i'm not sure if it pays.

i had the interview for a pharmacy technician, i think it went alright- but i'm not gonna get my hopes up because she DID mention how they fired pharmacy technicians that weren't certified and refused to get certified.. i'm pretty sure she asked me if i'd be willing to take classes to be certified and i said "yeah" without hesitating. the rest of the interview went well and she said she'd send me an application that i needed to get filled out today and at the end of the application, it asks for my certifications and i don't have any certifications yet, so i tried to go past them and it kept giving me an error saying that i was missing some fields. so i need to try to get ahold of the lady who interviewed me and ask her what to do if i'm still qualified for the job. HOPEFULLY i get can get ahold of her. i'm not getting my hopes up because i'm not certified to do a lot of this work but they may give me a chance to take classes to get certified. so i'm gonna try calling now.
then i went to my spanish class and the professor had me recite some words to him and i did, after i recited the words and sentences, he seemed surprised and pleased. i know that just from experience in all the spanish classes i've taken in the past, it's irritating hearing people mispronounce the words because sometimes it feels like they're doing it intentionally which comes off as ignorant as hell. he told me that i have an accent for the language. at least i'm not one of those irritating girls who act like they know how to speak the language when they don't have a clue on how to do it.

a few adjustments to the cell video chat interview.. HOPEFULLY THEY'RE RIGHT.

alright.. i THINK that i'm prepared for the interview now. i slipped on a cardigan just now because i looked at the top i have on and i don't think that some people who are interviewing me would be too keen on it- since it's a tank top with one shoulder. i'm also gonna find a way to prop my cell phone up at my computer desk and speak to the person who is interviewing me because i'm not sure if that may have been one thing the interviewer had a problem with because in my previous interviews- i'm pretty sure i was sitting on a couch and interviewing- so i may have been slouched in a not so professional way?
i emailed the travel pca who is going with me to boston my next trip and i asked her if we could check out the only apartment i found in boston so far and i told her i called them and asked them to send me an application in the mail. she emailed me yesterday and replied to my email saying we could fit it in the trip schedule and asked the address. i found 2 or 3 different addresses with the SAME street numbers.. so i'm hoping we'll at least see the correct apartment when we go to the one i gave her- if all else fails- we can just ask people at the location i gave her if they know where the particular apartment we're looking for is. i'm not sure how long their waiting list is but the only way to get chosen for the apartment is to start somewhere.

future planning..

my job coach came to my apartment today and i had the digital meeting with the community center. there were two other women in the meeting. to tell you the truth, i'm not really sure i impressed them for any reason, so i think they MAY consider another candidate but my job coach was listening to the interview and she said that i didn't say anything wrong during the interview.. so at least that's good. i have another virtual interview tomorrow and i didn't really expect my job coach to say she'll be at my place for it since she was already at my place once this week (today) but she's actually gonna be there, so hopefully i won't be nervous and/or make any mistakes in the interview.
i just had my meeting with ics and they put the filter that came in the mail in my cpap- so HOPEFULLY i can fall asleep earlier than after 1 or 2 am now. he also helped me call an apartment in massachusetts for an application. i got ahold of them and they took my address so they can send me an application. i'm probably gonna see if the travel pca can go with me to check out the actual apartment when i take my trip to massachusetts but i don't know if we'll have time.. i can see though.

don't tell me what to do when you can't even make wise decisions yourself.

i spoke with my psychologist just now. i'm glad i have someone to vent to and talk things out with every week. i told her about how my mom insinuates how she's just like me while being clingy and attempting to keep me here (while being totally DISRESPECTFUL to my goals and desires when SHE is NOT the one who's had to do ANY of the work to get me where i end up and she does NOT have to deal with the consequences of my choices). i also told her about how my brother and i were basically raised by our grandparents and my sister was raised by my mom and my psychologist made the observation how my brother and i BOTH graduated high school and went onto college while my sister hasn't even got her high school diploma yet and i'm almost positive her class in school should have graduated already a while ago. my psychologist said that it's probably because my brother and i shared the same values as our grandparents and they valued school, so we'd ACTUALLY have a future. before my psychologist came, i scheduled another interview with someone for a pharmacy technician job. to tell you the truth, when i applied to the job on indeed, i didn't really have much confidence in them being interested in me because of my lack of pharmacy experience. heh- i was wrong about that as usual.. i feel like i had the same assumption about other jobs that actually showed interest in hiring me. then i thought, my friend andrew worked as a pharmacy technician and i was almost positive that i have AT LEAST as much knowledge as he does, so i applied for it on indeed. so i might be alright with this job but i'm not gonna get my hopes up since i have never really specified pharmacy work before. i also scheduled another interview for tomorrow when my job coach is supposed to come, which actually IS the job field i specify in being a receptionist for some community center. we'll see though, i'm just keeping my mind open to be as flexible as possible when it comes to work. my arm also has been hurting me and my psychologist pointed out that it's more than likely got to do with my mom stressing me out- so my mom hurts me again and is the cause of pain.. why aren't i surprised? she said that she noticed that my arm was getting tense while i was telling her about how my mom expected certain things of me and about my living experience with her. so therefore ANYONE advocating or just caring about what or how my mom feels about things going on with me are just conveniently thinking about their OWN good and NOT MINE. you really care about me? my ass. selfish assholes. learn empathy, you morons.

the arm pain continues but i actually have a future solution to it!

i woke up today and my arm was in pain AS USUAL. so i called my care coordinator to make sure he makes an appointment with the doctor to look at it BEFORE i go to boston on the 30th of october but i wasn't sure at the time of the exact date (when i got up- i looked at the paper i wrote my flight and trip info. on). i just don't wanna be on the trip that my arm hurts so bad, i have to go to the emergency room in boston because i'm pretty sure i had to go to a dentist in new york when my tooth was in pain (then they checked it out and i'm not sure if they gave me something for it or how my tooth started feeling better because this happened so long ago.. OH- i just remembered, they put a temp. cap in my root canal and i had the actual one put in when i got back home). so i called my care coordinator because i wanted to make sure he made an appointment for the doctor to look at my arm/shoulder. he ended up calling me back about an hour or so ago and he told me that he DID make an appointment and the time of it. i just went to my calendar to write it down and i DID write an appointment on there that day for 9:45 i think with my primary care doctor but he told me the appointment was at 11.. so i'm not sure if they're the same appointments or different ones. i'm afraid if i fall when i get up and am walking around, my left arm will be in so much pain that i won't be able to get myself up. i remember falling once and crawling to my couch and having to suck up the pain (kevin hart's voice came in my head saying "DON'T BE A BITCH.") that i managed to pull myself up on the couch using my arm that was in pain. this shit definitely beats being stranded in a fucking electric wheelchair, always having to adjust myself because my ass is in pain from sitting so long and having my neck to constantly be in pain from the muscle tone gathering up from being in the same fucking place ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. i don't have to deal with that now that i don't have a wheelchair anymore though. it may be more convenient for people who SUPPOSEDLY "care" about me to be wheelchair dependant because i'm stuck depending on a machine and i can't move around- so they assume i can't get in trouble but until you pricks have experienced this PERSONALLY- you can go fuck yourselves and just stop trying to look like you "care" because it's obvious to me (the OWNER of MY LIFE) that you care at YOUR CONVENIENCE. so just save yourself the trouble/time and leave me the fuck alone. stop pretending. you're NOT getting ANYTHING outta it. i know that because my brother has better things to do (LIKE WORK AN ACTUAL FUCKING JOB) besides read his older sister's blog all the fuckin time and my money is going to HIM when something happens to me (if it doesn't- i will haunt whoever's responsible).

HOW WOULD *YOU* LIKE IT?

i'm sure i've wrote about my frustration with this many times before- how people refuse to look at the work that i ACTUALLY do INDEPENDENTLY because then if they recognized my progress- they wouldn't be able to emptily "support" me to stay in the same environment which is more convenient for people/family who SUPPOSEDLY "care" about me (they can't even answer the phone when i call them when i go to the emergency room- THAT'S HOW MUCH THEY "CARE"!! *rolls eyes and gags*)- when i called my own mother when i went to the emergency room ONCE, she acted like the world was ending just because i told her i was in the emergency room. either she's putting on a show (because she really doesn't support me otherwise- i'm convinced because she realizes she doesn't have the same interests/values as i do) or she's not emotionally capable to deal with emergencies.. where i was OBVIOUSLY healthy enough and/or in good enough condition to speak to MY OWN MOM during a fucking emergency.. I'M OBVIOUSLY ALRIGHT IF I CAN CALL YOU MYSELF. i have been getting frustrated as of late thinking about how amanda, my mom, and the rest of the people who supposedly "care" about me enough to preach that i need to be wasting my life doing easy shit that my living room wall could do and call it "therapy" while at courage kenny like a mindless trained fuckin dog. i'm sure they figure that since minnesota has "courage kenny"- THEY'RE AUTOMATICALLY THE BEST FOR REHAB. AND SINCE I HAVE A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY- I'M TOO STUPID TO RECOGNIZE THAT THEY'RE DOING NOTHING BUT WASTING MY TIME WHEN I ATTEND THERE BUT MINNESOTA IS THE ONLY PLACE WITH COURAGE KENNY SO IT ALL WORKS OUT- RIGHT AMANDA?! WRONG.. as usual. my friend ryan who is from new york- told me that new york ALSO has courage kenny institutes!!! *gasp* moron. i never ASKED for a traumatic brain injury. i DIDN'T grow up saying, "MAN! I WANT TO LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE IN MINNESOTA ATTENDING THE COURAGE CENTER!" NO.. THAT IS WHY I HAD MY ACT SCORES SENT TO SEVERAL NEW YORK COLLEGES. when i was in the car accident that i was in, i DIDN'T DIE. so quit fuckin acting like i did and i'm too stupid to MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS. you're not getting anything outta it except a very irritated stacy. LIKE YOU GIVE A FUCK! IT'S NOT CONVENIENT FOR YOU. my mom needs to stop wasting her time ACTING like she cares. SHE DIDN'T CARE WHEN SHE LEFT ME HOME ALONE WHEN I WAS QUADRIPLEGIC AND WHEELCHAIR BOUND AND SHE FIGURED I WAS ALRIGHT ALONE WHEN SHE WENT OUT TO THE BAR TO PLAY POOL! don't make me go on about her fucking negligence as a parent. WHY DON'T YOU GO STEAL MORE MONEY FROM YOUR OWN SON?! the only reason i'm convinced she hasn't stole money from me is because my grandma (when she was alive obviously) threatened her if she ever stole from me. you just need to let your kids grow up how THEY want to. i've made mistakes but i'm STILL HERE to learn from them. just stop acting like you care because you're not impressing anyone. no one cares about me that much to pay attention to your stupid ass. i'm also irritated that amanda seems to act supportive towards me when it benefits HER. now that her sister-in-law is a physical therapist at courage kenny- she's all of a sudden "supportive" of me! they DIDN'T help me. they tried to keep me as disabled as possible so i could continue attending that waste of space. EVERYTHING i wanted help with- they coincidentally DIDN'T help me with! i put in my goal book when i was going there that i wanted to get my driver's license again. they failed me all THREE of the behind-the-wheel tests and put "needs more therapy".. so i PAID for behind-the-wheel lessons like they recommended and *gasp* they told me i WAS SAFE to drive- i just needed to get a vehicle to take the behind-the-wheel license test with! brian of course negligently ignored all of this- i'm pretty sure the only reason why he even agreed to pay for driving lessons for me is because he assumed they'd fail me and that'd be the end of it. i deal with this negligence bullshit every day. i don't know why i was surprised. the therapists at courage kenny would use the excuse: YOU'LL BE LIVING IN NEW YORK! NO ONE DRIVES THERE BECAUSE THEY HAVE SUCH A GREAT TRANSPORTATION SYSTEM! okay, shut the fuck up, you incompetent dicks. go try to take advantage of OTHER DISABLED CLIENTS WITHOUT ANY REAL ADVOCACY. i didn't go through ALL the shit i went through in life- i've had a tbi for 13 years and i STILL don't even have my fucking driver's license to show for it. "COURAGE KENNY AND MINNESOTA ARE THE BEST IN THE COUNTRY FOR REHAB.!" MY FUCKIN ASS AMANDA. DON'T SAY SHIT UNLESS YOU'VE EXPERIENCED IT FROM A FIRST HAND EXPERIENCE. IF YOU REALLY CARED ABOUT ME- YOU'D KNOW THAT EVEN MY GRANDMA LOST CONFIDENCE IN COURAGE KENNY, SO SHE WENT OUT AND FOUND TRAM HOLLOWAY WHO ACTUALLY HELPED ME PROGRESS SO I BECAME AMBULATORY USING HIS ARP THERAPY- HE NEVER USED THE WEAK ASS EXCUSE OF "LIABILITY" WHEN HELPING ME WITH ARP THERAPY UNLIKE COURAGE KENNY. YOU OBVIOUSLY STRUGGLE WITH EMPATHY ALSO BECAUSE HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY, GO THROUGH YEARS OF THERAPY, NUMEROUS HOURS OF DRIVER'S TRAINING, AND STILL NOT EVEN HAVE YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE TO SHOW FOR IT?! YOU WOULDN'T. maybe you should go marry someone that has in-laws who are PSYCHOLOGISTS because you'd consider this thing called "EMPATHY" more. i don't know who i'm fooling though.. empathy requires INTELLIGENCE. when i got in the accident that i was NOT even drinking AT ALL in- i should've just died. then my mom would at least receive sympathy from it because NOTHING else is coming from it. NOTHING i ever do to help myself progresses me anymore. i stretch my neck, walk 15 minutes EVERY DAY, and do the stretches/exercises i was given by physical therapy EVERY DAY and people REFUSE to acknowledge my progress and effort. NO WONDER WHY THE HELL I DON'T WASTE MY TIME AT COURAGE KENNY. THEY DON'T HELP WITH ANYTHING. amanda never gave a fuck when i WAS going there about 15 years ago i think.. she should really stop wasting her time pretending to give a fuck when she hasn't done ANYTHING my grandma CLAIMED she'd do for me after she was dead. must suck to be alright with making your own aunt look like a naive fool. *sigh* whatever. i don't have that problem- guess i don't suck that much as a human being. if i did have neices that insinuated that shit about me- i can't tell you how fast i'd make sure i got them over my knee. it might seem funny but having a niece that makes you look like you're a naive crazy old lady must really suck. but no one cares, right amanda?! YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME OR YOUR AUNT!

trying to get prepared for the future..

i met with ics today and they assisted me to check my email and look when the next trip i'm taking is. they also helped me look into an affordable apartment in massachusetts. i couldn't find that many apartments but the only way i'll get a place is if i apply as soon as possible and be proactive about it (which i'm pretty sure i struggled with during my new york apartment search). i'm pretty sure i also remember applying to another job or two on indeed today. i'll try to take advantage of the fact that employers won't be biased against me because i'm basically in a brand new area starting work, but that'll probably just be detrimental to my work-life but i think about (i'm pretty sure it was during my last interview) when the guy asked me why i haven't worked in so long- i told him without hesitation, "i've been moving from apartment to apartment trying to get re-hired and i've been working on searching for jobs ever since i stopped going to summit.." they act like it's so damn easy to get a job. i admit that i probably had the same assumption at one time in my life- you don't know until you experience something FIRST-HAND EXPERIENCE. don't get cocky about it either- God can and will change the story as soon as you do. i'll continue looking for a job but i gotta keep in mind that if i don't find a job- i always have the customized employment option to fall back on.. i'm pretty sure the meeting for that is next month at the end of the month if i don't find a job. i was optimistic about this volunteer job that i applied to yesterday because i doubt they'd be paying me but at least it could be something to put on my resume to keep my work experience active. they probably have a lot of other people applying for the job knowing my luck though. i'm pretty sure it was the job that scheduled a microsoft teams interview with me on tuesday though.. so at least they're interested in doing the next stage of hiring with me? i just hope the microsoft teams app works properly for me to have the interview on tuesday- the ics worker helped me sign into my microsoft teams account with my gmail address today to get prepared for it. now it's just gotta work properly for me to actually talk to the person on tuesday.

interview and normal bitching..

i woke up today and got ready for the day, after lifting my dumbbell, i went on indeed and looked at the suggested jobs for me and i ended up applying for a receptionist job at a community center- then after i was done eating breakfast, they messaged me asking me if i could do a virtual interview with them. i messaged them back with the time they gave me to choose from. they confirmed the interview a little while after. so i hope i can be hired again soon. this job isn't a "maybe it's what i'm looking for.." like my last in-person interview, i can ACTUALLY see myself working the job because it's the job field i'm qualified to work. i just had an interview which turned out to be for a daycare community like job. i'm anxious for anyone to just let me get my feet wet again.. the customized employment appointment to get it all set up is still scheduled a month or so from now in case i don't find a job.. so this would be great if i could get hired and everything in this particular job that the virtual interview is for next week (i think) i have the abilities to do. the only reason why they wouldn't hire me is because they found someone else who actually has more recent work experience. other than that- i honestly don't see any reason for them not to hire me for the job.
i was thinking and i'm positive that amanda was just tricked into taking my grandma's place at being the advocate for me. my grandma probably told her that she'd just be supporting me how my grandma supported my mom. a few problems with that. my mom's situation is MUCH different than mine. she was born DISABLED- i was not. so her injury is more severe because it's CONGENITAL. i AM able to rehabilitate my brain injury because i was NOT born with a brain injury. ASK ANY FUCKIN NEUROLOGIST YOU WANT. i was an HONORS student in school- I GRADUATED WITH HONORS. i can bet you any money that my mom did not graduate with honors. i had intended on going to college a half day and high schoool a half day since i PASSED the tests and had the grades to- i had planned on being a psychologist. and don't try to get excited now that you found out that information to all of a sudden be encouraging and like you supported me all along and also tell me that "i can still be anything you {I} want!" i've heard that shit before. you'll stick to the blind support and tell me i "GOT THIS!".. by "this" you mean whatever's more convenient for YOU and since i wanna do more than just live off the government allowing them to limit what i buy, you can claim you were supportive to me the whole time once i actually get somewhere elsewhere besides where i started in some subsidized shithole in burnsville which my grandma only chose because it was better than nothing at the time- I AM BETTER THAN "IT'S BETTER THAN NOTHIN."! the only reason why my grandma didn't help me move to new york herself is because she knew she was getting old and NAIVE and she didn't trust herself to make wise decisions in helping her own granddaughter to find a SAFE, NICE apartment to live in another state which she really didn't know. i figured out that my psychologist had came to the CORRECT judgment when she said that i wanted to leave this state and live in another state because it'd get me away from my own mother- who i never REALLY lived with before the car accident i was in. she said that my brain probably told me that it wasn't safe to be around my mom, since she risked my own good when i was younger and she put me in front of her while being kicked and beat on the last time i seen my dad. she risked her own daughter's body to protect HERSELF. if this isn't narcissistic.. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS. any CARING parent would have tried to get their child to a SAFE environment if and when their father was angry and (i'm assuming) drunk. "OH STACY IS JUST MAKING THIS UP TO GET ATTENTION!".. so the PERFORATED BOWEL i had a few years after being accidentally kicked by my dad is just fake or "made up" too? and my bowel was recently blocked by my intestines because of.. hm.. magic? the reoccurring dreams about my mom having me in her arms while my dad was kicking and beating on her is just made up too? the last stage to this cycle of having bowel problems is to be hooked up to a COLOSTOMY BAG! ROCK ON! BECAUSE MY PARENTS ARE/WERE A BUNCH OF SELFISH FUCKS! so needless to say- i'm pretty sure my psychologist was on to something when she said that my conscience/brain wanted to work to get me as FAR away from DANGEROUS, CARELESS people.. so i've always wanted to move in ANOTHER LOCATION. IF amanda and/or my other family doesn't support me in this.. THEY'RE NOT REALLY SUPPORTING MY OWN GOOD. they're all being careless, self-serving jackasses who seem to think it'll be more work for them if i were to move away.. YOU DON'T FUCKIN SUPPORT ME NOW BEING IN THE SAME STATE AS YOU. I'M SURE THERE'S GOTTA BE NOTES ABOUT NO ONE ANSWERING THE PHONE THE LAST TIME I WENT TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM AND I CALLED YOU GUYS TO NO ANSWER! "what about your family?" when people ask me why i wanna move to new york.. i should say, "THAT'S PROBABLY THE BIGGEST REASON WHY I DO WANNA MOVE!". i'm not really sure why my mom feels the need to whine to people about how she "misses" me (i have a suspicion she used to do this more.. probably for ATTENTION, like everything else the idiot does).. is she really out to make me unhappy? and if so- WHY? i didn't do SHIT to her. i actually have bit my tongue tons of times while talking to her in the past. DON'T START WITH ME. i won't always be able to bite my tongue.. and i WON'T. you have another daughter WITH grandchildren. go ruin their fucking lives. stupid bum.

replacement?

well.. i spoke with my care coordinator about how my arm and shoulder was bothering me still and i wasn't sure i dislocated or moved it wrong. he told me that if i still felt in pain- i could make an appointment. then he said that i shouldn't go to the emergency room because it always takes so long just to be seen. i just got done brushing my teeth and i decided to do the exercises the physical therapist gave me after my last surgery since i AM scheduled for an evaluation with physical therapy on the 31st i think of this month. i just sat down at my computer desk and tried lifting my arm (which was usually in pain- i even took 2 tylenol this morning at 6 am because it hurt me when i woke up), i'm able to lift it without much pain.. i don't really wanna try moving it so it gets painful though. so i'm not sure i need the appointment still, so i more than likely won't make it today- however, with my judgment- it'll more than likely start hurting me really bad.
i was just thinking while eating my lunch this morning, how i'm not sure if this new ics worker (the one that tried to lecture me about going to the bathroom with the door open in my own apartment) is the new staff of ics and the other ics workers just work with the other supervisor who's not working here anymore.. i hope not because zen actually helped me with housing in new york and new jersey and boston when he actually was working with me. i don't see her helping me with housing because she's more concerned with threatening to "write" me up like when i called her an idiot last time she worked in my apartment and it seemed like she was trying to insinuate that i shouldn't be working with fredrick because he's a male pca. i get along with male pca's better. they're not as overly-offended as females, so they're typically more laid back. i also think i'm not interested in the typical girly things that the normal female is interested in. my tv pretty much stayed tuned to fresh prince, cartoons, and football now. she's supposedly supposed to be "just cleaning up" right now in my kitchen and i don't hear her moving around. i'm pretty sure she's more concerned with texting someone on her phone. i haven't gotten up to check but that just seems like the usual behavior of female pca's in particular in my experience. i suppose in about 30 minutes i'll get to see if she replaced zen and/or the other ics workers when i have an ics appointment scheduled.