you're pushin it. i've had enough.

and just the fact that amanda more than likely told dustin that i was talking about him and/or something else that mentioned me because i see his friend josh looking at my timeline- i don't even really know josh, just that he's married to my friend angie and he's friends with dustin. he's more than likely using josh's account to view my timeline since i blocked him since i don't like racist pricks and i don't care to see anything they have to say. i'm not sure WHY amanda told dustin about something i said.. probably something racist since that's what that particular side of the family are now.. i got news for you jackasses- I am NOT completely WHITE myself. i also happen to have something going in and out of me that happens to be big and BLACK ALL THE TIME now. he has a million times MORE integrity and respect than ANY of you. you've motivated me to cut your job to me off and settle for any other damn east coast city.. i just wanna get away from these racist pricks. i'll be telling the ics more cities i would like to look for housing in tomorrow. in case your stupid asses don't get the picture- ONE more reason why i wanna move to the east is because there's too many racist pricks in minnesota. if dustin REALLY gave a shit about his cousin (and amanda too i suppose), they'd be talking to that jackass who called me a "welfare rat".. aka missy's stupid ass boyfriend kevin. i don't get ANY support from my grandma's side of the family. instead they enjoy talking about someone who actually has DRIVE and PERSISTENCE to go places other than their lame old ignorant comfort zones. you obviously are just ignoring EVERYTHING i've been through to get where I want- NOT just for what's convenient for people who don't give a damn about me unless it's convenient or beneficial for THEM. it's proof that amanda doesn't have empathy when she just jumps to tell dustin, she must be desperate but they're just causing more damage. keep it up. i've already decided to speak to the proper people to give your responsibility for me to someone else- although that may have been the reason why you've been so unsupportive of me.. so CONGRATULATIONS! YOU GOT YOUR WAY!

i won't forget this.

fredrick took me to get my meds and groceries today at cub. then after we came back, i had an ics session and the ics worker hung garland i ordered from amazon up on the curtains since when i asked the ics worker yesterday to do it, she said she was too short and i thought she said she'd ask zen if he'd hang it but he's not gonna do something he wasn't specifically assigned to do by his boss (i don't think anyway- he probably said he was too busy or something). i'm watching key & peele on comedy central and the episode where key is supposed to be a kid asking his dad (i think), who is played by peele about what will happen to him when he (peele) dies and i remember asking my grandma the SAME EXACT QUESTION when i lived in burnsville and i was on the phone with her (i spoke to her EVERY evening on the phone- when i used to stand on my standing frame every night- which i have NO plans of continuing to do since i stood on it ever since i was 16 EVERY night for at least 30 min.- even the physical therapist said i didn't need to stand on it anymore), i asked her what would happen when she died and she just blew me off and just nanchalantly said, "i won't." i could tell from her response that she didn't know the answer herself and i loosened my dependency on her after that to mentally prepare myself for it. that may be the reason why i'm pretty sure i didn't cry at her funeral and because i had cried all my tears out at home privately before her funeral. i KNOW my grandma would be disappointed at the lack of help i've recieved since she HONESTLY used to claim that "amanda will have you {me} in new york when i die!" every damn night during our phone conversations in the evening. i was trying not to be a negative nancy.. so i wouldn't question her. i'm not just saying this either. that's the main reason why amanda is my legalized advocate. she can play as stupid as she wants but i guarantee you that it's going to come back to her. she'll get to see how i feel personally because of her refusal to assist me. whatever.. it's not on my conscience for not doing something i claimed to my aunt i'd do. she's basically responsible for me losing any opportunities at a better life because it's obvious (or it should be to anyone WITH a brain) that i'm not fully able to get myself living in another location WITHOUT the help of someone advocating for me because *GASP* i have a BRAIN INJURY!! the longer i go without her helping me like my grandma CLAIMED she would- the LESS i think she cares about ME. she died OVER TEN YEARS AGO. i'm NOT gonna "thank you" for NOT helping me either. I HAVE A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY- THAT DOES NOT MEAN I'M LIMITED TO GOING TO THE FUCKING COURAGE CENTER LIKE A TRAINED DOG AND HAVING THEM UNDERESTIMATE MY POTENTIAL JUST FOR EVERYONE ELSE'S CONVENIENCE. THE CONVENIENCE OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T EVEN FUCKIN CHECK ON THEIR FAMILY MEMBER WHEN SHE'S A VULNERABLE ADULT WITHOUT ANY FUCKING RESPONSIBLE ADVOCATES (JOE WAS THE ONLY PERSON WHO TOOK THE INITIATIVE TO ACTUALLY FUCKING VIDEO CHAT WITH ME WHILE I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL.. I LOVE HIM TO DEATH FOR THAT ESPECIALLY SINCE THE REST OF MY DAMN FAMILY WHO I DID CALL WHILE I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL BUT FORCED TO LEAVE VOICE MAILS TO NO RESPONSE CAN'T EVEN FUCKING PICK UP THE PHONE TO CHECK ON ME.. I COULD BE DEAD). a lot of people may be saying, "what about her mom? why didn't she call her?" because i found out how hysterical and ridiculously upset she can get from the last time i called her when i just fell outta my damn wheelchair on the ice when i was living in burnsville. i'm assuming she figured people would assume she ACTUALLY cared about me if she acted concerned and she expected to get attention for it. i obviously wasn't in the mood to hear a fake-negligent ass uncaring mom.. especially NOT after i read the possible causes for my blocked bowel by my intestines.. damage or trauma to the stomach area.. i was sitting at my computer not really even turning when i first felt the pain that inclined the ics worker to bring me to the emergency room. i thought about around the time when i went in to have my previous surgery for my perforated bowel when i was like 11 or 12 i think- my grandma mentioned about how she didn't tell the doctor about when my mom and dad were physically fighting and i got kicked by my dad because my mom had me in her arms and "turned to get away from alfonso" while my dad was kicking my mom and i had a few reminscing dreams about my mom and dad fighting and getting kicked.. it was out at oak leaf park by one of the streams and my mom's friend kris and her husband louie were there. DON'T EVEN TRY TO SAY I'M MAKING THIS SHIT UP AMANDA. i can hear her naive ass saying sarcastically, "SHE'D NEVER REMEMBER THAT. SHE WAS SO YOUNG WHEN IT HAPPENED." you're a negligent fool. i'm pretty sure that's ONE of the reasons why my psychologist diagnosed me with PTSD. YOU'D KNOW THAT IF YOU ACTUALLY CARED ABOUT ME. YOU'D BE TRYING YOUR HARDEST TO GET ME AS FAR AWAY FROM ANY MORE POSSIBLE DAMAGE MY SELFISH MOM WOULD BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR. I HAVE TO COME TO TERMS THAT NO ONE (EXCEPT JOE) GIVES A SHIT ABOUT ME IN MY FAMILY. IF THEY DID- THEY'D SHOW IT (LIKE JOE DID WHEN HE ACTUALLY CHECKED ON ME IN THE HOSPITAL). i'm sure untreated ptsd results in injury or death- AMANDA DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT! JUST MAKE HER GO TO COURAGE KENNY! THEY'LL TAKE CARE OF HER THERE BECAUSE MINNESOTA IS #1 FOR HEALTH CARE EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING FIRST-HAND EXPERIENCE WITH PEOPLE HAVING BRAIN INJURIES BUT SHE KNOWS IT ALL! TAKE HER WORD FOR IT AND DEAL WITH IT. I GOT THIS! *ROLLS EYES* she's probably lying to everyone claiming i refuse to go to courage kenny when she tried to urge me to go there. I REFUSE TO GO TO THAT SORRY ASS EXCUSE OF A "REHAB. FACILITY" because they try to take advantage of my LACK of advocacy and just stick me on some easy ass machine that my living room wall could operate and MINDLESSLY think i'm getting better!.. while they just keep getting paid for supposedly helping me get strong and WALK AGAIN (LIKE I TOLD THEM OVER TEN YEARS AGO WAS MY GOAL). don't get me wrong here- i had assistance frm tram holloway and his ARP therapy to get as ambulatory as i am now. he NEVER pulled that ridiculous excuse of "LIABILITY" outta his ass. he had me walking and out of my damn wheelchair. COURAGE KENNY WOULD JUST THROW ME ON THAT STUPID NU-STEP MACHINE AND EXPECT FOR PEOPLE TO STROKE THEIR DICKS. it's basically a machine someone SITS in and pushes their feet forward and back while holding onto bars pushing them forward and back. that's NOT gonna help my ambulation. they depend on over-confident, negligent clients and families to continue paying them money from continuing to let people use that shit which doesn't progress them. i'm sorry for not wanting to waste my time on some stupid machine that no one else thinks i have the potential to do anything else. no more. you're not even helping trying to encourage me to waste more of my damn time on some stupid machine which doesn't help- all it helps is waste people's time THINKING they're actually doing something beneficial for their damn bodies. thanks for nothing. i won't forget this.. it doesn't matter if i have a brain injury and i may forget some things sometimes. i don't forget shit that ACTUALLY matters to me.

LET ME ELABORATE ON MY LAST POST.

to expand on my last post since i'm SURE amanda just conveniently assumes that my grandma would've got me to new york if she really supported it.. my grandma was a VERY caring person and she realized that she was getting old- so she didn't know the best or correct way to do things in a way that was successful and guaranteed to be safe for the person she cared enough to speak to EVERY evening on the phone. she also wasn't knowledgable about how to help me get my driver's license again. i'm pretty sure that i had already went through the courage center's driver's program once or maybe twice when she was living. she CLAIMED that amanda would help me get my license again along with a JOB instead of wasting my time and life doing easy ass pointless shit at the courage-LESS center. when i failed the stupid courage center's driving program.. they ALWAYS said, "NEEDS MORE THERAPY." that's funny.. james NOR jesse are completely ambulatory. in fact- james is a quadriplegic and jesse walks with a reverse walker to get around (i used to own a reverse walker until the movers threw it out because it was taking too much room in my apartment). so neither of those guys are more ambulatory/able than me. they just have family who ACTUALLY cares about them. NONE of the things my grandma promised me amanda would do- HAS SHE DONE. i don't understand how someone can live with themselves with the knowledge they lied to their own aunts and made them look like a over-confident crazy old person. maybe because i'm not that shitty of a person. GO BURN SOME FOSSIL FUELS AND VOTE FOR YOUR FAT, BIGOT, LYING FELON OF A MESSIAH GRUMP. i don't have kids yet to worry about their futures like YOU DO. you're voting for that dick because you don't have a brain of your own- so you just go along with your husbands' choices. oh well- not my problem considering he's probably going to deport me to mexico just like kilmar abrego garcia who was waiting for this stupid country to confirm his citizenship (just like i am) when ICE came and arrested him (but he ended up suing the grump administration for wrongly deporting him). i would like to remind amanda that MY LIFE is MY LIFE to deal with the consequences.. NOT YOURS. NOT MY FAKE ASS LAZY MOM'S. MINE. i had to leave for my spanish class earlier, so i didn't have enough time to say EVERYTHING that i meant to post.. hopefully i remembered most of what i forgot to say.

i don't have advocacy. my grandma was so FOOLISH to put her confidence in someone who doesn't even know the little amount of info. that she HERSELF knew.

i was laying in bed this morning before i got up thinking about when my driver's permit expires. i think i've taken the damn knowledge test at least 8 times in my life. i think about the past disabled people with driver's licenses in the previous apartment i used to live in burnsville. jesse and james obviously have families that ACTUALLY care about them- NOT JUST when it's CONVENIENT and beneficial to them. so the reason why i don't have my driver's license falls on the people who are SUPPOSEDLY SUPPOSED to be "supporting" me- considering THEY ARE THE MAIN REASON WHY I'M NOT WHERE I COULD BE. my grandma built my hopes up so much. FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME- I WAS NOT DRIVING THE VEHICLE IN THE ACCIDENT WHICH CAUSED ME TO LOSE MY LICENSE ULTIMATELY. I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A DROP OF ALCOHOL IN MY SYSTEM.. BUT THE DRIVER? HE WAS DRINKING AND WAS THE CAUSE OF THE ACCIDENT AND HE DOES HAVE HIS DRIVER'S LICENSE BACK. WHY'S THAT? HE'S FROM NEW YORK AND ACTUALLY HAS A SUPPORT SYSTEM (HIS FAMILY) WHO ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT HIM TO MAKE SURE HE HAS EVERYTHING TO MAKE HIM TRULY HAPPY AND SUCCESSFUL- ME.. PFFT.. I GOT A SUPPORT SYSTEM THAT TELLS ME "YOU GOT THIS!" WHENEVER I COME TO THEM FOR HELP WITHOUT EVEN OFFERING HELP OR ADVOCACY. MY FAMILY IS MORE CONCERNED ABOUT THEIR OWN LIVES. I WAS THE ONE WHO ULTIMATELY GOT EVERYTHING I MANAGED TO GET. NOT AMANDA. I VOLUNTEERED AT PHILANDO'S MEMORIAL AND HIS MOM NETWORKED FOR ME TO GET THE JOB I HAVE RIGHT NOW. NOT AMANDA LIKE MY GRANDMA ASSUMED SHE'D BE MORE PROACTIVE IN HELPING ME GET. AMANDA TOOK THE EASY ROUTE AND ASSUMED THAT MY GRANDMA JUST UNDERESTIMATED ME LIKE EVERYONE IN THIS WORLD AND ASSUMED I WAS HAPPY AND SATISFIED WITH BEING A REHAB. TOOL FOR THE COURAGE CENTER. IF SHE REALLY CARED- SHE'D HAVE KNOWLEDGE OF MY LONG HISTORY WITH COURAGE KENNY. MY GRANDMA CLAIMED THAT AMANDA KNEW THE GAME PLAN AND WOULD HAVE ME IN NEW YORK!.. MY GRANDMA DIED 10 YEARS AGO. i remember talking to people about moving to new york when my money was with wells fargo and i had a consultant helping me but my grandma was still alive when my money was with wells fargo and she got too paranoid that the consultant was taking too much of my money and just assumed someone else could do what they were doing for cheaper and it wouldn't come from my money. my grandma was so naive. she THOUGHT that amanda would just do everything my consultant at wells fargo was doing. she meant well but she didn't have ANY experience with this at all and it's obvious judging how she put all her trust in someone to help me with something that she can't even do herself.

COLD AND SLIPPERY AS ICE.

at work today, at least two people called asking if they could speak to someone in spanish- or they were just the same person asking the same question in two different calls. ilhan omar has an office at sabathani and i'm pretty sure i overheard the security guard talking to someone about her meeting someone. i hope i can meet her- maybe i'll get an opportunity to meet her seeing as i usually find myself in the right place at the right time and i get to meet famous people. i was reading some story about someone asking her if she married her brother and they said they heard it from grump.. grump will pull anything outta his fat ass to distract from doing his ACTUAL job properly and idiots who are so quick to believe anything some russian-tool felon says. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND SO DO I. it's just embarassing being related to such idiots who are quick to believe hateful lies like his fat ass claims to distract from him running this damn country into the ground. now your children won't have a country to raise their kids in the future. damn selfish redumplikkkans. how would YOU like it if someone said that YOU were married to your brother? when i was walking out to catch my lyft ride this evening when the car came to pick me up to bring me to my apartment, LUCKILY the security guard and some other guy were walking in back of me and they helped me so i didn't slip while trying to grab the side rail when walking to the lyft vehicle, if they hadn't been there- i would've almost been guaranteed to break my arm or hip while sliding down the sidewalk and trying to use the rail to assist me in walking. i would've more than likely been fucked if the security guard and the other guy who helped me wasn't there. now i gotta go see what i'm having for supper.

next possible job.. i don't know if i should get my hopes up about this either..

i just had my ics session, i had him fill out an evelope on where i should send my passport application. although, he said it'd probably be better if i went to the office physically and entered it in. so i'm gonna check if fredrick will take me to send it in there or i may just have to make a lyft ride myself. fredrick came today and bought me pizza for his birthday and then i had my job interview today at 2. i'm not sure i should put confidence in getting this job at all, considering the girl i knew from camp courage was familiar with the place since i remember seeing her last time i interviewed i think- i don't have a problem with her but she tries to create problems whenever i'm present places (from my experience at camp). i don't remember saying or doing anything wrong at the interview and i did remember to give the guy i spoke to about the job a flyer about the work-try out program that my job coach's supervisor told me to give the people i interview with from now on. i'm not sure they'll go for it but i'll try anything to get hired again i guess. it's worth a try.. maybe the employer will go for it, maybe they won't. can't blame a person for trying seeing as i KNOW i'm capable of more than mindlessly going to some rehabilitation "institute" which takes advantage of it's non-advocated for vulnerable adults JUST to appear "helpful" while totally ignoring their potential and abilities to get business and look "HELPFUL" and morons who don't REALLY care for what's REALLY going on with their family members who are clients of the place couldn't give a shit because they THINK it makes them appear "CARING" to everyone else who doesn't have the time to see what's REALLY going on with them (you-need-COURAGE-to-waste-your-time-here KENNY). WHO CARES ABOUT WHAT STACY IS REALLY CAPABLE OF, JUST MAKE US LOOK LIKE WE ACTUALLY GIVE A DAMN ABOUT HER SINCE EVERYONE JUST AUTOMATICALLY ASSUMES THAT DISABLED PEOPLE WHO GO TO THE COURAGE CENTER HAVE FAMILIES THAT ACTUALLY GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THEM BECAUSE THEIR FAMILY MUST BE SUPPORTIVE OF THEM TO SEND THEM TO THERAPY- WHETHER THEY NEED IT OR NOT! SHE DOES HAVE A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY! THAT MEANS STUPID! NO ONE CARES ABOUT WHAT STUPID PEOPLE THINK OR DO! RIGHT AMANDA?! i mean.. YOU OBVIOUSLY don't.. so don't act like i'm crazy for getting that impression. i'm NOT throwing away EVERYTHING i worked my ass off to get JUST because it's hard for someone who acts like i'm inconvenient to her and only pays attention to me when it's beneficial and/or convenient for HER when it's MY life we're dealing with here. you're naive as hell if you assume i'll go for letting YOU convince me that my goals are too inconvenient or crazy just because you can't see YOURSELF doing them. let me remind you probably for the 100th time- this is MY life. NOT yours. NOT my mom's. MINE. I have to deal with the fuckin consequences to MY life. my grandma over-confidently and naively put her trust and conviction in YOU helping to get me to new york. i'm assuming you're just ignoring everything your aunt promised me you'd do because you don't CARE about me or her.. for that matter. just so it appears you actually give a damn to everyone else- AS LONG AS IT'S CONVENIENT AND/OR BENEFICIAL TO YOU OF COURSE! STACY'S STUPID BECAUSE SHE HAS A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY.. SO WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT WHAT SHE THINKS OR DOES! RIGHT AMANDA?! being in this state completely damages my self-esteem.. i always need to be busy or constructive in order to keep my mind off what other people like AMANDA think about me.

lazy ics worker

alright. so i called the ics office to see if they'd have my ics session with me since NO ONE came to my apartment today at 9:30 am.. they didn't even call me. then abdul said, "IF the ics has time later- they can see you." well i just called them like 10 minutes ago to see if they'd have ics with me and the only worker it seems abdul answered and said, "well.. i don't have time now.." and then i said, "YOU SAID EARLIER THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO CALL LATER AND THE ICS WOULD HAVE A SESSION WITH ME." then he said, "yeah but you called me at the wrong time.." he does this shit to me all the time and if my case manager doesn't take care of this- i will call the case manager's supervisor and tell her about this. i just remembered i have a few cards from the state of minnesota who would probably be interested in the ics not doing their jobs to help a vulnerable adult when they're paid to help them. i know i must have at least two different cards (i think i lost the other ones) from different people from the state who came to visit me every now and then at my apartment.. i see why now. checking to see if people are actually doing their jobs. that more than likely explains these state of minnesota cards i found in my planner and couldn't remember who gave them to me- now i remember.

Appropriate way of speaking at certain times

i forgot if i pointed this out when speaking about how the guy for the tax verification job at thomson reuters asked me if there was something wrong with me yesterday.. THAT is just ONE of the MANY reasons why i don't "GOT THIS!".. when people inappropriately deal with me- like asking me disrespectful questions like that. i suppose he felt like he didn't really feel that he needed to take my feelings into consideration because i didn't have anyone like my job coach listening in on the conversation. i did tell my job coach that he asked me if anything was wrong with me and she said that was "mean" of him to ask me. like i said though- if they're going to think it's acceptable to ask their employees questions like that- i don't wanna work there anyway.

when you have a tbi- be prepared for people to take advantage of you and cancel ANY goals/plans you have for yourself.. ESPECIALLY IF YOU LIVE IN MINNESOTA!

i was supposed to have ics today at 9:30 am and i was unaware, i forgot to check my calendar to see when i was supposed to have it yesterday because i ASSUMED it'd be at like 5 today because i work from 3-5 today. however, i just looked at my calendar on my computer desk and i'm supposed to have it at 9:30 am this morning but *gasp*.. no one showed up OR called me! so i called the office immediately to see when i could have a session and unsurprisingly- abdul is working. i told the lady who is in charge of this ics program that abdul always tried to avoid having ics with me, it's like he assumes and takes advantage of the fact that most of the clients in this program skip their ics sessions because i'm assuming they don't wanna be bothered. I, on the other hand, have goals which i need assistance from a healthy body and i'm anxious to get them completed because sittin here is just wasting time. needless to say- i doubt the lady in charge of this ics program addressed my concerns about abdul trying not to have ics sessions with me- that moron is really the main ics worker here- so i'm not really getting anything done and God forbid anyone advocates for me because that would mean they'd have to go through the work of helping advocate for a vulnerable adult who lived through a car accident which NEARLY killed her but she worked her ass off in rehab. with the help of ARP therapy- became ambulatory (even though i lose my balance every now and then, it beats having a sore ass from sitting in the same place EVERY DAY). SO.. CONSIDERING SHE DID MANAGE TO BECOME AMBULATORY AGAIN.. SHE'S GOT THIS! 6 MONTHS IN A COMA, OVER 15 YEARS IN A DAMN ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIR, SHE'S GOT THIS! RIGHT AMANDA?! EVEN THOUGH NO ONE LISTENS TO HER AND TO PROVE THAT- I JUST STARTED TO WORK AN ACTUAL JOB (WITHOUT THE HELP OF MY GRANDMA NETWORKING FOR ME) SINCE IT WAS EASIER FOR EMPLOYERS TO TOSS MY APPLICATION RATHER THAN TO GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO ACTUALLY WORK! AMANDA DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT THOUGH.. SHE DOESN'T CARE EITHER BECAUSE IT'S EASIER FOR HER TO JUST EMPTILY SAY TO ME, "YOU GOT THIS!".. another reason why it's taking so fucking long to do ANYTHING. generally, when people are in car accidents (especially ones that cause a traumatic brain injury, nearly killing the person), their FAMILY helps to advocate for them and supports them.. my family? no.. "YOU GOT THIS!" is ALL the "support" i get. just because she doesn't agree with my goals and it'd actually take TIME along with CARE to help me successfully complete my goals- amanda doesn't have time or desire to do any of that and she can just make it make sense seeing as she doesn't agree with my goals. she wants me to live my life all the ways that her husband and her insult! it's easier for her, SO WHO CARES ABOUT STACY, RIGHT? SHE REFUSES TO GO TO THE COURAGE CENTER MINDLESSLY LIKE SHE TRIED TO GET ME TO DO BECAUSE IT'D GIVE HER SISTER-IN-LAW ANOTHER MINDLESS CLIENT AT THERAPY AT THE COURAGE CENTER EVEN THOUGH I MUST'VE WENT THERE FOR AT LEAST 20 FUCKING YEARS OF MY LIFE. I DON'T EVEN HAVE MY DRIVER'S LICENSE BACK AND I TOLD THEM WHEN I FIRST STARTED GOING THERE, THAT WAS ONE OF MY GOALS. so OF COURSE- THEY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY LACK OF ADVOCACY.. BECAUSE WHY NOT?! STACY IS STUPID WITH A TBI, SO WE'LL TRY TO MAKE HER DO REHABILITATION HER WHOLE FUCKING LIFE SINCE NO ONE IS ADVOCATING FOR HER! time to get ready for work.

on to other pathways..

so i just move onto the next possible job- an employer that i HAVE interviewed with at least twice before called me after thomson reuters and asked me to come to their eagan offices on wednesday to have an interview. i feel like i've interviewed with them a few times in the past and for some reason, i remember this mean girl who i met at camp courage working at one of their offices.. so i pretty much didn't put much confidence in getting and keeping that job when i interviewed with them that time- needless to say, they didn't call me back or they told me they found someone else. i should look for them work-try out flyers that my job coach gave me and i'm pretty sure most of the cards she gave me fell outta my bag.. i may have one or two of her business cards to call if they're interested but i need to look for those flyers. i feel like i have one or two of them in my bag that i bring to work.

i'm not to blame here.

alright.. i'm trying to take this assessment for some tax verification assistant job and i couldn't get the zoom meeting loaded on my desktop. so the guy who is giving me the assessment just called me and i said, "well, i have my email logged on my desktop and it's still not working.." then i went on my cell phone's gmail account and it worked there but it says the assessment must be taken on a laptop. so i assume a pc is the next best thing because i DO have THREE laptops sitting under my windows between my living room and kitchen but i'm trying to improvise to make it more convenient for me. then the guy pretty much put the nail in the coffin when he asked me if something was wrong with me, my speech is completely clear and i personally don't think anything sounds wrong with my tone of voice but i'm not really sure how some people think. i should've taken the hint when the guy asked me if something was wrong with me for no reason. accusing ME of having "something wrong" with ME when i was speaking clearly.. i'm not even sure if i wanna work for a place which is gonna jump to accusing me of having something wrong with ME when shit goes wrong. fredrick is gonna bring me to the mall now to go christmas shopping. i'll hopefully forget about this shit. i think i speak with my psychologist later, so maybe she can help me work it out (if not with job itself- but in my mind).

bloody hell

now i'm pretty sure i understand why rochelle was always so happy to get her period. i HATE my period- so when she used to always announce happily that she got her period to maurice and i, i was confused- then i just assumed it was because she was such a whore that it was just reassurance she wasn't pregnant. i hadn't got my period in a few months and i had a fear in the back of my mind that one of the stupid medicines i take caused me to be infertile.. i don't know of any of the pills i take having that side effect but with my luck- i'd run into one that they would just find out it causes infertility after it caused me to be infertile. that's not the case.. YET anyway, i found blood in the toilet tonight and i also was cautious because the last few times i had sex, the guy hadn't used a condom and i assumed i might be pregnant after a few months of not getting my period. so now i see why rochelle may have been happy to have her period- now that i experienced it personally. don't get me wrong here- i am by NO MEANS anxious to have a baby but i'd like to have the opportunity still available to me IF i ever found a guy worth it to me (which i haven't PERSONALLY yet, so i'm on the pill and i even asked my nurse if she made sure i got my birth control doses every day and she insisted that she always loads doses in my anodyne machine and i make sure i take my pills EVERY day whenever it tells me to). getting pregnant is just not one of my top priorities at this moment because i'm trying to get back on my feet and adding another life to take care of as a single mom would not be very easy for me and i would really prefer NOT to kill another fetus through abortion.