another interview in the books.

i went to my most recent interview at the hotel i just interviewed at and i honestly don't think i said anything wrong except for right when the lady who interviewed me said something about doing things when she's bored and i said, "oh. yeah i try to keep myself busy because i tend to get myself into trouble when i'm bored and not doing anything." then i remembered to myself that i shouldn't make people think i'm crazy or i do bad things. a little more into our conversation i said to her, "oh yeah- and i hope you don't think i'm a trouble maker or a bad person because i said when i'm bored- i get into trouble.." then the lady laughed and said, "i didn't think anything of it. *laughs* you're fine." then we started talking about the tasks front desk workers usually do and i'm positive i can do everything. when it asked on the sheet i had to fill out before the interview what were some examples of what we didn't enjoy working about the previous jobs- i wrote, "they had me do all the easy jobs." i don't know any other way to explain how my previous employers tended to assume i was only capable of doing easy shit. i also wrote how there weren't any people to work with at my previous jobs, so i didn't like it. i know that's the opposite of the professions my grandma was trying to nudge me into working. she seemed to think i should work data entry- i assume so i would become a hermit and not interact with other people who could possibly say mean things? this is the real fucking world. NOT everyone is gonna be nice, don't be a bitch and deal with it.
then i accidentally called the supervisor of the apartment i used to live at previously. she must actually miss me because she asked me if i wanted to join her program again. i don't really understand how anyone could miss me.. but alright. that apartment was nice, the only reason why i left it was because management was bugging me because i signed a lease, so i couldn't formally live there for longer than the lease i signed. i really suppose that i'd actually want to live anywhere they helped me get my driver's license again with a vehicle of my choice i could drive. it seems like the ics from this particular apartment is just obsessed with how many hours they get paid for- so the more goals i have, the more hours they expect to get. the thing is.. they haven't actually helped me complete ANY of my goals because they try to make it seem like it's inconvenient like everyone else in this damn world. i've passed that fucking knowledge test to get my driver's permit at least 5 times in my life. i paid for behind-the-wheel lessons (brian can vouch for me here because it was when he was my trustee and i'm sure if i looked back in my email- i could probably find proof) and the guy said i was safe to drive, i just needed to buy a vehicle to take the behind-the-wheel test. it's like these dicks conveniently NEGLECT EVERYTHING i'm doing in my life to progress to where I want to be just so they hope i lose the ability and/or knowledge. i am honestly at the edge of a cliff with my patience. people WONDER why i wanna move to new york (i'd settle for boston) so bad. THEIR TRANSPORTATION IS MORE AVAILABLE AND ACCESSIBLE THAN THIS SHITHOLE OF A STATE. PEOPLE ARE PURPOSELY KEEPING ME IN THIS DAMN JAR AND NOT LETTING ME GET OUT OF IT- TO THE POINT WHERE I'M SUFFOCATING BUT THAT DOESN'T CONCERN ANYONE. IF PEOPLE WOULD ACTUALLY FUCKING HELP ME BE ABLE TO DO ALL THE THINGS I'M ACTUALLY CAPABLE OF- I WOULDN'T WANT TO MOVE TO AREAS WHERE THOSE THINGS ARE ACTUALLY AVAILABLE BECAUSE I'D BE ABLE TO DO THEM INDEPENDENTLY! *GASP* YA THINK?! my ridiculous supposed excuses of "support" don't give a shit because they're *ALL* NOSEY ENTITLED PRICKS. i shouldn't have to expect joe to help me with everything either.

birthday plans switched because it's not convenient for OTHER people.

i had asked the lady who takes care of my finances if i could take a trip to mexico this year at the beginning of this year but now she tells me that i need to take a trip there NEXT year. her reason was because i just took a trip to boston last year. i wanted to take a trip for my FORTIETH BIRTHDAY to the same place i was born. it's not as significant if i wait for next year. when brian took care of my money, I WAS ABLE TO TAKE A TRIP EVERY YEAR- so don't give me that bullshit. brian ALSO wouldn't complain when i'd contact him.. unlike amy, who told me that she was gonna start charging me for our conversations. AREN'T YOU ALREADY GETTING PAID WITH MY MONEY THE WAY IT IS? i recommend that YOU get a NEW job which will work more with what's more convenient for you- might i suggest burger king or mcdonalds? the job of being my trustee apparently inconveniences you from working helpfully to me. the only thing she has correct so far is the greedy attitude, who conveniently discloses the truth in her own version to accomodate her agenda and needs. this makes me appreciate how brian worked with me as opposed to amy. he's out having the time of his life in chicago more than likely. i can't hate on him for living his life. i just hate on these people trying to PREVENT me from living MY life the way I want (ESPECIALLY family- who should be aware of the shit i've been through just to live MY damn life). amy tried to make it seem as if i was spending a lot of money, so we'll have to save for next year to take a trip. i barely spend any money. COULD IT BE SOMEONE ELSE BUYING HAIR PRODUCTS WITH MY MONEY FOR HER SALON? one day a while ago when i was looking at the expenses of my trust- i seen paul mitchell products and other hair products on my listing of expenses- I DON'T USE HAIR SALON PRODUCTS ON MY HAIR. i went to brian and asked him about it, from then on- i didn't see anymore. amy is probably buying products for the salon amanda works at on MY WALLET. THIS MONEY IS SUPPOSED TO LAST A LIFETIME AND I DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER FUCKING WAY OF GETTING MONEY RIGHT NOW. WAS AMANDA OR AMY IN THE CAR WITH ME WHEN TIM WAS DRIVING DRUNK? DID THEY HAVE TO LIE SIX MONTHS IN A DAMN COMA? DID THEY HAVE TO SIT IN A DAMN ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIR FOR AT LEAST 15 YEARS BECAUSE IT WASN'T CONVENIENT FOR EVERYONE ELSE FOR THEM TO WALK? that's what i thought. the day ANYONE can TRUTHFULLY say they went through even half the shit i have in life- MAYBE WHAT THEY SAY WILL ACTUALLY FUCKIN MATTER. if your salon is so good- you shouldn't need to steal from your own damn family to pay for the products which help to keep it running. the interview that i was supposed to have on friday changed days, so i at least have a little more time to prepare for it. i'm still going to an interview today later.

why aren't you doing your job?

i never asked zen exactly WHY he didn't think it was a "good idea" to assist me with finding a vehicle. why? because i'd ACTUALLY make you do your job, so i wouldn't require a ride from you or some other pca/ics worker anymore? or is it because your hours are cut along with fredrick's in order for me to display my independence- so i don't need as much assistance to live independently? he never told me EXACTLY why, so i'm basically allowed to assume anything. he just better hope that what i do with that assumption doesn't prevent him from stealing money from me by lying that my ics is ACTUALLY HELPING me progress with MY goals. i'm smarter than he or anyone else assumes. i know i remember reading in the 48 laws of power that a person is supposed to just let people think what they want and underestimate me- which EVERYONE and their mom does. so i shouldn't really have a problem with this and everyone thinks i'm crazy anyway to believe me when i say i'm not stupid. just by JUDGING WHERE I CAME FROM. people can't deny this shit because i know that's why amanda has in her mind i've got something mentally disabled with me going on. don't try to make yourself look better by taking your insecurities out on me, thinking if i look stupid- that'll make you look smart.

looks like a busy day tomorrow!

i forgot to mention that zen applied me to several apartments in boston housing when he was here. although, he DID seem to be pretty discouraging- so that may have added to why i seemed so frustrated last post. then i think about some apartment that i DID tour when i went to boston and they gave me an application number in the 60's and i think about what the number was a few months when i checked and i'm pretty sure it was 500 something. zen claimed that it'd probably take around 2 years for the apartment to be available and i'm really doubting that. he's probably just being a negative nancy so i don't get disappointed since it's taking so long.
at sabathani today i answered the phone and there was a guy who called me asking if sabathani had any intepreters, i said, "uh.. what language?" then the guy said, "spanish." then i said, "well.. i'm learning spanish now.. so i'm not completely sure i'll be able to understand everything you say but i can do my best to improvise.." then he told me google told him that sabathani helps with rental assistance resources and if i could connect him to someone who will be able to help him. i connected him to the guy who helps with homeless prevention. i hope he got the help he called for.
i also scheduled an interview with a hotel on wednesday at 3.. and another hotel just asked to have an interview with me from 1:30-2 this friday. i feel like i may have been referred to the hotel that i'm interviewing on wednesday by the lady i just interviewed with last week because i remember her name and i'm pretty sure i remember her asking me if i'd be open to work at the hotel that scheduled the interview with me today on wednesday because she was trying to see if she could find a position for me at the hotel i interviewed at last week and then just suggested that i work at this particular hotel that scheduled an interview with me on wednesday. i was just thinking about how my grandma had been so discouraging to working receptionist jobs. she always tried to get in my mind that working a data entry job would be the wisest choice for me. i was thinking about that lately and i'm sure it's because she was such a damn nervous person who worried about if i'd make mistakes conversing with other people and if i'd say something wrong that would get me fired, so i'd feel like a failure or some shit- i'm not exactly sure of the bullshit that nervous people think all the time.. it just doesn't interest me either to try to understand. i say that she was discouraging about the receptionist job because i remember whenever i'd tell her that i seen a receptionist job that was interesting, i remember her saying, "well.. you'd have to deal with RUDE people with attitudes and you don't really wanna do that now, do you? no.." she was a bit over-protective and slightly controlling even when it came to me working a job. which is probably the reason why she never really seen me working much of an ACTUAL job when she was alive. i'm pretty sure she was alive to see me working the job at pc's for people but other than that- she didn't know how to encourage me in the way i needed to be encouraged and supported and she was aware of this which is why i went to courage kenny for most of the time she was alive.. i always stressed my frustration with them not ACTUALLY assisting me so i progressed which is why she found tram holloway who ACTUALLY got me ambulatory with his ARP therapy. THAT'S REALLY HOW I BECAME AMBULATORY IN MY LIFE AND ACTUALLY WORKING. AMANDA ASSUMES THAT COURAGE KENNY DID ALL THIS SHIT BECAUSE SHE ASSUMES I'M MENTALLY DISABLED AND I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE HOW MUCH THEY HELPED ME! EASY TO SAY AND THINK WHEN YOU NEVER FUCKING SPOKE TO ME OR SEEN ME EXERCISING IN REHABILITATION EVER TO EVEN KNOW THAT I DID IT (OTHER THAN THE OLD ASS CELL PHONE VIDEOS TAKEN AT LEAST 15 OR SO YEARS AGO WHEN MY GRANDMA WAS ACTUALLY ALIVE). IT MAY HAVE WORKED FOR ME BACK THEN BUT THINGS CHANGE! *GASP* I WORKED MY ASS OFF SO I COULD LIVE INDEPENDENTLY AND HAPPY IN ANOTHER STATE.. NOT THIS UNOPPORTUNISTIC STATE. IT TOOK ME OVER 20 DAMN YEARS TO GET WORKING AN ACTUAL JOB TO BE USEFUL TO THIS ECONOMY JUST BECAUSE I LIVE IN THIS STATE WITHOUT MANY OPPORTUNITIES FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME. I'M NOT SURE IF I SHOULD BLAME MY GRANDMA FOR KEEPING ME IN HER COMFORT BUBBLE OR THE STUPID STATE ITSELF. i just hope these interviews go well tomorrow because i'm mentally kicking my own ass for being so inactive. i feel like a damn failure. something amanda and probably anyone else couldn't really relate with. the more constructive and busy i am- THE BETTER I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF! *GASP* courage kenny doesn't help shit with my damn future either.. i tried telling past employers at my previous interviews that i attended courage kenny in the time i wasn't working and that didn't interest them in hiring me. how do i know that you ask? BECAUSE I STAYED UNEMPLOYED UNTIL I ACTUALLY GOT OUT AND HELPED WITH PHILANDO'S MEMORIAL- WHICH I DID BECAUSE I WANTED TO. NOT BECAUSE STUPID COURAGE KENNY WANTED ME TO- I HADN'T WENT TO THAT SHITHOLE IN AT LEAST 5 YEARS I THINK, SO DON'T EVEN TRY TO BRING THAT BULLSHIT UP. i just hope someone actually realizes all the hard work i've done- NOT TO MAKE ME LIVE IN AN INOPPORTUNE RACIST ASS STATE LIKE MINNESOTA. JUST because shit works for YOU here, does NOT mean that it works for EVERYONE ELSE. i still remember crying to my grandma when i was younger because some kid called me a "nigger".. THAT'S THE KINDA SHIT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH. DON'T START TO SAY THAT YOU CAN FUCKING RELATE OR HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON WITH ME BECAUSE YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T. LET THE ADULTS DEAL WITH THIS!

THANKS for NOTHING and deliberately refusing not to help me do something you're being PAID to assist with.

today when zen called me, he asked me what i wanted to work on in ics.. i looked at the schedule on my computer desk because i write things i wanna work on in ics so i don't forget them. i said, "i wanna look at vehicles to buy so i can practice driving and i wanna look at more boston housing." then he replied on the phone, "uhh.. well, i don't know about the first thing but we can look at boston housing!" completely DISREGARDING my request for help looking at vehicles.. so i just said, "ok." then hung up the phone. a person makes ONE fucking mistake in their lives and they're fucked for life. it's NOT like I was driving the fucking vehicle drunk in my car accident- no.. the driver who WAS driving drunk HAS his fucking driver's license back.. he did at least 10 years ago- probably longer. i shouldn't have worn my damn seatbelt.. then i probably wouldn't have to deal with these issues of people refusing to help me do exactly what i AM capable of doing (since i've paid for behind-the-wheel driving lessons at least twice or three times and passed that damn knowledge test to get my permit at least FIVE fucking times my whole life) BECAUSE I'D BE DEAD. DON'T tell me i fuckin need to take lessons when i've paid for lessons at least two or three fucking times. IF I HAVE TO ASK MY FINANCIAL WORKER FOR PROOF- THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO VOUCH FOR ME HERE- I KNOW BRIAN (my previous trustee) WOULD. you dicks wonder why the fuck i have ptsd.. IT'S BECAUSE PRICKS LIKE YOU INTENTIONALLY MAKING IT DIFFICULT TO PROGRESS WITH MY LIFE BY SAYING I HAVE TO DO SHIT I'VE PROVEN I'VE DONE AT LEAST TWICE OR THREE FUCKING TIMES IN MY LIFE.. AT LEAST. these dicks of ics workers are partly to blame for my ptsd for their half-assed efforts to help me, knowing that if they gave their all to help me accomplish things- i wouldn't require their assistance and they'd have one less person to help.. THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE IN THIS DAMN WORLD WHO NEED ASSISTANCE- WHY AREN'T YOU MORE WILLING TO HELP THEM?! do i just seem easier to take advantage of because of my LACK of advocacy? because whenever i get told i need to do something in order to get my goals accomplished- i always do what i need to. i'm PERSISTENT but i'm not paying for some driving lessons when i've been told i drive safely at least THREE times. they'll see what it's like to be vulnerable and require assistance to do them ONLY at the convenience of the person supposedly "helping" them. i remember zen and the other lead ics worker before him telling me they could help me get a vehicle and get my driver's license again a couple months (or a year maybe) ago.. what changed? they probably see they can take advantage of me since no one obviously listens to me since i'm still in this state. which is ALSO why i wanna move to the east coast because they have more available methods of transportation to get around and people ACTUALLY use them and don't scoff at others for using them. but no.. i'm expected to sit in my fucking apartment every day like a hermit and make the most of it since it's inconvenient for anyone to actually fucking help me get out and do things! it's days like these where i wish i would've died in the car accident i was involved in a little over 24 years ago. but hey! the good thing is you satisfied my family and other people who claim to care about me by making me struggle more!! get fucked.

getting paid for doing NOTHING.. kinda like my family's aspirations for me!

so i believe it was my case manager who i spoke to today about how the ics workers seemed to try to make my scheduled ics visits COINCIDENTALLY at the same time as when i'm at work. later on, the ics workers' manager called me and helped me to make out a schedule which actually works with my schedule (i'm not sure how long this will last but i'll just hope it works out for me).
i also spoke with my psychologist today, expressing my frustration with my family who only seems to care at their own convenience and when it makes them look good (like "caring" or "supportive" family members which i by NO MEANS feel from them AT ALL). she helped me brainstorm some places on the east coast to look into moving to since i have ABSOLUTELY NO interest in staying in minnesota or even the midwest region. i don't think people know or CARE that i'm at the edge of a cliff mental health wise because they don't CARE to understand how i feel like a fucking failure when i'm not actually doing things constructively. SO THAT DOES NOT MEAN BEING UNENCOURAGED TO DO THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL TRULY VALUABLE AND CONSTRUCTIVE IN LIFE- SO I CAN GIVE SOME SHITTY ASS EXCUSE OF A "REHABILITATION" INSTITUTE MONEY. I'M DONE WITH THAT SHIT AND JUST THE FACT THAT YOU CAN'T SEEM TO RECOGNIZE THAT FOR YOUR OWN CONVENIENCE SHOWS ME EXACTLY HOW LITTLE YOU ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT ME. THIS IS MY LIFE. NOT MY ENTITLED ASS MOM'S. NOT AMANDA'S. MINE. just the fact that i have to waste my fucking time explaining this to you guys for the millionth time aggrivates the fuck outta me. i didn't bust my ass in rehabilitation and arp therapy so i could sit in a damn wheelchair and go mindlessly to courage kenny, while depending on social security because that's just easier and more convenient for my family who only shows concern for me when it's convenient and/or beneficial to THEM (except joe). the thought of how my grandpa called all the grandchildren and his children in the room when he was barely able to still communicate with us just came to mind (he died of ALS). i remember him telling me not to listen to what anyone says to me and to always go for my goals came to mind. i only really feel support from his relatives now that i really think about it. joe is my grandpa's nephew and he always tells me to go for my dreams. he's NOT just concerned about what's convenient for himself or what makes him look good or "caring" and "supportive". you dicks should just stick to being the selfish asses you are and stop acting like you "care" when you're not fooling anyone and you're just wasting your (and more importantly- MY) time. i suppose that may be the point of this shit. afterall- you all are selfish, unempathetic twits (not joe or jay). i'm not sure why you all don't mind your fucking business because you OBVIOUSLY don't care about what's good for me- trying to force me to go back into a wheelchair and give some pathetic excuse of a rehab. facility money for not actually helping me with my goals- thus, making me into a mindless vulnerable pawn. if you wanna see someone waste their fuckin time that much- YOU go there in an electric wheelchair (after quitting your jobs and getting on social security of course). experience how it feels and how people talk about you, mocking your efforts to be a truly valuable piece to this society. certain entitled people are scoffing at this right now, i guarantee. the day YOU walk a mile in MY shoes is the day i actually listen to you. so take your pointless efforts and devote them to something else that actually makes sense.

avoiding accountability leads to no communication on my end. i'm not sure wtf you expect.

to further explain my frustration with how things are going for me- in case you conveniently forgot when i said i would MUCH rather be volunteering at sabathani.. they actually allow me to show my ability and capability by working the phones and the desk. i ACTUALLY feel CONSTRUCTIVE like i'm doing something that matters as opposed to hauling myself to courage kenny (where they DISCOURAGE me from walking because then i won't need their useless assistance doing NOTHING but putting me on some machine that i push and pull my feet on some pedals while moving my arms forward and backward SOMEHOW helping me accomplish my goals i made them aware of (walking again and getting my drivers license again). I'M THE PERFECT CLIENT THEY CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF AND KEEP ME GOING MINDLESSLY TO THEIR SAD EXCUSE OF A REHABILITATION "FACILITY" THOUGH! I LACK ADVOCACY AND EVERYONE THINKS I'M CRAZY!.. because that seems to be easier than ACTUALLY assisting me with my goals that i've had for over twenty years. my shitty excuse of advocacy are selfish and naive- my grandma CLAIMED every damn night for the last two or three years of her life that my cousin amanda would "get you {me} to new york and she's told me ALL these plans to help you get your driver's license along with a vehicle again!" MY GRANDMA HAS BEEN DEAD SINCE AUGUST OF 2015. I HIGHLY DOUBT HER LAME EXCUSE OF A "SAVIOR" IS GONNA HELP ME DO SHIT. i just hope that amanda experiences this level of the lack of support i'm receiving from her whenever she needs help with advocacy (she might be so entitled to scoff at the idea of her requiring assistance in her life but as my grandma used to say, what goes around, comes around). would SHE HONESTLY rather sit in a fuckin wheelchair and go MINDLESSLY to some rehabilitation facility which ONLY allows her to go on ONE exercise machine which my living room wall could operate (pushing her feet back and forth while pushing and pulling bars at the same time) when she is capable of doing MORE while having supposed "friends" and caring family members encourage her, also MOCK HER BEHIND HER BACK for going to these rehab. institutes, and to go to some stupid ass rehabilitation institute that EVEN my GRANDMA PROMISED me i wouldn't have to return to after she died because "AMANDA WILL HAVE YOU {ME} IN NEW YORK WHEN I DIE!" nearly ten fuckin years later and i'm still a damn minnesotan. she didn't know any alternatives to keep me constructive (like i said- my grandma was naive when it came to "helping" me in the way i needed to be helped in order to get MY goals completed.. after all- she DID assume amanda would take her place and actually assist me to get to where I want to live- that says enough right there). "YOU GOT THIS!" is ALL the help or encouragement i get from her when i call her.. it's like pushing a person in a raft without a paddle, oar, or anything else to propel the boat in a river, then screaming at them, "YOU GOT THIS!" and expecting them to actually make their way to their desired destination. i'll try ANYTHING just to stay constructive (except for regressing my rehabilitation just to continue giving some lame rehab. institute money to help me when they don't help me in the way I want). when a CARING and RESPONSIBLE person has kids- they don't just assume they should make mini-me's. i get the feeling that my mom is just trying to take advantage of how i was injured in a car accident and disabled just like how my grandma convinced her that she was disabled- so she didn't have to do anything with her life!.. grandma tried convincing me of the same shit but i asked her about what happens if things get more expensive and the economy isn't doing as well.. she gave up because she didn't have any rational responses to my question. when a person has a child- they should encourage them to do what they truly want to do (if it's healthy and nothing about my goals are unhealthy) the best they can and offer them assistance.. not my mom.. it's easier to encourage them to be mini-me's! she doesn't care about my brother as much as she claims she cares about her daughters- so she just allows him to do what he wants and my sister would probably beat her ass if she tried to make her do something.. then there's me- her daughter who she can claim she has things in common with since she's got a traumatic brain injury! *claps* so now i'm expected to just GIVE UP everything i've busted my ass to get in life, so i can appear like a mentally disabled vulnerable adult, so amanda and the rest of my family (except joe- he ACTUALLY makes an effort to show he actually cares) can appear "caring" and "loving" and other feelings they clearly lack. i know i'm wasting my time expressing my frustration because NO ONE cares to actually help me in the way which would make me more constructive in my life. how would they like to be forced to do something when they know they're capable of doing MORE with their time? they wouldn't and they should stop acting like they actually care to make things different and more satisfying for me since this IS MY life. IN THE END- I AM THE ONE WHO WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY DECISIONS. NOT MY MOM. NOT AMANDA. ME. SO BUZZ THE FUCK OFF IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA ENCOURAGE AND SUPPORT ME TO DO THE THINGS I WANT FOR MY LIFE. i'll point out the fact that my mom has another daughter WITH children (so she has grandchildren) she can focus on. you're not doing anything but annoying the fuck outta me. your numbers stay on block. i'm annoyed with your false image of "care" towards me. you obviously just care that it APPEARS you care than ACTUALLY caring about me. tell me.. were you THIS concerned about me when you put me in front of my dad when he was kicking you? didn't think so. i guess when you have kids, you can SELECTIVELY care about them.. well- i SELECT not to communicate or associate with you.. not until you can actually take accountability for the health problems i've had in account of YOU. EVEN the man who nearly killed me took accountability for nearly killing me when he was drinking and driving. HE'S NOT EVEN RELATED TO ME. UNLIKE YOU WHO ACTUALLY GAVE BIRTH TO ME. you never even apologized and/or brought up putting me in front of my dad while he was kicking you.. i just put it all together with memories of my grandma mentioning how you had me in your arms while my dad and you were arguing around the time of my FIRST PERFORRATED BOWEL SURGERY and she claimed you turned away while he was kicking you and he ACCIDENTALLY kicked me.. reminscing dreams around the last surgery on my bowel when it was blocked. like God was trying to tell me the reason for my surgery. i went home after the surgery and searched "how do bowels get blocked?" on google and it told me they get blocked if a person turns too much sometimes (considering i was sitting at my computer, not turning or moving when i first felt the pain in my bowel which resembled a baby kicking... considering i hadn't had sex in at least two or three weeks when i felt the pain- that pretty much eliminated the possibility of pregnancy pain) and then it said a bowel can get blocked from trauma inflicted on the bowel.. i thought back to when my grandma claimed my dad kicked me on accident because my mom had turned away from him and that gave me the answer right there. my mom has NEVER brought this up to me in my whole life (she's probably ashamed of herself and afraid of my reactions after she tells me about how my dad was kicking at her and accidentally kicked me instead). WHEN A PERSON IS BEING KICKED BY ANOTHER PERSON AND THEY HAVE THEIR CHILD IN THEIR ARMS- WOULDN'T THE MOST SENSIBLE THING BE TO PROTECT YOUR BABY?! NOT MY NARCISSISTIC ASS MOM. JUST USE THEIR BABY AS A SHIELD! THEY'RE FAT BABIES ANYWAY AND THEY'RE YOUNG AND STUPID! THEY'LL FORGET ABOUT MY CARELESS ACTIONS!.. i've had to go through too much damn pain on account of you. you wonder why the hell i ran away.. do you think it could've been to get away from my careless, selfish mom?! IT'S PRETTY FUCKIN SAD THAT EVEN THE MAN WHO NEARLY KILLED ME CAN TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS AND MY OWN DAMN MOM FEELS SOME KIND OF ENTITLEMENT TO NOT HAVE TO APOLOGIZE OR EVEN RECOGNIZE THE SHIT SHE PUT ME THROUGH. EITHER HE'S A MORE INTELLIGENT PERSON AND MORE CARING BECAUSE EMPATHY REQUIRES INTELLECT. OR MY MOM JUST DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK. tim is pretty smart and it's nice knowing he's caring but it's kinda sad that he shows more care for me than my own damn mom. she seems to think she's allowed to appear "caring" whenever it's convenient and/or beneficial for herself though! just stop trying. you tire me. i'm just irritated that people view you as a "caring parent"- which i'm positive that jay can back me on this argument. you just like to appear "caring"- you're a selfish, nosey, entitled person who just expects everything to revolve around her. the number stays on block. i don't have time for your selfish ass anymore. go pretend to care about amy and all 50 of her kids.

reason for desire of departure?

i just showed the ics worker my toe when we had our ics session. he said that i should wrap it and keep it elevated- which i told him my cousin joe told me to do also. then we checked my champs status. i didn't know i've been registered since 2022- so HOPEFULLY that increases my chances in getting housing sooner. i think it has me registered for 11 housing programs. i was thinking about when i decided i wanted to move to new york.. it must've been around the time i was 15. so that's NEARLY TWENTY FIVE YEARS. oh.. but i suppose YOU'D KNOW THAT IF you care about me enough to think you can make ANY influence on where i live in my life. i've always had the desire to move OUT of state. NOTHING and NO ONE has tempted me to remain in a place that hasn't ever really offered me any opportunities to be truly satisfied and/or successful. i've never felt anything appealing about living in this state. the racist crimes aren't fuckin helping anything either. maybe it'd help if certain people wouldn't have ignorantly voted for the racist piece of shit in the white house right now. you're just making shit more difficult for yourself not helping me the way I want to be helped. IF YOU HAD ANY FUCKING RESPECT AND CARE- YOU'D REALIZE THAT. you'd also realize i'm NOT the kind of person to just do what other people are doing just because that keeps the peace. never have and NEVER will. i realize that if i do that shit- it's gonna eventually take a toll on me.. either my body and/or mental health. THAT'S OKAY TO AMANDA THOUGH! NOBODY LISTENS TO STACY ANYWAY! AT LEAST SHE'LL BE GONE SO SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO BOTHER ME ANYMORE! RIGHT?! that's the impression i get from this lousy excuse of "support" i receive from my family. THEN YOU DICKS CAN GET ALL THE FUCKIN SYMPATHY YOU WANT WHEN I DIE! RIGHT MOM?! YOU'LL GET ALL THE DAMN ATTENTION YOU WANT FOR A DAUGHTER YOU ONLY PAID ATTENTION TO FOR YOUR OWN BENEFIT AND CONVENIENCE.. OH AND I FORGOT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO YOU- THE ATTENTION YOU'LL RECEIVE FOR SUPPOSEDLY "CARING" ABOUT ME! (when i know DAMN WELL the ONLY reason you ever took care of me when i was wheelchair bound was because my grandma threatened you every time you wouldn't- i remember hearing her do it). I KNOW I'M USELESS TO YOU SINCE I DON'T SERVE AS A SHIELD TO YOU WHEN DAD IS KICKIN YOUR ASS. so take your fake ass along with every other family member who just feels like they can care about me at their own convenience and STICK IT. i don't have time for you or amanda. you're just weights on my progression in life. selfish dicks.

*GASP* i'm *NOT* a mindless pathetic-excuse-of-a-rehabilitation "center"'s TOOL!

and just to make sure certain people who really aren't helping me but are trying to make it look like they are by encouraging me to go BACK in my rehabilitation progress- i wanna make sure that people know that i would MUCH RATHER be volunteering at sabathani community center rather than hauling my ass mindlessly to some sad excuse of a "rehabilitation institute" just so my family members who really don't give a damn about what I want can look encouraging and supportive of me just going on some stupid fucking machines that my living room wall could operate and be paid for it because that's where my kewliez cousin's in-law works and she'll be enabled to pay attention to me at her OWN CONVENIENCE. when a person who is obviously trying to walk again goes to therapy- they have different stages. i've already done those stupid machines in courage kenny that a person sits in and pushes their feet back and forth while holding onto some bars and pushing and pulling them at the same time. after about 2 or 3 times a week- monday, wednesday, and friday for every week for about 3 or 4 years- IT GETS SICKENING. YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T HAVE EMPATHY IF YOU EXPECT A PERSON TO DO THIS SHIT DURING THAT TIME AND STILL FEEL MOTIVATED TO DO THAT SHIT- WHILE HAVING THE SAME RIDICULOUS EXCUSE OF A REHAB. INSTITUTE FAIL YOU THREE TIMES WHEN YOU TAKE THE BEHIND-THE-WHEEL TEST TO GET YOUR LICENSE AGAIN. THEY HAD KNOWLEDGE THAT WAS ONE OF MY GOALS IN THERAPY AND THEY'RE JUST TAKING ADVANTAGE OF IT BECAUSE EVERY DAMN TIME I'VE TAKEN THE BEHIND-THE-WHEEL TEST AT COURAGE KENNY- THEY ALWAYS CLAIM I NEED "MORE THERAPY". i know of people who CAN'T walk and courage kenny STILL managed to give them their LICENSE.. why's that you ask? BECAUSE THEY ACTUALLY HAVE ADVOCACY THAT PREVENTS COURAGE KENNY FROM LYING AND CLAIMING THEY NEED "MORE THERAPY" EVERY TIME THEY TAKE THE DRIVING TEST- COURAGE KENNY IS ABLE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY LACK OF ADVOCACY AND CARE! i refuse to go back to that fuckin joke of a rehabilitation institute. my grandma LIED and said amanda would advocate for me to get my license again (along with get me to new york). it's just not convenient for amanda to do what she CLAIMED to her aunt she'd do. i usually said that my grandma will deal with you in heaven but i'm really not sure you're going to the same place she went- just judging by your neglect and careless attitude towards me along with your political views which DO affect the values you have. so good luck. you have something less to do! you're not keeping me ANYWHERE I don't wanna be. no matter how much my careless, selfish mother wants me to be at because YOU CAN'T JUST PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR DAUGHTER WHEN IT'S BENEFICIAL AND CONVENIENT FOR YOU. you NEVER seemed to give a shit that i wanted to move to new york when grandma was alive and when you'd leave me at your apartment ALONE while i was still paraplegic and while you went to the bar to go play pool with your little boyfriend carlos. WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT ATTITUDE? just because you can't fuckin do anything with your own life- doesn't mean I have to live a life that YOU would've always wanted to live. you're definitely not interested in the same things i am. haven't you and amanda done ENOUGH damage to me? i've had to have at least TWO surgeries on my bowel on account of your selfish fuckin ass, mom. amanda just condones this abuse.. so i know she ain't going where my grandma is after she's gone.
my ics worker assisted me in looking for vehicles online today since i need a vehicle to practice driving before i take my behind-the-wheel test. i found one or two so far- they just need to message me back if they're still available. i have a few more months until i need to get my permit renewed and i'm hoping to be able to take my behind-the-wheel test for my license around that time.

stubbed toe

man.. when i got up (i think), i stubbed my damn toe and i'm not sure if it's broke, sprained, or just dislocated because it STILL hurts and it feels like the toe is bent upwards when i walk on my right foot- which actually weakens my leg. so i have to try to use my cane all the time but it still hurts. the nurse came to fill my anodyne machine today and i completely forgot to tell her about injuring my toe because i was concentrating on my online spanish lesson at the same time as she was filling my anodyne machine.
i think back when i wrote about how people more than likely only read my blog to see the kinda shit i have to go through and they seem to be interested in that more than my posts telling about good things happening to me. i'm sorry i can't entertain you unaccomplished losers with more shit. you're just gonna have to ACTUALLY do SOMETHING with your lives! i think back to a conversation i had with my grandma where she tried to convince me that i'd never have to work again since i got injured and i should go buy whatever i wanted. part of me stepped back and asked her, "what if the economy starts going bad?.." then she tried to condone herself by reassuring me, "OH IT WON'T!".. she was obviously old and naive- she had too much confidence in the economy. i'm pretty sure she convinced my mom of this same shit because my mom seems to spend her money that she inherited (i'm not even sure she has any left) from when my grandma died frivolously. just judging by what joe told me anyway a long time ago. so- with that said, my dad had to have been more financially conscience than my mom. i must've got my attitude on spending from him. i also remember my grandpa always strictly budgeting- so it might have skipped a generation and just stuck with me and my brother (because my brother seems to be pretty tight with his money also). so i'm not sure where the hell my mom thinks money comes from but i'm almost positive that she can't be doing well financially. don't look at me to bail you out- i'm also on social security with a volunteer job to keep me occupied. i should check with jay if you come to him for money- which i'm sure you do. you can steal from him AND then expect him to give you money? heh. OKAY. i'm sure you know i'd tell you where to go if you asked me after stealing money from me. some day.. hopefully soon and not so bluntly (you better hope not because I COULD CARE LESS) you'll find out that money doesn't grow on trees. well technically it does but it's not that available. i remember grandma telling me how she threatened you never to steal from me (since you seem to think you can steal from jay). i don't borrow money to family. you also would probably be jailed for stealing from me since i have other people handling my money since i AM a vulnerable adult. at least she's smart enough not to have attempted to steal from me yet. i wouldn't go easy on you either JUST because you're my mom- IF that would have mattered- you would've never stole from your own kid.

glad i'm not disappointing my dead "loved" ones.

it takes a pretty fuckin shitty ass person to lie to their own aunts and tell them they're going to do something when they die and assume they can just deny they told their aunt they'd do something and call the person that they were supposed to help with something in their lives "crazy". i'd rather kill myself than depend on government assistance and be unemployed my whole life- depending solely on social security my whole life. they're honestly everything i BUST MY ASS OFF NOT TO BE LIKE. everytime i look in the mirror, i honestly say to myself, "ugh. i hate her." and i'm NOT referring to "her" as MYSELF. that is HONESTLY the amount of anger i have towards her and i even angrily muttered to myself how i wish i had different dna. use your minds to figure it out, you might get it.. although i'm not sure if you will because you assumed i'd just be cool after taking after her to make YOUR fucking lives easier and more convenient. if you had ANY intelligence- you'd put yourself in MY shoes before making anymore of your stupid assumptions about MY life before you make anymore lazy ass, careless assumptions. i was correct about the judgment looking at my blog stats- people just anxiously look at this in hopes to see suffering and failure. i have another journal i write that shit in and it's NOT viewable online because *gasp* i AM smarter than to just bury myself in misery. so if you dicks seem to think THIS blog is bad- my journal will make your stupid asses cry. maybe if you actually got something to do with your OWN lives and didn't just worry about my own for entertainment- you'd be further in life.. besides working some shitty ass job while your husband rakes in all the cash or merely depending on social security, talking to your dogs, and having a boyfriend who either physically or verbally abuses you and calling it "love" because you can't find any decent, respectful man to be attracted to you. family members just condone this abuse and neglect because they assume it's more "convenient" for them because it seemed to work for my grandma. my family (other than joe) is the least empathetic people in the whole world and.. it takes intelligence in order to be "empathetic". so that should say enough about my situation i'm trapped in. i feel like amanda and my mom are just waiting for me to kill myself outta frustration because they seem so damn careless about what I TRULY WANT for MY life. my previous care coordinator used to dismiss all my blog posts about killing myself because she said i was "all talk" and no action. that particular care coordinator had a son who killed himself. it's mean to say that i understand why he killed himself with support like that. she probably said the SAME thing about her son and he proved her wrong. so those are just some things to think about. if you think about the crazy shit i've done in my life- i honestly wouldn't put anything past me. i may be crazy but i'm NOT stupid enough to believe i can just live the rest of my life comfortably on depending MERELY on social security. if you think that shit is possible- YOU surrender YOUR job and depend solely on government assistance. you can't fucking do it, so you shouldn't encourage people who have MORE potential than to live off government assistance JUST for YOUR fucking convenience because you're an unempathetic, entitled lying jackass.
at sabathani today, i had to tell some of the people that called that sabathani was gonna be closed after 5 pm and on friday and saturday because it was so cold. the thought of slipping my long underwear on before i went to work today crossed my mind but i'm not really sure where fredrick put them in my dresser.
something just crossed my mind, i remember probably the last time my grandpa said anything to me and he told me not to listen to anyone, i could do anything i put my mind to. SO AT LEAST I KNOW I'M NOT DISAPPOINTING ANY OF MY LOVED ONES WHO ARE DECEASED.. unlike other certain neices. my grandma used to remind me of what my grandpa said when she was still alive. so i can at least see where my persistance came from. i may be crazy but i'm NOT stupid.

ANOTHER POST TO SATISFY THE READERS!

this alone tells me enough about the supposed excuse of "support" i'm expected to receive. i didn't get much traffic yesterday, telling about how my interview went well but i always seem to get MORE traffic when shitty things happen to me and i mention them on my blog. people are anxious to see shit happen for me. i guess mentioning today how i fell while trying to pick up a med cup that fell on the floor and banged the side of my head on the floor will satisfy you all. now, i have a big bump forming above my eye and there's a small cut on it. i'm still going to sabathani though because that seems to be the only place where i get relief. the fact that i get more traffic when shit happens to me irritates the living fuck outta me- it honestly shows how people only supposedly CARE enough to see shit happen to me but GOD FORBID THEY MAKE AN EFFORT TO SEE HOW THEY CAN HELP (AND I DON'T MEAN HELP THEMSELVES- WHICH SEEMS TO BE THE ONLY MOTIVE FOR MY SELFISH ASS FAMILY SINCE THEY FEEL LIKE THEY CAN'T MAKE SHIT HAPPEN FOR THEMSELVES- SO TRY TO STEAL FROM THE ONLY FAMILY MEMBER WHO'S REALLY TRYING TO DO SOMETHING WITH THEIR LIVES BUT IS STILL STRUGGLING). OF COURSE- THEY'RE STRUGGLING BECAUSE THEY'RE CRAZY FOR WANTING TO MAKE AN ACTUAL LIFE FOR THEMSELVES WHILE NOT CONFORMING TO WHAT EVERYONE ELSE WHO IS DISABLED AND VULNERABLE ARE DOING! RIGHT AMANDA? HOW STUPID AND FOOLISH! this is another big reason why my grandma picked the wrong person to take her place.. the person she picked just does what's convenient for her and what looks good to everyone else (but me, the person who she's supposed to be helping)- THAT'S OKAY THOUGH! STACY IS STUPID AND SHE'LL EVENTUALLY SEE IT'S BETTER TO JUST BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! RIGHT AMANDA?! GOTTA LAUGH ABOUT THIS WITH DUSTIN!! and people probably doubt my ptsd diagnosis.. they shouldn't after seeing everything i'm expected to deal with like a completely safe healthy person. i've more than likely went through the same amount of trauma that the normal soldier of war has went through and i still can't get the help which would be TRULY helpful- why? BECAUSE IT'S NOT CONVENIENT FOR THE SUPPOSED RIDICULOUS EXCUSE OF "SUPPORT" I HAVE! WHY DON'T I JUST LAY DOWN AND LET EVERYONE DO EVERYTHING FOR ME LIKE A DISABLED PERSON IS SUPPOSED TO DO?! BECAUSE I HAVE PERSISTENCE AND RESPECT FOR MYSELF NOT TO JUST GIVE UP EVERYTHING I BUSTED MY ASS FOR. HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU FEEL?