HOORAY! FORCED TO WEAR A MACHINE THAT FORCES ME TO BREATHE SO I CAN *ACTUALLY* SLEEP!

sleep apnea will become the death of me if i continue to let this shit go on. ah well- not like i have much guaranteed to live for anymore. douglas told me that i kept stopping breathing last night and i remember when i'd sleep at my grandma's house when she was still alive, my grandma would get scared all the time when i would sleep and she'd wake me up to check if i was still breathing because she claimed there were times when i was sleeping that i would stop breathing. so it'd probably be useful to get those cpap tubes in the mail soon, so i don't have to sleep without a damn machine basically forcing me to breath while i sleep. i'm not overweight and i've never smoked a cigarette in my whole life. so i'm pretty sure this is a side effect to one of the many surgeries i've had to have on my palet (because it was injured in the car accident i was in). so it's not like I did anything to get this damn sleep apnea and it's inconveniencing as fuck. not to forget- mu grandma and mom BOTH have apnea- so my genetics fuck me again. i have to have a damn machine forcing me to breathe in order to sleep and i'm not even 40 years old yet (2 more months). half the time i don't even wear that shit and i haven't worn it for a while because the piece of shit turns off within like 2 minutes. they're hoping that the new tubing i'm supposed to get in the mail will solve that problem though.

so i get ANOTHER shot..

i went to the nail shop to get my nails done. on the way back in the lyft vehicle, i checked my indeed account and i seen that the clinic i interviewed with (i think on monday?) in minneapolis actually got back to me. i had assumed that she wouldn't even be interested in hiring me because of my tardiness and because of the lecture she gave me about how she showed up for all her interviews 2 hrs before every interview before she became supervisor and had to look for jobs before she got the supervisor job there. it obviously didn't make too much of a difference because she messaged me asking for times i'm available for a second interview. this time, i'm calculating the ride time and adding an HOUR on for traffic- if i get there too soon.. at least i wasn't late and it'll give me time to prepare for the interview. i had a feeling in the back of my mind that she might've been interested in hiring me but i wasn't completely sure and all i kept thinking about was how disappointed she sounded when lecturing me. now- i gotta wait for her response on the times i'm available for another interview. now i remember that she complimented my wardrobe also.. so maybe it DID erase the tardiness of my last interview?

i'm sleeping a LITTLE better.

before i got up, the sleep clinic (i can't think of the name of it right now) called me and asked me the problem with my cpap and i told them that both my nurse and pca tried to stick the tubes that were given to me for my cpap machine in the machine and the tubes wouldn't fit for either of them. the lady looked up my cpap model and told me she'd send some new tubes in the mail to me. i hope that's a solution but the people at the sleep store when i went a few days ago looked at my cpap model also and sent tubes home with me and they didn't fit. so i'm not really sure. although- i WAS able to fall asleep naturally last night without my normal difficulties.. hopefully that sleep pattern continues at least until the new tubes that actually fit come in the mail. i had ics today and they helped me schedule an appointment for my hair to be foiled since the stylist who dyed my hair a few weeks ago told me to schedule it today. i was thinking about why i didn't cut my hair and i think that when women cut their hair- it ACTUALLY makes them appear older. i don't really ever REMEMBER having really short hair my whole life- i think the shortest it's ever got has been to my shoulders when i was 13 or 14 maybe a little younger. so with all of that said- the most i'll probably do is trim it since my hair grows like weeds anyway thanks to my dad's genetics. he gave me and my brother his hair type and he gave me his temper. my brother doesn't have a temper at all. i was the one blessed with that trait. the ics worker who tried to make it look like she was being "helpful" by treating me like i was stupid and i couldn't even walk by myself found that i have a temper out before she took me to the sleep store earlier this week. fredrick said that i was acting crazy- i honestly don't remember acting crazy. i thought i had my temper taken care of after a few sessions with my psychologist but i guess not. maybe she just awakened the beast?

two can play that game.

i'm sure i've posted about my mom's neglect/selfishness leading to my dad kicking me when he MEANT to kick my mom. i had numerous dreams reminiscing this abuse mainly around when i last had surgery on my bowel when it was blocked. kinda like God was explaining to me why i was going through the shit i was. i came to the realization about how sad it was to just be diagnosed with ptsd by my recent psychologist after i told her about the dreams i had about my mom holding me in front of her when my dad kicked her. i'm pretty sure that was around the last time i ever seen him before my grandpa got pissed off at him and chased him to mexico (where he died later on.. during an accident while trading drugs in mexico by the cartel- my brother found that out a while ago during one of his welding jobs). i find it sad that i was just diagnosed with ptsd after telling my psychologist about my bad reminiscing dreams about the incident and NOT after going through all the shit i went through when i got my traumatic brain injury. it's obviously MORE traumatizing to me (probably because it dealt with my own PARENTS causing ME harm). kinda like a betrayal from people who were SUPPOSED to love and protect you. my mom was more concerned with playing victim (as usual), she narcissistically was more concerned with herself before the safety of her OWN daughter. an uncaring person is probably saying, "come on! she's your mom! she did her best as a single parent to raise you!".. no. SHE DIDN'T. she had assistance from my grandparents. my brother and i lived at my grandparents' house for at least 3 or 4 years before i was in my car accident. my grandpa shot hoops with my brother and i and he went to ALL my sports games. i told my brother about the dreams i had where my mom put me in front of our dad while he was kicking her and the first thing he said was, "yeah.. that sounds like something mom would do.." i have a feeling my mom was spiteful towards me and my brother because we share the same dad versus my sister because she has a different dad than us (don't get me wrong though- my sister's dad used to beat my mom also.. it was probably more traumatic to her having the dad of my brother and i beating her because it was the first time a guy beat her? i think but i'm in NO MEANS condoning her shitty ass parenting.. just trying to make sense of it). the longer i get kept from moving successfully and INDEPENDENTLY to a place in another state of MY CHOICE- the more shit is gonna come out. have you ever considered that the longer i get kept from living a life of MY CHOICE where I want (to keep me busy with MY own life)- THE MORE SHIT IS GONNA COME OUT. IF amanda was as smart as she tries to make herself out to be by neglectfully assisting me to make MY own life where I want so she can just use courage kenny as a distraction from helping me to live MY LIFE WHERE I WANT- where i'll be too busy and happy living MY OWN LIFE, i won't have time to open the can of worms that raised me as a child. i'm almost positive that's what motivated me to run off and meet tim after speaking to him online for probably at least 3 or 4 years before flying out to meet him. so HER NARCISSISTIC ASS CAN TRY TO CRY VICTIM FOR BEING THE CAUSE OF HER OWN DAUGHTER'S WRECKLESS CHOICES WHICH ALMOST KILLED HER. THERE'S SOMETHING YOU CAN TAKE CREDIT FOR! YOU MUST BE PROUD!.. seriously- this woman basically competes with me when she finds an opportunity to also. she whined to me when i was living in burnsville how i "had a better apartment" than her. grow up. she's never had my best interests in mind. one person might argue, "WELL SHE TOOK CARE OF YOU AFTER YOUR CAR ACCIDENT!" again.. because my grandma MADE her. i remember hearing her whine MANY times to my grandma on the phone when i used to go to her apartment when i used to go there just so i could see my grandma, get my nails done, and get groceries for my place. she doesn't care about me. she just enjoys getting attention from people, calling my grandma's friends and whining to my grandma's sister about how she "misses me so much" because she doesn't like the fact that someone who came from the same place as she did is doing things with their lives to make them happy that she never made the effort to do herself- she doesn't wanna see anyone happy if she's not happy (which she obviously isn't- misery loves company.. she's done absolutely NOTHING with her life and the only thing she's ever made that she can be proud of- she's ungrateful for (her children) and steals from them when she's not using her other kid as a shield while being kicked by their dad.. it's mean to say but even though he was more than likely heavily influenced by alcohol, i can understand his frustration with her and he more than likely wasn't even fluent in english.. so she had to have pissed him off badly for him to want to kick and hit a woman). she's always gotta play victim. so that probably got to him too. i can look forward to having to be hooked up to a colostomy bag now because my parents were/are selfish pricks! i've already had a perforated bowel, blocked bowel, i'm pretty sure being hooked up to a colostomy bag is the last step to my problems caused by shitty parents! with CARE like this- IT'S HARD TO SEE WHY I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE NOTHING LIKE MY MOM AND ALWAYS TRIED TO AVOID CONNECTING WITH HER! SEE AMANDA?! HARD TO SEE WHY I'VE WANTED TO LIVE IN A DIFFERENT STATE! *ROLLS EYES* maybe to a naive, selfish person expected to assist me in moving somewhere i could be TRULY happy and actually useful and constructive with my life. "naive".. a nice way of saying "ignorant" and "stupid". YOU'RE SERIOUSLY STUPID IF YOU DON'T REALIZE WHY I WANNA LIVE ANYWHERE MY MOM IS NOT. go distract some other mentally handicapped person you're expected to actually HELP for your own aunt- so you're just making her look more clueless than she was. i DID go to numerous psychologists before this one and they attempted to see if i had PTSD because of all the shit i went through with my car accident but just recently i was diagnosed with PTSD after my reminiscing dreams i had about my mom holding me in front of her while my dad kicked her (she tried to make it look nanchalant when trying to make my dad see that she wanted him to calm down because i was there but if a parent is sober and the other parent is drunk and angry, the most LOGICAL thing for the other parent to do would be to get her daughter out of the situation and environment as soon as possible- that is only of course if that parent is LOVING and CARING.. both of which i think my mom thinks is only an option whenever it's good and/or convenient for HER). she has ABSOLUTELY NO INFLUENCE ON WHERE I END UP IN LIFE. NEVER HAS. NEVER WILL. THAT RUINS AMANDA'S INTENTIONS! GONNA HAVE TO TRY SOMETHING ELSE. who am i kidding? she doesn't give a shit. "YOU GOT THIS!" - amanda's idea of "support". i told my psychologist about how she says this when i used to call her (back when i foolishly thought she was "helping" me) and my psychologist looked at me cluelessly and said, "HAS SHE EVER HELPED A PERSON WITH A TBI BEFORE?!" and i said, "i don't know.. sure doesn't seem like it." the longer i go without moving somewhere I ACTUALLY WANT- the more shit is gonna come out. YOUR CHOICE, GENIUS! YOU GOT THIS!

WHERE'S THE HELP TO *ACTUALLY* GET THINGS DONE?! *crickets*

well, fredrick looked at my cpap and he played dumb and said he didn't wanna mess anything up. he said to have someone come to my place and fix it- but i'm not sure it's as easy as that. people are busy and i'm not sure of the clinic to call. i ended up getting the number from my care coordinator. i tried calling and they put me on hold forever- so i eventually just decided to let my ics help me call and schedule an appointment. IF they will, of course. it seems like EVERYTHING i wanna get done for myself- people always find a reason to refuse to help me. like i was told by my care coordinator and/or case manager that ics would assist me with getting my driver's license again. after taking numerous behind-the-wheel lessons, they make me so stagnant that i wouldn't be surprised if i lost the ability to drive because i DID have my driver's permit at one time and i actually drove numerous times- either driving lessons or in my ex's car. i see these people that live here, getting their licenses again with the help of ics. the main reason for that i think is probably because they have ADVOCACY to make sure people are actually doing their jobs. make up whatever excuse you want for that- but i KNOW that's more than likely the reason. people just feel like they don't have to do their jobs properly if the client doesn't have advocacy. half the jobs i've been applying to require a DRIVER'S LICENSE- i'm sure so the job is certain the employee will have a way to work without excuses. STACY CAN DEPEND ON SOCIAL SECURITY HER WHOLE LIFE!! LIKE MOTHER LIKE DAUGHTER! i'm almost positive that's also another reason why people assume they don't have to do their jobs to help me adequately. IF i was interested in depending on social security my whole life- DON'T YOU THINK I WOULDN'T HAVE GONE TO NUMEROUS COLLEGES AND WORKED JOBS AND I WOULD'VE JUST REMAINED IN A DAMN WHEELCHAIR, ATTENDING COURAGE KENNY MINDLESSLY?! doesn't concern my family. too much work to be empathetic (except joe is empathetic). families are SUPPOSED to help and assist their family members. IT'S JUST NOT CONVENIENT FOR THEM TO DO THAT THOUGH. THEY DON'T HAVE TIME TO ACTUALLY CARE- SO WHY THE HELL WOULD THEY SUPPORT ME SO I'M TRULY SUCCESSFUL, CONSTRUCTIVE, AND SATISFIED WITH MY LIFE?! I'M DONE WITH COURAGE KENNY AND I HATE EVERYONE WHO FIGURES I'M NOT CAPABLE OF DOING ANYTHING ELSE WITH MY LIFE- CONSIDERING I'VE ALREADY BEEN TO THAT SHITHOLE AND THEY DIDN'T HELP ME PROGRESS AND BE MORE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING. YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON IF YOU THINK I WANNA WASTE MORE OF MY DAMN TIME AT THAT SORRY EXCUSE OF A "REHABILITATION" INSTITUTE. THE ONLY REASON WHY I'M AMBULATORY NOW IS BECAUSE OF TRAM HOLLOWAY HOOKING ME UP TO HIS ARP MACHINES WHEN MY GRANDMA WAS STILL ALIVE- SHE FOUND HIM SINCE SHE SEEN COURAGE KENNY WASN'T HELPING ME. IF ANYTHING- I'D SAY COURAGE KENNY CAUSED ME PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE BY NEGLECTING ME AT THEIR OWN INTERESTS. MORE LIKE MENTAL INSTITUTE BECAUSE YOU GOTTA BE FUCKIN NUTS TO HAVE THE DESIRE TO WASTE YOUR TIME AT SUCH A POINTLESS FACILITY. DO YOU PEOPLE THINK I BOUGHT A VIDEO CAMERA, RENTED A WALKER AND TREKKING POLES AND TOOK VIDEOS OF ME WALKING AROUND AT COURAGE KENNY FOR FUN IN MY FREE TIME?! this is a form of psychological abuse- GASLIGHTING. AMANDA AND MY MOM DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT THOUGH BECAUSE IT'S JUST NOT CONVENIENT FOR THEM AND THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT ME! THEY CARE MORE ABOUT THEM LOOKING LIKE THEY CARE ABOUT ME! DID IT LOOK LIKE YOU CARED ABOUT ME WHILE YOU WERE HOLDING ME IN FRONT OF YOU WHILE MY DAD WAS KICKING YOU, MOM?! i've had not only numerous surgeries as a result of that shitty parenting, i've also had numerous reminiscing dreams. I WAS TRAUMATIZED- WHAT BETTER REACTION AND "SUPPORT" THAN IGNORING ME AND THE LAST SURGERY I HAD?! RIGHT AMANDA AND MOM?! NO CONCERN AT ALL.. THE ONLY PERSON WHO CHECKED ON ME IN THE HOSPITAL WAS JOE. DON'T SAY THAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT ME BEING IN THE HOSPITAL EITHER- I CALLED BOTH OF YOU (YOUR MOM, DEBBIE AND YOU) AND LEFT YOU BOTH VOICEMAILS ABOUT BEING IN THE HOSPITAL. YOU CAN TRY TO CLAIM WHENEVER YOU WANNA HELP ME- I'M NOT WILLING TO PARTICIPATE IN THE HELP BUT I'M NOT REGRESSING MY PROGRESSION IN REHABILITATION AND GOING BACK TO COURAGE KENNY WHERE THEY DIDN'T TRY TO HELP ME ANYWAY BECAUSE MY LACK OF ADVOCACY AND THEY FELT LIKE THEY COULD TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT AND SINCE I'M A STUPID VULNERABLE ADULT WITHOUT ADVOCACY- JUST MAKES THINGS EASIER FOR THEM! you guys are enabling this psychological abuse of gaslighting me.. I HOPE YOU'RE PROUD. and NO.. my mom has NEVER actually taken accountability for any of these surgeries. she's never even brought it up to me- not even during my last surgery on my bowel. she's never had to take accountability in her whole life because she's too fuckin stupid to. she's always had this attitude of entitlement where she doesn't think she has to do anything. people can say i'm mean or wtf they wanna say- but it doesn't mean a damn thing until you've experienced this personally in your own life. after you experience HALF the shit i've been through on account of her- YOU'D BE MORE PISSED OFF THAN I AM. I GUARANTEE THAT. she expects me to be an unemployed loser on social security who drinks pepsi after pepsi and smoke cigarettes, while talking to her dogs- JUST like HER. you like that? truth hurts. you're stupider than i thought if you keep reading my blog complaining about all the abuse you put me through. you should be ashamed.

sleep without a red nose?

alright.. i MAY be able to use my cpap now to fall asleep without it turning off all the time and without making my nose red like rudolph's. loreina took me after pissing me off by asking me if i needed "help" walking trying to make it seem like a normal concern because i have fredrick hired to help me. she's worked with me MANY times before- so it's not like she doesn't know i can walk because she's seen me walk independently a million times before in my apartment during our ics sessions. it aggrivated me for someone to act like they were concerned so it appeared like they were actually doing their job while insinuating i didn't know how to walk and without considering what I thought about their judgments while feeling like others will see them as "useful" for helping me do something i'm more than capable of doing MYSELF SAFELY.
we got to gilette and they were ready to give me a new mask and tubing for the machine, since i told them that it always shuts off after a minute or two. so i need fredrick to install it, since i'm sure he's familiar with it (because he has other clients who use cpaps also) and i'm pretty sure he usually installs it/puts it together for me anyway. i ordered a pillow specifically for people with apnea and i ASSUMED it'd help me and i didn't think i'd need my cpap but i had it on anyway a few nights ago and it shut off and started making a noise like i wasn't breathing- which woke me up.. so i'm not sure the pillow actually helps. i was so pissed off that night at my genetics being the reason why i couldn't fall asleep because they had to smoke their damn cigarettes. i've NEVER actually tried smoking a damn cigarette in my whole life. it never appealed to me. so i was pissed that i have breathing problems now because of their choice to smoke. which further proves my accusation of my family LACKING EMPATHY. if they had any empathy- they'd be worried about how the smoking affected ME so they wouldn't have ever done it. just one of the things they've lacked empathy for and I have to deal with the consequences. my grandma faced the consequences in her urn after lung cancer.

another hotel interview

i just had another interview at a hotel. the hotel was about 30 minutes away and last night i had wrote the time i needed to call my ride by on my calendar. i ACTUALLY got there with about 5 minutes to spare i think. so i didn't have the problem of being late for the interview again. the man interviewed me and i'm pretty sure i don't remember saying anything wrong or messing up but he did ask me how i got there for the interview and if i had reliable transportation because he asked me if i had a car, so i'm pretty sure that'd be another BIG reason why they won't hire me. maybe if i had the support to help advocate for me so that i CAN actually drive MYSELF- more jobs would consider me? I THINK SO. i've tried EVERYTHING within my ability to drive again BUT THIS STATE FEELS LIKE THEY CAN JUST TREAT ME HOWEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT BECAUSE I'M DISABLED- SO JUST MORE PUSH FOR THEM TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY NEED TO HAVE ASSISTANCE EVEN THOUGH IT'S BEEN OVER 23 FUCKING YEARS SINCE I DROVE INDEPENDENTLY. i took driving program after driving program, i took the driver's knowledge permit test and PASSED IT at least five times in my life. THANKS FOR NOTHING "CARING" FAMILY. YOU GUYS SUCK AND YOU'RE A BUNCH OF UNEMPATHETIC ASSES WHO JUST "CARE" WHEN IT'S FUCKING CONVENIENT FOR THEM. SORRY TO DISAPPOINT YOU DICKS- I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO COURAGE KENNY WHERE THEY JUST TOOK ADVANTAGE OF MY LACK OF SUPPORT AND NEVER REALLY HELPED ME GET BETTER OR HEALTHIER BECAUSE I WAS JUST A FUCKING LIABILITY TO THEM. IF YOUR STUPID ASSES WANT TO SEE SOMEONE GO TO COURAGE KENNY SO BAD- YOU GO THERE.. AFTER ALMOST DYING AND HAVING TO DEPEND ON A STUPID ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIR TO GET AROUND FOR AT LEAST 15 YEARS OF YOUR DAMN LIVES- OTHERWISE- STFU. I DON'T WANNA SEE ANY SORRY ASS ATTEMPTS AT "SUPPORT" BY "SUPPORTING" ME TO DO SHIT I ALREADY FUCKING MASTERED AT LEAST 15 YEARS AGO. I'M SORRY I DON'T WANNA DEPEND ON SOCIAL SECURITY AND MINDLESSLY SIT IN A FUCKING WHEELCHAIR MY WHOLE DAMN LIFE. IF YOU GUYS HAD A LITTLE EMPATHY- MAYBE YOU'D UNDERSTAND. HOWEVER- BEING EMPATHETIC REQUIRES INTELLIGENCE WHICH THEY OBVIOUSLY LACK. this state is just obsessed with making me as disabled as possible so they can get money outta me- which is why they told me that i couldn't drive anymore. it wasn't to HELP me. it was JUST so they could continue making money off my fucking disability. IF I GO BACK TO COURAGE KENNY- I PROMISE TO MAKE A SCENE SO BAD THAT THE POLICE WILL BE CALLED BECAUSE OF A MANIAC. YOUR CHOICE, DICKS! I'M IN HELL RIGHT NOW.. I MEAN MINNESOTA WITH A LACK OF SUPPORT AND A FUCKING TBI- SAME THING.

better late than never? evidently doesn't fly with everyone.

i went to the interview. my most typical problem came up- i estimated that it would take LESS time than it actually did- so i was about 8 minutes late. the lady who i interviewed with didn't disregard it like the last lady i interviewed with either. she said, "typically we stay ON TIME here and we don't like when our workers are late. clients might have appointments or someone might be absent and we're just looking for someone to fill in for them." i left about 15-20 minutes before the actual appointment and didn't estimate traffic time. she told me about the time when she hadn't had that particular job and was working other jobs and had to be there in like 30 minutes and she said she woke up like 2 hrs before the interview time to make sure she was prepared. i'm thinking that was more like a lecture than an interview but i'm just gonna take her experience and try to prepare myself. other than that- i had a good interview. the lady praised my wardrobe and said it was "very professional" and that's the way she preferred her workers to dress. she stressed how important it was for people that work there to be empathetic. i don't have a problem being empathetic at all- which is unlike certain family members of mine but they weren't interviewing and i highly doubt they're cut out for the job i was interviewing for anyway. just gonna have to stick to the salon. i forgot when or if she said she'd be getting back to me- usually when that happens, the person never ends up updating me on the job anyway. i have another job interview tomorrow- i know i said that my job coach told me about the job at costco and she said that i didn't seem so thrilled about that job but since this other job interview came along and i seemed to be more interested in that particular job- i should stick with the job I was interested in. so i'm going to the other interview which i'm pretty sure is a receptionist job at some clinic. i'm double checking after this when i estimate when i should call my ride. i might leave about 45 minutes before because i think it takes 20 minutes to get there but i'm gonna double check. it was kinda annoying because the lady who was interviewing me asked me how long i had been working while using my cane. i didn't wanna come off as rude and tell her to look at my resume but i did mention when the interview was over, i mentioned how i was in a car accident when i was 16 and i was in the passenger seat while my friend was drunk driving and i was in a coma for 6 months and in a wheelchair for a lot of my life and i slowly got stronger and finally i'm walking with a cane and nothing happened to the driver because he was drinking but his friend in the back seat died and the lady said, "..and you're here with a cane working on getting a job.." i'm not sure how to take that. i didn't tell her that to get sympathy, i told her so she'd understand my situation and consider all the hard work i've been through just to get where i am and why i was in the condition i was in. i suppose it's up to her if she's gonna hire me. just gonna have to keep applying places.

MY life. MY choice. *I* am the one who will be working this job.

i just checked my email and someone from a hotel is requesting an interview with me tomorrow at 10:30. i have that interview at cds at 11:15 tomorrow and i really don't even want that job but my job coach said it was easy, so they'd more than likely hire me. so she wanted me to work that job, so it'd make it look like she was actually doing her job in "helping" me get a job. i'd rather work the job that requested an interview at 10:30 tommorow.. so i'm pretty sure i'm gonna tell them i'll do an interview with them- even though it's not a guaranteed job unlike the "easy" job my job coach helped me schedule. whatever. my job coach didn't answer her phone when i called her about it just now, so i'll do what I think is best- since this is MY life and i'd rather be working a job which is actually constructive rather than a job "anyone could do". *rolls eyes*

PROPER RECOGNITION.

i spoke with my psychologist now about my frustration how people don't recognize where i came from and what i've been through to get where i am today. she said, "yeah.. that's right. didn't you come from a coma?" and i said, "YES. just 23 years ago or so- I WAS LYING IN A FUCKING COMA IN BUFFALO'S HOSPITAL." although, now that i think of it- i'm not sure how long it took for me to be air-ambulanced to regions hospital to lie there in a coma in a hospital bed in the hospital room. i was in a coma 23 years ago though.. around that amount of time. no one fuckin gives me credit for the shit i've ALREADY been through. DO THEY THINK I MAGICALLY GOT OUTTA BED AFTER BEING IN A COMA?! AMANDA INSINUATES THAT SHIT- TOTALLY IGNORING THE REHABILITATION I'VE ALREADY DONE TO HELP ME BECOME AMBULATORY WITHOUT REQUIRING THE HELP OF A WHEELCHAIR, WALKER, OR TREKKING POLES TO ASSIST ME IN GETTING AROUND. IT'S LIKE I'M BEING PREVENTED FROM PROGRESSING BECAUSE IT'S NOT CONVENIENT FOR SUPPOSED FORMS OF "SUPPORT" TO SUPPORT ME INTO PROGRESSING AND GETTING HEALTHIER BECAUSE THEY DON'T GET CREDIT FOR NEGLECTING ME. THIS IS MY LIFE I'M LIVING- NOT AMANDA'S. NOT MY SORRY EXCUSE OF A MOTHER'S. MINE. IF YOU WANTED ME TO SPEAK BETTER ABOUT YOU- YOU SHOULD'VE FUCKING SUPPORTED ME AND SHOWN ME CARE. SO YOUR OPINIONS OF WHERE I'M HEADED ARE REALLY OF NO INTEREST TO ME. GO ATTEMPT TO LOOK "CARING" TO YOUR FAVORITE CHILD, MOM. SHE NEEDS IT. OBVIOUSLY I'M NOT REFERRING TO MYSELF BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN DECLARED "CRAZY" YET. which leaves the golden child- amy. buzz off. my psychologist brought up how i took the hard way of going through therapy and i said, "YEAH. PEOPLE DON'T GIVE ME CREDIT FOR IT EITHER BECAUSE THEY DON'T LOOK GOOD THE WAY I WENT THROUGH IT ALL. I COULD HAVE JUST LAID IN BED IN A COMA.. I COULDA JUST SAT MY ASS IN A DAMN WHEELCHAIR AND REMAINED THERE BUT I DIDN'T. I ALWAYS FOUND WAYS AROUND SHIT. LIKE WHEN COURAGE KENNY ATTEMPTED TO KEEP ME DORMANT- MY GRANDMA WENT OUT AND FOUND TRAM HOLLOWAY TO HELP ME BECOME AMBULATORY WITH HIS ARP THERAPY. THEN WHEN I WENT TO COURAGE KENNY WITHOUT A WALKER OR TREKKING POLES- KEVIN, THE THERAPIST AT COURAGE KENNY TOLD ME NOT TO RETURN IF I DIDN'T HAVE MY WALKER OR TREKKING POLES TO ASSIST ME IN WALKING." my psychologist said, "oh.. HE's the one that REALLY helped you?" i said, "yeah. courage kenny was more concerned about getting credit for keeping me as disabled and vulnerable as possible. the ONLY help they provided me with was giving me somewhere to practice walking and they tried to put me on exercise machines that my living room wall could do- so they could get credit for helping me. HELPING ME STAY AS HANDICAPPED AS POSSIBLE. and since i didn't have support to jerk them off- i just turned into a liability." i just recognized something- if i really took into consideration about my awareness of shit and people still deliberately refusing to help me progress in the way I want- i could become a very depressed person and even maniacal. wonder if that's amanda and my mom's intention? hm.. you pricks think you're smart. exactly why i don't have any desire to remain in this environment- if you weren't so fucking selfish, you'd realize that.
i have an interview tomorrow and i'm REALLY hoping to get this job. i need to go to my interview before i go to sabathani because both are in minneapolis and i'd only have like 20 minutes (if that) in between to return home.

removal?

i had ics today and i gave the ics worker the eviction letter i received yesterday. he looked it over and said, "well.. it shows that your payee pays the rent.. i think a few days after they're supposed to but they still pay it." and i said, "yeah.. i'm not sure if the mix-up is because i always get the AI bot nagging me about paying my rent and my payee said that it's automatically paid on the 5th i think.." the ics worker tried to reassure me by telling me that the supervisor of our ics program has a good relationship with management and they should understand. so all i can do now is wait for the weekday, when i gotta call my payee and check on this again. i think i called her yesterday when i first got it and i'm not sure it was a very nice message.. but i may have surprised myself and filtered myself as much as possible. i don't really remember. i'm pretty sure i called the company that my payee worked for and i don't know if the voicemail was very nice either. that's what people get for not doing their jobs properly and ON TIME, to avoid any confusion though because i'm pretty sure this exact thing has happened to me before at least once and management is always texting me about how i have an unpaid balance and i know i've asked my payee about it a few times and she just disregards it and said they always do this and she always pays on a certain day of the month (which i can't remember exactly which day she said now.. i think it might be on the 5th?). although looking at this record of when my rent has been paid every month, she pays it on the 20th or another date after the 5th sometimes. SO IT CAN'T BE AUTO-PAY LIKE I WAS TOLD IT WOULD BE A LONG TIME AGO. people lie to the disabled girl here anyway- just tell the mentally handicapped girl whatever sounds better at the time! *rolls eyes* learn how to do your damn jobs- they SHOULD be more pro-active ESPECIALLY because i have a disability. can't ask for too much in this state!.. #1 FOR DISABILITIES MY ASS. don't say shit unless you know PERSONALLY wtf you're talking about. you've proven your lack of intelligence and empathy (since being intelligent DOES require EMPATHY *gasp*) A LONG time ago. that might be why she doesn't answer the phone for me though.. she might have realized she doesn't know what the hell she's talking about and doesn't wanna waste her time or cause any other conflicts and she probably doesn't have time to speak to her mentally handicapped cousin. i'm cracking up just typing this right now but i know that's exactly what she thinks of me since she pretty much treats me that way (insinuating that i don't recognize what's best for myself- i've been through MORE shit than you can dream of and you're older than me.. i suggest you make your assumptions and keep them to YOURSELF because nobody likes a negative nancy or a smart ass who assumes you don't know as much as she does- so you're automatically an idiot that doesn't know what's good for herself because it's NOT convenient for negligent, naive "advocates" like herself).