MY FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE) NEEDS TO LEARN WHAT *CARING* REALLY MEANS.

i don't know if i've wrote about my frustration with this topic before- it continues to come up in my mind.. so i'm assuming i have. i don't really understand how my family expects to look "caring" for basically refusing to assist their own family member to get to a place where they can be truly constructive and happy when i'm sure they have knowledge of the fact that keeping their "loved" one in a place where they supposedly get a higher pay from social security- so they can just depend on that while wasting their time and potential at some sad excuse of a "rehabilitation facility" just because it makes them look more CARING to everyone else (i know because none of my family (but joe) has taken in consideration of MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE with the pathetic excuse of a "rehabilitation facility" because they're ONLY concerned with how they appear to everyone else!)amanda and/or none of my other family members (but joe) have taken the opportunity to ask me about my PERSONAL EXPERIENCE with that shit. they care more about how they appear to everyone (assuming they should be concerned about me moving to another state- simple solution to that problem! tell them to MIND THEIR BUSINESS! *gasp* IT'S REALLY THAT EASY!)of course my family members (except joe) don't care about me that much! which is really another reason why i have ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE TO STICK AROUND THIS SAD EXCUSE OF A STATE. they'd rather see me wasting my time at that waste of space rehabilitation "facility" rather than actually work on getting more WORK EXPERIENCE so that i'm not completely fucked when this country cuts off the social security entirely for some stupid reason to everyone who is too vulnerable to get someone to ACTUALLY LISTEN to them so they're SCREWED!.. OH WAIT STACY!! THAT WOULD BE ME! it's ok though- nobody obviously cares about my well being! that's why this shit continues and i'm STILL in the SAME state! MY PATHETIC EXCUSE OF "SUPPORT" = EMPTY EXCUSES OF URGING ME SAYING "YOU GOT THIS!" without ANY attempts to solve or help me with my problems! my grandma was a fool to believe you'd actually help me get to where i wanna be. SHE NEVER CONSIDERED HOW INCONVENIENT IT WAS FOR YOU FOR ME TO BREATHE AND/OR BE TRULY HAPPY AND SUCCESSFUL! stop trying to solve my problems like the only way she knew how, she promised you'd help me in the ways she was unable to because she was aware of her naivety and how things changed a lot since she was younger. you're just as naive as her if you can't see that. ask yourself this: WOULD YOU WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO JUST THROW AWAY HER CAPABILITIES AND ABILITIES TO BE TRULY SUCCESSFUL AFTER BEING A STUDENT WHO MANAGED TO GRADUATE WITH HONORS, PARTICIPATE IN SPORTS WHEN SHE DIDN'T HAVE A TBI, AND ATTEND COLLEGES JUST TO GO TO SOME SAD EXCUSE OF A REHABILITATION "CENTER" WHICH DEPENDS ON CLIENTS WITH A LACK OF KNOWLEGABLE ADVOCACY WHICH DOESN'T LET HER SHOW HER TRUE PROGRESS AND ABILITY JUST SO THEY CAN CONTINUE HAVING CLIENTS?! YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT IF YOU SAID ANYTHING LIKE "YES". if you truly cared about me- you'd be helping as much as you can to see to it that i get more work experience so when grump grifts the social security money and tells everyone they need to work for their money- no matter the disability, I'LL ALREADY HAVE THE WORK EXPERIENCE TO HELP ME GET HIRED TO GET JOBS WHICH ACTUALLY PAY FOR ME TO SURVIVE. plain out- YOU DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ME. YOUR SMART ASS VOTED FOR THIS!

better than usual.

yesterday was alright.. better than most of my birthdays so far. we didn't make it to rick's cabaret YET because douglas said he stopped by there after work but they weren't letting him in because he had a jersey on and the wrong shoes i think. i'm not sure they would've approved of my wardobe either.. i wasn't dressed badly or anything but douglas said they said he couldn't go in because he had shorts on too. i was wearing a skirt (which i DO see other women going to clubs wearing.. so i'm not really sure) but if they were picky about his shorts- i'm not sure if this would be a double standard. douglas reassured me that i was dressed fine though and we just went to the casino. i don't really enjoy gambling especially when i'm losing and i didn't make much money (if any), i wasn't about to continue feeding a losing machine- i know people are probably like, "just switch machines!" well- i did and they still weren't winners.. so i wasn't gonna continue forking over money. plus- douglas said we could go to rick's another day (possibly this weekend?)- so i saved some money for there. i was just happy to get outta the house for my birthday FOR ONCE. no thanks to the supposed reason why i haven't gotten to move and ACTUALLY live MY life. jealous losers. my SUPPOSED "caring" family.

we'll just have to see..

ok.. i went to sabathani to answer phones for a few hours and i'm pretty sure i gave the other workers there the idea that i'm either lesbian or bi.. haha. i told justin and sherri it was my birthday today, sherri asked me how old i was and she said surprised, "OH!" after i told her i was 40.. i'm not sure i really look it (fredrick DID make sure i had my ID in case they checked it at the strip club.. i'm honestly not sure i look old enough to go to a strip club haha). then she asked me if i had any plans for my birthday and i kinda smirked while i said, "well.. my boyfriend and i are going to a strip club.. rick's cabaret.." then her face turned a little disgusted and she said, "oh!" hahaha so i'm sure everyone in the offices surrounding the main office heard because justin wished me a "happy birthday" a little after. i'm still debating whether to slip pants on instead of this skirt.. i'd probably give off the stud vibe then. heh- unless i just found my leggings and slipped them on but they might look odd with the shirt i have on. i can just imagine the thoughts going through my co-workers heads right now. like i'm the perverted-confused little girl. ah well. it's MY birthday. i could care less what anyone thinks. it's my first time going to a strip club and it seems appropriate on my FORTIETH BIRTHDAY- since i can't celebrate it where i was born. i actually yawned a few times on my way back from sabathani.. i hope i make it through the night. sometimes i get stupid when i'm tired- so that may happen or i'll just be uninterested in everything- which i hope doesn't happen. we'll just have to see.

another birthday

it's my birthday.. doesn't feel like it. i remember my grandma giving me a lecture about how birthdays are only a big thing when you're younger. i told amal she said that when i lived at the apartment before this one and she said, "AW.. THAT'S NOT TRUE!" i'm pretty sure my grandma said that so i wouldn't be so disappointed with people not paying attention to me. i'd be happier if people would assist me in SAFELY moving to where i can be truly happy and constructive with my life (looking like a rehabilitation tool is NOT a constructive life.. especially when i already attended that useless place which is only concerned about keeping their clients there- so they can actually appear "helpful" and wtf else they're trying to do by only letting their clients work on a stationary machine where they push and pull their hands and push and pull some bars on each side with their arms- NOT working on balance or strength to walk- which is the ONLY reason i wasted my time there. every time i had an appointment there, they'd ask me what i wanted to work on and i'd say, "walking." every damn day i attended that waste of time. my grandma actually listened to my complaints and seen what i was talking about and found tram holloway, who hooked me up to his arp machine and actually allowed me and helped me to get my ass outta my wheelchair without bitching about liability or wtf). i'm not sure if they just chose to pick that excuse because they might have somehow found out about how i got money from my car accident (bitch about how you think it was MY fault and how i shouldn't have got into the car or wtf bullshit his smart ass sister is saying but let me remind you- I did NOT force him to drink the beer- i didn't even offer it and i was SOBER during the accident which caused me to get more fucked up because i didn't have beer to paralyze my immune system unlike tim.. I KNOW BECAUSE I LEARNED ABOUT IT DURING MY MOTHERS AGAINST DRUNK DRIVING VICTIM IMPACT PANELS- so you can say wtf you wanna say to excuse his stupidity, flying monkey, me and tim went through this already and i'm AWARE THAT PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES AND NOBODY IS PERFECT- mind your fuckin business, i know this may be hard for your flying monkey ass to understand but your brother is an ADULT who is fully capable of making his OWN decisions, people make mistakes sometimes but it doesn't mean they should be fucked their whole lives and let their little sister make decisions for him/influence his decisions in life). i was thinking about how i'll be asked if i wanna drink tonight- i was also thinking about this time when douglas brought this one girl (i don't remember her name) he called his "home girl" and she was drunk as hell- she was falling all over and speaking crazy, with mixed/slurred speech. douglas didn't really do much to help her (i didn't think so anyway.. although i'm not sure what i expected him to do), he sat her down (i think on my floor next to my ottoman or pillow and let her sleep there), so i'm almost positive if i get drunk- he won't really help me either.. so that doesn't make me wanna drink- especially NOT get drunk. to tell you the truth- i can't remember a time where i've actually been drunk in my life. i've had a few sips of douglas' booze every now and then but never drunk that i remember. that'll probably be the case tonight. hopefully i don't get tired because i don't think concerta was in my anodyne machine this morning.. so i might just have to run on adrenaline- hopefully i don't seizure up. i haven't had one in over 15 years.. so i SHOULD be alright. i still take anti-seizure pills (just not as big of a dose as i used to have). i'm not sure if there's something i can drink for energy. i also am going to sabathani later- so at least i have something to do during the day. i have a skirt on that i bought a few weeks ago, i don't know if i should wear it to the strip club- although, if i slipped on some pants before i went to the strip club- i'm afraid people might assume i'm a butch since i'm wearing pants in a club and i'm female? i don't remember ever going to a club and i don't remember what people typically wear. i hope everything goes okay tonight though.

YOLO!! SI SI!

i spoke to my therapist today. i told her my birthday was tomorrow and she said to me, "OH! do you have any plans?!" then i said, "well. since it's my FORTIETH BIRTHDAY- i wanted to do something big. i HAD planned on going to mexico since i was born there- it just seems appropriate.. but since amy said i couldn't take more than 1 trip a year.. i'm just going to a strip club with doug." then she said, "oh? yeah mexico would be fun.. i thought we determined a calendar year would be in november if you still wanted to go this year.. how do you feel about going to a strip club now instead of mexico?" then i said, "well.. i had REALLY wanted to go to mexico for my birthday but i'll just do the next best thing and go to rick's cabaret.. since i've never been there before.." then she tried to clarify if I was the one who wanted to go to rick's or if it was just douglas (because i'm not really sure why people don't see this as MY idea? do i really seem that uptight?). so then i said, "no.. it was MY idea. i always wanted to check it out since even when i lived in burnsville and nick from the half assed morning show would always talk about it. fredrick asked me why i wanna see naked women dancing around and i said that i just wanted a new experience. i'm completely secure with my sexuality." then my therapist seemed a little more at ease when she said, "oh." and i said, "plus, i don't really think douglas would be up for going to a strip club for men.. he isn't as secure with his sexuality as i am." then she said, "well.. you know- you could always go by yourself." then i said, "yeah but it doesn't seem like as much fun." heh.. i'm not sure if she was nervous that she was talking to an undercover carpet muncher or if she thought i was being pushed into something because i'm usually so uptight or something? you only turn 40 once and no one ever does things surprising for me on my birthday- which i told her that i was pretty sure it's because people don't care about me that much around here. SO, IT'S MY CHOICE! IF I CAN'T RETURN TO SEE WHERE I WAS BORN- I'LL GO CRAZY ELSEWHERE. i'm pretty sure i've done crazier shit- so i wouldn't put this past me and you'll see tomorrow since everyone acts too fucking stupid to help me get to where I TRULY want to live. you idiots will regret this. it just might bite you in your lame uptight asses. that's what you get for trying to control me and ACT like you "care" about me. tell me.. DID YOU CARE THIS MUCH ABOUT ME WHEN YOU WERE ABOUT TO GET KICKED BY MY DAD AND YOU SELFISHLY USED ME AS A SHIELD WHILE NANCHALANTLY HOLDING ME IN FRONT OF YOUR STUPID ASS TO ACT LIKE YOU WERE TRYING TO SHOW HIM WHY HE SHOULD SETTLE DOWN? DID YOU CARE THIS MUCH ABOUT ME WHEN THE EMERGENCY ROOM ATTEMPTED TO CALL YOU WHEN I FELL OUTTA MY WHEELCHAIR AND BANGED MY HEAD ON THE ICE/STREET?! i remember having to even get stitches above my eye. don't try to say you did because JOE was the ONLY one who actually made an effort to check to see if i was alright last time i was having surgery because my mom's selfish ass using my body as a shield.. so i got kicked- which resulted in a perforrated bowel and a blocked bowel. you are quite honestly the best example of what i should AVOID doing and being. thanks for the guidance of what to avoid turning into.. that's the ONLY thanks you'll ever receive from me. "WHAT ABOUT HOW YOUR MOM TOOK CARE OF YOU AFTER THE CAR ACCIDENT YOU WERE IN?!" i know better, FLYING MONKEY. mind your own business. you obviously have no respect and/or care for me. GRANDMA MADE HER TAKE CARE OF HER OWN FUCKING DAUGHTER. there were SEVERAL nights when i heard my mom whining to my grandma how it wasn't fair that she should have to stay home with her OWN DAUGHTER and she actually went out a bunch of times when i was wheelchair dependant without leaving me with someone to help me- until i told my grandma, then she chewed my mom out and came into town a few times and sat with me while my mom selfishly went to the bar to play pool with her little boyfriend carlos. i'm pretty sure i've experienced pretty close to everything dealing with neglect. that is NOTHING to be PROUD of either. the perpetrators should be ASHAMED of themselves. shit's gonna change. i realize i can do things by MYSELF and i'm NOT turning into a bum who smokes cigarettes, drinks pepsi, and talks to her dogs. if i see that happening- I WILL KILL MYSELF AND WRITE "THANKS MOM AND AMANDA" IN BLOOD. that'll probably just make them wet with admiration for themselves though. can't win for losing.

*PREPARING*!!

fredrick just took me to the store, so i could withdraw money from the atm from my debit card for the strip club on tuesday. i'm pretty sure they HAVE to have an atm at rick's cabaret though but now that i think about it- they probably charge out the ass in addition for using the atm there. so i probably made a wise decision in getting some money on my own before going to rick's. i was trying to decide if me not going to mexico made any difference in me deciding to go to rick's.. i'm not sure if it made much of a difference- i've always had a desire to check it out, it just so happens to be my birthday on tuesday and doug said they give you lap dances for free for your birthday (i'm pretty sure i remember him saying that)- ah well. i'm still gonna get a lap dance- free or not. hopefully i take my concerta that night to keep me awake, so i don't just run on adrenaline to keep me awake and going. i'm not sure how long my adrenaline would keep me going.

IT'S A PLAN!

well.. i checked with doug if he's still bringing me to rick's cabaret and he said, "yeah.. we could go to the casino after too, if you want". i'd go to the casino and all- it's just that i'm not sure i'll have much money remaining after i get back from rick's. we'll see. i figure i go big on my 40th birthday, seeing as i was told i couldn't take a trip to mexico for my birthday like I WANTED. so the strippers at rick's just may see a pay day on tuesday. *shrugs shoulders* whatever. i guess i'm cool with either but i'm just saying if i would've got to go to mexico for MY BIRTHDAY i probably wouldn't have a face full of titties in my face for my birthday and a few lap dances. i asked tyler how much you typically should tip strippers and i THINK he said $50.. i told him i didn't wanna look cheap when tipping but i am kinda tight with my money typically.
i was thinking about how my grandma used to tell me i changed.. i don't think i realized how manipulating she was trying to be. she was trying to scare me into just acting the way she wanted, so i'd think i didn't change. then it hit me- PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO CHANGE! i don't remember if i told her that when she told me once that i changed.. i kinda feel like i did. just judging by that manipulation tactic- you should understand how i was basically raised and all the abuse (my dad kicking me because my mom used MY BODY as a shield while he was kicking her) was condoned because my grandma jumped to the conclusion that my mom had a disability since she was illiterate. my mom can read. she reads my blog all the time. so she's just lazy. which to me is worse than being disabled but i'm not sure how stupid people think. i'm pretty sure my mom probably had something to do with amy telling me i couldn't go to mexico. my mom thinks she can go to mexico but she tries to stop me from going there.. which i don't really understand why except for the fact she's incredibly jealous of her own daughter. go act like you care about fat amy. she's your favorite kid anyway. if my kids spoke about this on their blogs.. i would NEVER want to read that shit. another difference between me and my mom. if you people were SMART you'd work on helping me to move out of this state- so i don't have time to think about how she abused me and open the can of worms because i'd be too busy living and making my OWN life to post or think about something as depressing as my mom and the shit she did to me.

Bound to happen.

i have this feeling that douglas might ghost me on my birthday, so he won't even bring me to rick's cabaret. maybe i'm just being paranoid because it's for my FORTIETH birthday and i was excited to have plans for it FOR ONCE since nobody gives a damn about me to make plans for me. that's also one of the reasons why i don't wanna live in this particular state. i'm not gonna go switching my interests/personality just so i can actually do things and have friends.

interviews

i just got done at my last interviews of the day. the first interview went alright, although i'm not sure if they'll count that i thought i was interviewing for front desk when it was actually guest services. they didn't make a big deal about it but i finally got to interview with them after about 40 minutes. so, i kept looking at my watch to make sure i'd have enough time to get to the second interview at a different hotel. i got there on time with probably 15 minutes to spare at least but i came when there wasn't many hotel guests- so the lady interviewing me did it earlier than the interview was while still answering phone calls. i didn't mind- i'm sure that's common during the day (having interruptions and still managing to assist people). the only mistake i made during this interview was forgetting to mention that i'd like to work more when she asked me why i was looking for another job other than the one at sabathani. i forgot to bring a notebook to write down when the employer would be getting back to me (so it shows i'm actually interested in getting the job) but i'm pretty sure one of them said by monday they'd get back to me and it feels like the other said something about thursday but i don't remember which one said what. so i'll just pay attention to my indeed account because i know at least one of them said she'd get back to me on indeed. the good thing is that i don't remember saying anything wrong during either of these interviews- it's just that i forgot to say things that may make me look more appealing to hire.