housing

i got an email from the housing company in massachusetts saying another person ahead of me on the waiting list accepted a housing offer but my application will stay on record for 180 days- should they or another housing company (for which i would be on the top of housing list) have another vacancy. i just hope something comes up to make me get housing there sooner. it feels like more housing opportunities are available at this housing company than the housing companies in new york. i regret not doing this sooner since massachusetts is a really nice place to live from what i've personally seen.

mas entrevistas!

i scheduled ANOTHER interview on friday after someone called me personally themselves from the hotel i'm gonna be interviewing at. i was going to schedule one earlier a few days ago but the only options left to schedule the interview was during another interview i have scheduled on thursday. so hopefully i have enough time to go to spanish class that day or i can see if the tutor can schedule it earlier or later than the time i scheduled the interview for on friday. i hope this increases the chances of me getting a job at the hotel.

what could've been.

the thought of how i could be in a totally different scenario, not being bothered by ignorant relatives and stupid clingy moms came to mind while i was laying in bed this morning. i remember my friend telling me that if i moved to new york with him, he'd take care of me and everything i needed- at that time, my grandma was still alive (i'm pretty sure this was after she found out that the doctors found a tumor in her lungs?) and i wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. then my grandma died and i'm STILL stuck in THIS state. it's depressing as fuck to be stuck resembling someone who you've tried your hardest NOT to become. i've even considered changing the spelling of my name so we don't show ANY similarity at all.. then the question of why i don't just change my name altogether so it's NOTHING like hers came to mind. that'd probably involve a lot of work though. i was fucked from the time i came outta her. every time i come close to getting as far away from her- something always happens and i'm back at square one. so needless to say- i hate my damn family (except joe and jay) because they have the mindset of misery loves company. if they can't be truly happy and satisfied then WHY THE HELL SHOULD I HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO?! i haven't done anything with my life! when i stopped and thought about how a cousin of mine and her boyfriend called me a "welfare rat" and the question comparing our situations came to mind. I was involved in a car accident which nearly killed me and gave me a tbi while they don't have any health concerns (being ignorant is NOT a health concern.. oh yeah- my grandma told me her boyfriend had ADD or ADHD or some shit)- i've taken classes at THREE COLLEGES, managed to get out of a wheelchair, worked 4 different jobs, and volunteered. CAN THEY say the SAME thing? my mommy and daddy didn't own some company, so i technically wasn't able to fuck around and call people "welfare rats". you know where that term is gonna land you when you die? have fun in hell, say "hi" to satan for me. so i'm stranded in this unopportunistic state just because my family (except joe and jay) are a bunch of fuckin selfish losers who can't take the time to assist their family members after they nearly die to get where they can be truly happy and constructive. "YOU GOT THIS!" is the sad fucking excuse of "support" that i receive from them. it's like pushing someone in a canoe without a paddle or propellor in a wavy, wild river and screaming at them, "YOU GOT THIS!" expecting them to make it to land and safety. plus i'm sure she has knowledge of how stupid and careless this is.. SHE JUST DOESN'T CARE TO ACTUALLY MAKE IT RIGHT! my sister can try to find all the fuckin similarities as she wants so she can relate to me, so i THINK she's just like me but she hasn't been through HALF the shit i have. her mom actually cares about her- she'd never sacrifice her body if her dad would kick her mother. she also couldn't tie my shoes- she hasn't finished past the 8th grade i think.. i may be giving her too much credit though. so NO- you CAN'T relate to me and you DON'T know exactly how i feel- SO DON'T TRY THAT BULLSHIT WITH ME.. just because we're both damned with the same mothers. *GASP* I HAVE A BROTHER TOO! HE DID GRADUATE! HE ALSO HAS THE SAME FATHER AS I DO- UNLIKE YOU. the difference between you two is that he knows how to mind his fuckin business. we both must get that from our father. stupid cousins can try to downtone everything i've fuckin said but until THEIR mom holds them up to shield THEIR dad from kicking them.. IT DOESN'T MEAN A FUCKIN THING. she's a SHITTY MOM and you're shitty people for condoning this bullshit. *GASP* ANOTHER REASON WHY I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE TO LIVE IN MINNESOTA! it's a nice place and all.. the people just SUCK and there's NOTHING to do.

the joys of not having decent advocacy.

i got a letter saying that i needed to renew my lyft service or i wouldn't have transportation anymore. i use lyft mainly to take me to and from sabathani and for my job interviews. i don't have any other transportation method- seeing as i lost my metro mobility card they sent me and i called metro mobility and they claimed that i needed to send in a new application for metro mobility and they sent me one, i don't remember what i did with it. i would normally put it in my planner but it's not in there either. i know we called them and i think we filled out ANOTHER application for it but i still haven't received anything yet. i need transportation because *GASP* NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT ME TO ADVOCATE FOR ME TO GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE AGAIN! THOSE DICKS CAN USE THE EXCUSE I FAILED MY COGNITIVE TEST BUT I COULD ALWAYS GET A COGNITIVE COACH TO HELP ME PASS IT. just more proof that NO ONE wants to see me succeed or even live my damn life. YOU GOT THIS! *rolls eyes* you are quite possibly the worst "advocate" my grandma could've picked. she must be rolling in her grave right now at the LACK of care you've given me. i'm sure she never thought you'd be this selfish and naive when assisting me. you seriously have no idea how fuckin difficult it is for a VULNERABLE ADULT to even function in this society. it's easier for you to just ignore it and assume you know everything because i'm SICK of courage kenny where they make their money off conning clients without advocacy into attending their ridiculous excuse of a "rehab facility". YOU'VE NEVER PERSONALLY ATTENDED THERE YOURDAMNSELF. YOU'D RATHER LISTEN TO WHAT YOUR KEWLIEZ PHYSICAL THERAPIST IN-LAW SAYS! i'm pretty sure the NORMAL, CARING family member would NORMALLY take into consideration what their aunt's daughter's FIRST HAND EXPERIENCES are over an in-law who works at the place you're depending on to help distract me more, so i'm way too fuckin old to help myself to live in another state with MORE OPPORTUNITIES AND THINGS THAT INTEREST ME SINCE THIS IS MY LIFE. i deal with the consequences of my choices and i don't need people trying to mess my plans up because they want to look "good" to their in-laws. they must not like you for you to even consider forcing your cousin (who is too HEALTHY and ABLE to go there anymore.. people that help me every day have said this to me) to attend that sad ass excuse of a "rehabilitation facility". courage kenny is just trying to profit off my lack of knowledgable advocacy by gaslighting me and saying i never attended that waste of time institute before.. HM- THE CELL PHONE VIDEOS THAT I HAVE ON FACEBOOK MUST BE AI OR SOME SHIT THEN?! fuck rehabilitation. i should go into technology seeing as i can create AI videos of me at some institute which denies i went there! I'M MORE TALENTED THAN I THOUGHT! i also was thinking about how fucking stupid my family is to keep me in this state- I'M OPENING THE CAN OF WORMS EXPOSING THE SHITTY-NEGLECTFUL PARENTING OF MY MOTHER. I KNOW THAT NO ONE HAD THIS MUCH OF AN IDEA THAT SHE WAS SO FUCKING SELFISH AND SHITTY OF A PARENT TO RISK MY BODY AND HEALTH WHILE GETTING KICKED BY MY DAD. IT ALSO PROVES HOW MUCH MY FAMILY DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT MY WELL-BEING.. JUST AS LONG AS I'M STUCK BY MY SELFISH INCOMPETENT BUM OF A MOM SO SHE'S NOT THEIR PROBLEMS- SHE'S MY PROBLEM! screw you all. if and when it's up to me- THE FIRST PLACE I'M STICKING THE BUM IS IN A NURSING HOME. at least she'll probably get better care than i did from her.

it needs to be said.

i've came to the conclusion that my mom and her flying monkeys read my blog for pure entertainment and amusement. i say that because by now- if she REALLY fucking cared about me.. she'd have apologized a loonngg time ago and at least seen what she could do for me to help me feel better after my last bowel surgery. she's reading my blog to see how long she can get away with this shitty ass parenting before i totally snap on her or disown her completely or she may be figuring she can get away with this shit longer because she's my mommy and she can treat me however the fuck she wants! right.. WRONG. i have ptsd now because of this bullshit. YOU traumatized your own damn daughter and you must think of it as a joke because you STILL haven't apologized or even brought it up to me before in my whole life- i'm assuming it's because you think of me as a disposible person that you can pay attention to whenever it benefits you. seriously- how many other people can say they'd be alright with their mom using THEM as a shield to block their dad from kicking them? YOU WOULDN'T EVEN USE ANY OF YOUR FUCKIN DOGS AS A DAMN SHIELD TO BLOCK SOMEONE FROM KICKING YOU. WHY'S THAT? YOU ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THEM TOO MUCH. don't come to me for ANYTHING again. it shouldn't matter to you seeing as you don't even care enough about me to apologize for something that could've been avoided if you HADN'T DRUG ME INTO THE QUARREL. i wasn't even involved in it. NOT UNTIL MY STUPID ASS MOM HELD ME UP IN FRONT OF HER WHEN MY DAD WAS KICKING HER! yeah seriously- fuck you. it's just not convenient or beneficial for you to apologize to me like it is to pretend you actually care about me, so people won't help me move to somewhere i can be truly safe and constructive while being truly HAPPY because MISERY LOVES COMPANY. i didn't bust my ass off in school (wheelchair and all from 11th grade on) and physical therapy (ARP therapy actually helped the MOST because tram was willing to actually WORK WITH ME OUT OF MY DAMN WHEELCHAIR) so i could bare my own weight and live independently (with like 5 hrs. of pca service a day) JUST SO I COULD LIVE BY A CARELESS, NARCISSISTIC BUM WHO ENJOYS PLAYING VICTIM EVEN WHEN IT MEANS PUTTING HER OWN DAUGHTER'S (I'M PRETTY POSITIVE SHE WOULDN'T EVER PUT MY SISTER IN THIS SITUATION THOUGH) SAFETY AT RISK TO PROTECT HER OWN STUPID ASS. people shouldn't wonder why i do some of the things i do- NOBODY cares about my well-being anyway! THE WOMAN WHO GAVE BIRTH DOESN'T EVEN VALUE MY WELL-BEING! she proved it when she put me in front of her when my dad was kicking her. THE TWO BOWEL SURGERIES I'VE HAD SO FAR PROVE IT ALONG WITH THE MANY DREAMS I'VE HAD FLASHING BACK TO THIS SHITTY ASS PARENTING WHILE HOLDING ME IN FRONT OF MY DAD, CAUSING ME TO GET KICKED. she couldn't even take the iniative to check on me the second bowel surgery! my grandma probably made her act like she actually cared the first bowel surgery when my bowel was perforrated because of all the damage and trauma to it when BEING KICKED WHEN I WAS ONLY GOOD FOR A SHIELD WHILE MY DAD WAS KICKING MY MOM! NO WONDER WHY HE WAS KICKING HER ACTING STUPID LIKE THAT. that's the thing- my mom must piss people off naturally because i admit there have been a lot of times where i've wanted to hit or kick her but i'm able to control my temper. my sister used to hit her and my sister's dad did too. my brother and i are the only people from our little family that haven't hit my mom. she deserves to be hit after putting her own daughter at risk while getting kicked by her dad (BUT DON'T WORRY! I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO FEEL HIS FOOT KICKING MY ABDOMEN!). I'M NOT SORRY FOR SAYING THAT EITHER. AS MUCH AS I DON'T MEAN TO BE THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM, YOU CAN TAKE THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT. since my mom doesn't feel it necessary to be caring towards me- I DON'T FEEL IT NECESSARY TO BE CARING FOR HER EITHER. i'm all i got and YOU AIN'T MAKING IT BETTER. many people who actually help me with everyday tasks agree that i'm past having to go to courage kenny. AFTER ABOUT 6 FUCKIN YEARS OF THAT BULLSHIT DOING THE SAME SHIT OVER AND OVER WITHOUT THE THERAPISTS LETTING YOU PROGRESS BECAUSE NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU ANYWAY! (the NUMEROUS videos of me on facebook at courage kenny PROVE IT if it's not convenient for you to believe me since you don't REALLY care about me either!).. I'M DONE WITH THAT SHIT AMANDA AND MOM. if anything- that shit will cause me to do something stupid eventually if i get forced to waste any more of my time doing it. BUT HEY! MAYBE THAT'S WHY AMANDA AND THE REST OF MY FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE) ARE SO SUPORTIVE OF ME WASTING MORE OF MY TIME THERE! SO THEY LOOK LIKE THEY ACTUALLY CARE WHICH COULDN'T BE FURTHER THAN THE TRUTH!

DON'T act like you "care". save yourself the work.

so i just took my cpap with my ics worker to the health supplies store for them to look at why it doesn't work. he said right away when he took the cpap machine out of the plastic bag it was in, "well.. first of all- you should never transfer it with water in it." the ics worker packed the cpap machine with the water from the night before in it. he asked me what the problem was i experienced with it and i said, "it usually doesn't turn on at all and if it does- it says LEAK DETECTED." then he said that he couldn't tell if it was just because i transferred it filled with water, but he'd try to turn it on when it dried and if he could get it working- he'd give me a call or if it wouldn't turn on- he'd give me a call to get a loner because he was sure my insurance would pay for it. it's kinda annoying to see all the views on this particular blog thread- i'm sure most of them are from my mom pretending to be concerned, so she can tell all my grandma's friends and our family members about what's going on with me so it looks like she actually cares. she really has no fuckin idea why it's so important for me to have a cpap to help me sleep. she just assumes that because my grandma used to have one- IT'S GOTTA BE RIGHT FOR ME TO HAVE ONE ALSO! tell me mom- WERE YOU THIS CONCERNED ABOUT ME WHEN MY DAD WAS ANGRY AND DRUNK AROUND YOU AND YOU HELD ME UP WHILE HE KICKED YOU TO BLOCK HIS KICKS FROM HITTING YOUR STUPID ASS?! NO? yeah that's what i thought. stfu and mind your business. i'm not just like grandma. i'm not just sweeping this selfish neglect under the rug like she did because SHE WASN'T THE ONE TO FEEL THE KICK TO THE ABDOMEN AND SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH SURGERY AFTER SURGERY BECAUSE OF THAT SHITTY ASS PARENTING. SHE DOESN'T EXPERIENCE PTSD FROM THAT SHITTY PARENTING. YOU'RE TOO FUCKING STUPID TO APOLOGIZE TO ME. that requires too much work and intelligence! i'm not exactly sure of the reason why you and amy stalk me to the point where i can't take a shit without you two idiots talking about it. i don't lie and say good things about either of you on my blog. even though i'm pretty sure i read that emotionally immature moms stalk their children. i've chosen to stop lying- so if i would be doing that shit, i'd be lying. i didn't chose to have a selfish, immature, and uncaring mom like YOU. stop making me regret it more every fucking day. i never thought you'd be this much of a damn problem. i'm just gonna unplug both of you eventually and YOU'LL NEVER HEAR FROM ME AGAIN. you guys are too much anxiety for my mental health and i have even stopped talking to one of my best friends for my mental health in the past- YOU TWO ARE NEXT.. BOTH of you. i'm headed to spanish class in about an hour. trying to remember if there's anything more i need to do that i forgot.. hm..

sleep finally?

i may be able to ACTUALLY get some sleep finally.. i feel like i've said that numerous times on here- so that's not saying much. at 1 today, i have an appointment and the ics has to come with me since i actually need to lug my CPAP machine there with me so they can't come up with the excuse "well- if you had the machine here with you- we could see what's wrong with it." so i'll (hopefully) be able to get some sleep finally.

i can only excel to other people's convenience.

i called my job coach and let her know that i have an interview in minneapolis at a hotel on thursday. at first, she seemed supportive but then she said, "where is this job again?" i told her and she said, "okay. i'm gonna check how far away it is. it says it's 25 minutes away.. and every day if you travel back and forth for 25 minutes.. it's gonna cost a lot for lyft.. we'll talk though.." i thought i sent in a new application for metro mobility so i have an alternative transportation choice but that was a while ago.. it irritates me that i gotta work according to the convenience of OTHERS while totally ignoring my own capability. it doesn't matter how much i try to work- just as long as i don't look constructive/valuable as long as i live in this resourceless hole of a state. i'm gonna see if the ics can help me come up with more methods of transportation when they come to have my ics session today in about 30 minutes. that's my life for you though- kept from excelling to my greatest capability for everyone else's convenience so i don't look like a useful citizen. I GOT THIS though! *rolls eyes* right into the fucking grave, incompetent, selfish excuse of an "advocate". i may be truly happy and successful at age 75 but i seriously doubt it. i had a doctor's appointment at gillette where i remember them writing on a piece of paper alternative methods to transportation since i brought up having such a big problem with transportation since they weren't gonna let me drive again. i thought that paper was in my bag but i'm not sure where it went. so i gotta have help finding that. the realization just came to me that i already travel that same amount of time in order to get to sabathani, using lyft. so it shouldn't be THAT much of a difference.. they'll more than likely require me to work more than sabathani does but that's what i want. so i don't have time to think negatively and/or get in trouble, because i'll be distracted with ACTUAL work. the volunteer position i have now is great but after a year- i'd hope to get some kind of promotion and/or more hours.

Asshole Intelligence.

i woke up this morning and i scheduled an in-person job interview next week. i was getting prepared for a phone interview at 10:30 this morning which i'm not sure if i scheduled it with a stupid AI whore-bot because the bitch didn't call me at 10:30.. or even at all this morning. so at least this day hasn't been a total disapointment so far because i did manage to schedule that in-person interview at a hotel in minneapolis. just gotta keep my head up and look at the positive that i actually scheduled another in-person interview.

horses

i hate to tell certain flying monkey neices that they picked the wrong horse to back. regardless if they assume it's right because they assume my grandma would take my mom's side since she babied the fuck outta her. proof that my grandma felt uncomfortable with the fact that she KNOWS what my mom did was wrong by shielding her body from being kicked by my dad is how she just "swept it under the rug".. maybe because she was ASHAMED of my MOM's stupidity and selfishness? *GASP* which is more than likely the reason that you idiots didn't hear about it. THAT GOES FOR JESSIY AND AMANDA. i'll never forgive either of you for trying to make my mom feel like she was a good parent (basically disregarding MY own WELL-BEING). you two assume i'm too stupid to recognize the damage that she's done to me. there's a good chance that i'll be shitting in a colostomy bag because of her selfish ass. she's also never cared about me enough to even consider telling me about the incident dealing with my dad- when he accidentally kicked me. she also knows better than to deny it ever happened to me or even bringing it up to me in the first damn place. i honestly came to knowledge of it after my last bowel surgery- kinda like God was showing me why i was going through what i was going through. she's also more than likely ashamed of herself but i'm not really sure she has the intelligence to identify her own mistakes since she's never found it necessary to apologize or even recognize the shit she put me through. pretty damn sad when the ONLY family member who even checked on me in the hospital was my cousin JOE who videochatted with me. i KNOW the rest of my family was aware i was in the hospital because they said they'd call amanda- then i found out she was up north with her husband by my grandma's sister when i called her to tell her where i was. she didn't even find it necessary to check on me when she got back. I "GOT THIS", RIGHT?! that reminds me of throwing a person in a canoe with waves and expecting them to find their way to the shore WITHOUT a paddle or motor or anything else to propel them and screaming at them from the shore, "YOU GOT THIS!" while expecting them to make it safely to shore all by themselves. so it's not like i wouldn't be able to get support. joe is dependable. the rest of you find it inconvenient to care about me- especially when it's not beneficial for you. it's also proof that i'm adaptable and i can make things work when things are going wrong. if you weren't gonna show me care or support- YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD MY GRANDMA THAT YOU DIDN'T FEEL COMFORTABLE TAKING THE RESPONSIBILITY SHE EXPECTED YOU TO TAKE. family doesn't mean shit these days and my grandma was naive to think it does.

reasons to WORK.

i just met with my new job coach. she was nice, i didn't see any problems with her. we were sitting in my living room talking and she asked me if i went to any job fairs. i said, "it feels like i've been to a few job fairs a long time ago." i'm pretty sure i remember going to one when i was living in minneapolis with a job coach and then i think i went to one when i lived in burnsville but it didn't seem like anyone was really interested in hiring me because i lived in burnsville- which is far from the cities where all the jobs are. luckily.. i managed to move to st. paul where i get a lot more employers interested in hiring me and requesting job interviews. everything that appealed to me when i first moved to burnsville seemed to move away or shut down. you're not punishing me with inactivity just so you can be in a location which is close enough to me that people assume you're a "caring" person just because they know they'd support and care for their family member if the shoe were on the other foot. would they hold their daughter in front of them while their dad was drunk and angry to avoid getting kicked, still risking her safety?! it's NOT a question of IF my mom cares (because she clearly doesn't).. it's a question of what she's willing to risk for my own good. she doesn't care about me if it doesn't benefit her or make her look like a "caring" person.. so she OBVIOUSLY doesn't care about what's good for me to make me as happy and successful as possible if it doesn't benefit her in some way. you'd hope that she would grow up and realize all the things i've been through to get where i am and she doesn't care to see me do better or my best for my own well-being. she still hasn't realized that having a child is NOT like having a pet. it involves more responsiblity and care. care that eliminates any amount of being SELFISH. grow the fuck up. pretty damn sad when your own child is more mature and responsible than a parent. cut the disability bullshit excuse also. in case you haven't realized it- I'M DISABLED TOO. i KNOW that you're acting less capable of doing shit the normal person does. if you couldn't read- how the fuck did you know what i wrote on my blog? cut the shit. you've lost pretty much all respect from me and you can't even cling to me in an attempt to stunt my progression. it's became PERSONAL when you attempt to falsely care and think you have any influence on where i end up in the future- just because you and fat amy don't have a damn future.. DOESN'T mean i'm just gonna throw EVERYTHING i've busted my ass to get. if you assholes REALLY cared about me as much as you try to make it seem- you'd be encouraging and supporting me to get as far as i KNOW i'm capable of living REGARDLESS IF IT MAKES YOU GUYS APPEAR AS FUCKING SELFISH AND IGNORANT AS YOU BOTH ARE. stalk me all the fuck you want- it's NOT gonna drag me back or stop me from going where i AM going. just because you guys ruined your future- does NOT mean i'll just throw away everything i worked my ass off to get. concentrate on your own fat ass and work on getting your GED because i can GUARANTEE you that when AI expands- IT'S GONNA TAKE AWAY ALL THE JOBS WHICH DON'T REQUIRE EDUCATION. it's just a matter of time. THEN YOU'LL BE LIVING UNDER THE BRIDGE AND ASKING PEOPLE FOR MONEY WITH SIGNS ON THE STREETS. i'm not just saying this shit to be funny- IT'LL HAPPEN. hopefully all your damn kids get jobs or they'll be out there on the streets with signs too.