i've had it.

i read my email and i got an email from amy.. she was talking to zen (the ics worker) and asked him if the people at the number we called to ask about insurance said how long it'd take for my insurance to kick in. i KNOW she asked him this question on the phone during our last ics meeting and he told her what they told him (that it'd kick in within 24 hrs. and the waiver services could take 3-4 months to kick in).. HOWEVER- that'd totally defeat the purpose of her dragging her feet by asking questions she ALREADY ASKED, so it takes longer and i'll miss the deadline. IF i happen to miss this opportunity at this apartment, i'm gonna promise you that i WILL be switching banks so i have a different trustee. i've also told my cousin joe (the ONLY cousin who REALLY cares about me because he supports MY goals and choices) and he said i should file a complaint and he asked which bank she works at. stop trying to distract me, so i miss the deadline because YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO YOUR FUCKIN JOB PROPERLY. i suppose i could take advantage of people underestimating my intelligence and pull some shit under your noses.. amanda and amy- since you both seem to think you're smarter than me and shut down all of my goals and aspirations JUST for your convenience so YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOW CONCERN AT ALL AND TO MAKE MY SITUATION IN LIFE EASIER FOR YOU (TOTALLY IGNORING THE FACT THAT THIS IS MY LIFE- NOT WHATEVER'S MORE CONVENIENT AND BENEFICIAL TO YOU OR TO MAKE ME INTO A MINI-TRACY TO MAKE THINGS EASIER FOR US (amanda and my mom) IN LIFE BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING BUT HER DAMN DOGS, SMOKING CIGARETTES, AND DRINKING PEPSI). another reason why i want to get the hell outta this stupid state because you're both entitled pretentious pricks who act like you're concerned about me just to make yourselves look good when it benefits you. drop the bullshit before i DROP BOTH OF YOU. i register for massachusetts housing back in 2022 and i was told my name would come up in like 10 years- NOW THAT IT COMES UP.. NO ONE WANTS TO DO THEIR DAMN JOBS AND ASSIST ME WITH TAKING THE OPPORTUNITY. AMY CLAIMS, "OH YOU JUST APPLIED TO THIS A FEW MONTHS AGO? WE CAN JUST REJECT IT AND WAIT 3-5 YEARS!" no.. this is MY life- NOT WHATEVER IS MORE CONVENIENT FOR YOU AND PEOPLE WHO ARE TOO ENTITLED AND BUSY TO CARE ABOUT WHAT I WANT'S LIFE. I'LL BE FORTY FUCKIN YEARS OLD IN JULY AND I HAVEN'T EVEN GOT MARRIED OR HAD KIDS YET. so you have the opportunity to actually do your job CORRECTLY and make sure i have a travel pca along with airline tickets by friday (when the deadline was pushed back to) or i'm getting a new bank to handle my trust and/or speaking to your supervisor- which brian always told me that he was the supervisor when i asked him for his supervisor's #.. so i could try to contact brian or the bank itself and figure it out. my cousin joe would help me because he actually cares about me- UNLIKE THE REST OF MY SELFISH FAMILY MEMBERS.

time frames

i was just thinking while i was eating supper tonight about how zen estimated that the apartment in concord would take a couple of years to get into about 3 months or so ago when i applied there. now that they've told me i basically have the apartment (from my understanding)- he says i'll get moved in there in about 3 or 4 months.. i'm not sure if he's bad at estimating time it takes to live places or if he's just making up a number so i don't get my hopes up too early? if he doesn't know- i think it's better for him to admit he doesn't know instead of basically letting me down with the estimation. oh well.. i have enough intelligence not to think he knows the time it will take, although it's kinda nice knowing about how long it'd take- not just guesses. i've been re-posting the videos i have of myself first walking at the courage center back when i was going there- the file has the date #'s in it- they go all the way back to 2013.. so that's THIRTEEN YEARS AGO. SO TO ANY FAMILY MEMBERS WANTING ME TO GO BACK TO COURAGE KENNY.. I'M DONE WITH THAT SHIT. THIRTEEN MOTHER FUCKIN YEARS AGO. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT OR DO YOU NEED YOUR IN-LAWS TO EXPLAIN THAT TO YOU? WELL THEY'LL PROBABLY JUST TRY TO DISREGARD THE WORK I'VE ALREADY DONE (that's also a type of mental abuse.. BECAUSE EVERYONE REALIZES HOW MUCH THEY TRY TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF CLIENTS- SO THEY STOP GOING THERE AND COURAGE KENNY IS JUST DESPERATE FOR CLIENTS SO THEY LIE AND IGNORE THE TIME AND WORK THEIR PAST CLIENTS HAVE ALREADY DONE. they use the term "gaslighting" to explain that kind of psychological ABUSE. AMANDA SHOULD KNOW THAT THOUGH SINCE SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING! how the hell would SHE like to have all the hard work she's done ignored so people that don't care about her can take advantage of her by ignoring it.. ALSO why i say she LACKS empathy.) this is the shit i'm expected to take while staying in this stupid goalless state for other people's convenience and benefit. so i hope jem can see why it's taken so long for me to finally get there. by now- i don't need a bungee on me to hold me up while i walk. i fall every now and then but i always get my ass back up. "DON'T BE A BITCH." in the words of kevin hart.. so i DON'T stay down and play victim like certain parents like to be viewed for attention. for anyone who truly cares about me- they have knowledge that i've progressed PAST that bullshit at courage kenny seeing as i've found videos which are THIRTEEN YEARS OLD. amanda doesn't have time to take knowledge of that as long as i look disabled, she can play their game and ignore ALL the work i've done already so she can look "caring" or "supportive" or wtf else she wants to look when she can't even check on me when i have the emergency room call her when i went a while ago. i don't remember the last time i spoke to her and i'm not even gonna waste my time trying to call her because SHE DOESN'T RETURN CALLS and i don't wanna look like i'm begging for attention from someone who doesn't give a shit. so go make up lies to all our relatives and cooliez hair stylist buddies telling them shit that isn't true because i don't even remember the last time i spoke to her. GOD FORBID THAT I ACTUALLY FIND A PLACE TO LIVE WHICH ISN'T IN THIS OPPORTUNITY-LESS STATE THAT DOESN'T MAKE HER OR ANY OF MY OTHER NEGLIGENT FAMILY MEMBERS APPEAR "CARING"! har har har.. she's not gonna move outta this state! she's not smart enough to do so.. isn't that what you told dustin?! I CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT YOUR EGOTISTICAL ASSISTANCE. i'm stupid compared to you because i have a brain injury and YOU DON'T. RIGHT? i'm not qualified to do anything but mindlessly attend courage kenny and let them take advantage of my advocate-less ass. SO I'M BETTING THAT GETS YOU POINTS WITH YOUR IN-LAW BECAUSE YOU GOT HER ANOTHER CLIENT SHE CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF AND KEEP HER THERE, DOING THE SAME UNHELPFUL SHIT WHILE BEING PAID BY INSURANCE TO HELP HER BUT SHE'S STUPID BECAUSE SHE HAS A TRAUMATIC *BRAIN* INJURY- SO THAT MEANS SHE CAN'T POSSIBLY BE ANY SMARTER THAN YOUR ENTITLED SELF AND SHE CAN'T POSSIBLY HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO WITH HER LIFE BUT WASTE HER TIME AT SOME FACILITY WHO REFUSES TO ACKNOWLEDGE HER ABILITY AND CAPABILITY! SHE'S STUPID BECAUSE SHE HAS A BRAIN INJURY!

HOPEFULLY they hold it.

i had ics this morning and i told zen about my trustee not really trusting what i said when i told her about what the insurance people from boston said to me. he said, "well.. what did you tell her they said?" and i told him what they said to me and zen said, "uh.. yeah that's what they told me too." then i said, "i'm not sure she believes what i said for sure because of my memory problems and my traumatic brain injury.." then he said, "alright. we can call her and see what she wants us to do.. i'll also email her." so we called her and she was busy, so we had to be connected to her voicemail and i left her a voicemail and zen spoke also. so this is just further proof why it's took so damn long to get outta this state. people act concerned to protect their jobs. i spoke to my cousin joe last night and he asked me what she's getting outta me staying in this state.. which is exactly the question that came to my mind also. i told him how i read that mice can make people sick from getting in their homes and i see at least two mice a day in my apartment and i've been sneezing along with having a stuffed nose. i'm positive that joe would help me as much as he could when i move. at least i have one family member who ACTUALLY makes an effort and CARES about me. zen told me that i'd be moving to boston by today, then he told me next friday, now i overheard him say 3 or 4 months.. i'm pretty sure it's mostly to make sure i actually have insurance. i just hope the apartment doesn't give away the unit i plan on getting.

WHERE DID MY VIDEOS GO?! THE RAT KNOWS!

i find it irritating as fuck that i'm being forced to upload all of my damn videos of me learning how to walk again at the courage center. ALL of them were deleted a while ago. i just assume it's because elon muskrat is a greedy dick who enjoys taking advantage of the vulnerable- also like courage kenny (formerly courage center). so i'm just putting two and two together because i uploaded them back when i was still wasting my time at courage kenny but i found them mysteriously DELETED a few months ago. so when i've been reposting the videos- i always get some of my facebook friends that probably weren't familiar with me attending there a long time ago complimenting me on walking. i'm 95% ambulatory and the only reason why it's not 100% is because i tend to lose my balance sometimes still and i use a cane to assist me in walking so my legs don't get so tired. i'm pretty ambulatory- i have my four-wheeled walker just in case shit happens because i tend to have bad luck in life. it just annoys me because stupid facebook is just enabling people's negligence to me and i get the idea amanda assumes i'm still wheelchair dependant because she doesn't care enough to keep contact with me. I HAVEN'T OWNED A DAMN WHEELCHAIR IN AT LEAST FIVE YEARS. YOU CAN'T FORCE ME TO SIT IN ONE.. IF YOU WANNA SEE SOMEONE IN A DAMN WHEELCHAIR SO BAD- *YOU* SIT YOUR ASS IN ONE AND YOU'LL EVENTUALLY SEE HOW BAD YOUR ASS HURTS AFTER A WHILE. everyone else more than likely just assumes i'm not capable of doing a lot of tasks just because of what they seen on facebook. people just assume shit about me because it's easier than actually taking the effort and finding out themdamnselves and ASKING ME. plus- those fucking videos are at least TEN years old. the last time i wasted my time at courage kenny had to be over TEN years ago. every damn time i've been ordered to have physical therapy (like after my last surgery), i ALWAYS stress that i DON'T want to attend courage kenny.. so they're always scheduled at health partners clinics. i'm pretty sure everyone who ACTUALLY cares about me know that i'm no longer attending courage kenny because they take advantage of vulnerable adults who are unadvocated for JUST so they can make money off them. they don't let a client progress in rehabilitation unless they have advocacy, so the advocacy can stroke their dicks. screw all the vulnerable adults without advocacy! NO ONE CARES ABOUT THEM, SO WHY SHOULD WE?! another reason why i completely refuse to waste my time doing the same old shit which really doesn't help me. I'M A HUMAN BEING TOO. NOT JUST SOMEONE YOU CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF JUST TO GET MONEY. so I'VE MOVED ON WITH MY LIFE. if you don't like it- go screw yourself. plus, amanda just takes this opportunity to act like a caring and supportive relative because her in-law works at courage kenny. so I'M JUST HELPING EVERYONE ELSE LOOK GOOD BY MINIMIZING MY ABILITY AND POTENTIAL! HOT DOG! WIN WIN FOR ME. *ROLLS EYES* IF YOU THINK SO- DON'T EVEN BOTHER TALKING TO ME AGAIN BECAUSE YOU LOST THE POINT OF MY POST. IT'S NOT FAIR THAT I SHOULD HAVE TO FORCE MYSELF TO BE DISABLED JUST TO MAKE OTHER PEOPLE WHO DON'T EVEN GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ME ACTUALLY APPEAR "LOVING" AND "CARING". that explains my mom, amanda, and all my other family members (except for jay and joe- who ACTUALLY talk to ME). PLUS- the fact that i'm ALMOST FORTY and i still am not married and haven't had kids because I'M NOT INTERESTED IN THIS PARTICULAR AREA OF THE COUNTRY keeps coming up in my mind. why's that you ask? BECAUSE I'M NOT JUST SETTLING FOR SOMETHING JUST BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING. divorces cost money and lives sometimes.. i'm not interested in that shit just because i wanted to be like everyone else.

stipulations.

i called my trustee and she said that she'd pay for a trip to go see the apartment that i've been told i'm eligible for if i called and figured out if i could get medical coverage. so i called the ics and they gave me the phone number to call to find out, i called them and the lady said they can't cover me until i have a massachusetts residence address, i told her i lived in my own apartment in minnesota and my trustee told me she wouldn't pay for an airline ticket to go see the apartment until i checked that i'd get medical insurance and how long it'd take to kick in. the lady said, "oh.. well, tell her we need a massachusetts residence address before we'd cover you but as soon as you get a valid massachusetts address." i got off the phone with her and i told amy what they said and i don't think she believes me because she asked me if i could have an ics worker on the other line while talking to them. i said that i didn't have ics until tomorrow but i'd call and ask them. so after i got off the phone with her, i called ics and i asked them if they could call the health agency number they gave me and help me to ask them the questions amy was concerned about like if i got any waivers (similar to minnesota's) and if it was medical assistance or they just assumed i'd be working right away and the insurance would be through the job. the ics worker asked me when i wanted to call and i said we could call tomorrow during my ics time but i just remembered- i'm not sure if they're open on fridays because it feels like i've done this before and they were closed on friday, saturday, and sunday.. hopefully not. i just hope the apartment in massachusetts didn't give it to someone else. i'm not sure how i can make sure of that. maybe i'll email the program manager and let her know where i'm at so she doesn't give the apartment away if she hasn't already.

I CAN'T HAVE A LIFE THAT ISN'T CONVENIENT FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT ME!

i spoke to my trustee this morning and she said that she didn't wanna see me move and then change my mind and have to move back because i have all these services i'd need to get set back up. she said to me, "you just applied to this housing program didn't you? like 3 or 4 months ago and they came up with housing for you.. you could just reject this offer and work on getting insurance and other services set up in 2 or 3 years and you'd be fine!" i'm not sure WHO the hell she thinks she's talking to- a spring chicken who's in their 20's and have all the time in the world? i'll be FORTY in july.. I DON'T HAVE ALL THE FUCKIN TIME IN THE WORLD. OH! BUT IT'S OKAY TO PUT MY GOALS AND LIFE ON THE BACK BURNER FOR MY SUPPOSED "CARE" TEAM'S CONVENIENCE!.. GIVE ME A FUCKIN BREAK. i logged onto my champs account and found out when i first registered with them- SEPTEMBER 15 2022 WAS MY FIRST APPLICATION IN THE HOUSING COMPANY. I DON'T HAVE ALL THE FUCKIN TIME IN THE WORLD. NO WONDER WHY SO MANY PEOPLE WITH BRAIN INJURIES COMMIT SUICIDE. they get so frustrated with depending on other people for assistance and those people just help them when it's CONVENIENT or BENEFICIAL to them. i'm NOT waiting another 2 or 3 years when it's convenient for other people to help me.. the story will probably change in 2 or 3 years and people will be like "OH! YOU'VE ALREADY WAITED 2 OR 3 YEARS.. WHAT'S 2 OR 3 MORE YEARS?!" and the cycle will just continue. i want a new trustee who will ACTUALLY be willing to help me RIGHT NOW. I'M NOT A SPRING CHICKEN. I'M MORE THAN LIKELY CLOSE TO MENOPAUSE.. THEN PEOPLE CAN SHOVE ME IN A NURSING HOME BECAUSE NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ANYWAY! I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL THAT I'M ALIVE THOUGH! TO BE TOLD WHERE I CAN LIVE AND HAVE PEOPLE CARE AND HELP ME AT THEIR OWN CONVENIENCE! THIS IS THE FUCKIN LIFE!.. shut up, you might as well have put me in a damn coffin and lowered it in the ground because i'd recieve the same amount of "care" in both locations! maybe i'll get so sick from the mice that i'll die.

transition?

well.. i just called amy to tell her about how i'm getting sick from the mice in my apartment (i'm no doctor but all i smell right now is something that could be mouse piss- it smells kinda like poisoning mixed with a sweet-urine type smell). i don't know though- it might be somethin else but i've been seeing a lot of mice around my apartment lately- i'd say AT LEAST ONE a day. i used to just shrug it off because i just thought they weren't hurting anything, they just wanted to get warm until i read on msn.com about how mice droppings and urine can make you sick. this place looks fine to live in but i've been sneezing and blowing my nose a lot lately and i THOUGHT it was just allergies but i take medicine for allergies, so i'm not sure if they aren't working or if it's the mice. amy is arranging for me to take the trip next week i think. she said she'll call the travel pca and HOPEFULLY get everything arranged to take a trip next week to boston. she told me that she didn't want me to end up giving up my services for a place where i'd just lose all the services and i'd end up not even liking it. i'm sure i could get the same services.. i'd probably just need to see if i can get a case worker to help me arrange them all. i thought it'd just transition over from state to state but i'm not really positive (because when i move to a different city and it's in a different county- it just transitions over to a different person doing the same job). i'm not positive though. it may be different between different states.

SICK OF THIS SHIT.. LITERALLY.

i got this message from concord housing telling me that if i didn't accept the housing offer they gave me in two days, i'd lose the opportunity at housing. i was just reading something on msn.com about mice coming into houses while fredrick and i went out for pizza. i read how they live in the walls and you can get sick from mice droppings and urine. i've been seeing mice around my apartment recently and fredrick actually just killed one today about an hour ago in the corner of my kitchen with a broom. i woke up sneezing and with a stuffy nose. fredrick blamed it on douglas but i don't remember douglas being sick when he came over to my place last. i swear i hear those little fuckers in my wall and i was beating on my wall one day when i heard noises and one of the ics workers asked me what i was doing and i said i heard mice in the wall, the pca disregarded it and said it was the heater. so when douglas was trying to sleep in my bed one day, he said, "I CAN'T SLEEP BECAUSE OF THEM NOISES IN THE WALL! WHAT IS THAT?!" then i said, "the ics workers told me it was the heaters." so, my health is being effected by staying here but MY TRUSTEE IS OFF ON VACATION BECAUSE SHE'S NOT CONCERNED ABOUT ONE OF HER CLIENTS LOOKING INTO MOVING WHERE THE CLIENT WANTS (NOT THE CLIENT'S NEGLECTFUL FAMILY WHO ONLY CARES ABOUT LOOKING LIKE A "HAPPY FAMILY" SO THEY DON'T WANNA ASSIST THEIR FAMILY MEMBER IN FINDING SOMEWHERE THE CLIENT ACTUALLY WANTS TO LIVE BECAUSE IT'S TOO INCONVENIENT AND THEY ONLY PAY ATTENTION TO THAT PARTICULAR FAMILY MEMBER WHEN IT'S BENEFICIAL OR CONVENIENT FOR THEM). THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF NEGLECT IF I CAN THINK OF ONE. JUST AS LONG AS IT MAKES AMANDA AND MY MOM LOOK GOOD AS LONG AS IT'S BENEFICIAL FOR THEM AND CONVENIENT FOR THEM. i'm going to figure out a way to accept the offer before seeing it because the longer i stay here, the more sick i'll get. i told the management about the mice and they laid down traps and poison.. i'm pretty sure all the poison is gone now and i think all the traps already got mice stuck in them- so i don't have anymore. WHO GIVES A SHIT THOUGH! KEEP STACY IN AN UNOPPORTUNISTIC STATE BECAUSE NO ONE REALLY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT HER ANYWAY= SHE'S MENTALLLY HANDICAPPED! SHE HAS A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY! SHE CAN'T POSSIBLY HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO!

new deadline.. my "care" team probably DOESN'T *CARE* though.

i looked at pictures of the apartment the lady offered online and it looks like a place i could see myself living in, i'm pretty sure i'll be able to fit all of my furniture in it- which is actually a rarity for city apartments (i had to get rid of several things just to live in this apartment i'm in now in st. paul). the only thing i'm kinda on the edge about is that i read something that said "senior living" on the same page as the apartment i'm being offered is on.. so i may just get stuck with a bunch of old people like when i lived in the first independent living program i lived in which was located in minneapolis and i ended up getting stuck living there for at least 10 years i think.. i just agreed to live there because it was the very first apartment i viewed and i was anxious to get outta my mom's house. so right now, i'm anxious but not as desperate as i was when i was living with mrs. smokey magee. however- i'm annoyed with my mom and/or my fat sister stalking me and more than likely attempting to mimic me. if you're gonna mimic me- you gotta get out and volunteer your time at several different places like i do or you are and will NEVER be ANYTHING like me. you also gotta stop the racism/being scared of black people because i happen to have something big and black pounding the fuck outta my vagina recently. he likes to call it his "BBD".. so.. you can't attempt to mimic me unless you mimic EVERYTHING. besides- the positive note from a few days ago urged me to take risks because it could be something that'll be greater than i could ever imagine my life being. i'm pretty sure i need to personally go to the apartment to sign the papers by the new deadline of march 13th. i don't wanna give up this opportunity to lose a chance at a nice apartment in massachusetts which is affordable just because my "care" team are listening to my damn family OVER their ACTUAL client so they think their jobs would be easier. there WILL be many, many more medical appointments and bills if i'm forced to give up opportunities which are REALLY MY decisions. that's funny.. i don't remember my fake ass narcissistic mom or amanda's entitled ass next to me in the car when i was in the accident i was in.. no.. must be the TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY i personally experienced as a result of it or something.. amanda's much too entitled and SMART to ever make a stupid decision to get in the car with a drunk driver and my mom is too afraid of her own damn shadow to do something like that.

*ONLY* the *FIRST* offer

zen reminded me again today that i COULD reject the apartment that they're showing me next week because they give me THREE offers (choices of housing). i looked at pictures online of the apartment they offered me and the place looks habitable to me- it's nothin special (i wouldn't necessarily want anything special- just not like roach and mice infested.. like my very first apartment in minneapolis), i'm just not sure of the accomodating features because i don't remember how the counters looked and i remember specifically looking at the bathroom pictures because i know the bathroom that i currently have- i've fell off the toilet into the bath a few times (it feels like i did around the time when i first moved into this apartment, i think i got used to being cautious of my surroundings now though). they mentioned an accessible apartment but i'm not sure they're gonna give me an accessible apartment seeing as i remember reading they only had TWO accessible apartments in this building. i've just been utilizing the space i've been given in the past apartments i've lived in so far in minnesota. heh.. fredrick just flipped the month to my bob's burgers calendar on the wall next to my computer desk and he said to me after he did, "the woman on here resembles you." it's a picture of teddy, bob, and linda.. so i'm guessing he's referring to linda. the only similarities i see between us two is the color of our hair and she wears glasses also.. my glasses are somewhat the same color as her's.. not really a bright pink though- they're dark red/maroon. i remember thinking about this while eating breakfast a while ago- the belcher family resembles my family sort of (except my brother and i have different dads than my sister, but i'm sure louise could resemble my sister when my sister was younger if she had brown hair). my mom really looks nothing like linda though- she has blonde hair and is short and chunky. linda has black hair and is tall and skinny. those two are the differences of our families (when my brother was younger- he was kinda chunky like gene and i didn't start wearing glasses like tina until AFTER the car accident that i was in). these are the kind of thoughts that run through my head during the day. i don't have anything really more important to do with my time during the day- which i hope to change when i move to massachusetts.

i got a response!

i checked my email this morning in bed and i received an email from the program manager of the apartment i'm moving to in massachusetts. she said that they expected me to sign papers personally to move into the apartment next week. so at least they gave me an extension because they originally expected me to sign the papers on monday of this week. i'm trying to make sure that i got EVERYTHING transferred over- i hope i'm not forgetting anything. the ics worker said that we'll look over the email when i see them for my appointment today. the job coach who's taking over my previous job coach's job texted me this morning also. she was checking to see if we're still meeting and we'd talk about me "possibly moving" at the meeting. i hope i can have a job coach when i get to massachusetts because they actually assist me in finding jobs in a more organized fashion and they have resources at finding jobs. i told zen that i needed to transfer my cable and internet over and he said that it'd be easy to switch it over- we can't switch it over until i know an absolute address (apartment number and all)- which is pretty much what i figured. i can't really think of anything else right now.. there's more than likely something i'm forgetting but hopefully it'll be brought to attention before i actually move- so it's not difficult to get.
i find it moderately amusing that the traffic to this site went down as soon as i got an apartment in massachusetts. it's like.. people read it JUST to see me struggling and were just interested in seeing bad things happening to me but as soon as i come across an opportunity to make my life BETTER- they (i'm assuming it's nosey family members because no one else is really interested in what happens to me to amuse themselves with) are suddenly UNINTERESTED! *gasp* if THAT is TRULY "love".. they can keep it- i'll pass. joe is the ONLY relative who expressed his happiness and support for me when i told him. can't say that i'm not surprised. an example of what helped me and motivated me to get outta this UNOPPORTUNISTIC state. thanks a lot dicks. you made me realize how much i didn't have in this state if shit happens. you guys are great.

i'm NOT gonna live *ANYONE*'S life but *MY* own. if i'm forced to downgrade *MY* goals.. we'll see how much of my life i'll have left- THANKS TO AMANDA

i'm hopefully getting prepared to move. *GASP* what am i thinking?! who do i think i am thinking I can live MY life how I want?! pfft.. i'll never make it- ISN'T THAT RIGHT AMANDA?! YOU ARE PART OF THE REASON WHY I'M GETTING OUTTA THIS UNOPPORTUNISTIC STATE. *GASP* I BELONG AT COURAGE KENNY LIKE A MENTALLY HANDICAPPED MINDLESS CLIENT SO I CAN MAKE *YOUR* LIFE EASIER BY NOT HAVING MY MOM CALL YOU AND YOUR MOM WHINING ABOUT HOW MUCH SHE SUPPOSEDLY MISSES ME. I'M TOO STUPID TO HAVE MY OWN GOALS! I DO HAVE A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY SO THAT MAKES ME MENTALLY HANDICAPPED! RIGHT AMANDA?! NO ONE CAN BE AS SMART AS YOU! WHO IN THE HELL DO I THINK I AM?! this morning when i was listening to the breakfast club this morning- the positive note of the day was about how it's rewarding to take risks because the risk could be an opportunity to make your life the best life you can imagine (something around that meaning.. i have a bad memory.. so i don't remember EXACTLY what it was.. this is ironic because if i don't take the risk of moving to boston- my life will more than likely become an uneventful one where i end up drinking pepsi and smoking cigarettes while talking to my dogs which will drive me to end it).
this business at mall of america is interested in hiring me. i spoke to the guy about the job about 10 minutes ago and i'm more than capable of performing the tasks this job asks except i might get tired if i escort guests from the store to the bus stop all the time but i'm not sure if there's some way i can get around that- the guy i spoke to today about the job is going to check on it. i'm also not sure how much longer i'll be in this state because i remember zen telling me that he'd help me check out the apartment in concord this week because they have a deadline i have til i can PERSONALLY accept the apartment and view it so i can sign papers personally but zen asked the lady for an extension and she hasn't gotten back to us about that yet.

Proof!

furthermore- the fact that i STILL don't have my driver's license back here in minnesota is just MORE proof of the LACK of care and love i receive from my family (who is expected to HELP their "loved" ones to get EVERYTHING to help them be SUCCESSFUL and truly HAPPY) that's OVER TWENTY THREE YEARS SINCE I GOT A TBI. my family clearly doesn't care about me- the furthest i'm able to get is my permit and i'll probably be forced to take the knowledge test again in massachusetts. hopefully it's easier to get my drivers license there compared to unhelpful ass minnesota.

advocacy issues- WHAT'S NEW?!

okay.. tomorrow afternoon i go to have another driving evaluation. this time it's not at that pathetic overrated excuse of a "rehabilitation center"- who is simply MORE concerned about taking advantage of clients who lack advocacy rather than ACTUALLY assisting EVERYONE (regardless of how "good" they'll make them look) progress and succeed. the person who my grandma CLAIMED would assist me in getting my driver's license back again, along with a vehicle I could drive- neglects me and ignores what she told the aunt who she SUPPOSEDLY cares about would do. i've went through that pathetic excuse of a rehab. center's driving program AT LEAST TWICE and failed BOTH times with the comment "needs more therapy".. i KNOW of people who aren't ambulatory who the courage center approved to drive.. why's that? they ACTUALLY had ADVOCACY to stroke courage kenny's dicks. if the people tomorrow don't give me my license back tomorrow- just further proof that this state tries to take advantage of the unadvocated and vulnerable clients. you're honestly NOT proving anything but your poor judgment and incompetence of the health care of minnesota which is enabled to take advantage of their most vulnerable clients who have taken ALL the steps in order to advance to the next stage by naive, negligent twats of relatives of the clients but they're too fucking incompetent, so they falsely lie just to keep vulnerable people depending on them and naive careless relatives just eat what they say up because IT'S NOT THEIR PROBLEMS PERSONALLY! hopefully it'll be different tomorrow considering i'm going to a different place than those asses at courage kenny. more proof that nobody gives a damn about me in this state.