another bust?

i have to leave for the interview at the store i have an interview with at the mall of america in about an hour. for some reason- it feels like i've already interviewed with this store (but i find myself thinking the SAME thing when interviewing at hotels), especially since they mentioned that i fill out a questionaire before i have the interview.. it feels like they said this before when i interviewed there before and i didn't check my email before i had the interview- so i had to fill the questionaire out there quick before the interview. i filled the questionaire out on my couch last night before the interview this time though. i think i remember the last time i interviewed with them, they decided not to hire me because i didn't have retail experience. this time- i remember to bring up the fact that i've worked CUSTOMER SERVICE jobs in the past. i'm even thinking about writing a reminder on the notebook i always bring to all my interviews. i probably will, in case i get nervous for some reason or forget for some other reason. i don't understand why an employer would even consider interviewing someone if they know they lack a specific skill it takes to work the job. kinda like the salvation army when i interviewed with them last.. i'm pretty sure they asked me right away if i had any retail experience and when i said i didn't really have any retail experience, they told me the job probably wasn't right for me- since all they seen on my resume was tech. jobs. so that may have opened my eyes to spreading my work experience out for my resume- so more employers would actually consider hiring me.
my eyes have been twitching lately.. i asked the supervisor of this ics program if she had any ideas why. she said i might need more potassium. i eat a banana every day with my breakfast but i remember the hospital making me drink tons of this nasty ass chalky shit the last time i was in the hospital for surgery, saying my potassium levels were low. then she said, "or it might be that you aren't getting enough sleep.." heh, that also makes sense too because i must wake up at least 3 times at night while i'm sleeping- WHEN i actually manage to get to sleep- which usually takes at least two hours of laying in bed with my eyes closed. so lack of sleep would also explain why my eyes twitch so much lately. time to go prepare for my next interview.. which could be a complete bust again. then i'm coming back after the interview and the ics worker said she'd bring me to get the CORI form notarized at the post office (i think that's where she said- or the library? UPDATE: turns out she's bringing me to the BANK this afternoon after my interview to get it notarized). HOPEFULLY i ACTUALLY get this notarized because i'd like to get on with my life. this direction seems to be the only possibility at making a life I can ACTUALLY be proud of (NOT which is just convenient and/or beneficial to some people who didn't help me when it was REALLY important all the time because it wasn't CONVENIENT for them and they weren't FORCED to help/care for me by my grandma through BLACKMAIL i even witnessed while hearing her on the phone with my grandma).

i'm going to get this form notarized.

i called the ics worker this evening and asked them if someone was gonna take me to get my cori form notarized and she told me that she'd take me to the post office tomorrow at 11:30 i think to get it notarized. so i got that covered hopefully.

NADA.. ZILCH.. NOTHING *HERE* FOR MOI IN THIS PARTICULAR STATE!

i think back to the time when amanda said to me on the phone, in a careless tone of voice, "YOU HAVE EVERYTHING HERE IN MINNESOTA! WHY DO YOU WANNA MOVE TO NEW YORK?!" i'm pretty sure that was when i STILL had my driving privileges to drive with a permit in minnesota. i've now gave up my driving privileges because no one cares enough about me to assist me in getting my driving privileges back. so now it's TRUE.. i have NOTHING here in minnesota. OH WELL! RIGHT AMANDA?! I GOT THIS! i got this right into another fucking state which actually has the RESOURCES for people who actually wanna do MORE with their lives besides depend on social security and haul their asses to some overrated excuse of a "rehabilitation facility" who gaslight people into believing they still need therapy- so they can get money from them. if you go there and ask them if i was ever a client there- i guarantee you they'll tell you that i never went there. SO WHERE DID THOSE FACEBOOK VIDEOS/CELL PHONE CLIPS AT COURAGE KENNY COME FROM IF I'VE NEVER BEEN THERE BEFORE?! MUST'VE BEEN AI! IF THAT'S THE STORY- I SHOULD BE LOOKING INTO WORKING TECHNOLOGY JOBS INSTEAD OF MINDLESSLY GETTING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF BY SOME SAD EXCUSE OF A REHABILITATION FACILITY WHO RELIES ON PUTTING CLIENTS ON MACHINES MY LIVING ROOM WALL COULD DO. IN CASE YOU'RE SICK OF HEARING THIS FROM ME- IT TELLS YOU EXACTLY HOW MUCH NO ONE LISTENS TO ME. I KNOW THAT AFTER I KILL MYSELF (IF IT COMES TO THAT)- MY FAMILY WILL JUST CRY VICTIM AND SAY "SHE COULD'VE CAME TO ME.".. WHICH JUST MOTIVATES ME NOT TO DO IT, SO MY FAMILY DOESN'T RECEIVE UNNECESSARY ATTENTION. i'll just continue to TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT ALL OF THEM- SO PEOPLE SEE HOW HORRIBLE OF PEOPLE THEY REALLY ARE. call me "ungrateful" or wtf you want cathy but after YOUR MOM holds YOU in front of your dad while he's kicking her- MAYBE YOUR OPINION WILL ACTUALLY MATTER TO ME. SAME WITH MY SAD EXCUSE OF A "MOM".. ONCE YOU'VE ACTUALLY WORKED TO GET OUTTA YOUR SITUATION IN LIFE- WHAT YOU SAY WILL ACTUALLY FUCKING MATTER TO ME. ANYONE ELSE WANNA PLAY?! i'm kinda irritated after getting told i'd get a job- then them reversing it because after the supervisor asked me if i've ever worked for Iron Mountain before and i told him that i trained with them a long time ago, he cancelled my walk-through of the mailroom clerk job. i'm not really sure of the reason for him cancelling the job for me after i told him i heard of iron mountain and had trained with them before.. i thought that he might be more interested in hiring me because i was familiar with the job.. now i gotta figure out if that particular walk-through is the same job i wrote on my calendar tomorrow.. it probably is- knowing my luck. we'll see. i just looked and was just reminded of the job in the store at the mall of america i'm interviewing at tomorrow. i just gotta remember if they bring up the fact i don't have any retail experience on my resume that i DO have customer service job experience. i'm pretty sure that's one of the only factors that ultimately matters when you're selling things. so the customer wants to return to the store since they have good customer service there.

ADIOS!

it's final. i have NOTHING here in minnesota anymore. i don't even have my driver's permit anymore. HOPE YOU'RE FUCKIN HAPPY AMANDA AND MOM! massachusetts ALL THE WAY NOW. i went to the dmv and they reduced my driving privileges to an ID. they told me in order to get my permit and then license i'd need to take the written test again, along with behind-the-wheel test. I'VE TAKEN THE FUCKIN KNOWLEDGE TEST AT LEAST 8 DAMN TIMES IN MY LIFE. I'M NOT TAKING THAT SHIT AGAIN HERE. THANKS FOR NOTHIN.. NADA.. CERO, MOM AND THE REST OF MY FAMILY. DOESN'T CONCERN ANY OF YOUR SELFISH FUCKIN ASSES- SO YOU IGNORE IT. JUST LIKE I'M IGNORING YOU- EXCEPT JOE AND JAY. the only moderately funny thing that happened to me today was when i was checking to see if my id had my permit information copied over correctly- i looked at "race" and i said, "uh.. i think you made a slight mistake when you copied race.. i'm not FULLY WHITE.. so they may just think i stole this id from a white girl.. you forgot hispanic.." then the lady said, "OH! sorry.. i'll correct it." i KNOW people would've accused me of stealing the ID from a white girl named "stacy" if i tried to use it. "stacy" has to be the whitest girl name i can think of.. or at least one of them, so if the person monitoring id's didn't know me at all- they'd assume i stole it. people won't be happy until EVERYTHING i've worked for is taken away from me- so wtf is another thing? i don't really have the desire to drive in this state anyway. even though i'm sure that's what my family is depending on- me being so disabled that i have to depend on people for everything in my life- and they assume minnesota has nicer people.. so i should be satisfied. they've obviously never gotten to know other people from other states. I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH PEOPLE THAT JUST HELP ME AT THEIR OWN DAMN CONVENIENCE AND BENEFIT. screw you ALL.

id

i'm going to get a new state id in about a half an hour since mine is expired. then the ics worker said i could talk to the guy taking me about getting help to make an appointment to get it notarized (since i need an ID to get it notarized anyway). i'm kinda anxious to get on with my life but i don't want to make any mistakes so i get set back from where i worked my ass off to get. it may not seem like it's a lot of work to you but do you have to deal with the same circumstances i have? right. stfu. the day you managed to basically live independently in st. paul- after starting in minneapolis, then burnsville, then a different apartment in st. paul til finally this apartment i'm in now (with about 4 hrs. of pca assistance).. then what you say matters- oh and ALL WITH a TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY and very little support. while having family members who just care about themselves not supporting you or helping you because they think you're too stupid to do anything yourself (which is exactly the reason why i wanna move- with even my family members assuming i'm too stupid to do things for myself for their damn convenience). you don't know the shit i've had to deal with to even get here. so just because you lack the respect to support me- does NOT mean i can't get myself outta this place and end up just like my mom because SOMETHING IS BETTER THAN NOTHING. it just serves as motivation and when i get to where i want- you can guarantee i'm gonna give you as much support and care that you gave me.

Notarized

the ics worker is gonna take me to get a new ID tomorrow and i could've sworn she was going to take me to the library to get my cori form notarized too. i DID tell the apartment i'm applying to that i was going to get it notarized as well. so hopefully that helps me.

gotta keep busy.

i scheduled another virtual interview on wednesday morning. i already have an in-person interview scheduled at a store that afternoon but since i'm pretty sure this interview i just scheduled is virtual.. it should be just fine. i was thinking exactly about why my mom and my family (except jay and joe) act like they don't care if i work and aren't encouraging and/or helpful to me about working a job. besides the fact that my mom doesn't have any experience in working a job (besides helping my GRANDPA's sister on her farm a long time ago). they also haven't really came across the opportunities to work these kind of jobs that AREN'T for family members and basically work-when-you-want-to jobs. it could be because they're in an area of the state where there aren't really any jobs (i think my grandma had to travel at least 30-40 minutes to get to the job she worked when she was alive). my mom is afraid of the city and diversity in general.. so she'd rather not get out there and work. you know what you become with that kinda attitude? NOTHING. you also make the same amount with that kinda attitude. i have absolutely NO desire to settle with that bullshit. misery loves company and since misery doesn't give a fuck about me (she proved it when she held me up as a shield while my dad was kicking her and has never taken accountability or care for it in her life), she tries to CLING to me.. PERFECT FOR AMANDA! SINCE SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME EITHER- IT ALSO MAKES HER JOB EASIER IF I DO NOTHING LIKE MY MOMMY AND BECOME NOTHING. so either my mental health or my health in general kills me from doing NOTHING and she can act like she cared or i end up dependant on cigarettes and drugs to make me feel better just like my mommy! *claps* great plan!.. if you're a careless, naive IDIOT. it's really a good thing that i'm seeing my therapist later. i remember driving my wheelchair out to the road and thinking about driving out in traffic when i used to live in burnsville when i really didn't see a therapist (or not that often anyway). i think of people my age who i knew (only derrick comes to mind right now.. i'm sure there's more) who ended up killing themselves.. their families more than likely said after he died, "HE COULD'VE CAME TO ME!" if his situation was ANYTHING like my situation- IT'S NOT CONVENIENT OR BENEFICIAL TO YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS TO EVEN TALK TO YOU!.. SO NO HE COULDN'T HAVE. i'm not really sure of his situation though.. i know that i heard from abel that he took too much of this shit (i forget what kind of drug). i'm thinking it was on purpose because when you take enough of that shit- i'm sure it can make you thinking crazy things.. even to take more, so you'll feel better or something. it also probably makes you think that nobody will care if you're gone anyway. i feel like i've taken medications in the past which had side effects of depressive thoughts and i remember telling the nurse i was feeling more depressed than usual.. so she took me off certain pills. the care i receive consists of empty encouragement like "YOU GOT THIS!" without any attempt to help with my problems.. probably because I GOT THIS! *rolls eyes* you've obviously NEVER dealt with someone with a traumatic brain injury before in your life. OH! THAT'S IF SHE ACTUALLY ANSWERS THE PHONE! OF COURSE! i am of no importance or relevance to her. i show her no benefit. WHY AREN'T I SATISFIED WITH HAULING MY ASS BACK AND FORTH IN A DAMN WHEELCHAIR TO AND FROM COURAGE KENNY WHERE THEY DEPEND ON PEOPLE TO BE DISABLED, SO THEY CAN HELP THEM STAY THAT WAY AND HAVE A GOOD ATTITUDE ABOUT DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WHILE MAKING THEM LOOK LIKE THEY ACTUALLY HELP AND MAKE MONEY OFF THEM- SINCE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY GET HELP THERE HAVE ADVOCACY ALONG WITH MONEY?! it makes my super kewliez family actually look like they give a damn about me when they don't do a fuckin thing! (other than joe and jay) that's the thing amanda.. it takes EMPATHY to support and actually care for a person with a brain injury. empathy requires intelligence and care.. so that isn't your thing. i haven't even got my driver's license back after it expired since no one cared enough about me to make sure i have the skills to SAFELY drive. no.. instead- once i got to st. paul and tried to get my driver's license myself- they worked to CANCEL my driving privileges altogether (i've never been in an accident and i was only pulled over once after running a red light back when my ex used to let me drive his car). amanda was SUPPOSEDLY supposed to help me get my driver's license back along with help me move to new york after my grandma died! HAS SHE DONE EITHER? HELL NO. she doesn't care about me that much. it inconveniences her too much because that's ALL i am and ever will be to her- AN INCONVENIENCE. i'm taking this party east where they actually have resources and jobs for me to be truly happy and successful. IF AMANDA WANTS TO SEE SOMEONE GO TO COURAGE KENNY SO BAD- SHE CAN DRAG HER OWN ASS THERE. what's that? she's too able to go there? i know how she feels. although- the difference between us is that people ACTUALLY care about her, so she doesn't have to give up her goals and be a rehabilitation tool. I'VE SPENT AT LEAST 5 YEARS AT THAT DUMP. DO YOU THINK THE VIDEOS OF ME AT COURAGE KENNY ARE AI OR SOME SHIT?! IF YOU HAD A BRAIN- YOU'D ACTUALLY REALIZE WHAT I'M SAYING IS TRUE. i may just end up like derrick if people continue not to fuckin listen to me and actually help me the way I want and need to be helped. that must be your goal- so convince people i'm crazy so you don't have to do the work to actually help and advocate for me JUST LIKE YOUR NAIVE AUNT PROMISED ME EVERY DAMN NIGHT ON THE PHONE WHEN SHE WAS ALIVE. i wouldn't lie about that either- i know my grandma would haunt me if i lied about her.

gradually collecting the forms needed.

i just had some of my ics session (i'm not sure if she or another ics worker is going to come back to my apartment at 12 when it says on the schedule). she filled out some of the application that the apartment in massachusetts sent me.. she wrote down on another piece of paper that i needed to find my new id and social security card. i know i have a valid id (or one that i used to go on the plane anyway), i called fredrick to ask him if he was holding my id because sometimes i have him hold things that i don't wanna lose. he claimed that i had it and it was "in your {my} book". i have a few bags with different papers and things in the box next to my couch but i'm afraid i'll fall over while looking in the box (because i feel like i have before). so i need to wait for fredrick to come here, so he can help me find the id.. i'm pretty sure my social security card was in the same little book as my id. i'd lose my head if it wasn't on my shoulders.

i just wanna sleep well.

tomorrow i have an appointment at gillette, i'm pretty sure it's to get a new cpap because i have on my calendar written "CPAP 2:30" and phalen's address written after. i think i remember someone telling me i get a new cpap then but then i know i've said that a few times before and they never gave me a new cpap and said that they could fix my other one if i had it with me. i also need to get that cori form notarized for that apartment application but i kinda think that the ics worker may have said she could help me with that on tuesday for sure. i didn't see a specific deadline on it to return by, but i figure it'll probably go faster in getting me there if i get it in as soon as possible. i just remember for sure the ics worker saying that once we got it notarized, i could send it electronically as opposed to through the mail like we did for the application, so it'd be faster. i would really like to get to bed at a decent time and have enough rest, so i wanna get the cpap right away. considering i'm getting more results for jobs in boston then this area.. so i'm not sure if that means i have a better shot at jobs there or if there are just more jobs that i'm qualified for in that particular area? i just fear that i move there and the jobs don't wanna hire me or even interview me at all, burnsville was worse than here though- i could barely interest jobs in even interviewing me since i lived so far away from all the jobs. i at least get interest here. so i'm making more steps towards being an actual productive, successful citizen.

money issues.

alright.. so i attempted to use my debit card at the grocery store and it said that i only had $2.65 left when i called the number on the back of the card. i KNOW that i haven't been able to purchase things on dormify or american eagle or victoria's secret. the only place i've been able to purchase things on is amazon. i tried to order something off poshmark and it didn't work either. i'd like to know why in the hell i haven't been able to use MY own money. so either somehow my mom and/or amanda are using my monthly limit on money or someone else is. AND YOU FUCKIN IDIOTS WONDER WHY THE HELL I WANNA GET OUTTA THIS HELLHOLE. when i move- i WILL be switching trustees and probably banks if this shit continues. *GASP* and i CONVENIENTLY can't talk to anyone about this!.. i'm afraid i bug joe but i can't think of anyone who ACTUALLY ANSWERS THE PHONE AND GENUINELY CARES ABOUT ME THAT WILL ANSWER THE PHONE/GIVE ME ADVICE ON WHAT TO DO. the idea that i could tell my therapist about this just came to mind too. i'll probably mention it to ics tomorrow.. i don't know if they'll be able to do much on a weekend. MY ACCOUNT IS NOT EVERYONE'S PLAYPLACE. I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF MY FAMILY SITTING WITH ME IN THE PASSENGER'S SEAT OF THE CAR ACCIDENT I WAS IN. I DON'T REMEMBER THEM BEING IN COMAS FOR SIX MONTHS OR SUFFERING IN FUCKIN WHEELCHAIRS BECAUSE THEIR FAMILY ENJOYED THE ATTENTION AND SYMPATHY THEY GOT FROM HAVING A "QUADRIPLEGIC IN A WHEELCHAIR" FOR A DAMN RELATIVE. (i remember my grandma describing me to people for attention and sympathy- to make people assume she was caring and supportive to people (which she was- she was just naive.. i mean- it's NOT like she held me up in front of my dad while he was kicking her like my mom did!.. however- she did condone her stupidity and assumed it was because of my mom's brain injury caused by the umbilical chord wrapped around her neck.. i'm convinced nothing is really wrong with the woman though, she's just satan's spawn who acts lazy, so people assume she's mentally disabled). i'm also convinced that my financial worker is either stealing money from me or keeping money from me- so she can look like she's doing her job better than she actually is because she doesn't know how to invest money properly and do her job. why the hell did brian have to move to chicago? he actually cared about my damn money. i don't know what else people expect me to believe after my ONLY damn source of money is blocked for over a month and i can't have transportation to interviews if the debit card DOES work. i also AM going to mexico before my damn passport expires.. SO SHE BETTER MUSTER UP MY MONEY FOR THAT SINCE A YEAR SINCE MY RECENT TRIP IS COMING UP.

another step..

fredrick checked my mail today and i got a letter from the housing company in massachusetts that i've applied to and am in the process of verifying my housing with them because i've reached the top of their waiting list. they sent me the CORI form in the mail which i need for the next step of retaining housing in the apartment. i honestly don't remember requesting the CORI form and i had just assumed that i needed to call the massachusetts housing themselves and provide them with information.. it might be my bad memory making me forget, i may have notified them the last time i called them to check on my status a few days ago. so, it won't take as long to get outta this state now. i just need the ics worker to assist me in filling out the CORI forms (which she opened the letter with the CORI form in it and set it aside for us to fill out.. i hope she'll help me at least start on it tomorrow morning during the ics session).
the lack of support should provide enough of a reason for me having the desire to live ELSEWHERE where i can actually get the resources and tools to live constructively and successfully. amanda and anyone else wondering why i don't wanna remain in this state with social security being my only income and hauling my ass back and forth to courage kenny mindlessly while they don't help me actually progress because they can take advantage of my lack of care and advocacy by keeping me depending on them as much as possible since no one in their right minds wanna attend some overrated excuse of a "rehabilition facility" just to keep working on machines that DON'T progress you, they just make the average joe think that they're actually helping them. OF COURSE THEY PREY ON THE PEOPLE THAT LACK KNOWLEDGABLE, CARING ADVOCACY! THAT MAKES ME A TARGET! THANKS AMANDA! YOU MAKE EVERYONE AROUND ME SUPPOSEDLY "SUPPORTING" ME LOOK STUPID AND CARELESS AS WELL AS A BUNCH OF NAIVE TOOLS! THAT MEANS YOU TOO! thank courage kenny for this! that's to anyone with intelligence anyway. just like i realized i stopped saying something i always used to say because i remember my sister trying to mimic me and i realized how stupid she sounded saying it- so i haven't said it since (telling people to "settle down"). thanks amy! you show me how stupid i sound at times! i'm not sure if it just seemed more smart to say because it was original but when you have stupid sisters that take what you say, attempting to make it seem like they came up with it- she showed me how stupid it was. i'm pretty sure she attempts to use my blog as her own personal playbook because she's so insecure that she doesn't think that her own ideas are wise to do. she might be right but i can guarantee you- she can never do the shit i do and have it work out. she'll just end up getting killed and/or seeing her own demise. THERE'S NO SHORTCUTS, FATSY.

things to consider.

i was thinking about how a lot of jobs used the excuse they didn't wanna hire me because i didn't have any retail experience and about how another employer said to me, "well.. you don't have any retail experience but you DO have customer service experience. so that makes up for a lot of retail experience..". i just need to remember that the next time they bring that up to me during interviews. i'm not really sure of how to remind myself. i could write a note for myself, next to the page i usually have my notebook open to while doing interviews. i think i pointed this out before and it gives me a sign of what to talk about in my blog, so my mom and sister mind their damn business. i've noticed that the traffic to my blog has been lower on my blog now that i'm talking about jobs. they have no interest in jobs because they don't have experience in having a job (and i'm not talking that convenience store bullshit that anyone with hands and legs are qualified for- they probably don't need to have those though..).
i have absolutely nothing in this state that gives me the desire to stay here anymore. my grandma is dead- so i don't have her. my mom clearly doesn't give a shit about me because if she DID- she'd be supporting MY WELL-BEING and i guarantee you that i wouldn't be so down if i lived in a place where i could be TRULY CONSTRUCTIVE in the things I want for myself. because.. *gasp* THIS IS MY LIFE! my mom never used to give a shit i wanted to move to a different state until my tubby sister moved in with her. just because you idiots never made anything with your lives- does NOT mean you should drag everyone down with you and attempt to cling to them. i say "attempt" because i'm more smarter than the both of you.. probably both of you combined and i have more persistance than both of you because i realize life is what you make it and it's ultimately NOT anyone else's decision where you end up but your own. i could give a fuck less if my family is too damn selfish to help me (except joe- i know he'll help me anytime as much as he can). the rest of you need therapy. it's not my responsibility to make sure you're alright. i'm younger than a lot of you. just laugh ignorantly at me and mock me though! it reveals exactly WHO you are along with your insecurities. maybe you should focus on yourselves before insulting and judging others. might get you somewhere. it's no wonder why i have absolutely NO desire to stay in the area and you have your head too far up your own ass if you act like you can't recognize the bullshit and lack of support i get from people who supposedly care for me (they've shown they're more concerned with themselves judging by if i think of past experiences.. not answering the phone when the emergency room calls you and not answering/returning ANY of my calls comes to mind). JUST BECAUSE THIS STATE AND THE THINGS IN IT WORK FOR YOU- DOES *NOT* MEAN IT'S THE SAME FOR EVERYONE ELSE. people have different situations. you can't just assume that you can make everyone just like you either- THINGS DON'T WORK LIKE THAT. i thought you were smarter than for you to ignore the FACTS. i don't know why i'm surprised my grandma's einstein plan of you helping me get to new york didn't work out.. she was obviously getting old and naive. WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE? other than being a careless, selfish, and entitled person.. hm..

a new career direction..

i checked my gmail quick completely randomly (not for any reason) and i see that i got an email from the supervisor from some clothing store in the mall of america. i figure that working at a retail store will probably add to my resume- since a person who was working at the salvation army (and it feels like somewhere else i applied to recently) asked me if i had any retail experience and it seemed like they lost interest in hiring me after i told them that i didn't. i had this weird wave of confidence while i was applying to this store on indeed- don't ask me why. it could just turn out to be a total let-down and they don't even hire me though. i gotta look at the email and schedule the interview since she emailed me just this morning. it may turn out that they find more qualified people like all the other jobs- just gotta keep my head up. someone will give me a shot eventually. that's how i got hired at sabathani- i just kept my head up after years of not getting interest to hire (not counting interviews- i still got plenty of those, just always let down by the results of whether they wanted to hire me.. kinda makes you develop a hard head if you don't think negatively.. i don't really have anything left to lose anymore- so it's only *UP* from here bitches).

still slowly moving.

i met with the ics worker and she had planned on bringing me to get a new id but then we checked that we had everything we needed and then she suggested that we make an appointment, so we don't just get there and they send us back because we didn't have an appointment and/or all the appropriate documents. she asked me about my id that i use normally and then we found my certificate of citizenship and my birth certificate. i left a message for the housing agency in massachusetts that i'm applying to and supposed to provide more information to. i hope the voicemail i left for them explained thoroughly for them to completely understand where i'm at, i just need to get a new valid id and we made an appointment to get a new id next tuesday. so i'm slowly getting there. at first, she had thought that we needed a translator for my birth certificate and i'm pretty sure they let me fly as long as i had my birth cerftificate and certificate of citizenship.. so i don't think we'll really need to hire a translator since last time i got my id, i don't remember needing a translator for it (since my birth certificate is in spanish, since i was born in mexico). so hopefully we get this id next week so i can continue working to get outta here. i was thinking about whether i'd be able to get employed when i got to massachusetts and i remembered how when i first moved here to st. paul, i was applying for jobs and i didn't get any employers really interested in hiring me (since NO ONE would really hire me when i was living in burnsville since i was too damn far away from all the jobs i applied to- so i got ZERO work experience for probably around 5 years- which the last person who interviewed me DID ask me why i had such a big gap in my work experience..) until after i volunteered for philando castile's memorial- as i said- philando is like my guardian angel. now, after volunteering for a year- employers are ACTUALLY interested in hiring me. i accidentally applied to a job in the boston area a few weeks ago and we were talking on the phone, until i realized the job was in massachusetts and i had to explain that i wasn't located in boston YET, so i couldn't work the job. so HOPEFULLY i hold this interest from employers when i finally get there.. although i think there's more jobs in minnesota that pop up for me on indeed- so there's either more minnesotan employers out there or because i haven't really been searching for jobs in massachusetts in general- i haven't received more results from there? and besides that.. my indeed profile still says i'm located in minnesota. although- i think i've came across more administrative assistant jobs in massachusetts compared to here. we'll see. i just don't wanna go through all this work to get there and have to turn back because i can't afford it or something. i gotta keep in mind what my grandma always used to say to me though- WHERE THERE'S A WILL THERE'S A WAY. it's gotten me this far in life and i'm not stopping for people who don't have to live through the consequences of MY choices. go fuck yourself if you think i'm crazy or any other negative classification because my life is inconvenient for you when you can't even answer the phone for the EMERGENCY ROOM. get something better to do with your lives rather than concentrate on what someone who is actually trying to work to get what and where they want are doing and WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF. you might actually get somewhere in life, mom and tubs. worry about yourfuckinselves. that's the reason you are where you are right now. stop acting like you actually care when i've done ALL the work to get where i am now because you wanna jump in when you see there's nothing left for you to do before i finally get where I REALLY want. YOU GOT THIS! I GOT NO HELP FROM YOU! THAT'S WHAT I GOT!

another hurdle i just need to jump over.

i just had ics and we checked to see if we had everything we needed for the cori form before we were gonna go to the post office. then the ics worker said to me, "it says here you need a valid license or id.. do you have one?" then i said, "well they told me when i went to get my permit renewed that i needed a doctor's note and i told them i just wanted an renewed id, so i could fly and to have proof of my citizenship." then i told them the doctor already said i couldn't drive, so i couldn't get a doctor's note. then they just gave me a paper saying my citizenship was valid, so i could just use that when i flew. the ics worker said, "did you tell them that you just wanted a renewed id and no permit to drive?" and i said, "yeah and that's why they just gave me a paper verifying my citizenship which i had to use the last time i took a plane to boston." then she told me to call the housing agency in massachusetts and ask them if my birth certificate could be used for a valid cori form and they said that it probably wouldn't work because they require a picture id to verify the cori id- so the ics worker said she'd just have to bring me to get a new id herself and explain to them that i don't want my driving privileges renewed- just a new id so i can get it notarized. she's gonna take me tomorrow morning to try to get my id again. the dmv might not think they can talk outta their asses if i have her explain to them what i need.
here's the thing- i KNOW amanda assumed that being my advocate would be just as easy as when my grandma was my mom's advocate. WE'RE TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE. she has different conditions and circumstances than i do. i'm not going to allow people to just do what's convenient for them when supposedly "helping" me get what I want done with my life. she should've figured that seeing as i KNOW she knew that i got my TBI after running off to new york and meeting a guy, who turned out to be the drunk driver. she may have thought i might have changed my goals from moving to new york but it's not fair for her to just take the easy way out and assume she doesn't have to advocate for me with empty phrases of encouragement like "YOU GOT THIS!" it was cool at first but after receiving no help or communication in general from the person supposedly taking my grandma's position in my life- i've came to the conclusion my grandma was an overly hopeful naive old woman. thanks a lot amanda for making my grandma look bad and uncaring to me. YOU GOT THIS! i hate to tell my careless, selfish family that just because they play stupid when it comes to helping me move to ANOTHER STATE FAR AWAY FROM THEM.. does NOT mean i'll just drop my goals which i nearly died for JUST FOR THEIR CONVENIENCE. it also doesn't mean i'll ever talk to them again. right now- pretty much the only people i have a desire to talk to is my cousin joe, my brother jay, and my aunt debbie. the rest of my family has shown their true colors and lack of support/care for me at one time or another. i may have a traumatic brain injury but i'm NOT A STUPID MAT YOU CAN STEP ON WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE IT WHEN IT'S CONVENIENT FOR YOU AND ONLY YOU.