just checking.

alright.. i'm not sure if the lady who i interviewed with last week for the receptionist job at some assisted living home called me. some lady called me like an hour ago and said she wanted to talk about the job and see if i could come in some time and have an in-person interview to go over a schedule. so i just said, "okay, when are you available?" and i don't remember what she said exactly but it must not have been trying to schedule me for an interview because she didn't tell me any times to get back to me. i'm not really sure it is that lady though because it doesn't really make complete sense to say she wants to have an interview with me, almost as if she hadn't had an interview with me for sure. i looked at my "recent calls" on my phone and i called back every one who was on the recent calls list and she wasn't one of them. maybe i'm going crazy and imagining things but my memory seems so real.. so i'm not sure that's it. i also emailed the lady who i interviewed with last week and i asked her if she called me and if she made a decision on who she wanted to hire for the position yet. i hope she doesn't get the impression that i'm too confused of a person to work the duty. i just wanted to be sure she DID call me.

still active

in ics today, the ics worker assisted me in logging into my nyc housing connect account to make sure it's still current and active because i really suspected they took my account out of their site because i wasn't sure of the last time i logged in. LUCKILY it's still registered. i have this video interview for the UPS store at 1ish and i need to eat lunch before then quick. i think the video interview should be just like the previous virtual interviews i had this week- so i don't really think i need to prepare much. maybe they'll actually decide to give me a shot at working there since i'm pretty sure i've applied there at least once or twice before. i'm not sure if this is the same place where douglas works because i know he works for UPS and he said he could see if he could try to get me a job there a while ago but i don't think he ever did. maybe this is a different location from where he works. i'm gonna go see what i can make for lunch now.

will i be able to fall asleep *FINALLY*?

i just remembered that i had an appointment to get a loner cpap today and i looked at my calendar and LUCKILY i still had time to call the ics and have her take me there. the guy at the cpap place said that he'd call me when mine was fixed even though i could've sworn the technician told me that he tried everything to get my cpap working and he couldn't- so i'd just have to get a loner to use. so at least i'll be able to fall asleep right away and get a good night sleep. oh well, i'll take it. i have another interview tomorrow for the ups store. i'm pretty sure i've interviewed for these guys a few times- maybe they'll finally decide to give me a chance at working for them? doesn't hurt to keep trying.. i don't really have anything to lose.

PRIORITIES!

well- i was sitting at my kitchen table eating breakfast having a conversation with myself and i think i figured this out a long time ago- the reason why i haven't managed to move from this state yet falls COMPLETELY on the ridiculous excuse of "support" my grandma ASSUMED would advocate for me to help me. now.. it's just about making my stupid, selfish, no-good bum of a mom comfortable with how much of a fucking unaccomplished loser she is. my stupid family members assume that i'll take the easy route in life and just go to courage kenny and collect social security my whole life because it worked for my mom! that shit won't pay for everything i need in life and THEY KNOW IT- not in this economy anyway. *gasp* THEY JUST DON'T CARE! they also refuse to acknowledge that my mom had A LOT MORE support than i do. MY PARENTS DON'T OWN AN APARTMENT WHICH THEY HOUSE ME IN FREE AND TAKE CARE OF MY KIDS BECAUSE I'M TOO STUPID TO. that's what i get for having selfish, unempathetic (so that means they also lack intelligence) excuse of family members. i know damn well amanda and my other family members wouldn't be satisfied with being limited to hauling their asses to courage kenny and collecting SSI when they've worked a few jobs and attended college. courage kenny DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THEIR CLIENT'S PROGRESS. THEY JUST CARE ABOUT APPEARING AS IF THEY DO. (reason why kevin- MY PHYSICAL THERAPIST AT COURAGE KENNY always used to use the excuse of "liability" with me when not letting me do things independently) they try to limit and discourage their clients (WHO LACK ADVOCACY) from progressing and becoming independent, so they don't have to depend on the sorry excuse of care they get. it may seem like a great thing but being vulnerable and having everyone think you CAN'T do everything is NOT cute.. or even smart. i have a video interview a little later with walzer. i'm also pretty sure that my mom is frustrated to READ EVERYTHING i've managed to do WITH a brain injury that she never was able to do since she let everyone assume she couldn't read and was slow. my family cares about me as much as to NOT encourage my goals (except for joe) just so they can look good and to keep my sorry selfish excuse of a mother happy. about the ONLY thing my mom has given me is ptsd.. OH! I FORGOT! I ALSO LOOK LIKE A VOODOO DOLL ALL SEWED UP FROM THE INCISIONS I HAD TO HAVE ON ACCOUNT OF HER SELFISH ASS HOLDING ME IN FRONT OF HER TO BLOCK MY DAD'S FOOT FROM KICKING HER! MOTHER OF THE CENTURY! *CLAPS* if jessiy thinks i'll take care of my mom's selfish ass so she doesn't get sent to a nursing home- SHE HAS ANOTHER THING COMING. what about fat amy? mom can just act like another one of her fifty kids! IT ALL WORKS OUT! plus- you and i both know that my mom would've NEVER willingly taken care of me if my grandma wasn't alive to make her. probably the reason why i no longer go and see my mom every other weekend like i did when my grandma was alive. i see no reason to. she clearly doesn't care about me- she can't even make sure i have everything i need on the weekends when i do go to her house because she's too BUSY AT THE BAR, PLAYING POOL. PRIORITIES!

this will probably be me in 10 or 20 years..

i woke up and got ready for the day, then at about 10 (a little before), i called my lyft ride. i ended up getting to the interview on time and the lady who interviewed me told me that the position required a worker who's available on monday afternoons and she said after 5 on tuesday, then we'd talk about some weekend availability. i'm completely available on monday- so that's perfect. i told her that i volunteer at sabathani on tuesdays at about 2:30 (that's the time i leave to volunteer at sabathani). she told me that she'd get back to me on friday.. so hopefully she gives me a shot. while i was waiting for the ride to come, i seen a guy who lived at the senior community home i was interviewing at yelling, confused and the nurses there had to settle him down. he must've had dementia or something. he yelled angrily, "WHAT'S HAPPENING?! WHAT'S GOING ON?! WHERE AM I?!" and then when the nurses tried to settle him down, he yelled at them, "LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M NOT DOING THAT!" part of me felt like laughing because he sounded so crazy but something made me hold my laughter, i'm not sure if it's because another part of me felt like that could be me or anyone else i care about, being so confused. i felt like crying because it was so sad and the man probably was a vet or something and now he has to deal with basically losing his mind- as if that was his thanks for serving the country. i hope the lady calls me and gives me the job because it's something i could see myself doing and i forgot to get a card from her (even though i'm pretty sure that she went outta her way to say that she didn't have any cards on her at the time but she had my email and she'd communicate with me by friday whether i got the job or not). i came back to my apartment and some other person notified me that i had a video interview at 2 today. so i gotta get ready for that.

i find myself coping with psychological mechanisms.

i scheduled three interviews three days in a row this week. the one tomorrow is for a receptionist job in the morning. the other two are video/virtual interviews. i've noticed that i've been avoidance coping so i don't have to think about how shitty my life is. i'm not sure that's really healthy considering my medical condition but i got concerta to keep me running! just hope nothing bad happens.. but if i play my cards right and take rests when i really feel tired.. i should be okay- otherwise.. I GOT THIS! you like that? i'm using your neglectful tools to dig myself a hole! then your job will be easy and you can attempt to get money outta me for your kids' trust funds! that is of course if you steal my brother's inheritance from me.. which i wouldn't put past you. she's just encouraging me to intentionally overwork to avoid dealing with personal issues, difficult emotions, relationship problems, or trauma at home. *CLAPS* MY GRANDMA WOULD BE PROUD! i actually was sitting in the lyft vehicle today on my way to sabathani and i must've looked and sounded troubled because the lyft driver asked me if i was alright when i sighed today in his vehicle in tears. i said, "yeah." through my teeth because i was feeling so frustrated with all these damn interviews i go to and they OBVIOUSLY have the idea that i'm qualified to work the job if they're gonna take time to interview me and then they see how i'm disabled during the interview and discriminate against me. i just can't convince anyone to hire me.. not even with my work experience. the disability disqualifies me from appearing that i function like a normal working person. i hope i come across someone who doesn't let the damn cane cloud their judgment and they actually give me a chance at working.

no surprise.

well- i probably shouldn't be surprised by this (even though i'm really NOT.. considering how things usually go for me). i got an email from the lady i interviewed with on saturday telling me that she found a more qualified candidate to fill the position and they'd keep my resume on file. i'm pretty sure i've got this same EXACT email from all the other employers who email me and tell me i didn't get the job saying the same exact shit- so it must be some kind of template for employers to send the people that they aren't hiring. whatever. i didn't think she was really gonna give me the job because she brought up how front desk workers always need to get up and be on the move. it kinda irritates me that she just assumes that i applied for the job to just sit around because i KNOW she seen my resume and assumed i'd be fit for the job enough to interview me until she actually SEEN who she was hiring. discrimination is real and it's not something that surprises me or is something i'm not really prepared to handle. it does kinda irritate me that she didn't take into consideration how flexible i was to just fit her in for an interview at the last minute- ESPECIALLY because i'm positive that she didn't hire me because i'm disabled. i'm able to adapt to new situations at the last moment and i displayed that when i showed up for the interview not even a day notice. just gonna have to take it that particular job wasn't meant for me and i was saved by not getting the job and continue applying and interviewing. i didn't fall or have any difficulty whatsoever manuevering around- so she can't use the excuse i fell all the time or caused any accidents or something. oh well. there's a reason for everything and this wasn't meant for me. i'm going to sabathani in about an hour now. at least it's something to keep me constructive and keep my mind outta the gutters where i actually don't ever remember feeling discriminated against (i USUALLY feel discriminated against at least once every single place i've been).

HOPEFULLY this helps.

i made an appointment next week on wednesday at protherapy to help me get more in shape, so people that interview me don't assume i'm not capable of doing front desk jobs like the person last week. i hope this will actually help me, so i'm able to keep employers interested in hiring me after seeing my resume. a person would NORMALLY assume a front-desk worker just stays stationary but i'm sure there ARE places which require them to take another worker's duties or help them with their duties.. so i just wanna make sure people stay interested in hiring me after seeing my resume AND interviewing me. my therapist came today and we were talking about how i've been able to get interviews and she shared experiences because she told me she used to be a job coach before this job. she gave me some tips and i tried to do one of them but it didn't provide any further help with actual employment in the kind of jobs i'm interested in. i'll just have to keep doin what i'm doin and eventually something will work for me. i've managed to expand my opportunities and moving from the burnsville shithole to an environment with more employers interested in hiring me has helped A LOT.. baby steps.. i'll get there. it doesn't matter what's more convenient to a bunch of bums that just support me when it's convenient or beneficial for THEM because this is MY LIFE. you dicks don't have to deal with the circumstances of living strictly on social security when your parents did NOT own an apartment/land. so butt the fuck out or go purchase a damn apartment and run it SUCCESSFULLY- until then- butt the fuck out. whining to our relatives and grandma's friends isn't gonna get you SHIT. people who play "victim" all the time are NOT cute.. or even smart. you can't hold someone in front of you while life kicks your ass. tough shit. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD. your mommy isn't here to protect you anymore. i never had that benefit. my mom sacrificed my body while being kicked by my dad.. i don't need to tell you that though. YOU did it.
i called the people who i interviewed with last week. the lady who told me right away that front desk workers are really active and on their feet all the time (insinuating i wouldn't be interested in the job because she seen my cane) told me she still had some interviews and she'll call me later. i had expected for her to just straight out tell me that she gave the job to someone else right away.. but i guess not. another lady who i interviewed with said that she was still interviewing people and she'd get back to me later and i had to leave a voicemail for the other guy i interviewed with on friday i think. HOPEFULLY someone is interested.. just gotta wait. i have a video interview with some car dealership to be the receptionist there on thursday. gotta keep my options open. i just hope they don't require me to have any automobile knowledge.. i don't think they will but ya never know for sure- they might want all their workers to be familiar with cars.. who knows.

am i that out of shape?

i'm still thinking about that interview on friday when the lady interviewing me was implying that i wasn't in the proper shape to work the job.. i've seen people who are twice my size working.. (well it might not have been in a hotel) but i have been trained by some guy who had to be at least twice my age.. or close to it and they still employed him. i'm pretty sure the woman had assumed that i was in the shape to work the job considering my work experience and i doubt she would've wasted her time interviewing me if she knew i wasn't in the shape to work the job. so with all of this said- that just tells me that i have to go back to protherapy and work with them some more- seeing as the soonest i could schedule my acupuncture appointment was at the end of this month. i'm pretty sure i'll ACTUALLY see results from acupuncture since joe recommended it to me from FIRST-HAND EXPERIENCE. the day amanda attends courage kenny as a client for a month or so and she can honestly tell me how she thinks they helped her in rehabilitation to become more ambulatory and strong is the day i'll actually fuckin consider listening to her. after all- SHE DOESN'T LISTEN TO ME AND MY FIRST HAND EXPERIENCE ACCOUNTS! NO.. i'm just an idiot with a traumatic brain injury.. IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT I HAVE VIDEOS OF ME AT COURAGE KENNY (PROBABLY AROUND 10-15 YEARS AGO) BECAUSE THAT DOESN'T BENEFIT HER! SHE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE SHE ACTUALLY GIVES A DAMN ABOUT ME! plus it's more convenient for her to neglect my needs and personal experiences, so she can look "supportive" and "caring" to her kewliez sister-in-law WHO SHE'S NOT RELATED TO BY BLOOD AND WHO SHE ALSO DIDN'T GROW UP WITH. NONE OF THAT MATTERS THOUGH! you are seriously an idiot if you assume i'm alright letting someone who's never lived a day in my life try to direct my life. i WILL make your life a living hell if i'm forced to go back to that sad excuse of a rehabilitation "facility". that's a promise. if you think i'm crazy now.. you haven't seen NOTHIN yet. if i go down- YOU'RE GOIN WITH ME along with all these other anuses who are trying to ruin my life by acting like they actually "care" about me by attempting to control what and where i end up. *GASP* THAT MEANS YOU TOO MOMMY AND FAT AMY! i would've been a nicer person if you guys would just MIND YOUR BUSINESS. IF MY GRANDMA HONESTLY THOUGHT I WASN'T CAPABLE OF MAKING MY OWN DECISIONS- SHE WOULD'VE MADE SURE I GOT A CONSERVATOR OR GUARDIAN. she didn't know how to SAFELY get me where i wanted to live because she knew she was getting old and naive- that is why she told me to wait for my cousin amanda to help me get where i wanted safely. i can honestly tell you that she'd be disappointed with the lack of help and assistance i've recieved from you. newsflash: I'M NOT GRANDMA. I DON'T SWEEP ABUSE UNDER THE FUCKIN RUG. NOT AFTER ALL THE SHIT I'VE PERSONALLY BEEN THROUGH BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU ASSHOLES DID TO ME. if you actually cared about me- this would probably mean more to all of you. THANKS FOR THE PTSD, DICKS! YOU'VE BEEN SO MUCH HELP TO ME CONTROLLING IT AND MAKING SURE MORE SYMPTOMS DON'T ARISE! if you think i was honest during my last sentence- YOU'RE STUPIDER THAN I THOUGHT YOU WERE.

not getting my hopes up on this one.

i went to the interview at the hotel that some lady from there emailed me about a job this afternoon. i'm not even sure exactly why she even contacted me if she was just gonna discriminate against me for having a cane. we were talking to each other at a table and she went out of her way almost right away to say, "there's A LOT of moving around when you're at the front desk. you have to get up all the time and run to client's rooms ALL THE TIME." i'm not sure if she was expecting some kind of reaction out of me but i just brushed off her comment because i remember SEVERAL times where i've PERSONALLY ran to the offices of different people who work at sabathani community center for some reason or another to tell them something (either because i wasn't fully familiar with the phone system yet or some other reason). i'm not really sure WHY the hell she even took the chance in interviewing me if she wasn't sure i was completely physically capable of working the job and she discriminated against me, assuming i wouldn't be capable of working the job. so i'm not even sure i wanna work in an environment like that (even though everyone else in the hotel seemed to treat me normally), i gotta keep in mind the two other interviews i had before this one and the employers said they'd get back to me on monday and tuesday of this coming week. good thing i didn't get my hopes up too much about this job (even though it feels like i've interviewed at this hotel at least once or twice before in my life- they always switch supervisors though.. so i doubt they'd personally remember me). i don't even think she gave me credit for attending the interview at the last minute and being flexible enough to make it work at the last minute.

another interview!

i just got back from a wax and when i was at the salon, i checked my email and some lady from a hotel i applied to on indeed emailed me asking if i was available for an interview today or another time. i called fredrick to see if he could bring me to the interview and we came up with 4. she said she was available at 4:45/5- so i confirmed the time because fredrick said he'd be able to take me at that time. so i got another interview at a hotel now! so i'm sure this means that i'm at least qualified for the types of jobs i'm really interested in working since employers DO seem to be interested in hiring me because if they weren't- i'm sure they wouldn't waste time interviewing me because they could be doing other things. it irritates me that my family (except joe) doesn't seem to have the confidence in me working.. EVEN with the prior work experience to interest employers. which is also another reason why i don't wanna live in this particular state because they aren't supportive of me if it doesn't make them look good or benefit them in any other way. THAT'S NOT HOW FAMILY IS SUPPOSED TO ACT. so FUCK the argument that i shouldn't look to move to another state because my family is here. THEY OBVIOUSLY DON'T CARE ABOUT MY WELL-BEING IF IT DOESN'T BENEFIT THEM AND IF IT'S NOT CONVENIENT FOR THEM EVEN THOUGH THIS IS MY LIFE. a normal supportive family would encourage me to complete and excel at my goals since this is MY life- NOT THEIRS. MAYBE IF THEIR HUSBANDS HAVE SISTERS OR OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS WHO WORK AT THE HOTEL.. THEY MIGHT BE MORE SUPPORTIVE BUT I DOUBT IT SINCE THEY'RE NOT REALLY BENEFITING FROM IT. seriously- JUST BUTT OUT AND MIND YOUR BUSINESS. I AM NOT A PAWN TO MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE "CARING" OR GET YOU CLOSER TO YOUR IN-LAW'S RELATIVES. i didn't go through ALL the shit i've been through in life JUST to remain a vulnerable rehabilitation pawn to make my family look like they actually fucking care about me when they CAN'T EVEN ANSWER THE PHONE WHEN THE EMERGENCY ROOM CALLS THEM. oh.. it wasn't a good time for you? i'll make sure i nearly crack my head open in a more convenient time for you next time! you should've never fuckin taken the responsibility if YOU WEREN'T GONNA DO IT. YOU GOT THIS! you've obviously never been around a person with a traumatic brain injury and don't try to act like you fucking care by IGNORING EVERYTHING I'VE ALREADY DONE TO HELP ME PROGRESS WHERE I ACTUALLY AM ABLE TO FUNCTION JUST BECAUSE YOU LOOK "CARING" AND KEWLIEZ TO YOUR IN-LAWS. you might figure, "oh stacy is too stupid to help herself since she has a traumatic brain injury! she'll be happy that someone is actually paying attention to her regardless if it's shit she's ALREADY done probably 10-15 years ago because she's too stupid to recognize WE DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT HER!".. seriously- if you're not on the same fucking page as me because you feel like laughing with dustin and the other cousins about how crazy i am- JUST BUTT OUT. i KNOW this is NOT how my grandma thought you'd support me. she thought you actually cared about us to help us how we really needed to be helped- NOT just what's beneficial and convenient for YOU.