a few thoughts.. can't rise to a place that no one else can reach because of jealousy and they say it's "inconvenient" to them when they haven't done anything to help me get there.

i've been looking at the "traffic" on my blog lately and it was JUST as i expected- once i blocked my mom on facebook so she couldn't see my profile and blog link.. my traffic MYSTERIOUSLY went DOWN. if she really cared about me- she'd remember the url to my blog off the top of her head ESPECIALLY since she views it so much a day. 5 views on sunday.. 3 views on saturday.. and a hell of a lot more views BEFORE that. misery loves company. she's anxious to see someone who came from the same place she did doing just as bad as her and she's looking to be inspired (because she's a sad, ignorant little woman). i told my psychologist that one of my biggest fears was to turn out EXACTLY like she is. my psychologist disregarded it immediately, trying to reassure me that i'm NOTHING like my mom. she said that i actually work jobs and put myself out there. she said that anytime i have bad thoughts about becoming like my mom- i was supposed to picture putting the thoughts in a briefcase and shoving the briefcase on the back of the highest shelf in my closet- outta sight, outta mind. i'm not her or my fat sister's form of entertainment and/or amusement. i was thinking about this and i honestly think my mom is partially to blame for me running off to new york and getting in a car accident. i was using the stupid excuse of confidence i got from her to motivate me to take the opportunity to run off without telling anyone. i also more than likely felt like it's not like i had much to lose if anything bad happened- seeing as my mom shows absolutely NO concern about me if it doesn't have to do with her selfish ass. same goes for the rest of my family except joe and jay.
i really hope i get the job tomorrow. i hope i'm not forgetting anything- i'm gonna have ics assist me to make sure i'm prepared for the interview tomorrow. i think back to the last job i was working at the hotel and just going in for training and i ended up quitting because the guy who was training me complained to some women that worked at the hotel also about how he didn't see how the supervisor expected him to train me because "look at her." so i'm guessing he's referring to the fact i use a cane to walk because i don't see anything else that would prevent me from working adequately. i wonder if i should've told his supervisor about that comment instead of quitting but i didn't really like the fact that another worker was talking about the worker he was training in and felt comfortable enough to basically insult me before really seeing what i can and can't do.
then i always think about how a lady who works at sabathani community center called me and asked me if i took any aptitude or skills tests to see my strengths at working. i KNOW i've taken tests like this before and i told my job coach and she killed the idea and said, "i'd have to have you sign a release of information and talk to my supervisor." then i said, "fine. i'll sign a release of information." and i called her supervisor at least TWICE and left him voicemails about this and got ZERO responses. i don't really understand the fuckin point of volunteering for a place if there's no promotion to the job and i'm not getting ANYTHING whatsoever besides experience from the job. i have a feeling that the lady from sabathani spoke to her supervisor and he seen how well i work first hand experience and told her to contact me to see if they can move me to another more hands-on position because the supervisor has actually seen me working first hand experience a few times at the front desk. however- I'M NOT GONNA GET ANYWHERE WITH SAD EXCUSES OF EMPLOYMENT COACHES LIKE THIS. people wonder why i'm so pissed off with things at times. i can't do ANYTHING with my fuckin life that actually makes me look like an actual SUCCESSFUL person. i get held back from excelling to a place I want because it's inconvenient for others or because they don't think i should get opportunities if they don't (even if I AM the one doing all the work).

cero dinero.

well.. shit. i just attempted to use my debit card to pay for my lyft ride to my hair appointment and it kept saying my card wasn't valid. so i'm thinking i went over my monthly limit and it's not working anymore. so i don't know how the hell i'll get to my appointment.. i called the salon to cancel my appointment and the lady said, "well- we're gonna have to charge you anyway because you didn't give a 24 hour notice." and i said, "okay." while i was thinking, "you can try but i'm not sure they'll even give YOU money.." so whatever. i kinda figured that shit would happen to me because i'm sure it happened to me before. ah well.. i'll just have to wait to get my hair foiled until i ACTUALLY have dinero.

AI STACY?!

i was thinking about the lack of care and respect i'm receiving from my mom and amanda.. probably the rest of my family with exception to joe and jay. amanda seems to think she can be considered "supportive" doing the LEAST she can do and just encouraging me to go BACK to courage kenny where they DON'T help me with shit JUST because her sister-in-law is a physical therapist at courage kenny. SHE NEVER GAVE A FUCK WHEN I WAS ATTENDING THAT OVERRATED EXCUSE OF A "REHABILITATION CENTER". does she think my videos of me walking which i put on facebook were AI generated or something? an AI stacy! everyone's worst nightmare. courage kenny DIDN'T help me with anything but giving me a place to practice walking. i never used any of their useless machines that my living room wall could operate. i also walked in their pool.. so like i said- they gave me a safe place to walk. the main reason behind my walking was tram holloway's arp therapy. my grandma seen how frustrated i was getting with courage kenny refusing to help me get better because they'd underestimate my potential so they could get me to think i still needed their help in therapy so they could get money doing absolutely NOTHING. i can't remember how many nights i'd cry to my grandma on the phone about courage kenny wasting my life and i could be other places actually making a life for myself. she'd just dismiss the complaints and say, "WHEN I DIE- AMANDA WILL HAVE YOU IN NEW YORK! NO MORE COURAGE KENNY!" my grandma died over 10 fuckin years ago- I'M STILL IN MINNESOTA! so she went out and found tram holloway to ACTUALLY get RESULTS. my grandma made me promise that i'd wait for amanda to assist me in moving to new york because i'm sure she thought i'd get into an accident or some other fatal way in order to get there JUST like last time i went to new york on my own. so amanda is pretty much the barrier here. that and my naive careless grandma. YOU LIKE THAT AMANDA? I'M INSULTING MY OWN GRANDMA BECAUSE OF YOU. maybe one day you'll lose your sense of entitlement and actually CARE for someone other than yourself. i blocked my mom on facebook to see if my traffic views for my blog would decrease and they decreased dramatically. so my mom and/or sister didn't fuckin care about me enough to know the url of my blog- which they viewed at least 15 times a day or they just carelessly depended on my facebook profile which has the url to my blog on it because they're nosey bums. i'm pretty sure family is supposed to be SUPPORTIVE and not jealous, nosey headcases which don't wanna see someone who came from the same place as them do worse or the same in life. someone needs God. and i'm not talking about that phony shit wearing crosses so people assume you're Christian like my mom does. it's gonna take more than that to get your selfish, nosey ass into heaven. i have an appointment to get my hair foiled this afternoon at the salon. the stylist i had which dyed my hair like a week or two ago told me to make an appointment with her in two weeks for a foil but i forgot the name of the stylist. i suppose it doesn't matter.

don't wake the monster.

i was speaking to one of my friends yesterday and he said that i surprised him a long time ago when i was with him and i said that he had a big.. while he was telling me this, he was like, "you were this nice girl that i just helped in summit and you're talking about how you knew i had a big.." i read when he said that and i thought, "haha this sounds a little demanding but i wouldn't put it past me to say something like this.." so needless to say- i didn't doubt that i said that. it surprises me when i look back at things i've done and it's so crazy but i don't doubt it. i must have this calm composure that surprises people.. it's funny because things seem so crazy but i can't NOT imagine myself doing certain things i've been told i did. i don't seem like the kind of person to say/do half the shit i do.. it surprises me also when i think about it. kinda like "you woke the monster.. WATCH OUT." kinda thing because it's so unpredictable.

ANOTHER *common* BARRIER to living successfully and happy.

i told my psychologist about being tired lately and how i have an interview on friday that i don't wanna be tired for because i haven't had any concerta in probably around two weeks. my psychologist told me i should call my doctor and request another prescription since the only way i'm able to pick up my concerta is with an ID because it's a controlled substance and a doctor is supposed to call a new prescription when i don't have any which is the case now. i called my nurse that fills my anodyne machine and asked her about the concerta and said i needed to have some by friday because i have another interview then. the nurse returned my call like 20 minutes ago and told me that the prescription is sitting at the pharmacy waiting to be picked up and she wrote a note for me to go pick up the meds the last time she was here. so i asked fredrick if he could bring me tomorrow since i'm apparently unable to drive myself and i don't have the benefit of actually having someone who ACTUALLY cares about me enough to advocate for me to get my driver's license again. whatever. doesn't concern my supposed "loved" ones. IT'S JUST NOT CONVENIENT FOR THEM! I GOT THIS! *ROLLS EYES*

SOMEONE *WILL* PAY ME.

you know what? i'm more than positive that BOTH my trustee and payee are fuckin me over. why do i say that? when brian USED to be my trustee- he ALWAYS made sure i got my renters rebate and tax refund. *GASP* i HAVEN'T received one since he stopped working with me.. which has been a year or two i think. just more proof of how shitty jobs WOMEN do compared to men. i remember douglas asked me if i got my renters refund check a while ago and i just said, "no, my payee said she's working on it." and the jackass NEVER ended up sending it to me- SAME WITH AMY'S SMART ASS. i WILL contact the irs MYSELF and report this shit in if i don't get the money that is owed to ME. got it, bitches? since i can't take a shit without people talking about it- i know this shit will get back to them. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. DO YOUR FUCKING JOBS CORRECTLY. "we just won't give stacy this money because then it'll look like we're actually doing our jobs and we can spend this money along with amanda! we'll give her a cut so she doesn't say anything since stacy IS mentally handicapped!" FUCK YOU ALL. I DIDN'T GO THROUGH ALL THE SHIT I DID IN LIFE SO PEOPLE CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME AND TREAT ME LIKE A DAMN IDIOT.

HOORAY! FORCED TO WEAR A MACHINE THAT FORCES ME TO BREATHE SO I CAN *ACTUALLY* SLEEP!

sleep apnea will become the death of me if i continue to let this shit go on. ah well- not like i have much guaranteed to live for anymore. douglas told me that i kept stopping breathing last night and i remember when i'd sleep at my grandma's house when she was still alive, my grandma would get scared all the time when i would sleep and she'd wake me up to check if i was still breathing because she claimed there were times when i was sleeping that i would stop breathing. so it'd probably be useful to get those cpap tubes in the mail soon, so i don't have to sleep without a damn machine basically forcing me to breath while i sleep. i'm not overweight and i've never smoked a cigarette in my whole life. so i'm pretty sure this is a side effect to one of the many surgeries i've had to have on my palet (because it was injured in the car accident i was in). so it's not like I did anything to get this damn sleep apnea and it's inconveniencing as fuck. not to forget- mu grandma and mom BOTH have apnea- so my genetics fuck me again. i have to have a damn machine forcing me to breathe in order to sleep and i'm not even 40 years old yet (2 more months). half the time i don't even wear that shit and i haven't worn it for a while because the piece of shit turns off within like 2 minutes. they're hoping that the new tubing i'm supposed to get in the mail will solve that problem though.

so i get ANOTHER shot..

i went to the nail shop to get my nails done. on the way back in the lyft vehicle, i checked my indeed account and i seen that the clinic i interviewed with (i think on monday?) in minneapolis actually got back to me. i had assumed that she wouldn't even be interested in hiring me because of my tardiness and because of the lecture she gave me about how she showed up for all her interviews 2 hrs before every interview before she became supervisor and had to look for jobs before she got the supervisor job there. it obviously didn't make too much of a difference because she messaged me asking for times i'm available for a second interview. this time, i'm calculating the ride time and adding an HOUR on for traffic- if i get there too soon.. at least i wasn't late and it'll give me time to prepare for the interview. i had a feeling in the back of my mind that she might've been interested in hiring me but i wasn't completely sure and all i kept thinking about was how disappointed she sounded when lecturing me. now- i gotta wait for her response on the times i'm available for another interview. now i remember that she complimented my wardrobe also.. so maybe it DID erase the tardiness of my last interview?

i'm sleeping a LITTLE better.

before i got up, the sleep clinic (i can't think of the name of it right now) called me and asked me the problem with my cpap and i told them that both my nurse and pca tried to stick the tubes that were given to me for my cpap machine in the machine and the tubes wouldn't fit for either of them. the lady looked up my cpap model and told me she'd send some new tubes in the mail to me. i hope that's a solution but the people at the sleep store when i went a few days ago looked at my cpap model also and sent tubes home with me and they didn't fit. so i'm not really sure. although- i WAS able to fall asleep naturally last night without my normal difficulties.. hopefully that sleep pattern continues at least until the new tubes that actually fit come in the mail. i had ics today and they helped me schedule an appointment for my hair to be foiled since the stylist who dyed my hair a few weeks ago told me to schedule it today. i was thinking about why i didn't cut my hair and i think that when women cut their hair- it ACTUALLY makes them appear older. i don't really ever REMEMBER having really short hair my whole life- i think the shortest it's ever got has been to my shoulders when i was 13 or 14 maybe a little younger. so with all of that said- the most i'll probably do is trim it since my hair grows like weeds anyway thanks to my dad's genetics. he gave me and my brother his hair type and he gave me his temper. my brother doesn't have a temper at all. i was the one blessed with that trait. the ics worker who tried to make it look like she was being "helpful" by treating me like i was stupid and i couldn't even walk by myself found that i have a temper out before she took me to the sleep store earlier this week. fredrick said that i was acting crazy- i honestly don't remember acting crazy. i thought i had my temper taken care of after a few sessions with my psychologist but i guess not. maybe she just awakened the beast?