reasons

i forgot to mention one of the primary reasons why my heart has been fluttering and it's proof i need to get as far away from the mother from hell- i notice my heart fluttering when or after i'm talking to my mom on the phone. which is also a reason why i try to avoid communicating with her (i don't call her). i'm pretty sure i remember telling a nurse in the emergency room that i just got done talking to my mom before i started to feel my heart beating irregularly.
i had ics today and he helped me print off some information to nearby grocery stores in the boston area since we're not exactly sure of the apartment i'll be living in- so we don't know exactly where the nearest one is yet. zen told me he'd make a book of resources when i move there but zen doesn't work here anymore and it always seems like i gotta take housing offers in boston right away and be more proactive about it- or they'll give the apartment to someone else. so i'm trying to be on top of my shit before they slide another offer under my eyes and expect me to take it right away.
i was also thinking about the cognitive test i last took and failed- so i can't drive anymore. i remember taking a few of these before this recent one i failed and i passed them- so i could get my permit. well, i wonder if one of the reasons why i failed it this time was because i haven't been doing my own laundry lately (the supervisor of this program said to me a few weeks ago, "stacy.. you know.. you don't have to take out the garbage by yourself- fredrick gets paid to do that kinda stuff.." she must've got taking my garbage out myself mixed up with doing my own laundry (because the other week, i was washing my clothes and the dryer on this floor is broken- so i needed zen's help to take it upstairs to the dryer..). i passed my cognitive test when i was washing my own clothes when i lived in burnsville where they had accessible washers and dryers.. it's a bit more difficult here- so i haven't been doing my own laundry because it's not as accessible and the dryer wasn't working on THIS floor after i had washed my clothes.. so that's another difficulty because i have trouble hauling wet clothes all the way upstairs to the dryers and WE DON'T HAVE AN ELEVATOR IN THIS PARTICULAR APARTMENT.. so that just makes it more difficult physically for me. i remember back when i first moved here- the case manager i had at the time had told me that i wouldn't be staying here that long because i should get an apartment in boston quickly- since they were telling me that my name had come up on the waiting list. it was nice to actually have a case manager who was willing to help me with MY goals. then he got another job and i got a different case manager.. i think i've had at least 3 since i had him since i change case managers more than i change my panties. so really I am ALL i got. i'm the only one who will get myself outta this OPPORTUNITY-LESS STATE. i'm NOT just mindlessly attending some ridiculous excuse of a "rehab facility" JUST SO I CAN MAKE IT LOOK LIKE PEOPLE ACTUALLY GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME. right amanda and mom? THIS IS MY LIFE. NO WONDER WHY I HAVE PTSD BECAUSE OF YOU. i never was diagnosed with ptsd when my grandma was alive and i remember them testing me NUMEROUS TIMES for it at gillette. JOE IS HONESTLY THE ONLY FAMILY MEMBER WHO HAS ACTUALLY MADE AN EFFORT TO SUPPORT ME BECAUSE HE DOESN'T VIEW ME AS INCONVENIENT. family members who ACTUALLY care about their family members show support and care for their family members even when they DON'T have the same views and goals. SO THE FASTER I'M FAR AWAY FROM THE FAMILY FROM HELL (EXCEPT JOE)- THE BETTER I'LL BE. HONESTLY.

breathing.. the reason why my heart flutters..

i just seen the ics worker for my session, i had told her about the happysleep ring not monitoring my sleep the past few nights because when i opened the app on my phone last night, the night before, and the night before it said i was supposed to put the ring on, even when it was on my damn finger and had been charging all day. regularly, i usually woke up every night about 3 times and my breathing status always read "79%" (or around that number) along with "Watch Out!".. i'm pretty sure that means it didn't sense me breathing at all times during the night. whatever. if doctors aren't concerned to get me a new cpap right away- i'm not either. the ics worker figured out that the problem why my ring wasn't working had to do if the bluetooth was right. i'm pretty sure i figured that out a few weeks ago when i got outta bed and went by the charger with my phone and messed around with the settings.. i just forgot about that until she had me go into settings myself. maybe i'll just go to sleep naturally and never wake up, survival of the fittest or some shit- population control. then amanda and my mom won't have to put on acts like they actually care about me anymore- less to worry about. i also noticed when i was doing my range of motion by the counter that when my heart flutters- it effects my breathing (like my heart beats and breathing seem to align). then jessiy's son antonio came to mind and i wondered exactly why the hell jessiy isn't more apprehensive towards me (seeing as i'm almost positive she reads my blog with my sister like it's the newspaper) and my heart beating abnormally. it's because she's like the rest of my family (with exception to joe) and DON'T CARE AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T HAVE TO DO WITH THEM!.. but god forbid i actually do something with my life because they KNOW they can't take credit for it and they have irrelevant lives they're really not proud of. i seen the cardiologist last week and she just told me that she couldn't do anything with my cpap if i didn't have it there with me. (if i tried to lug that big machine around, i KNOW i would've got hurt and/or broke the cpap more than it already is) i know that people with apnea tend to be loud snorers when they sleep but i remember my grandma telling me all the time how she didn't know if i was still breathing when i was sleeping, i also remember her waking me up in panic a couple times asking me if i was alright because she didn't see me breathing while sleeping at her house. my ex doug claimed that i snored loud, that's why he always slept on my couch when he came to my place in burnsville. he was more than likely full of shit. i just wanna get some sleep. i don't remember the last time i woke up feeling fully rested.

another one.. hopefully i'm successful.

i confirmed my job interview with the clinic that requested one today. i actually have some lyft money left in my account but i don't wanna use it all up when i could find alternative transportation because i need lyft money to take me to and from sabathani every week. so, i asked my job coach if she could take me and she said she'd have to have a colleague to take me (even though it's scheduled during the time she scheduled to meet with me.. so i don't know, people don't ever wanna seem to do their jobs when working with me- whatever..). i have a feeling i'll be forced to take lyft there, so i'm gonna see exactly when i should leave by- so i'm not late and so if i need to, i'll have it planned to call the ride on time. the joys of having to plan transportation instead of DRIVING MY FUCKIN-SELF. i gotta deal with this shit for the rest of my life because no one seems to care about me to advocate for me (YES IDIOTS.. I DO NEED ADVOCACY FOR THIS. AFTER 24 FUCKING YEARS OF TRYING TO GET MY DAMN LICENSE.. DON'T YOU THINK I NEED HELP?! NOT IF YOU'RE A CARELESS, ENTITLED, SELFISH EXCUSE OF A FAMILY MEMBER OF MINE! YOU GOT THIS! you're FUCKING STUPID if you don't understand why i have absolutely NO desire to stay in this fucking state.. fuck you, thanks for showing me exactly who i CAN'T count on when shit happens- lazy, selfish, ignorant pricks). i just hope i get this job, so i won't have time to think about how much my life fucking sucks. "GO TO CHURCH!" yeah because it's so fuckin easy to just get my shit together and go to church with THE LICENSE WHICH WAS REVOKED BECAUSE I WASN'T PHYSICALLY ABLE TO USE IT BECAUSE OF A FUCKIN DRUNK WHO CAN DRIVE, GET MARRIED, HAVE KIDS AND LIVE HIS LIFE ALL FUCKIN NORMAL. THIS IS WHAT YOUR KEWLIEZ SISTER HAS TO PUT UP WITH, TUBS! YOU WANNA BE SO MUCH LIKE ME- PUT UP WITH ALL THE SHIT I HAVE TO.. I GUARANTEE YOU'LL KILL YOURSELF. I KNOW I'VE THOUGHT OF IT MANY FUCKIN TIMES. tim, his kewliez wife, and all his kids don't have to deal with this shit. i fell off my couch this morning talking to the lady about my health alert and i landed on my head. DOESN'T MATTER AS LONG AS I GOT PAID! RIGHT CATHY AND SARAH? you two are gonna answer to your creator on judgment day about why you said this shit. HE'LL KNOW THAT YOU'RE LYING TOO. have fun ladies, say hi to satan for me. my psychologist gave me phone numbers to call if i'm ever thinking about killing myself- i'm not sure where they went. oh well.
the ics assisted me in calling the apartment in massachusetts to find out if they received my application. no one answered the phone, so i just left a message. hopefully they return my call soon.

still can't sleep.

i got up and got ready for the day, i thought i had an appointment to get a new cpap (because i seen on the calendar on my cell phone that i had an appointment for my cpap on there but it wasn't on my wall calendar where i usually put my appointments- so i assumed i just forgot to put it on my calendar on the wall), the lyft driver was driving me and we were on hennepin ave. (because that's what was on my cell phone calendar) but he couldn't find the right numbers, so he was gonna drop me off on the sidewalk near where it said the address was but it wasn't on the buildings.. i raised my voice and said, "ALRIGHT. JUST DROP ME OFF HERE. I'LL GET RAN OVER BY ALL THESE CARS WHEN I FALL, CALLING MY RETURN RIDE." and i got out of the vehicle, then called fredrick and asked him the address, he told me what he seen and i told the driver and he said that's where the gps took him. so i gave the phone to the driver and let him talk to fredrick, that didn't help, so i took the phone back and called a return ride home from lyft. the same driver who was dropping me off told me that he got a request from lyft to return me to my place, so i got in the car and we went back to my home. i had canceled my therapy session because it was at the same time as my appointment for my cpap, so i basically canceled it for nothing. i seen another appointment scheduled i think next monday or the monday after that for my cpap on my calendar.. so i'm HOPING that's the correct appointment, so i can actually fall asleep right away and wake up well rested soon. i also tentatively scheduled another job interview at some clinic in minneapolis.. hopefully things work and i get a job there because i'm BORED and like i said- i tend to get in trouble somehow when i get too bored (which does NOT mean i should go to courage kenny mindlessly because they just underestimate me there to take advantage of my lack of knowledgable advocacy, so i get kept doing easy shit that my living room wall could do and they expect me to keep a good attitude about it while still engaging in their pointless activities my living room wall could do which don't help me at all but it helps them get business while they take advantage of their vulnerable clients LACKING KNOWLEDGABLE ADVOCACY). i'll just continue to look for jobs now.

it's *JUST* a matter of time now!

i just had ics and she helped me mail my confirmation/application to the apartment in massachusetts. i hope this will get me outta here sooner. my immediate family (with exception to my brother, who is too busy WORKING and living his OWN life to cling to me or have any desire to mess up what's going on with my life because he's satisfied with his own life and isn't looking to make people miserable so he can cling to them- he's actually got BETTER things to do with his life) seem to have nothing better to do besides try to wreck what i've worked my whole life to get just because they don't have anything to be proud of themselves. i also had my ics help me schedule an appointment for therapy tomorrow. i hope that this prevents me from falling so much because i forgot to grab my cane before locking my door when i was heading to sabathani yesterday and i called my lyft ride, i had like 3 minutes til my lyft ride came when i finally realized i didn't have my cane. i would've had to unlock my door, walk into my apartment, get the cane, then lock the door again and i KNOW that would've taken longer than 3 minutes- and if i'd have just called a new lyft ride.. it'd take probably at least 45 minutes more to get a ride to sabathani. so i just went to sabathani, without my cane and i didn't fall until after my shift when i was in the bathroom and nobody seen me- so i got myself up right away without getting hurt. i also lost my balance when i got home after i got out of the lyft vehicle, when i was talking to two people and one of them helped me up. my health alert said they'd send me a new necklace like.. hm.. 2 or 3 weeks ago in "5 to 6 weeks". none of this matters considering what i got paid from the car accident! the driver and his family don't have to experience falling and people acting concerned- so it stops them from doing EVERYTHING.. DOESN'T MATTER AS LONG AS I GOT MONEY FROM THE ACCIDENT! *rolls eyes* there ARE more important things besides MONEY. I'M "UNGRATEFUL" THOUGH! WTF WOULD I KNOW?! more like insecure people accusing me of the very thing they are- JUST to feel better about themselves, so they don't have to face the damage they're REALLY responsible for. i hear a black woman saying in my head, "OH NO SHE DIN'T!" haha.. yes i did. you wanna try to indirectly harass me for being a VICTIM and almost dying for something your son almost killed me doing.. WHAT A CHRISTIAN THING TO DO! JESUS WOULD BE PROUD! but please- DO tell me how i need church to save me. when people do things like that- it just tells you exactly what they need themselves to feel better about themselves to distract from anything they've done wrong. so far.. all the family that i've heard from are a bunch of HYPOCRITES. they're just as bad as my own family. no wonder why tim and i seemed to connect so well. honestly. keep stalking me.. i'll move further away from your negative asses. massachusetts is about 200 some miles further away than new york FROM MINNESOTA.. i'll just go further. i've even looked into moving to mexico in case grump's fat ass forces me out of this country even though i'm a DUAL CITIZEN and i did get my citizenship of this country confirmed over a year or two ago- for the nosey jackass sisters trying to get me deported. for idiots who think i'm fine since i'm a dual citizen- grump's fat ass said SPECIFICALLY that DUAL CITIZENS would be DEPORTED also. i'm not sure how i got my citizenship confirmed though.. something with proving my birth certificate and i don't remember what else.

gotta keep busy.

i got up for the day and went to a job interview in the morning at a hotel. like i said- ALL hotels look familiar, so i couldn't tell from memory if i interviewed there before. i don't remember interviewing with either of the people who sat and interviewed with me either. the main guy was really nice, he recognized sabathani community center right away when he looked at my resume and said him and his family had to go there a few times in the past. then after the interview, i came home and had a session with my therapist right away. it's nice to have someone to vent to. things would be a lot more difficult in life if i wasn't seeing her. then i ate and now i'm going to volunteer at sabathani for a while. i told my therapist how i tried to keep myself busy, so i didn't have time to think about bad things in my life. she said that a lot of people have the problem of getting depressed when they don't have things to do. i'm not sure a lot of people tend to get in trouble like i do when i'm bored though. so it's best that i'm always busy. my mind when it's idle IS the devil's playground. the ics worker assisted me in filling out an application for this apartment in massachusetts. all i need is my trust #.. then i want to send it back as soon as possible because i have a feeling this apartment might be the one to house me- since it said in the letter that i was nearing the top of the waiting list if they request this information.

MOVIN TO *CLEAN* PLACES!

i had my ics session today and i remember how i said i'd contact the apartment that i got the recent letter request for accomodations doctor's letter from but then i also just remembered how it's labor day and nobody was probably in the office. the ics worker asked me curiously if i preferred boston or new york.. i said almost immediately, "well.. boston is MUCH more CLEANER.. the people in new york seem to think it's their jobs to have an attitude- so boston has nicer people also. it's much more PROFESSIONAL." then the ics worker said, "oh! yeah! i remember it was really clean when i went there before also!" i think that MAY explain partially why they have high taxes there. the money may pay to help the environment stay clean? after he agreed with me that the environment was clean, i said, "I FELT SO AFRAID TO LITTER OR DROP GARBAGE BY ACCIDENT BECAUSE IT WOULD'VE BEEN SO OBVIOUS I DID IT BECAUSE IT'S SO CLEAN THERE!" i'm sure they also don't have many egotistical racist hicks there. kinda explains why grump doesn't do well in polls there also. it kinda irritates and amazes me how people assume i'll change my mind about wanting to live EAST rather than waste my life in this opportunity-less boring ass state if they show any objection to me wanting to live in another place besides what they're used to. like they assume i don't have an opinion, experiences here and where i'm looking to live.. like they don't respect MY GOALS to be my own person. like they assume i'm just saying it for fun and i don't really know/care where i live. LET ME REMIND YOU IDIOTS- I ALMOST DIED TRYING TO ESCAPE THIS NARCISSISM/SELFISH ASS MOM WHO NEVER SHOULD'VE REPRODUCED IN THE FIRST PLACE. I KNOW WHAT I WANT. I KNOW WHAT I'M CAPABLE OF. NO ONE FEELS LIKE THEY SHOULD BOTHER GIVING ME THE CHANCE HALF THE DAMN TIME. I'VE WENT THROUGH THIS SHIT MY WHOLE LIFE. probably because people assumed i'm mentally disabled because my mom is (she's really not- she's just lazy and she CAN read- so get that illiterate bullshit outta your head). i get shit on for attempting to ACTUALLY make something of myself. the only person who ever really had confidence in me is dead. i remember those dicks at school tried telling my grandma that i was mentally disabled when she was trying to enroll me in kindergarden. she didn't listen to them and worked with me using hooked-on-phonics nearly every night and i was honestly able to read easy books at like the 1st and 2nd grade. i ended up graduating with HONORS from high school with goals to become a doctor but after i got into a car accident- i had to give up on the doctor goal because med school would've taken way too long for me to go through when i was busy trying to walk again. i think i got my hard head from my grandma because after the renowned dr. schuh asked me why i wanted a prescription to go to the courage center back when i was in a wheelchair, i said to him, "i wanna walk again." and he tried to explain to me that some people can't walk and are handicapped their whole lives or some bullshit (i honestly don't remember because i didn't care enough to understand what some guy who was only interested in getting more money off me being disabled and vulnerable). so i came home and told my grandma what he said on the phone, she went and found tram holloway who hooked his ARP machine plugs to my body and turned up the machine gradually at my apartment (i forget for how long he seen me). i eventually felt strong enough to walk in courage kenny without a wheelchair or walker and was immediately discouraged from kevin (a physical therapist who is also only interested in taking advantage of my vulnerability and lack of knowledgable advocacy) about walking. just who the fuck hires these shisters? it's your damn job to help people get as strong as they can and i put that i wanted to walk again and get my driver's license again in my goal book when i was wasting my time at the courage center. it's like that's guidance for them to know what to steer me away from because i remember seeing paraplegics who depended on wheelchairs and couldn't bare any weight getting their driver's licenses and vehicles they could drive because they have something i lack (and always have lacked)- KNOWLEDGABLE ADVOCACY. all the stuff i wrote about today should describe most of the TRAUMATIZING experiences i've been through in my life- INCLUDING BEING UNDERESTIMATED AND TOLD I CAN'T DO CERTAIN THINGS JUST TO KEEP OTHER USELESS EXCUSES OF FACILITIES RUNNING. i can't live an ACTUAL LIFE without rehabilitation because I'M MENTALLY DISABLED ACCORDING TO AMANDA AND ALL THOSE OTHER CARELESS IGNORANT FUCKS. i remember amanda telling me when i was living in burnsville when my grandma just died about how i'd end up hating her because of all the hard work she'd have me doing.. WHEN DOES THAT "HARD WORK" START?! you have the first part right but it's not because of "all the hard work" she has me doing. "HARDWORK"? MINDLESSLY HAULING MY ASS TO COURAGE KENNY IS APPARENTLY "HARD WORK" NOW! YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVEN'T BEEN THERE BEFORE. MY GRANDMA CLAIMED "NO MORE COURAGE KENNY WHEN I'M DEAD! AMANDA WILL HAVE YOU IN NEW YORK!" she meant well but she was aware that she was getting old and naive and didn't know the proper resources.. she NAIVELY had confidence in amanda to help me get where I want since this is MY LIFE. she was aware that my mom wasn't able to support me pragmatically. she didn't want to see what would happen if i was stranded in this particular location (she basically knew i wouldn't survive HERE more than likely by choice). i honestly can't remember how many times she used to say to me, "YOU BELONG IN NEW YORK." *crickets* she was obviously mistaken because she put her confidence in someone who DOESN'T CARE TO HELP ME GET TO A PLACE WHERE I'LL BE TRULY HAPPY AND CONSTRUCTIVE BECAUSE IT'D TAKE TOO MUCH WORK AND TIME TO HELP ME GET THERE!.. besides- i really don't think she knows HOW because if it were something she could do- she wouldn't have hesitated this long in order to help me get there (she still hasn't). you aren't getting ANY credit from me for doing ANYTHING for me anymore because if i did give you credit- I'D BE LYING! and i'm trying not to lie anymore.. it got me in enough trouble.
besides- i'm pretty sure i remember reading somewhere online about how people with traumatic brain injuries experience PTSD because of the LACK of support they receive AFTER the accidents they're in.

go get your miserable company elsewhere.

when i was listening to the breakfast club this morning, dj envy made a comment about how he encourages his kids to go for their goals and dreams because he's satisfied with his life. that would probably explain why he has a daughter who excelled to go to nyu. i always had this suspicion that was my mom's problem and misery loves company- so she clings to what's familiar to her so she can feel fulfilled. YES- I DO BELIEVE MY MOM IS THAT SELFISH. she proved her lack of care for me when she used my body as a shield to nonchalantly block my dad's kicks. that's not something a person can forget- when their OWN mom holds them in front of their dad to block his kicks.. i was even involved in a car accident and suffered a TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY (which DOES affect memory) and *GASP* i STILL remembered it! her flying monkeys can try to deny it but the TWO surgeries i've had to have on my bowel prove otherwise. after my surgery on my blocked bowel, i went to my computer to look on google to see what causes blocked bowels. it said that prior trauma to the abdomen area could cause a bowel to get blocked.. OR MAYBE IT WAS THE SURGERY ON MY PERFORRATED BOWEL WHICH I HAD WHEN I WAS 7 AFTER MY MOM USED ME AS A SHIELD WHEN MY DAD WAS KICKING HER THAT CAUSED IT?! i was just sitting at my computer, not turning, not getting kicked after my narcissistic selfish ass mom used me to block being kicked by my dad.. i don't understand exactly why she has the desire to cling to me- i'm not her favorite child (my sister), i've never found anything in common with her (interests), and i've always kept my distance from her whenever possible. clingyness is NOT support, idiot. it's a disrespectful attachment to something. don't think i won't hesitate to send your crazy ass away when everyone else refuses to take care of you. i'm sure that's why people have the hopes that i'll be empathetic to her and take care of her when she can't take care of herself. people also seem to ignore the fact that i can BARELY take care of myself. no way am i taking care of some selfish bum who's responsible for at least two of my bowel surgeries and immense abdomen pain. i'll never forget that and you'll just be disappointed when you don't see my presence ANYWHERE near you. go take care of your dogs and cling to them. if her stupid flying monkeys care to ignore any of this- ask yourselves HONESTLY how you would feel if YOUR MOM used YOU as a shield when getting kicked by your dad and then expecting you to throw EVERYTHING YOU'VE BUSTED YOUR ASS OFF TO GET IN LIFE JUST TO BE HER SLAVE OR A MINI-HER (since i read that's the goals of narcissistic moms- to turn their daughters into versions of them)? you're full of shit if you say you'd be alright with it since my mom took care of me after the car accident that i was in.. SHE ONLY TOOK CARE OF ME BECAUSE GRANDMA MADE HER. I REMEMBER HEARING GRANDMA BLACKMAIL MOM INTO TAKING CARE OF HER OWN FUCKING DAUGHTER ON THE PHONE MANY TIMES. I ALSO REMEMBER MY MOM WHINING TO MY GRANDMA ABOUT HAVING TO STAY HOME FROM PLAYING POOL AT THE BAR TO TAKE CARE OF ME. SHE TRIED LEAVING ME ALONE WHEN I WAS WHEELCHAIR DEPENDANT AND I TOLD MY GRANDMA- SO THEN MY GRANDMA CAME INTO TOWN TO SIT WITH ME WHILE THE MOTHER FROM HELL WENT TO THE BAR. i've lived at courage center's courage residence for almost a year before i moved into my first apartment in minneapolis. PEOPLE REFUSE TO GIVE ME CREDIT FOR ANY OF THE HARD WORK I'VE DONE- THEY JUST ASSUME THAT I'M AN IDIOT WHO WILL APPRECIATE PEOPLE DOING EVERYTHING FOR ME. so amanda.. if you really cared about me and had any respect for me. you'd realize the HARD WORK i've ALREADY done and not try to keep me there just because it makes you look good to your kewliez physical therapist in-law at courage kenny. I'M NOT GOING BACK IN MY REHABILITATION/LIFE PROGRESS FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE JUST SO YOU'LL PAY ATTENTION TO ME BECAUSE I REALIZE IT'S NOT ALWAYS CONVENIENT FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE YOUR LIFE TOO. WELL- *GASP* SO DO I! i graduated from high school WITH HONORS and i attended 3 colleges, taking classes at all of them and over half the damn time i was in a wheelchair (in high school mainly- 11th and 12th grades). stop wasting your time trying to take me back in my progress because you aren't getting thanked for shit. i know when someone actually cares about me and when someone cares for me ONLY AT THEIR CONVENIENCE (which really isn't care). just because you seem to think i'll be just like my mom being pushed around to do whatever other people want does NOT mean i will be. if you think i'm anything like my mom- you can go screw yourself.