YOU'RE *INFAMOUS*. that is *NOTHING* to be proud of.

i'm still trying to figure out the purpose of my mom stalking me- as if she assumes i'll praise her or give her something to be proud about when she reads my blog (which pretty much just consists of ALL the shit she does/has done to me). i think about what the pca who went with me to boston asked me, which was why i can't just live in minnesota and ignore my mom.. because she would take advantage of my location and LIE about how much support and care she gives me and people would just assume she's telling the truth because i'm in the same state as her and they'd support and care about me if the roles were reversed and they were in her spot with me as a daughter. my mom is narcissistic. she has absolutely NO concern for anything that doesn't benefit her or her image. my friends/people who live in my hometown i was raised assume that i'm over-exaggerating but i have a question for you: if YOUR mom held YOU in front of her while your dad was kicking and beating on her, so that you were kicked by your dad and had to go through AT LEAST two surgeries SO FAR to your bowel (abdominal organ)- COULD *YOU* JUST SWEEP THIS UNDER THE RUG AND ACT LIKE THINGS WERE OKAY?! ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE'S NEVER BROUGHT IT UP TO YOU IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE (I'M ASSUMING BECAUSE SHE'S ASHAMED). people might be condoning this shitty parenting with her supposed disability.. i didn't know that there were conditions that make people selfish, uncaring, and narcissistic.. there probably is.. it's called being a SHITTY person. people shouldn't wonder why i ran away and didn't let anyone know where i was going. i was trying to get away from this shit and i was a young punk that just assumed nothing could go wrong. i never had a DRINK of beer though. that shit stinks and it'd make me start gagging just by the smell of it. proof that i'm telling the truth would be how I was the one who ended up with a TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY while the driver walked away from the accident (he might've had a few physical therapy appointments and a day stay in the hospital but that's NOTHING compared to all the shit i've had to go through because of the accident) because alcohol paralyzes the immune system. so me not drinking at all makes sense because of all the shit i had to go through and how i was comatose for 6 months and had to go through rehabilitation for at least 15 years to get outta my wheelchair- which is OF COURSE ignored by amanda and the rest of my family who just enjoy the attention and sympathy for "helping" and "caring" about me.. which i can honestly say i don't remember the last time i spoke to any of them (except for my grandpa's nephew joe, who is the ONLY one who has even made the effort to communicate and care about me). i know my other relatives are probably saying, "OH.. JOE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES ABOUT HER?! LET'S LEAVE IT THAT WAY! LESS WORK FOR US!" because i can honestly say when i used to speak to my mom, she'd always tell me to ask joe about things because she recognized the LACK of care i get from amanda (who was supposed to be meant to help me according to my grandma before she died). amanda didn't find anything beneficial to her with helping me.. so she acts like "I GOT THIS!". i told my psychologist she always says that to me whenever i ask her for help and my psychologist looked at me confused and said, "HAS SHE EVER WORKED WITH SOMEONE WITH A TBI BEFORE?" and i told her that it didn't seem like it. THAT'S THE AMOUNT OF "HELP" I RECEIVE HERE AND I'M SUPPOSEDLY SUPPOSED TO GET MORE HELP AND "CARE" FROM FAMILY- SO THAT'S WHY I'VE STUCK AROUND HERE SO LONG! *rolls eyes* IF you couldn't take on the responsibility to help a family member in need- YOU SHOULD'VE FUCKIN SAID IT. YOU CAN'T EVEN ASSIST ME WITH ADVOCATING FOR ME TO GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE AGAIN (WHICH MY GRANDMA CLAIMED OVER AND OVER YOU HAD PLANS TO HELP ME GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE ALONG WITH A VEHICLE I COULD DRIVE AGAIN). so THAT'S FINE. i'll just go somewhere where they ACTUALLY have a useful transportation system which is used by everyone, so i don't have to be stranded in my apartment not doing anything because i can't get out of the apartment MYSELF because the transportation takes at least 20 minutes to get a ride and i'm still usually late. the problem with my life is mainly caused by having a selfish "support" system (except joe). that's the reason why it's taken so damn long just to do anything.

what can i thank my mom for?

i was thinking about this recently (and i'm sure this is a symptom of PTSD) and i don't really understand the purpose or logic behind my mom assuming if she just ignores all the neglect and abuse she's done to me- i'll just "sweep it under the rug" or accept it. she can try to play the victim ALL she wants but she's never brought up exactly what i had dreams about/the reason why my dad left my mom, brother, and i. she's basically to blame for the reason why my brother and i never really got to know our dad. the ONLY thing i can think of which she's actually managed to give me besides PTSD are weak kidneys and a weak bladder, so that i have to urinate at least 3 times every 2 hours or so it seems. thanks a lot. she just feels good to read that i blog about her, it doesn't matter that it makes her look bad or uncaring- probably because my family condones her behavior because my grandma convinced them she has a disability and didn't/doesn't know better. i used to think so also but then she was talking to me about something i blogged about.. how does she all of a sudden get the ability to read when she discovers i have a blog? a little coincidental to me. then my psychologist suggested that my nosey, fat sister was telling her what i wrote but i just got the feeling that she ACTUALLY read my blog and understood what i said because she asked me about some specific details on my post that it just felt like she read it- this interpretation coming from the AUTHOR of what she asked me about.. like you know whether someone is understanding from hearsay or if they actually read it THEMSELVES. it doesn't matter WHO told her because she got the jist of it and i don't have respect for either my mom OR sister considering it didn't solve anything by my mom actually knowing what i post on my blog. i don't write this blog for the entertainment or amusement any of you fucking idiots. i write it to get out what goes on in my life and so i don't forget things. when i mentioned "douglas" yesterday on my blog- i noticed my traffic went up.. i OBVIOUSLY was NOT referring to my RACIST cyclops ex. you serve absolutely ZERO purpose in my life. run along to your klan meetings. you're also one of the MANY reasons why i'm NEVER attending courage kenny again. i meet jackasses like you there. i'll pass. everyone is just lucky that i care enough to bring their incompetent excuse of a "rehabilitation institute" up. they caused me enough trauma by underestimating and neglecting my attempts to actually rehabilitate myself with a good attitude. i'm sure if i ask any psychologist if they can cause a person trauma by underestimating and taking advantage of their lack of advocacy they'll say "yes" if they're good, useful, and EFFECTIVE. they're NOT helping me get stronger.. wtf is the point of me attending that joke of an institute? GIVE STACY SOMETHING TO DO UNTIL WE SHOVE HER IN A NURSING HOME IN MINNESOTA! YEAH! SHE'LL BE RIGHT BY US AND HAPPY! IT DOESN'T MATTER IF SHE HAS OTHER PLANS.. i will seriously blow my brains out the day someone even brings up that shit. i promise i'll get myself kicked out and banned from EVER attending courage kenny or whatever other rehabilitation joke people come up with if i'm forced to go there. that of course, doesn't eliminate going crazy in the nursing homes either. amanda and the rest of my family are probably saying, "THAT'S ALL WE GOTTA DO TO GET RID OF HER?! CALL A NURSING HOME!" my grandma would be so proud and thankful for everything you've neglected to do for me. nice to see how much respect you have for your OWN aunt. *sarcasm* i'll never forgive you or her for refusing and neglecting to help me get where I wanna be in life. i suppose that would mean more if they actually cared about me.

i don't know how to "stand out".. i think that may be why i'm still unemployed.

i just had another interview with the same company i believe i've had a few interviews with in the past. i don't think it went bad but i don't think i really impressed her or stood out like other applicants may. ah well. that's typically my problem. she said she'll get back to me on tuesday if i got the job.

another interview

i have a microsoft teams meeting interview for a job later. i'm glad that it says it's at 1 on my cell phone in my email on the invite because i have 2:30 written down on my calendar and i gotta go to spanish class at about 2:45 to get there on time for my class today. so at least i have more time to do everything and a little time in between because i had originally planned to just have the teams meeting on my cell while i was on the way to spanish because i didn't think i had time. i told douglas about the interview today and he wished me good luck and said, "at least you'll have something to do." because i told him i wasn't completely sure of who the job was for when i spoke to him and i was just reminded when i checked my phone today. he recognizes how bored i am which is one of the major reasons why i need a job to keep me busy and so i don't have time to think negatively. it feels like i interviewed with these guys a few times before but it was probably a different location. i'm not sure if this is like the 3rd step in hiring or if they're just having a teams meeting with me because it's easier than in-person interview and they're busy? ah well. i'll just keep my head up and do the interview. thinking negatively won't help me in any way.

don't get cocky.

i've been continuously irritated by the thoughts of amanda attempting to use my mom as a pawn to stop her from doing as she told her aunt she'd help me do. if she really cared about me as much as she insinuates- she'd take into consideration EVERYTHING i've been through and ALL the work it took me to get here. when i say "ALL the work it took to get here" i OBVIOUSLY mean all of MY hard work to get where i am and i'm NOT stopping here because my mom or anyone else who HAS NOT WENT THROUGH THE SHIT I HAVE supposedly "want" for me. WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANT?! YOU KNOW.. THE OWNER OF THIS LIFE. i think back to a phone conversation i had with my grandma a long time ago and she mentioned how she threatened my mom IF she EVER stole money from me when my grandma was dead, she told my mom that she'd "regret it" (now that i read this over, it's pretty fuckin sad when a grandma has to threaten her daughter NOT to steal from her granddaughter.. THAT'S THE KIND OF "MOM" I HAD THOUGH! ASK MY BROTHER JAY IF YOU NEED PROOF!). i know my grandma scared the hell outta my mom- if she didn't, there would have been NO way my mom would've taken me to her house to see my grandma when she was still alive. she didn't do it because she genuinely wanted to see me like a normal parent would want to see their offspring because she would've never left me at her apartment ALONE when i was wheelchair dependant a LONG TIME AGO just to go to the damn bar. i KNOW my grandma would be disappointed with amanda because she's basically not helping to do what she CLAIMED she'd do and using my mom as an excuse. IF my mom REALLY cared about ME, she NEVER would've held me in front of her while my dad was kicking and beating on her. i've had TWO surgeries on my bowel so far because of the kick to my abdomen where my mom used me as a shield and in-directly trying to use me as an excuse why my dad should stop hitting her because i was there while my dad was hitting and kicking at my mom. first of all- my dad should've never been hitting my mom in the first place but i thought about this one night, i'm PRETTY SURE he wasn't fluent in english.. so to be THAT pissed off at someone when you don't even understand them is somethin- she must've REALLY pissed him off.. i'm assuming he was drinking though, so that probably changes things also. a person has to be pretty fucking irritating for you to want to kick them when your own daughter is present. i will admit that my mom pisses me off pretty bad.. it's probably a good thing that i'm seeing a psychologist to talk about my temper also. BUT I SHOULDN'T BE EXPECTED TO THROW EVERYTHING I'VE BUSTED MY ASS TO GET JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE OLDER THAN ME AND WHO IS ONE OF THE CAUSES OF MY PTSD CAN'T HANDLE ME MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE THE WAY I WANT. I CAME FROM A FUCKING COMA- TO A DAMN WHEELCHAIR, WALKERS AND TREKKING POLES.. TIL FINALLY A CANE. KEVIN (THE THERAPIST AT COURAGE KENNY) TOLD ME NOT TO RETURN TO COURAGE KENNY IF I DIDN'T HAVE MY WALKER OR TREKKING POLES. HE WAS MORE CONCERNED ABOUT MAKING IT LOOK LIKE COURAGE KENNY WAS ACTUALLY HELPING ME. NONE OF MY STRENGTH CAME FROM DAMN COURAGE KENNY. THEY ASSISTED ME IN LETTING ME WALK AROUND THEIR BUILDING BUT I COULD'VE GOT THAT ANYWHERE. I'M NOT LYING WHEN I SAY ALL CREDIT FOR ME BECOMING AMBULATORY IS OWED TO TRAM HOLLOWAY- WHO MY GRANDMA FOUND BECAUSE SHE REALIZED COURAGE KENNY WASN'T DOING SHIT FOR ME AND I WASN'T PROGRESSING WITH ACTUAL RESULTS. he told her that he'd have me out of my wheelchair and i could tell my grandma really didn't believe it but would try anything- and i THANK HIM FOR THE WORK HE DID ON ME TO GET ME ON MY FEET AGAIN. amanda is like everyone else in this fuckin world who doesn't want to see any progress if she doesn't get credit for it and they can't do better than her. NO THANKS go to her. she can't handle me living a productive life if she doesn't get attention/credit for it- which is also a reason why she tries to keep me here, so people can assume she's actually helping me because i'm in the same state as her. to tell you the truth- i honestly don't remember the last time i seen or even SPOKE to her or any of my other family members (except joe and jay), yet i'm expected to throw away EVERYTHING i've done just for family because as you can see- they care about me SO MUCH.. *ROLLS EYES*. I'M NOT LYING ABOUT THE SHIT THEY DON'T DO FOR ME TO JUST "KEEP THE PEACE" AND MAKE A LOVING FAMILY IMAGE.. THEY SHOULD HAVE JUST BURIED ME IN A COFFIN IF THIS IS WHAT KIND OF "CARE" AND "SUPPORT" THEY EXPECT ME TO RECEIVE. oh but then the thought: amanda has never experienced ANY of the shit i have and she don't care enough about me to be genuinely empathetic and supportive. so it's like driving in a car without a steering wheel. i "GOT THIS!" though. that's her excuse of "support" without offering me any resources and/or care. she NEVER answers my phone calls when i used to try to call her and she DOESN'T return my voicemails. i've gave up on calling her because i'm sick of wasting my time. my psychologist asked me, "has amanda ever dealt with disabled or handicapped people in her life?" and i said straight out to her, "pfft.. i don't think so." IF AMANDA'S MOM EXPECTED HER TO QUIT HER JOB AND LIVE BY HER- WOULD SHE LIKE THAT? NO EXCEPTIONS. JUST QUIT, JUST TO LIVE BY YOUR MOM. that's what the situation would be like for amanda if she was in my shoes. she can easily reply, "well my mom works and she'd never do that." but what if your mom DIDN'T work and DID do that- so you were basically in MY SHOES?! that's called EMPATHY and she obviously doesn't have it. it's times like these where i could pull my grandma's favorite saying outta my ass: "WHAT COMES AROUND, GOES AROUND." don't get cocky. speaking from first hand experience- you'll regret it.

another interview

i spoke to visionworks today and scheduled a microsoft teams meeting on friday with them. i feel like i've interviewed with them before, so i'm not sure if i can put too much confidence in this interview but i won't know if i don't try. i actually had referrals this time to put on the resume, so i didn't need to search too hard. i hope they give me good referrals but i don't see why they wouldn't.

apparently that's *ALL* i am- an idiot who provides you with amusement.

i just got done visiting with someone from the ymca to talk about what resources i need in my life to make me TRULY HAPPY and SUCCESSFUL (because that IS what it'll take for me to be TRULY happy and NOT just living off of social security and attending some pathetic excuse of a "rehabilitation center" who only assist people with advocacy that'll stroke their dicks(which i don't have) THE ONLY REASON WHY I EVEN BOTHERED TO GO THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE WAS BECAUSE MY GRANDMA DIDN'T KNOW WHERE ELSE I COULD GO AND I'M GETTING FUCKING SICK OF EXPLAINING THIS SHIT). LEARN HOW TO ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT YOUR RELATIVES AND NOT JUST SO IT APPEARS YOU "CARE" ABOUT THEM WHEN NOT ASKING THEM WHAT THEY TRULY WANT. STOP ACTING LIKE YOU CARE WHEN YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT WHAT I, THE OWNER OF MY LIFE WANTS FOR MY LIFE. JUST AS LONG AS IT'S MORE BENEFICIAL AND CONVENIENT FOR YOU. amanda really IS naive because i see my nosey ass cousin's friend viewing my timeline on facebook- so my nosey ass cousin dustin must be reading my timeline since i blocked him because i find absolutely NO reason to remain "friends" with someone who just wants to amuse themselves with what's going on with someone who's ACTUALLY trying to do something with their lives which doesn't include throwing it all away to remain in some boring ass state, miserable because i don't have anything better to do- so i resort to insulting people who are actually TRYING to do something with their lives besides take the easy way out and depend merely on social security while my family and so-called friends just laugh at me like i'm some kind of joke LIKE YOUR SISTER AND HER STUPID BOYFRIEND DO. IF amanda had ANY intelligence- she'd recognize that dustin just reminds me of EVERYTHING i HATE in THIS state. he's the whole package- bigotry and racism tied with nosiness!.. so a male version of amanda. I PUT YOU DICKS ON BLOCK FOR A REASON. YOU DESTROY MY MENTAL HEALTH. take that as a compliment of actually making an impact in someone's life because that's what people like you would do. JUST MIND YOUR BUSINESS. that's ALL you gotta do. dustin is DEFINITELY NOT gonna change my mind. it actually makes me more desperate for finding an exit to this shithole of a state. you're a complete fucking moron if you don't understand WHY i want to move from this state.. fuck the hell off. maybe now your stupid asses recognize EXACTLY why i've been so anxious to leave this state because all my damn relatives were busy condoning my mom's pathetic excuse of parenting. unless i was the only idiot who just figured out this shit after TWO surgeries on my bowel so far and my traumatizing reminiscing dreams. which could be possible. that provides another reason for me to get the hell outta this state because people IN THIS STATE think i'm too much of an idiot to handle something traumatizing that happened to me. it was kinda like God was trying to explain the reason why i was going through so much shit (all the surgeries on my bowel) and my mom has NEVER taken accountability for it or even brought it up to me. EVEN the man who nearly killed me driving drunk when i was 16 could take accountability for the accident and apologize- my OWN mom? PFFT. SHE'S TOO ENTITLED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HER STUPIDITY. IT HAPPENED A LONG TIME AGO. STACY'S STUPID! SHE'LL NEVER REMEMBER! RIGHT MOM? HELL NO. it just pisses me off that this shit is condoned by my damn family because they want to "keep the peace". WELL KEEP THE PEACE WITHOUT ANY FUCKING COMMUNICATION TO ME. MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS AND FIND SOMETHING THAT CONCERNS YOU THAT ACTUALLY MATTERS TO YOU BECAUSE I OBVIOUSLY DON'T AND YOU'VE PROVEN THAT WITH YOUR IGNORANCE OF WHY I WANT TO GET OUTTA HERE. YOU LACK EMPATHY AND IN ORDER TO REALLY CARE ABOUT SOMEONE- YOU NEED TO HAVE EMPATHY AND RESPECT HOW YOU'D FEEL IF IT WERE YOU IN THEIR SHOES. i'm getting annoyed having to explain this to someone who acts like they know everything, so i'm gonna go watch fresh prince.

money money money.. looking the part..

i just got back from getting my taxes done again. i don't remember if amy is still working on my taxes or if she put it all on me and these were my taxes because i'm almost positive that i got more money back when brian was my trustee. it really doesn't matter though.. when i got that money back- i had planned on actually using it to buy a vehicle but now considering i was told i couldn't drive- i don't have anything to spend it on.
i also met with a job coach today in the morning and she seems to think it's a good idea for me to work at planet fitness.. i'm not exactly sure of the reason why my job coaches all seem to try to get me in fitness centers. i'm not sure if i give off the image that i need to be in a gym or that i look like a person who stays active in fitness centers? oh well. i told her not to apply to any salons or schools/child-care jobs because the people in both of those environments might trigger anger or irritation. so- she skips over those listings. i told her about all the times i went to the burnsville center and was eating in the food court or just by stores and i'd hear kids whining to their parents and how it tended to aggrivate me. i also mentioned how i got aggrivated by how stylists in salons talk in the salons. like they're teenage girls with an overexaggering tone where everything is so dramatic all the time. my job coach also applied me to macy's and they seem to be interested in hiring me. she asked me what i thought about working for a bank and i said, "i'd be open to it. i just don't have a foot in the door because that seems like what it takes since all the bankers i know of had family members that were bankers." then she said, "well.. you look like the kind of person who works at banks." i'm not sure if i should take that as a compliment because when i was at sabathani a while ago, some lady told me that i looked like an attorney. AT LEAST I LOOK LIKE A PERSON WHO WORKS AND NOT SOME BUM. so i'll take those as COMPLIMENTS. looking the part or something like that.

damn mice.

i've been sneezing all fuckin day- i'm sure the mice caused these allergies because i remember reading somewhere online about people building allergies to mouse fur or wtf they have. i ordered some chlorox shit to spray and hopefully help me not to sneeze/have a stuffed nose all the time.
i also met with ics this morning and zen asked me what i wanted to work on- i wanna make sure my name is still on the housing waiting lists since this most recent housing opportunity fell through thanks to my lack of support. AS LONG AS IT'S CONVENIENT FOR AMANDA AND THE REST OF MY FAMILY! (JOE IS THE ONLY FAMILY MEMBER WHO ACTUALLY SHOWS SUPPORT AND CARES) i'm not sure if they wouldn't give zen the information because it sounded like he was the only one on the line and he could've been a stranger or someone requesting information on my behalf or why they really weren't giving him information- except the apartment in concord again but they told me the number and said it'd probably be at least 3 or 4 years until my name came up again- which is EXACTLY why i jumped at the opportunity of the apartment becoming available because i KNOW housing is MORE difficult on the east coast COMPARED to minnesota and it pisses me off that people who are supposedly supposed to be "supporting" don't listen to ME (they assume i'm an idiot because of my brain injury). i'm honestly NOT going to get ANYWHERE with this sad excuse of "support" who underestimates my intelligence for their damn convenience and doesn't pay attention to ANYTHING i say because they DON'T really CARE about me. if they honestly cared about me- they wouldn't be underestimating me for THEIR CONVENIENCE and would TRULY SUPPORT me and not being overprotective cunts. i didn't go through ALL the shit i've been through JUST for anyone else's convenience.. ESPECIALLY NOT PEOPLE WHO ONLY PAY ATTENTION TO ME WHEN IT'S CONVENIENT OR BENEFICIAL FOR THEM. if you dicks REALLY cared about me- you'd be supporting my goals EVEN if they're NOT convenient or beneficial for them. most of my family and sad excuse of support isn't genuine.
i gotta call lyft to pick me up to go get my taxes done in about 45 minutes. i completely forgot which day it was when my ics worker was in my apartment yesterday talking to the tax company scheduling the appointment, so it got scheduled over the time i'm scheduled at sabathani.

just because it didn't happen when you were there- does NOT mean it DOESN'T matter. who do you think you are?

it's frustrating because i get the impression that amy thinks this goal of moving to boston/east coast is just a new thing that'll last only a few months at the most because she assumes i want attention or some shit. i would be PERFECTLY FINE if NO ONE from my family/people who lived in the town i grew up in paid attention to me and spoke to me again (but joe and jay). she somehow gets this idea because she just started working with me- she thinks so this goal probably won't last long. FOR HER INFORMATION- i ALMOST died trying to get AWAY from my family and *gasp* i STILL have the desire to live in the SAME area of this country (not specifically in the exact same place but the same region of this country)! I'VE BEEN WORKING ON FINDING HOUSING ON THE EAST COAST FOR NEARLY TWENTY FOUR YEARS. YES- IT IS POSSIBLE TO BE THAT TRAUMATIZED. AMANDA AND ANYONE LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY AT THIS DON'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO GET CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR OWN FUCKIN PARENTS PHYSICALLY AND VERBALLY FIGHTING AND GETTING KICKED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FIGHT WHEN YOUR OWN DAMN MOM USES YOU AS A SHIELD WHEN YOUR DAD IS KICKING AND BEATING ON HER. the travel pca who took me to boston said to me, "i don't see why you wanna move JUST because of her.. you don't have to talk to her when you're in minnesota.." no but everyone just assumes she's a good mom who takes care of her daughter and stays in contact with her because that's what they'd do if they were in her position. NOT TO MENTION- MY DAMN SISTER BUILT AN OBSESSION WITH BEING LIKE HER KEWLIEZ OLDER SISSY WHO ALSO FUCKED HER LIFE UP EARLY IN LIFE (EXCEPT I KEPT MY FUCKIN LEGS CLOSED AND NEVER DROPPED OUTTA SCHOOL JUST BECAUSE I MADE A MISTAKE IN LIFE). JUST BECAUSE WE HAVE THE SAME DNA, IT DOES NOT MAKE US ANYTHING ALIKE. YOU MADE THAT APPARENT WHEN YOU DROPPED OUTTA SCHOOL AND KEPT GETTING KNOCKED UP. besides that- the person who i want to build a life with lives on the east coast and it's my stupid family's (except for joe) fault for not being more supportive of my goal to create MY life on the east coast (also so i couldn't have dicks claiming i stayed in minnesota because i'm a WELFARE RAT- ask MY COUSIN missy and HER BOYFRIEND kevin's stupid asses about this comment if you're confused.. i DON'T forget shit- guess that was my thank you for bringing them to a concert with me a long time ago). SEE HOW CARING AND SUPPORTIVE MY FAMILY IS, AMY?! EXACTLY WHY I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE TO STAY IN THIS DAMN STATE. MY FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE AND JAY) SUCKS. that was the only supposed reason that people assume i stay in this hell hole. OH BUT THAT HAPPENED BEFORE YOU STARTED WORKING WITH ME! SO IT DOESN'T COUNT! RIGHT?! WRONG. STILL TRAUMATIZING MY BRAIN. NICE.. A FAMILY WHO CAUSES TRAUMA TO ME, IT'S SO HARD TO SEE WHY I WANNA MOVE FROM THIS HELLHOLE! *ROLLS EYES* your ass better call someone before i end my trust with your bank because it's not convenient to assist me in ways more convenient for YOU.

trying to think about the good sides to this..

i just had the meeting with amy and ics. we went over what i'll need when i move. then zen asked amy if the housing lady said anything to her about the waiting list and housing for it- seeing as my name came up on it but i had to reject it because it wasn't convenient for anyone for ME to ACTUALLY live life the way I want. she said nanchalantly, "oh.. from my understanding- she just goes back on the waitlist until she's called again." i said after she said that, "so ANOTHER four years." then she played stupid and said, "oh is that how long it took? they said it could take months or years." you jackasses don't HONESTLY care about your damn clients- just so it looks like you're actually doing your damn jobs thoroughly. this delay in me living where I can ACTUALLY be genuinely happy WON'T give me more time to be around my neglectful family who only shows "care" at their own convenience and benefit.. and it WON'T drive me back to some sad excuse of a "rehabilitation" center like courage kenny. considering i'll be 40 this year.. just give it 20 more years and i'll actually be where I want. NOT falsely making my family appear "caring" which they obviously DON'T (except joe). i'll be driven back to my hermit tendencies. judging by my past associations with family should be all the proof you need. if i don't get so depressed with nothing happening for me in my life that i end it outta impatience and frustration. MINNESOTA IS THE BEST FOR DISABLED PEOPLE MY FUCKIN ASS. ARE YOU SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE WHEN YOU SAY THAT BULLSHIT OR CONVENIENCE? NEWSFLASH: I'M NOT A MINDLESS IDIOT WHO IS SO DISABLED THEY JUST FORGET EVERYTHING THEY'VE BEEN THROUGH JUST BECAUSE THEIR LIAR KEWLIEZ COUSIN SAYS BULLSHIT. i'm starting to think that amy just had this meeting to act like she's actually doing her job and it leads to NOTHING- so it was basically pointless because i didn't learn anything NEW or any good news about me moving whatsoever. well.. at least people are pretending to be on the same page as me. i probably look like the optimistic idiot who has her hopes up for NOTHING though (while others laugh and talk about me as usual). who am i kidding though? THAT'S BEEN MY WHOLE LIFE IN A NUTSHELL!