another one?

*claps* i THINK i scheduled an in-person interview this wednesday at victoria's secret. i'm trying to get more work experience in different areas- so i'm more qualified for more jobs. although- they may ask me if i have any retail experience and just count me out as soon as i tell them "no" like salvation army did. hopefully they confirm the interview. hopefully they don't discriminate against me either. although- i DO remember seeing a girl who was working in an electric wheelchair once a LONG time ago. probably depends on the person who interviews you for the job.
i woke up today and i got ready for my acupuncture appointment. i had assumed insurance wouldn't pay for it, so i emailed the lady who takes care of my finances and asked her how she expected for me to pay for my acupuncture if my debit card didn't have money in the account. then i called my care coordinator to see if insurance would pay for my acupuncture appointment and he reassured me that insurance pays for acupuncture. so that answered my question. when i got to acupuncture and the lady asked me what i wanted to work on, i told her that i wanted to work on my core and she started to make excuses for not wanting to work on my core. that's similar to when pro-therapy also said that she didn't wanna put me at risk by hurting my abdomen while plugging the pads into it. tram seems to be the ONLY therapist with balls to ACTUALLY HELP me. so i've run into another wall. i gotta try to figure out how i'm gonna get on the other side of it now.

ASK GOOGLE!

i asked google just now "do narcissistic mothers try to act like their daughters?" and this is how it replied:
"Yes, narcissistic mothers frequently view their daughters as either direct competition or as an extension of themselves, which often leads them to copy, mimic, or try to act like their daughters."
i originally thought my mom was just trying to act like me because grandma was dead and she didn't have anyone else to copy and she was trying to copy the most out-spoken female she personally knew. then i wondered if it may have just been because she was trying to impress my fat sister who also mimics me- so she'd seem "cool" to my sister. now i'm not really sure.. could be a mix of them all. i dislike ANYONE mimicing or copying me because it shows me how fuckin stupid i act but then i stop and realize that NONE of them have been through nearly as much shit as i have and they haven't done HALF the things i have. i believe i've shared my irritation with my therapist about this before and she didn't really understand why i had such a problem with it, she said that i should be proud of myself that someone looks up to me. like i said before- i don't like how completely stupid they make me look (i also may look that stupid normally but I DON'T NEED SOME ASSHOLES TO REMIND ME OF IT). it's just irritating that people seem to think it's easy to do what i do to be ME. which is also another reason why i wanna get the hell outta this state.. so people can't assume they talk to me or see me (support me) or get any credit for "caring" about me. they obviously ONLY care about themselves. if my mom were to REALLY act like me- SHE'D BE APPLYING TO JOBS AND VOLUNTEERING. does she do ANY of that? HELL NO. same goes for fat amy. they can't do ANYTHING i do and they're not gonna cling to me and try to make me do less so i can be as much of losers as they are.

so it's all coming clear now..

so i'm pretty sure i discovered what those idiots who stole my identity did.. i got some print-outs for my debit card account from first third bank in the mail today. i was curious to see what they bought and exactly how much they've taken from me so far. they used a lot of the same normal businesses i usually buy from- so it didn't look AS suspicious. i DID see a purchase from DOMINOS in JAMAICA, NY. so there was a flag in mind- considering i haven't been to new york in probably at least 2 or 3 years and I DON'T ORDER FROM DOMINO'S. pizza hut all the way for me. unless someone else is paying or if they have a good deal- in which case, i wouldn't spend $30 there. their pizza just isn't worth that much to me. fredrick seen some purchase labeled bikini island or some bullshit. i just seen a few NJTRANSIT NEWARK purchases also. i haven't been in newark for probably at least a year or two. so the ics worker assisted me in calling the # on the back of the card and we couldn't figure out what to do since today isn't monday through friday.. but he helped me request a new card (i'm pretty sure) and i gotta call tomorrow to get reimbursed for all these damn purchases i don't recognize. i gotta do that between my acupuncture and doctor's appointment that i have tomorrow. doesn't pay to tell my incompetent trustee about this- SHE'LL JUST TELL ME TO CALL THE NUMBER ON THE BACK OF THE CARD! oh.. i almost forgot- she'd say "YOU GOT THIS!" afterwards, of course. sounds exactly like the type of shit amanda would tell me to do.. so i'm pretty sure i know who's bright idea it was to hire her.

vote is IN!!

my spanish tutor had asked me if i voted yet during the session yesterday, i said, "i think so but i don't know where to check.." then he said, "well you can just check at city hall and if you didn't- then you can vote.." so today, fredrick took me to the library here in st. paul to vote (i assumed i was just imagining remembering voting.. plus i wanted to be sure that i DID in fact vote), i filled out the application to vote and i walked up to the voting booth table and handed the man my application to vote. he was prepared to enter in my information and then he stopped and said, "did you already vote by mail?" then i said, "oh yeah.. but i wanted to be absolutely sure my vote got in. i wasn't sure how to check." then the guy said, "well.. it said you already voted. thanks for voting!" then i said, "good. i'm glad it's in the system!" so my mail-in-ballot DID get in and i wasn't just imagining it. my memory sometimes plays tricks on me by placing false memories in my mind, so i wanted to be absolutely sure. i remember emailing amy klobuchar a few times in the past and she replied back.. so she's got my vote. if you got a problem with it- take it up with someone who actually gives a crap (not me).

so i'm slipping. i'm just bored.

i was just thinking of the time when my fat sister ran off with her boyfriend to florida and how my mom frantically called me telling me that amy ran off to FLORIDUMB with mike. i'm not sure if both of those idiots assume my sister was doing ANYTHING similar to what i've done- she was almost telling me like she was proud of her for acting like me. wtf? like i know what she'd do next and tell her, so she wouldn't be so worried or some bullshit. first of all- i'm NOWHERE near as stupid as her.. when i take risks, i always think about the possible consequences. i felt like i didn't have much to lose anyway. what my mom REALLY should've been concerned about was that BOTH of her daughters felt compelled to get away from HER. she's too stupid to take accountability for things like that.. or ANYTHING now that i think of it. i've went through TWO surgeries BECAUSE OF HER in my life. DO YOU POSSIBLY THINK THAT WE RAN AWAY BECAUSE OUR MOMMY DIDN'T GIVE US THE DESIRE TO CONTINUE WASTING OUR LIVES BY HER?! my sister threw her life away a long time ago when she decided to spread her legs and drop out of school BEFORE she even reached high school.. NEVER TO RETURN. if she really wanted my respect (i'm sure a lot of other people's too)- SHE'D BE GETTING HER GED INSTEAD OF LIVING TO GET WET OVER HER SISTER BITCHING ABOUT HER STUPIDITY ON HER BLOG. you and mom are both losers who don't have any REAL accomplishments aside from their children. the difference between your situations is just mom ACTUALLY has her diploma. THAT'S ALL. oh well. i'm gonna look on indeed now. i might think of a solution to get a job.

held hostage by incompetent excuses of "support"

i tried using my debit card and it hasn't been working for about 2 months. i emailed amy and let her know this and said i assumed it was because she put a block on my card until after i got back from mexico. she played dumb and acted like she didn't know it wasn't working properly and told me to call the # on the back of the card. i did call the number in the back of the card and they told me that it's because my account doesn't have any money in it. i emailed amy and told her and all she did was tell me to call the number on the back of the card. brian would've never pulled this shit. she's trying to take advantage of my lack of advocacy because she knows she can get away with holding my finances and make it actually look like she's actually doing her fucking job properly because i wouldn't be able to spend my money so i'd have more money. WTF is the damn point of money if you CAN'T fuckin spend it? ridiculous excuse of a trustee. LEARN HOW TO DO YOUR DAMN JOB. i'm gonna show the ics workers tomorrow about how she's keeping my own money from me and taking advantage of a vulnerable adult. everyone assumes i'm an idiot. we'll see how stupid i am after i tell people my problems and get people who will ACTUALLY HELP ME. i'm also going to look into switching the person who is my supposed other holder of my trust because they DON'T help me at all. YOU GOT THIS!.. FUCK YOU AND FUCK "THIS". MY GRANDMA IS PROBABLY ROLLING IN HER GRAVE WITH THE LACK OF HELP AND CARE YOU'VE GIVEN ME. i see you spying on me on facebook- NEWSFLASH: I'M NOT AS STUPID AS YOU. i know when people are monitoring me. IF you ACTUALLY fuckin cared and supported me- YOU'D TALK TO ME ON A NORMAL BASIS WITHOUT ME HAVING TO TELL YOU I NEED HELP OR TO BE SPOKEN TO. that's NOT how normal CARING families behave, dumbass. go stalk your other kewliez cousins with your salon friend's facebook account. "YOU GOT THIS!" if you seriously cared about me- you would know better than to assume that i don't need support or care BECAUSE YOU NEVER TALK TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE TO EVEN KNOW. you and amy seem to think you're so damn smart. i know how to deal with assholes like you guys. watch out.

a cane does not EQUAL unhelpful.

i'm not sure if i mentioned that some hotel messaged me on indeed about getting back to me when they want to interview me (so basically telling me to look forward to an email requesting an interview soon). i don't know if i recognize this hotel.. i just hope they don't discriminate against me for having a cane like most of the damn people who request in-person interviews (i was actually lucky enough to find sabathani community center who i don't remember ever feeling discriminated against). i'm pretty sure spanish has been helping me to at least understand spanish (i still have questions on how to reply all the time) but there HAS been once or twice.. maybe more when i was able to understand what a few people who called sabathani speaking spanish were saying. just gotta wait and see..

possible pathway to employment..

good news! i checked indeed today and the job which i was interested in and applied to (and i wasn't sure they'd even be interested in interviewing me because i THOUGHT i remembered interviewing there before and they told me something about the job and i said that i didn't wanna work there because of what they told me.. so i figured they'd remember my application and just toss it) ACTUALLY messaged me and asked when i was available for a phone interview next week. HOPEFULLY this ACTUALLY works for me because the schedule is perfect and i'm capable of doing all the tasks entailed in the job.
i can't find the letter that the therapist wrote yesterday when i went to pro therapy. i was gonna scan it, so i could show my care coordinator the letter. i also ABSOLUTELY need it for the appointment i have to see a doctor next month- so i can just get insurance to pay for the therapy, instead of paying outta pocket. man.. i'd lose my head if it weren't on my shoulders. i guess i'll just have to keep looking for it.
i have spanish in about 45 minutes. i enjoy learning spanish. the tutor and i figured out that i can understand spanish fine, it's just replying in spanish that i seem to have a little difficulty in. for some reason, i remember watching a movie in spanish a long time ago and understanding exactly what was going on. so i'm trying to learn the language, so i can feel more confident in replying in spanish. the trip to mexico that i'm supposed to be taking may help out with learning the language.

ayuda con el trabajo

so my job coach was SUPPOSED to come today and i called her at like 12:15ish because we were SUPPOSED to meet at 12 today. fredrick went to check if my job coach needed to be let into the apartment at about 12:10 and he claimed he didn't see anyone there but when i called her at 12:15 she CLAIMED she came and then left because she CLAIMED she left after 10 minutes of waiting there.. i somehow doubt she was there but my phone WAS on silent mode, so i didn't hear it. then she claimed she couldn't come back be cause she had other appointments to go to. i thought i had a phone interview today scheduled at 12:15 with jersey mike's but they never called. i'm not sure if the application automatically texts people that apply to jersey mike's and just tells them they want to schedule a phone interview and when can someone from jersey mike's call them but they never end up calling the person. i kinda figured that something like this would happen when they asked me to give them the best time to call them and didn't reply with a message after i told them. i also just applied to some place that is familiar and i'm not quite sure i've interviewed with them before a couple months ago- so i'm not even sure they'll even request an interview with me for some reason. i'm pretty sure it wasn't anything I did when i was interviewing with them, it feels like they told me something about the job which made me lose interest. i'm not even sure they'll request an interview now though. the job coach told me she'd just come next week now but i'm not sure i can expect her if she probably didn't even show up today- seeing as fredrick said he didn't see anyone waiting. i'm sure i'd probably be more successful if i had people who actually showed up to work all the time when working with me. fredrick is about the only worker who's dependable ALL THE TIME.

bump..

i just got back from pro therapy and the first thing i asked the therapist about was the bump on my foot. i took my shoe and sock off and she seemed kinda surprised immediately when she looked at it. then she said, "does it hurt?" then she pushed on it. it didn't hurt- so i told her, "no." then i said, "do you think it's a bunion? i know my grandpa had one and i think my mom got hers removed." then the therapist said, "no because bunions are on the SIDE and top of your foot." then she told me it must be lipoma. i'm not sure HOW or exactly WHEN i got it. so she wrote me a note with the plan for therapy and i think she mentioned something about the lipoma. it doesn't bother me or hurt- it just makes my foot resemble an alien foot. then we worked on strengthening exercises and then therapy was done. so i suppose i should call my care coordinator and ask him to make a doctor's appointment to look at my alien foot.

ALIEN FOOT!

i was reminded of the deformity on my left foot today when i was getting dressed. fredrick pointed it out a few weeks ago- i don't remember when i first noticed it. it looks like a huge growth/bump bubble on the top of my foot. it's kinda hard (but there's not a bone to it). i remember that my grandpa had bunions on his feet. he never got them removed. i'm PRETTY SURE my mom also got them but my grandma made sure my mom had them removed. so.. i just looked up bunyons on google and they said a person can get them from genetics. my foot resembles an alien's foot with bumps on it. we keep forgetting to ask the nurse who fills my anodyne machine every week to look at it but i'll HOPEFULLY remember this week. then i wondered for a milisecond if wearing my braces again would possibly make it go down but i doubt it seeing as it's on the top of my foot and my footbraces don't touch the top of my foot. i have an appointment at protherapy today in about an hour, i could ask them to look at my foot.

flight response?

i had ics today and i had my ics worker assist me in checking which housing waiting lists i'm on for champs. i could've sworn that i used to be on more when zen was helping me before, so i had her help me re-add a few of the ones i actually remembered. one of them zen claimed i was at the top of the waiting list but then i just needed to readd it.. so it's probably gonna be a little more of a delay.
i went to sabathani after i met with her and i was reading the book MY FAMILY CAN KISS MY ASS and i'm pretty sure i figured out what's going on with my mom. it warns me against adding any narcissistic family members (including my MOM) as friends or being connected with them on social media because that just gives them material to keep you in their toxicity. i de-friended my mom and sister on facebook a LONG time ago, along with a bunch of my narcissistic family members. i'm pretty sure my sister figures she can get closer to me since she stalks me and agrees with everything i say and acts like she came up with those thoughts first from the few conversations i've had with her lately (it was a long time ago and i noticed how she basically said word for word part of one of my blog entries.) newsflash tubs: get a life. i'm smarter than you and everyone else in this world thinks. don't waste your time trying to copy me when you're not willing to ACTUALLY do all of the fucking work. that includes graduating HIGH SCHOOL with HONORS and attending three different colleges and managing to get hired for jobs and volunteering at a community center for OVER a year. oh yeah.. and participating in volleyball in 9th and 10th grade, basketball in 9th grade while managing to do data entry in 9th and 10th grade. YOU CAN'T TAKE ANY SHORTCUTS. that means no weed and no alcohol.. and also!! your favorite- NO SYNTHETIC MARIJUANA. you've already failed seeing as you had a kid by 12 and i didn't lose my virginity until i was 20. TOUGH SHIT. i'm sure amanda assumes my mind will change when my mom attempts to call me (although she hasn't for a while- she probably figured out I'M NOT TALKING TO NARCISSISTIC BUMS WHO ARE STRUCK ON KEEPING ME IN THE SAME PLACE WHEN I ACTUALLY WORK TO GET MYSELF OUT OF THE HOLE THOSE ASSHOLES ARE COMFORTABLE IN- too bad because MY LIFE is NOT THEIR lives.. the fact that amanda assumes i'm stupid enough to just give up everything i've worked my ass off to get in life is just DISRESPECTFUL and it reveals how much she truly doesn't give a fuck about me. she assumes that i'm stupid and i'll just be satisfied with staying in her comfort zone so she can feel better about NOT doing what she told her aunt she'd do- she also refused to recognize my medical HISTORY and how i had TWO surgeries so far on the SAME PLACE i was KICKED by my dad when my mom put MY BODY in front of her to block him kicking HER. GOD FORBID ANYONE SAYS ANYTHING TO TRACY ABOUT THAT THOUGH! SHE'S GOT A BRAIN INJURY! SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING! heh.. well MOM.. i hate to tell you- I now have a brain injury as well.. I KNOW YOUR STUPID ASS CAN READ. IF YOU COULDN'T- YOU WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I SAY ON MY BLOG, YOU NOSEY BITCH. suck it. i've went through ENOUGH shit in my life than for you and fat amy to get in the way of where i'm going. i truly hate you both and you'll never hear me talking about your stupid asses again on here. maybe you'll get a life and actually get your fucking diploma, fatsy).
i managed to tentatively schedule a phone interview with jersey mike's and i said i'd be attending some virtual interview for a flex receptionist job tomorrow. i'm trying to keep myself as busy as i can so i don't have time to think about how much shit sucks. "Keeping yourself busy to avoid thinking about painful feelings or memories is called emotional avoidance or experiential avoidance. In psychology, this is also viewed as a "flight" response where hyper-productivity acts as a defense mechanism against stress or trauma." THANK YOU VERY MUCH GOOGLE! i have words to describe what i'm going through.