evolving.

on the radio today, the positive note of the day was charlamagne basically reminding everyone that God didn't put some people on this earth to evolve. i'm positive that my mom is one of those people but she shouldn't attempt to cling to people ACTUALLY TRYING to do something with their lives just because they don't have anything better to do and misery loves company.
on friday during ics we emailed the apartment that i toured in boston to request they resend the application to me, since i messed up on the other one because i did it improperly because i assumed ics would say they were too busy to assist me in filling it out, so i just did it myself and i guess i forgot some things and improperly filled it out. so we checked my email today to see if they replied and they haven't yet. i'm thinking that this application also required a doctor's note specifying my disability and how this housing would assist me but i sent it in before i could get one because i think it'd take time for a doctor to get back to me with a doctor's note and the lady stressed that i needed to get it by last friday (i think), so i turned everything else that i could fill out myself- hoping they'd take it, but of course- they didn't. i was hoping to get this apartment because it's one of the only subsidized apartments in boston that i could find for disabled people in particular. plus- i ACTUALLY got to see the apartment myself and it looked like a decent place.
i have to eat lunch, then go to sabathani to work. it'll help keep my mind off of shit. so working actually assists me in my mental health.. which is MORE than i can say for just attending courage kenny mindlessly and being underestimated and purposely ignoring my progress so they can continue getting mindless clients. it doesn't matter as long as i don't have advocacy to actually help me get things done though! let them take advantage of vulnerable clients! NO ONE LISTENS TO THEM ANYWAY!

correct choice in judgment?

this morning, at about 4 or 5, i heard things falling (crashing) and hitting the wall/floor, in the apartment next to my bedroom. i wasn't able to sleep because of this noise with an additional people yelling at each other (i'm pretty sure the guy was yelling and swearing and some woman was crying), so i decided to call the staff phone and see if they could check it out. well, joe answered the phone and he's the only one who usually even comes over to this apartment himself to address concerns and i called him back because i said i still heard it, he told me that he drove over to this apartment and checked what was going on- he said it wasn't between any of the clients in the living program that i'm in and i'd have to call the police if i wanted it to be taken care of. so, i called the cops and eventually i got up because my phone alarm went off to wake me up (i was already up) to go to my ARP therapy appointment. i got dressed and started to get something for breakfast when the cops called me and wanted to be let in the apartment building. so i walked to the door to let them in, i made sure that i pointed out the CORRECT apartment the noise was coming from because i wasn't sure they got the correct location from the 911 operator because i wasn't sure i specified correctly because i was in bed. i'm not sure how the police dealt with the situation because i went back into my apartment and continued to get ready for the appointment and i made something for breakfast. i don't hear anybody in that particular apartment now, i usually can hear the guy taking a piss when i'm in the bathroom and i don't hear that. then my psychologist came and had our session with me. i feel better being able to vent to someone once a week about what's going on with me since no one else seems to care. i told her about my frustration with douglas getting a job almost immediately after he first told me he had an interview but i still was happy for him that he got the job, she reassured me by telling me that it's probably because that particular job he interviewed for was more necessary and in demand compared to the jobs i interview for and i'm not sure if she said not as many people interviewed for those jobs? i expressed my frustration thinking that one of the reasons why they didn't hire me was because i'm disabled and i need to be doing something constructive to keep my mind from getting depressed while i think about different shit going on with my life. she suggested that i journal, which is basically what i do now but she suggested doing it with a pen and paper so it was more private because i've told her MANY times how my mom and sister seem to stalk me reading EVERYTHING i do on my blog. it's ok. one day you'll get lives of your own so you won't have to worry about what someone who ACTUALLY TRIES to make a living for themselves does! maybe one day when you drop the negativity and realize that *GASP* NO ONE IS GOING TO HELP YOU BUT YOURSELVES! you stop yourselves from TRULY living with your negativity and trying to drag people down with you. you're NOT gonna get yourselves anywhere doing that shit.. plus, using vulnerable children as shields while life kicks your ass isn't gonna happen anymore! and it will NOT be condoned by ME.
it's kinda odd that my neighbors were yelling at each other and fighting with each other, i tried to remember if there was another time they did this and i honestly don't remember. it feels like in the previous apartment that i used to live in on marshall, they also were fighting like this to the point i needed to call the cops a few times. then the brief thought if maybe i was hallucinating because of pills but i don't take any medication at night except for my calcium supplements and i seriously doubt they'd make me hear things. so HOPEFULLY i made the correct judgment by choosing to call the cops.

how do you *THINK* i got *HERE*?!

alright.. i was watching the vikings/packers game and reality hit me (this realization probably came to me before)- IF i had known that studying, being in sports when i was in school, and just attending college wouldn't have got me living where I TRULY want to live (NOT JUST WHAT'S MORE CONVENIENT TO SOME UNACCOMPLISHED BUMS WHO HAVE NEVER CARED OR PAID ATTENTION TO ME IF IT WASN'T BENEFICIAL OR CONVENIENT TO THEM). i would've done drugs and smoke cigarettes and other drugs, along with drinking a lot. I'M NOT SURE WHAT THE FUCK AMANDA AND/OR MY OTHER CARE TEAM MEMBERS THINK I DID TO GET AS FAR AS I AM NOW. she completely IGNORES the fact that i went to courage kenny for at least 5 years in the past ALONG with arp therapy from tram (who was never just concerned about LIABILITY so he ACTUALLY helped me UNLIKE THAT SAD EXCUSE OF A REHAB FACILITY- COURAGE KENNY). does she just think i woke up one day and was magically ambulatory and able to manage living by MYSELF just so i could appease my mom who hasn't accomplished a THING in her life- other than have children? so i'm automatically permanently disabled just because my mom acts like she can't read or work? THANKS A LOT MOM! people are probably saying, "she shouldn't blame her mom for her stupid decisions which lead her where she is now." no.. but CERTAIN PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPOSEDLY SUPPOSED TO BE SUPPORTING ME ACT NEGLIGENT TO ME AND THAT'S MORE THAN LIKELY ONE OF THE REASONS WHY I'M NOT WHERE I CAN BE TRULY HAPPY AND CONSTRUCTIVE IN LIFE- "OH! HER MOM JUST DEPENDS ON SOCIAL SECURITY AND IT WORKED FOR HER! SO IT'LL WORK FINE FOR STACY! I DON'T SEE WHAT SHE'S COMPLAINING ABOUT- SHE'S BEING PAID NOT TO WORK! WHAT AN IDIOT!" my mom had my GRANDPARENTS as her payees and guardians. they ALWAYS gave her money WHENEVER she asked. i didn't really understand why when i was younger. not until i had to have payees and guardians myself- although i was honored enough to have negligent payees/guardians who just "support" me whenever it's convenient and beneficial to THEM. it doesn't matter if this is MY life. i come from a mom who depends on social security! NONE of my goals matter anymore! just laugh and talk about stacy because she's so crazy and stupid for NOT wanting to live here with people who support her when and if it's convenient for THEM and/or beneficial to THEM with my cousin dustin, right amanda?! STACY IS SO STUPID THAT SHE THINKS SHE CAN ACTUALLY LIVE IN ANOTHER STATE! RIGHT AMANDA?! i think i get on the verge of crying/get teary at least ONCE every day thinking about how i'm more than likely wasting my time and NO ONE cares enough about me to HELP me the way I NEED to be helped in order to accomplish MY goals- NOT JUST WHAT MAKES AMANDA LOOK "CARING" AND/OR "SUPPORTIVE" BECAUSE I'VE NEVER FELT ANY OF THOSE EMOTIONS COMING FROM HER EVER AND I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE LAST TIME MY MOM ACTUALLY SHOWED ANY AMOUNT OF CARE FOR WHAT I WANT FOR MY LIFE. I'M TOO STUPID TO HAVE THOUGHTS FOR MYSELF! JUST WHATEVER'S CONVENIENT FOR AMANDA AND/OR MY MOM SO I MAKE THEM APPEAR "LOVING" AND "CARING" TO EVERYONE ELSE WHEN I BY NO MEANS FEEL ANY OF THOSE THINGS FROM THEM. DOESN'T MATTER THOUGH! I'M NOT ALLOWED TO THINK AND HAVE GOALS OF MY OWN! I'M TOO STUPID, RIGHT AMANDA?! here's something else for you to laugh about with dustin, your mom, your husband, and all those people at the salon you work at that you tell about me. seriously. i don't know how much more of this shit i'll be able to take. the only thing that motivates me against killing myself is the fact that i KNOW my mom would be crying like she actually fuckin cared about me after i killed myself- so she'd be a victim and receive attention and sympathy from everyone. this is what your "YOU GOT THIS!" methods got me. my grandma really should've got a person with EMPATHY to help me instead of amanda. at least empathetic people have intelligence not to assume shit for their own damn convenience.
then we have those helpful ass ics workers who just act like they can't help me because i got kicked out of the previous apartment in burnsville- completely IGNORING MY SIDE OF THE STORY+erasing ANY effort to effectively do their jobs PROPERLY because i'm too stupid to have my own thoughts (right amanda?)! how'd i get accepted to the apartment that i lived in before this one, einsteins? stop trying to convince me no one will accept me to live at their apartments because of some mistake made caused by the smoking of OTHER PEOPLE in a NON-SMOKING APARTMENT. i'm positive that is NOT how my case manager wanted them to assist me with housing.. but as long as they continue ACTING like they're actually helping.. IT WON'T MATTER WHAT I WANT! I'M STUPID AND I'LL CHANGE MY MIND EVEN THOUGH I'VE HAD THIS FUCKING GOAL OF LIVING THERE SINCE I WAS AT LEAST FIFTEEN! BUT STACY IS STUPID! LOOK WHO HER MOM IS! RIGHT AMANDA?! GOTTA LAUGH ABOUT THIS WITH DUSTIN!

tired.

shit.. i'm so damn tired. my stupid cpap machine has been blowing the air all choppy (it even makes noises) and the tube is straight on it. i thought i told fredrick about it today and yesterday and he said he couldn't figure out what was wrong with it. i just lay in bed, wide awake for hours on end and i'm not able to fall asleep. i tried turning the tv on with the volume low, so the noise would put me to sleep. it wasn't working and i tried getting up to go to the bathroom at least 5 times and i still wasn't able to fall asleep. to top it off- i haven't had any concerta in at least a week and i asked the lady at the pharmacist desk when the concerta was supposed to be coming for me and she acted like she was looking on her computer and said to me in a confused voice, "there's nothing here by that name. maybe we don't carry it?" i've got my concerta from cub pharmacy ever since i can remember- everytime i moved, it'd just switch locations and the nurse never told me that the concerta wasn't going to be there. i don't remember if the nurse said anything about needing to get a new prescription for it from my doctor- but that's the only problem i can think of which would cause this. i need to see if i can find my nurse's number or just try to deal with walking around like the walking dead until my nurse comes to my apartment to fill my anodyne machine next- i think maybe wednesday? maybe sooner.. hopefully. it's so great getting apnea from your grandma and having no one else who is living care about whether you're healthy- which is why i'm basically being forced to remain in this state because amanda thinks that i won't have people who care about me when or if i move to another state to support me- WTF IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THERE AND NOW?! AT LEAST I'D BE LIVING IN A PLACE WITH RESOURCES AND NOT THE DAMN STICKS WHERE YOU GOTTA PULL TEETH IF AND WHEN YOU WANT SUPPORT. i know most people are like, "well that's part of growing up" well- part of growing up is also having resources and access to resources for your well-being when you already have a damn traumatic brain injury. i realized that most, if not ALL my blog posts are complaining about my family. maybe if i actually had supportive and caring sources of "support" i wouldn't be complaining all the time. YOU THINK? if i was in an environment where i didn't get stalked by jealous, negative, negligent people.. i'd actually be too happy to have anything to complain about..?! a person who enjoys making themselves appear victimized could never understand that, along with supposed "caring" relatives who just condone this because they don't know what else to do and assume everyone is content with this- so why change it?! I'M NOT CONTENT WITH ANY OF THIS SHIT AND I'LL NEVER BE. you're a complete moron if you can't tell how tired i am just from the tone of this blog post. i told the overnight ics worker that my cpap wasn't working the other night and he just said, "i'm with another person right now. can't you have the daytime ics look at it?" and i said, "that won't help me now. forget it." then i hung up. people refuse to even look at my cpap. fredrick looked at it and said he couldn't figure out what was wrong with it. at least he looked at it- EVERYONE ELSE COMES UP WITH EXCUSES.

it just never ends for me.

i wonder WHY my mom seems to take an interest in my life to the point she stalks me. she NEVER cared about me or my safety all those nights she used to leave me at her place while she went to the bar and i was wheelchair dependant. what? is she afraid someone else will make me require surgeries? is SHE the ONLY one allowed to neglect me so i get injured instead of HER? does she think SHE is the ONLY one allowed to put me in danger so i eventually get injured and have to have surgeries later in life? mind your business. or it could be my overweight sister who is anxious to relate to me and have things in common with me (other than dna- if i could, i'd switch that in a second)? i refuse to let either of you bums drag me down to your level and cling to me. zen assisted me in replying to this email that the lady from the apartment in boston sent me this morning. i filled out my application improperly and we had to ask for a new application. zen said to me (he's said this before to me), "when a landlord has rules. you can't just not follow them." MAKING ME to be the villain in this situation when I WAS NOT THE ONE SMOKING CIGARETTES IN A NON-SMOKING APARTMENT. i sent in MULTIPLE complaints to management about the fuckin smoking. THEY DIDN'T DO SHIT ABOUT IT EXCEPT SEND OUT NEWSLETTERS TO ALL THE TENANTS OF THE APARTMENT JUST REMINDING THEM THAT THEY WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO SMOKE IN THE APARTMENT. i thought an ics worker was supposed to defend their clients when something bad happened? not just assume they were in the wrong without hearing their side of the story and the FACTS before taking sides in conflicts. how the fuck would he like to be in an environment that he can't breathe in because of the cigarette smoke when he's gone through at LEAST TWO surgeries on his palate to assist with preventing smoke and dust from getting to his lungs so he's able to breathe better but being forced to put up with living in an environment where he CAN'T breathe? my cousin joe even came to my apartment when i lived in burnsville a few times and he told me how he had to wash his clothes because they WREAKED like SMOKE when he left my apartment. THAT is how bad it was. the stupid caretaker took care of the smoking problems JUST whenever it was CONVENIENT for HIM. my cousin joe had phone numbers to call to help me since they told me i couldn't live there when it was a NON-SMOKING apartment and I got in trouble for MY reactions to the cigarette smoke. i didn't really think it was much of a concern because i was told that it wouldn't be on my renting record because i was not the one breaking the non-smoking rules in a NON-SMOKING APARTMENT. it's almost like zen is trying to take advantage of this situation- so he doesn't have to assist me in moving to an apartment I ACTUALLY want to live in and not just because it's the only place that'll decide to house me. i'm screwed when and if this ics program leaves this apartment because no one else will rent to me because of the shit that happened in burnsville. DOESN'T CONCERN ANYONE THOUGH! they only "care" enough to gawk at what i do/say so they have something to talk about because they don't have anything better to do! i wish i could be as unaccomplished and NOSEY as them! *rolls eyes*

new year~ ATTEMPTING to be as positive as possible.

i applied for some other recommended job by indeed just now. i also just seen the ics worker who helped hang my new calendars around in my apartment and i called the housing company that they helped me fill out and send the application yesterday. i hope i didn't sound like a confused idiot because during the voice mail i left, i wondered if i was saying everything i needed and i hope i was specific enough. the ics worker was here when i left the message and she said she heard me leaving the message and i sounded like i was specific and thorough enough in the message. i guess all i have to do now is wait for them to respond. i always feel like there's something i should be doing when i'm not doing anything during days like this. i hope i'm not forgetting anything. that's the reason why when i'm unemployed- i feel like i'm going crazy half the time. i need something to keep me constructive and busy, so i don't have time to think about how much shit sucks for me. if i don't have a job- there's just extra time for me to be depressed. people who ACTUALLY CARE about me would recognize and do anything and everything within their power to help me. (NOT go mindlessly to some place where they just underestimate my ability, so they can make more money off me because no one pays attention to me anyway, so they can just take advantage of that and not actually help me. THE RIDICULOUS EXCUSES OF "SUPPORT" IN MY LIFE (my mom and amanda) are just condoning this shit because it's NOT THEIR LIVES OR PROBLEMS). whatever. enough negativity. you see what you guys encourage? OR ARE YOU TOO NAIVE TO UNDERSTAND? you're too fucking full of yourselves to even have the desire to understand WHAT i am saying. not my problem! I am NOT the naive one.

i will get out of this damn state. with OR without your useless help.

so i had the ics worker assist me in filling in one of the required packets that i believe this housing agency asked for because i had spoke to a lady that worked there last week and she said she had received my information- i just needed to fill out a packet that they sent me and send it to them. so i sent the packet that the ics assisted me in filling out today to them. i got news for my mom who is obviously too damn naive to understand this.. amanda is putting herself on the same level the more she acts naive in why i want to possibly make MY OWN LIFE which wouldn't include depending on my family for EVERYTHING (like my mom was basically raised and still continues to depend on OTHERS for EVERYTHING)- I am NOT my mom. we have two COMPLETELY DIFFERENT situations. i did NOT begin with a damn traumatic brain injury. it was caused by a car accident which NEARLY killed me. i'm annoyed that i need to refresh the memory of amanda and anyone else possibly reading this.. but then it comes to me- i wouldn't have to remind people of the shit i've been through IF they REALLY cared about me as much as they try to make it seem by being unsupportive of me living MY GOALS- not just what's more convenient to make them appear like they actually care about me. IF you really cared about me- i wouldn't have had to go through half the shit i've had to in my life. i wouldn't have had to have at least two of the surgeries i've had in my life SO FAR. i'm gonna tell you pretentious dicks what i'm gonna do for you- i won't bother calling you OR even answering the phone if you call me (not even when i'm bored and i just wanna be amused by your stupidity). YOU'RE WELCOME. amanda and my mom don't seem to understand or care that THIS IS A DIFFERENT TIME THAN WHEN MY MOM WAS BEING SUPPORTED BY MY GRANDPARENTS. I DON'T have the benefit of being supported by my parents who could house me in their apartment without requiring me to pay for rent ever. unlike my mom. i HAVE to work a damn job in order to survive. I CAN'T JUST DEPEND ON LIVING OFF SOCIAL SECURITY AND GOING TO THE COURAGE CENTER LIKE A MINDLESS DISABLED PAWN. DON'T THINK I DIDN'T TRY TO TELL DIFFERENT PEOPLE WHO INTERVIEWED ME FOR A FEW OF MY JOBS THAT I WENT TO COURAGE KENNY WHILE I WASN'T WORKING. i don't really think it made a difference to them. so by just supporting me to do that shit (LIKE BOTH OF YOU DO), you're basically encouraging me to the grave. are you two going to pay for my funeral too since you're so encouraging of me to throw away all my goals and all my accomplishments so i'm left to depend on no one and the only place left for me will be 6 feet under. THEN IF MY MOM IS STILL ALIVE- SHE CAN RECIEVE ALL THE SYMPATHY SHE CAN POSSIBLY HOPE TO GET! *CLAPS* I UNDERSTAND YOUR MOTIVES NOW. you tire me and don't count on contacting me in the new year and on. go find your miserable company elsewhere. i don't have time for your shit. i'm putting the last number you called me with on block along with asking jay what your number is (since he was gonna give it to me the last time he spoke to me on text message but i don't think he did because i didn't really show interest in it).