happysleep ring.

i got my ring today from happysleep. i think i'm supposed to put it on my finger before i go to sleep, but i'm not really sure if i'm supposed to open an app on my phone before i put it on. it's going to monitor my heart beat while i sleep.. so i'm not really sure if there's something possibly wrong with my heart too (which would explain why it flutters frequently- although it hasn't been fluttering as much since i avoid talking to or about my mom..). pretty fuckin sad that a person's mother could give them so much anxiety they cause their hearts to beat irregularly. i've had to go to the emergency room a few times when i lived in burnsville because i was concerned about it. WHAT EXCUSES DO YOU HAVE FOR THAT, FLYING MONKEY?! condoning your abusive aunt won't get you anywhere. it may cause me to have heart problems or a stroke though! *CLAPS* KEEP IT UP!.. ALL you're proving to me by enabling their abuse is that you don't give a shit about me. *sigh* whatever. the love i typically receive from family- that and stalking the shit outta me like my sister and other family members. i don't even have an exciting life but i can't seem to take a shit without certain family members being interested in it- PSST. THAT AIN'T GONNA GET YOU ANYWHERE EITHER. i can hear the other flying monkey saying, "WELL IF SHE WENT TO COURAGE KENNY- SHE WOULDN'T HAVE A FLUTTERING HEART!".. no, i'm pretty sure when i was going to courage kenny, i had to go to the emergency room as well for a fluttering heart. *CLAPS* A BAD HEART.. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT COULD USE?! COURAGE KENNY! RIGHT?! WE LEARNED THAT IN BEAUTY SCHOOL, SO IT'S GOTTA BE TRUE! I'LL TELL HER "YOU GOT THIS!" AND THAT'LL MAKE HER HEART BEAT REGULARLY!

*IF* you've *NEVER* experienced my life- you really don't have a right to give your opinions on it.

alright.. so i'm positive that some of my "friends" who read my blog- assume that i'm just over exaggerating the shit i say my mom did to me. why do they think that? because they've NEVER personally had to deal with things like their own mom holding them up when they were infants and their dads also NEVER kicked their moms- well, i took the damage this kick (to my mom's satisfaction- which is exactly why she held me up to block his kicks like a damn shield). the TWO surgeries on my bowel prove it. i remember after my last surgery, i looked up on google, "how does a bowel get blocked?" it said, "trauma to the abdomen area or if the person is turning". i was sitting at my computer, not even turning, when my abdomen felt like something was kicking inside of it repeatedly. no one cares about all the damn pain i've had to go through on account of her selfish ass feeling like she should bring me into the quarrel with my dad since no one did anything about him beating on my mom. so she accomplished getting my grandpa pissed off because my dad kicked me and i'm pretty sure that's when my grandpa chased my dad to mexico- i never seen him again and i was told he died in a drug trading accident with the cartels in mexico by my brother who was told by someone he was doing a welding job for a while ago. i have to keep reminding myself that my "friends" are just some people who have never had to experience this abuse or any abuse for that matter- so they don't know how it feels, so their opinions have absolutely NO affect on me or my situation at all because they obviously don't know or CARE how it feels.) i've had to deal with a family who just enables my mom's neglect and abuse ALL my life (i'm pretty sure that's also why my grandparents stepped in and tried to take care of my brother and i as much as possible when they were alive- they seen my mom wasn't capable of being a loving parent when there wasn't a benefit for her). with all that said- she provides to be an example of everything to AVOID being/doing. that actually motivated me not to just sit in my fucking wheelchair and act helpless because i KNOW that's what my mom would've done if she was in my situation. proof you ask? when my mom was told she had something wrong with her because my grandma had my mom as a nuchal chord baby. so my mom assumed she could go through life acting like she couldn't do anything and she likes playing victim- so this is perfect for her. some of my so-called friends are probably acting like i'm over exaggerating and i should be more understanding to my elders. lemme ask those same "friends" this- HAS YOUR PARENTS EVER BEEN THE CAUSE OF AT LEAST TWO OF YOUR SURGERIES IN LIFE (SO FAR)? no? right. can it. you have absolutely no right to make judgments or opinions on me. same goes to my so-called "caring" relatives who were taught to just condone this shit and it'll go away! did my bowel problems go away after just "sweeping this under the rug"?! i wish. my mom doesn't deserve ANYTHING from me. she's never told me about this situation in my whole life. probably because she's ashamed of her reaction to my dad kicking her and she would've never been able to handle my reaction to this knowledge.. i had to piece all this information together MYSELF. i distinctly remember my grandma saying under her breath after i had my first perforated bowel surgery and the doctors asked her if i had been involved in anything that would have put trauma to my stomach region, "well.. stacy may have been kicked in a fight but it's nothing serious. her mom tried to turn away frøm him when he was kicking her." so my grandma basically condoned this shitty parenting and was trying to make excuses for her precious daughter. so to my "friends" and "family" that are rolling their eyes or thinking skeptically because no one could ever be this evil- YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT TO HAVE AN OPINION ON THINGS YOU'VE NEVER EXPERIENCED YOURSELF. i'm pretty sure that's also the reason why i was diagnosed with ptsd. the psychologists assumed i had ptsd after the car accident i was in, they even tested me MANY times at gillette a long time ago.. i never had ANY symptoms until i recently had my last blocked bowel surgery when i had dreams flashing back to being KICKED by my dad because MY MOM felt like it was wise to use my body as a shield when my dad was kicking my narcissistic mother. then we have "FRIENDS" who don't even fuckin care about me acting like i'm lying or overexaggerating. JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE NEVER HAD THIS EXPERIENCE BEFORE- DOES NOT MAKE IT ANY LESS TRAUMATIZING TO ME. oh look! ANOTHER reason why i need to gtfo of this state! just hope i don't get so swept up in my anxiety again, so i don't do crazy shit again that will kill me this time. it'd probably be easier to guarantee that won't happen the FURTHER i get away from the mom from hell. she's a spawn of satan falsely wearing a cross around her neck to fool people that she's actually a good person.

MY FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE) NEEDS TO LEARN WHAT *CARING* REALLY MEANS.

i don't know if i've wrote about my frustration with this topic before- it continues to come up in my mind.. so i'm assuming i have. i don't really understand how my family expects to look "caring" for basically refusing to assist their own family member to get to a place where they can be truly constructive and happy when i'm sure they have knowledge of the fact that keeping their "loved" one in a place where they supposedly get a higher pay from social security- so they can just depend on that while wasting their time and potential at some sad excuse of a "rehabilitation facility" just because it makes them look more CARING to everyone else (i know because none of my family (but joe) has taken in consideration of MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE with the pathetic excuse of a "rehabilitation facility" because they're ONLY concerned with how they appear to everyone else!)amanda and/or none of my other family members (but joe) have taken the opportunity to ask me about my PERSONAL EXPERIENCE with that shit. they care more about how they appear to everyone (assuming they should be concerned about me moving to another state- simple solution to that problem! tell them to MIND THEIR BUSINESS! *gasp* IT'S REALLY THAT EASY!)of course my family members (except joe) don't care about me that much! which is really another reason why i have ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE TO STICK AROUND THIS SAD EXCUSE OF A STATE. they'd rather see me wasting my time at that waste of space rehabilitation "facility" rather than actually work on getting more WORK EXPERIENCE so that i'm not completely fucked when this country cuts off the social security entirely for some stupid reason to everyone who is too vulnerable to get someone to ACTUALLY LISTEN to them so they're SCREWED!.. OH WAIT STACY!! THAT WOULD BE ME! it's ok though- nobody obviously cares about my well being! that's why this shit continues and i'm STILL in the SAME state! MY PATHETIC EXCUSE OF "SUPPORT" = EMPTY EXCUSES OF URGING ME SAYING "YOU GOT THIS!" without ANY attempts to solve or help me with my problems! my grandma was a fool to believe you'd actually help me get to where i wanna be. SHE NEVER CONSIDERED HOW INCONVENIENT IT WAS FOR YOU FOR ME TO BREATHE AND/OR BE TRULY HAPPY AND SUCCESSFUL! stop trying to solve my problems like the only way she knew how, she promised you'd help me in the ways she was unable to because she was aware of her naivety and how things changed a lot since she was younger. you're just as naive as her if you can't see that. ask yourself this: WOULD YOU WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO JUST THROW AWAY HER CAPABILITIES AND ABILITIES TO BE TRULY SUCCESSFUL AFTER BEING A STUDENT WHO MANAGED TO GRADUATE WITH HONORS, PARTICIPATE IN SPORTS WHEN SHE DIDN'T HAVE A TBI, AND ATTEND COLLEGES JUST TO GO TO SOME SAD EXCUSE OF A REHABILITATION "CENTER" WHICH DEPENDS ON CLIENTS WITH A LACK OF KNOWLEGABLE ADVOCACY WHICH DOESN'T LET HER SHOW HER TRUE PROGRESS AND ABILITY JUST SO THEY CAN CONTINUE HAVING CLIENTS?! YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT IF YOU SAID ANYTHING LIKE "YES". if you truly cared about me- you'd be helping as much as you can to see to it that i get more work experience so when grump grifts the social security money and tells everyone they need to work for their money- no matter the disability, I'LL ALREADY HAVE THE WORK EXPERIENCE TO HELP ME GET HIRED TO GET JOBS WHICH ACTUALLY PAY FOR ME TO SURVIVE. plain out- YOU DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ME. YOUR SMART ASS VOTED FOR THIS!

better than usual.

yesterday was alright.. better than most of my birthdays so far. we didn't make it to rick's cabaret YET because douglas said he stopped by there after work but they weren't letting him in because he had a jersey on and the wrong shoes i think. i'm not sure they would've approved of my wardobe either.. i wasn't dressed badly or anything but douglas said they said he couldn't go in because he had shorts on too. i was wearing a skirt (which i DO see other women going to clubs wearing.. so i'm not really sure) but if they were picky about his shorts- i'm not sure if this would be a double standard. douglas reassured me that i was dressed fine though and we just went to the casino. i don't really enjoy gambling especially when i'm losing and i didn't make much money (if any), i wasn't about to continue feeding a losing machine- i know people are probably like, "just switch machines!" well- i did and they still weren't winners.. so i wasn't gonna continue forking over money. plus- douglas said we could go to rick's another day (possibly this weekend?)- so i saved some money for there. i was just happy to get outta the house for my birthday FOR ONCE. no thanks to the supposed reason why i haven't gotten to move and ACTUALLY live MY life. jealous losers. my SUPPOSED "caring" family.

we'll just have to see..

ok.. i went to sabathani to answer phones for a few hours and i'm pretty sure i gave the other workers there the idea that i'm either lesbian or bi.. haha. i told justin and sherri it was my birthday today, sherri asked me how old i was and she said surprised, "OH!" after i told her i was 40.. i'm not sure i really look it (fredrick DID make sure i had my ID in case they checked it at the strip club.. i'm honestly not sure i look old enough to go to a strip club haha). then she asked me if i had any plans for my birthday and i kinda smirked while i said, "well.. my boyfriend and i are going to a strip club.. rick's cabaret.." then her face turned a little disgusted and she said, "oh!" hahaha so i'm sure everyone in the offices surrounding the main office heard because justin wished me a "happy birthday" a little after. i'm still debating whether to slip pants on instead of this skirt.. i'd probably give off the stud vibe then. heh- unless i just found my leggings and slipped them on but they might look odd with the shirt i have on. i can just imagine the thoughts going through my co-workers heads right now. like i'm the perverted-confused little girl. ah well. it's MY birthday. i could care less what anyone thinks. it's my first time going to a strip club and it seems appropriate on my FORTIETH BIRTHDAY- since i can't celebrate it where i was born. i actually yawned a few times on my way back from sabathani.. i hope i make it through the night. sometimes i get stupid when i'm tired- so that may happen or i'll just be uninterested in everything- which i hope doesn't happen. we'll just have to see.

another birthday

it's my birthday.. doesn't feel like it. i remember my grandma giving me a lecture about how birthdays are only a big thing when you're younger. i told amal she said that when i lived at the apartment before this one and she said, "AW.. THAT'S NOT TRUE!" i'm pretty sure my grandma said that so i wouldn't be so disappointed with people not paying attention to me. i'd be happier if people would assist me in SAFELY moving to where i can be truly happy and constructive with my life (looking like a rehabilitation tool is NOT a constructive life.. especially when i already attended that useless place which is only concerned about keeping their clients there- so they can actually appear "helpful" and wtf else they're trying to do by only letting their clients work on a stationary machine where they push and pull their hands and push and pull some bars on each side with their arms- NOT working on balance or strength to walk- which is the ONLY reason i wasted my time there. every time i had an appointment there, they'd ask me what i wanted to work on and i'd say, "walking." every damn day i attended that waste of time. my grandma actually listened to my complaints and seen what i was talking about and found tram holloway, who hooked me up to his arp machine and actually allowed me and helped me to get my ass outta my wheelchair without bitching about liability or wtf). i'm not sure if they just chose to pick that excuse because they might have somehow found out about how i got money from my car accident (bitch about how you think it was MY fault and how i shouldn't have got into the car or wtf bullshit his smart ass sister is saying but let me remind you- I did NOT force him to drink the beer- i didn't even offer it and i was SOBER during the accident which caused me to get more fucked up because i didn't have beer to paralyze my immune system unlike tim.. I KNOW BECAUSE I LEARNED ABOUT IT DURING MY MOTHERS AGAINST DRUNK DRIVING VICTIM IMPACT PANELS- so you can say wtf you wanna say to excuse his stupidity, flying monkey, me and tim went through this already and i'm AWARE THAT PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES AND NOBODY IS PERFECT- mind your fuckin business, i know this may be hard for your flying monkey ass to understand but your brother is an ADULT who is fully capable of making his OWN decisions, people make mistakes sometimes but it doesn't mean they should be fucked their whole lives and let their little sister make decisions for him/influence his decisions in life). i was thinking about how i'll be asked if i wanna drink tonight- i was also thinking about this time when douglas brought this one girl (i don't remember her name) he called his "home girl" and she was drunk as hell- she was falling all over and speaking crazy, with mixed/slurred speech. douglas didn't really do much to help her (i didn't think so anyway.. although i'm not sure what i expected him to do), he sat her down (i think on my floor next to my ottoman or pillow and let her sleep there), so i'm almost positive if i get drunk- he won't really help me either.. so that doesn't make me wanna drink- especially NOT get drunk. to tell you the truth- i can't remember a time where i've actually been drunk in my life. i've had a few sips of douglas' booze every now and then but never drunk that i remember. that'll probably be the case tonight. hopefully i don't get tired because i don't think concerta was in my anodyne machine this morning.. so i might just have to run on adrenaline- hopefully i don't seizure up. i haven't had one in over 15 years.. so i SHOULD be alright. i still take anti-seizure pills (just not as big of a dose as i used to have). i'm not sure if there's something i can drink for energy. i also am going to sabathani later- so at least i have something to do during the day. i have a skirt on that i bought a few weeks ago, i don't know if i should wear it to the strip club- although, if i slipped on some pants before i went to the strip club- i'm afraid people might assume i'm a butch since i'm wearing pants in a club and i'm female? i don't remember ever going to a club and i don't remember what people typically wear. i hope everything goes okay tonight though.

YOLO!! SI SI!

i spoke to my therapist today. i told her my birthday was tomorrow and she said to me, "OH! do you have any plans?!" then i said, "well. since it's my FORTIETH BIRTHDAY- i wanted to do something big. i HAD planned on going to mexico since i was born there- it just seems appropriate.. but since amy said i couldn't take more than 1 trip a year.. i'm just going to a strip club with doug." then she said, "oh? yeah mexico would be fun.. i thought we determined a calendar year would be in november if you still wanted to go this year.. how do you feel about going to a strip club now instead of mexico?" then i said, "well.. i had REALLY wanted to go to mexico for my birthday but i'll just do the next best thing and go to rick's cabaret.. since i've never been there before.." then she tried to clarify if I was the one who wanted to go to rick's or if it was just douglas (because i'm not really sure why people don't see this as MY idea? do i really seem that uptight?). so then i said, "no.. it was MY idea. i always wanted to check it out since even when i lived in burnsville and nick from the half assed morning show would always talk about it. fredrick asked me why i wanna see naked women dancing around and i said that i just wanted a new experience. i'm completely secure with my sexuality." then my therapist seemed a little more at ease when she said, "oh." and i said, "plus, i don't really think douglas would be up for going to a strip club for men.. he isn't as secure with his sexuality as i am." then she said, "well.. you know- you could always go by yourself." then i said, "yeah but it doesn't seem like as much fun." heh.. i'm not sure if she was nervous that she was talking to an undercover carpet muncher or if she thought i was being pushed into something because i'm usually so uptight or something? you only turn 40 once and no one ever does things surprising for me on my birthday- which i told her that i was pretty sure it's because people don't care about me that much around here. SO, IT'S MY CHOICE! IF I CAN'T RETURN TO SEE WHERE I WAS BORN- I'LL GO CRAZY ELSEWHERE. i'm pretty sure i've done crazier shit- so i wouldn't put this past me and you'll see tomorrow since everyone acts too fucking stupid to help me get to where I TRULY want to live. you idiots will regret this. it just might bite you in your lame uptight asses. that's what you get for trying to control me and ACT like you "care" about me. tell me.. DID YOU CARE THIS MUCH ABOUT ME WHEN YOU WERE ABOUT TO GET KICKED BY MY DAD AND YOU SELFISHLY USED ME AS A SHIELD WHILE NANCHALANTLY HOLDING ME IN FRONT OF YOUR STUPID ASS TO ACT LIKE YOU WERE TRYING TO SHOW HIM WHY HE SHOULD SETTLE DOWN? DID YOU CARE THIS MUCH ABOUT ME WHEN THE EMERGENCY ROOM ATTEMPTED TO CALL YOU WHEN I FELL OUTTA MY WHEELCHAIR AND BANGED MY HEAD ON THE ICE/STREET?! i remember having to even get stitches above my eye. don't try to say you did because JOE was the ONLY one who actually made an effort to check to see if i was alright last time i was having surgery because my mom's selfish ass using my body as a shield.. so i got kicked- which resulted in a perforrated bowel and a blocked bowel. you are quite honestly the best example of what i should AVOID doing and being. thanks for the guidance of what to avoid turning into.. that's the ONLY thanks you'll ever receive from me. "WHAT ABOUT HOW YOUR MOM TOOK CARE OF YOU AFTER THE CAR ACCIDENT YOU WERE IN?!" i know better, FLYING MONKEY. mind your own business. you obviously have no respect and/or care for me. GRANDMA MADE HER TAKE CARE OF HER OWN FUCKING DAUGHTER. there were SEVERAL nights when i heard my mom whining to my grandma how it wasn't fair that she should have to stay home with her OWN DAUGHTER and she actually went out a bunch of times when i was wheelchair dependant without leaving me with someone to help me- until i told my grandma, then she chewed my mom out and came into town a few times and sat with me while my mom selfishly went to the bar to play pool with her little boyfriend carlos. i'm pretty sure i've experienced pretty close to everything dealing with neglect. that is NOTHING to be PROUD of either. the perpetrators should be ASHAMED of themselves. shit's gonna change. i realize i can do things by MYSELF and i'm NOT turning into a bum who smokes cigarettes, drinks pepsi, and talks to her dogs. if i see that happening- I WILL KILL MYSELF AND WRITE "THANKS MOM AND AMANDA" IN BLOOD. that'll probably just make them wet with admiration for themselves though. can't win for losing.

*PREPARING*!!

fredrick just took me to the store, so i could withdraw money from the atm from my debit card for the strip club on tuesday. i'm pretty sure they HAVE to have an atm at rick's cabaret though but now that i think about it- they probably charge out the ass in addition for using the atm there. so i probably made a wise decision in getting some money on my own before going to rick's. i was trying to decide if me not going to mexico made any difference in me deciding to go to rick's.. i'm not sure if it made much of a difference- i've always had a desire to check it out, it just so happens to be my birthday on tuesday and doug said they give you lap dances for free for your birthday (i'm pretty sure i remember him saying that)- ah well. i'm still gonna get a lap dance- free or not. hopefully i take my concerta that night to keep me awake, so i don't just run on adrenaline to keep me awake and going. i'm not sure how long my adrenaline would keep me going.

IT'S A PLAN!

well.. i checked with doug if he's still bringing me to rick's cabaret and he said, "yeah.. we could go to the casino after too, if you want". i'd go to the casino and all- it's just that i'm not sure i'll have much money remaining after i get back from rick's. we'll see. i figure i go big on my 40th birthday, seeing as i was told i couldn't take a trip to mexico for my birthday like I WANTED. so the strippers at rick's just may see a pay day on tuesday. *shrugs shoulders* whatever. i guess i'm cool with either but i'm just saying if i would've got to go to mexico for MY BIRTHDAY i probably wouldn't have a face full of titties in my face for my birthday and a few lap dances. i asked tyler how much you typically should tip strippers and i THINK he said $50.. i told him i didn't wanna look cheap when tipping but i am kinda tight with my money typically.
i was thinking about how my grandma used to tell me i changed.. i don't think i realized how manipulating she was trying to be. she was trying to scare me into just acting the way she wanted, so i'd think i didn't change. then it hit me- PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO CHANGE! i don't remember if i told her that when she told me once that i changed.. i kinda feel like i did. just judging by that manipulation tactic- you should understand how i was basically raised and all the abuse (my dad kicking me because my mom used MY BODY as a shield while he was kicking her) was condoned because my grandma jumped to the conclusion that my mom had a disability since she was illiterate. my mom can read. she reads my blog all the time. so she's just lazy. which to me is worse than being disabled but i'm not sure how stupid people think. i'm pretty sure my mom probably had something to do with amy telling me i couldn't go to mexico. my mom thinks she can go to mexico but she tries to stop me from going there.. which i don't really understand why except for the fact she's incredibly jealous of her own daughter. go act like you care about fat amy. she's your favorite kid anyway. if my kids spoke about this on their blogs.. i would NEVER want to read that shit. another difference between me and my mom. if you people were SMART you'd work on helping me to move out of this state- so i don't have time to think about how she abused me and open the can of worms because i'd be too busy living and making my OWN life to post or think about something as depressing as my mom and the shit she did to me.

Bound to happen.

i have this feeling that douglas might ghost me on my birthday, so he won't even bring me to rick's cabaret. maybe i'm just being paranoid because it's for my FORTIETH birthday and i was excited to have plans for it FOR ONCE since nobody gives a damn about me to make plans for me. that's also one of the reasons why i don't wanna live in this particular state. i'm not gonna go switching my interests/personality just so i can actually do things and have friends.