different about EVERYTHING except last name. WHAT A PAIN IN THE BONES.

i don't really understand why my sister gets so wet over me.. she's obsessed. reading my blog WON'T magically turn your fat ass into me. when we were younger, she'd always dress and act like me (i have a picture or two to prove it)- i just assumed it was a phase.. the idiot doesn't understand that there are people who are ACTUALLY SUCCESSFUL with jobs that she could try to mock and it'd actually make sense. she doesn't even look like my brother or i- in family pictures, my brother and i are the brown ones- my sister and mom are white. the reason for that is because my brother and i have the SAME fathers.. unlike my sister (who ALSO has a mexican father but i think he's got a lighter complexion than the father of my brother and i because our father was from mexico..). my brother used to joke that my sister wasn't related to us when my grandma would pull out the family pictures. she doesn't only look different than my brother and i, she doesn't act like either of us either. we're more interested in sports, technology, and we ACTUALLY made sure we GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL. i could have dropped out when i was 16 and put in a wheelchair for the rest of my time in school with a TBI but *GASP* I STUCK IT OUT! i knew that if i dropped out- there'd be NO way i'd be able to get a job. i have a difficult enough time getting employed now with my TBI. people can say it's illegal to discriminate against the handicapped but you try proving that was the reason. it's not as damn easy as a lot of people think.
i feel like a fucking old lady.. my bones in my arms are aching. my left arm hurts more than the right for some reason. it may be because the left side of my brain was injured in the car accident i was in (so my right side of my body is WEAKER than the left) and sometimes when i walk, i brace myself with my left arm when and if i fall. i don't remember falling lately though. i was hoping to get arp therapy again, since i don't remember having pain in my bones when i was getting arp but the lady who handles my finances just called me to tell me that she doesn't wanna do the peer spanish tutor program until the spring (and my tutor actually called me today and i told him, he said that was ok but i'm not sure if he was still waiting to get paid for the classes i had already?). so i'm sure she'd say that it's not in my budget to have arp therapy now, especially since i plan on taking a trip to boston and salem in the fall. insurance doesn't pay for arp either, it's gotta be paid outta pocket. well.. my shitty ass insurance doesn't pay for it anyway.

WHERE DID THIS ISH COME FROM?!

i forgot to give the credit to the LIKELY *mastermind* of spying on stacy because she's already ruined her fucking life- so i gotta try to prevent my smarter older sissy from progressing to where SHE wants and DESERVES to be. my mom NEVER used to give a damn about me (or my brother.. FOR REAL) until my fat younger sister gets into my business. she did this one other time and attempted to threaten my ex-boyfriend zack until he HIT ON HER on facebook. needless to say- fat amy told me and i ended up dumping that piece of shit. however- FOR SOME REASON, she finds it necessary to stalk her smarter older sissy! i honestly don't see why she doesn't take that energy and aim it to something MORE HELPFUL to her- seeing as she doesn't even have her diploma and/or GED. JEFF AIN'T GONNA BE HERE YOUR WHOLE LIFE TO GET YOU A JOB AT THE CREAMERY!.. no offense but i highly doubt your looks will get you anywhere either. PRIORITIES FAT AMY! i think you at least got rid of that bum mike.. now all you need to do is get your ged. my friend avrial got his from summit (the college i was taking my administrative assistant classes at). there ARE closer ged programs around you though. i see billboards for it all the time. DO SOMETHING BENEFICIAL WITH YOUR TIME INSTEAD OF PISSING ME OFF BY GETTING INTO MY BUSINESS BECAUSE YOU AIN'T GONNA GET ANYTHING FROM IT- except for an irritated sister who WILL CUT OFF ALL CONTACT WITH YOU WHATSOFUCKINGEVER. you may think you're smart by blocking your number but that AIN'T GONNA KEEP ME ON THE PHONE TO SPEAK TO YOU- I WILL HANG UP. i'm not sure why the hell it matters but it apparently means SOMETHING to the heifer because she's taking pride in me NOT living in new york (i'll never forget the time when she was with bum-mike telling me how i'd "NEVER MAKE IT TO NEW YORK").. nonono- YOU worry about YOURSELF. EVERYTHING I'VE EVER WANTED TO GET DONE- I FIND A WAY TO GET IT DONE. so worry about yourself, tubs. there's also a possibility that fat amy reads my blog to my mom because my psychologist brought that possibility up to me as well (i was thinking that anyway). however- this gets so many views a day that i'm not sure if or HOW my sister can be around my mom without her irritating the fuck outta her, so i'm not positive that's correct- which is also a reason i mentioned why my mom has lost respect from me because she tries only when it's CONVENIENT for HER. i'm ashamed to be her daughter. i didn't ask for that shit to happen to me where i had to go through AT LEAST TWO SURGERIES ON ACCOUNT OF MY SELFISH, NARCISSTIC MOTHER. you got another daughter- go ruin her life. she's your favorite anyway. PLUS- SHE HAS CHILDREN! SO YOU HAVE GRANDCHILDREN NOW! go ruin their lives.

you asked for it.

i was thinking and i'm sure i've wrote about this thought a few times before.. when my grandma died- amanda CLAIMED how she'd be so "hard" on me making me work hard.. i'd like to know WHEN she plans on making me work so "hard". i'm getting the idea that she expected taking my grandma's place in advocating for me would be just LIKE how my grandma helped my mom since both of us aren't really able to advocate for each other adequately. my grandparents provided free housing for my mom until the apartment got slapped with eminent domain (to later be plowed down and turned into a.. vacant PARKING LOT!). plus, they helped my mom with all her important issues and papers. so don't fucking think you're doing ANYTHING close to what my grandparents did for my mom. plus- i've said this a million times- her brain injury is more severe since she was born with it. she basically can't get better.. although i do find it kinda fishy that she somehow can read as soon as she's aware of my blog (so of course- her and fat amy have nothing better to do but finger themselves to my blog). when i was growing up though, she could never read.. so, she didn't have a job. i'm not sure how anyone can live with themselves, playing stupid so they can take advantage of the government though. just another reason why i'm ashamed to call her "mom". (the other is how she put me in front of her and she used me as a shield to block my dad from kicking her.. people can try to deny it and say, "how would she remember? it happened so long ago!" i distinctly remember my grandma bringing up how my mom turned WITH ME IN HER ARMS when my dad was kicking her and he accidentally kicked me when the doctor asked her and my mom if i had been around anything that would damage or traumatize my abdomen before i had surgery on my perforrated bowel and i read about the cause of my last surgery on my blocked bowel that i had a few months ago and it said it could be caused by trauma or damage to the abdomen so it caused the bowel to be blocked. it may have been a long time ago but i was honestly just sitting at my desk when i first remembered feeling the pain like i had a baby or something kicking my abdomen and it was non-stop until i went in to have the surgery on my blocked bowel. she has lost ALL respect from me. many other people can say they look up to their parents but my mom hasn't achieved SHIT and she held me in front of her when i was younger and my dad was kicking her! what an idol! *rolls eyes* just leave me alone. she's never brought it up to me.. probably because she's ashamed and she doesn't have a defense for her shitty selfish parenting. but yeah!!! keep me in this state so i can get hurt by her again! HOPEFULLY IT'LL BE WORSE, AMANDA! she has never really had a "close" relationship with me and my psychologist said she thinks it's because my body doesn't trust her and rejects any connection or association with her to protect me from getting hurt because i DID tell her about how i stayed with my grandparents all of junior high school and high school until i was injured and needed to stay in a medical foster home in buffalo until my senior year, when i actually returned to my mom's house. BUT YEAH!! KEEP STACY IN AN ENVIRONMENT WITH ZERO OPPORTUNITIES JUST SO SHE CAN BE BY HER NARCISSISTIC, SELFISH LAZY ASS MOM! *thumbs up* i call her "lazy" because she can read when it's convenient for her and so she doesn't have to work. KEEP ME HERE IN THIS STATE SO I CAN CONTINUE INSULTING MY BUM MOM!! and you better believe i WILL for SELFISHLY blowing my opportunity in life when i busted my fuckin ass off just to get there- you know.. something she will NEVER experience in her whole life (ACTUALLY WORKING TO GET TO WHERE THE PERSON THEMSELVES WANT.. *NOT* WHERE THEIR NEGLECTFUL BUM OF A MOM WANTS THEM).

KEPT FROM BEING "CAPABLE" TO DO THINGS FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S CONVENIENCE BECAUSE I'M TOO STUPID TO DO THOSE THINGS BECAUSE OF MY TBI!!

the ics worker came today and i forgot what i had told myself i wanted to work on. i've been telling myself i wanted to work on something specific but then i told him i couldn't remember but i'd call him if i thought of it. ONE of the things i was thinking of came to me since zen told me that he used to be a cook. i can figure out how to make just about everything and i learned from occupational therapy how to make microwave quesadillas, cheeseburgers, tacos, and spaghetti. the only other thing i could think of at the moment that i also wanted to learn how to make was burritos. although i'll more than likely just end up putting already made burritos in the microwave or oven to save time. everyone assumes i can't and don't do anything JUST because i have a pca. they don't bother to acknowledge that he ONLY comes 5 hours a day now just to walk me (up and down the hall for 15 minutes- so i'm safe and i don't fall, but i get my exercise for at least 15 minutes every day). plus, my pca washes my clothes now since the washing machine/dryer on this floor is broken and the washing machines/dryer that work are upstairs and there isn't an elevator in this particular apartment. it pisses me off that people assume that i can't do anything just because i have a pca and tbi. he also helps me get groceries because *gasp* I DON'T HAVE MY DRIVER'S LICENSE STILL! IT WAS REVOKED BECAUSE IT EXPIRED AND EVERYONE JUST ASSUMED I'D BE A VEGETABLE ALL MY LIFE AND IN A DAMN WHEELCHAIR- SO THEY IGNORED MAKING SURE I WAS ABLE TO BE FULLY CAPABLE AND ABLE TO MOVE AROUND INDEPENDENTLY WHEREEVER I WANT, WHEN I WANT BECAUSE WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT STACY. no.. my family is too concerned with their OWN happiness to make sure their vulnerable family member is taken care of so that she's TRULY happy. they just assume that i'm happy because everyone is doing everything for me while many of them are judging me for it because they're egotistical pricks and at least they're "smarter" than ONE person (me) because there's no way they can do anything for themselves because THEM being the SMART doctors everyone should know they are- can categorize and diagnose other people just to make things convenient for THEM so their carelessness towards their family member ACTUALLY looks like it makes sense seeing as that particular relative has other goals and a different mindset than them and it's just more convenient and more EASIER for THEM to ignore their vulnerable adult relative's true intentions and goals because that relative is just crazy and stupid, they don't know how to think properly because they DO have a TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY!! RIGHT AMANDA? SHE'S STUPID AND NO ONE CARES ABOUT HER, SHE'LL EVENTUALLY FORGET WHAT SHE WANTS!
i've also been applying to different jobs on indeed and i honestly came across at least 5 of the damn jobs in the types of jobs i'm interested in that REQUIRE a driver's license. not ALL jobs "require" driver's licenses MY ASS. who told you that for your own fucking NEGLECTFUL CONVENIENCE? IF WE CONVINCE STACY THAT NOT ALL JOBS REQUIRE A DRIVER'S LICENSE, WE DON'T HAVE TO ACTUALLY PUT EFFORT INTO ACTUALLY CARING ABOUT IF SHE'S A FULLY FUNCTIONING SUCCESSFUL INDIVIDUAL BECAUSE HER BRAIN INJURY MAKES HER TOO STUPID TO THINK OTHERWISE! YEAH AMANDA AND THE REST OF MY FAMILY ARE SO SMART AND CARING! UNEMPATHETIC DICKS.

future expenses.

well, i just spoke to amy about what i all want to spend my money on in the near future. she brought up how the spanish teacher called her and told her about how he felt i'd get better results if i had private tutoring in spanish. i mentioned how i was the only one in class now but he claims there'll be more people next time. she said, "that's great that he's able to focus on just you in class but i don't know if paying $2000 (it was more than 2000 but i don't remember the amount she said) is affordable for you RIGHT NOW and you wanted to take that trip to boston and look for housing, then salem." so i'm glad she's on the same page as me. HOPEFULLY boston has more housing opportunities than new york. i know that ics helped me apply to at least one boston housing company so far. i got a letter from them saying they applied me to some different areas which i chose when i was applying. i suppose all i can do right now as i wait for them to get back to me is work on enhancing my resume with job experience. so i'm working on that. i hope some of these jobs i just applied to actually take the next steps in hiring because i got a text message or two yesterday after i applied to some of the jobs that they would contact me when they want to take the next step. i got a text message from european wax associates because i applied for a job at one of their salons telling me to answer some questions and i just tried to click the link and it says it's now dead- i'm pretty sure i went to the link when it was actually working and answered some questions.. we'll see if they get back to me. i'm not waiting on a response from them in order to apply to other jobs in the meantime though. someone's gotta get back to me soon. and i actually am getting cartoon network now! so yay! i spoke to amy and she said that i should be getting it, so i checked about 20 minutes ago and it works.

just a FEW complaints about life..

alright. so i should've figured this shit would happen. i called the ics office yesterday and asked them what time i had my next ics session at- they told me 1:30. so i told fredrick, so i wouldn't forget. fredrick took me to the grocery store (cub) to pick up my meds today at like 10 i think and some groceries and we returned to my place. then 1:30 rolls around and i wait til like 1:35 to call and ask about my 1:30 session i was told i'd have. NO ONE ANSWERS THE FUCKING PHONE (this is a pattern with me- NO ONE answers the phone for me). so i just called them back again like 10-15 minutes ago and abdul finally answered the phone, i asked him if they were coming for my ics session and he said, "well.. we're having a meeting right now and we'll see if we can get back to you afterward.." then i said, "THAT'S WHY YOU PEOPLE DON'T HAND OUT THE CALENDARS WITH THE SCHEDULE ON IT- SO YOU CAN WORK ON YOUR OWN TIME." then he handed the phone to emily and emily just said into the phone, "WE'RE HAVING A MEETING RIGHT NOW. WE'LL GET BACK TO YOUR ICS MEETING AFTERWARD. *CLICK*" so EMILY being the GREAT supervisor she is NOT, is teaching the ics workers it's alright to neglect my needs and time.. kinda explains why abdul and zen are such fuckin pricks to me at times. zen has been somewhat respectful lately.. so it's not really him at the moment and i was thinking abdul was actually trying to be "helpful" to me lately until he gave the phone to miss boss bitch to excuse his inability to help me/do his job correctly. so just being in this particular ics program has me thinking that nothing i want really fuckin matters.. how great is that for self-esteem? i may be 6 feet under thanks to the GREAT ASSISTANCE I'VE EXPERIENCED IN MINNESOTA! NOW I SEE WHY AMANDA KEPT ME HERE AND NEGLECTED TO ASSIST ME TO MOVE TO WHERE I COULD BE REALLY CONSTRUCTIVE. i don't even know what to do right now. i feel like bawling in frustration. this is ridiculous. i've never felt so fucking IGNORED or small in my whole life. i wanted ics to assist me with my x-finity cable because i get all the channels i originally had EXCEPT the main channel i watched- cartoon network. so i've been feeling really bored lately- and when i'm bored- i get bad thoughts and/or bad things happen. x-finity will probably be closed/not answering for some reason by the time ics actually helps me. i was just trying to think of things positively when eating lunch but after this shit happened to me- i'm starting to have other thoughts which are just the OPPOSITE of anything i was thinking. i try to be as constructive as i can be when i start thinking negatively, so i went on indeed yesterday and applied to a few jobs (which actually had views from the employers. so they're at least interested if they're gonna take the time to view my application..). most of the jobs i've applied to recently were in minneapolis- which is actually pretty close to where i live right now.. so that's a plus. seeing as a lot of the damn jobs i looked at specify that "APPLICANT MUST HAVE DRIVER'S LICENSE." so that minimizes a lot of possibilities. people will try to defend their neglect at assisting me to get my driver's license again by saying "A LOT OF JOBS STILL HIRE WITHOUT DRIVER'S LICENSES!" WHERE? WHERE DO THEY STILL ACCEPT APPLICANTS WITHOUT DRIVER'S LICENSES?! you must not be looking on indeed.. i'm pretty sure the jobs that DO hire without driver's licenses are jobs for high school kids- so they pay minimum wage IF THAT, einsteins. however- i can HONESTLY say that i can't find ANY jobs whatsoever which hire WITHOUT A DRIVER'S LICENSE. i've said this a million times and i'll say it again for the dumb fucks who think otherwise: i was NOT drinking alcohol WHATSOEVER during the car accident that i was in- proof of that is how fucked up i got because ALCOHOL PARALYZES THE IMMUNE SYSTEM DURING TRAUMATIC EVENTS. i learned that during one of my victim's impact panels for Mothers Against Drunk Driving.. plus- beer is what the driver was drinking the night of my accident and i HATE beer. the smell of it makes me GAG. so i couldn't and can't drink that shit. my body reflexively rejects it. SO TAKE THAT ASSUMPTION OUT OF YOUR STUPID FUCKING BRAINS AND ACTUALLY DO YOUR DAMN JOBS! i get the impression that ics wants ALL the hours my insurance pays for "care"- INCLUDING fredrick's hours- so they also neglect my care because they're not getting paid ALL of the hours.. MAYBE IF THEY'D ACTUALLY FUCKING HELP ME DURING THE HOURS THEY DO HAVE ALL THE TIME- THEY WOULD GET PAID FOR MORE HOURS TO ASSIST ME! *GASP* OH MY GOD! I'M SO SMART! *rolls eyes* if you were really as good of an ics company that you imply, you wouldn't take these frustrations of not getting the hours you think you deserve out on the damn client of the program since you ARE supposed to be supporting people with mental health SUPPOSEDLY.

MAYBE it's NOT the cause of my pain?

ah.. so me NOT having the baclofen pump anymore MAY NOT be all of the problem of why my left arm hurts me. i say that because i just read online: "If baclofen pills haven’t helped your spasticity, you can try a pump system. It tends to work better for spasticity in the legs rather than the arms." per webMD. so it just may be my arthritis and osteoporosis wearing down on my arm.. which seems like a logical cause. i don't remember the doctors ever asking me about my arms when i used to have a baclofen pump either. my legs haven't been hurting or giving me problems since i've gotten my baclofen pump out either. my legs are actually pretty strong from ALL the hours i stood on a standing frame when i used to have one. it'd be pointless to put me back on a standing frame but it's pointless to even be in this state! so amanda is probably planning how she'll "help" me by getting me a standing frame even though i owned one when i was living in minneapolis AND burnsville. BUT NOBODY LISTENS TO STACY ANYWAY! SHE'S CRAZY! RIGHT, AMANDA?! LET'S TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT!!
in other news, i'm pretty sure i figured out why the ics hasn't passed out calendars yet for this month at all. so they can come on their own time. i asked ics yesterday the next time i had my ics session and they told me "tomorrow at 1:30" so that means today at 1:30.. of course, NO ONE is here from ics to meet with me and they didn't come at 1:30. i know that my session was planned for 1:30 because i told fredrick right after they got off the phone with me yesterday- in case i forgot. so it's not my confusion/mistake. they work on their own time and they usually never answer the phone anyway- which they never did when i called about 5 min. ago to see where they were. i get the feeling they put the other clients at a more important priority than me- i'm not sure if it's because they think i have money or resources or wtf. my family just pays attention to me when it's CONVENIENT or BENEFICIAL to them. i'm unemployed and on social security.. i don't exactly have much money. so they really need to stop assuming shit and consider ACTUALLY doing their fuckin jobs JUST AS WELL as they do it for ANY other client of the program.

TRAPPED IN A GOAL SUCKING ENVIRONMENT GETTING NOTHING ACCOMPLISHED AND *NO ONE* WILL EVEN HELP- MN NICE MY ASS.

i just got back from my spanish class. i think that i'm somewhat comprehending spanish.. i obviously don't know EVERYTHING yet. the teacher seems willing to teach me and work with my traumatic brain injury and ACTUALLY be EMPATHETIC towards my brain injury UNLIKE CERTAIN RELATIVES (*COUGHS* AMANDA *COUGHS*). HE ACTUALLY UNDERSTANDS MY MEMORY PROBLEMS THAT ARE TIED WITH THE BRAIN INJURY AND SEEMS WILLING TO WORK WITH THEM INSTEAD OF PUTTING IT ON SOME UNHELPFUL ASS FACILITY WHICH DOESN'T EVEN REALLY HELP THEIR CLIENTS UNLESS THEY HAVE ADVOCACY TO STROKE THEIR DICKS TO MAKE THEM APPEAR AS IF THEY ACTUALLY HELP THEIR CLIENTS- WHETHER THEY HAVE ADVOCACY OR MONEY.
i went to bed last night moderately early for me (it was like 10:30 ish when i laid down but it always takes me a long time to fall asleep EVEN with my CPAP- which i DID have on) and my left arm was hurting me a little (i had called the ics office phone yesterday morning and the guy gave me tylenol because it hurt), however this morning when i called, the guy just said, "well i just left there like a few hours ago.. so it wouldn't really make sense for me to go back.. could you get the tylenol yourself?" then i said, "well.. my arm hurts whenever i reach, so i doubt i'd be able to reach on top of the fridge to get it without being in pain which would probably make me fall." then he said, "well i JUST left there and it wouldn't make sense to go back.. can't you just close your eyes until the next staff comes on at 7?" so i said through my teeth, "okay. fine." then i hung up and called my case manager and care coordinator and left them messages about my problem. then i tried to fall asleep, the pain pissed me off so much that i just got my ass up outta bed and i was gonna get those tylenol EVEN if they were on my fuckin fridge.. luckily- i found them on my counter before i went to my bathroom to grab my reacher to reach on top of the damn fridge. i took 2 tylenol and put the bottles back on the counter and went back to bed. i actually managed to fall back asleep relatively fast until i had to wake up at 8 to get ready to go to my spanish class at about 9:30. it kinda annoys me because i have a feeling these ICS workers are being paid too much to do shit they do on their own damn time IF AT ALL. i almost fell going to the bathroom last night because i use my left arm for leverage when i'm falling and it just happens to hurt and feels like needles are pricking my fingers. the nurse who fills my anodyne machine now is here and i told her about the pain in my left arm- all she said was to tell my doctor, this is my FIRST time having this particular nurse.. just my luck. i had actually considered calling the main nurse because her phone number was on my recent calls in my cell phone last night/this morning when i was in pain. when i see my doctor- they better not jump to putting that damn baclofen pump shit up my ass again because that was inconvenient as hell and it stuck outta my stomach- i needed to be careful that it wouldn't get hit or damaged. SO YOU TRY HAVING AN IMPLANTED DEVICE IMPLANTED INTO YOUR BODY WHICH NEEDS TO BE REFILLED EVERY MONTH. NOT CONVENIENT AT ALL BUT OF COURSE IT DOESN'T CONCERN THE PEOPLE THAT DON'T HAVE THEM- SO WHO CARES ABOUT WHAT'S INCONVENIENT FOR STACY AND IF THERE ARE ANY ALTERNATIVES! i more than likely don't need a replacement one in because they haven't even tried putting me on baclofen pills as an alternative yet- which is definitely more convenient for me if i need anything at all. i'm not a doctor. so i'm not gonna go sending my cousins to rehabilitation centers that i've never been to myself to see if they're not just an institute who takes advantage of disabled clients without advocacy JUST because my in-law works there and it'd make me look "caring" (even though i never answer their phone calls or returned their messages- i just avoid responsibility by telling them they "got this!" to get them off my case IF I ACTUALLY TAKE THE EFFORT TO DEAL WITH THEM!). so with all that said- nobody gives a damn about my health problems and i'm NOT in a place where they're willing to adequately help me even if they ARE paid to assist and care for me. YET- MINNESOTA IS THE "BEST" FOR HEALTH CARE EVEN IF SHE CAN'T TALK FROM FIRST HAND EXPERIENCE TO KNOW WHAT'S BEST! IT'S MORE CONVENIENT THOUGH- SO FUCK ALL OF STACY'S GOALS- EVEN IF SHE WORKED HER ASS OFF TO ACCOMPLISH THEM. SHE MAY BE SMART BUT SHE'S CRAZY- SO WE CAN JUST TRY TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT JUDGMENT FOR OUR CONVENIENCE.. RIGHT AMANDA?!

STOP TALKING ABOUT ME IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA TALK TO ME.

what i'll never understand is how amanda, her mom, and my mom expect me NOT to operate at my FULLEST CAPABILITY and just rely on social security. amanda.. would YOU like to be forced to rely on SOCIAL SECURITY and give up EVERYTHING YOU WORKED YOUR ASS OFF FOR TO LIVE IN A PLACE WHERE YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO LIVE AND SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN WHAT YOU WORKED HARD IN SCHOOL, SPORTS, AND WORK FOR JUST BECAUSE YOUR IT'S MORE CONVENIENT FOR YOUR FAMILY. *EVEN* THOUGH IT'S *NOT* THEIR LIVES AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF CHOICES BECAUSE IT'S NOT THEIR LIVES. when you're capable of doing MORE but people refuse to acknowledge all the therapy, school, and living situations YOU'VE ALREADY lived at?! YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT AND DON'T TRY TO LIE TO ME AND SAY YOU WOULD BECAUSE AT LEAST PEOPLE CARE ABOUT YOU! IF YOU DICKS REALLY CARED FOR ME- YOU'D REALIZE ALL THE SHIT I'VE BEEN THROUGH JUST TO GET WHERE I AM AND I'M NOT STOPPING FOR YOUR FUCKING CONVENIENCE SO YOU APPEAR "CARING". MY GRANDMA WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO TRULY CARED FOR ME BECAUSE SHE RESPECTED THAT EVEN AFTER ALL THE SHIT THAT HAPPENED TO ME IN NEW YORK- I STILL WANT TO LIVE IN THE STATE. I DON'T WANNA LIVE IN THE SAME DAMN AREA AS MY ACCIDENT HAPPENED. I'M NOT GOING TO GO BACK IN MY DAMN PROGRESS IN THERAPY OR LIFE JUST TO MAKE MY RELATIVES WHO REALLY DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ME UNLESS IT'S CONVENIENT AND/OR BENEFICIAL TO THEM HAPPY. i'll walk out in front of a car or train before i do that shit. this is a warning. i AM capable of it. i don't have anything else to lose anymore. it just baffles me how amanda is so okay with making her AUNT look like a LYING, OVERCONFIDENT old crazy lady by not doing the things she told her she'd do. if my grandma had wanted me ANYWHERE else OTHER than where I TRULY wanna live.. DON'T YOU THINK SHE WOULD'VE TAKEN ALL THE PRIVILEGES TO SPEAK FOR MYSELF AWAY? yeah.. that's what i thought, you're NOTHING but a lazy incompetent excuse of "support" like the REST of my family (except joe- who HAS actually came to see me here in st. paul and cared enough to check on me during my last SURGERY- DON'T SAY YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT EITHER BECAUSE I CALLED AMANDA AND HER MOM AND LET THEM KNOW I WAS IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM TO NO RESPONSE). i'm just basically WASTING my time here. my family doesn't care about me but i think they have the idea that they'll be portrayed as "uncaring" if they allow me to move to another state. NO.. YOU ARE UNCARING BECAUSE IT'S TOO INCONVENIENT FOR YOU TO CHECK ON ME TO SEE HOW I AM AND HOW I'M FUCKING WASTING MY LIFE HERE. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET RESPECT OR CONTACT FROM ME THIS WAY. WHY DOESN'T MY MOM TRY PISSING ANOTHER BOYFRIEND OF HER'S OFF AND PUT MY OTHER SISTER IN FRONT OF HER WHILE HE KICKS HER?! this sounds crazy, right? WELL NOT TOO CRAZY OF MY MOM TO DO TO ME AS AN INFANT/YOUNGER CHILD. PROOF YOU ASK?! THE TWO SURGERIES I'VE HAD ON MY ABDOMINAL ORGANS (WELL- MY BOWEL AND INTESTINES..). i DISTINCTLY remember my grandma telling the story about when the doctor asked if i had been in any situations which caused trauma to my abdominal region and my grandma said she remembered when my dad was beating on my mom and he kicked her with me in her arms but she was turning with me in her arms and he accidentally kicked me- that was about the time when my grandpa got pissed off at him and chased him to mexico and that was the last time i seen him. MY MOM SHOULD'VE WENT TO MEXICO TOO, SO SHE COULD GO THROUGH ALL THE SHIT I'VE WENT THROUGH ON ACCOUNT OF HER NARCISSISTIC ASS.
OH GOOD LORD! SHE'S GONNA WORK ANOTHER JOB AND WE WON'T BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT HER AND/OR LAUGH AT HER ANYMORE FOR JUST RELYING ON SOCIAL SECURITY! AND I WON'T BE JUST LIKE MY MOMMY EITHER FOR EVERYONE ELSE'S FUCKING CONVENIENCE! *GASP* I DO HAVE MY OWN LIFE!

all i needed was a little guidance and help.

alright! i may be getting somewhere now.. i screwed around with the files and edited my resumes, then i called zen to ask him if he'd help me get my files onto my cell phone (because that's where i access my indeed account- so i could upload and change my resume when i re-uploaded this new edited version with the changes i made to it- so it actually looks like i'm a little more active with my employment/achievements). he just left my apartment and helped me upload the new edited resume onto my cell phone. then he asked me if there was anything else i wanted to work on- i said, "um.. massachusetts or boston housing.." then he looked at my cell phone's email to check if they got back to me. i said to him while he was looking, "i got an email from champs a while ago- saying they were reviewing my account." then he searched my email in case i got an updated email from them- he checked and said they were still reviewing my account and i asked him if i was registered for subsidized housing/public housing and he said the public housing option was checked on my options- so they're still reviewing it. he told me it'd probably be like 6 months until they get back to me. i guess all i can do while i wait is try to build my resume to be as active as i can get it. i need to go upload this new edited version of my resume onto indeed now, so HOPEFULLY i'll get more interest from employers.

job..

my job coach is coming in about a half an hour. i'm not sure if i expressed my frustration with her on my blog lately. something tells me i MUST'VE because she irritated me so much when she told me i should remove the event when i wrote and gave a speech for Mothers Against Drunk Driving because it "happened longer than 10 years ago" so it's not relevant or some shit- however, when i went to my last job interview (which turned out to be a waste of time because they were only looking for full-time workers and i can only work part-time right now because it'll mess my benefits up), my job coach handed a lady at the job i THOUGHT i was interviewing my resume and she read through it, then flipped the paper and read the back- i KNOW that's where my speech is listed (on the back), then she read it and said, "impressive.." she didn't say it was impressive until after she read the back.. so i'm almost GUARANTEEING that she meant MY SPEECH was impressive.. she didn't care how old it was. i'm not sure if she and her supervisor figure that if i give the resume with my speech listed- they won't have a job anymore with me and they'll have one less client. there are TONS of other unemployed people out there.. so i don't really understand why they're so set on keeping me as a client if i happen to find a job. i recently volunteered for central honors philando on sunday- honoring philando castile's life because he was killed by a police 10 years ago. so i added that to my resume yesterday but i'm not sure if my job coach will tell me to take it off for some reason. i think it'd show that i'm able to help children because i listed it as i worked at the activity table for children at the event. i DO have other resumes made WITHOUT mentioning my speech and i'm pretty sure that's what my job coach told me to use for the last.. oh i think about last 3 or 4 months at least and *GASP* NO ONE SHOWS ANY INTEREST IN HIRING ME! *rolls eyes* it wasn't til lately when i just printed out the resumes WITH the speech listed and i'm pretty sure i sent the last guy who i THOUGHT i was having the interview with- the new resumes WITH my speech listed. so i'm not sure if this job coach is REALLY trying to help me get hired or if she just wants a client who is motivated EVEN when they've been unemployed for 4 years (dexian called me this morning and they asked me the last time i worked and they said it said on my resume it was in 2021.. i didn't even think about telling them about how i just volunteered this past sunday.. damnit). i'm sure that's a major reason why no one is really interested- they want more relevant employment but I'VE HAD A JOB COACH AT LEAST FOR THE PAST 3 YEARS.

hope i didn't make it awkward as usual

i was thinking this morning about the hug i shared with valerie castile. i don't remember if I was the one to cut the hug off- she hugged me for a long time while i was thanking her for everything she did and i told her how her son was a great guy and he's in a better place now. she seemed really comfortable hugging me and answered back, "yeah." after i said a few different things a few times she replied agreeing with what i was saying and at the end she thanked me for helping and being supportive- so i know she was listening to what i said to her, so i hope i didn't stop the hug too soon/made her feel like i was starting to feel awkward because it was such a long hug because i didn't wanna make her feel bad in any way because she's gone through so much shit and she still is fighting for her son and making scholarships in his name. i'm glad she remembered me (like i said- i just hope it wasn't for bad reasons but i honestly can't think of anything i did that was bad last year OR this year- like i can think of my temper has caused me to do a few times in the past during different situations), i look up to her for going through so much shit and keeping her head up and still helping people. i hope i can be like that because she was throwin down on the dance floor even after all the shit she's been through. she handled things A LOT better than other moms i know of. like i said- i don't understand why some women have children when they're not ready- putting NOT ONLY them through shit but their CHILDREN as well. i don't really think women should be having abortions all the time but they really need to consider the pill or the depo shot to prevent unprepared pregnancies, which i HAVE had BOTH in the past, so it's not like i'm telling other women to do something i wouldn't/haven't done myself.
my damn arms and hands hurt like a bitch, i think it's probably because of muscle tone. i never used to have this trouble because i used to have a baclofen pump (which i DON'T want shoved up my ass again because going in to get it refilled with baclofen every other month was inconvenient as hell and i didn't like having a little box rammed under my rib cage and because i'm so thin- you could see it with my skin covering it plain as day, it actually looked disgusting in my opinion- i had that shit for over 15 years i think). doctors never brought up putting me on regular baclofen PILLS after it was removed. that seems like a more logical solution rather than just relying on a device implanted in someone to send out the SAME medicine which needs to be refilled with the SAME medicine every 2 months- although i think i was told they could replace mine which holds baclofen for 6 months but that's inconvenient as hell going through a damn surgery to put something back in my body that i JUST had removed.

bored=extra time for stacy to get in trouble.

i woke up today and ate breakfast, my ics worker came for like 15 minutes to bring a chair into my kitchen from my bedroom. then fredrick brought me to central honors philando meeting. i'm pretty sure i didn't fall once when we were at the event. i didn't push it so much when dancing to the dj because when this happened to me before, i ended up falling when dancing around and having to go to an emergency room. it was really nice because there was a time at the event after valerie castile made the speech she made where i got to hug her and thank her for doing everything she does and philando was a good man and he's in a better place- God takes his strongest soldiers first. i didn't even have to think about what to say to her, it was like someone was telling me what to say. i also was kinda surprised that i actually got to talk to her, i remember last time- she seemed too busy to talk to people. i think she remembered me though because she had to help me with my ride home since i'm pretty sure i took metro mobility and they unsurprisingly fucked it up. another volunteer told me that she remembered me and my pca from last time when she gave me a water. so i guess i'm an unforgettable person? i hope they remember me because i made a good impression on them. i know i usually remember people because of the shitty things they do but that may just be me because of my short-term memory caused by my traumatic brain injury.
no one has been assisting me get cartoon network back on my tv. it just went out and i'm pretty sure it's the only channel i can think of that i always watch and i don't get it anymore (the ics tells me i gotta talk to my trustee and when i talk to her about it- she tells me to find something else to watch.. IT'S NOT THAT FUCKIN EASY.. ESPECIALLY when i don't watch the news because i read that negative people typically watch the news and they always are pessimists)- so i don't have a job, i don't have cartoon network to occupy me anymore, i always seem to get in trouble when i'm bored- so consider this a warning. i read my books but after a while, it gets old or i lose concentration thinking about something else i should be doing.

so you think you're LIKE me? the only similarities are DNA.

alright.. so i was thinking about how my mom seems to be doing the same shit as my sister used to be doing (she may still be doing it- i've just learned to ignore it?) and attempting to be a stacy jr. my mom is so dense that she doesn't realize older people are SUPPOSED to look UP to people OLDER than them (and/or in higher spots of authority). IF my mom was so much like me- SHE'D BE MORE FUCKIN RACIALLY PLURALISTIC. she may try to defend herself by using the argument, "BUT YOU'RE MEXICAN! I WAS ABLE TO REPRODUCE WITH A MEXICAN! YOUR GRANDMA ALSO HAS INDIAN IN HER! I CAN'T BE RACIST!" wrong.. as usual.. YOU have always had this fear of black people. i'm MORE racially pluralistic than YOU and all of my damn family on your side (except joe of course, he realizes that people are DIFFERENT and that God made EVERYONE DIFFERENT and UNIQUE). it's pricks like YOU that were the cause of philando castile's death. i know damn well that YOU would NEVER volunteer your time to support a black man who was killed by police. you have "better" things to do.. right? spoken like a true white supremacist. which just ONE look at me and i could NEVER be considered one of those.. nor would i EVER want to be. i'm more intelligent than that. i know that you and the rest of my damn ignorant family members are gonna jump to immediately backing the police on this one.. the man was a SCHOOL COOK who gave FREE food out to students who couldn't afford to pay for the food. SOUNDS LIKE A CRIMINAL TO ME! *rolls eyes*.. your ass better call somebody. not me though because it annoys the shit outta me to speak to you since ALL you do is COMPLAIN (and i told my psychologist that i was getting rid of all negativity starting last year i think?) and besides- you have never really been a role model to me like other daughters look up to their moms. my mom used ME as a SHIELD while my own dad was kicking her when i was an infant/younger girl! WHAT A ROLE MODEL! I'VE HAD AT LEAST TWO SURGERIES TO PROVE IT. ANYTHING she may have done for me was assisted to her by my grandparents. WHAT A GREAT PARENT. *rolls eyes* that is why you don't have kids if you can't take care of them.. i realize that she's a SINGLE PARENT (which also poses more responsibility- that's why my grandparents helped her raise me and my siblings). i know all this complaining about how shitty of a parent my mom was must bore the shit outta my nosey ass relatives who spy on me and think they're being secretive by reading my blog.. i got a solution for you- DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME READING IT ANYMORE SINCE YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE CONTRADICTING THOUGHTS! *gasp* i had a suspicion i was the smart one of the family- EVEN if i DO stupid things with my intelligence. maybe i'm bored and i need to be somewhere that keeps me CONSTRUCTIVE and HAPPY?! by that i do NOT mean courage kenny. they either put me on a machine that my living room wall could operate or they just walk me up and down the halls LIKE I CAN (and DO walk EVERY single day in my own apartment for cheaper). i don't want ANYTHING to do with ignorant pricks who think they're better than anyone because they're different than them. even my boyfriend knew that i came from the ignorant part of the state because he said to me after he asked me where i grew up and i told him, he said, "oh.. you're from THAT area.." *covers head* yes.. i'm from THAT area. the bottom line is God created EVERYONE DIFFERENT SO WE'D BE UNIQUE IN OUR DIFFERENCES. i don't wanna talk to anyone who thinks differently. that includes my smart ass cousin who thought it was funny to make a joke about hanging n words when obama was made president on facebook. i'm never going to forget that shit. i lost ALL respect for dustin after that and guess what? IT'S NOT COMING BACK. especially NOT when i seem to be the subject of the conversation you share with amanda about me and how crazy i am, and how i'll never make it anywhere. RIGHT AMANDA? you're SUPPOSED to be SUPPORTIVE of me- that's why my grandma put YOU in charge of assisting me because she HOPED you'd have more knowledge than she did to get me to new york. she was getting old and tired which just made her more naive and she understood that- so she trusted her niece to HELP me get where I want to be in life since *GASP* THIS IS MY LIFE! she didn't have confidence in her own ability to get me living in new york safely.. AMANDA ISN'T CONCERNED ABOUT THAT THOUGH. IF IT DOESN'T HAVE TO DEAL DIRECTLY WITH HERSELF- TIME TO LAUGH AT STACY SARCASTICALLY BECAUSE EVEN IF SHE BUSTED HER ASS IN SCHOOL (I WAS AN HONORS STUDENT) IN 2 DIFFERENT SPORTS AND I DID TRY COLLEGE TWO OR THREE TIMES BUT AMANDA DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THAT BECAUSE IT'S EASIER FOR HER TO JUST LET THE COURAGE CENTER DEAL WITH ME SINCE I DO HAVE A TBI- SO I'M AUTOMATICALLY TOO DISABLED TO MAKE DECISIONS FOR MYSELF EVEN IF I HAVE WENT TO THE DAMN COURAGE CENTER FOR AT LEAST 4 OR 5 YEARS WITH THEM UNDERESTIMATING ME THE WHOLE TIME BECAUSE I'M THEIR DREAM COME TRUE- A TRULY MOTIVATED, UNADVOCATED FOR CLIENT! WE CAN JUST TELL HER SHE'S TOO STUPID TO DRIVE AND MAKE HER GO ON THE STUPID NU-STEP (WHICH DOES NOT HELP ME FOR SHIT). i even PAID for BEHIND-THE-WHEEL DRIVING LESSONS SINCE THAT'S WHAT THE DAMN COURAGE CENTER TOLD ME TO DO AND *GASP* THEY TOLD ME I WAS ABSOLUTELY SAFE TO DRIVE IF I GOT A VEHICLE TO TAKE THE BEHIND-THE-WHEEL DRIVER'S LICENSE TEST! IT'S LIKE EVERYONE WANTS TO STOP ME FROM DOING ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING EVEN IF I DO HAVE THE CAPABILITY TO DO THEM. COURAGE KENNY CAN KISS MY FUCKIN ASS. IF I GET FORCED TO GO THERE- I WILL ACT LIKE A MANIAC AND I GOT KICKED OUT OF MY PREVIOUS APARTMENT TO PROVE I'M CAPABLE OF IT. DON'T PUT SHIT PAST ME EVER.