SILLY ME!

MY MISTAKE! I FORGOT REALITY! NO ONE that's in charge of my finances REALLY cares about me. amy called me this afternoon and told me she asked brit the cost of going to mexico and she said it was like 30 thousand if i remember right. so i don't know what the hell i'm gonna do for my 40th birthday. NOBODY CARES THOUGH! i could cut it short at 39 and NOBODY WOULD CARE! of course my mom would play victim for attention as usual.. so i don't really feel like her acting like she actually cared about me to get sympathy/attention. i'm also thinking that amy would try to go around my wishes to give my brother everything else of mine remaining and either try to take the money for herself or the state.. or maybe both. so i don't really feel like enriching either of those parties because of my demise. i'm sure amy is talking outta her ass because i'm pretty sure i remember her saying a trip to mexico was alright and she tried to tell me that i already just took a trip to boston this year- she finds the ability to gaslight me into thinking i already took a trip this year just so it appears she's ACTUALLY doing her job professionally and enriching me. luckily- i shut it down because i suspected she'd try to pull that outta her ass, so i checked facebook and my cell phone pictures for the dates of the boston pictures before she tried to talk to me like i was stupid and i'd just believe everything she said.. just so she knows- gaslighting IS a form of psychological abuse. so she's causing me psychological abuse for her own benefit.. WHAT A SURPRISE! *rolls eyes* oo! something MORE to talk to my psychologist about! maybe she can help me make sure i have someone who ACTUALLY cares about me handling my finances.

interviews and zero support.. what a HAPPY BIRTHDAY i'll have.

i just had a phone interview with some cell phone company. i also applied for some princess shop for little girls and after i entered the application in a while ago, i remembered that i was pretty sure i had an interview with them when i told them i got irritated with people acting wild after they asked me if there was anything i disliked. so they obviously didn't hire me then.. so i'll just avoid telling them that during this next interview.
i also called amy this morning while i was in bed and i asked her if she made arrangements for me to take the trip to mexico yet. this is what irritates me about people dealing with me- they drag their feet intentionally with an intention for me to just forget my plans since IT WASN'T THEIR PLANS. i think it was the people at sabathani that i told about wanting to make plans for a trip to mexico for my birthday and they said, "OH! THAT'S A GOOD PLAN! WHICH BIRTHDAY IS IT FOR YOU?!" and then i said, "40th." then they said, "OH! SO IT'S PRETTY SPECIAL THEN!" considering i don't remember ever having my birthday celebrated since i was a kid, since i'm almost positive no one cares that much about me to throw a birthday party or celebrate my birthday with me- i'll just celebrate it myself. what better place then the place i was born especially since i haven't been there since i was born?! this is also evidence that people don't care about me in this state- they can't even remember/celebrate my FORTIETH birthday with me (i'm sure that everyone i know of didn't know it was my FORTIETH birthday because IT'S JUST STACY! SHE'LL BE HAPPY WITH US JUST WISHING HER HAPPY BIRTHDAY ON FACEBOOK! WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?! right amanda?). i was thinking about how amy acts to me and i'm almost positive that amanda hired her just by seeing how she works with me. YOU PEOPLE THINK YOU CAN MAKE ME ACT JUST LIKE YOU IF YOU CONTROL THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO BE "HELPING" ME. i'll have them begging to drop me as a client if i need to. i don't know HOW my grandma convinced you to ever take her spot, ESPECIALLY since you're NOT doing what she CLAIMED you'd do every night i spoke to her on the phone for the last year or so of her life. it's just surprising that i managed to live forty damn years of my life with this complete LACK of care and support in my life. you people wonder why i ran away when i was 16. just because you think something is true about someone DOESN'T make it true.

I NEED SLEEP.

i woke up at like 3 am to take a piss, then i returned to my bed and looked to see if dragonballz was on because it's usually been on when i wake up in the morning- it WAS on at 4, so i set my alarm in case i couldn't wake up for the show but then i had to cancel the damn alarm because i couldn't fall asleep naturally. so i watched the two episodes and managed to fall asleep afterward. it irritates me that my grandma assumed i was stupid enough to believe everything she said and she tried to make having to sleep with a cpap sound "cool", she assumed she'd get me psyched about having to depend on a fucking machine to help me breathe properly so i could actually sleep. she told me that it was "cool like a scuba diver's mask!" i didn't seem interested in it at all but if that's what i need to just fall asleep- i'll try anything. the supervisor of the assisted living program that i first lived in minneapolis would always have to tell all my doctors who wanted me to use sleeping pills that sleeping pills made me act weird, she let me hear a voicemail i left her at night when i took the sleeping pills and the message was weird. i also slept walk to burnsville center in aeropostale and walked home (i'm not sure if this is when i took the sleeping pills.. i'm pretty sure it was). depending on a machine so you can actually breathe properly to fall asleep is irritating as hell- NOTHING said could EVER convince me otherwise and it pisses me off that my grandma would assume i'm stupid enough to think it is cool just because she said it was. more proof that my grandma was naive- she DID afterall put her confidence in some woman who is just as naive as her (if not more) to help me get to new york. anywhere on the east coast would be alright though.. just as long as i'm far away from the mother from hell who just wishes to keep her children on the same level as her so she has company to make their lives suck as bad as her's. the ics worker helped me call the sleep store and they told me i was eligible for a new machine since mine was older than 5 years (so that may be why the piece of shit doesn't turn on anymore). we scheduled an appointment to get a new cpap machine and the soonest we could schedule it was in august but that's better than nothin- so i took it.

Seizure bound. People getting paid to care and NOT caring!

i'm laying here in bed, wide awake because my stupid cpap machine always shuts off within like 5 seconds of turning it on and the ics worker who is supposed to help me refuses to actually help me because zen told him he shouldn't mess with lifesaving devices. SO ICS IS GETTING PAID TO DO SOMETHING THEY'RE NOT DOING! if i tell my care coordinator- he says to look at the number on the side of the machine- which me and the assistant manager did the other day and there was NO number on the side or back of the machine! i'm not getting any damn sleep and it's starting to affect my health because i felt like i was having a seizure a few days ago. it disgusts me because i tell people and they always come up with an excuse not to help me- EVEN WHEN THEY'RE GETTING PAID FOR IT!

what do you *REALLY* care about?!

okay.. just checking.. so my health alert isn't working AND neither is my cpap.. do i have a death wish or do i have a death wish? my family members act "concerned" about my safety if i'm living in a city, yet they don't seem to give a fuck about my health. i HAVE had to press my health alert in the past when i lived on marshall ave. in st. paul because i woke up and i couldn't breathe. GOOD THING PEOPLE ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT ME TO MAKE SURE ALL MY LIFE SAVING DEVICES ARE WORKING! i fell and i'm pretty sure i may have hit my head, but i managed to crawl to my room where my phone was charging and i called 911 and told them what happened. the emts came and determined i was fine because i wasn't bleeding.. they didn't even feel my head to see if there were any bumps like they usually do. i get the idea that my family just cares about looking like they actually care about my well-being because they're selfish (except joe and jay). thanks amanda! YOU GOT THIS- STRAIGHT INTO THE GRAVE!

seizures.. ANOTHER THING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR!

i forgot to mention that i've been feeling light-headed lately and tired- i'm almost positive it's because my damn cpap isn't working. i felt like the ground shifted just when i was sitting in a chair doing nothing. i remember when i had a seizure, i had the same effects on me. i just remember losing balance and i'm pretty sure i went into convulsions. although, i don't think i've had one in at least 10 years- probably more. YEAH! I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL! while the cause of the accident doesn't have any health effects which prevent him from living a normal healthy life- I who didn't have a DROP of alcohol in her system, have to deal with health consequences for the rest of my fucking life. i'm just gonna warn the woman who downgraded my injuries just to make the drunk driver feel like he didn't do anything wrong and thus, condone his actions- you should watch what you say, you're not innocent on judgment day either- ESPECIALLY NOT making those selfish comments. i don't think she paid enough for her son's mistakes making stupid comments like that. sure doesn't sound like it anyway.
i took a shower for the first time since i got my hair highlighted on friday.. when i was shampooing my hair and after i opened my eyes to see where my conditioner was, i looked in the bath and the dye was in my bathtub. when i was brushing my hair this morning, looking into the mirror- i realized the highlights DO accent my eyes like the stylist said. i didn't believe her because she lied to everyone in the salon about how they looked and i also thought, "i don't have red eyes so i doubt it." because the highlights were red but the red mixed with my natural hair color actually does accent my eyes. i just hope this dye doesn't stain my shirt because my hair was wet when i put my shirt on and there's little spots/drops of red on my white shirt now because the dye came outta my hair- well, my hair still has red in it but so does my shirt now.

consistency..

i just recently created a little database to help keep track of my job interviews, since i'm not sure if i'm consistent enough with my interviews- so the employer actually thinks i'm interested in the job. there are a few that i wasn't able to complete all the information about the job but i'm also kinda sure those jobs already made it clear that they weren't interested in hiring me. fredrick and i went to walmart to pick up some groceries and a new lock box. i kinda feel like people are purposely neglecting helping me get everything i need done like cashing my refund check. i'll just have to tell my psychologist about this tomorrow since i get the feeling people purposely neglect doing their jobs responsibly because i don't have the proper advocacy to make sure they're doing their jobs correctly. "YOU GOT THIS!" no.. i don't. I TRY TELLING PEOPLE WHAT I NEED DONE AND THEY ALWAYS FIND EXCUSES NOT TO DO IT. except fredrick- i'm pretty sure i can nag him into helping me properly but people like zen and some of the other ics workers- assume i'm too handicapped/disabled to do things- so they give themselves the right not to help me with everything i want help with. I'M SO GLAD I HAVE TO DEPEND ON PEOPLE WHO MAKE EXCUSES NOT TO HELP ME ADEQUATELY! i paid for driving lessons, i went through driving assessments, i passed the damn driver's permit test at least 3 or 4 times my whole life. people don't wanna help me because it's NOT THEIR problems. when you people learn how to be empathetic and put yourself in MY shoes- you guys can start to have a fucking opinion on what i do and how i do it. talk to your mom ALL the fuck you want about this shit but until you start to fucking put yourself in MY shoes- NOTHING YOU THINK, SAY, OR DO IS WORTH SHIT. sorry i don't wanna take after my damn mom and live off social security and welfare while being unemployed when i KNOW i'm capable of MORE. IF YOU WANNA SEE SOMEONE GO TO COURAGE KENNY SO DAMN BAD.. YOU QUIT YOUR JOB AND GO THERE EVERY DAMN DAY BEING UNDERESTIMATED AND TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF BECAUSE YOU LACK KNOWLEDGABLE ADVOCACY. WHAT'S THAT? YOU DON'T WANNA DO IT BECAUSE IT WON'T HELP YOU? WHAT A COINCIDENCE! ME EITHER! THEY FAILED ME AT LEAST 3 TIMES FOR THE DRIVING EXAM- CLAIMING I NEEDED MORE THERAPY WHEN I FUCKING ATTENDED THE STUPID FITNESS CENTER FOR AT LEAST 4 FUCKING YEARS. THE ONLY WAY I'D NEED MORE DAMN THERAPY AFTER GOING FOR THAT DAMN LONG WOULD BE IF I WAS A FUCKING VEGETABLE. i'm sick of those fuckers gaslighting me. i have the damn videos to prove that i had therapy there and i'm sure if i look back on my blog- i mentioned going there a bunch of times in the past. i'm not doing this shit anymore. i'm a human being with feelings and goals too. when i got in the car accident i was in, it's almost like i died. since minnesota has told me i don't have the cognitive skills to drive, I'LL MOVE TO A DIFFERENT STATE WHERE I DO HAVE THE PROPER SKILLS TO FUNCTION HOW IT'D HELP ME LIVE HAPPILY AND CONSTRUCTIVELY. the east coast has a better transportation system anyway and it's more available and convenient. THANKS AMANDA! YOUR CARELESSNESS AND INABILITY TO HELP ME ACTUALLY HELPED ME MAKE THIS DECISION! just an example of all the "care" and "support" i get in this state. YOU GOT THIS!

did i say too much?

i'm not sure if this will make any impact on whether i get hired or not for the job i interviewed for today. i DID mention people tend to discriminate against me and not let me do certain things because they assume that i'm too handicapped or disabled to. he just shook his head and said, "nah." so i hope he doesn't take that into consideration. he said it as if he wasn't gonna use it against me. i think and hope he considered looking on my resume that i have worked other jobs- so my disability didn't affect my ability to work. that's the only time i can remember questioning if he might hire me during the interview. my grandma would be disappointed with amanda seeing how she hasn't helped me with shit and tried to nudge me to go BACK to the place my grandma used to swear UP and DOWN that amanda would never have me go to because she'd "have YOU {ME} IN NEW YORK!". amanda enjoys lying to her elders.. kinda makes a person question her character- ESPECIALLY an elder who's older than her and truly entrusted in her to help get me to new york. oh well. not my problem. just further proof that no one gives a shit about me- which is also why zen tries to help me as little as possible. i told him a long time ago that i wanted to get my driver's license again and my previous case manager told me to ask him to help me, then i ended up taking behind-the-wheel lessons (WHICH WAS PAID OUTTA-POCKET) and the trainer told me i was capable of taking the behind-the-wheel test, i just needed someone to purchase me a vehicle- brian put the brakes on that with the excuse he couldn't purchase an unlicensed driver a vehicle. then zen and i think my care coordinator took advantage of that and had people give me a cognitive test to determine whether i can drive and i failed it. people are so damn selfish, they don't consider everything i've been through in order to get driving again and do ANYTHING at all- THEY WON'T BE SATISFIED UNTIL I'M A DAMN VEGETABLE unable to do anything- I'VE GAVE EVERYTHING TO JAY WHEN I'M GONE. YOU ALL CAN GO FUCK YOURSELVES- YOU GOT THIS!

ANOTHER interview in the books! WILL I BE SHAKIN THE SHACK?!

i just went to another interview at shake shack. it feels like i've interviewed here before (probably at a different location a LONG time ago) but then again- it ALWAYS feels like that. i'm not sure if one of my problems is consistency and keeping track of the interviews so i know when and IF i should even get back to them whether i'm hired or not- so it seems like i'm actually interested in working at the place? i was thinking about that while laying in bed this morning and i wonder if i should start to bring a notebook with me to every interview and writing down when i had the interview and when i should get back to the employer by after asking them at each interview? i don't know. i was gonna try to do something like that this interview but i forgot. i remembered where my questions to ask the employer was and i asked them when he asked me if i had any questions for him. i DID forget to ask him when he'd be getting back to me about if i got the job or not- AS USUAL. hopefully i start remembering soon because that may also be one of my biggest problems also. i hope i didn't tell him too much or say the wrong thing when he asked me questions about myself because i tend to do that. nothing stuck out too much that i can specifically remember though.

OOMPA LOOMPA DOOPITY DOO

i went to cole's salon to basically finish getting my hair highlighted today. i'm thinking i scheduled the appointment with a different stylist besides i had the conversation of how i wanted my hair to end up looking after i got it dyed and highlighted. i say that because the stylist said to me all excited, "YOU'RE GONNA BE A RED HEAD SOON! *SQUEALS* I'M SO EXCITED!" and i just looked at her thinking, "i don't wanna be a red head, ya bimbo. THAT'S WHY I'M ONLY GETTING IT HIGHLIGHTED! NOT DYED." she also had me sign an agreement saying i wouldn't sue the salon after the stylist did my hair. i kinda felt like this gave her the right to fuck my hair up as much as she wanted but i just signed it because i felt like i could just get it reversed whatever i did and i was just dying it and trimming it (my hair grows like weeds anyway- thanks to my dad's genetics). well- now i look like a fucking oompa loompa.. i'm not sure but the stylist asked me how often i washed my hair and i told her every other day and she told me, "don't wash your hair that often after these highlights. wash it once like every week for 2 or 3 weeks." so i'm probably gonna wash it once every 3 days at least. i was just thinking while waiting with the color in my hair about how a stylist must be trained to lie to all their customers because none of the people who came into the salon to get their hair done- walked out with their hair looking ANY better than it did when they came in. i laughed to myself while thinking about that when my hair was setting with the color and the lady who was doing my hair asked me what i was laughing at and i just shook my head and said, "nothin.". she told me to call her back in like 2 or 3 weeks and make an appointment to get it foiled.. i sat there and must've had a look on my face because she asked me what was wrong and i said, "WELL.. I DON'T GOT THE MONEY TO CONTINUE GETTING MY HAIR DONE. I'M NOT MADE OF MONEY." because i remember having this SAME conversation with the stylist who ended up dying my hair black that i should come in and get it foiled red, so it'd look like the color we agreed on. i also said to the stylist when she was mixing the color up to foil my hair, "i was just thinking.. getting my hair foiled now SHOULD completely cover up the gray hair i seen this morning?" then she said, "no.. this won't cover up the gray." the other stylist who i spoke to said that dying my hair black wouldn't cover up the gray but after i got it foiled- it would cover up the gray. i'm gonna check my mirror the next time i look in the mirror to see if i have any obvious gray hairs. stylists are so full of shit. amanda is proof of that. oh well- i'll just pull my hair out if i have to.
i was thinking about the possible atrial fibrillation i may have and how i googled "is irregular heart beats a sign of a stroke?" because i remember my grandma always acting concerned about me having a stroke. i kinda realized she was probably projecting her own fears of having a stroke because none of my lifestyle choices or habits lead to having strokes. i don't smoke, i don't have high blood pressure, i'm active.. which are basically the opposite of how she used to live. then google answered my question and said it was more than likely atrial fibrillation and i should get checked out for that because those are the general symptoms of heart failure. the only family member i ever remember having difficulties with their heart was my grandpa before he got diagnosed with ALS, i remember because he always had to keep this little bottle of nitroglycerin in his shirt pocket in case he had a heart attack because of the heart attacks he had. i'm not sure about my dad's side of the family because i didn't know his side of the family.. so maybe they had heart problems on that side too?

i think i remember.

i'm pretty sure that i DID go back to gillete for treatment for atrial fibrilation. i remember because i'm pretty sure the physical therapist had me on some table and scanned my body and did treatment through some kind of light treatment.

another interview.

i just got back from my interview at buffalo wild wings. it took a long time to get there, i think i arrived right on time- maybe a few minutes late but he didn't say anything. the man who interviewed me asked me the normal questions an interviewer would ask- mainly to tell him about myself. i told him my work history and asked him questions that i managed to find this interview (i couldn't find them last interview). i was correct- it WAS a bar-like environment. the man kept bringing up how workers would have to be on their feet a lot, i'm sure it was because i had my cane with me. i told him i use the cane just for assistance with balance sometimes. so i'm pretty sure he may tell me the job isn't right because i walk with a cane, even though i'm pretty sure it's illegal for employers to discriminate against me for being disabled. that's one of the things i like especially about sabathani community center- they don't look down on any disabilities and they work to help EVERYONE become successful and get opportunities. at least the guy interviewed me because i feel like i went to an interview in the same environment before and they just straight out told me they didn't think it was the right job for me. i don't even think he asked me any questions then.
i've been having pain in my chest/heart again lately (the last time i remember having this pain i lived in burnsville and i had to go to the emergency room a few times). it says having irregular heart beats are a symptom of atrial fibrillation and i feel like i got tested for that when i lived in burnsville. i feel like they might have treated me for it unless i'm just imagining it. i asked if it's a symptom of a stroke and it said that it's more than likely atrial fibrilation.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

i called amy this morning and i left her a message frustrated with how i'm not able to cash MY renter's rebate check and someone told me i had to automatically deposit in my trust. MY TRUST ABSOLUTELY REFUSED TO PAY ANY OF MY RENT. so ABSOLUTELY NONE of MY money should go to my trust. ESPECIALLY since i wanted to use that money to buy a vehicle- SINCE EVERYONE ELSE FUCKIN REFUSES TO PURCHASE A CAR FOR ME. it's like NO ONE wants me to progress in life- I GOTTA LIVE IN THIS FUCKING STATE, DEPENDING ON SOCIAL SECURITY, SMOKING CIGARETTES AND DRINKING PEPSI WHILE I TALK TO MY DOGS. SOUND FAMILIAR, MOM?! amanda is SUPPOSED to HELP me so this emotional abuse DOESN'T get passed down to me. generational trauma. "YOU GOT THIS!" is ALL i get from her as a sad excuse to be supportive. i've said this a million times- i should've died in the accident i was in. HOW'S THAT FOR "GRATEFUL", CATHY?! being forced to reduce my ability so i can rely on social security my whole life while being unemployed= THAT WOULD BE AMANDA'S MASTER PLAN FOR ME! IT SEEMED TO WORK FOR MY MOM UNTIL MY GRANDPARENTS WERE DECEASED. A HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MY MOM'S SUPPORT AND MY SORRY EXCUSE OF "SUPPORT" WHICH AMANDA IS RESPONSIBLE FOR- my grandparents ACTUALLY supported my mom FINANCIALLY and PHYSICALLY, plus they left her live in the apartment they used to own before it was stolen from them because of "eminent domain". i'm left with- "YOU GOT THIS!" if and when i actually call amanda- which i gave up on a long time ago because she'd never answer the phone or return any of my voicemails when i actually called her. it felt like i was begging for support and begging isn't my thing. if you're gonna be an unsupportive, entitled person and expecting that to be enough for a PERSON WHO NEARLY DIED AND COMATOSE FOR SIX MONTHS, HAD TO RELY ON A DAMN WHEELCHAIR FOR AT LEAST TWENTY YEARS OF HER LIFE BECAUSE HER SAD EXCUSE OF SUPPORT JUST LIKED THE IMAGE OF APPEARING AS "CARING" FOR A PERSON WHO RELIES ON A WHEELCHAIR (PROOF WOULD BE HOW MY GRANDMA ALWAYS INTRODUCED ME AS HER "QUADRIPLEGIC GRANDDAUGHTER"). when i got in my car accident- I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF MY DAMN FAMILY MEMBERS BEING IN THE CAR WITH ME DURING THE ACCIDENT TO RECIEVE ANY FUCKING SYMPATHY WHATSOEVER. my mom actually has the audacity to think i'm ANYTHING like her- so i should just be by her. AFTER SHE HELD ME IN FRONT OF MY DAD WHILE HE WAS KICKING HER WHEN I WAS A KID.. i'm supposed to sweep this abuse and neglect under the rug? KISS MY ASS. i've had SEVERAL dreams reminiscing this situation in the past- PLUS, TWO SURGERIES ON MY BOWEL. OH PLEASE!! LET ME BE A HELPLESS, UNEMPLOYED LOSER LIKE MY MOMMY! that's what you might as well say. that's a HUGE motivation for me to actually get out there and apply to all these jobs, so i don't end up unemployed, smoking, and drinking pepsi after pepsi like my mom does. she's never been forced to be accountable or responsible for ANYTHING in her whole life.. including holding me in front of my dad while he kicked her. SHE'S NEVER APOLOGIZED TO ME FOR IT, SO SHE'S OBVIOUSLY NEVER TAKEN ACCOUNTABILITY FOR IT- OR EVEN BROUGHT IT UP TO ME IN THE PAST. i'm thinking it's because she's afraid of being forced to take accountability for things since she has to be ashamed of her stupidity. DOESN'T MATTER TO AMANDA! JUST CONDONE THIS NEGLECT AND ABUSE BECAUSE IT WORKED ALL OF TRACY'S LIFE AND WE'RE (INCLUDING YOU, AMANDA) TOO FUCKIN STUPID TO TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY AND ACTUALLY BE HONEST AND EMPATHETIC DEALING WITH THIS! go cry to grandma's friend carol, amanda, debbie, or whoever the hell you whine to about my blog posts since you're such a damn loser. I'M NOT PUSSYFOOTING. whenever i refer to my mom in the future, don't count on it being positive. she's honestly EVERYTHING i AVOID being/doing. she's NOTHING but a huge weight on ANY progress i make in life and AMANDA DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME- SO SHE DEPENDS ON MY MOM CLINGING TO ME AND TRYING TO WEIGH ME DOWN SO HER SELFISH, NAIVE ASS DOESN'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING TO HELP ME! YOU GOT THIS! you'll see what it's like to have to depend on someone for help and THEY AIN'T GONNA BE THERE. your aunt used to always say "what goes around, comes around" and that'll go for this too. karma's a bitch.