sleep stats..

i didn't know i slept so little.. just looking at these sleep stats from my happysleep ring. i slept 6 hours and 20 minutes last night. the sleep quality was 77% and breathing quality 96%. i thought my breathing quality was worse than that- but i guess not. i honestly thought i get at least 7 hours of sleep a night but not according to these stats. ics is gonna help me check with happysleep on what to do from here on monday. does fatsy wanna copy my sleeping problems too? she's gotta if she wants to be like me. point is- i go through A LOT of shit just to even exist. i don't just depend on fuckin hand-outs and do nothing all day. i would honestly kill myself if my life was that boring and unconstructive. but maybe that's the point of keeping me from doing things and not being more supportive of me to actually be useful and productive. so i have more time to think about all the things i can't physically do anymore and how much of a useless person i am. THANKS AMANDA FOR HELPING ME!! if i would be forced to go back to courage kenny- i'd get myself kicked outta the facility- i can guarantee you that i'd snap because of the therapists there trying to tell me i can't do certain things because of LIABILITY. it's like people don't care enough about me to help me get to where I want, so i can be constructive and truly useful- NOT JUST PEDDLING MY FUCKIN FEET AND PUSHING AND PULLING BARS AT THE SAME TIME (WHILE SITTING, OF COURSE) AND CALLING IT "PROGRESSING". PROGRESSING AT WHAT?! TURNING INTO A USELESS ROCK?! screw you guys who think i should be grateful for the minimum- when i KNOW i'm capable of MORE. i was thinking.. i wonder if courage kenny is pulling this "liability" bullshit outta their asses and refusing to help ACTUALLY help me physically so i'm ABLE to do things the normal healthy person does- like walk because they found out about details from the car accident i was in? that's fine. i'd rather not go to some place that just assists people who have advocacy that can stroke their dicks. everyone else with a lack of caring, knowledgable advocacy is fucked then- they're just shoved on machines that my living room wall could operate. if amanda and/or anyone else thinks i'm just making this shit up- ask them the last time they PERSONALLY attended courage kenny with me when i used to waste my time there. "YOU GOT THIS!" okay then.. let me do what the fuck I want and support and encourage me, otherwise mind your damn business and stop telling people you're actually trying to help me because YOU DIDN'T HELP ME THE LAST TIME I CALLED YOU IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM (i think it was because i stopped breathing while sleeping and my heart was fluttering). or there was the time when i was still wasting my time at the burnsville dump and i fell outta my wheelchair on the icy parking lot and almost busted my head open- i just had to have stitches above my eye and i had a huge bump on my head. YOU WANNA BE LIKE YOUR BIG SIS SO BAD NOW, FATSY?! i've been through shit that i didn't have the option of taking the easy way out with an abortion. OH! MAYBE BECAUSE I KEPT MY LEGS SHUT AND I'VE BEEN ON THE PILL (OR THE DEPO SHOT A LONG TIME AGO) SINCE I CAN REMEMBER.
i'm on the second to last step for the housing company i've applied to (and had to reject a previous housing offer because amy claimed it was so short notice and i had just applied to the housing company (i looked on the account itself after she said that shit and i think it said i had been a member of the housing company for around 7 years?)). i don't enjoy being gaslighted- i don't care how mentally disabled you THINK i am. you work for me. you're supposed to be supportive of my goals for myself, so things work out smoothly in my life without problems (which would probably cost me monetarily in the end). i know what's BEST for MY own life- my grandma told me straight out that i have my head on my shoulders, that's why she didn't have someone be my guardian. if you actually knew how to do your job, you'd know that though, because I am the client.. NOT AMANDA, not any of my other family members. amanda can't even answer the phone for me when i'm in the emergency room- SHE CAN'T EVEN FOLLOW UP ON THE CALL! YOU GOT THIS! i knew who to call that would actually lend care and support- my cousin joe. I know what's best for MY life. i can honestly see why brian used to ask me if i wanted to hire an advocate (before joe came along). my grandma's overconfident, naive ass had all this confidence in amanda to "GET YOU {ME} TO NEW YORK!" *yawn* she didn't consider that amanda is too busy with her own life to be bothered with her vulnerable adult cousin's. she doesn't understand the amount of support a person with a traumatic brain injury who has already lived INDEPENDENTLY in two apartments before this one (with minimum support in an assisted living program). DISABLED PEOPLE ARE NOT ALL THE SAME! *gasp* some require more assistance than the others. you don't see me or anyone else assuming all stylists are the same. i don't just go assuming they ALL know how to do the SAME things. check yourself.

"imitation is the sincerest form of flattery".. except when they're attempting to drag you down to their level and cling to you.

i viewed my stats for my blog this morning, there's always someone that finds the desire to read my blog at about 8 am.. i was trying to determine who that might be- i'm pretty sure it's my sister. she finds the need to stalk me and has told the flying monkey about this blog too i'm sure. i don't know exactly why she reads my blog so much but i think she may be looking for short-cuts in life to get her further.. she assumes it HAD to be easy to get where i am because like everyone and their mom- they underestimate me and think any idiot can do what i do while completely IGNORING the shit i've been through to get where i am today. like she figures just because i can get where i am today- SHE MUST BE ABLE TO ALSO BECAUSE OF DNA OR SOME BULLSHIT. let me remind her.. dna comes from TWO PARENTS and we have the same part of dna which is "disabled" or so she tries to portray anyway. she cannot do what i've done to get as far as i am JUST because of dna (if that theory worked- only my brother could get to where i am.. which he HAS and further with his job in welding). she can attempt to step on me because dna similarities but i hate to tell her that I AM NOT GRANDMA. it doesn't matter how similar of a personality i have to grandma's- i'm not gonna waste my time allowing your fat ass to step on me to get further in life like you did when you PUSHED grandma on her ass at my apartment (later on laughing about it with your monkey ass boyfriend) after she attempted to help you get your GED (but your stupid ass sold the books for drug money with your deadbeat monkey boyfriend). she was forgiving because she ACTUALLY had a heart- guess what? I DON'T. I REALIZE I HAVE WAY TOO MUCH TO LOSE JUST FOR SOME FAT ASS WHO HAS BEEN OBSESSED WITH BEING LIKE HER BIG SISSY SINCE WE WERE YOUNGER (I HUMORED IT BACK THEN BECAUSE WE WERE YOUNG BUT NOW THAT YOU ATTEMPT TO DRAG ME DOWN TO YOUR LEVEL AND CLING TO ME LIKE MOM DOES- YOU REALLY NEED TO GET YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT AND FOCUS ON YOUR GED.. NOT ATTEMPTING TO SEE IF YOU CAN FIND SHORTCUTS BECAUSE IN SCHOOL- I WAS IN THE HONOR ROLL EVERY SEMESTER AND IN SPORTS EVERY SEASON BEFORE I WAS TOO DISABLED TO PARTICIPATE IN THEM BECAUSE I WAS IN A CAR ACCIDENT.. HOWEVER- I STILL MANAGED TO GRADUATE WITH HONORS- YOU GOT WORK TO DO IF YOU WANNA COPY ME SO DAMN BAD). i was thinking while i was doing my hair this morning about how i probably would've been more screwed in the car accident i was in if i hadn't participated in sports before the accident. although- i think my apnea may have caused me to have a bad heart because even when i was lying in bed this morning, my heart was beating irregularly. DO YOU WANT THAT FOR YOURSELF, TUBS?! BE LIKE YOUR BIG SISSY! you can't just copy the easy shit in my life and expect to be like me. i'm sure that's why you read my blog every day, so you can attempt to imitate me. you have to be in sports and get A's and some B's in all your subjects. THERE'S NO SHORTCUTS, TUBS. i'm gonna go do my spanish homework now. grandma had said to me on the phone one night and made the observation how i had a good heart and i was a good person but she didn't know about my sister- she was probably influenced by her boyfriend otherwise she could go further in life. she can blame my sister's stupidity on my sister's boyfriend ALL she wants but amy has her own damn brain. she can decide what she does and doesn't wanna do. grandma could try to excuse your stupidity ALL SHE WANTS- but i KNOW better. so you and beavis need to brainstorm how you're gonna get your diploma and participate in sports, then take college courses and work a few jobs.. THEN YOU MIGHT BE JUST LIKE YOUR BIG SISSY! *CLAPS*

interview verdict

i just got back from the most recent interview i've had, i'd say it went good.. probably one of my best interviews (although, she never told me she actually hired me). she asked me some questions and i'm pretty sure that i DID mention that i stayed in an assisted living program when she asked me what made me want to apply to the place. i'm sure i can empathize with residents about certain issues they may have and probably understand better what to do. the woman understood what i said about how i felt like i could understand some of the issues and/or problems residents had and i could help them with them better. when she told me when she'd get back to me, i dug in my bag and i couldn't find any blank pieces of paper right away, so i asked if she could write down when i could expect to hear back from her, she didn't seem bothered at all by my request and said, "yeah!" then she wrote down on a little pamplet for the program so i'd know who was getting back to me and she wrote down when. i honestly don't remember making any mistakes unless you consider being honest about the first question she asked me about what attracted me to apply to the place. i don't think so because she didn't seem at all bothered by it. all i can do is wait now. she'll probably find more qualified people to work the position knowing my luck though.

I NEED TO WORK FOR MY MENTAL WELL BEING.. *EXACTLY* WHY MY FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE) DOESN'T SUPPORT IT!

i went to sabathani to volunteer again, on the way back home from there, i got an email from someone asking me if i could schedule an interview at their facility tomorrow between like 11-4. i remember applying for this job like last week and it feels like i might've interviewed here before. i'm not 100% sure but i'm debating on whether i should reveal my living situation so i can relate to the facility and show familiarity with the setting/environment.. but then i'm not sure if they would assume i'm less capable of working the job? so i might just play it by ear and if the person interviewing me seems like an understanding and not ignorant person.. i'll probably tell them. i don't think my family (except for joe) understands WHY i wanna get a job over wasting my capability and potential just to be a rehabilitation tool JUST so i can make my family appear proactive and supportive of me (WHICH THEY DEFINITELY ARE NOT.. they can't even answer the fuckin phone when the emergency room calls them- YES, I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE- other than my mom putting on an act and ACTING overly upset and showing fake concern for ATTENTION). i need to get outta the house and be CONSTRUCTIVE, so i can actually feel USEFUL and i won't have time to think about how much most of my family fuckin sucks for not being more supportive and open-minded and because they're all (except joe and jay) a bunch of fake, entitled, close-minded asses. they don't even TRY to help their VULNERABLE ADULT relative who has worked her ass off to get where she could be truly happy because it'd take too much work and care. AMANDA AND MY MOM DON'T CARE ABOUT ME ENOUGH TO HAVE THE DESIRE TO SEE ME TRULY HAPPY AND SATISFIED WITH MY LIFE BECAUSE IT DOESN'T BENEFIT THEIR SELFISH ASSES.

new UNCOMFORTABLE but necessary experiences.

i went to my first mammogram appointment today. it was okay i guess.. nothing i would do by choice. at least it didn't hurt too bad.. it was kinda uncomfortable at times. i'd say it took about an hour- so it wasn't that bad. they asked me if i had a history of breast or ovarian cancer in my family.. i said, "my grandma had cancer in both her breasts." i forgot to tell them about the possible ovarian cancer my mom had. i'm almost positive she had cysts because i'm pretty sure she tried to brag about them when i had some removed. it's just pretty sad to me that you have to relate to your daughter because of the health problems you handed down to her- insinuating that you're just like her because of them. I HAVE PTSD BECAUSE OF YOU, MOM! I'M SURE YOU GET WET OVER THAT! honestly.. just stay out of my life. you can't even take accountability for the surgeries and pain i've endured because of YOU. it's not my fault you can only relate to BAD things in my life which happen to me. EVEN the man who almost killed me took accountability for his actions and apologized profusely and :o HE WASN'T EVEN RELATED TO ME! you're just a bad mom. grow up. bye.
i'm doing my best to keep track of the housing for this new place in massachusetts which has told me they're screening me to see if i'm eligible for housing. i just don't want anything to slip past me- so i lose opportunity at housing AGAIN.

i just won't think about it.

i'm not sure if i should be nervous about the mammogram i'm having tomorrow. i'm just gonna go in with an open-mind and not get worried or nervous because it doesn't help. i'll more than likely get results spotting some sort of cancer soon because of my genetics. whatever. they can act like they care and are "supportive" of me when it's convenient and/or beneficial to them but fuck me for recognizing this abuse. i could give a shit less what they say about me because they clearly don't care about me.. so i don't care about them either (except joe and jay). they also only care when i act like a handicap vulnerable rehab. tool for courage kenny because it makes my family appear "supportive" when i attend that pointless excuse of a distraction because it keeps me from succeeding at MY goals because they don't benefit or appear "caring"! plus- my mom only enjoys getting attention from other people and her "caring" about where i live creates an image to idiots like her which think they're being "loving" or "supportive". you're an idiot like all them other fake morons who want me to attend courage kenny because you can't hide my achievements and what i'm doing for myself and how far i've managed to get in life WITHOUT THE HELP OF MY MOMMY OR AMANDA (WHO MY GRANDMA INSISTED WOULD HELP ME "GET TO NEW YORK!"). i'm convinced that she just doesn't care about me or her own aunt, so she's ignoring what she CLAIMED she'd help me do because i remember when my grandma first died and i spoke to amanda on the phone (when she'd actually talk to me) and she asked me what my plans were, at that time- i told her i wanted to move to new york and she said, "if that's what you wanna do- YOU GOT THIS!". so my naive ass assumed that was her way of telling me she'd actually help me... at least 10 years, close to 11 ago, i'm STILL NOT in new york... i'm still in this damn state. she's not as smart as she thinks she is. she isn't helping me because she doesn't know HOW to. she shouldn't have got my hopes up. if she wasn't up for helping her vulnerable adult of a cousin- she should've been honest. my grandma had a way of getting what she wanted done, so she would've found someone who'd ACTUALLY help me. she proved that when she found tram holloway and he actually got me outta my wheelchair like he said. if you're gonna be so stupid that you think courage kenny helped me get like this OVER listening to the ACTUAL CLIENT herself- you're more stupid than i thought you were and you have less care for me than i thought. YOU GOT THIS!

can't anything *GOOD* get passed down to me?

so genetics may have fucked me AGAIN. i seen in the mirror the other day (i think), on the right side of my eye it's a little spot which is black and blue. i never got hit in the eye. i don't remember what (if anything) my grandma's cataracts looked like but i'm also seeing blotches of a different color in my perifferal vision every now and then. i also get to figure out if it fucked me again this monday after my mammogram. i don't feel any bumps on my boobs but knowing my shitty luck- i have something wrong. who knows though? i take more after my dad physically (skin color, hair color, and physical shape) so i may have nothing to worry about. i had the nurse look at my eye and all she said was, "i don't know- you should show a doctor." i forgot to bring it up to my doctor last week, i feel like maybe i should be having my yearly eye exam- unless i've already had it? can't i get anything GOOD and actually USEFUL when it comes to genetics? doesn't seem like it.
i also looked at my housing account for my massachusetts housing and i'm actually on the 2nd to last FINAL stage in housing. amy (NOT fat, nosey amy) can't come up with any excuses that say it was too fast notice or anything because we already had a meeting about housing in another state and so at least she's aware of my plans. hopefully it goes fast like the last time i got a housing offer from this housing company. God always brings me to better places to live- so i'll just have to keep my faith up. it's not fair because i get the idea that people around here think i'm crazy and i have too much confidence in unrealistic goals just because they're DIFFERENT and INCONVENIENT for them. this is MY life- NOT YOURS. you can't even answer the phone when the emergency room calls you. SOUND FAMILIAR AMANDA? you and dustin can laugh ALL you fuckin want at me. it's not gonna bring me any closer to either of you and for sure- NOT on either of your sad ass levels. worry about yourselves, you sad little twats. laughing at me won't degrade me in any way. ALL THIS FAMILY SUPORT! I WONDER WHY I'M MOVING! *rolls eyes* just because it's all sunshine and rainbows for YOU amanda- does NOT mean it's that way for everyone else- especially with the lack of support and care i get from my mom's mom's side of the family when attempting to live MY OWN life and in general.