avoiding accountability leads to no communication on my end. i'm not sure wtf you expect.

to further explain my frustration with how things are going for me- in case you conveniently forgot when i said i would MUCH rather be volunteering at sabathani.. they actually allow me to show my ability and capability by working the phones and the desk. i ACTUALLY feel CONSTRUCTIVE like i'm doing something that matters as opposed to hauling myself to courage kenny (where they DISCOURAGE me from walking because then i won't need their useless assistance doing NOTHING but putting me on some machine that i push and pull my feet on some pedals while moving my arms forward and backward SOMEHOW helping me accomplish my goals i made them aware of (walking again and getting my drivers license again). I'M THE PERFECT CLIENT THEY CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF AND KEEP ME GOING MINDLESSLY TO THEIR SAD EXCUSE OF A REHABILITATION "FACILITY" THOUGH! I LACK ADVOCACY AND EVERYONE THINKS I'M CRAZY!.. because that seems to be easier than ACTUALLY assisting me with my goals that i've had for over twenty years. my shitty excuse of advocacy are selfish and naive- my grandma CLAIMED every damn night for the last two or three years of her life that my cousin amanda would "get you {me} to new york and she's told me ALL these plans to help you get your driver's license along with a vehicle again!" MY GRANDMA HAS BEEN DEAD SINCE AUGUST OF 2015. I HIGHLY DOUBT HER LAME EXCUSE OF A "SAVIOR" IS GONNA HELP ME DO SHIT. i just hope that amanda experiences this level of the lack of support i'm receiving from her whenever she needs help with advocacy (she might be so entitled to scoff at the idea of her requiring assistance in her life but as my grandma used to say, what goes around, comes around). would SHE HONESTLY rather sit in a fuckin wheelchair and go MINDLESSLY to some rehabilitation facility which ONLY allows her to go on ONE exercise machine which my living room wall could operate (pushing her feet back and forth while pushing and pulling bars at the same time) when she is capable of doing MORE while having supposed "friends" and caring family members encourage her, also MOCK HER BEHIND HER BACK for going to these rehab. institutes, and to go to some stupid ass rehabilitation institute that EVEN my GRANDMA PROMISED me i wouldn't have to return to after she died because "AMANDA WILL HAVE YOU {ME} IN NEW YORK WHEN I DIE!" nearly ten fuckin years later and i'm still a damn minnesotan. she didn't know any alternatives to keep me constructive (like i said- my grandma was naive when it came to "helping" me in the way i needed to be helped in order to get MY goals completed.. after all- she DID assume amanda would take her place and actually assist me to get to where I want to live- that says enough right there). "YOU GOT THIS!" is ALL the help or encouragement i get from her when i call her.. it's like pushing a person in a raft without a paddle, oar, or anything else to propel the boat in a river, then screaming at them, "YOU GOT THIS!" and expecting them to actually make their way to their desired destination. i'll try ANYTHING just to stay constructive (except for regressing my rehabilitation just to continue giving some lame rehab. institute money to help me when they don't help me in the way I want). when a CARING and RESPONSIBLE person has kids- they don't just assume they should make mini-me's. i get the feeling that my mom is just trying to take advantage of how i was injured in a car accident and disabled just like how my grandma convinced her that she was disabled- so she didn't have to do anything with her life!.. grandma tried convincing me of the same shit but i asked her about what happens if things get more expensive and the economy isn't doing as well.. she gave up because she didn't have any rational responses to my question. when a person has a child- they should encourage them to do what they truly want to do (if it's healthy and nothing about my goals are unhealthy) the best they can and offer them assistance.. not my mom.. it's easier to encourage them to be mini-me's! she doesn't care about my brother as much as she claims she cares about her daughters- so she just allows him to do what he wants and my sister would probably beat her ass if she tried to make her do something.. then there's me- her daughter who she can claim she has things in common with since she's got a traumatic brain injury! *claps* so now i'm expected to just GIVE UP everything i've busted my ass to get in life, so i can appear like a mentally disabled vulnerable adult, so amanda and the rest of my family (except joe- he ACTUALLY makes an effort to show he actually cares) can appear "caring" and "loving" and other feelings they clearly lack. i know i'm wasting my time expressing my frustration because NO ONE cares to actually help me in the way which would make me more constructive in my life. how would they like to be forced to do something when they know they're capable of doing MORE with their time? they wouldn't and they should stop acting like they actually care to make things different and more satisfying for me since this IS MY life. IN THE END- I AM THE ONE WHO WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY DECISIONS. NOT MY MOM. NOT AMANDA. ME. SO BUZZ THE FUCK OFF IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA ENCOURAGE AND SUPPORT ME TO DO THE THINGS I WANT FOR MY LIFE. i'll point out the fact that my mom has another daughter WITH children (so she has grandchildren) she can focus on. you're not doing anything but annoying the fuck outta me. your numbers stay on block. i'm annoyed with your false image of "care" towards me. you obviously just care that it APPEARS you care than ACTUALLY caring about me. tell me.. were you THIS concerned about me when you put me in front of my dad when he was kicking you? didn't think so. i guess when you have kids, you can SELECTIVELY care about them.. well- i SELECT not to communicate or associate with you.. not until you can actually take accountability for the health problems i've had in account of YOU. EVEN the man who nearly killed me took accountability for nearly killing me when he was drinking and driving. HE'S NOT EVEN RELATED TO ME. UNLIKE YOU WHO ACTUALLY GAVE BIRTH TO ME. you never even apologized and/or brought up putting me in front of my dad while he was kicking you.. i just put it all together with memories of my grandma mentioning how you had me in your arms while my dad and you were arguing around the time of my FIRST PERFORRATED BOWEL SURGERY and she claimed you turned away while he was kicking you and he ACCIDENTALLY kicked me.. reminscing dreams around the last surgery on my bowel when it was blocked. like God was trying to tell me the reason for my surgery. i went home after the surgery and searched "how do bowels get blocked?" on google and it told me they get blocked if a person turns too much sometimes (considering i was sitting at my computer, not turning or moving when i first felt the pain in my bowel which resembled a baby kicking... considering i hadn't had sex in at least two or three weeks when i felt the pain- that pretty much eliminated the possibility of pregnancy pain) and then it said a bowel can get blocked from trauma inflicted on the bowel.. i thought back to when my grandma claimed my dad kicked me on accident because my mom had turned away from him and that gave me the answer right there. my mom has NEVER brought this up to me in my whole life (she's probably ashamed of herself and afraid of my reactions after she tells me about how my dad was kicking at her and accidentally kicked me instead). WHEN A PERSON IS BEING KICKED BY ANOTHER PERSON AND THEY HAVE THEIR CHILD IN THEIR ARMS- WOULDN'T THE MOST SENSIBLE THING BE TO PROTECT YOUR BABY?! NOT MY NARCISSISTIC ASS MOM. JUST USE THEIR BABY AS A SHIELD! THEY'RE FAT BABIES ANYWAY AND THEY'RE YOUNG AND STUPID! THEY'LL FORGET ABOUT MY CARELESS ACTIONS!.. i've had to go through too much damn pain on account of you. you wonder why the hell i ran away.. do you think it could've been to get away from my careless, selfish mom?! IT'S PRETTY FUCKIN SAD THAT EVEN THE MAN WHO NEARLY KILLED ME CAN TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS AND MY OWN DAMN MOM FEELS SOME KIND OF ENTITLEMENT TO NOT HAVE TO APOLOGIZE OR EVEN RECOGNIZE THE SHIT SHE PUT ME THROUGH. EITHER HE'S A MORE INTELLIGENT PERSON AND MORE CARING BECAUSE EMPATHY REQUIRES INTELLECT. OR MY MOM JUST DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK. tim is pretty smart and it's nice knowing he's caring but it's kinda sad that he shows more care for me than my own damn mom. she seems to think she's allowed to appear "caring" whenever it's convenient and/or beneficial for herself though! just stop trying. you tire me. i'm just irritated that people view you as a "caring parent"- which i'm positive that jay can back me on this argument. you just like to appear "caring"- you're a selfish, nosey, entitled person who just expects everything to revolve around her. the number stays on block. i don't have time for your selfish ass anymore. go pretend to care about amy and all 50 of her kids.

reason for desire of departure?

i just showed the ics worker my toe when we had our ics session. he said that i should wrap it and keep it elevated- which i told him my cousin joe told me to do also. then we checked my champs status. i didn't know i've been registered since 2022- so HOPEFULLY that increases my chances in getting housing sooner. i think it has me registered for 11 housing programs. i was thinking about when i decided i wanted to move to new york.. it must've been around the time i was 15. so that's NEARLY TWENTY FIVE YEARS. oh.. but i suppose YOU'D KNOW THAT IF you care about me enough to think you can make ANY influence on where i live in my life. i've always had the desire to move OUT of state. NOTHING and NO ONE has tempted me to remain in a place that hasn't ever really offered me any opportunities to be truly satisfied and/or successful. i've never felt anything appealing about living in this state. the racist crimes aren't fuckin helping anything either. maybe it'd help if certain people wouldn't have ignorantly voted for the racist piece of shit in the white house right now. you're just making shit more difficult for yourself not helping me the way I want to be helped. IF YOU HAD ANY FUCKING RESPECT AND CARE- YOU'D REALIZE THAT. you'd also realize i'm NOT the kind of person to just do what other people are doing just because that keeps the peace. never have and NEVER will. i realize that if i do that shit- it's gonna eventually take a toll on me.. either my body and/or mental health. THAT'S OKAY TO AMANDA THOUGH! NOBODY LISTENS TO STACY ANYWAY! AT LEAST SHE'LL BE GONE SO SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO BOTHER ME ANYMORE! RIGHT?! that's the impression i get from this lousy excuse of "support" i receive from my family. THEN YOU DICKS CAN GET ALL THE FUCKIN SYMPATHY YOU WANT WHEN I DIE! RIGHT MOM?! YOU'LL GET ALL THE DAMN ATTENTION YOU WANT FOR A DAUGHTER YOU ONLY PAID ATTENTION TO FOR YOUR OWN BENEFIT AND CONVENIENCE.. OH AND I FORGOT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO YOU- THE ATTENTION YOU'LL RECEIVE FOR SUPPOSEDLY "CARING" ABOUT ME! (when i know DAMN WELL the ONLY reason you ever took care of me when i was wheelchair bound was because my grandma threatened you every time you wouldn't- i remember hearing her do it). I KNOW I'M USELESS TO YOU SINCE I DON'T SERVE AS A SHIELD TO YOU WHEN DAD IS KICKIN YOUR ASS. so take your fake ass along with every other family member who just feels like they can care about me at their own convenience and STICK IT. i don't have time for you or amanda. you're just weights on my progression in life. selfish dicks.

*GASP* i'm *NOT* a mindless pathetic-excuse-of-a-rehabilitation "center"'s TOOL!

and just to make sure certain people who really aren't helping me but are trying to make it look like they are by encouraging me to go BACK in my rehabilitation progress- i wanna make sure that people know that i would MUCH RATHER be volunteering at sabathani community center rather than hauling my ass mindlessly to some sad excuse of a "rehabilitation institute" just so my family members who really don't give a damn about what I want can look encouraging and supportive of me just going on some stupid fucking machines that my living room wall could operate and be paid for it because that's where my kewliez cousin's in-law works and she'll be enabled to pay attention to me at her OWN CONVENIENCE. when a person who is obviously trying to walk again goes to therapy- they have different stages. i've already done those stupid machines in courage kenny that a person sits in and pushes their feet back and forth while holding onto some bars and pushing and pulling them at the same time. after about 2 or 3 times a week- monday, wednesday, and friday for every week for about 3 or 4 years- IT GETS SICKENING. YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T HAVE EMPATHY IF YOU EXPECT A PERSON TO DO THIS SHIT DURING THAT TIME AND STILL FEEL MOTIVATED TO DO THAT SHIT- WHILE HAVING THE SAME RIDICULOUS EXCUSE OF A REHAB. INSTITUTE FAIL YOU THREE TIMES WHEN YOU TAKE THE BEHIND-THE-WHEEL TEST TO GET YOUR LICENSE AGAIN. THEY HAD KNOWLEDGE THAT WAS ONE OF MY GOALS IN THERAPY AND THEY'RE JUST TAKING ADVANTAGE OF IT BECAUSE EVERY DAMN TIME I'VE TAKEN THE BEHIND-THE-WHEEL TEST AT COURAGE KENNY- THEY ALWAYS CLAIM I NEED "MORE THERAPY". i know of people who CAN'T walk and courage kenny STILL managed to give them their LICENSE.. why's that you ask? BECAUSE THEY ACTUALLY HAVE ADVOCACY THAT PREVENTS COURAGE KENNY FROM LYING AND CLAIMING THEY NEED "MORE THERAPY" EVERY TIME THEY TAKE THE DRIVING TEST- COURAGE KENNY IS ABLE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY LACK OF ADVOCACY AND CARE! i refuse to go back to that fuckin joke of a rehabilitation institute. my grandma LIED and said amanda would advocate for me to get my license again (along with get me to new york). it's just not convenient for amanda to do what she CLAIMED to her aunt she'd do. i usually said that my grandma will deal with you in heaven but i'm really not sure you're going to the same place she went- just judging by your neglect and careless attitude towards me along with your political views which DO affect the values you have. so good luck. you have something less to do! you're not keeping me ANYWHERE I don't wanna be. no matter how much my careless, selfish mother wants me to be at because YOU CAN'T JUST PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR DAUGHTER WHEN IT'S BENEFICIAL AND CONVENIENT FOR YOU. you NEVER seemed to give a shit that i wanted to move to new york when grandma was alive and when you'd leave me at your apartment ALONE while i was still paraplegic and while you went to the bar to go play pool with your little boyfriend carlos. WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT ATTITUDE? just because you can't fuckin do anything with your own life- doesn't mean I have to live a life that YOU would've always wanted to live. you're definitely not interested in the same things i am. haven't you and amanda done ENOUGH damage to me? i've had to have at least TWO surgeries on my bowel on account of your selfish fuckin ass, mom. amanda just condones this abuse.. so i know she ain't going where my grandma is after she's gone.
my ics worker assisted me in looking for vehicles online today since i need a vehicle to practice driving before i take my behind-the-wheel test. i found one or two so far- they just need to message me back if they're still available. i have a few more months until i need to get my permit renewed and i'm hoping to be able to take my behind-the-wheel test for my license around that time.

stubbed toe

man.. when i got up (i think), i stubbed my damn toe and i'm not sure if it's broke, sprained, or just dislocated because it STILL hurts and it feels like the toe is bent upwards when i walk on my right foot- which actually weakens my leg. so i have to try to use my cane all the time but it still hurts. the nurse came to fill my anodyne machine today and i completely forgot to tell her about injuring my toe because i was concentrating on my online spanish lesson at the same time as she was filling my anodyne machine.
i think back when i wrote about how people more than likely only read my blog to see the kinda shit i have to go through and they seem to be interested in that more than my posts telling about good things happening to me. i'm sorry i can't entertain you unaccomplished losers with more shit. you're just gonna have to ACTUALLY do SOMETHING with your lives! i think back to a conversation i had with my grandma where she tried to convince me that i'd never have to work again since i got injured and i should go buy whatever i wanted. part of me stepped back and asked her, "what if the economy starts going bad?.." then she tried to condone herself by reassuring me, "OH IT WON'T!".. she was obviously old and naive- she had too much confidence in the economy. i'm pretty sure she convinced my mom of this same shit because my mom seems to spend her money that she inherited (i'm not even sure she has any left) from when my grandma died frivolously. just judging by what joe told me anyway a long time ago. so- with that said, my dad had to have been more financially conscience than my mom. i must've got my attitude on spending from him. i also remember my grandpa always strictly budgeting- so it might have skipped a generation and just stuck with me and my brother (because my brother seems to be pretty tight with his money also). so i'm not sure where the hell my mom thinks money comes from but i'm almost positive that she can't be doing well financially. don't look at me to bail you out- i'm also on social security with a volunteer job to keep me occupied. i should check with jay if you come to him for money- which i'm sure you do. you can steal from him AND then expect him to give you money? heh. OKAY. i'm sure you know i'd tell you where to go if you asked me after stealing money from me. some day.. hopefully soon and not so bluntly (you better hope not because I COULD CARE LESS) you'll find out that money doesn't grow on trees. well technically it does but it's not that available. i remember grandma telling me how she threatened you never to steal from me (since you seem to think you can steal from jay). i don't borrow money to family. you also would probably be jailed for stealing from me since i have other people handling my money since i AM a vulnerable adult. at least she's smart enough not to have attempted to steal from me yet. i wouldn't go easy on you either JUST because you're my mom- IF that would have mattered- you would've never stole from your own kid.

glad i'm not disappointing my dead "loved" ones.

it takes a pretty fuckin shitty ass person to lie to their own aunts and tell them they're going to do something when they die and assume they can just deny they told their aunt they'd do something and call the person that they were supposed to help with something in their lives "crazy". i'd rather kill myself than depend on government assistance and be unemployed my whole life- depending solely on social security my whole life. they're honestly everything i BUST MY ASS OFF NOT TO BE LIKE. everytime i look in the mirror, i honestly say to myself, "ugh. i hate her." and i'm NOT referring to "her" as MYSELF. that is HONESTLY the amount of anger i have towards her and i even angrily muttered to myself how i wish i had different dna. use your minds to figure it out, you might get it.. although i'm not sure if you will because you assumed i'd just be cool after taking after her to make YOUR fucking lives easier and more convenient. if you had ANY intelligence- you'd put yourself in MY shoes before making anymore of your stupid assumptions about MY life before you make anymore lazy ass, careless assumptions. i was correct about the judgment looking at my blog stats- people just anxiously look at this in hopes to see suffering and failure. i have another journal i write that shit in and it's NOT viewable online because *gasp* i AM smarter than to just bury myself in misery. so if you dicks seem to think THIS blog is bad- my journal will make your stupid asses cry. maybe if you actually got something to do with your OWN lives and didn't just worry about my own for entertainment- you'd be further in life.. besides working some shitty ass job while your husband rakes in all the cash or merely depending on social security, talking to your dogs, and having a boyfriend who either physically or verbally abuses you and calling it "love" because you can't find any decent, respectful man to be attracted to you. family members just condone this abuse and neglect because they assume it's more "convenient" for them because it seemed to work for my grandma. my family (other than joe) is the least empathetic people in the whole world and.. it takes intelligence in order to be "empathetic". so that should say enough about my situation i'm trapped in. i feel like amanda and my mom are just waiting for me to kill myself outta frustration because they seem so damn careless about what I TRULY WANT for MY life. my previous care coordinator used to dismiss all my blog posts about killing myself because she said i was "all talk" and no action. that particular care coordinator had a son who killed himself. it's mean to say that i understand why he killed himself with support like that. she probably said the SAME thing about her son and he proved her wrong. so those are just some things to think about. if you think about the crazy shit i've done in my life- i honestly wouldn't put anything past me. i may be crazy but i'm NOT stupid enough to believe i can just live the rest of my life comfortably on depending MERELY on social security. if you think that shit is possible- YOU surrender YOUR job and depend solely on government assistance. you can't fucking do it, so you shouldn't encourage people who have MORE potential than to live off government assistance JUST for YOUR fucking convenience because you're an unempathetic, entitled lying jackass.
at sabathani today, i had to tell some of the people that called that sabathani was gonna be closed after 5 pm and on friday and saturday because it was so cold. the thought of slipping my long underwear on before i went to work today crossed my mind but i'm not really sure where fredrick put them in my dresser.
something just crossed my mind, i remember probably the last time my grandpa said anything to me and he told me not to listen to anyone, i could do anything i put my mind to. SO AT LEAST I KNOW I'M NOT DISAPPOINTING ANY OF MY LOVED ONES WHO ARE DECEASED.. unlike other certain neices. my grandma used to remind me of what my grandpa said when she was still alive. so i can at least see where my persistance came from. i may be crazy but i'm NOT stupid.

ANOTHER POST TO SATISFY THE READERS!

this alone tells me enough about the supposed excuse of "support" i'm expected to receive. i didn't get much traffic yesterday, telling about how my interview went well but i always seem to get MORE traffic when shitty things happen to me and i mention them on my blog. people are anxious to see shit happen for me. i guess mentioning today how i fell while trying to pick up a med cup that fell on the floor and banged the side of my head on the floor will satisfy you all. now, i have a big bump forming above my eye and there's a small cut on it. i'm still going to sabathani though because that seems to be the only place where i get relief. the fact that i get more traffic when shit happens to me irritates the living fuck outta me- it honestly shows how people only supposedly CARE enough to see shit happen to me but GOD FORBID THEY MAKE AN EFFORT TO SEE HOW THEY CAN HELP (AND I DON'T MEAN HELP THEMSELVES- WHICH SEEMS TO BE THE ONLY MOTIVE FOR MY SELFISH ASS FAMILY SINCE THEY FEEL LIKE THEY CAN'T MAKE SHIT HAPPEN FOR THEMSELVES- SO TRY TO STEAL FROM THE ONLY FAMILY MEMBER WHO'S REALLY TRYING TO DO SOMETHING WITH THEIR LIVES BUT IS STILL STRUGGLING). OF COURSE- THEY'RE STRUGGLING BECAUSE THEY'RE CRAZY FOR WANTING TO MAKE AN ACTUAL LIFE FOR THEMSELVES WHILE NOT CONFORMING TO WHAT EVERYONE ELSE WHO IS DISABLED AND VULNERABLE ARE DOING! RIGHT AMANDA? HOW STUPID AND FOOLISH! this is another big reason why my grandma picked the wrong person to take her place.. the person she picked just does what's convenient for her and what looks good to everyone else (but me, the person who she's supposed to be helping)- THAT'S OKAY THOUGH! STACY IS STUPID AND SHE'LL EVENTUALLY SEE IT'S BETTER TO JUST BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! RIGHT AMANDA?! GOTTA LAUGH ABOUT THIS WITH DUSTIN!! and people probably doubt my ptsd diagnosis.. they shouldn't after seeing everything i'm expected to deal with like a completely safe healthy person. i've more than likely went through the same amount of trauma that the normal soldier of war has went through and i still can't get the help which would be TRULY helpful- why? BECAUSE IT'S NOT CONVENIENT FOR THE SUPPOSED RIDICULOUS EXCUSE OF "SUPPORT" I HAVE! WHY DON'T I JUST LAY DOWN AND LET EVERYONE DO EVERYTHING FOR ME LIKE A DISABLED PERSON IS SUPPOSED TO DO?! BECAUSE I HAVE PERSISTENCE AND RESPECT FOR MYSELF NOT TO JUST GIVE UP EVERYTHING I BUSTED MY ASS FOR. HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU FEEL?

content

i accidentally figured wrong when making my lyft ride- or there was more traffic causing it to take longer for me to get to the interview. the other job coach that i had met me there and LUCKILY, i had him tell the people i was interviewing with that i'd be a little late- so hopefully they don't frown on that- i'll know next time to make my ride 10 minutes earlier than i did today. i got to the hotel finally and seen the other job coach sitting at a table on his computer and i went to the desk and told them i was there for an interview. the lady who i was interviewing with met with me at a table and she asked me questions and i had a nice conversation with her, while the other job coach sat at the table next to us and listened in- chiming in when it was helpful. after the interview was over, the other job coach complimented me on how well the interview went after the interview. i hope my tardiness didn't make a difference because of how well the interview went. then i went home and the ics worker called me and asked me if there was anything they could help me with. i said, "well.. just to check on the apartment in boston and if they got my application and what number i am.." then the ics worker just said, "you can call them and ask them the status of your application." then i said, "well i feel like i just called them and i don't wanna annoy them.." and then they said, "oh.. they won't be annoyed. just tell them you were wondering about the status of your application." then i said, "okay.." and called them and told them my name and i was just wondering about the status of my application. at first the lady who answered the phone said that i'm #1.. my eyes widened but i played it cool because there's no way things could work out that well for me. then she said quickly, "oh! no.. you're number 87!" a little worse.. but i think i was in the 200's the previous time i called. so i'm gradually making my way up!.. i'll take it. i'm pretty sure the last time i called was just last friday, so this waiting list moves faster than i thought. so i'm satisfied with things right now. the lady i interviewed with seemed moderately interested in hiring me.. but then i've got that feeling with a lot of other interviews where they end up hiring someone else- so that's not saying much. just have to wait to see where things go. she told me she'd call me by monday, so if i see a number pop up which wasn't from the hotel and it was her personal line- it was her and don't think it's a telemarketer/spam call. so i'm not sure if i should take that reassurance as a good sign? but i'll just play it by ear because i get this feeling about a lot of other interviews and they end up finding someone else.

what's going on

man.. i hear like a stampede of feet and cries of people when i'm sitting at my computer now. i heard it the other morning while i was laying in bed, i was gonna call the cops because i was trying to get some sleep, except i remembered calling the cops on them the other week for being loud and it sounded like a man was beating on a girl. i didn't want the cops to think i call them all the time- even though the burnsville police didn't seem to mind being called all the times i had to call for my nutty neighbor either telling me that i was gonna die or playing his music loudly. i'm pretty sure they wouldn't mind because i called them the other week and i had to get up to let them into this apartment building to make sure they had the correct apartment i was calling about. it has to be the same apartment now because the neighbors on my other side are really laid back and nice. the thought of the possibility of it being ice also came to mind but i've heard this same stampede and crying a few times before.. so i'm kinda doubting it. at least if they come for me, i have my passport and certificate of birth in my lock box in my apartment.

another approach to get hired.. I'LL TRY ANYTHING!

i just seen my job coach and i was sharing with her that i have the job interview tomorrow and how i wasn't sure when i should schedule the interview because i wasn't by my calendar when the lady asked me on text message in the lyft ride yesterday but i assumed my wednesdays were free because i'm usually free on that day. my job coach said, "GOOD CHOICE!" and when i got home, i was correct- i didn't have anything going on at the time they told me they wanted to have the interview. another job coach will be meeting me at that interview (different than my regular) because my job coach suggested to her supervisor that we get another opinion in the situation from another job coach because she had another client who got another job coach and they got a job immediately when they had the other job coach help them. i'm up to try anything which will actually get me hired- so i didn't have any objections to the suggestion. so i hope this will happen for my situation also. i feel capable of working the job i'm interviewing for tommorow and i don't have any problems with this hotel job more specifically. i gotta prepare for it- so i'll try to look over the job description again before the interview tomorrow. i need to catch my lyft ride to go to sabathani now.

the theme of my life seems to be "misery loves company"..

when i was brushing my teeth in my bathroom this morning, the thought of how CERTAIN relatives seem to have this idea they want their other relatives to go through the same shit they've had to go through. i'm not positive if it's because misery loves company or they're just selfish asses? i don't want ANYTHING to do with these kind of people. you're nothing but a weight on my progression- trying to act as a distraction of where I REALLY want to be. i had the assumption that parents and other relatives wanted only the best for their relatives/"loved" ones. then i think back to a conversation i had with my grandma a LONG time ago- she said STRAIGHT OUT to me, "stacy.. you're a good person. NOT everyone is like you." i kinda took it like, "heh. yeah right. you're just worried about people screwing me over." but now i see EXACTLY what she meant. EVEN her OWN offspring seem to have it out for me. you may humor me when i say that because YOU haven't experienced the feeling of getting kicked by your own dad because your mom is selfishly and carelessly using YOU as a shield while he's kicking her. EXPLAIN THE PAST TWO SURGERIES THAT I'VE HAD ON MY BOWEL. AN ABDONIMAL ORGAN. IN THE AREA I WAS KICKED BECAUSE MY OWN DAMN MOM THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO PUT ME IN FRONT OF HER WHILE BEING KICKED BY HER HUSBAND (MY DAD). she also seems to have something against my brother.. so, i'm not sure if it's just because we share the same dad and she's being spiteful- trying to take out her pain that our dad caused her spitefully on us? she doesn't do this shit to my fat sister. i used to always assume that she favored my sister because she's the youngest of our family and my mom was the youngest of her family.. until i had these reminiscing dreams (around the time of my last surgery) of being KICKED by my dad because my mom held me in front of her, using me as a shield, while he kicked her. this also pisses me off because this shitty ass parenting was CONDONED by my family MY WHOLE LIFE. "huh. oh well- IT'S JUST STACY! SHE'S A FAT BABY! SHE CAN TAKE IT AND SHE'LL JUST FORGET ABOUT IT! SHE'S YOUNG AND STUPID!".. fuck you. I'VE WENT THROUGH TWO DAMN SURGERIES SO FAR IN MY LIFE SO FAR. YOU STUPID ASSHOLES WONDER WHY I RAN OFF TO NEW YORK WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE. NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ANYWAY. THEY JUST LIKE HOW IT LOOKS AND FEELS TO GET SYMPATHY. honestly. my job coach is coming in like 10 minutes. work seems to be the only thing that gets my mind off how ridiculous my damn life is. i go to sabathani later also. work is a break from thinking about how much things fuckin suck. thanks a lot bum. i have PTSD because of your selfish ass.

what a surprise! *MORE* disadvantages to being little.

i've been searching my email and i notice these notifications for jobs at the airport. i've interviewed for at least one airport job and i'm pretty sure they rejected me because i'm so damn little. i wouldn't mind working for the airport but i can't do manual labor like move airplane ramps and things like that- so i'm thinking that's probably why they didn't call me after the interview. i assumed there wouldn't be any manual labor doing customer support jobs for the airport but i'm pretty sure i was wrong.

staying constructive.

i got up today and went to the dentist to get my teeth fixed, so that i don't look like michael strahan. when i was sitting in the chair, i said to the dental assistant, "so- what are you doing today? are you gonna make it so i don't look like michael strahan anymore?" then the dental assistant looked at me and laughed and said, "haha you don't look like michael strahan.. you're funny.. we're gonna fix your front left tooth that you chipped." then eventually the dentist came in and the dental assistant helped hand him some tools while he messed around in my mouth. so now i don't look like michael strahan anymore! they did a good job, you can't even tell anything was wrong with my teeth.
on the way home, some lady from a hotel i applied to texted me and asked me if i was available for an interview either tomorrow or wednesday. i wasn't by my calendar yet and i didn't remember but i was pretty sure that my wednesdays are usually open- so she tentatively scheduled me for wednesday unless my job coach calls me back and tells me that we can do an interview tomorrow during her appointment time. she hasn't called me back yet and i'm pretty sure i left her a message at least an hour ago. this particular hotel sounds familiar- so i'm not sure whether i've already interviewed there before or if it was at a different location or if i'm just imagining things- which is also a strong possibility.