GO AWAY BEFORE YOU GET RAN OVER.

the nurse who fills my anodyne machine came to my place this morning to fill my anodyne machine with the medication that the gynocologist who gave me my last pap smear prescribed me for the std i was told i had. she's seen the person who gave it to me at my apartment before and she asked me if i told him, i said, "well.. i tried to call him and message him on facebook and through text message and he still hasn't responded." then she shrugged her shoulders and said, "OH WELL! at least YOU are getting the proper treatment for it!" then i said, "yeah.. i tried to tell him. i did everything i could and i'm pretty sure he's the one who gave it to me since he's been the only one i've been with lately." ah well, i read and i hope i'm remembering right that after i take this treatment, it should go away in a few weeks. the pills taste nasty and they disolve in my mouth almost right away, so i gotta drink water quickly after the pill is in my mouth. it seems kinda weird that i can't see him anywhere and everytime i call the number i have on my phone- it says it's disconnected. ah well- i just gotta remove his presence from my memory considering he's not trying to talk to me after i was bitching about how i didn't wanna get up so late because i was volunteering somewhere the next day and he KNOWS i volunteer there and when. i just hope nothing bad happened to him.
my finger doesn't hurt anymore really but that big bump on the side of it is still there- so i've been icing it for 30 minutes while elevating it.. i think the doctor said to contact this specialist if the swelling doesn't go down by monday.
i've been thinking exactly why the fuck my mom is so damn convinced she can have any sort of affect on where i go. she never used to give a shit- she used to say, "I DON'T CARE IF YOU WANT TO MOVE TO NEW YORK! IT'S YOUR LIFE! LIVE IT HOW YOU WANT!".. then fat amy and her flying monkey niece came around and they seem to think that someone that comes from the same place as them and went through HELL just to get here- that person should stay here because misery loves company and wtf gives me the right to live life the way i busted my ass off in college, rehab., and jobs (ALL OF THAT WITH A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY)?! THEY THINK THAT I BELONG ON THEIR LEVEL BECAUSE THEY FIND IT TOO FUCKING INCONVENIENT TO WORK AT THEIR OWN ABILITY WHEN THEY CAN JUST CLING TO PEOPLE ACTUALLY TRYING TO MAKE THEIR LIVES BETTER!.. and spread their legs and have babies by men who make them welfare dependant. the day you assholes LIVE through SIX months in a coma and at least 20 years wheelchair dependant because your family likes the attention they get from having a HANDICAPPED RELATIVE- then maybe you can tell me exactly where the fuck i go. i didn't bust my ass off in rehab., college, and a few jobs JUST to remain depending on SOCIAL SECURITY for my uncaring, naive family's convenience. EVERY DAMN NIGHT DURING THE END OF MY GRANDMA'S LIFE, SHE USED TO SAY, "WHEN I'M GONE- AMANDA WILL GET YOU TO NEW YORK!" am i in new york? no.. EXACTLY ELEVEN YEARS AGO- SHE DIED TODAY. BECAUSE AMANDA COULD GIVE A SHIT LESS ABOUT ME OR HER CRAZY OLD AUNT! that's the translation i get from this. "YOU GOT THIS!".. no the fuck i don't. you're an idiot if you can't recognize that after eleven fucking years of not moving from this state- you still can't realize I DON'T HAVE THIS. you're definitely NOT as smart as my grandma thought you were. thanks. you've shown me exactly how much people could care less about me. and have just proved EXACTLY why i have absolutely NO desire to remain in this opportunity-less place where only my mom is happy because she can get away with being responsible for hurting her kids while playing victim AS USUAL. people wonder why i do half the shit i do- BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE. i can't even get to a place where i'm truly satisfied to build because it's too fucking inconvenient for people who couldn't give a fuck about me- they just care that they look "loving" and "caring" to others. WELL YOU'RE NOT. HAVE A FUN TIME IN HELL. yes. i mean that with all the heart that i have left. fuck you all. selfish pricks. my stupid mom, her flying monkey, and fat amy. along with all you other assholes who can help me but it's too fucking inconvenient for you to care.
i'm volunteering for a memorial in tribute to philando castile tomorrow. it'll be fun. i always have fun volunteering for this. at least THAT should cheer me up tomorrow- being in a place where i actually feel useful- that's diverse and a positive happy experience. i'm making the best in this opportunity-less environment, staying as FAR AWAY from ignorant, negative pricks (that includes my racist family members who can't even answer the phone when i call them in the emergency room- I COULD BE DEAD.. if you didn't wanna fuckin take the responsibility of advocating and ACTUALLY HELPING me- you shouldn't have lied to your aunt about it). i find more opportunities the more diverse and accepting the environment is.. IMAGINE THAT! exactly why my mom will never come across opportunity because she's ignorant and she feels entitled.

hopefully this is gone SOON.

i forgot if i mentioned this, i don't see it in the last post though- i spoke with the nurse who fills my anodyne machine and i told her that i got the medicine the doctors just prescribed for that std.. she said, "oh! i hear that's going around minneapolis!" number one- i don't know HOW she just heard about this.. i kinda doubt it's from anyone she normally hangs around or anything. number two- she told me to make sure that my partner knows about this, so he can get treated and we don't just pass it back and forth between each other and i WOULD if i could ACTUALLY get ahold of him. she's luckily gonna come fill my anodyne machine tomorrow with it.. so hopefully i'll get rid of this shit. i suppose it would make sense if he's screwing around with people, then he has me on the side, seeing as he IS living in minneapolis. i also remember finding the name of some girl and her phone number on a little piece of paper folded up in my couch a while ago after he slept on my couch the night before- i just assumed it was one of the ics workers' numbers that works in this apartment. now i'm wondering if he's screwing around.. he's not getting any if he doesn't prove to me that he got treated and i'm not even sure he'll talk to me again- seeing as everything i've tried to contact him on doesn't work since monday when he has knowledge that i want to try to get as much sleep as possible and he knocked on my window to get my attention so i'd let him in but i must've been bitching so loud about not wanting to get up because i was going to sabathani the next day- so when i finally went to the front door, no one was there, and i didn't wanna wake up so i'm not a tired bitch when i volunteer. although- i don't honestly see all the symptoms of the particular std i was told i had by the nurse earlier this week.. might be my good hygeine but i don't notice all of the symptoms honestly.

ANOTHER *CROOKED* finger?!

fredrick took me to urgent care for my finger today. i expected it to be a longer wait but it actually wasn't too bad, in my opinion. the doctor that seen me asked me what happened and i told her that i lost balance yesterday while i was getting off my couch and fell on my finger, while falling back on the couch and i had HOPED the swelling would go down by today and i slept with ice on it and everything and i woke up with this big bump on the side of my finger. they gave me a splint for my finger and said she'd give me a specialist's card if the swelling doesn't go down by monday. they took x-rays of my finger and it didn't show that it was broken. so that's good. it's the finger next to the finger i broke when i was in a car accident that those dumbasses in buffalo's hospital set wrong, so that finger is crooked now- but i think they told me i could pay a bunch of money to get it straight!.. i think not. it works just as well as a straight finger and doesn't inconvenience me really. so now i'm stuck with TWO fucked up fingers on my left hand! i suppose it's probably a good thing i'm right handed.. even though i can write with both (i pretty much had to learn how to write with my left hand after the car accident i was in, since the left side of my brain mainly got injured- so it affected the right side of my body). the doctor told me to elevate and ice it like 5 times a day for a half an hour. hopefully this will help because i really don't want to have two fucked up fingers- they're right next to each other too (my pointer finger is already bent from the car accident and i messed up my middle finger last night). just another exciting day in my life. what'dya do? *rolls eyes* just adapt and keep it movin. take it like a g.

IT'S A MATTER OF *PRINCIPLES*.

i had two interviews today. one was this morning and it went okay, i don't remember making any mistakes during the interview, then i just had another one at a hotel the lyft driver couldn't find until he asked someone where we were and i told him the address i had in my cell phone which apparently was different than what the lyft driver had in his computer. so i got there like 5 minutes late but the person who interviewed me didn't say anything about my tardiness because i told him that the lyft driver had to stop and ask someone questions. the second interview went well also, i didn't make any mistakes but i'm not sure i really stand out to interviewers- so they don't even bother considering me. ah well. just gonna have to keep trying.
i was thinking on my way back from my interview about how my mom or any of my other family really don't seem interested in any jobs i get or interviews. my mom has went outta her way to tell me on the phone about my brother working different jobs- so she at least pays attention to how he works. she's mentioned my sister working for my grandma's brother a few times also. i'm not sure if she's aware of the fact that I am NOT here, on this Earth, to make others feel better about their situations. i did NOT start out with a brain injury and so i'm definitely NOT gonna just do what's CONVENIENT for others (who don't have to deal with the circumstances of my choices). SO GET THAT FUCKIN IDEA OUT OF YOUR HEAD, AMANDA AND MOM. grandma foolishly had confidence in amanda ACTUALLY HELPING ME TO LIVE MY LIFE THE WAY I WANT BECAUSE SHE WAS AWARE THAT SHE DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT HOW TO GET CERTAIN OPPORTUNITIES THAT I WANT. tell yourself whatever the fuck you want about how my grandma knew what she was doing- so she purposely didn't help me. SHE WAS AWARE THAT SHE WAS NAIVE WHEN IT CAME TO HOW THINGS ARE THESE DAYS AND SHE DIDN'T WANNA PUT ONE OF THE PEOPLE SHE CARED ABOUT MOST IN A BAD LIVING SITUATION INTENTIONALLY. the fact that you're too fuckin selfish and careless does NOT help me at all. having a disrespectful, intentionally negligent family does NOT help my life.. ESPECIALLY with a traumatic brain injury. it's really no wonder why most people with tbi's get ptsd after their accidents and not FROM them. so it just reveals exactly how uncaring amanda and my grandma really are. i'll never forgive any of you and that includes my mom who has used me as a damn HUMAN SHIELD while being kicked by my dad when i was younger.. so far- my family is responsible for my PTSD which DOES actually affect me during my rehabilitation and health and *GASP* that MUST be one of the reasons why i've never had the desire to stay around where i lived.. because deep down- i KNEW something would happen to me to reveal exactly how much my family and other people around this state doesn't care about me. if they really gave a shit- THEY'D CHANGE HOW MUCH SUPPORT AND CARE THEY'VE SHOWN ME. NOPE! THEREFORE THEY DO NOT CARE FOR ME AND I'M JUST SEEN TO MAKE THEM FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEIR LIVES. i'm obviously capable of more than remaining where i am settling for depending on ssi because that's more convenient for my family so they don't have to support me in any other way even though they have the knowledge that NO ONE who really pays disabled workers decently! that's also why amanda just assumes that i'm better off since minnesota supposedly pays the most for ssi- maybe to careless, entitled people who don't care enough to consider COST OF LIVING IS MORE IN OTHER AREAS BECAUSE THEY HAVE MORE OPPORTUNITIES AND BENEFITS THAN HERE- SO THEREFORE THEY PAY MORE. i can only really count on my cousin joe to agree with this and my obsessed sister who thinks because she reads my blog- SHE'LL MAGICALLY TURN INTO ME!.. gotta do the work, chubs. I'M NOT PUT ON THIS FUCKING PLANET TO MAKE ANYONE FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEIR LIVES. go fuck yourself if you think differently. YOU GOT THIS!

possibility?

i just spoke to a man about an office administrator job on the phone. he was nice and he explained what the person who would be working the job would be doing and asked my job experience. i'm pretty sure i confused him with my minnesotan accent because he was probably expecting a mexican twang to my voice/pronunciation which mexican people seem to have with their accents. he asked me where i was from and i said, "well.. i was born in mexico.. then like a month or so later- my mom brought me with her back to minnesota where she was from." then he said, "oh. i'll call you for an in-person meeting later.. how should i communicate with you? through email.. indeed?" then i said, "email might be best because i'm not sure i return my text messages right away.. also indeed." so i'm pretty sure i scored an in-person interview after this phone interview! he seemed interested in hiring me.. well, from my opinion anyway. he may come across other candidates though because like i said before, i'm not sure i put much of a relevance to people. ah well- all i can do is think optimistically because thinking negatively really won't get me anywhere.
i found out some more bad news.. the clinic called me and said they found something during my last pap smear but they want me to take this medicine they sent over to the pharmacy and they'll test me again next month. it irritates me because i can't even get ahold of pretty near the only person i slept with lately (since they DID tell me to tell my partner about the diagnosis). i tried calling him and it says that the number no longer works, i tried messaging him on facebook and it says "Can't deliver. User unavailable.". so at least i tried to tell him. he CLAIMED that he was crying to his mom when he found out he got hpv (i even suggested a condom).. so i'm not sure if he's just full of shit, trying to make me feel guilty for something that may not have been something new to him. i can't get ahold of him now though.. so it's not like i didn't try to tell him of something he may have been aware of in the first place. and just making me nasty.. so i gotta take all this medicine to cure it. oh well.. i tried.

another interview..

i woke up today and got ready, ate breakfast, then waited for the person from the hotel i was supposed to have a phone interview with. after about 10 minutes i just decided to call the hotel myself- the lady who was going to be conducting the interview answered the phone. she told me she was just about to call me and she had to get to her office, so she'd call me back in a few minutes. i waited a few minutes, then she called me. i asked her about training after she told me which days they were looking to hire for (the hours are perfect since i don't really have anything else to do in my life). she asked me if i had any experience in working in a hotel and i said, "well.. no but i think it was a hilton who had planned to hire me but i quit during training because the guy training me in was gossiping about me to the front desk girls. he said while he was training me, "i don't know how they expect me to train her- LOOK AT HER!". i just remembered that i forgot to tell her that he was training me in for a job that i wasn't even interviewing for. the woman who was hiring me, wanted me to have a job at the hotel and she CLAIMED that the front desk position was filled (which the girls who worked the front desk told me was untrue)- so she attempted to hire me for the breakfast attendant position. i did everything the guy training me in asked me to do except when it came to carrying this heavy jug of liquid- i couldn't do it and i didn't wanna get hurt in training, so i asked the guy for help which is probably why he said, "LOOK AT HER!". i realized that i shouldn't have quit during training, i should've just told the lady who hired me that he was gossiping about me while training me and i didn't feel comfortable. then after i told her all of this, the lady interviewing me today said that i was actually her first interview and she'd get back to me in like a week or so. i said, "oh well.. i hope you don't forget about me." because i'm not sure i make a relevant experience for people to remember me to hire me. i probably made the mistake about telling her about how i quit during training, so she might just assume i'm not dependant or somthing. although i DID tell her about the guy training me gossiping to the front desk girls, which she said wasn't professional.. i also hope she doesn't go by what that guy training me was saying when he said, "LOOK AT HER!" and assume i'm completely incompetent and unable to work the job. she might though.. considering i forgot to tell her that he was training me in for a completely different position than what i interviewed for. i need to eat and go to sabathani this afternoon.

interviews giving me direction..

first, after i got up i went to the first interview i had today which was at some hotel which looked familiar (but they ALL do.. so that's not saying much). some other hotel is actually interested in hiring me, so they messaged me asking when i could come in for an in-person interview. if they thought i wasn't capable of working the job and remaining WASTING MY TIME AT COURAGE KENNY.. DON'T YOU THINK THEY WOULDN'T HAVE FUCKIN WASTED THEIR TIME SEEING WHEN I COULD COME IN FOR A DAMN INTERVIEW?! it's pretty fuckin sad when strangers have more confidence in your ability to do things OTHER THAN EASY SHIT THAT MY LIVING ROOM WALL COULD DO JUST SO THEY GET PAID FOR KEEPING THEIR CLIENT'S ABILITIES IN THE SAME DAMN PLACE. well.. it's nice to see that some people actually have respect.. and i'm definitely not talking about the pricks who "support" me to mindlessly attend some pathetic excuse of a rehabilitation center JUST so they can appear caring, supportive, and whatever else bullshit they're looking to fulfill their egos with. you really need to consider what kind of person you REALLY are. must suck to feel better about yourself when taking advantage of a person you were trusted to advocate for JUST to make yourself look "better". i wouldn't know. i have more integrity than that. it's almost as sad as a person who reads their sister's blog every day, hoping they can find a shortcut to being successful because they're too fuckin lazy to do the work themselves on their lives. my therapist couldn't understand why i have such a problem with someone looking up to me, so they stalk me but i must make my life look easy? you REALLY think it was that fuckin easy to get where i am now? stop wasting your time stalking and ACTUALLY do the fuckin work to get on the track of getting where i am. THERE AREN'T ANY SHORTCUTS EITHER, TUBS. it just pisses me off that people refuse to realize the shit i've been through to get where i am- like this was EASY or something considering my circumstances.. you people try to get as far as i did with a narcissistic mom and her flying monkeys- one being my own sister and cousin, and a traumatic brain injury along with ALL the circumstances (having to have a few surgeries as a result of my selfish, narcissistic bum mom) and situations tied to it. YOU CAN'T. IT WASN'T THAT FUCKIN EASY AND YOU DICKS AREN'T STOPPING ME HERE, SO MY ADVICE IS TO WORRY ABOUT YOUR OWN FAT ASSES AND WORK ON YOURSELVES. DON'T CONCENTRATE ON WHAT I'M DOING BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST GONNA GET LEFT IN THE DUST. i'm obviously smarter than you and i have other values and *GASP* YOU AIN'T ONE OF THEM! fuck off. you'll always be nothing if you just watch me every fucking day in the crazy hopes of magically turning into something REMOTELY the same as i am. i'm not kidding either. since you seem to think i'm smart enough to be interested enough to read my blog EVERY DAY in hopes of turning into me.
i've got another phone interview with another hotel tomorrow and i'm pretty sure a different one was trying to schedule an in-person interview with me on indeed.. so i hope i found my niche.

renewal!

i got my housing application renewed for new york housing for another 2 years, aisha helped me make sure i got it completed. now, i'm going to my next interview at chipotle in like 15 minutes. i just remembered and i'm PRETTY SURE the last chipotles that i interviewed at were probably in burnsville or another city. so hopefully these guys will give me a shot at working.

mas entrevistas

i just had an interview that i managed to schedule already last night. i'd say it went alright, although i DID forget to get the card of the guy who interviewed me- i usually remember that.. i hope he doesn't assume i'm any less interested in the job. this morning before i got my clothes on, a thought popped in my head- even if it IS hot- i'm not sure shorts are appropriate to wear for an interview. so i typed into google, "are shorts appropriate to wear during a job interview?" and google told me that shorts weren't appropriate to wear for an interview, so i slipped on some khakis because the hotel was more than likely to have air conditioning. i don't remember making any mistakes during the interview.. so i'm hoping the guy will give me a chance. he did say that they just purchased the hotel and they were looking to fill the jobs, so they could get it running. hopefully that makes them more anxious to hire employees. i think he said i'd hear back by next week. i have the interview at chipotle which i planned for later also. ics is gonna help me renew my application to new york housing at my ics session since i got an email saying it was going to expire in like 15 days or something. i'm pretty sure i've had a valid application in their housing company for close to at least 15 years, so i just need to keep this application to get me east as soon as possible.. but like i said- i've been an applicant of theirs for close to 15 years i think. which is also another reason why i looked for surrounding cities to reside at. i'm satisfied with the surrounding city i've chosen- it seems to have more available housing opportunities, plus it's a nice place. i see that i also have an interview at some other hotel scheduled tomorrow.

short notice!

i just got done scheduling another interview tomorrow morning at a hotel here in st. paul. the good thing is- it says it's located 15 minutes away from this apartment- so i scheduled it at like 9:30. although, fredrick isn't coming until tomorrow afternoon- so i gotta make my own breakfast, it won't cut the things i need to do before i leave for the interview but i suppose i'll just make something quick that i can put in the toaster. like i said- i jump at the opportunity to have any interview i can get my hands on. so HOPEFULLY i can at least fall asleep at a decent time tonight.. although i don't have a damn cpap to help me fall asleep.. so i'll probably lay there for hours with my eyes shut.

proof that DNA needs to be *COMPLETELY* the same to show any real similarities.

okay.. i've been looking at my stats to my blog all the time. i notice there's always at least 5 views even typically by 8 am in the morning. who could be THAT interested in my boring ass life? i've narrowed down the possibilities and i'm PRETTY SURE it's my fat sister who seems to be convinced that JUST because we happen to share HALF of the same DNA- SHE MUST BE ABLE TO FUCK HER LIFE UP AND GET IT BACK SINCE HER KEWLIEZ SISSY DID! she obviously ignores all the hard work that i've done to get where i am. i say that because i graduated with honors- in hopes of becoming a doctor until after my car accident- i assumed it'd take WAY too long to get through med school and do the hours of hard work it takes to be a doctor. maybe it takes someone who is actually AWARE of reality? if my sister has so much in common with me- i don't see how she doesn't recognize that she still has to graduate high school (and attend jr. high because i'm pretty sure she dropped out in 7th or 8th grade?) WITH HONORS and attend several different colleges, work a few jobs.. then MAYBE we're on the same level. my brother managed to graduate, attend college, AND earn his certificate in welding.. along with get a welding job. what's the difference between all my mom's children? other than different fathers (my sister has a different dad besides my brother and i)- my brother and i lived mainly with my grandparents when they were alive- so we basically got raised with VALUES. although if you wanna consider getting pregnant when you're 12 something of values like my sister.. shit.. i don't honestly think i lost my virginity just before i was 21.. i think i have a tendency of scaring most guys from trying things with me. whatever.. look at that as a good or bad thing.. at least i wasn't set up to be a welfare mom at a young age. the one lady who realized my sister was on a bad track- my grandma, attempted to help my sister get set up with classes to get her ged.. what does my smart ass sister do?! PUSHES HER OWN GRANDMA ON HER ASS AT MY APARTMENT AFTER MY GRANDMA ATTEMPTED TO STICK UP FOR HER WHEN MY SISTER'S MONKEY ASS BOYFRIEND IS PUSHING MY SISTER AROUND! THEN SHE LAUGHS ABOUT IT LATER WITH THE DEADBEAT CHIMP LATER AT MY MOM'S PLACE. she never apologized.. because i KNOW my grandma would've told me about it. so i'm pretty sure my sister thinks that getting myself where i am right now HAS to be easy and within her abilities because she's my KEWLIEZ SISSY! work on step one, fatsy. concentrate on getting your ged because the grump administration is stripping people on welfare of their benefits. she doesn't have anyone successful to actually look up to- so i'm pretty sure she's stalking me and attempting to see if there's any easy shortcuts.. the answer is NO.. there aren't any shortcuts. i went to school, college, and later worked jobs even with people attempting to say i was too handicap to work.. i STILL get discriminated against when having interviews. i am more than certain that the fact i have a TBI doesn't look good to employers. they'd rather hire a fully healthy person rather than a disabled person- probably because they view me as a LIABILITY (which i was actually told by the physical therapist at courage kenny i was and that's why they didn't let me do the things that would actually strengthen me). so needless to say- i'm grateful for any interview i get because it shows they have confidence in me working. i have this interview at chipotle tomorrow- i think i've interviewed there at least twice before.. so it's not saying much. so if fatsy seems to think i'll put my own plans on hold to help her progress and do better- she has another thing coming. WHY? SO YOU CAN PUSH ME ON THE GROUND JUST LIKE YOU PUSHED GRANDMA?! I THINK NOT. i have too much to lose. you're obviously too stupid to comprehend that because i feel like i've wrote about this before.. it probably makes you wet with excitement.. i'm not sure how stupid people think though. concentrate on yourself, tubs. then maybe you'll realize you're SUPPOSED to RESPECT your elders.. not push them on the ground when they attempt helping you. get your shit together. i'm trying to and the LAST thing i need is my family pulling me down because they don't have anything better to do. you and the flying monkey seem to be homies.. maybe she can help you.