the joys of not having decent advocacy.

i got a letter saying that i needed to renew my lyft service or i wouldn't have transportation anymore. i use lyft mainly to take me to and from sabathani and for my job interviews. i don't have any other transportation method- seeing as i lost my metro mobility card they sent me and i called metro mobility and they claimed that i needed to send in a new application for metro mobility and they sent me one, i don't remember what i did with it. i would normally put it in my planner but it's not in there either. i know we called them and i think we filled out ANOTHER application for it but i still haven't received anything yet. i need transportation because *GASP* NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT ME TO ADVOCATE FOR ME TO GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE AGAIN! THOSE DICKS CAN USE THE EXCUSE I FAILED MY COGNITIVE TEST BUT I COULD ALWAYS GET A COGNITIVE COACH TO HELP ME PASS IT. just more proof that NO ONE wants to see me succeed or even live my damn life. YOU GOT THIS! *rolls eyes* you are quite possibly the worst "advocate" my grandma could've picked. she must be rolling in her grave right now at the LACK of care you've given me. i'm sure she never thought you'd be this selfish and naive when assisting me. you seriously have no idea how fuckin difficult it is for a VULNERABLE ADULT to even function in this society. it's easier for you to just ignore it and assume you know everything because i'm SICK of courage kenny where they make their money off conning clients without advocacy into attending their ridiculous excuse of a "rehab facility". YOU'VE NEVER PERSONALLY ATTENDED THERE YOURDAMNSELF. YOU'D RATHER LISTEN TO WHAT YOUR KEWLIEZ PHYSICAL THERAPIST IN-LAW SAYS! i'm pretty sure the NORMAL, CARING family member would NORMALLY take into consideration what their aunt's daughter's FIRST HAND EXPERIENCES are over an in-law who works at the place you're depending on to help distract me more, so i'm way too fuckin old to help myself to live in another state with MORE OPPORTUNITIES AND THINGS THAT INTEREST ME SINCE THIS IS MY LIFE. i deal with the consequences of my choices and i don't need people trying to mess my plans up because they want to look "good" to their in-laws. they must not like you for you to even consider forcing your cousin (who is too HEALTHY and ABLE to go there anymore.. people that help me every day have said this to me) to attend that sad ass excuse of a "rehabilitation facility". courage kenny is just trying to profit off my lack of knowledgable advocacy by gaslighting me and saying i never attended that waste of time institute before.. HM- THE CELL PHONE VIDEOS THAT I HAVE ON FACEBOOK MUST BE AI OR SOME SHIT THEN?! fuck rehabilitation. i should go into technology seeing as i can create AI videos of me at some institute which denies i went there! I'M MORE TALENTED THAN I THOUGHT! i also was thinking about how fucking stupid my family is to keep me in this state- I'M OPENING THE CAN OF WORMS EXPOSING THE SHITTY-NEGLECTFUL PARENTING OF MY MOTHER. I KNOW THAT NO ONE HAD THIS MUCH OF AN IDEA THAT SHE WAS SO FUCKING SELFISH AND SHITTY OF A PARENT TO RISK MY BODY AND HEALTH WHILE GETTING KICKED BY MY DAD. IT ALSO PROVES HOW MUCH MY FAMILY DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT MY WELL-BEING.. JUST AS LONG AS I'M STUCK BY MY SELFISH INCOMPETENT BUM OF A MOM SO SHE'S NOT THEIR PROBLEMS- SHE'S MY PROBLEM! screw you all. if and when it's up to me- THE FIRST PLACE I'M STICKING THE BUM IS IN A NURSING HOME. at least she'll probably get better care than i did from her.

it needs to be said.

i've came to the conclusion that my mom and her flying monkeys read my blog for pure entertainment and amusement. i say that because by now- if she REALLY fucking cared about me.. she'd have apologized a loonngg time ago and at least seen what she could do for me to help me feel better after my last bowel surgery. she's reading my blog to see how long she can get away with this shitty ass parenting before i totally snap on her or disown her completely or she may be figuring she can get away with this shit longer because she's my mommy and she can treat me however the fuck she wants! right.. WRONG. i have ptsd now because of this bullshit. YOU traumatized your own damn daughter and you must think of it as a joke because you STILL haven't apologized or even brought it up to me before in my whole life- i'm assuming it's because you think of me as a disposible person that you can pay attention to whenever it benefits you. seriously- how many other people can say they'd be alright with their mom using THEM as a shield to block their dad from kicking them? YOU WOULDN'T EVEN USE ANY OF YOUR FUCKIN DOGS AS A DAMN SHIELD TO BLOCK SOMEONE FROM KICKING YOU. WHY'S THAT? YOU ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THEM TOO MUCH. don't come to me for ANYTHING again. it shouldn't matter to you seeing as you don't even care enough about me to apologize for something that could've been avoided if you HADN'T DRUG ME INTO THE QUARREL. i wasn't even involved in it. NOT UNTIL MY STUPID ASS MOM HELD ME UP IN FRONT OF HER WHEN MY DAD WAS KICKING HER! yeah seriously- fuck you. it's just not convenient or beneficial for you to apologize to me like it is to pretend you actually care about me, so people won't help me move to somewhere i can be truly safe and constructive while being truly HAPPY because MISERY LOVES COMPANY. i didn't bust my ass off in school (wheelchair and all from 11th grade on) and physical therapy (ARP therapy actually helped the MOST because tram was willing to actually WORK WITH ME OUT OF MY DAMN WHEELCHAIR) so i could bare my own weight and live independently (with like 5 hrs. of pca service a day) JUST SO I COULD LIVE BY A CARELESS, NARCISSISTIC BUM WHO ENJOYS PLAYING VICTIM EVEN WHEN IT MEANS PUTTING HER OWN DAUGHTER'S (I'M PRETTY POSITIVE SHE WOULDN'T EVER PUT MY SISTER IN THIS SITUATION THOUGH) SAFETY AT RISK TO PROTECT HER OWN STUPID ASS. people shouldn't wonder why i do some of the things i do- NOBODY cares about my well-being anyway! THE WOMAN WHO GAVE BIRTH DOESN'T EVEN VALUE MY WELL-BEING! she proved it when she put me in front of her when my dad was kicking her. THE TWO BOWEL SURGERIES I'VE HAD SO FAR PROVE IT ALONG WITH THE MANY DREAMS I'VE HAD FLASHING BACK TO THIS SHITTY ASS PARENTING WHILE HOLDING ME IN FRONT OF MY DAD, CAUSING ME TO GET KICKED. she couldn't even take the iniative to check on me the second bowel surgery! my grandma probably made her act like she actually cared the first bowel surgery when my bowel was perforrated because of all the damage and trauma to it when BEING KICKED WHEN I WAS ONLY GOOD FOR A SHIELD WHILE MY DAD WAS KICKING MY MOM! NO WONDER WHY HE WAS KICKING HER ACTING STUPID LIKE THAT. that's the thing- my mom must piss people off naturally because i admit there have been a lot of times where i've wanted to hit or kick her but i'm able to control my temper. my sister used to hit her and my sister's dad did too. my brother and i are the only people from our little family that haven't hit my mom. she deserves to be hit after putting her own daughter at risk while getting kicked by her dad (BUT DON'T WORRY! I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO FEEL HIS FOOT KICKING MY ABDOMEN!). I'M NOT SORRY FOR SAYING THAT EITHER. AS MUCH AS I DON'T MEAN TO BE THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM, YOU CAN TAKE THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT. since my mom doesn't feel it necessary to be caring towards me- I DON'T FEEL IT NECESSARY TO BE CARING FOR HER EITHER. i'm all i got and YOU AIN'T MAKING IT BETTER. many people who actually help me with everyday tasks agree that i'm past having to go to courage kenny. AFTER ABOUT 6 FUCKIN YEARS OF THAT BULLSHIT DOING THE SAME SHIT OVER AND OVER WITHOUT THE THERAPISTS LETTING YOU PROGRESS BECAUSE NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU ANYWAY! (the NUMEROUS videos of me on facebook at courage kenny PROVE IT if it's not convenient for you to believe me since you don't REALLY care about me either!).. I'M DONE WITH THAT SHIT AMANDA AND MOM. if anything- that shit will cause me to do something stupid eventually if i get forced to waste any more of my time doing it. BUT HEY! MAYBE THAT'S WHY AMANDA AND THE REST OF MY FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE) ARE SO SUPORTIVE OF ME WASTING MORE OF MY TIME THERE! SO THEY LOOK LIKE THEY ACTUALLY CARE WHICH COULDN'T BE FURTHER THAN THE TRUTH!

DON'T act like you "care". save yourself the work.

so i just took my cpap with my ics worker to the health supplies store for them to look at why it doesn't work. he said right away when he took the cpap machine out of the plastic bag it was in, "well.. first of all- you should never transfer it with water in it." the ics worker packed the cpap machine with the water from the night before in it. he asked me what the problem was i experienced with it and i said, "it usually doesn't turn on at all and if it does- it says LEAK DETECTED." then he said that he couldn't tell if it was just because i transferred it filled with water, but he'd try to turn it on when it dried and if he could get it working- he'd give me a call or if it wouldn't turn on- he'd give me a call to get a loner because he was sure my insurance would pay for it. it's kinda annoying to see all the views on this particular blog thread- i'm sure most of them are from my mom pretending to be concerned, so she can tell all my grandma's friends and our family members about what's going on with me so it looks like she actually cares. she really has no fuckin idea why it's so important for me to have a cpap to help me sleep. she just assumes that because my grandma used to have one- IT'S GOTTA BE RIGHT FOR ME TO HAVE ONE ALSO! tell me mom- WERE YOU THIS CONCERNED ABOUT ME WHEN MY DAD WAS ANGRY AND DRUNK AROUND YOU AND YOU HELD ME UP WHILE HE KICKED YOU TO BLOCK HIS KICKS FROM HITTING YOUR STUPID ASS?! NO? yeah that's what i thought. stfu and mind your business. i'm not just like grandma. i'm not just sweeping this selfish neglect under the rug like she did because SHE WASN'T THE ONE TO FEEL THE KICK TO THE ABDOMEN AND SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH SURGERY AFTER SURGERY BECAUSE OF THAT SHITTY ASS PARENTING. SHE DOESN'T EXPERIENCE PTSD FROM THAT SHITTY PARENTING. YOU'RE TOO FUCKING STUPID TO APOLOGIZE TO ME. that requires too much work and intelligence! i'm not exactly sure of the reason why you and amy stalk me to the point where i can't take a shit without you two idiots talking about it. i don't lie and say good things about either of you on my blog. even though i'm pretty sure i read that emotionally immature moms stalk their children. i've chosen to stop lying- so if i would be doing that shit, i'd be lying. i didn't chose to have a selfish, immature, and uncaring mom like YOU. stop making me regret it more every fucking day. i never thought you'd be this much of a damn problem. i'm just gonna unplug both of you eventually and YOU'LL NEVER HEAR FROM ME AGAIN. you guys are too much anxiety for my mental health and i have even stopped talking to one of my best friends for my mental health in the past- YOU TWO ARE NEXT.. BOTH of you. i'm headed to spanish class in about an hour. trying to remember if there's anything more i need to do that i forgot.. hm..

sleep finally?

i may be able to ACTUALLY get some sleep finally.. i feel like i've said that numerous times on here- so that's not saying much. at 1 today, i have an appointment and the ics has to come with me since i actually need to lug my CPAP machine there with me so they can't come up with the excuse "well- if you had the machine here with you- we could see what's wrong with it." so i'll (hopefully) be able to get some sleep finally.

i can only excel to other people's convenience.

i called my job coach and let her know that i have an interview in minneapolis at a hotel on thursday. at first, she seemed supportive but then she said, "where is this job again?" i told her and she said, "okay. i'm gonna check how far away it is. it says it's 25 minutes away.. and every day if you travel back and forth for 25 minutes.. it's gonna cost a lot for lyft.. we'll talk though.." i thought i sent in a new application for metro mobility so i have an alternative transportation choice but that was a while ago.. it irritates me that i gotta work according to the convenience of OTHERS while totally ignoring my own capability. it doesn't matter how much i try to work- just as long as i don't look constructive/valuable as long as i live in this resourceless hole of a state. i'm gonna see if the ics can help me come up with more methods of transportation when they come to have my ics session today in about 30 minutes. that's my life for you though- kept from excelling to my greatest capability for everyone else's convenience so i don't look like a useful citizen. I GOT THIS though! *rolls eyes* right into the fucking grave, incompetent, selfish excuse of an "advocate". i may be truly happy and successful at age 75 but i seriously doubt it. i had a doctor's appointment at gillette where i remember them writing on a piece of paper alternative methods to transportation since i brought up having such a big problem with transportation since they weren't gonna let me drive again. i thought that paper was in my bag but i'm not sure where it went. so i gotta have help finding that. the realization just came to me that i already travel that same amount of time in order to get to sabathani, using lyft. so it shouldn't be THAT much of a difference.. they'll more than likely require me to work more than sabathani does but that's what i want. so i don't have time to think negatively and/or get in trouble, because i'll be distracted with ACTUAL work. the volunteer position i have now is great but after a year- i'd hope to get some kind of promotion and/or more hours.

Asshole Intelligence.

i woke up this morning and i scheduled an in-person job interview next week. i was getting prepared for a phone interview at 10:30 this morning which i'm not sure if i scheduled it with a stupid AI whore-bot because the bitch didn't call me at 10:30.. or even at all this morning. so at least this day hasn't been a total disapointment so far because i did manage to schedule that in-person interview at a hotel in minneapolis. just gotta keep my head up and look at the positive that i actually scheduled another in-person interview.

horses

i hate to tell certain flying monkey neices that they picked the wrong horse to back. regardless if they assume it's right because they assume my grandma would take my mom's side since she babied the fuck outta her. proof that my grandma felt uncomfortable with the fact that she KNOWS what my mom did was wrong by shielding her body from being kicked by my dad is how she just "swept it under the rug".. maybe because she was ASHAMED of my MOM's stupidity and selfishness? *GASP* which is more than likely the reason that you idiots didn't hear about it. THAT GOES FOR JESSIY AND AMANDA. i'll never forgive either of you for trying to make my mom feel like she was a good parent (basically disregarding MY own WELL-BEING). you two assume i'm too stupid to recognize the damage that she's done to me. there's a good chance that i'll be shitting in a colostomy bag because of her selfish ass. she's also never cared about me enough to even consider telling me about the incident dealing with my dad- when he accidentally kicked me. she also knows better than to deny it ever happened to me or even bringing it up to me in the first damn place. i honestly came to knowledge of it after my last bowel surgery- kinda like God was showing me why i was going through what i was going through. she's also more than likely ashamed of herself but i'm not really sure she has the intelligence to identify her own mistakes since she's never found it necessary to apologize or even recognize the shit she put me through. pretty damn sad when the ONLY family member who even checked on me in the hospital was my cousin JOE who videochatted with me. i KNOW the rest of my family was aware i was in the hospital because they said they'd call amanda- then i found out she was up north with her husband by my grandma's sister when i called her to tell her where i was. she didn't even find it necessary to check on me when she got back. I "GOT THIS", RIGHT?! that reminds me of throwing a person in a canoe with waves and expecting them to find their way to the shore WITHOUT a paddle or motor or anything else to propel them and screaming at them from the shore, "YOU GOT THIS!" while expecting them to make it safely to shore all by themselves. so it's not like i wouldn't be able to get support. joe is dependable. the rest of you find it inconvenient to care about me- especially when it's not beneficial for you. it's also proof that i'm adaptable and i can make things work when things are going wrong. if you weren't gonna show me care or support- YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD MY GRANDMA THAT YOU DIDN'T FEEL COMFORTABLE TAKING THE RESPONSIBILITY SHE EXPECTED YOU TO TAKE. family doesn't mean shit these days and my grandma was naive to think it does.

reasons to WORK.

i just met with my new job coach. she was nice, i didn't see any problems with her. we were sitting in my living room talking and she asked me if i went to any job fairs. i said, "it feels like i've been to a few job fairs a long time ago." i'm pretty sure i remember going to one when i was living in minneapolis with a job coach and then i think i went to one when i lived in burnsville but it didn't seem like anyone was really interested in hiring me because i lived in burnsville- which is far from the cities where all the jobs are. luckily.. i managed to move to st. paul where i get a lot more employers interested in hiring me and requesting job interviews. everything that appealed to me when i first moved to burnsville seemed to move away or shut down. you're not punishing me with inactivity just so you can be in a location which is close enough to me that people assume you're a "caring" person just because they know they'd support and care for their family member if the shoe were on the other foot. would they hold their daughter in front of them while their dad was drunk and angry to avoid getting kicked, still risking her safety?! it's NOT a question of IF my mom cares (because she clearly doesn't).. it's a question of what she's willing to risk for my own good. she doesn't care about me if it doesn't benefit her or make her look like a "caring" person.. so she OBVIOUSLY doesn't care about what's good for me to make me as happy and successful as possible if it doesn't benefit her in some way. you'd hope that she would grow up and realize all the things i've been through to get where i am and she doesn't care to see me do better or my best for my own well-being. she still hasn't realized that having a child is NOT like having a pet. it involves more responsiblity and care. care that eliminates any amount of being SELFISH. grow the fuck up. pretty damn sad when your own child is more mature and responsible than a parent. cut the disability bullshit excuse also. in case you haven't realized it- I'M DISABLED TOO. i KNOW that you're acting less capable of doing shit the normal person does. if you couldn't read- how the fuck did you know what i wrote on my blog? cut the shit. you've lost pretty much all respect from me and you can't even cling to me in an attempt to stunt my progression. it's became PERSONAL when you attempt to falsely care and think you have any influence on where i end up in the future- just because you and fat amy don't have a damn future.. DOESN'T mean i'm just gonna throw EVERYTHING i've busted my ass to get. if you assholes REALLY cared about me as much as you try to make it seem- you'd be encouraging and supporting me to get as far as i KNOW i'm capable of living REGARDLESS IF IT MAKES YOU GUYS APPEAR AS FUCKING SELFISH AND IGNORANT AS YOU BOTH ARE. stalk me all the fuck you want- it's NOT gonna drag me back or stop me from going where i AM going. just because you guys ruined your future- does NOT mean i'll just throw away everything i worked my ass off to get. concentrate on your own fat ass and work on getting your GED because i can GUARANTEE you that when AI expands- IT'S GONNA TAKE AWAY ALL THE JOBS WHICH DON'T REQUIRE EDUCATION. it's just a matter of time. THEN YOU'LL BE LIVING UNDER THE BRIDGE AND ASKING PEOPLE FOR MONEY WITH SIGNS ON THE STREETS. i'm not just saying this shit to be funny- IT'LL HAPPEN. hopefully all your damn kids get jobs or they'll be out there on the streets with signs too.

this just helps me realize exactly what i WON'T get from this state.

i went to sabathani community center to volunteer today and i remembered that i wanted to look over the apartment accomodations that i THOUGHT the doctor signed a paper requesting them but it was a loss of consciousness form saying i was capable of driving. although.. when i read this loss of consciousness form, i get the idea the doctor is just trying to take advantage of my lack of KNOWLEDGABLE advocacy. she put some bullshit diagnosis of "spastic quadriparesis, abormal gait impairment of balance, Hx TBI, Hx of epilepsy".. i didn't go to school and receive my MD.. but i'm pretty sure that's borderline of a quadriplegic.. which is limited to a wheelchair and i don't think they can use their arms that much. my grandma naively put amanda in charge of advocating for me to make sure she would advocate for me that i DIDN'T get my privileges taken away from me.. MEANING DRIVING PRIVILEGES ALSO. they can say whatever the fuck they want though- "long-term prognosis: impaired processing speed, impaired insight, impaired divided attention, selective attention" THANKS AMANDA! YOU'RE A GREAT ADVOCATE! ANYMORE PRIVILEGES OR RIGHTS YOU WANT ME TO LOSE AT YOUR NEGLECT TO DO WHAT YOU WERE DEPENDED TO DO BY YOUR OWN AUNT?! so i've pretty much decided to be content or satisfied with what i have and/or what i have now.. SO I DON'T LOSE ANYTHING ELSE BECAUSE OF MY CARELESS, SELFISH, NEGLECTFUL "ADVOCATES". screw this state. i'm outta here. so all of a sudden "selective attention" is a disability?! a lot of people who supposedly "care" for me are in trouble. i haven't had a damn seizure in over 20 fuckin years. somehow though- i'm fucked for the rest of my life with a history of seizures because NO ONE GIVES A DAMN ABOUT ME TO ADVOCATE FOR ME IN THIS DUMP OF A STATE. THEY DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT! ESPECIALLY NOT IF I DON'T DRAG MYSELF BACK IN MY PROGRESS OF REHABILITATION AND DON'T ATTEND SOME USELESS EXCUSE OF A "REHABILITATION INSTITUTE" TO MAKE EVERYONE ASSUME MY FAMILY ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT ME FOR THE REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE(because they would if the shoe were on the other foot). EVEN my grandma recognized the LACK of progress i was getting from there.. which is why she went out and found tram holloway to hook his ARP machine up to me.. i regained my sense of balance (or it's A LOT better than it was before he started working with me anyway). MY GRANDMA NAIVELY ASSUMED AMANDA WOULD RECOGNIZE THE LACK OF HELP COURAGE KENNY "HELPED" ME WITH. she figured since she was younger than her, she'd actually have other ideas which would ACTUALLY help me.. problem is.. she neglected to realize that amanda DOESN'T give a fuck about ME or HER! so i'm working on getting OUT of this unopportunistic state so they don't take any of my other privileges away. you're a fucking moron if you don't understand why i'm getting OUT of this unopportunistic dump of a state. "i don't understand why you wanna move to new york. you have everything here!" no.. YOU have everything here. i'm not stupid. just because you say it- DOESN'T mean it's true. close-minded twit.
i read most of the book "my family can kiss my ass" while i was at sabathani. it talked about EVERYTHING i experience with my own mom.. even though, her situation was worse because she experienced getting molested by her own step-dad and having relatives who didn't give a fuck about it. she talked about a lot of things i could relate to. i just realized i read just about the whole book when my shift was over.
it more than likely doesn't really matter that i didn't get that accomodations letter yet, seeing as THIS particular apartment i'm currently in isn't accessible either. i have to walk up and down the stairs to get to my apartment every day. good thing they have a rail on the side of the stairs since i DID learn how to go up and down stairs when i used to attend courage kenny (but other than that.. i can't think of anything they helped me with). i do have a cane which is supposed to help me walk up and down the stairs but i don't understand how people expect me to haul a big cane with me (it's the size of a flat walker) just to get up and down stairs.. so it's stayed behind my couch since i got it i think.

ONE STEP CLOSER!

the clinic called me this morning and told me they have the letter of accomodations signed by the doctor and i could come pick it up. so, the ics worker took me to the clinic just now and i picked it up. i don't really think i need too many accomodations but better safe than sorry. i also am pretty sure that i need a roll-in shower or bars by the bath to help me get in and out of it anyway. so one more step closer.. i just need the ics to help me upload these documents on my account tomorrow. i have to quick eat lunch, then i'm headed to sabathani to help out there. i enjoy volunteering because i get to meet new people and interact with them while helping them. it's better than hauling my ass mindlessly to a rehabilitation institute which takes advantage of your lack of advocacy and vulnerability by underestimating you and purposely refusing to help you progress /challenge your abilities so you actually get better because then they'll get money from "assisting" you to sit on useless machines that don't help- they may have helped me 15 years ago.. BUT I'M PAST THAT SHIT. so volunteering actually gives me EXPERIENCE and i enjoy doing what i do. let me remind you idiots- MY ACCIDENT HAPPENED 24 FUCKING YEARS AGO. I'M NOT A VEGETABLE OR A REHABILITATION TOOL THAT MAKES MY FAMILY APPEAR LIKE THEY ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT ME. I DON'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I SPOKE TO AMANDA. BECAUSE I "GOT THIS!" oh yeah? you've obviously never worked with or helped a vulnerable adult- YOU DON'T CARE BECAUSE IT'S NOT PERSONALLY YOUR PROBLEM!.. your day will come. don't get cocky. mine did.

plants

to defend myself against arguments who say my mom raised me- it's my responsibility to do better if i have a problem with the way she raised me. i didn't plan on having a selfish individual raise me. in fact- i'm pretty sure that's why my grandparents stepped in to help her raise my brother and i. they realized she wasn't mature enough to handle the responsibility of being a mother to THREE KIDS- so they let my brother and i live with them for at least probably around 5 years (i'm not sure of the exact time). oh! but the child who DID live with my mom did better than my brother and i! she only got pregnant at 12! *sarcasm* shit.. i'm not even sure i had my first period when i was 12.. i don't think i did. that's my mom's great parenting skills for ya.. she literally let my sister run the streets. i realize it's my responsibility to do better but i'm pretty sure that i DO remember thinking before i boarded the plane to new york how no one cared what happened to me anyway if something bad happened. call me "ungrateful" or wtf you need to try to make yourself look like a good person in front of your in-laws but after going through the shit i went through in life- if you end up anywhere better than i did.. maybe i'll consider thinking you're a good person. ALL people have DIFFERENT circumstances in life. "i know you like to think your shit don't stank.. but lean a little bit closer.. roses really smell like poo oo oo.." i didn't mean to blame only my mom for how i got raised but if you think about it.. parents are the first thing kids become familiar with, so they're influenced by them. i did realize a lot of the shit i grew up hearing was wrong (they were close-minded and ignorant), so i chose to do the opposite. kids are like plants.. watered by people who influence and care about them. my grandparents realized this- that's why they stepped in to assist my mom (who was clearly not capable of responsibly raising THREE lives). trust me.. EVERYTHING i do is pretty much because i know my mom wouldn't do it. it's gotten me this far in life. she's basically a role model of what to avoid doing/becoming. people can try to say that i'm "immature" or whatever they want for blaming my mom but at least i know i can say for sure that she certainly didn't help me become a better person.. IF she did- it was because my grandma blackmailed her into doing it. pretty sad that your own parent has to blackmail you into being a responsible person.

FACTS

not that anyone actually cares- but i'm not sure if people assume i'm stupid and unaware.. which is why they don't apologize for what they've done to me and/or enable the people who have hurt me in the past to get closer to me. NEWSFLASH! I'M NOT AN IDIOT WITHOUT STANDARDS AND BOUNDARIES SO PEOPLE CAN JUST GET AWAY WITH HOLDING ME IN FRONT OF THEM WHILE BEING KICKED, SO THEY DON'T GET KICKED BUT I DO HAVE TO ENDURE SURGERY AFTER SURGERY IN ORDER TO STAY ALIVE. they also face absolutely no consequences for this shit. GUESS WHAT IDIOT? i have feelings too. you can't just assume i think this neglect and careless shit are okay just because you're my mom- so that gives you the right to do whatever the hell you want to me. go fuck yourself. same goes for her flying monkeys who try to convince her that she's a good parent or whatever else bullshit you tell her. no wonder why i fucked my life up, almost killing myself in a car accident with parents like i had to put up with. one is dead and the other refuses to apologize and/or even take accountability for the abuse and neglect i've had to endure because of her. if you honestly think my mom doesn't have anything to do with what happened to me and you're just concerned about my mom- get something better to do besides read my blog because you're obviously not reading it because you actually care about me. you're reading it for your entertainment and/or some other stupid reason i can't think of because i'm not as stupid as you are to waste my time reading what someone i don't even like has to say. besides- there's NO way that you could actually care about me if you can't even take accountability and applogize.