i can only excel to other people's convenience.

i called my job coach and let her know that i have an interview in minneapolis at a hotel on thursday. at first, she seemed supportive but then she said, "where is this job again?" i told her and she said, "okay. i'm gonna check how far away it is. it says it's 25 minutes away.. and every day if you travel back and forth for 25 minutes.. it's gonna cost a lot for lyft.. we'll talk though.." i thought i sent in a new application for metro mobility so i have an alternative transportation choice but that was a while ago.. it irritates me that i gotta work according to the convenience of OTHERS while totally ignoring my own capability. it doesn't matter how much i try to work- just as long as i don't look constructive/valuable as long as i live in this resourceless hole of a state. i'm gonna see if the ics can help me come up with more methods of transportation when they come to have my ics session today in about 30 minutes. that's my life for you though- kept from excelling to my greatest capability for everyone else's convenience so i don't look like a useful citizen. I GOT THIS though! *rolls eyes* right into the fucking grave, incompetent, selfish excuse of an "advocate". i may be truly happy and successful at age 75 but i seriously doubt it. i had a doctor's appointment at gillette where i remember them writing on a piece of paper alternative methods to transportation since i brought up having such a big problem with transportation since they weren't gonna let me drive again. i thought that paper was in my bag but i'm not sure where it went. so i gotta have help finding that. the realization just came to me that i already travel that same amount of time in order to get to sabathani, using lyft. so it shouldn't be THAT much of a difference.. they'll more than likely require me to work more than sabathani does but that's what i want. so i don't have time to think negatively and/or get in trouble, because i'll be distracted with ACTUAL work. the volunteer position i have now is great but after a year- i'd hope to get some kind of promotion and/or more hours.

Asshole Intelligence.

i woke up this morning and i scheduled an in-person job interview next week. i was getting prepared for a phone interview at 10:30 this morning which i'm not sure if i scheduled it with a stupid AI whore-bot because the bitch didn't call me at 10:30.. or even at all this morning. so at least this day hasn't been a total disapointment so far because i did manage to schedule that in-person interview at a hotel in minneapolis. just gotta keep my head up and look at the positive that i actually scheduled another in-person interview.

horses

i hate to tell certain flying monkey neices that they picked the wrong horse to back. regardless if they assume it's right because they assume my grandma would take my mom's side since she babied the fuck outta her. proof that my grandma felt uncomfortable with the fact that she KNOWS what my mom did was wrong by shielding her body from being kicked by my dad is how she just "swept it under the rug".. maybe because she was ASHAMED of my MOM's stupidity and selfishness? *GASP* which is more than likely the reason that you idiots didn't hear about it. THAT GOES FOR JESSIY AND AMANDA. i'll never forgive either of you for trying to make my mom feel like she was a good parent (basically disregarding MY own WELL-BEING). you two assume i'm too stupid to recognize the damage that she's done to me. there's a good chance that i'll be shitting in a colostomy bag because of her selfish ass. she's also never cared about me enough to even consider telling me about the incident dealing with my dad- when he accidentally kicked me. she also knows better than to deny it ever happened to me or even bringing it up to me in the first damn place. i honestly came to knowledge of it after my last bowel surgery- kinda like God was showing me why i was going through what i was going through. she's also more than likely ashamed of herself but i'm not really sure she has the intelligence to identify her own mistakes since she's never found it necessary to apologize or even recognize the shit she put me through. pretty damn sad when the ONLY family member who even checked on me in the hospital was my cousin JOE who videochatted with me. i KNOW the rest of my family was aware i was in the hospital because they said they'd call amanda- then i found out she was up north with her husband by my grandma's sister when i called her to tell her where i was. she didn't even find it necessary to check on me when she got back. I "GOT THIS", RIGHT?! that reminds me of throwing a person in a canoe with waves and expecting them to find their way to the shore WITHOUT a paddle or motor or anything else to propel them and screaming at them from the shore, "YOU GOT THIS!" while expecting them to make it safely to shore all by themselves. so it's not like i wouldn't be able to get support. joe is dependable. the rest of you find it inconvenient to care about me- especially when it's not beneficial for you. it's also proof that i'm adaptable and i can make things work when things are going wrong. if you weren't gonna show me care or support- YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD MY GRANDMA THAT YOU DIDN'T FEEL COMFORTABLE TAKING THE RESPONSIBILITY SHE EXPECTED YOU TO TAKE. family doesn't mean shit these days and my grandma was naive to think it does.

reasons to WORK.

i just met with my new job coach. she was nice, i didn't see any problems with her. we were sitting in my living room talking and she asked me if i went to any job fairs. i said, "it feels like i've been to a few job fairs a long time ago." i'm pretty sure i remember going to one when i was living in minneapolis with a job coach and then i think i went to one when i lived in burnsville but it didn't seem like anyone was really interested in hiring me because i lived in burnsville- which is far from the cities where all the jobs are. luckily.. i managed to move to st. paul where i get a lot more employers interested in hiring me and requesting job interviews. everything that appealed to me when i first moved to burnsville seemed to move away or shut down. you're not punishing me with inactivity just so you can be in a location which is close enough to me that people assume you're a "caring" person just because they know they'd support and care for their family member if the shoe were on the other foot. would they hold their daughter in front of them while their dad was drunk and angry to avoid getting kicked, still risking her safety?! it's NOT a question of IF my mom cares (because she clearly doesn't).. it's a question of what she's willing to risk for my own good. she doesn't care about me if it doesn't benefit her or make her look like a "caring" person.. so she OBVIOUSLY doesn't care about what's good for me to make me as happy and successful as possible if it doesn't benefit her in some way. you'd hope that she would grow up and realize all the things i've been through to get where i am and she doesn't care to see me do better or my best for my own well-being. she still hasn't realized that having a child is NOT like having a pet. it involves more responsiblity and care. care that eliminates any amount of being SELFISH. grow the fuck up. pretty damn sad when your own child is more mature and responsible than a parent. cut the disability bullshit excuse also. in case you haven't realized it- I'M DISABLED TOO. i KNOW that you're acting less capable of doing shit the normal person does. if you couldn't read- how the fuck did you know what i wrote on my blog? cut the shit. you've lost pretty much all respect from me and you can't even cling to me in an attempt to stunt my progression. it's became PERSONAL when you attempt to falsely care and think you have any influence on where i end up in the future- just because you and fat amy don't have a damn future.. DOESN'T mean i'm just gonna throw EVERYTHING i've busted my ass to get. if you assholes REALLY cared about me as much as you try to make it seem- you'd be encouraging and supporting me to get as far as i KNOW i'm capable of living REGARDLESS IF IT MAKES YOU GUYS APPEAR AS FUCKING SELFISH AND IGNORANT AS YOU BOTH ARE. stalk me all the fuck you want- it's NOT gonna drag me back or stop me from going where i AM going. just because you guys ruined your future- does NOT mean i'll just throw away everything i worked my ass off to get. concentrate on your own fat ass and work on getting your GED because i can GUARANTEE you that when AI expands- IT'S GONNA TAKE AWAY ALL THE JOBS WHICH DON'T REQUIRE EDUCATION. it's just a matter of time. THEN YOU'LL BE LIVING UNDER THE BRIDGE AND ASKING PEOPLE FOR MONEY WITH SIGNS ON THE STREETS. i'm not just saying this shit to be funny- IT'LL HAPPEN. hopefully all your damn kids get jobs or they'll be out there on the streets with signs too.

this just helps me realize exactly what i WON'T get from this state.

i went to sabathani community center to volunteer today and i remembered that i wanted to look over the apartment accomodations that i THOUGHT the doctor signed a paper requesting them but it was a loss of consciousness form saying i was capable of driving. although.. when i read this loss of consciousness form, i get the idea the doctor is just trying to take advantage of my lack of KNOWLEDGABLE advocacy. she put some bullshit diagnosis of "spastic quadriparesis, abormal gait impairment of balance, Hx TBI, Hx of epilepsy".. i didn't go to school and receive my MD.. but i'm pretty sure that's borderline of a quadriplegic.. which is limited to a wheelchair and i don't think they can use their arms that much. my grandma naively put amanda in charge of advocating for me to make sure she would advocate for me that i DIDN'T get my privileges taken away from me.. MEANING DRIVING PRIVILEGES ALSO. they can say whatever the fuck they want though- "long-term prognosis: impaired processing speed, impaired insight, impaired divided attention, selective attention" THANKS AMANDA! YOU'RE A GREAT ADVOCATE! ANYMORE PRIVILEGES OR RIGHTS YOU WANT ME TO LOSE AT YOUR NEGLECT TO DO WHAT YOU WERE DEPENDED TO DO BY YOUR OWN AUNT?! so i've pretty much decided to be content or satisfied with what i have and/or what i have now.. SO I DON'T LOSE ANYTHING ELSE BECAUSE OF MY CARELESS, SELFISH, NEGLECTFUL "ADVOCATES". screw this state. i'm outta here. so all of a sudden "selective attention" is a disability?! a lot of people who supposedly "care" for me are in trouble. i haven't had a damn seizure in over 20 fuckin years. somehow though- i'm fucked for the rest of my life with a history of seizures because NO ONE GIVES A DAMN ABOUT ME TO ADVOCATE FOR ME IN THIS DUMP OF A STATE. THEY DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT! ESPECIALLY NOT IF I DON'T DRAG MYSELF BACK IN MY PROGRESS OF REHABILITATION AND DON'T ATTEND SOME USELESS EXCUSE OF A "REHABILITATION INSTITUTE" TO MAKE EVERYONE ASSUME MY FAMILY ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT ME FOR THE REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE(because they would if the shoe were on the other foot). EVEN my grandma recognized the LACK of progress i was getting from there.. which is why she went out and found tram holloway to hook his ARP machine up to me.. i regained my sense of balance (or it's A LOT better than it was before he started working with me anyway). MY GRANDMA NAIVELY ASSUMED AMANDA WOULD RECOGNIZE THE LACK OF HELP COURAGE KENNY "HELPED" ME WITH. she figured since she was younger than her, she'd actually have other ideas which would ACTUALLY help me.. problem is.. she neglected to realize that amanda DOESN'T give a fuck about ME or HER! so i'm working on getting OUT of this unopportunistic state so they don't take any of my other privileges away. you're a fucking moron if you don't understand why i'm getting OUT of this unopportunistic dump of a state. "i don't understand why you wanna move to new york. you have everything here!" no.. YOU have everything here. i'm not stupid. just because you say it- DOESN'T mean it's true. close-minded twit.
i read most of the book "my family can kiss my ass" while i was at sabathani. it talked about EVERYTHING i experience with my own mom.. even though, her situation was worse because she experienced getting molested by her own step-dad and having relatives who didn't give a fuck about it. she talked about a lot of things i could relate to. i just realized i read just about the whole book when my shift was over.
it more than likely doesn't really matter that i didn't get that accomodations letter yet, seeing as THIS particular apartment i'm currently in isn't accessible either. i have to walk up and down the stairs to get to my apartment every day. good thing they have a rail on the side of the stairs since i DID learn how to go up and down stairs when i used to attend courage kenny (but other than that.. i can't think of anything they helped me with). i do have a cane which is supposed to help me walk up and down the stairs but i don't understand how people expect me to haul a big cane with me (it's the size of a flat walker) just to get up and down stairs.. so it's stayed behind my couch since i got it i think.

ONE STEP CLOSER!

the clinic called me this morning and told me they have the letter of accomodations signed by the doctor and i could come pick it up. so, the ics worker took me to the clinic just now and i picked it up. i don't really think i need too many accomodations but better safe than sorry. i also am pretty sure that i need a roll-in shower or bars by the bath to help me get in and out of it anyway. so one more step closer.. i just need the ics to help me upload these documents on my account tomorrow. i have to quick eat lunch, then i'm headed to sabathani to help out there. i enjoy volunteering because i get to meet new people and interact with them while helping them. it's better than hauling my ass mindlessly to a rehabilitation institute which takes advantage of your lack of advocacy and vulnerability by underestimating you and purposely refusing to help you progress /challenge your abilities so you actually get better because then they'll get money from "assisting" you to sit on useless machines that don't help- they may have helped me 15 years ago.. BUT I'M PAST THAT SHIT. so volunteering actually gives me EXPERIENCE and i enjoy doing what i do. let me remind you idiots- MY ACCIDENT HAPPENED 24 FUCKING YEARS AGO. I'M NOT A VEGETABLE OR A REHABILITATION TOOL THAT MAKES MY FAMILY APPEAR LIKE THEY ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT ME. I DON'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I SPOKE TO AMANDA. BECAUSE I "GOT THIS!" oh yeah? you've obviously never worked with or helped a vulnerable adult- YOU DON'T CARE BECAUSE IT'S NOT PERSONALLY YOUR PROBLEM!.. your day will come. don't get cocky. mine did.

plants

to defend myself against arguments who say my mom raised me- it's my responsibility to do better if i have a problem with the way she raised me. i didn't plan on having a selfish individual raise me. in fact- i'm pretty sure that's why my grandparents stepped in to help her raise my brother and i. they realized she wasn't mature enough to handle the responsibility of being a mother to THREE KIDS- so they let my brother and i live with them for at least probably around 5 years (i'm not sure of the exact time). oh! but the child who DID live with my mom did better than my brother and i! she only got pregnant at 12! *sarcasm* shit.. i'm not even sure i had my first period when i was 12.. i don't think i did. that's my mom's great parenting skills for ya.. she literally let my sister run the streets. i realize it's my responsibility to do better but i'm pretty sure that i DO remember thinking before i boarded the plane to new york how no one cared what happened to me anyway if something bad happened. call me "ungrateful" or wtf you need to try to make yourself look like a good person in front of your in-laws but after going through the shit i went through in life- if you end up anywhere better than i did.. maybe i'll consider thinking you're a good person. ALL people have DIFFERENT circumstances in life. "i know you like to think your shit don't stank.. but lean a little bit closer.. roses really smell like poo oo oo.." i didn't mean to blame only my mom for how i got raised but if you think about it.. parents are the first thing kids become familiar with, so they're influenced by them. i did realize a lot of the shit i grew up hearing was wrong (they were close-minded and ignorant), so i chose to do the opposite. kids are like plants.. watered by people who influence and care about them. my grandparents realized this- that's why they stepped in to assist my mom (who was clearly not capable of responsibly raising THREE lives). trust me.. EVERYTHING i do is pretty much because i know my mom wouldn't do it. it's gotten me this far in life. she's basically a role model of what to avoid doing/becoming. people can try to say that i'm "immature" or whatever they want for blaming my mom but at least i know i can say for sure that she certainly didn't help me become a better person.. IF she did- it was because my grandma blackmailed her into doing it. pretty sad that your own parent has to blackmail you into being a responsible person.

FACTS

not that anyone actually cares- but i'm not sure if people assume i'm stupid and unaware.. which is why they don't apologize for what they've done to me and/or enable the people who have hurt me in the past to get closer to me. NEWSFLASH! I'M NOT AN IDIOT WITHOUT STANDARDS AND BOUNDARIES SO PEOPLE CAN JUST GET AWAY WITH HOLDING ME IN FRONT OF THEM WHILE BEING KICKED, SO THEY DON'T GET KICKED BUT I DO HAVE TO ENDURE SURGERY AFTER SURGERY IN ORDER TO STAY ALIVE. they also face absolutely no consequences for this shit. GUESS WHAT IDIOT? i have feelings too. you can't just assume i think this neglect and careless shit are okay just because you're my mom- so that gives you the right to do whatever the hell you want to me. go fuck yourself. same goes for her flying monkeys who try to convince her that she's a good parent or whatever else bullshit you tell her. no wonder why i fucked my life up, almost killing myself in a car accident with parents like i had to put up with. one is dead and the other refuses to apologize and/or even take accountability for the abuse and neglect i've had to endure because of her. if you honestly think my mom doesn't have anything to do with what happened to me and you're just concerned about my mom- get something better to do besides read my blog because you're obviously not reading it because you actually care about me. you're reading it for your entertainment and/or some other stupid reason i can't think of because i'm not as stupid as you are to waste my time reading what someone i don't even like has to say. besides- there's NO way that you could actually care about me if you can't even take accountability and applogize.

cut the shit.

i've wrote about this question before and i still haven't obviously came up with an answer to it. what EXACTLY makes my mom seem to think she has ANY influence on where i end up in life. she obviously doesn't care about me.. how she held me up in front of my dad to block him from kicking her comes to mind. she also was complaining about having to look after me when i was in a wheelchair and my grandma tried to make her stay home with me on the weekend instead of going out to the bar to play pool. i didn't even come to her house every damn weekend- it was just every other weekend. she couldn't even stay home with me for that time. that's why my grandma eventually came into town to my mom's old apartment inside the apartment my grandma owned (she inherited it from my grandpa's death) before it was basically taken away from her because of eminent domain. she obviously didn't care about me then and the ONLY reason why she took care of me after the car accident i was in was because my grandma blackmailed her into doing it. so save the bullshit jessiy. i'm not as stupid as you think. I am a person too! i have a life too.. i didn't bust my ass in rehab. and school, later on college, and a few jobs JUST to remain my mom's crutch. she's never even came to me for anything in the first place (probably because grandma told me she threatened my mom if she ever stole from me when my grandma was dead- she'd regret it.. seeing as my mom has a history of stealing from her own kids when she stole a bunch of money from my brother). if people don't understand why i have absolutely NO desire to stay around my mom- you're a jackass who doesn't have respect for me. that goes for amanda too. MY GRANDMA DIDN'T ASK YOU TO HELP ME TAKE CARE OF MY EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE MOTHER AND ENABLE HER TO HELP ME GET RID OF MY GOALS. seeing as you have zero respect for me and you obviously don't care about me so you're not even trying to help ME get where I want to live in life because this is MY life.. NOT MY DAMN MOM'S. just because you figure your life will be easier if you don't lend me help to be truly successful the way I want because this is MY life. nobody has to deal with the consequences but ME. if you actually cared about me- you'd have my mental health in mind as well since you try to make it seem like you have my physical health in mind by encouraging me to throw more years of my life away at courage kenny. i wouldn't feel truly happy (my mental health) if i would be stuck just living my life to what other people want for me because they think it'll make them appear "caring" and "loving" to other people by attending some renowned ridiculous excuse of a "rehabilitation facility" (courage kenny) which ignores clients who lack advocacy and caring people in their lives who support them to be TRULY happy. if i would get stuck living here- i can promise you that i'd go out of my way to make my family (except for joe and jay)'s lives living hells. i have the capability. i know what makes EVERY one of you tick.. PLUS! I'D HAVE THE TIME TO DO IT SEEING AS I DON'T HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO MUCH ELSE WHEN I'M IN THIS PARTICULAR STATE! (the furthest i've managed to get is volunteering at a community center which is good to start out and get experience.. but i'd like more hours and to actually get compensated for it because i've found other jobs who are actually interested in hiring me where they will actually compensate me but then i keep in mind how my therapist told me they're a non-profit company.. so really no one that works there gets paid- so why should i? i'm sure every other person who works there has way MORE experience than i do working there.. i enjoy helping people and interacting with them though- so this is a great place to do those things) i'm sure my mom would be too afraid to go there.. so that also increased my interest. which is one of the reasons why i've always got a place in the city (because my mom is afraid of cities). unless.. amanda convinced my mom to talk me into staying in this stupid ass state without opportunities for me. amanda obviously doesn't care about me enough to take my goals and feelings into consideration. so she figures if my mom distracts me from moving and/or acts like she wants me to stay in this state since she's my mom and she HAS to love me (since amanda assumes just because her mom loves and cares for her- mine MUST also! what she failed to acknowledge was how my mom held me up in front of my dad while he was kicking her and she showed me absolutely NO concern if it didn't benefit her in the long run.. proof of that shitty parenting is how i've had to have TWO surgeries on my bowel because of my dad's foot causing it damage because of my mom's selfish ass using ME as a shield while he was kicking her.. ANY CARING MOTHER WOULD'VE TRIED TO PROTECT THEIR CHILD AND REMOVE THEM FROM THE SITUATION IF THEIR DAD WAS DRUNK AND VIOLENT). you ain't getting away with this shit by me. NOBODY HAD TO BE CUT OPEN TWICE BECAUSE THEIR MOM WAS SELFISHLY AFRAID AND USED THEIR BODIES TO BLOCK THEIR DAD FROM KICKING THEM. i've had NUMEROUS dreams reminiscing this shitty ass parenting and i remember my grandma saying that the doctors asked her when i was having surgery on my perforrated bowel if i had been in any accidents or anything that caused me damage to my stomach and she said that she didn't tell them about how i accidentally got kicked by my dad. i'm pretty sure that was the cause of my grandpa chasing my dad to mexico- if i remember right. my mom plays victim well.. or at least she thinks she does- so i'm sure she got my grandpa pissed off at my dad. so along with having to live life without a father.. she caused me to have TWO surgeries (so far).. she just feels like she can only play a "caring mom" whenever it's convenient for her. OH! I FORGOT THE PTSD SHE GAVE ME! I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT SHIT. SHE DOES NOT HAVE ANY INFLUENCE ON WHERE I END UP IN LIFE. if any of you people are still taking her side and assuming i should just give up my goals and EVERYTHING i've busted my ass in life to get- YOU'RE ALSO PART OF THE REASON WHY I'M MOVING. my grandma had confidence in me to live in new york.. even after having a tbi.. she KNEW i was capable of it- so i'd have a TRULY HAPPY life. (the only reason why i changed from new york to boston is because they have a clean city with more housing opportunities) amanda doesn't give a damn about me- she just assumes i'm an idiot that'll go along with whatever she says because she assumes i'm stupid like my mom since my mom used to get help from my grandma when she was alive. GUESS WHAT? WE HAVE DIFFERENT BRAIN INJURIES. she has a nuchal chord injury and she should be an actress because she CAN read (she's asked me about stuff i've only mentioned on my blog), i have a traumatic brain injury because i got it from an accident i was in. i asked google if nuchal chord injuries are more severe than traumatic brain injuries and this is what they said: "It is not accurate to say that a traumatic brain injury (TBI) is inherently more severe than a nuchal cord injury, as the severity of both conditions depends entirely on the degree of the initial insult." i KNOW she CAN read everything i say. being lazy is not a symptom of a traumatic brain injury. regardless if your mother tried to coddle you because she felt guilty about the nuchal chord- assuming it was her fault. i wish i had a mom who cared about me that much.. she (MY GRANDMA) respected my goals and acknowledged the hard work i went through to get where i am. she was just naive and overconfident because she put her confidence in someone who didn't care about her or the person she was supposedly promising to help. just because it's NOT your goals and you're not interested in what i am- does NOT mean that it should just be ignored because i'm stupid because i have a brain injury- so i'll eventually do whatever my kewliez ignorant, entitled cousin does and actually supports so she can look good to her in-laws! i've gave courage kenny a chance a few times since my grandma died and *GASP* ABSOLUTELY NO SUPPORT WHEN I WAS WASTING MY TIME AT COURAGE KENNY! you can't even answer the damn phone when the emergency room calls you.. I COULD BE DEAD. it's not convenient for you to care about me. in fact- the ONLY family member who checked on me in the emergency room was JOE (who actually video chatted with me since he couldn't make it to personally come see me). MY MOM (THE CAUSE OF THIS SURGERY) couldn't even come see me- IN FACT- SHE DIDN'T EVEN CALL ME OR ASK HOW I WAS. i've found a way to manage to get this far and i have ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE TO STOP FOR PEOPLE THAT REALLY DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ME. screw you mom and amy (my sister). you assholes don't really give a shit about me. you just want me to stay here to make you look like you ACTUALLY give a damn about me and so it's easier for you to copy me even though i'll never live in the same place as you in my whole life again. i'll slit my wrists before i live by either of you again. you're both a bunch of careless assholes.

YOU'RE NEXT!

i called the housing company i'm dealing with in massachusetts and left them a message asking them if they received the notarized CORI form and to return my call. after the ics worker left- they called me back and told me they received my CORI form and other paperwork i emailed to them and they would review it later. so hopefully this helps me get outta this state. i get the feeling that my family (except joe) assumes that if they don't support/help me get what i want done so i can get where i TRULY desire to live- that i'll just give up and settle with this resource-less uncontructive state because i'm not smart enough to do anything else. first of all- it pisses me off that they assume i'm stupid. they couldn't tie my shoes. they'd give up after HALF the shit i've been through. it just proves their total LACK of care for me by assuming that shit and underestimating me. they may try to use the defense- OH WE'RE JUST TRYING TO PROTECT YOU FROM BEING POOR AND A TOTAL FAILURE! i've gotten myself THIS far.. i've almost died, been in a damn coma for six months (the doctors DID advise my grandma and mom to pull the plug on the life support because if i ever came outta the coma- i'd be a vegetable), i've sat in a fucking wheelchair (sore ass and ALL) so my family could get sympathy for having a "quadriplegic" granddaughter (my grandma was trying to get as much attention as possible because if i were REALLY "quadriplegic".. i wouldn't be able to use my arms or hands either) for at least 15-close to 20 years.. now that i think about it- i DID own a wheelchair for at least 20 years of my life, i've lived INDEPENDENTLY to get away from this unopportunistic family. the more you assholes refuse to take the iniative to help me get where I want- the MORE it motivates me to find a way to get outta this shit. *GASP* I'M NOT JUST SETTLING FOR "GOOD ENOUGH" LIKE YOU ASSHOLES ASSUME. THIS IS MY LIFE- I DIDN'T GO THROUGH THE SHIT I'VE BEEN THROUGH JUST TO DEPEND ON SOCIAL SECURITY AND HAUL MY ASS MINDLESSLY IN A DAMN WHEELCHAIR TO SOME SORRY EXCUSE OF A "REHABILITATION FACILITY" THAT DEPENDS ON TAKING ADVANTAGE OF VULNERABLE CLIENTS WHO LACK ADVOCACY.. SO PEOPLE CAN ASSUME MY FAMILY ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT ME (BECAUSE THAT'S HOW THEY'D BE IF THE SHOE WERE ON THE OTHER FOOT). let me remind you people- I'VE HAD TO BE CUT OPEN TWICE SO FAR ON ACCOUNT OF MY MOM HOLDING ME UP IN FRONT OF MY DAD WHILE HE WAS KICKING HER, SO HE WOULDN'T KICK HER. oh but DON'T WORRY! MY NARCISSISTIC BUM MOM DIDN'T GET HURT OR FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL!! I WAS THE ONE TO TAKE THE FOOT TO THE ABDOMEN, LATER ON CAUSING TWO OF MY BOWEL SURGERIES SO FAR! i'm on the path to shitting in a colostomy bag because of my selfish ass parents! my dad is dead.. so he's met his consequences. that leaves a certain selfish-careless excuse of a mother! it explains why she's never accomplished anything in her life- besides having children and she can't even protect the first one, so now they've had to have surgery after surgery because of HER! i don't mean to take a page outta cathy's book but if ANYONE needs church.. IT'S MY MOM. the spawn of satan. kinda explains why i do what i do. there's a reason for EVERYTHING i do- i don't just do shit for fun or because it looks kewliez! people need to realize EVERYONE has DIFFERENT paths and goals. if we'd have the same paths and goals- WE'D BE BORING AS HELL. remove your head from your entitled ass and realize this. NOT EVERYONE HAS IT AS EASY AS YOU DO. show support or completely remove yourself from my life because i don't need people attempting to pull me back in my progress in life FOR THEIR CONVENIENCE and/or to make them look like "good people". if you need a disabled relative to make you look like a "good person"- you seriously need to check yourself. go watch barney or something. and get out and get your damn GED instead of stalking your big sister to look for similarities in our lives- the ONLY similarity is that we both have the spawn of satan as a mother. nothing more, nothing less. we don't even share the same father- which is why jay and i look more alike compared to me and you or even you and jay.