SLEEP?!

i forgot to mention that i should ACTUALLY be getting some sleep tommorow or soon anyway because ICS is bringing me into the place where they're repairing cpaps and other medical equipment. i also found the wireless provider that i interviewed with yesterday and asked him when i could find out if i was hired and he told me that he had some more interviews and i should know by next tuesday for sure. i meant to take a notebook with me to the interview to write it down when i asked- but of course, that didn't happen.

didn't say anything wrong that i can think of.

i just got back from my interview with the wireless provider i just interviewed with. at first, i got the impression this would be another dud of an interview because i showed up at the place on time and the guy i was interviewing with stood inside the store, doing other things and he told me to wait because the store hadn't even opened yet. then he finally let me in and he had me wait for his colleague to come to work since he was gonna interview me and he needed someone on the floor working to help customers. his colleague came finally and he had me come with him in a room. he told me about himself and then i told him what made me want to apply to this job. he went over the hours and asked me if i had anything going on that would prevent me from working those hours. i told him that i volunteer at sabathani community center in minneapolis every tuesday and he knew where i was talking about right away and said, "oh! i know where that is! my family and i have went there for food!" so he knows the kind of environment of work i'm familiar with at least. then he asked me what would prevent me from doing a good job. i must've stopped for a while, trying to think of what was appropriate to say because he said, "what? be honest." then i said, "well, at one of my other interviews they asked this same question and i told them. i tend to get angry at things when people say certain things but i see a therapist and they've helped me with solutions on what to do." then the guy said, "like taking time to think about when someone says something to you.. i know. i've went through the same thing. is it for like a temper?" then i said, "yeah. i'm glad someone can relate to me and knows what i'm talking about." then i'm pretty sure he said he had some more interviews and he'd get back to me (although i forget exactly when). i said, "good! i just don't want you to forget about me!" then he said, "oh.. no, i won't forget about you." so i'm not sure if i should take that as a good or bad thing. we'll just have to see.

how much did she *REALLY* help me (if you think about it)?

i got my nails done and while i was getting them done, some mobile telephone company called me to do a phone interview before my in-person interview with them tomorrow. i had to have the interview while actually getting my nails done, so hopefully i didn't say something wrong but they ended the conversation after asking questions, saying they'd see me tomorrow at the in-person interview- so i don't think i said anything wrong. i have a feeling my mom reads my blog in order to see the things she could never do- while secretly wishing she would've actually TRIED to do more with her life at the same time as hoping i'll fail, so someone that came from basically the same place as she did is miserable like her. ANY CARING parent doesn't look at their own children as competition but my mom is narcissistic! she's not ANY parent!.. it's gotta be all about her. i've said this before and i'll say it again- my parents were too immature to be parents and that reflects on my brother and i (seeing as my sister has a different father). my brother was able to drift away from my mom's influence and drifted towards my grandparents- who basically saved him. i wasn't always dependant of my mom- for a while, i also depended on my grandparents for leadership but then i got in an accident and was FORCED to depend on my mom again, since she could physically transfer me.. until i got stronger and basically transferred myself (with a little help from jessiy when i'd go to my grandma's and had to take a bath). my mom has basically served as little-to-NO help to me if you try to even it out with the surgeries and pain she's caused me in my life (bowel surgeries and psychologically).

flying monkeys

i seen on facebook recently, my cousin jessiy basically condoning my mom's abuse/neglect to me with something like "she took care of you and you're bringing this up.." alright. i'm not a parent yet (i don't even know if i have the desire to be one after seeing how shitty parents can be towards their kids PERSONALLY) but i have enough knowledge to know that it IS the parent's responsibility to take care of their kids when they have them and ESPECIALLY if something traumatic happens to them. run along flying monkey, run. as much as you care about your aunt more than your cousin- that doesn't change the facts that it IS a parent's responsibility to make sure their child is healthy and functioning constructively. you can't do what my mom had done for her basically my whole life and condone her shitty immature, selfish parenting. IF that's the side you're going to take- remove yourself from my life. i don't have time for that shit. it isn't gonna get me ANYWHERE and it WON'T get you anywhere either. maybe that's the goal of my supposed "caring" family members though! care just enough for it to be beneficial and convenient for YOU, RIGHT GUYS?! if an outsider doesn't understand why the hell i've never had the desire to live in the same state/area of my family- THEY'RE CRAZY AND NAIVE. my therapist and i discovered that this is the reason why i've never grew an attachment or connection to my mom. jessiy- WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOUR MOM HELD YOU UP IN FRONT OF YOUR DAD WHEN HE WAS KICKING HER TO BLOCK HIM FROM KICKING HER?! i know troy wasn't that fuckin mean to kick your mom.. so i'm just gonna answer for you and say "never". so don't speak on things unless you know what's happening PERSONALLY in a FIRST-HAND EXPERIENCE. you just appear as foolish as the abuser (my mom).. if not MORE. besides- i know the common obsessed reader (my stupid sister) told you about my blog, i'm not sure if you're as much of a loser to read what i do in hopes to become me though like she does. i'm starting to realize why my grandma told me to take my blog down when she was alive. people misinterpret what i say and they tell their kewliez cousin so she can stick up for their abusive, neglectful mommy and the generational trauma cycle continues. whatever. i realize that NOTHING you do or say can affect me if i don't let it.

new places

i called my great aunt today, since i can NEVER get ahold of her daughter to tell her my issues. she has to be one of the only people in this world that ACTUALLY answers the phone when you call her the first time. well- she answered for me anyway. i told her that i wanna take a trip to mexico and see where i was born for my birthday since it IS my FORTIETH BIRTHDAY. then i told her how amy says i can't go because it costs too much. my grandma's sister asked me, "how much does it cost?" then i said, "well.. amy CLAIMED she asked the travel pca that i usually take and she says $40,000. but then my friend and i looked ourselves and it costs $800 or $900 round trip." then she said to me, "your dad's dead though." then i said, "yeah i know but i wanted to see where i was born and it IS my fortieth birthday." then she said, "oh.. yeah. you could see some of the carmona family there too!" and i said, "yeah.. i have a few of them my friends on facebook but most of them can't understand me." although i forgot to tell her that i've shared a few brief conversations with a few of them on facebook- using what i've learned in spanish class to help me understand.
i had ics today and it was after i checked my mail, so i couldn't get started on the second apartment i've got applications to specifically in massachusetts (other than the housing company automatically applying me to a few others). zen said it's located a little further away from boston than the last one but i said it'd probably just help me get my "foot in the door" so to speak as a massachusetts resident. so, zen needs to assist me in filling out this application on monday when we meet. housing in massachusetts seems to be easier and more available compared to new york.. so HOPEFULLY i get an apartment there sooner.
i was just thinking about how my grandma always used to tell me how my dad used to hit my mom and that's why he got chased to mexico by my grandpa. she did say that my dad never hurt me though because he "loved me to death". i was thinking about that and i read something in one of the books i read and online about how kids usually see which parent was the ACTUAL problem in marriages that end up in divorce and separating custody. so needless to say- i grew up with this idea that my dad wasn't a very nice person until life actually happened to me. so i started to question what was told to me, i tried to look at how my dad felt and i could understand him getting so frustrated with my mom because i often get frustrated with her myself. although, i've never actually hit her (unlike my sister when i was younger- like father, like daughter.. seeing as my sister had a DIFFERENT father than my brother and i but he still beat my mom). i'm thinking that my mom probably played victim (as she always does) and my grandpa got pissed off and chased him to mexico when he accidentally kicked me because MY MOM used me as a SHIELD while she was about to get kicked by my dad and she intentionally held ME up in front of my dad to make it seem like he should calm down because i was there and he ended up kicking ME instead of the true idiotic, selfish target. it took me nearly 40 years to realize that and also a few dreams reminiscing the situation. i KNOW that my dad was killed in mexico during a drug trading accident with the cartels. i have a right to see where i was born and my OTHER side of the family though. i also haven't got to really use my passport. even though i DO have DUAL CITIZENSHIP- i just wanna be sure i can actually return to this country after my trip because grump's fat ass would probably try to keep me there by saying i was an illegal alien or wtf even if i DO have a certificate of naturalization.

I GUESS PEOPLE THINK I'M STUPID- SO THEY CAN LIE TO ME.

i went to spanish today and then i came home and warmed up my supper. i called amanda and had to leave her another message (as usual), i told her i tried to ask amy if i could go to mexico and she ended up lying to me about how much the trip was, so i couldn't go because she claimed it was too expensive because my friend and i checked how much ROUND-TRIP TICKETS WERE AND THEY WERE NOT $40,000 AND NOW I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO FOR MY 40TH BIRTHDAY. i hate when people lie to me like i'm some kind of fuckin idiot who will believe everything they say because I'M SO STUPID! see the thoughts she puts in my head?! amanda probably likes that because she's probably hoping amy depresses me so much i end it all- I MADE A WILL. AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED- YOU GET ZILCH, NADA, NOTHING. gonna have to find something else to leave your kids when you die! besides- it's ridiculous that a person should have to call her own family members (especially when they have TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURIES) and basically beg them for support in VOICEMAILS which are NEVER returned. MY GRANDMA WOULD BE PROUD! talk about love. besides amy just sitting on my money and not investing it properly to make me any money.. she has her receptionist LIE to me and tell me she's not in the office and sends me to her voicemails which she ALSO selectively returns (she DOES return some every now and then though.. unlike amanda). so not only do i have an "advocate" who doesn't support me- I ALSO HAVE A TRUSTEE THAT HATES MY GUTS AND WE'VE GOT INTO YELLING ARGUMENTS ON THE PHONE A FEW TIMES! I'M SO SUPPORTED IN THIS SHITTY ASS STATE- IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY. *ROLLS EYES* i also still am sleeping without a working CPAP- so ANY NIGHT NOW.. I MAY STOP BREATHING AND NEVER WAKE UP! no wonder why i'm so fuckin tired during the day and it feels like the ground is shifting when i walk at times. i did let people know and they usually say, "did you call your case manager about this?" and when i tell them i did and he doesn't answer my voicemails.. AS YOU CAN SEE- PEOPLE LOVE RETURNING MY CALLS!

maybe this will tell you that you should get something better to do?

i met with ics today and i wanted to make sure i had everything that i needed to for the housing company i registered with in massachusetts(so they wouldn't pull the rug out from under me without notice and say, "well you didn't provide us with this information on time!" but zen pretty much reassured me that i had everything in).
it irritates me that my mom for some reason finds it necessary to make it seem like she's concerned or worried about me. tell me.. were you worried about me while you were holding me in front of my dad while he kicked you? or is it just selective concern or wtf to get attention? i have dreams reminiscing when i got kicked by my dad BECAUSE OF YOU. you're definitely NOT in the clear with me for this shitty parenting. it's like God was trying to tell me why i was going through the SECOND surgery i went through (because of YOU) the last time i had the dream. you've NEVER brought it up to me.. probably because you're ashamed at your reaction to him kicking you (which was hold ME in front of you so he'd kick me and NOT your dumbass). SO IF YOU HAVE THAT MUCH RESPECT NOT TO APOLOGIZE TO ME FOR IT- THEN I HAVE THE RESPECT TO REFUSE TALKING TO YOU AT ALL. people are probably saying, "that's a little harsh not to talk to your mom again.." WERE YOU THERE? HAS YOUR MOM HELD YOU IN FRONT OF YOUR DAD WHEN HE WAS KICKING HER BUT KICKED YOU INSTEAD? NO? didn't fuckin think so. did you have to have not one but TWO (so far) surgeries on your abdominal organs because your mom held you in front of your dad while he was kicking her? i'll probably end up having to shit in bags now! THANKS A LOT. don't tell me how i should react to having a negligent bum of a mom who refuses to take accountability FOR ANYTHING. newsflash bitch, i'm NOT grandma. i don't feel accountable for your so-called "disability". since when is being a shitty person a disability? maybe you and your heifer daughter will find something or someone else to amuse themselves with. being related to me does NOT give you a pass to fuck my life up since your lives are so fucking pathetic. don't start with me. maybe this will make you mind your own fucking business for once.. i doubt it- people like you guys don't have anything better to do than attempt to pull others down to your levels. i'm not sure why the hell my mom is convinced that i'm ANYTHING like her? she enjoys crying victim, i DO something about the problem (don't be a bitch- as kevin hart says). like she assumes that just because i happen to have a brain injury, i'll just lay down and cry victim just like HER. vulnerability ISN'T "cool" to me. being helpless isn't COOL either. i'm working on trying to get working again. i don't happen to have parents who owned an apartment and actually CARED about me like she did. i read those reports that social security is gonna be non-existant soon. my grandma used to always say naively to me, "OH! THEY'LL NEVER GET RID OF SOCIAL SECURITY!" this is the same woman who CLAIMED a black man could never be president. obama was TWICE. i voted proudly for him TWICE. i remember driving my electric wheelchair to the convention center with maurice and both of us thought it was so great to vote for him. i still think it was great to vote for the first black president. he has more sense than the joke we have as "president" now. you redumplikkkans will learn that voting for that racist heifer just because he hates the same people you do- was a COMPLETE MISTAKE when you lose your fuckin jobs because they're sent overseas because he's such a fuckin idiot that has his hand in his russian pimp daddy's pants. i have RESPECT and INTEGRITY. you idiots also have never been prevented from taking a trip to where you were born for your 40th birthday because of incompetent, selfish trustees who don't know how to do their fuckin jobs.

MAYBE i *DO* have birthday plans!

douglas came over last night and he had asked me what i was doing for my birthday- i told him that i WANTED to go to mexico but my trustee, amy said it was too expensive. he asked me how much it was, i said, "well- my trustee said she asked the travel pca and she said it was 40 thousand." then douglas' eyes widened and said, "AH.. I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT MUCH!" and i said, "i don't know. it seemed kinda expensive to me too." then he said, "WE'LL LOOK AT HOW MUCH FLIGHTS COST TO MEXICO!" so he took out his cell phone and looked, i think i remember they were around $800-$900. so amy gets her joys in lying to me and ruining my plans. douglas said to me, "man.. you should get a NEW TRUSTEE if she's gonna lie to you about that! she's probably stealing money from you!" then i said, "yeah.. she was probably planning on embezzling or pocketing the difference." if she gets her rocks on ruining my plans/life (she ruined my FORTIETH BIRTHDAY PLANS)- SHE'LL DO ANYTHING. then douglas said, "WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING ON YOUR BIRTHDAY! YOU DON'T EVEN SPEND MONEY OUT OF YOUR TRUST! WE GOTTA GO TO THIS PLACE WITH OLD VIDEO GAMES.. OR A STRIP CLUB OR SOMETHING.." then i said, "LET'S GO TO THE STRIP CLUB!" then he said, "HELL YEAH. THERE'S RICK'S CABARET.. THERE'S SMOKEY'S.. THERE ARE A BUNCH MORE IN MINNEAPOLIS.." then i said, "okay! we can go there then because you only turn forty ONCE!" if amy's not gonna let me spend my money responsibly on a trip to where i was born- I'LL JUST DROP A FEW HUNDREDS ON THE STRIP CLUB FLOOR AND I'LL MORE THAN LIKELY GO CRAZY IN THE STRIP CLUB. THAT'S WHERE SHE TURNED ME TO. THANKS A LOT. i told douglas that amy was the first and only trustee i've had who is a female (i just remembered this older lady before dirk who was my trustee now.. she wasn't my trustee for long though, my grandma liked her because she said that i should get to spend my money however I wanted because it's MY life) and she's (amy) the only one who's gave me troubles, my previous trustee, brian, would've tried to find an alternative right away which was more affordable if he was still my trustee. SHE CAN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE MONEY I SPEND IN THE STRIP CLUB BECAUSE SHE WAS THE ONE WHO SHUT DOWN MY PLANS TO GO TO MEXICO- THAT'S WHAT YOU GET. i have a feeling she'll put a block on my spending now- considering i only had GOOD INTENTIONS FOR MY FORTIETH BIRTHDAY AND SHE DIDN'T OFFER ME ANY CHEAPER ALTERNATIVES- I'M PRETTY SURE I WILL BE GETTING A NEW TRUSTEE. YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF. so TRY IT. SEE WHAT HAPPENS. douglas even put my birthday in his cell phone, so he'd remember to help me make plans for it.

getting closer to the grave.. THAT'S ALL.

douglas asked me yesterday if i had any plans for my birthday and i said, "no. just like EVERY other year." i HAD hoped to go to the place i was born but i can't even do that because amy says it's too expensive. EVEN if it's for my FORTIETH birthday and YOU ONLY TURN 40 ONCE IN YOUR LIFE. i'm pretty sure brian would've tried to find an alternative for me seeing as it IS my fortieth birthday. can't expect good things to happen in my life though.

depending on a machine that DOESN'T work to sleep will be the *END* of me.

i attempted to call the number that my care coodinator emailed me to fix my cpap and i got ahold of someone who asked the ics worker helping me what the sticker on the cpap said and they'd see if they had me in their systems. she told them and they didn't- so the only way i can get it fixed is if i bring it to the address she texted me. i think i got like 4 or 5 hrs. of sleep last night and it just feels like i'm falling when i walk sometimes. "YOU GOT THIS!".. the line used to avoid the responsibility of ACTUALLY helping me. some person from another hotel called me today about some hiring event they have on friday- i THINK i'm gonna attempt to go to it- i'm pretty sure i seem to be a morning person so i wanted to try to go before spanish class at 3. hopefully i can get a job where i can work more soon. it makes me mad because over 20 fucking years after my accident and people still treat me like i'm a handicapped/disabled idiot. i've grown tired of correcting them because usually, what they think i am doesn't make a difference on REALITY but you're an idiot if you don't understand why i'm so pissed off/irritated a lot of the time. you're an unempathetic fool who just needs to mind their damn business and LEAVE ME ALONE because you obviously DON'T have my well-being in mind.. *COUGHS*AMANDA*COUGHS*MOM*COUGHS* go bother the daughter who is TRULY like you (NOT ME obviously).