bad luck?

well.. i think i need to figure out a way to get a new tiki statue because the one i got when i went to hawaii was broken by zen today when he was taking out my christmas decorations. jokes on him.. this particular tiki statue was for good luck- so i'm thinking anyone who breaks it will get bad luck. i tried to have fredrick glue it back together for me but he said it was too hard to put it all together and glue it. zen never recognized he broke it either. i heard a noise and i assumed something else fell off my shelf and i didn't see the broke tiki statue until he left my apartment. i'm not sure if i can buy a new one and i'm not sure what the price is. i hate when pca's or other people meant to help you break things of yours and it makes me more angry when they don't identify that they broke it because i'm sure he knows because of the loud noise it made when breaking.

unkept promises.. WHAT A SURPRISE!

i also forgot to mention how my grandma used to CLAIM amanda had all these plans to help me get my driver's license (since it was revoked because it had expired) and vehicle AGAIN. i'm not surprised that she hasn't even done that because my grandma also claimed that amanda would get me to new york when she died. my grandma was naive and had too much confidence in amanda. she can try to deny all this but she's just making her own aunt look like an over confident liar. hope she's happy with herself! as i've said before- my nieces would be over my knee so fast if they ever made ME look like an over confident liar. she's so respectful of her aunt! nice.

when am i going to get to drive LEGALLY again?

i just looked up when birth control was invented and it says that the FDA approved it in 1960.. so TWENTY SIX YEARS afterBEFORE i was born. my parents were just too immature to reproduce. i'm sure my mom insinuated it would be just like having her dogs- although i'm pretty sure she showed more care to her dogs (from what i witnessed anyway) than she did for her children- well, me and my brother anyway- which still makes me wonder if she didn't secretly have some spite against the dad of me and my brother and was trying to get even through how she treated my brother and i. don't get me wrong here- my sister's dad beat my mom up as well but maybe it was more traumatizing to her when the dad of my brother and i beat her up because it was new to her? or he might've just did it worse- i don't honestly remember, i was too young but i DO remember hiding under the bunk bed that my brother and i slept on with my brother and having to call my grandpa many times on my sister's dad for beating on my mom. i'm pretty sure i was more scared from how my grandpa came into town (the apartment he used to own) and took care of my sister's dad jonas. my grandpa was like our hero when we were younger. he beat the hell outta jonas for beating on my mom MANY TIMES. my grandpa was big and scary with a big heart.. i'm not sure how he snapped from a big scary guy to a big ol teddy bear to his grandchildren.. but he did it. it pisses me off that these men just thought they could get away with beating the hell outta my mom- she pisses me off ALL THE TIME but not to the point where i'd actually hit her. don't get me wrong- i have realized many times and thought to myself when dealing with my mom- "no wonder why my dad used to beat the shit outta you." but not to the point where i'd actually hit her myself like my sister used to do. i'm not sure if it's this thing called "RESPECT"? who knows.. i just need to step back sometimes and recognize the kind of person my mom is.. that doesn't mean excuse her ignorance and selfishness but when i do that, which isn't always easy nor the main choice of my decisions, i realize how sad it must be to have to live with yourself being so damn ignorant and naive. i don't excuse it though.. i RECOGNIZE why she is the way she is and deal with it accordingly- which is cutting her off and/or ignoring her. i don't want ANYTHING to do with someone who purposely used her own infant daughter as a SHIELD while her husband was kicking her, causing surgeries and medical conditions later on in her life and being looked at as a fucking VICTIM when she more than likely didn't have any injuries from him KICKING ME. it's not my fault that my mom has low confidence about herself- so she has boyfriends that beat the shit outta her because she can't find a decent man who doesn't beat the fuck outta her to go out with. GROW UP. this victim bullshit is old. i think the only person i can think of that actually gave into this bullshit was my grandma (entertain it).. probably because she felt accountable for how my mom is. your mommy is gone.. so she can't protect you anymore. must've been nice to have a GENUINELY CARING mother. time to GROW UP. go join some careless mommy club.. there's gotta be one out there. i can see PERFECTLY why i ran off when i was 16 now.. IT'S NOT LIKE I HAD ANYTHING REALLY WORTH COMING BACK TO! a careless narcissistic mom.. a questionable future.. people may say "YOU CAN'T BLAME THEM FOR YOUR MISTAKES!" but what else is there to blame, genius? i had good grades, i was in sports, i had a job.. hm..
the thought of how amanda is probably just relying on the "great" courage kenny to get me my license back so she doesn't actually have to do ANYTHING for someone she really doesn't give a damn about.. I TOOK THEIR FUCKING DRIVING PROGRAM AT LEAST THREE TIMES (you can even ask your in-law courage kenny physical therapist.. although i'm not sure they'll tell the truth because that's the way those jerks are) AND EVERY TIME THEY'D FAIL ME SAYING "needs more therapy." that's BULLSHIT. i know of a guy who is a QUADRIPLEGIC in a WHEELCHAIR and they gave him his license back.. why is that? HIS PARENTS ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HIM AND THE COURAGE CENTER WON'T GIVE ANYONE WHO DOESN'T HAVE ADVOCACY THEIR LICENSES. HE OBVIOUSLY CAN'T WALK- SO WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T THEY FAIL HIM WITH "NEEDS MORE THERAPY"?! BECAUSE THEY'RE A SAD EXCUSE OF AN "INSTITUTE" WHICH RELIES ON HOW MUCH FUCKIN ATTENTION THEY GET FOR BEING "HELPFUL". TRAM HOLLOWAY WAS THE MAN WHO GOT ME WALKING AGAIN WITH HIS ARP THERAPY. HE DIDN'T CARE ABOUT ANY LIABILITY BULLSHIT WHEN HE GOT ME UP AND WALKED ME. HE TOLD MY GRANDMA HE'D HAVE ME OUTTA MY WHEELCHAIR AND HE KEPT HIS PROMISE. COURAGE KENNY DIDN'T DO SHIT BECAUSE THEY WERE TOO FUCKING CONCERNED ABOUT "LIABILITY" BULLSHIT AND TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE ADVOCACY-LESS CLIENTS THEY COULD GET AS MUCH MONEY FROM THEIR PERSEVERANCE AND PERSISTENCE- SO THEY'D PUT ME ON MACHINES THAT EVEN MY LIVING ROOM WALL COULD OPERATE AND TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE FACT THAT I DIDN'T HAVE ADVOCACY. when i woke up this morning, i was laying in bed trying to remember when my driver's permit expired- i've had that shit since i lived in burnsville because that's as far as i can get to get myself driving INDEPENDENTLY. i HAVE went through BEHIND-THE-WHEEL driving lessons which brian helped me to pay for, so they can't try to tell me i need to take driving lessons. the driving instructor told me that i was completely safe to drive, i just needed to get a vehicle to take the behind-the-wheel test with. hopefully when i move to the east coast- they'll recognize the shit i've been through and help me to actually get my fucking driver's license again. a person gets punished for not drinking in a car accident which was caused by a drunk driver who has had his driver's license back for probably at least 10 years. ALL THIS LOVING, CARING HELP FROM MY FAMILY TO GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE BACK AGAIN! IT'S BEEN TWENTY THREE YEARS AND THREE MONTHS SINCE MY DAMN CAR ACCIDENT (THE LAST TIME I COULD DRIVE LICENSED LEGALLY). IF YOU CAN'T SEE WHY I DON'T WANNA STAY IN THIS FUCKING STATE WITH ALL THIS HELP I GET FROM MY FAMILY- YOU'RE EITHER MENTALLY DISABLED YOURSELF OR JUST SELFISH AND NAIVE AS HELL.

i know there was birth control invented at the time i was born.. my mom shoulda considered it.

to elaborate on the abuse/neglect i've experienced, my parents should NOT have been allowed to reproduce.. EITHER of them. one was an angry drunk (from what i gather and conclude anyway) and the other one was/is too immature to take the responsibilities of having children. PLUS- she's always gotta make herself out to be the victim for attention- she can't take accountability OR responsibility. i was caught in the middle of a selfish disagreement and I was the one to pay the price. it turned out JUST how i had guessed it to turn out- my dad got angry at my mom and ended up kicking her and i got caught in the middle because my selfish ass mom held me in front of her (i'm honestly not sure WHY she did it.. like i've said- ANY CARING parent would have did everything possible to get her child away from their dad if and when he was drunk and angry). SHE'S NO VICTIM. ESPECIALLY since I was the one to get the brunt of the abuse (which worked out PERFECTLY for the "victim" *rolls eyes*), i've ended up having to have TWO abdominal surgeries my whole life so far. the last step is for me to be hooked up to a damn colostomy bag. GREAT JOB, SELFISH ASSHOLE. don't worry- you more than likely won't be alive to see that step for me.. you'd make yourself a "victim" in that situation too. one of my parents is NOT less guilty than the other- even though it's pretty much my mom's fault for me not getting to know my dad. if i get married- i won't have a dad to walk me down the aisle to my husband. thanks asshole. amanda can laugh at this ranting or talk sarcastically about it ALL she wants (which she probably IS)- more proof that she lacks empathy. wtf is new? she'll NEVER have to experience not being walked down the aisle by her dad, she'll never get to experience being a 6th grader trying to explain to her friend's parents what her UNEMPLOYED mom on SOCIAL SECURITY does as a job and getting laughed at by the friend's older brother- being called a "welfare case". don't even try to relate because i KNOW you CAN'T. just a few examples of how my great parents have "supported" me! *crickets* i swore to myself that i'd never put my own kids through the same shit i had to experience. although, i'm not even sure that i'm still gonna have kids- so there's a solution to that problem. i'm getting kinda old. douglas tried to condone it by saying, "CARDI B IS PREGNANT AND JANET JACKSON HAS HAD A BUNCH OF KIDS IN HER 40'S!" (that was BEFORE cardi had her most recent child with stefon diggs). i've learned not to make plans for my future, so i'm not so let down when it doesn't happen (from experience from having plans to go to college in new york and actually sending my act scores to them before my car accident- so i had the university of buffalo and a few other colleges in new york interested in enrolling me to their college after my car accident when i was fighting for my life and comatose for 6 months). BUT YEAH! LET'S BITCH ABOUT HOW OUR RELATIVE WHO DRANK AND DROVE AND KILLED ONE PERSON, NEARLY KILLED THE OTHER AND NOW HE'S GOTTA PAY MONEY TO THE PERSON WHO ACTUALLY SURVIVED 6 MONTHS IN A COMA AND AT LEAST 20 YEARS QUADRIPLEGIC IN A WHEELCHAIR SO OUR INSURANCE IS MORE THAN LIKELY HIGH AS HELL BUT AT LEAST HE CAN WALK AND DRIVE LEGALLY! seriously.. you don't look smart or clever making ANY comments or having ANY bad feelings towards the person who nearly died- especially since they weren't even drinking AT ALL during the accident- which is why they got more injured than the driver (i learned from Mothers Against Drunk Driving that alcohol paralyzes the immune system- which is why almost ALL the drunk drivers end up living). BUT YEAH! LET'S TEACH OUR DAUGHTER THAT IT'S ALRIGHT TO BE A SPITEFUL CUNT TO THE WOMAN WHO ALMOST DIED BECAUSE OF HER BROTHER! don't get me wrong here tim- she hasn't said anything to me lately but i can guarantee you that she would if she had the opportunity to. i always think of things that i forgot to say in my blog post.. that's why a lot of the time i basically finish off the previous post's thoughts.

i probably don't understand because it's something i wouldn't do¿

being confused about how someone can fake a condition like illiteracy and live with themselves is JUST ONE of the things that confuses me about my victim of a mom. i'm also confused about why she isn't more supportive to her own children. i say that because a long time ago, when i was living in burnsville and she used to pick me up from my place and bring me to my grandma's house so i could get my nails done and see my grandma because i stayed at HER (my grandma's) place to see her every other weekend when i went to the town my grandma and mom lived in. she made a snooty comment about how i had a "better apartment" than she did (when i lived in burnsville- she hasn't been to any of my recent apartments i've lived in because she don't like driving in the cities and my grandma isn't here to force her to bring me to her place- no loss). from what i hear (from my sidekick), it's a hole and i'm not missing much. I worked for EVERYTHING i've got. i don't sit in my apartment, smoking cigarettes, drinking pepsi and whining for things i want- LIKE OTHER PEOPLE. when i haven't been a receptionist- i was out searching for jobs and working out privately (walking and doing stretches, range of motion exercises). you can't expect to get ANYTHING if you just sit idle- DOING NOTHING TO STAY CONSTRUCTIVE AT ALL. then, they have the audacity to be unsupportive and uncaring to anyone close to them who is ACTUALLY trying to help themselves and in some cases- other people as well- to the point i'd almost consider it a bit jealous. i feel like i wrote about this exact same thought a while ago but it's not going away because i see my mom and/or my sister spying on me (this particular blog and facebook). i don't really understand what kind of fulfillment they get from this. you're just irritating me and i DON'T forget things that irritate me- brain injury or not. i should and i'm going to- just totally disconnect myself from you dicks one day, just like jay ignores your stupid asses. i'm pretty sure i have everything i need for work and someone tried to enter my apartment a few hours ago (i could hear them turning the knob and trying to push the door)- so i gotta be sure to lock the door when i leave. someone actually opened the door yesterday when my ics worker was here and i thought it was fredrick- because he often just walks in but no one actually walked in the door since i'm sure they heard people in my apartment. oh well. just need to remember to lock my door at all times- which i actually forget to do every now and then. plus, i'm thinking about calling the apartment in boston that i looked at and they told me my waiting list # but i'm sure they'll eventually recognize my voice (probably because of my accent) and i hope i don't annoy them with my persistence. i forgot if i registered for any other housing establishment/companies in boston but i more than likely did with my ics. i'm getting out of my family's comfort zone bubble. my family is unsupportive, uncaring, and selfish (except joe, of course).

pretending to get sympathy just makes you look STUPID to *ANYONE* with a *BRAIN*.

fredrick took me to get a wax, then we went to cub foods to pick up some groceries and my medicine. i was thinking how incredibly sad it must be to stalk your own daughter/sister because you have nothing better to do with your OWN life- so it feels satisfying to read EVERYTHING they do because you think it's too much fuckin work to actually make something of YOURSELF. find a club or read a book (since i KNOW you CAN read now). i don't understand how someone can live with themselves pretending to be illiterate, so they don't have to work. don't you ever consider what other people think/say about you? i'm pretty sure i've got laughed at at least one or two times because my mom couldn't read. (deny that people are that mean ALL you want but i KNOW that part of you knows the truth and has to be ashamed) but consider if she really can't read (which i'm almost positive she can- i'm pretty sure she can't comprehend everything though- playing stupid all these years.. more than likely because my grandma enabled it outta guilt because she thought it was HER fault that she was born with nuchal chord complications)- someone HAS to be reading my blog and telling her what i say- at first i thought it might've been her boyfriend until my sister called me telling me she found him looking at child porn on the computer my mom inherited from my grandma.. but now i'm almost positive that it HAS to be the only other loser on this planet who actually cares what her big sissy does- my imbecile sister. i'm not sure if she's hoping to take my boyfriend away from me or threaten him like she did to zack and he hit on her- so it couldn't have been too scary. my boyfriend is too busy working and i'm positive that my mom is afraid of him since she's ignorant like that- which just attracted me to him MORE. so go ahead and stalk me until you find out his identity but i can guarantee you that he's not gonna hit on you or be remotely attracted to you. which actually makes me like him more. i highly doubt he's a chubby chaser like zack was. speaking of "chubby" though.. fredrick said to me today while i was in my place, trying to hold my pants up (so they wouldn't fall and show my panties), "YOU'RE STARTING TO LOSE WEIGHT! WHAT HAPPENED?! I USED TO HAVE YOU LIKE A GORDA!.. NOW YOU'RE LITTLE AGAIN! YOU DON'T EAT!" and i said, "heh.. yes i do. i think it's because i probably have my dad's metabolism. he was pretty skinny from the pictures i've seen of him and my mom was kinda chunky." then he said he was gonna feed me ugali like he always used to do and i told him that i looked up ugali on the internet a while ago and it said that people eat it to gain weight and i said that when i read that, i said to myself, "THAT'S WHAT FREDRICK GIVES ME ALL THE TIME!" so he said he's gonna start making it for me along with chicken and cheese. i just won't eat as much of it as i used to. most of it usually ends up in the toilet anyway.

communication is the key?

i just spoke with my psychologist and she sees EXACTLY what i've been saying to her the whole time i think i've known her. i told her about how amanda just assumes that she's being supportive and helpful to me because she ASSUMES she knows what is the correct way to do things and what i SHOULD be concerned about- i'm not really sure how amanda figures she knows this because i haven't spoken to her and she hasn't came over to my apartment since i lived in BURNSVILLE- and that was in 2022.. so 3 years ago. the psychologist looked confused and said, "i'm not really sure how she figures she knows what's best for you if you guys haven't spoke since you lived in burnsville. it's kinda like there's NO communication between you guys.. and you said that every time you'd call her, you'd get her voicemail and she'd never return it." I am the one with a brain injury- SHE SHOULD be the one making the effort to communicate with ME. i'm sure that's also why my psychologist was confused. if she wants to appear so damn "HELPFUL"- she'd at least communicate with me. she's too good to speak to me though. my psychologist said confused, "if she worked a few hours a day- there's ALWAYS time in the day to communicate with you. even if it's just a few minutes." it's because she doesn't really care as long as i don't fit into her little box of conveniences. i get the picture she assumed being my advocate would be just like how my grandma was to my mom- a few problems with that- my grandma acted as my mom's payee PLUS housed my mom in the apartment my grandpa owned until it was pointlessly stolen away from her because of eminent domain. whatever. she needs to learn how to live on her own SOMETIME. i'm not wasting my fucking life because my mom never did anything with her damn life. i told my psychologist how i graduated from high school with honors and went to a few different colleges but nobody (mainly amanda and my mom) seem to want to RECOGNIZE what i did for myself because it wouldn't keep me in their comfortable little bubble of depending on government assistance and living in this state. EVERYTHING i've done and got myself- I got MYSELF WITHOUT THE HELP FROM AMANDA- which is definitely not what my grandma insinuated for me. i remember when i used to talk to amanda, i told her that i hadn't spoke to jem in a few years. she's doing EXACTLY what i told her that he did and she had seemed unconvinced he actually cared about me.. so wtf is the difference between her and him when it comes to communicating with me? did she assume because i still was willing to move for him when he didn't communicate with me that she could get away with the same shit and still be considered "supportive"? oh of course she did. she's a redumplikkkan.. aka hypocrite.

early morning thoughts..

i was thinking while laying in bed this morning about how most of my relatives just assume i'm crazy and over-exaggerating about my psychological diagnonsis of when my PSYCHOLOGIST even diagnosed me with PTSD (BECAUSE ONLY SOLDIERS OF WAR GO THROUGH TRAUMATIZING EVENTS WHICH CAUSE PTSD! SO WHAT DO I KNOW? I'M JUST AN IDIOT WITH A TBI! RIGHT AMANDA AND THE REST OF MY FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE)?). i remember reading somewhere about exactly what PTSD is. it mentioned when a person has traumatizing dreams about past events in their lives. i was trying to think back if i ever told my psychologist about any dreams around the car accident i was involved in. i didn't ever really have many dreams about the car accident or around the car accident (except i may have mentioned the one dream i had of sitting in a car with zack when tim ran into the convenient store (i'm pretty sure it was the convenient store he got the beer from))- but i think i only had one dream about it a long time ago and i don't even think i was working with the current psychologist who diagnosed me with PTSD. HOWEVER- i DO remember telling her about the dreams i had which i dreamt around the last surgery i had which were about me being out at oak leaf park by the creek and my mom having me in her arms and my dad was drinking and angry about something, so he kicked his foot at my mom while he was hitting her and she deliberately turned with me in her arms, using me as a shield- so to speak, to block my dad from hitting her and trying to explain to him that he should stop because i was there and I ended up getting kicked instead of my mom. needless to say- i was hurt and my grandpa was pissed- so he went into town and chased my dad to mexico- never to be seen again. i'm not sure how much time went on between those string of events but that's pretty much what happened in my dream. so now i'm stuck with medical problems on account of immature, selfish parents who really shouldn't have ever had children in the first fucking place. my mom has NEVER taken accountability for this shit or even brought it up to me- probably because she was ashamed of it and afraid of my reaction. i'm guessing because she knows i'll ask her why she didn't try to remove me from the situation if my dad was being abusive. selfish bitch. it's no wonder why i ran off when i was 16, trying to take ANY opportunity possible to remove myself from the shitty ass life i was bound to live with my lousy excuse of a mom supposedly being there to "support" and care for me. i honestly was thinking and HOPING that ANYTHING would be better than what i was doomed to experience in life. "SHE CAN'T POSSIBLY REMEMBER THAT FAR BACK! SHE HAS A TBI! SHE'S STUPID AND WILL SAY ANYTHING!" is what i can imagine amanda is saying because she's so SMART and "caring". next time i have to go to the emergency room- i'll just tell them to bring me to a salon since they know what they're doing there and doctors and surgeons don't know ANYTHING compared to them. right amanda? my grandma CLAIMED amanda would be so "supportive" of me and she'd have me moved to new york right away and i wouldn't have to go to rehab. therapy anymore!.. more proof that my grandma was naive and overconfident. amanda figures she can just keep me going to the courage center so they can distract and deal with me instead of ACTUALLY assisting me to get me where my grandma claimed she told her she'd get me. amanda doesn't care though! it'll be too much work for her and i'm stupid with a brain injury, I'LL JUST LISTEN TO WHATEVER MY KEWLIEZ COUSIN AMANDA SAYS AND GIVE UP EVERYTHING I'VE POSSIBLY WORKED MY ASS FOR AT LEAST 15 YEARS FOR! seriously.. learn empathy. if that's not too fucking difficult and inconvenient for your selfish ass. but empathy requires INTELLIGENCE.. so i'm not sure that's your thing.

more anger.

i have to get up at like 7 to take a shower because i have a wax tomorrow and i forgot to avoid drinking pop for supper until i was about a half of the can gone. i'm trying to avoid caffeine for supper because i have a feeling it makes it more difficult for me to sleep. i drank hot cocoa today instead of the rest of the pop- so hopefully it'll somehow cancel out the caffeine's effects on me but i doubt it. my psychologist recommended i drink hot chocolate instead of pop the last time we spoke because i said i wasn't sure if it had to do with the reason i sometimes have difficulty falling asleep.
this evening (i think), i realized that my cousin amanda more than likely had me under surveillance today on facebook because that's what "caring" and "supportive" relatives do to their family members who they feel they're too good to friend on facebook/talk to them on their ACTUAL accounts. she seems to think i'm a fuckin idiot who can't see when she's logged onto her in-laws accounts spying on me. now would be about the time where she PRETENDS to be "supportive" of me actually having a job while pretending to ALWAYS be encouraging and supporting to me working a job after i haven't got fired and/or quit after more than a month because she has ABSOLUTELY NO confidence in me actually working an actual job because i'm stupid with a traumatic brain injury! right amanda?! ALL I'M CAPABLE OF BEING IS A REHABILITATION TOOL TO MAKE UNHELPFUL SORRY ASS EXCUSES OF "REHABILITATION INSTITUTES" MONEY WHILE GOING ON THE SAME USELESS MACHINES THAT EVEN MY LIVING ROOM WALL COULD OPERATE AND THINK I'M ACTUALLY BEING CONSTRUCTIVE BECAUSE I'M TOO STUPID TO WORK AN ACTUAL JOB BECAUSE I HAVE A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY WHICH MAKES ME STUPID AND SLOW! RIGHT AMANDA?! i'm convinced that my mom can actually work a real job, seeing as she obviously just learned how to read when she was aware of my blog. IT'S A MIRACLE! i went through almost all my life making excuses for her, to avoid embarassment why my mom wasn't like the parents of all my friends and other classmates with a damn JOB. she'll NEVER be someone i rely on or put confidence in because she lies for her own BENEFIT. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT SHIT AND IT'S NOT FAIR SOME LAZY ASS SHOULD GET TO RUIN THE LIVES OF PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY WANT TO WORK BY ACTING CLINGY AND AS IF SHE CARES ABOUT THEM JUST TO ACTUALLY INFLUENCE COUSINS WHO ARE ONLY WILLING TO HELP IF IT BENEFITS THEM INTO NOT MOVING TO A PLACE WHERE I, THE OWNER OF MY LIFE HAS BUSTED HER ASS OFF TO GET TO FOR AT LEAST 25 YEARS BUT THE COUSIN IGNORES WHAT SHE WANTS BECAUSE EVERYONE WILL JUST ASSUME SHE'S STUPID BECAUSE THE COUSIN ASSUMES SHE'S STUPID HERSELF (BECAUSE HER MOM CAN'T EVEN READ.. WHAT MAKES HER THINK SHE'S SMART ENOUGH TO LIVE IN ANOTHER STATE?! RIGHT AMANDA?). i'm not really sure how she thinks my brother got his job in welding.. seeing as he DOES have the SAME mom. probably because it's more convenient and beneficial of her to think of me as some handicapped idiot, so her in-laws can just do what she CLAIMED to her aunt she'd do but this is more beneficial since i AM stupid and handicapped- so i obviously don't know what's good for me.. RIGHT AMANDA?! LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING- IF I HAD LISTENED TO THOSE THERAPISTS, I WOULD STILL BE AT THE SAD EXCUSE OF A "REHABILITATION INSTITUTE" AND LIVING IN A GROUP HOME SINCE THAT'S WHERE ALL MY FUCKING CASE MANAGERS TOLD MY GRANDMA THEY WANTED TO PUT ME. MY GRANDMA LISTENED TO THEM AS GOOD AS I LISTEN TO THE THERAPISTS, DOCTORS, AND/OR ANYONE ELSE. YOU'RE NOT HELPING SHIT. YOU CAN TRY TO UNDERESTIMATE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE BUT YOU'RE JUST WASTING MY CAPABILITY AND YOU'LL HAVE A VERY MANIACAL ANGRY COUSIN TO PUT UP WITH. BUT I'M TOO FUCKING STUPID TO MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS- RIGHT AMANDA?! you are obviously projecting. just because you couldn't do half the shit i've done- does NOT mean you should stop me. NEWSFLASH: MY MOM AND I ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE. SHE HAS NOTHING BUT BAD INTENTIONS FOR ME. PROOF WOULD BE THE SURGERIES ON MY ABDOMINAL ORGANS I'VE HAD TO HAVE ON ACCOUNT OF HER PUTTING ME IN FRONT OF HER WHILE MY DAD WAS KICKING AND BEATING ON HER. THEN ACTING LIKE A FUCKING VICTIM HOLDING ME IN FRONT OF HER, ANY PARENT WHO ACTUALLY CARED ABOUT THEIR INFANT WOULD HAVE DONE EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO REMOVE THEIR INFANT FROM AN ENVIRONMENT WHICH HAD AN ANGRY, DRUNK AND ABUSIVE FATHER WHO WAS KICKING AND HITTING THE MOTHER. THAT SHIT HAPPENED SO LONG AGO! THERE'S NO WAY I WOULD REMEMBER IT RIGHT AMANDA SINCE YOU'RE SO FUCKING SMART.. EXPLAIN MY PAST TWO ABDOMINAL ORGAN SURGERIES THEN AFTER MY MOM HAD PUT ME IN FRONT OF HER WHILE MY DAD WAS KICKING HER.. HOW DO I KNOW SHE DID THAT?! I WAS THERE. YOU WEREN'T. I ALSO HAD MANY REMINSCING DREAMS OF THAT NEGLECT HAPPENING AROUND THE TIME I HAD MY LAST SURGERY. ALMOST LIKE GOD WAS TRYING TO REMIND AND EXPLAIN TO ME WHY I WAS GOING THROUGH THE SHIT I WAS. MY MOM IS TOO FUCKIN STUPID TO REALIZE THAT THOUGH! you should've assisted me to get the fuck outta this state before this shit came out about my negligent mom and abusive dad. SHE'LL ALWAYS BE A CARELESS SELFISH BUM TO ME. MY MOM SHOULD THANK YOU FOR PISSING ME OFF THAT I'VE SAID JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT COMES TO MIND. YOU THINK THIS IS BAD? I'M PROBABLY NOT DONE VENTING AND I WILL HAVE PEOPLE IN TEARS WHEN I GET DONE WITH THEM. BUT GO ATTEMPT TO PROTECT YOUR STUPID, NEGLIGENT, LAZY ASS BUM OF A COUSIN (MY MOM)!

future still unsure.

i was thinking this morning in my bathroom, while getting dressed, about how my grandma basically coddled my mom and to the reason of that. all i can think of is because she has a sense of responsibility for my mom's nuchal chord diagnosis. my grandma told me that when my mom was born, it was BEFORE the days of ultrasound- so the doctors were unaware that the umbilical chord was around my mom's neck when she was born. my grandma seemed to be an insecure, nervous woman- so i'm almost positive that had to do with her taking responsibility for it. she had planned for my mom's life to be made out as easy as possible for her (which is probably why my grandparents housed my mom in the apartment they used to own before it was taken away because of eminent domain after my grandpa died). my grandma had planned for my mom to live on the land my grandparents owned and had a house on before it burned but they had another house moved onto the land. she couldn't put the land/house in my mom's name because the government would have taken it because my mom was on social security. so my grandma left it in my brother's name. i'm sure my grandma intended on my brother keeping my mom on the land that her and my grandpa used to own but my brother didn't really think that was a good idea and he didn't want the responsibility of maintaining the land (i'm guessing because my brother and i think on the same wavelengths). he gave my mom the money that he got from selling my grandparents' house and land. what did my mom do? spent it frivolously of course! i know that because my cousin joe told me about how my mom had bought a trailer and a vehicle with the money- i'm sure her stupid ass boyfriend (at the time.. i don't really know/care if they're together now but i kinda doubt it because my sister also called me a while ago telling me how she caught my mom's boyfriend looking at child porn on the computer that my mom inherited from my grandma) convinced her to do so- and because thinking for herself is obviously too difficult for her- she went along with his idea on how to spend the money. so- i'm not the only one who makes shitty judgment and decisions!.. i got that trait from my grandma who was overconfident and just assumed things would go the way she wanted them.. (i remember her telling me after my car accident and when we were speaking to the lawyers who basically ended up robbing me.. that i would be "SO RICH!" and i'd never have to worry about money or working again!- i'm not sure i really enjoy being unemployed though- it gives me too much time to get in trouble and think negatively- my grandma was naive though and just assumed if i didn't work- i'd be careless and pampered.. that couldn't be FURTHER from the TRUTH). however.. with all this said- my mom can't come to me for ANYTHING. I am HER child.. I am SUPPOSED to be "depending" on HER.. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. i don't give a fuck if she assumes i'll be just like my grandma because we have the same attitude, to her because you know what?! I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO REGRETS. I'M NOT THE ONE WHO MADE MY MOM DISABLED. SHE NEEDS TO LEARN THAT GOD JUST DECIDED TO MAKE HER DIFFERENT FROM EVERYONE ELSE AND DEAL WITH IT. DON'T BE A BITCH. NOT drag everyone close to her DOWN with her. time to grow up and stop assuming everyone will coddle you and stay on your fucking level. YOU SHOULD BE OLD ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND THIS SHIT. most, if not ALL, of my friends from the town i grew up in have chosen not to talk to me.. probably because they don't know what's appropriate to say and have never had to deal with this kind of abuse personally before.. SO THANKS! YOU MANAGED TO RUIN MY LIFE ONCE AGAIN! which is also a BIG reason why i've always wanted to move far away from here. i even considered mexico, considering that IS where i was born but i'm still waiting for USCIS to review my case and the travel pca who just went with me to boston said that she thinks they'll probably let me go to mexico but she was unsure if the united states would let me come back for whatever reason. i'm at the step where they received my case and now they're reviewing it. however- that one guy who got deported and thrown into a VENUEZELAN prison ALSO was just waiting for USCIS to review his file when they arrested him.. so we'll see! this administration is such a joke- they'll probably arrest me and throw me in a prison. however- KILMAR ABREGO GARCIA, who they arrested and threw into a venezuelan prisoncamp sued the fuck outta the grump administration because they had NO grounds for arresting him and were just trying to make it look like the administration ACTUALLY does things for this country by deporting him (who i'm sure they made out to seem like a total criminal to naive white people). i'm pretty sure elon muskrat thrives on this shit because he loves conflict like the rest of the grump administration- so i'm not sure how long i'll remain out of a prison camp even though i AM a dual citizen (my mom is an AMERICAN CITIZEN- born and raised- and i haven't been to mexico since i was born.. so i don't know ANYONE there). i'm gonna go do the exercises i was given and watch fresh prince now.