was she naive or just care LESS and completely selfish? thanks for making me question my grandma, amanda!

my grandma was wrong AGAIN. i've been using my CPAP and i remember how she used to always rave about how she wanted me to get a CPAP because it helped her sleep so well and i wouldn't be as tired anymore. i wear the CPAP when i can't fall asleep and i need to wake up for an appointment in the morning (which is frequent), i don't use my CPAP all the time particularly because the stupid thing causes my nose to turn red.. i've told the people at the sleep store about how it makes my nose red and they switched the mask i have on the CPAP, yet it STILL causes my nose to turn red. i wore it last night because i had TWO job interviews today and i wanted as much rest as possible for the interviews.. the fucker didn't help me fall asleep- so after about 30-45 minutes, i threw the mask off and just fell asleep naturally i think within 15 minutes or so. the cpap is just one of the things my grandma lied to me in life so far, she used to always say, "WHEN I DIE- AMANDA WILL GET YOU LIVING IN NEW YORK! she knows the game plan and she has so many plans for you like helping you get your driver's license and a vehicle you can drive!".. if amanda's defense to why she hasn't helped me is because i won't go back to courage kenny- I'VE WENT BACK TO THAT DAMN WASTE OF SPACE THREE OR FOUR TIMES WITH HOPES I GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE BACK AGAIN AND I EVEN TOLD THEM THAT I WANTED TO GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE AGAIN WHEN I FIRST STARTED GOING THERE IN MY "GOALS" BOOK I MADE WHEN I WAS FIRST ATTENDING THAT SHIT, THEY STILL FAILED ME EVERY FUCKING TIME I TOOK THE BEHIND-THE-WHEEL TEST WITH THE COMMENT "NEEDS MORE THERAPY". i'm not fucking wasting my time ANYMORE with hopes of getting my damn driver's license again. i've paid for NUMEROUS BEHIND-THE-WHEEL LESSONS and the bastards STILL failed me. they just revealed your LACK of care and respect for me along with played you with those stupid lies telling you they'd help me get my driver's license again i'm sure (especially since your sister-in-law happens to be a cooliez therapist there!). i also just remembered that i'm probably wasting my time typing this blog entry out because YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME. if you and the rest of my family even gave a trace of care about me- you'd be helping me so that i'm more capable of doing everything i'm REALLY capable of doing and what I TRULY want for myself. NOT what makes YOU appear as if you actually care about me. same with my mom. she's just obsessed with me going back to courage kenny, so i can appear disabled like her and depend on other people to help me- whether i TRULY need it or not. if my family ACTUALLY cared about me- they'd be helping me so that i'm able to do EVERYTHING i'm capable of doing- so my mental health is actually healthy. i learned why my heart fluttered so much when i lived in burnsville and it was to the point where i had to be rushed to the emergency room a couple times. the anxiety was getting to my heart while being forced not to progress in life the way I wanted- so my heart started fluttering because of the anxiety. i just hope that doesn't start to happen here because my lack of progressing with MY life- license wise mostly. when i was in the car accident i was in, i DON'T remember ANY of my family sitting next to me in the car during the accident. I deal with the consequences of MY life- YOU DON'T. i've gotten myself this far and you better believe i'm NEVER returning to where or what i used to do. it doesn't say ANYBODY but MY own name on MY birth certificate. worry about yourself. you're just wasting your time stalking what i do when you could actually be doing something beneficial for your own damn lives. it just shows your complete and utter LACK of care and respect for ME.

verdicts of interviews

i went to BOTH of my interviews. the first interview was in the morning and it went alright- although i ran into the common problem of not having anything to really make me stand out as a candidate (i don't think anyway) and at the end of the interview, when the lady told me that she thought she asked me everything she needed to, unless i had any other questions, i gave the woman a smile and thanked her for the interview but i'm not sure if the smile was too fake or something- i remember my grandma telling me to smile at the person interviewing you (when she was alive and i was going on interviews, she tried to give me this tip), the lady gave me a confused look and smiledc a little.. so i think i may have made her feel uncomfortable hahaha because right before the last interview i had at the motel- indeed notified me that the hotel i had just interviewed with this morning wasn't hiring me. the second interview at a motel went pretty well but i'm not sure if i was dressed too formal for the job (i'm wearing a blouse and some business pants, i also had a blazer on). i seen the girl who worked there was wearing leggings + some shirt- it was pretty casual and laid-back. i remember some other lady who i was interviewing with a while ago, telling me that usually girls that worked there wore leggings and a shirt that usually worked there. i'm not really sure how many pairs of leggings i have- i must have at least one black pair.. other than that, i usually prefer wearing flare/looser fitting pants but i'll wear what i need to for work. i'm not sure i said or did anything wrong for the last interview at the motel and i know i didn't smile stupidly at the lady interviewing me. i'm not sure though. she'll probably find someone more qualified to work the job. i also should've taken it as a sign when the lady from the first interview asked me if i could go to the area she was at (like she insinuated that i may be unable to PHYSICALLY get to that part of the room when i wasn't having difficulty maneuvering or walking at all but she tried to make it seem like she was being cautious when she really had no reason to be other than discriminating against me because i had a cane). i debated on walking without a cane to my interviews today, to see if that made an impact on whether employers wanted to hire me- i forgot to do it during the first interview and by the second one- i was just too used to using my cane that i felt like people would probably be nagging me to use it and if i ended up falling during the second interview, people would blame me for falling and tell me i had to lug around a big walker again.

interviews! busy day tomorrow!

i just met with my job coach. we applied and scheduled an interview to a hotel tomorrow and i already had an interview scheduled for tomorrow- so i'm gonna be busy tomorrow. it feels like everything is happening so fast for me and i don't really have time to stop and think about it- so hopefully nothing goes wrong. so for any stupid, nosey sisters.. YES i AM working to get employed- so sit the fuck down and worry about yourself. i'm not sure of the point of her bringing up that i didn't have a job which i do remember her saying a long time ago. if your brother wouldn't have drank and drove, MAYBE i'd be further in life- not worrying about whether someone will employ me because i'm too disabled. you need to rethink your attempts at insults. then later on, i gotta head to sabathani to volunteer. my job coach said she spoke to the lady who approached me about working a more involved position and she told my job coach that she wasn't sure if sabathani's budget is open for it yet but she'll keep me in mind, if and when they want to have a more involved position. that's all i can ask for right now and i'll take it and just continue with what i'm doing to become more active, so i'm not just being inactive so negative thoughts can come to mind and i'll be playing in the devil's playground again.

common question.

i was thinking about something my psychologist asked me yesterday (i feel like i've been asked this a million times before)- "aren't you MAD at the driver of your car accident?".. i looked at her and didn't hesitate when i said, "no." then she said, "well he was the reason why you almost died and have so much difficulties now doing things." so i answered, "being mad at him won't get me anything or benefit me in any way." then my psychologist said, "yeah.. you're right." i can honestly admit that i've never really been angry to the point of hate at the driver of my car accident. i've always had the understanding that shit happens and in order for a problem to really happen- there's always gotta be more than one cause- i take responsibility in the accident. some cocky naive sisters may say, "well YOU got in the car." true but were YOU there? did you have to experience everything leading up to my decision to get in the car? or after? no. so mind your business. sticking up for your brother won't get you anything, so don't even waste your time. go act like your friend's hero somewhere else. it just shows that you're insecure about your friendship with her. i'm pretty sure that's why you're even in our business. trying to gain points with your friend, his wife. work on yourself and mind your business. you need to rethink your friendship if you need to harass women not to be friends with her husband. it's not your problem OR business. being mad at the man who nearly killed me and is the cause of my disability won't get me anywhere, it won't help me in any way. so save your bible verses about "forgiveness". i'm aware of my situation.

this is what i get for attempting to be prepared without looking at *ALL* the details FIRST.

damnit. i accidentally scheduled ANOTHER hair appointment before seeing that i already scheduled one yesterday for thursday. i think that might explain why they were charging me at least $100 for not showing up at the appointment i couldn't go to because my issues with lyft and i don't think my card was working properly at the time of the last appointment if i remember right. this is just some of the shit i'm forced to go through not being able to drive MYSELF and relying on lyft for all my damn rides. one naive person may be saying, "OH! JUST USE METRO MOBILITY LIKE ALL THE OTHER HANDICAP PEOPLE!" those dicks made me miss at least two concerts- so i lost money on the cost of the tickets all because the driver either left me or said he came and never did and when i called metro mobility to get another ride- they acted like they didn't have any open buses or cars. if you don't believe me- i'm sure if you search back in my blog, i bitched about it on several entries. WHO CARES THOUGH! IT'S NOT OUR MONEY OR PROBLEM, RIGHT AMANDA AND AMY?! IT'S THAT MENTALLY HANDICAP GIRL STACY'S PROBLEM! JUST MAKE HER WASTE ALL HER MONEY SO SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO BOTHER US ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE!! RIGHT?!

what a surprise.. can't do anything that will progress me..

it's so depressing to be kept from doing something you KNOW you're capable of doing. i'm referring to driving a vehicle. zen just met with me and he said, "well.. you took your cognitive test didn't you?" and then i said, "pfft.. yeah." then he said, "did you pass it?" (i'm sure he knows the answer to this question, so it was more or less rubbing it in my face) and i said, "no." then he said, "well if a medical professional says you can't drive- there's nothing i can do about it." i actually feel like i've taken a few before. i could've sworn that my care coordinator said that there was something else we could do to fight it but i was just like, "nah. not right now." so me being so laid back is gonna cost me. nobody gives a shit because it's NOT THEIR situation/problem. just ANOTHER fucking thing that was taken from me. DO YOU GUYS WANT ANYTHING ELSE OR ANY OTHER PRIVILEGES/RIGHTS I WAS GIVEN TO TAKE FROM ME?! amanda and my mom won't be satisfied until i'm in a damn nursing home so they can get all the attention and sympathy they can get from others when THEY DON'T DO A DAMN THING TO HELP ME. i had my other interview which was virtual today. i told the guy about my work history and he told me about the company. i'm not sure i sprung interest in hiring me. i still got the interview on wednesday with a hotel.. so hopefully i actually interest them in hiring me then. i thought they may have been interested in hiring me since i thought i interviewed with them before but i may be just imagining this to give myself a better attitude about getting hired.

TRY *EMPATHY* FOR *ONCE*!.. you might gain some intelligence.

i have another job interview tomorrow on zoom tomorrow. i think it's an administrative assistant position if i remember right.. could be a receptionist job. i need to check for sure later. i would have liked to stuck at sabathani but the supervisor never returned my call about some lady asking if i took aptitude or skills tests so they could know better which position would be appropriate for me. he told me to call him if i had any problems- so i just assumed he'd actually help me and be more proactive about it.. he's probably really busy though. i also received a report on how my trust is doing in the mail yesterday. at least i see that i'm not losing money (i'm pretty sure anyway.. i didn't gain a lot but at least i didn't lose money- with that said- i don't see ANY reason why i wouldn't be able to take a trip to mexico and see where i was born.. i have a passport and i haven't gotten to really take any trips and put it to use- so it was basically a waste of money if nobody assists me in actually fucking using it). i have an in-person interview later on this week and i'm pretty sure that's the woman who said my skills matched the position at the hotel for the job i'm having an in-person interview with.. it also sounds familiar- so i'm not sure if this is a second in-person interview.. i'm pretty sure this job is the job where they said i already interviewed with them and they have a position for me now at the hotel. i need to look at my messages again to be sure. "an idle mind is the devil's playground." that quote pretty much sums up the problem i come across personally. being in a boring ass state like minnesota doesn't help for me either. so i'm always trying to keep myself busy and i honestly can't think of a better way and a way i can be constructive than work a job. it pisses me off that people just assume i'm not capable of working because it's more convenient for them if i stay unemployed on social security.. what does my employment have ANYTHING to do with YOUR life? it doesn't. how would you like to be seen as a mentally disabled rehabilitation tool when you've ALREADY spent at least 4 or 5 fuckin years of your life at some overrated rehabilitation institute which just gets their business taking advantage of people who lack advocacy or people who are rich with advocacy. amanda probably thinks, "i don't know what she's complaining about! i'd love to not have to worry about paying for things and going to work out at courage kenny!" how would you like other people to treat you like you were too stupid and weak to do anything and take ALL your privileges away then tell you that you're too handicapped to do them?! you're lying if you said you wouldn't mind. ESPECIALLY if you KNOW you're capable of MORE but IT'S TOO FUCKING INCONVENIENT FOR ANYONE TO ADVOCATE FOR YOU AND MAKE SURE YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE CAPABLE OF. THAT'S WHERE I'M AT RIGHT NOW.

their definition of "care" has to do about what's *CONVENIENT* for them MORE than anything.

i'm watching 50 first dates on tv for probably the millionth time and i find some similarities between my own situation and what happens to drew barrymore on the movie. she was injured in a car accident also and has a traumatic brain injury as a result and her family basically gaslights her into thinking nothing went wrong, so she doesn't have to deal with the difficulties a person with a tbi usually has to deal with. i can see my family doing this to me if they had the opportunity if so many memories didn't surround me which contrast the truth. it's also why i haven't gotten MORE done with my life to rehabilitate myself. paying attention to my problems requires too much time and care for it to be convenient or beneficial for them. at least drew barrymore on the movie HAS her damn driver's license. BET THEY MADE HER WASTE HER TIME AND LIFE AT COURAGE KENNY IN ORDER TO GET IT! RIGHT AMANDA?! courage kenny also played a role in GASLIGHTING me because most, if not all, of my cell phone videos of me in rehabilitation practicing walking when i was going there are DELETED from facebook and they treat me like they have to put me BACK on all them easy machines which my living room wall could operate when i went there because God forbid, i made ANY progression because then i wouldn't need to pay them anymore to "help" me do the SAME SHIT i've been doing for years and think i'm actually getting stronger. so- AGAIN.. for my mental health- i'm choosing to avoid going to that overrated pathetic excuse of a "rehabilitation" facility. so with that said- family is SUPPOSED to be SUPPORTIVE and NOT enabling gaslighting of the family member who they SUPPOSEDLY "care" about just for their own fucking convenience. it's unbelievable and incredibly SAD that i have to put up with this kind of abuse after EVERYTHING i've been through- "recovering" from my tbi is more depressing and stressful than the ACTUAL accident itself. the only family member who has WILLINGLY and GENUINELY been there for me is joe. the rest of my family were all basically forced by my grandma to help or "care" about me.
i got up earlier than usual this morning to have a phone interview with someone about a hotel front desk position because they had told me they read my resume on ziprecruiter. they were going through the tasks of the particular position and i said, "i'm sure i can do all of the things you listed." then the lady went into the hours i'd need to work and it didn't sound like part-time hours, so i asked her if this was a part-time position and she said, "no.. it's full time." then i said, "well, i'm sorry. i can only work part-time." and she said, "oh. okay. have a good day." i have this same problem ALL the time and i always make sure it's part-time i'm looking into- i'm not sure if the employer just tries to slip people into a full-time position without really knowing what they're REALLY getting into? trust me. if i could work full time- i'd be all in. it's something to do with how much government assistance i get and not really if i could physically handle the work. God forbid a vulnerable adult gets the same opportunities as a regular person. ah well. just gonna have to keep at it. i might be the age of retirement by the time someone actually gives me a shot.

the long process of looking for a job..

so i interviewed for a front desk position at a hotel this week and they told me they'd get back to me on indeed and said they were still going through applicants. so at least they're keeping me updated on my application status and not just leaving me with my hopes up wondering what's going on. douglas came over last night and we were discussing about how i went to interviews at a hotel and a healthcare program. he told me to just keep applying, eventually someone will come around. he could also relate to my frustration of applying to jobs and going to numerous interviews- only for them to tell me they wanted to go another route in hiring. he told me that he did the exact same thing before he finally found his recent job. i was thinking back and i thought he asked me why i didn't get responses from jobs sooner when applying for them because when he applied for jobs- they'd always tell him if he got the job around the same day of the interview. it might've been someone else that told me that, even though i'm almost positive it was him. at least he realizes that i'm actually trying to get hired because of all the interviews i have. i'm sure many people just assume i sit at home watching tv, on facebook, or doing something else unproductive during the day. that used to bother me until i realized what they think won't really change what i'm ACTUALLY doing during the day. they can think whatever they want. they seem to be worried about what I am doing MORE than i am worried about it. kinda surprising they don't have anything better to do than worry about what someone who is minding their own damn business is doing. also sad but it's not my problem. i read part of my book today about how people admire people who actually do what they say they're going to do rather than people who it takes longer for them to do things because they care what others think so much. i could care less what people admire but it irritates me that i'm sure the only reason why people read my blog is to monitor me, so they can say they actually keep in contact with me- so people will think they ACTUALLY talk and interact with me on a daily basis which couldn't be FURTHER from the TRUTH. point is- i don't need people carelessly surveillancing me when i'm a GROWN PERSON, who i GUARANTEE they could NEVER handle HALF the shit i've been through. i got myself this fucking far in life and I'M NOT STOPPING OR GOING BACKWARDS FOR ANYONE'S CONVENIENCE OR BENEFIT. this is MY LIFE. not amanda's. not my mom's. not fat amy's. those are just three of the people who i believe spy on me and they try to make it seem like it's for my own good when it's really because they have NOTHING BETTER to do! go read a book. seeing as i know my mom is capable of reading when she wants- it shouldn't be hard for her! i gotta get ready to go to spanish now..

some observations.

i'm pretty sure i'm gonna get a new financial worker because i was laying in bed this morning thinking about it AGAIN. she wouldn't pay for me to get a ticket to get the apartment in concord- so i lost my opportunity there. i think i only have 2 opportunities left, then i need to re-register for the housing or i'm not sure if i'm eligible anymore. i also asked her if she could buy some tickets for a trip to mexico because i've always wanted to return to the place i was born. i have a passport, so i'll at least be able to re-enter this country without problems. she told me that i shouldn't take a trip this year because i went to boston last year. when brian used to be my financial worker, he helped me take a trip EVERY year. so either she's just trying to make it seem like my account is actually making money by reducing my spending and limiting what i use MY OWN money for or she's trying to hide the fact that she's not doing her job efficiently, so in results- my account isn't gaining money and if anything- it's losing money.. which i really don't think it should be if they actually invested my money proficiently and wisely. i think back to when my grandma was alive and she had my money with wells fargo and the trustee there used to share with me how my stocks were doing which probably explained why he was actually doing his job CORRECTLY and making me money. can't count on amanda to do that for me.. I GOT THIS! A VULNERABLE ADULT WITH A TBI TELLING A TRUSTEE HOW TO DO THEIR JOBS! RIGHT.. *rolls eyes* trying to cover your entitled careless mindset. maybe they teach how to invest and gain money in the salon! YOU GOT THIS! i'm not talking about purchasing hair products for your damn salon anymore either. it's not my fault you chose a profession that can't pay for their own damn tools to make them successful.

i feel like i repeat what i've been through at least three times a week.. maybe if people ACTUALLY cared about ME- i wouldn't have to do so?

i was thinking and i'm wondering if amanda TRUTHFULLY believes courage kenny helped me get to where i am now.. courage kenny was more concerned about covering their sad excuse of a "rehabilitation" institute (more like MENTAL institute because they cause a sane person who is just looking to rehabilitate CRAZY). i can't forget that my grandma PROMISED me that amanda wouldn't have me go to courage kenny anymore after she died because she'd be busy getting me to ny! i just looked at my grandma's funeral announcement and it says she died on august 22, 2015.. so it's been NEARLY ELEVEN YEARS. am i in new york? no.. do i have my driver's license and a vehicle i can drive (like my grandma CLAIMED amanda told her she'd help me get again)? no.. SHE'S DONE A WHOLE LOTTA NOTHING FOR ME. the furthest i could manage to get independently was my driver's permit. i took NUMEROUS behind-the-wheel classes (one of them said i was safe to drive and take the behind-the-wheel test) and i took that overrated excuse of a rehab. "institute"'s behind-the-wheel test two or three times. they FAILED me EVERY time- with the comment "needs more therapy". IF I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS SHIT ONE MORE TIME- I'M GONNA GO NUTS. DID THEY TELL JAMES, WHO IS A PARAPLEGIC AND CAN'T WALK BUT HE DRIVES A CAR, THAT HE NEEDED MORE "THERAPY" BEFORE THEY GAVE HIM HIS LICENSE? i think not. he HAS advocacy who ACTUALLY cares about him- so of course they told him he could drive. i've went to courage kenny from the time i was 19 until about 34.. I THINK I GOT ENOUGH FUCKIN THERAPY. AMANDA DOESN'T CARE AND IS JUST TRYING TO FIND ANY OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK GOOD AND FOR IT TO ACTUALLY BENEFIT HER. HER SISTER-IN-LAW HAPPENS TO WORK AT COURAGE KENNY! HOW PERFECT! NOW SHE CAN PRETEND TO ACTUALLY BE "SUPPORTIVE" OF ME WHILE CAUSING ME TO GO BACK IN MY REHABILITATION PROGRESSION SO SHE CAN LOOK GOOD TO HER IN-LAWS! ROCK ON! NOBODY REALLY CARES ABOUT STACY ANYWAY! SHE'S MENTALLY HANDICAPPED! RIGHT AMANDA? THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE ME FEEL. THAT'S NOT HOW FAMILY WORKS. family is supposed to be caring and supportive. NOT JUST to what benefits them.. ESPECIALLY NOT a person who has spent at least 15 years in a fucking wheelchair and were in a damn coma for 6 months. the most that overrated pile of shit of a rehabilitation center did for me was find my first apartment in minneapolis for me. that apartment had mice, bed bugs, roaches, you name it- it probably had it. i suppose anything is better than a place just concerned on taking advantage of their clients who are vulnerable adults and without advocacy. the past times i had to go to the emergency room, i tried calling amanda and her mom just to let them know where i was- did any of them return the call and check on me? hell no. so i told my cousin joe the last time i was in the hospital and having surgery on my bowel.. he even did a video chat with me for a few minutes to check how i was doing since i was being released from the hospital before he could come see me personally. THAT is how a truly CARING family member treats their family members. i read this post about how people were saying they had to tell people how to treat them who are older than them. i know EXACTLY how that feels. i got to the condition i'm in now with the help of tram holloway, who my grandma went out and found to ACTUALLY help me get outta my wheelchair because she realized how courage kenny wasn't truly helping me, he came to my place in burnsville and did arp treatment on me and i went to his offices for a while. courage kenny just gave me somewhere to practice walking- i realized i could do everything they were "helping" me with at my own apartment and i stopped wasting my time there. i remember filling out a goals chart when i first started going there and i put that i wanted to get my driver's license again and i wanted to walk without a wheelchair. so they took the opportunity to take advantage of my lack of helpful advocacy and failed me all the times i took the behind-the-wheel test there so i'd have to keep attending their overrated sorry excuse of a "rehabilitation" institute. my family cares about me so much they just assume all i'm capable of doing is attend an overrated excuse of a rehabilitation institute. that's ALL my mom, sister, and all my other (except joe and jay) relatives ask me about when i speak to them- assuming i'll think they actually care about me if they ask about the only thing they think they know i'm capable of doing. when i showed up at courage kenny without a walker, wheelchair, or anything else helping me to walk- kevin (my therapist at courage kenny) had told me not to return to courage kenny without something assisting me to walk because of liability. i never came close to falling when walking there ever- so that told me enough about their sorry excuse of a "rehabilitation" center and IF i'm EVER forced to go there again- i'll act like a maniac and the cops will be forced to remove me. don't put anything past me. my grandma used to always tell me, "where there's a will there's a way". that's the quote that motivates me and has got me this far. so it might be a good idea for amanda to ACTUALLY do what she told my grandma she'd do? that IS OF COURSE ONLY if she REALLY CARES about me. SHE'S MORE CONCERNED ABOUT HER IN-LAWS! YOU KNOW- THE PEOPLE WHO AREN'T MENTALLY HANDICAPPED! although, now that i think about it- my grandma was telling me how the son of her neighbor who is mentally handicapped (the son is) was driving now because her neighbor's wife helped him get it. so it IS possible for mentally handicapped people to drive.. so you lost your excuses not to help me get it again.. you're just a selfish, naive relative to me. the only reason i haven't killed myself yet is because i have a suspicion you'll try to get what money i have left even though i put in my will to give it all to my brother when i die.