another interview

i just got back from my interview at like 1 or so (i forgot the exact time). the interview went good- but i say that about all my interviews for the most part. i don't remember saying anything wrong, although i DID have the opportunity to do so when she asked me what would prevent me from doing a good job at this job. i don't remember my response- so she obviously didn't think it was too bad because i don't remember her reaction (if it was bad- i know i'd remember). the only question i'm not clear on if i answered correctly was when she asked me what i'd do if someone was giving me a hard time at the front desk- i know i said that i'd tell them to calm down but i don't remember exactly what else i said. i'm pretty sure i said, "if they didn't calm down, i'd see if there was someone else around to help me." i don't remember if i said i'd try to find a way to solve their problem or if i just jumped to, "if they didn't calm down, i'd see if there was someone else around to help me." other than that question- i brought the questions that me and my job coach came up with to ask.. she didn't seem too uninterested in hiring me. so hopefully that's a good thing. i was pretty punctual- even though i put the wrong numbers in the address and the lyft driver LUCKILY caught it when we arrived to the wrong address and he LUCKILY just re-routed to the correct address which i found and i'm not sure why the wrong numbers were entered in the destination. ah well. at least everything worked out and i wasn't too late. while we were driving in minneapolis, i observed the tents under a bridge where people were living. i honestly have had a dream in the past where i was living in a tent under the bridge because i had got kicked outta my apartment. i also just read yesterday about something with the homeless camps in minneapolis- grump is trying to put a stop to them i think and wants to institutionalize those people. grump should be institutionalized IF ANYONE, the unempathetic fat fuck. what? is he afraid that his incompetence to do his job PROPERLY and make sure his citizens of the country he presides ARE NOT HOMELESS AND DYING will be publicized? that ship has sailed. shit happens. don't get cocky. him and all the other UNEMPATHETIC people will FIND OUT personally and they'll SEE. i know from experience and family does NOT help for shit. which is so unlike what my grandma tried to tell me. she was so naive. mucho gracias goes to her unempathetic niece who is just naive as her, if not more, who helped make this evident to me.

they gave me no reason to want to continue at their sorry excuse of a "facility"

i have an interview in about 20 minutes. i wanted to express my frustration about how when i went to courage kenny- people REFUSED to acknowledge it.. so it was basically like i was working hard in rehab. FOR NOTHING. it doesn't surpise me that my family refuses to recognize EVERYTHING i've been through because IF they REALLY cared about me.. THEY'D WORK ON ACTUALLY HAVING ME PROGRESS IN LIFE. the fact that courage kenny themselves refuse to give me credit for what i've ALREADY done doesn't give me the desire to continue going there OR wasting my time in this particular state because i don't get help or happiness doing anything else in this state (with exception to working the 2 hours i volunteer at sabathani on tuesday). IT JUST SHOWS ME THE LACK OF CARE I RECEIVE FROM MY FAMILY FOR NOT SPEAKING UP FOR ME AND HELPING ME BECOME ACTUALLY USEFUL AND CONSTRUCTIVE.. I BLAME AMANDA- SINCE MY GRANDMA ALWAYS USED TO SAY HOW SHE WAS TAKING HER PLACE IN BEING MY ADVOCATE. IF i actually get ahold of her- ALL i get from her is empty encouragement by her saying, "YOU GOT THIS!" to me. my psychologist asked me if amanda ever spent time with people with traumatic brain injuries before and i said, "no. it doesn't seem like it either." AMANDA IS LIKE A BIG OL' HOLE TO MY LIFE. if you didn't wanna take my grandma's place as an advocate- YOU DHOULD'VE SAID IT WHEN SHE ASKED. YOU GOT THIS!

no recognition.. no surprise..

i was also thinking about how i do my stretches (range of motion exercises at my counter EVERY DAY in my kitchen and range of motion exercises EVERY NIGHT) and i also walk up and down the hallway of this apartment on my floor for 15 minutes EVERY DAY and how amanda and everyone else refuses to give me credit for that or take that into consideration. IF i didn't stay active- i KNOW that i'd be getting hurt MORE and have to be hauled off to a nursing home by now. i'm expected not to work on being an actual productive piece of this society JUST because i'm disabled with a traumatic brain injury FOR THE CONVENIENCE OF ALL MY SORRY EXCUSE OF A "LOVING" FAMILY (except joe and jay aren't sorry excuses).. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY WORK WITH ACCOMODATIONS TO HELP THEM ACTUALLY BE A PRODUCTIVE PIECE OF THIS SOCIETY SO THEY CAN ACTUALLY WORK JOBS (and i'm not talking those remedial jobs of putting cardboard boxes together or something my living room wall could do). when i was in the car accident i was in, i basically died because now EVERYONE looks at what they don't have time to consider that i have the ability to do and just assumes i can't do them because IT'S FASTER AND EASIER FOR THEM TO DO IT THEIRSELVES SINCE I AM TOO DISABLED TO DO EVERYTHING! i just got the opportunity to actually help myself look more constructive and useful when i started working at sabathani community center. they didn't go assuming i was too disabled or stupid to ACTUALLY HELP people. the hours that i volunteer there have been cut to just one day now though (i'm assuming it's because they wanna give more people the opportunity to volunteer). i'd also like to be compensated so i can actually put a working job on my resume but volunteering is better than nothing. i read over the job description of the job i'm interviewing for tomorrow a few times, hopefully that helps me with the interview tomorrow.

dragging ass coming to an end.. HOPEFULLY.

well.. my nurse came today to fill my anodyne machine and i ACTUALLY had concerta- so she filled it with concerta in the morning. i haven't had any in what feels like almost a month because they CLAIM fredrick didn't pick it up but i distinctly remember fredrick bringing me the other meds when he'd go and pick them up for me. at least i'll feel a little more energetic since i've been dragging ass for the last month or so because i haven't had any in addition to having a broken cpap, so i also haven't got more than about 4 hrs. of sleep. i'm honestly thinking of the cause of my apnea- paired up with a side effect to the surgeries i've had on my palate (i remember reading how i might develop apnea after the surgery) is the second-hand smoke from my grandparents and mom. that's just one more reason why i hate being my mom's child. not only is she a narcissist who used me as a shield when my dad was kicking her, she smoked like a chimney when i was growing up and around her. WHO WOULDN'T LIKE HAVING HER AS A MOM WHEN SHE ACTS LIKE THAT?! HAH! ONLY ANYONE WITH AN ACTUAL WORKING BRAIN WITH INTELLIGENCE. i've gotta be damned with having her as a mother. plus, she acts like she cares about me just to convince amanda that she shouldn't help me move because she "cares" so much about me (for attention from other people because no one gives a damn about only her). stupid people have an odd way of showing affection. so HOPEFULLY i'll have more energy for the interview since my stupid ass cpap that i've built a dependency on the stupid cpap to assist me sleeping- so now that it doesn't work for me, it takes me at least 2 hours to fall asleep naturally, seeing as the ground HAS been shifting every now and then for me now (i'm pretty sure this happens whenever i might have a seizure- so that's not good, although i can't really remember exactly because i haven't had a seizure in probably at least 15 years).
i have my interview tomorrow and i'm really hoping something actually starts working out for me since this is a job i really wouldn't mind working and the kind of job i'm actually looking to get more experience in hospitality- even though i'm pretty sure it takes hospitality to volunteer at sabathani- so hopefully that's an advantage for me and makes me more qualified. i like working jobs where i actually have a purpose to working the job and where i'm actually helping people. i'm already qualified for this front desk job at the hotel because i was SUPPOSED to work the front deak at some hilton which hired me but i ended up quitting while in training because the man who was training me at the time was talking about me to the front desk girls and he said, "I DON'T SEE WHY SHE TOLD ME TO TRAIN HER. I MEAN- LOOK AT HER." i really should've told the lady who hired me about him gossiping to other people but i figured they might take his side because of senority (he mentioned he worked there for like 10 years or something like that when he was training me). ah well.. hopefully i find a job which actually pays me for my work, so i'll look more qualified and have it on my resume- even though i'm pretty sure volunteering at sabathani makes me look more qualified since i only really started getting jobs actually interested in hiring me since i started volunteering there. i'm glad someone actually gives me the opportunity to volunteer there because most people assume i'm too disabled to do anything because it's easier and faster to just assume that i can't help. WHICH IS ACTUALLY BETTER THAN BEING UNDERESTIMATED AT SOME SORRY EXCUSE OF A "REHABILITATION INSTITUTION" WHICH IS ONLY WILLING TO HELP PEOPLE THAT ADVOCATE FOR THEM AND JERK THEM OFF (JUST TO MAKE THEIR FAMILIES LOOK "CARING" WHEN THEY IN NO WAY ARE HELPFUL SEEING AS THEY CAN'T EVEN ANSWER THE PHONE WHEN THE EMERGENCY ROOM CALLS THEM AND THEY CAN'T EVEN DO WHAT THEY TOLD THEIR DECEASED AUNT THEY'D DO).

hopefully this goes better than the previous ones

i got up and got ready for the day, did my exercises and then fredrick and i went to abercrombie and fitch to get the order i ordered online. we found out that we were a day late, so they sent it back. although- i'm pretty sure i'm wearing the pants that i ordered in that same order right now and i mistakenly ordered another pair.. so i don't really think it was much of a loss (seeing as they did refund me fully when i didn't pick up the order from yesterday). some lady from a hotel called me and told me she wanted to interview me to work a position at a hotel today like right before fredrick and i left for abercrombie. so after i got back, i ate lunch and went to sabathani. i emailed the lady and asked her if the interview she requested from me was a microsoft teams interview (because she sent me an invite using microsoft teams) or if it was an in-person interview because the subject of the email and microsoft teams interview was "in-person interview". she replied when i got back from sabathani (or that was when i viewed it anyway) and she said it was at the hotel, in person and she just messed up sending me a microsoft teams invitation. so i got another in-person interview for a hotel.. i'll mentally try to prepare myself to avoid saying and doing the wrong thing. i will also review the job description a few times tomorrow before the interview. i don't know of anything else i need to do to prepare. *GASP* i AM capable of doing more than mindlessly hauling my ass to a sad excuse of a "rehab institute" because people are ACTUALLY interested in hiring me, so they take the iniative to schedule IN-PERSON INTERVIEWS WITH ME, AMANDA AND MOM! if you guys REALLY cared about me as much as you try to make it seem to other people- YOU'D BE ENCOURAGING OF MY GOALS. this was one of the reasons why i ran off to new york when i was 15- i assumed my family wouldn't be helpful/supportive of my goal- so i took the iniative MYSELF and found the first exit i could (tim didn't live in the area of new york i had truly wanted but it was a fast way to get closer to my goal of living where I wanted- SO I TOOK IT). not like i had caring family who REALLY CARED anyway! things haven't changed but i have more experiences in life to know what to avoid doing compared to when i was 16. SO LET'S NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE JACKASS FAMILY MEMBERS. stop with the fake concern bullshit just to appear "caring" to everyone else- YOU CAN'T EVEN ANSWER THE PHONE FOR ME IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM. I GAVE UP CALLING MY MOM BECAUSE SHE GETS HYSTERICAL AND ACTS LIKE THE WORLD IS ENDING WHICH DOESN'T HELP THINGS. my grandma must've assumed shit like this would happen, so she put her reliable niece in her spot to handle emergencies.. proves how naive she was.

*ACTUALLY* "CARING" does *NOT* deal with *just* when it's *CONVENIENT* for *YOU*!

i had a phone interview this morning about 20 minutes ago. it went alright even though i'm not positive i really sounded happy while doing the interview, i compared my voice to the lady who was interviewing me and she sounded more peppy and happy.. so hopefully she doesn't use it against me.
i was thinking today while laying in bed about how i called my great aunt and told her i want to take a trip to mexico for my birthday and it felt like she wasn't encouraging it because how my dad was killed there. i went through this a million times- there's a NEW PRESIDENT there and she even got the country UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE so the citizens aren't screwed when they're sick or injured. IF my family cared so much about my well-being, they WOULD be more concerned about me sleeping healthily because i've said it on my blog a million times about how i don't get sleep because my damn cpap isn't working before me wanting to actually have fun for once on my FORTIETH BIRTHDAY. just proof that they don't REALLY care about me- they care about how it looks to other people like they're an actual concerned family.. TELL ME- THE PAST THREE TIMES I CALLED AMANDA WHEN I WENT TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.. DID SHE ANSWER THE PHONE?! HELL NO. maybe debbie should be more concerned about how her own daughter doesn't care about her cousin. oh wait.. that'd be too constructive. my family doesn't understand that. except joe- who's actually answered the phone and was HELPFUL. amanda just wants me to go to courage kenny because her kewliez sister-in-law works there and that'd make her appear "caring" which she is NOT at all. IF she cared so damn much, she'd have the knowledge that i've ALREADY attended that sorry excuse of a "rehab institute" and got absolutely NOTHING done because i lacked advocacy to jerk them off and make them appear helpful to other people. my grandma told me that i'd be DONE attending courage kenny when she died because "AMANDA WILL HAVE YOU IN NEW YORK!" *yawn* just an example of the LACK of care amanda has for her aunt. she makes her appear as an over-confident naive uncaring liar. TALK ABOUT LOVE! would a grandma who TRULY cared about her granddaughter want her granddaughter to throw away EVERYTHING she worked her ass off to get JUST to make her family members appear "caring"?! i think not. she was just naive and aware of her lack of knowledge and wanted to make sure i was 100% safe when moving to a completely different state independently, so she foolishly put confidence in someone JUST as naive as her (if not more) to assist me because she assumed she actually CARED about me. now i'm left without plans for my FORTIETH birthday.. i'm going to the strip club with doug if amy doesn't actually give me a safe alternative to mexico. my grandma used to always say that the trustee didn't know how to do their job if they said i couldn't afford it and she's correct. i've looked at the recent reports of how much money my trust was making and spending and there's MORE than enough for a trip to mexico- because doug and i DID look up how much flights costed. SHE'S TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY LACK OF ADVOCACY JUST TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE SHE'S ACTUALLY FUCKIN DOING HER JOB. i'm calling the manager of the bank and demanding a new trustee who ACTUALLY does her damn job, i'm also going to file a complaint on her.

when will it end?

i was just thinking while sitting on my couch this morning, i wonder if people are deliberately trying to refuse to give me the resources i need to sleep fully, so i'm rested and i don't have a seizure and/or feel lightheaded when i'm walking. my stupid cpap isn't working at all AND i haven't had concerta in at least 3 weeks (my grandma used to make sure i ALWAYS had my concerta when she was alive CAN'T DEPEND ON AMANDA TO CARE LIKE THAT- she can't even assist me in the way she told my grandma she would). ah well- if a seizure doesn't kill me, then maybe i'll stop breathing while sleeping (which i've been told by a lot of people i tend to do while sleeping). JUST A MATTER OF TIME! for example, i remember when i was sleeping at my grandma's house once and she woke me up, shaking me hysterically because she claimed i stopped breathing.

*GASP* i'm NOT too stupid to recognize when people AREN'T doing their jobs *PROPERLY*!

fredrick and i went to the bank today to open up an account to put my renter's refund check in since i'm convinced amy makes herself look like she's actually doing her job by using my benefits and money i earn outside of my trust to insinuate she's actually doing her job. i remember brian used to invest my money, along with my trustee before when my grandma was still alive- dirk (i seen the reports). amy also puts a stop on how i want to use my money- like buying myself a vehicle and taking a trip to mexico for my fortieth birthday. i'm also convinced that she purposely says i can't use my money how i want, so it looks like she's actually doing her job thoroughly. brian used to let me take a trip EVERY year and he never objected to it at all, while still allowing me to spend my money how i wanted. maybe because he was ACTUALLY making me money in my trust and didn't have to worry about losing money because he ACTUALLY did his damn job?! *gasp* you're not showing your dominance by preventing me from using MY money the way I want. get the fuck over yourself and learn how to do your damn job correctly.

people judging that i'm STUPIDER and more GULLIBLE than i really am! WHAT A SURPRISE.

alright.. when i was showering just now i thought of a conversation i had with amanda's mom when i called her last week i think, she said to me, "i don't know if mexico is safe.. you heard about your dad, right?" then i said, "yeah i know. he's dead." then she said, "well your dad is dead.. i don't see why you wanna go there.." and i said, "i wanna see where i was born." then she said, "oh." she said that all to me as if she was talking to my mom, thinking she'd scare me because she's assuming i'm gullible and easily scared like my mom. there is a DIFFERENT PRESIDENT in mexico from when my dad was killed. i'm assuming it's 100% safer. afterall, i DO remember seeing facebook pictures of crystal (back when she didn't think she was too good to be my facebook friend) and brent in mexico.. i highly doubt they'd take a trip there if it was unsafe. I'M NOT MY MOM. I WON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU SAY JUST TO SCARE ME WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN FUCKIN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. there's OBVIOUSLY NEW government there. THEY HAVE A WOMAN PRESIDENT WHO NOW HAS ALL MEXICAN CITIZENS ON UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANNA FUCK THEIR CITIZENS OVER FOR WANTING TO ACTUALLY LIVE HEALTHY LIKE THE GOOD OL' UNITED STATES FUCKIN THE CITIZENS OVER WITH THEIR MEDICAL BILLS! BET MY MOM DIDN'T KNOW THAT! BUT YOU PEOPLE SEEM TO THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING AND I'M EXACTLY LIKE MY BUM MOM. you're just gonna piss me off saying i'm like her when she hasn't been through HALF the shit i have because she's a scared bum and you and the rest of the family members scared her because you're overprotective and ultimately- uncaring. GUESS WHAT DICKS? I HAVE TWO SETS OF DNA- MY MOM'S AND MY DAD'S AND I THINK MY DAD'S IS TAKING OVER FOR MY DECISION MAKING BECAUSE I'M AWARE I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO LOSE ANYMORE AND THOSE PEOPLE ARE THE MOST DANGEROUS. if you people were to take away my decision-making for some reason (i actually KNOW i'm 10x more intelligent than my mom), i'll probably do something you all will regret. i think i was in tears one day when talking to my therapist about how i didn't wanna end up like my mom and my therapist tried to reassure me by saying, "you've worked jobs before in your life. your mom doesn't work." that made me feel a little better but everyone else refuses to acknowledge my differences to my mom. BET MY MOM NEVER ATTENDED THREE DIFFERENT COLLEGES. NOTHING i do will make me appear more able or knowledgable to anyone. people refuse to acknowledge how i already attended courage kenny for at least 3 or 4 years. i have proof of it on facebook. go fuckin gaslight someone who ACTUALLY CARES because i don't..

DON'T make important decisions if you have ABSOLUTELY *NO* EXPERIENCE in doing so.

i'm watching family feud on bet right now and the question was "what is something you should choose in life wisely?" and the woman said, "banker" and that was the 4th popular answer. i'm trying to think if i got to PICK MY BANKER and i don't believe i got to pick amy. the (terry) bradshaw family answered that answer. i called amy last week and i had to leave her a voicemail as usual asking her what her supervisor's name and number are- STILL NO RESPONSE! that should be another slap on the wrist for her. MY MALE TRUSTEES ACTUALLY RETURNED MY DAMN CALLS MORE RELIABLY AND QUICKER THAN THE SAD EXCUSE OF A "TRUSTEE" I HAVE NOW- ESPECIALLY SINCE SHE STILL HASN'T ANSWERED MY DAMN QUESTION. i'm almost positive SOMEONE STUPID AND SEXIST decided she'd be a better trustee for me since she's a kewliez woman! that person has NO right making important decisions like that for me considering she NEVER answers the fuckin phone herself. must be a stupid people thing because i make SURE i answer all the calls that come to me and if i'm not able- I HAVE ENOUGH RESPECT TO RETURN THE DAMN CALLS. regardless if i know who called- i call back the people using my caller id. all my trustees have been male (except for ruth ann when my grandma was alive and she delt with her and she said i should be able to spend my money however i wanted because it's MY money and MY life and the money is useless when i die). males are just more psychologically responsible when it comes to my finances- IN MY EXPERIENCE anyway. THEY ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO INVEST AND MAKE ME MONEY AS OPPOSED TO SIT ON MY DAMN MONEY- NOT ALLOWING ME TO SPEND IT, JUST SO IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE ACTUALLY DOING THEIR FUCKING JOBS. LET THE PEOPLE WITH ACTUAL INTELLIGENCE MAKE DECISIONS ON WHO'S HANDLING THEIR FINANCES. so now i'm not gonna get to take the trip to where i was born because my smart ass of a trustee enjoys sitting on my money and not allowing me to spend it to take the first trip back to where i was born since i was born. thanks a lot smart ass! you're doing more damage to my life than actually helping me like my grandma intended. i'll just spend it at a strip club seeing some titties. THANKS A LOT AMANDA!

Get something better to do.

i don't really understand the purpose of my sister always reading my blog. i clearly don't like you and you don't do anything for me (like the rest of my family with an exception to joe). i know that if i were in your situation- i wouldn't be wasting my time reading the blog of someone who don't even like me. then i wonder if some views aren't from my mom and the only reason she'd be interested in what i was doing is just because it interests my sister to stalk me and see what kind of things she COULD be doing with her life if she hadn't spread her legs for the convenience store deadbeat so many times. work on yourself. stalking your kewliez older sister isn't gonna get you ANYWHERE. now i kinda understand what attracted mike the convenience store deadbeat to you! you're both losers!

fredrick was gonna bring me to the bank to open a new account, so i could deposit my refund check in there, since i'm convinced that amy doesn't know how to do her job and INVEST her clients' money- so she tries to stop the clients from spending money any way she can by refusing to give money for trips for their FORTIETH BIRTHDAY so they get so depressed they kill themselves- so she can run away with the money in her trust because she IS the other holder! if i kill myself- i'd make sure i came back and HAUNTED YOU! plus i'm pretty sure my will says to give everything to my brother if i die. you haven't helped me with ANYTHING since you've took brian's spot. at least brian and i would go out for dinner and he wouldn't charge me to talk to him like you do and he wouldn't get into arguments with me like YOU do. i don't remember the last phone conversation i had with you where we weren't arguing with each other.