i'm NOT gonna live *ANYONE*'S life but *MY* own. if i'm forced to downgrade *MY* goals.. we'll see how much of my life i'll have left- THANKS TO AMANDA

i'm hopefully getting prepared to move. *GASP* what am i thinking?! who do i think i am thinking I can live MY life how I want?! pfft.. i'll never make it- ISN'T THAT RIGHT AMANDA?! YOU ARE PART OF THE REASON WHY I'M GETTING OUTTA THIS UNOPPORTUNISTIC STATE. *GASP* I BELONG AT COURAGE KENNY LIKE A MENTALLY HANDICAPPED MINDLESS CLIENT SO I CAN MAKE *YOUR* LIFE EASIER BY NOT HAVING MY MOM CALL YOU AND YOUR MOM WHINING ABOUT HOW MUCH SHE SUPPOSEDLY MISSES ME. I'M TOO STUPID TO HAVE MY OWN GOALS! I DO HAVE A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY SO THAT MAKES ME MENTALLY HANDICAPPED! RIGHT AMANDA?! NO ONE CAN BE AS SMART AS YOU! WHO IN THE HELL DO I THINK I AM?! this morning when i was listening to the breakfast club this morning- the positive note of the day was about how it's rewarding to take risks because the risk could be an opportunity to make your life the best life you can imagine (something around that meaning.. i have a bad memory.. so i don't remember EXACTLY what it was.. this is ironic because if i don't take the risk of moving to boston- my life will more than likely become an uneventful one where i end up drinking pepsi and smoking cigarettes while talking to my dogs which will drive me to end it).
this business at mall of america is interested in hiring me. i spoke to the guy about the job about 10 minutes ago and i'm more than capable of performing the tasks this job asks except i might get tired if i escort guests from the store to the bus stop all the time but i'm not sure if there's some way i can get around that- the guy i spoke to today about the job is going to check on it. i'm also not sure how much longer i'll be in this state because i remember zen telling me that he'd help me check out the apartment in concord this week because they have a deadline i have til i can PERSONALLY accept the apartment and view it so i can sign papers personally but zen asked the lady for an extension and she hasn't gotten back to us about that yet.

Proof!

furthermore- the fact that i STILL don't have my driver's license back here in minnesota is just MORE proof of the LACK of care and love i receive from my family (who is expected to HELP their "loved" ones to get EVERYTHING to help them be SUCCESSFUL and truly HAPPY) that's OVER TWENTY THREE YEARS SINCE I GOT A TBI. my family clearly doesn't care about me- the furthest i'm able to get is my permit and i'll probably be forced to take the knowledge test again in massachusetts. hopefully it's easier to get my drivers license there compared to unhelpful ass minnesota.

advocacy issues- WHAT'S NEW?!

okay.. tomorrow afternoon i go to have another driving evaluation. this time it's not at that pathetic overrated excuse of a "rehabilitation center"- who is simply MORE concerned about taking advantage of clients who lack advocacy rather than ACTUALLY assisting EVERYONE (regardless of how "good" they'll make them look) progress and succeed. the person who my grandma CLAIMED would assist me in getting my driver's license back again, along with a vehicle I could drive- neglects me and ignores what she told the aunt who she SUPPOSEDLY cares about would do. i've went through that pathetic excuse of a rehab. center's driving program AT LEAST TWICE and failed BOTH times with the comment "needs more therapy".. i KNOW of people who aren't ambulatory who the courage center approved to drive.. why's that? they ACTUALLY had ADVOCACY to stroke courage kenny's dicks. if the people tomorrow don't give me my license back tomorrow- just further proof that this state tries to take advantage of the unadvocated and vulnerable clients. you're honestly NOT proving anything but your poor judgment and incompetence of the health care of minnesota which is enabled to take advantage of their most vulnerable clients who have taken ALL the steps in order to advance to the next stage by naive, negligent twats of relatives of the clients but they're too fucking incompetent, so they falsely lie just to keep vulnerable people depending on them and naive careless relatives just eat what they say up because IT'S NOT THEIR PROBLEMS PERSONALLY! hopefully it'll be different tomorrow considering i'm going to a different place than those asses at courage kenny. more proof that nobody gives a damn about me in this state.

hope i'm not forgetting anything.

i'm not sure if there's something else i need to do to accept this housing offer. i forgot if the offer was in boston or a surrounding area. i just hope there's not something else that i need to be doing in order to accept this offer. i'll probably figure out how to get ahold of the lady who i'm talking about the apartment to. she told me that i should make sure my cable and internet are switched over but i'm not sure i can do much on the weekend and i hope she sent me the address of the apartment i'll be living in. zen told me that next week i should be able to see the apartment personally but i need to make sure my trustee can get me an airplane ticket and hotel reservations, along with a travel pca to go with me for a few days. i just hope nothing falls through and there's not something i'm forgetting to do. from the sounds of it- the apartment is gonna be a handicapped accessible.. so there should be a walk-in shower like in burnsville along with lowered kitchen counters and accessible stoves. God has just been uplifting me to better environments- so i'm just going with the flow and hoping it continues. boston is like minnesota except A LOT CLEANER environment, climate, the people seem more helping (surprising since minnesota is SUPPOSED to be "minnesota nice".. people in minnesota seem to be have entitled attitudes at times- i'm sure there's entitled attitudes everywhere but not that i really noticed there) but straight to the point. i spoke with someone yesterday and they said, "well massachusetts has high taxes.." then i said, "yeah. so does minnesota." then they said, "oh.. yeah.. i don't think the taxes there are quite as expensive as minnesota though.. close but i don't think they're more than here." the high taxes there would explain why it's so nice there and why i don't remember seeing much garbage if any on the ground there, besides- it doesn't have phony ass relatives who just want to see you doing as bad as them, so they ACT like they care about you- where was this concern when my dad was kicking you and you felt like using me as a shield, so you wouldn't get kicked? i had reminiscing dreams of the situation around the time of my last surgery.. so don't deny that bullshit parenting. it's like God was telling me something to protect me. whatever it was- you can't even take accountability for the abuse and neglect done to me. i never asked to be born to such an entitled and negligent mom. EVEN the man who nearly killed me had enough respect to take accountability for it- NOT even my OWN mom can apologize to me for being the reasons of the surgeries i've needed to have as a result of using me as a shield. kinda explains the lack of communication.. when narcissists hurt people, they refuse to take accountability for it (i'm sure she's ashamed of herself but she still hasn't apologized for it- so i could care LESS). SO I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THE ELEVATION IN LIFE. i've wasted too much of my time, ability, and life minimizing my capabilities just so people can appear "helpful" and "loving". it's MY time now. if they REALLY CARED about me as much as they insinuate- they'd be supporting me to be as successful and happy with my life as possible- NOT just to BENEFIT them.

it's starting to hit me.

i was waiting for this moment to come- i realize that i'm giving up a good situation for an unknown situation. to finish it off- i'm not even positive jem will give me the time of day.. especially since he's never made an effort to stay in communication with me for years. so i'm chasing unsure possibilities and giving shit up just to do so- then once that falls through, i'm back at first base/where i started. however.. i always have to be optimistic about this and think, "what if it works out better than i hoped?" there's also not a certainty that it WON'T work out and if i just sit here thinking pessimistically, basically nanchalantly hoping it DOESN'T work.. it's sure not to work and i will end up EXACTLY where i dread ending up and being a disabled bum who depends on social security, drinks pepsi, smokes cigarette after cigarette and talks to her damn dogs. that is one of the biggest reasons why i jumped at this opportunity to get as far AWAY from what i don't wanna end up. i broke up with my boyfriend also because i'm pretty sure long distance relationships don't work and i wouldn't mind it but i assumed my boyfriend wouldn't really like it eventually- that doesn't seem fair, so i had to break it off. then he said he was coming over to my place yesterday to get the tent and sweatshirt he left here and never showed up. i've been trying to message him asking him if he was gonna come get his tent and he hasn't responded.. he told me the last time he was here that his cell phone wasn't working right- so he didn't get any of my texts. so he never did anything wrong to make me break up with him- it was more because of me. i keep getting these waves of depression/sadness where i start crying when i think about what if all this doesn't work out and i gave up a good guy for nothing.. hopefully it works out because i will blow my brains out if i end up depending on social security, still in this state, drinking pepsi and smoking cigarette after cigarette. people can try to say, "she's all talk, no action.. she won't do it." we'll see. we'll see. i think back to my previous care coordinator who said to me that i'm all talk and no action- then i think about how her son who also had a brain injury killed himself. i'm almost guaranteeing she said that same shit to him and where is he now? in a coffin underground (unless he got cremated)! so don't push it when you're dealing with people with brain injuries. we're crazy, we don't have anything to lose (well.. I don't have anything left to lose.. seeing as i've lost it all when i was 16). my ics worker also requested to the lady who i'm talking to about getting the boston apartment if she can possibly ask for an extension of a few days for me to sign the papers for the apartment in boston because we want to make sure my health care gets switched over, so i actually have pca assistance when i get there. i'm not sure if she's replied yet.. i gotta check. other than zero family support (other than joe), trying to avoid becoming what most people think i'll become, and the expectation to attend some overrated pathetic excuse of a rehab. facility instead of actually working like a responsible adult- this stupid state can't even give me my damn driver's license back without giving me the stupid reason "needs more therapy" just to get that overrated pointless excuse of a "rehabilitation center" another client because WHO THE HELL CARES ABOUT THE UNADVOCATED, VULNERABLE PEOPLE OF THIS STATE! THEY CAN'T POSSIBLY HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO BESIDES BEING UNDERESTIMATED AND DISCOURAGED TO SHOW THEIR TRUE ABILITY! RIGHT AMANDA AND MOM?! they're not people. they don't deserve to get the same opportunities as a fully abled person! RIGHT?! exactly why i'm off to other places who actually give me the opportunity to function as a normal person. if you honestly cared about me- you'd be supportive of it because otherwise i'll more than likely end up like my previous care coordinator's son.

switchin up once again.

i'm trying to figure out if i have everything i need to continue moving.. the last conversation that i had with the apartment manager lady i spoke to about this apartment was today- i'm pretty sure there's nothing else i can do as long as my financial source is out of the office until monday. i hope i'm making the correct decision to move here. that'd mean i'd need to somehow see if my job coaching and health services would transfer over to massachusetts and i tried to call my case manager and trustee to make sure they were switched over but my trustee is out of the office until monday. i used to run into this problem of not getting to communicate with my trustee all the time when brian was my trustee.. it must be the bank or something which gives me this same problem. i just hope that i'm not forgetting to do anything i could be doing but the lady said, "you're responsible for paying for cable and internet.. so you just gotta make sure you got that covered." the person that would deal with switching that over is out of the office until monday- so there's not really anything i can do because i don't know my address.. although i feel like i got a text message or something telling me the address of the apartment- now that i'm thinking about it, it might be on the state's apartment management site which i logged on this morning to check if there's anything else i need to do. i'll go check that site and see if there's anything more i need to do. i guess i could see if ics would assist me in calling x-finity and getting the switch arranged if i can find my new address on that site on my account. i'm gonna go see now.

I GOT TEN DAYS!

the ics worker who helped me today helped me call the housing agency that i got the housing offer from today. she said that my name came up on the waiting list and i had 11 days to accept the offer or my name would be dropped off the list. in the back of my mind- i have this thought that people are gonna make excuses for me not to take this offer and i'll end up a loser, depending on social security, living in subsidized housing in minnesota and talking to my dogs while drinking pepsi and smoking cigarettes one after the other. i swear if people don't do their damn jobs to make this happen for me- i will be firing people. the lady who i told this to at the housing agency, told me i have until the 6th of march to PERSONALLY accept this offer.. so i need a plane ticket and moving arrangements made by then. i feel like this has happened before to me and they told me to just look for other places because it was too soon of an offer. i'll let you people know that if you don't help me at this time- you can look for NEW JOBS. i'm not kidding either. it feels like something like this happened for me with a new jersey apartment and people tried to tell me it was too little time to get everything in order. so this SAME shit and stupid story will just continue to be the same stupid excuse EVERY time. NO MORE. i'll find a way to get my own damn ticket and get there if someone doesn't help me do it safely guaranteed. i've done it before. don't push me. i'm crazy- i don't have anything left to lose anymore. so this little bit of hope to a new life actually gives me the desire to think good things are finally happening after 24 fuckin years. don't mess this up and stupid careless relatives can laugh at this all they want but that's just more proof of the little support to be happy doing the things I want in this damn state. i was thinking about this and God only promotes me in life.. everywhere i've lived has been better than the previous environment/place. i'm not looking for permission. just for support and i'm sure joe will support me, i don't know of anyone else though.

no more "what about"s.. i don't have time for those anyway.

i just checked my email after i scheduled another job interview for tomorrow. i got an email from the housing company i'm working with telling me that i got a housing offer from the housing company in massachusetts and i can view it in my account. i'm excited because zen tried telling me it'd probably take a few years for my name to come up and i doubted that because of how fast my name moved up on their waiting list. so i'm probably and HOPEFULLY right! to any doubters and critics- i just shared a ranking of the most affordable and happiest ranked states and minnesota was #2.. who was #1? MASSACHUSETTS. i think they got ranked HIGHER for medical care also, einstein. take your lazy excuses NOT to support me and stick them up your ass. you might wonder why i'm getting so defensive over this.. for your entitled ass- this is MY life i'm dealing with- NOT yours. not my bum mom's. MINE. i'm ALL i got. all the times i called you in the emergency room to no answer should prove that. JOE was the ONLY relative who actually checked on me during my last surgery. he even took the time to facetime me and he was gonna visit me in the hospital but i got out before he could visit. the reason of why i had that fuckin surgery couldn't even take the time to visit me- too much work for her entitled ass to show care. so that should explain enough to anyone wondering why i don't wanna stay in this state for the non-existant family support and care. she didn't even acknowledge my damn surgery. i'm almost positive that joe would come visit me in massachusetts if and when i move there anyway. kinda funny that NO ONE has brought up "what about your family?" when i've been searching for housing in massachusetts. they obviously see that most of my family does NOT care.

:o OMG! NEWSFLASH!

i just got done bitching to myself about how other people are more than likely trying to play stupid about part of the bigger reason why i'm moving- i bitch about it enough on facebook and the fact that almost all of my family members still refuse to recognize what i'm going through and what i've been through just validates exactly why i don't see any damn reason to remain in this unopportunistic state where all REAL dreams die (well mine anyway). *IF* you REALLY cared about me as much as you try to make it seem like you do- YOU'D BE ENCOURAGING ME TO SUCCEED AT MY GOALS because this is MY life. NOT MY CARELESS, SELFISH MOM'S. NOT AMANDA'S NAIVE UNCARING SELF. NOT ANY OF THOSE OTHER RELATIVES WHO PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT ME- SO THEY WANNA KEEP ME AS SMALL AND GOALLESS AS POSSIBLE SO I DON'T DO THINGS THEY'RE MORE THAN CAPABLE OF DOING ALSO BUT PEOPLE MIGHT QUESTION WHY THEY DIDN'T END UP AS SUCCESSFUL AND/OR AS HAPPY AS I DID WHEN I FINALLY COMPLETE MY GOALS- MAKING THEM LOOK INADEQUATE WITH THEIR HUGE ASS EGOS. c'mon.. you all think you're so damn smart.. let ME dictate MY OWN FUTURE NOT AT YOUR CONVENIENCE. YOU THINK YOU'RE SO DAMN SMART. HOW THE HELL DID I GET THIS FAR AND WHY AM I NOT STILL IN MY DAMN WHEELCHAIR GOING TO THE COURAGE CENTER LIKE A DISABLED PAWN ANYMORE?! BECAUSE I REALIZE THAT YOU PEOPLE DO NOT HAVE MY BEST INTERESTS IN MIND AND ARE TRYING TO KEEP ME LITTLE, DEPENDANT, AND HANDICAPPED SO THAT YOU'LL ACTUALLY FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELVES HAVING SOMEONE DEPEND ON YOU (WHEN YOU JUST HELP AT YOUR OWN CONVENIENCE). THAT'S WHY. THE FACT THAT NO ONE WANTS TO ADMIT THIS PISSES ME OFF AND MAKES ME NEVER WANT TO DEAL WITH ANY OF YOU AGAIN.

still lookin..

i woke up and got ready for the interview that i had scheduled today. my job coach came and picked me up. man.. she was correct that minnetonka IS a drive from here.. i'm pretty sure it took nearly 45 minutes to get there. we get there and i tell the people my name and that i have an interview. they went and got the lady who was supposed to be interviewing me and she tells me that she doesn't have time to interview me and the interview was supposed to be yesterday. i have BOTH on my calendar at my house AND on indeed that the interview was supposed to be TODAY. while i was sitting and waiting for the lady who was interviewing me, i observed how the front desk ladies were acting to the residents- i'm sure i could do that if i had to but i'm not sure i'd be as comfortable always acting cheery to older people. i'm sure there'd be days where i couldn't do it at all. i'm not sure why it seems to be different with the people that come to sabathani.. maybe it's the environment and how caring and helpful the people at sabathani are? the people at this nursing home might have been caring and helpful but it just seemed but it seemed so fake to me.. maybe because i was an outsider and i wasn't familiar with the place? it might have been because i just seen older people and i'm not sure i'd be so understanding of them. i was coming back from the interview and while i was sitting in tabitha's car while we were driving, i seen another data entry job which might be more fitting to my abilities. i was trying to avoid data entry jobs because it just seemed like hermits only have data entry jobs but this particular job is on-site.. so i wouldn't necessarily be away from communication and interacting with other people because i wouldn't be working at home. so i might be back at my original job search target now.. because a long time ago, my grandma had me convinced that i should work data entry. i can do pretty near every job that i've been searching, the breakfast attendant job i just had the wrong impression of the job and it required more physical work than i would've probably been able to do without getting hurt. the original guy who was training me also said he didn't think i could do it- i just took it as someone underestimating me like always and how he talked about me while i wasn't around didn't give me the best impression of the place. i've gotta catch my ride to sabathani in about a half an hour.