waitlist..

i remembered the waitlists in the new jersey and massachusetts apartments and i called two of the apartments today. the apartment in massachusetts gave me a waitlist # which moved up 24 spots since i checked in april (i compared the #'s from today to the # and date i had recorded in my cell phone in april). their waitlists move surprisingly fast.. well, i remember when i was on waitlists for apartments in new york, i was always like number 1500 some.. so massachusetts definitely has more apartments available and the waiting lists move fast. i'm just gonna work on staying as active as i possibly can in employment until my time comes because i have a suspicion and hope that i may not have such a difficult time finding employment as i do here (because notably- the employer that i came across during one of my interviews opened my resume up on her computer and said, "you have a lot of administrative work on your resume.. but we're looking for customer service and retail for the most part." then i said, "well.. i ALSO have a lot of customer service experience." then she said, "yeah." not really convinced). i think they more than likely have more administrative jobs in bigger cities. which is why i went through such a delay in my work experience when i moved from apartment to apartment until i FINALLY managed to network to get a volunteer job at sabathani community center from when i volunteered at central honors and why i say philando is my guardian angel because i would more than likely be guaranteed to end up this depressed person from the lack of work experience and something to keep me constructive- i can't remember how many times i used to drive my wheelchair out to the highway and look at it thinking about driving on the highway when i lived in burnsville and nobody would even give me a chance to help/work anywhere. amanda can't honestly tell me she's never spoke bad about people on social security because i heard her husband and her discussing how everyone wants to move to minnesota to get the social security payments and not work because minnesota supposedly had the highest payments in social security money in the country. just inspiring me to move to a different state to get away from idiots who complain about people just trying to live their lives. such a loving and caring family. just making what i originally suspected much more clearer to me and reassuring me that i have absolutely NO value to anyone in this state. you should be happy though and don't try to pretend you actually care about me because your definition of "care" is whatever benefits you and makes it look like you actually care about me.. where were you when i WAS attending courage kenny (before they erased the record of my attendance at that useless facility)? don't tell me that i don't have proof because i have videos on facebook of me walking again on there. IF you cared so damn much about me- you wouldn't expect me to regress my capabilities and rehabilitation i've ALREADY done over 10 years ago. stop trying to be like courage kenny and take advantage of my lack of knowledgable and caring advocacy. my grandma was so wrong about you. she died almost 14 or 15 years ago and i'm still in the same fucking state. the only reason i managed to move from the shithole i was in when she died was because i acted erratically just because people refused to follow the NO SMOKING rules at burnsville. you haven't advocated to help me get anywhere I, THE OWNER OF THIS LIFE, ACTUALLY WANTS to live. NOT WHAT'S MORE CONVENIENT TO PEOPLE WHO ONLY PAY ATTENTION TO ME WHEN IT'S BENEFICIAL AND CONVENIENT FOR THEM. i am so beyond disappointed with the sad excuse of "advocacy" and "care" you've shown me as a family member.

reasons for having trouble breathing?

i forgot.. this morning i answered my cell phone and some guy was telling me that he was putting in an estimate to have my cpap fixed and i'm pretty sure he said it was around $6000 or $7000 to get fixed and my insurance was supposed to be 80/20 I THINK and he needed my approval to make the estimate request. i said, "okay. i give you my permission." then when i got off the phone with him, i started to ponder if that meant that I was supposed to pay 20% of the price or 80%.. it better mean 20% because i need that stupid machine or i'm probably gonna start having seizures or something.. or i might just stop breathing while i'm sleeping altogether. i had a coughing fit for no reason yesterday, my throat got dry and i couldn't stop coughing until abdul and fredrick got me water. i was wondering if that could possibly be considered an asthma attack? i'm not sure. i feel like i was told i had asthma when i lived in burnsville and i just stopped using the inhaler, so it eventually was forgot about? or if i'm just imagining that..

caller id's don't show *EVERYTHING* all the time.

i was trying to think of the person who called me today telling me they read my resume and after they interviewed me, they didn't think the position was right for me. then i started to wonder if it was the guy i interviewed with yesterday and i'm not sure if it WAS him.. i need to go check my recent calls- hopefully it lists the name of the caller. damn.. it just says "MINNEAPOLIS, MN". i tried to match the number to the cards i got from different people i interviewed lately and it doesn't match any of them. i should've asked him if he was discriminating against me because i walked with a cane but i was so irritated and turned off by him that i didn't even wanna work in an environment which discriminates against me for walking with a damn cane. this shit will follow me my WHOLE LIFE. hope tim and his stupid bitch sister recognize this shit and consider it the next time they're laughing at me. (although it may make them laugh harder.. what does your mom have to say the bible says about that?) i'm not sure tim laughs at me but since he won't answer the phone when the person he nearly killed calls him, i'm not really sure what to think.

interviews..

i got up and got ready for the day and fredrick came to my place to help me with things. then i caught my lyft ride to my first interview- i don't think i gave myself the proper time to get ready for the interview because as i was calculating the time it'd take to get to my second interview that my job coach said she'd pick me up from the first interview and bring me directly to the second interview- i realized it was only like 10 minutes before my first interview and i remembered it took 15 minutes to get to the interview because i looked last night. then i quick called the ride and i only ended up getting to the interview about 5 minutes late and i don't think the lady who interviewed me made much of an issue about my tardiness. she opened my resume on her computer and said, "well.. judging by your resume.. you have a lot of administrative experience.. we're looking more for customer service experience.." then i quickly said, "i have customer service experience on there too." she DID go out of her way to mention how the job required a lot of walking from apartment to apartment (and since it was a MOTEL- they didn't really have an indoor hallway between all the rooms). so in the back of my mind i said, "so you're basically telling me this won't work for me." but i kept my head up because i'm sure i could've found accomodations to help me until she mentioned that it was basically a full time position and since i don't wanna risk my benefits- i had to tell her that the job couldn't work for me. then, my job coach took me to the second interview today which was at a hotel which i'm almost positive i have interviewed at previously at least once or twice before. the parking lot and lobby of the hotel looked very familiar. i also had the hotel name in my notes app on my cell phone from when i interviewed there before. however- i thought the guy interviewing me was familiar because his voice sounded familiar but the guy i had thought he was was some old white guy.. my job coach said he looked native american. so i'm not sure if it was the same guy. he ALSO went out of his way to mention how the front desk position involved a lot of physical work. he said judging by my resume, i was qualified to do a lot of the work but he wasn't sure if i'd be comfortable working the position because of all the physical work that would be required. i was thinking about what he said and i'm almost positive he told me he'd call me back about if he wanted to hire me or not- this time, he was actually honest not to get my hopes up for the job.. i'm not sure if that's because my job coach was sitting in on the interview or what. i just don't understand why these hotels don't have someone hired for this physical work SPECIFICALLY. last time i went to a hotel, i'm almost positive they had different people hired to specifically assist with the different needs the hotel guest had. i spoke to my job coach on the way back to my place and she said that she was surprised they didn't have people hired SPECIFICALLY to assist with the roles which require physical work too and she'd just help me continue to look for roles which interest me and didn't require physical work.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH

i just got back from the interview at victoria's secret. i was just reminded of why i avoid working at victoria's secret from past interviews at the store before. i was correct.. when i got in there- it was more of a group interview-setting and the other ladies interviewing had experience with retail and fashion in particular (well 2 of the 3 did.. i got the other lady who was interviewing to give me information on the cognitive classes, since she said she was a cognitive coach and i told her i failed my cognitive-driving test and no one was helping me to get classes, so i could pass the test to get my driver's license- the girl said that it's not uncommon for people to LACK support in getting help to get these resources.. "YOU GOT THIS!"). i'm not sure if amanda's smart ass assumes the less i'll be able to do- the less i'll get in trouble. THAT JUST INSPIRES ME TO FIND A WAY TO DO CERTAIN THINGS SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE HELPING ME WITH UNSAFELY. SHE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT! "YOU GOT THIS!" needless to say- i strongly doubt the manager is gonna get back to me about a job there but i DID manage to schedule TWO interviews back to back tomorrow at two different hotels. so i'm doing my best to make sure i stay BUSY and CONSTRUCTIVE (so NOT being a rehabilitation tool because that makes my uncaring family ACTUALLY appear "supportive" and "caring" because people assume my family supports and cares for me since i'm supposed to be getting therapy. that is so far from the truth. they just enjoy the impression they're supportive and caring while doing absolutely NOTHING to support and/or care for my WELL-BEING since it's not convenient and/or beneficial to them. they all need to mind their damn business and stop being so self-absorbed, entitled, and conceited.*EXCEPT JOE) when i got in my car accident- THERE WERE THREE PEOPLE IN THE CAR. I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF MY FAMILY THERE. THEY HAVEN'T REACHED OUT TO HELP ME, EXCEPT JOE OF COURSE. the rest of them are just there when it's GOOD for THEM. GOD FORBID I CALL AMANDA WHEN I NEARLY CRACK MY HEAD OPEN AND REQUIRE STITCHES IN MY EYE! "YOU GOT THIS!" you need classes on how to support and care for your family members when they nearly die and that DOESN'T include taking the easy way out and relying on some overrated-lousy excuse of a "rehabilitation facility" like courage kenny which i'm pretty sure i went to OVER TWELVE FUCKING YEARS AGO. JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING HELPED ONE PERSON WITH A DISABILITY- DOES NOT MEAN IT'LL HELP EVERYONE ELSE. DISABILITIES ARE DIFFERENT AND YOU'D KNOW THAT IF YOU ACTUALLY CARED. you don't have time for that though! because i "GOT THIS"! now.. time to see in about 20 minutes if abdul ACTUALLY helps me with these cognitive classes.. certain people are unempathetic and unwilling to understand the REALITY of being disabled. JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN DO SOMETHING- DOES NOT MEAN THAT EVERYONE ELSE CAN DO IT JUST AS EASILY. go watch sesame street and grow a brain AND heart- along with MINDING YOUR FUCKIN BUSINESS BECAUSE YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T SUPPORT ANYTHING I AM INTERESTED IN- SO YOU THINK THAT AUTOMATICALLY GIVES YOU PERMISSION NOT TO SUPPORT ME. i hope you all have to depend on nurses or pca's who beat on you and call you names and YOU'RE NOT ABLE TO TELL ANYONE BECAUSE YOU "GOT THIS"! they haven't ever done that to me but then you'd see what it was like to need help and not get support- so it'd be like what i've been forced to go through ever since i was made a vulnerable adult.

who knows..

i want to recognize that the woman who called sabathani today pissed off was the only person SO FAR who has said anything unfavorable about my voice at sabathani community center (well TO ME anyway). other than that- the ONLY person who has bothered to say anything remotely mean or critical of my voice was my grandma when she said, "YOU ALWAYS SOUND SO MAD." i'm not sure if she was just trying to find something bad about me to criticize me like narcissistic people do though. don't get me wrong. she wasn't ALWAYS a narcissist- she just had her moments and i'm pretty sure that everyone does. i'm not gonna take this personally though, considering she's the very first person at sabathani to have an issue with my voice (that i'm aware of).. she might've just been pissed off about being over-charged and tried to find anything wrong with the first person she came across.

my savior

so scott helped me again while answering the phone- he has a tendency to show up when i get stuck answering the phone. some lady called and told me how she paid for office space to help a group of kids do something and they still say she hasn't paid for the space in a frustrated tone, i had connected her to jen's number because that's who she asked for first. well, then the call didn't connect through because sabathani is moving their offices- so the phone lines are down until they get everything remodeled. i had answered the phone the second time when her phone didn't get connected to jen's number and she said, "I TRY TO DO THINGS FOR THIS COMMUNITY AND YOU GUYS CAN'T EVEN GET IT RIGHT." then i said to her, "well. i'm sorry- if scott was here, i'd connect you to him but i'm pretty sure i seen him leave." then she felt the need to make fun of my voice. she said, "AND YOU DON'T EVEN SOUND INTERESTED LIKE YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO HELP ME! LIKE YOU'RE TOO BORED TO CARE! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!" i held my temper for too long.. she decided to insult ME when all i was fuckin trying to do was HELP her. i took a deep breath and said, "I'VE HAD THREE DAMN SURGERIES ON MY THROAT. I DON'T NEED YOU TRYING TO INSULT ME." then scott walked out and said, "hey stacy! what's goin on?!" then i said to him, "oh! i thought you left! HERE TALK TO HER. she's yelling about paying for rented space and sabathani saying she didn't pay." then i handed him the phone. he apologized to her and said, "well.. i'm sorry.. they volunteer here.. they didn't see me come in the back door because i left earlier out the front entrance and i just snuck back in the back door. jen went out for the day and we're remodeling our offices- so our phones aren't connected yet." then he told her to email jen and gave her jen's email address and hung the phone up. then i said to him, "THANKS! i thought you left and i didn't really know what to do because she started attacking the way i speak when i didn't even say anything wrong to her." then he said, "that's ok! heh.. you just gotta kill 'em with kindness." i feel like he's told me that a long time ago.. might've been when i was getting trained in. the lady can't be doing that fuckin much for the community if she's insulting a person who is volunteering their time to help the community. she's also probably lucky because it was the end of the day and i felt too tired to deal with anybody's shit but i always keep in mind that i'm working a job and that's why i just hung the phone up the first time when she decided to insult me because i didn't wanna risk my temper flaring up because i KNOW i would've lost my position volunteering there if i said what i really wanted to say.

Deja-vu

i also received a call from a lady about interviewing at a place i could've sworn i've interviewed at before once or twice. maybe they have new leadership a lot. i guess i'll just have to wait.

probably another dud or something other than what *I* thought.

i told the ics worker about how i got a message from some company that wants to know if i'd be available for an interview tomorrow. the ics worker was gonna help me find out the address to the company. the only thing we could really find was some store in the airport. this employer sounds familiar to me. i'm THINKING that i remember interviewing for them (since it's IN the airport) and they wanted the workers to do a lot of physical work- like moving airline ramps off the runway. i'm not exactly sure WHY these employers assume i'm capable of all this PHYSICAL work. i don't have any work experience which requires physical work on my resume. i probably disappoint them when they see WHO stacy carmona IS physically. i'll read the job description again to make sure but i think ALL they want from a worker is someone who can work in their stores at the airport. heh *shrugs* i can do that. i'll probably be shown that i made a mistake in applying to this job.. but i guess i won't know until i see PERSONALLY MYSELF.
alright.. the lady who asked about the job just got back to me. she wants to do a microsoft teams meeting with me first. so it's not AS MUCH pressure on me. i hope she doesn't get the idea that i'm an overconfident moron because i had assumed she just wanted to do an in-person interview with me first. at least she'll see that i'm not capable of moving airline ramps and/or any other physical work.

another possibility?

i got a text today from some employer that i applied for a job to work there a few weeks ago. she asked me if i could come for an interview tomorrow at 10. i told her that i could and i seen that i had scheduled my interview with victoria's secret that afternoon. so at least i SHOULD have time in between to go straight to the next interview if i plan on attending both. i'm not really sure victoria's secret will give me a job partially because i don't have any retail experience and partially because i'm not sure if they'll discriminate against me because i walk with a cane. i know people are probably saying, "WELL THEY CAN'T DO THAT! THAT'S ILLEGAL!" how am i supposed to prove that they discriminated against me for my disability though? most people try not to make it obvious when they're discriminating. plus, i'm pretty sure this other employer may have a better chance at hiring me.

another one?

*claps* i THINK i scheduled an in-person interview this wednesday at victoria's secret. i'm trying to get more work experience in different areas- so i'm more qualified for more jobs. although- they may ask me if i have any retail experience and just count me out as soon as i tell them "no" like salvation army did. hopefully they confirm the interview. hopefully they don't discriminate against me either. although- i DO remember seeing a girl who was working in an electric wheelchair once a LONG time ago. probably depends on the person who interviews you for the job.
i woke up today and i got ready for my acupuncture appointment. i had assumed insurance wouldn't pay for it, so i emailed the lady who takes care of my finances and asked her how she expected for me to pay for my acupuncture if my debit card didn't have money in the account. then i called my care coordinator to see if insurance would pay for my acupuncture appointment and he reassured me that insurance pays for acupuncture. so that answered my question. when i got to acupuncture and the lady asked me what i wanted to work on, i told her that i wanted to work on my core and she started to make excuses for not wanting to work on my core. that's similar to when pro-therapy also said that she didn't wanna put me at risk by hurting my abdomen while plugging the pads into it. tram seems to be the ONLY therapist with balls to ACTUALLY HELP me. so i've run into another wall. i gotta try to figure out how i'm gonna get on the other side of it now.

ASK GOOGLE!

i asked google just now "do narcissistic mothers try to act like their daughters?" and this is how it replied:
"Yes, narcissistic mothers frequently view their daughters as either direct competition or as an extension of themselves, which often leads them to copy, mimic, or try to act like their daughters."
i originally thought my mom was just trying to act like me because grandma was dead and she didn't have anyone else to copy and she was trying to copy the most out-spoken female she personally knew. then i wondered if it may have just been because she was trying to impress my fat sister who also mimics me- so she'd seem "cool" to my sister. now i'm not really sure.. could be a mix of them all. i dislike ANYONE mimicing or copying me because it shows me how fuckin stupid i act but then i stop and realize that NONE of them have been through nearly as much shit as i have and they haven't done HALF the things i have. i believe i've shared my irritation with my therapist about this before and she didn't really understand why i had such a problem with it, she said that i should be proud of myself that someone looks up to me. like i said before- i don't like how completely stupid they make me look (i also may look that stupid normally but I DON'T NEED SOME ASSHOLES TO REMIND ME OF IT). it's just irritating that people seem to think it's easy to do what i do to be ME. which is also another reason why i wanna get the hell outta this state.. so people can't assume they talk to me or see me (support me) or get any credit for "caring" about me. they obviously ONLY care about themselves. if my mom were to REALLY act like me- SHE'D BE APPLYING TO JOBS AND VOLUNTEERING. does she do ANY of that? HELL NO. same goes for fat amy. they can't do ANYTHING i do and they're not gonna cling to me and try to make me do less so i can be as much of losers as they are.

so it's all coming clear now..

so i'm pretty sure i discovered what those idiots who stole my identity did.. i got some print-outs for my debit card account from first third bank in the mail today. i was curious to see what they bought and exactly how much they've taken from me so far. they used a lot of the same normal businesses i usually buy from- so it didn't look AS suspicious. i DID see a purchase from DOMINOS in JAMAICA, NY. so there was a flag in mind- considering i haven't been to new york in probably at least 2 or 3 years and I DON'T ORDER FROM DOMINO'S. pizza hut all the way for me. unless someone else is paying or if they have a good deal- in which case, i wouldn't spend $30 there. their pizza just isn't worth that much to me. fredrick seen some purchase labeled bikini island or some bullshit. i just seen a few NJTRANSIT NEWARK purchases also. i haven't been in newark for probably at least a year or two. so the ics worker assisted me in calling the # on the back of the card and we couldn't figure out what to do since today isn't monday through friday.. but he helped me request a new card (i'm pretty sure) and i gotta call tomorrow to get reimbursed for all these damn purchases i don't recognize. i gotta do that between my acupuncture and doctor's appointment that i have tomorrow. doesn't pay to tell my incompetent trustee about this- SHE'LL JUST TELL ME TO CALL THE NUMBER ON THE BACK OF THE CARD! oh.. i almost forgot- she'd say "YOU GOT THIS!" afterwards, of course. sounds exactly like the type of shit amanda would tell me to do.. so i'm pretty sure i know who's bright idea it was to hire her.

vote is IN!!

my spanish tutor had asked me if i voted yet during the session yesterday, i said, "i think so but i don't know where to check.." then he said, "well you can just check at city hall and if you didn't- then you can vote.." so today, fredrick took me to the library here in st. paul to vote (i assumed i was just imagining remembering voting.. plus i wanted to be sure that i DID in fact vote), i filled out the application to vote and i walked up to the voting booth table and handed the man my application to vote. he was prepared to enter in my information and then he stopped and said, "did you already vote by mail?" then i said, "oh yeah.. but i wanted to be absolutely sure my vote got in. i wasn't sure how to check." then the guy said, "well.. it said you already voted. thanks for voting!" then i said, "good. i'm glad it's in the system!" so my mail-in-ballot DID get in and i wasn't just imagining it. my memory sometimes plays tricks on me by placing false memories in my mind, so i wanted to be absolutely sure. i remember emailing amy klobuchar a few times in the past and she replied back.. so she's got my vote. if you got a problem with it- take it up with someone who actually gives a crap (not me).

so i'm slipping. i'm just bored.

i was just thinking of the time when my fat sister ran off with her boyfriend to florida and how my mom frantically called me telling me that amy ran off to FLORIDUMB with mike. i'm not sure if both of those idiots assume my sister was doing ANYTHING similar to what i've done- she was almost telling me like she was proud of her for acting like me. wtf? like i know what she'd do next and tell her, so she wouldn't be so worried or some bullshit. first of all- i'm NOWHERE near as stupid as her.. when i take risks, i always think about the possible consequences. i felt like i didn't have much to lose anyway. what my mom REALLY should've been concerned about was that BOTH of her daughters felt compelled to get away from HER. she's too stupid to take accountability for things like that.. or ANYTHING now that i think of it. i've went through TWO surgeries BECAUSE OF HER in my life. DO YOU POSSIBLY THINK THAT WE RAN AWAY BECAUSE OUR MOMMY DIDN'T GIVE US THE DESIRE TO CONTINUE WASTING OUR LIVES BY HER?! my sister threw her life away a long time ago when she decided to spread her legs and drop out of school BEFORE she even reached high school.. NEVER TO RETURN. if she really wanted my respect (i'm sure a lot of other people's too)- SHE'D BE GETTING HER GED INSTEAD OF LIVING TO GET WET OVER HER SISTER BITCHING ABOUT HER STUPIDITY ON HER BLOG. you and mom are both losers who don't have any REAL accomplishments aside from their children. the difference between your situations is just mom ACTUALLY has her diploma. THAT'S ALL. oh well. i'm gonna look on indeed now. i might think of a solution to get a job.