inappropriate laughter?

i just got back from my interview and i'd say it went well but whenever i think it went well, the people never end up calling me back- so i'm probably not the best to judge because i think so optimistically.. it's better to have your hopes up about things than be a debbie-downer about everything all the time i think. i noticed personally how their front desk workers seemed so pleasant and the lady smiled at me after she told me that she'd get the woman that i was interviewing with. i'm sure if i was employed there, i'd be smiling too since i'd have something to smile about. during the conversation with the lady who was interviewing me, i made a comment about how my grandma used to always tell me to smile and sound happy and i said to my grandma that i wasn't gonna smile fakely because i didn't feel right. then the lady interviewing me said, "yeah. it's good to smile but there isn't always something to smile at." then i said, "yeah and like.. for example, a guy is telling you about how his mom died.. it doesn't seem appropriate to smile at that. haha" then she agreed with me and said, "yeah.. it'd be weird if a guy said his mom died and you just sit there smiling.." and i started cracking up laughing, i just hope she didn't take my laughter diabolically or sinister because i hope i didn't laugh too hard? i don't think so. she didn't seem to make any weird reactions to my laughing or comments at any time. the place seems like a nice environment to work at but i don't wanna get my hopes up, so i'm let down at them if they don't give me the job though. i really hope she plans to go on with the hiring process with me and hires me though because she asked me when i'd be available. gotta keep my head up.

don't act concerned for your selfish reasons.

it annoys me that people seem overly cautious when it comes to me.. i doubt they're like that with any one else. one might say it's nice they care but i think it limits my ability to do a lot of things sometimes. for instance, yesterday fredrick walked me out to the lyft vehicle (because i'm thinking he was afraid it'd be too icy) and the lyft driver assumed i needed help to walk, so he asked fredrick who was helping me when i got to work yesterday because he couldn't help. needless to say- i got MYSELF outta the lyft vehicle and walked my own ass into the community center yesterday- WITHOUT HELP. i hope the lyft driver felt stupid. it's nice that he cares but EVERYONE assumes that shit so i wouldn't have/get to do things. i hate the dicks who just ACT like they're being "helpful" but are really only doing it so i wouldn't have to do something and they don't have to worry about me because they're SELFISH like my family (except joe) for example. if you're gonna do that shit- just mind your business and don't even pay attention to me anymore. i'm sick of your shit. they're not doing this because they're generous- just for attention- so they look "caring" and "supportive" when they're only doing it because it's convenient/beneficial for them.

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?!

i was thinking to myself, wondering WHY EXACTLY dustin and amanda seem to be so damn concerned about me right now. i've gotten this damn far in life SAFELY (well.. I'M ALIVE AND AWARE ENOUGH TO KNOW WHEN PEOPLE- SUCH AS YOURSELVES ARE JUST USING ME) without the help of bigotry and ignorance- so in other words, without THEIR help. wtf is their goal other than to ruin what someone has going for them JUST to appear they actually have a fucking effect on things that DON'T CONCERN THEM? mind your fuckin business. you both think that you're smarter than i am and i'm stupid. nonono.. i HAVE left this fucking state (WISCONSIN DOESN'T COUNT EITHER) and i AM OPEN MINDED.. WHICH MAKES ME MORE INTELLIGENT THAN YOU BOTH. just mind your own fucking business. i was grumbling to myself this evening and i honestly stopped and said to myself, "I'LL JUST LET THEM. THERE'S NOTHING EITHER OF THEM CAN DO TO STOP ME." you guys should worry about yourselves because i KNOW that bigots have more problems than the normal person. i was thinking what they might make up as an excuse for their worries about me.. they might claim they're concerned that i'll have no support when i go to new york.. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DIFFERENCE FROM NOW AND IN NEW YORK OR BOSTON? IT'S NOT LIKE MY FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE.. BUT I'M POSITIVE HE'D STILL MAKE AT LEAST THE SAME EFFORT AS HE DOES NOW WHEN I'M LIVING IN BOSTON OR NEW YORK) GIVES A DAMN ABOUT ME. I'VE BEEN RUSHED TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM (ONCE FOR MY BLOCKED BOWEL AND I FORGET WHY THE OTHER TIME) AND I ATTEMPTED TO CALL AMANDA AND HER MOM (HAVING TO LEAVE VOICEMAILS BOTH TIMES) TO ABSOLUTELY NO REPLY. in fact- i'm pretty sure the last time i was in the emergency room, they gave me some caplyta because of the complaints i told their psychologist about my family keeping me in this state while NOT offering me any care or support- so THERE'S REALLY NO REASON WHY I SHOULD REMAIN IN THIS STATE. great!.. my family is the cause of me requiring anti-depressants! IF THAT ISN'T "CARE".. THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS! no support is better than the bullshit i'm forced to deal with now. at least in boston or new york- i'd be able to get care and support from strangers (which in my experience is honestly A LOT more HELPFUL). then the saying, "MISERY LOVES COMPANY." comes to mind and it all makes sense.. they're miserable and they only want company/someone else who they supposedly "care" about while completely ignoring the best interests and well-being of their relative who they supposedly "care" about. what do you dicks want anyway? i'm never going to a concert with either of you again, you don't pay attention to me other than gossiping about me (consider me a fly on the wall). i made my will and everything is going to jay if something happens to me now.. so i'm not sure what the hell you guys want exactly. you don't care about me unless there's something in it for you. shoo. shoo. i'm done with you dicks.

passaporte!

first fredrick took me to walmart to get my passport picture taken and then fredrick took me to the passport office in st. paul to register for my passport. i hope it'll come before my next birthday because i want to go to mexico for my 40th birthday and like i said before, the pca who went with me to boston said mexico will let me into their country since i'm a dual citizen but there's no guarantees i'll be let back in this country for sure without a passport. it doesn't pay to tell my mom since she magically knows how to read my blog now (when she claimed she couldn't read my whole life and that's why she never worked but she magically knows how to read my blog all of a sudden). good.. now she can read how ashamed i am to have a person like her as my mom. especially since she took it upon herself to use me as a shield while my dad was kicking her. people can try to condone that shit but WERE YOU THERE?! DID YOU WITNESS MY DAD KICKING AND BEATING ON MY MOM WHILE SHE COINCIDENTALLY HAD ME IN HER ARMS AND *TURNED* WHILE SHE HAD ME IN HER ARMS TO GET AWAY FROM HIM?! (AS MY GRANDMA CLAIMED) IF THAT LOAD OF SHIT IS TRUE- I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO GO THROUGH NOT ONE BUT TWO SURGERIES ON MY BOWEL (THE DOCTORS ASKED MY GRANDMA IF I HAD TRAUMA CAUSED TO MY ABDOMEN DURING THE FIRST SURGERY ON MY PERFORRATED BOWEL AND SHE CONVENIENTLY NEGLECTED TO TELL HIM ABOUT GETTING KICKED BY MY DAD ON ACCIDENT WHEN MY MOM AND DAD WAS FIGHTING! :o *ROLLS EYES*). MY MOM HASN'T HAD TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY OF THE SHIT SHE WAS TO BLAME FOR AND AFTER THIS LAST SURGERY- I'VE HAD IT. amy can try to call me and bitch about something mom did to her but until she's had to have TWO surgeries because of my mom's narcissism and selfishness- SHE CAN TELL SOMEONE WHO CARES AND IT AIN'T GONNA BE ME. you've picked the wrong horse to back on this one. as long as my financial workers and my family (amanda and her mom i'm guessing) continue to condone this shit- i WILL be working my ass to get the fuck outta this state. i could go to mexico but i'm guessing that i might wanna get a little more fluent in the language and possibly more familiar with the country? i also told someone (i forget who it was- mighta been the nurse who fills my anodyne machine) that if i can't go to mexico by my 40th birthday- i could always take a trip to puerto rico and the nurse said that was a good alternative because it's somewhat like mexico but still an american territory. i don't think i've been to that region before yet either.. so i'd be interested in that. we'll see how fast things get done though!
in other news.. i feel like a damn old bag of bones. it's getting colder and i can literally feel it in MY BONES. i may be forced to take a tylenol before i head to bed, because i seen on the generic bottle of tylenol i have- arthritis relief. so that may relieve me.

things are becoming clear to me.

..and to CONTINUE my ranting against amanda and her "goals" (pfft.. if you wanna call them that)- question for amanda- how would YOU like to only be supported to depend on social security and go MINDLESSLY to a "rehabilitation institute" (pfft.. if you wanna call them that) because your family doesn't give a damn about you and they just figure they'll appear "caring" because that's what your grandma had you doing (ONLY because she was aware that she was naive and didn't know the resources to help you move SUCCESSFULLY and SAFELY to a place where you can be TRULY happy and show your true capability without people trying to minimize your abilities for their own insecure reasons)? how would YOU like to throw away your entire school accomplishments (sports included) JUST because your family/support doesn't want you to do better than them because it'd make them appear insignificant and inadequate? this is MY life and my grandma put her confidence in you to help me get where I want. NOT WHAT'S MORE CONVENIENT FOR YOU AND MY MOM (who honestly used to claim that she didn't care if i wanted to move to new york because it's MY life.. stop acting concerned for ATTENTION- you weren't concerned all those nights you left me alone at your apartment while you went to the bar to play pool back when i depended solely on a wheelchair to get around). my mom only does things for her own benefit and if it makes her appear victimized. when you grow the fuck up.. maybe i'll answer the phone when and if you even call me. i'm not sure what the hell amanda assumed i was before my accident that i'd be so content and satisfied merely depending on social security. i had several new york colleges put on my list to send my act results to and i actually got a few letters from those colleges asking me if i was still interested in going to them about 15 years ago. so my intelligence (or lackof- according to amanda) obviously must've got the attention of new york's colleges. can you say the same thing? point is.. i KNOW you wouldn't be okay just throwing away ALL your goals because of a mistake you made that almost killed you JUST to satisfy people who only show care for you for ATTENTION and when it's convenient to them. guess this might be where empathy ACTUALLY comes in hand. so you can RECOGNIZE and UNDERSTAND exactly what i'm going through partially because of the lack of care and support from my supposed "support" system. when you asses are gone- i'll be left here with NOTHING because you guys refused to support me to help me hold my head on my shoulders so i wouldn't need the assistance from anyone to live successfully independently. from gathering these thoughts.. i'm convinced my grandma was just trying to make it appear she actually cared about me to everyone BUT ME. thanks amanda. you're obviously on the same boat- which is rowing down the selfish river.

thanks einstein!

to expand on my last post about amanda not helping to get me a job (instead i had to wait for philando's mom to refer me to sabathani), does she expect jobs to look at my resume and see that i went to courage kenny and just assume they can hire me?! i mentioned that i went to courage kenny at a few of my job interviews and the interviewer more or less disregarded it. i need WORK EXPERIENCE.. NOT rehabilitation which really doesn't pay attention to my abilities or potential to do things. HOW WOULD YOU FUCKIN LIKE TO BE FORCED TO GO SOMEWHERE THEY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR LACK OF ADVOCACY- SO THEY TOTALLY IGNORE YOUR CAPABILITIES AND POTENTIAL JUST TO GET A CLIENT WHO ACTUALLY TRIES THEIR HARDEST AND IS PERSISTENT? YOU WOULDN'T. IF YOU CLAIM "WELL I'M NOT HANDICAPPED LIKE YOU." WELL YOU CAN GET STRONGER IN REHABILITATION (IF YOU COULDN'T- WHAT'S THE DAMN POINT OF IT ANYWAY?!) AND THEY'RE ENABLED TO IGNORE MY PROGRESSION BY MY LACK OF ADVOCACY AND YOU DON'T GIVE A FUCK BECAUSE IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM PERSONALLY. i hope this isn't what my grandma wished for me because then she clearly doesn't care for me. great. amanda has me questioning my grandma's motives for me and it makes me wonder if she even cared about me. i don't think she did if this is her intentions for me. thanks. i'll die a truly unhappy person who never got to live up to her potential and goals. i hope you feel good for yourself. you showed me just how uncaring, naive, and selfish you really are.

when is the challenge coming, EINSTEIN?

ok.. i KNOW i've wrote about this multiple times before and i'm still wondering the answer. amanda used to tell me ALL THE TIME that she was gonna have me working so hard, that i wouldn't like her.. if she considers "working hard" wasting my time going on exercise machines that my living room could operate, just so i'd actually feel "constructive"- i'll pass. i was thinking REAL WORK.. like the kind where people didn't underestimate your abilities and coddle you into doing easy ass shit just because everyone thinks it's easier to underestimate you rather than ACTUALLY help you be CONSTRUCTIVE and actually doing something that requires brain cells to help you PROGRESS in life. NOT just stick a person on a fucking machine that MIGHT have been beneficial to me back when i was in a fucking wheelchair (OVER 15 YEARS AGO). i'm not gonna do easy ass shit just to make people feel like they're actually helping me because i'm getting too old for that fucking bullshit. I'M NOT GONNA GET ANY YOUNGER. so amanda- einstein, WHEN ARE YOU ACTUALLY GONNA MAKE ME WORK DOING SOMETHING THAT ACTUALLY REQUIRES BRAIN CELLS? i know damn well that YOU would NEVER want this shit for yourself.. it's called "EMPATHY". learn it. it might get you further in life. i've went through that easy rehabilitation shit.. I AM CAPABLE OF MORE THAN JUST THAT BULLSHIT AND YOU'RE A NAIVE ASS IF YOU'RE JUST GONNA MAKE OPINIONS BASED ON WHAT SOME STUPID EXCUSE OF A "REHAB. FACIITY" SAYS OVER YOUR OWN FUCKING COUSIN. YOU'RE NOT CARING EITHER. you just don't wanna see someone progress to a level higher than you because it'd make you feel inadequate. drop the fucking ego and grow a heart. i've been through this shit of being held back from what i'm truly capable of for twenty three fucking years. i went through behind-the-wheel lessons REGARDLESS OF BRIAN PURPOSELY LYING BECAUSE HE'S A SELFISH ASS. i've failed that fucking driving program that courage center has at least three times because I DON'T HAVE A DAMN ADVOCATE WHO ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT ME. james got his driver's license from them and he CAN'T even fucking walk. where's the "needs more therapy." excuse for him like they ALWAYS commented for me after i took the damn behind-the-wheel test? they're taking advantage of my lack of advocacy and kevin told me emptily, "YOU DON'T EVEN NEED YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE WHEN YOU'RE LIVING IN NEW YORK BECAUSE THEY HAVE GOOD TRANSPORTATION THERE!" so the dicks are using my own fucking goals against me. i'm OUT of here. i can't even progress in life in this state. THERE'S NOTHING HERE FOR ME. WHATEVER'S MORE CONVENIENT TO SOME SAD ASS EXCUSE OF A REHABILITATION INSTITUTE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THEIR VULNERABLE UNADVOCATED CLIENTS! no more. go fuck yourself. AND YOU DICKS PROBABLY ARE DOUBTING THE PTSD DIAGNOSIS THAT WAS GIVEN TO ME BY MY PSYCHOLOGIST. WHERE'S YOUR FUCKING DEGREES OTHER THAN FUCKING ENTITLEMENT?! i can't progress in this environment- SO *OF COURSE* THERE'S GONNA BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME- THANKS TO MY SAD ASS EXCUSE OF SUPPORT AKA MY IGNORANT, ENTITLED ASSES OF FAMILY (except joe of course- who HAS made something of himself without the stupid "support" of this damn state.. the rest of the dicks have never left this state- and wisconsin DOESN'T count).

another interview

i forgot to mention that i scheduled an in-person interview on wednesday at some hotel in st. paul. build-a-bear also contacted me wondering if i could do an in-person interview and the only choices they gave me were for one of the days i'm working or on wednesday. that might frustrate me/overwhelm me doing two interviews on the same day.. so i have just responded to the hotel. i called my job coach and i'm hoping she'll give me a solution to how i should do this.. even though i'm pretty sure the build-a-bear job is like the princess diva store in the mall of america that i interviewed with and i said that crying kids and wild kids irritated me.. needless to say- i didn't get a call back from them. i guess maybe i shouldn't have been honest when doing the interview if i wanted the job? haha. i think i might have mentioned my bad temper to them also but i don't remember exactly. i'm pretty sure that's why i see a psychologist once a week also because we've went through anger management tools in the past. so i don't remember the last time i had an angry outburst ever since i've been seeing them once a week to vent to the psychologist about what goes on with me ever since i moved to this apartment (for at least a year now..). i don't honestly ever see myself harming a kid and i've dealt with A LOT of different kids. i'm not sure why the hell i ever wanted to be a child psychologist when i was 16. probably because i just seen how psychology interested me and i assumed dealing with children would be easier? i don't remember my crazy thinking.

passport and massachusetts housing here i come!

IN OTHER GOOD NEWS- fredrick just came to my place and showed me where my social security card, birth certificate, and ID were.. plus he said he'd take me to the place to get my passport on monday. CAN'T HOLD ME DOWN. i always eventually find a way to get where i want. no matter how sheltered people want me to be in life because they assume it's the safer choice. it's NOT safe for me mentally- it would've caught up with me eventually and i would've done something i regret again. don't push it. i will take every one of you DOWN with me. you should've tried to help me get outta here when you had the opportunity.

i HATE depending on others for things to do things.

of course.. i run into difficulties while trying to get my passport. i could've sworn that i had my social security card but i couldn't find it anywhere- so i assume i gave it to fredrick to keep for me for some reason. i also need my birth certificate.. which i'm PRETTY sure is in my lockbox. it aggrivates me to have to depend on other people to keep my identity documents and half the time- they're not even reachable. my grandma used to have all these documents in her lock box- so when she died, i needed to make sure i kept them in a safe place and i assumed people would just assume that i can't take care of myself if i lost them- so i relied on fredrick to keep them for me. so now i assume if he can't find them for me- i'll be looked at as more of an idiot than they already think i am.

i have to go to my spanish lesson in about 30 minutes. i'm still not sure the language is clicking with me.. i hope it clicks soon. it would just figure to blame my tutor but i'm not sure she knows of ways or how to help me. the guy i had before her brought up an advanced class which was more expensive but i'm sure i'd probably learn the language sooner and amy said that we could pay for that class in the spring time but i'm not sure if she just said that with hopes i'd forget. i honestly don't know and don't see the other students picking up the language or even understanding how they could- they may do other classes but it doesn't really seem like it. maybe it'll just take more time or something.

"support".. interesting.. unempathetic people don't seem to understand what it *REALLY* is.

and to elaborate further on WHAT it means to "support" me EXACTLY. it does NOT mean to just support me to go BACK to what i was doing when my grandma died, seeing as i ONLY did that shit (go to the courage center and other rehab.) because i DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO DO AND PROGRESSING WHILE THE STATE HELPED ME TO GET PHYSICALLY BETTER JUST SEEMED SENSE.. HOWEVER- I'M COMPLETELY AMBULATORY NOW (MOST OF THE THANKS GOES TO TRAM HOLLOWAY AND HIS ARP THERAPY BECAUSE HE WASN'T AFRAID OF GETTING SUED FOR FUCKIN LIABILITY- SO HE URGED ME TO ACTUALLY GET OUT OF MY DAMN WHEELCHAIR- which he even told my grandma he'd have me out of when he got done with me). so therefore- amanda is NOT supportive of me AT ALL. i know empathy is hard for her but HOW THE HELL WOULD SHE LIKE TO BE FORCED TO DOWNGRADE HER POTENTIAL AND ABILITY JUST BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE WHO DON'T REALLY GIVE A DAMN ABOUT HER WANT TO LOOK "SUPPORTIVE"?! SHE WOULDN'T. seeing as she's not smart enough to see that- i've pretty much chosen to ignore her since that's what she does to me (even in "emergencies")- SHE'S GOT THIS! plus- my grandma used to tell me over and over that amanda would get me to new york and i WOULDN'T have to go to the courage center anymore. she said amanda knew the plan to get me to new york.. either my grandma is a liar or amanda is just not doing what she promised her aunt she'd do and is making her own aunt appear as an over-confident, DELUSIONAL LIAR. seeing as i don't have time for LIARS or lazy people.. i'm dropping amanda from EVERYTHING. i contacted amy already about taking her name off my trust and she claimed that amanda wasn't on it at all. so.. next person to drop her name off is my healthcare and i need to tell my case manager since AMANDA never answers the phone during emergencies when they call her. the person who is gonna take her place doesn't really have any objections to it. i spoke to them last time i got rushed to the hospital (later to have surgery on my bowel because it had a blockage), they ACTUALLY CALLED ME! *gasps* amanda nor her mom answered the phone nor called me back when i left voice mails for them telling them why i was calling them. to think- i stayed in this state for this SHIT! my family is full of selfish people.. except joe. THANKS GUYS! YOU SHOWED ME THAT I TRULY WASTED MOST OF MY FUCKING LIFE IN A PLACE WITH PEOPLE WHO ONLY SHOW "CARE" AT THEIR CONVENIENCE AND BENEFIT! i'll think about this the next time i'm trying to think of reasons why i still wanna live. you guys are the best. *rolls eyes* THIS is why i have PTSD. thanks jackasses.