another no-go but at least i have one opportunity for the future!

i forgot to mention that i was going to another job interview at a hotel after i got done posting in my previous post. it was in forest lake and i didn't know how long it really took because this was the first interview i've had there. on google, it CLAIMED it was about 25 minutes.. so i made sure i called my lyft ride 35 minutes before the actual interview. it didn't really pay because the lyft driver took me to broadway street in minneapolis and we must've spent at least 10 minutes looking for it until i just looked on indeed on my cell phone and i seen the interview wasn't even in minneapolis and he had the building # wrong anyway. he said to me, "call someone and tell them you can't find it.." then i looked at my indeed account and i couldn't find a number for the hotel but i did message the lady who i scheduled the interview with that we were late but i told the driver about it being in the wrong city and we were on our way there. then i looked at the time and it was like 45 minutes after the interview started and he said we still had like 20 minutes to go- so i just told him to go home since he told me he was gonna have to charge me for extra miles. i should've looked at the reviews before i actually applied to the hotel. on the way back from minneapolis (where he ASSUMED the hotel was), i read the reviews about the hotel and it was rated 2 stars out of 5. one person commented about going to have breakfast there in the buffet line and how some girl with dirty hands grabbed some chips to eat out of the bowl while at the buffet and got the chips all dirty without anyone saying anything. there also was a review about people leaving junk under the heater in their hotel room. there were some other reviews but they weren't good and those are some that stuck out in my memory the most. maybe God was realigning me again so i didn't go to that interview on purpose? that's how i'm gonna take it. i thought that was the only interview i have scheduled before the product demonstrator interview next wednesday (i think) and LUCKILY, i forgot about the interview i scheduled yesterday with the clinic in minneapolis.. so i have one more chance for sure before the product demonstrator interview! i'm not gonna get my hopes up though because i had HOPED today would be different for me and i'd actually get hired.. so for my psychological safety- i'm not gonna put too much confidence in this either partly because things never go right for me anyway yet- they're still in the process of alignment and getting things right for me. i just wish it wouldn't take so damn long because i'm not sure how much longer my mental health can take this shit. laugh at that if you want, just shows exactly why i'm still not where i wanna be exactly. the nurse who fills my anodyne machine has this stupid thought that i should go to courage kenny, she obviously doesn't know or care about how they don't assist me in the way that would progress me, she assumes i don't know what i'm doing and i'm mentally disabled as well and not capable of living a NORMAL life like a happy healthy person lives (you know- work, living healthy and happy INDEPENDENTLY). if she keeps suggesting courage kenny, i'm gonna suggest she gets a new job because i don't like working with people who don't have MY best interests in mind. she figures that if i go there- i'll be so distracted and HAPPY that i'll forget about wanting to move to the east. she obviously is NOT concerned about what I want for myself. same with stupid amanda and the biggest idiot- my mom. they're too stupid to realize that IF i truly had no chance at being employed- I WOULDN'T EVEN GET THESE DAMN INTERVIEWS SCHEDULED. NO ONE WOULD WANT TO WASTE THEIR TIME SEEING IF I'M SOMEONE WHO'S ACTUALLY WORTH HIRING. so much for "SUPPORT" from you unsupportive naive pricks. good thing i'm hard headed.

"all talk", hah?

ugh.. i woke up this morning at probably about 2 am and went to the bathroom, lied back down in bed and i couldn't fall back asleep for at least 20-30 minutes, so i slipped my headset on for my cpap (i don't like putting this shit on because the piece of shit makes my nose red, i was thinking about it this morning and my cpap mask resembles the muzzle we used to put on my mom's dog before it died and it ripped up his nose- while clawing at his nose with his own nails trying to get the muzzle off..). i finally fell asleep but i didn't get much sleep because i can tell just my mood right now. i'm irritated and i just have this feeling that i wanna scream in frustration. IT'S NOT MY "TIME OF THE MONTH" EITHER. i'm pretty sure it has something to do with the LACK of sleep i was able to get. i blame genetics also. if my mom and grandparents wouldn't have selfishly smoked their fuckin cigarettes while i was around- I'D BE ABLE TO BREATHE NORMALLY WHILE SLEEPING AND NOT HAVE TO RELY ON SOME PIECE OF SHIT MACHINE THAT'S SUPPOSED TO HELP ME SLEEP BUT IT RIPS THE FUCK OUTTA MY NOSE AND MAKES IT RED. i threw that fuckin mask off my face two or three times the night before because the piece of shit was bothering my nose and making it red and the fucker wouldn't even stay on. i could say, "well now i know what i NEVER want to put my own kids through!" but i'm not even sure i still want to have kids. not in this economy and i don't wanna even take the risk of putting them through the shit i've had to go through and/or pass down ANY of the shit I have to deal with thanks to genetics (this cpap mask situation being JUST one of the examples). "your mom did her best to raise you!! don't be so hard on her!" no. she didn't. WERE YOU THERE? DID YOU HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THE SHIT THAT ME AND MY SIBLINGS DID(WELL, MOSTLY ME AND MY BROTHER BECAUSE MY SISTER WAS THE "GOLDEN CHILD" IN OUR FAMILY)?! my brother shared with me a story about jonas (my sister's dad) hitting him in the eye when we were younger and he almost poked his eye out- what did my mom do? BITCH AT MY BROTHER, OF COURSE! an example of her *great* parenting. i'm sure my grandparents seen that my mom wasn't able to handle all of us kids, so they stepped in and me and my brother lived at my grandparents' house for probably at least 5 years.. so NO- she did NOT do her best.. she had ASSISTANCE. i'm also majorly depressed because one of the ladies from sabathani called me and wanted to see if she could give me another role at sabathani which helped more and she wanted to know if i had any skills tests taken but when i told my job coach, she basically shot the idea down and said, "i can't release those records without a release of information. i'd have to talk to my supervisor." i don't even think she brought it up to her supervisor. i'm gonna call him after i get done eating and ask him. like people don't want me to progress in life. KINDA LIKE WITH THAT APARTMENT OFFER I GOT FROM CONCORD. people weren't prepared to let me move up and on- SO I HAD TO TURN IT DOWN. THIS LACK OF SUPPORT IS KILLING ME AND IT'S GONNA GET TO ME WHEN I'M NOT ABLE TO STOP WHAT I'M DOING IN REACTION TO IT AND THAT'LL BE IT. so my suggestion is people need to start actually fucking doing their jobs properly or i'm not gonna be here anymore to deal with this shit. my ex care coordinator had a son who also had a brain injury and she used to always say i was "all talk, no action".. i'm sure she said that shit to her son too, who ended up killing himself.. i wonder why. with empathy like that telling you that you're "all talk, no action" (i'm sure she said the same shit to him)- he figured he'd shut her stupid ass up and just killed himself. same thing might happen in my situation too if PEOPLE DON'T START ACTUALLY START DOING THEIR FUCKING JOBS PROPERLY. people honestly think i'm gonna put up with this shit because they have better things to do rather than make sure things are working right for me. "YOU GOT THIS!" no i fuckin don't. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A TBI AND ATTEMPTED TO TELL PEOPLE WHAT YOU WANT FOR YOURSELF? obviously not, so stfu. find someone who will actually help me (not just at their own time or when it's convenient for THEM either). it's been over 24 fuckin years since i was in my accident and 14 years since my grandma died.. I'M STILL IN THIS FUCKIN STATE. FIGHTING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND IT'S YOUR FUCKING FAULT. YOU CAN SAY I DID THIS TO MYSELF BUT WHEN A PERSON HAS A FAMILY- THEY GENERALLY EXPECT THEIR FAMILY TO ACTUALLY CARE ENOUGH TO TRY TO MAKE THEM TRULY SATISFIED AND HAPPY WITH THEIR LIVES- NOT JUST WHAT'S CONVENIENT FOR YOU BECAUSE *GASP* THIS ISN'T *YOUR* LIFE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT! take your head out of your entitled ass and grow a damn heart.

the early bird gets the worm?

while i was laying in bed this morning, i checked indeed on my cell phone and some clinic replied to one of my receptionist applications requesting an interview. i replied and said, "sure, i can do an interview." then they requested next week on a day that i generally don't have anything scheduled, so i said i could interview then and they scheduled a time with me. in the back of my mind, i hope to get a job before the job interview next week for the product demonstrator job- even though there's a good chance the product demonstrator job won't hire me either because i'm not in the physical condition they're looking for or some other excuse. i'm not sure if my job coach just scheduled me for that interview as a product demonstrator because she thought it was easy and any stupid person could do it, so she assumed they'd hire me and i'd be satisfied (being a crash dummy like person to demonstrate the products are actually functioning and/or taste good- i really have more ambition and capability than that shit.. so it irritates me that she doesn't consider what I as a client want to do with her damn life- just so it looks like SHE is actually doing her job finding ME jobs- whether or not it's something I want to do.. who cares though! i'm disabled! i should be happy they're actually paying me! *rolls eyes* who cares if i could be doing better things to make me look more qualified to work jobs that actually PAY to work). i did find my questions that i'm supposed to ask during interviews to remind and help me on interviews this morning though. hopefully i'm prepared because i didn't get to meet with my job coach yesterday because she was sick. i can't really think of anything else i need for an interview though.

so now i know how it feels to really start from the bottom..

i was just looking at indeed and i see listings advertising the same company i'm interviewing for next week. the jobs are like "product demonstrator".. so it's irritating because i'm POSITIVE that my new job coach is just trying to get me easy jobs that my living room wall could do while not even caring what I want because she said, "oh this job should be easy!" do i give people the impression that i'm lazy and just looking to do EASY jobs?! so i'm not really sure how long she'll last working with me. i also just got a call from some guy from some store i couldn't really understand him say the title of it and he had a phone interview with me for the job- i don't even remember applying to any retail stores.. so i'm sure my job coach was responsible for this call also. the guy asked me what made me want to apply to the store and i just said, "um.. the prices..?" and he kinda paused for a second and said, "okay." haha.. i'm not even sure which store it was for but i guess a job's a job. i don't wanna waste my time on these easy ass jobs when i could be working jobs which actually require brain cells and involve me being constructive. i can see why some people just give up on working jobs because everyone assumes you can't do anything (and it's NOT for your safety- it's because they don't wanna see people that came from worse situations than they did ACTUALLY doing something with their lives because it'd make them look and feel less adequate). people (i don't care who they are) don't want you to do better than them- ESPECIALLY your family and "friends". a lot of people might be saying, "she must have a SAD life to say this stuff. she must be ungrateful." well.. i do have a sad life but it's not because i'm ungrateful. i thank the lord EVERY night for the gift of life but PEOPLE STILL REFUSE TO LET ME FUCKING RISE TO WHAT I'M CAPABLE OF BECAUSE THEY'RE SELFISH, UNCARING PRICKS. the only fuckin reason why i haven't intentionally ended my life yet is because even though i DID make my will (everything goes to jay).. i'm afraid the idiot who is supposed to be "helping" me will say some shit to fuck it up and my mom and/or she will end up getting everything that i have left. so it's more because i'm a greedy little ass. i don't know/care if there's any technical term for that, so i'm not pussyfooting and blatantly admitting it. i'm not even sure my stocks are making money anymore- probably not since i had wells fargo taking care of my money (at least then, my trustee used to share with me how my stocks were doing) but seeing as NO ONE CARES.. why should i? i'm going to sabathani in like 15 minutes.. anything to keep my mind busy so i don't have time to think about how much shit sucks.

this is what refusing to take responsibility and accountability gets you.

i want to make it clear- my sister and mom are not even in my contacts and i have absolutely NO plans in changing that. my sister is basically guilt by association and she just digs herself deeper holes (like for example- when she went out of her way to friend my ex-boyfriend on facebook (we were going out then) and she meant to threaten him but he hit on her).. she shouldn't have even fuckin spoke to him in the first place, she brought it on herself then and how she figures she can just back my mom because she assumes i have a nice relationship with my mom- which couldn't be further from the truth.. she picked the wrong horse to back but she can't really be picky considering she has the intelligence of a cavewoman because she doesn't have education to back her "intelligence"- she has what.. an eighth grade education? i'm not even sure she made it that far before getting knocked up and dropping out. i'm not pussyfooting around with this one.. everyone pussyfooted around my mom and the destination for her is a nursing home which she better hopes doesn't mistreat their clients. i highly doubt my brother will stop her from being put in a nursing home and she shouldn't even ask me because i'm not condoning her abuse towards me and ruining MY future for some selfish bum. it'd probably mean a little more if i had empathy but if my family can't have empathy for me- WHY THE HELL SHOULD I HAVE ANY FOR THEM?! find some other relative willing to put up with your bullshit. good luck. go get screwed with my ho sister. she has absolutely NOTHING in common with me besides our last names. same with my mom. i'm not lowering my potential and/or ability just to make some selfish bums of family members happy. i've worked too hard to get where i am and i KNOW they wouldn't help me if the shoe were on the other foot. the ONLY reason why my mom helped take care of me when i was in a wheelchair was because MY GRANDMA MADE HER. i remember overhearing phone conversations that my mom had with my grandma, whining how she wanted to go out with her little boyfriend carlos and play pool but she had to stay home with me because i was in a wheelchair at that time. the fact that my relatives read my blog and intentionally ignore this says enough about their LACK of care for ME. joe is the ONLY relative who checks on me and talks to me- he even checked on me the last time i was in the hospital and having surgery as a result of my narcissistic mother fighting with my dad when i was younger and I was INTENTIONALLY put in the middle of the fight by my loving MOM when i was used as a shield while he was kicking her and she nanchalantly put me in front of her trying to tell him he should calm down since i was there (she didn't ACTUALLY care because if she did- she'd would've been trying to do EVERYTHING possible to remove me from that situation). SO GO TELL SOMEONE WHO CARES, MOM. haven't you done ENOUGH to me? i honestly think you inspired me to run away and nearly get killed in a car accident that i was in. she doesn't help me with ANYTHING (because my grandma isn't alive to threaten her anymore). you think grandma was bad, mom? you haven't seen anything yet. i realize that YOU are supposed to be MY parent.. NOT the other way around. seeing as you're not able to provide me with any parental wisdom.. EVERYTHING you do DOES NOT mean a damn thing to me. people can say i'm all talk but WE'LL SEE, MOMMY *ROLLS EYES*. AMANDA SEEMS TO BE MORE CONCERNED WITH YOU THAN ME.. THAT'S WHY SHE REFUSES TO HELP ME- GO SEE HOW AMANDA WILL HELP YOU! "YOU GOT THIS!"
i was just thinking and i wonder HOW in the hell my mom thinks ANYONE got ANYTHING?! just luck that they LUCKILY stumbled on jobs and finances?! because she acts as if people should just give her things. things like respect, love, housing, and whatever else she wants because.. why?! BECAUSE SHE'S TRACY! OF COURSE! like i said before- she's never been forced to take accountability or actually work in her life (she DID work a little helping my grandma's sister on her farm a long time ago but i've honestly never seen her do anything else because SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO!). it irritates me because she assumes that i have the same forms of support as she does- so she tries to drag me down to her level. if i didn't care about my mom- i wouldn't even be bringing this up but unfortunately- i AM aware that i have my own life and i can't afford to be a mommy image to my own damn mom. grow the fuck up. like i said- I'M NOT PUSSYFOOTING AROUND. ESPECIALLY NOT FOR A CARELESS ASSHOLE WHO THINKS THEY CAN FUCK EVERYTHING I'VE BUSTED MY ASS TO GET. my grandma created this monster, she should've made sure it stayed in it's fuckin cage.

the life of a child of a narcissistic, selfish mother.

i spoke to my psychologist today about how things were going with me. then i said, "i've probably said this before but i always wonder HOW my mom can just go on with her life without saying sorry or even taking accountability for being the CAUSE of at least two surgeries so far in life." then my psychologist asked how i knew she was to blame and i said, "well.. NONE of my family has even brought this up to me in the past.. so i get the feeling they don't really care about me.. but i DO remember my grandma bringing up to the doctor when he asked if i had been hit in the abdomen when i was first having surgery at children's here.." i also looked up the causes of "blocked bowels" after i had surgery on my bowel for it being blocked and it said trauma to the abdomen causes your bowel to be blocked- seeing as i was just sitting at my computer when i FIRST felt the kicking feeling in my abdomen that wouldn't stop- so no trauma being caused to my abdomen at that time- the ONLY trauma i could think of was back when i had a perforrated bowel and i remember my grandma saying something about my dad accidentally kicking me while him and my mom was fighting- which resulted in a perforrated bowel for me and now, later, a blocked bowel. i also told my psychologist about telling my brother that mom put me in front of our dad while he was kicking her to use me as a human shield from getting kicked by him and i said that he said, "sounds like something mom would do." and he told me about a time when we were younger and my sister's dad hit my brother in the eye while doing something and my mom bitched at my brother for it. my psychologist said to me, "well.. it's nice you guys can bond over something like that.." i must've looked at her like she was crazy because she said, "well.. he knows how it's like to be mistreated by your own mom.." he was more or less saying he wouldn't put it past her because of shit she was responsible for with him also. i'm not sure if my psychologist was trying to reassure me because people might not believe me but if my brother also had a story about her being negligent and abusive- it might feel more valid. then i said, "my mom has never been held responsible for ANY of the shit she's ever done because my grandma felt responsible for why the umbilical chord was wrapped around her neck when she was born.." then my psychologist said, "oh.. i see.. i read about this one woman feeling like she shouldn't be held responsible for any of her actions either and her parents ended up dying and she was left to try to fend for herself." i don't remember if she said the rest of the story but for some reason i lost interest to prevent me from acknowledging her story.. wonder if it's because i recognize that I am the OFFSPRING in this situation- so IT'S NOT MY FUCKING RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE CARE OF A WOMAN WHO HAS BEEN THE CAUSE OF AT LEAST TWO of my surgeries in life SO FAR. i'm on the path to shitting in a bag! thanks a lot idiot. i'm pretty sure the only reason why i'm not shitting in bags now is because i think i take at least 3 or 4 stool softeners a day. i brought up the question of how in the world does my mom seem to think after EVERYTHING i've been through on account of HER NEGLECTFUL, SELFISH ASS that i'm just gonna give up EVERYTHING i've worked my ass off to get and just remain in THIS state by my mommy who is the cause of my surgeries and ptsd? SHE REALLY DOES HAVE A MENTAL DISABILITY. needless to say- my psychologist can see why i wanna get the hell outta this state and FAR AWAY from my mom. my psychologist brought up writing my mom a note that i never give her but i'm not even sure she's worth the time- EVEN if she isn't gonna get it.

mas ocupaciones

on monday i have a phone interview scheduled for an office assistant job and then on thursday i have an in-person interview for a front desk position at a hotel. so this week i'll be productive and active. i also seen ics today and the guy helped me print out a picture for my frame without ANY problems.. what a coincidence. i didn't even have to be made (well ATTEMPTED) to be made out like i didn't know what i was doing! just ANOTHER reason why i work better with MALE workers. females play dumb/like they don't know how to do things JUST so they don't have to do them. the lady yesterday tried not to make herself seem so dumb by trying to lower my intelligence so i'd be as naive as her, in hopes i would be more understanding of her inability to assist me because of her lack of knowledge. the worker i had today DID run into the same problems with my printer as she did but he calmly picked my printer up and seen that the paper was jammed in the feed and arranged things so the paper got fed in the paper feeder straight. it's not like someone had to be an expert to correct the problem. then he asked me if i needed help with anything else and i said i wanted to make a resource book about if i had any problems and who i could call if i needed help with different things in boston. he started making a list out and i'm gonna research the things he wrote down next time i have ics because we didn't have time to research them today.

according to SMART people.. tbi = stupid and lacking knowledge

when i met with the ics worker today, she was treating me like i was stupid for some reason (i'm not sure if it's because i have a brain injury/disability). i was trying to print out this picture from my cell phone using my printer. i'm not sure if she was trying to create some similarity in both of us not knowing how to print it (assuming that she's not good with technology and she was trying to find some stupid bond between us or some shit) but seeing as i DID print it off using my cell phone, it just got jammed while printing- she also doesn't know/care that i took probably about a year at least in information systems management classes.. that explanation doesn't really work for her assumption but she happens to be ignorant, so i didn't even bother to tell her because i didn't feel like wasting my time because chances are- it wouldn't have mattered to her. then fredrick came out in the living room to see what we were arguing about and he said to me, "do you have your period again?" i said, "I JUST GOT DONE WITH THAT SHIT I THINK LAST WEEK. MY GRANDMA USED TO ALWAYS SAY THAT TO ME. DO YOU HAVE YOUR PERIOD, FREDRICK?!" and i laughed and he said, "what?! no. that's nice you remember what your grandma used to say all the time to you.." and i said, "yeah but she'd usually say something when i got pimples and be like I SEE IT'S SOMEONE'S TIME OF THE MONTH! it was more annoying than embarassing. heh" fredrick went with me to the grocery store to pick up some groceries i was missing and some meds from the pharmacy. we took lyft to the grocery store and it was inconvenient because we had to wait at least 15 minutes for a ride and it was raining.. luckily fredrick was there to carry all my groceries because if he hadn't have been- there's a good chance i would've been screwed. so i'm getting ready for a life of waiting for rides since i can't drive since my life sucks and people refuse to support me to be able to do everything i need to be successful in life and it only makes sense not to attempt to help me because i'm stupid- so i'll change my mind after at least 24 years working my ass off just to be successful at this goal *rolls eyes* that's my family for ya- HELPFUL WHEN IT'S CONVENIENT AND/OR BENEFICIAL FOR THEM!.. SO A LIFE OF HELL TO LOOK FORWARD TO!

no more grey hopefully..

i just got back from getting my hair colored- and she said that i'd have to make another appointment for a foil in 2 weeks because i was more concerned about covering the gray hair that i'm privileged to get (i'm pretty sure i can thank my dad for these genes because i got his hair color). i seen that kelina (a lady who works at sabathani community center) emailed me because we were supposed to have a phone conversation scheduled at 1:30 today about me falling all the time (that's what she said it was about anyway and i got the feeling that she'd be firing me because i fell so much and to give someone else an opportunity to volunteer). well, i was wrong.. i called her and she asked me about falling and i said, "yeah.. i honestly think it's because of the wheels on the chair and the chair without the wheels sits so low, that i'm not sure people can see anyone is there to work the desk." kelina said, "oh okay, i'll get you another chair to sit on without wheels that people can actually see you sitting in.. i was wondering if you had any skills tests taken and if someone could send me the results?" and i said, "well i'm pretty sure i remember taking an aptitude and skills test for my job coach a while ago.. she SHOULD have the results." and then kelina told me to have my job coach email her the results to any skills tests i took. so i called my job coach and she said that she didn't think she could because she didn't have a release of information signed for her and to email her asking her to contact my job coach with her contact information and they'd get things worked out. it's kinda nice because i feel like kelina may have got the impression i was a handicap disabled idiot LIKE EVERYONE ELSE NAIVELY ASSUMES but now she sees that i'm actually capable of actually doing more to help them. although, honestly, i'm hoping she's talking about a position which actually pays money- i hope i'm not wrong to get that assumption. that's probably one of the major reasons why i'm still looking for jobs even after having this receptionist position at sabathani. although people may try to put a jam on my plans (as usual) and deny i had any aptitude tests taken.. i KNOW i took many tests (some of them may have been at gilette) because they were trying to prove that i was mentally disabled (i obviously disappointed them- NOT sorry amanda and mom because they're so obsessed with keeping me in a fuckin nursing home in minnesota with all my privileges taken away so i can't have a life of my own and to make them look like a family who actually cares about me (they're mistaken because if they REALLY cared about me- THEY'D LET ME LIVE MY OWN DAMN LIFE like my grandma ASSUMED amanda would encourage so she didn't take any of my privileges to make MY OWN DECISIONS away and so that way my current living family assumes i won't "get into trouble"- which couldn't be further from the truth because that'll just motivate me to get into trouble and make them all sorry they didn't let me live my life the way I want). i'm positive that my grandma knew that and she naively put her confidence in amanda to actually HELP me live MY life the way I want. however- since amanda doesn't care about her own aunt- she could care less about what the crazy lady CLAIMED.. RIGHT AMANDA?!
i also had ics before my hair appointment and i told zen i wanted to check on my waiting list positions for housing. he checked and he said i was like 248 or something for hackensack and like 47 for concord and like 400 something for new jersey. he told me not to be disappointed with my number for hackensack because the waiting list goes so fast. he predicted 2-4 years (if i remember right) for concord and like 5 years for new jersey. gotta start somewhere i suppose. i remember he told me that i'd get the apartment that concord just offered me and i had to reject it since i have a sorry excuse of a "support" system in 2-4 years. so to be honest with you- i really don't think he actually knows but is giving an estimate so i'll have an idea of how long it'll be.