slowly moving..

i called both my trustee and case manager about this apartment in boston and i'm pretty sure i have things starting to get lined up to actually move there. i toured a unit from this particular apartment last time i took my trip to boston. my case manager had asked me about what i was gonna do for medical services, if i had that planned out yet, i asked her to look into transferring my services. they gotta have a low-income option insurance in boston, maybe it's not as good as minnesota (since amanda seems to think minnesota is the best for health care.. i'm not sure when she studied the medical profession and how she became so damn smart on medical resources while doing hair.. but that's another reason why i don't find ANY good reasons to remain in this state- she assumes she can be neglectful as possible just because SHE SAYS "minnesota is the best for health care!".. i also wasn't aware in her experience PERSONALLY dealing with health care which is best for TBI's *rolls eyes*). i remember when i was looking into moving to new york, wells fargo hired a consultant to assist me in moving and all the things i needed to get lined up. the main reason why i didn't move to new york then was because housing was so difficult in new york to get. i DO remember her bringing me a little packet of health providers in new york to look at. considering one of my trustees convinced me she was too expensive to keep- i had to get rid of her. so i'll try to do this myself. i suppose it could be a good thing that i try to be as resourceful as possible when doing everything i do, since the woman my grandma was CONVINCED would "get me to new york" basically pushed me on a boat in a river without an oar or paddle to assist me in moving myself up the stream because she doesn't find any interest in MY GOALS, screaming at me, "YOU GOT THIS!" in order to show her useless idea of "support" and it's just an inconvenience to actually assist me in something she doesn't personally find interest in- which shows her amount of "care" for me, besides that- it's more amusing for her to watch me struggle, so she can laugh at me with my other cousin dustin. it's just easier and more convenient for her to keep me as handicap/disabled as possible.. especially since she can gain points with her in-laws while her sister-in-law (i think) works as a physical therapist at courage kenny even though i went there already for at least 3 or 4 damn years and my grandma CLAIMED EVERY NIGHT that amanda will "get you {me} to new york!" after i would cry to her about how i was wasting my time and life at courage kenny because they refused to recognize my potential and ability for their advantage. IF YOU WANNA SEE SOMEONE WASTE THEIR FUCKING TIME AT COURAGE KENNY, YOU ATTEND THAT PATHETIC EXCUSE OF A "REHABILITATION INSTITUTE". QUIT YOUR JOB AND WASTE YOUR TIME BEING UNDERESTIMATED BY THEM, KEEPING YOU THERE BECAUSE NO ONE WILL ADVOCATE FOR YOU TO ACTUALLY PROGRESS AND ACTUALLY MAKE SOMETHING OF YOURSELF!.. that IS what they did to ME afterall!

here's some more to laugh at.. i'm *ACTUALLY* trying to change my situation! ha.. what an idiot!

i was eating the ugali fredrick made me for lunch and i looked at my calendar on the wall and said to myself, "it feels like i should be doing something.." then i got up from the table and looked- i had written that i had spanish at 1. it was like 12:30 and it takes 20 minutes to get to spanish, so i gathered my things and told fredrick that i had spanish and i had to go. so we locked my door and i called my ride and waited. i was thinking and i'm pretty sure kristi nome is looking at my facebook timeline because of a picture of the graffiti i took a picture of yesterday when coming back from work. someone sprayed "HANG NOME AND SMITH".. i found it funny because that'd be like what they've caused a lot of people to have done to them/or killed them in another way- so it'd be like giving them a taste of their own medicine. then i see today that someone with an account with kristy nome's name is looking at my account. i better not get in trouble for that shit- ALL i did was simply make an observation with my camera on my cellphone. it's not like I sprayed that shit on the wall (even if i did find it amusing), there's NO possible way I could physically get my little ass up on that wall and spray paint that on the wall. it was smart but something i wouldn't be physically capable of doing. if they would for some reason deport me- I'D BE ALL FOR IT! A REASON TO RELOCATE! THAT WAY I'D HAVE TO MOVE AND AMANDA AND MY MOM COULDN'T STOP IT BY NOT ASSISTING ME TO GET THE APPROPRIATE RESOURCES TO DO SO. MAGA AMANDA! YOU VOTED FOR THIS SHIT!
i've made the decision to look at other places besides new york and i'm actually making an iniative to move my ass (seeing as i AM capable of doing it- i've already moved to 3 different locations when it comes to living in this opportunity-less state- seeing as the person my grandma CLAIMED would help me- just neglects me and my goals because she tells everyone i'm too dumb and handicapped to do it on my own). so i got a response email/letter dated yesterday's date stating that if i didn't get back to the housing company with the information they wanted in 10 days- my name would be taken off the waiting list. i forwarded my trustee this email yesterday when i got it AND left my trustee a voicemail requesting this information AGAIN reminding her how irresponsible it would be of her NOT to provide the information they requested BY THE DEADLINE. they asked me for some other information while my trustee was getting the tax information to her and zen and abdul claimed they couldn't help me if my trustee didn't get the tax information to the company. i'm telling my trustee that if she doesn't get this tax information to the appropriate people by the 17th of this month- she can find a new job along with amanda acting as my "advocate". you dicks think that i'm some kind of mentally disabled pawn that you can use and step on whenever it's fucking convenient to you. i'm also telling the only person that really seems to give a fuck about me psychologically if you asses continue to try to cause my life to go in regression or weigh me down so i can be as unaccomplished and negative as amanda and my mom.. i say unaccomplished about amanda because she doesn't wanna help anyone else progress with their lives ESPECIALLY if it inconveniences her perfect lame life. my grandma assumed that amanda would actually help me because she assumed she had her own hair salon- so she'd be knowledgable economically.. well- my grandma was OBVIOUSLY getting naive at her old age, she failed to pay attention to the fact that amanda never really was in my life enough to really know ME and actually have the desire to help me (in a way which wasn't just beneficial/convenient to HER). there's no way she could really help me in the way I want because it's inconvenient for her. i still remember my grandma saying to me a couple times on the phone, pleading for me to have the desire to move somewhere else besides new york and now that i finally figure out somewhere else- PEOPLE CONVENIENTLY JUST FUCKING IGNORE IT. she did NOT tell me that i SHOULD waste my fucking life in THIS particular state. she was even supportive when my uncle todd moved to WYOMING. this really isn't any fucking different considering i have the resources and i found the appropriate resources to do it but close-minded lame IGNORANT jackasses don't seem to want to simply hand over the proper information to help me move. you people think you're smart. well guess what? WHEN YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT IN LIFE TO LOSE BECAUSE IT WAS ALL TAKEN FROM YOU IN AN ACCIDENT- YOU DON'T REALLY SEEM TO GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYONE OR ANYTHING. HAVEN'T YOU GENIUSES EVER HEARD THAT A PERSON WITH NOTHING TO LOSE IS THE MOST DANGEROUS PERSON? THAT'S WHERE I AM. HELP ME IN THE WAY I WANT OR I WILL MAKE MY AND YOUR LIFE A LIVING HELL. "OH BUT SHE'S TOO STUPID! SHE'S MENTALLY DISABLED AND ALL TALK!" we'll fucking see. i just got off the phone with someone from this apartment and they wanted to know what size my toilet seat cover was so they could order some toilet risers and they said the other modifications i requested were rejected by this aparment management company because they got a call from the housing company i'm talking to about me moving, so they don't wanna drill anything in the wall and make modifications if i'm going to be moving anyway. i said, "well i'm not POSITIVE i'm moving because my trustee hasn't even provided the APPROPRIATE INFORMATION to the housing company.. she's DRAGGING HER FEET WHEN THEY GAVE ME TEN DAYS TO GET THE APPROPRIATE INFORMATION TO THEM." so this ALL rests on my financial worker. the thought that if brian was still my trustee- HE'D HAVE HAD THIS TAX INFORMATION TO THE HOUSING COMPANY YESTERDAY. my life continues to DIGRESS.. i'm not progressing to where I wanna be in life. THANKS FOR NOTHING AMANDA. I'LL DIE AN UNACCOMPLISHED DISABLED BUM JUST LIKE YOU'RE AIMING FOR ME TO BE. LIKE MOTHER LIKE DAUGHTER. THIS IS WHAT YOU FUCKERS GET NOT HELPING ME GET WHERE I WANT TO BE IN LIFE AND IT AIN'T GONNA GET BETTER IF YOU DICKS CONTINUE TO BE UNHELPFUL, SELFISH PRICKS. YOU MORONS STILL THINK MY MOM CAN'T READ- I GOT NEWS FOR YOU.. SHE CAN READ WHEN SHE FUCKING FEELS LIKE IT. SHE SEEMS TO KNOW WHAT I SAY ON MY BLOG. MY PSYCHOLOGIST SAID THAT MY SISTER PROBABLY READS IT TO HER- THAT'S A POSSIBILITY BUT WHEN MY MOM HAS PERSONALLY SPOKE TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING I SAID ON MY BLOG- I GOT THE FEELING THAT SHE READ IT PERSONALLY. YOU CHOOSE MY BEHAVIOR TO YOU. I GOT NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE. NOW YOU CAN LAUGH WITH DUSTIN AGAIN ABOUT HOW I THINK I'M GONNA MOVE. i thought family was supposed to be "CARING" and "SUPPORTIVE". not inconsiderate, selfish asses.

another interview in the books.

i just got back from another job interview. my job coach brought me to the interview- it was about 30 min. away.. so needless to say- if i don't get this job, i don't think i'll lose sleep. it was for a front desk/receptionist job.. i think it was around brooklyn center because that's the only town sign i remember seeing. my job coach sat in on the interview and she agreed with me, i didn't make any mistakes or say anything wrong- but i don't think i said anything that impressed the woman- so i'd stand out from other people interviewing though. i'm not sure she was impressed to give me the job right away.. i'm pretty sure i read somewhere you're supposed to say something that would impress the employer and stand out- which i'm almost positive i didn't do. at least i didn't make a mistake and say something stupid like every other interview. i was talking to my job coach on the way home and she complimented me on being so proactive on the job searches and said she's got a list of employers for receptionist jobs but she hasn't had to look at any of them because i always schedule a new interview. i really didn't know she had this list.. it probably would've helped me a lot.

confused by compliments

when i was at sabathani today, i was sitting behind the front desk, answering the phone and some older lady walked into the sabathani office and she asked if she could see someone, then when she was done and she was walking out of the office, she looked at me and said, "..you look like an attorney.." and i wasn't sure if she was meaning it as an insult or compliment, so i just said, "heh." to her, i'm sure she could tell by the way i said, "heh." to her that i was confused by the statement so she clarified quick and said, "i mean.. it's a compliment because you look so official behind the desk." and then i kinda laughed and said, "i know.. heh.. thanks." (i didn't ACTUALLY know but i was trying to be reassuring so she wouldn't feel like i was a nervous cunt). i think i'm finally getting to know what i'm doing a little better at sabathani now because i don't have to ask justin questions as much as i used to. justin is pretty much the one who seems more willing to lend an ear/hand when i have questions, his office is probably closest to the front desk too but it's nice having someone willing to be so patient and helpful to me. he reminds me of my cousin joe, so i feel more comfortable asking him for help too. i need to check if my job coach is gonna be at my place on time to take me to my interview tomorrow.. she probably won't answer the phone now but i can at least leave her a message.

bigger plans starting to unravel..

i got a call this morning when i was sitting on the toilet and i couldn't get to it on time, so i yelled at fredrick to give me the phone. i seen it was some lady from the housing company i'm speaking to- so i called her back immediately without really even listening to the voicemail she just left. LUCKILY i got ahold of her and she told me that she needs my tax returns and some other info. i told her that she could call my trustee to give her the appropriate paperwork. then, i emailed my trustee and told her that i gave her permission to speak to the lady who called me about housing. i hope i'm not forgetting to do anything. zen was luckily working today and he spoke to the lady and emailed my trustee and i think case manager about my tax returns and i'm not sure what else. i HAVE checked out one of the housing properties last time i took my last trip to boston. so for anyone saying that i'm irresponsibly picking my things up and moving- you need to mind their business since they're obviously just jumping to conclusions for their own convenience when THIS IS MY LIFE. NOT YOURS. go talk to your damn dogs because your crocodile tears ain't impressing ANYONE. you didn't seem to care about me this much when you were holding me in front of you, while my dad was kicking you as a shield to shield his kicks from kicking YOU.. after AT LEAST TWO surgeries SO FAR on my abdominal organs (perforated bowel and blocked bowel by my intestines), i've had ENOUGH of this shit. i NEVER planned on living in THIS OPPORTUNITY-LESS STATE. i've taken many trips to research housing and living in different areas on the east coast to get away from people that really don't give a damn about me- i'm not sure what they think they'll benefit from keeping me here because they aren't getting ANY money when i'm gone- it's all going to jay. i have my will made a while ago. plus- i highly doubt anyone who is just concerned about getting MY money (what's left of it anyway..) is gonna outlive me. i do stupid things but i always manage to get outta them alive.. kinda makes me wonder why.. i'm pretty sure i had this conversation with my grandma when she was still alive and her explanation was that God has a bigger plan for me.. which i'm POSITIVE is not living in this state. people in this particular state are too ignorantly entitled. i see it on the news and many relatives of mine seem to suffer from this condition (being ignorantly entitled) also. i'm not gonna condone this shit just because they're family. which is something i didn't get to see any of- i had to put two and two together and figure out why i had these surgeries on my abdominal organs and why i never really grew up with a dad. right mom?

keep it moving..

i'm on a mission to get employed again. i'm not sure if home 2 suites still has me scheduled to work because on my calendar i have written to show up there today at 6 am but i remember telling the lady who i spoke to about getting the job that after my training- i wasn't sure this was the correct position for me to work. so while i was sitting on my couch this morning, i scheduled another interview for a RECEPTIONIST job. if they try to stick me in some other job, ESPECIALLY if i'm not in the condition to work that particular job- i just need to put my foot down right away. no matter how desperate i may be for a job.

progressing to the PROPER job- NOT FOR ANYONE'S CONVENIENCE OR SATISFACTION BUT *MINE*

i get the idea that my need to PROGRESS in life inconveniences those who SUPPOSEDLY are SUPPOSED to be "supporting" ME. the fact that my family/support team isn't empathetic doesn't help either. empathy requires INTELLIGENCE.. so nuff said. NOT JUST assisting at their OWN damn convenience. (JOE IS THE ONLY RELATIVE WHO CONTINUES TO SUPPORT ME- NOT JUST BECAUSE OF MY GRANDMA) I HAVE A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY BUT I'VE ALREADY BUSTED MY ASS OFF IN REHAB. (AND A HUGE THANKS TO TRAM HOLLOWAY AND HIS ARP THERAPY- HE NEVER WAS CONCERNED ABOUT "LIABILITY" UNLIKE COURAGE KENNY WHO DID ADMIT TO ME STRAIGHT OUT THEY WERE CONCERNED ABOUT "LIABILITY" WHEN I WANTED TO SHOW THEM WHAT I WAS CAPABLE OF) i was lying in a coma at this time about TWENTY THREE AND A HALF YEARS AGO. i'm NOT going BACK in my progress JUST for the convenience who only pay attention to me when it's beneficial and/or convenient for THEM even though this is MY life. just so amanda can look caring and supportive to her in-laws.. she must be really insecure for some reason. i mean- to depend on wanting to appear "supportive" of a relative who she never really speaks to.. she never really has in my whole life when i try to remember.. huh. my grandma just chose the relative who she thought could relate to me and understand where i'm coming from so she could advocate and help me to get somewhere in life where i feel truly happy and useful. which DOES NOT include some sad ass excuse of some rehab. institute who preys on unadvocated, vulnerable clients. it took me long enough to get outta my damn wheelchair UNTIL my grandma contacted TRAM HOLLOWAY and he hooked me up to his ARP therapy *gasp* WHERE DO YOU THINK I GOT THE AMBULATION FROM?! you're stupider than i thought if you REALLY think it came from courage kenny (where they discouraged me coming to the fitness center without my walker, trekking poles, or something else to assist me in walking so people would THINK they were still ACTUALLY helping some disabled twit with rehabilitation).
i was thinking about this recent job at home 2 suites that i THOUGHT i'd be working.. the guy training me didn't really have patience. probably because old people really don't have time to be patient.. even when a person is REALLY trying their best. i'm pretty sure a big reason why i decided not to work that job was because of the environment and unsupportive co-workers. i tried to stick it out but i didn't wanna slow anyone down or get in the way while i was still learning. they didn't seem so understanding either. my job coach didn't try to think much about me not having the desire to work there and just told me the next time she'd be at my place to have a session because all i remember her telling me was the next time she'd see me. i'm pretty sure i was going slower because i didn't wanna get hurt. then i get insulted by the guy training me for going so slow. i obviously would've gained speed and worked quicker as i started to get comfortable working. plus- this was my first time working in the hospitality industry really. so i was trying to be cautious at first.. then i hoped to get quicker but i found that to be difficult with the impatience and lack of understanding by co-workers. it just didn't seem like the correct hotel to be working at specifically. HOPEFULLY i find a different more accepting environment to work in. just gotta keep trying. i'll eventually find the right fit. i don't think it's really logical to put a worker (who has experience in other jobs) in jobs that could be hazardous to them or hurt them just because they need the position filled, when there are workers working the same job (a different position) who have already proved that they can work safe. call it seniority or wtf you want but maybe they'd get more work done if they moved the workers to positions they could actually work safely?! maybe i'm just being selfish and purposely accomodating to my needs when they could have worked there longer.. so it's proven to work? i could've tried to stick it out a little longer but i was just listening to the frustration of the co-workers and i didn't wanna slow them down.. even if i would've probably got faster at what i did and they could've at least considered to move me to a position i'd be faster at working.. especially since one of the front desk girls told me they needed help on weekends in particular.

trying to drive again.

i checked my email and yesterday, i had contacted my care coordinator about some driving class that my case manager said that was the last driving lessons i took. i'm sure they'll say it's been so long since my last lessons in order for me to be okay'd to take my driving test, so they'll make me take them again. just so what happens last time doesn't happen again- i took the lessons and the guy said i was 100% safe to take the behind-the-wheel driving test for my license, i just needed to get a vehicle and i told brian that they told me i was 100% safe to take the test and i needed a vehicle, so i wanted him to purchase a vehicle for me. he disregarded my email and told me that he wouldn't feel right purchasing an unlicensed driver a vehicle. that kinda tells me that the people supposedly investing money for my trust aren't really doing their jobs because then my trust must be losing money more than gaining when it just pays for cable and my credit card purchases (and i don't buy that many things). God forbid my "advocate" ACTUALLY does her fuckin job and looks at how the money in my trust is being invested! it's not HER income/source of finances.. so she could give a shit less. that's how my family works though.. if it doesn't affect them personally- they don't give a shit. it's not like i'd be looking to purchase an expensive car when i'm just learning to drive again.. the ics workers showed me a place online where other clients of this program get their cars. it's affordable and there's decent used cars on there. i think about EVERY disabled person with their driver's licenses and it's because they have FAMILIES who ACTUALLY SUPPORT and HELP them get what they need to drive! *gasp* if only i had a family who actually cared about helping me become truly successful and not depending on courage kenny distracting me with their shitty ass services to rip medical assistance off to get more money for my rehabilitation that they don't even help with because they'd lose a client if they ACTUALLY assisted me to gain the ability to walk and earn my driver's license again.

5 words for you

i think back to what a friend's mom tried to tell me how people don't care what i do.. okay- but then i don't understand why my family tries to make it look like they actually care about me. if no one cares about what I do- then no one should care whether my family "cares" about me. my mom is too stupid to realize that and so that makes amanda in the same boat since she's been absolutely NO help with actually advocating for me to assist me to successfully move to a different state. do they consider that *THEY* are one of the biggest reasons why i don't wanna live here? all i wish for amanda is that SHE gets faced with the same difficulty of not being able to get what SHE wants to get done because everyone assumes she's too disabled. might not happen now.. but what goes around, comes around. they've given me absolutely no opportunities to better myself and haven't helped me progress with MY OWN life. i see no reason to remain in this opportunity-less hell hole of a state especially with assholes trying to profit off my life or look like better people (certain family members.. my mom, amanda, and amy- MY SISTER, not trustee) than they actually are by urging me to go to some sad excuse of a "rehabilitation center" so they can look like they actually care about me. IF you assholes REALLY cared about me as much as you try to insinuate- YOU'D RECOGNIZE THAT I HAVEN'T REALLY FELT LIKE THOSE DICKS AT COURAGE KENNY WERE EVER REALLY "HELPING" ME. THE ONE PERSON WHO DID ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT ME- REALIZED I WAS TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT FEELING LIKE COURAGE KENNY NEVER WAS HELPING ME WENT OUT (my grandma OBVIOUSLY) AND FOUND TRAM HOLLOWAY, WHO HOOKED HIS ARP THERAPY PADS UP TO MY BODY AND THEY GENERATED ARP WAVES INTO MY MUSCLES- WAKING THEM UP AND ACTUALLY HELPING ME TO BECOME AMBULATORY. i remember him telling my grandma he'd have me walking again before i was actually independently ambulatory. i could tell my grandma didn't believe him but she encouraged his work anyway. i'm glad she did and i'm glad she found him.. more than i could EVER say about amanda and/or my own damn mom. i don't even own a damn wheelchair and i only have a cane, one trekking pole, and a walker to assist me in walking now and i'm slowly getting stronger so that i really only use the cane.

misconceptions about my situation.

it kinda irritates me that i come across a lot of people who assume my condition is worse than it ACTUALLY is just because i walk with a cane. the guy who i trained with this week said to me (as if i wasn't aware of it), "you know.. they have social security for disabled people like you.. when my wife was alive- she was on social security because she had ms.. is that what you have?" then i said, "no.. i have a traumatic brain injury from a car accident." i KNOW i told him this before he asked but whatever. it's nice that people show care but when they just assume you can't do something just so you don't inconvenience them when they should really be worried about their own shit- it gets to be a little annoying. he also told me that he was on social security because of something he did to his hip but he couldn't just sit at home doing nothing- so.. what's the difference between his situation and MY situation? i also told him after he said he couldn't just sit at home while on social security doing nothing that i've ran into many situations where i get myself into trouble when i'm bored and an idle mind is the devil's playground. i'm not really sure of the difference between both our situations.. he gets the opportunity to be constructive and work when i'm expected to just sit at home on social security because?? it's more convenient to everyone else. all i am is a fucking burden. THEN PEOPLE CAN SIT AND CRITICIZE ME FOR DOING NOTHING AND I'M SUPPOSED TO JUST TAKE THAT SHIT HAPPILY! so i don't think i wanna work with people that can't recognize MY situation and accomodate my needs and abilities. people are probably saying, "HAH! SHE'S BITCHIN ABOUT PEOPLE NOT WANTING HER TO DO ANYTHING!"..YES, i AM. when you've walked a mile in MY shoes and gone through EVERYTHING i have- school, previous job experience, and rehabilitation- maybe your opinion will actually fuckin matter. don't waste your and more importantly MY time bitching about me and how i can just get away with doing nothing. you can kiss my ass- i don't CARE who you are.. you obviously don't care who I am.