when will i see the effort?

aisha just got done helping me with my ics session this morning, we found out about acupuncture since i was recommended acupuncture by the only family member i actually trust not out to just help me at their own convenience/for their image. i need a primary care doctor to diagnose me and refer me for acupuncture in order for it to be covered by insurance. that's more work than amanda or any of my other family members (except joe) to help me with- so they just "support" me to go to courage kenny mindlessly even though i've BEEN THERE ALREADY AND THEY DIDN'T HELP ME WITH MY GOALS OF BEING AMBULATORY AND GETTING MY DRIVER'S LICENSE AGAIN. my grandma had to go out and find tram holloway to assist me with his ARP therapy- which actually got me on my feet again because even she seen COURAGE KENNY WAS NOT HELPING ME WITH SHIT. she was the only family member (except joe) that really cared about me and not how they look to other people caring about traditional methods of rehabilitation. seriously.. if any of you dicks ACTUALLY cared about me and ACTUALLY progressing with MY life to help me get to a place where I can actually be satisfied (because it IS MY LIFE! *gasp*)- you'd fuckin put the effort and care in to actually help me.. NOT BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU LOOK GOOD OR "CARING" TO YOUR SISTER-IN-LAW AND IN-LAWS.. TOTALLY IGNORING THE SHIT I'VE ALREADY DONE AND GOTTEN NOWHERE BECAUSE I HAVE A TBI- SO PEOPLE WILL JUST FIGURE I'M MENTALLY HANDICAPPED! i honestly NEVER want to talk to you again if that's your damn goal. IF YOU ACTUALLY CARED ABOUT ME- YOU'D BE DOING EVERYTHING YOU COULD TO PROVE ME WRONG BUT NOPE! *CRICKETS* you don't have time for me? I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOU EITHER. go assume you can take advantage of one of your other fuckin cousins since you obviously care more about them. I REFUSE TO BE ANYTHING LIKE MY MOM. whenever i come across decisions- i honestly do the OPPOSITE of what my mom would do and IT'S GOTTEN ME A HELL OF A LOT FURTHER IN LIFE RATHER THAN IF I'D DO WHAT THAT IDIOT DID OR WOULD DO. amanda should've just taken my grandma's lead and supported me to help me get outta this state and establish a LIFE OF MY OWN. NOW- THE LONGER I'M KEPT FROM BEING WHERE I ACTUALLY WANT TO BE.. THE MORE SHIT I'LL MAKE SURE MY FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE AND JAY) GOES THROUGH. courage kenny should get in trouble for GASLIGHTING me because their stupid asses erased ALL of my history with them. i'm sure it's because they have hopes in me wasting more of my fucking time doing shit i've already done because they're too useless of a facility to actually get people to think they're helpful and go to their pointless ass sorry excuse facilities.

ocupada!

this morning i got a text message from a hotel asking when i'm available for an interview.. i looked at my calendar and i gotta squeeze them in tomorrow in the morning before i go to sabathani. i'm not really sure what interests employers to hire people. i'll just have to keep doing what i'm doing- eventually someone will wanna give me a shot. i just looked at my calendar and i have an interview scheduled on every day of this week so far, except for friday when i have spanish. i guess this might be further evidence that employers tend to discriminate against disabled workers.. i have work experience and college experience- employers aren't interested in hiring me for some reason. there may be more qualified workers sometimes but after a while- you really start to get suspicious. i'm DONE with mindlessly going to courage kenny- getting ABSOLUTELY NOTHING DONE and just being treated like i'm dispensable. just because i made one mistake in my life does NOT mean i should be fucked for the rest of it. i'm not even entertaining the thought of anything other than my goals anymore. JUST SETTLING has gotten me absolutely NOWHERE and i'm put on this damn Earth for more than making some egotistical-negative-selfish people look GOOD.. so in other words- i was put on this Earth for more than making my family (except joe and jay) look good. they are the number one reason why i wanna get out of this state. that and there's more opportunities other places to help me be successful. the fact that my family refuses to acknowledge the fact that i want more with my life other than to make them look good is pretty damn sad. they need ME to make THEM look like good people. ridiculous. they're too stupid to realize how stupid and sad that really is. go to church. maybe you'll find a purpose in life other than attempting to falsely make it appear like you're "caring" or wtf else bullshit you're aiming for.

remembering phil

i woke up today, got ready for the day and had ics in the morning. then i had some lunch and fredrick brought me to central honors philando at the fairgrounds (i'm pretty sure anyway, it's just down the same street from the apartment i used to live at right before the one i am living in now). i had a good time as usual, although i always feel like i never help enough.. i'm pretty sure that valerie (philando's mom) appreciated me just being there though. she recognized me right away. so that felt good to at least be relevant enough in someone's memory that i'm pretty sure the only time i really see her is when i volunteer for her son's memorial. she has the spirit of all mothers who've had sons murdered and fights hard for her son's memory. she has the fighting spirit of christina wells wonsley.. they both are fighting for the murders of their sons. valerie's outcome has already happened but she also has to deal with the loss of her own son. i can remember my grandma telling me how she never thought she'd have to bury a son (when my uncle todd died) and she was all depressed. then my uncle troy found out he had throat cancer and she was already depressed about my other uncle dying, so she told me that she didn't wanna bury two sons. well- she died before troy did.. so she didn't have to bury TWO sons. it must be hard as hell to bury your own kid (that IS of course- if you ACTUALLY CARE about them.. and i don't mean at your convenience or for attention, mom). it's great that valerie actually cares about her son (on the other hand) enough to make a memorial scholarship in his memory to help another person through school. must be nice to have parents who actually care about you. that does not mean for my mom to act clingy and obsessive with me- CARE requires TIME AND ACTUAL LOVE AND RESPECT FOR A PERSON.. if she actually cared about me- SHE'D BE SUPPORTIVE OF MY GOALS AND NOT JUST ACT LIKE SHE CARES FOR ATTENTION. she obviously doesn't care because IF she DID actually care- I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO HAVE TWO SURGERIES ON MY BOWEL AS A RESULT OF HER USING ME AS A SHIELD WHEN MY DAD WAS KICKING HER. my dreams and surgeries show not only her negligence but also her SELFISHNESS as a parent. she's never denied using me as a shield TO MY FACE (i'm sure her stupid ass lies to people denying she used me as a shield though), i'm not sure if it's because she's ashamed of herself (but that would require the mother from hell to actually have a heart.. so that probably isn't it) or because i refuse to talk to her selfish, entitled ass. so she lies to her stupid flying monkey nieces and whines to them.. THAT AIN'T GONNA GET ME TO TALK TO YOUR DUMB ASS. THAT'S NOT GONNA SOLVE SHIT. she's too stupid to understand that though.. she's used to people thinking she has a mental disability and giving her everything she wants. not gonna happen here. you've cost me WAY too much pain to let shit slide. we may never speak again, considering she can't even apologize to me. it wouldn't be genuine now anyway. BUH-BYE. people wonder why i've been through all the shit i've been through- LOOK AT WHERE I CAME FROM. honestly. i understand why i was diagnosed with PTSD.

GO AWAY BEFORE YOU GET RAN OVER.

the nurse who fills my anodyne machine came to my place this morning to fill my anodyne machine with the medication that the gynocologist who gave me my last pap smear prescribed me for the std i was told i had. she's seen the person who gave it to me at my apartment before and she asked me if i told him, i said, "well.. i tried to call him and message him on facebook and through text message and he still hasn't responded." then she shrugged her shoulders and said, "OH WELL! at least YOU are getting the proper treatment for it!" then i said, "yeah.. i tried to tell him. i did everything i could and i'm pretty sure he's the one who gave it to me since he's been the only one i've been with lately." ah well, i read and i hope i'm remembering right that after i take this treatment, it should go away in a few weeks. the pills taste nasty and they disolve in my mouth almost right away, so i gotta drink water quickly after the pill is in my mouth. it seems kinda weird that i can't see him anywhere and everytime i call the number i have on my phone- it says it's disconnected. ah well- i just gotta remove his presence from my memory considering he's not trying to talk to me after i was bitching about how i didn't wanna get up so late because i was volunteering somewhere the next day and he KNOWS i volunteer there and when. i just hope nothing bad happened to him.
my finger doesn't hurt anymore really but that big bump on the side of it is still there- so i've been icing it for 30 minutes while elevating it.. i think the doctor said to contact this specialist if the swelling doesn't go down by monday.
i've been thinking exactly why the fuck my mom is so damn convinced she can have any sort of affect on where i go. she never used to give a shit- she used to say, "I DON'T CARE IF YOU WANT TO MOVE TO NEW YORK! IT'S YOUR LIFE! LIVE IT HOW YOU WANT!".. then fat amy and her flying monkey niece came around and they seem to think that someone that comes from the same place as them and went through HELL just to get here- that person should stay here because misery loves company and wtf gives me the right to live life the way i busted my ass off in college, rehab., and jobs (ALL OF THAT WITH A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY)?! THEY THINK THAT I BELONG ON THEIR LEVEL BECAUSE THEY FIND IT TOO FUCKING INCONVENIENT TO WORK AT THEIR OWN ABILITY WHEN THEY CAN JUST CLING TO PEOPLE ACTUALLY TRYING TO MAKE THEIR LIVES BETTER!.. and spread their legs and have babies by men who make them welfare dependant. the day you assholes LIVE through SIX months in a coma and at least 20 years wheelchair dependant because your family likes the attention they get from having a HANDICAPPED RELATIVE- then maybe you can tell me exactly where the fuck i go. i didn't bust my ass off in rehab., college, and a few jobs JUST to remain depending on SOCIAL SECURITY for my uncaring, naive family's convenience. EVERY DAMN NIGHT DURING THE END OF MY GRANDMA'S LIFE, SHE USED TO SAY, "WHEN I'M GONE- AMANDA WILL GET YOU TO NEW YORK!" am i in new york? no.. EXACTLY ELEVEN YEARS AGO- SHE DIED TODAY. BECAUSE AMANDA COULD GIVE A SHIT LESS ABOUT ME OR HER CRAZY OLD AUNT! that's the translation i get from this. "YOU GOT THIS!".. no the fuck i don't. you're an idiot if you can't recognize that after eleven fucking years (i actually have a funeral announcement of her's and it says she died EXACTLY 11 years ago today on it) of not moving from this state- you still can't realize I DON'T HAVE THIS. you're definitely NOT as smart as my grandma thought you were. thanks. you've shown me exactly how much people could care less about me. and have just proved EXACTLY why i have absolutely NO desire to remain in this opportunity-less place where only my mom is happy because she can get away with being responsible for hurting her kids while playing victim AS USUAL. people wonder why i do half the shit i do- BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE. i can't even get to a place where i'm truly satisfied to build because it's too fucking inconvenient for people who couldn't give a fuck about me- they just care that they look "loving" and "caring" to others. WELL YOU'RE NOT. HAVE A FUN TIME IN HELL. yes. i mean that with all the heart that i have left. fuck you all. selfish pricks. my stupid mom, her flying monkey nieces, and fat amy. along with all you other assholes who can help me but it's too fucking inconvenient for you to care.
i'm volunteering for a memorial in tribute to philando castile tomorrow. it'll be fun. i always have fun volunteering for this. at least THAT should cheer me up tomorrow- being in a place where i actually feel useful- that's diverse and a positive happy experience. i'm making the best in this opportunity-less environment, staying as FAR AWAY from ignorant, negative pricks (that includes my racist family members who can't even answer the phone when i call them in the emergency room- I COULD BE DEAD.. if you didn't wanna fuckin take the responsibility of advocating and ACTUALLY HELPING me- you shouldn't have lied to your aunt about it). i find more opportunities the more diverse and accepting the environment is.. IMAGINE THAT! exactly why my mom will never come across opportunity because she's ignorant and she feels entitled. which IS why she's stayed in relatively the same place her whole damn miserable life. same goes for the rest of my ignorant ass family members. God made everyone different for a REASON! go back to sunday school, jerks. Jesus was BLACK. you can't honestly tell me that a man born in the MIDDLE EAST is a WHITE man and expect me to believe you. i remember watching specials on this at night on A&E and they concluded he was BLACK. yes mom- that means the man on the cross that you wear around your neck was BLACK. deal with it.

hopefully this is gone SOON.

i forgot if i mentioned this, i don't see it in the last post though- i spoke with the nurse who fills my anodyne machine and i told her that i got the medicine the doctors just prescribed for that std.. she said, "oh! i hear that's going around minneapolis!" number one- i don't know HOW she just heard about this.. i kinda doubt it's from anyone she normally hangs around or anything. number two- she told me to make sure that my partner knows about this, so he can get treated and we don't just pass it back and forth between each other and i WOULD if i could ACTUALLY get ahold of him. she's luckily gonna come fill my anodyne machine tomorrow with it.. so hopefully i'll get rid of this shit. i suppose it would make sense if he's screwing around with people, then he has me on the side, seeing as he IS living in minneapolis. i also remember finding the name of some girl and her phone number on a little piece of paper folded up in my couch a while ago after he slept on my couch the night before- i just assumed it was one of the ics workers' numbers that works in this apartment. now i'm wondering if he's screwing around.. he's not getting any if he doesn't prove to me that he got treated and i'm not even sure he'll talk to me again- seeing as everything i've tried to contact him on doesn't work since monday when he has knowledge that i want to try to get as much sleep as possible and he knocked on my window to get my attention so i'd let him in but i must've been bitching so loud about not wanting to get up because i was going to sabathani the next day- so when i finally went to the front door, no one was there, and i didn't wanna wake up so i'm not a tired bitch when i volunteer. although- i don't honestly see all the symptoms of the particular std i was told i had by the nurse earlier this week.. might be my good hygeine but i don't notice all of the symptoms honestly.

ANOTHER *CROOKED* finger?!

fredrick took me to urgent care for my finger today. i expected it to be a longer wait but it actually wasn't too bad, in my opinion. the doctor that seen me asked me what happened and i told her that i lost balance yesterday while i was getting off my couch and fell on my finger, while falling back on the couch and i had HOPED the swelling would go down by today and i slept with ice on it and everything and i woke up with this big bump on the side of my finger. they gave me a splint for my finger and said she'd give me a specialist's card if the swelling doesn't go down by monday. they took x-rays of my finger and it didn't show that it was broken. so that's good. it's the finger next to the finger i broke when i was in a car accident that those dumbasses in buffalo's hospital set wrong, so that finger is crooked now- but i think they told me i could pay a bunch of money to get it straight!.. i think not. it works just as well as a straight finger and doesn't inconvenience me really. so now i'm stuck with TWO fucked up fingers on my left hand! i suppose it's probably a good thing i'm right handed.. even though i can write with both (i pretty much had to learn how to write with my left hand after the car accident i was in, since the left side of my brain mainly got injured- so it affected the right side of my body). the doctor told me to elevate and ice it like 5 times a day for a half an hour. hopefully this will help because i really don't want to have two fucked up fingers- they're right next to each other too (my pointer finger is already bent from the car accident and i messed up my middle finger last night). just another exciting day in my life. what'dya do? *rolls eyes* just adapt and keep it movin. take it like a g.

IT'S A MATTER OF *PRINCIPLES*.

i had two interviews today. one was this morning and it went okay, i don't remember making any mistakes during the interview, then i just had another one at a hotel the lyft driver couldn't find until he asked someone where we were and i told him the address i had in my cell phone which apparently was different than what the lyft driver had in his computer. so i got there like 5 minutes late but the person who interviewed me didn't say anything about my tardiness because i told him that the lyft driver had to stop and ask someone questions. the second interview went well also, i didn't make any mistakes but i'm not sure i really stand out to interviewers- so they don't even bother considering me. ah well. just gonna have to keep trying.
i was thinking on my way back from my interview about how my mom or any of my other family really don't seem interested in any jobs i get or interviews. my mom has went outta her way to tell me on the phone about my brother working different jobs- so she at least pays attention to how he works. she's mentioned my sister working for my grandma's brother a few times also. i'm not sure if she's aware of the fact that I am NOT here, on this Earth, to make others feel better about their situations. i did NOT start out with a brain injury and so i'm definitely NOT gonna just do what's CONVENIENT for others (who don't have to deal with the circumstances of my choices). SO GET THAT FUCKIN IDEA OUT OF YOUR HEAD, AMANDA AND MOM. grandma foolishly had confidence in amanda ACTUALLY HELPING ME TO LIVE MY LIFE THE WAY I WANT BECAUSE SHE WAS AWARE THAT SHE DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT HOW TO GET CERTAIN OPPORTUNITIES THAT I WANT. tell yourself whatever the fuck you want about how my grandma knew what she was doing- so she purposely didn't help me. SHE WAS AWARE THAT SHE WAS NAIVE WHEN IT CAME TO HOW THINGS ARE THESE DAYS AND SHE DIDN'T WANNA PUT ONE OF THE PEOPLE SHE CARED ABOUT MOST IN A BAD LIVING SITUATION INTENTIONALLY. the fact that you're too fuckin selfish and careless does NOT help me at all. having a disrespectful, intentionally negligent family does NOT help my life.. ESPECIALLY with a traumatic brain injury. it's really no wonder why most people with tbi's get ptsd after their accidents and not FROM them. so it just reveals exactly how uncaring amanda and my grandma really are. i'll never forgive any of you and that includes my mom who has used me as a damn HUMAN SHIELD while being kicked by my dad when i was younger.. so far- my family is responsible for my PTSD which DOES actually affect me during my rehabilitation and health and *GASP* that MUST be one of the reasons why i've never had the desire to stay around where i lived.. because deep down- i KNEW something would happen to me to reveal exactly how much my family and other people around this state doesn't care about me. if they really gave a shit- THEY'D CHANGE HOW MUCH SUPPORT AND CARE THEY'VE SHOWN ME. NOPE! THEREFORE THEY DO NOT CARE FOR ME AND I'M JUST SEEN TO MAKE THEM FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEIR LIVES. i'm obviously capable of more than remaining where i am settling for depending on ssi because that's more convenient for my family so they don't have to support me in any other way even though they have the knowledge that NO ONE who really pays disabled workers decently! that's also why amanda just assumes that i'm better off since minnesota supposedly pays the most for ssi- maybe to careless, entitled people who don't care enough to consider COST OF LIVING IS MORE IN OTHER AREAS BECAUSE THEY HAVE MORE OPPORTUNITIES AND BENEFITS THAN HERE- SO THEREFORE THEY PAY MORE. i can only really count on my cousin joe to agree with this and my obsessed sister who thinks because she reads my blog- SHE'LL MAGICALLY TURN INTO ME!.. gotta do the work, chubs. I'M NOT PUT ON THIS FUCKING PLANET TO MAKE ANYONE FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEIR LIVES. go fuck yourself if you think differently. YOU GOT THIS!

possibility?

i just spoke to a man about an office administrator job on the phone. he was nice and he explained what the person who would be working the job would be doing and asked my job experience. i'm pretty sure i confused him with my minnesotan accent because he was probably expecting a mexican twang to my voice/pronunciation which mexican people seem to have with their accents. he asked me where i was from and i said, "well.. i was born in mexico.. then like a month or so later- my mom brought me with her back to minnesota where she was from." then he said, "oh. i'll call you for an in-person meeting later.. how should i communicate with you? through email.. indeed?" then i said, "email might be best because i'm not sure i return my text messages right away.. also indeed." so i'm pretty sure i scored an in-person interview after this phone interview! he seemed interested in hiring me.. well, from my opinion anyway. he may come across other candidates though because like i said before, i'm not sure i put much of a relevance to people. ah well- all i can do is think optimistically because thinking negatively really won't get me anywhere.
i found out some more bad news.. the clinic called me and said they found something during my last pap smear but they want me to take this medicine they sent over to the pharmacy and they'll test me again next month. it irritates me because i can't even get ahold of pretty near the only person i slept with lately (since they DID tell me to tell my partner about the diagnosis). i tried calling him and it says that the number no longer works, i tried messaging him on facebook and it says "Can't deliver. User unavailable.". so at least i tried to tell him. he CLAIMED that he was crying to his mom when he found out he got hpv (i even suggested a condom).. so i'm not sure if he's just full of shit, trying to make me feel guilty for something that may not have been something new to him. i can't get ahold of him now though.. so it's not like i didn't try to tell him of something he may have been aware of in the first place. and just making me nasty.. so i gotta take all this medicine to cure it. oh well.. i tried.

another interview..

i woke up today and got ready, ate breakfast, then waited for the person from the hotel i was supposed to have a phone interview with. after about 10 minutes i just decided to call the hotel myself- the lady who was going to be conducting the interview answered the phone. she told me she was just about to call me and she had to get to her office, so she'd call me back in a few minutes. i waited a few minutes, then she called me. i asked her about training after she told me which days they were looking to hire for (the hours are perfect since i don't really have anything else to do in my life). she asked me if i had any experience in working in a hotel and i said, "well.. no but i think it was a hilton who had planned to hire me but i quit during training because the guy training me in was gossiping about me to the front desk girls. he said while he was training me, "i don't know how they expect me to train her- LOOK AT HER!". i just remembered that i forgot to tell her that he was training me in for a job that i wasn't even interviewing for. the woman who was hiring me, wanted me to have a job at the hotel and she CLAIMED that the front desk position was filled (which the girls who worked the front desk told me was untrue)- so she attempted to hire me for the breakfast attendant position. i did everything the guy training me in asked me to do except when it came to carrying this heavy jug of liquid- i couldn't do it and i didn't wanna get hurt in training, so i asked the guy for help which is probably why he said, "LOOK AT HER!". i realized that i shouldn't have quit during training, i should've just told the lady who hired me that he was gossiping about me while training me and i didn't feel comfortable. then after i told her all of this, the lady interviewing me today said that i was actually her first interview and she'd get back to me in like a week or so. i said, "oh well.. i hope you don't forget about me." because i'm not sure i make a relevant experience for people to remember me to hire me. i probably made the mistake about telling her about how i quit during training, so she might just assume i'm not dependant or somthing. although i DID tell her about the guy training me gossiping to the front desk girls, which she said wasn't professional.. i also hope she doesn't go by what that guy training me was saying when he said, "LOOK AT HER!" and assume i'm completely incompetent and unable to work the job. she might though.. considering i forgot to tell her that he was training me in for a completely different position than what i interviewed for. i need to eat and go to sabathani this afternoon.