deja-vu?

great.. i scheduled another meeting for a front desk position at some hotel next week. thing is.. this particular hotel sounds familiar- kinda like one of the very first hotels i applied at and was actually hired but i quit during training because the lady who hired me had already hired too many people to work the front desk- so she tried to stick me in the breakfast attendant position because she was trying to look for a spot for me to work. when she told me that she was gonna hire me as a breakfast attendant, i was neutral and looking for anything to start the hospitality field in- so i said, "ok." because i assumed it was just clearing tables and washing dishes. the guy training me was some old guy who had worked there for somethin like 10 some years and i heard him talking about me to the front desk girls and he was like, "GOSH.. I'M TRYING TO TRAIN HER IN BUT.. LOOK AT HER!" the front desk girls didn't really say anything to go along with him. he was just an ornery old man. he's probably lucky that he was an old man because if a younger person had said that shit and been talking about me to other people just to look smart- i would've probably made it apparent that i could hear him. i tried to do EVERYTHING he told me to and i did it without falling and/or making a mess- the only real difficulty i couldn't do that i needed him to do it for me was taking these jugs of heavy liquid to another part of the hotel kitchen. i didn't really feel like getting hurt while doing a job, so i asked him if he could assist me- he did but then bitched about it to the front desk girls. i'm not sure this is the same hotel though- all the hotels i've interviewed at basically look the same to me. one of the guys interviewing me at some hotel asked me if he had interviewed me before- i said, "i'm not sure. this place looks familiar but all the hotels look similar." i'm anxious to get familiar with the hospitality industry because i think what i'm doing now at sabathani is relatively dealing with hospitality, so i'm managing to get more people in hotels interested in me. i just hope the people aren't like "OH!.. you AGAIN." and they don't even end up considering me. all i can do is check it out with a good attitude and hope for the best. i should've really told the lady who hired me about the guy who was training me- gossiping about me and let her handle it before just quitting. maybe this is a do-over in life? to see if i handle it differently before just letting it get to me and quitting.

something that bothers me.

something irritates me every now and then.. i'm sure that's one of the reasons i was diagnosed with PTSD from my psychologist. how in the hell did my mom just expect to get away with holding ME in front of HER while my dad was kicking her (from my dream flashbacks- it was just in a nonchalant fashion trying to show my dad why he should calm down when he was angry and violent but also as a SHIELD to shield him from kicking her). i find it kind of weird because my flashbacks are not from MY VIEW (my perspective since I am the one witnessing it).. it's like showing the whole picture of me being held up by my mom in front of my dad while he's kicking her when i was like 4 and i was helpless and naive (i really didn't know what was going on except for my narcissistic mother purposely bringing me into a quarrel between her and my dad because no one seemed to really care when it was just between her and my dad- so she figured if she brought me into it, people might actually give a shit).. nice- a mother that cares about her daughter so much she'd risk her daughter's well-being just to save HERSELF. any other parent that actually cares about their child would try their hardest to remove their child from getting hurt- EVEN IF IT MEANT SACRIFICING THEMSELVES. my mom? NOOO. i was truthfully reminded of this shit when i had my last surgery and a dream i had reminiscing it. kinda like God was trying to show me why i was going through what i was going through. the spawn of satan is not gonna get away with this shit. i figured out that's probably why she is where she is just barely scraping by in life. that's more than likely why she doesn't come across opportunities in life to excel. besides- she's convinced she's too disabled to do anything, so she doesn't feel like she has to try! you know what that's called? LAZY. go get your flying monkeys to lie for you and defend you but it's NOT gonna bring me down to your level. cling to fat amy or your flying monkey niece. i'm getting as FAR as i can from you because you don't wanna see me progress in life- your selfish ass figures she should cling to me since misery loves company. get it from your other daughter. i didn't ask to be your daughter. stop making it worse for me. it's sad because when i told jay about my dreams of you holding me in front of our dad- the first thing he said was, "yeah.. that sounds like something mom would do." because even he experienced your narcissism growing up (i'm sure it was worse for him since he's your least favorite child since he's a boy). he told me a story about how you yelled at him when amy's dad almost poked his eye out when we were younger. you're quite possibly the worst mom in history and I GET DAMNED ENOUGH TO HAVE YOU AS MY MOM! talk about shitty luck. OHHH.. i've only had to have at least two surgeries because of your selfish ass! show me some other kid who had to have surgery on their bowels TWICE because their mom held them in front of their dad while he was kicking them and i'll change my mind. bet your flying monkeys never had their mom hold them in front of their dad while he was kicking them. i don't even want anything to do with your negative ass anymore. you can always manage to find something to bitch about. my friends that read my blog and just jump to the conclusion that i'm overexaggering this anger.. has YOUR mom ever held YOU in front of your dad while he was kicking her? if not- i'm not interested on your thoughts or feelings about this. if you had ANY respect or care for me- you'd empathize and see things from MY point of view. not just because you've never had to experience a parent doing horrible, SELFISH things like this to their own daughter. so you assume she's not capable of anything this stupid, selfish, and careless. i wish i was lying but my body doesn't let me get over it- with all the damn surgeries i've had to have on my abdominal organs/bowel. I'M PROBABLY NOT DONE! I'M PROBABLY BOUND TO SHIT IN A COLOSTOMY BAG SINCE MY PARENTS ARE SELFISH ASS PRICKS! *claps* the thing that really peels my grill is that my selfish ass mom has NEVER once brought this situation up to me. she's probably ashamed of her stupidity and doesn't have any excuse for it. she didn't even see how i was doing the last time i had surgery on my bowel. NOBODY but JOE checked on me in the hospital (he even video chatted with me to see how i was doing). so staying in this state really doesn't matter to my family except they care that it makes them look like a bad family since their own family member doesn't wanna stay in the same state as them. people obviously DON'T give a fuck about my living situation or i guarantee you if they did- they'd be trying to get me out of this state for my own well-being. amanda realizes this reality and is taking advantage of it by not assisting me. "what about how your mom took care of you after your car accident?" THAT WAS BECAUSE MY GRANDMA MADE HER. she can't take responsibility for that because i remember MANY times when i heard her whining to my grandma about taking care of me. she even left me at her house ALONE when i was WHEELCHAIR BOUND just to go to the bar and play pool with her little boyfriend carlos. so can it with that bright idea of a defense for her neglect, flying monkey. PLUS, last i knew- that was basically the responsibility of a CARING PARENT- taking care of your kids when they were sick or injured. she should've just stuck to having dogs.. she'd probably ACTUALLY take care of them.

i wonder.

i know i've wrote about this on my blog before and i still haven't figured out the answer. why do people expect a person to accept the same treatment/situations they would NEVER accept for themselves/their kids.. because it's more convenient and beneficial for them and they have absolutely NO regard or care for that matter about the person they're expecting to accept the shitty excuse of support/encouragement graciously. i KNOW damn well that amanda wouldn't just throw away all the good grades and sports/extracurricular activities she's done JUST to go on social security and not work just because it's more convenient to her family. she wouldn't expect her kids to either- she'd support whatever decision and goals they had and actually see what she could do to help them accomplish the goals. why does she treat me differently even though i DO happen to be related to her? the only answer i have for that question is: SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME ENOUGH TO SUPPORT MY GOALS. fuck empathy. she doesn't care anyway! so i won't forget that ever. get as cocky as you want with your life- you'll learn. i did. she clearly doesn't care about me, like the rest of my damn family (except joe and jay).

note to self: don't scratch things just because they look like they itch.

well.. the nurse that fills my anodyne machine looked at the little rash by my shoulder, on the ride side of my body above my chest and at first she said, "IT LOOKS LIKE BITES! WERE YOU OUTSIDE ANYTIME?!" and i said, "no." then she called my primary doctor's clinic to see if she could make an appointment for it but she was all booked, so then she asked me if i had anyone that could bring me to urgent care and they could look at it then. i said to her, "well fredrick is coming at 3 and i could see if he could bring me." i called fredrick after she left and he told me he couldn't come to my place until after 3:30 and pretty much ignored when i asked if he could bring me to the emergency room to check out my shoulder. he said, "THAT RED PART WAS THERE A WHILE AGO!" as if i shouldn't be concerned because it couldn't get worse or some bullshit- it actually looks worse than when he pointed it out to me the other day- heh, i'm not sure if it's because i wanted to see if it itched, so i scratched it a little and it stung like a bitch- so i stopped. i'm not sure what it is but he's not in a hurry to help me get it relieved it seems like. it doesn't itch and doesn't really hurt since i itched it to see (i'm not sure wtf i was trying to see now that i think of it, it didn't give me an itching sensation). i don't know if he's even gonna take me to urgent care for it today because it's getting so late now. oh well, i'll just cover it if i need to hide it from anyone seeing it.

working on usefulness.

i was just thinking of that night auditor job i interviewed for. my grandma would work the overnight shift making medical parts at lake region (until she retired.. she must've worked there around 20 years i think?). i don't think i ever asked her why she worked late all the time but i'm assuming it's because she had the same sleeping problems that i do. she couldn't sleep at night- so she may have figured that she should make herself constructive and work instead of lay in bed at night with her eyes closed, hoping she'll eventually fall asleep. (i'm not positive that's how she felt but that's my normal sleep routine basically every night) she WAS also damned with having to depend on a CPAP machine to sleep also (she often raved at how much it helped her sleep and i needed to get one but at that time- my insurance acted like i wasn't eligible for a life saving device like that..) i don't remember her working the day shift in my life- maybe it's my memory problems but i honestly don't remember- all i can remember is her working night shift. i also noticed another possible similarity to her.. i've developed this little patch of red bumps right by my right shoulder. i was wondering if maybe i was allergic to my deodorant but that's not exactly where i put deodorant on. i also have been using the same brand of body wash (ivory and i read it's supposedly the best for skin).. so i'm pretty sure it's not that. i remember my grandma getting rashes on her skin (which would actually turn black and blue for whatever reason) and she told me it was psoriasis and that i'd never have to worry about getting it since my skin was so healthy and tan. grandma is more than likely WRONG AGAIN (i say "again" because i still remember her telling me that the united states would never elect a black man to be president.. so that was obviously before obama and she didn't live to see either of obama's terms). my genetics are fuckin me again. what's new? i gotta ask the nurse when she comes to my place in like 5 minutes if this is psoriasis and i need to show her the rash.
i managed to schedule another job interview since the lady had messaged me on indeed, interested in hiring me. i'm pretty sure this may just be for the weekend shifts but anything to get me more experience. i really don't have anything better to do. i remember seeing a girl who gave me problems at camp courage one year at the job when i was training for it before and i'm not sure if she told them something bad about me- so they never ended up calling me back after the interview. i don't know what that girl's problem is but she needs to figure shit out about how to help HERSELF so she doesn't take it out on others. i hate shitty people like that- so she also helped me to decide to stop going to camp.. I'M NEVER GOING BACK. i'm not sacrificing my presence for jealous, pretentious idiots ANYWHERE EVER AGAIN. *gasp* YES i DO have INTEGRITY and a mind of MY own. go screw yourself. not everything is genetic.

interview

well, i just had my interview at the hotel for the night auditor job. i had originally assumed it was for the front desk position, so when i got there and the lady asked me which position i was interviewing for, i just said, "i think the front desk position.." then she went in back and while she was talking to someone, the thought that it might've been a night auditor position. so she came back and said, "the position you're interviewing for is the night auditor position." then i said, "OH! yeah i'm sorry. usually my interviews have been for the front desk.. so i wasn't sure!" then she said, "that's ok." i had been thinking on my way to this interview how i should avoid telling the interviewer if they asked what times to avoid because it was probably a night position. the lady actually took the first iniative to give me a card and told me when she'd get back to me. i don't think too many interviewers have done that in the past- maybe the very first hotel i got hired at the hilton. i haven't been sleeping for shit- so i might as well be constructive while i'm awake. earlier today, i actually spoke to the sleep person who is deciding if i should get a cpap or a mouth device to help me breathe while i sleep. i told them that the cpap mask makes my nose red- so i'd prefer a mouth device instead. HOWEVER- with my shitty ass poor people insurance- THEY DON'T COVER THAT! they said i could pay for it outta pocket but i'm assuming amy would say i didn't have much money and try to go the cheap route anyway. so i'm pretty sure the sleep doctor told me i have to consult who gave me my cpap in the first place and arrange shit with them. so needless to say- they weren't too much of a help to get my sleep problems resolved.

busy day.

i have another busy day.. i have two interviews scheduled PLUS i'm going to sabathani later. one of the interviews is just a google meeting but the other one is an in-person interview. i hope they got my confirmation of the interview, so they have me on their schedule. i'm not really sure how to check and knowing my luck- they'll tell me they don't have me on their schedule when i show up there for an interview later. i'll check to see if there's any way i can call them and/or check other ways. ah well- hopefully they have me on their schedule. we'll just have to see.

this state is NOTHING but a *HOLE* for me.

well my therapist just left my place, then i was sitting on my couch, thinking about what to do and LUCKILY i was looking at indeed at i seen that some guy who i scheduled a google meeting for a job interview for a receptionist job at his business was messaging me asking me if i was in the google meeting yet. so i went to the google meeting and did the interview with the man. he asked me a question, i'm not really sure it was polite to ask.. "do you have any medical problems? you sound like something is wrong with you." i'm pretty sure i squinted my eyes with a "WHAT THE FUCK" look on my face after he said that for a second. then i swallowed my temper and said, "well, i have a brain injury." i'm pretty sure he's gonna discriminate against me for telling him what my medical issue was. so i'm not sure if i should tell the lady from the ymca about him possibly discriminating against me because of my brain injury.. i'll probably tell her and i'm trying to think if there's anyone else that i can tell about this that would help me. i don't really have a desire to work at some place who discriminates against me for something that really isn't in my control and doesn't identify my persistence and motivation to work, just by looking at my job experience. he also asked me why there was a big gap in my work experience and i told him it was because i moved so much. he asked me why i moved so much (of course) and i said, "well.. i was living in burnsville at an apartment and i got told i had to leave, so i moved to another apartment in st. paul but i only signed a lease there.. now finally, i'm here.. i've been looking for jobs ever since." so needless to say (if you have ANY intelligence), location was a big barrier for me finding jobs which would actually consider hiring me because when i was living in burnsville- i had a job coach but no jobs would actually consider hiring me because i lived so far away from the jobs and that wasn't reliable. the fact that those anuses also took my driving privileges away doesn't help transportation to jobs either. i didn't start getting interviews until i moved to st. paul. so me being kept in burnsville made my resume look bad since nobody wants to hire a worker who takes forever to get to work did NOT help me in life. i'm not being a fucking idiot depending on just social security for people who REALLY don't give a fuck about me- they just like keeping the image they're "caring family members". so the only reason i lived there was for the convenience of people who just care about me whenever it's CONVENIENT and/or BENEFICIAL for them which really aggravates a person after a while. they can't even answer the fucking phone when i'd go to the emergency room (whenever i called my mom- she'd always start bawling, acting like the world was ending- i'm OBVIOUSLY ok if i can fuckin call you.. she just wanted attention AS USUAL- so i stopped calling her and i foolisly had confidence in amanda caring- but IT WASN'T CONVENIENT FOR HER TO ANSWER THE PHONE! so i called the only family member of mine who actually cares- joe and he actually answered the phone and video chatted with me when i ended up having to have surgery because of my narcissistic, selfish mother). let me tell you- i don't give a fuck about my "friends" who refuse to talk to me but have to have their noses in my business- so they check my blog so they have something to talk about because THEY'RE PERFECT. NOT EVERYONE HAS FAMILIES THAT ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THEM! yes- that IS the amount of "care" i receive from people in this state. however- nobody seems to give a fuck about me to help me get to a place where people ACTUALLY care about me when there's not something in it for them and/or when it's not convenient for them. the longer i'm in this fuckin hole of a state- THE LESS LIKELY I'LL ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO FIND PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT ME (acting clingy and stalking me so it appears you care- is NOT "care" either, fat amy and mother from hell). i was talking to my therapist about how some people ONLY look at the negative side of things. i said, "because it gives them somethin to talk about. that's exactly why i don't call and i avoid speaking to my mom. i realized she ALWAYS has something to complain about and i'm trying to get rid of negativity in my life.". maybe you asses will figure that out and find something to concern yourself with that ACTUALLY HELPS YOU. stalking someone trying to get theirselves out of the hell you put them in does NOT "help" you. if anything- the only thing it does is help piss me off and remove my desire to EVER speak to any of you again. that includes my mom and her flying monkeys (my sister and cousin jessiy). mind your business and go read a book or something.. unless that's your motive! and you dicks have succeeded.

CAN'T PEOPLE DO THEIR DAMN JOBS?!

are ALL people who are paid to help people in times of need this fucking incompetent and useless? i just got off the phone with some guy who said he was in charge of maintanence for pres (the apartment management for this apartment) this weekend and he said, "you know how the toilet is full of water? don't flush it anymore and just use a plunger.." then i raised my voice when speaking in the phone and said, "I JUST TOLD YOU. THE PLUNGER ISN'T THAT GOOD. MY PCA JUST TRIED TO USE IT AND IT'S NOT WORKING." then he said, "well tell your caretaker to go to the store and buy a new one." then i said in an irritated voice, "OKAY. I'LL TELL MY PCA TO GO TO THE STORE AND BUY A NEW PLUNGER BECAUSE THE MAINTANENCE IS TOO DAMN INCOMPETENT TO DO THEIR DAMN JOBS!" then i hung up and told fredrick what the guy said and then fredrick said, "i'm off work. i told you to just go to the bathroom without flushing it.." then i said, "IT'LL OVERFLOW BECAUSE I PISS TOO MUCH! I FELT THE WATER TOUCHING MY VAGINA!" then he just used a cup to physically scoop the water out of my toilet and threw it in the shower. man.. i don't even know if the maintanence guy is gonna come still after i yelled at him and hung the phone up. i'll just have to go to the bathroom until it overflows and let it overflow on me- hopefully i don't get a yeast or bladder infection from this shit touching my vagina all the time after i let it just overflow.. and hopefully i don't have to take a shit before it gets fixed. i told the ics that it was overflowing and the woman said, "just let it overflow. we'll deal with it when it happens." disgusting.. alright. i don't have any other solutions presented to me.

the purpose..

i'm pretty sure God is probably delaying or taking away the possibility of having children because i don't need a child to soften my heart- i already have enough empathy and understanding to be a complete person that i don't need to have children in my life to make me a better person. he is probably putting children in the people who actually need to understand more about humanity and actually MATURE. God may also realize my LACK of support and help i get in my life and doesn't wanna add to it and put any more difficulty in my life.

haven't i had ENOUGH taken from me?

i was scrolling facebook the other day (i think it was?) and there was a post from a disabled woman complaining about how she was having trouble getting married because something with her income and it was required to file joint with her husband and he had to make so much. so that's probably just another thing that will be taken away from me! oh well- i hadn't planned on having kids anyway. i can't remember a time in my life where i genuinely had the desire to have children. who knows though? i'll probably end up having a bunch after i'm posting on my blog how i don't wanna have any.. so i'll shut up about that now. i'm just a little irritated that i'm not even the real cause of my tbi but i'm the one who has to deal with the consequences. the cause of my traumatic brain injury is able to get married and have kids all he wants though! MUST BE BECAUSE I'M THE SPAWN OF SATAN! (who happens to wear a cross on her neck.. probably just to fool people into thinking she's a good person)
i really don't know if the last place i interviewed with has filled the position by now and the woman who wrote down her information for me on a card for the living program was just trying to be nice?.. i hope not because i really want to work more than i am now. i might have to tell scott i'd like more hours.. he seems like a nice guy, so he'll probably try his best to help me.

why is it doing this?

i searched "when your heart flutters what does that mean?" on google yesterday and it said: Common Everyday Triggers- Stress and anxiety: High emotions trigger a fight-or-flight response that speeds up your heartbeat. Stimulants: Consuming caffeine (like coffee or energy drinks), nicotine, or certain cold medicines with pseudoephedrine can stimulate your heart. Dehydration: Low fluid levels in your body force your heart to work harder to pump blood. Lifestyle factors: Intense physical exercise, lack of sleep, or heavy alcohol use can make you more aware of your heartbeat. Hormones and health: Changes during pregnancy, menstruation, menopause, fever, or an overactive thyroid can also cause flutters.
well, considering i only have 1 or 2 cans of pop a day at the most- i highly doubt it's that because i used to drink more pop and my heart never fluttered. nicotine.. i don't smoke, the first puff of a cigarette would probably kill me and besides that- THEY STINK. i don't remember the last time i had a cold to take cold medicine.. so that possibility is out. i'm not as active as i used to be and so i'm also doubting the "intense physical excercise" suggestion, could be lack of sleep and i don't drink alcohol enough for it to be considered "heavy". i'm really thinking it's dehydration related even though ALL i drink now is water, along with one or two cans of mt. dew. i know my mom has (maybe HAD but i doubt it) migraines which are caused by dehydration. that's why they pump her with shots of water and botox when she goes to the emergency room. i've had botox but i'm pretty sure i first started getting pumped with shots of botox at least 10 years before she did and i had it in everything from opening my hands up (because they used to be closed from muscle tone after i was in a car accident and i had to have my hands/fingers casted open) to my neck, arms, and legs. however- i'm thinking that my heart also never used to flutter because of the ARP therapy i used to get because i remember how they used to encourage me to drink water so it would be more effective and i'm thinking the fluid that tram used to use in his arp box thing used to have something that hydrated me? i'm no expert but i'm really thinking that it's fluttering now because the difference in how i used to be more hydrated and my body thinks it should have the same level of hydration as back then- i'm aware i'm far from a doctor.. so i really don't know but that's about the only reason for it i can come up with (other than the only relative i'm aware of having issues with their heart was my grandpa- but he also used to smoke.. which like i said- i don't smoke because it'd probably kill me the first puff.. i wonder if my dad's side of the family had cardiac issues?). even when i'm just laying in bed, my heart will flutter every now and then- i actually got a quick stabbing pain a few days ago in my heart. i'm also guaranteeing that's probably a reason why my psychologist told me not to think about my mom because i noticed my heart starting to flutter when i was thinking about her once. SO THANKS MOM! YOU CAUSE YOUR OWN DAUGHTER TO HAVE HEALTH PROBLEMS! i'm sure she doesn't care. if anything- she feels proud that she actually has an affect on someone. she doesn't give a damn if she causes her own daughter to have anxiety.. SHE'S JUST HAPPY THAT SHE COULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN SOMEONE'S LIFE! also because it's not her favorite daughter.. so who gives a damn! i'm convinced that she doesn't like my brother and i as much as she favors her youngest daughter. could have something to do with how my brother and i have different fathers than my sister and our father traumatized her more, so she figures she has to take it out on us? both men used to beat on her. oh well. she can't give me anything i couldn't get from anyone/anywhere else. after a while without support from your own mother, you learn to find it other places!.. besides, if she just all of a sudden started offering me "support" now- it wouldn't be genuine so it wouldn't matter- AND BESIDES THAT: she doesn't know how to give the support i need! too little, too late.
heh, fredrick just made the observation that he thinks i could be a good secretary because i type fast and how much i've typed just in this blog entry. he also said, "AND YOU'RE A GOOD SPELLER!.. THERE'S NO GRAMATICAL ERRORS! WOW! LOOK AT THAT!" glad someone noticed my talents.. i'm not sure if it'll actually pay off though. shit doesn't tend to work for me. i managed to schedule more interviews for this week coming up- even if they're just virtual, it gets me closer to being hired. i've also noticed the more i talk about getting a job/interviews, the less my mom and sister seem to be interested in my blog. because they can't relate and it's of NO INTEREST to them? they only enjoy seeing me fail and shit not work out for me because misery loves company? thanks assholes, you've just motivated me to get more job interviews!

sleep stats..

i didn't know i slept so little.. just looking at these sleep stats from my happysleep ring. i slept 6 hours and 20 minutes last night. the sleep quality was 77% and breathing quality 96%. i thought my breathing quality was worse than that- but i guess not. i honestly thought i get at least 7 hours of sleep a night but not according to these stats. ics is gonna help me check with happysleep on what to do from here on monday. does fatsy wanna copy my sleeping problems too? she's gotta if she wants to be like me. point is- i go through A LOT of shit just to even exist. i don't just depend on fuckin hand-outs and do nothing all day. i would honestly kill myself if my life was that boring and unconstructive. but maybe that's the point of keeping me from doing things and not being more supportive of me to actually be useful and productive. so i have more time to think about all the things i can't physically do anymore and how much of a useless person i am. THANKS AMANDA FOR HELPING ME!! if i would be forced to go back to courage kenny- i'd get myself kicked outta the facility- i can guarantee you that i'd snap because of the therapists there trying to tell me i can't do certain things because of LIABILITY. it's like people don't care enough about me to help me get to where I want, so i can be constructive and truly useful- NOT JUST PEDDLING MY FUCKIN FEET AND PUSHING AND PULLING BARS AT THE SAME TIME (WHILE SITTING, OF COURSE) AND CALLING IT "PROGRESSING". PROGRESSING AT WHAT?! TURNING INTO A USELESS ROCK?! screw you guys who think i should be grateful for the minimum- when i KNOW i'm capable of MORE. i was thinking.. i wonder if courage kenny is pulling this "liability" bullshit outta their asses and refusing to help ACTUALLY help me physically so i'm ABLE to do things the normal healthy person does- like walk because they found out about details from the car accident i was in? that's fine. i'd rather not go to some place that just assists people who have advocacy that can stroke their dicks. everyone else with a lack of caring, knowledgable advocacy is fucked then- they're just shoved on machines that my living room wall could operate. if amanda and/or anyone else thinks i'm just making this shit up- ask them the last time they PERSONALLY attended courage kenny with me when i used to waste my time there. "YOU GOT THIS!" okay then.. let me do what the fuck I want and support and encourage me, otherwise mind your damn business and stop telling people you're actually trying to help me because YOU DIDN'T HELP ME THE LAST TIME I CALLED YOU IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM (i think it was because i stopped breathing while sleeping and my heart was fluttering). or there was the time when i was still wasting my time at the burnsville dump and i fell outta my wheelchair on the icy parking lot and almost busted my head open- i just had to have stitches above my eye and i had a huge bump on my head. YOU WANNA BE LIKE YOUR BIG SIS SO BAD NOW, FATSY?! i've been through shit that i didn't have the option of taking the easy way out with an abortion. OH! MAYBE BECAUSE I KEPT MY LEGS SHUT AND I'VE BEEN ON THE PILL (OR THE DEPO SHOT A LONG TIME AGO) SINCE I CAN REMEMBER.
i'm on the second to last step for the massachusetts housing company i've applied to (and had to reject a previous housing offer because amy claimed it was so short notice and i had just applied to the housing company (i looked on the account itself after she said that shit and i think it said i had been a member of the housing company for around 7 years?)). i don't enjoy being gaslighted- i don't care how mentally disabled you THINK i am. you work for me. you're supposed to be supportive of my goals for myself, so things work out smoothly in my life without problems (which would probably cost me monetarily in the end). i know what's BEST for MY own life- my grandma told me straight out that i have my head on my shoulders, that's why she didn't have someone be my guardian. if you actually knew how to do your job, you'd know that though, because I am the client.. NOT AMANDA, not any of my other family members. amanda can't even answer the phone for me when i'm in the emergency room- SHE CAN'T EVEN FOLLOW UP ON THE CALL! YOU GOT THIS! i knew who to call that would actually lend care and support- my cousin joe. I know what's best for MY life. i can honestly see why brian used to ask me if i wanted to hire an advocate (before joe came along). my grandma's overconfident, naive ass had all this confidence in amanda to "GET YOU {ME} TO NEW YORK!" *yawn* she didn't consider that amanda is too busy with her own life to be bothered with her vulnerable adult cousin's. she doesn't understand the amount of support a person with a traumatic brain injury who has already lived INDEPENDENTLY in two apartments before this one (with minimum support in an assisted living program). DISABLED PEOPLE ARE NOT ALL THE SAME! *gasp* some require more assistance than the others. you don't see me or anyone else assuming all stylists are the same. i don't just go assuming they ALL know how to do the SAME things. check yourself.