed himself. i'm almost guaranteeing she said that same shit to him and where is he now? in a coffin underground (unless he got cremated)! so don't push it when you're dealing with people with brain injuries. we're crazy, we don't have anything to lose (well.. I don't have anything left to lose.. seeing as i've lost it all when i was 16). my ics worker also requested to the lady who i'm talking to about getting the boston apartment if she can possibly ask for an extension of a few days for me to sign the papers for the apartment in boston because we want to make sure my health care gets switched over, so i actually have pca assistance when i get there. i'm not sure if she's replied yet.. i gotta check. other than zero family support (other than joe), trying to avoid becoming what most people think i'll become, and the expectation to attend some overrated pathetic excuse of a rehab. facility instead of actually working like a responsible adult- this stupid state can't even give me my damn driver's license back without giving me the stupid reason "needs more therapy" just to get that overrated pointless excuse of a "rehabilitation center" another client because WHO THE HELL CARES ABOUT THE UNADVOCATED, VULNERABLE PEOPLE OF THIS STATE! THEY CAN'T POSSIBLY HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO BESIDES BEING UNDERESTIMATED AND DISCOURAGED TO SHOW THEIR TRUE ABILITY! RIGHT AMANDA AND MOM?! they're not people. they don't deserve to get the same opportunities as a fully abled person! RIGHT?! exactly why i'm off to other places who actually give me the opportunity to function as a normal person. if you honestly cared about me- you'd be supportive of it because otherwise i'll more than likely end up like my previous care coordinator's son.

switchin up once again.

i'm trying to figure out if i have everything i need to continue moving.. the last conversation that i had with the apartment manager lady i spoke to about this apartment was today- i'm pretty sure there's nothing else i can do as long as my financial source is out of the office until monday. i hope i'm making the correct decision to move here. that'd mean i'd need to somehow see if my job coaching and health services would transfer over to massachusetts and i tried to call my case manager and trustee to make sure they were switched over but my trustee is out of the office until monday. i used to run into this problem of not getting to communicate with my trustee all the time when brian was my trustee.. it must be the bank or something which gives me this same problem. i just hope that i'm not forgetting to do anything i could be doing but the lady said, "you're responsible for paying for cable and internet.. so you just gotta make sure you got that covered." the person that would deal with switching that over is out of the office until monday- so there's not really anything i can do because i don't know my address.. although i feel like i got a text message or something telling me the address of the apartment- now that i'm thinking about it, it might be on the state's apartment management site which i logged on this morning to check if there's anything else i need to do. i'll go check that site and see if there's anything more i need to do. i guess i could see if ics would assist me in calling x-finity and getting the switch arranged if i can find my new address on that site on my account. i'm gonna go see now.