how do you *THINK* i got *HERE*?!

alright.. i was watching the vikings/packers game and reality hit me (this realization probably came to me before)- IF i had known that studying, being in sports when i was in school, and just attending college wouldn't have got me living where I TRULY want to live (NOT JUST WHAT'S MORE CONVENIENT TO SOME UNACCOMPLISHED BUMS WHO HAVE NEVER CARED OR PAID ATTENTION TO ME IF IT WASN'T BENEFICIAL OR CONVENIENT TO THEM). i would've done drugs and smoke cigarettes and other drugs, along with drinking a lot. I'M NOT SURE WHAT THE FUCK AMANDA AND/OR MY OTHER CARE TEAM MEMBERS THINK I DID TO GET AS FAR AS I AM NOW. she completely IGNORES the fact that i went to courage kenny for at least 5 years in the past ALONG with arp therapy from tram (who was never just concerned about LIABILITY so he ACTUALLY helped me UNLIKE THAT SAD EXCUSE OF A REHAB FACILITY- COURAGE KENNY). does she just think i woke up one day and was magically ambulatory and able to manage living by MYSELF just so i could appease my mom who hasn't accomplished a THING in her life- other than have children? so i'm automatically permanently disabled just because my mom acts like she can't read or work? THANKS A LOT MOM! people are probably saying, "she shouldn't blame her mom for her stupid decisions which lead her where she is now." no.. but CERTAIN PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPOSEDLY SUPPOSED TO BE SUPPORTING ME ACT NEGLIGENT TO ME AND THAT'S MORE THAN LIKELY ONE OF THE REASONS WHY I'M NOT WHERE I CAN BE TRULY HAPPY AND CONSTRUCTIVE IN LIFE- "OH! HER MOM JUST DEPENDS ON SOCIAL SECURITY AND IT WORKED FOR HER! SO IT'LL WORK FINE FOR STACY! I DON'T SEE WHAT SHE'S COMPLAINING ABOUT- SHE'S BEING PAID NOT TO WORK! WHAT AN IDIOT!" my mom had my GRANDPARENTS as her payees and guardians. they ALWAYS gave her money WHENEVER she asked. i didn't really understand why when i was younger. not until i had to have payees and guardians myself- although i was honored enough to have negligent payees/guardians who just "support" me whenever it's convenient and beneficial to THEM. it doesn't matter if this is MY life. i come from a mom who depends on social security! NONE of my goals matter anymore! just laugh and talk about stacy because she's so crazy and stupid for NOT wanting to live here with people who support her when and if it's convenient for THEM and/or beneficial to THEM with my cousin dustin, right amanda?! STACY IS SO STUPID THAT SHE THINKS SHE CAN ACTUALLY LIVE IN ANOTHER STATE! RIGHT AMANDA?! i think i get on the verge of crying/get teary at least ONCE every day thinking about how i'm more than likely wasting my time and NO ONE cares enough about me to HELP me the way I NEED to be helped in order to accomplish MY goals- NOT JUST WHAT MAKES AMANDA LOOK "CARING" AND/OR "SUPPORTIVE" BECAUSE I'VE NEVER FELT ANY OF THOSE EMOTIONS COMING FROM HER EVER AND I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE LAST TIME MY MOM ACTUALLY SHOWED ANY AMOUNT OF CARE FOR WHAT I WANT FOR MY LIFE. I'M TOO STUPID TO HAVE THOUGHTS FOR MYSELF! JUST WHATEVER'S CONVENIENT FOR AMANDA AND/OR MY MOM SO I MAKE THEM APPEAR "LOVING" AND "CARING" TO EVERYONE ELSE WHEN I BY NO MEANS FEEL ANY OF THOSE THINGS FROM THEM. DOESN'T MATTER THOUGH! I'M NOT ALLOWED TO THINK AND HAVE GOALS OF MY OWN! I'M TOO STUPID, RIGHT AMANDA?! here's something else for you to laugh about with dustin, your mom, your husband, and all those people at the salon you work at that you tell about me. seriously. i don't know how much more of this shit i'll be able to take. the only thing that motivates me against killing myself is the fact that i KNOW my mom would be crying like she actually fuckin cared about me after i killed myself- so she'd be a victim and receive attention and sympathy from everyone. this is what your "YOU GOT THIS!" methods got me. my grandma really should've got a person with EMPATHY to help me instead of amanda. at least empathetic people have intelligence not to assume shit for their own damn convenience.
then we have those helpful ass ics workers who just act like they can't help me because i got kicked out of the previous apartment in burnsville- completely IGNORING MY SIDE OF THE STORY+erasing ANY effort to effectively do their jobs PROPERLY because i'm too stupid to have my own thoughts (right amanda?)! how'd i get accepted to the apartment that i lived in before this one, einsteins? stop trying to convince me no one will accept me to live at their apartments because of some mistake made caused by the smoking of OTHER PEOPLE in a NON-SMOKING APARTMENT. i'm positive that is NOT how my case manager wanted them to assist me with housing.. but as long as they continue ACTING like they're actually helping.. IT WON'T MATTER WHAT I WANT! I'M STUPID AND I'LL CHANGE MY MIND EVEN THOUGH I'VE HAD THIS FUCKING GOAL OF LIVING THERE SINCE I WAS AT LEAST FIFTEEN! BUT STACY IS STUPID! LOOK WHO HER MOM IS! RIGHT AMANDA?! GOTTA LAUGH ABOUT THIS WITH DUSTIN!

tired.

shit.. i'm so damn tired. my stupid cpap machine has been blowing the air all choppy (it even makes noises) and the tube is straight on it. i thought i told fredrick about it today and yesterday and he said he couldn't figure out what was wrong with it. i just lay in bed, wide awake for hours on end and i'm not able to fall asleep. i tried turning the tv on with the volume low, so the noise would put me to sleep. it wasn't working and i tried getting up to go to the bathroom at least 5 times and i still wasn't able to fall asleep. to top it off- i haven't had any concerta in at least a week and i asked the lady at the pharmacist desk when the concerta was supposed to be coming for me and she acted like she was looking on her computer and said to me in a confused voice, "there's nothing here by that name. maybe we don't carry it?" i've got my concerta from cub pharmacy ever since i can remember- everytime i moved, it'd just switch locations and the nurse never told me that the concerta wasn't going to be there. i don't remember if the nurse said anything about needing to get a new prescription for it from my doctor- but that's the only problem i can think of which would cause this. i need to see if i can find my nurse's number or just try to deal with walking around like the walking dead until my nurse comes to my apartment to fill my anodyne machine next- i think maybe wednesday? maybe sooner.. hopefully. it's so great getting apnea from your grandma and having no one else who is living care about whether you're healthy- which is why i'm basically being forced to remain in this state because amanda thinks that i won't have people who care about me when or if i move to another state to support me- WTF IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THERE AND NOW?! AT LEAST I'D BE LIVING IN A PLACE WITH RESOURCES AND NOT THE DAMN STICKS WHERE YOU GOTTA PULL TEETH IF AND WHEN YOU WANT SUPPORT. i know most people are like, "well that's part of growing up" well- part of growing up is also having resources and access to resources for your well-being when you already have a damn traumatic brain injury. i realized that most, if not ALL my blog posts are complaining about my family. maybe if i actually had supportive and caring sources of "support" i wouldn't be complaining all the time. YOU THINK? if i was in an environment where i didn't get stalked by jealous, negative, negligent people.. i'd actually be too happy to have anything to complain about..?! a person who enjoys making themselves appear victimized could never understand that, along with supposed "caring" relatives who just condone this because they don't know what else to do and assume everyone is content with this- so why change it?! I'M NOT CONTENT WITH ANY OF THIS SHIT AND I'LL NEVER BE. you're a complete moron if you can't tell how tired i am just from the tone of this blog post. i told the overnight ics worker that my cpap wasn't working the other night and he just said, "i'm with another person right now. can't you have the daytime ics look at it?" and i said, "that won't help me now. forget it." then i hung up. people refuse to even look at my cpap. fredrick looked at it and said he couldn't figure out what was wrong with it. at least he looked at it- EVERYONE ELSE COMES UP WITH EXCUSES.

it just never ends for me.

i wonder WHY my mom seems to take an interest in my life to the point she stalks me. she NEVER cared about me or my safety all those nights she used to leave me at her place while she went to the bar and i was wheelchair dependant. what? is she afraid someone else will make me require surgeries? is SHE the ONLY one allowed to neglect me so i get injured instead of HER? does she think SHE is the ONLY one allowed to put me in danger so i eventually get injured and have to have surgeries later in life? mind your business. or it could be my overweight sister who is anxious to relate to me and have things in common with me (other than dna- if i could, i'd switch that in a second)? i refuse to let either of you bums drag me down to your level and cling to me. zen assisted me in replying to this email that the lady from the apartment in boston sent me this morning. i filled out my application improperly and we had to ask for a new application. zen said to me (he's said this before to me), "when a landlord has rules. you can't just not follow them." MAKING ME to be the villain in this situation when I WAS NOT THE ONE SMOKING CIGARETTES IN A NON-SMOKING APARTMENT. i sent in MULTIPLE complaints to management about the fuckin smoking. THEY DIDN'T DO SHIT ABOUT IT EXCEPT SEND OUT NEWSLETTERS TO ALL THE TENANTS OF THE APARTMENT JUST REMINDING THEM THAT THEY WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO SMOKE IN THE APARTMENT. i thought an ics worker was supposed to defend their clients when something bad happened? not just assume they were in the wrong without hearing their side of the story and the FACTS before taking sides in conflicts. how the fuck would he like to be in an environment that he can't breathe in because of the cigarette smoke when he's gone through at LEAST TWO surgeries on his palate to assist with preventing smoke and dust from getting to his lungs so he's able to breathe better but being forced to put up with living in an environment where he CAN'T breathe? my cousin joe even came to my apartment when i lived in burnsville a few times and he told me how he had to wash his clothes because they WREAKED like SMOKE when he left my apartment. THAT is how bad it was. the stupid caretaker took care of the smoking problems JUST whenever it was CONVENIENT for HIM. my cousin joe had phone numbers to call to help me since they told me i couldn't live there when it was a NON-SMOKING apartment and I got in trouble for MY reactions to the cigarette smoke. i didn't really think it was much of a concern because i was told that it wouldn't be on my renting record because i was not the one breaking the non-smoking rules in a NON-SMOKING APARTMENT. it's almost like zen is trying to take advantage of this situation- so he doesn't have to assist me in moving to an apartment I ACTUALLY want to live in and not just because it's the only place that'll decide to house me. i'm screwed when and if this ics program leaves this apartment because no one else will rent to me because of the shit that happened in burnsville. DOESN'T CONCERN ANYONE THOUGH! they only "care" enough to gawk at what i do/say so they have something to talk about because they don't have anything better to do! i wish i could be as unaccomplished and NOSEY as them! *rolls eyes*

new year~ ATTEMPTING to be as positive as possible.

i applied for some other recommended job by indeed just now. i also just seen the ics worker who helped hang my new calendars around in my apartment and i called the housing company that they helped me fill out and send the application yesterday. i hope i didn't sound like a confused idiot because during the voice mail i left, i wondered if i was saying everything i needed and i hope i was specific enough. the ics worker was here when i left the message and she said she heard me leaving the message and i sounded like i was specific and thorough enough in the message. i guess all i have to do now is wait for them to respond. i always feel like there's something i should be doing when i'm not doing anything during days like this. i hope i'm not forgetting anything. that's the reason why when i'm unemployed- i feel like i'm going crazy half the time. i need something to keep me constructive and busy, so i don't have time to think about how much shit sucks for me. if i don't have a job- there's just extra time for me to be depressed. people who ACTUALLY CARE about me would recognize and do anything and everything within their power to help me. (NOT go mindlessly to some place where they just underestimate my ability, so they can make more money off me because no one pays attention to me anyway, so they can just take advantage of that and not actually help me. THE RIDICULOUS EXCUSES OF "SUPPORT" IN MY LIFE (my mom and amanda) are just condoning this shit because it's NOT THEIR LIVES OR PROBLEMS). whatever. enough negativity. you see what you guys encourage? OR ARE YOU TOO NAIVE TO UNDERSTAND? you're too fucking full of yourselves to even have the desire to understand WHAT i am saying. not my problem! I am NOT the naive one.

i will get out of this damn state. with OR without your useless help.

so i had the ics worker assist me in filling in one of the required packets that i believe this housing agency asked for because i had spoke to a lady that worked there last week and she said she had received my information- i just needed to fill out a packet that they sent me and send it to them. so i sent the packet that the ics assisted me in filling out today to them. i got news for my mom who is obviously too damn naive to understand this.. amanda is putting herself on the same level the more she acts naive in why i want to possibly make MY OWN LIFE which wouldn't include depending on my family for EVERYTHING (like my mom was basically raised and still continues to depend on OTHERS for EVERYTHING)- I am NOT my mom. we have two COMPLETELY DIFFERENT situations. i did NOT begin with a damn traumatic brain injury. it was caused by a car accident which NEARLY killed me. i'm annoyed that i need to refresh the memory of amanda and anyone else possibly reading this.. but then it comes to me- i wouldn't have to remind people of the shit i've been through IF they REALLY cared about me as much as they try to make it seem by being unsupportive of me living MY GOALS- not just what's more convenient to make them appear like they actually care about me. IF you really cared about me- i wouldn't have had to go through half the shit i've had to in my life. i wouldn't have had to have at least two of the surgeries i've had in my life SO FAR. i'm gonna tell you pretentious dicks what i'm gonna do for you- i won't bother calling you OR even answering the phone if you call me (not even when i'm bored and i just wanna be amused by your stupidity). YOU'RE WELCOME. amanda and my mom don't seem to understand or care that THIS IS A DIFFERENT TIME THAN WHEN MY MOM WAS BEING SUPPORTED BY MY GRANDPARENTS. I DON'T have the benefit of being supported by my parents who could house me in their apartment without requiring me to pay for rent ever. unlike my mom. i HAVE to work a damn job in order to survive. I CAN'T JUST DEPEND ON LIVING OFF SOCIAL SECURITY AND GOING TO THE COURAGE CENTER LIKE A MINDLESS DISABLED PAWN. DON'T THINK I DIDN'T TRY TO TELL DIFFERENT PEOPLE WHO INTERVIEWED ME FOR A FEW OF MY JOBS THAT I WENT TO COURAGE KENNY WHILE I WASN'T WORKING. i don't really think it made a difference to them. so by just supporting me to do that shit (LIKE BOTH OF YOU DO), you're basically encouraging me to the grave. are you two going to pay for my funeral too since you're so encouraging of me to throw away all my goals and all my accomplishments so i'm left to depend on no one and the only place left for me will be 6 feet under. THEN IF MY MOM IS STILL ALIVE- SHE CAN RECIEVE ALL THE SYMPATHY SHE CAN POSSIBLY HOPE TO GET! *CLAPS* I UNDERSTAND YOUR MOTIVES NOW. you tire me and don't count on contacting me in the new year and on. go find your miserable company elsewhere. i don't have time for your shit. i'm putting the last number you called me with on block along with asking jay what your number is (since he was gonna give it to me the last time he spoke to me on text message but i don't think he did because i didn't really show interest in it).

someone help me get AS FAR AWAY from that narcissistic bum.

so i cried like a maniac and sucked it up, got my application for the housing authority sent in to the appropriate people (i think). now, all i need to do is send my tax returns and verify my income with the lady i sent them to. i thought i found tax returns that i used for another application for another apartment but i need to find where i was looking when i found those. i thought it was my cell phone but i can't find them there. so i looked on my pc instead and i can't find them anywhere. so now i'm gonna look on my cell phone again. i won't be satisfied until i'm as FAR away from that immature, selfish, narcissist of a mom who i can't remember the last time i was satisfied enough to call her my mom. she's had nothing but bad intentions for me, except for when my grandparents were in my life to make sure i wasn't getting mistreated. honest to God. she can't even take care of her OWN kids responsibly- she should've just aborted me. i'm pretty sure that's why people don't feel the necessity to help me move. "OH! SHE'S NUTS AND SHE CAN JUST TAKE CARE OF HER MOM INSTEAD OF HER MOM ALWAYS WHINING TO ME!" i might be nuts but i'm also not an idiot. i know when someone is good for me to keep in my life and my mom is just looking to cling to me and drag me down with her. not gonna happen. it's pretty sad when a person is disabled to the point where they can't read until they find out their daughter has a blog, so she can MAGICALLY read now! you know what that's called? LAZY. and she should maybe consider acting since she knows how to act illiterate to the point where people actually say she can be supported by social security. you're a disgrace. the normal person would probably be thinking i'm a bitch but i know the narcissist just magically can read now since she likes reading about people talking about her but she's too stupid to realize over half the time i talk about her- it's nothing to be proud of. I'M SICK OF THAT BUM GETTING AWAY WITH USING ME AS A SHIELD WHILE LIFE KICKS HER ASS- SINCE MY DAD ISN'T ALIVE ANYMORE TO BE IN THE PICTURE TO KICK HER WHILE SHE USES ME AS A SHIELD. i've had MANY traumatizing dreams reminiscing this shitty parenting (mostly around the time of my last bowel surgery). SHE CAN'T SAY THAT I'M LYING BECAUSE THAT'S JUST ANOTHER REASON FOR ME TO CUT HER OFF AND CHOSE TO NEVER SPEAK TO HER AGAIN. she must be telling people that i'm just lying about her putting me in front of her to shield my dad's kicks at her because my brother said, "i believe you." after i told him about her putting me in front of her while my dad was kicking her, i never asked him if he thought i was lying or anything.. so this must've came up in a conversation involving my mom because he never would've said, "i believe you" for the hell of it.

PEOPLE HELPING AT THEIR OWN CONVENIENCE

ugh.. i just called concord housing to check with them that they received my application that zen sent yesterday. the lady said that she only received ONE of the pages that she needed from the packet they sent me but if i could get the rest filled out along with my income information, she'd except another day because i called her. i called the ics number and the lady said that she wasn't going to help me because i was angry and swearing at her. so people seem to think they don't have to assist their clients, who are vulnerable adults, in a complete thorough manner because it's not their own business. if you wanna have something done- you gotta do it yourfuckingself even though people get paid to help with this. i was so happy when zen was filling out this packet for me yesterday, i even thanked him multiple times.. he was doing a half-assed job and doing what was more convenient for HIM like everyone else in this fucking world. it's like a disabled person can't do anything they want if it's not convenient for everyone else. IT'S NOT their fucking lives. it's MINE. they don't have to deal with a lazy ass entitled mom set on making their lives hell just because her own life sucks because she doesn't feel like doing ANYTHING.

won't know if i don't try.

before i spoke with my psychologist today, i had ics and he assisted in applying to a housing authority in boston. he helped me scan the application and i already toured the apartment during my last trip to boston. so HOPEFULLY my application won't take too long to come up on the waiting list.
when my psychologist and i met virtually (because of the weather) today, i told her my frustrations of how my mom has NEVER shown ANY interest in me working a job. i mentioned how she tells me about my brother working happily and excitedly all the time and she seems happy talking about my sister working when she does. my psychologist seemed a little surprised because i told her my mom isn't encouraging of me when i tell her about my jobs. i'm not letting that shit stop me. she doesn't seem to show interest in ANYTHING i do unless it's going to courage kenny. i'm guessing it's because she expects as much out of me as SHE personally is capable of. i don't have time for unencouraging bums because they have the goal of dragging ME down to their level just because they can't handle seeing someone with related situations ACTUALLY doing something other than depending on social security because other people might think she's insignificant and not worth dealing with because not even she cares about herself to do more for herself.
i have a job interview tomorrow, the job is a different job field than i'm accustomed to but it came up on indeed and i have all the qualifications- along with feeling capable enough to do everything the job requires. my job coach didn't have any objections to it when i told her about it last week either. i'll just see if they're impressed enough with me to think i can do the job. it's worth a shot. if they weren't interested in possibly hiring me- THEY WOULD'VE NEVER BOTHERED TO MOVE ONTO THE NEXT STAGE IN HIRING (PHONE INTERVIEW)! so i DO have a shot (for anyone laughing at my optimism.. i don't see YOU actually working any damn careers).

i'm not sure how certain types of people think..

i KNOW i've questioned this MANY times before- why is my mom acting so damn concerned with me? she's got TWO other kids- one who hasn't even graduated high school (she's 34 years old i think) PLUS she has grandchildren for my mom to act concerned about. you're NOT gonna get ANYTHING from me acting like you're concerned about me because i know this is all for attention like everything else you do and you can definitely NOT count on getting anything monetarily from me outta this fake concern for me. i made my will and you can definitely count yourself out of it. i think the only person who gets anything from me is my brother and it's STAYING that way. he's the only one who actually works for his money and the shit he's had to go through on account of YOU i can only relate to, so i'm gonna try my best to make up for all the shit you've put him through. selfish narcissistic ass. you never used to act like you cared about me wanting to move to new york.. you said, AND I QUOTE: "this is your life! do what makes you happy!" you may be one of those dolts who tell people whatever they want to make them happy without really meaning it though. your youngest daughter PROBABLY has an effect on how you're all of a sudden concerned and clingy with me though. she also hasn't accomplished anything in her life, so she thinks she can step on people who HAVE actually done things, so she looks good. ANYONE with INTELLIGENCE will realize this, tubs. an attempt to make ME look bad will just drag you down. plus- like i've told mom MANY times- if something is MEANT to happen- you can't stop it. then i remember "MISERY LOVES COMPANY." and it explains EVERYTHING- my mom and sister are BOTH selfish, so they could care less about all the shit i've been through if it somehow makes them look good in some way. misery loves company- so be each other's company and LEAVE ME ALONE. then i read something on facebook talking about some moms who view their children as competition. i remember when i lived in burnsville when my mom was forced to take me to my grandma's house every other weekend by my grandma and she whined about how i had a "better apartment" than her. so that also may pertain to my mom attempting to stop me from moving to a BETTER place.