don't get cocky.

i've been continuously irritated by the thoughts of amanda attempting to use my mom as a pawn to stop her from doing as she told her aunt she'd help me do. if she really cared about me as much as she insinuates- she'd take into consideration EVERYTHING i've been through and ALL the work it took me to get here. when i say "ALL the work it took to get here" i OBVIOUSLY mean all of MY hard work to get where i am and i'm NOT stopping here because my mom or anyone else who HAS NOT WENT THROUGH THE SHIT I HAVE supposedly "want" for me. WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANT?! YOU KNOW.. THE OWNER OF THIS LIFE. i think back to a phone conversation i had with my grandma a long time ago and she mentioned how she threatened my mom IF she EVER stole money from me when my grandma was dead, she told my mom that she'd "regret it" (now that i read this over, it's pretty fuckin sad when a grandma has to threaten her daughter NOT to steal from her granddaughter.. THAT'S THE KIND OF "MOM" I HAD THOUGH! ASK MY BROTHER JAY IF YOU NEED PROOF!). i know my grandma scared the hell outta my mom- if she didn't, there would have been NO way my mom would've taken me to her house to see my grandma when she was still alive. she didn't do it because she genuinely wanted to see me like a normal parent would want to see their offspring because she would've never left me at her apartment ALONE when i was wheelchair dependant a LONG TIME AGO just to go to the damn bar. i KNOW my grandma would be disappointed with amanda because she's basically not helping to do what she CLAIMED she'd do and using my mom as an excuse. IF my mom REALLY cared about ME, she NEVER would've held me in front of her while my dad was kicking and beating on her. i've had TWO surgeries on my bowel so far because of the kick to my abdomen where my mom used me as a shield and in-directly trying to use me as an excuse why my dad should stop hitting her because i was there while my dad was hitting and kicking at my mom. first of all- my dad should've never been hitting my mom in the first place but i thought about this one night, i'm PRETTY SURE he wasn't fluent in english.. so to be THAT pissed off at someone when you don't even understand them is somethin- she must've REALLY pissed him off.. i'm assuming he was drinking though, so that probably changes things also. a person has to be pretty fucking irritating for you to want to kick them when your own daughter is present. i will admit that my mom pisses me off pretty bad.. it's probably a good thing that i'm seeing a psychologist to talk about my temper also. BUT I SHOULDN'T BE EXPECTED TO THROW EVERYTHING I'VE BUSTED MY ASS TO GET JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE OLDER THAN ME AND WHO IS ONE OF THE CAUSES OF MY PTSD CAN'T HANDLE ME MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE THE WAY I WANT. I CAME FROM A FUCKING COMA- TO A DAMN WHEELCHAIR, WALKERS AND TREKKING POLES.. TIL FINALLY A CANE. KEVIN (THE THERAPIST AT COURAGE KENNY) TOLD ME NOT TO RETURN TO COURAGE KENNY IF I DIDN'T HAVE MY WALKER OR TREKKING POLES. HE WAS MORE CONCERNED ABOUT MAKING IT LOOK LIKE COURAGE KENNY WAS ACTUALLY HELPING ME. NONE OF MY STRENGTH CAME FROM DAMN COURAGE KENNY. THEY ASSISTED ME IN LETTING ME WALK AROUND THEIR BUILDING BUT I COULD'VE GOT THAT ANYWHERE. I'M NOT LYING WHEN I SAY ALL CREDIT FOR ME BECOMING AMBULATORY IS OWED TO TRAM HOLLOWAY- WHO MY GRANDMA FOUND BECAUSE SHE REALIZED COURAGE KENNY WASN'T DOING SHIT FOR ME AND I WASN'T PROGRESSING WITH ACTUAL RESULTS. he told her that he'd have me out of my wheelchair and i could tell my grandma really didn't believe it but would try anything- and i THANK HIM FOR THE WORK HE DID ON ME TO GET ME ON MY FEET AGAIN. amanda is like everyone else in this fuckin world who doesn't want to see any progress if she doesn't get credit for it and they can't do better than her. NO THANKS go to her. she can't handle me living a productive life if she doesn't get credit for it- which is also a reason why she tries to keep me here, so people can assume she's actually helping me because i'm in the same state as her. to tell you the truth- i honestly don't remember the last time i seen or even SPOKE to her or any of my other family members (except joe and jay), yet i'm expected to throw away EVERYTHING i've done just for family because as you can see- they care about me SO MUCH.. *ROLLS EYES*. I'M NOT LYING ABOUT THE SHIT THEY DON'T DO FOR ME TO JUST "KEEP THE PEACE" AND MAKE A LOVING FAMILY IMAGE.. THEY SHOULD HAVE JUST BURIED ME IN A COFFIN IF THIS IS WHAT KIND OF "CARE" AND "SUPPORT" THEY EXPECT ME TO RECEIVE. oh but then the thought: amanda has never experienced ANY of the shit i have and she don't care enough about me to be genuinely empathetic and supportive. so it's like driving in a car without a steering wheel. i "GOT THIS!" though. that's her excuse of "support" without offering me any resources and/or care. she NEVER answers my phone calls when i used to try to call her and she DOESN'T return my voicemails. i've gave up on calling her because i'm sick of wasting my time. my psychologist asked me, "has amanda ever dealt with disabled or handicapped people in her life?" and i said straight out to her, "pfft.. i don't think so." IF AMANDA'S MOM EXPECTED HER TO QUIT HER JOB AND LIVE BY HER- WOULD SHE LIKE THAT? NO EXCEPTIONS. JUST QUIT, JUST TO LIVE BY YOUR MOM. that's what the situation would be like for amanda if she was in my shoes. she can easily reply, "well my mom works and she'd never do that." but what if your mom DIDN'T work and DID do that- so you were basically in MY SHOES?! that's called EMPATHY and she obviously doesn't have it. it's times like these where i could pull my grandma's favorite saying outta my ass: "WHAT COMES AROUND, GOES AROUND." don't get cocky. speaking from first hand experience- you'll regret it.

another interview

i spoke to visionworks today and scheduled a microsoft teams meeting on friday with them. i feel like i've interviewed with them before, so i'm not sure if i can put too much confidence in this interview but i won't know if i don't try. i actually had referrals this time to put on the resume, so i didn't need to search too hard. i hope they give me good referrals but i don't see why they wouldn't.

apparently that's *ALL* i am- an idiot who provides you with amusement.

i just got done visiting with someone from the ymca to talk about what resources i need in my life to make me TRULY HAPPY and SUCCESSFUL (because that IS what it'll take for me to be TRULY happy and NOT just living off of social security and attending some pathetic excuse of a "rehabilitation center" who only assist people with advocacy that'll stroke their dicks(which i don't have) THE ONLY REASON WHY I EVEN BOTHERED TO GO THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE WAS BECAUSE MY GRANDMA DIDN'T KNOW WHERE ELSE I COULD GO AND I'M GETTING FUCKING SICK OF EXPLAINING THIS SHIT). LEARN HOW TO ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT YOUR RELATIVES AND NOT JUST SO IT APPEARS YOU "CARE" ABOUT THEM WHEN NOT ASKING THEM WHAT THEY TRULY WANT. STOP ACTING LIKE YOU CARE WHEN YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT WHAT I, THE OWNER OF MY LIFE WANTS FOR MY LIFE. JUST AS LONG AS IT'S MORE BENEFICIAL AND CONVENIENT FOR YOU. amanda really IS naive because i see my nosey ass cousin's friend viewing my timeline on facebook- so my nosey ass cousin dustin must be reading my timeline since i blocked him because i find absolutely NO reason to remain "friends" with someone who just wants to amuse themselves with what's going on with someone who's ACTUALLY trying to do something with their lives which doesn't include throwing it all away to remain in some boring ass state, miserable because i don't have anything better to do- so i resort to insulting people who are actually TRYING to do something with their lives besides take the easy way out and depend merely on social security while my family and so-called friends just laugh at me like i'm some kind of joke LIKE YOUR SISTER AND HER STUPID BOYFRIEND DO. IF amanda had ANY intelligence- she'd recognize that dustin just reminds me of EVERYTHING i HATE in THIS state. he's the whole package- bigotry and racism tied with nosiness!.. so a male version of amanda. I PUT YOU DICKS ON BLOCK FOR A REASON. YOU DESTROY MY MENTAL HEALTH. take that as a compliment of actually making an impact in someone's life because that's what people like you would do. JUST MIND YOUR BUSINESS. that's ALL you gotta do. dustin is DEFINITELY NOT gonna change my mind. it actually makes me more desperate for finding an exit to this shithole of a state. you're a complete fucking moron if you don't understand WHY i want to move from this state.. fuck the hell off. maybe now your stupid asses recognize EXACTLY why i've been so anxious to leave this state because all my damn relatives were busy condoning my mom's pathetic excuse of parenting. unless i was the only idiot who just figured out this shit after TWO surgeries on my bowel so far and my traumatizing reminiscing dreams. which could be possible. that provides another reason for me to get the hell outta this state because people IN THIS STATE think i'm too much of an idiot to handle something traumatizing that happened to me. it was kinda like God was trying to explain the reason why i was going through so much shit (all the surgeries on my bowel) and my mom has NEVER taken accountability for it or even brought it up to me. EVEN the man who nearly killed me driving drunk when i was 16 could take accountability for the accident and apologize- my OWN mom? PFFT. SHE'S TOO ENTITLED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HER STUPIDITY. IT HAPPENED A LONG TIME AGO. STACY'S STUPID! SHE'LL NEVER REMEMBER! RIGHT MOM? HELL NO. it just pisses me off that this shit is condoned by my damn family because they want to "keep the peace". WELL KEEP THE PEACE WITHOUT ANY FUCKING COMMUNICATION TO ME. MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS AND FIND SOMETHING THAT CONCERNS YOU THAT ACTUALLY MATTERS TO YOU BECAUSE I OBVIOUSLY DON'T AND YOU'VE PROVEN THAT WITH YOUR IGNORANCE OF WHY I WANT TO GET OUTTA HERE. YOU LACK EMPATHY AND IN ORDER TO REALLY CARE ABOUT SOMEONE- YOU NEED TO HAVE EMPATHY AND RESPECT HOW YOU'D FEEL IF IT WERE YOU IN THEIR SHOES. i'm getting annoyed having to explain this to someone who acts like they know everything, so i'm gonna go watch fresh prince.

money money money.. looking the part..

i just got back from getting my taxes done again. i don't remember if amy is still working on my taxes or if she put it all on me and these were my taxes because i'm almost positive that i got more money back when brian was my trustee. it really doesn't matter though.. when i got that money back- i had planned on actually using it to buy a vehicle but now considering i was told i couldn't drive- i don't have anything to spend it on.
i also met with a job coach today in the morning and she seems to think it's a good idea for me to work at planet fitness.. i'm not exactly sure of the reason why my job coaches all seem to try to get me in fitness centers. i'm not sure if i give off the image that i need to be in a gym or that i look like a person who stays active in fitness centers? oh well. i told her not to apply to any salons or schools/child-care jobs because the people in both of those environments might trigger anger or irritation. so- she skips over those listings. i told her about all the times i went to the burnsville center and was eating in the food court or just by stores and i'd hear kids whining to their parents and how it tended to aggrivate me. i also mentioned how i got aggrivated by how stylists in salons talk in the salons. like they're teenage girls with an overexaggering tone where everything is so dramatic all the time. my job coach also applied me to macy's and they seem to be interested in hiring me. she asked me what i thought about working for a bank and i said, "i'd be open to it. i just don't have a foot in the door because that seems like what it takes since all the bankers i know of had family members that were bankers." then she said, "well.. you look like the kind of person who works at banks." i'm not sure if i should take that as a compliment because when i was at sabathani a while ago, some lady told me that i looked like an attorney. AT LEAST I LOOK LIKE A PERSON WHO WORKS AND NOT SOME BUM. so i'll take those as COMPLIMENTS. looking the part or something like that.

damn mice.

i've been sneezing all fuckin day- i'm sure the mice caused these allergies because i remember reading somewhere online about people building allergies to mouse fur or wtf they have. i ordered some chlorox shit to spray and hopefully help me not to sneeze/have a stuffed nose all the time.
i also met with ics this morning and zen asked me what i wanted to work on- i wanna make sure my name is still on the housing waiting lists since this most recent housing opportunity fell through thanks to my lack of support. AS LONG AS IT'S CONVENIENT FOR AMANDA AND THE REST OF MY FAMILY! (JOE IS THE ONLY FAMILY MEMBER WHO ACTUALLY SHOWS SUPPORT AND CARES) i'm not sure if they wouldn't give zen the information because it sounded like he was the only one on the line and he could've been a stranger or someone requesting information on my behalf or why they really weren't giving him information- except the apartment in concord again but they told me the number and said it'd probably be at least 3 or 4 years until my name came up again- which is EXACTLY why i jumped at the opportunity of the apartment becoming available because i KNOW housing is MORE difficult on the east coast COMPARED to minnesota and it pisses me off that people who are supposedly supposed to be "supporting" don't listen to ME (they assume i'm an idiot because of my brain injury). i'm honestly NOT going to get ANYWHERE with this sad excuse of "support" who underestimates my intelligence for their damn convenience and doesn't pay attention to ANYTHING i say because they DON'T really CARE about me. if they honestly cared about me- they wouldn't be underestimating me for THEIR CONVENIENCE and would TRULY SUPPORT me and not being overprotective cunts. i didn't go through ALL the shit i've been through JUST for anyone else's convenience.. ESPECIALLY NOT PEOPLE WHO ONLY PAY ATTENTION TO ME WHEN IT'S CONVENIENT OR BENEFICIAL FOR THEM. if you dicks REALLY cared about me- you'd be supporting my goals EVEN if they're NOT convenient or beneficial for them. most of my family and sad excuse of support isn't genuine.
i gotta call lyft to pick me up to go get my taxes done in about 45 minutes. i completely forgot which day it was when my ics worker was in my apartment yesterday talking to the tax company scheduling the appointment, so it got scheduled over the time i'm scheduled at sabathani.

just because it didn't happen when you were there- does NOT mean it DOESN'T matter. who do you think you are?

it's frustrating because i get the impression that amy thinks this goal of moving to boston/east coast is just a new thing that'll last only a few months at the most because she assumes i want attention or some shit. i would be PERFECTLY FINE if NO ONE from my family/people who lived in the town i grew up in paid attention to me and spoke to me again (but joe and jay). she somehow gets this idea because she just started working with me- she thinks so this goal probably won't last long. FOR HER INFORMATION- i ALMOST died trying to get AWAY from my family and *gasp* i STILL have the desire to live in the SAME area of this country (not specifically in the exact same place but the same region of this country)! I'VE BEEN WORKING ON FINDING HOUSING ON THE EAST COAST FOR NEARLY TWENTY FOUR YEARS. YES- IT IS POSSIBLE TO BE THAT TRAUMATIZED. AMANDA AND ANYONE LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY AT THIS DON'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO GET CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR OWN FUCKIN PARENTS PHYSICALLY AND VERBALLY FIGHTING AND GETTING KICKED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FIGHT WHEN YOUR OWN DAMN MOM USES YOU AS A SHIELD WHEN YOUR DAD IS KICKING AND BEATING ON HER. the travel pca who took me to boston said to me, "i don't see why you wanna move JUST because of her.. you don't have to talk to her when you're in minnesota.." no but everyone just assumes she's a good mom who takes care of her daughter and stays in contact with her because that's what they'd do if they were in her position. NOT TO MENTION- MY DAMN SISTER BUILT AN OBSESSION WITH BEING LIKE HER KEWLIEZ OLDER SISSY WHO ALSO FUCKED HER LIFE UP EARLY IN LIFE (EXCEPT I KEPT MY FUCKIN LEGS CLOSED AND NEVER DROPPED OUTTA SCHOOL JUST BECAUSE I MADE A MISTAKE IN LIFE). JUST BECAUSE WE HAVE THE SAME DNA, IT DOES NOT MAKE US ANYTHING ALIKE. YOU MADE THAT APPARENT WHEN YOU DROPPED OUTTA SCHOOL AND KEPT GETTING KNOCKED UP. besides that- the person who i want to build a life with lives on the east coast and it's my stupid family's (except for joe) fault for not being more supportive of my goal to create MY life on the east coast (also so i couldn't have dicks claiming i stayed in minnesota because i'm a WELFARE RAT- ask MY COUSIN missy and HER BOYFRIEND kevin's stupid asses about this comment if you're confused.. i DON'T forget shit- guess that was my thank you for bringing them to a concert with me a long time ago). SEE HOW CARING AND SUPPORTIVE MY FAMILY IS, AMY?! EXACTLY WHY I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE TO STAY IN THIS DAMN STATE. MY FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE AND JAY) SUCKS. that was the only supposed reason that people assume i stay in this hell hole. OH BUT THAT HAPPENED BEFORE YOU STARTED WORKING WITH ME! SO IT DOESN'T COUNT! RIGHT?! WRONG. STILL TRAUMATIZING MY BRAIN. NICE.. A FAMILY WHO CAUSES TRAUMA TO ME, IT'S SO HARD TO SEE WHY I WANNA MOVE FROM THIS HELLHOLE! *ROLLS EYES* your ass better call someone before i end my trust with your bank because it's not convenient to assist me in ways more convenient for YOU.

trying to think about the good sides to this..

i just had the meeting with amy and ics. we went over what i'll need when i move. then zen asked amy if the housing lady said anything to her about the waiting list and housing for it- seeing as my name came up on it but i had to reject it because it wasn't convenient for anyone for ME to ACTUALLY live life the way I want. she said nanchalantly, "oh.. from my understanding- she just goes back on the waitlist until she's called again." i said after she said that, "so ANOTHER four years." then she played stupid and said, "oh is that how long it took? they said it could take months or years." you jackasses don't HONESTLY care about your damn clients- just so it looks like you're actually doing your damn jobs thoroughly. this delay in me living where I can ACTUALLY be genuinely happy WON'T give me more time to be around my neglectful family who only shows "care" at their own convenience and benefit.. and it WON'T drive me back to some sad excuse of a "rehabilitation" center like courage kenny. considering i'll be 40 this year.. just give it 20 more years and i'll actually be where I want. NOT falsely making my family appear "caring" which they obviously DON'T (except joe). i'll be driven back to my hermit tendencies. judging by my past associations with family should be all the proof you need. if i don't get so depressed with nothing happening for me in my life that i end it outta impatience and frustration. MINNESOTA IS THE BEST FOR DISABLED PEOPLE MY FUCKIN ASS. ARE YOU SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE WHEN YOU SAY THAT BULLSHIT OR CONVENIENCE? NEWSFLASH: I'M NOT A MINDLESS IDIOT WHO IS SO DISABLED THEY JUST FORGET EVERYTHING THEY'VE BEEN THROUGH JUST BECAUSE THEIR LIAR KEWLIEZ COUSIN SAYS BULLSHIT. i'm starting to think that amy just had this meeting to act like she's actually doing her job and it leads to NOTHING- so it was basically pointless because i didn't learn anything NEW or any good news about me moving whatsoever. well.. at least people are pretending to be on the same page as me. i probably look like the optimistic idiot who has her hopes up for NOTHING though (while others laugh and talk about me as usual). who am i kidding though? THAT'S BEEN MY WHOLE LIFE IN A NUTSHELL!

what i'll most likely get if i make the move which i've NEVER had in this state.

i went with fredrick to get my nails done about 2 hrs ago. i'm having a meeting with amy tomorrow about the services i currently get here that need to be switched over to massachusetts. i hope she actually shows up tomorrow. i don't know why my mom seems to think that she has any influence on where i live. she didn't care the rest of my life- in fact, i didn't even live with her probably from the time i was 13-16 years old- i was at my grandparents' house (after that, i had to live in a medical foster home in buffalo, mn for the junior year of high school when i was coming out of my coma and gaining strength). sure.. she took care of me when i was in the senior year of high school but that's because my grandma made her. i remember hearing her whine to my grandma on the weekends when she wanted to go out to the bar to play pool with her little boyfriend carlos about having to stay with me instead of going out to the bar. THAT is how concerned she is about me.. your daughter is injured in a car accident and comatose for 6 months- left in a wheelchair because i wasn't strong enough to walk for at least 15 years because my family enjoyed getting sympathy for having a relative in a wheelchair and they could lie and say how much they "cared" for me and when i finally get strong enough to live independently- she all of a sudden thinks it makes a difference that we're "family". so i'm almost positive she whines to my grandma's friends and the family members who will actually listen to her lying about how she misses me or i'm not sure wtf this asshole lies about. YOU HELD ME IN FRONT OF MY DAD AS A SHIELD AS HE KICKED YOU TO BLOCK HIM FROM KICKING YOU WHILE YOU TWO WERE FIGHTING. YOU EXPECT ME TO STAY HERE AND THROW EVERYTHING I'VE WORKED MY ASS OFF TO GET JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO MUCH OF A DAMN LOSER TO ACTUALLY MAKE A DAMN LIFE OF YOUR OWN TO BE PROUD OF?! I DON'T THINK SO. I KNOW YOU HELD ME IN FRONT OF MY DAD BECAUSE I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER GRANDMA MENTIONING HOW YOU WERE HOLDING ME WHILE MY DAD KICKED YOU AND YOU TURNED TO GET AWAY WHEN I HAD THE FIRST SURGERY ON A PERFORRATED BOWEL.. HM- MY REMINSCING DREAMS SEEM TO REMEMBER THINGS A BIT DIFFERENTLY. THE FIRST DREAM I HAD REMINSCING THIS SHITTY PARENTING WAS IN THE HOSPITAL LAST TIME I WAS THERE HAVING SURGERY ON MY BOWEL FOR THE SECOND TIME IN MY LIFE. IN THE DREAM- YOU WERE HOLDING ME WHEN MY DAD WAS PISSED OFF AND HITTING YOU, THEN YOU TRIED TO TELL HIM THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT HIM TO ACT SO WILD WHILE I WAS THERE AND YOU HELD ME UP IN FRONT OF YOU (TO SHOW HIM WHY HE SHOULD SETTLE DOWN) AND PUT ME IN FRONT OF YOU WHILE HE KICKED YOU. ANY OTHER PARENT WHO ACTUALLY CARED ABOUT THEIR CHILDREN, WOULD'VE DONE EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO GET THEIR CHILD AWAY FROM AN ANGRY, VIOLENT PERSON.. EVEN IF IT WAS THEIR FATHER. MY MOM? no.. that's too much work for her narcissistic ass. then she couldn't get attention and sympathy! she's always had something against my brother and i.. i'm not sure if it's because we have the same dads and in spite of our dad. she stole a bunch of money from my brother when i was like 15.. i think he was 13 then. it's pretty fucking sad and pathetic to steal from your OWN child. whenever my brother, sister, and i would have fights- she'd always favor my younger sister (now i realize it's because we have different dads). besides having NOTHING to remain in this state for.. getting OUT of my apartment also seems to be a difficult task for me and since i've basically been told not to drive because my cognitive abilities were affected by the car accident i was in when i was SIXTEEN. "you can take lyft!"- well genius, lyft typically takes AT LEAST TWENTY MINUTES to show up for a ride (and that's on a good day). I'M ALWAYS LATE FOR MY APPOINTMENTS. i can't even get to sabathani to volunteer ON TIME half the damn time and i always leave at least 25 minutes earlier than i gotta be there. at least when i'm in massachusetts- they have a GOOD TRANSPORTATION SYSTEM and a lot of people take it, so i shouldn't have a problem trying to get around. CAN MINNESOTA SAY THAT, AMANDA? DO YOU KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE? YOUR UNEMPATHETIC ASS DOESN'T KNOW OR CARE. OH BUT I'M TOO STUPID TO THINK OF THAT BECAUSE OF MY TBI!! RIGHT AMANDA? IF IT'S NOT YOUR PERSONAL PROBLEM- YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT. MY GRANDMA WAS SO WRONG ABOUT YOU. AS LONG AS IT MAKES YOU LOOK "GOOD" OR "SUPPORTIVE" AND "CARING"- NO ONE SEES HOW INVOLVED YOU ARE WITH TRULY CARING ABOUT ME! SO WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT ME AND WHAT I WANT FOR MY LIFE! I'M MENTALLY HANDICAPPED WITH A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY TO YOU- SO THERE'S NO WAY I'M CAPABLE OF ACTUALLY LIVING LIFE THE WAY I WANT! as long as i waste more of my fucking time at courage kenny, going on machines that even my living room wall could operate when it DOESN'T help me with shit (after at least a year or two doing the same shit- i made courage kenny just walk with me up and down the hallway when i was there since they wouldn't do anything else to TRULY help me since i didn't have advocacy to stroke their dicks). proof of how hard i've worked SHOULD be based on how little support i've received from my sad excuse of "advocacy" and how i don't call amanda and/or her mom all the damn time whining for help and/or attention (partially because i realize after calling amanda and not getting calls back- I'M JUST A BURDEN ON HER and i don't like forcing my place in the lives of people who don't give a shit in the first place). SO.. "YOU GOT THIS!" and YES i DO.. so fuck the hell off mom. go try to make yourself look like a "caring" parent in your other daughter's life since you like and respect her more. stop trying to get attention for showing false care for me when i don't even remember the last time i seen you and you couldn't even call me in the hospital during my last surgery that i'm convinced YOU were responsible for after the dreams i had (i think it was God's way of explaining to me why i was in the situation that i was in because they coincidentally came up during the time i was in the hospital having surgery on a blocked bowel). that's why you have dogs anyway.. go tell them where they can and can't live. unless they're all dead- but i'm sure you'd get another one right away, so erase that possibility. go play checkers with amy or play with your damn dogs instead of acting like you care about me for attention.

HOPEFULLY stuff starts working *MY* way soon.

joe made me aware of the email that amy sent me and she confirmed the meeting on monday that i was supposed to have on friday (except amy was sick and we couldn't have it then). she requested that i make out a list of services i currently have in minnesota that will need to be moved to massachusetts. i've already started calling pca agencies to find out a little about them and i listed the names and numbers on my computer during the past few weeks. i also need my cpap services switched over because i KNOW that i won't be able to fall asleep. then my bed rails (and my trapeze on my hospital bed) and walker (i'll probably need a vendor to repair my walkers if and when they need to be repaired). these are just SOME of the services i'll need switched over- i don't have many more since i don't do any rehabilitation therapy or college anymore. i'll need a new job coach though. i just hope she'll actually show up on monday because i'm not sure the apartment will take anymore delays in signing the papers for the apartment before completely dropping me off the list (even though the ics CLAIMS that i have 2 more apartment offers before i get completely dropped off the list and i have to wait at least 4 years to come up on the waiting list again more than likely). i hope to take the opportunity to actually become more able to do things independently without being preached on to go to courage kenny by relatives who don't give a shit about my actual situation and my progression in rehab. so they're basically USELESS to me(except to make courage kenny appear "helpful" when they think putting clients on machines my living room wall could operate but they care more about how supportive it makes THEM look to other people- or to get them closer to their in-laws and appear as good people) OR without people automatically assuming i'm incapable of doing things (i suppose there ARE things i'll still require assistance with but i hope this will make me more independent and able to do more things when i move to massachusetts). i will also have more privacy and i won't have bums stalking me in hopes to magically turn into me when they haven't been through HALF the shit i have. they foolishly get the impression that since we have the same DNA- things will work out for them like it worked out for me. it's one thing to be "inspired" by someone but it gets annoying when people who are supposedly supposed to be "supporting" you get enabled to keeping you from completing your goals just so you can be by the people stalking you when YOU DIDN'T GO THROUGH ALL THIS SHIT IN LIFE TO STAY IN THE COMFORT ZONE OF A FAMILY WHO ONLY "CARES" AT THEIR OWN CONVENIENCE AND BENEFIT. YOU'RE EXPECTED TO GIVE UP EVERYTHING YOU WORKED YOUR ASS OFF FOR THE CONVENIENCE OF PEOPLE WHO JUST PAY ATTENTION TO YOU AT THEIR OWN BENEFIT AND CONVENIENCE- SO THEY APPEAR SUPPORTIVE OR CARING OR WHATEVER OTHER BULLSHIT EMOTION NARCISSISTICAL HEIFERS HAVE. JUST STOP PRETENDING AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. I GOT MYSELF THIS FAR AND I'M NOT STOPPING HERE FOR ANYONE'S CONVENIENCE OR BENEFIT.

private lessons again

after i was SUPPOSED to have a meeting with amy in the afternoon, i went to my spanish lessons at some community center which i've been doing for a while. the guy who owns the program said to me today that starting in 5 weeks, he'll come to my apartment and give me lessons because he thinks that i might understand better. i'm pretty sure that's what i did before i started going to the community center and i'm pretty sure i comprehended and understood the language better because he said that'll probably make me understand the language better. i'm not sure if it's also because i've been forgetting to attend classes and i think he may recognize that. i liked having lessons one on one better anyway, although i'm not sure if i had the lessons when i used to live in burnsville because he asked me if i still live at the same apartment and i said, "what do you mean? what city?" then he said, "burnsville.." and i said, "no.. i live in st. paul now." it only takes about 15 minutes at the most to get to the community center from my place in st. paul- so i'm not sure if it's closer than burnsville? probably. i'm anxious to see if he's correct.

APPOINTMENT?! WHO CARES! WHATEVER'S MORE CONVENIENT FOR *US*!

man.. can't ANYONE keep the appointments they schedule? so far it's been amy and now it's my psychologist (she texted me last night saying we have an appointment friday at 2..). i've tried to call her 2 or 3 times and just got her voicemail. i am thinking about ways to end this shit FOR SURE (so i don't get stuck having to go through rehab and shit because i didn't get things done). i'm not certain.. i want it to be as painless as possible. seeing as people who supposedly "care" about me are just concerned about the way it makes themselves look to other people when dealing with me- meaning they don't ACTUALLY care about ME- just looking like they LOOK like they care so it can make them look like a caring, supportive person. i gotta remember to leave for spanish in like 15 minutes. another hotel is interested in scheduling an interview with me and i told them the available days. certain people better get back to me soon about my future because if they don't- i'm strongly considering filing a complaint about them.. no.. i AM going to file a complaint. since i have people claiming i'm "all talk".. we'll see. it's like my "care" team doesn't CARE about ME enough to actually keep their damn appointments and do work for me. it's pretty fuckin frustrating when people assume you're too STUPID to stick up for yourself, so they work on their own convenience. next time i speak to a supervisor, i'm not gonna forget this shit.

IT DOESN'T PAY ANYMORE.

alright.. i've broke down crying NUMEROUS times (including sobbing while typing this out).. NOTHING i do will ever get me where I want to be in life. i noticed some people from courage kenny viewing my facebook timeline lately- the ONLY reason they're viewing my timeline is because DOUG (NOT DOUGLAS) STALKS ME AND GETS HARD EVERYTIME I MENTION "DOUGLAS" ON MY BLOG- THINKING IT'S REFERRING TO HIS BIGOT ASS. WHENEVER I REFER TO DOUG, I WILL MAKE A DISTINCTION AND SAY "THE RACIST PRICK" OR "THE PIECE OF SHIT" AFTER I TALK ABOUT HIM ON MY BLOG. I'M NEVER GOING BACK TO COURAGE KENNY AGAIN. i only went there because i didn't have anything else to do and i figured it'd keep me active. however- NOW i realize i have better things to do besides make my family and other people who don't actually give a damn about what i want actually look like they "care". the only reason why they want me to go there is so i can make other disabled people satisfied with being disabled like "LOOK! THERE'S ANOTHER ONE OF US WHO ACTUALLY CARES WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE AND WHAT/WHERE SHE'S GOING! SO BEING DISABLED IS COOL!" while the therapists there refuse to assist me in getting what I want done. example you ask (for the complete fucking idiots that haven't got it the first hundred times i've said this)? I WENT THROUGH THEIR DRIVING PROGRAM AT LEAST FOUR TIMES AND THEY FAILED ME EVERY TIME WITH THE REASON "NEEDS MORE THERAPY". NOT "won't be able to drive because her cognitive skills were effected". I ASKED THE THERAPIST AT REGIONS HOSPITAL IF I COULD GO THROUGH THERAPY TO INCREASE MY COGNITIVE SKILLS AFTER I BASICALLY FAILED MY LAST COGNITIVE TEST- SHE SAID STRAIGHT OUT TO ME, "NO." THAT'S ALL I WANTED TO HEAR. NO PUSSYFOOTING AROUND AND TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY DISABILITY JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT MORE FUCKING MONEY OFF MY DISABILITY WITH FALSE HOPES OF IMPROVING AND ACCOMPLISHING MY GOALS. I'M STARTING TO UNDERSTAND HOW ANOTHER GIRL AT COURAGE KENNY FEELS BECAUSE I REMEMBER ASKING HER IF SHE DROVE AND SHE SHOOK HER HEAD AND I ASKED HER, "DON'T YOU WANT TO DRIVE?" AND SHE JUST SHRUGGED HER SHOULDERS. I'M SURE SHE GOT THESE SAME COGNITIVE TEST RESULTS THAT I RECENTLY RECEIVED, SHE JUST DIDN'T WANNA EXPLAIN IT PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE'S EXPLAINED IT A MILLION TIMES BEFORE AND I RECOGNIZED THAT, SO I JUST DROPPED IT. i don't care how much of a fuckin cunt she was to me, i wasn't about to make someone feel bad for my own thrill. NOTHING i do will ever get me where I want because NO ONE AROUND ME CARES ENOUGH ABOUT ME TO MAKE SURE I'M GENUINELY HAPPY IF IT'S NOT FUCKIN CONVENIENT AND/OR BENEFICIAL FOR THEM. don't get me wrong- i DO receive care from my cousin joe but i don't wanna inconvenience him especially because it wasn't intended for HIM to assist me specifically and become my "support" by my grandma (my previous SORRY excuse of support) and my grandma DIDN'T say, "JOE WILL GET YOU TO NEW YORK!" no.. she said a million times, "AMANDA'LL GET YOU TO NEW YORK!" *yawn* IS IT CONVENIENT FOR HER TO DO SO OR DOES IT MAKE HER LOOK GOOD TO OTHER PEOPLE? OF COURSE NOT. it doesn't make her appear "caring" or "supportive" to her in-laws to assist me in accomplishing MY goals (which i've had for at least TWENTY FOUR fuckin years). do i REALLY have to be SPECIFIC about which "doug" i mean and say "BBD doug"?! (BBD standing for BIG BLACK DICK as he likes to call it) i think that may be too specific BUT YOU ASKED FOR IT!.. and he can actually get hard and not blame it on me unlike the other white doug. besides- i remember talking to the housing people in the apartment in massachusetts that i was accepted in and they asked me what kind of assistance i need (the kind of pca assistance i receive now) and i said, "well- he cooks my food for the most part and washes dishes and my clothes.." then they asked, "what about the bathroom? can you put yourself on the toilet and take a shower independently?" then i said, "i can put myself on the toilet and wipe myself.. i DO need assistance getting in and out of the BATH.. just for safety to get in and out of the tub.. when i had a roll-in shower in burnsville- i could do it independently." NOBODY seems to give a damn though. WHATEVER MAKES THEM LOOK MORE CARING, SUPPORTIVE, AND INVOLVED WITH MY LIFE! they're NOT "involved" with my life.. JOE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO ACTUALLY MAKES AN EFFORT TO HELP ME AND TALK TO ME. i suppose they're saying, "OH! SHE SAYS THAT JOE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES ABOUT HER! SINCE HE SEEMS TO BE THE ONLY ONE- WE SHOULD LEAVE IT THAT WAY SINCE SHE DOESN'T WANNA MINDLESSLY GIVE UP EVERYTHING SHE'S WORKED HER ASS OFF FOR AND MAKE US LOOK GOOD BY GOING TO COURAGE KENNY IN A WHEELCHAIR AND LOOKING LIKE THOSE KIDS YOU SEE ON TV ON THE SALVATION ARMY AND SHRINERS CHILDRENS COMMERCIALS FOR KIDS WITH CANCER SO WE CAN GET SYMPATHY AND ATTENTION FOR CARING ABOUT HER WHEN IT'S NOT CONVENIENT FOR US AND SO WE CAN ACTUALLY APPEAR "CARING"!" well if they were actually telling the truth FOR ONCE they might say that. EVERYONE just seems to IGNORE ALL the shit i've had to go through JUST to be standing today. WHY? BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MAKE THEM LOOK GOOD OR CARING- WHICH THEY ARE NOT. THE ONLY RELATIVE WHO CHECKED ON ME LAST TIME I HAD SURGERY AND WAS IN THE HOSPITAL WAS JOE.. HE WENT ON VIDEOCHAT WITH ME SINCE I GOT OUTTA THE HOSPITAL BEFORE HE COULD SEE ME. when a person ACTUALLY cares about their family and they're in the hospital because of surgery that they had to have (in results of my narcissistic mom holding me in front of my dad when he kicked her when i was younger which caused damage to my bowel)- they CHECK on their family member.. ESPECIALLY when she's disabled. i even called amanda and her mom when i was in the hospital having surgery and NEITHER of them answered, so i left them BOTH a voice mail telling them where i was. DID THAT MAKE ANY OF THEM HAVE THE DESIRE TO EVEN CHECK ON ME? HELL NO. i could be dead. THEY COULD PRETEND TO ACTUALLY "CARE" AND GET ALL THE SYMPATHY THEY THINK THEY DESERVE! MAYBE NEXT TIME! they obviously didn't get attention or sympathy from anyone about this- SO WHO GIVES A FUCK?!