causes of my ptsd diagnosis.

i forgot to mention the conversation i had with my psychologist today. i was expressing my frustration with my mom's refusal to take accountability or EVEN mention how my dad accidentally kicked ME the last time i'm pretty sure i seen him because my mom's selfish narcissistic ass used ME as a "shield" while my dad kicked her and he accidentally kicked ME instead. she's NEVER brought it up to me (probably because my psychologist agreed with me that she's ASHAMED and i'm sure she's afraid of my reaction, my mom just assumes if she just "sweeps the abuse and neglect under the rug" and doesn't address it- IT'LL GO AWAY! my psychologist made the observation that that's how my mom and i are different- i DON'T ignore shit, i address it right away.. the psychologist said that's how i learn NOT to be- from looking at my mom's behavior).. the way i found out was remembering how my grandma brought up the doctors asking her and my mom if i had went through anything that would cause injury to my stomach/abdomen and my grandma said straight out, "i didn't tell the doctors about a fight that tracy and poncho had when poncho was kicking at tracy, tracy had stacy in her arms and turned to get away from him and accidentally kicked stacy." my grandma was condoning my mom's selfishness and neglect. my grandma called my dad "poncho" for some reason. i went through MOST of my life without a damn father because my mom is selfish and uncaring. since i know she lives to read my blog because she likes reading about how fuckin horrible of a person she is because someone cares enough about her to talk about her (and since she's an ignorant ass, she doesn't care if it's revealing how shitty of a person she is- JUST AS LONG AS IT'S ABOUT HER!) after having to have been cut open at least TWO times due to her selfishness- time for someone to actually let her know how fucking horrible of a person she is. everyone is probably saying, "SHE SHOULDN'T TALK ABOUT THE WOMAN WHO GAVE HER LIFE LIKE THAT!".. so she gave me life.. the credit goes to MY GRANDPARENTS for basically raising me. she never shot hoops with me and went to ALL of my basketball games (and i'm pretty sure one of the bigger reasons why i even was on the traveling team when i was younger was thanks to my grandpa knowing the banker who was one of the coaches of the team). she never taught me how to read. the credit goes to my grandma who refused to listen to people when they told her i was illiterate (i think because my mom is basically illiterate when i was growing up.. until she COINCIDENTALLY knows how to read my blog now) and my grandma used hooked-on-phonics to have me reading when people tried to tell my mom and grandma i was illiterate. she CAN'T take credit for ANYTHING in my life. oh.. maybe she can take credit for all those times she left me alone at her house while i was wheelchair-dependant and she went to the bar to play pool! *claps* nice.. *rolls eyes* and people WONDER why i hauled ass when i got my driver's license and took the opportunity to go to new york without the acknowledgement of my mom and/or grandparents.. or anyone for that matter. it's NOT like my mom REALLY cared anyway and i had anything to lose! she can put her "concerned parent" mask on now and act like I am the crazy one. not after at least TWO surgeries on my abdomen organs. you've done more damage physically AND psychologically to me than ANYTHING. my advice is to just LET ME create my life without trying to pull my bum mommy or my family who acts entitled to a relationship to me after they've done NOTHING for me along with me and/or ask permission to go where i'm going!.. except joe but it's not fair to stack all the responsibility on him.. and he's told me several times, he's supportive of me as long as i'm truly happy. that's MORE than i can say about ANY of my family members who only show care when it's convenient and/or beneficial for THEM.

getting prepared.

my psychologist just left my place. i called my care coodinator when my ics worker was here yesterday and zen helped me fill out an application for some housing assistance company yesterday and they said i needed a referral from a doctor saying i'm disabled/handicapped and i need accomodations for the apartment in massachusetts. so i called my care coordinator and left him a message asking for my primary care doctor's number because i need accomodations for my apartment there and to verify that i'm handicapped, with a brain injury. i didn't get any response from him yet today, so i called my case manager and found out my primary care doctor's number and called them before my psychologist came today and asked them if they could have my primary care doctor write a note saying i'm disabled with a traumatic brain injury, so i need accomodations in the apartment, at first they wanted to fax my doctor and i couldn't find a fax number for the primary care doctor and then they asked if i could find a mailing address for my primary care doctor and i found the address but i just remembered something- i don't remember if i specified which primary care doctor it was exactly. hopefully i told them. then my psychologist came and we had a conversation about how my mom and amanda don't provide me with any support whatsoever. we talked about how they were only supportive of me when it came to going to the courage center and i'm DONE going there- the car accident that i was involved in was OVER TWENTY FOUR FUCKIN YEARS AGO. my psychologist agreed with my frustration. i said, "THERE'S STAGES WHEN IT COMES TO REHABILITATION AND IT SEEMS LIKE THEY WANT ME TO STAY IN THE STAGE WHERE I ATTEND THE COURAGE CENTER JUST SO THEY ACTUALLY APPEAR CARING AND SUPPORTIVE WHEN THEY'RE NOT BEING ANY OF THOSE THINGS, TRYING TO KEEP ME IN THE SAME PLACE MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE. THIS IS WHERE THE LACK OF EMPATHY PART COMES IN- HOW WOULD THEY LIKE THEIR PROGRESS AND EVERYTHING THEY'VE DONE IN LIFE JUST TO GET WHERE THEY ARE COMPLETELY DISREGARDED AND IGNORED?! THEY WOULDN'T FUCKIN LIKE IT." my psychologist agreed with me and said there should be a program that deals with patients when they just get out of rehabilitation like i am. i think the stupid courage center might have a program for that but no one conveniently told me about it because they wanted to keep making money off me going to their easy ass therapy.
before my psychologist came, my job coach came and had the 60-day evaluation meeting with her supervisor. i told him about the interview i just had last week and how the lady seemed interested in hiring me because she asked me where i lived and was asking me questions that i told her i was qualified with and she said she'd get back to me today if i got the job. then i asked if i should call them to see and she said the day wasn't over yet, i should wait. then while my job coach and her supervisor were talking to each other, my job coach brought up an idea of how i could get someone else to work with me because they probably have other methods and one of her other clients did this with her and ended up getting hired for some job the first week with the other job coach. i'm open to suggestions as long as it'll help me get employed, so i agreed with the idea. so i'm hopefully starting to get my ducks in a row for housing and a new job. i'm NOT going back or staying in the same place in my life. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS.

2026 is for *ACTION*. not for settling for just good enough. if you ain't with the program, buzz off.

the ics told me to check on the massachusetts housing application, to see if my care coordinator could get me a doctor's note saying that i'm disabled, so i can get handicapped/disabled housing i'm pretty sure in massachusetts. certain entitled naive people are acting clueless about WHY i wanna move from minnesota because i have "EVERYTHING HERE!".. i'm NOT a naive, brainwashed idiot that will just believe whatever the hell you tell me. YOU might have "EVERYTHING" here but that doesn't mean everyone else does. i lack the proper support and resources to help me be an actual constructive citizen. THAT DOESN'T MEAN A HANDICAPPED PERSON WHO RELIES ON SOCIAL SECURITY WHILE THEY MINDLESSLY ATTEND SOME SORRY EXCUSE OF A "REHABILITATION INSTITUTE" JUST FOR THE CONVENIENCE OF SOME PEOPLE WHO DON'T EVEN GIVE ME THE TIME OF DAY/SUPPORT AT ALL. i told people that come to help me do things what amanda says to me whenever i call her, not offering me any help at all but just "YOU GOT THIS!" a person looked blankly at me in disbelief that someone could be so careless and they asked me, "has she EVER worked with a person who has a brain injury before?" i answered, "i don't know. it doesn't seem like it." they agreed. my advice is to take a class in empathy along with one that teaches about traumatic brain injuries since you think you know everything. maybe then you'd actually have something to back your false convenient claims (such as "minnesota is the best for health care because they got courage kenny!".. just for your information- my friend, who is a citizen of new york, said they have courage kennys in new york). try researching things before you act like you know things. go tell someone else to go to courage kenny because i have OTHER GOALS which deserve to be addressed by myself before going back in my capability just to appease people who only give me the time of day when it's convenient or beneficial for them. don't even try if you've just got your own self interests in mind while totally disregarding EVERYTHING i've been through and everything i've done to get where i am today. you're not helping. don't even try to make it seem like you are either because i WILL shut down ALL your fucking lies and depending on my mood at the time- it may not be very nice.

needed information

i had ics today and we checked on my application to the apartment i toured in boston when i took a trip there last. good thing too because the ics asked me if i sent this information and i could've sworn that another ics worker assisted me in sending it in a while ago but zen said they didn't.. so he had to enter everything in and we need a doctor to state that i'm disabled. since it's sunday, i couldn't call the doctor's office, so the best i could do was call my care coordinator and left him a voicemail saying i needed a letter from my doctor saying i was disabled for the apartment that i'm applying to in boston. i hope i can get this information as soon as possible because i need to get this information to the apartment soon in order to confirm my application.
i was thinking (i probably mentioned this before).. and my family is responsible for my PTSD. i wasn't diagnosed with PTSD right after my accident like a person would assume.. my recent psychologist diagnosed me with PTSD after her last evaluation with me. i'm thinking that when i had dreams about my dad kicking me by accident while meaning to kick my mom, when she was holding ME in FRONT OF HER.. those reminscant dreams coincidentally came during my last surgery on my blocked bowel.. sorta like God was trying to tell me why i was going through what i was currently going through. i remember looking up PTSD a while ago and it mentions having traumatic dreams about traumatic events in a person's life.. so that explains why i was diagnosed with PTSD. it's NOTHING but NEGLECTFUL for amanda and the rest of my "care" team to avoid helping to get me as FAR from my mom as possible, because she obviously has the worst intentions and motives for me. i'm pretty sure the LACK of care towards my brother and i has to do something with trying to get back at my dad through me (and my brother.. who DOES have the SAME father as me.. kinda explains how she felt entitled to steal a bunch of money from my brother when she did a while ago too). your narcissistic ass should've just aborted us since you don't plan on taking care or loving us fully if other people aren't giving you attention or credit for it. you should've just stuck to having fucking dogs. you're obviously not suited and responsible enough to be a mother. now you can go whine about how i came to this realization to grandma's friends or any other relatives that can tolerate your whining. i'm not gonna help you or listen to you anymore.. you're just a big clingy idiot who wants to drag everyone who is actually trying to make a life for themselves down. you don't have the best intentions for me. you feel the need to drag me down to your level and cling to me because.. MISERY LOVES COMPANY! like i said.. you have another daughter WITH children (your grandchildren) that you can concentrate on! be a good grandma and see how they're doing. although i just remembered something- she would probably beat your ass like her dad used to if you bothered her. so it's probably just best to resume talking to your dogs.

STUPID EXCUSES.

i was just thinking about when i went to the courage center WAY BACK when i lived in burnsville, i remember seeing my friend james there. james got his driver's license from courage kenny. james is a paraplegic.. he was born that way because he's also in a manual wheelchair during the day. they had him doing the arm bike at the courage center. i'm not really sure how the arm bike would assist in driving but i'm sure they had to have a reason to steal money from the insurance company. i have had my damn permit for OVER FOUR YEARS. i just looked at it and the year it was issued. at least four proven years of non-advocation! *claps* HOW MUCH ARE WE SHOOTING FOR AMANDA SINCE PEOPLE WON'T GIVE ME THE OPPORTUNITY TO PROVE TO THEM I CAN DRIVE BECAUSE IT TAKES TOO MUCH OF MY OWN FUCKING MONEY TO BUY MYSELF A VEHICLE TO PRACTICE DRIVING WITH! thanks A LOT, DICKS. that includes amanda, my mom, and trustee who all conveniently come up with excuses for me NOT to drive. HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU LIKE TO DEPEND ON OTHERS FOR A RIDE WHENEVER AND WHEREEVER YOU NEED TO GO WHEN YOU'VE PASSED THAT FUCKING DRIVER'S PERMIT KNOWLEDGE TEST AT LEAST 4 TIMES IN YOUR LIFE, ALONG WITH BEHIND-THE-WHEEL LESSONS REGARDLESS WHAT THAT LIAR BRIAN SAYS, ALONG WITH FAILED THAT DAMN BEHIND-THE-WHEEL DRIVING TEST AT COURAGE KENNY WITH THE INSTRUCTIONS "NEEDS MORE THERAPY" AT LEAST THREE FUCKING TIMES. I CAN FUCKING WALK. JAMES CAN'T WALK. WHERE'S HIS "NEEDS MORE THERAPY" EXCUSE?! OH! HE HAS SOMETHING THAT I DON'T- ADVOCACY. thanks family. definition of family (i looked it up on google)? "Family is a group of people who you always carry with you, emotionally, and who you'll always remember." well guess that means i DON'T have family! oh well. my family just hates me because the blood-related relatives neglect the shit outta me. except joe because he at least SPOKE WITH ME THE LAST TIME I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL AND HAD SURGERY. thanks to the rest of them who could give a SHIT less about me. i'm forced to remain in a place without any support except joe. i know joe would make an effort to show he cared about me whereever i live UNLIKE the rest of my damn family. those asses at courage kenny told me that i didn't need a driver's license in new york because they said barely anyone there drives. they obviously have never been there, negligent pricks. so those must've been imaginary vehicles i seen in new york all the times i've went there? i'm NEVER going to courage kenny again because they assume i'm a dumbass they can take advantage of, so i'll just stop dealing with those pricks altogether. DO YOU SEE THAT AMANDA?! I'M NEVER GOING BACK THERE AGAIN. i took that behind-the-wheel fucking program FOUR times. GO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF SOMEONE ELSE AND THEIR NEGLECT FROM THEIR FAMILY. I GET THE PICTURE. MY FAMILY HATES ME. DO YOU REALLY NEED TO GO THROUGH THIS SHIT WITH ME TO REVEAL SOMETHING THAT IS SO FUCKING OBVIOUS?! I'M NOT THAT FUCKING STUPID NOT TO SEE IT.

investigating when i started gloomy posting..

i was looking at my timeline on facebook and i realized a majority of my posts on my timeline has to do with the LACK of support i receive. then i wondered when these types of posts started exactly.. i'm pretty sure i just made posts about my rehabilitation when my grandma was still living (i think that i probably started around the time that my grandma died because i remember crying to my grandma almost every phone conversation towards the end of her life because i felt like courage kenny-do-NOTHING-BUT-UNDERESTIMATE-PEOPLE-TO-REMAIN-TELLING-INSURANCE-COMPANIES-FALSE-SHIT-SO-THEY-CAN-ACTUALLY-HAVE-CLIENTS-THAT-ARE-UNADVOCATED-FOR-SO-THEY-CAN-ACTUALLY-STAY-IN-BUSINESS. AMANDA DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THAT THOUGH! SHE JUST CARES ABOUT LOOKING "GOOD" TO IN-LAWS AND OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS ASSUMING I AM THE PROBLEM- SO I DON'T WANNA "HELP" MYSELF. (so she's basically CARELESSLY ENABLING them) "help" myself by going on easy ass machines you sit on and move your feet forward and backward, while moving some bars forward and backward at the same time ALL THE TIME and expect it to somehow help my ambulation? (you can even google "nu-step machine" on google to see the shit they always tried to stick me on) nonono. after about 7 years of that shit- i just stopped going since no one was offering me any TRULY HELPFUL alternatives to help me in life. courage-kenny was just taking advantage of my LACK of ADVOCACY by my unbelievebly UNsupportive cousin amanda (who only cares about looking supportive and good to people who just blindly believe everything she says). so GO FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO POLISH YOUR EGO WITH MY STUPID MOM AND THE REST OF THE IDIOTS WHO ACTUALLY BELIEVE YOU. *YOU* HAVE NEVER PERSONALLY SEEN THE SHIT COURAGE KENNY HAS THEIR CLIENTS DO BECAUSE YOU ASSUME HAVING A SISTER-IN-LAW THAT WORKS THERE AUTOMATICALLY MAKES YOU LOOK "SUPPORTIVE". because i don't live for making unsupportive liars look "smart" and "caring".. i've managed to find a way to do things MY way because THIS IS MY LIFE I'M LIVING! NOT MY MOM'S (WHO I'M CONVINCED JUST WANTS COMPANY LIVING OFF SOCIAL SECURITY AND TALKING TO HER DOGS WHILE UNEMPLOYED).. NOT AMANDA'S (WHO JUST DOES EVERYTHING SHE THINKS WILL MAKE HER LOOK "GOOD").. MY LIFE. if my mom really wanted to be different than what my grandma assumed would be good for her- she'd be trying to get things going the way SHE wants. STACY DOES NOT EQUAL A JUNIOR TRACY. GO RUIN SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE WITH YOUR DELUSIONS. I GOT SHIT TO DO IN ORDER TO GET MY FUCKING LIFE BACK. I KEEP IN MIND WHEN KEVIN HART SAYS, "DON'T BE A BITCH." TO KEEP ME MOTIVATED. A CERTAIN PARENT NEEDS TO TAKE THE SAME ADVICE.

"SUPPORT"!.. or lackthereof i *SHOULD* say.

to further explain the LACK of "support" that amanda gives me (pretty much so she doesn't go and take false credit for "helping" me get to where i end up..)- she only seems to find it CONVENIENT to "support" me when it's been proven to work and ALREADY BEEN DONE by me probably at least 15 fucking years ago. i'm sure if you're smart enough to look at the DATES of the rehabilitation videos on facebook of me practicing walking attached to a bungee cord from the ceiling, practicing walking at first and then walking with different walkers and i'm pretty sure it shows me also walking with trekking poles also since i spent at least 8 years of videos of me walking AT THE COURAGE CENTER (NOW KNOWN AS "COURAGE KENNY"). YOU try wasting years of your life for OTHER PEOPLE'S CONVENIENCE just so people who only feel like appearing "caring" and "supportive" can actually look like LOVING FAMILY MEMBERS. YOU try throwing away EVERYTHING you've ever done in your life (school grades, sports, and later on rehabilitation) JUST to make some people who only care about you whenever it's beneficial and/or convenient for THEM happy. this is one of the reasons why i say amanda lacks empathy. I KNOW DAMN WELL SHE WOULDN'T WANT PEOPLE NOT TO SUPPORT HER BECAUSE SHE WANTS SOMETHING DIFFERENT FOR HER LIFE THAN WHAT HER FAMILY HAS GOING ON WITH THEM. i also forgot that in order to be empathetic.. you gotta be intelligent. so that explains everything.. and she acts as if she knows everything- while completely and conveniently IGNORING EVERYTHING i've done in my life to get where i am. i could be dead.. i could be in a nursing home.. i could be in a group home.. but NO, i'm living INDEPENDENTLY in MY OWN apartment. i've already been through the courage residence, then 24 hr. pca service, independent living in an apartment in st. paul with ics, now i only have a pca for 5 hours (i think) along with a few hours of ics. I'M NOT GOING BACK IN MY PROGRESS JUST SO PEOPLE WHO ONLY CARE AND SUPPORT ME AT THEIR OWN CONVENIENCE FEEL USEFUL AND/OR APPEAR "CARING" TO EVERYONE ELSE. A PERSON IS SUPPOSED TO GET MORE INDEPENDENT AND STRONGER WHILE THEY'RE REHABILITATING. if you had ANY empathy- you'd understand my stance. my grandma told me that amanda had "all these plans" for me- to help me get my driver's license again, get a job, and have me living in my own apartment in new york. i'm NOT a handicapped, disabled idiot that jumps at sorry attempts to look like people are actually "caring" for me just because i want ATTENTION (i'm not like my mom). I'M AWARE OF ALL THE SHIT I'VE BEEN THROUGH. I'M NOT GOING BACK JUST SO PEOPLE ACTUALLY APPEAR LIKE THEY GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME BECAUSE THEY DON'T. ONLY WHEN IT'S CONVENIENT OR BENEFICIAL TO THEM!.. seriously, i don't have time for that shit. i'm not gonna decrease my capability and potential just for people who only are supportive if it makes them look "GOOD" or benefits them in any way. I DIDN'T LIVE THROUGH SIX MONTHS IN A DAMN COMA AND OVER TEN FUCKING YEARS IN A WHEELCHAIR JUST TO MAKE MY FAMILY LOOK LIKE THEY ACTUALLY FUCKING CARE WHEN NO ONE CAN ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE WHEN THE EMERGENCY ROOM CALLS THEM ABOUT ME. I COULD'VE BEEN DEAD. my mom answers the damn phone but she immediately gets all overly excited and starts crying.. when something goes wrong- CRYING WON'T SOLVE SHIT. it's not gonna get you anywhere. so i'm sure she does this shit for attention seeing as she seems to find it optional to show care towards me. CLINGYNESS IS NOT CARE. i'm not stupid enough to think it is. you're stupid for assuming that i am stupid enough to think that. IF i'm in good enough condition to talk to you on the phone- DON'T YOU THINK I'M OKAY?! go bother and act like you care about your other daughter since you obviously favor female offspring over male. this is a good time where i envy my brother. she (my sister) has a bunch of kids (grandchildren)! go make yourself look like a "CARING GRANDMA"!

MY life. NOT the life of unaccomplished losers who don't want to see someone doing better or different than them.

i just got back from my spanish lesson. i feel like i'm learning some.. then there are times during the lessons where i feel like i've learned it before- so it's more or less just a review and check-up on my knowledge. at least i don't feel totally lost anymore.
i was thinking about who exactly is responsible for my genes which seemed to think it's a good idea to take risks and how i'm eager to learn new things. it MUST be my dad because my mom is like a hermit and she'd rather stay to herself where she ASSUMES it's "safe". safe = boring and going BACK in my progress in life. i've NEVER had the desire to live in this close-minded bigoted state. i grew up in a town where there wasn't ANY black people in my grade or school at the time i was going to school. I was the darkest one in ALL my school sports pictures. i grew up with discrimination. i was always the little brown girl in school. the ONLY other race in our school was mexican but there weren't any other mexicans crazy enough to want to associate with white people (they stayed in their little "cliques" in school and there WAS one particularly with mexicans only but i never found anything in common with them because they all spoke spanish and my mom's side of the family raised me- which was ONLY english speaking.. i admit- i always wanted to learn what they were saying, so i could communicate with people who looked like they had more in common with me rather than the white, english speaking people i was raised with). it just naturally seemed like the right thing to do for me from a young age because my mom and her parents were white. people can try to say, "SHE DIDN'T GET DISCRIMINATED AGAINST! WE MADE SURE ALL SHE GOT WAS RESPECT." were you on my shoulder at ALL times? NO. stfu. i think it's more than likely the reason why i never had any boyfriends in school. i heard the last time i was at work and someone was making a speech at the party, they referred to "black AND brown people".. i hear that a lot now when i'm in st. paul. i also remember the speaker mentioning "black and brown people" at philando castile's memorial speeches. i NEVER heard the brown people/mexicans even being mentioned when i was growing up- because a majority of the people were WHITE. black people also seem more willing to join with hispanic people. i can honestly tell you that i'm more comfortable around black people than white people. they're not so quick to discriminate or hate. that's a big reason why i've NEVER wanted to live in this state. it's never been diverse enough for me. even my mom discriminates against black people. she can try to deny it but i KNOW that's why she's only been to my apartment in st. paul once.. maybe twice. i don't know where the hell she got it from either. my grandpa always said that it didn't matter what color people were and my grandma worked with black people, so she basically had to tolerate them. my mom is weak minded- so it may have been something she learned when she was young and she doesn't like change because it's unpredictable and unsafe to her. i really didn't know my dad.. he left when i was younger and just enough time for him and my mom to make my brother.. other than that- my mom had my sister with another hispanic guy but that was about 30 years ago and he was from TEXAS. he also enjoyed beating the shit outta my mom. a guy's dick could NEVER be that good for me to allow him to beat on me and impregnate me. i'd rather be an old maid than get the shit beat outta me by the father of my children. ANOTHER REASON WHY WE'RE NOTHING ALIKE!.. besides, i think i'd scare any guy with any amount of intelligence from beating or even laying a finger inproperly on me. i'm pretty sure most guys might have a sense of fear when it comes to talking/interacting with me.. from my experience anyway. i think i've only had to push ONE guy off of me with my foot and leg in burnsville while in bed. i'm pretty sure he's one of my facebook friends now though- so it couldn't have hurt him too bad. i don't really remember my dad though but i'm pretty sure i must've got his risk-taking personality because my mom is just a turtle hermit. she can try to cling to me ALL she wants to weigh me down from reaching my TRUE POTENTIAL ALL SHE WANTS BUT I DON'T HAVE TO EVER INTERACT OR COMMUNICATE WITH HER AGAIN. don't push it. i don't need YOU or any of these close-minded bigots of relatives to "support" me- which they never do (EXCEPT JOE) because it's not beneficial or convenient for them. so you dicks can try to keep me from succeeding at MY goals just because they're different and not convenient for you but guess what? THIS IS MY LIFE.. not yours. go find someone else to wash your white hoods.

warning us for our own good

when i went to sabathani today to work, they had a holiday party upstairs- i remember seeing something about the party last week but i forgot. so i went upstairs in a room and had things to eat and a little party with the other people who work there. grump is making his impression on people. at the party, one of the men there warned everyone on mic about grump's horrible policies coming for everyone and how if we didn't get him out of office as soon as possible- everyone is in danger. last night, douglas was telling me how ice has been arresting minorities in minneapolis all the time and i don't remember if he said someone got killed by ice. i'm going to say straight up- if you're condoning the shit ICE is doing or if you think grump has good policies- you should just take yourselves out of my life because that may be what happens to me getting taken out of your lives because of ice.. even if fredrick just took me to get my citizenship verified but those dicks arrested abrego garcia and beat the shit outta him then they took him to an el salvador prison until he managed to get his lawyers to get him out and sued the hell outta the grump administration. amanda is a grump supporter.. probably like a lot of that side of the family which i'm ashamed of- so that's another reason why i'm moving ANYWHERE BUT THE AREA WHERE THAT DISGRACEFUL SIDE OF THE FAMILY IS- INCLUDING *YOU* MOM. i'm not kidding either. if i gotta visit the big guy upstairs to get away from that side of the family.. you better bet your ASS i WILL. got it amanda? now you can go laugh with dustin about this. no wonder why i was diagnosed with PTSD. i'm assuming my mom's mom's side of the family is responsible for a lot of this shit. to my grandma's neice calling me a "welfare rat" with her boyfriend to my grandma's nephew (her neice's brother) being a big fuckin racist honkey piece of shit. you're completely stupid and ignorant if you don't recognize why the hell my psychologist diagnosed me with PTSD. thanks a lot assholes. maybe you'll get the solution to this to just MIND YOUR OWN FUCKIN BUSINESS to clean up your identity with me and in general? i just recognized that i didn't get diagnosed with ptsd until like 23 yrs. AFTER the car accident i was in. a person would normally expect to get diagnosed with ptsd right after a traumatic car accident like the one i was in- no one really brought it up until recently when my family is trying to dictate my life to their convenience and benefit when THEY DON'T EVEN ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE WHEN THE EMERGENCY ROOM CALLS THEM and they don't keep in contact with me.. (with exception to my cousin joe, who is really actually my mom's DAD's side of the family (so my grandpa's side of the family).. my mom's MOM's side of the family all seem to feel too entitled, so they make remarks, talk about me, and laugh at me- YES. I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU- AMANDA, DUSTIN, AND THE REST OF THE IDIOTIC COUSINS ON THAT SIDE.. and NO i don't mean ALL the cousins on that side.. just the racist dicks who seem to look down on people that have it worse than them).

inappropriate laughter?

i just got back from my interview and i'd say it went well but whenever i think it went well, the people never end up calling me back- so i'm probably not the best to judge because i think so optimistically.. it's better to have your hopes up about things than be a debbie-downer about everything all the time i think. i noticed personally how their front desk workers at this particular hotel seemed so pleasant and the lady smiled at me after she told me that she'd get the woman that i was interviewing with. i'm sure if i was employed there, i'd be smiling too since i'd have something to smile about. during the conversation with the lady who was interviewing me, i made a comment about how my grandma used to always tell me to smile and sound happy and i said to my grandma that i wasn't gonna smile fakely because i didn't feel right. then the lady interviewing me said, "yeah. it's good to smile but there isn't always something to smile at." then i said, "yeah and like.. for example, a guy is telling you about how his mom died.. it doesn't seem appropriate to smile at that. haha" then she agreed with me and said, "yeah.. it'd be weird if a guy said his mom died and you just sit there smiling.." and i started cracking up laughing, i just hope she didn't take my laughter diabolically or sinister because i hope i didn't laugh too hard? i don't think so. she didn't seem to make any weird reactions to my laughing or comments at any time. the place seems like a nice environment to work at but i don't wanna get my hopes up, so i'm let down at them if they don't give me the job though. i really hope she plans to go on with the hiring process with me and hires me though because she asked me when i'd be available. gotta keep my head up.

don't act concerned for your selfish reasons.

it annoys me that people seem overly cautious when it comes to me.. i doubt they're like that with any one else. one might say it's nice they care but i think it limits my ability to do a lot of things sometimes. for instance, yesterday fredrick walked me out to the lyft vehicle (because i'm thinking he was afraid it'd be too icy) and the lyft driver assumed i needed help to walk, so he asked fredrick about who was helping me when i got to work yesterday because he couldn't help. needless to say- i got MYSELF outta the lyft vehicle and walked my own ass into the community center yesterday- WITHOUT HELP. i hope the lyft driver felt stupid. it's nice that he cares but EVERYONE assumes that shit so i wouldn't have/get to do things. i hate the dicks who just ACT like they're being "helpful" but are really only doing it so i wouldn't have to do something and they don't have to worry about me because they're SELFISH like my family (except joe) for example. if you're gonna do that shit- just mind your business and don't even pay attention to me anymore. i'm sick of your shit. they're not doing this because they're generous- just for attention- so they look "caring" and "supportive" when they're only doing it because it's convenient/beneficial for them. proof of that is the lack of care i received from my family (EXCEPT JOE, WHO DID VIDEOCALL ME ON FACEBOOK WHEN I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL HAVING SURGERY) and how i left amanda and her mom voicemails about being in the hospital and i'm pretty sure i mentioned surgery. people are probably saying, "what about her mom?!" i've tried calling my mom when i fell outta my wheelchair on the ice in burnsville's emergency room and she started crying and getting upset, IF i'm in a good enough condition to call you MYSELF.. don't you assume i'll be alright and it's NOTHING to cry about? she was obviously crying for attention. i hope no one gave her attention seeing as people could care less about me.

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?!

i was thinking to myself, wondering WHY EXACTLY dustin and amanda seem to be so damn concerned about me right now. i've gotten this damn far in life SAFELY (well.. I'M ALIVE AND AWARE ENOUGH TO KNOW WHEN PEOPLE- SUCH AS YOURSELVES ARE JUST USING ME) without the help of bigotry and ignorance- so in other words, without THEIR help. wtf is their goal other than to ruin what someone has going for them JUST to appear they actually have a fucking effect on things that DON'T CONCERN THEM? mind your fuckin business. you both think that you're smarter than i am and i'm stupid. nonono.. i HAVE left this fucking state (WISCONSIN DOESN'T COUNT EITHER) and i AM OPEN MINDED.. WHICH MAKES ME MORE INTELLIGENT THAN YOU BOTH. just mind your own fucking business. i was grumbling to myself this evening and i honestly stopped and said to myself, "I'LL JUST LET THEM. THERE'S NOTHING EITHER OF THEM CAN DO TO STOP ME." you guys should worry about yourselves because i KNOW that bigots have more problems than the normal person. i was thinking what they might make up as an excuse for their worries about me.. they might claim they're concerned that i'll have no support when i go to new york.. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DIFFERENCE FROM NOW AND IN NEW YORK OR BOSTON? IT'S NOT LIKE MY FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE.. BUT I'M POSITIVE HE'D STILL MAKE AT LEAST THE SAME EFFORT AS HE DOES NOW WHEN I'M LIVING IN BOSTON OR NEW YORK) GIVES A DAMN ABOUT ME. I'VE BEEN RUSHED TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM (ONCE FOR MY BLOCKED BOWEL AND I FORGET WHY THE OTHER TIME) AND I ATTEMPTED TO CALL AMANDA AND HER MOM (HAVING TO LEAVE VOICEMAILS BOTH TIMES) TO ABSOLUTELY NO REPLY. in fact- i'm pretty sure the last time i was in the emergency room, they gave me some caplyta because of the complaints i told their psychologist about my family keeping me in this state while NOT offering me any care or support- so THERE'S REALLY NO REASON WHY I SHOULD REMAIN IN THIS STATE. great!.. my family is the cause of me requiring anti-depressants! IF THAT ISN'T "CARE".. THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS! no support is better than the bullshit i'm forced to deal with now. at least in boston or new york- i'd be able to get care and support from strangers (which in my experience is honestly A LOT more HELPFUL). then the saying, "MISERY LOVES COMPANY." comes to mind and it all makes sense.. they're miserable and they only want company/someone else who they supposedly "care" about while completely ignoring the best interests and well-being of their relative who they supposedly "care" about. what do you dicks want anyway? i'm never going to a concert with either of you again, you don't pay attention to me other than gossiping about me (consider me a fly on the wall). i made my will and everything is going to jay if something happens to me now.. so i'm not sure what the hell you guys want exactly. you don't care about me unless there's something in it for you. shoo. shoo. i'm done with you dicks.