IT'S A PLAN!

well.. i checked with doug if he's still bringing me to rick's cabaret and he said, "yeah.. we could go to the casino after too, if you want". i'd go to the casino and all- it's just that i'm not sure i'll have much money remaining after i get back from rick's. we'll see. i figure i go big on my 40th birthday, seeing as i was told i couldn't take a trip to mexico for my birthday like I WANTED. so the strippers at rick's just may see a pay day on tuesday. *shrugs shoulders* whatever. i guess i'm cool with either but i'm just saying if i would've got to go to mexico for MY BIRTHDAY i probably wouldn't have a face full of titties in my face for my birthday and a few lap dances. i asked tyler how much you typically should tip strippers and i THINK he said $50.. i told him i didn't wanna look cheap when tipping but i am kinda tight with my money typically.
i was thinking about how my grandma used to tell me i changed.. i don't think i realized how manipulating she was trying to be. she was trying to scare me into just acting the way she wanted, so i'd think i didn't change. then it hit me- PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO CHANGE! i don't remember if i told her that when she told me once that i changed.. i kinda feel like i did. just judging by that manipulation tactic- you should understand how i was basically raised and all the abuse (my dad kicking me because my mom used MY BODY as a shield while he was kicking her) was condoned because my grandma jumped to the conclusion that my mom had a disability since she was illiterate. my mom can read. she reads my blog all the time. so she's just lazy. which to me is worse than being disabled but i'm not sure how stupid people think. i'm pretty sure my mom probably had something to do with amy telling me i couldn't go to mexico. my mom thinks she can go to mexico but she tries to stop me from going there.. which i don't really understand why except for the fact she's incredibly jealous of her own daughter. go act like you care about fat amy. she's your favorite kid anyway. if my kids spoke about this on their blogs.. i would NEVER want to read that shit. another difference between me and my mom. if you people were SMART you'd work on helping me to move out of this state- so i don't have time to think about how she abused me and open the can of worms because i'd be too busy living and making my OWN life to post or think about something as depressing as my mom and the shit she did to me.

Bound to happen.

i have this feeling that douglas might ghost me on my birthday, so he won't even bring me to rick's cabaret. maybe i'm just being paranoid because it's for my FORTIETH birthday and i was excited to have plans for it FOR ONCE since nobody gives a damn about me to make plans for me. that's also one of the reasons why i don't wanna live in this particular state. i'm not gonna go switching my interests/personality just so i can actually do things and have friends.

interviews

i just got done at my last interviews of the day. the first interview went alright, although i'm not sure if they'll count that i thought i was interviewing for front desk when it was actually guest services. they didn't make a big deal about it but i finally got to interview with them after about 40 minutes. so, i kept looking at my watch to make sure i'd have enough time to get to the second interview at a different hotel. i got there on time with probably 15 minutes to spare at least but i came when there wasn't many hotel guests- so the lady interviewing me did it earlier than the interview was while still answering phone calls. i didn't mind- i'm sure that's common during the day (having interruptions and still managing to assist people). the only mistake i made during this interview was forgetting to mention that i'd like to work more when she asked me why i was looking for another job other than the one at sabathani. i forgot to bring a notebook to write down when the employer would be getting back to me (so it shows i'm actually interested in getting the job) but i'm pretty sure one of them said by monday they'd get back to me and it feels like the other said something about thursday but i don't remember which one said what. so i'll just pay attention to my indeed account because i know at least one of them said she'd get back to me on indeed. the good thing is that i don't remember saying anything wrong during either of these interviews- it's just that i forgot to say things that may make me look more appealing to hire.

test rings

i'm wearing one of the test rings on my finger (which happysleep sent me to try on and wear), i don't think there's like a monitor in this particular test ring because it looks plastic. i'm not sure of the purpose of having me actually wear the ring all day- i can see just trying them on to see what size fits best but the ics worker who was helping me read that i had to keep it on all day. i'm pretty sure the reason why my head has been hurting me lately has to do with my lack of sleep due to sleeping without a cpap even though i recognized that my head stopped hurting when i got up, ate breakfast, and drank WATER. i also stretched my neck but i'm not sure if that had any influence on how my head felt- even though i suppose it would make sense. so now i've gotta wear this ring to sabathani when i go there to volunteer, oh well.. it's just like a plastic ring- it doesn't interfere with anything really. at first, i took the ring off and went to the bathroom and after the second time of going to the bathroom- i realized the ring is just plastic so there's no way it can get messed up by water, so i left it on when washing my hands. plus- the ics never told me that i couldn't get it wet- so i assume i'm fine.
when i had ics, the ics worker helped me check my champs account so a housing offer isn't just slipped under my awareness and so i don't lose an opportunity AGAIN for housing there. he seen that i'm still on the second to last stage for housing still. now i just have to continue to be patient until a housing offer comes up.
i think i may have recognized my mom and sister's obsessions with my blog account. it's not that they're genuinely interested/care what's going on with me. it's just because my mom is eager to see what life COULD be like IF she actually worked/lived somewhere other than her hometown in basically the same situation she came from- which she's NEVER done in her whole life (little honkey towns right next to your hometown don't count either- like new auburn or brownton) and my sister is eager to see what it's like to live anywhere other than with/by her mommy, with a HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA and actually living life. she can try to make it seem like we're alike ALL she wants but she's never actually been comatose, in a wheelchair for at least 15 years because her family is naive and just like sympathy and attention. she's never pushed herself to graduate and excel in any academics whatsoever. we don't have anything in common but the dna part of me i'm REALLY ashamed of. that's what you suckers get for being nosey. i'll be as honest as i have to, even if it bothers you. if you were smart- you'd ignore what i say (meaning not read it every damn day) and WORK on YOURSELVES. of course they're not smart- so they try to take the easy way out in life. so basically- they're just nosey cows.
i asked my therapist what to do about the interviews that i have tomorrow yesterday because they're so close together. she suggested that i go to the first one, then when that's done- call lyft and have them bring me directly to the second one. i might be there like 30 minutes early but now that i think about it- traffic usually tends to suck when i need to make it to interviews- so i'll probably be okay doing what my therapist told me to do.

running into the common problem of having nobody to help me in the way *I* need- *NOT* just what's convenient for others.

i got some more things done today. i called my community health worker and asked her if she knew who i could call to have them help me with my virtual interview. she told me to call my job coach.. i'm pretty sure my job coach is on vacation and she said someone would call me when she's on vacation to check in to see if i need help with anything and i'm pretty sure i don't remember anyone calling me. so i just did the virtual interview MYSELF the best i could and sent it in. i did everything they said in the directions- so hopefully it went through. they texted me saying my patience is appreciated while they review the results. they didn't say how they would contact me or even that they'd contact me with the results but i assume i'll find out somehow. i also have been thinking about how my next two interviews on wednesday are scheduled so close together and i hope that lyft won't fuck things up again. knowing my luck- they will. so i don't even know if i can count on attending any of my next interviews on wednesday. the good thing is- at least my therapist called me and scheduled a meeting with me in about an hour- so i can tell her about this and hopefully get some good advice on what to do about this problem. seeing as everyone just assumes i'm good relying on lyft for transportation when they can't even bring me to the appropriate destinations at the most critical times but just as long as i'm safe! i should be happy i get transportation even though it ruins a lot of opportunities for me! right amanda?! i belong at courage kenny where they do shit for their own convenience and don't even REALLY help me in the ways i need!.. story of my fuckin life. i'm stupid for expecting to actually be successful and satisfied with my life.. I DO HAVE A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY!.. right amanda? NOTHING THAT INCONVENIENCES YOU AND DON'T BENEFIT YOU!

getting things done for a change on sunday.

fredrick took me to the grocery store to get some groceries. it's hot as hell out there. when he brought me back, i think when i was opening the door for him to bring the groceries in- he said to me, "now you'll learn how to do this yourself because when i go home- you'll be able to help yourself!" so that tells me that he plans on going to africa on vacation again for like a month or so like he usually does. it irritates me that other people just jump to assuming i can't do things without even seeing for themselves, so they appear "responsible" or "caring" or wtf. so it was probably a good thing that i had fredrick buy tide pods today since i have a little difficulty lugging the big bottle of detergent around when washing my clothes. he claims that the washing machines on this floor are broken though- so he always goes in the laundry room UPSTAIRS to wash the clothes and i KNOW that it wouldn't be safe for me to try to haul my laundry up and down some stairs when i do the laundry.. so i may have to think of an alternative for that.
douglas came over on friday and he casually asked me when my birthday was, since we talked about going to a strip club for it- then he asked me if i still wanted to go to rick's cabaret. i said, "YEAH!" because there's gotta be a first time for everything and it's coincidentally my birthday when we're going. i looked at the calendar this morning and i'm scheduled to volunteer at sabathani on my birthday- so at least i'll have something to do that day besides the strip club at night.
i also managed to express my interest in working at some bank today, they want me to schedule a virtual interview with them and i'm HOPEFULLY gonna do the virtual interview tomorrow when my job coach comes.. i figure it might be more appropriate if she's there to assist me or give me tips on the interview. if it doesn't work to schedule it tomorrow for whatever reason- i'm comfortable doing it independently another day but i just figured she might help me be more successful at the interview so i ACTUALLY get hired.

GO THE F AWAY.

i know i've wrote about this on my blog before but the question often comes up in my head, "why does my mom seem to think she can convince people she ACTUALLY cares about me so much- she seems to think she has ANY influence whatsoever WHERE i end up in life and WHY the fuck would she think i'd EVER want to be ANYWHERE NEAR her after the neglect and abuse she has for me?" i was kicked by my dad when he MEANT to kick YOU- so you used ME as a shield while he kicks you. you also left me at your apartment numerous times ALONE when i was wheelchair-dependant to play pool at the bar. *SARCASM* IF THAT DOESN'T SHOW "CARE" THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT DOES! you obviously don't give a fuck about me, SO WHY DON'T YOU LET ME LIVE MY LIFE THE WAY I WANT?! you're not getting ANYTHING from me anymore. i've left my money to jay when i die. SO JUST FUCKING STOP. GO PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER. i'm gonna just totally disregard your entire existance. if you were smart- you'd realize stalking me does NOT show me you "care" about me. when you put my body at risk when my dad was kicking you, it revealed just how LITTLE care and love you have for me. i've went through TWO surgeries because of YOU.. YOU'VE NEVER ONCE APOLOGIZED OR EVEN ACKNOWLEDGED YOUR PART IN MY ABUSE. I WILL NOT BE FORGIVING YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE MY MOMMY! grow the fuck up. everything doesn't revolve around you. i'm not gonna condone this shit because my surgeries PROBABLY AREN'T OVER IN MY LIFE BECAUSE YOU DECIDED TO USE MY BODY AS A SHIELD WHEN BEING KICKED BY MY DAD- WHICH I'VE DECIDED YOU MORE THAN LIKELY DESERVED JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER TIME HE HIT OR KICKED YOU BECAUSE THERE'S A LOT OF THE TIME WHERE I WISH I COULD HIT OR KICK YOU MYSELF (ONE BEING NOW) BUT SINCE MY THERAPIST GAVE ME STEPS TO DO WHEN I'M ANGRY- I'VE PRETTY MUCH MANAGED TO CONTROL MY TEMPER. I'M NOT GRANDMA. YOU DON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS SHIT WITH ME. SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO ENDURE BEING CUT OPEN TWICE SO FAR IN HER LIFE BECAUSE HER MOM IS A NARCISSISTIC BUM. THANKS TO YOUR STUPID ASS- I LOOK LIKE A VOODOO DOLL ALL STITCHED UP ON MY STOMACH WHEN I'M TOPLESS. YOU'RE NOT GONNA LOOK ANY BETTER TO YOUR OBSESSED HEIFER OF A DAUGHTER EITHER. SHE PICKED THE WRONG HORSE TO BACK. SHE SHOULD'VE PUT HER ENERGY INTO GETTING HER DAMN GED SO SHE WOULDN'T BE FUCKED ON WELFARE HER WHOLE LIFE. anyone else i need to go off on? hm.. i'll save it for when i actually think of something to get amy's fat ass wet over when she reads her cooler older sissy's blog like usual because i've determined she's the only other loser in this world who seems to idolize me because she thinks she's like me because we just happened to be damned with the same mom. if you're gonna be ANYTHING like me- i suggest you get your high school diploma.. which would probably be a ged by now since you seem to think you're so damn smart getting pregnant numerous times- the first time being at TWELVE YEARS OLD. when i was your age- I WAS MORE CONCERNED WITH SCHOOL AND SPORTS. i honestly didn't sleep with anyone for my first time right before i was 21. HEY LOOK! ONE OF THE MANY REASONS WHY YOU'LL NEVER BE LIKE ME! live your own life, skag. i'm not proud of how i got here and i'm not gonna try to make it look like i am. i don't lack intelligence like you and mom like that. i never wanna talk to either of you idiots again. you did this to yourselves. i don't even understand why mom ACTS like she actually cares about me- so she acts worried about me living my own life and living where I want. she NEVER used to give a damn about me wanting to live in new york- EVEN when i was in a wheelchair still talking about it. she used to say, "IT'S YOUR LIFE! LIVE IT LIKE YOU WANT!" so that leads me to believe that she gathered up this fake care and concern for me because she thinks it'll get her closer to my sister (who she REALLY cares about). i know damn well that she would've NEVER used my sister's body as a shield while her dad was kicking my mom. i officially hate you both for selfishly only having your best interests in mind when it comes to me living MY life. fuck off. you're not gonna get anything from stalking me except a VERY PISSED OFF STACY, who IS going to ignore your very existance from now on. maybe you two will teach each other to grow the fuck up.

at least today was good for something.

i was sitting on my couch this morning, i figured i'd try to make myself USEFUL today since i don't have plans for today. i DID manage to schedule another interview at a hotel i'm pretty sure i've interviewed at previously but i'm also pretty sure it's a different position i'm interviewing for. i'm trying to get my foot in the door at different hotels, so i can gain more experience. i think i'm gonna probably attempt to schedule more interviews next week or just in the future right now because that particular hotel actually scheduled interviews even if it is a holiday. i had to determine if i wanted to schedule it for wednesday or thursday. at first i was thinking that i should schedule it sooner because if i impressed them enough, i could get a job sooner but then i remembered how a few employers that i interviewed with had said they'd get back to me after they were done interviewing people.. so i'm pretty sure it doesn't matter if i do the interview sooner or later. it doesn't feel like the fourth today- most of my previous fourth of julys were spent up at my grandma's camper but if i really think about it- there's nothing really to celebrate- we have a communist tool of a president who is working to take all our rights away. COWABUNGA. i just hope that pizza hut is actually open for me to order a pizza because that'll be my highlight of the day.

classes?

i was just thinking about taking those classes to improve my cognition.. my memory isn't reliable because of the car accident that i was in- but i'm PRETTY SURE that i've already taken classes to improve my cognition and i passed them and ended up getting my driver's permit again.. that seems pretty pointless to have to CONTINUE paying for the damn classes, get ONLY my driver's permit back and just have to do it ALL again just to get my damn driver's permit back again. everyone just continues to ignore the work i've ALREADY done over and fucking over for EVERYTHING i do. idiots ignore the fact i've went to courage kenny and they expect me to go back to that shit of taking advantage of my lack of advocacy and my traumatic brain injury altogether. NOW they ignore the fact that i've done all this shit to get my driver's license back again because my LACK OF ADVOCACY! amanda is just kissing her sister-in-law's ass by attempting to get me to WASTE MORE OF MY TIME AND LIFE at courage kenny because IT'LL DISTACT ME FROM GETTING WHAT I TRULY NEED TO GET DONE (WHICH SHE TOLD MY GRANDMA SHE'D HELP ME MOVE TO NEW YORK, GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE BACK AGAIN, AND WORK A JOB). NOT HER PROBLEM! SO WHY SHOULD SHE HELP ME?! IT'S LIKE PULLING FUCKING TEETH GETTING ANYTHING DONE WITH A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY. I'VE HAD MY DAMN PERMIT FOR A WHILE ALREADY- PROBABLY FOR AT LEAST 2 OR 3 YEARS. GOD FORBID I ACTUALLY GET MY DAMN DRIVER'S LICENSE. NO.. LET STACY DEAL WITH LYFT! WHO CARES THAT THEY TAKE HER TO THE WRONG LOCATION AT THE MOST IMPORTANT TIMES? STACY HAS A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY! SHE'S STUPID! SHE'LL FORGET EVERYTHING ANYWAY! RIGHT AMANDA?! IT'LL TEACH HER TO STAY THE ONLY PLACE SHE'S CAPABLE OF MAKING THE "INSTITUTE" LOOK GOOD AT- COURAGE KENNY! WHO CARES THAT THEY DON'T REALIZE HER CAPABILITY AND ABILITY TO DO THE ONLY THINGS THEY HAVE HER DO OVER AND OVER WHICH SHE ALREADY DID FOR AT LEAST 5 YEARS WHEN SHE WASTED HER TIME THERE PREVIOUSLY WHEN HER GRANDMA WAS ALIVE! WHO CARES ABOUT STACY! RIGHT AMANDA?! JUST SO YOU CAN LOOK KEWLIEZ TO YOUR SISTER-IN-LAW GETTING HER ANOTHER HANDICAP MINDLESS CLIENT! AT LEAST SHE'S NOT BOTHERING THE DRUNK DRIVER WHO MANAGED TO GET HIS LICENSE BACK PROBABLY FOR AT LEAST 20 YEARS NOW! SHE'S A STUPID MINNESOTAN! SHE SHOULD BE SATISFIED!.. at least in new york- they realize people NEED to be able to do things to help themselves adequately such as DRIVING. everyone refuses to help me because i won't lower my capability to bring me back to doing shit i've already fuckin mastered. I'VE LOST ALL RESPECT FOR MY FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE AND JAY). THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE FOR THEIR FAMILY MEMBERS AT TIMES WHEN THEY NEED HELP AND ADVOCACY. IT'S NO WONDER WHY I WANT TO FUCKING MOVE OUT OF THIS DAMN STATE- MY FAMILY DOESN'T HELP ME WITH SHIT WHILE I'M IN THIS STATE.