traumatic BRAIN injury does NOT equal stupid. *GASP*

i'm gonna address the elephant in the room (it feels like i've brought this up MANY times before because i've been doing it so long)- i do my range of motion exercises at the counter EVERY single day. followed by lifting weights and my neck stretches along with my range of motion exercises in BED EVERY NIGHT. proof of that would be that i'd be in MUCH WORSE condition if i hadn't. going to a place that doesn't want me to progress because of LIABILITY bullshit is the LEAST of my priorities. so they can continue looking like they ACTUALLY HELP clients get stronger. just so assholes who can't give me the time of day and/or even answer the fuckin phone when the emergency room calls them can LOOK LIKE THEY ACTUALLY give a fuck about me and/or support me and/or whatever else bullshit you honkeys are into. i can't even count on ANY of my friends to check in how i'm doing- they'd much rather read my blog and criticize my life. I KNOW YOU LIKE TO THINK YOUR SHIT DON'T STANK BUT LEAN A LITTLE BIT CLOSER.. ROSES REALLY SMELL LIKE POO OO OO. what comes around, goes around, sucka. maybe i'm just being paranoid about the friends thing but when NONE of your friends reach out to you for probably around.. 10 years or so.. you start to think. i wonder if they're stuck on "respect your elders" bullshit and they don't wanna talk to someone who talks about how their parents treated them and since it wasn't the typical loving/supportive family relationship.. they don't know what to say to me because they haven't experienced it themselves to have an opinion? people don't consider other people like that.. so i kinda doubt it. but SHIT ON ME for ACTUALLY wanting to live life like a NORMAL, CONSTRUCTIVE WORKING CITIZEN of this country. RIGHT AMANDA? WTF MAKES ME THINK I BELONG ANYWHERE OTHER THAN COURAGE KENNY?! MY DAMN RESUME- THAT'S WHAT. i DO have work experience that i managed to get.. was harder for me than the average bear to get but I GOT IT. next time you wanna attempt to make yourself ACTUALLY look like you care for me by neglecting EVERYTHING i've done (i even have cell phone videos of me walking at courage kenny when i went there at least 10 yrs ago on FACEBOOK to prove it since you obviously would rather backtrack my life so you can look super kewliez to your physical therapist in-law!)- DON'T. CUT THE BULLSHIT. you can't even return any of my calls or answer the phone for the emergency room when they call you- I COULD BE DEAD. doesn't concern you since i don't regress my abilities and attend courage kenny! seriously- just butt the fuck out. you and my mom just want me to backtrack my progress so i'm distracted and too old and frail to move where i ACTUALLY WANT to live. my mom because misery loves company and she doesn't wanna see someone who dealt with basically the same shit she did- do better than her, because it'd prove how lazy she REALLY is.. and amanda because then she'd feel better about not helping me do what she told her aunt she'd do. YOU DICKS TREAT ME LIKE I'M A COMPLETE MORON WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS. JUST STOP. JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A BRAIN INJURY DOES NOT MAKE ME STUPID. PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES. *GASP* SORRY FOR INCONVENIENCING YOU WITH ACTUALLY CARING ABOUT WHO AND WHAT I ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR MY LIFE. mind your business, dicks. i've been through MORE shit in life than you could ever handle.

just checking.

alright.. i'm not sure if the lady who i interviewed with last week for the receptionist job at some assisted living home called me. some lady called me like an hour ago and said she wanted to talk about the job and see if i could come in some time and have an in-person interview to go over a schedule. so i just said, "okay, when are you available?" and i don't remember what she said exactly but it must not have been trying to schedule me for an interview because she didn't tell me any times to get back to me. i'm not really sure it is that lady though because it doesn't really make complete sense to say she wants to have an interview with me, almost as if she hadn't had an interview with me for sure. i looked at my "recent calls" on my phone and i called back every one who was on the recent calls list and she wasn't one of them. maybe i'm going crazy and imagining things but my memory seems so real.. so i'm not sure that's it. i also emailed the lady who i interviewed with last week and i asked her if she called me and if she made a decision on who she wanted to hire for the position yet. i hope she doesn't get the impression that i'm too confused of a person to work the duty. i just wanted to be sure she DID call me.

still active

in ics today, the ics worker assisted me in logging into my nyc housing connect account to make sure it's still current and active because i really suspected they took my account out of their site because i wasn't sure of the last time i logged in. LUCKILY it's still registered. i have this video interview for the UPS store at 1ish and i need to eat lunch before then quick. i think the video interview should be just like the previous virtual interviews i had this week- so i don't really think i need to prepare much. maybe they'll actually decide to give me a shot at working there since i'm pretty sure i've applied there at least once or twice before. i'm not sure if this is the same place where douglas works because i know he works for UPS and he said he could see if he could try to get me a job there a while ago but i don't think he ever did. maybe this is a different location from where he works. i'm gonna go see what i can make for lunch now.

will i be able to fall asleep *FINALLY*?

i just remembered that i had an appointment to get a loner cpap today and i looked at my calendar and LUCKILY i still had time to call the ics and have her take me there. the guy at the cpap place said that he'd call me when mine was fixed even though i could've sworn the technician told me that he tried everything to get my cpap working and he couldn't- so i'd just have to get a loner to use. so at least i'll be able to fall asleep right away and get a good night sleep. oh well, i'll take it. i have another interview tomorrow for the ups store. i'm pretty sure i've interviewed for these guys a few times- maybe they'll finally decide to give me a chance at working for them? doesn't hurt to keep trying.. i don't really have anything to lose.

PRIORITIES!

well- i was sitting at my kitchen table eating breakfast having a conversation with myself and i think i figured this out a long time ago- the reason why i haven't managed to move from this state yet falls COMPLETELY on the ridiculous excuse of "support" my grandma ASSUMED would advocate for me to help me. now.. it's just about making my stupid, selfish, no-good bum of a mom comfortable with how much of a fucking unaccomplished loser she is. my stupid family members assume that i'll take the easy route in life and just go to courage kenny and collect social security my whole life because it worked for my mom! that shit won't pay for everything i need in life and THEY KNOW IT- not in this economy anyway. *gasp* THEY JUST DON'T CARE! they also refuse to acknowledge that my mom had A LOT MORE support than i do. MY PARENTS DON'T OWN AN APARTMENT WHICH THEY HOUSE ME IN FREE AND TAKE CARE OF MY KIDS BECAUSE I'M TOO STUPID TO. that's what i get for having selfish, unempathetic (so that means they also lack intelligence) excuse of family members. i know damn well amanda and my other family members wouldn't be satisfied with being limited to hauling their asses to courage kenny and collecting SSI when they've worked a few jobs and attended college. courage kenny DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THEIR CLIENT'S PROGRESS. THEY JUST CARE ABOUT APPEARING AS IF THEY DO. (reason why kevin- MY PHYSICAL THERAPIST AT COURAGE KENNY always used to use the excuse of "liability" with me when not letting me do things independently) they try to limit and discourage their clients (WHO LACK ADVOCACY) from progressing and becoming independent, so they don't have to depend on the sorry excuse of care they get. it may seem like a great thing but being vulnerable and having everyone think you CAN'T do everything is NOT cute.. or even smart. i have a video interview a little later with walzer. i'm also pretty sure that my mom is frustrated to READ EVERYTHING i've managed to do WITH a brain injury that she never was able to do since she let everyone assume she couldn't read and was slow. my family cares about me as much as to NOT encourage my goals (except for joe) just so they can look good and to keep my sorry selfish excuse of a mother happy. about the ONLY thing my mom has given me is ptsd.. OH! I FORGOT! I ALSO LOOK LIKE A VOODOO DOLL ALL SEWED UP FROM THE INCISIONS I HAD TO HAVE ON ACCOUNT OF HER SELFISH ASS HOLDING ME IN FRONT OF HER TO BLOCK MY DAD'S FOOT FROM KICKING HER! MOTHER OF THE CENTURY! *CLAPS* if jessiy thinks i'll take care of my mom's selfish ass so she doesn't get sent to a nursing home- SHE HAS ANOTHER THING COMING. what about fat amy? mom can just act like another one of her fifty kids! IT ALL WORKS OUT! plus- you and i both know that my mom would've NEVER willingly taken care of me if my grandma wasn't alive to make her. probably the reason why i no longer go and see my mom every other weekend like i did when my grandma was alive. i see no reason to. she clearly doesn't care about me- she can't even make sure i have everything i need on the weekends when i do go to her house because she's too BUSY AT THE BAR, PLAYING POOL. PRIORITIES!

this will probably be me in 10 or 20 years..

i woke up and got ready for the day, then at about 10 (a little before), i called my lyft ride. i ended up getting to the interview on time and the lady who interviewed me told me that the position required a worker who's available on monday afternoons and she said after 5 on tuesday, then we'd talk about some weekend availability. i'm completely available on monday- so that's perfect. i told her that i volunteer at sabathani on tuesdays at about 2:30 (that's the time i leave to volunteer at sabathani). she told me that she'd get back to me on friday.. so hopefully she gives me a shot. while i was waiting for the ride to come, i seen a guy who lived at the senior community home i was interviewing at yelling, confused and the nurses there had to settle him down. he must've had dementia or something. he yelled angrily, "WHAT'S HAPPENING?! WHAT'S GOING ON?! WHERE AM I?!" and then when the nurses tried to settle him down, he yelled at them, "LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M NOT DOING THAT!" part of me felt like laughing because he sounded so crazy but something made me hold my laughter, i'm not sure if it's because another part of me felt like that could be me or anyone else i care about, being so confused. i felt like crying because it was so sad and the man probably was a vet or something and now he has to deal with basically losing his mind- as if that was his thanks for serving the country. i hope the lady calls me and gives me the job because it's something i could see myself doing and i forgot to get a card from her (even though i'm pretty sure that she went outta her way to say that she didn't have any cards on her at the time but she had my email and she'd communicate with me by friday whether i got the job or not). i came back to my apartment and some other person notified me that i had a video interview at 2 today. so i gotta get ready for that.

i find myself coping with psychological mechanisms.

i scheduled three interviews three days in a row this week. the one tomorrow is for a receptionist job in the morning. the other two are video/virtual interviews. i've noticed that i've been avoidance coping so i don't have to think about how shitty my life is. i'm not sure that's really healthy considering my medical condition but i got concerta to keep me running! just hope nothing bad happens.. but if i play my cards right and take rests when i really feel tired.. i should be okay- otherwise.. I GOT THIS! you like that? i'm using your neglectful tools to dig myself a hole! then your job will be easy and you can attempt to get money outta me for your kids' trust funds! that is of course if you steal my brother's inheritance from me.. which i wouldn't put past you. she's just encouraging me to intentionally overwork to avoid dealing with personal issues, difficult emotions, relationship problems, or trauma at home. *CLAPS* MY GRANDMA WOULD BE PROUD! i actually was sitting in the lyft vehicle today on my way to sabathani and i must've looked and sounded troubled because the lyft driver asked me if i was alright when i sighed today in his vehicle in tears. i said, "yeah." through my teeth because i was feeling so frustrated with all these damn interviews i go to and they OBVIOUSLY have the idea that i'm qualified to work the job if they're gonna take time to interview me and then they see how i'm disabled during the interview and discriminate against me. i just can't convince anyone to hire me.. not even with my work experience. the disability disqualifies me from appearing that i function like a normal working person. i hope i come across someone who doesn't let the damn cane cloud their judgment and they actually give me a chance at working.

no surprise.

well- i probably shouldn't be surprised by this (even though i'm really NOT.. considering how things usually go for me). i got an email from the lady i interviewed with on saturday telling me that she found a more qualified candidate to fill the position and they'd keep my resume on file. i'm pretty sure i've got this same EXACT email from all the other employers who email me and tell me i didn't get the job saying the same exact shit- so it must be some kind of template for employers to send the people that they aren't hiring. whatever. i didn't think she was really gonna give me the job because she brought up how front desk workers always need to get up and be on the move. it kinda irritates me that she just assumes that i applied for the job to just sit around because i KNOW she seen my resume and assumed i'd be fit for the job enough to interview me until she actually SEEN who she was hiring. discrimination is real and it's not something that surprises me or is something i'm not really prepared to handle. it does kinda irritate me that she didn't take into consideration how flexible i was to just fit her in for an interview at the last minute- ESPECIALLY because i'm positive that she didn't hire me because i'm disabled. i'm able to adapt to new situations at the last moment and i displayed that when i showed up for the interview not even a day notice. just gonna have to take it that particular job wasn't meant for me and i was saved by not getting the job and continue applying and interviewing. i didn't fall or have any difficulty whatsoever manuevering around- so she can't use the excuse i fell all the time or caused any accidents or something. oh well. there's a reason for everything and this wasn't meant for me. i'm going to sabathani in about an hour now. at least it's something to keep me constructive and keep my mind outta the gutters where i actually don't ever remember feeling discriminated against (i USUALLY feel discriminated against at least once every single place i've been).

HOPEFULLY this helps.

i made an appointment next week on wednesday at protherapy to help me get more in shape, so people that interview me don't assume i'm not capable of doing front desk jobs like the person last week. i hope this will actually help me, so i'm able to keep employers interested in hiring me after seeing my resume. a person would NORMALLY assume a front-desk worker just stays stationary but i'm sure there ARE places which require them to take another worker's duties or help them with their duties.. so i just wanna make sure people stay interested in hiring me after seeing my resume AND interviewing me. my therapist came today and we were talking about how i've been able to get interviews and she shared experiences because she told me she used to be a job coach before this job. she gave me some tips and i tried to do one of them but it didn't provide any further help with actual employment in the kind of jobs i'm interested in. i'll just have to keep doin what i'm doin and eventually something will work for me. i've managed to expand my opportunities and moving from the burnsville shithole to an environment with more employers interested in hiring me has helped A LOT.. baby steps.. i'll get there. it doesn't matter what's more convenient to a bunch of bums that just support me when it's convenient or beneficial for THEM because this is MY LIFE. you dicks don't have to deal with the circumstances of living strictly on social security when your parents did NOT own an apartment/land. so butt the fuck out or go purchase a damn apartment and run it SUCCESSFULLY- until then- butt the fuck out. whining to our relatives and grandma's friends isn't gonna get you SHIT. people who play "victim" all the time are NOT cute.. or even smart. you can't hold someone in front of you while life kicks your ass. tough shit. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD. your mommy isn't here to protect you anymore. i never had that benefit. my mom sacrificed my body while being kicked by my dad.. i don't need to tell you that though. YOU did it.
i called the people who i interviewed with last week. the lady who told me right away that front desk workers are really active and on their feet all the time (insinuating i wouldn't be interested in the job because she seen my cane) told me she still had some interviews and she'll call me later. i had expected for her to just straight out tell me that she gave the job to someone else right away.. but i guess not. another lady who i interviewed with said that she was still interviewing people and she'd get back to me later and i had to leave a voicemail for the other guy i interviewed with on friday i think. HOPEFULLY someone is interested.. just gotta wait. i have a video interview with some car dealership to be the receptionist there on thursday. gotta keep my options open. i just hope they don't require me to have any automobile knowledge.. i don't think they will but ya never know for sure- they might want all their workers to be familiar with cars.. who knows.

am i that out of shape?

i'm still thinking about that interview on friday when the lady interviewing me was implying that i wasn't in the proper shape to work the job.. i've seen people who are twice my size working.. (well it might not have been in a hotel) but i have been trained by some guy who had to be at least twice my age.. or close to it and they still employed him. i'm pretty sure the woman had assumed that i was in the shape to work the job considering my work experience and i doubt she would've wasted her time interviewing me if she knew i wasn't in the shape to work the job. so with all of this said- that just tells me that i have to go back to protherapy and work with them some more- seeing as the soonest i could schedule my acupuncture appointment was at the end of this month. i'm pretty sure i'll ACTUALLY see results from acupuncture since joe recommended it to me from FIRST-HAND EXPERIENCE. the day amanda attends courage kenny as a client for a month or so and she can honestly tell me how she thinks they helped her in rehabilitation to become more ambulatory and strong is the day i'll actually fuckin consider listening to her. after all- SHE DOESN'T LISTEN TO ME AND MY FIRST HAND EXPERIENCE ACCOUNTS! NO.. i'm just an idiot with a traumatic brain injury.. IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT I HAVE VIDEOS OF ME AT COURAGE KENNY (PROBABLY AROUND 10-15 YEARS AGO) BECAUSE THAT DOESN'T BENEFIT HER! SHE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE SHE ACTUALLY GIVES A DAMN ABOUT ME! plus it's more convenient for her to neglect my needs and personal experiences, so she can look "supportive" and "caring" to her kewliez sister-in-law WHO SHE'S NOT RELATED TO BY BLOOD AND WHO SHE ALSO DIDN'T GROW UP WITH. NONE OF THAT MATTERS THOUGH! you are seriously an idiot if you assume i'm alright letting someone who's never lived a day in my life try to direct my life. i WILL make your life a living hell if i'm forced to go back to that sad excuse of a rehabilitation "facility". that's a promise. if you think i'm crazy now.. you haven't seen NOTHIN yet. if i go down- YOU'RE GOIN WITH ME along with all these other anuses who are trying to ruin my life by acting like they actually "care" about me by attempting to control what and where i end up. *GASP* THAT MEANS YOU TOO MOMMY AND FAT AMY! i would've been a nicer person if you guys would just MIND YOUR BUSINESS. IF MY GRANDMA HONESTLY THOUGHT I WASN'T CAPABLE OF MAKING MY OWN DECISIONS- SHE WOULD'VE MADE SURE I GOT A CONSERVATOR OR GUARDIAN. she didn't know how to SAFELY get me where i wanted to live because she knew she was getting old and naive- that is why she told me to wait for my cousin amanda to help me get where i wanted safely. i can honestly tell you that she'd be disappointed with the lack of help and assistance i've recieved from you. newsflash: I'M NOT GRANDMA. I DON'T SWEEP ABUSE UNDER THE FUCKIN RUG. NOT AFTER ALL THE SHIT I'VE PERSONALLY BEEN THROUGH BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU ASSHOLES DID TO ME. if you actually cared about me- this would probably mean more to all of you. THANKS FOR THE PTSD, DICKS! YOU'VE BEEN SO MUCH HELP TO ME CONTROLLING IT AND MAKING SURE MORE SYMPTOMS DON'T ARISE! if you think i was honest during my last sentence- YOU'RE STUPIDER THAN I THOUGHT YOU WERE.