rescheduled!

i rescheduled the in-person interview while i was laying in bed this morning, it had to have been about 7 am. i assumed i didn't have anything going on wednesday because it's usually an open day for me. after i accepted the new interview time, i got out of bed to check just in case if i had anything going on at that time. i just had the video interview that i scheduled in THE AFTERNOON with the verizon retailer. so i luckily made a good judgment. i was just thinking about how much money i get from lyft a month and i tried to remember the days i'd be working for this particular job. i hope it isn't the job that i thought i remembered you were required to work 4 days and i don't remember how many hours- although i really wouldn't mind working that often, i'm not sure i have enough lyft money a month and my metro mobility card hasn't came in the mail yet. i don't remember how long ago i requested a new one because i couldn't find the one they sent me over a month ago. as much as i hate metro mobility- the past few times i've been forced to ride with them, they actually had nicer drivers (they weren't the old dicks who just drove as a part-time job while on social security).
i know i've wrote about this before on here, i would like to remind certain relatives.. i was NOT put on this earth to make my family members feel better about their lives. so if you figure if you don't support me- i'm too stupid and lazy to make things happen by myself because i have a TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY!.. no- i am a HUMAN also. i have goals and a life which isn't reserved to act like a damn stool to my family members who don't think they have to do the work to help themselves be truly happy, constructive, and successful. that goes for you mom AND amanda. you two are on the SAME levels when it comes to the amount of support and "care" you've given me. you both think alike.. you know what i was suggested to do yesterday? LET THEM. i know i have the book by mel robbins and i feel like i've read it a couple times. let them stay on the level they're at and i'm not communicating or going out of my way to associate with any of them if they can't be truly caring and helpful to me. i don't see any reason to allow people who have absolutely NOTHING going for themselves to cling to me- ESPECIALLY IF THEY AREN'T GOING TO HELP ME. you chose your spot. nice knowing you (not really.. i wouldn't look like a voodoo doll all sewed up from all the surgeries i had to have because of YOU).. go screw yourself.

interviews still leading nowhere..

well, the first person who interviewed me, seemed interested in hiring me. they said they'd call me tomorrow (i forgot when exactly..). the second interview kept saying that she'd have to call me later since she took her cat to the vet and finally said she'd call me either tomorrow or thursday. when she called me back the first time, it seemed like she was genuinely interested in hiring me. so hopefully i've started something that will actually pay off in the long run. i also have the in-person interview where the person just tried to reschedule the interview to the morning and i didn't recognize her name until after i requested an interview for a different time. hopefully she actually answers the phone tomorrow morning when the lady who answered the phone today just now told me to call back. man.. i didn't think getting hired for another job would take this damn long when i quit the job at hilton when going through training because she tried to put me in a position which required more physical activity besides the front desk position i had applied for in the first place. she ended up having too many people hired for the front desk (a front desk worker said they needed help at the front desk during the weekends in particular though). i didn't think it was very professional of the old guy who was training me to feel comfortable complaining about training me though.

entrevistas! busy week!

i have two phone job interviews tomorrow and an interview on wednesday for some wireless provider, followed by an in-person interview on thursday at a hotel (the hotel sounds familiar- so i'm not sure if i've already interviewed here before?). douglas told me that he went through 50 some interviews (i forget the exact number he said- he mighta said 65..) before he finally got his job. so someone's gotta decide to hire me eventually. volunteering at sabathani is great to give me something to do but i'd just like to see some compensation after everything i've been through. i get to meet new people and actually help people.. so it makes me feel good to go there. it gives me something to do so i don't have time to think about shit and/or get in trouble. working basically comes in handy to me to keep me occupied. now i understand why some people work a lot. it really doesn't bother me.. i'll probably end up eating my words someday when i'm swamped with work and swept with fatigue from working so much knowing my luck. at least i won't be bored. it's also probably better for my mental health to be volunteering because i actually feel productive and like i have a purpose in life (other than looking like a mindless rehabilitation pawn who is too handicap to help herself like when i was forced to go to courage kenny). just because you don't know how i feel personally does NOT make it any less important or true. i noticed when i forgot to bring my cane to sabathani, people didn't treat me as disabled and cautious as they do when i actually have my cane.

reasons for certain things going on with me..

i forgot to mention one of the primary reasons why my heart has been fluttering and it's proof i need to get as far away from the mother from hell- i notice my heart fluttering when or after i'm talking to my mom on the phone. which is also a reason why i try to avoid communicating with her (i don't call her). i'm pretty sure i remember telling a nurse in the emergency room that i just got done talking to my mom before i started to feel my heart beating irregularly.
i had ics today and he helped me print off some information to nearby grocery stores in the boston area since we're not exactly sure of the apartment i'll be living in- so we don't know exactly where the nearest one is yet. zen told me he'd make a book of resources when i move there but zen doesn't work here anymore and it always seems like i gotta take housing offers in boston right away and be more proactive about it- or they'll give the apartment to someone else. so i'm trying to be on top of my shit before they slide another offer under my eyes and expect me to take it right away.
i was also thinking about the cognitive test i last took and failed- so i can't drive anymore. i remember taking a few of these before this recent one i failed and i passed them- so i could get my permit. well, i wonder if one of the reasons why i failed it this time was because i haven't been doing my own laundry lately (the supervisor of this program aisha said to me a few weeks ago, "stacy.. you know.. you don't have to take out the garbage by yourself- fredrick gets paid to do that kinda stuff.." she must've got taking my garbage out myself mixed up with doing my own laundry (because the other week, i was washing my clothes and the dryer on this floor is broken- so i needed zen's help to take it upstairs to the dryer..). i passed my cognitive test when i was washing my own clothes when i lived in burnsville where they had accessible washers and dryers.. it's a bit more difficult here- so i haven't been doing my own laundry because it's not as accessible and the dryer wasn't working on THIS floor after i had washed my clothes.. so that's another difficulty because i have trouble hauling wet clothes all the way upstairs to the dryers and WE DON'T HAVE AN ELEVATOR IN THIS PARTICULAR APARTMENT.. so that just makes it more difficult physically for me. i remember back when i first moved here- the case manager i had at the time (gregory) had told me that i wouldn't be staying here that long because i should get an apartment in boston quickly- since they were telling me that my name had come up on the waiting list. it was nice to actually have a case manager who was willing to help me with MY goals. then he got another job and i got a different case manager.. i think i've had at least 3 since i had him since i change case managers more than i change my panties. so really I am ALL i got. (i'm aware of this- so you don't have to keep giving me empty excuses of encouragement like "YOU GOT THIS!" it was cool at first but when you didn't offer any support to go along with it- it's frustrating) i'm the only one who will get myself outta this OPPORTUNITY-LESS STATE. i'm NOT just mindlessly attending some ridiculous excuse of a "rehab facility". I'M DONE WITH THAT SHIT. THEY DON'T MAKE ME GET BETTER OR PROGRESS AT ALL. JUST SO I CAN MAKE IT LOOK LIKE PEOPLE ACTUALLY GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME leading NOWHERE until they gotta shove me in a damn nursing home. right amanda and mom? THIS IS MY LIFE. NO WONDER WHY I HAVE PTSD BECAUSE OF YOU. i never was diagnosed with ptsd when my grandma was alive and i remember them testing me NUMEROUS TIMES for it at gillette because all the shit i went through in my life. JOE IS HONESTLY THE ONLY FAMILY MEMBER WHO HAS ACTUALLY MADE AN EFFORT TO SUPPORT ME BECAUSE HE DOESN'T VIEW ME AS INCONVENIENT. family members who ACTUALLY care about their family members show support and care for their family members even when they DON'T have the same views and goals. and STALKING is NOT the same thing as "support"- mom and fat amy and jessiy. SO THE FASTER I'M FAR AWAY FROM THE FAMILY FROM HELL (EXCEPT JOE AND JAY)- THE BETTER I'LL BE. HONESTLY.

breathing.. the reason why my heart flutters..

i just seen the ics worker for my session, i had told her about the happysleep ring not monitoring my sleep the past few nights because when i opened the app on my phone last night, the night before, and the night before it said i was supposed to put the ring on, even when it was on my damn finger and had been charging all day. regularly, i usually woke up every night about 3 times and my breathing status always read "79%" (or around that number) along with "Watch Out!".. i'm pretty sure that means it didn't sense me breathing at all times during the night. whatever. if doctors aren't concerned to get me a new cpap right away- i'm not either. the ics worker figured out that the problem why my ring wasn't working had to do if the bluetooth was right. i'm pretty sure i figured that out a few weeks ago when i got outta bed and went by the charger with my phone and messed around with the settings.. i just forgot about that until she had me go into settings myself. maybe i'll just go to sleep naturally and never wake up, survival of the fittest or some shit- population control. then amanda and my mom won't have to put on acts like they actually care about me anymore- less to worry about. i also noticed when i was doing my range of motion by the counter that when my heart flutters- it effects my breathing (like my heart beats and breathing seem to align). then jessiy's son antonio came to mind and i wondered exactly why the hell jessiy isn't more apprehensive towards me (seeing as i'm almost positive she reads my blog with my sister like it's the newspaper) and my heart beating abnormally. it's because she's like the rest of my family (with exception to joe) and DON'T CARE AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T HAVE TO DO WITH THEM!.. but god forbid i actually do something with my life because they KNOW they can't take credit for it and they have irrelevant lives they're really not proud of. i seen the cardiologist last week and she just told me that she couldn't do anything with my cpap if i didn't have it there with me. (if i tried to lug that big machine around, i KNOW i would've got hurt and/or broke the cpap more than it already is) i know that people with apnea tend to be loud snorers when they sleep but i remember my grandma telling me all the time how she didn't know if i was still breathing when i was sleeping, i also remember her waking me up in panic a couple times asking me if i was alright because she didn't see me breathing while sleeping at her house. my ex doug claimed that i snored loud, that's why he always slept on my couch when he came to my place in burnsville. he was more than likely full of shit. i just wanna get some sleep. i don't remember the last time i woke up feeling fully rested.

another one.. hopefully i'm successful.

i confirmed my job interview with the clinic that requested one today. i actually have some lyft money left in my account but i don't wanna use it all up when i could find alternative transportation because i need lyft money to take me to and from sabathani every week. so, i asked my job coach if she could take me and she said she'd have to have a colleague to take me (even though it's scheduled during the time she scheduled to meet with me.. so i don't know, people don't ever wanna seem to do their jobs when working with me- whatever..). i have a feeling i'll be forced to take lyft there, so i'm gonna see exactly when i should leave by- so i'm not late and so if i need to, i'll have it planned to call the ride on time. the joys of having to plan transportation instead of DRIVING MY FUCKIN-SELF. i gotta deal with this shit for the rest of my life because no one seems to care about me to advocate for me (YES IDIOTS.. I DO NEED ADVOCACY FOR THIS. AFTER 24 FUCKING YEARS OF TRYING TO GET MY DAMN LICENSE.. DON'T YOU THINK I NEED HELP?! NOT IF YOU'RE A CARELESS, ENTITLED, SELFISH EXCUSE OF A FAMILY MEMBER OF MINE! YOU GOT THIS! you're FUCKING STUPID if you don't understand why i have absolutely NO desire to stay in this fucking state.. fuck you, thanks for showing me exactly who i CAN'T count on when shit happens- lazy, selfish, ignorant pricks). i just hope i get this job, so i won't have time to think about how much my life fucking sucks. "GO TO CHURCH!" yeah because it's so fuckin easy to just get my shit together and go to church with THE LICENSE WHICH WAS REVOKED BECAUSE I WASN'T PHYSICALLY ABLE TO USE IT BECAUSE OF A FUCKIN DRUNK WHO CAN DRIVE, GET MARRIED, HAVE KIDS AND LIVE HIS LIFE ALL FUCKIN NORMAL. THIS IS WHAT YOUR KEWLIEZ SISTER HAS TO PUT UP WITH, TUBS! YOU WANNA BE SO MUCH LIKE ME- PUT UP WITH ALL THE SHIT I HAVE TO.. I GUARANTEE YOU'LL KILL YOURSELF. I KNOW I'VE THOUGHT OF IT MANY FUCKIN TIMES. tim, his kewliez wife, and all his kids don't have to deal with this shit. i fell off my couch this morning talking to the lady about my health alert and i landed on my head. DOESN'T MATTER AS LONG AS I GOT PAID! RIGHT CATHY AND SARAH? you two are gonna answer to your creator on judgment day about why you said this shit. HE'LL KNOW THAT YOU'RE LYING TOO. have fun ladies, say hi to satan for me. my psychologist gave me phone numbers to call if i'm ever thinking about killing myself- i'm not sure where they went. oh well.
the ics assisted me in calling the apartment in massachusetts to find out if they received my application. no one answered the phone, so i just left a message. hopefully they return my call soon.

still can't sleep.

i got up and got ready for the day, i thought i had an appointment to get a new cpap (because i seen on the calendar on my cell phone that i had an appointment for my cpap on there but it wasn't on my wall calendar where i usually put my appointments- so i assumed i just forgot to put it on my calendar on the wall), the lyft driver was driving me and we were on hennepin ave. (because that's what was on my cell phone calendar) but he couldn't find the right numbers, so he was gonna drop me off on the sidewalk near where it said the address was but it wasn't on the buildings.. i raised my voice and said, "ALRIGHT. JUST DROP ME OFF HERE. I'LL GET RAN OVER BY ALL THESE CARS WHEN I FALL, CALLING MY RETURN RIDE." and i got out of the vehicle, then called fredrick and asked him the address, he told me what he seen and i told the driver and he said that's where the gps took him. so i gave the phone to the driver and let him talk to fredrick, that didn't help, so i took the phone back and called a return ride home from lyft. the same driver who was dropping me off told me that he got a request from lyft to return me to my place, so i got in the car and we went back to my home. i had canceled my therapy session because it was at the same time as my appointment for my cpap, so i basically canceled it for nothing. i seen another appointment scheduled i think next monday or the monday after that for my cpap on my calendar.. so i'm HOPING that's the correct appointment, so i can actually fall asleep right away and wake up well rested soon. i also tentatively scheduled another job interview at some clinic in minneapolis.. hopefully things work and i get a job there because i'm BORED and like i said- i tend to get in trouble somehow when i get too bored (which does NOT mean i should go to courage kenny mindlessly because they just underestimate me there to take advantage of my lack of knowledgable advocacy, so i get kept doing easy shit that my living room wall could do and they expect me to keep a good attitude about it while still engaging in their pointless activities my living room wall could do which don't help me at all but it helps them get business while they take advantage of their vulnerable clients LACKING KNOWLEDGABLE ADVOCACY). i'll just continue to look for jobs now.

it's *JUST* a matter of time now!

i just had ics and she helped me mail my confirmation/application to the apartment in massachusetts. i hope this will get me outta here sooner. my immediate family (with exception to my brother, who is too busy WORKING and living his OWN life to cling to me or have any desire to mess up what's going on with my life because he's satisfied with his own life and isn't looking to make people miserable so he can cling to them- he's actually got BETTER things to do with his life) seem to have nothing better to do besides try to wreck what i've worked my whole life to get just because they don't have anything to be proud of themselves. i also had my ics help me schedule an appointment for therapy tomorrow. i hope that this prevents me from falling so much because i forgot to grab my cane before locking my door when i was heading to sabathani yesterday and i called my lyft ride, i had like 3 minutes til my lyft ride came when i finally realized i didn't have my cane. i would've had to unlock my door, walk into my apartment, get the cane, then lock the door again and i KNOW that would've taken longer than 3 minutes- and if i'd have just called a new lyft ride.. it'd take probably at least 45 minutes more to get a ride to sabathani. so i just went to sabathani, without my cane and i didn't fall until after my shift when i was in the bathroom and nobody seen me- so i got myself up right away without getting hurt. i also lost my balance when i got home after i got out of the lyft vehicle, when i was talking to two people and one of them helped me up. my health alert said they'd send me a new necklace like.. hm.. 2 or 3 weeks ago in "5 to 6 weeks". none of this matters considering what i got paid from the car accident! the driver and his family don't have to experience falling and people acting concerned- so it stops them from doing EVERYTHING.. DOESN'T MATTER AS LONG AS I GOT MONEY FROM THE ACCIDENT! *rolls eyes* there ARE more important things besides MONEY. I'M "UNGRATEFUL" THOUGH! WTF WOULD I KNOW?! more like insecure people accusing me of the very thing they are- JUST to feel better about themselves, so they don't have to face the damage they're REALLY responsible for. i hear a black woman saying in my head, "OH NO SHE DIN'T!" haha.. yes i did. you wanna try to indirectly harass me for being a VICTIM and almost dying for something your son almost killed me doing.. WHAT A CHRISTIAN THING TO DO! JESUS WOULD BE PROUD! but please- DO tell me how i need church to save me. when people do things like that- it just tells you exactly what they need themselves to feel better about themselves to distract from anything they've done wrong. so far.. all the family that i've heard from are a bunch of HYPOCRITES. they're just as bad as my own family. no wonder why tim and i seemed to connect so well. honestly. keep stalking me.. i'll move further away from your negative asses. massachusetts is about 200 some miles further away than new york FROM MINNESOTA.. i'll just go further. i've even looked into moving to mexico in case grump's fat ass forces me out of this country even though i'm a DUAL CITIZEN and i did get my citizenship of this country confirmed over a year or two ago- for the nosey jackass sisters trying to get me deported. for idiots who think i'm fine since i'm a dual citizen- grump's fat ass said SPECIFICALLY that DUAL CITIZENS would be DEPORTED also. i'm not sure how i got my citizenship confirmed though.. something with proving my birth certificate and i don't remember what else.